Original subtitles

This is the story of two sisters,

Jessica Tate

and Mary Campbell.

These are the Tates,

and these are the Campbells.

And this is Soap.

Well, I don't know.

I really, c'mon... I feel terrible.

Do you think that fellow accepted my apology?

I don't think he heard your apology.

He was unconscious.

I never saw a guy go down so fast

being hit with a tennis ball.

Well, I don't think the ball did it.

I think it's when the ball stunned him,

and he fell and hit his throat on the net.

Well, you know, this guy, he's really asking for trouble.

Now, why was he standing right in front of me?

Because we were playing doubles.

That's where you stand in doubles, Bat.

I thought you played this game.

Well, I do, I did, I do.

It's just that I haven't played in a long time

because... my arm. I got a tennis arm.

You mean tennis elbow?

No, arm. Used to be tennis elbow. Then it spread

to the whole right side of the body, over here.

They call that tennis side.

I don't know. Nobody seems to understand that one.

Well,

shall we tell him, Jack?

Sure.

Tell him what?

What we discussed this morning.

Oh, that. Right.

Bat, remember when we talked about you

being lieutenant governor

and then running for the Senate.

How could I forget?

Well, you could forget.

I forgot.

Bat, we did a little investigating.

Now, it's a standard procedure,

running a check on somebody in politics,

and, well, we've come up with a few minor problems.

Oh? Like what?

Your family.

Oh, my family?

Yeah, you got a mighty colorful group

over there at your house, Bat.

I love that homo son who's become an old Jewish man.

That could get us the Jewish vote.

And, of course, the son that talks to his doll

is pretty cute too.

And that doll talks back. Did you know that?

We have a couple of problems over there,

but it's nothing serious.

Well, every once in a while,

we come across a family like that,

in the Ozarks maybe,

due to a lot of inbreeding.

And relatives marrying each other can sometimes cause it.

I had a fourth cousin once,

Rita May.

Gorgeous, just gorgeous.

They all said:

"Stay away from Rita May.

You'll have children who are idiots."

So I stayed away and married my wife,

who wasn't related at all,

and had three children,

all idiots.

He's got the mind of a eggplant.

Now, Bat, we can't run you for office

with that family of yours.

The public just won't vote for you.

Well, I mean, do they have to, like,

really know about my family?

Well, it's hard to keep stuff from the public

'cause of the damn press.

Nothing's private anymore.

Take that congressman's wife,

who was naked in that magazine.

Now what's that got to do with anything?

That's an example of invasion of privacy.

She was naked.

She posed for them pictures.

No.

His mother and father must have been brother and sister.

Yeah, well,

in fact we do have a solution to the problem.

We can't hide your family from the press,

but we can do something else.

We can disassociate you from them.

Uh, what do you mean?

Dump 'em.

What?

Eighty-six 'em.

What?

Leave them, Bat.

Leave?

My family?

Well, if you want to be senator, now, that's the only way.

Leave them?

Just move to a new house

and don't tell them where it is.

It's a big world out there, Bat.

A big world, and it can be all yours.

Now, what do you say?

Now, remember, private.

We kill him, and we get out, s??

Okay.

And Puerco, right?

Oh, hello!

You must be from the Malaguayan Liberation Front.

The plans for the revolution

are in the top drawer of the bureau,

and I have some subway tokens for you here.

El didn't want you to spend your own money on the revolution.

He asked me to give you these subway tokens.

Now, when you get to the East Side airline terminal,

you take the bus marked "Kennedy Airport."

Now, let's see, the fare is $4 apiece.

That's two times four is eight, right.

But you may want to grab a bite to eat,

so here's $11.

That's it, good luck, goodbye.

How the hell can we eat on three bucks?

You shut up.

Comrade Sandia, let's find El Puerco

and get the heck out of here.

Idioto, do you see El Puerco here?

Don't you think I would have killed him already, if he were here?

Still here?

Good.

Gentlemen,

I was wondering if you would do me a little favor.

That bureau looks so imposing on that side of the room.

I was wondering if you would mind moving it right down there.

Thank you.

You see, it will keep the room balanced.

Oh! Okay.

House Beautiful says, "Be sure the room is balanced."

Easy. Good.

Now, this little dresser here, you see,

that can take the place of the bureau against the wall.

Those are priceless.

Here we are, way against the wall.

Good, fine.

I'm so sorry to ask you to do this,

but my husband and I are divorced,

and El is off somewhere.

He's not here?

No, he and his men went to Miami

to plan the assassination of, uh...

Louis Sandia.

Did you hear that?

He's gonna kill you.

Not if I kill him first.

No, you weren't listening.

El is going to kill him.

You won't have to kill him at all.

Now, if you could just take the lamp,

put it on the left side of the dresser.

Be careful. It's an antique.

Are you the one they call "Red"?

Yes.

You are the woman who freed El Puerco.

Yes.

I have some news for you, all bad.

Don't tell me.

I know what it is.

It looks terrible there, right?

No, actually...

Oh, no, you're sweet, but you're right.

It looked much better where it was.

So, do you mind?

It's got to be balanced. It would be better...

Uh, the lamp.

Antique.

Right.

Just right back where that was, over there.

You better say something.

My disk is slipping.

Uh, Red... Do you mind if I call you Red?

S?.

I'm afraid that after we are through with this,

I will have to take you back to Malaguay with me.

This is Louis Sandia.

He's the leader of the Communist movement.

His orders were to either kill El Puerco,

or take the redhead liberator hostage.

I'm a mute, is that it?

Young men,

I am so flattered. Really I am.

But I'm afraid I'm not going to be able

to go back with you tonight.

You ain't got no choice.

Quite frankly,

I am really not crazy about your government.

Hey, that's okay.

Oh! Here.

See the Communists don't believe in God

or investment tax credits.

Anyway, it's impossible for me

to go to Malaguay with you tonight.

I have a nail appointment in the morning.

So you see, it makes it virtually impossible.

Lady.

Plus which,

I do not have the vaguest notion of what to pack.

Oh!

I mean, is it summer there?

Is it winter?

It's balmy, 70 degrees, winds from the north, northeast.

Private.

Clear skies, 20 percent chance of rain.

Idiota.

I'll tell you what,

you go first, and I'll come tomorrow.

I'll join you later. Really I will.

And then, with my nails done

and my wardrobe carefully planned,

I'll look so much more attractive.

N'est pas?

Lady,

you don't come nice,

we have to tie you up.

Oh!

All right.

But first I have to call the nail lady.

Otherwise I get charged.

I think you're stalling.

Look,

Sandy,

this is really a dumb idea on your part

because El Puerco is going to rescue me.

He is going to come after me...

in a second.

That's just what we're counting on.

I don't believe it, big guy.

I don't believe it.

Dutch, I know you're upset.

We're all upset.

You just have to try to keep calm.

But they kidnapped her.

I know that, Dutch.

They took her. Oh, my God,

I can't stand it, I can't stand it.

Calm down.

Dutch, stop crying.

But they took her.

They took her.

Oh, my God.

Stop that crying!

I can't take it anymore.

Oh, don't let me interrupt you.

Saunders.

Yes.

It is imperative that the phone lines

be kept open at all times.

We must be ready for any word from Mrs. Tate.

If that is anybody but the kidnappers,

the CIA or the FBI, hang up.

Hello.

It's your tailor.

I'll take it in the kitchen.

Any more news?

Yes.

B-B-Burt called from the b-b-bus depot,

and he picked up the kidnappers' note

like they said.

Did he read it?

I don't think so.

It probably wasn't addressed to him.

If it wasn't, he wouldn't read it

because that's a federal offense.

I knew a guy in jail once

who was there because he tampered with the U...

U... U.S. mail.

Oh, shut up, Dutch.

Here we are!

I came back as soon as I heard the news.

Where were you?

We had a duel.

I was in Miami.

Never mind about that.

What's happening with Jessica?

A man challenges me to a duel, and he says,

"Never mind about that."

All right, all right.

I will make it up to you, I promise.

Yes, we'll have breakfast, and then I'll shoot you.

What's the latest news on Mother?

She was kidnapped.

Besides that.

Well, nothing much.

Besides the kidnapping,

it's been kind of slow around here.

Your Uncle Burt has gone to get

the kidnappers' instructions for us.

Hi. Burt.

Bat.

What's up Uncle Burt? Bat.

Hi, Uncle Burt. Name's Bat.

Uncle Bat? Hello.

Please.

Please be straight with me. Sure.

They kidnapped her because of me, didn't they?

Of course they did, you idiot.

If it weren't for you, she'd be here now.

If it wasn't for you treating her so lousy,

she never would have left you in the first place.

You animal!

You slut!

I love doing that.

Major.

Saunders.

You know that I do have

the kidnappers' instructions here.

Oh!

Sit down, sit down. Please read them.

Please. Let us know.

Read it.

Go ahead, Bat. Read it.

Hi there.

Oh, God!

It sounds terribly already.

We have taken the redheaded one known as Red.

We hold her horses until...

I believe that word was hostage.

Hostage until you send us El Puerco.

I knew they really wanted you.

Ow! I knew it, I knew it.

Silencio! Tio Burt!

So you give him, and we give back Red to you.

And what if we refuse?

If you refuse, we will kill her.

Oh, my God!

Weren't they gonna get in touch?

We are going to get in touch with you.

When? Soon.

It's signed, "The kidnappers."

What are we going to do?

It's obvious.

I will return to Malaguay.

As a human time bomb.

And when Jessica's safely aboard the plane and headed home,

Juan One will trip the switch,

y kaboom!

Excuse me.

I will die contented

knowing that we will take along

a few of those Communist dogs with us.

Uh, excuse me.

And we'll trade our life for hers.

Good luck.

See ya.

You cannot do this thing, El Puerco.

Yes, you can.

This is the woman I loves, Juan One.

This is the woman he loves, Juan One.

Oh, and what about the loves of a people?

What about the loves of your country?

Is it not more important

to rid the world of this foul curse,

than to save one person?

Which is the greater responsibility,

your woman or your country?

So I shouldn't go?

You have to.

They'll kill her if you don't go.

I will go.

I will lead the counterattack.

Who will go with me?

I'll go.

You have homework.

I'll lead the counterattack.

This is my revolution.

It's my mother.

Damn it, I said I'll go.

She's the mother of my children.

Of course, we are divorced,

and I'm not a well man, really.

You can't lead an attack.

You have no experience.

And besides, I have to shoot you before I go.

Oh, well, Dutch could go.

I'll go. I broke out of prison.

I can break into a country. I'll do it.

What's the matter with you people?

You cannot counterattack.

They will kill Jessica,

as soon as they finish killing you.

This is a job for the government,

not for you guys.

Yes, it would seem fairly difficult

to attack an entire country with six people.

We'll spread out.

No, I think...

Quiet.

Will you think for a minute here?

We don't know that Jessica is even in Malaguay.

We don't even know if Jessica is alive.

So, what do we do in the meantime?

Wait.

Lady, lady, what's the matter?

Nothing.

Yeah, I can see that.

There's so much joy in this kitchen,

I can't stand it.

Here, have a piece of candy.

No, thank you.

It's nougats.

No.

It's very good.

Goes right through my teeth, leaves some holes,

then goes directly to my heart,

where it sits,

like the Rock of Gibraltar.

I hope they invent heart transplant soon.

They already have.

You're kidding. No.

I could get a new heart?

Oh, where do I go for that, Corvette's?

You can't buy one. Someone has to donate one.

Oh.

I bet there's a hell of a crowd rushing to do that.

"Here, take my heart."

"No, take mine.

Mine's better than that heart."

"You call that a heart?

Pfft on that heart!"

Ah, you feel better now, right?

My life is a mess.

That's the way it's supposed to be.

Come on.

Ya. When God come up with his great design,

you think it was nice, neat, organized?

Please! The guy was an abstract expressionist.

Life was a mishmash.

Mine is more than that.

It's a disaster.

My marriage, my family, my life.

It's all going to hell.

It's a test.

God tests.

No kidding.

Sure.

What else is he going to do all day,

play racquetball?

He's got to keep himself busy,

so he tests.

Well, how come he's conducting all the tests

in this house?

Traffic.

It's easier for him to stay put.

Anyway, he tested a lot more

on my friend Boris.

Oy, talk about tests, poor guy.

First, the Cossacks ravaged his wife,

but since she looked like a herring,

it was more of a test for the Cossacks.

Then, he had a daughter who had moles on her face

the size of rubles.

His mother went around all day

in a wheelbarrow,

and they had a son,

who had more than a passing interest in shepherds.

But...

Boris knew it was just God's test.

So what did he do?

He kvetched. He whined.

He started going to the track.

Don't pay attention to God's tests.

My, uh,

first wife,

Franya,

used to like to make me crazy.

She'll do little things to annoy me,

like spit out her food on my plate.

I ignored her.

She stopped.

So ignore God's tests,

he'll stop.

Ignore.

My baby may be an alien,

my husband is never here,

and my son...

is an old man.

Oh!

I had a friend who used to sigh like that.

Boris.

No, Moishe.

He'd come to your house, say a few words

and blow your candles out.

If he was having a bad day,

he'd leave entire villages in the dark.

Lady, don't think what you're thinking.

It'll get better.

And when it does,

you ought to be here.

So don't think what you're thinking.

You're a smart guy.

I'm 90 and I'm a Jew.

It's a hell of a combination.

Oh, Jodie!

Will you ever come back?

Still with the Jodie stuff.

Lady, I'll tell you what.

I'll be your son.

You want me to be your son?

I'll be your son, okay?

But please, no more with the Jodie.

Jodie is a name for a bunny rabbit.

Or...

a pussycat.

You're still the same.

Jodie, Julius, young, old.

You still got the same heart.

Give me a peck.

Now, what we're going to do

is a Serpico number on Campbell.

He'll get a tip.

I loved that movie, Serpico.

He'll get a tip

there's gonna be a big drug transaction.

I loved that dog.

But, you know, you gotta brush dogs like that every day.

They get snarls.

So Campbell gets a tip.

He comes here.

When he walks in,

you blast him,

and I mean, blast him.

I want him dead.

Completely dead.

No, partially dead.

Of course completely dead, you moron.

Because Serpico wasn't completely dead.

They missed his brain, and he's living in Russia.

He's living in Switzerland.

And I want Campbell completely dead.

Not wounded. Dead.

No mistakes.

Bring me his ear.

Will Mary ever accept Jodie as an old Jewish man?

Will they start going to temple together?

Will Burt leave his family for politics?

Will he live to leave them?

Can Jessica survive as a hostage?

Can her kidnappers survive Jessica as a hostage?

How long must the family wait to find out?

Will they ever see Jessica again?

These questions and many others

will be answered in the next episode of Soap.

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