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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:02:24,646 --> 00:02:28,149 Well, this is pretty much the grossest thing I've seen. 2 00:02:31,778 --> 00:02:33,738 No, ma'am. It's actually a lot better than that. 3 00:02:33,738 --> 00:02:37,075 Let me, let me pull something up on my computer really fast. 4 00:02:37,075 --> 00:02:38,409 Oh, there it is. 5 00:02:38,409 --> 00:02:41,829 Um, did you know that nine out of ten doctors 6 00:02:41,829 --> 00:02:45,333 recommend this as the only way to quit smoking? 7 00:02:45,333 --> 00:02:47,669 Can you hold on a second? Fuck you! Fuck! 8 00:02:47,669 --> 00:02:50,129 Fuck you. Fuck you, fucker. 9 00:02:50,129 --> 00:02:51,923 - Hey, Tim. 'oh, hey, Evan. 10 00:02:51,923 --> 00:02:53,341 Have you guys put together the numbers 11 00:02:53,341 --> 00:02:54,759 for Friday's presentation yet? 12 00:02:54,759 --> 00:02:56,219 What presentation? 13 00:02:56,219 --> 00:02:58,513 Phallusite. Phallusite presentation. 14 00:02:58,513 --> 00:03:00,807 Oh, is that the bigger dick thing pill-- 15 00:03:00,807 --> 00:03:03,851 - Natural male enhancement, yeah. -Right. 16 00:03:03,851 --> 00:03:05,478 - Does that thing even work? -It totally works. 17 00:03:05,645 --> 00:03:08,189 - Heard it turns your junk green. -It still works. 18 00:03:08,189 --> 00:03:10,400 Doesn't matter. It doesn't matter if it works. 19 00:03:10,400 --> 00:03:13,152 All that matters is that we land the account, all right? 20 00:03:13,152 --> 00:03:16,823 And then I can remove "acting" from acting sales manager. 21 00:03:16,823 --> 00:03:18,491 Hmm, well, I'm on it, man. 22 00:03:18,491 --> 00:03:20,159 - You can count on me. -Thank you. 23 00:03:22,453 --> 00:03:24,622 Pick it up. Pick up the gun. 24 00:03:26,374 --> 00:03:28,376 - They never... -Tim. 25 00:03:28,376 --> 00:03:30,503 - Tim. -I'm on a sales call. 26 00:03:30,670 --> 00:03:33,423 Ma'am, listen, if you're not gonna buy this-- 27 00:03:33,423 --> 00:03:35,341 - You're gonna die. -Shit! 28 00:03:35,341 --> 00:03:37,343 Boo! Tagged your ass, pussy. 29 00:03:37,343 --> 00:03:39,345 You, too? Mike, get to work. 30 00:03:39,345 --> 00:03:41,973 - You owe me 50 bucks. -Shit! 31 00:03:44,267 --> 00:03:46,227 Hey, can I borrow 50 bucks? 32 00:03:49,731 --> 00:03:52,692 Hey, Evan. Sorry to be a nudge, but you wouldn't happen to have 33 00:03:52,692 --> 00:03:55,570 that $20 you owe me for the NCAA tournament pool, would you? 34 00:03:55,570 --> 00:03:57,280 Yeah, yeah, sure. Sorry. 35 00:03:57,280 --> 00:03:59,615 It's been such a bear collecting from people. 36 00:03:59,615 --> 00:04:01,075 Kinda short on cash this month. 37 00:04:01,075 --> 00:04:03,619 My cat has a cleft palate he needs surgery for. 38 00:04:03,619 --> 00:04:06,247 He's constantly lapping milk into his eyes. 39 00:04:06,247 --> 00:04:07,582 It's really tragic. 40 00:04:11,461 --> 00:04:14,213 Okay, bada-bada-bada... 41 00:04:14,213 --> 00:04:15,798 That's baseball, dumb ass. 42 00:04:15,798 --> 00:04:18,134 Oh, I'm sorry. Did I fuck up the rules 43 00:04:18,134 --> 00:04:20,011 of this incredibly well-defined and professional sport 44 00:04:20,011 --> 00:04:21,095 that we just came up with? 45 00:04:21,095 --> 00:04:25,224 Yeah, I'm just saying that this is clearly a basketball throw. 46 00:04:25,224 --> 00:04:27,518 Okay, but I'm sure someone has thrown a baseball-- 47 00:04:27,518 --> 00:04:28,978 Yeah, nobody has ever thrown a baseball. 48 00:04:29,145 --> 00:04:30,855 - In the history of baseball-- -No adult male has. 49 00:04:30,855 --> 00:04:32,565 In the history of baseball, major league baseball... 50 00:04:34,192 --> 00:04:37,069 - Uh, can I help you? -Yes, thank you, actually. 51 00:04:37,069 --> 00:04:40,782 I'm supposed to be working with Evan Sanders today. 52 00:04:40,782 --> 00:04:43,201 - Yeah, he comes in at 9:30. -It's 10:45. 53 00:04:43,201 --> 00:04:44,994 Look, look, you can actually see it vibrate. 54 00:04:44,994 --> 00:04:46,579 Of course, because there's more than one element. 55 00:04:46,746 --> 00:04:48,956 So is Evan here or should I grab a cubicle-- 56 00:04:48,956 --> 00:04:50,666 You'll know when he gets here, okay? 57 00:04:50,666 --> 00:04:52,001 He'll start bugging you for shit. 58 00:04:52,001 --> 00:04:54,253 Now, if you need something to do, you can get me coffee. 59 00:04:55,296 --> 00:04:57,256 - Aren't you already drinking-- -Hey, sport. 60 00:04:57,256 --> 00:04:58,549 You see that garbage over there? 61 00:04:58,549 --> 00:05:01,636 Grab it and throw it in the dumpster in the garage. 62 00:05:02,512 --> 00:05:04,222 Don't we have a good janitor who can do that? 63 00:05:04,388 --> 00:05:07,934 Yeah, well, his time's valuable. Goodbye! 64 00:05:07,934 --> 00:05:10,770 - All right. -Byeee! 65 00:05:12,355 --> 00:05:14,023 Don't waste those. 66 00:05:15,024 --> 00:05:17,068 Five-five. This is it. 67 00:05:17,068 --> 00:05:18,569 - That's the one. -This is the one. 68 00:05:18,569 --> 00:05:20,029 - I can feel it. -All right. 69 00:05:23,908 --> 00:05:25,076 Yes! 70 00:05:52,854 --> 00:05:54,522 Identify yourself, soldier. 71 00:05:54,522 --> 00:05:58,067 Oh, uh, I'm Jack, the new intern. 72 00:05:58,901 --> 00:06:00,403 I'm just taking out the trash. 73 00:06:00,403 --> 00:06:01,863 - Don't we have a janitor? -You do. 74 00:06:03,364 --> 00:06:05,324 - Jerry. -Frank. 75 00:06:06,701 --> 00:06:08,369 Follow protocol. 76 00:06:10,913 --> 00:06:12,665 It's my first day. 77 00:06:16,043 --> 00:06:17,086 Thanks for pitching in. 78 00:06:48,659 --> 00:06:50,912 - Screws up his equilibrium. -What's up, dildos? 79 00:06:50,912 --> 00:06:53,664 Hey there, Andrew. Sorry to be a Pokety Paul, 80 00:06:53,664 --> 00:06:54,957 but you wouldn't happen to have 81 00:06:54,957 --> 00:06:57,376 that money you owe me for the NCAA pool, do you? 82 00:06:57,376 --> 00:06:59,337 - Didn't I lose that thing? -It's not about that. 83 00:06:59,337 --> 00:07:01,756 It's about office fun. 84 00:07:01,756 --> 00:07:05,259 My cat's got a cleft palate, is allergic to some types of air. 85 00:07:05,259 --> 00:07:06,719 - Hey, Mike. -Fuck off! 86 00:07:06,719 --> 00:07:09,138 All right. A little early for that kind of language, 87 00:07:09,138 --> 00:07:11,474 but tomorrow works for me too, buddy. 88 00:07:11,474 --> 00:07:13,184 - All right, well, see you. -See you, Dave. 89 00:07:14,101 --> 00:07:15,353 Real nice, guys. 90 00:07:15,937 --> 00:07:17,980 No one pays Dave, he's gonna stop running the pools. 91 00:07:17,980 --> 00:07:22,026 No, he's not. It's the only way anyone ever talks to the guy. 92 00:07:22,026 --> 00:07:23,361 Tim! 93 00:07:23,361 --> 00:07:26,113 I thought you were working on the Phallusite presentation. 94 00:07:26,113 --> 00:07:27,448 What's Phallusite? 95 00:07:28,282 --> 00:07:31,202 You kidding me? Have you guys done any work today? 96 00:07:31,202 --> 00:07:32,328 No. 97 00:07:33,663 --> 00:07:34,622 AMANDA: Hey, boys. 98 00:07:34,789 --> 00:07:36,332 ALL: Hey! 99 00:07:36,332 --> 00:07:40,002 Damn! For head of HR, you look fucking sexy. 100 00:07:40,002 --> 00:07:42,213 Too kind, too kind. 101 00:07:42,213 --> 00:07:45,424 - Mandy, can we please talk? -Don't call me Mandy. 102 00:07:48,803 --> 00:07:50,763 Andrew, how was your weekend? 103 00:07:50,930 --> 00:07:53,516 Uh, it was good. I banged my neighbor. 104 00:07:53,683 --> 00:07:55,309 Finally. All right! 105 00:07:55,309 --> 00:07:57,144 You're talking about the hot Ukrainian chick? 106 00:07:57,144 --> 00:07:58,604 Uh, it was actually her mom. 107 00:07:58,604 --> 00:08:00,606 - That's decent. Proud of you. -Mandy. 108 00:08:01,482 --> 00:08:04,777 Please, can we talk privately? Just somewhere else. 109 00:08:04,944 --> 00:08:08,239 Why? This is a corporate break room. 110 00:08:08,239 --> 00:08:10,783 Since we just have a business relationship, 111 00:08:10,783 --> 00:08:13,953 then, whatever it is that you need to say to me, 112 00:08:13,953 --> 00:08:17,623 you can say in front of all of our business associates. 113 00:08:17,623 --> 00:08:18,833 Right? 114 00:08:19,709 --> 00:08:22,712 Okay, fine. All right. Look, what happened... What I... 115 00:08:23,546 --> 00:08:26,424 I should have said, okay, is that-- 116 00:08:26,424 --> 00:08:29,385 Hey, congratulations on that NCAA pool. 117 00:08:30,678 --> 00:08:32,888 Yeah, thanks. You know, I actually hate Duke, 118 00:08:32,888 --> 00:08:34,306 but they win, so... 119 00:08:39,061 --> 00:08:41,105 Well, uh... 120 00:08:42,606 --> 00:08:44,233 You guys have a great day. 121 00:08:45,443 --> 00:08:48,779 Except for you. Hope yours is a horrible piece of shit. 122 00:08:48,779 --> 00:08:52,158 - Well, not if yours isn't first. -Right. 123 00:08:53,659 --> 00:08:55,995 Hey, I don't want to overstep my bounds, 124 00:08:55,995 --> 00:08:58,164 but what the fuck! Jesus! 125 00:08:58,622 --> 00:08:59,915 I don't want to talk about it. 126 00:08:59,915 --> 00:09:03,169 Okay, that was just really uncomfortable, that was like-- 127 00:09:03,169 --> 00:09:05,421 I will. I know the story. I'll totally talk about it. 128 00:09:09,550 --> 00:09:12,053 So, they're together. Just the two of them, right? 129 00:09:15,556 --> 00:09:17,016 Evan. 130 00:09:18,809 --> 00:09:20,227 I love you. 131 00:09:22,438 --> 00:09:23,856 No. 132 00:09:29,820 --> 00:09:32,281 MIKE: How could you just say no? 133 00:09:32,281 --> 00:09:34,325 You could have said anything else, 134 00:09:34,325 --> 00:09:35,826 like literally anything. 135 00:09:35,826 --> 00:09:38,329 I can't even wrap my brain 136 00:09:38,329 --> 00:09:41,499 around the way, like, you would say no. 137 00:09:41,499 --> 00:09:43,459 Fire! This could have been the one time 138 00:09:43,459 --> 00:09:45,336 -you could have said fire. -No. 139 00:09:45,336 --> 00:09:47,338 Could've called her a bitch, that would have been better. 140 00:09:47,338 --> 00:09:49,298 - Just silence, just... -No. 141 00:09:49,298 --> 00:09:51,300 You could have spoken in tongues. 142 00:09:51,300 --> 00:09:54,386 You could have 143 00:09:54,386 --> 00:09:56,764 - Not even English. German! -Nein. 144 00:09:56,764 --> 00:09:59,642 I get it, okay. I get it. I understand. 145 00:09:59,642 --> 00:10:02,853 Yes, I screwed up. I understand that, okay? 146 00:10:02,853 --> 00:10:05,940 It just kind of came out, guys. I don't know what happened. 147 00:10:06,482 --> 00:10:08,359 I just screwed up. 148 00:10:08,359 --> 00:10:09,652 You did screw up, man. 149 00:10:09,652 --> 00:10:12,613 She is the coolest girl ever. 150 00:10:13,697 --> 00:10:16,117 I mean, remember when she kicked all of our asses at paintball? 151 00:10:16,117 --> 00:10:19,662 Why did she have all that camo on her face? Unreal. 152 00:10:19,662 --> 00:10:21,872 Honestly, I bet dating her is like dating a guy. 153 00:10:22,414 --> 00:10:26,460 Who is like a hot chick that has a, you know, like a penis. 154 00:10:28,712 --> 00:10:29,755 So, not a girl? 155 00:10:30,965 --> 00:10:33,634 No, still a girl. Did you not listen to what I just said? 156 00:10:34,426 --> 00:10:36,095 - All right. -No, it's a hot girl 157 00:10:36,095 --> 00:10:38,389 with a beautiful penis but she's still... 158 00:10:38,389 --> 00:10:39,640 She's still a chick. 159 00:10:39,640 --> 00:10:41,225 She just has guy parts. 160 00:10:41,225 --> 00:10:43,644 - I-I get where you're going. -It's a feminine penis. 161 00:10:44,562 --> 00:10:46,730 What if it was a guy with a vagina? 162 00:10:46,730 --> 00:10:48,440 He makes a good point. 163 00:10:51,110 --> 00:10:52,778 - I'm an idiot. -Yeah. 164 00:10:52,778 --> 00:10:53,988 Yeah. 165 00:10:54,655 --> 00:10:59,326 You know, you and me, a couple of margaritas. 166 00:10:59,827 --> 00:11:02,371 That is so offensive. 167 00:11:02,371 --> 00:11:03,914 Why? That isn't racist. 168 00:11:03,914 --> 00:11:06,041 I know it's not racist. I like margaritas. 169 00:11:06,041 --> 00:11:08,586 I'm just offended that you think I would date you. 170 00:11:10,254 --> 00:11:13,215 Has anyone seen Andrew? Andrew! 171 00:11:13,215 --> 00:11:15,676 Hey, Andrew, could you please get your phone? 172 00:11:15,676 --> 00:11:17,011 It's ringing off the hook, man. 173 00:11:17,011 --> 00:11:19,638 Oh, probably one of my 174 00:11:19,638 --> 00:11:23,225 man-like 15 female suitors. 175 00:11:23,225 --> 00:11:25,269 Your suitors are man-like? 176 00:11:25,269 --> 00:11:27,438 No, no, no. I mean, man-like man! 177 00:11:27,438 --> 00:11:31,775 Not man like man-like. You know, man like man-- 178 00:11:31,775 --> 00:11:33,611 Stop saying "man-like." 179 00:11:33,611 --> 00:11:36,572 Could you get your phone? It's probably a sales call. 180 00:11:36,572 --> 00:11:38,949 Probably a business-related sales call. 181 00:11:38,949 --> 00:11:42,369 I'll give you the business-related later. 182 00:11:43,370 --> 00:11:45,372 I'll talk to him, okay? 183 00:11:45,372 --> 00:11:49,210 Uh, I heard what happened with you and Amanda breaking up. 184 00:11:51,170 --> 00:11:52,296 Oh, you heard about that? 185 00:11:52,296 --> 00:11:54,173 Yeah, well, she's the head of HR, 186 00:11:54,173 --> 00:11:56,258 and she put out a memo. 187 00:12:01,013 --> 00:12:02,765 - Um, I-I-- -All right. 188 00:12:03,515 --> 00:12:04,975 Andrew, get the phone! 189 00:12:05,809 --> 00:12:09,021 - Evan. Can I bend your ear? -Yeah. Hey. 190 00:12:09,188 --> 00:12:10,731 How's the presentation coming? 191 00:12:10,731 --> 00:12:12,107 You're gonna be ready by Friday? 192 00:12:12,107 --> 00:12:15,444 Yeah, Friday. Yeah, sure, Ted. Yeah. 193 00:12:15,444 --> 00:12:17,279 Yeah, we need this account, Evan. 194 00:12:17,279 --> 00:12:18,739 Sales have been bad, 195 00:12:18,739 --> 00:12:22,701 but if we land this fish, you'll save all our asses. 196 00:12:22,701 --> 00:12:23,786 Yeah. 197 00:12:23,786 --> 00:12:24,995 I know male enhancement 198 00:12:24,995 --> 00:12:27,706 isn't the most glamorous product in the world but... 199 00:12:27,706 --> 00:12:31,418 No. My sources tell me it works actually. 200 00:12:31,418 --> 00:12:32,962 Tell me if you need anything, 201 00:12:32,962 --> 00:12:35,005 'cause it's all hands on deck on this one. 202 00:12:35,005 --> 00:12:36,548 Yeah. 203 00:12:36,548 --> 00:12:39,051 I'm making a pretty big announcement today 204 00:12:39,218 --> 00:12:41,720 about the next phase of our company's future. 205 00:12:41,720 --> 00:12:44,265 I need to know you're gonna be a team player, 206 00:12:44,265 --> 00:12:45,683 no matter what. 207 00:12:46,558 --> 00:12:50,229 Yeah. Yeah, Ted. You can count on me. 208 00:12:51,480 --> 00:12:53,148 My office, 10 minutes. 209 00:12:53,148 --> 00:12:54,233 All right. 210 00:13:10,249 --> 00:13:11,959 Hey, guys. Guys, guess what? 211 00:13:11,959 --> 00:13:13,544 I think Ted's gonna make me sales manager. 212 00:13:13,544 --> 00:13:15,546 ALL: Oh! 213 00:13:15,546 --> 00:13:17,506 Bam! Snap! 214 00:13:18,173 --> 00:13:19,300 What? 215 00:13:21,135 --> 00:13:24,596 Bam, snap. It's like, a new catchphrase I'm trying. 216 00:13:25,472 --> 00:13:27,683 - Yeah, it's not really working. -It's a work in progress. 217 00:13:28,767 --> 00:13:30,394 - I love it. -Thank you, Mike. 218 00:13:30,394 --> 00:13:31,729 Yeah, yeah, yeah! 219 00:13:31,729 --> 00:13:33,355 I'm still working on the inflection but... 220 00:13:33,355 --> 00:13:35,107 - Ted's office in 10. -It's a catchphrase. 221 00:13:35,274 --> 00:13:36,859 I feel like everyone needs one in the office. 222 00:13:36,859 --> 00:13:38,569 - That's why... -Yeah, it's good though. 223 00:13:38,569 --> 00:13:42,031 Yeah. We really need to start bringing fruit into this. 224 00:13:42,031 --> 00:13:43,532 - We can eat it. -I'm not ready for fruit. 225 00:13:48,996 --> 00:13:52,207 Hey, Amanda. Mandy. Amanda. 226 00:13:52,207 --> 00:13:54,376 Uh, sorry. Sorry to bother you, 227 00:13:54,376 --> 00:13:56,545 but Ted wants everyone in his office. 228 00:13:57,421 --> 00:14:00,716 He's got an announcement to make, I guess. 229 00:14:00,716 --> 00:14:02,468 - Okay, got it. -Okay. 230 00:14:04,928 --> 00:14:08,015 I think he's gonna make me sales manager. 231 00:14:08,015 --> 00:14:09,850 - Is that so? -Yeah. 232 00:14:10,476 --> 00:14:12,019 Finally get that promotion. 233 00:14:13,479 --> 00:14:15,731 It's kinda crazy. I can't believe it. 234 00:14:15,731 --> 00:14:18,567 It is so adult. Manager, you know? 235 00:14:18,567 --> 00:14:20,986 I feel like it was just, you know, 236 00:14:20,986 --> 00:14:24,615 yesterday when we were kids, just laughing 237 00:14:24,615 --> 00:14:27,534 and just saying stupid stuff. 238 00:14:28,035 --> 00:14:32,414 And now, we're looking after the kids. 239 00:14:33,457 --> 00:14:36,710 Right? You know, I was listening to NPR this morning. 240 00:14:36,710 --> 00:14:38,879 They were talking about the monogamy of gibbons, 241 00:14:39,046 --> 00:14:42,800 and it's just the cutest thing I've ever seen. 242 00:14:42,800 --> 00:14:45,177 Or heard. It was on the radio, 243 00:14:45,344 --> 00:14:47,846 but they had these sound bites, you know? They're 244 00:14:48,472 --> 00:14:52,184 a little chirping, you know. These sweet monkey nothings-- 245 00:14:52,351 --> 00:14:53,977 Evan. I have some things to do. 246 00:14:53,977 --> 00:14:56,855 - So if you'll excuse me. -Yeah, I'm gonna... Okay. 247 00:14:56,855 --> 00:14:59,608 - Uh, check in five. -Right. 248 00:15:05,697 --> 00:15:09,493 So, I'm sorry to say without major improvements, 249 00:15:09,493 --> 00:15:11,203 we're gonna have to start laying some people off. 250 00:15:11,370 --> 00:15:12,538 Mike! 251 00:15:13,789 --> 00:15:15,332 It's time for a change. 252 00:15:16,333 --> 00:15:21,004 Corporate thinks we need an official sales manager again. 253 00:15:21,922 --> 00:15:24,007 And I couldn't agree more. 254 00:15:24,007 --> 00:15:27,928 So I'm proud to announce our new manager of sales, 255 00:15:27,928 --> 00:15:29,346 Max Phillips. 256 00:15:31,807 --> 00:15:34,893 - No, no, no. Not Max. -Who the hell is Max? 257 00:15:34,893 --> 00:15:36,145 What the hell is going on right now? 258 00:15:36,145 --> 00:15:38,147 Max, Evan and I went to college together. 259 00:15:38,147 --> 00:15:39,148 It's kind of a long story. 260 00:15:39,523 --> 00:15:41,233 - Hey, Evan. - Sup? 261 00:15:41,233 --> 00:15:43,652 - That wasn't a long story. -No. 262 00:15:43,652 --> 00:15:47,322 Oh, did I mention that Max slept with Evan's girlfriend, 263 00:15:47,322 --> 00:15:49,616 so Evan had Max kicked out of school for cheating, 264 00:15:49,616 --> 00:15:51,368 so Max punched Evan in the face? 265 00:15:51,660 --> 00:15:53,871 No. You skipped all that. 266 00:15:53,871 --> 00:15:55,372 Question. 267 00:15:56,415 --> 00:15:58,000 - What do we sell here? -Shake weights. 268 00:15:58,000 --> 00:16:00,043 - Power mustaches. -The Abinatrix. 269 00:16:00,043 --> 00:16:02,754 No, Michael. We sell dreams. 270 00:16:02,754 --> 00:16:03,839 He knows my name. 271 00:16:03,839 --> 00:16:07,009 Sales is... seduction. 272 00:16:07,968 --> 00:16:10,679 And when you seduce, 273 00:16:10,679 --> 00:16:13,098 do you say, "I have a 401k"? 274 00:16:13,098 --> 00:16:15,142 Or "I floss"? No. 275 00:16:16,143 --> 00:16:17,436 You say... 276 00:16:19,646 --> 00:16:21,064 "I love you." 277 00:16:25,319 --> 00:16:27,738 Because people make decisions from the heart. 278 00:16:27,738 --> 00:16:29,865 If you wanna sell a bunch of useless crap 279 00:16:29,865 --> 00:16:31,992 to fat losers in Alabama 280 00:16:32,159 --> 00:16:34,703 and bored housewives in Iowa, 281 00:16:34,703 --> 00:16:36,955 feed their dreams. 282 00:16:37,623 --> 00:16:38,957 Convince them. 283 00:16:39,625 --> 00:16:43,420 Their lives can transcend the pointless slog of being human. 284 00:16:44,379 --> 00:16:47,549 Give them hope, open their eyes 285 00:16:47,549 --> 00:16:51,637 to something... bigger. 286 00:16:52,554 --> 00:16:57,309 Sink your teeth into their poor pathetic lives. 287 00:16:58,602 --> 00:17:00,604 And give them life. 288 00:17:02,022 --> 00:17:04,107 And better abs. 289 00:17:04,942 --> 00:17:08,779 Our goal for this month is... 290 00:17:10,572 --> 00:17:12,491 one million dollars in sales. 291 00:17:12,908 --> 00:17:15,077 It's aggressive, yes, 292 00:17:15,077 --> 00:17:17,204 but I'm confident we can hit it. 293 00:17:18,872 --> 00:17:22,334 And if we don't, Ted and I have already agreed... 294 00:17:24,127 --> 00:17:26,046 we'll be forced to kill all of you. 295 00:17:27,714 --> 00:17:29,383 So you better do what he says. 296 00:17:31,927 --> 00:17:34,805 So, come on, let's get out there and get selling. 297 00:17:36,390 --> 00:17:38,934 - What the hell, Ted? -Now, hold on a minute. 298 00:17:39,393 --> 00:17:41,061 No one ever promised you that job. 299 00:17:41,061 --> 00:17:44,856 Oh, yeah, I-I know, but Max Phillips? 300 00:17:44,856 --> 00:17:47,609 He's got an MBA. He's got a great track record. 301 00:17:47,609 --> 00:17:49,069 He comes highly recommended. 302 00:17:49,069 --> 00:17:52,155 He has some very interesting ideas for new hires. 303 00:17:52,155 --> 00:17:54,616 Honestly, we're lucky to have him. 304 00:17:56,743 --> 00:17:59,371 How did you... Of all... 305 00:17:59,538 --> 00:18:01,665 Now, this isn't gonna be a problem, now, is it? 306 00:18:02,583 --> 00:18:05,627 - You working for Max? -No. No! 307 00:18:05,627 --> 00:18:07,087 Of course not, I just... 308 00:18:07,087 --> 00:18:09,673 I would have liked a legitimate crack at the job 309 00:18:09,673 --> 00:18:12,342 before you brought in someone else. 310 00:18:14,344 --> 00:18:18,599 Look. I like you, Evan. I really do. 311 00:18:18,599 --> 00:18:21,143 I mean, you show up for work on time. 312 00:18:21,310 --> 00:18:22,728 You work hard. 313 00:18:22,728 --> 00:18:24,688 You legitimately give a shit. 314 00:18:24,688 --> 00:18:26,732 Thank you. I do! 315 00:18:26,732 --> 00:18:28,358 It's like I used to tell the bench players 316 00:18:28,358 --> 00:18:29,651 back when I coached football, 317 00:18:29,651 --> 00:18:31,445 "The most important people in the team 318 00:18:31,445 --> 00:18:33,655 "are the ones who make the starters try." 319 00:18:34,406 --> 00:18:36,658 Now, you get out there. There you go. 320 00:18:47,794 --> 00:18:49,463 Thank you, Jerry. 321 00:18:51,048 --> 00:18:53,050 Those are the employee files I requested? 322 00:18:53,050 --> 00:18:55,844 Oh, yes, I think so. 323 00:18:55,844 --> 00:18:58,013 It might be helpful if you were a little more specific 324 00:18:58,013 --> 00:18:59,931 about exactly what it is you're looking for. 325 00:18:59,931 --> 00:19:04,603 Listen, Amanda, I know you and Evan have a history, 326 00:19:04,603 --> 00:19:06,813 and I know that you care about him. 327 00:19:07,481 --> 00:19:11,360 Uh... I'm the head of HR. 328 00:19:11,360 --> 00:19:14,821 So, it's highly inappropriate for me to discuss this-- 329 00:19:14,821 --> 00:19:16,490 Sure, sure, sure. I'll tell you what. 330 00:19:17,949 --> 00:19:21,953 After I settle in, you and I can 331 00:19:21,953 --> 00:19:24,456 schedule some one-on-one and get to know each other. 332 00:19:25,248 --> 00:19:26,875 Yeah, that sounds nice. 333 00:19:27,834 --> 00:19:30,462 - Hey, buddy. -Um... 334 00:19:31,171 --> 00:19:32,923 Just a little HR talk. Thanks, Mandy. 335 00:19:32,923 --> 00:19:34,966 - We'll circle... -Hey, that's my... 336 00:19:34,966 --> 00:19:36,677 Where are you taking Fuzz Aldrin? 337 00:19:40,389 --> 00:19:42,724 Fuzz Aldrin, the janitor has... Why? 338 00:19:42,724 --> 00:19:44,393 Long time no see. Am I right? 339 00:19:48,897 --> 00:19:53,110 Listen, Evan. I know you and I had a little falling out. 340 00:19:53,110 --> 00:19:55,779 But as far as I'm concerned, 341 00:19:55,779 --> 00:19:57,364 water under the bridge. 342 00:19:58,323 --> 00:19:59,991 - Ancient history. -Okay, good-- 343 00:19:59,991 --> 00:20:01,493 It's all about the company now, right? 344 00:20:01,660 --> 00:20:03,453 - Wait-- -I knew I could count on you. 345 00:20:04,663 --> 00:20:05,747 This is mine- 346 00:20:05,747 --> 00:20:08,583 MIKE: Boom shaka laka. Who's the noob now, bitch? 347 00:20:09,459 --> 00:20:10,877 Oh, now you wanna be a little kid. 348 00:20:10,877 --> 00:20:13,171 Okay. Well, you can cry all night long 349 00:20:13,171 --> 00:20:15,590 'cause you just got your ass whupped by a grownup 350 00:20:15,590 --> 00:20:17,008 with a big-ass dick. 351 00:20:18,260 --> 00:20:21,054 I'm gonna kill you. 352 00:20:37,070 --> 00:20:38,155 Yeah. 353 00:20:39,072 --> 00:20:41,950 Yeah. No, I'mma fuck you up. I'm gonna fuck... 354 00:20:43,076 --> 00:20:44,244 you up. 355 00:20:44,244 --> 00:20:47,456 Yeah, I see you. Fuckin' eat that shit. 356 00:20:48,457 --> 00:20:49,916 Hey. 357 00:20:50,959 --> 00:20:55,422 Jesus, man! You gotta fucking warn someone before you do that. 358 00:20:55,422 --> 00:20:56,798 Office hours are over. 359 00:20:57,048 --> 00:20:59,760 Yeah, well, high-speed internet's free, 360 00:20:59,760 --> 00:21:01,845 and Elaine left her Souplantation in the fridge. 361 00:21:01,845 --> 00:21:05,056 So, velvet rope off this motherfucker right here 362 00:21:05,223 --> 00:21:07,851 because this is gonna be my own personal club tonight. 363 00:21:07,851 --> 00:21:09,561 - Okay. -Oh. 364 00:21:09,728 --> 00:21:11,396 And I'm gonna be dialing up some Youjizz 365 00:21:11,396 --> 00:21:13,565 and busting out some knuckle children in a couple of minutes 366 00:21:13,565 --> 00:21:16,401 so unless you wanna mop me up here and here 367 00:21:16,401 --> 00:21:18,570 and here and a little bit here 368 00:21:18,737 --> 00:21:20,489 -and some over here-- -I'll go take a smoke break. 369 00:21:24,826 --> 00:21:27,078 Oh, yeah, I'm back. Oh, are the tears back? 370 00:21:27,412 --> 00:21:29,998 Good. Yeah, take that. 371 00:21:29,998 --> 00:21:33,460 Oh. Oh-ho. I hear the tears already coming. 372 00:21:41,092 --> 00:21:42,344 What the shit? 373 00:21:44,262 --> 00:21:45,972 I'm gonna go take a dump now. 374 00:21:47,599 --> 00:21:49,810 If anyone wanna steal something from this company, 375 00:21:49,810 --> 00:21:52,521 I'd be gone way too long to do anything about it. 376 00:22:23,510 --> 00:22:24,469 Ha. 377 00:22:24,886 --> 00:22:27,013 Hilarious, man. 378 00:22:27,973 --> 00:22:30,809 Turning the lights out on the guy in the shitter, man. 379 00:22:32,185 --> 00:22:34,646 You must be some kind of a prank savant, right? 380 00:22:43,280 --> 00:22:46,157 All right, man. Whoever's doing this better knock it off. 381 00:23:21,026 --> 00:23:22,277 Colonel Sanders. 382 00:23:22,444 --> 00:23:24,946 Still hilarious. Hey, is Mike here already? 383 00:23:24,946 --> 00:23:27,407 - His car is in the garage. -That's a negative, sir. 384 00:23:27,407 --> 00:23:29,409 - Do you know who Mike is? -That's a negative, sir. 385 00:23:29,409 --> 00:23:30,660 How do you know he's not here? 386 00:23:30,660 --> 00:23:32,203 I unlocked the doors myself at 0600, 387 00:23:32,203 --> 00:23:34,456 and no unfamiliars have penetrated my perimeter, 388 00:23:34,456 --> 00:23:35,624 I've been on full alert. 389 00:23:38,919 --> 00:23:41,046 So, full alert, huh? 390 00:23:44,466 --> 00:23:46,384 I believe I know this cat, sir. 391 00:23:51,348 --> 00:23:55,852 Okay, uh, at ease or carry on. 392 00:24:05,487 --> 00:24:07,072 Nah, I must be dreaming. 393 00:24:08,198 --> 00:24:11,159 Max called me at 6 a.m. this morning to come in early. 394 00:24:12,118 --> 00:24:15,747 I haven't been up before dawn since straight is great camp 395 00:24:16,289 --> 00:24:17,248 What? 396 00:24:17,415 --> 00:24:19,793 I wasn't gay. They just had a really good archery program. 397 00:24:20,210 --> 00:24:21,836 All right. So you've told me. 398 00:24:21,836 --> 00:24:23,755 This situation sucks, dude. 399 00:24:24,255 --> 00:24:26,132 I mean, we gotta do something about this, right? 400 00:24:26,132 --> 00:24:28,218 I mean, can you believe how much they've screwed us here? 401 00:24:28,218 --> 00:24:29,386 Us? 402 00:24:29,386 --> 00:24:32,555 Yeah. I mean, I was all ready for you to become sales manager. 403 00:24:32,931 --> 00:24:34,307 I wanted that for you, man. 404 00:24:34,307 --> 00:24:37,143 'Cause what's better than having your best friend as your boss? 405 00:24:37,143 --> 00:24:38,520 - Yeah. -Now then... 406 00:24:38,520 --> 00:24:40,355 I mean, I would have gotten away with everything. 407 00:24:41,064 --> 00:24:42,315 But now... 408 00:24:44,275 --> 00:24:45,777 I mean, you get me, man. 409 00:24:46,319 --> 00:24:50,198 You know? You allow me to be me in the workplace. 410 00:24:50,198 --> 00:24:51,866 - Useless slacker. -Exactly. 411 00:24:51,866 --> 00:24:53,660 - Worthless. -Yeah. 412 00:24:53,660 --> 00:24:55,954 - Gotta have one. -I mean, look at me, man. 413 00:24:56,955 --> 00:24:57,956 Look at me. 414 00:25:00,500 --> 00:25:03,670 My perfect routine is broken. 415 00:25:05,171 --> 00:25:07,966 Yeah, you, you are the real victim here. 416 00:25:09,342 --> 00:25:10,343 I know. 417 00:25:11,136 --> 00:25:14,514 But hey, man. You got hosed too, kinda. 418 00:25:15,473 --> 00:25:16,558 Oh. 419 00:25:17,225 --> 00:25:18,560 By the way... 420 00:25:24,524 --> 00:25:25,775 No. 421 00:25:25,775 --> 00:25:30,238 No. You gotta be fucking kidding me. This is my desk now? 422 00:25:30,238 --> 00:25:33,867 Well, officially, it's still a photoprinter's desk. 423 00:25:35,326 --> 00:25:36,870 But you can share it. 424 00:25:40,165 --> 00:25:41,499 Do I get a chair? 425 00:25:53,094 --> 00:25:56,056 Holy fucking shit! 426 00:25:59,184 --> 00:26:01,561 We're gonna get this place lean and mean, Theodore. 427 00:26:01,561 --> 00:26:03,521 We are gonna separate the meat from the tallow. 428 00:26:03,688 --> 00:26:05,273 We're going- 429 00:26:05,273 --> 00:26:06,483 Mike is dead. 430 00:26:07,233 --> 00:26:09,694 - Mike is fucking dead! -What? 431 00:26:09,861 --> 00:26:11,654 Mike is dead in the fucking bathroom. 432 00:26:11,654 --> 00:26:13,740 I went in there, and someone ate his... 433 00:26:13,740 --> 00:26:16,493 I don't know. I just had to go. I just needed to go. 434 00:26:16,493 --> 00:26:19,037 Jesus Christ, I'll never take a shit again. 435 00:26:19,204 --> 00:26:22,123 Evan, Evan, slow down. What's up now? 436 00:26:23,124 --> 00:26:24,125 Mike... 437 00:26:25,335 --> 00:26:27,879 Eaten... Dead... 438 00:26:27,879 --> 00:26:29,339 The bathroom. 439 00:26:30,090 --> 00:26:31,382 Ted, call security. 440 00:26:32,592 --> 00:26:34,260 I still have to go. 441 00:26:36,596 --> 00:26:38,640 - Hey, Frank , we have to have-- -Code one emergency. 442 00:26:38,640 --> 00:26:42,227 The forty dollars you owe me for the NCAA tournament pool. 443 00:26:43,103 --> 00:26:46,314 I'd join ya, but I gotta get these papers. 444 00:26:46,314 --> 00:26:47,982 Wait! Wait, wait, wait. 445 00:26:47,982 --> 00:26:49,651 Don't open the door. 446 00:26:49,651 --> 00:26:53,279 I'm-I'm sorry. I just, I need to warn you. 447 00:26:53,279 --> 00:26:56,407 I hope you all have strong stomachs. 448 00:26:56,991 --> 00:26:58,576 Oh, boy. 449 00:26:58,576 --> 00:27:01,162 That's disgusting. I'll clean it again. It's-- 450 00:27:02,497 --> 00:27:04,165 What? No . 451 00:27:05,125 --> 00:27:08,670 No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. I_IIII 452 00:27:09,420 --> 00:27:13,883 I am telling you, this stall was a fucking horror show. 453 00:27:13,883 --> 00:27:15,885 Evan, this isn't some way 454 00:27:15,885 --> 00:27:18,346 of stalling on the Phallusite presentation, is it? 455 00:27:18,346 --> 00:27:22,392 - The what? What? -The Phallusite presentation. 456 00:27:22,392 --> 00:27:24,102 It's tomorrow. If you're not ready-- 457 00:27:24,102 --> 00:27:25,854 No, no. I just... I-I... 458 00:27:25,854 --> 00:27:28,398 I'm not, I'm not ready yet, all right? I'm not... 459 00:27:28,565 --> 00:27:30,650 It will be ready, okay? It will... 460 00:27:32,026 --> 00:27:34,237 - Mike! -I'll deal with Mike 461 00:27:34,237 --> 00:27:36,573 whenever he decides to roll in to work today. 462 00:27:37,240 --> 00:27:39,200 You just keep your eye on the ball, huh? 463 00:27:39,200 --> 00:27:40,618 We're counting on you, slugger. 464 00:27:47,834 --> 00:27:52,130 No. No. What the fuck! 465 00:27:58,761 --> 00:27:59,971 Permission to speak freely. 466 00:27:59,971 --> 00:28:03,349 Jesus Christ, Frank. Can we drop the whole chain of command bit? 467 00:28:03,349 --> 00:28:05,977 I'm just not in the mood. 468 00:28:06,561 --> 00:28:09,480 You were right. Someone drew first blood. 469 00:28:19,908 --> 00:28:21,910 I need to talk to you. 470 00:28:21,910 --> 00:28:24,913 Evan, if this is about us, I just can't at work. I have-- 471 00:28:24,913 --> 00:28:26,623 Mike is dead. 472 00:28:26,623 --> 00:28:27,624 What? 473 00:28:28,249 --> 00:28:30,877 I found him in the men's room. He was propped up in the stall 474 00:28:30,877 --> 00:28:33,254 like some fucked up marionette. 475 00:28:33,254 --> 00:28:36,174 There was blood everywhere. And then I went to get help, 476 00:28:36,174 --> 00:28:37,634 and he was gone. 477 00:28:39,469 --> 00:28:42,305 Oh, my God. I can't believe you're doing this right now. 478 00:28:42,305 --> 00:28:45,892 Doing what? Mike was dead in the bathroom. 479 00:28:45,892 --> 00:28:47,435 Did anyone else see the body? 480 00:28:47,435 --> 00:28:50,355 Well, no. I-I-I went to get help 481 00:28:50,355 --> 00:28:51,856 and then when I came back, he was gone. 482 00:28:51,856 --> 00:28:55,193 Jesus! Evan, he's fucking with you. It's Mike. 483 00:28:55,193 --> 00:28:56,819 He's probably doing it as a joke. 484 00:28:56,819 --> 00:28:58,947 Let's not forget he's a complete asshole, okay? 485 00:29:00,406 --> 00:29:04,077 Yeah, he is kind of an asshole, but I-I-I don't know. 486 00:29:04,077 --> 00:29:06,871 - This looked pretty real. -Okay. 487 00:29:06,871 --> 00:29:10,458 All right, let's, uh, let's consider the possibilities then. 488 00:29:10,458 --> 00:29:13,378 Option one, somebody murdered Mike, 489 00:29:13,378 --> 00:29:15,046 left him in the bathroom and then moved 490 00:29:15,213 --> 00:29:16,965 the body when you went to get help. 491 00:29:16,965 --> 00:29:18,591 Well, when you put it that way-- 492 00:29:18,591 --> 00:29:22,720 Or option two is that the most obnoxious prick in the office 493 00:29:22,720 --> 00:29:26,015 who would rather do anything other than actually work, 494 00:29:26,015 --> 00:29:27,433 played a practical joke on you. 495 00:29:28,643 --> 00:29:30,144 Okay, now I'm gonna kill him. 496 00:29:30,144 --> 00:29:32,021 Yeah, well, you've got bigger fish to fry. 497 00:29:33,231 --> 00:29:35,149 Okay, Max is cleaning house. 498 00:29:35,149 --> 00:29:37,443 Mike was probably getting fired even before the first stunt. 499 00:29:41,155 --> 00:29:43,533 I have to nail that presentation. 500 00:29:43,533 --> 00:29:44,575 Yeah. 501 00:29:48,621 --> 00:29:50,915 Thank you. Thank you. 502 00:29:51,416 --> 00:29:52,959 - Hup, hup, hup, hup. -Hup, hup, hup, hup. 503 00:29:52,959 --> 00:29:54,377 Don't you two have some work to do? 504 00:29:54,377 --> 00:29:55,545 - Not really. -Not really. 505 00:29:55,545 --> 00:29:57,630 - Hup, hup, hup, hup. -Hup, hup, hup, hup. 506 00:30:00,383 --> 00:30:01,968 - Dave, right? -Yeah. 507 00:30:01,968 --> 00:30:04,178 I hear you're the guy to talk to about office pools. 508 00:30:04,178 --> 00:30:06,097 - Yeah. -Company sports czar. 509 00:30:06,097 --> 00:30:07,932 It's so weird. I have to try to get people 510 00:30:07,932 --> 00:30:09,309 -to call me that around here. -Oh, yeah? 511 00:30:09,517 --> 00:30:12,061 I should probably quit though. My cat, Puddles, he 512 00:30:12,270 --> 00:30:14,105 gets really jealous when I spend too much time on, 513 00:30:14,272 --> 00:30:15,523 his diabetes is acting up. 514 00:30:15,690 --> 00:30:17,025 Oh, nonsense. 515 00:30:17,025 --> 00:30:19,152 Morale is vital to the health of any company. 516 00:30:20,194 --> 00:30:22,113 And you make an important contribution. 517 00:30:22,280 --> 00:30:24,532 Let's pop into my man-cave, and you can give me the Vegas tips 518 00:30:24,532 --> 00:30:27,452 on the NBA playoffs and dirt on upcoming events, you know? 519 00:30:27,452 --> 00:30:28,494 Don't hit me. 520 00:30:29,329 --> 00:30:30,413 Man stuff, all right. 521 00:30:30,413 --> 00:30:31,539 - All right. -Come on. 522 00:30:31,539 --> 00:30:33,750 I got all sorts of ideas for other office pools. 523 00:30:33,750 --> 00:30:37,128 Competitive curling, fantasy fishing, ant bite... 524 00:30:37,128 --> 00:30:43,593 - Hup, hup, hup, hup. -Hup, hup, hup, hup. 525 00:30:43,593 --> 00:30:44,719 Dude, the record. 526 00:30:45,553 --> 00:30:46,596 What's up, man. You all right? 527 00:30:48,139 --> 00:30:49,182 I... 528 00:30:49,932 --> 00:30:51,684 I don't know. I don't know. 529 00:30:52,977 --> 00:30:56,272 Right now, I'm just trying to avoid getting fired. 530 00:30:57,106 --> 00:30:59,150 That's smart. That's a good plan. 531 00:30:59,317 --> 00:31:01,194 - Welcome to the club, right? -Right. 532 00:31:01,194 --> 00:31:03,529 - Hup, hup, hup, hup. -Hup, hup, hup, hup. 533 00:31:03,529 --> 00:31:04,655 - Hup, hup, I'll-ID" -Hup, hup, I'll-ID" 534 00:31:10,036 --> 00:31:13,164 I want my $20 for the NCAA tournament pool. 535 00:31:13,164 --> 00:31:15,958 - I told you, man. I... -No excuses! 536 00:31:15,958 --> 00:31:17,543 You gambled, you lost. 537 00:31:17,960 --> 00:31:19,587 Now pay for your failures. 538 00:31:20,088 --> 00:31:21,547 You need to chill out, Brian. 539 00:31:21,547 --> 00:31:25,551 I will chill when I have your $20 as well, Tim. 540 00:31:25,551 --> 00:31:28,805 You have until 5 o'clock. Don't make me come find you. 541 00:31:29,347 --> 00:31:33,017 Evan, thank you for your thoughtful and prompt payment. 542 00:31:33,017 --> 00:31:34,560 It shall not be forgotten. 543 00:31:36,437 --> 00:31:37,480 I... 544 00:31:40,733 --> 00:31:42,443 What the fuck was that? 545 00:31:42,443 --> 00:31:44,195 I didn't even enter that pool. 546 00:31:44,195 --> 00:31:48,282 Ah, shit. Mike's computer's password protected. 547 00:31:48,282 --> 00:31:49,492 That's probably a good thing. 548 00:31:49,492 --> 00:31:51,160 There's an insane amount of porn on that. 549 00:31:51,160 --> 00:31:52,161 Uh... 550 00:31:52,995 --> 00:31:55,039 How the hell am I gonna get those sales figures? 551 00:31:55,039 --> 00:31:57,834 You mean, you want all the numbers, like... 552 00:31:57,834 --> 00:32:00,211 Yeah, yeah. The spreadsheets are on Mike's computer 553 00:32:00,378 --> 00:32:01,879 and that's locked, so- 554 00:32:01,879 --> 00:32:03,089 Oh, you don't have the password? 555 00:32:03,089 --> 00:32:05,842 No, no. You know, I don't wanna know the password, 556 00:32:05,842 --> 00:32:08,678 so I'm gonna have to rebuild the excel files from scratch. 557 00:32:08,678 --> 00:32:11,139 Yeah, yeah, yeah. I can totally help, you know. 558 00:32:11,139 --> 00:32:12,932 Especially after what Ted did to you. 559 00:32:12,932 --> 00:32:14,475 That was just so horrible. 560 00:32:14,475 --> 00:32:16,602 I know. Right? Yeah. 561 00:32:16,602 --> 00:32:18,062 You must be having such a horrible day. 562 00:32:18,229 --> 00:32:19,564 So you think you can help me out? 563 00:32:19,564 --> 00:32:21,107 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. 564 00:32:21,107 --> 00:32:24,402 I could totally go down to the basement, and, um... 565 00:32:24,402 --> 00:32:26,612 -grab the files for you. -That's great. 566 00:32:26,612 --> 00:32:30,032 You're a lifesaver, Zabs. Go-go do that, and then we'll talk. 567 00:32:30,032 --> 00:32:31,909 - Okay - Okay. Bye-DYE- 568 00:32:31,909 --> 00:32:33,453 Bye. Run along. 569 00:32:33,453 --> 00:32:34,954 - Hup, hup, hup, hup. -Hup, hup, hup, hup. 570 00:32:34,954 --> 00:32:36,414 - Hup, hup, hUP- -Hup, hup, hUP- 571 00:32:37,582 --> 00:32:39,041 - God. -MAN: Little help. 572 00:32:43,421 --> 00:32:44,797 Really? Uh... 573 00:32:45,798 --> 00:32:46,966 Oh! 574 00:32:57,268 --> 00:32:58,561 Ev- Evan? 575 00:33:01,439 --> 00:33:03,232 Okay. 576 00:33:06,027 --> 00:33:07,487 Oh, shit. 577 00:33:07,487 --> 00:33:09,280 I just got this skirt. 578 00:33:10,072 --> 00:33:11,199 Come on. 579 00:33:16,078 --> 00:33:18,331 Please, it's not the world. It's just one night. 580 00:33:18,331 --> 00:33:19,457 I have kick ball. 581 00:33:19,457 --> 00:33:20,750 And you're starting pitcher tonight. 582 00:33:20,750 --> 00:33:22,585 I'm on that team. I never get to go. 583 00:33:22,585 --> 00:33:24,587 - He's terrible. -God damn, Tim! 584 00:33:24,587 --> 00:33:26,214 All right. Wh-what do I get if I stay? 585 00:33:26,214 --> 00:33:27,673 My undying gratitude. 586 00:33:27,673 --> 00:33:29,675 The respect and admiration of your peers. 587 00:33:29,675 --> 00:33:31,344 - It's not me. - Come on, man. 588 00:33:31,344 --> 00:33:33,471 - Something valuable. - Precious gems. 589 00:33:34,013 --> 00:33:35,181 Straight-up cash. 590 00:33:35,181 --> 00:33:36,933 If we land the account, all the Phallusite 591 00:33:36,933 --> 00:33:38,184 you'll ever need, free. 592 00:33:38,726 --> 00:33:41,562 - No. - Yes. 593 00:33:41,562 --> 00:33:43,022 - You should be in sales. - Yes! 594 00:33:44,607 --> 00:33:45,733 Why do you care? I... 595 00:33:46,275 --> 00:33:48,736 I don't suppose I should even bother to ask you. 596 00:33:49,529 --> 00:33:52,490 Oh, I can't tonight. I've got Kelly Clarkson tickets. 597 00:33:52,490 --> 00:33:53,991 Oh, you had been talking about that. 598 00:33:53,991 --> 00:33:55,117 - Yeah. - All right. 599 00:33:55,117 --> 00:33:57,286 I like that Walk Away song, though, I do. 600 00:33:58,037 --> 00:33:59,205 Boom! 601 00:33:59,372 --> 00:34:01,707 Nuh! Aww, man! 602 00:34:02,792 --> 00:34:04,377 There goes all the burritos. 603 00:34:04,919 --> 00:34:06,796 This is a conventional oven, right? 604 00:34:07,213 --> 00:34:08,673 Well, you know, 605 00:34:08,673 --> 00:34:11,926 microwaving is a pretty inexact science, Tim, so... 606 00:34:13,177 --> 00:34:16,055 You know what? Can I be blunt? 607 00:34:17,014 --> 00:34:18,349 As opposed to how you normally are? 608 00:34:18,516 --> 00:34:20,476 So how long are you planning on punishing Evan? 609 00:34:22,186 --> 00:34:25,356 Jesus, Tim. I am not talking to you about this right now. 610 00:34:25,356 --> 00:34:27,149 Yes, you are, Mandy. Damn it. 611 00:34:27,149 --> 00:34:29,318 We are gonna have this conversation right now. 612 00:34:29,318 --> 00:34:31,862 Because, you know what? Evan is a good guy. 613 00:34:31,862 --> 00:34:34,323 You know it. I know it. All right. 614 00:34:34,323 --> 00:34:36,534 So he made one mistake. 615 00:34:36,534 --> 00:34:38,411 - He's human. - Yeah, well... 616 00:34:38,411 --> 00:34:39,954 It was a pretty big mistake, Tim. 617 00:34:40,788 --> 00:34:42,331 What do you want me to say? 618 00:34:43,249 --> 00:34:46,586 Okay, yeah. Evan hurt my feelings. 619 00:34:47,420 --> 00:34:48,546 A lot. 620 00:34:50,172 --> 00:34:53,593 Yeah, I guess that's exactly what I wanted you to say. 621 00:34:54,552 --> 00:34:55,553 You said it. 622 00:34:55,803 --> 00:34:56,971 Well, yeah. 623 00:34:56,971 --> 00:35:00,808 Look, I'm not trying to pile on to you emotionally, 624 00:35:00,808 --> 00:35:01,934 Right. 625 00:35:01,934 --> 00:35:03,269 But look, we all think you're awesome. 626 00:35:03,269 --> 00:35:06,022 Yup, yup. Awesome Amanda. 627 00:35:06,022 --> 00:35:07,940 Dating me is like dating a dude. 628 00:35:07,940 --> 00:35:10,276 - It's really great. - Never heard anyone say that. 629 00:35:13,404 --> 00:35:17,408 It's not like I was expecting a fucking proposal, okay? 630 00:35:18,117 --> 00:35:21,203 And this may not have occurred to you, but it was actually 631 00:35:21,203 --> 00:35:23,539 really difficult for me to even say 632 00:35:24,874 --> 00:35:26,375 the "L" word, 633 00:35:26,375 --> 00:35:29,962 and please, do not make a lesbian joke right now. 634 00:35:29,962 --> 00:35:31,797 That seems inappropriate. I wouldn't have done that. 635 00:35:31,797 --> 00:35:33,507 You always make lesbian jokes. 636 00:35:33,507 --> 00:35:35,176 Not in front of lesbians. 637 00:35:36,260 --> 00:35:39,597 Or women, you know, with lesbian haircuts. 638 00:35:39,597 --> 00:35:40,556 Look. 639 00:35:41,682 --> 00:35:44,435 I wasn't even expecting him to say it back right away. 640 00:35:44,602 --> 00:35:47,355 But Jesus, Tim. "No?" 641 00:35:48,189 --> 00:35:49,440 Oh, yeah. 642 00:35:49,440 --> 00:35:54,028 He said no. Like what kind of a response is that? 643 00:35:54,028 --> 00:35:56,280 - Not a positive one. -Yeah. 644 00:35:57,448 --> 00:35:58,449 It would have... 645 00:35:59,492 --> 00:36:02,411 It would have honestly hurt less if he just would have said 646 00:36:02,620 --> 00:36:03,913 nothing at all. 647 00:36:06,666 --> 00:36:07,917 Hey, Evan. 648 00:36:09,669 --> 00:36:11,796 TIM: Hmm, shit. 649 00:36:12,380 --> 00:36:15,633 Mandy is upset because I was using the microwave, 650 00:36:15,633 --> 00:36:18,219 and I just didn't understand how the buttons work, 651 00:36:18,219 --> 00:36:21,597 and I blew up my burrito, and it was, like, the fourth one. 652 00:36:22,473 --> 00:36:25,017 She wanted to microwave her salad, I think and... 653 00:36:26,185 --> 00:36:27,937 - We were talking about you. -Clearly. 654 00:36:28,479 --> 00:36:30,398 Amanda Baron. 655 00:36:30,398 --> 00:36:34,735 Your friends call you Mandy, but Amanda is better, stronger. 656 00:36:34,735 --> 00:36:39,365 A name with fingernails I can dig into a man's back. 657 00:36:40,032 --> 00:36:41,367 Um... 658 00:36:41,867 --> 00:36:44,453 interesting observation. 659 00:36:47,123 --> 00:36:49,667 You smell lust. 660 00:36:51,168 --> 00:36:53,671 I can hear your heart all broken. 661 00:36:54,880 --> 00:36:56,006 And wet. 662 00:36:56,674 --> 00:36:58,467 That's really weird, okay? 663 00:36:59,176 --> 00:37:00,845 Evan doesn't deserve you. 664 00:37:02,221 --> 00:37:04,432 Perhaps you just need a woman's touch. 665 00:37:06,475 --> 00:37:08,144 Shouldn't you be answering the phones? 666 00:37:11,313 --> 00:37:12,648 I like your dress. 667 00:37:19,739 --> 00:37:21,699 No money was ever transferred. 668 00:37:21,699 --> 00:37:24,243 You can't just give yourself a checkmark. 669 00:37:24,243 --> 00:37:26,746 I put a checkmark on the board. That's a sale, man. 670 00:37:34,378 --> 00:37:36,005 Tick-tack, motherfucker. 671 00:37:44,221 --> 00:37:47,224 Yes. Yes, you can borrow 20 bucks. 672 00:37:47,391 --> 00:37:48,434 Quick. 673 00:37:49,477 --> 00:37:52,897 So please, just give me your address and your e-mail 674 00:37:52,897 --> 00:37:55,941 and your Social Security, and I'll send it out. 675 00:37:57,735 --> 00:37:58,778 Go ahead. 676 00:38:00,237 --> 00:38:02,364 One... 677 00:38:03,115 --> 00:38:06,327 Five o'clock. See you fuckers tomorrow. 678 00:38:07,411 --> 00:38:10,247 Oh, did anybody see which way Dave went? 679 00:38:17,838 --> 00:38:19,590 Hey, but I gave you 20 bucks. 680 00:38:32,478 --> 00:38:33,604 - Evan? -Oh. 681 00:38:34,438 --> 00:38:35,898 Oh. Hi, Elaine, hi. 682 00:38:37,399 --> 00:38:39,944 Sorry. Sorry you lost your job. 683 00:38:41,237 --> 00:38:42,321 Oh. 684 00:38:51,205 --> 00:38:52,498 Oh, thank you, Elaine. 685 00:38:55,376 --> 00:38:57,127 All right, man. Well, I'll see you tomorrow. 686 00:38:57,127 --> 00:38:58,420 Phallusite. 687 00:39:00,297 --> 00:39:01,841 Well, it was worth a shot. 688 00:39:06,011 --> 00:39:10,599 And you can call me Ward Cleaver 'cause I just banged out June. 689 00:39:10,599 --> 00:39:11,642 Nice. 690 00:39:12,059 --> 00:39:16,689 You can call me Uncle Ben because I just nailed May. 691 00:39:16,856 --> 00:39:17,940 Nice. 692 00:39:18,315 --> 00:39:21,652 Hey, we keep this up, we might not have to sleep here. 693 00:39:21,652 --> 00:39:23,112 Oh, Amen, brother. 694 00:39:26,115 --> 00:39:28,534 Oh shit. 695 00:39:29,118 --> 00:39:31,745 Zabeth only brought up the hard copies through July. 696 00:39:31,745 --> 00:39:33,998 Can you run downstairs and get August? 697 00:39:33,998 --> 00:39:35,291 In the basement? 698 00:39:35,291 --> 00:39:36,876 - Yeah. -Oh, man. 699 00:39:36,876 --> 00:39:39,420 That place has freaked me out ever since they found that 700 00:39:39,420 --> 00:39:40,880 whimsical gimp mask. 701 00:39:40,880 --> 00:39:42,715 You know, Elaine walked off with that. 702 00:39:43,716 --> 00:39:47,219 Come on, man. Please. Just go. Think of it as a field trip. 703 00:39:47,219 --> 00:39:49,138 You don't have to work for one minute. 704 00:39:49,138 --> 00:39:50,848 Actually, that's pretty good argument. 705 00:39:51,932 --> 00:39:53,392 There you go. 706 00:40:02,359 --> 00:40:06,488 Ooh, no, no, no, no, no. Don't do it, Evan. 707 00:40:08,866 --> 00:40:09,825 Bad idea. 708 00:40:10,910 --> 00:40:13,537 Ah, fuck that. It was my office longer than it was his. 709 00:40:20,794 --> 00:40:24,298 Oh, Jesus Christ, Zabeth. You scared the shit out of me. 710 00:40:25,716 --> 00:40:27,843 What the hell were you even doing down here? 711 00:40:32,556 --> 00:40:35,184 Oh, shit. Of course. 712 00:40:37,686 --> 00:40:39,438 Um, ass-hat? 713 00:40:42,316 --> 00:40:46,528 I thought perhaps it was Evan coming down, but now I see. 714 00:40:47,112 --> 00:40:49,740 Why send a boy to do a man's job? 715 00:40:49,740 --> 00:40:51,617 Well, I couldn't agree more. 716 00:40:51,992 --> 00:40:53,744 The douche-nozzle. 717 00:40:54,995 --> 00:40:56,956 Yeah, I should stop doing that. 718 00:40:57,414 --> 00:40:59,792 You know, I always had a thing for you, right? 719 00:41:00,709 --> 00:41:02,127 - Really? - Mm-hmm. 720 00:41:02,127 --> 00:41:06,006 'Cause I always thought you wanted me to die in a car fire. 721 00:41:06,173 --> 00:41:09,718 Oh, no, no, no, no. Why would my baby think of me like that? 722 00:41:09,718 --> 00:41:14,014 Because you said, "Andrew, I hope you die in a car fire." 723 00:41:16,642 --> 00:41:18,686 Got some new hires, huh? 724 00:41:21,105 --> 00:41:22,523 Well, that's not a surprise. 725 00:41:22,523 --> 00:41:26,944 You were very specific to the make, the model, the mileage. 726 00:41:26,944 --> 00:41:29,405 Oh, no] no] no, no, non. 727 00:41:29,405 --> 00:41:32,116 I was just wasting my time pining on Evan. 728 00:41:32,116 --> 00:41:34,910 And Evan is just that. 729 00:41:35,327 --> 00:41:36,412 A waste. 730 00:41:41,000 --> 00:41:44,503 Oh, Max. You sick fuck. 731 00:41:44,503 --> 00:41:47,297 Okay, come on. Evan's my friend, 732 00:41:47,297 --> 00:41:49,591 and he's the only person in this office who... 733 00:41:49,591 --> 00:41:51,677 - Aah! - You're right. Fuck that guy. 734 00:41:52,219 --> 00:41:53,595 Well, Tim. I mean... 735 00:41:54,596 --> 00:41:55,973 What? Really? 736 00:41:57,349 --> 00:41:58,976 Oh, what are you doing, pilates? How do... 737 00:42:01,145 --> 00:42:02,187 Well... 738 00:42:03,355 --> 00:42:06,859 What? I'm the one person in the office 739 00:42:06,859 --> 00:42:08,736 you haven't made a decision on. 740 00:42:10,320 --> 00:42:11,739 Okay, full disclaimer. 741 00:42:11,739 --> 00:42:14,116 There might be some slight discoloration issues down there, 742 00:42:14,116 --> 00:42:16,118 but if it helps, you can pretend you're boning the Hulk. 743 00:42:16,326 --> 00:42:17,661 Actually, I don't want to over promise that. 744 00:42:17,661 --> 00:42:18,787 Let's go with Kermit. 745 00:42:19,121 --> 00:42:20,581 Ho-ha! 746 00:42:20,914 --> 00:42:23,542 Huh! Well, well, well. 747 00:42:24,752 --> 00:42:28,797 My buddy Ted will be very interested in this. 748 00:42:29,673 --> 00:42:32,301 I have severely underestimated the versatility 749 00:42:32,301 --> 00:42:33,969 of Anne Taylor Loft. 750 00:42:36,305 --> 00:42:38,766 Oh, God! You bit my lip. 751 00:42:38,766 --> 00:42:41,101 Do we need a safe word? Oh! 752 00:42:41,101 --> 00:42:42,186 Scream for me. 753 00:42:42,186 --> 00:42:45,105 Okay. You know what? I'm as kinky as the next guy. 754 00:42:49,026 --> 00:42:50,569 Well, you have Zabeth. 755 00:42:51,820 --> 00:42:53,113 Oh, God! 756 00:42:53,113 --> 00:42:55,240 Okay, I took a self-defense class for women 757 00:42:55,240 --> 00:42:57,493 to pick up chicks, and the shit they teach you there is nasty. 758 00:42:58,285 --> 00:43:01,038 Dave? What the hell does he do? 759 00:43:01,038 --> 00:43:04,458 No! Foot stomp, eye gouge, crotch kick. 760 00:43:04,458 --> 00:43:06,168 - Excellent suggestion. - Ah! 761 00:43:12,132 --> 00:43:13,300 Well, that's different. 762 00:43:21,934 --> 00:43:23,310 Oh, God! 763 00:43:23,310 --> 00:43:25,604 I will still fuck you if you scream. 764 00:43:25,979 --> 00:43:27,314 What the hell does that mean? 765 00:43:27,564 --> 00:43:29,817 Oh, God! 766 00:43:30,567 --> 00:43:32,111 I just didn't say when. 767 00:43:36,865 --> 00:43:38,325 All right, Max. 768 00:43:39,660 --> 00:43:43,038 We'll see what Ted has to say about this. 769 00:43:46,875 --> 00:43:51,338 Oh, man, you would not believe what I... 770 00:43:51,338 --> 00:43:55,509 Are you... Son of a bitch! If you bailed on me... 771 00:44:00,681 --> 00:44:02,141 Andrew? 772 00:44:04,518 --> 00:44:08,063 Dude, if this is another fucking bit like Mike's... 773 00:44:08,772 --> 00:44:11,400 - Run. -Whoa, whoa, whoa! 774 00:44:11,400 --> 00:44:14,736 Oh, shit! Andrew, you all right? 775 00:44:14,736 --> 00:44:17,072 Okay, okay, hold on. I'm gonna get help. 776 00:44:59,198 --> 00:45:01,491 What the fuck is happening? 777 00:45:04,661 --> 00:45:06,830 Somebody here went to Harvard? 778 00:45:20,344 --> 00:45:22,721 Who the fuck would do this? 779 00:45:27,893 --> 00:45:28,936 Max. 780 00:45:32,105 --> 00:45:37,194 Max. You fucking asshole. 781 00:46:11,937 --> 00:46:13,188 Oh fuck! 782 00:46:17,693 --> 00:46:19,194 Oh, come on 783 00:46:22,614 --> 00:46:24,825 Amanda. Amanda, it's me. I'm at the office. 784 00:46:24,825 --> 00:46:26,451 I just saw Andrew get killed. 785 00:46:26,451 --> 00:46:29,329 And now they're after me, and I think it's Max. 786 00:46:29,329 --> 00:46:31,331 MAX: Oh, gosh, buddy. That hurts my feelings. 787 00:46:31,999 --> 00:46:35,085 I'm sure Amanda is great in a crisis, 788 00:46:35,252 --> 00:46:38,088 but don't you think this call is more suited to 911? 789 00:46:38,255 --> 00:46:39,715 What have you done with Amanda? 790 00:46:39,715 --> 00:46:44,094 I just devoured her fabulous Ossobuco 791 00:46:44,261 --> 00:46:47,347 Who knew Mandy was such a demon in the kitchen? 792 00:46:47,347 --> 00:46:50,934 Absolutely open another bottle as long as it's red. 793 00:46:51,893 --> 00:46:52,978 What? 794 00:46:55,856 --> 00:46:58,900 Max, you son of a bitch. You listen to me, right now! 795 00:47:00,027 --> 00:47:02,112 - Oh, fuck! -Do I hear banging? 796 00:47:03,030 --> 00:47:05,991 On your end. I mean, there's no banging happening here, yet. 797 00:47:08,118 --> 00:47:10,454 Wait, are you on my phone? 798 00:47:10,454 --> 00:47:11,913 It's Evan calling to tell us 799 00:47:11,913 --> 00:47:15,334 he's absolutely crushing the presentation tomorrow. 800 00:47:15,500 --> 00:47:16,585 Do you want to talk to him? 801 00:47:18,295 --> 00:47:22,174 Uh, no. No, it's okay. 802 00:47:23,300 --> 00:47:24,384 Amanda! 803 00:47:24,384 --> 00:47:25,635 Sorry, buddy. You're stuck with me. 804 00:47:27,679 --> 00:47:29,931 God damn it, Max. I swear to God 805 00:47:29,931 --> 00:47:31,850 if you lay one finger on her... 806 00:47:33,310 --> 00:47:36,229 I think you better focus on your own problems, bro. 807 00:47:36,229 --> 00:47:37,522 But I'll give Amanda your best. 808 00:47:39,358 --> 00:47:41,860 Actually, I'll give her mine. 809 00:47:41,860 --> 00:47:44,321 - Max, no. -It's better. 810 00:47:45,989 --> 00:47:48,784 Max! Fuck! 811 00:47:48,784 --> 00:47:52,037 Fuck! Fuck-ety fuck! Fuck! 812 00:47:55,332 --> 00:47:57,542 Situation is suited for 911, huh? 813 00:48:01,963 --> 00:48:03,799 Fuck it. That was stupid. 814 00:48:06,176 --> 00:48:08,178 All right. Where were we? 815 00:48:08,345 --> 00:48:10,514 "Where are we?" 816 00:48:11,807 --> 00:48:13,683 Is the more pertinent question. 817 00:48:15,227 --> 00:48:17,145 - What? -You... 818 00:48:18,855 --> 00:48:20,524 have beautiful eyes. 819 00:48:26,363 --> 00:48:28,198 Uh, we should get started. 820 00:48:29,116 --> 00:48:31,535 We have the whole company to get through, so... 821 00:48:34,704 --> 00:48:36,331 Don't I know it. 822 00:48:48,593 --> 00:48:50,595 Ah! 823 00:48:50,595 --> 00:48:53,515 Hey, Ted. Oww. 824 00:48:54,182 --> 00:48:56,184 Mind explaining yourself? 825 00:48:56,184 --> 00:48:57,519 Ted's here. 826 00:48:57,519 --> 00:49:00,772 I, uh, I don't know. I don't know. 827 00:49:00,772 --> 00:49:04,192 I, uh, was working on the presentation. 828 00:49:04,192 --> 00:49:06,987 And uh... Oh, my God! Andrew! 829 00:49:06,987 --> 00:49:08,572 "Oh, my God, Andrew," is right. 830 00:49:08,572 --> 00:49:10,532 Without him, today would have been a total disaster. 831 00:49:10,532 --> 00:49:13,118 What? No, no. Andrew is dead. 832 00:49:13,118 --> 00:49:14,995 Dead tired after that all-nighter. 833 00:49:16,163 --> 00:49:19,416 The presentation. Signed, sealed, and delivered. 834 00:49:20,250 --> 00:49:23,420 Andrew, you start prepping my office for the Phallusite. 835 00:49:24,296 --> 00:49:26,590 I want you to run this presentation today. 836 00:49:26,590 --> 00:49:27,841 You got it, boss. 837 00:49:28,008 --> 00:49:29,426 Bounce. 838 00:49:30,427 --> 00:49:33,096 Evan, what the hell happened to you? 839 00:49:33,096 --> 00:49:36,016 You've always been a model employee, but I... 840 00:49:36,016 --> 00:49:39,603 I can't overlook a pooch-screwing this monumental. 841 00:49:39,603 --> 00:49:41,771 Ted. Ted, Ted. 842 00:49:42,814 --> 00:49:44,357 Let's not be hasty. 843 00:49:44,357 --> 00:49:47,652 Andrew finished the job but Evan laid down the groundwork. 844 00:49:48,361 --> 00:49:49,571 Look at this poor fellow. 845 00:49:50,155 --> 00:49:52,240 He was just passed over for a promotion. 846 00:49:52,240 --> 00:49:53,783 He slept in the supply closet, 847 00:49:53,783 --> 00:49:55,827 and he smells like a dead wharf hooker. 848 00:49:55,827 --> 00:49:58,830 - You smell it now? -He's just having a rough patch. 849 00:49:58,830 --> 00:50:00,540 Let's give him a pass on this one, okay? 850 00:50:03,126 --> 00:50:04,544 I... 851 00:50:10,550 --> 00:50:12,093 Max brought doughnuts. 852 00:50:18,016 --> 00:50:20,310 I would love to tell you about our exceptional product, 853 00:50:20,477 --> 00:50:24,105 Abinatrix. Abinatrix is 100% natural. 854 00:50:24,105 --> 00:50:26,733 Abinatrix is for everyone of all ages. 855 00:50:27,651 --> 00:50:30,278 Dude, that sucked man. 856 00:50:31,905 --> 00:50:34,533 Abinatrix is recommended by most doctors. 857 00:50:34,533 --> 00:50:37,327 No, I don't understand what the hell is going on. 858 00:50:37,494 --> 00:50:40,914 I did not imagine all that stuff last night, Tim. 859 00:50:40,914 --> 00:50:43,124 And why the hell did Max save my job? 860 00:50:43,583 --> 00:50:45,418 You know what, man? I thought that was weird too, 861 00:50:45,418 --> 00:50:47,295 but on the plus side, 862 00:50:47,295 --> 00:50:49,839 at least he didn't turn you into a vampire like everyone else. 863 00:50:51,091 --> 00:50:52,717 Mom, look, just buy Abinatrix all right? 864 00:50:52,717 --> 00:50:53,885 What? 865 00:50:53,885 --> 00:50:56,555 I haven't had a sale all month and I'm going to get fired. 866 00:50:56,555 --> 00:50:58,682 Dude, what are you doing? That was going to be my first sale. 867 00:50:58,682 --> 00:51:01,726 Tim! Vampires? 868 00:51:01,726 --> 00:51:03,770 Oh, okay. Well, 869 00:51:04,271 --> 00:51:06,815 it's just a few things I've been noticing here and there. 870 00:51:12,737 --> 00:51:14,114 A shoe? 871 00:51:16,032 --> 00:51:18,785 - That was your evidence? -Well, I'm not done yet. 872 00:51:28,920 --> 00:51:31,590 Okay, that is significantly weirder 873 00:51:31,590 --> 00:51:33,883 and Zabeth has been acting strangely. 874 00:51:33,883 --> 00:51:36,803 Agreed, but what really convinced me... 875 00:51:36,803 --> 00:51:39,389 Poor, poor, Elaine. 876 00:51:39,848 --> 00:51:42,934 All ginger and no joy. 877 00:51:43,602 --> 00:51:46,855 - I don't-I don't mind. -Yes, you do. 878 00:51:46,855 --> 00:51:49,983 - Oh, that's... -I want you so bad. 879 00:51:49,983 --> 00:51:52,402 Oh, I am so busy. 880 00:51:52,402 --> 00:51:53,987 I can't. I can't. 881 00:51:55,071 --> 00:51:57,907 Uh, I'm, I'm a virgin. 882 00:51:59,117 --> 00:52:00,452 You all are. 883 00:52:12,714 --> 00:52:17,010 So basically, I saw Max turn Elaine into a vampire, ergo... 884 00:52:17,010 --> 00:52:20,972 - Max is a vampire. -The head vampire, presumably. 885 00:52:20,972 --> 00:52:23,892 Right. This all started after he got here. 886 00:52:23,892 --> 00:52:26,394 - It's only logical. -AMANDA: Logical? 887 00:52:27,145 --> 00:52:29,773 Oh, there's a part of this story that you guys think is logical? 888 00:52:29,773 --> 00:52:31,858 Well, maybe not logical, but true. 889 00:52:32,651 --> 00:52:34,944 I don't know what kind of a game you're trying to play here, Evan 890 00:52:34,944 --> 00:52:38,323 but it is not funny or endearing or working. 891 00:52:38,323 --> 00:52:40,408 And you, you let him drag you into this too? 892 00:52:40,617 --> 00:52:42,202 I thought you were smarter than that. 893 00:52:42,202 --> 00:52:43,703 - Really? -Really? 894 00:52:43,703 --> 00:52:46,206 - And today of all days. -What day is it? 895 00:52:46,206 --> 00:52:48,291 I knew that you were selfish and immature, Evan, 896 00:52:48,291 --> 00:52:50,835 but I did not think that you would commit career suicide 897 00:52:50,835 --> 00:52:52,379 to impress me, it's, It's pretty lame. 898 00:52:52,379 --> 00:52:55,799 Damn it, Amanda! I'm not trying to commit career suicide. 899 00:52:55,799 --> 00:52:59,052 I'm trying to prevent career homicide! 900 00:52:59,052 --> 00:53:00,345 Oh, good one. 901 00:53:00,345 --> 00:53:03,139 Oh, well, yeah, it just came out. 902 00:53:04,099 --> 00:53:05,433 We have to get out of here. 903 00:53:05,433 --> 00:53:08,311 The only thing I have to do is that Phallusite presentation 904 00:53:08,311 --> 00:53:11,272 because I actually give a shit about my job, so... 905 00:53:11,272 --> 00:53:12,941 - Touche. -Wait, wait, wait. Wait. 906 00:53:12,941 --> 00:53:15,735 - How do you explain Andrew? -What about Andrew? 907 00:53:15,735 --> 00:53:18,071 He stayed here all night working. He looks amazing. 908 00:53:18,071 --> 00:53:19,989 - Yeah, he does. -Exactly! 909 00:53:19,989 --> 00:53:22,200 You don't think that proves supernatural forces 910 00:53:22,200 --> 00:53:23,326 are at work here? 911 00:53:23,326 --> 00:53:24,911 All right, Evan, I'm done. I'm clone with-- 912 00:53:24,911 --> 00:53:27,372 What? Amanda! Amanda, wait, wait, wait. Wait. 913 00:53:27,372 --> 00:53:31,710 Please, wait. I know this all sounds crazy. I know. 914 00:53:31,710 --> 00:53:33,962 But please, you have to believe me. 915 00:53:35,547 --> 00:53:36,756 I love you. 916 00:53:40,051 --> 00:53:41,428 No. 917 00:53:43,930 --> 00:53:46,099 So that's what it sounded like. 918 00:53:47,142 --> 00:53:49,519 Fuck it. I don't care if she hates me forever, 919 00:53:49,519 --> 00:53:51,312 I am not letting the woman I love 920 00:53:51,312 --> 00:53:53,606 get turned into a blood-sucking vampire. 921 00:53:53,606 --> 00:53:55,275 Bam-snap! 922 00:53:58,695 --> 00:53:59,779 What? 923 00:54:02,615 --> 00:54:06,077 Is it just me or is this office getting darker? 924 00:54:06,077 --> 00:54:09,956 - And colder too. Look. -Oh. 925 00:54:11,833 --> 00:54:14,419 Okay, it's time we alert the authorities. 926 00:54:14,419 --> 00:54:15,920 - You mean call the cops? -Yes. 927 00:54:15,920 --> 00:54:17,172 And tell them what? 928 00:54:17,172 --> 00:54:20,091 I mean, everybody that we want to report is dead, is here... 929 00:54:20,842 --> 00:54:22,886 - And working. -Shit. 930 00:54:24,179 --> 00:54:25,889 Or turned to food. 931 00:54:25,889 --> 00:54:29,017 Oh, god! That was Mike's real body. 932 00:54:29,434 --> 00:54:30,602 Grody. 933 00:54:31,811 --> 00:54:33,813 Oh, poor Andrew. 934 00:54:34,898 --> 00:54:37,442 Hey, we did get a bell. Bitchin'. 935 00:54:37,901 --> 00:54:39,027 It's a great idea. 936 00:54:39,027 --> 00:54:41,029 I think Max really listens to what I have to say. 937 00:54:42,113 --> 00:54:43,156 Dave. 938 00:54:45,909 --> 00:54:50,747 Andrew has 14 sales today? Fuck! 939 00:54:51,539 --> 00:54:54,167 He's totally going to win that Chili's gift certificate. 940 00:54:54,167 --> 00:54:55,460 Look, we need to get Amanda 941 00:54:55,460 --> 00:54:57,003 and we need to get the fuck out of here. 942 00:54:57,003 --> 00:54:58,630 Everyone in this office has been turned-- 943 00:54:58,630 --> 00:55:01,341 Well, not everyone. 944 00:55:02,550 --> 00:55:03,510 Come on. 945 00:55:06,888 --> 00:55:10,809 Anybody need anything from the... break room. 946 00:55:18,149 --> 00:55:20,235 - Colonel Sanders. -At ease, Soldier. 947 00:55:20,235 --> 00:55:22,362 No, no, no, not at ease. It's war time. 948 00:55:22,862 --> 00:55:25,448 Right, right, right. Yeah. I, uh... 949 00:55:25,448 --> 00:55:26,783 - Attention. -Attention. 950 00:55:27,575 --> 00:55:30,578 Frank, we need your help, okay? 951 00:55:30,578 --> 00:55:33,122 This is going to sound insane, 952 00:55:33,122 --> 00:55:35,583 but the entire office has been turned into-- 953 00:55:35,583 --> 00:55:37,335 Vampires. Affirmative, sir. 954 00:55:39,295 --> 00:55:41,464 What? What, you know? 955 00:56:05,113 --> 00:56:07,365 Oh! Did I not mention that Frank was there? 956 00:56:07,365 --> 00:56:10,118 No, Tim. God damn it. No, you didn't. 957 00:56:10,118 --> 00:56:11,703 Sorry, my bad. 958 00:56:11,703 --> 00:56:13,037 We hang out a lot actually. 959 00:56:13,037 --> 00:56:14,330 By the way, how amazing was that 960 00:56:14,330 --> 00:56:15,707 Kelly Clarkson concert last night? 961 00:56:15,707 --> 00:56:18,167 American Idol? More like American Treasure. 962 00:56:18,167 --> 00:56:19,335 Her voice literally sings. 963 00:56:19,335 --> 00:56:20,753 - It does sing. -Her singing sings. 964 00:56:20,753 --> 00:56:22,505 Oh, how did you get home? I blacked out. 965 00:56:22,505 --> 00:56:24,883 This is not what we're here to talk about. 966 00:56:24,883 --> 00:56:27,135 We need to get upstairs, Frank, we need your help. 967 00:56:27,135 --> 00:56:29,596 We need to get Amanda and we need to get the hell out of dodge. 968 00:56:29,596 --> 00:56:30,930 No, no, no, we can't just go up there. 969 00:56:30,930 --> 00:56:33,224 The place is a den of the undead right now. 970 00:56:33,224 --> 00:56:36,019 We need to arm ourselves. We need weapons and shit. 971 00:56:36,019 --> 00:56:37,645 I was waiting for you to say that. 972 00:56:38,855 --> 00:56:40,064 I've got just the thing. 973 00:56:44,485 --> 00:56:46,404 'Weapons! 'okay! Okay. 974 00:56:51,284 --> 00:56:54,495 When she came after that second encore, I was like, "whaaat!" 975 00:56:55,538 --> 00:56:56,706 Almost fainted. 976 00:56:56,873 --> 00:56:58,875 What kills vampires? 977 00:56:58,875 --> 00:56:59,959 - Stakes. -Yeah. 978 00:56:59,959 --> 00:57:01,711 Anything wooden you can jam into their heart. 979 00:57:01,711 --> 00:57:04,505 Or a sharp blade. Decapitations work too. 980 00:57:06,549 --> 00:57:08,259 Did you think this was my first vamp hunt? 981 00:57:08,259 --> 00:57:10,345 I'm a licensed security guard. 982 00:57:10,345 --> 00:57:12,847 You don't get this patch without dusting a few puncture monkeys. 983 00:57:18,603 --> 00:57:20,563 I looked some stuff up on Wikipedia. 984 00:57:20,813 --> 00:57:22,482 Oh. 985 00:57:22,482 --> 00:57:24,901 All right, what else? Holy water, garlic? 986 00:57:24,901 --> 00:57:27,487 Ooh, I make a really good 40-clove chicken. 987 00:57:29,072 --> 00:57:31,658 But we probably don't have time for that right now, guys. 988 00:57:31,658 --> 00:57:33,159 Sunlight. That burns them up. 989 00:57:33,159 --> 00:57:34,994 Wait, wait, wait, wait. Does it? 990 00:57:34,994 --> 00:57:36,704 Because, I mean, it's daytime right now 991 00:57:36,704 --> 00:57:38,539 and they don't seem to be too bothered by it. 992 00:57:38,539 --> 00:57:41,542 Correct, but that's because this facility has a limited number 993 00:57:41,542 --> 00:57:43,586 of windows to minimize visual distractions 994 00:57:43,586 --> 00:57:45,463 and maximize climate control and security. 995 00:57:45,463 --> 00:57:48,007 You're telling me sunlight does kill vampires, 996 00:57:48,007 --> 00:57:50,927 but we get so little of it in this fluorescent shithole, 997 00:57:50,927 --> 00:57:52,720 that they're just fine? 998 00:57:54,472 --> 00:57:57,809 - Good god, that's depressing. -Yes, sir, it is. 999 00:58:02,146 --> 00:58:05,817 Sir, I swear to god there was an arsenal 1000 00:58:05,817 --> 00:58:09,195 of immense proportions in this van this morning. 1001 00:58:10,613 --> 00:58:12,824 Someone has violated 1002 00:58:12,824 --> 00:58:15,660 the sovereignty of my vehicular transport. 1003 00:58:15,660 --> 00:58:17,453 They got your stereo, too. 1004 00:58:18,037 --> 00:58:19,747 - Oh, son of a bitch. -Hey! 1005 00:58:21,165 --> 00:58:25,420 Oh, my god! Man, hey, hey. You can't just... Okay, okay. 1006 00:58:25,420 --> 00:58:26,879 Listen, we need your help. 1007 00:58:26,879 --> 00:58:29,090 All right, this is going to sound insane, 1008 00:58:29,090 --> 00:58:31,592 but the entire office has been turned into-- 1009 00:58:31,592 --> 00:58:33,094 Vampires, yeah. 1010 00:58:33,094 --> 00:58:36,097 - Did everybody know but me? -Yeah, it seems that way. 1011 00:58:36,097 --> 00:58:37,640 Oh, fuck! 1012 00:58:37,640 --> 00:58:40,184 Oh, my god, you're a vampire! Holy shit! 1013 00:58:40,184 --> 00:58:42,061 Max turned the fucking janitor. 1014 00:58:42,061 --> 00:58:44,272 Well, that one actually makes sense if you think about it. 1015 00:58:44,272 --> 00:58:45,773 You're creating a lot of dead bodies-- 1016 00:58:45,773 --> 00:58:47,025 Yeah, you got blood. 1017 00:58:47,025 --> 00:58:48,317 It's smeared all over the walls, man. 1018 00:58:48,317 --> 00:58:50,194 People are struggling, they're breaking things. 1019 00:58:50,194 --> 00:58:52,113 You got vans coming in full of weapons. 1020 00:58:52,113 --> 00:58:54,741 - You got to clear that out. -Okay, okay, I get it. 1021 00:58:54,741 --> 00:58:56,826 I get it. All right, yeah. Great idea. 1022 00:58:56,993 --> 00:59:00,121 - He's still a fucking asshole. -Did you guys really not notice? 1023 00:59:00,121 --> 00:59:02,665 He turned me day one. I've been a vampire this whole... 1024 00:59:02,665 --> 00:59:05,126 I-I chased you through the cubicles. 1025 00:59:05,126 --> 00:59:07,670 Last night? That was you? Um... 1026 00:59:08,504 --> 00:59:10,882 It was really dark. I mean, I was scared. 1027 00:59:10,882 --> 00:59:13,176 Look, it's not personal. We just don't know you that well. 1028 00:59:13,176 --> 00:59:14,844 Yeah. No, no, no. Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. 1029 00:59:14,844 --> 00:59:18,014 You know? I mean, we work upstairs, we're busy and you... 1030 00:59:18,014 --> 00:59:19,724 Well, how about his? 1031 00:59:21,809 --> 00:59:24,854 That's, that's scary, yeah. 1032 00:59:25,021 --> 00:59:28,274 - The teeth-- -Don't patronize me! God! 1033 00:59:28,274 --> 00:59:29,859 Do you even know my name? 1034 00:59:31,110 --> 00:59:32,320 - Janitor? -Janitor. 1035 00:59:34,072 --> 00:59:36,783 Always keep a provisional weapon on your person. 1036 00:59:41,454 --> 00:59:42,747 Wait, where? 1037 00:59:44,749 --> 00:59:46,209 In my-- 1038 00:59:52,799 --> 00:59:54,550 Wikipedia did not mention that. 1039 01:00:02,266 --> 01:00:04,811 No, no, no. Okay, okay, wait, wait. 1040 01:00:04,811 --> 01:00:06,896 This means that they can die, all right? 1041 01:00:07,063 --> 01:00:09,398 You just need to find weapons. 1042 01:00:09,398 --> 01:00:11,776 Oh, hey, maybe the janitor put Frank's weapons in... 1043 01:00:13,945 --> 01:00:16,864 Oh, god, how have they not dumped the bodies yet? 1044 01:00:16,864 --> 01:00:18,741 Trash pick up is on Saturdays 1045 01:00:18,741 --> 01:00:20,493 unless you make a special request, 1046 01:00:20,493 --> 01:00:22,036 but that's like 60 bucks. 1047 01:00:22,870 --> 01:00:24,080 Seriously? 1048 01:00:25,665 --> 01:00:27,834 God, this fucking company sucks. 1049 01:00:29,085 --> 01:00:30,586 I've got towels in my car. 1050 01:00:38,344 --> 01:00:41,139 Hi, we're the Phallusite Corporation. 1051 01:00:41,139 --> 01:00:42,557 We have a 4 o'clock meeting? 1052 01:00:44,016 --> 01:00:45,434 Meeting's canceled. 1053 01:00:50,648 --> 01:00:52,608 Go. Go. Go, go, go, 90- 1054 01:00:55,945 --> 01:00:57,405 Say what you want about Elaine, 1055 01:00:57,405 --> 01:01:00,741 she always did stock the shit out of the supply closet. 1056 01:01:00,741 --> 01:01:02,243 Bam-snap! 1057 01:01:03,411 --> 01:01:04,954 That's growing on me. 1058 01:01:21,429 --> 01:01:22,555 What? 1059 01:01:34,734 --> 01:01:38,237 - Bam-snap! -Yeah! 1060 01:01:40,489 --> 01:01:42,950 Today, we become men. 1061 01:01:43,910 --> 01:01:46,746 - Or vampires. -Or dead. 1062 01:01:53,711 --> 01:01:55,421 God, Frank, what's wrong with you? 1063 01:01:56,172 --> 01:01:57,715 It's bull piss. 1064 01:02:00,927 --> 01:02:02,261 Let's be jazzed. 1065 01:02:03,179 --> 01:02:04,972 How many of those do you drink a day? 1066 01:02:05,973 --> 01:02:07,558 As many as it takes. 1067 01:02:11,520 --> 01:02:13,856 Jeez, the vampire that probably takes a bite out of you 1068 01:02:13,856 --> 01:02:15,441 is going to be up for a week. 1069 01:02:40,258 --> 01:02:42,093 Okay, there's a lot of them. 1070 01:02:43,094 --> 01:02:44,845 Let's focus. 1071 01:02:44,845 --> 01:02:47,223 We get into Ted's office, we grab Mandy, 1072 01:02:47,223 --> 01:02:50,184 -we get out of here. -We got your back, Colonel. 1073 01:02:50,977 --> 01:02:54,313 Colonel Sanders. 1074 01:02:56,732 --> 01:02:58,192 Like the chicken guy. 1075 01:03:00,152 --> 01:03:01,570 I just got that. 1076 01:03:03,406 --> 01:03:07,326 All right, vam time. Focus. 1077 01:03:14,333 --> 01:03:16,544 Okay, okay, okay. No sudden movements, all right? 1078 01:03:16,544 --> 01:03:19,380 Just calm careful motions. Like you're playing Jenga. 1079 01:03:22,967 --> 01:03:25,344 So, you know, generally it's got to be some kind of pass. 1080 01:03:25,344 --> 01:03:27,513 - People call yet? -No, not yet. 1081 01:03:27,513 --> 01:03:29,265 Maybe they're stuck in traffic. 1082 01:03:31,267 --> 01:03:33,102 I don't recognize a lot of these people. 1083 01:03:33,602 --> 01:03:36,397 That, that's the IT guy. There's Marketing. 1084 01:03:36,397 --> 01:03:38,649 There's the Customer Service Call center. 1085 01:03:38,649 --> 01:03:41,569 - I hired everyone in there. -That is ironic. 1086 01:03:42,403 --> 01:03:43,612 Only if they eat us. 1087 01:03:44,697 --> 01:03:45,656 Tim. 1088 01:03:46,407 --> 01:03:50,161 What? Oh, did I jinx us? My bad. 1089 01:03:54,165 --> 01:03:56,500 Sanders, what the hell are you doing? 1090 01:03:56,500 --> 01:03:58,419 Have, have you lost your mind? 1091 01:03:58,419 --> 01:04:02,131 Amanda, I love you, but you have no idea whats going on here. 1092 01:04:02,298 --> 01:04:07,595 - Now you're saying way too much. -Tim... Ted, we have a problem. 1093 01:04:07,595 --> 01:04:12,641 Max, in addition to being a douchebag, is also a vampire 1094 01:04:12,808 --> 01:04:14,727 and he's turning every one of your employees 1095 01:04:14,727 --> 01:04:16,604 from the janitor on up. 1096 01:04:16,604 --> 01:04:19,940 By the way, your neck-biting custodial buddy 1097 01:04:19,940 --> 01:04:23,110 is doing his best impression of a Jackson Pollock painting 1098 01:04:23,110 --> 01:04:24,528 in the parking garage. 1099 01:04:24,528 --> 01:04:26,489 - Bam-snap! -AMANDA: Jesus Christ. 1100 01:04:26,489 --> 01:04:28,074 Evan, what the fuck have you done? 1101 01:04:28,074 --> 01:04:32,036 Do you have any idea how hard it is to find good custodial help? 1102 01:04:32,036 --> 01:04:33,496 You popped Jerry? 1103 01:04:33,496 --> 01:04:34,914 - Jerry. -Jerry. 1104 01:04:34,914 --> 01:04:36,832 - That sounds familiar. -That was... Yeah. Yeah. 1105 01:04:36,832 --> 01:04:38,751 - That was so embarrassing. -I was like... 1106 01:04:38,751 --> 01:04:40,711 Did you just miss the whole un-dead thing, sir? 1107 01:04:40,711 --> 01:04:41,796 Yeah. 1108 01:04:41,796 --> 01:04:44,590 God damn it, I know they're vampires. 1109 01:04:44,590 --> 01:04:47,134 Uh, wait. What? 1110 01:04:47,134 --> 01:04:49,428 I track how many paperclips we use per quarter, 1111 01:04:49,428 --> 01:04:52,181 you think I wouldn't notice a vampire company take-over? 1112 01:04:52,348 --> 01:04:54,016 How many paperclips do we use per quarter? 1113 01:04:54,016 --> 01:04:57,395 - Tim! -Uh, last quarter, 22415. 1114 01:04:57,395 --> 01:05:00,940 See? Look at him. He's a model employee now. 1115 01:05:00,940 --> 01:05:04,026 Wait, you did this intentionally? 1116 01:05:04,026 --> 01:05:06,612 Corporate was threatening to shut down the entire branch, 1117 01:05:06,612 --> 01:05:09,240 I simply presented Ted with an alternative. 1118 01:05:09,240 --> 01:05:11,742 His methods may seem a little unorthodox, 1119 01:05:11,742 --> 01:05:14,036 but you can't argue with the results. 1120 01:05:14,036 --> 01:05:17,832 After your little stunt in college! 1121 01:05:19,917 --> 01:05:21,752 The only school that would take me 1122 01:05:21,752 --> 01:05:25,089 was this university in Romania. 1123 01:05:26,298 --> 01:05:29,885 But it turns out, it had a very unique MBA program, 1124 01:05:30,719 --> 01:05:34,515 a whole new paradigm in business management 1125 01:05:34,515 --> 01:05:39,478 What? Turning your employees into vampires? That's sick! 1126 01:05:39,478 --> 01:05:41,605 Evan, this company was sick. 1127 01:05:41,605 --> 01:05:44,150 Employees calling in with fake, dead grandmothers 1128 01:05:44,150 --> 01:05:45,860 so that they could go out to the ballpark. 1129 01:05:45,860 --> 01:05:48,237 Video game tournaments during office hours, 1130 01:05:48,404 --> 01:05:51,115 and look at your browser histories. 1131 01:05:51,115 --> 01:05:54,618 - I know you watch porn all clay. -That was mainly Mike. 1132 01:05:54,618 --> 01:05:56,537 At least now we have a future. 1133 01:05:56,537 --> 01:06:00,624 Yeah, funny your usage of the word "we" there. 1134 01:06:01,542 --> 01:06:02,835 What's that supposed to mean? 1135 01:06:02,835 --> 01:06:04,962 Max was gonna fucking eat you. 1136 01:06:04,962 --> 01:06:06,672 I saw it in his files. 1137 01:06:06,672 --> 01:06:08,549 Why do you think he hasn't turned you yet, Ted? 1138 01:06:08,549 --> 01:06:12,803 He was going to turn me last. Make it special with candles. 1139 01:06:12,803 --> 01:06:14,889 - Oh. -That makes sense. 1140 01:06:20,102 --> 01:06:21,770 You were going to force me out? 1141 01:06:22,188 --> 01:06:24,982 Hey, quick, while you still have time, Ted. Fire this-- 1142 01:06:25,191 --> 01:06:27,109 Oh god! 1143 01:06:27,109 --> 01:06:29,445 It actually works. He really did that. 1144 01:06:29,445 --> 01:06:34,825 That is the worst part of this job. Firing people. 1145 01:06:34,825 --> 01:06:37,495 Oh, shit. Jeez. He just... 1146 01:06:37,495 --> 01:06:39,371 - Hey, Mandy. -His neck-- 1147 01:06:39,371 --> 01:06:42,333 Have you not been listening this entire time? 1148 01:06:42,333 --> 01:06:44,877 We are vampires. That's what we do. 1149 01:06:44,877 --> 01:06:47,713 We get... Still sounds so weird saying vampires. 1150 01:06:47,713 --> 01:06:49,673 So you just do it? 1151 01:06:49,673 --> 01:06:51,884 It's true. Amanda you got to start working 1152 01:06:51,884 --> 01:06:54,303 on your stubbornness if you want to be a part of the team. 1153 01:06:54,470 --> 01:06:57,014 Oh! Fuck your team, Max! 1154 01:06:57,014 --> 01:07:01,393 I'm taking Amanda and we're walking out of here un-undead. 1155 01:07:01,393 --> 01:07:02,770 Is that so? 1156 01:07:03,229 --> 01:07:05,731 Yeah, I'm gonna, I'm gonna do that. 1157 01:07:05,731 --> 01:07:06,690 Oh. 1158 01:07:08,776 --> 01:07:10,778 - Okay -Okay? 1159 01:07:10,778 --> 01:07:12,279 Well, show yourselves out. 1160 01:07:13,322 --> 01:07:16,450 Can I have a thing, maybe a... This will do. 1161 01:07:17,409 --> 01:07:19,995 - Bye, gang. -Okay, yeah. 1162 01:07:19,995 --> 01:07:21,705 - See you guys. -See you, man. 1163 01:07:21,705 --> 01:07:24,166 You got that? You got the door? 1164 01:07:24,166 --> 01:07:25,668 Back up. Back up! 1165 01:07:27,253 --> 01:07:28,462 Holy shit! 1166 01:07:29,547 --> 01:07:32,258 - Are all these people vampires? -Yes, ma'am. 1167 01:07:32,258 --> 01:07:33,509 Mandy, I don't want to die 1168 01:07:33,509 --> 01:07:35,010 without telling you how I really feel. 1169 01:07:35,010 --> 01:07:36,262 Well, then shut the fuck up, 1170 01:07:36,262 --> 01:07:37,763 so you have a reason to survive this shit. 1171 01:07:37,763 --> 01:07:40,808 - So what now, Colonel? -Honestly, I have no idea. 1172 01:07:40,808 --> 01:07:42,309 I never thought we'd live this long. 1173 01:07:42,518 --> 01:07:45,563 To think you came to rescue me and you didn't plan an escape? 1174 01:07:45,563 --> 01:07:47,982 Oh, don't Princess Leah me. I'm thinking. 1175 01:07:49,858 --> 01:07:51,360 - Okay, I've got it. -Oh, hey, Dave. 1176 01:07:52,444 --> 01:07:54,321 Good luck getting your 20 bucks now, bitch. 1177 01:07:54,321 --> 01:07:56,198 - God damn it, Tim. -Oops. 1178 01:08:03,956 --> 01:08:06,333 God damn it. Now I'm definitely gonna have to wash this shirt. 1179 01:08:06,333 --> 01:08:08,752 Do you want me to, uh, dive in? 1180 01:08:08,752 --> 01:08:11,880 Oh, no, no, no, no. I need you to learn how to delegate. 1181 01:08:22,641 --> 01:08:25,227 Hey, decapitate. You gotta take it off. 1182 01:08:27,187 --> 01:08:28,439 Hair pulling?! 1183 01:08:28,939 --> 01:08:33,110 Yipee-Taekwondo-rogue- a-motherfucker. Oh, shit! 1184 01:08:34,486 --> 01:08:37,406 Oh, God! Your breath smells like cat-food. 1185 01:08:45,581 --> 01:08:47,082 Oh, I don't like this 1186 01:08:58,218 --> 01:09:00,262 And I defended your hire. 1187 01:09:09,855 --> 01:09:13,484 - Does this happen every time? -Yeah. Yeah, basically. 1188 01:09:16,487 --> 01:09:18,572 Not if you kill them first, people. 1189 01:09:19,615 --> 01:09:21,617 Learn how to take the initiative 1190 01:09:21,617 --> 01:09:23,661 if you don't want me to micro-manage. 1191 01:09:30,250 --> 01:09:32,044 This is about the story as far as I-- 1192 01:09:32,795 --> 01:09:35,506 Well, now it's time to go to work. 1193 01:09:38,550 --> 01:09:39,843 AMANDA: Oh, Shit. 1194 01:09:43,430 --> 01:09:46,141 Jesus, those walls are thin. 1195 01:09:48,268 --> 01:09:49,978 So, my question is, 1196 01:09:50,729 --> 01:09:52,898 "When do you let your people make their own mistakes 1197 01:09:52,898 --> 01:09:53,982 so that they can learn?" 1198 01:09:53,982 --> 01:09:56,902 and "when do you just jump in and do the job yourself 1199 01:09:56,902 --> 01:09:58,112 because you're more efficient?" 1200 01:09:58,112 --> 01:10:00,489 - It's a balance to be sure. -Yeah. 1201 01:10:00,656 --> 01:10:02,282 I'm going to need a minute, Dave. 1202 01:10:02,282 --> 01:10:04,368 I think I've re-injured my back. 1203 01:10:09,790 --> 01:10:13,460 God damn it, Amanda! I finally started boning her. 1204 01:10:14,586 --> 01:10:15,671 Sorry. 1205 01:10:15,671 --> 01:10:18,048 Whoa-ho-ho! 1206 01:10:18,048 --> 01:10:19,758 You know what? That almost felt like-- 1207 01:10:19,758 --> 01:10:23,178 Oh, come on. Whoa! Did it just get dark? 1208 01:10:23,178 --> 01:10:24,930 Should we be intervening here? 1209 01:10:24,930 --> 01:10:27,558 I mean, we are losing a lot of employees. 1210 01:10:27,558 --> 01:10:29,518 Oh, don't worry about it. It's mostly marketing. 1211 01:10:29,518 --> 01:10:31,186 Oh, okay, I'll just run an ad. 1212 01:10:31,186 --> 01:10:34,606 You fucker. Take that. 1213 01:10:34,606 --> 01:10:37,526 Are you trying to repel me with a cross made of pencils? 1214 01:10:39,069 --> 01:10:40,320 Still, a good manager knows 1215 01:10:40,320 --> 01:10:41,822 when his staff is getting overextended. 1216 01:10:41,822 --> 01:10:45,033 Be a dear and call downstairs for me, would you? 1217 01:10:45,033 --> 01:10:46,493 Can I use your office? This is just, 1218 01:10:46,493 --> 01:10:47,703 kind of flat out here. 1219 01:10:47,703 --> 01:10:49,204 Yeah, feel free. Make yourself at home. 1220 01:10:49,204 --> 01:10:50,539 I know you rigged the raffle 1221 01:10:50,706 --> 01:10:52,875 to win the office trip to Cabo this year. 1222 01:10:52,875 --> 01:10:54,293 That trip was mine! 1223 01:10:57,087 --> 01:10:59,006 You do not want to know where that came from. 1224 01:11:04,595 --> 01:11:07,097 Who am I gonna get to stock the supply closet now? 1225 01:11:07,723 --> 01:11:10,893 I'm not a vampire expert, asshole. 1226 01:11:10,893 --> 01:11:15,230 Enough. I want my $20, and then you die. 1227 01:11:16,023 --> 01:11:18,901 I'm saving it for something else. 1228 01:11:28,952 --> 01:11:30,704 Why don't we ever go dancing? 1229 01:11:31,413 --> 01:11:33,791 Monday night is salsa night at Vida Loca. 1230 01:11:38,754 --> 01:11:40,589 I hope you and your dickhead pals 1231 01:11:40,756 --> 01:11:45,511 enjoyed picking on poor Dave, because now my veins surge 1232 01:11:45,511 --> 01:11:48,138 with a thousand generations of death. 1233 01:11:48,138 --> 01:11:53,435 My claws are like hammers, my teeth are like swords! 1234 01:11:53,435 --> 01:11:56,814 I am vengeance! And I am immortal! 1235 01:12:03,821 --> 01:12:04,822 Eww. 1236 01:12:05,447 --> 01:12:07,491 I knew you were a good vampire. 1237 01:12:07,491 --> 01:12:10,577 I'm not a good vampire. I just always hated Dave. 1238 01:12:13,997 --> 01:12:16,083 Well, what now, asshole? 1239 01:12:16,625 --> 01:12:19,503 Yeah, it looks like you're fresh out of friends. 1240 01:12:19,503 --> 01:12:21,129 Nah, I'll make more. 1241 01:12:21,797 --> 01:12:24,299 Oh, that's a lot of blood! 1242 01:12:24,299 --> 01:12:25,384 - Yeah. -Yeah. 1243 01:12:25,384 --> 01:12:28,262 - Area secure? -Not in the slightest. 1244 01:12:29,137 --> 01:12:30,222 Huh? 1245 01:12:30,222 --> 01:12:31,515 ANDREW: Fuck that NCAA pool. 1246 01:12:31,515 --> 01:12:34,142 That was a bullshit foul at the end of the UNC game. 1247 01:12:34,142 --> 01:12:35,644 Fucking Duke. 1248 01:12:35,644 --> 01:12:36,979 - You hungry? -Yeah. 1249 01:12:36,979 --> 01:12:39,314 I can punch right into this thing. It's hilarious. 1250 01:12:39,314 --> 01:12:41,149 Yeah! 1251 01:12:41,149 --> 01:12:43,151 Oh, honestly, guys, 1252 01:12:44,570 --> 01:12:46,488 did you really think it was going to be that easy? 1253 01:12:47,155 --> 01:12:49,658 No, not at first, but then it... 1254 01:12:49,658 --> 01:12:52,202 - Once we got going, it was... -MAX: Oh, come on! 1255 01:12:52,202 --> 01:12:54,246 You think I would attempt to take over this entire company 1256 01:12:54,246 --> 01:12:55,998 without consulting legal first? 1257 01:12:59,001 --> 01:13:00,878 Oh, lawyers? 1258 01:13:06,258 --> 01:13:10,470 Amanda, a private word with you in my office please. 1259 01:13:15,851 --> 01:13:18,979 Um, Amanda, where are you going? 1260 01:13:18,979 --> 01:13:23,025 Uh, I don't really know actually. 1261 01:13:23,233 --> 01:13:25,360 Hey, remember when I did this to your girlfriend in college 1262 01:13:25,360 --> 01:13:27,487 without using supernatural powers? 1263 01:13:28,071 --> 01:13:29,531 Hey, I'm just saying why go pro 1264 01:13:29,531 --> 01:13:31,450 when your school has a chance at the Championships? 1265 01:13:31,450 --> 01:13:32,993 Run the risk of injury? No way man. 1266 01:13:32,993 --> 01:13:34,578 You got to take the money and run. 1267 01:13:36,079 --> 01:13:38,248 Evan, you can go home for the clay. 1268 01:13:38,248 --> 01:13:40,125 Frank, you can die. 1269 01:13:45,130 --> 01:13:46,423 It has been an honor and a pleasure 1270 01:13:46,423 --> 01:13:47,925 to serve with you, Colonel... 1271 01:13:48,467 --> 01:13:50,385 But it's time we parted ways. 1272 01:13:50,969 --> 01:13:53,347 Any-who, I'm going to turn you now. 1273 01:13:53,347 --> 01:13:54,640 I hope that's cool. 1274 01:13:54,640 --> 01:13:56,600 No, I don't want to be a vampire. 1275 01:13:57,351 --> 01:14:00,145 No, no, no, Frank. They will, they will eat you alive. 1276 01:14:00,145 --> 01:14:02,481 Literally. Literally, literally. 1277 01:14:02,481 --> 01:14:04,524 Not the bullshit way most people use it. 1278 01:14:05,525 --> 01:14:06,985 You never know if you're the kind of guy 1279 01:14:06,985 --> 01:14:10,030 who'll jump on a grenade, till it lands at your feet. 1280 01:14:10,030 --> 01:14:11,531 Man, that's intense. 1281 01:14:11,531 --> 01:14:12,908 Being a vampire is amazing. 1282 01:14:12,908 --> 01:14:14,743 We had a crazy vampire orgy last night 1283 01:14:14,910 --> 01:14:16,620 It was mind-blowing. 1284 01:14:16,620 --> 01:14:18,288 Yeah, but I just got some new golf clubs... 1285 01:14:18,622 --> 01:14:21,291 Thanks, Frank. I'm going to recommend you 1286 01:14:21,291 --> 01:14:24,461 for a meritorious service medal when all this is over. 1287 01:14:24,461 --> 01:14:26,713 I'm not going to let you stake me so... 1288 01:14:29,675 --> 01:14:31,009 Some pickle, huh? 1289 01:14:31,718 --> 01:14:34,888 Much obliged, sir. Now go in there and kill our boss. 1290 01:14:41,478 --> 01:14:46,191 Come on! Come on, get him! 1291 01:14:47,985 --> 01:14:50,612 Oh, hey, pal! I was just about to turn your girl 1292 01:14:50,612 --> 01:14:52,239 and fuck her on Ted's desk. 1293 01:14:53,323 --> 01:14:56,326 Sorry. My desk. 1294 01:14:56,326 --> 01:14:57,911 You fucking dick. 1295 01:14:58,704 --> 01:15:01,498 Amanda, you need to focus on your job. 1296 01:15:01,957 --> 01:15:04,459 HR is going to be swamped with all the new hires 1297 01:15:04,459 --> 01:15:05,585 we're going to need. 1298 01:15:06,253 --> 01:15:08,213 Oh, let's just get this over with. 1299 01:15:08,213 --> 01:15:09,798 I'd rather die than listen 1300 01:15:09,798 --> 01:15:12,050 to your lame management style any longer. 1301 01:15:12,217 --> 01:15:16,596 My management style is effective. And refreshing. 1302 01:15:16,972 --> 01:15:21,018 Okay, option seven, you just eat like raccoons and stuff. 1303 01:15:21,018 --> 01:15:22,728 That is disgusting. No. 1304 01:15:24,896 --> 01:15:28,608 Evan, do you remember what I said we sell here? 1305 01:15:29,609 --> 01:15:32,029 - Dreams? -Yeah, that was bullshit. 1306 01:15:32,904 --> 01:15:34,281 We sell fear. 1307 01:15:34,281 --> 01:15:38,827 Option eight, I don't turn you, I just kill you. 1308 01:15:38,994 --> 01:15:41,163 No, that doesn't work for me, 'cause then I'm just dead. 1309 01:15:41,163 --> 01:15:43,832 Our customers are afraid. 1310 01:15:43,832 --> 01:15:46,626 Afraid that life is passing them by, 1311 01:15:46,626 --> 01:15:48,587 which to be fair, it is. 1312 01:15:49,629 --> 01:15:54,468 And that is why you are perfect for this place. 1313 01:15:54,468 --> 01:15:58,013 Because you are a coward. 1314 01:16:00,932 --> 01:16:02,059 I'm sorry? 1315 01:16:02,601 --> 01:16:04,936 Okay, option nine, I let you go 1316 01:16:04,936 --> 01:16:06,730 but you have to promise not to kill anyone. 1317 01:16:06,730 --> 01:16:08,440 No way, man. A vamp's got to eat. 1318 01:16:08,440 --> 01:16:11,276 You were afraid to tell Amanda you love her because of why? 1319 01:16:12,152 --> 01:16:13,987 Because you work together? 1320 01:16:14,529 --> 01:16:16,364 Because she earns more than you? 1321 01:16:16,740 --> 01:16:19,409 Roshambo? Winner chooses our fate? 1322 01:16:22,120 --> 01:16:25,499 One, two, three, yes! Sorry. 1323 01:16:26,166 --> 01:16:28,168 You didn't even have the balls to quit 1324 01:16:28,168 --> 01:16:31,755 when this incompetent turd passed you over 1325 01:16:31,755 --> 01:16:35,801 for the guy you hate most on the face of the Earth. 1326 01:16:36,259 --> 01:16:38,720 You are so afraid of life. 1327 01:16:39,930 --> 01:16:43,767 And you actually want to be sales manager 1328 01:16:43,767 --> 01:16:45,060 in this shithole. 1329 01:16:45,060 --> 01:16:46,478 Mandy! 1330 01:16:46,478 --> 01:16:48,772 We are trying to have a conversation. 1331 01:16:48,772 --> 01:16:51,024 No! 1332 01:16:53,902 --> 01:16:56,321 - Well, two out of three? -Yeah. 1333 01:16:57,197 --> 01:16:58,782 One, two, three. 1334 01:17:00,742 --> 01:17:03,870 I am not going to change you. That's right. 1335 01:17:03,870 --> 01:17:09,292 I'll leave you alive and stuck in this pathetic pointless job 1336 01:17:09,543 --> 01:17:12,546 now, until the day you die. 1337 01:17:13,880 --> 01:17:15,090 This suit is bespoke. 1338 01:17:16,967 --> 01:17:18,343 One, two, three. 1339 01:17:19,553 --> 01:17:21,888 Sharing the desk with the photo printer, 1340 01:17:21,888 --> 01:17:26,726 while I stay young with the woman you love, 1341 01:17:27,227 --> 01:17:29,229 immortal at my side. 1342 01:17:33,233 --> 01:17:35,110 I'd rather fucking die first. 1343 01:17:36,903 --> 01:17:40,073 Yeah, yeah, that's the way it works. 1344 01:17:52,127 --> 01:17:53,753 Holy shit! 1345 01:17:54,462 --> 01:17:56,548 I think I'm ready to turn in my resignation. 1346 01:17:56,548 --> 01:17:57,507 Yeah. 1347 01:18:18,778 --> 01:18:21,948 You want this job? Then take it. 1348 01:18:23,617 --> 01:18:27,412 Die, you bloodsucking bastard! 1349 01:18:36,379 --> 01:18:37,881 Oh, shit. 1350 01:18:48,808 --> 01:18:52,395 Well, this is pretty much the grossest thing I've ever seen. 1351 01:18:59,236 --> 01:19:03,156 I stand corrected. Yuk. 1352 01:19:07,953 --> 01:19:09,079 Hey. 1353 01:19:11,289 --> 01:19:13,208 Is all this Max's blood? 1354 01:19:14,918 --> 01:19:19,547 Uh, some of it's mine, some of it's Evans. 1355 01:19:19,547 --> 01:19:20,507 Yeah. 1356 01:19:21,883 --> 01:19:22,884 Gross. 1357 01:19:24,010 --> 01:19:24,970 Yeah. 1358 01:19:26,513 --> 01:19:28,265 Hey, Frank? 1359 01:19:29,307 --> 01:19:30,976 Lost in the line of duty. 1360 01:19:32,560 --> 01:19:34,396 I really liked that guy. 1361 01:19:34,396 --> 01:19:37,065 Well, on the plus side, no more vamps. 1362 01:19:37,065 --> 01:19:38,024 Yeah. 1363 01:19:40,860 --> 01:19:43,738 Oh, hey, another work day. 1364 01:19:43,738 --> 01:19:44,948 Bitchin' 1365 01:20:47,761 --> 01:20:49,763 EVAN: Is it weird that I'm hungry? 1366 01:20:49,763 --> 01:20:50,889 TIM: Oh, I could eat. 1367 01:20:51,639 --> 01:20:53,141 AMANDA: Where do you guys wanna go? 1368 01:20:53,141 --> 01:20:55,894 EVAN: Well, somewhere without blood on it. 1369 01:20:55,894 --> 01:20:57,062 TIM: That rules out Denny's. 1370 01:20:59,147 --> 01:21:00,523 AMANDA: Have a pizza. 1371 01:21:01,608 --> 01:21:02,776 Oh shit. 1372 01:21:04,361 --> 01:21:06,279 Sorry, Mom. Are you still there? 1373 01:21:06,613 --> 01:21:08,907 Hey! Yeah. 1374 01:21:08,907 --> 01:21:11,159 No, you'll never guess what happened at work. 1375 01:21:12,327 --> 01:21:13,870 Oh, you could hear it the whole time? 1376 01:21:32,806 --> 01:21:34,099 Bastardo! 1377 01:21:38,019 --> 01:21:41,773 Welcome to the team. 1378 01:21:41,773 --> 01:21:43,149 My office in 10. 102683