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Los Angeles, California.
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The land of sunshine. And traffic.
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But that didn't bother me.
It gave me some time to think.
4
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It gave me some "me time".
5
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Sadly, starting that sunny Monday morning,
my "me time" was totally fucked.
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Ingmar, I was wondering, is it okay if I call you Ing?
Instead of Ingmar?
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And you can call me Ax, if you want.
-Aah, I don't think so
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How about when I text you, I can just text Ing.
Or even better - just I.
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What the hell is wrong with Ingmar? Nothing, no, that works ...
-Yeah..
10
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I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I know, I know I'm talking a lot, but..
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.. you know its our first day working together, I'm a bit nervous
That's when I start talking.. a lot.
12
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Well, actually, that's a lie, because I always talk a lot,
but.. but.. even more when I'm nervous.
13
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But right, I'll shut up now.
Be quiet.
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Where we going? -Oh, to my therapist.
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-Your therapist? -Yip. My therapist.
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As far as I was concerned, a high class therapist
had nothing on a low class shooting range.
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Stop staring!
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What will they do? Shoot at me?
-Yip!
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Well, well, well ... If it isn't "Igmar" the Swede?
20
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I see that you have seen shopping for extremely gay cardigans
at H & M.
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Jane McKenney, founder and CEO. of McKenney Enterprises -
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- the number one investigative firm in all of Los Angeles. -I'm...
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Axel. Born and raised in the South of Sweden -
24
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- in an area called Skåne. Did I pronounce that correctly?
25
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Well.. perfect. Actually.
26
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Up until three days ago you were a somewhat successful DJ who
in a moment of existential crisis..
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..decided to join the detective game.
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How did you.. -As I told you, I'm Jane McKenney,
the number one investigator in all of Los Angeles
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I'm a pro, not like "Igmar" here.. who sucks .. at everything.
30
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Ah - he doesn't suck at everything, he doesn't suck at anything.
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-Do you suck at anything? -Stop now.
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-What are you doing? -Giving you a hand.
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Look at this! Little Swedish ladies
in a little Swedish lady fight. "Pop"
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Hey! I would love to stick around and smell that aftershave your're wearing..
35
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..but I need to teach this guy how to shoot.
36
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You? Teach? Mr. Lone Wolf? Hahahaha. That's funny.
37
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Tell you what. Give me one week and I'll have him
shoot much better than one of your boy-toys.
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-Are we on? -Are Swedish Fish from Sweden
39
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Well, actually, Swedish fish don't come from Sweden.
[thud of boot]
40
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This is on.
41
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You my friend, are as screwed as a piece of IKEA furniture.
42
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And you.. well.. just try to stay alive. At least until after the contest.
43
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Advertise your product or brand here
contact www.OpenSubtitles.org today
44
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What did she mean with "try and stay alive"?
45
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Try to stay alive. Screw her and put on these.
46
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I cannot do this. Weapons kill people.
47
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If you want to work with me, you must be able to handle a gun.
48
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There is your target. -It's heavy.
49
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No, I do not know ... I can't.
50
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Wait.. "Come on, motherfucker"!
51
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For you, this is nothing, but for me it is totally ...
52
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-You should have been inside my pants. -Uh, no thanks.
53
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Okay, thats it. Just gonna do it. Do it
54
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Au!
55
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Hell!
56
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I think my wife's having an affair. Its someone at her work.
57
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I wanna hire you to a.. find out if she is.
58
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[Shouting] I just wanna thank you for choosing the Swedish Dicks.
59
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You do not have to shout. I'm blind, not deaf.
60
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We had a little accident at the shooting range. It affected our hearing.
61
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He blind? I have a friend who has a friend-
62
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-who ripout orphan cat's eye and transplant into human.
63
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If you want, I can hook you up, blind man.
64
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- What?
- Not now, Sun.
65
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You think about it.
66
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Well, we will immediately start surveillance on your wife sir and if she's sleeping with another man we'll let you know.
67
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Or a woman. She could be sleeping with a woman. You know. Or an animal.
68
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Sleeping with animals was actually legal in Sweden until just a few years ago.
69
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-Now listen! You gotta filter your thoughts. Okay?!
-Yep. Right.
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You can't say whatever pops into your head, just because
it pops into your head. -Yes, right, I'm sorry
71
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Now the poor guy hired us to find out if his wife is cheating on him.
72
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How many times do I have to I say it? I'm sorry, you're right.
73
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No! No no no no! No! You listen to me.
74
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You tell your client either he accepts the contract as is,
or my client will walk..
75
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..all over his grave. Am I making myself clear? Great!
76
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- But.. is it true though? -What?
-What you just said out there?
77
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That its legal to sleep with animals?
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It was legal. Until 2014.
79
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About the same time that they forbid testing makeup on animals.
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I'm not saying is correlated...
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..but uh.. it makes sense. You do not want to sleep with an animal thats not wearing makeup.
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-Hi Dad. -Hi.
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-"Dad"? -Saraa is my daughter.
84
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My name is Sarah, Dad, okay. Its not "Saara". How hard can that be?
85
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She doesn't speak Swedish. -And why should I?
86
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Its a totally useless language that only nine million people in the world even understand.
87
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Do you want to put that into a true perspective? Nine million people is exactly two million people less than the eleven million people that currently reside in Los Angeles County.
88
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Plus, by not speaking Swedish, I get to show my father how pissed off I am at him that
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-he chose to hang out with his stunt buddies rather than me when I was growing up.
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-And who are you, by the way? -Oh, I'm Axel. You talk fast. Really fast!
91
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-She's a lawyer. -Oh! Speaking of which ...
92
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I got the judge to drop the breaking and entering charges on you in the Hartman case. -What?
93
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Wow! Thank you. Owe you.
94
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Uh-oh. That's the understatement of the.. century. Considering that you actually do owe me because you never pay me.
95
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Oh! I gotta go. I'm having some contractors come do some renovations on my condo.
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-Who did you get? Who are you hiring? -Don't start.
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-Start what? -Interfering in my life.
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Well.. I'm just asking a simple question here. -Nooo. A simple question would be:
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"What are you having renovated?" Not "who is doing the renovations?"
100
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-Love you. -And I love you too.
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Not one word ...
102
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After that joyful family gathering
it was time to take care of business.
103
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There was a cheating wife out there.
We just had to prove it.
104
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Hopefully with Axel
keeping his mount shut.
105
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Oh-ho-ho! Hey! Walkie-talkies! Hallo, testing, testing, ...
106
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So uh, your relationship with Sarah ...
107
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-Seems like something you two need to work on... Over. -I don't think so.
108
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Well, I'm no shrink. But I could be.. after all the hours I've been in therapy...And what I saw between you two..
109
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..Not good. -Can you stop playing with those! Expensive equipment! Okay!
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Okay! Just saying, if you want to, I got the number to a great shrink. You sit down..
111
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Thanks, but no thanks.
112
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-Over and out. - "Okay."
113
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You see? I did "air quotes"... means that I don't believe what you said.
114
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And I'm gonna do this: Ping!
115
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Which means I don't care.
116
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Touché! That's French and it means ...
117
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I know what touché means. -Oh yeah? -Yeah.
-What does it mean?
118
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Oh whoa whoa oh, here it is....
119
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This is where she works.
120
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So, what do we do now?
121
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Now we gonna sit here and wait. Keep our eyes open.
122
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-Wait? -Uhm hmm.
-Just wait? - Yip.
123
00:10:00,602 --> 00:10:04,002
-Do you think we can change the music? -You can't.
124
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The cassette is stuck in there; I can't get it out.
You know what, it flips to the other side by itself.
125
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Just wait, ...
126
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Listen.. listen ... Now!
127
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-Wow!
-Yeah
128
00:10:26,166 --> 00:10:29,332
Excuse me. -Whoa whoa whoa.. what are you doing?
-I need to pee.
129
00:10:29,333 --> 00:10:34,933
Okay. You gotta use the piss jar.
130
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-We have a piss jar? -Ja-ip.
131
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So.. I'm supposed to pee in this? - Yeah, I don't want you to step outside and blow the cover. -No, no. -Sure
132
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Oh my God! Can you do that in the back, please?
133
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Be easy on the carseat.
134
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If this is what you did to Sarah when she was a kid, I can see why you're having problems.
135
00:11:03,199 --> 00:11:05,599
There she is! Get down!
136
00:11:09,359 --> 00:11:12,599
Is she with someone? - No, she's alone.
-Damn.
137
00:11:17,600 --> 00:11:20,840
After taking care of Axel's leftovers..
138
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-I had some family business to attend to.
139
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Axel told me he had to go some place.
140
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Frankly, I didn't care.
141
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You didn't actually think it was you that shot.. did you? -Yes ... no... no
142
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He did. He thought it was him that shot, boys.
[Laughter]
143
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Don't be sad, little fella. We're just havin' some fun.
144
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You know, I really like you.
145
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In fact, I think you should dump "Igmar" and come and work with me.
146
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-What? -Come and run with the big dogs.
147
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Oh! I appreciate the offer, I really do.. but you know what, I can't..
148
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I'm in business with Ingmar and ... -He actually thinks I'm serious.. can you believe that?
149
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Oh! Oh. Oh. That's. That's very good. You got me.
150
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-You win. -Yeah, I always do, sunshine. I always do.
151
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Hey!
152
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What exactly did you mean when you said "try and stay alive"?
153
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-You don't know? -Know what?
154
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If you don't know its not for me to tell you.
155
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But I'd say you have a little mystery to unravel, "Hansel".
156
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If I were you, I'd start with the movie called "Blood Curse II".
157
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"Blood Curse II"?
-It's even worse than it sounds.
158
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Come, boys. Lets go find something to shoot.
159
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Well, our first day as partners hadn't been easy for either one of us.
160
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On top of being the most annoying person I ever met
161
00:13:06,904 --> 00:13:11,104
Axel really brought back some painful memories.
162
00:13:13,420 --> 00:13:16,540
But this was not the time to be emotional.
163
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The case was still on square one, and we had no proof the blind man's wife was sleeping around.
164
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You know what? I like being here.
165
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It's like being at a drive-in movie.
166
00:13:43,037 --> 00:13:47,757
You know what? Speaking of movies... You were a stuntman, right?
167
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I mean, didn't you work on that one.. hmm... What's it..
168
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... "Blood Curse II"?
169
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I do not know what the hell you're playing at, but you better stop it, right now. You understand?
170
00:14:16,867 --> 00:14:20,227
Shit ... I gotta take this.
171
00:14:26,222 --> 00:14:29,142
-Hi.
-What the hell do you think you're doing?
172
00:14:29,262 --> 00:14:32,382
-Uh, what do you mean? -Oh, don't play innocent with me.
173
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Honestly, I don't know what the hell you're talking about, Sarah.
174
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Oh, okay, so you're saying that you didn't do a little background check guys on the guys I've hired to do my renovation?
175
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I mean, you actually tracked them down, found out where they worked and threatened to hurt them if they didn't do a good job?
176
00:14:46,241 --> 00:14:49,241
And you know how I know? Because one of them recorded it on their smartphone.
177
00:14:49,361 --> 00:14:54,521
You listen to me, asshole.
I want you to lower the price by about a hundred percent!
178
00:14:54,613 --> 00:14:56,813
Whaa.. get the fuck outa here!
179
00:14:56,942 --> 00:15:00,542
Dad ... How many times have we been over this?
180
00:15:00,654 --> 00:15:07,334
Stop interfering in my live, okay. I can take care of myself.
-Okay, okay, I'm sorry, Sarah
181
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Apology accepted, But now I get the luxury of seeing if I can find someone else to work on my place.
182
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I can recommend a really great ... -I'm hanging up now... [beep]
183
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...Contractor.
184
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Like I said, I know a great shrink.
185
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Oh! Its her!
186
00:15:45,755 --> 00:15:47,955
Showtime!
187
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-There's the car.
-But where are they?
188
00:16:21,294 --> 00:16:24,734
How can I help you, handsome?
189
00:16:24,847 --> 00:16:28,407
Well, we're looking for the room number of the couple that just checked in.
190
00:16:28,520 --> 00:16:31,720
Sorry, no can do.. motel policy.
191
00:16:31,837 --> 00:16:35,917
Oh, I understand, but I was hoping that you could make an exception..
192
00:16:36,022 --> 00:16:40,462
..because they parked their car just in front of ours; we can't get out.
193
00:16:40,563 --> 00:16:46,923
You see, I'm taking my friend here's to his assisted living facility. Yeah, he's a little bit slow.
194
00:16:47,000 --> 00:16:50,480
-Oh, you poor thing. Yeah, he's 35...
195
00:16:50,593 --> 00:16:54,113
.. but intellectually he's no more than 3.
196
00:16:54,226 --> 00:16:59,506
Hey little buddy. You wanna lollipop?
197
00:17:01,358 --> 00:17:05,158
Billy. You better answer the nice lady.
198
00:17:08,229 --> 00:17:15,909
-I make big dirt in my pants.
-You really are just the cutest little thing.
199
00:17:15,968 --> 00:17:20,088
They're down the hall, in Room 1-0-5.
200
00:17:34,369 --> 00:17:36,689
-Here it is. -She was pretty high...
201
00:17:36,817 --> 00:17:40,457
.. are you sure she gave us the right room number?
202
00:17:40,568 --> 00:17:47,568
-Tell me that you see me! Tell me! -I can see you! I can see you! -Oh! -Ah!
203
00:17:48,940 --> 00:17:56,140
-Sex with a man that can see is soooo much better than sex with a man who can't see!
- Oh yes! -Yes! Yes!
204
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Your suspicions were correct, sir. Your wife is sleeping with another man.
205
00:18:02,799 --> 00:18:06,239
-Are you sure? -Yes.
206
00:18:06,353 --> 00:18:10,833
-Are you laying out photos in front of me? -No.
207
00:18:12,750 --> 00:18:19,310
Why would I be doing that? You're blind... -Yeah?!
-You're very blind so you couldn't see those
208
00:18:19,384 --> 00:18:22,824
I need proof. -Like a video.
209
00:18:22,938 --> 00:18:26,978
Which doesn't work either because you can't see.
210
00:18:27,084 --> 00:18:31,604
-Audioproof. Yes. Thats what I need.
211
00:18:31,704 --> 00:18:35,944
And that's what you're gonna get, sir! Audioproof.
212
00:18:46,630 --> 00:18:50,430
"Guten Tag". My name is Ax-i-mus.
213
00:18:50,539 --> 00:18:53,139
Aximus? What kind of a name is that?
214
00:18:53,264 --> 00:18:57,344
That is German. We do a lot of fucked up things and we have a lot of fucked up names.
215
00:18:57,449 --> 00:19:02,769
I'm sure that by now you have read the memo about your company hiring a new carpet cleaning company.
216
00:19:03,421 --> 00:19:07,181
-No I didn't read that.
-Aagh, who has time to read, ja?
217
00:19:07,291 --> 00:19:11,931
Anyway, I am here to do a preliminary round of assessing just how dirty the carpets are.
218
00:19:12,029 --> 00:19:18,389
And, I would say that they are dirty.
Schweinerei, ja?
219
00:19:18,465 --> 00:19:21,505
Anyway, the client's opinion is more important than mine.
220
00:19:21,624 --> 00:19:26,304
-How would you describe the carpet?
-I would say they're really dirty.
221
00:19:26,402 --> 00:19:30,362
-Really dirty?
-Really dirty. Unbelievably dirty.
222
00:19:30,469 --> 00:19:33,469
Unbelievably "schmutsig".
223
00:19:33,589 --> 00:19:37,869
If I was this carpet, and I was this dirty, I would want someone to spank me.
224
00:19:37,972 --> 00:19:40,532
-Wouldn't you?
-I suppose so.
225
00:19:40,657 --> 00:19:44,217
-You suppose what?
-I suppose I'd want someone to spank me. -Oh good.
226
00:19:44,329 --> 00:19:48,049
Ok. We could clean the carpet softer or harder.
Which do you prefer?
227
00:19:48,160 --> 00:19:51,360
- Uhm. Ah. Which is better? -Well, harder of course. -Well, do it harder.
228
00:19:51,476 --> 00:19:54,916
-One more time.
-Do it harder.
229
00:19:55,030 --> 00:19:59,910
Now, would you like us to just clean the surface of the carpet, or would you like us to go deeper?
230
00:20:00,006 --> 00:20:02,086
-Go Deeper. -I'm sorry?
231
00:20:02,217 --> 00:20:04,617
-Go Deeper.
-"Entschuldigung"?
232
00:20:06,560 --> 00:20:09,920
Deeper. Unbelievably dirty.
233
00:20:10,035 --> 00:20:14,155
Then do it harder. Go deeper.
234
00:20:14,260 --> 00:20:19,500
Suppose I'd want someone to spank me.
Do it harder. Unbelievably dirty.
235
00:20:19,591 --> 00:20:22,511
-Harder
-Turn it off, please. I've heard enough.
236
00:20:24,645 --> 00:20:31,325
Sir, in our opinion, she wasn't actually that excited about..
237
00:20:31,398 --> 00:20:34,918
..having sex with the man she was having sex with.
238
00:20:35,030 --> 00:20:37,030
That's why she sounds so lifeless.
239
00:20:37,163 --> 00:20:42,003
No, it's definitely my wife. That's exactly how she sounds when we make love.
240
00:20:42,099 --> 00:20:44,379
She's a quiet woman.
241
00:20:46,094 --> 00:20:49,974
-Yes. -Clearly. -Yes. Definitely. -Quiet.
242
00:20:55,176 --> 00:20:57,176
That was a close call..
243
00:20:57,309 --> 00:21:03,869
..but in the end we were successful in bringing our first case to a conclusion.
244
00:21:03,942 --> 00:21:08,662
Maybe my luck was changing? Maybe Axel was good for the business...
245
00:21:08,760 --> 00:21:12,040
.. and maybe we did have a chance at the shootoff?
246
00:21:24,199 --> 00:21:27,159
Make me proud.
247
00:21:34,545 --> 00:21:39,585
-We've got a winner, which means we got a loser.
-Well, you say I lost. I say I came in second place.
248
00:21:39,678 --> 00:21:43,078
No, you're a loser. Just like "Igmar", loser.
249
00:21:43,192 --> 00:21:46,752
She is right, Axel. We are the losers.
250
00:21:46,865 --> 00:21:53,145
In our home country there is an old Viking tradition that the losers provides drinks for the winner.
251
00:21:53,222 --> 00:21:56,102
But I think its too strong for you, Jane.
252
00:21:56,223 --> 00:22:01,743
-Yeah, right? What you got?
-Ah, this is called "Viking water".
253
00:22:05,502 --> 00:22:09,902
Dad! Please tell me you're joking. Tell me you didn't actually make that woman drink that?
254
00:22:10,004 --> 00:22:12,044
I did!
255
00:22:18,145 --> 00:22:21,105
Dad! You can not keep doing things like this.
256
00:22:21,225 --> 00:22:25,105
Oh, you don't want me interfering in your life, so please don't interfere in mine.
257
00:22:25,213 --> 00:22:29,093
You know, as much as it pains me to admit, you're right; it won't happen again.
258
00:22:29,201 --> 00:22:35,281
Well actually I kinda like it when you interfere in my life, Sarah. Makes me feel closer to you.
259
00:22:35,361 --> 00:22:39,321
If you're trying to get me to admit that I'd like you interfering in mine, you can forget about it.
260
00:22:39,428 --> 00:22:41,908
It was worth a shot.
261
00:22:42,035 --> 00:22:47,195
Well, I gotta hang up. Having a drink with an old friend.
262
00:22:47,286 --> 00:22:49,926
-Oh, ok. -Bye hun.
-Bye.
263
00:22:50,998 --> 00:22:54,598
All in all, it had been a pretty good day.
264
00:22:54,710 --> 00:23:00,230
Sarah and I were ok, and I didn't think about strangling that little Swedish guy.
265
00:23:00,317 --> 00:23:05,597
So finally I could spend some quality time with my best friend.
266
00:23:23,418 --> 00:23:24,658
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267
00:23:24,659 --> 00:23:28,899
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