All language subtitles for Roseanne.S05E16.N10

[theme music]

I'm gonna be 12.

I don't want any
more babysitters.

Becky and Darlene
were allowed to stay

alone when they were my age.

Well, that's because girls
mature faster than boys.

So when do boys get mature?

We'll let you know as
soon as your dad gets there.

I heard that, and I
choose to respond thusly.

[armpit noises]

- Mom lied to me.
- Well, you're lucky, Deej.

There are kids in
China whose mothers

have no lies to give them.

Mom says boys aren't
as mature as girls.

Dammit, Roseanne.

The boy keeps hearing all
this negative stuff about men,

and it's just not true.

He's every bit as mature
as the girls ever were.

Well, your son wants to
stay home all by himself.

No way!

He's a boy.

[phone ringing]

I'm gonna get a lawyer.

Kids can divorce their
parents for stuff like this.

Oh, yeah?

Well, you know that little
boy that divorced his parents?

You know what he's doing now?

Every night, he goes out
cruising the bars looking

for new parents, and I
can't tell you the kind

of garbage that's out there.

DJ, run upstairs for a minute.

I'm not done
talking about this.

Go upstairs.

I'm not finished!

What's going on?

It's Joan.

She's calling about your dad.

What happened?

You never listen to me!

DJ, get upstairs now!

He died, honey.

[music playing]

[theme music]

Uh, yeah, I'm here.

It's Harris.

Al Harris.

He's my dad.

Look, I just got through
telling this whole thing

to somebody else.

Well, all I want to know is if
his fight's coming in on time.

No, not coach.

Try baggage.

Ask them about his
frequent flyer miles.

He was a salesman.

It would have been
very important to him.

Jackie, can't you go and
get drunk or something?

Yeah, I'm here.

Listen, this is going to sound
kind of weird and everything,

but is he going to be
coming down that conveyor

belt with everybody's baggage?

No.

No, the mortuary picks him up.

Oh, that's good
because I didn't think

we could fit him in our truck.

Well, I'm sorry you
don't think that's funny.

Hey, I'm saving my best
jokes for the funeral.

That's it.

I'm not making any more calls.

You do the rest of
the family list.

I can't call people, Roseanne.

Jackie, dial.

I'm supposed to
be in mourning.

Well, then wear a veil over
your face while you do it.

Can't-- Auntie Barbara?

It's Jackie.

Jackie.

I'm fine.

Fine.

I'm fine.

I have some bad news.

Dad is not with us anymore.

I said, Dad has passed away.

He's passed away.

Dad is gone.

Dad's dead.

He's dead!

No, dead!

Dad!

He's fine.

He sends his love.

Bye.

I am not doing that again.

You can't make me.

BEVERLY: Hello, girls.

Where have you been?

Hi, Mom.

Everybody doing OK?

Yeah, we're doing fine.

How are you doing?

Oh, I'm not sure.

You dream about this
moment, and then it happens.

Then it's just not the same.

Jackie, honey, you
look exhausted.

Well, I had to talk
to Auntie Barbara.

I think we should
all have some tea

and then pour large
amounts of brandy into it.

Darlene, will you
put on some water

and then bring the brandy
down from your room?

Very funny.

Don't you think if I
had brandy in my room,

I'd spend more time at home?

So, did Joan
have more details?

Or was she rushing out to
break up another marriage?

He was on the road and
he had a heart attack.

If there's any more, she'll
tell us at the funeral.

At the funeral?

She wants to be there.

We can't stop her.

Perhaps she and I can draw
straws over who gets to throw

themself on the coffin.

Well, if she gets
out of line, we'll

drag her behind the chapel, and
we'll beat the crap out of her.

Mom, are we out of tea bags?

I think I put them
in the cupboard.

You know, for such a rotten kid,
you're sure being a big help.

I think I put away
most of the grief buffet.

It's so bizarre how
people bring over all

this food when someone dies.

Yeah, like it's going to
make you feel any better.

Hey, chocolate cake!

When did that get here?

Well, um, everything's
all crazy around her,

and we haven't even had a
chance to talk or anything.

Are you OK?

Well, I feel bad that
I don't feel bad enough.

I mean, I haven't
seen him in a while.

I don't know.
It's weird.

Well, you don't got to feel
nothing but what you feel.

I just feel like I should cry.

I haven't cried yet.

That's OK.

I've got cramps, though.

Well, I think he
would've liked that.

[music playing]

Grandma, I'm really
sorry Grandpa died.

I'm going to miss him.

That's sweet, dear.

Your grandfather loved
you too, and he's going

to look very smart in this tie.

This is for Grandpa?

Absolutely.

You're wearing the very
tie that will be buried

with your grandfather tomorrow.

Get it off me!

Get it off!

Darlene, would you let--

No.

Hey, Mom, wouldn't
it just be easier

if you pealed your face off and
chased them around the block?

Roseanne, I have
to tie this straight.

You can't trust
those funeral people.

They'll just throw
the tie on him.

It has to be right.

His tie will be
perfect, Mother.

I'll make sure of it myself.

The man will not
be buried under six

feet of rocks, dirt, and crap
until his tie is perfect.

Did you find the
picture of Dad yet?

I can't decide.

Well, you got
to hurry, Jackie,

because the mortician
needs to see it

so he can figure out what
Dad's supposed to look like.

How about that one?

That's his Navy
picture from 1944.

Well, he looked so handsome.

Yeah, well, I
think they're going

to have a little bit of
trouble trying to sew

his hand to his forehead.

I can't take this anymore.

My stomach hurts.

OK, well, you don't
have to take it anymore

because you can just
be the designated

basket case this time, OK?

OK.

I love you, Roseanne.

I love you too, weirdo.

Come on.

We got to hurry now because I
want to be back here by 3:00.

How come?

Well, because Joan
is getting in early

and I want to invite
her over to the house.

Well, jeez, Roseanne.

Don't you think
that's a little odd,

inviting Dad's other
woman over to your house?

Well, hey, like it or not,
she's been part of his life

for 22 years.

Just seems like the
thing to do now.

Well, fine.

That's-- that's-- that's great.

What, Jackie?

JACKIE: Well, if you're so
comfortable with this woman

in your house, it might
have been nice to invite

them over when Dad was alive.

Yeah, but then Dad
would've came with her.

This way, I'm pretty sure
he ain't going to show.

I'm just saying that I--

I didn't get to see my father
for the last years of his life

because of you, and now
here you are playing

hostess to his mistress.

You're not going to blame
me for you not seeing Dad.

You made him so
unwelcome here,

he never would have come visit.

Just because you hated him, then
the whole rest of the family

had to hate him too.

You are so wrong.

You are so selfish.

Oh.

Oh, I'm selfish.

Right.

Have you noticed
who's been doing all

the planning for this funeral?

Did you notice at all
that is wasn't you?

That's because you don't
care, so it was no problem

for you to handle everything.

I loved him.

Well, when did you
love him more, Jackie?

When he'd come home and
beat us with the belt

or when he didn't
come home at all?

That was a long
time ago, Roseanne.

You don't know what was
going on in his mind

the last years of his life.

You didn't even give him a
chance to say he was sorry.

Well, you love him so
much, I'll tell you what.

You go down to that funeral
home and you make the rest

of the arrangements, OK?

I'm selfish, and I don't
care, so I wash my hands

of the whole damn thing.

All right, fine.

I will make the rest
of the arrangements.

You're calling Auntie
Barbara with directions

to the cemetery,
right, Roseanne?

Roseanne!

[music playing]

DAN: Come on, Jacks.

I'm here for you.

Why do I have to
pick out a casket now

when my Dad just died?

It kind of happens
that way, Jackie.

Hello.

I'm Frank Benders.

You-- you must be Roseanne.

No, I am Jackie.

I'm Roseanne's sister.

I am going to make
the arrangements.

How was that?

Dan Connor.

Nice to meet you.

Look, we're not very good
at this sort of thing,

so could we just sit
down and get through

it as quickly as possible?

Oh, certainly.

I want to make this as
easy on you as possible.

Would you like to see the body?

Oh, God.

I think no on that one.

Thank you very much.

I understand.

He called Dad "the body."

Jackie, you want
me to do this?

No.

I-- I said I was going
to make the arrangements,

so let's start arranging.

All right.

Well, first off, we should
probably pick out the casket.

They're all nice.

Very nice.

I like the white one.

That is a lovely choice.

Roseanne would
never pick white.

She says it gets dirty too fast.

I don't think that really
applies here, Jackie.

She'd want the black.

I'll take the white.

White it is.

JACKIE: And I would like one
of those satin pillows too.

She'd hate that.

Maybe we should ask
what this costs, Jackie.

Well, since your
mother and father

already bought their
adjoining plots,

it shouldn't be that expensive.

How much is not expensive?

Well, let's see.

The White Rose--

Oh, the White Rose.

$3,000.

I guess that's a lot.

That's a lot, isn't it, Dan?

Yes, that is a lot.

Maybe I should
look at some other.

Oh, of course, but you
should realize that they

are of lesser quality.

So what you're saying is
that if she really loved him,

she'd get the White Rose.

And if she doesn't,
she'd get something

with a twist tie and the
word "Hefty" on the side.

No.

No.

No.

I'm sorry.

If cost is a consideration,
I'm sure that we

can find something that you
can be comfortable with.

JACKIE: Before we
go on, I just want

you to know that I'm feeling
very irrational right now.

I'm likely to buy
anything that you show me.

And I'm also very
likely to take out a gun

and blow your head
off if I think

you're taking
advantage of me, so I

would play me very carefully.

That girl.

[music playing]

Roseanne?

Hi, Joan.

I'm glad you could come down.

Well, thanks
for asking me out.

I understand about not
coming to the house.

Yeah, well, it looks
pretty much like this place.

Let me order a
beer or something.

Could I get you a second?

Well, you could if you would
have gotten here an hour ago.

I'll have what she's having.

My pleasure.

Wow, this is so weird,
sitting here drinking a beer

with my dead father's mistress.

It's funny.

I'm not a mistress
in Kansas City.

I'm only a mistress in Lanford.

Oh, no, no, no.

In Lanford, you're
something else.

Really?

I don't think you asked
me here to insult me.

No, I didn't.

I'm sorry.

Uh, listen, what I
did I ask you here

for is because I want to ask
you some stuff about my dad,

you know?

You're kind of the only person
that's really been with him

for the last couple of years.

I just wanted to know if there's
any time where he said anything

about any mistakes
he might've made

or, uh, any regrets
maybe that he had?

Yeah.

He really regretted what
happened between him

and you girls.

Oh, he really said that?

Come on, Roseanne.

You must have known
how unhappy he was.

I just thought he
didn't give a damn.

Didn't give a damn?

He prided himself on what
a devoted father he was.

You've got to be kidding me.

He always said you girls never
appreciated what he did for you

because he spoiled you so much.

Well, if he meant
spoiled as in wreck--

Roseanne, I know you're
upset with your father

for having an affair.

You think this is
about the affair?

You don't know nothing.

You don't know nothing
about my childhood.

I could tell you
stuff about my dad

that you couldn't even handle.

Look, we shouldn't
be doing this.

In spite of everything, your dad
did die knowing you loved him.

I got to go.

[music playing]

Hello.

I guess I'm a little early.

I'm Beverly Harris.

I know.

You must be Joan.

Yes.

We finally meet.

What a shame we don't have
some sort of flavored coffee

to celebrate this
moment in our life.

I understand how
you feel about me.

Do you?

Well, I think I'd
better go inside.

BEVERLY: Not yet.

I've waited a long
time for this moment,

and you will not rob me of it.

All right.
Go ahead.

I think you should be shot.

I long for the
days when we could

brand someone like you
with a scarlet letter,

leaving you a lonely,
miserable outcast.

And if you ever contract an
incurable and very painful

disease, I will not
be able to stop myself

from dancing a jig of glee.

Now, that being
said, I would like

to sell you my burial plot.

Are you serious?

You love him so much, you
spend eternity next to the man.

- Mom.
- Hello, dear.

We're chatting.
Go away.

Mom, do I have to
remind you we can

only afford one coffin today?

If I could just
have one moment.

Before we close the
casket, I'm going to need

someone to identify the body.
- I'll do it.

OK, I think that's fair
because I got to pick

the pillow and everything.

Rosie, you want
me to go in there?

No, I'm going to do it.

Right this way, Mrs. Connor.

Just a quick look, and
then I'll close it.

Fine.

That's all I need.

Can I have a minute
in here by myself?

Of course.
Take your time.

Uh, Dad, I'm real sorry
that you died before I

got to tell you some stuff.

OK.

I'm angry at you for
lying to me my whole life.

I'm angry that I didn't ever
know who you really were.

I'm mad that when I was
a kid, you ignored me,

and when you did give
me any attention,

it was usually violent.

I'm mad that you left us
alone with a crazy mother.

I'm mad that because of you
I grew up distrustful of men,

and I couldn't even trust my
own husband for the first five

years we were married.

I'm mad at you because you did
all the same stuff to Jackie

and because you made us feel
like we were never good enough.

But now, I just need it to end.

So Dad, I'm forgiving
you just because I need

to move on with my
life, and I forgive

myself for being so damn angry.

[music playing]

Thank you for your humor.

I love you.

Goodbye.

[music playing]

What do you want to do now?

Mm, just sit out
here for a while.

Wanna eat another casserole?

Nope.

It's kind of cool
sitting out here anyway,

you know, looking at the stars,
listening to all the quiet.

You know, it gives you
time to think about stuff.

Wanna watch TV?

God, yes.

What's on?

9:30.

Oh, hey, it's time
for my favorite show!

What?

You know, that guy, that,
uh, Shecky Thomas guy?