All language subtitles for S02E08 - The Tangled Web

Ah, Bernard,
how is our great statesman this afternoon?

- Very cheerful.
- What has he found to be cheerful about?

- Well, at Question Time he did very well.
- In whose opinion?

Everyone was impressed with his answer
on tapping MPs' phones.

- I heard about that, but regrettably not from you.
- I didn't see any point.

I coordinate all government security.
Why was the question not referred to me first?

- It was an unforeseen supplementary.
- A foreseeable unforeseen supplementary.

It was a good answer. "Much as I respect
and value the opinions of this house,

"I have no desire to listen to honourable members
for any longer than I have to. " Got a good laugh.

- From you.
- Yes, and from his own party.

Ones hoping to be promoted
or afraid of being sacked?

That's just about all of them.

I gather he denied that he'd authorised
the bugging of an MP's phone.

Well, yes. Well, he hasn't, has he?
Has he? He has? Crikey!

It's all here, Bernard, including the transcripts.
Shall we... um...

Can't we wait? He doesn't get many moments
of unalloyed pleasure.

I suppose he gets all he deserves.

- Prime Minister.
- Ah, come in!

- I want to talk about PM's Question Time.
- I accept your congratulations!

- Wasn't I brilliant? Didn't you think so?
- Well, I wasn't there, but...

- Wasn't I brilliant, Bernard?
- Er...

- Your replies will not be quickly forgotten.
- Let me tell you what happened.

The first question was about that cock-up over
the shortage of prison officers. Masterly reply!

I said, "I refer the honourable member
to the speech I made on October 28th. "

- Did he remember what you'd said?
- No.

Neither did I, come to that. Still, it shut him up.

The next one was, "Did the Department
of Employment fiddle the figures?"

Restructure the base from which the statistics
have been derived without telling the public?

- Exactly. Fiddle the figures.
- Of course they do.

I know they do.
I said I'd found no significant evidence of it.

- You haven't looked.
- And we haven't shown you.

Well done. Then we went on to a googly about
the Dept of Energy's plans for nuclear waste.

- He wanted me to admit Cabinet was divided.
- Well, it is.

I know. So I said,
"My cabinet took a unanimous decision. "

You threatened to dismiss anyone
who wouldn't agree.

It certainly made them agree unanimously.

My back benchers were cheering my every word.

Oh, yes, then we had a question
about why our new anti-missile missile

was scrapped as obsolete
the day before it came off the production line.

- And how did you wriggle out of that one?
- That was my masterstroke!

My reply was sheer genius.

I said our policy had not been as effective
as we'd hoped. Clearly we had got it wrong.

- You admitted that?
- Yeah. Brilliant!

Took the wind right out of his sails!

Honesty always gives you the advantage
of surprise in the House of Commons.

The PM was also asked...

when he would request the resignation
from the responsible minister.

I said, "When he makes a mistake
that could've been seen at the time

"and not with the benefit of hindsight. "

They were on their feet cheering, stamping,
waving their order papers!

I gather there was a question
about the bugging of an MP's phone.

- Yes, I got a terrific laugh with that. I said...
- Bernard told me.

- I said, "Much as I respect... "
- Bernard told me.

Oh. Well, anyway, that was stupid.
Why should we bug Hugh Halifax's phone?

One of my own administration!
Where did they get such a daft idea?

- Sheer paranoia.
- The only thing is...

Why should we listen in to MPs?
Boring, stupid, ignorant windbags!

I do my best not to listen to them.

And he's only a PPS. I can't find out what's
going on at Defence. What could he know?

So I gather you denied that
Mr Halifax's phone had been bugged?

It was the one question to which I could give
a clear, simple, straightforward, honest answer.

Yes, unfortunately, although the answer
was clear, simple and straightforward,

it is difficult to justifiably assign to it the fourth
of the epithets you applied to the statement...

...inasmuch as the precise correlation
between the information you communicated

and the facts insofar as
they can be determined and demonstrated

is such as to cause epistemological problems

of sufficient magnitude as to lay upon the logical
and semantic resources of the English language

a heavier burden than
they can reasonably be expected to bear.

Epistemological? What are you talking about?

You... told a lie.

- A lie?
- A lie.

- What do you mean, a lie?
- I mean, you...

...lied.

I know this is a difficult concept
to get across to a politician.

You... er...

Ah, yes, you did not tell the truth.

We ARE bugging his phone?

- We were.
- When did we stop?

Um... 17 minutes ago.

- Well, you can't call that lying!
- What is the opposite of telling the truth?

I mean, there was no intent.
I'd never knowingly mislead the House.

- Nonetheless you have done so.
- It wasn't my fault. I didn't know!

- You are deemed to have known.
- Why wasn't I told?

The Home Secretary
might not have felt the need to inform you.

- Why?
- Perhaps he didn't know either.

Or perhaps he'd been advised
that you did not need to know.

- I did need to know.
- The fact you needed to know

was not known at the time
that the now-known need to know was known.

Those that needed to advise the Home Secretary
felt that the information he needed

as to whether to inform the highest authority
was not yet known,

so there was no authority
for the authority to be informed

because the need to know
was not known or needed.

What?

- We could not know you'd deny it in the House.
- I would if I didn't know and were asked.

We did not know you'd be asked
when you didn't know.

I was bound to be asked when I didn't know
if I didn't know!

- What?
- What?

It was thought that it was better
not to inform you.

Halifax is one of your government team.
It was thought it was better not to create distrust.

- We only tell you when you should be aware.
- When's that?

You should now be aware
because you've denied it.

It would've been helpful if I'd been aware
before I denied it.

If you had been aware before you denied it,
you wouldn't have denied it.

- But I needed to know!
- We do not always tell you about bugging.

At times we need you not to know.

- Why did you decide I didn't?
- I didn't.

- Who did?
- Nobody. It was just nobody decided to tell you.

- It's the same thing!
- On the contrary.

To decide to conceal information from you
is a heavy burden for any official to shoulder,

but to decide not to reveal information to you
is routine procedure.

Humphrey, I need to know everything.

- Everything?
- Everything.

Very well.

Stationery deliveries this week.
Four dozen packets...

No, Humphrey, Humphrey, don't be silly.
I mean important things.

Who should decide what is important?

- How can you defend this cock-up?
- As you said in the House, we got it wrong.

- YOU got it wrong.
- I am merely a humble servant, a lowly official.

- The Home Secretary made the decision.
- Any reason I shouldn't ask him to resign?

You should only ask him to resign
when he's made a mistake

which could've been seen at the time
and not with the benefit of hindsight.

The trouble has arisen because of
your error of judgement in making this denial.

- What?
- You shouldn't have denied what you didn't know.

That was your fault.
You admitted keeping secrets from me.

The system works perfectly well
as long as the PM tells the Civil Service

everything he's going to say before he says it.

If, precipitantly,

he says something without first clearing
it with us, he has only himself to blame.

You must not say anything
without clearing it.

With respect, PM, you
must learn discretion.

There was nothing
to be discreet about!

There's always something
to be discreet about.

Anyway, why are we bugging Hugh Halifax?
Is he talking to the Russians?

No, the French, actually.
That's much more serious.

- Why?
- The Russians already know what we're doing.

But the French are our trusted allies,
whatever you think of them. And who doesn't?

No, Prime Minister, actually the French
are our mistrusted allies.

That is why talking directly to the French
is regarded as an act of treason

by the Foreign Office... who authorised it.

- I don't know.
- You... don't know what?

- Who authorised it. Who authorised it?
- Is there an echo?

- Who authorised this bugging?
- The Foreign Office! I've just said.

Anyway, the less said the better.
Wouldn't you agree, Prime Minister?

- About what?
- About everything.

One cannot refuse to appear
before a House committee.

- No, sir.
- One shall have to tell them everything.

- Everything they can find out from other sources.
- Precisely.

But they are likely to ask me if the PM has ever
authorised the bugging of an MP's telephone.

So how should a loyal public servant reply?

Er, you could say it was a question for the PM
or the Foreign Secretary or the Home Office.

Or it was a security matter -
can't confirm or deny.

If I dodge the question,
do you know what the next question will be?

Why will I not give the same clear denial
that the PM gave the House yesterday?

- Ah.
- What should I say then, Bernard?

Well, you could say the Prime Minister
knows more about it than you do.

Then they'd know I was lying.

- So... what will you do?
- I don't know, Bernard.

I thought you should be aware of the dilemma.

- Would you like a glass of sherry, Bernard?
- Oh, yes, thank you. Sweet.

There's only dry.

Incidentally, Bernard, the BBC rang this morning.

- The BBC know about it?
- No, of course not.

They want to interview me for a documentary

they're making on Radio 3
about the structure of the government.

Gosh. You won't do it, will you?

- Why not?
- They may want you to say things.

That is quite normal on radio.

No, no, I mean interesting things. Controversy.

On the other hand,
one has a duty to put the record straight.

- You mean you want to do it?
- Well, not for oneself, of course.

No inclination for petty vanity,
you know, being a celebrity.

- But... one can be too self-effacing.
- I thought we were supposed to be faceless.

They don't show your face on radio.

They've said if I don't do it,
Arnold has said he would.

Perhaps that would be better.

Arnold? For myself, I would rather not do it.

But one's sense of duty compels one
to see that Arnold

is not held up as an example of a top civil servant.

You'll need clearance from the Prime Minister,
but that won't be a problem.

- How do you know?
- Well, it's on Radio 3. Nobody'll be listening.

- Ah, Prime Minister.
- Humphrey.

The Cabinet agenda, Prime Minister.

- Is it today you do your interview?
- Oh, yes.

- Any problems?
- Oh, no, no, no.

I have some experience
in dealing with difficult questions.

If you're evasive or confusing on the radio, they
edit you out. You've really got to say something.

- Say something?
- Something simple and interesting.

Simple and interesting.

Perhaps you could advise me, Prime Minister,
particularly if the questions are aggressive.

Even better. That puts listeners on your side.

- I may have to answer them.
- Why? You've never answered my questions.

No, no, no, that's different, Prime Minister.

Ludovic Kennedy might ask me
some perceptive questions.

His researchers mentioned that lots of people
are interested to know

why so much power is centralised in my hands.

Lots of people?
Hardly anybody's ever heard of you, Humphrey!

- Perhaps they meant lots of Radio 3 listeners.
- That's a contradiction in terms!

If he does say that lots of people want to know
the answer to that question, say, "Name six. "

That'll fix him.
He'll never be able to remember more than two.

Oh, excellent, Prime Minister. Any more tricks?

Tricks, Humphrey? This is technique.

Attack one word in the sentence. Like frequently.
"Frequently? What do you mean, frequently?"

Or attack the interviewer. "You've clearly
never read the white paper, have you?"

Or else ask your own question.

"That was a very interesting question.
Now let me ask you a question. " See?

Oh, thank you, Prime Minister.

That reminds me, I have shortly
to appear before the committee

to answer questions
about the alleged bugging of an MP's phone.

Yes. Yes, Bernard told me. Well, you'll just
have to confirm what I said in the House.

- But that would be lying.
- Well, nobody'd know.

Oh, what a tangled web we weave.

You must.
Otherwise it'll look as though I was lying.

Humphrey, you have a loyalty.

To the truth.

I'm sorry, Prime Minister, I cannot become
involved in some shabby cover-up.

Whereas there must be some element of shared
responsibility for the governance of Britain,

as between the legislators on the one hand
and the administration on the other,

the precise allocation of cause to consequence
or agency to eventuality in any particular instance

is invariably so complex as to be
ultimately invalid if not irresponsible.

I see, but could you be a bit more precise?

How far is the Civil Service to blame
for the level of unemployment?

Yes, of course, unemployment is a single name
applied by the media

to what is a wide range
of socio-economic phenomena

whose most politically visible manifestation
happens to be...

- Could you be a little bit more precise...
- I'm so sorry, Mr Kennedy.

You've asked me the question.
Do allow me to answer it.

There happens to be a current frequency

of weekly registrations
on the National Unemployment Register

which is deemed to be above
what has been held to be an acceptable level.

But even separating out the component causes,
let alone allocating responsibility for them,

is a task of such analytical delicacy

as not to be susceptible of compression within
the confines of a popular radio programme.

Sir Humphrey Appleby, thank you very much.

If that was a popular programme,
what would an unpopular programme be like?

Thank you, Sir Humphrey. Absolutely splendid.

My pleasure. Was I all right?

Couldn't you have said a bit more
about unemployment?

- Such as?
- Well... the truth.

Why do you laugh?

Oh, my dear Ludo,
nobody tells the truth about unemployment.

- Why not?
- Because everybody knows you can halve it.

- But how?
- Cut off all Social Security

to any claimant who refuses two job offers.

There's genuine unemployment in the north,
but the south is awash with layabouts,

many of them graduates living off the dole
and housing benefit

plus quite a lot of cash they pick up
without telling anybody.

- You mean moonlighting?
- Well, sunlighting, really.

Most employers will tell you they're short-staffed,
but offer the unemployed a street-sweeping job,

they'd be off the register
before you could say "parasite".

This country can have as much unemployment
as it's prepared to pay for in Social Security.

No politicians have got the guts to do anything.

- Oh, I do wish you'd said that.
- I'm sure you do.

- Sir Humphrey...
- Oh, come along.

- What's this for?
- The BBC have just sent me this tape.

Apparently, it's part of my interview.
They say it's particularly interesting.

- Your interview?
- You're surprised I said something interesting?

No, no, it's just that I thought you intended
to say nothing, as always. I mean...

Switch it on, Bernard. You may learn something.

...Ludo, nobody tells the truth
about unemployment.

- Why not?
- Because everyone knows you can halve it...

Cut off all Social Security to all claimants
who refuse two job offers...

No politicians have got the guts to do anything.

Sir Humphrey, that wasn't you, was it?

- Yes, Bernard.
- But how could you say such things?

Is there any more?

- Yes, Bernard.
- As damaging as what we've just heard?

More damaging.

I believe I referred to... parasites.

- How could you be so indiscreet?
- The interview was over!

- We were just chatting! It was off the record!
- It was on the tape!

Oh, my God, I've just realised! Blackmail.

- Blackmail?
- Read that.

"Here is a copy of your off-the-record
part of the interview. Very interesting.

- "We will contact you shortly. "
- What do they want of me?

The BBC? Licence fee up 50%?

- Maybe it's a private blackmail by the producer.
- Maybe.

Doesn't he know I'm a poor man?

Maybe he hasn't read you live in abject poverty
on 81,000 a year.

- What am I going to do?
- Keep your mouth shut in future.

And so must you! Don't breathe a word
about this to anyone! Anyone!

My duty to the...

Oh, Bernard, what am I going to do?

Well, put out a press statement
expressing sympathy for the unemployed.

- Sympathy?
- You may be joining them any moment.

- Yes, Bernard?
- Excuse me, are you busy?

I am. I'm expecting Humphrey. I've got to decide
what to tell the Cabinet about this bugging.

Do I tell them the truth...
or do I tell them what I told the House?

Perhaps you should behave to the Cabinet
as you would expect them to behave to you.

You're quite right.
I'll tell them what I've told the House.

- Something else?
- Yes, there is something you need to know.

- Need to know?
- Yes, it's about Sir Humphrey's broadcast.

- Boring?
- Initially, yes.

Then it livened up
as he became more and more indiscreet.

Humphrey? Indiscreet?

He thought the broadcast was over.
He was chatting, but the tape was still running.

- He fell for that old dodge?
- Yes.

You should always treat every microphone
as if it were live. Doesn't he know that?

- He hasn't done a lot of broadcasting.
- What did he say?

We could halve unemployment,
but the government hasn't the guts.

- What?!
- He didn't know he was being recorded.

And the BBC has the original?

You know what this means. All
over the papers. Do something!

I already have. I had
lunch with the producer.

He and I were at
Oxford together.

He never intended to release the tape,

so I got him to give me the indiscreet bit
from the master tape.

This is the original?

Does Humphrey know you've got it?

- Shall I tell him?
- Why?

- I think he'd like to know.
- I'm sure he would.

But does he NEED to know?

Ah, somebody needs to know, but now you know,
Sir Humphrey doesn't need to know.

You need to know Sir Humphrey doesn't know,
but he doesn't need to know you know.

Thank you, Bernard,
I couldn't have put it less clearly myself.

- Like to hear the tape?
- Can you play this?

Oh, no, not that. I got him to give me a copy.

Oh, no, hold on a minute.
I think this deserves a wider audience.

I think Humphrey ought to hear this.

Yes?

Oh. It is Sir Humphrey.

What a happy coincidence.
Ask him to join us, Bernard.

Will you hold on a moment? Prime Minister,
I did tell you all this in confidence.

And I respect your confidence.

- This is serious, you know, Bernard.
- Oh, er, yes, Prime Minister.

Sir Humphrey.

Ah, Humphrey, come in, come in, come in!

- How did your broadcast go?
- Oh, very well, very well.

- What did you say?
- Oh, nothing in particular.

I pointed out some of the difficulties
in allocating responsibilities

as between politicians and civil servants.

- But you were discreet?
- Why do you ask?

- Were you or weren't you?
- Yes.

- Yes, you were or yes, you weren't?
- Yes.

- Humpy?
- Wouldn't you expect me to be discreet?

- Of course.
- There you are, then.

Good. Well, that's all right, then.

Why do you ask?

It's just that the BBC sent me a tape.

- A tape? What tape?
- A tape of your broadcast.

I thought we might listen to it.

- No, no, no, no, no!
- Why not?

- It isn't interesting.
- Not interesting?

- The Cabinet Secretary talking to the nation?
- Not VERY.

You mean you were too discreet?

Play it, would you, Bernard?

Nobody tells the truth about unemployment.

- Why not?
- Because everyone knows you can halve it.

- How?
- Cut off all Social Security

to all claimants who refuse two job offers.

There's genuine unemployment...

- Humphrey!
- I'm terribly sorry. I didn't know!

- The interview was over!
- The indiscretion!

- The irresponsibility! Any more?
- No.

- Yes.
- Play it, Bernard.

...be off the register
before you could say "parasite".

This country can have as much unemployment
as it's prepared to pay for in Social Security.

- No politicians have the guts to do anything.
- You said that?!

It was Mike Yarwood.

I'm in somewhat of a difficulty
as to know what to do about this.

I need advice. Perhaps I ought to play it
to the Cabinet, get their reaction.

- Oh, please!
- Or the Privy Counsel.

- Or... Her Majesty?
- Oh, God!

Do you realise what damage it would do
if it got into the papers?

I could say I got it wrong!
I've checked and it isn't true!

- But it is.
- I could say it isn't!

- Nobody can prove it, it's never been tried!
- You'd tell an untruth in public?

- Yes, for YOU! We can issue a clarification.
- You've already made yourself very clear.

Prime Minister, a clarification is not to make
oneself clear, it is to put oneself in the clear.

Oh, what a tangled web we weave.

Give me the tape, would you, Bernard?
Now I've got something to tell you.

This is a copy,

but this is the original, the master.

- You mean...
- They were retrieved from the BBC.

By whom?

Intelligence.

So... no one else will ever know?

That rather depends on what I choose to tell them.

Of course, I could just hand over the tapes or...

...I could hold onto them while I consider
the security and disciplinary implications.

I certainly have no intention of joining
"some shabby cover-up".

Oh, that reminds me, have you decided yet
what you'll tell the Privileges Committee?

Oh, yes, yes, Prime Minister. I've decided that,
in the interests of national security,

that, um, the only honourable course
is to support your statement in the House.

And say that Hugh Halifax's phone
has never been bugged?

- And say I have no evidence...
- No!

And say the government has never authorised
the bugging of MPs' phones.

And say... the government
has never author...

Supposing they find
out the truth?

You'll just have to say that nobody told you

because you didn't need to know.

Agreed?

Splendid. That's settled, then.

May one have one's tapes back?

Tomorrow.

After the Committee on Privileges.
All right, Humphrey?

Yes, Prime Minister.