All language subtitles for Telenovela s01e02 Evil Twin.eng

[gasps]
Uh-oh.

Guys, guys.

Our worst nightmare's
come true.

It's Isabela's birthday.

You always
do that joke.

I know,
'cause it's so funny,

but this time,
it's for real.

That's not good.

- Are you sure?
- Yeah!

Her agent
sent her flowers.

all: - Oh.
- This is not a drill.

So what do we do?

We survive.

We know she's going
to be in a bad mood,

so that means don't talk to her,
don't touch her,

don't even think about her!

(whispers)
She'll know!

- Coffee, now.
- Whoa!

Good luck, everyone.

All right,
let's get this over with

before I forget
my one line.

One line,
can you believe it?

I'm an award-winning actress.

I've been doing telenovelas
for 20 years...

which is remarkable
considering how young I am.

How young are you?

- [hisses]
- [gasps]

Any guesses?

- 112?
- 35?

Here's your coffee.

I said almond milk!

[grunts]

Ow!
She did it again!

All right, calm down,
Cruella de Vil.

We all know it's
your birthday.

Don't you think
you're overreacting?

[sighs]

You're right.

What is wrong with me?

You know, my father left us
on my sixth birthday,

and I always thought,
"If I were only prettier

or smarter,
he would've come back."

I guess when I lash out,
it's just me saying,

"Love me, Daddy."

Oh, Isabela.

I had no idea.

And that, bitches,
is how you act.

[flamenco guitar music]

She didn't--
she didn't get me.

She got me.

[upbeat Spanish music]

Sync and corrections by n17t01
www.addic7ed.com

[grunts]

I hate that Isabela tricked us
into having feelings for her.

I know.
For a minute there,

I thought she had blood pumping
through her cold, dead heart.

I just hate secrets.
They ruin relationships.

It's true.

My ex-husband told secrets,
and now he's in jail.

Yeah, my last boyfriend
told me he was naturally blond,

but then in the winter,
when his body hair grew back.

I found that it
was all a lie.

Exactly.

You know, we spend
so much time together.

How are we supposed
to be a family

if we can't trust each other?

Get me up, Mimi.

- [grunts]
- Okay.

Oh, all right,
everybody!

I have an announcement.

Just--

really quick.

Why isn't anybody gathering?

You've been making a lot
of announcements lately.

People are starting
to get bored.

You might have to entice
them with something.

Hmm.

Ice cream for everyone.

And since you're all here,

I want to give you encouragement
to share more of yourselves.

I want us to stay
a tight-knit family,

so from now on, we're going to
have an open-book policy.

No more secrets, okay?

I'll be the first to share.

I once broke my thumb playing
with a very strong baby.

Anyone else want to share?

Okay.
My wife just left me.

Maybe let's just start with
the fun stuff, to ease in.

I own two Segways.

Fun!
[chuckles]

Unnecessary
but fun.

Oh, when I get stressed out,
I eat chalk.

His wife left him for me.

Okay, you know what?

We're gonna--
we're gonna find our groove.

But great sharing, you guys.
Good job.

- Doesn't go all the way up?
- Nope.

I don't know what happened.

It was fine yesterday
in the killer bee scene,

but today
it just got stuck.

It's a tricky little guy.

I mean, big guy.
I-- I wouldn't know.

How would I know?

Would it be easier
if I took the pants off?

[laughs nervously]

Okay, thanks.

[still laughing nervously]

If you're trying on
new laughs,

I'd have a back-up option.

Well, what sound
should I make

when I'm feeling up
my co-worker?

So what's going on
with you?

Hmm.

Come on.
Open-book policy.

Last night, I had a sex dream
about Rodrigo.

- What?
- We were on the beach.

And there were all these
dolphins watching.

They were really pervy too,

because they kept
high-fiving each other, like--

[imitates dolphins]

- Dolphins are pervy.
- Mm.

Xavi and I were snorkeling
in the Bahamas,

and one of them stuck
their tongue in my ear.

- Ew.
- Mm.

So you have a thing
for Rodrigo?

No, it's just been a long time
since I've, you know--

[clicks tongue]

If you think that's sex,
it has been a long time.

Tell me about it.

Well, if it's sex you need,

why don't you sleep
with Rodrigo?

Are you kidding?

Have you seen the girls
he's brought around here?

I've pumped out three kids,
I dye my gray hair,

and I've got that weird scar
from the mechanical bull.

I told you you were
riding it backwards.

- Mimi, you're beautiful.
- Yeah, but I'm not his type.

And, you know, that's okay.

I'm too busy for all this
middle school crush crap.

I'm happy with just
the fantasy.

Reality requires
too much free time.

And waxing.

[gasps]

[ominous music]

Hello, Mr... Belvedere.

Looks like you walked
into a dead zone.

[flamenco guitar music]

All right, clear the set.

Rehearsing for tomorrow's
big stunt.

I love when we do stunts.

There are so many
fun toys on set!

Breakaway bottles.

Breakaway chairs.

Ooh, breakaway glasses--

Actually, those are Karen's!

Oops.

Sorry.
Sorry.

Yep, that should hold.

Tomorrow, my character
darts into the room,

leaps over this couch, and jumps
through that glass window.

You're doing all that?
You're so brave!

[laughs].
I'm not doing all that.

Got to protect the merch.

That's why we have stunt guys--

Big, brawny dudes
that are so tough,

they can run through a window
and not even feel it.

Xavi, I would like you
to meet your stunt double.

Hi, I'm Colleen.

Oh, she's so cute!

I got it.

- Here you go, mami.
- [laughs nervously]

[mouthing silently]

Are you playing Charades
without me?

One word, movie,
four syllables, "Armageddon"!

Shh!

- Hey, Rodrigo.
- Yo.

Doesn't Mimi look
pretty today?

- [laughs nervously]
- Of course.

A strong, worldly,
sophisticated woman--

she always looks beautiful.

[chuckles]

- Would you sleep with her?
- Ana!

What?
Hypothetically.

No. I would
make love to her.

[laughs nervously]

Screw your
open-book policy.

Oh, Mimi!

Oh, Mimi's mad at Ana?

Happy birthday to me.

[scoffs]
Isabela.

There's no one
worse than her.

[both gasp]

[flamenco guitar music]

Happy birthday
to both of us, sister.

- Carmen!
- Hello, Isabela.

I miss you so much!
[cries]

It's a birthday miracle.

Look how happy
everyone is.

I'm so scared.

Hi, this is Mimi. Please leave
a message after the--

Ow! Nico, are you kidding me?
Throwing a--

Mimi, I've called you
four times.

We have to talk about
Isabela's crazy twin!

[sighs] Hope you're not
asleep already.

It's 8:30, so maybe.
All right, well, call me.

[funky music]

Let's do that again.

Okay.

This is so much better
without the dolphins watching.

Hmm?

-
I'm walking on sunshine

- Somebody's in a good mood.
- Somebody got a little acci?n.

Had a one-night stand
with Rodrigo.

[gasps]
Ow. What?

It was exactly what I needed--
a no-strings-attached good time.

Oh, I'm so happy for you!

Open-book policy works!
Tell me all the details!

Okay, first of all,
he has, like, the best body.

Oh!
[gags]

Continue.

And then he does this thing
where he kind of

revs up like an engine.

Vroom! Vroom!

[laughs]
[gags]

Is something wrong?

You guys are basically like
my brother and sister.

Maybe if you
told me in code,

like you're an apple
and he's an orange.

Okay, well,
you know how an orange

has that hard, nubby part?

[gags]
No more.

Fair enough.
Just don't tell anybody

we had a one-night
stand, okay?

Don't worry.
Your secret's safe with me.

Okay.

- You slept with Rodrigo?
- Starting now.

I only texted Gael!

Well, how did you do that?

We've maintained eye contact
this whole time.

I have a talent.

I'm ordering shoes right now.

I'm gonna need
all the details.

Okay, I didn't need
all the details.

Oh, no.

Hello, Gael.

It's me, Isabela,
not my identical twin.

Oh, thank you for
letting me know,

as your twin looks in no way,
shape, or form younger than you.

Carmen, this is Gael,
my sweet little co-star.

[all laugh]

So why have we not
met Carmen before?

Well, growing up, we were the
Olsen twins of the novela world.

And then we were both up
for the same part in a movie.

Isabela got it, of course,

and I was a bit
of a sore loser.

Oh, you would've brought
so much more to the role.

And I don't mean that
as a fat joke.

She was a half pound more
than me when we were born.

Oh, stop! I'm just so glad
we're finally moving past this.

I thought I lost
my sister forever.

You don't know how much
this means to me.

[cries]

[sobbing]

Look at me,
crying like my housekeeper

when I yelled at her for
using the good bathroom.

I have to get
cleaned up.

I'm shooting a scene
where I wake from a coma,

but when I bolt up,
I hit my head

and I fall back into a coma.

Oh!

Oh, Gael, I've missed
so many years with my sister.

Fill me in-- what's it like
working with Isabela?

- It's, uh--
- Oh, I know that look.

Isabela is the best, but
sometimes she can be... prickly.

[laughs nervously]

You know, when we were six,

she kidnapped my teddy bear
and held it for ransom.

Oh, my God, she did the same
thing to my asthma inhaler.

[laughs]
She's crazy!

- Hey, Rodrigo.
- Yo.

- Do you use a stunt double?
- [scoffs] No.

I do my own stunts.

People call me
the Latino Jackie Chan.

Really?

If I say it enough,
it'll catch on.

Yeah, I'm thinking about
doing my own stunts too.

Oh, he's just embarrassed

because his stunt man
is a woman,

but that's nothing
to be ashamed of.

Tell him, Rodrigo.

[laughs]

A woman?

A woman!

It's not funny.

What's wrong?

They keep teasing me
about my stunt person.

Oh, well, you need a good one,
you can use mine.

- Her name's Colleen.
- [laughs]

You do have
the same stunt person!

[laughing]

That was funny.

- Good coffee.
- Yeah.

- I made love to Mimi.
- Yes! [laughs]

Now that you know that I know,
we can both talk about it.

- She was so wild.
- [gags]

I'm sorry, by "talk,"
I mean in the general sense.

- You happy? Things good?
- Oh, yeah, very.

You see? My open-book
theory was right!

You and Mimi
put it out there

that you were attracted
to each other, and voila!

Casual one-night stand
where no one gets hurt.

Mimi said it was
a casual one-night stand?

I'm sorry, what?

I was just
a body to Mimi?

A piece of flesh?

Um, um...

you know, I may have
misunderstood.

She did say she loved
that weird egg pie you made.

It was a quiche!

Oh, yeah.

Rodrigo, are you okay?

I didn't mean
to upset you earlier.

[scoffs]
I'm fine.

I'm a professional.

You think I'm going to let

some stupid personal drama
affect my work?

[scoffs] [scoffs]
Ridiculous.

[sighs]
We had a good run.

Oh, come on.

Be a man and let
the little girl do your stunt.

- No.
- Fine.

But if you're going
face first,

try to lead with the forehead,
because the nose?

Oy, it'll shatter instantly.

Okay, here we go.
Places!

And action!

[flamenco guitar music]

Rodrigo,
what are you doing?

Choke me.

Come on.

[tiny whimper]

I can't do this,
not with her here.

Her who?
Me? What did I do?

It's what
you didn't do,

i.e., treat me
with respect.

You know, "one-night stand,"
you called it?

Yeah, yeah, surprise, everybody.
Mimi and I slept together.

- Oh!
- [people murmur]

I may have just been
a body to you,

but this body has feelings!

- [exhales]
- [laughs nervously]

I know that looks bad.

Uh, are we not
going to do the stunt?

Cool, cool.

I was totally ready.

So Isabela kicked
the whole group of school kids

out of the building.

I believe her quote was,

"Do you want to be
an at-risk youth?

Try smiling at me again."

[both laugh]

Between you and me,
it's a blast

to chat with someone who hates
Isabela just as much as I do.

Whoa, I don't
hate Isabela.

Mm, I have 45 minutes on here
that suggest otherwise.

And then she switched
my hair gel with honey,

which is how I found out
I was allergic to bees.

You've been recording me?

Yes!

I had to delete my daughter's
baby pictures to make room.

But it was worth it.

When my tell-all book
comes out,

Isabela's life
will be destroyed.

You are writing
a mean book?

You're not here
to make peace?

I'm here to ruin
Isabela's life

like she ruined mine.

And thanks to you,
I'm already on chapter five.

[gasps]

I can't believe
you're the evil twin!

[whimpers]

Are you still
mad at me?

You said you were going to
keep my secret to yourself.

I feel terrible, but Rodrigo
told me about your night.

He knew maybe I'd know,

and I knew you knew he knew,

so, really,
we all knew, you know?

Why do secrets
have so many rules?

Ana, just admit it!
Your open-book policy is stupid.

Or if everybody told each
other everything at all times,

we wouldn't be
having this fight.

Okay, you want
to know everything?

Rodrigo and I had sex
three times last night.

And after each time it ended,
he'd say, "And scene."

Ah, okay, I admit it!

My open-book theory's wrong.

Ana, your open-book
theory is wrong.

I know;
I just said that.

Oh. Well, why didn't you
tell me that earlier?

Thanks to your advice, I was an
open book with Isabela's twin,

and now there's an actual book,
a tell-all book

full of all the dirt
I gave her.

Oh, my God,
that's awful!

Ana, fix this,
or else I'll tell you

that Rodrigo likes toes,
specifically all ten of my toes,

shoved in his mouth.

[gags] Okay!
All right, I'll fix it!

There she is.

That phone has all
of Isabela's stories on it.

She's leaving.
Stop her!

How am I supposed
to do that?

You're a cop on the show.
Do what he'd do.

Oh, for crying out loud.
Come on!

Carmen!

Sorry, Carmen, we're not letting
you leave with that phone.

Oh?
So the secret's out.

Figured you'd be
on board, Ana.

According to Gael, most of
Isabela's fights involve you.

Isabela and I have
a complicated relationship.

Most of the time,
we hate each other.

But last year, she held
the door open for me.

I mean, she thought
I was someone else,

but she is part
of the show,

and I will not let you
embarrass her.

Not even if I tell you
how old we are?

[inhales]
Ooh, that's a tough one.

- It is.
- Yeah.

No.

But could you narrow it down
to a decade?

- Ooh, give me that.
- Get it, Ana. Get it. Get it.

- No!
- Ana, get it. Get it!

You can help me,
you know.

Give me it!

What is going on here?

You know you're talking
to Carmen, right?

- I'm Isabela.
- Oh, Isabela, thank God.

I was trying to stop
these lunatics

from saying such hurtful things
about you, and they attacked me.

She's lying!
She's not here to make peace.

She's writing
a tell-all book about you.

Who are you gonna believe--

these two
or your twin sister?

Carmen...

you're my twin,

my other half.

It has killed me to be apart
from you for so long,

all because I got
that movie part.

Why couldn't it
have been you?

Oh, right.
Because I'm the better actor.

Ooh!

Oh, that was
a big mistake.

[flamenco guitar music]

- Oh.
- God.

Well, we should do something.

Ah, yeah.
I got it.

Oh, this is good.
This is good.

[up-tempo music]

[both screaming]

Oh, yeah, I think
it's almost over.

Their arms
are getting tired.

[growls]

[screeches]

Oh, no.
You forgot about their legs.

Ow! Ow!

[screams]

- Whoo!
- [sighs]

- [cheers and applause]
- Yeah, baby!

[cheers and applause]

Is my face okay?

Oh, this was real.

Did your zipper
hold up today?

It didn't, thank you.

I'm currently stuck
in these pants.

Well, you could
let me help you.

I don't want you
to ever touch me again.

I'm sorry for
making you feel bad.

I figured it was a no-strings
thing for you too.

I don't do
one-night stands.

Two, three, maybe four,

depending on what I still
need to accomplish.

You mean there was stuff
we didn't do?

A lot of stuff.
Sex isn't casual to me.

I want the woman that
I'm with to feel amazing.

And I did!

Rodrigo, this may not sound
romantic,

but last night felt amazing
to me because it was so casual.

All I do is stress
about work or the kids,

and it was nice
for just one evening

not to think
about any of that,

to just think about
myself for a change.

I did that for you?

Oh, you made me feel
very special.

I guess this means
Ana's open-book mantra

had some merit, not that
she needs to hear that.

That can be our new secret,

since everyone knows
about our old one.

Well, they don't know
we spent another night together.

Oh. [giggles] Did we?

I guess I need help
getting out of these pants.

Oh, then I'll go get
my scissors.

Oh, oh, okay.

I'm gonna go work
on my flirting.

Oh, I'm so happy
we're gonna be friends now!

No, we're not friends.

But as a reward for
your loyalty.

I was going to tell you
one personal tidbit

that you might
find interesting--

my age.

Glad you decided
you're no longer

telling other people's secrets.

[whimpers]

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