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1
00:00:04,734 --> 00:00:07,667
See? I told you that amnio
wouldn't be that bad.
2
00:00:07,734 --> 00:00:10,334
Yeah. They stick
a needle in my stomach,
3
00:00:10,400 --> 00:00:12,267
and they suck out
a bunch of goo.
4
00:00:12,334 --> 00:00:13,701
I want to come back
tomorrow
5
00:00:13,767 --> 00:00:16,100
and see if they can
do that for my butt.
6
00:00:18,133 --> 00:00:20,000
Well, what do you
think it's gonna be,
7
00:00:20,067 --> 00:00:21,701
a boy or a girl?
8
00:00:21,767 --> 00:00:24,133
Well, boy or girl
really isn't the question
9
00:00:24,200 --> 00:00:26,534
so much as good or evil.
10
00:00:27,934 --> 00:00:30,033
Now come on, they're having
a big Thanksgiving sale
11
00:00:30,100 --> 00:00:32,901
down at Buy 'N' Bag,
and I got to get a turkey for next week.
12
00:00:32,968 --> 00:00:34,400
Get an organic one
this year,
13
00:00:34,467 --> 00:00:35,734
because those
regular ones,
14
00:00:35,801 --> 00:00:37,667
they're pumped up
with chemicals and growth hormones.
15
00:00:37,734 --> 00:00:42,033
Yeah, but D.J.'s favorite
part's the third leg.
16
00:00:42,100 --> 00:00:44,801
Excuse me. You might want
to use the back door
17
00:00:44,868 --> 00:00:47,000
to avoid those
abortion protestors.
18
00:00:47,067 --> 00:00:48,801
They won't hassle us;
we'll just tell 'em
19
00:00:48,868 --> 00:00:50,267
we're with
the pre-natal care.
20
00:00:50,334 --> 00:00:52,267
It doesn't matter.
They won't believe you.
21
00:00:52,334 --> 00:00:54,901
Well, what right do they
have to hassle anybody?
22
00:00:54,968 --> 00:00:57,100
Well, these things
can get violent.
23
00:00:58,567 --> 00:00:59,934
Roseanne,
let's go out the back.
24
00:01:00,000 --> 00:01:03,133
No way. I'm kickin' ass
for two now.
25
00:01:07,267 --> 00:01:12,334
Heigh-ho, heigh-ho,
life begins when we say so!
26
00:01:14,300 --> 00:01:15,701
Are you with us?
27
00:01:15,767 --> 00:01:18,400
Oh, yeah. I'm from
the central office.
28
00:01:18,467 --> 00:01:20,000
Uh, my name is Enid,
29
00:01:20,067 --> 00:01:22,100
and this is, uh, Jackie.
30
00:01:24,767 --> 00:01:26,434
No, no, now, Enid, no.
31
00:01:26,501 --> 00:01:28,133
You can tell them
my real name.
32
00:01:28,200 --> 00:01:30,467
I'm Roseanne.
33
00:01:31,601 --> 00:01:32,868
Well, I can see
34
00:01:32,934 --> 00:01:34,968
why you're so committed
to this cause.
35
00:01:35,033 --> 00:01:36,734
You look like a fetus.
36
00:01:40,000 --> 00:01:41,267
I think I remember you.
37
00:01:41,334 --> 00:01:42,968
Weren't you at that
action in Wichita?
38
00:01:43,033 --> 00:01:44,801
Well, I wanted
to be there,
39
00:01:44,868 --> 00:01:49,133
but I got stuck
setting myself on fire up in Omaha.
40
00:01:49,200 --> 00:01:52,367
So what did you find out
about this place?
41
00:01:52,434 --> 00:01:53,801
Well, we did
a total sweep,
42
00:01:58,467 --> 00:02:01,100
with your
"Save the Children" sign.
43
00:02:01,167 --> 00:02:04,801
But we were told
they were performing abortions here.
44
00:02:04,868 --> 00:02:07,334
Well, see, we've been
getting a lot of bad information lately.
45
00:02:07,400 --> 00:02:09,400
I don't know.
I think we got a mole.
46
00:02:09,467 --> 00:02:11,467
I don't want to point
any fingers, but, uh,
47
00:02:11,534 --> 00:02:13,968
Roseanne, there, is new.
48
00:02:15,701 --> 00:02:17,133
So what'll we do?
49
00:02:17,200 --> 00:02:19,634
Oh, don't worry; I got
everything under control.
50
00:02:19,701 --> 00:02:24,000
Uh, I'm giving you
the address of a clinic
51
00:02:24,067 --> 00:02:26,434
that is very active today.
52
00:02:29,367 --> 00:02:30,868
All right,
let's go, let's go.
53
00:02:30,934 --> 00:02:33,701
And afterwards, we got a big
pro-capital punishment rally
54
00:02:33,767 --> 00:02:35,434
we can go to.
55
00:02:35,501 --> 00:02:36,701
Thanks, Enid.
56
00:02:36,767 --> 00:02:39,667
All right, everybody,
follow me!
57
00:02:43,400 --> 00:02:45,701
Roseanne, you may not
agree with them,
58
00:02:45,767 --> 00:02:48,334
but how can you send 'em
on a wild goose chase?
59
00:02:48,400 --> 00:02:50,868
I didn't.
I sent 'em to Mom's.
60
00:03:37,901 --> 00:03:39,834
[laughing]
61
00:03:47,234 --> 00:03:48,434
Hey.
62
00:03:48,501 --> 00:03:50,033
Will you sew these up
for me?
63
00:03:50,100 --> 00:03:51,868
Sure. Can you give me
the needle and thread?
64
00:03:51,934 --> 00:03:55,000
What am I, your slave?
65
00:03:55,067 --> 00:03:57,200
This is, like,
the third pair of pants
66
00:03:57,267 --> 00:03:58,300
I've sewn up for you.
67
00:03:58,367 --> 00:04:00,067
What do you ever
do for me?
68
00:04:00,133 --> 00:04:03,567
Well, I don't tell people
you can sew, Betty Ross.
69
00:04:03,634 --> 00:04:05,934
Staircase pattern
on 2. Hut-hut.
70
00:04:06,000 --> 00:04:07,801
They're trying
to double-team Conner on this one.
71
00:04:07,868 --> 00:04:09,167
He blows
past the first guy,
72
00:04:09,234 --> 00:04:10,334
fakes towards
the staircase.
73
00:04:10,400 --> 00:04:12,901
The crowd goes crazy!
74
00:04:16,267 --> 00:04:17,801
Study these moves, boys,
75
00:04:17,868 --> 00:04:19,968
for you shall be
performing same tomorrow.
76
00:04:20,033 --> 00:04:21,200
What are you
talking about?
77
00:04:21,267 --> 00:04:23,267
It's the annual
Thanksgiving Day football game.
78
00:04:23,334 --> 00:04:24,868
We need a couple
of fearless he-men
79
00:04:24,934 --> 00:04:27,167
to replace
the guys whose wives won't let 'em play.
80
00:04:28,767 --> 00:04:30,734
Cool, we'll be there.
Yeah, cool.
81
00:04:30,801 --> 00:04:32,167
[Fred]
All right. Let's go, Dan.
82
00:04:32,234 --> 00:04:35,601
Mark, when I look at you,
I see speed.
83
00:04:35,667 --> 00:04:37,567
David, when I look at you,
84
00:04:37,634 --> 00:04:40,367
I know we won't leave
any equipment on the field.
85
00:04:42,534 --> 00:04:44,934
That's great.
I haven't played football in a long time.
86
00:04:45,000 --> 00:04:46,100
Yeah. Me, neither.
87
00:04:46,167 --> 00:04:47,634
I just hope
I don't get stuck
88
00:04:47,701 --> 00:04:48,968
being the guy
with his hands
89
00:04:49,033 --> 00:04:50,067
on some other guy's
butt.
90
00:04:50,133 --> 00:04:51,634
What position
do you want to play?
91
00:04:51,701 --> 00:04:52,934
Well, I don't know.
92
00:04:53,000 --> 00:04:55,200
Like the guy who does
the main scoring thing.
93
00:04:55,267 --> 00:04:59,067
You know, like the lineback
flanking guy, yeah.
94
00:05:00,300 --> 00:05:01,234
The what?
95
00:05:02,400 --> 00:05:03,868
Leave me alone.
96
00:05:03,934 --> 00:05:05,033
Wait a minute.
97
00:05:06,467 --> 00:05:08,701
You don't know anything
about football, do you?
98
00:05:08,767 --> 00:05:11,567
When I was in high school,
I had better things to do
99
00:05:11,634 --> 00:05:13,000
than chase
a stupid ball around.
100
00:05:13,067 --> 00:05:14,634
Like what?
101
00:05:14,701 --> 00:05:17,234
Like beating up artsy
femme boys like you.
102
00:05:18,434 --> 00:05:20,667
At least I know
how to play football.
103
00:05:20,734 --> 00:05:23,267
You know, I always
had this theory about football players.
104
00:05:23,334 --> 00:05:24,701
Touching each other
on the butt,
105
00:05:24,767 --> 00:05:26,434
sticking their butts
up in the air,
106
00:05:26,501 --> 00:05:27,734
and wearing
really tight pants
107
00:05:27,801 --> 00:05:29,167
to show off
their butts.
108
00:05:29,234 --> 00:05:31,467
What are you saying,
Mark?
109
00:05:31,534 --> 00:05:34,834
That they're
really into butts.
110
00:05:34,901 --> 00:05:37,434
And I don't want
anyone checking me out back there.
111
00:05:37,501 --> 00:05:38,701
Why not?
112
00:05:38,767 --> 00:05:40,100
Cut it out.
113
00:05:41,200 --> 00:05:42,334
All right, Mark.
114
00:05:42,400 --> 00:05:44,267
I was gonna offer
to help you out,
115
00:05:44,334 --> 00:05:45,634
but if you don't mind
being embarrassed
116
00:05:45,701 --> 00:05:46,734
in front of your
father-in-law, hey.
117
00:05:49,267 --> 00:05:51,801
All right.
Look, I'm sorry, man.
118
00:05:51,868 --> 00:05:53,534
Would you mind
teaching me?
119
00:05:53,601 --> 00:05:56,100
Of course not.
You're my brother.
120
00:05:56,167 --> 00:06:00,167
Now, both teams get
several chances to score.
121
00:06:00,234 --> 00:06:01,567
These are called downs.
122
00:06:01,634 --> 00:06:02,667
On first down--
123
00:06:02,734 --> 00:06:04,234
Well, wait.
How many are there?
124
00:06:04,300 --> 00:06:05,834
I can't believe
you haven't picked up
125
00:06:05,901 --> 00:06:07,567
any of this
in the last 20 years.
126
00:06:07,634 --> 00:06:09,734
I can't believe you haven't
picked up any sailors
127
00:06:09,801 --> 00:06:12,000
in the past 20 minutes.
128
00:06:13,501 --> 00:06:15,534
Okay, fine.
129
00:06:15,601 --> 00:06:18,834
To answer your question,
there are seven downs.
130
00:06:20,501 --> 00:06:23,968
I thought there was
always four or five.
131
00:06:24,067 --> 00:06:25,234
Oh, Mark, no.
132
00:06:25,300 --> 00:06:27,567
Now, if you catch the ball
on the fourth down,
133
00:06:27,634 --> 00:06:28,734
you cannot run with it.
134
00:06:28,801 --> 00:06:30,601
You have to stop
right where you are
135
00:06:30,667 --> 00:06:32,434
and throw the ball
down on the ground.
136
00:06:32,501 --> 00:06:33,634
That's called a spike.
137
00:06:33,701 --> 00:06:35,133
Yeah, hey, spike.
I've seen that.
138
00:06:35,200 --> 00:06:37,334
That's when you do
the dance thing, too, right?
139
00:06:37,400 --> 00:06:38,767
You got to do the dance.
140
00:06:38,834 --> 00:06:41,400
Once you spike the ball down
in the middle of the field,
141
00:06:41,467 --> 00:06:43,334
believe me, everyone's
gonna be looking at you.
142
00:06:52,200 --> 00:06:53,901
Well? Is it a boy?
143
00:06:53,968 --> 00:06:56,067
No, it's a girl,
and her name is Darlene,
144
00:06:56,133 --> 00:06:58,734
and she's not coming
home for Thanksgiving.
145
00:07:00,234 --> 00:07:03,067
Great. More hummus
and tabouli for me.
146
00:07:03,133 --> 00:07:04,868
Did you call the clinic?
147
00:07:04,934 --> 00:07:08,634
No. I was thinking
maybe we're not supposed to know the sex.
148
00:07:08,701 --> 00:07:11,200
Maybe we should do
what we did with D.J.:
149
00:07:11,267 --> 00:07:14,300
wait till he's 10
and then let him decide.
150
00:07:14,367 --> 00:07:16,901
No, I want to know.
151
00:07:16,968 --> 00:07:19,067
I want to tell
everybody at dinner.
152
00:07:19,133 --> 00:07:21,234
Maybe your mom
will get so excited, she'll choke.
153
00:07:21,300 --> 00:07:24,734
Oh, okay.
Let's find out.
154
00:07:24,801 --> 00:07:26,400
At least this way,
it'll keep you
155
00:07:26,467 --> 00:07:28,701
from trying to peek at it
while I'm asleep.
156
00:07:31,100 --> 00:07:33,200
Over the river
and through the woods
157
00:07:33,267 --> 00:07:36,234
From Grandmother's
house I come
158
00:07:36,300 --> 00:07:40,534
Look what just crawled out
from under Plymouth Rock.
159
00:07:42,467 --> 00:07:45,868
Your Nana Mary
just came in,
160
00:07:45,934 --> 00:07:48,000
and she's brought
a special guest.
161
00:07:48,067 --> 00:07:50,501
It's her new husband.
162
00:07:50,567 --> 00:07:54,133
This may turn out
to be the worst holiday ever.
163
00:07:54,200 --> 00:07:56,234
She got married?
164
00:07:56,300 --> 00:07:59,501
Yes! Your Nana Mary
has finally found the man
165
00:07:59,567 --> 00:08:01,968
she wishes to spend
the rest of her life with.
166
00:08:02,033 --> 00:08:03,400
Well, that's a big step.
167
00:08:03,467 --> 00:08:04,734
I mean, at her age,
168
00:08:04,801 --> 00:08:07,367
that's at least
a three-year commitment.
169
00:08:07,434 --> 00:08:10,334
Happy Thanksgiving,
everybody!
170
00:08:10,400 --> 00:08:12,467
Hey, anybody want
to baste this old bird
171
00:08:12,534 --> 00:08:15,234
with any booze
you got around handy?
172
00:08:15,300 --> 00:08:19,167
So, uh...
who's the looker?
173
00:08:19,234 --> 00:08:22,234
This is Joe.
That's all she'd tell me.
174
00:08:22,300 --> 00:08:23,667
Just Joe.
175
00:08:23,734 --> 00:08:25,501
Hey, Joe,
what do you know?
176
00:08:26,868 --> 00:08:29,801
No, he doesn't hear
very well, Rosie,
177
00:08:29,868 --> 00:08:31,234
but that's
the price you pay
178
00:08:31,300 --> 00:08:34,334
for defending
your country against the Kaiser.
179
00:08:37,067 --> 00:08:41,501
So...uh...
does he do anything?
180
00:08:41,567 --> 00:08:45,367
Well, what he's gonna do
right now is take a leak.
181
00:08:46,501 --> 00:08:48,767
It was a very long,
long trip. Thank you.
182
00:08:48,834 --> 00:08:52,133
Yes, it's another
Norman Rockwell Thanksgiving
183
00:08:52,200 --> 00:08:53,767
at your house,
Roseanne!
184
00:08:53,834 --> 00:08:55,634
It's right down the hall!
185
00:08:55,701 --> 00:08:58,734
Zoom! Look at him go!
186
00:08:58,801 --> 00:09:01,033
Come sit down with me,
Nana Mary.
187
00:09:01,100 --> 00:09:04,601
Or should I just
call you Mrs. Joe?
188
00:09:04,667 --> 00:09:06,267
Hey, Roseanne,
isn't there a phone call
189
00:09:06,334 --> 00:09:08,434
you wanted to make
before it gets too late?
190
00:09:08,501 --> 00:09:10,834
Oh, yeah. You know,
the holidays are the busiest time
191
00:09:10,901 --> 00:09:13,634
for us phone sex gals.
192
00:09:13,701 --> 00:09:15,601
Well, Mary,
you look great.
193
00:09:15,667 --> 00:09:17,734
Marriage
must really agree with you, kiddo.
194
00:09:17,801 --> 00:09:20,801
Thank you, Dan.
My complexion cleared up
195
00:09:20,868 --> 00:09:23,067
as soon as Joey and I
started doing it.
196
00:09:23,133 --> 00:09:24,868
Oh, Mother!
197
00:09:24,934 --> 00:09:26,634
Shut up, Beverly.
198
00:09:26,701 --> 00:09:29,334
I was hoping that it
would bring back his hearing.
199
00:09:29,400 --> 00:09:32,934
Instead, he went
blind in one eye.
200
00:09:33,000 --> 00:09:35,767
That'll happen.
Excuse me, ladies.
201
00:09:38,400 --> 00:09:40,934
So should I get it
a pink or blue football helmet?
202
00:09:41,000 --> 00:09:42,434
Just a minute.
She's checking.
203
00:09:43,701 --> 00:09:45,434
Yeah. Hi. Okay.
204
00:09:45,501 --> 00:09:47,367
So what kind of kid
have we got?
205
00:09:47,434 --> 00:09:49,133
Does it have indoor
or outdoor plumbing?
206
00:09:49,200 --> 00:09:51,067
Uh, Mrs. Conner,
I'm afraid I'm not allowed
207
00:09:51,133 --> 00:09:53,334
to give you
that information.
208
00:09:53,400 --> 00:09:55,834
Well, why not? You just
were gonna a minute ago.
209
00:09:55,901 --> 00:09:57,434
Well, I know.
It's just...
210
00:09:57,501 --> 00:09:59,367
I'm not allowed to give out
any information
211
00:09:59,434 --> 00:10:01,234
in situations like this.
212
00:10:02,901 --> 00:10:05,734
What are you talking about
"situations like this"?
213
00:10:05,801 --> 00:10:07,567
You'll have to speakto the doctor.
214
00:10:07,634 --> 00:10:09,734
No, you just tell me.
Is something wrong?
215
00:10:09,801 --> 00:10:10,968
What's wrong
with the baby?
216
00:10:11,033 --> 00:10:12,701
You'll really have
to ask the doctor.
217
00:10:12,767 --> 00:10:14,133
Well, put him
on the phone.
218
00:10:14,200 --> 00:10:15,701
I can't. He left
for the holiday,
219
00:10:15,767 --> 00:10:16,868
but I'll page him.
220
00:10:16,934 --> 00:10:18,934
I'm sure he'll call you
as soon as he can.
221
00:10:19,000 --> 00:10:21,234
Tell him he'd better
get back to me quick,
222
00:10:21,300 --> 00:10:22,901
and remind him
that I'm the one
223
00:10:22,968 --> 00:10:24,567
that yelled
into his stethoscope.
224
00:10:28,467 --> 00:10:29,968
What is it?
225
00:10:30,033 --> 00:10:32,601
I have to wait
for the doctor to call.
226
00:10:36,133 --> 00:10:37,767
It's probably nothing.
227
00:10:37,834 --> 00:10:39,934
Yeah, right.
That's why the nurse wouldn't say anything.
228
00:10:40,000 --> 00:10:42,434
The nurse probably
doesn't even know what she's talking about.
229
00:10:42,501 --> 00:10:44,400
What if she does, Dan?
What then?
230
00:10:45,934 --> 00:10:47,334
Well...
231
00:10:47,400 --> 00:10:50,033
then we'll do what we always
said we were gonna do:
232
00:10:50,100 --> 00:10:51,567
we'll just try again.
233
00:10:53,000 --> 00:10:55,234
Dan, evidently,
234
00:10:55,300 --> 00:10:57,167
Mother's new husband
needs your help
235
00:10:57,234 --> 00:10:58,634
getting off the toilet.
236
00:11:01,701 --> 00:11:05,667
I don't know how Christmas
is going to top this.
237
00:11:15,300 --> 00:11:16,901
I love Thanksgiving!
238
00:11:16,968 --> 00:11:19,167
The whole family
pitching in on the meal
239
00:11:19,234 --> 00:11:21,267
and pretending Mother hasn't
made a horrible mistake
240
00:11:21,334 --> 00:11:22,567
with her life!
241
00:11:22,634 --> 00:11:25,501
Mom, come on.
Joe's been a big help.
242
00:11:25,567 --> 00:11:28,100
He snapped three beans.
243
00:11:30,000 --> 00:11:31,267
Why...
244
00:11:32,901 --> 00:11:34,601
Why him, Mother?
245
00:11:34,667 --> 00:11:38,801
Why is this old man
my daddy?
246
00:11:40,067 --> 00:11:42,801
Hey.
How'd the game go?
247
00:11:42,868 --> 00:11:45,667
I don't know.
Why don't you ask Spike?
248
00:11:47,601 --> 00:11:49,067
I'm really sorry, Dan.
249
00:11:49,133 --> 00:11:50,868
That's okay.
250
00:11:50,934 --> 00:11:52,367
Nothing's going right
this Thanksgiving.
251
00:11:52,434 --> 00:11:54,467
It wasn't so bad
you threw the ball down
252
00:11:54,534 --> 00:11:56,267
on the 30 yard line
like that,
253
00:11:56,334 --> 00:12:00,501
but what did you
do that dance for?
254
00:12:00,567 --> 00:12:02,834
It was fourth down,
hotshot.
255
00:12:03,934 --> 00:12:05,100
Sorry you lost.
256
00:12:05,167 --> 00:12:07,200
No, it was great.
257
00:12:07,267 --> 00:12:09,033
Hey, honey.
258
00:12:10,234 --> 00:12:11,367
Did you get a call?
259
00:12:11,434 --> 00:12:13,033
You didn't talk to anybody
about this, did you?
260
00:12:13,100 --> 00:12:14,367
No.
261
00:12:14,434 --> 00:12:17,234
Good. I don't want anybody
making a big deal out of this.
262
00:12:17,300 --> 00:12:18,901
Just try not
to think about it.
263
00:12:18,968 --> 00:12:21,234
Yeah, it would be silly
to worry about that
264
00:12:21,300 --> 00:12:24,067
when the Bears are having
such a bad season.
265
00:12:26,634 --> 00:12:27,968
Here.
266
00:12:28,033 --> 00:12:30,200
Oh, I don't need
a sweater, Roseanne.
267
00:12:30,267 --> 00:12:32,767
I've brought my own
special schnapps.
268
00:12:32,834 --> 00:12:34,467
Want a bite?
269
00:12:34,534 --> 00:12:37,033
She can't, Nana Mary.
She's pregnant.
270
00:12:37,100 --> 00:12:38,934
Oh, come on.
My goodness.
271
00:12:39,000 --> 00:12:42,167
It's not as if the fetus
had to drive somewhere.
272
00:12:44,167 --> 00:12:46,767
I'll do that.
273
00:12:46,834 --> 00:12:49,501
Hey, so? Did you
call the clinic?
274
00:12:49,567 --> 00:12:52,968
Uh...yeah, but I
couldn't get through.
275
00:12:53,033 --> 00:12:54,300
Why not?
276
00:12:54,367 --> 00:12:55,434
Well, you know,
277
00:12:55,501 --> 00:12:58,734
all those pregnant teenagers
just hog the phone.
278
00:12:58,801 --> 00:13:00,300
Roseanne!
279
00:13:00,367 --> 00:13:03,734
I heard what you did
about those abortion protestors.
280
00:13:03,801 --> 00:13:05,334
I'm proud of you, baby.
281
00:13:05,400 --> 00:13:08,701
Oh, yes, Roseanne.
You're quite the revolutionary.
282
00:13:08,767 --> 00:13:11,267
I'm surprised you're not
down in some coffee shop
283
00:13:11,334 --> 00:13:13,534
hitting bongos.
284
00:13:13,601 --> 00:13:15,601
I'm proud of you, too, Mom.
285
00:13:15,667 --> 00:13:17,534
I can't believe abortion
used to be illegal.
286
00:13:17,601 --> 00:13:19,467
What if I was
one of those girls
287
00:13:19,534 --> 00:13:20,901
that got pregnant
in high school?
288
00:13:20,968 --> 00:13:22,567
You might have had
to drop out
289
00:13:22,634 --> 00:13:23,734
and marry some loser.
290
00:13:23,801 --> 00:13:25,901
Can we please talk
about something else?
291
00:13:25,968 --> 00:13:29,801
You know,
I had two abortions
292
00:13:29,868 --> 00:13:31,267
when I was young.
293
00:13:31,334 --> 00:13:33,634
Mother, you what?
294
00:13:33,701 --> 00:13:34,801
Yeah.
295
00:13:34,868 --> 00:13:37,467
You heard her.
I heard her.
296
00:13:37,534 --> 00:13:39,334
Everybody
heard her,
297
00:13:39,400 --> 00:13:41,000
except Joe.
298
00:13:45,100 --> 00:13:48,267
Roseanne, come on.
This is huge!
299
00:13:48,334 --> 00:13:50,367
You had two abortions,
Nana Mary?
300
00:13:50,434 --> 00:13:51,834
That must have
been so hard.
301
00:13:51,901 --> 00:13:53,868
Well, it was pretty tough
in those days.
302
00:13:53,934 --> 00:13:56,000
The laws were very strict.
303
00:13:56,067 --> 00:13:58,033
I had to go to some
terrible place
304
00:13:58,100 --> 00:14:00,434
way on the south side
of Chicago.
305
00:14:00,501 --> 00:14:01,567
That was the first time.
306
00:14:01,634 --> 00:14:05,467
So the second time,
I went to Mexico.
307
00:14:05,534 --> 00:14:08,734
Or was that to get wool?
308
00:14:11,334 --> 00:14:13,701
I think it's
an abomination.
309
00:14:13,767 --> 00:14:16,100
If you're willing to lie
on your back and have sex,
310
00:14:16,167 --> 00:14:18,767
you should be willing
to face the consequences.
311
00:14:18,834 --> 00:14:21,367
Who said I was
on my back?
312
00:14:28,167 --> 00:14:30,701
Gee, I wonder who told
the abortion stories
313
00:14:30,767 --> 00:14:33,801
at the very first
Thanksgiving.
314
00:14:33,868 --> 00:14:37,167
Now, what if I decided
to have an abortion
315
00:14:37,234 --> 00:14:39,067
with you, Roseanne?
316
00:14:39,133 --> 00:14:40,734
Or with your sister?
317
00:14:40,801 --> 00:14:43,100
What would have
happened then?
318
00:14:44,501 --> 00:14:46,200
Would you like me
to tell you, Mom?
319
00:14:46,267 --> 00:14:48,167
Maybe you wouldn't have
had to marry some guy
320
00:14:48,234 --> 00:14:49,634
you didn't love
and you would've had
321
00:14:49,701 --> 00:14:51,100
a happy and fulfilling life.
322
00:14:51,167 --> 00:14:53,400
Wouldn't that be
an abomination?
323
00:14:53,467 --> 00:14:55,567
Yes, it would, Roseanne,
because I know
324
00:14:55,634 --> 00:14:57,367
the difference between
right and wrong.
325
00:14:57,434 --> 00:14:59,300
And abortion is wrong.
326
00:14:59,367 --> 00:15:03,734
Well, thank you
for giving us all the truth, Mother.
327
00:15:03,801 --> 00:15:05,834
I've always wondered what
that red thong was doing
328
00:15:05,901 --> 00:15:08,934
in your apartment
with the word "God" on it.
329
00:15:09,000 --> 00:15:10,067
That's right...
330
00:15:10,133 --> 00:15:12,367
I went to Mexico
for the wool
331
00:15:12,434 --> 00:15:15,234
and to Canada
for the abortion.
332
00:15:15,300 --> 00:15:18,200
I used to love to travel.
333
00:15:20,801 --> 00:15:22,067
Roseanne, what is it?
334
00:15:22,133 --> 00:15:26,467
This nurse down
at the clinic
335
00:15:26,534 --> 00:15:29,801
said there might be
something wrong with the baby.
336
00:15:29,868 --> 00:15:32,000
Oh, my God, what?
337
00:15:32,067 --> 00:15:33,634
I don't know.
338
00:15:33,701 --> 00:15:35,634
Oh, Roseanne,
I am so sorry.
339
00:15:35,701 --> 00:15:37,334
When are you
gonna find out?
340
00:15:37,400 --> 00:15:39,834
We're just sitting here
waiting for the doctor to call.
341
00:15:39,901 --> 00:15:42,434
He hasn't called you back yet
at a time like this?
342
00:15:42,501 --> 00:15:44,534
How can the man
be so insensitive?
343
00:15:44,601 --> 00:15:49,334
Well, I'm guessing
he's never been pregnant.
344
00:15:49,400 --> 00:15:51,767
You and Dan must be
scared to death.
345
00:15:51,834 --> 00:15:54,467
Well, actually, Dan
isn't allowing himself
346
00:15:54,534 --> 00:15:56,968
to feel anything
until we know for sure.
347
00:15:57,033 --> 00:16:01,667
Well, it is lucky
that you're so early
348
00:16:01,734 --> 00:16:02,901
in the pregnancy.
349
00:16:02,968 --> 00:16:06,167
Yeah, it's not
that early, Jackie.
350
00:16:06,234 --> 00:16:07,801
I heard the heart beat.
351
00:16:10,501 --> 00:16:12,033
You know, I always
thought that I could
352
00:16:12,100 --> 00:16:15,100
have an abortion,
but now, I just--
353
00:16:15,167 --> 00:16:16,667
I don't think I can.
354
00:16:16,734 --> 00:16:19,534
Part of me would
always wonder
355
00:16:19,601 --> 00:16:22,300
what the kid was gonna
turn out to be.
356
00:16:22,367 --> 00:16:24,067
Oh, Roseanne...
357
00:16:24,133 --> 00:16:27,934
I can't believe that Nana Mary
went through this twice.
358
00:16:28,000 --> 00:16:31,934
Well, at least we're
better off than she was.
359
00:16:32,000 --> 00:16:33,400
At least we have a choice.
360
00:16:33,467 --> 00:16:36,100
Oh, yeah, we're so lucky.
361
00:16:36,167 --> 00:16:39,000
We get to choose.
362
00:16:40,701 --> 00:16:41,767
I was gonna
take a shower,
363
00:16:41,834 --> 00:16:43,067
but I guess
I can go upstairs.
364
00:16:43,133 --> 00:16:44,667
Um, Dan, I think
we should talk.
365
00:16:47,000 --> 00:16:51,334
I was thinking,
and even if something
366
00:16:51,400 --> 00:16:54,234
turns out to be wrong,
I'm just not sure
367
00:16:54,300 --> 00:16:55,934
what I want to do.
368
00:16:58,334 --> 00:17:01,267
Jackie, could you
leave us alone for a minute?
369
00:17:06,767 --> 00:17:09,067
Look, I thought we decided
that if there was, you know,
370
00:17:09,133 --> 00:17:12,234
a serious problem,
that we would deal with it.
371
00:17:12,300 --> 00:17:15,133
I mean, we talked
about this.
372
00:17:15,200 --> 00:17:17,634
Yeah, but everything's
different now.
373
00:17:17,701 --> 00:17:19,734
Why?
374
00:17:19,801 --> 00:17:22,334
Because I'm pregnant.
375
00:17:24,067 --> 00:17:26,734
So are you saying
you wanna have this baby no matter what?
376
00:17:26,801 --> 00:17:28,601
No, I'm--I'm just
saying that
377
00:17:28,667 --> 00:17:32,234
this is a much more
complicated decision
378
00:17:32,300 --> 00:17:33,734
than I ever thought
it would be.
379
00:17:33,801 --> 00:17:36,434
Well, I refuse
to deal with this now.
380
00:17:36,501 --> 00:17:39,667
I mean, if this is real,
you'll probably feel differently.
381
00:17:39,734 --> 00:17:42,167
Don't tell me
how I'm gonna feel.
382
00:17:42,234 --> 00:17:43,868
I'm not telling you
how you're gonna feel.
383
00:17:43,934 --> 00:17:46,200
I'm just saying when
the time comes for you to make a decision,
384
00:17:46,267 --> 00:17:47,300
you're not gonna
make it alone.
385
00:17:47,367 --> 00:17:48,734
Why, are you gonna
make it for me?
386
00:17:48,801 --> 00:17:50,000
No, I'm gonna
make it with you.
387
00:17:50,067 --> 00:17:52,100
I mean, after all,
this is half my kid.
388
00:17:52,167 --> 00:17:53,567
Yeah, but it's
in my body.
389
00:17:53,634 --> 00:17:55,400
That's great, as long
as it stays in your body.
390
00:17:55,467 --> 00:17:58,234
When it comes out,
I've gotta take half the responsibility.
391
00:17:58,300 --> 00:18:00,901
Dan, telling the kids
every couple of years
392
00:18:00,968 --> 00:18:02,534
that they cannot
have a dog
393
00:18:02,601 --> 00:18:07,501
is not taking half
the responsibility.
394
00:18:10,100 --> 00:18:13,100
So, that's all
I am around here is a sperm donor?
395
00:18:13,167 --> 00:18:15,801
No.
396
00:18:15,868 --> 00:18:19,634
You're also
sort of an ornament.
397
00:18:23,634 --> 00:18:25,300
This is ridiculous.
398
00:18:25,367 --> 00:18:26,667
We're gonna wait
for the call.
399
00:18:26,734 --> 00:18:29,434
Yeah, and what am I supposed
to do in the meantime?
400
00:18:29,501 --> 00:18:31,701
Count our blessings!
401
00:18:39,067 --> 00:18:40,100
[TV, Man]--for the touchdown!
402
00:18:40,167 --> 00:18:41,400
Yes!
403
00:18:41,467 --> 00:18:43,934
Did you see that?
The guy just spiked the ball.
404
00:18:44,000 --> 00:18:45,667
What a jerk.
405
00:18:45,734 --> 00:18:47,300
But he scored
a touchdown.
406
00:18:47,367 --> 00:18:50,000
Man, David really
got you good.
407
00:18:50,067 --> 00:18:51,634
So when you
gonna punch him?
408
00:18:51,701 --> 00:18:53,767
I don't know.
When are you gonna shut up?
409
00:18:53,834 --> 00:18:55,701
Mark, I drained
all the oil like you said.
410
00:18:55,767 --> 00:18:57,501
I still can't
get my car started.
411
00:19:00,267 --> 00:19:01,667
I'll tell you what,
after dinner,
412
00:19:01,734 --> 00:19:03,868
just keep cranking it
until it starts, then floor it.
413
00:19:03,934 --> 00:19:05,100
All right.
414
00:19:07,767 --> 00:19:09,100
Isn't that bad
for his engine?
415
00:19:09,167 --> 00:19:11,534
Yeah, it's gonna
completely wreck it.
416
00:19:11,601 --> 00:19:13,801
[Becky]Hey, everybody,dinner's ready!
417
00:19:13,868 --> 00:19:15,234
[screams]
418
00:19:15,300 --> 00:19:18,000
I forgot he was there.
419
00:19:24,367 --> 00:19:26,667
Hey, there you are,
Roseanne.
420
00:19:26,734 --> 00:19:29,300
Everything looks
great this year.
421
00:19:31,934 --> 00:19:34,000
Roseanne, Dan,
you wanna serve?
422
00:19:34,067 --> 00:19:35,801
Oh.
423
00:19:37,100 --> 00:19:38,534
I'll take this out to Joe.
424
00:19:38,601 --> 00:19:40,634
Oh, isn't he gonna
join us for dinner?
425
00:19:40,701 --> 00:19:44,801
After all, it might be
his last Thanksgiving.
426
00:19:44,868 --> 00:19:47,334
Listen, he's quite
all right just where he is.
427
00:19:47,400 --> 00:19:51,267
He's got his bell in case
he starts to choke.
428
00:19:51,334 --> 00:19:53,968
Sweetie, don't eat
too much!
429
00:19:54,033 --> 00:19:56,968
Leave room
for your medications.
430
00:19:57,033 --> 00:19:59,100
What's the matter, baby?
[baby crying]
431
00:19:59,167 --> 00:20:02,167
Perhaps he's choking
and he can't find his bell.
432
00:20:02,234 --> 00:20:05,200
Shut up, Bev.
No, you shut up!
433
00:20:05,267 --> 00:20:09,934
Everybody, shut up
and eat the dinner!
434
00:20:10,000 --> 00:20:13,400
[phone ringing]
435
00:20:13,467 --> 00:20:15,033
I'll get it.
436
00:20:17,200 --> 00:20:19,434
Hello?
437
00:20:19,501 --> 00:20:20,734
Uh, yeah, doctor.
438
00:20:22,534 --> 00:20:23,467
Excuse me.
439
00:20:23,534 --> 00:20:24,834
No.
440
00:20:26,133 --> 00:20:28,067
So now dinner's been
interrupted.
441
00:20:28,133 --> 00:20:30,601
I mean, will nothing
go right this year?
442
00:20:30,667 --> 00:20:34,300
Oh, stop bellyachin',
Beverly!
443
00:20:34,367 --> 00:20:36,200
All you do is complain.
444
00:20:36,267 --> 00:20:37,934
Try to think
of one thing
445
00:20:38,000 --> 00:20:40,801
you can be grateful for
this year.
446
00:20:40,868 --> 00:20:42,934
Yes, I am grateful...
447
00:20:43,000 --> 00:20:47,801
for such a sensitive mother
who always supports me
448
00:20:47,868 --> 00:20:51,567
and nurtures me
and never treats me
449
00:20:51,634 --> 00:20:54,467
like dirt
beneath her feet.
450
00:20:54,534 --> 00:20:57,501
There you go;
you thought of it.
451
00:20:57,567 --> 00:21:01,434
Now don't hog
all the dark meat.
452
00:21:06,000 --> 00:21:07,868
What'd he say?
453
00:21:07,934 --> 00:21:09,400
He said they don't
know anything
454
00:21:09,467 --> 00:21:12,567
and that I have
to have another amnio.
455
00:21:12,634 --> 00:21:14,100
So we gotta
keep waiting?
456
00:21:15,234 --> 00:21:16,767
Yeah.
457
00:21:16,834 --> 00:21:19,234
I don't even wanna
deal with this.
458
00:21:19,300 --> 00:21:21,033
I don't even wanna
think about it.
459
00:21:21,100 --> 00:21:23,033
[baby crying]
460
00:21:25,234 --> 00:21:29,968
He, uh--
he knew the sex,
461
00:21:30,033 --> 00:21:31,767
but I didn't
want him to tell me.
462
00:21:42,968 --> 00:21:46,834
[baby yelling]
463
00:21:56,634 --> 00:21:57,634
There.
464
00:21:57,701 --> 00:21:59,667
What do you think?
465
00:21:59,734 --> 00:22:01,467
I think you did
a great job.
466
00:22:01,534 --> 00:22:02,701
You know what?
467
00:22:02,767 --> 00:22:06,267
I think you're a chick
trapped in a wuss' body.
468
00:22:08,000 --> 00:22:09,467
Come on, Mark,
I fixed your pants.
469
00:22:09,534 --> 00:22:11,334
How 'bout giving me
a break with fixing my car?
470
00:22:11,400 --> 00:22:12,334
Well, I'll tell you what.
471
00:22:12,400 --> 00:22:13,601
I'm going out
to dinner with Becky
472
00:22:13,667 --> 00:22:16,000
and when I get back,
I'll think about it.
473
00:22:16,067 --> 00:22:19,033
You got a loose
thread here, hold on.
474
00:22:19,100 --> 00:22:20,601
[sighs]
475
00:22:20,667 --> 00:22:22,467
[fabric tearing faintly]
476
00:22:24,534 --> 00:22:26,267
You know, I am
pretty good at this.
477
00:22:26,334 --> 00:22:28,067
You're pathetic.
478
00:22:33,334 --> 00:22:36,267
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