All language subtitles for Married With Children - 0707 - The Chicago Wine Party

Hotcha!

Another penny closer to retirement.

Hey, Bundy, car broken down again?

Nobody will give you a ride, huh?

Maybe I should have called your wife.
She always gives everybody a ride.

- Hey, Jim.
- Hey, Bundy.

Did the new copy of
Girls With Big 'Uns come in yet?

Yeah, I just think I'll...

...look before I purchase if...

There you go, just...

I'll buy it tomorrow, Jim.

- Sign this petition and save the trees.
- Who cares?

Sign this petition to save the world
from nuclear holocaust.

- Who cares?
- They're gonna raise beer tax two cents.

Oh, my God!

This has to be stopped.

Let us give you a beer
and tell you about it.

Why ask why?

Oh, wait, would you like to watch
our movie, The Story of Beer?

God, would I.

Beer.

And even for people like you...

...Election Day is very important.

So I'm hoping you'll put up these
campaign signs outside your home.

That is a wonderful idea, Marcie.

This one could cover the bird doody
on the front of the house.

Oh, and this is a pretty one.

We could put this on the porch
where the plaster's coming away.

You know, where Al likes to kick it
before he comes in.

Wait a minute, Mrs. D'Arcy.

"Support toxic waste dumps"?

You'd never vote for this.

Of course not. I've given you posters
of the issues that I oppose.

Because if people think
the Bundys are for them...

...we know the whole neighborhood
will vote the other way.

We like to call it "harnessing hate."

Well, anything short of voting,
we'd be glad to help.

Peggy, you really should vote.

This year we can
really make a difference.

This is the Year of the Woman.

Everyone I know
is gonna vote for a woman...

...regardless of her qualifications
or her stance on the issues.

Right, Jefferson?

Sure.

Actually, I wouldn't mind having
a woman as president...

...especially if it was you, Marcie.

Because I'd make a great first lady.

Yep, and I'd have
a big, important issue like...

...no littering...

...or nice hair for everyone.

You know,
national hair-care centers.

God, how cool.

Well, I think I could do a lot of good
being in bed with the president.

And I really believe that
if anybody could...

...I could make them forget
about Jackie Kennedy.

And you know I don't mind
prancing it for the voters.

And then, when you get shot...

...I'd marry a rich Greek.

Of course, she'd have to
shave her legs...

...and under her arms...

...oh, and her lip.

Then she'd die, leave me a fortune
and I'd become an editor.

Well, what are you staring at?

Like you never thought about
being first lady?

Honey, shut up and look beautiful.

I'll sign that bill.

Hi, Peggy...

...Bud, Kelly, Jefferson...

...Bud.

I just found out
what's wrong with America.

And I seem to have lost
about three hours of my day.

Bought this bunch of bananas.

Kids, take those bananas upstairs...

...with the tangerines Daddy bought
the last time he got whacked.

God, I hate to see him like this.

I know. I don't like
to see him happy either.

Family, did you know that
along with an election coming up...

...there's something big going on.

They're trying to sneak by
a two-cent beer tax.

Two cents!

What really gets to me is...

...that the money they're gonna raise
is gonna go for education.

Well, I'll be damned
if I'm paying two cents...

...for some moron
to learn how to read.

I mean, where's it gonna end?

I mean, pretty soon
they'll be taxing income.

Well, Al, it's nice to see you care
about something...

...besides wondering
whose back is hairier.

Yours or your dog's.

Or whose chest is hairier.

Mine or yours.

Jefferson, can I depend
on your support?

Well, I'm sorry, Al,
I don't get a ballot.

Marcie sends mine out absentee
so she's sure what I'm voting for.

But I'm gonna be
first lady, you know.

Give 'em hell.

Come on, Marcie, you above all people
should be concerned about this tax.

I mean, after looking at yourself
in the mirror all day, you must drink.

I do not drink.

I occasionally imbibe.

And only wine.

And then only with a fine meal.

Or a good cheese.

Or to enhance sex.

Or if I'm alone for 15 minutes.

But luckily, they're not trying
to increase the tax on wine.

That would be unfair to the rich.

So wine is free, eh?

The workingman pays for everything.

But a few French people and
a couple of guys that don't like girls...

...they get off for free.

Peggy, can you talk
some sense into him?

I'm sorry, Marcie, but I have to agree
with Al, 100 percent.

You see, if it wasn't for beer,
we probably wouldn't even be married.

In fact, the only time Al touches me
is when he's had eight to 10 beers.

Oh, and he's an animal.

Oh, God, I love it.

Would you excuse us?

Oh, Al, you were magnificent!

Honey, no, you can't
go to sleep now.

We have company, come on.

Well, I guess I can't persuade you
on the beer tax...

...since it brings you so many
seconds of pleasure.

But this is an important election.

It's all gonna come down to
just a few votes...

...so I need to mention
some of the other issues.

For instance, a tax that will go
towards purifying Chicago's air.

They want me to pay so that
people like you can breathe fresh air.

- Peg, write that down.
- Got it.

"No" on clean air.

All right.

Well, would you consider the plight
of the speckled songbird?

To preserve its melodious tone...

...we must protect this area
from further development.

So those little bastards can sit outside
and sing all night and I don't sleep?

- Peg, write that down.
- "No" to nature. Got it.

Now, Marcie, how do
these moronic issues...

...ever even come to the public?

Well, they're suggested
by your elected officials.

Your councilmen, your senators,
even your president.

So it goes right to the top, huh?

Well, something has to be done.

Kids, get down here right away.

I have something
very important to tell you.

Finally. He's gonna tell me
I'm not really his daughter.

No, he's gonna tell me
I'm not his son.

But you look just like him.

That was pretty low.

I'm sorry, I went too far.

I'm really sorry.

Good luck, I hope you're not his.

I hope you're not.

Dad, who's our real father?

Well, about a thousand
blood tests say it's me.

Now, kids, the U.S.A.
has been run too long...

...by people who know the issues.

People that watch the news on TV,
read books, generally pay attention.

Well, no more.

Because now it's time that we
had a say in the future of America.

Family...

...the Bundys are gonna
elect a president.

The polls have been open
across the nation for six hours...

...but it's now official
that not a single person in America...

...has yet turned out to vote.

Not only that, Bob...

...but I understand that nobody's
even watching our election coverage.

So I've been told to do
whatever it takes to get you to tune in.

You won't see that on F Troop, folks.

Now that I have
your attention, be aware...

...if any people show up
to vote today...

...the future of this country
is in their hands.

Voters coming through.
Make way, make way.

Voters coming through.

Family, breathe the democracy.

This is where it all happens.

Yes, in a dry cleaner like this,
they elected Washington and Lincoln.

And at a round table,
where this volunteer sits...

...they signed
the Declaration of Independence.

And from the looks of her,
she was probably there to see it.

Peg, get a picture of me
and Betsy Ross here.

All right.

Now, down to business.

I'm Bundy...

...Al Bundy...

...and I'm here to serve my country.

Then please consider
a minty mouthwash.

Just give me a ballot, you crone.

Not there, Mr. Bundy,
that's the bathroom.

That's all right, ma'am.

That's where he makes
all his big decisions.

My name is Bundy...

...Peggy Bundy.

And I would strongly advise you
to learn the lesson...

...that my Uncle Harold
learned the hard way.

If you're wearing a pacemaker,
do not follow him into the bathroom.

- What's your name?
- Kelly.

Oh, you should be in the Ks.

Oh, thank you.

- Name?
- Bundy.

Oh, you should be in the B's.

Oh, thank you.

- Your name?
- Kelly.

Then you should be in the Ks.

They don't want me over there.

- Your name, please.
- Bundy, Bud Bundy.

Is this your first time?

What, are you kidding?

Why does everyone look at me
and just assume I'm a virgin?

Because I'm not.

Could a virgin tell you the name
and last book read...

...by every Playboy centerfold
in the last ten years?

I've been there and back, baby.

I know the female body
like I know my own hand.

I mean, the back of my hand.

"Bud, oh, Bud," they scream.

Why, once, I even took a girl...

Sir, I just meant
is this the first time you're voting?

I guess that's something
I can admit to. Yes, yes it is.

Tell me, where do I go
and what do I do with it?

I bet that isn't the first time
you asked that.

I know what you're doing.

You're trying to tear me down
because you want me.

All girls do that.

I know you're twitching
under your girdle.

Well, dream on, Methuselah.

What's your name?

Oh, honey, it's okay.

Here, take a ballot.

Hell, this is Chicago, take two.

Hey, is it yellow
in everybody's booth?

Oops, never mind,
just had hair in my eyes.

Excuse me.

Sorry, kids, I just have to
ask Daddy a question.

Hey, woman,
what are you doing in here?

This is sacred.

Hey, no, Peg, that's sacred too.

Take me, Al.

Right here with the fate
of democracy in your hands.

And now for the election news.

Good news for those
who think Americans...

...no longer care
about the electoral process.

In the largest turnout
in the last three national elections...

...a full one half of 1 percent of all
registered voters actually did vote.

Give 'em hell, America.

Now let's look at some local returns.

The beer tax passed,
25,000 to 10,000.

And the closest race...

...the so-called Save the Earth
Clean Air Amendment...

...passed by a vote of five to four.

And now we're gonna hear
from our president-elect...

...as we take you live
to his campaign head...

Incredible. We lost everything.

Not one single thing
we wanted passed.

I guess Bundys don't count.

Or add, nor read.

- Or get a woman.
- Or a man.

What a waste of a day.

It's all Dad's fault.

I mean, he made us part
of the electrical process.

Once again we learned
that we mean nothing.

Well, at least we tried.

And failed as usual.

- Kid's right. Give up. We did.
- No, we can't quit.

- You saying we try again next year?
- No.

Tell you the truth,
I'm never voting again.

Like marriage, no matter
who you choose it turns out bad.

Unless you're rich.

They get everything they want...
Well, fine.

Let them have their birds
and their air and their...

Even their presidents.

But we cared about beer,
and they took it away from us.

Yeah, sure, what do they care if a man
who sells shoes or fixes cars...

...or totes that barge,
or spears that doody in the park...

...has to use his whole pay cheque
to buy one beer?

What do they care?

They're at their outdoor restaurants
eating their little pizzas...

...and drinking some fine wine
in a no-smoking section...

...with their sexy,
skinny second wives...

...while we're breeding
with peasant stock.

No offence, Peg.

One thing I know...

...we're never going to win
through the system.

Voting has never been
the American way.

We didn't get away from
that pansy country England by voting.

We did it by throwing their
stinking tea in our American harbor.

And why?

Because Americans don't like tea.

We like coffee.

And Americans don't like wine.

We like beer.

- Yeah.
- Ice cold.

Ice cold, best in a bottle,
but fine anyway you can get it...

...belching, burping,
wake-up-in-a-pool-of-it beer.

So let's show them
how a beer man votes.

Let's get blitzed
and take it to the streets.

Let's strike a blow
anywhere they dine alfresco...

...anywhere they eat Brie cheese...

...and anywhere they wear their pants
up high around their waist...

...in the European way.

The only thing
that Americans understand...

...is mindless Tom and Jerry
cartoon-like violence.

So let's go kick some elite butt.

Give me beer, or give me death!

Or both.

Let's pillage.

And in the biggest
election-related story...

...people are being urged to eat
at home, or at a rib joint.

Whatever you do, stay away from any
restaurant that starts with "Chez."

Frenchmen, as if they had to be told,
should stay at home.

An angry mob led by
a balding madman screaming:

"I sell shoes, damn it,
and I'm stinking drunk"...

...has run amuck, and they've turned
the streets white with foam.

Beer forever.

Oh, that's lovely. Thank you.

Anyway, the 2 percent beer tax
that was overwhelmingly voted in...

...is being reconsidered
in a special midnight session...

...of a cowering city council.

Well...

...it looks like the little man
finally might have won one.

You know, it's amazing...

...I feel more like an American now
than ever before.

By the way, does anyone know
who was elected president?

What's the difference?

But whoever you are...

...read my lips.

Don't tax beer.