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1
00:00:01,953 --> 00:00:03,953
- Add milk and...an egg?
2
00:00:04,030 --> 00:00:05,863
Oh! It's the '90s!
3
00:00:05,957 --> 00:00:08,958
Why is breakfast still so hard?
4
00:00:09,127 --> 00:00:10,443
- Why not make breakfast easy
5
00:00:10,462 --> 00:00:14,130
with Lil' Betsy's
new D-Lite Pies?
6
00:00:17,452 --> 00:00:18,802
- Fortified like a Waco compound
7
00:00:18,970 --> 00:00:20,062
with vitamins and minerals,
8
00:00:20,138 --> 00:00:21,621
D-Lite Pies are as quick and easy
9
00:00:21,623 --> 00:00:23,623
as going through airport security.
10
00:00:26,295 --> 00:00:29,720
- It wasn't me!
11
00:00:29,798 --> 00:00:32,132
- And three decades later,
she's not so lil' anymore,
12
00:00:32,134 --> 00:00:35,726
but she's still...
somehow Lil' Betsy.
13
00:00:35,804 --> 00:00:37,821
- It wasn't me!
14
00:00:37,973 --> 00:00:40,916
- There it is.
- Do you ever get tired of it?
15
00:00:41,143 --> 00:00:43,752
- Tired of what? Those pies?
16
00:00:43,979 --> 00:00:45,921
How could I get tired of 'em
17
00:00:46,148 --> 00:00:48,481
if I didn't even eat 'em?
18
00:00:48,500 --> 00:00:51,276
It wasn't me!
- No, I mean this character.
19
00:00:51,336 --> 00:00:53,153
You've spent your entire career
20
00:00:53,155 --> 00:00:54,654
pretending you're some
mischievous little moppet
21
00:00:54,747 --> 00:00:57,099
when you're clearly a woman
who could have a child
22
00:00:57,175 --> 00:00:59,159
the same age
you're pretending to be.
23
00:00:59,161 --> 00:01:01,161
Shouldn't you leave that behind
and move on?
24
00:01:01,163 --> 00:01:05,107
I mean, isn't the world done
with Lil' Betsy?
25
00:01:06,685 --> 00:01:07,758
No, no, no!
26
00:01:09,171 --> 00:01:10,112
- It wasn't m--
27
00:01:36,198 --> 00:01:37,788
- "Good Mornin' Grimsburg,"
indeed.
28
00:01:37,883 --> 00:01:40,517
Let's see what the crime mind
has to say about this one.
29
00:01:42,204 --> 00:01:43,386
- Today on the show,
30
00:01:43,480 --> 00:01:46,148
the musical stylings of She Did It.
31
00:01:46,375 --> 00:01:47,965
- Huh. That was easy.
32
00:01:48,059 --> 00:01:51,878
Lil' Betsy is gonna do time,
and she ain't going to juvie.
33
00:01:51,880 --> 00:01:53,062
- No sympathy at all, Flute?
34
00:01:53,157 --> 00:01:55,565
- No self-respecting adult
should eat a pie.
35
00:01:55,659 --> 00:01:57,325
I say if you want
to ingest cherry filling,
36
00:01:57,402 --> 00:01:59,310
you eat it right out
of the can like a man...
37
00:01:59,312 --> 00:02:00,904
or a zombie apocalypse
survivor.
38
00:02:00,980 --> 00:02:03,072
- You even have a hot take
on pies.
39
00:02:03,149 --> 00:02:04,666
- Did you know the greenroom
isn't actually--
40
00:02:08,172 --> 00:02:10,172
- You okay, Summers?
- Mm.
41
00:02:10,248 --> 00:02:12,156
- Because it looked like
you were about to blow e-chunks
42
00:02:12,158 --> 00:02:14,176
when you saw
that bloody corpse.
43
00:02:14,252 --> 00:02:15,902
I'm...
44
00:02:16,071 --> 00:02:17,512
Fine!
45
00:02:18,907 --> 00:02:20,407
- We're going to court!
46
00:02:20,500 --> 00:02:23,000
Lil' Betsy's lawyer
says she's not guilty.
47
00:02:23,002 --> 00:02:24,519
The mayor has made it
very clear
48
00:02:24,521 --> 00:02:26,521
we need to win this
or we're out of a job.
49
00:02:26,748 --> 00:02:27,780
- Don't worry, Chief.
50
00:02:27,858 --> 00:02:30,099
We got everything
to convict her right here.
51
00:02:30,176 --> 00:02:32,343
- This is a celebrity trial.
52
00:02:32,421 --> 00:02:34,103
- I get that the public
love to support their stars.
53
00:02:34,198 --> 00:02:35,955
You're looking at a guy
with several paid
54
00:02:35,957 --> 00:02:37,365
OnlyFans subscriptions.
55
00:02:37,367 --> 00:02:39,517
But in the eyes of the law,
we're all equal.
56
00:02:39,594 --> 00:02:42,370
Lil' Betsy killed someone
on live TV and probably Roku.
57
00:02:42,597 --> 00:02:43,947
The people won't look
past that.
58
00:02:43,949 --> 00:02:45,765
Trust me.
59
00:02:47,602 --> 00:02:50,270
- Lil' Betsy
can't do nothin' bad.
60
00:02:50,272 --> 00:02:52,956
And if you say she did,
I will dox your grandma.
61
00:02:52,958 --> 00:02:54,216
- Oh, sure, she has her stans.
62
00:02:54,443 --> 00:02:56,033
But as someone
who both stans justice
63
00:02:56,127 --> 00:02:57,610
and just learned
what "stan" means,
64
00:02:57,779 --> 00:02:58,720
I'm a firm believer
65
00:02:58,947 --> 00:03:00,722
in our famously impartial
legal system.
66
00:03:03,285 --> 00:03:05,376
- Sorry, just coming
from a fan club meeting.
67
00:03:05,470 --> 00:03:06,469
Doesn't matter for what.
68
00:03:06,638 --> 00:03:09,305
Loni, do you have
any pretrial motions?
69
00:03:09,307 --> 00:03:10,548
- Thank you.
70
00:03:10,567 --> 00:03:13,293
As we all know,
I fell through a temporal rift
71
00:03:13,386 --> 00:03:15,904
on the escalator
at the Valley View Mall in 1984
72
00:03:15,906 --> 00:03:17,130
and wound up here.
73
00:03:17,223 --> 00:03:18,556
It happens.
74
00:03:18,558 --> 00:03:21,559
But if I were back there now,
I'd do two things:
75
00:03:21,636 --> 00:03:24,137
one, I'd pop a quaalude
and moonwalk into an arcade,
76
00:03:24,306 --> 00:03:26,731
and, two, I'd have
my client plead guilty
77
00:03:26,825 --> 00:03:27,824
because...
78
00:03:27,826 --> 00:03:29,918
That video is undeniable.
79
00:03:29,995 --> 00:03:31,828
- See, what did I tell you?
80
00:03:31,904 --> 00:03:33,088
Seriously, what did I tell you?
81
00:03:33,090 --> 00:03:34,664
Because I think
I have long COVID.
82
00:03:34,741 --> 00:03:35,757
- But it's not 1984.
83
00:03:35,984 --> 00:03:36,925
It's the present day,
84
00:03:37,152 --> 00:03:38,818
where celebrities
like my client
85
00:03:38,820 --> 00:03:42,338
are forced to deal with all
sorts of video manipulations--
86
00:03:42,340 --> 00:03:44,933
photoshop, CGI,
even deepfakes like this video
87
00:03:45,010 --> 00:03:46,843
I found of Seth Rogen.
88
00:03:48,163 --> 00:03:49,996
- Oh, I don't smoke weed now.
89
00:03:50,089 --> 00:03:51,273
All I need is Vladimir Putin,
90
00:03:51,441 --> 00:03:54,684
who is A-okay number one
friend of USA!
91
00:03:56,446 --> 00:03:59,096
- After seeing that,
this used to look good to me,
92
00:03:59,190 --> 00:04:02,175
but now I find it
simply inadmissible.
93
00:04:04,513 --> 00:04:07,104
- I deem
the evidence inadmissible!
94
00:04:07,106 --> 00:04:09,982
And I deem Lil' Betsy adorable.
95
00:04:11,853 --> 00:04:13,369
- Let's not panic.
96
00:04:13,371 --> 00:04:15,297
We can still win
without that tape.
97
00:04:15,373 --> 00:04:17,448
We'll just put you on the stand
and get the conviction.
98
00:04:17,526 --> 00:04:19,283
But you gotta play it
perfectly.
99
00:04:19,303 --> 00:04:21,118
No more being a loose cannon.
100
00:04:21,212 --> 00:04:23,120
From now on, your cannon
needs to be tighter
101
00:04:23,140 --> 00:04:25,140
than Ariana Grande's ponytail.
102
00:04:25,142 --> 00:04:27,550
Say nothing to the press,
got it?
103
00:04:27,644 --> 00:04:28,959
Flute?
104
00:04:29,054 --> 00:04:30,461
- They say justice is blind,
105
00:04:30,539 --> 00:04:32,722
but I can't say that anymore,
not after today--
106
00:04:32,799 --> 00:04:35,317
and also because that's
gotta be offensive, right?
107
00:04:35,544 --> 00:04:38,711
Uh, justice is
visually impaired?
108
00:04:38,713 --> 00:04:39,821
That seems better.
109
00:04:40,065 --> 00:04:41,323
But I'm more concerned
with justice's sense of smell
110
00:04:41,550 --> 00:04:43,716
since they couldn't sniff out
that this is all crap!
111
00:04:43,718 --> 00:04:45,327
I'm so sick of celebrities
getting special treatment.
112
00:04:45,554 --> 00:04:46,736
Why do they get
their own rules,
113
00:04:46,854 --> 00:04:47,812
their own golf tournaments,
114
00:04:47,906 --> 00:04:49,164
their own editions
of "Big Brother"?
115
00:04:49,240 --> 00:04:50,332
They're not better than us.
116
00:04:50,334 --> 00:04:52,334
We all put our pants on
the same way:
117
00:04:52,410 --> 00:04:55,295
in the dark,
praying they still fit.
118
00:04:56,989 --> 00:04:58,247
- PiñataMan, stop!
119
00:04:58,400 --> 00:04:59,990
They're already dead!
120
00:05:00,085 --> 00:05:01,992
- Stan Drescher,
there you are.
121
00:05:02,087 --> 00:05:04,087
Turn it to Channel 14
right now.
122
00:05:04,089 --> 00:05:05,496
- Stabbed by alleged murderer
123
00:05:05,665 --> 00:05:08,257
and confirmed sweet pea Lil' Betsy.
124
00:05:08,334 --> 00:05:10,243
- Why are we watching this?
- Don't ya see?
125
00:05:10,336 --> 00:05:12,670
If Lil' Betsy goes down,
the D-Lite Pie
126
00:05:12,764 --> 00:05:15,857
and Petroleum Company
will need a new poster child.
127
00:05:15,859 --> 00:05:17,584
- You mean me?
128
00:05:17,677 --> 00:05:18,526
- Why not?
129
00:05:18,753 --> 00:05:20,086
You got a face.
130
00:05:20,179 --> 00:05:21,771
- The face of a star?
131
00:05:21,848 --> 00:05:23,031
- A face.
132
00:05:23,108 --> 00:05:25,033
Now, we shoot you
an audition tape,
133
00:05:25,035 --> 00:05:26,851
get the gig,
then before you know it,
134
00:05:26,928 --> 00:05:28,203
nobody'll even remember
135
00:05:28,430 --> 00:05:31,039
your "Hamilton"-style rap
about the Battle of Iwo Jima.
136
00:05:31,041 --> 00:05:32,599
- You're right.
137
00:05:32,601 --> 00:05:36,044
Sustained eye contact
with my peers, here I come!
138
00:05:39,274 --> 00:05:40,882
- What happened back
at the crime scene?
139
00:05:41,109 --> 00:05:42,291
Oh, that?
140
00:05:42,368 --> 00:05:44,611
Yeah, I just had to go to...
141
00:05:44,779 --> 00:05:47,204
an appointment with my...
lying coach.
142
00:05:47,282 --> 00:05:49,465
- Come on, Summers,
your lying coach?
143
00:05:49,559 --> 00:05:52,969
We both know Jerry moved away
to become an astronaut.
144
00:05:52,971 --> 00:05:55,121
Or so he said.
145
00:05:55,214 --> 00:05:58,808
Anyway, you sure this
wasn't about the blood?
146
00:05:58,885 --> 00:06:01,385
- Mm, fine, you got me.
147
00:06:01,554 --> 00:06:04,130
Ever since I updated my OS,
I can't even look at it.
148
00:06:04,132 --> 00:06:05,723
I'm a homicide detective.
149
00:06:05,800 --> 00:06:07,483
I can't be repulsed
by the sight of blood.
150
00:06:07,485 --> 00:06:09,577
That's like a fedora salesman
being repulsed
151
00:06:09,804 --> 00:06:11,137
by the sight of douchebags.
152
00:06:11,139 --> 00:06:13,081
- It's okay.
I can get you over it.
153
00:06:13,308 --> 00:06:14,641
- You really think
you can help me?
154
00:06:14,659 --> 00:06:17,419
- Of course. I'm always
mentoring Flute on something.
155
00:06:17,646 --> 00:06:19,479
Plus, I helped Big Mike
with his vaping.
156
00:06:19,481 --> 00:06:22,090
I convinced Janice to make
amends with her birth mom.
157
00:06:22,241 --> 00:06:24,792
I even helped IT Tony
get over his fear of...
158
00:06:24,869 --> 00:06:26,152
bread.
159
00:06:26,171 --> 00:06:28,171
- Yep. Now I love bread.
160
00:06:28,265 --> 00:06:30,673
I really, really love it.
161
00:06:33,136 --> 00:06:36,646
- See?
That'll be you, but with blood.
162
00:06:38,591 --> 00:06:40,275
- Come on, Chief, there's gotta
be something we can do.
163
00:06:40,351 --> 00:06:42,835
- Yeah, we can start
looking for new jobs.
164
00:06:42,837 --> 00:06:45,447
With my height and wingspan,
I could play in the WNBA
165
00:06:45,523 --> 00:06:48,450
or stock shelves
at a big-box store.
166
00:06:48,677 --> 00:06:52,361
With the gender pay gap
in sports, maybe both.
167
00:06:52,514 --> 00:06:55,031
Yes,
Sgt. Youregonnawannaseedis?
168
00:06:55,107 --> 00:06:58,293
Wait, let me guess:
I'm gonna wanna see dis?
169
00:07:00,522 --> 00:07:01,779
- With the trial set to start Monday,
170
00:07:01,873 --> 00:07:04,190
all anyone can talk about is Detective Flute,
171
00:07:04,209 --> 00:07:05,525
whose hot take on celebrity
172
00:07:05,527 --> 00:07:07,952
has made him a celebrity in his own right.
173
00:07:08,029 --> 00:07:09,862
People are dumb.
174
00:07:09,864 --> 00:07:11,214
- Uh, don't kill me.
175
00:07:11,290 --> 00:07:14,050
- Kill you?
I should opposite kill you.
176
00:07:14,052 --> 00:07:16,644
Birth you?
Point is, they loved it.
177
00:07:16,871 --> 00:07:18,354
We fight fire with fire.
178
00:07:18,540 --> 00:07:20,482
If they're gonna put
a celebrity on the stand,
179
00:07:20,484 --> 00:07:21,374
so will we.
180
00:07:21,376 --> 00:07:22,875
You ready for your close-up?
181
00:07:22,969 --> 00:07:25,061
- Well, Chief, I guess you
forgot about the tattoo I got
182
00:07:25,137 --> 00:07:27,655
just so I could
answer questions like this.
183
00:07:28,808 --> 00:07:30,408
Oops.
184
00:07:34,331 --> 00:07:36,072
- All we gotta do is make you
185
00:07:36,074 --> 00:07:39,149
as famous as Lil' Betsy
and the case is ours.
186
00:07:39,244 --> 00:07:40,985
- But I'm not used
to all these lights and cameras
187
00:07:41,079 --> 00:07:42,745
and silicone nipple covers.
188
00:07:42,897 --> 00:07:43,821
Though it is very cold in here.
189
00:07:43,898 --> 00:07:45,155
- You'll be fine.
190
00:07:45,250 --> 00:07:48,343
If you get nervous, just
imagine it's a crime scene.
191
00:07:50,238 --> 00:07:51,571
- Welcome back.
192
00:07:51,573 --> 00:07:54,331
Marvin Flute, you're known
for telling it how it is,
193
00:07:54,351 --> 00:07:56,926
so we wanted to get some more
of your hot takes.
194
00:07:57,020 --> 00:07:59,245
First up, pineapple on pizza:
195
00:07:59,247 --> 00:08:01,839
acceptable topping,
or should we be stopping?
196
00:08:01,841 --> 00:08:02,857
- Pineapple on pizza?
197
00:08:03,084 --> 00:08:05,768
Um, well, it's--
198
00:08:05,862 --> 00:08:07,678
Crime scene.
199
00:08:11,109 --> 00:08:12,775
- Detective Flute?
200
00:08:12,777 --> 00:08:16,037
Detective Flute?
201
00:08:16,114 --> 00:08:17,947
- Pineapple on pizza is fine.
202
00:08:18,024 --> 00:08:18,948
You know what sucks?
203
00:08:19,025 --> 00:08:20,041
People who make a big deal
204
00:08:20,043 --> 00:08:21,876
about putting
pineapple on pizza.
205
00:08:21,878 --> 00:08:22,877
I'm sick of those losers
206
00:08:23,104 --> 00:08:24,620
acting like they're edgy
or interesting.
207
00:08:24,714 --> 00:08:27,197
Are you really that bothered
by fruit on some za,
208
00:08:27,292 --> 00:08:28,716
or are you just squawking
your way through life
209
00:08:28,943 --> 00:08:33,129
until they bury you in a coffin
where the only topping is dirt?
210
00:08:38,953 --> 00:08:40,136
- Here's what we're gonna do.
211
00:08:40,305 --> 00:08:42,063
I'm gonna show you pictures
of other red liquids
212
00:08:42,140 --> 00:08:43,547
that you don't have
any problem with,
213
00:08:43,567 --> 00:08:46,158
and then slowly start
mixing in pictures of blood
214
00:08:46,160 --> 00:08:47,627
until you're desensitized.
215
00:08:47,629 --> 00:08:50,313
Are you ready?
- Are you sure this'll work?
216
00:08:50,407 --> 00:08:51,964
Trust me.
217
00:08:51,966 --> 00:08:53,466
I don't just call myself
a mentor
218
00:08:53,468 --> 00:08:56,578
so I can get the teacher
discount on my cell phone plan.
219
00:08:58,656 --> 00:08:59,563
- Wait, what?
220
00:08:59,732 --> 00:09:01,307
No, Summers,
this one's just ketchup.
221
00:09:01,309 --> 00:09:02,917
- It's blood! It's blood!
222
00:09:03,144 --> 00:09:04,977
- No, it's just ketchup.
223
00:09:04,979 --> 00:09:06,979
- So you're saying
that liquid
224
00:09:06,981 --> 00:09:08,331
is from tomatoes?
225
00:09:08,407 --> 00:09:11,167
- Yeah, that's right.
Just tomatoes.
226
00:09:11,243 --> 00:09:13,077
- It's the blood of tomatoes!
227
00:09:13,171 --> 00:09:16,339
How many innocent tomatoes
had to die?
228
00:09:16,341 --> 00:09:19,492
- I thought I was a mentor,
but maybe I'm not.
229
00:09:19,494 --> 00:09:20,435
My whole identity,
230
00:09:20,586 --> 00:09:23,104
my fraudulent
cell phone discount--
231
00:09:23,106 --> 00:09:24,997
it was all a lie.
232
00:09:24,999 --> 00:09:27,834
Goodbye, unlimited data.
233
00:09:28,353 --> 00:09:29,685
- Hurry up.
We don't have much time.
234
00:09:29,854 --> 00:09:33,356
- Exactly, so why are we on
a gondola tour at Mount Taj?
235
00:09:33,358 --> 00:09:35,842
Hey, is it me,
or does "Mount Taj"
236
00:09:35,844 --> 00:09:37,101
kind of sound like "monta"--
237
00:09:37,103 --> 00:09:38,511
- Welcome to Mount Taj.
238
00:09:38,604 --> 00:09:40,513
As we begin our ascent, on your right,
239
00:09:40,515 --> 00:09:42,865
you'll also see Flute begin his.
240
00:09:42,942 --> 00:09:44,775
- And here's another thing: something must be done
241
00:09:44,777 --> 00:09:48,612
about people waving goodbye at the end of Zooms.
242
00:09:48,690 --> 00:09:51,132
You're leaving a meeting,
not setting sail for America.
243
00:09:51,209 --> 00:09:53,134
- On your left, watch our hero
244
00:09:53,211 --> 00:09:55,044
continuing along the trajectory of his arc
245
00:09:55,121 --> 00:09:56,286
at lightning speed.
246
00:09:56,455 --> 00:09:57,472
- And you know
what else I hate?
247
00:09:57,548 --> 00:09:59,807
Sheets.
They're basically bed lettuce.
248
00:09:59,809 --> 00:10:01,050
Until now.
249
00:10:01,144 --> 00:10:02,551
At the Sheet Shtore,
you can always find
250
00:10:02,646 --> 00:10:05,538
the best in bedding because
we actually give a sheet!
251
00:10:05,540 --> 00:10:07,649
- And on the right, you'll see a mountain lion
252
00:10:07,651 --> 00:10:08,966
mauling a camper.
253
00:10:10,636 --> 00:10:12,469
- But if you look just past that,
254
00:10:12,547 --> 00:10:14,805
you'll find Flute finally achieving his goal.
255
00:10:14,883 --> 00:10:15,898
- I wouldn't eat that,
256
00:10:16,067 --> 00:10:17,884
unless you like snacking
on murder pies.
257
00:10:17,977 --> 00:10:19,068
- Sorry, Lil' Betsy,
258
00:10:19,145 --> 00:10:21,387
but if that's
what Marvin Flute thinks,
259
00:10:21,480 --> 00:10:23,480
then that's good enough
for me to decide
260
00:10:23,558 --> 00:10:26,167
this is not good enough
for me.
261
00:10:26,169 --> 00:10:28,986
- She did what you said
because you said it.
262
00:10:28,988 --> 00:10:30,004
We did it, Flute.
263
00:10:30,006 --> 00:10:33,174
You are...a celebrity.
264
00:10:33,401 --> 00:10:35,251
- Thank you for visiting Mount Taj,
265
00:10:35,403 --> 00:10:38,754
for when there's a lot to get across but not much time.
266
00:10:39,665 --> 00:10:41,240
- I'm ready to resume
your mentorship
267
00:10:41,242 --> 00:10:42,684
on my little fear of...
268
00:10:42,835 --> 00:10:44,243
vein Cholula.
269
00:10:44,245 --> 00:10:46,078
- Great, here's what
you're gonna do:
270
00:10:46,247 --> 00:10:47,430
ask someone else.
271
00:10:47,506 --> 00:10:50,024
- What?
- I've lost my mentor mojo.
272
00:10:50,251 --> 00:10:51,417
- But you're
the greatest mentor
273
00:10:51,419 --> 00:10:53,177
this department has ever had.
274
00:10:53,271 --> 00:10:55,345
I can't stand that
I'm the one who broke you,
275
00:10:55,440 --> 00:10:58,682
which is why I'm gonna help you
become a mentor again.
276
00:10:58,684 --> 00:11:00,517
- You're gonna help me?
277
00:11:00,595 --> 00:11:01,351
- That's right.
278
00:11:01,429 --> 00:11:03,187
I'm gonna mentor the mentor
279
00:11:03,264 --> 00:11:04,947
so you can mentor me,
your mentee,
280
00:11:05,041 --> 00:11:06,265
like you're meant to.
281
00:11:06,267 --> 00:11:08,267
It's gonna be mental.
282
00:11:08,360 --> 00:11:10,619
- When your Dad ran away
for several years
283
00:11:10,714 --> 00:11:13,956
after a nervous breakdown,
who was there for you?
284
00:11:13,958 --> 00:11:15,550
Lil' Betsy's Pies.
285
00:11:15,777 --> 00:11:18,794
When your mom hibernated
through your 11th birthday,
286
00:11:18,947 --> 00:11:20,112
who was there for you?
287
00:11:20,206 --> 00:11:21,889
Lil' Betsy's Pies.
288
00:11:22,116 --> 00:11:23,115
When--
- Cut!
289
00:11:23,284 --> 00:11:25,375
Stan, you are--
and I mean this
290
00:11:25,453 --> 00:11:28,804
in the nicest way possible--
demented.
291
00:11:28,898 --> 00:11:30,380
OK, fine.
292
00:11:30,475 --> 00:11:32,625
So I've never had a D-Lite Pie.
293
00:11:32,627 --> 00:11:33,642
- I knew it!
294
00:11:33,737 --> 00:11:35,886
Script reeked of phoniness.
295
00:11:35,905 --> 00:11:37,071
It's a page-one rewrite.
296
00:11:37,073 --> 00:11:39,315
Put on a pot of coffee,
297
00:11:39,317 --> 00:11:41,075
because we're gonna
be up all night writing
298
00:11:41,077 --> 00:11:43,486
and I need something
to pour on passing joggers
299
00:11:43,580 --> 00:11:44,746
to stay awake.
300
00:11:46,232 --> 00:11:48,249
- Never knew Jinkos
had a VIP room.
301
00:11:48,326 --> 00:11:51,160
I can't believe I wasted my
life getting wasted downstairs.
302
00:11:51,237 --> 00:11:53,496
Wait, why can't we get a table?
303
00:11:53,498 --> 00:11:56,165
- It's fine. Let's just focus
on prepping your testimony.
304
00:11:56,242 --> 00:11:57,592
Now--
- Why does Skid Marcus
305
00:11:57,668 --> 00:11:58,985
have a table and I don't?
306
00:11:58,987 --> 00:12:00,428
Sure, he's the number one
dry cleaner in town,
307
00:12:00,505 --> 00:12:02,079
but what's he ever
ranted about?
308
00:12:02,173 --> 00:12:03,489
Besides those pants
I brought in
309
00:12:03,491 --> 00:12:04,507
after the Chili Cook-Off.
310
00:12:04,675 --> 00:12:06,859
- I feel like you're
losing the plot here.
311
00:12:06,861 --> 00:12:10,271
You're only pretending to be
a celebrity to win the trial.
312
00:12:10,348 --> 00:12:11,606
- But how can I pretend
I'm a celebrity
313
00:12:11,833 --> 00:12:13,666
when I'm sitting at the bar
like a schlub?
314
00:12:13,668 --> 00:12:15,017
You need to start
pretending to be
315
00:12:15,111 --> 00:12:16,927
my pretend manager
and get me a table!
316
00:12:17,005 --> 00:12:18,446
Now!
- Yes, right away.
317
00:12:18,673 --> 00:12:21,007
- And find out how we get
my picture on the wall!
318
00:12:21,100 --> 00:12:22,784
Do I just put it up myself?
319
00:12:22,860 --> 00:12:25,102
- I could put that up for you.
320
00:12:25,104 --> 00:12:26,846
- Oh, wow, thank you.
That's so--
321
00:12:29,851 --> 00:12:31,017
Lil' Betsy?
322
00:12:31,019 --> 00:12:33,035
- Uh, can I interest you
323
00:12:33,037 --> 00:12:35,946
in a you of champagne?
324
00:12:37,041 --> 00:12:38,874
- What? Oh, flute.
325
00:12:38,951 --> 00:12:40,042
Champagne flute.
My name is Flute.
326
00:12:40,136 --> 00:12:41,193
I'm gonna use that.
327
00:12:41,195 --> 00:12:42,878
But no, thank you.
328
00:12:42,972 --> 00:12:44,213
I'm not sure how it would look
329
00:12:44,382 --> 00:12:45,973
to be drinking
with a probable murderer.
330
00:12:46,050 --> 00:12:47,975
- I couldn't help
overhearing your convo
331
00:12:48,202 --> 00:12:50,144
with that giant loud woman.
332
00:12:50,221 --> 00:12:52,204
You can't expect regs like that
333
00:12:52,206 --> 00:12:54,373
to understand
A-listers like us.
334
00:12:54,375 --> 00:12:55,558
- Oh, thank you.
335
00:12:55,819 --> 00:12:57,634
I feel like I'm always having
to explain myself to her.
336
00:12:57,636 --> 00:13:01,397
- Well, maybe you should
hang out with someone
337
00:13:01,473 --> 00:13:03,883
you don't have
to explain yourself to
338
00:13:04,018 --> 00:13:06,068
because she already understands
339
00:13:06,070 --> 00:13:08,145
and doesn't care
because she's too busy
340
00:13:08,147 --> 00:13:10,389
thinking about herself.
341
00:13:10,391 --> 00:13:11,982
- Exactly!
I'm sorry, what did you say?
342
00:13:12,001 --> 00:13:13,483
I was thinking about myself.
343
00:13:13,561 --> 00:13:16,838
I said, why don't the two of us
get out of here?
344
00:13:16,914 --> 00:13:18,064
- Exactly!
345
00:13:18,066 --> 00:13:19,398
Hey, here's
an even better idea.
346
00:13:19,400 --> 00:13:21,634
Why don't the two of us
get out of here?
347
00:13:25,239 --> 00:13:26,922
- This isn't gonna work.
348
00:13:26,924 --> 00:13:28,332
- We'll see about that.
349
00:13:28,409 --> 00:13:31,018
I brought some friends of mine
who are having trouble
350
00:13:31,095 --> 00:13:33,170
learning proper
police booking procedure.
351
00:13:33,172 --> 00:13:35,097
Can you help them?
352
00:13:35,174 --> 00:13:38,025
- No, mentorship is more
of a one-on-one thing.
353
00:13:38,252 --> 00:13:39,435
- I know,
but you know how it is.
354
00:13:39,437 --> 00:13:42,029
If I bring Gretchen,
I have to bring Mr. Pancake,
355
00:13:42,106 --> 00:13:43,347
and then if you've got Mr. P,
356
00:13:43,441 --> 00:13:45,182
you kind of have to take
the whole Cuddle Crew,
357
00:13:45,201 --> 00:13:46,258
so pretty soon--
358
00:13:46,260 --> 00:13:47,351
- It's not just that.
359
00:13:47,445 --> 00:13:50,096
You can't mentor someone
by making them learn it.
360
00:13:50,189 --> 00:13:51,855
They have to live it.
361
00:13:51,949 --> 00:13:52,948
You're right.
362
00:13:53,101 --> 00:13:54,266
Who am I kidding?
363
00:13:54,360 --> 00:13:56,878
I guess I was never meant
to mentor a mentor.
364
00:13:58,272 --> 00:14:01,031
Okay, fine, just come with me.
365
00:14:01,109 --> 00:14:02,532
I know where you need to go.
366
00:14:02,610 --> 00:14:04,719
- All right!
We're going for a ride, guys.
367
00:14:04,946 --> 00:14:06,612
- No. Just you.
368
00:14:06,705 --> 00:14:07,796
- Okay.
369
00:14:07,891 --> 00:14:09,056
I'll send an Uber.
370
00:14:11,377 --> 00:14:13,060
- Is there anything worse
than when the Make-a-Wish kid
371
00:14:13,062 --> 00:14:14,620
you're visiting
doesn't look sick enough...
372
00:14:14,622 --> 00:14:16,805
both:
So you can't post the picture?
373
00:14:18,459 --> 00:14:21,068
Well, it's a shame
we're on two different sides
374
00:14:21,070 --> 00:14:23,979
when we should really
be on the same side...
375
00:14:24,073 --> 00:14:26,390
of the bed.
376
00:14:27,410 --> 00:14:30,469
- So...how did you lose
your teeth?
377
00:14:30,471 --> 00:14:32,821
- Well, with a pair of pliers.
378
00:14:32,823 --> 00:14:33,973
- Did it hurt?
379
00:14:34,108 --> 00:14:36,142
- Well, not as much
as not being recognized.
380
00:14:36,235 --> 00:14:39,145
I won't let anything
stop me from being famous!
381
00:14:39,238 --> 00:14:41,297
And neither should you.
382
00:14:42,442 --> 00:14:45,334
Well, ain't that the truth?
383
00:14:45,411 --> 00:14:47,261
- You should have one of those
in your bedroom.
384
00:14:47,338 --> 00:14:50,673
- Oh, totally!
Come on, let's take it.
385
00:14:51,993 --> 00:14:53,083
Oh, you're serious.
386
00:14:53,161 --> 00:14:54,843
I can't steal that.
I'm a detective.
387
00:14:54,920 --> 00:14:57,772
- But you're also a celebrity.
388
00:14:57,774 --> 00:14:59,181
- And laws are laws.
389
00:14:59,183 --> 00:15:00,274
We're not different
than anyone else.
390
00:15:00,501 --> 00:15:01,500
- Aren't we?
391
00:15:01,669 --> 00:15:05,780
I mean, we're VIP,
very important people,
392
00:15:06,007 --> 00:15:08,190
and not to us, to them.
393
00:15:08,192 --> 00:15:11,268
Our fans want us to be special.
394
00:15:11,345 --> 00:15:13,454
Now, why else would they
buy our pies
395
00:15:13,456 --> 00:15:16,365
or listen to our rants
or watch our sex tapes?
396
00:15:16,459 --> 00:15:18,684
- Yeah, I mean,
even detectives are allowed
397
00:15:18,686 --> 00:15:20,610
to break the speed limit
when you're in pursuit.
398
00:15:20,705 --> 00:15:23,038
And zookeepers are allowed
to bring home animals
399
00:15:23,115 --> 00:15:24,948
on the weekend
to ride around...
400
00:15:25,042 --> 00:15:26,041
I assume.
401
00:15:26,118 --> 00:15:27,543
I mean, why else have that job?
402
00:15:27,637 --> 00:15:31,121
So now that I'm a celebrity,
I guess...
403
00:15:41,042 --> 00:15:42,132
Crap!
404
00:15:42,210 --> 00:15:43,375
- Oh, my God!
- Whoa!
405
00:15:43,377 --> 00:15:46,487
Why was there no sign?
406
00:15:51,995 --> 00:15:52,994
- Where have you been?
407
00:15:53,070 --> 00:15:54,662
The trial is about to start.
408
00:15:54,739 --> 00:15:56,497
- Sorry I'm dope.
409
00:15:56,724 --> 00:15:59,575
- Ooh, I love this look--
Pete Davidson meets a buffet.
410
00:15:59,651 --> 00:16:01,910
Mm, this is gonna kill
on the stand today.
411
00:16:02,005 --> 00:16:04,063
- I know,
except for one little tweak.
412
00:16:04,065 --> 00:16:07,008
I'm testifying for Lil' Betsy,
413
00:16:07,176 --> 00:16:09,844
especially now that Lil' B
and I are a power couple.
414
00:16:09,920 --> 00:16:11,178
- You're in too deep.
415
00:16:11,255 --> 00:16:13,572
You can't seriously
be falling for her.
416
00:16:13,574 --> 00:16:14,849
- Why wouldn't I?
417
00:16:15,076 --> 00:16:16,350
I'm not gonna Hugh Jackman
this thing and date a normie.
418
00:16:16,519 --> 00:16:19,002
I need someone who knows what
it's like to be a celebrity
419
00:16:19,004 --> 00:16:20,971
and keep me in the news cycle.
420
00:16:21,006 --> 00:16:22,097
And she does both
of those things
421
00:16:22,250 --> 00:16:23,932
and a whole lot more.
422
00:16:24,009 --> 00:16:26,009
Ooh, a whole lot.
423
00:16:26,103 --> 00:16:28,011
You'll see
when the tape comes out.
424
00:16:28,105 --> 00:16:32,033
- Money, power, sex, pie!
425
00:16:32,260 --> 00:16:34,093
Should I be saying "sex pie"?
426
00:16:34,095 --> 00:16:35,870
- Hack! Get out of the way.
427
00:16:35,872 --> 00:16:37,763
Let me show you how it's done.
428
00:16:37,765 --> 00:16:39,689
1776.
429
00:16:39,784 --> 00:16:41,208
Colonial Boston.
430
00:16:41,435 --> 00:16:44,027
A man is about to be hanged.
431
00:16:44,105 --> 00:16:46,696
Is he guilty?
It doesn't matter.
432
00:16:46,774 --> 00:16:48,107
"Any last words?"
433
00:16:48,125 --> 00:16:50,943
"Just one. Pie."
434
00:16:50,945 --> 00:16:52,778
- Mm, not bad.
435
00:16:52,947 --> 00:16:54,704
- That was my first time
doing something on camera
436
00:16:54,799 --> 00:16:56,632
that wasn't X-rated.
437
00:16:56,708 --> 00:16:57,841
Felt weird.
438
00:16:59,470 --> 00:17:02,897
- Rap.
Stands for Rhythm And Poetry.
439
00:17:03,124 --> 00:17:04,790
Poetry is for the soul.
440
00:17:04,792 --> 00:17:09,219
And you're looking at your
soul sister right here.
441
00:17:09,297 --> 00:17:11,964
Can I try the folding chair
one more time?
442
00:17:11,966 --> 00:17:14,891
- Wow, a whole store
just for mentors?
443
00:17:14,985 --> 00:17:17,820
- They got everything you need
to change someone else's life.
444
00:17:17,972 --> 00:17:19,246
- Am I to gather
445
00:17:19,473 --> 00:17:21,398
this is your first time
mentoring, young man?
446
00:17:21,475 --> 00:17:24,192
How exciting.
I remember my first.
447
00:17:24,270 --> 00:17:25,494
I taught a child
that the attention
448
00:17:25,646 --> 00:17:28,422
she desperately craved
must come from within.
449
00:17:28,499 --> 00:17:30,149
- I taught
a troubled quarterback
450
00:17:30,242 --> 00:17:32,242
that the only throw
he'd never complete
451
00:17:32,336 --> 00:17:34,244
was to the father
who was never there.
452
00:17:34,322 --> 00:17:36,822
- Oh, and I choked a genius
to get him to respect
453
00:17:36,824 --> 00:17:38,248
my farting dead wife.
454
00:17:38,250 --> 00:17:40,159
- And what about
your first time, Kang?
455
00:17:40,161 --> 00:17:42,603
- Ah, it's silly.
Nobody wants to hear that.
456
00:17:42,772 --> 00:17:43,996
- Oh, please?
457
00:17:43,998 --> 00:17:44,939
- Word, dawg.
458
00:17:45,166 --> 00:17:46,089
- Yes, you must.
459
00:17:46,109 --> 00:17:47,757
- It was a long time ago.
460
00:17:47,759 --> 00:17:48,851
He had just fought in the war
461
00:17:49,003 --> 00:17:50,778
and wondered what he
could offer the world,
462
00:17:50,780 --> 00:17:52,187
until he finally realized
463
00:17:52,189 --> 00:17:54,097
that it was the world
that made the offers.
464
00:17:54,099 --> 00:17:55,783
And I taught that to...
465
00:17:56,010 --> 00:17:57,118
the man in the mirror.
466
00:17:57,194 --> 00:17:58,861
- Michael Jacks--
- Me.
467
00:17:58,937 --> 00:18:00,454
I taught it to me.
468
00:18:00,531 --> 00:18:01,455
- Oh, good.
469
00:18:01,457 --> 00:18:03,273
That could have been
problematic.
470
00:18:03,275 --> 00:18:05,108
- See, you can't help others
471
00:18:05,277 --> 00:18:07,795
until you've
helped yourself, Summers.
472
00:18:07,872 --> 00:18:10,280
- That's a very wise lesson...
473
00:18:10,374 --> 00:18:12,466
you mentor!
474
00:18:12,543 --> 00:18:13,876
And now that you're
a mentor again,
475
00:18:14,044 --> 00:18:16,195
you can help me get over
my fear of blood.
476
00:18:16,197 --> 00:18:18,973
- Unless I already did.
477
00:18:19,642 --> 00:18:23,811
You've been standing in real
human blood this whole time.
478
00:18:23,846 --> 00:18:26,963
I'm cured!
479
00:18:27,041 --> 00:18:28,632
You mentored me, Kang.
480
00:18:28,709 --> 00:18:30,634
Although, actually,
I mentored you
481
00:18:30,711 --> 00:18:32,878
by making you bring me here
in the first place.
482
00:18:32,880 --> 00:18:34,321
- Or did you?
483
00:18:34,548 --> 00:18:36,598
You think there's a store
just for mentors?
484
00:18:36,676 --> 00:18:38,550
I hired these people
to make you think
485
00:18:38,552 --> 00:18:40,494
you were mentoring me
to be a mentor again
486
00:18:40,571 --> 00:18:41,996
when, in fact,
I was mentoring you
487
00:18:42,072 --> 00:18:43,813
to mentor me to mentor you.
488
00:18:43,908 --> 00:18:46,225
- Or were you?
489
00:18:46,318 --> 00:18:47,393
- Huh?
490
00:18:47,578 --> 00:18:49,152
- I don't know, I thought
maybe that would work.
491
00:18:50,339 --> 00:18:52,822
- One of 'em threw up
in the back of my Uber.
492
00:18:53,825 --> 00:18:55,067
- Defense, your witness.
493
00:18:55,069 --> 00:18:56,326
- Objection, your honor.
494
00:18:56,420 --> 00:18:58,179
The witness and the accused
are clearly flirting.
495
00:18:58,181 --> 00:19:00,181
- Oh, we're way beyond
flirting.
496
00:19:00,183 --> 00:19:03,242
If flirting is the lobby,
we're at, like, the 17th floor,
497
00:19:03,244 --> 00:19:05,186
where the business center is.
498
00:19:05,262 --> 00:19:07,246
- Flirting overruled.
499
00:19:07,248 --> 00:19:10,599
Let the record reflect
that things are getting spicy.
500
00:19:10,676 --> 00:19:12,768
- Look, I know
what you all want from me:
501
00:19:12,844 --> 00:19:13,936
a hot take.
502
00:19:13,938 --> 00:19:15,029
Well, here's one.
503
00:19:15,031 --> 00:19:17,105
Lil' Betsy killed him...
504
00:19:18,592 --> 00:19:19,683
In self-defense!
505
00:19:20,852 --> 00:19:22,761
And she did it adorably.
506
00:19:22,763 --> 00:19:24,430
all: Aww!
507
00:19:24,523 --> 00:19:26,265
- That talk-show host
was threatening you,
508
00:19:26,267 --> 00:19:28,267
so you defended yourself,
isn't that right?
509
00:19:28,269 --> 00:19:30,360
- Objection! The witness
is acting like a lawyer.
510
00:19:30,438 --> 00:19:32,604
- We get it.
You went to law school.
511
00:19:32,606 --> 00:19:33,272
Overruled.
512
00:19:33,274 --> 00:19:34,381
- He was attacking me.
513
00:19:34,608 --> 00:19:37,051
He said I was too old
to be Lil' Betsy.
514
00:19:37,127 --> 00:19:38,535
- Who says that?
515
00:19:38,537 --> 00:19:39,962
I'll tell you who:
a celebrity who thinks
516
00:19:40,038 --> 00:19:41,538
the rules don't apply to them.
517
00:19:41,540 --> 00:19:42,297
- Exactly.
518
00:19:42,391 --> 00:19:43,373
- Even if that means attacking
519
00:19:43,467 --> 00:19:46,042
a poor old,
less popular celebrity.
520
00:19:46,136 --> 00:19:47,210
- What? No!
521
00:19:47,304 --> 00:19:50,064
I'm a much bigger star
than he ever was.
522
00:19:50,066 --> 00:19:52,233
Ugh. He could never hurt me.
523
00:19:52,309 --> 00:19:54,293
- Oh, sorry,
I guess I'm confused.
524
00:19:54,386 --> 00:19:56,886
Did you feel threatened
by a bigger celebrity
525
00:19:56,906 --> 00:19:58,130
and defend yourself?
526
00:19:58,223 --> 00:19:59,965
Or are you an A-lister
who felt so entitled
527
00:19:59,967 --> 00:20:01,057
that you killed a man
because you knew
528
00:20:01,151 --> 00:20:03,077
you were famous enough
to get away with it?
529
00:20:03,153 --> 00:20:04,970
Which one is it?
Who was the bigger star?
530
00:20:06,732 --> 00:20:09,899
- It wasn't me!
531
00:20:09,977 --> 00:20:11,493
Sorry, force of habit.
532
00:20:11,570 --> 00:20:12,586
It was me.
533
00:20:14,239 --> 00:20:15,923
I killed that man
in cold blood,
534
00:20:16,150 --> 00:20:17,758
and I ate all those pies.
535
00:20:17,835 --> 00:20:19,167
It was me!
536
00:20:19,244 --> 00:20:21,262
It's always been me!
537
00:20:22,581 --> 00:20:26,492
- In light of this,
I find Lil' Betsy guilty.
538
00:20:26,510 --> 00:20:29,995
I hope you can still be
adorable in an orange jumpsuit.
539
00:20:29,997 --> 00:20:31,330
Who am I kidding?
540
00:20:31,332 --> 00:20:33,524
I almost wanna go to jail
just to see it.
541
00:20:34,668 --> 00:20:36,685
- So you did all this
to convince her
542
00:20:36,687 --> 00:20:38,094
you were on her side--
543
00:20:38,188 --> 00:20:41,097
the fight with me,
dating her, the fake tattoos.
544
00:20:41,191 --> 00:20:42,932
- Yes, fake tattoos,
545
00:20:43,027 --> 00:20:45,844
which is something
I knew existed.
546
00:20:45,846 --> 00:20:48,030
Jinkos? Not VIP.
547
00:20:48,198 --> 00:20:50,032
- Need a ride?
548
00:20:50,108 --> 00:20:53,535
Hop on.
I got her the whole weekend.
549
00:20:53,537 --> 00:20:54,628
- I call shotgun.
550
00:20:57,133 --> 00:21:00,134
- The tape you sent us
was amazing.
551
00:21:00,210 --> 00:21:01,710
We're gonna be rich!
552
00:21:01,787 --> 00:21:04,471
I'm gonna buy you so many
parents that'll love you.
553
00:21:04,640 --> 00:21:05,639
- 30 seconds of dead air,
554
00:21:05,808 --> 00:21:08,050
then a kid walks in
and says, "Not bad."
555
00:21:08,126 --> 00:21:09,368
Genius!
556
00:21:09,370 --> 00:21:11,145
- So I'm the new Lil' Betsy?
557
00:21:11,221 --> 00:21:14,206
- Oh, God, no.
We just want the concept.
558
00:21:14,208 --> 00:21:16,150
- Demand points
on the back end.
559
00:21:16,319 --> 00:21:19,236
- Could I have a single pie?
560
00:21:28,906 --> 00:21:31,081
Does this have peanuts?
561
00:21:34,986 --> 00:21:36,503
Bento.
41019
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