All language subtitles for Teachers s02e03 School Sweet School.eng

Today's the day you get
your tiny house, right?

Yep.
They're dropping it off

at the property we bought

and we're sleeping
in it tonight.

Deb, I think it's so cool
that you and Damien

are reducing
your carbon footprints.

Yeah, we don't give
a crap about that.

We only bought a tiny house

because we can't afford
a real one.

But maybe literally being
closer together

will help improve
our communication.

- [horn honking]
- Get out of the way!

[horns honking]

[bleep] my life.

Oh, hey.
Am I tripping right now,

or is there a giant doll house
in front of the school?

Deb had it delivered here
by mistake.

Damien had it
delivered here by mistake.

I need it gone today.

What happened to you?

You look like you slept
in a bush.

[sighs] Last night, I went
down a weird wormhole

of competitive tickling videos
on the Internet.

Gonna have to wing it
in class today.

Thanks for nothing,
shit stick.

[sighs] They can't pick it up
till tomorrow.

At least you'll have
a short commute.

That house is so small,
it freaks me out.

Like little people or
adult women wearing pigtails.

Typical Damien.
If it doesn't involve his band,

- he screws it up.
- How's Throat Goblin

- doing these days?
- They haven't played a gig

since The Taste of Skokie
last month,

and they got paid in sausage.

Well, at least
if he's not working,

you have yourself
a househusband.

If by that you mean
a husband who lies around

the house all day,
then, yeah, I do.

He doesn't do anything
to help out?

The way he sees it,
I chill with kids all day,

- [scoffs]
- Uh-uh.

Get off work at 3:00...

- all: No.
- And take

- a three-month vacation.
- Oh, my God.

- Are you serious?
- Hell no.

You should murder him.

Well, since you're
living in the parking lot,

maybe you can invite him
into your class.

Then he'll see
how hard you work.

That's actually
a good idea.

Maybe today won't suck ass
after all.

Hey, our plumbing's
not hooked up

and I had a Burrito Esplosivo
last night.

So I gotta use your dumper.
[kisses]

Hey.

[rock music]

Great job cleaning up, guys.

Does anyone know where
the green ring is?

Yes, Marcus?

On my penis.

[tense musical flourish]

What do you think a chin
implant would do to my face?

- Oh, it'd probably help.
- Yeah?

- Yeah, I think so.
- I've been thinking about it.

- Oh.
- Hey, what's wrong?

Did another species
go extinct?

Probably. It's just,
when I became the art teacher,

I thought it would be
an opportunity for me

to express my creative side.

But then I found out
that no one respects art.

- Yeah.
- So I decided to do something

that would feed my soul,
and I started making jewelry

- and putting it up on Etsy.
- Oh, Etsy's full of people

who wish they were real artists.

Sounds perfect for you.

No. It sucks.

I haven't sold a single piece.

It's another rejection.

It's like the universe
stepped in dog shit

and is wiping it off
on my life.

Oh, I'm sure your jewelry
is beautiful.

Yeah, it's only
a matter of time

before people discover it.

Remember, Beyonc? wasn't
built in a day.

Do you really think
I should keep trying?

- Absolutely!
- Of course!

You know what?

I'm gonna give you both a pair.

- Jesus.
- [gasps] Oh, wow.

Would you look at those.

We can't take those for free.

Oh, my God.
Do you really wanna pay?

I insist.

Okay, you know what?

Who needs a lesson plan?

I'm sure one of you smarties
remembers

what we're supposed
to do today.

Huh?

Melinda?
Talk about the book.

You know,
"Where the Red Fern Grows."

Really?
Today?

And we've all read it?

Good. Very good.

And of course I've read it.

I've read it a few times.

So let's jump right in.

Um, judging
by the title of the book,

one would assume
it's a book about ferns.

No. But...

But really,
this book is about...

[whispers] Pablo, yeah.

A boy
and his two dogs.

Great.
And the main character

had such an interesting
and special and specific name.

I'd never heard it before.

Does anyone remember
what that name was?

- Melinda?
- Billy.

Billy. Yeah, it's
a very special name.

Does everyone agree
with that answer?

Great job, Melinda.
You're right.

That's awesome.

Now, I want you to promise me

that you will never put this
down your pants again.

So I have
to take off my pants

if I want to put it
over my penis?

No. Don't put anything
on your bathing suit parts.

Ever again, for forever.

And let's not use that word.

- Penis?
- Yes, that word.

Only doctors say that word.

If you say so.

[rock music]

- Hey.
- Uh, what are you doing?

I'm foraging.
Gonna fill up the mini fridge.

Those are other
teachers' lunches.

- Wha...
- After we put those back,

how about you come help out
in my classroom,

see what I do all day?

The great mystery revealed.
I'm in.

- Mm, right.
- [bell rings]

I thought Spinoli
was a pasta.

No, he teaches special ed.

- Hey, guys.
- both: Hey.

Why aren't you
wearing my earrings?

I, uh...

just hadn't gotten around
to putting them in.

Yes, and I am saving mine
for a special occasion.

In the future.

Oh my God. I'm so stupid.
You hate them.

No, they just didn't go
with what we're wearing,

and we can't afford
any more of your earrings.

Oh, well, in that case,
they're free.

This is good advertising
for me.

[ominous musical flourish]

Now you can pick out the ones
that match all your outfits.

[laughs]

That's amazing.

There's nothing to stop us
from wearing them now.

Today we're gonna be talking

about classifying
parallelograms.

Let's review.
Who can tell me

what a parallelogram is?

Fisher, we haven't heard
from you recently.

Why do we have
to know this stuff?

Because it's part
of geometry.

Uh, excuse me.
I think he's asking,

like, how is he
gonna use a perilgram

in, like, his real life.

Right, little man?

Well, for one,

he can use it to pass
the test when we're done

- with the chapter.
- Deb, these little squirts

aren't gonna succeed in life
by preparing for tests.

They're gonna succeed
by following their passion.

Like me and my music.

- Are you serious right now?
- Yeah!

I never learned
what a perilgram was,

and it didn't hurt me.

I'll tell you something
that did hurt me, though.

A bunch of teachers
who didn't respect me

for what I really
wanted to do in life,

which is shred on my axe!

[yelling]

[imitating guitar music]

Man, they just reward you
for following their rules.

But you know what?
As soon as I dropped out,

it all started
happening for me.

Total, nonstop jamming.

I got a van with carpeting
on the walls.

I started my own band.

I hooked up with
your hottie teacher

because she dug
those sweet riffs.

It all comes down
to one dope mantra:

reject authority;
break the rules;

do what you love!

All: Yeah!

- Yeah!
- Outside. Now.

[grunting]

Whoa! I just made
a huge difference in there,

and it was really easy.

Now I get why you
like teaching so much.

They were supposed to be
learning about parallelograms!

I thought that was what
teaching is all about.

You start teaching one thing,
but then you go with the flow.

And then you're teaching
something else.

Oh, like that school
is completely useless.

- Hey, you said it, not me.
- Okay, that's it. You're done.

Whoa. Someone can't handle
a little competition

- in the classroom.
- Go back home!

Which, thanks to you,
is in the [bleep] parking lot!

[rock music]

[car beeping]

Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Oh! Careful, man.

- Oh, my God.
- Sorry.

[gasps] Thank you, Damien.

I cannot run with
these stupid earrings.

De nada, se?orita

Well, I would love
to stay and chat,

but we have
to get back to class.

We're doing a unit
on the Mayans,

which was forever ago.

- So boring.
- No way. The Mayans were rad.

I was in this drone metal band
called The Servants of Kukulkan,

so I know a ton about 'em.

Really?

And so in order
for the Mayans

to keep everything chill
with their gods,

the high priest would reach
into the sacrificial victim's

open, bloody chest cavity...

Ahh.

And pull out
his still beating heart.

[gasps]

[imitating heart beating]

[claps]
Ohh.

But wait.
Those dogs are so smart.

Why would Old Dan
keep barking up that tree

if the ghost coon
wasn't even there...

I remember asking myself
when I read the book.

But the answer is...
Anybody?

Little Ann smelled
the raccoon in the air.

Are you kidding me?

You can't get anything
past Little Ann, okay?

This is amazing.
I'm gonna read this book.

Again.

Very good, Tiffany.

Balloon.

Your handwriting
is really improving.

Where are the Os in "balloon"?

They were just right here.

[suspenseful music]

- Do I have to?
- Give it up.

[sighs]

There are two Os
in "balloon," Marcus.

[groans]

You promised me that you
would never, ever do that again.

No, I promised not
to use the green ring.

There's a lot of other things
I can use, though.

[tense music]

Okay, everyone.

We're gonna play
a very fun game.

I want you all to find anything
that has a hole in it

and throw it in the garbage!

[rock music]

Ms. Watson needs an adult!

I'm sorry, buddy.
I don't see one.

What about you?

Oh, yeah. Let's go.

I was rearranging the desks

when my hideous earring
got caught.

Got it. Yeah.

- [sighs]
- Want me to, uh,

put these desks back in rows?

Thank you. After all this
trauma, I need to journal

and listen to Tracy Chapman's
"Fast Car."

Old Dan and Little Ann are
the toughest dogs in the world!

All: Yeah!

If you can fight
a mountain lion,

you can survive anything!

Yeah.

[somber music]

But Dan doesn't survive.

What?

The mountain lion
cuts him up all over.

On the walk home,

his intestines
get caught on a bush.

Billy, like, has
to push them back inside.

Then Dan dies
back at the cabin.

Dan's dead?

It wasn't fast.

Does everyone agree
with this answer?

Mm-hmm.

These things are gonna
permanently distend my earlobe.

[gasps] Ew, I'm gonna look
like I'm from Portland.

[rummaging]

Cecelia?

What are you doing?
Hello.

My muses.
I'm just so inspired

you love my jewelry
that I'm gathering materials

to make you some more.

[ominous musical flourish]

Oh, my God.

We are wearing
literal garbage.

[both exclaiming]

You have a half-sucked
cough drop on your ear.

Oh, my God!

Oh, God.
I wonder what kind

of trash earrings
she'll have for us today.

I don't know.
Maybe an old hot dog with AIDS.

[groaning]

Did you stay out late
again last night?

No. I'm depressed.

Yesterday I found out
that Old Dan died.

Is that the homeless guy
that used to bury his poop

like a cat in the sandbox?

No. The dog from
"Where the Red Fern Grows."

I didn't even see it coming.

Neither did Old Dan.

Hey, Deb. How was sleeping
in the parking lot last night?

It sucked.

Turns out a tiny house
is a lousy place to sleep

when you're having
murder fantasies

about your husband.
I know you're having

issues with Damien,
but he was great

- in my class yesterday.
- Oh, yes. So helpful.

He jumped right in.
I didn't even have to ask.

Look! Damien and I
are having problems, okay?

And he doesn't respect
what I do.

And as my friends, you're
supposed to hate him for me.

That's Girlfriend 101.

I don't want any of you
hanging out with him anymore.

- He's dead to me.
- Yeah. Chicks before dicks.

As a Christian, I love him,
but as your girlfriend,

- I will shun him.
- Oh, this'll be easy for me.

I'll just go back to judging him
by his appearance.

[groans]

Good morning,
my little learning lemurs.

Today we're going to practice

how to tell time.

[ominous musical flourish]

Where's my doughnut?

[ting]

No. No!

Ms. Feldman?

Are we gonna finish
talking about the book today?

[exhales]

Okay.
At least it can't get any worse.

Who knows what happened
after Old Dan passes away?

The other dog dies
of grief and starvation.

Little Ann dies?

Both dogs die?

- I gotta go.
- Are you okay, Ms. Feldman?

Yeah, I just got glass
in both my eyes.

[rock music]

Feldman, what's wrong?

- I can't talk to you, man.
- Oh, yeah, you can.

I got nothing but time.

I just found out both dogs die
in "Where the Red Fern Grows."

- Ohh.
- It's destroying me.

Yeah, and I read that one
for my GED prep class.

It really got me too,
until I realized

the whole thing
about the red fern.

- What about it?
- Oh.

Here.

It's like the whole point
of the book.

The red fern represents
the memory of the dogs,

which is gonna live on forever.

But they're dead.

Are they?
You just read a book about 'em.

And so did millions
of other people.

[sighs]

Wow.
That's beautiful, man.

So you're gonna be okay?

Yeah, I just want to move on
to our next book.

- It looks like a lot of fun.
- Oh, what is it?

- "Old Yeller."
- I don't think I read that one.

Oh, really?

[suspenseful string music]

- Chicks before dicks.
- What?

[door thuds]
[whistling]

You can't be here.

We can't be seen together
in public.

Just go. I'm dealing with
a very delicate situation.

- Maybe I can help.
- Oh, I wish you could.

How could it be so wrong
when it feels so right?

- I assume you can be discreet.
- I guess so.

Come with me.

So I hear you've been putting
round things

- over your penis.
- Yeah.

Dude, I totally get it.

When I was your age,

I used to stick my wang
everywhere,

anywhere it would fit.

But it's starting
to bum Ms. Bennigan out.

- And we don't want that, right?
- No.

So I was thinking
that maybe instead,

you just put round things
over your penis in private.

- Okay. [sighs]
- That sound good?

Yeah.

Rock and roll.

[mouths words]

[intense music]

Yeah, so, uh,
gimme a call sometime.

Let me know how it goes
with Marcus.

I can't do that.
Don't get me wrong.

You've been wonderful.
But we can't talk anymore.

It's just not right.

Mary Louise,
what are you doing?

We're supposed to be
shunning him.

- What?
- Oh, Mylanta.

Why do you guys have that stuff
hanging from your ears?

We're wearing them
out of pity.

Cecelia made us these earrings
out of garbage.

I know.
I threw all those things out

because one of my students
kept putting them on his...

[warbles]

Penis?

[gasps]

We're wearing penis jewelry?

Cecelia, there's not

an easy way to tell you this,
but...

We love you, but there comes a
time when honesty is the best...

Whoa-ho-ho!

These are some radical
Christmas ornaments, man.

Oh, my mom is, like,
a Christmas maniac.

- Oh.
- She would love these.

Oh, they're not
Christmas ornaments.

- Really?
- You know what? They are.

Yes! I can't believe
I am saying this,

but they are even more beautiful
as Christmas ornaments

than as earrings.

Oh, shit! I forgot!

No!

Stupid Damien!

[grunting]

My mom is
a recycling freak.

And I'm not allowed to bring
anything new into the house.

Oh, they're made
from repurposed refuse!

You're kidding.

- Really?
- Yeah.

- I'll buy all of 'em!
- Ah, fantastic!

- Yes!
- Ohh.

- Take mine.
- Mine too.

I love these,
but it would look

- so much better on a tree.
- It would.

Yeah, so we were doing
buttery nipple shots

and you guys know
what those are, right?

- Yeah.
- I chipped my tooth

while getting motorboated
on an actual motorboat.

[all exclaiming and laughing]

Oh, my God!

- You can't even tell!
- Yeah, it's a fake tooth.

- Oh, my God.
- Oh...

[somber piano music]

I didn't mean
to let him help me, Deb.

It just happened.

Get out.

Okay.

What the [bleep]
is all this trash?

Why is it that you can help
everyone but me?

It never seemed
like you need any help.

You do everything.

You're like super Wiccan.

[chuckles]
No, Damien. I'm not.

- I need help all the time.
- Really?

Yeah, you just
never offer it.

When I get home at the end
of the day, I'm exhausted.

I get it. Being here today
helped me realize

how hard it is to be a teacher.

I'm sorry I said
it was an easy job.

- It's not.
- Thanks.

Maybe I can be a little bit
more helpful.

That would be great.

[sweeping orchestral music]

Oh, oh. Okay. Okay.

Oh, yeah!
Oh, it's so tiny!

- Oh, it's so tiny!
- Wha... what is?

- Oh, no, the house, the house!
- Oh, yeah!

- The house...
- Oh, you like it so tiny!

Yes, it's hurting!

[rock music]

Oh no, Chelsea.

Don't say a word, it is my cheat day.

This is so good.

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