All language subtitles for Midsomer Murders S12E03 - Secrets and Spies

(light music)

(speaking in a foreign language)

(happy music)

- [Glen] Allenby House?

- Up there mate.

(car honking)

- That you was it?

- Well I don't see
anyone else around here.

- No, nor do I.

- Could you move your
mutton off the road please?

- Oh yes.

- Thank you.

- Right away sir.

- Thank you.

- Just leave this here.

- Hmm.

Right

- Okay?

- Hmm?

Oi.

Whoa.

Oh my god.

What are you doing.

Hey.

Hey, hey don't just walk away.

Get this off of here.

Oh my god.

My car.

My car.

- [Stepehns] And it
was you that discovered

the forced entry, was it sir?

- No Joyce, no.

I'm not gonna go out on Sunday.

Sunday is my day of rest.

(car honking)

- Sir.

- [Barnaby] We'll talk later.

- [Harry] What is it now, Sir Malcolm?

- Look at the time, you dim ninny.

It's five o'clock.

Rush hour.

You bring us this way but
we'll be here 'til breakfast.

Take us past the community centre

and then on up to the crem.

- Right, sir.

- What's all that about?

- Sir Malcolm Frazer.

has but passing acquaintance
with reality that man,

he is rehearsing his own funeral.

(car honking)

He thinks they are coming to get him.

- Which they?

- Oh, god knows.

Just wish they'd hurry up.

- Sir.

- What?

- I don't suppose you've heard anything

about my application for--

- No Stephens, I have
not, not even a whisper.

And even if I had, I
couldn't possible say.

- So, you could know something then.

- Go away.

(lively music)

- Ah.

Stupid.

Ah.

What's that for?

- This is a grenade old son.

You don't whack it out the
ground we all get blown to hell.

- Gently does it.

Watch the varnish.

You see.

Couldn't be easier.

Roll out, roll on, hey ho, away we go.

Come on.

That's the ticket.

Now, during the final hymn,

♪ Bread of Heaven ♪

♪ Feed me now and evermore ♪

♪ Ever more ♪

you, Nicky, up here in the pulpit,

don't want the vicar doing it,

complete faffer, you press the button here

which sends me down my last little journey

to the barbecue and so from box to urn.

Any questions?

- Can we go home now?

(car honking)

- He gonna kill someone, some day.

- Not if I get him first.

- Oi.

You.

Wells.

- Hang on lads

- Uh oh, here we go.

- What do you want?

- Just slumming.

How are the peasants' eleven today?

- Ready to take you pack of tossers apart.

- Thrashed you last year.

- Yeah, Ball tampering.

Bent umpire.

- Oh yes, yes, yes, good.

Jolly good.

Let's keep it for the game shall we?

- We would like you to
change your umpire this year.

- Why?

- Because Sir Malcolm is half blind.

- I am not.

- Who'd you have in mind?

- Anyone who isn't
biassed, bent or bribed.

- You cannot be serious.

- You could balance out
some of Sir Malcolm's

more daft decisions.

- No.

- And it might not end in the usual

punch up if you're there.

- You're not listening to me, are you?

- [Jones] An you could
claim it as overtime.

- Jones.

Sunday, my day off.

Sunday I shall be in there.

Feet up, watching the
telly, brain in neutral.

- After you've fixed
the down pipe and talked

to the neighbours about their hedge

and gone to the garden centre.

- What ho young Jarvis.

- Sir Malcolm.

This is now a safe house, right?

- This is our home.

- Which you rent to the government.

Correct?

- Yes, your point being?

- I've just walked straight in.

Unchallenged.

- We knew you were coming.

- That, that is not the point.

Tomorrow a VIP is arriving.

Everything must be in
order vis-à-vis security.

- Who's coming?

- Classified.

- We have the highest clearance.

- Not for some time.

- Listen chummy, I was running Berlin

while you were still in nappies.

Nicky and Jen here were
front line operatives

when you were barely
pushing your first pen.

- And now you are running
a specialised B and B

so get used to it.

And make sure these CCTV
cameras are working.

- Oh, We don't like him, do we?

- No we don't.

- Don't you dare.

You leave him alone.

We need the money.

Allenby needs the money.

- And I need a drink.

- I was a spook once.

- You were not.

- I was.

When I graduated from Bramshill,
they asked me to join MI6.

- Why?

- 'Cause I spoke Russian.

- But you don't speak Russian.

- No, they'd got the wrong person.

They really wanted Brenda Packard.

- Brenda?

In our WI?

Grows big vegetables?

- That's the chap.

She's been with MI6 for years.

- Goodness.

- I tried it for a few months.

Security officer, grade seven.

Drank gallons of weak
tea and er played cricket

in the corridors.

- You never told me any of this.

- Well no Joyce, secret, innit?

There are 42 basic areas of cricket rules.

And they are split into
numbered sub headings

which produce thousands,
thousands of sub sub clauses.

I will never forgive you for this.

What's happening?

- Bossy woman came in looking for you,

wouldn't give her name but left you this.

A lot of numbers.

- Thank you.

- Also, break-in at the museum.

Nothing missing though.

- Oh do you Think you could handle that?

- I'll do my best.

So what is it?

- It's a substitution and
multiplication cypher based

on a pre agreed word which is then given

its numerical position in
the alphabet and multiplied

by the date of delivery and
sent in five number sections.

- Oh, So what does it say?

- I Haven't the faintest idea.

- Morning.

- Morning.

Ah, woman Police Constable Stephens,

I have a letter here for you.

Or maybe it's not for you
Beacuase it's addressed

to Detective Constable Stephens.

Do you think you could phone
next time please Brenda?

- I like to keep my hand in.

- It took me two hours to work this out.

Oh a beer.

Thank you very much.

- [Brenda] The beer is for me.

Lemonade for you.

- [Barnaby] So how's the daughter then?

- Forever in your debt.

As am I.

- You're not really retired are you?

- Let's just say I tend to work more

from the garden these days.

- So what can I do for you Brenda?

- Allenby House.

The company in its wisdom has decreed

that it should be a safe house.

- Safe house?

Run by Malcolm Frazer?

What sort of drugs are they on?

- Relatively safe house then.

A stop-over for people on
sensitive government business.

Good food, comfy beds and the odd,

whatever they need to keep
them happy and co-operative.

- I do not approve.

- Your approval is not required.

But your expertise could be.

I was hoping you might pay
an informal courtesy call

and check that everything is
tickety boo at the funny farm.

- Why can't you do that?

- Because I am the left hand

that doesn't let the right
hand know what it's doing.

- Oh.

The great game.

- Mr. Kipling wasn't just a jam tart.

- Your health.

(upbeat music)

- [Security Man] Sir.

- [Gien] Morning.

- Mr. Barnaby.

- Yes.

- I gather you were once one of us.

- Just passing through.

- Pity.

We might have ended up on the same desk.

He's in the library.

- Thank you.

- Silk is best.

Nylon would really irritate the skin.

- I'm sure you're right sir.

- Ah, what brings the plod round here?

- I gather that your house,
this house has been inducted

into the service of Queen and country.

- I have no choice.

Allenby soaks up the dosh
like a blooming sponge.

- And I wondered if you
needed any, you know,

help with security or anything like that?

- Oh.

Oh that's very good of you.

Yes.

Yes, what do you want?

- I was just wondering
who your visitor was?

- This is DCI Barnaby.

He's offered to double check
the security stuff for us.

- How kind, but I think you'll
find that our arrangements

are probably a bit beyond the expertise

of a country policeman.

- Barnaby worked for the company.

When you were about 12.

- Well isn't that interesting,

but we can manage fine, thank you.

- Is it illegal to strangle
nasty little weasels?

- I think it's actively
encouraged, isn't it Sir?

- [Amanda] They don't seem
to have stolen anything.

- Are you sure?

- Well I haven't done a total check.

But they certainly didn't
take anything valuable.

- Nothing vandalised?

- Bit of a mystery Mr. Jones.

- Certainly is Miss Watson.

- Are you ever coming round again?

- I can't sleep with a suspect.

- Suspect!

- Well you could have done it yourself.

Insurance scam.

- You big chicken.

How about tonight?

- No!

Look, just check your
stock and give me a call.

At the station.

- It wouldn't take long.

I'd be gentle.

- Oh you are.

- I'd still respect you. (laughing)

(light music)

- So who's the grand fromage?

- [Glen] Glen jarvis.

- [Geoffrey] Nice to meet you

- Dear god Geoffrey Larkin.

- I recruited him 30 years ago.

Straight out of Causton Grammar.

- Best young batsman this county ever had.

- Sir Malcolm.

Long time no see.

- Damned traitor!

Hurry up Seth.

Get a move on.

- Sir Malcolm, I'd like to thank you.

- What for?

- For getting me on board
the biggest gravy train ever.

- I don't find that funny.

If I'd had my way--

- Malcom, Geoffrey is our guest.

- Government's guest.

- When I was a lad this house was

just a sort of unattainable
concept on the horizon.

Now I could buy ten of them.

Amazing how the world turns, eh Malcolm?

- Are you still playing cricket?

- Whenever I can.

- How about tomorrow?

We have the annual match
against the village team

and as a temporary house
guest you'd be eligible

to play for Allenby.

- Mr. Larkin is here for
important discussions

with government ministers.

He is not here to waste
his time playing cricket.

- I'll think about it.

- I really do feel--

- I said I'll think about it.

- Well whatever we can do

to make your stay more pleasurable.

You must be a boy scout.

(light music)

- [Seth] Morning.

(camera clicking)

- Morning all and a
lovely morning it is too.

And that looks like a serious breakfast.

- Nicky?

- Father?

- Father, it's been too long.

- He asked what I'm up to?

so dit dit dah dit dit dit
dah dah dit dah dit dah

dit dah dah dah dah dit dit
dah dit dit dit dah dit.

- Don't be so damn rude.

- Could we have a little
less morse code please?

I have got a terrible head.

- [Geoffrey] Morning Glen.

- Morning.

- I was just telling them
here how I'd be delighted

to play for their team
against the village yobs.

- Fantastic.

- Being a former yob myself
I know how they think.

Don't I Malcolm?

- See, the throat.

look at the throat.

Torn, slashed, ripped right out.

- Yes I can see that, Mr. Comfort.

- So what done it, eh?

- Probably a dog.

- Dog?

What kinda dog done that?

That ain't no dog, woman.

No dog's that vicious.

- So what do you think it was?

- Obvious ain't it.

The beast.

- The beast.

- The beast.

The beast has returned.

Just like they said it would.

You best be catching it before
it does more than sheep.

- Sergeant.

Thank you so much for your assistance.

- This way please sir.

Just through there.

- The big foot and mouth,
he lost his cottage.

Life's been a bit too much for him since.

- Ben.

What do you think?

I mean how plain are plain
clothes, supposed to be?

- Umm.

- The umpire shall make frequent

and irregular inspections of the ball.

In the event of any fielder
changing the condition

of the ball unfairly, the umpire

shall change the ball forthwith.

Rule 69 subsection seven.

- Going somewhere?

- I believe in meticulous planning.

- And turning every situation
to your own advantage.

- You were the one who did that.

You betrayed our whole ethos.

- Oh dear, oh dear,
naughty Geoffrey Larkin.

Didn't go to our school,
wasn't a member of our club,

and, worst of all, got very rich.

- What do you want?

- November the ninth 1989.

Ring any bells?

- Berlin wall came down.

- Right.

End of history.

And guess who was one of
the first people clambering

over the rubble to have a squizz

at the East German files eh?

Yup.

Geoffrey Larkin.

Walked away with suitcases
full of fascinating documents.

- Typical.

- I recently came across
one old file marked Wolfman.

Hello.

You've gone all pale.

Blood pressure having a bit of a plummet?

Wolfman, whoever he was, liked
to feed at 70 Wilhelmstrasse.

The British Embassy.

Would you like that file Sir Malcolm?

- I don't do deals with traitors.

- [Barnaby] You want what?

- [Glen] Since our guest at Allenby--

- [Barnaby] Geoffrey Larkin.

- Whose identity is
classified information.

- Not in the pub it isn't.

- Since our guest at Allenby
has seen fit to play cricket

at this village match this afternoon--

- What?

No, no, no, no, no, no!

He can't do that.

He played for the county.

- But as a guest at Allenby,

he has the correct
residential qualifications.

I've already cleared it.

- Well thanks a lot.

- Jones.

- Excuse me!

- Oh I'm sorry Mr. Jarvis.

You were saying?

- I would like you to provide extra men

at said cricket match
to ensure his safety.

- Police men?

- Obviously.

This is a matter of national security.

- Well I'm very sorry Mr. Jarvis

but all my men are fully occupied

serving the local community.

Why don't you ask Scotland Yard?

- Are you refusing my request?

- Well happen as maybe I am sir, yes.

- Ha.

Right.

Bye inspector.

Be it on your head.

- you precious little--

- I can't believe you Okayed
Larkin to play for Allenby.

That's so unfair.

- Well look, maybe if you'd
chosen a another umpire,

he might have made a different decision.

- What do you think of this one?

- [Jones] Oh!

(light music)

- [Announcer] Good afternoon
ladies and gentleman,

boys and girls.

Welcome to the annual match
between Midsomer Parva

and an Allenby house 11.

Weather said to be fair we hope.

The umpire and captains have
taken to the field to see

who will win the toss.

In the spirit of the game
let's wish both teams good luck

and may the best team win.

- Oh, tails.

- It's heads father.

- What?

Oh yes, yes so it is.

Right, well done Nicky.

- So Allenby to bat.

- We're gonna murder you.

- Jolly good, Bring it on.

- Toff git.

- Peasant trash.

- Oi, oi, oi.

No sledging.

One sign of trouble and I'll be very happy

to cancel this match.

- You can't do that.

- Oh yes I can.

So shut up, pad up and play the game.

- Right, good.

- [Nicky] Get in lads.

- [Cricketers] Five minutes.

- You know Sir Malcolm is half blind.

- I had noticed.

- [Jones] So you'll overrule any

of his really daft decisions.

- Just bowl Jones.

- Come on lads be sharp.

Come on.

- Play.

- [Woman] Come on!

- How's that.

- Not out.

- it was LBW.

It's unbelievable

- Good call.

(happy music)

(crowd cheering)

- Ha ha ha.

- Not out.

- Not out?

Oh for god's sakes.

His stump's in flaming Guildford.

- What.

Oh, I'm sorry Nicky, I can't
really dispute that one.

- That's alright father.

- Yes.

How's that?

- No ball.

- What?

- Your foot was over the line.

Yards.

Get on with it.

- [Cricketers] Catch it!

Yes

Catch it!

Get in

(crowd cheering)

- Oh, thank you.

- [Jimmy] Well done.

Good boy, knew you could do it.

- [Announcer] Batting in at
number five is Geoffrey Larkin.

You may remember as a star
of Midsomer under 19s.

Welcome home Geoffrey.

- We are gonna chop you
up into little pieces.

Pulverise your sorry arse.

- I look forward to that.

- [Malcolm] No ball.

(happy music)

- Oh come on Dave.

Ah.

(crowd applauding)

- I don't believe it.

- [Announcer] Well played Allenby.

They scored 170 for five in their innings.

So Midsomer Parva that's your target 171.

- Whose side are you on, sir?

- Same as always Jones.

The side of decency, justice
and the American way.

- I'd like to make an official protest

about the inclusion of
a former county player

in the Allenby team.

- Yes, he did murder you, didn't he?

- Yeah well it's typical Malcolm Frazer.

He was always a devious so and so.

- Objection overruled.

- Ah.

- At ah!

- I'm enjoying this job.

Playing God in a limited universe.

- Fantastic innings.

- Thank you.

- You're very good at scoring, aren't you?

- What do you think Tom?

- You can't give LBW from square leg.

- Yes

- [Man] Wrong place.

- Two

- [Man] Yes

- Dead man.

Dead man.

- Show me the ball please.

Thank you.

This ball has been scratched.

- No, no, no.

just normal wear and tear.

What the hell are you doing?

- This button has been filed
down to form a cutting edge.

I'm not a detective for nothing.

New ball please.

- [Cricketers] Yes.

- [Announcer] Nearly all out

for the village team I'm afraid.

Last man in at number 11 Seth Comfort.

Couldn't be much closer.

There's one ball remaining,
the lights fading fast.

Allenby need that last wicket to win

and the village need two runs to win.

- [Woman] Come on Seth!

- [Crowd] Yes.

- Yes

- [Announcer] Oh dear, Well that's it.

It's all over.

The last mans out and
Allenby are the winners.

Congratulations.

- [Jimmy] His foot was over.

- [Announcer] Hold on there.

There may be some protest

of some sort.
- No no no.

He touched the rope.

The score stands it's a six.

- No he caught it.

We've won.

- Mr. Barnaby?

Oh I'm sorry, I was unsighted.

- It's all over.

We've won.

- The hell you have.

We've won.

- Oi!

- We won.

- Now calm down

- [Announcer] If people could

just stay off the pitch please.

As I, Clear the pitch, I,
Oh this is really dreadful.

- Sir?!

- I'm off duty.

But I rostered you on.

I'm sure you can handle it.

Bye bye.

- [Man] Oi you.

Stay away from my guy.

- [Local] Scored again have you Andy.

- [Woman] What a cheek.

- [Man] Ignore him.

(animal growling)

(thrilling music)

- [Barnaby] Whatever else
this murder had nothing to do

with the cricket.

- How, how, how could you let this happen?

I warned you.

I told you.

- Calm down

- Calm.

- Just, just walk away, walk away.

- It's a disaster.

- [Interviewer] Are you ready Mr. Comfort.

We're recording, go ahead.

- Hello, hello.

- I told 'em.

I warned 'em.

It's the beast.

Beast of Midsomer.

I told 'em it were the beast.

Yes I did.

- You're soft in the head Seth.

Shut up.

- You'll see, you'll see.

- Jarvis.
- It's the beast.

Is it important!

It's important, yes.
- What makes you think

a wild beast is responsible Mr. Comfort?

- The Midsomer chronicles,
Deacan Henry of Causton writ

that when the badness shall come

so shall the beast of vegance, And that.

- [Interviewer] Thank you Mr Comfort.

- Yeah

- [Camera Man] Okay wrap it up.

- [Bullard] Multiple lacerations

of varying depth and intensity.

- Agricultural tool?

- Unlikely.

More like some sort of claw.

- Claw?

Eagle?

Lion?

- Bigger.

- Bigger than a lion.

- These are very deep gashes, Tom.

Not dissimilar to those evidenced

on certain sheep of the parish recently.

- Oh, so it was the hound
of the Baskervilles?

- Have to keep an open mind.

- I think you should keep on digging.

- Not my fault that the world
isn't all black and white.

- [Barnaby] Jones!

- All right.

I want them all in the
library including the staff.

There's a pretty straight
forward procedure

in a formal police
investigation like this.

We ask you questions.

You try and answer them and please

add any other information
you think may help us

in our inquiries.

So detective sergeant
Jones's here and I myself--

- [Glen] Excuse me inspector.

- Yeah, come in.

- Could I have a word?

- Please.

- In private.

It's very important.

- Excuse me.

Yes?

- [Glen] These people cannot
answer your questions.

- I beg your pardon.

- They've all signed
the Official Secrets Act

and as this matter pertains
to national security

it will be investigated
by the security services.

- No, no, no sir.

This is a murder investigation in an area

for which I am the senior police officer.

Those people in there
will co-operate with me

or I will lock them up.

- Shame you didn't heed my
earlier request for assistance.

Yes I have him here.

- Hello, who is this please?

Really.

And what do you want?

(thrilling music)

- Sir?

Wait.

- Do we have a problem.

- You have no jurisdiction.

- The hell I don't.

- You also signed the act.

- Ah.

This was a million years ago.

- Still stands.

- Oh no, no, no Brenda
I'm not having this.

With this MI6, Mickey Mouse
gump, I don't give a damn.

This is my investigation and
you are not gonna stop it.

- Stubborn as ever.

We always win Tom.

You lot think you have the power

but we're the real
bullies in the playground.

Sorry.

- Set up a road block
outside Allenby House.

Stop the lot of them.

I want the details of everyone,
everyone goes in and out.

- Don't you think that's
being a bit petty, sir?

Bit counter productive?

- Would you kindly do
as you're told, please?

- I do think we need to try
and work together as a team.

- This cannot stand.

We cannot have a state within a state.

- Absolutely.

- And if it hadn't been for
me that Brenda Packard women

wouldn't still be in her job.

- I thought she was retired.

- Ohhh!

They never retire Joyce.

They're vultures.

They just change trees now and again.

- You have been suspended before.

- Yes.

- Well!

- What?

- Well, you took no
notice and got on with it

until they came to their senses.

- I can't even speak
to the sodden suspects.

I, I am banned from the crime scene.

- So, think laterally.

- What does that mean?

- I don't know.

You're the one who's
always telling me to do it.

(thrilling music)

- What do you mean?

- It's a fairly
straightforward question Jimmy.

What's your relationship
with Sir Malcolm Frazer?

- Did you get out the wrong
side of bed this morning?

- You called Malcolm Frazer and I quote

a devious so and so.

What did you mean by that?

Do you have some history with the man?

- I signed the Act as well.

- Oh for crying our loud.

Is there anybody in this
village who didn't sign?

- Sorry mate.

- Okay, Okay.

I'll see your official secrets

and raise you one quite
extensive criminal record.

How many convictions do
you have for breaking

and entering then Jimmy?

- Oh.

I was a kid for Christ's sakes.

- Won't look good at the golf club.

- You blackmailing me?

- I am talking to the citizen in a way

that citizen understands.

- I was Frazer's
chauffeur for a few years.

Mainly while he was in Berlin.

- And why was he devious?

- Well because they are, aren't they.

People like him.

- 1985 Jimmy.

How did you come by the money
to start your car business?

- Won it on the horses.

- If you're going to lie to
me, try and be convincing?

Show some respect.

- It were predicted Mr. Barnaby.

- Really.

By whom?

- My granda'.

He said beast'll come back
when things go rotten.

- And where did your grandad
get that information from Seth?

- From the chronicles.

- I'm sorry, the what?

- Midsomer Chronicles of 16 summat.

When badness come so will the beast.

It's writ.

- Is it?

- Oh yeah.

- Well we'd better find
your beast hadn't we sir.

Now you work up at
Allenby House, don't you?

- Helps out a bit.

- And your sheep graze on
Allenby land, don't they?

so maybe one of their CCTV cameras

caught your beast in passing.

- Dunno.

- Well you could find out, couldn't you?

I mean, next time you're
up there why don't you pop

into the security control
room and check the recordings

for the last few nights.

Or better still, why don't
you bring those recordings

to me and I'll check them for you.

Barnaby--

- What are you doing Barnaby?

- Sir?

- The road block outside Allenby.

- Well, I believe I have the authority.

- Well I'm overruling that authority.

Get your tanks off the company's lawn.

Clear?

- Sir.

May I see you this afternoon?

- What do you think you're doing?

- My chores, sir.

- Get out and stay out.

Permanently.

You're fired.

- Oh I don't think so, sir.

- Really, why not?

- 'Cos I know all the answers, sir.

I even know some of the questions.

Sir.

(knocking on the door)

- [Chier] Come in.

- Thank you for seeing
me so promptly, sir.

- Oh.

Nobody told me lunch was being served.

- Because staff usually
eat in the kitchen.

- Oh and I see that's your
idea of co-operation, is it?

- Your mess, you clear it up.

It's not our fault your
prize chicken got strangled.

- I'm going to get this place closed down.

And you lot with it.

- Hmm.

I suppose we will have to sort
the little runt after all.

- I'll drink to that.

- You'll drink to anything.

- Where's she going?

- Your wife dear boy.

Should have asked her that years ago.

- Seth told me this was
the only one he could get.

Check this bit.

Sir?

- I'm sorry, what?

- That's Jenny Frazer the
night before the murder.

Can't see who she's with though.

- No sound?

(Stephens clears throat)

- It's part of the investigation.

I think it might be Geoffrey Larkin.

Otherwise why bother to
sneak out to the barn

in the middle of the night?

- How long had she known him?

- Few hours.

- I think it was someone
she knew quite well.

- Why?

- Because most women do not
do that on a first date.

- Come here?

- Excuse me, Harry.

- What do you think you're doing?

- I was relaying your
father's latest funeral plans

to the hearse driver.

- And have you given him one?

I mean he is male and can stand upright.

That's enough for you, isn't it?

- You're drunk.

- And you're the village bike.

Why?

Why everyone else but me?

- Why do you think, you
pathetic little man.

- Oh nice.

Very nice.

- Go home.

Go to bed.

Sleep it off.

Go on

- Is everything alright?

- Couldn't be better.

- So, how many idiots does it
take to change a light bulb?

Hello little oik.

How's your career going?

Oh I forgot, you haven't
got one anymore. (laughing)

(telephone ringing)

What?

Okay, whatever you say.

I'll be there.

I just need a little sleepy first.

- [Newscaster] Our reporter spoke

to a local expert at the scene.

- It were written, weren't it?

In the Midsomer Chronicles.

Deacon Henry of Causton writ

that when the badness shall
come so shall the beast

of vengeance--
- So do you think

Seth's nonsense has anything
to do with your case?

Hello, anyone in?

- Oh, I'm sorry.

My case.

It's not my case anymore.

I resigned this afternoon.

- For god's sake, why?

- Well, seemed time.

Now we can do all the things
we said we'd do when I retired.

- Like what?

- Oh you know.

Retirement things.

Cruises.

Whatever.

- Oh god.

- Oh, I don't suppose he'll want that.

- He always wakes up hungry.

- Ar, well, you be nice to him hey.

- He's not in his room.

- [Jenny] Nicky?

Nothing?

- [Peter] Not a sign mam.

- [Jenny] Nicky?

Nicky?

Not found him?

- Nothing, No.

- Peter?

Nicky?

Nicks?

- [Peter] Mr. Frazer?

- Oh.

No.

No.

- [Servant] Oh No.

- [Jenny] Oh Nicky.

(banging on the door)

- Well you better get it.

- It's not my concern anymore.

- Oh for god's sake.

- Don't.

All right, all right.

Yes, yes, yes.

- We need your help.

- Police station.

Working hours.

Detective Sergeant Jones.

- You need to come now.

- No I do not.

- There's been another death.

- Right.

Right.

I'll, I'll just do the prelims
yeah, and I'll hand over

the case proper to, to,
to Jones in the morning.

- Of course.

- Oh.

(phone ringing)

Barnaby.

Oh hello, sir.

Yes, yes I had heard.

Oh I see.

And that would be would
it with full control

and no further interference
from any other agencies.

No, no sir.

That's, that's fine.

Thank you sir and goodbye.

See you later.

- Thank god for small murders.

- Where you been?

- It's six a.m. sir.

I was sleeping.

God.

What happened?

- Exactly the same as before.

Multiple lacerations by something unknown.

- Unknown to you.

- Yes, Tom and I'm no slouch, thank you.

So maybe we should look
at the feasibility--

- No, no George, waste of time.

We do not believe in
mythical beasts do we.

This is a simple murder togged up

to look like something tabloid.

There is a rational explanation for this

and I need to know it.

- Come on Jones.

Chop chop.

- Right, as I was saying
before I was interrupted.

There's a pretty straight
forward procedure

on a formal police investigation--

- He was pretty useless,

and he was my dear, dear boy.

His mother died you see.

Now Nicky's gone.

Who'll take over Allenby now?

Family, Land, Continuity.

They give one a place.

You know.

Without them we're all a bit lost.

- I am sorry, sir.

Very sorry.

- Do please ask your questions.

- Sir Malcolm, what did you
have against Geoffrey Larkin?

- He was a traitor.

- Was he?

- Oh yes, spent fifteen years with us.

All the while quietly schmoozing
our network of contacts

so that when he left the
service he could pal up

with them as a ludicrously
overpaid defence consultant, yes.

Or as we used to say, arms dealer.

- No gentleman.

- No, Right.

- And no private income.

- I'm Sorry?

- Oh, Just raking the gravel, sir.

Setting the lines straight.

Tell me about Berlin.

- Ah, you've been talking to
that Jimmy Wells, haven't you?

Yes, well it wasn't our fault.

- What wasn't your fault?

- And it has nothing to
do with this inquiry.

- Can I decide that?

- No.

- No?

- No, nothing relevant there.

Take my word for it.

Nothing's relevant anymore.

So if you don't mind.

- Certainly sir.

- It's not there.

I've checked.

- It?

- The hound or whatever
it was that killed Nicks.

- We don't believe it was
an animal, Mrs. Frazer.

- Nor do I.

Silly notion.

- It appears three DVDs
are missing from here

over the last few days.

- Nicky handled all of that.

I expect they're around somewhere.

- So who would want him dead?

- He was very good at making enemies.

Especially when he was drunk.

- The night Geoffrey Larkin was killed.

In the hay loft, to who, to
whom, were you making love?

We've got that DVD.

- You tell me.

- It was dark.

We couldn't see the other, participant.

- It was Nicky of course.

It was one of the games we used to play.

Secret assignations, naughty fantasies,

never really letting anyone
know what was going on.

- Berlin?

- I didn't know anything.

- But you were there?

- We were just young
operatives Mr. Barnaby.

Did as we were told.

Never saw the whole picture.

- I find that hard to believe.

- Sorry.

- [Jones] If I could have your
full attention please, sir.

- Sergeant Jones, I called
Barnaby in to aid me

on certain matters.

It is with him and him alone
I will be communicating.

Excuse me.

- Well I'm afraid that's slightly at odds

with what DCI Barnaby told me.

He asked me to talk to
you as you were small fry.

- What?

- MI6 office boy of no
particular importance.

Did he get that wrong?

Jarvis says he was asleep by 11,

didn't wake up until
Jenny discovered the body.

Jumpy as a cat mind.

- That's 'cause he might
lose his job over this.

- [Jones] Ah, That would be a shame.

Sir Malcolm and Mrs. Frazer?

- Even when their vulnerable
years of training have made

obfuscation second nature to them.

- So, you didn't get much?

- Nope, we're gonna squeeze the fruit

further up the food chain.

- What shall I do?

- What did you make of that?

- Nothing.

- Thieves that don't thieve?

Vandals have a change of heart?

No one breaks in for no reason.

It brings on a policeman's reflux.

- [Jones] He's like that.

- Instinctive?

- Irritating.

He has decided that someone
broke in for a reason

so that's it, I have to find a reason.

- So you didn't just come back to see me?

- No.

- Not at all?

- Will you concentrate, please?

- Come on.

There's a whole stack of stuff back here

that's never been properly catalogued.

I found this one had been broken open.

- What's in there?

- Animal skulls, bones and general bits.

But mainly skulls.

- Hyena.

I think, bup.

- So what's missing?

- Not sure but there's an
empty specimen bag here.

- Hey no no no no no.

Don't touch.

- I Didn't report it 'cos I
thought who'd want an old skull?

- Sheep shit.

(lambs baa)

Seth?

Seth?

- Berlin.

in the early '80s, Brenda.

What went and down?

- Nothing to do with you.

- My chief tells me
that I have full powers.

- And my chief, me, says you don't.

- I could have you arrested.

- No, you couldn't.

- I could have arrested your daughter.

- Below the belt, Barnaby.

- Well, I hauled Charlotte
out of that squat,

I personally thumped
her crack head boyfriend

and I sent her home to
you because I thought

that you were a decent person trying

to do your best for your country.

- And I still am.

- No you're not Brenda.

You're just like the Frazers, aren't you.

Still locked in that cold war hocus-pocus.

It meant little then, it
means absolutely nothing now

apart from the fact that you are impeding

a murder investigation.

I will not allow that to happen.

So Brenda please answer my question

or I will personally
take you to a small cell

and beat the truth out of you.

- When the wall was still up.

We had a little team of
specialists working under Malcolm.

His son Nicky, wife Jenny and Jimmy Wells.

We got a lot of people out
until there was a leak,

a betrayal and the whole thing unravelled

and Anglo-Russian relations
took a quite spectacular dive.

- Did you find out who the traitor was?

- No.

So it all left a nasty
taste in the corporate mouth

and a few careers stalled.

Including Malcolm's.

You should have stuck with us Tom.

Your life could have
been equally fruitless.

- Ah.

Come on.

Think, think, think.

Think think.

Huh.

Nice one, Seth.

- It's been washed but we should be able

to find traces of blood
in the bone crevices.

Yes.

Definitely the murder weapon.

- And what kind of creature
has a skull like that then?

- It's from the felidae or cat family.

- Cat?

Pussy cat?

- Sabre toothed cat of Northern Chad.

They were about the size of a lion

and had huge projecting fangs.

- Are they still around?

- They say one was shot on
the Ivory Coast in 1975.

It was officially identified
as a mutant Jaguar.

- And that is what this is?

- No.

Actually I think this is a
prehistoric smilodon fatalis.

They found a lot of them
in the La Brea tarpits

in Los Angeles.

There's one in most museums.

- But it's nothing to do with any animal

that was ever seen in Midsomer?

- Not this side of the last ice age.

- All right.

- He's not in his shack by the pub

and hasn't been seen since yesterday.

- So--
- Sir.

- Seth!

Seth, can we have a word please?

He's doing a runner.

- On a tractor.

- [Barnaby] On a tractor.

Get after him.

- Right.

Seth.

What are you doing?

Seth will you just stop?

Seth.

- Well done Jones.

- You're under arrest.

You don't have to say anything

but it may harm your defence when.

- [Harry] That were amazing.

- Good.

- [Harry] Things you do--

- Yeah yeah.

- How did you learn them things?

- I took classes.

Payment please.

You're very sweet.

(light music)

- No.

My car.

Oh my car.

My car!

- Yes, very sort of town
and country metaphor,

that, isn't it?

- But inspector aren't
you gonna do anything?

Inspector?

Inspector?

Oh man.

- [Jones] What was the murder weapon doing

in your shearing shed?

- Weapon?

- The skull with the fangs.

Did you kill those people?

- No.

- But they were killed with your skull.

- Not mine.

Of the beast.

Skull of the beast.

- That's crap, Seth.

You stole the skull from the museum,

then started this beast
rumour to cover your tracks.

Come on Seth.

Spit it out.

Get it off your chest.

- Jones

- [Jones] Seth!

- Jones!

Seth.

Seth.

Can't be much fun, can it?

Living in a shack at the back of the pub?

- And there's not much money
in lamb these days, is there.

- No.

- No, so a chap might
need a bit of an earner.

So how much do you get
paid for being the one

and only expert on the Beast of Midsomer?

- They done it Loch Ness.

Monster this, monster that.

Money in the till.

But there ain't no monster.

- And there isn't a beast.

- But isn't it going a
bit far, killing people

to make your story sound credible?

- That weren't me!

Honest.

Someone stole that skull
and done them things.

Put it back and make
it look like it was me.

I wouldn't kill anyone.

- Listen

- Jones.

- Come here

- Cinch.

- Seth hasn't got the mental faculties

to organise a complex murder plot.

- Smart enough to manipulate the media.

- Ah, any fool can do that.

- But sir--

- And Jones, I've checked
the pub's CCTV cameras.

Seth was either helping
behind the bar or in his shack

at the times of both murders.

- Well thanks for keeping me in that loop.

- That's okay.

- I got more of them, film things for you.

- It's very difficult to
lip read at that distance.

- Just do the best you can Alice.

- Berlin wall, East German, something,

Wolf, Wolfman.

British Embassy would it something?

Then the other one says,

I don't something something traitors.

Is that a coffin?

(birds chirping)

- Never liked the idea of being a corpse.

- [Barnaby] No.

- That's my wife there.

Gwenny.

She's with our Nicky now.

- I'm sure she is.

- Grim stuff.

So what did you want?

- Why did you call
Geoffrey Larkin a traitor?

- [Malcolm] Told you.

'Cause he was a bent little sharpie.

- [Barnaby] Yeah but that's not a traitor.

- [Malcolm] He lined his
pockets with blood money.

That's a betrayal of mankind.

- [Barnaby] And Wolfman?

- That was the name of
the file we kept on him.

Yes, appropriate too.

- Now, are you telling me
the truth here, sir Malcolm?

- What is truth Barnaby?

It's like love.

One man's truth is another man's

Something or other.

- Sir M making any sense?

- No.

And he's lying through his teeth.

Did you know it's
physiological with some people,

when they're lying they
tighten their nostrils

or narrow their pupils.

Malcolm was doing both
overtime but he's so close

to going over the edge,
didn't want to push it.

- They're all stalling.

- Yeah.

So let us insert some ginger
in the appropriate orifices

and see if we can make the horses dance.

- What?

- I can't talk to you
about all that back stuff.

They'd string me up by me tackle.

- What if I told you the
boss said it was okay?

- [Jimmy] (laughing) You don't
even know who the boss is.

- Are you through Jones?

- Yes sir.

- Good God.

- Correct Jimmy.

Sit down.

You look as shifty as ever.

- Yes Mrs. Packard.

- Now co-operate fully,
repeat fully, with Mr. Barnaby

or I'll have you in Belmarsh
before you can say code six.

Goodbye Jimmy.

- Respect.

- Right.

Berlin?

You were part of a team that
got people across the wall.

All right?

- Yeah, they got me in because
I was a mechanics whizz.

Got a whole family out
in a home made balloon.

Another bloke on a flying fox.

But, but, but tunnels,
tunnels was the best.

- And how long did this go on for?

- Oh.

A couple of years, then one
day it all went arse up.

- Go on.

- It was a good tunnel.

(speaking in a foreign language)

We'd got half a dozen
people down that one.

(speaking in foreign language)

It was a kid that day.

But they were onto us.

Someone must have blabbed.

- [Barnaby] And what did they do to you?

- Water boarding.

- water boarding?

(man screaming)

(speaking in foreign language)

- Those blokes were 20
years ahead of the yanks.

I told them everything
they wanted to know.

So the whole op was blown.

- And then what happened to you?

- Three years in a Dresden slammer

before our people done a deal.

- And did you go on
working for the company?

- Surprisingly not Mr. Barnaby.

No they gave me enough money
to start up the biz here

then told me to keep schtum
or they would nail my knackers

to the church tower.

- Do you ever find out who
it was who betrayed you all?

- No.

I still await that pleasure.

- [Jones] Do we buy all that?

- [Barnaby] Some.

- Maybe we should rely on actual evidence.

- What do you have in mind?

- Well Gail and I've been
looking at the CCTV stuff.

- Oh she's keen.

- So am I.

- Saintly or standing to attention.

What?

Who did that?

Who's there?

(knocking on the coffin)

What are you doing?

What's going on?

- See sir, Larkin's first night there.

Jenny Frazer comes down the
stairs in her dressing gown

then there's a gap, see,

then she goes out the front door.

- So why isn't the main part

of the hall way covered as well?

- Then there's Nicky.

Now, where is he?

- Yeah, where?

- We don't know because
there's no coverage

on that side of the building either.

- So anyone could still go in

and out without being observed.

- If they knew what the coverage was.

- I was getting to that.

I was gonna say that actual thing.

- But you were taking
too long Detective Jones.

Well done Detective Stephens.

- Thank you, sir.

(light music)

- Reg, sir Malcolm about?

- Haven't seen him, sir.

- Mrs. Frazer?

- [Reg] Gone shopping.

- What about Jarvis?

- Around somewhere I guess.

- Oh yes.

- [Jones] No one up there, sir.

- And he's not in there.

Oh no.

No, wait a sec.

- Not here.

- Nor is his box.

- [Malcolm] What you doing?

(knocking on the coffin)

Help!

- It's still warm, he
must be here somewhere.

- I'm sorry, what?

- Jarvis.

- What about Jarvis?

- Well he's the obvious suspect.

- Why do you say that?

(car honking)

- He's the only one left?

- Ooh, that'll sound good in court.

(car honking)

- What are you doing?

- Where have you been sir?

- Fixing the wing of my car.

- [Barnaby] Have you seen sir Malcolm?

- He was working on his
coffin about half an hour ago.

- Sir Malcolm isn't here,
the coffin isn't here.

But the Range Rover is here.

- So how did he move the
coffin from the premises?

- So, should should I.

- The question is not how but who--

- I've got it.

The cricket club.

- Practise session.

I was sitting here, Jimmy
hit me with a bouncer.

- Yeah go on.

- Jenny Frazer made a
circle on a car window

with her finger.

Then she made a mark in the circle.

- Clock code.

Whereabouts in the circle?

- Centre top.

- Centre top.

Midday or midnight.

Whose car was it, do you know?

- It had trade plates on it.

- I don't know what you're on about.

- Yes you do Jimmy.

You were or are having an
affair with Jenny Frazer.

- Nah.

- It's not a crime Jimmy.

You don't have to lie.

Look we're not here to
nick you for anything.

Try and overcome your
natural instincts would you

and tell us the truth for a second.

- I deny everything.

- Jenny left a message on one of your cars

at the cricket club.

Meet her at midnight.

We have a video of the
pair of you going at it

hammer and tongs.

- You got visuals?

- Yes.

- Why didn't you say?

- Where is she?

- I dunno.

- Jimmy, have you lent
her a vehicle lately?

Something big enough to hold a long box?

- [Malcolm] Hello?

Hello?

- [Jimmy] She can't help it you know.

She was trained for it.

- [Jones] Trained for what?

- Work it out son.

Ah the hearse is gone.

Harry!

You grubby little begger.

- [Harry] What?

- [Jimmy] So you think
your own man do you, hey?

Do you?

You grubby little sod.

- I think we'd better move on.

(buzzing)

- Causton crematorium.

Everyone available.

- [Malcolm] Help, help.

Help, help.

- [Jenny] As we commit Malcolm Frazer

- Help.
- to the flames

let us remember what he meant

to all of us.
- Help.

- [Jenny] An evil,

manipulative,
- what are you doing?

- uncaring man
- help.

- who is finally getting
what he so richly deserves.

- [Malcolm] Help.

- Round the back.

- Oh.

- Jones!

Jones!

Jones!

The bolts under the bolts.

♪ Bread of heaven ♪

♪ Bread of heaven ♪

♪ Feed me now and evermore ♪

♪ Ever more ♪

♪ Feed me till I want ♪

♪ No more ♪

- It's all right darling.

It's all right.

She didn't mean nothing.

She's just a bit upset after Nicky.

- She has murdered two people.

she's just attempted to kill a third.

- Nah.

You got that wrong.

- Jenny?

Jenny?

Berlin?

All those years ago?

You and Jimmy were
running the escape routes

from East Berlin, weren't you?

And the shared risk, shared
excitement threw you together.

Whilst Nicky was organising
the West Berlin end of things.

But someone betrayed you that day.

Did you ever suspect that it was Nicky?

(speaking in a foreign language)

- No, we were a close team.

He was really sympathetic.

Especially when he told me that
Jimmy had died in the East.

- [Jones] Who told you?

- Malcolm and Nicky.

- And you believed them?

- Why would they lie?

- And you married Nicky.

- A year later.

I wasn't in love with him,

but Nicky and Malcolm were
like my, my family by then.

Nicky wasn't up to much in the bed.

Not much fun for a young woman.

So.

I diversified.

Not many secrets in the
Brit community there,

so word of my behaviour soon got around.

Malcolm called me in.

Said he understood my
feelings and Nicky's failures.

but instead of upsetting
the apple cart by leaving

- [Malcolm] Don't want to
upset the applecart, do we?

- [Jenny] Why didn't I use

my obvious skills and inclinations

to serve my country?
- to serve your country.

- Mrs. Honey trap.

Whoring for England.

Making a virtue out of my hobby.

Felt about as cheap as a bag of flour.

We came back to Allenby and I settled

for a life of frustration,

compromise,

depression.

- But then Jimmy came back from the dead.

- Horrible home life but
a lover to keep me happy.

- Until Geoffrey Larkin turned up.

It was you who supervised

and controlled the security
systems at Allenby, wasn't it?.

- Malcolm and Nicky were
useless at anything practical

or mechanical so they were my toys.

- I recently came across
one old file marked Wolfman.

Hello.

You've gone all pale.

Blood pressure having a bit of a plummet?

Would you like that file Sir Malcolm?

- [Barnaby] But it was you
who really wanted that file.

And finally, finally you got
to know the real Berlin story.

- Jimmy.

Malcolm and Nicky.

They were the real traitors.

They had a deal going
with a Stasi officer.

They'd get people over the
wall for massive backhanders.

Some of them were legit good
guys but most of them were

just plain crooks, black
marketeers, soviet thugs,

anybody with money could buy
a ticket on the MI6 express.

- No wonder they set you up.

- Why didn't you tell me
about the bleedin' file, Jen?

- Because Jimmy, if she
could get rid rid of Nicky

and Malcolm Frazer then guess
who would inherit Allenby?

- Jen?

- You two could have lived

quite happily together, couldn't you?

But not with Geoffrey Larkin about.

Because he knew what
was in the Wolfman file,

and very soon he'd have
been pointing the finger.

So he had to go?

And then you thought you'd piggy back

on Seth Comfort's ridiculous beast scam.

- Borrowed the skull did you?

And overcame a big guy like Larkin?

- Easy, he was a man.

(animal whirling)

- Someone there?

- I thought you might fancy a nightcap.

- I thought I read you right.

- Almost.

- So you disguised the wound
by tearing it a bit more

with the skull.

- Yes.

- Nice.

- And Nicky was even easier, wasn't he?

'Cos Nicky as usual, was drunk.

- What?

- [Jenny] I Never knew what hit him.

- Oh dear god.

- Jimmy they deserved it.

- No, no Jenny.

I don't think so.

Shall we go?

- Very professional.

- [Barnaby] Ah, there's a compliment.

Thanks very much sir.

- [Glen] Huh.

- [Barnaby] You not leaving us, are you?

- [Glen] Obviously.

- New posting?

- Yes.

Global warming has opened up the Arctic.

North West passage.

I will be monitoring the shipping traffic.

- Oh, very important.

- Yes it is Important.

Yes it is.

- Congratulations

- Thank you.

Ah.

I wish you a good day

- You smiling, sir?

- No, certainly not.

I'm not the petty, spiteful,
vindictive sort. (laughing)

- [Man] Yes!

Innings!

And again!

- Brenda!

They're having this rematch as a decider

but we can leave before the punch up.

- How's he coming along?

- Remarkably well for one

who lived through his own cremation.

- He deserves to be roasted
alive and when he returns

from the twilight zone
I'll have him locked up.

- Better to remain insane?

- Probably.

- Well I'll tell him.

Keep on gibbering.

- You always were a bit of a Bolshie.

(payers cheering)

Your chappie's been clobbered.

- Yeah.

What a shame.

(light music)