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1
00:00:01,910 --> 00:00:03,910
- Add milk and...an egg?
2
00:00:03,987 --> 00:00:05,820
Oh! It's the '90s!
3
00:00:05,914 --> 00:00:08,915
Why is breakfast still so hard?
4
00:00:09,084 --> 00:00:10,400
- Why not make breakfast easy
5
00:00:10,419 --> 00:00:14,087
with Lil' Betsy's
new D-Lite Pies?
6
00:00:17,409 --> 00:00:18,759
- Fortified like a Waco compound
7
00:00:18,927 --> 00:00:20,019
with vitamins and minerals,
8
00:00:20,095 --> 00:00:21,578
D-Lite Pies are as quick and easy
9
00:00:21,580 --> 00:00:23,580
as going through airport security.
10
00:00:26,252 --> 00:00:29,677
- It wasn't me!
11
00:00:29,755 --> 00:00:32,089
- And three decades later,
she's not so lil' anymore,
12
00:00:32,091 --> 00:00:35,683
but she's still...
somehow Lil' Betsy.
13
00:00:35,761 --> 00:00:37,778
- It wasn't me!
14
00:00:37,930 --> 00:00:40,873
- There it is.
- Do you ever get tired of it?
15
00:00:41,100 --> 00:00:43,709
- Tired of what? Those pies?
16
00:00:43,936 --> 00:00:45,878
How could I get tired of 'em
17
00:00:46,105 --> 00:00:48,438
if I didn't even eat 'em?
18
00:00:48,457 --> 00:00:51,233
It wasn't me!
- No, I mean this character.
19
00:00:51,293 --> 00:00:53,110
You've spent your entire career
20
00:00:53,112 --> 00:00:54,611
pretending you're some
mischievous little moppet
21
00:00:54,704 --> 00:00:57,056
when you're clearly a woman
who could have a child
22
00:00:57,132 --> 00:00:59,116
the same age
you're pretending to be.
23
00:00:59,118 --> 00:01:01,118
Shouldn't you leave that behind
and move on?
24
00:01:01,120 --> 00:01:05,064
I mean, isn't the world done
with Lil' Betsy?
25
00:01:06,642 --> 00:01:07,715
No, no, no!
26
00:01:09,128 --> 00:01:10,069
- It wasn't m--
27
00:01:36,155 --> 00:01:37,745
- "Good Mornin' Grimsburg,"
indeed.
28
00:01:37,840 --> 00:01:40,474
Let's see what the crime mind
has to say about this one.
29
00:01:42,161 --> 00:01:43,343
- Today on the show,
30
00:01:43,437 --> 00:01:46,105
the musical stylings of She Did It.
31
00:01:46,332 --> 00:01:47,922
- Huh. That was easy.
32
00:01:48,016 --> 00:01:51,835
Lil' Betsy is gonna do time,
and she ain't going to juvie.
33
00:01:51,837 --> 00:01:53,019
- No sympathy at all, Flute?
34
00:01:53,114 --> 00:01:55,522
- No self-respecting adult
should eat a pie.
35
00:01:55,616 --> 00:01:57,282
I say if you want
to ingest cherry filling,
36
00:01:57,359 --> 00:01:59,267
you eat it right out
of the can like a man...
37
00:01:59,269 --> 00:02:00,861
or a zombie apocalypse
survivor.
38
00:02:00,937 --> 00:02:03,029
- You even have a hot take
on pies.
39
00:02:03,106 --> 00:02:04,623
- Did you know the greenroom
isn't actually--
40
00:02:08,129 --> 00:02:10,129
- You okay, Summers?
- Mm.
41
00:02:10,205 --> 00:02:12,113
- Because it looked like
you were about to blow e-chunks
42
00:02:12,115 --> 00:02:14,133
when you saw
that bloody corpse.
43
00:02:14,209 --> 00:02:15,859
I'm...
44
00:02:16,028 --> 00:02:17,469
Fine!
45
00:02:18,864 --> 00:02:20,364
- We're going to court!
46
00:02:20,457 --> 00:02:22,957
Lil' Betsy's lawyer
says she's not guilty.
47
00:02:22,959 --> 00:02:24,476
The mayor has made it
very clear
48
00:02:24,478 --> 00:02:26,478
we need to win this
or we're out of a job.
49
00:02:26,705 --> 00:02:27,737
- Don't worry, Chief.
50
00:02:27,815 --> 00:02:30,056
We got everything
to convict her right here.
51
00:02:30,133 --> 00:02:32,300
- This is a celebrity trial.
52
00:02:32,378 --> 00:02:34,060
- I get that the public
love to support their stars.
53
00:02:34,155 --> 00:02:35,912
You're looking at a guy
with several paid
54
00:02:35,914 --> 00:02:37,322
OnlyFans subscriptions.
55
00:02:37,324 --> 00:02:39,474
But in the eyes of the law,
we're all equal.
56
00:02:39,551 --> 00:02:42,327
Lil' Betsy killed someone
on live TV and probably Roku.
57
00:02:42,554 --> 00:02:43,904
The people won't look
past that.
58
00:02:43,906 --> 00:02:45,722
Trust me.
59
00:02:47,559 --> 00:02:50,227
- Lil' Betsy
can't do nothin' bad.
60
00:02:50,229 --> 00:02:52,913
And if you say she did,
I will dox your grandma.
61
00:02:52,915 --> 00:02:54,173
- Oh, sure, she has her stans.
62
00:02:54,400 --> 00:02:55,990
But as someone
who both stans justice
63
00:02:56,084 --> 00:02:57,567
and just learned
what "stan" means,
64
00:02:57,736 --> 00:02:58,677
I'm a firm believer
65
00:02:58,904 --> 00:03:00,679
in our famously impartial
legal system.
66
00:03:03,242 --> 00:03:05,333
- Sorry, just coming
from a fan club meeting.
67
00:03:05,427 --> 00:03:06,426
Doesn't matter for what.
68
00:03:06,595 --> 00:03:09,262
Loni, do you have
any pretrial motions?
69
00:03:09,264 --> 00:03:10,505
- Thank you.
70
00:03:10,524 --> 00:03:13,250
As we all know,
I fell through a temporal rift
71
00:03:13,343 --> 00:03:15,861
on the escalator
at the Valley View Mall in 1984
72
00:03:15,863 --> 00:03:17,087
and wound up here.
73
00:03:17,180 --> 00:03:18,513
It happens.
74
00:03:18,515 --> 00:03:21,516
But if I were back there now,
I'd do two things:
75
00:03:21,593 --> 00:03:24,094
one, I'd pop a quaalude
and moonwalk into an arcade,
76
00:03:24,263 --> 00:03:26,688
and, two, I'd have
my client plead guilty
77
00:03:26,782 --> 00:03:27,781
because...
78
00:03:27,783 --> 00:03:29,875
That video is undeniable.
79
00:03:29,952 --> 00:03:31,785
- See, what did I tell you?
80
00:03:31,861 --> 00:03:33,045
Seriously, what did I tell you?
81
00:03:33,047 --> 00:03:34,621
Because I think
I have long COVID.
82
00:03:34,698 --> 00:03:35,714
- But it's not 1984.
83
00:03:35,941 --> 00:03:36,882
It's the present day,
84
00:03:37,109 --> 00:03:38,775
where celebrities
like my client
85
00:03:38,777 --> 00:03:42,295
are forced to deal with all
sorts of video manipulations--
86
00:03:42,297 --> 00:03:44,890
photoshop, CGI,
even deepfakes like this video
87
00:03:44,967 --> 00:03:46,800
I found of Seth Rogen.
88
00:03:48,120 --> 00:03:49,953
- Oh, I don't smoke weed now.
89
00:03:50,046 --> 00:03:51,230
All I need is Vladimir Putin,
90
00:03:51,398 --> 00:03:54,641
who is A-okay number one
friend of USA!
91
00:03:56,403 --> 00:03:59,053
- After seeing that,
this used to look good to me,
92
00:03:59,147 --> 00:04:02,132
but now I find it
simply inadmissible.
93
00:04:04,470 --> 00:04:07,061
- I deem
the evidence inadmissible!
94
00:04:07,063 --> 00:04:09,939
And I deem Lil' Betsy adorable.
95
00:04:11,810 --> 00:04:13,326
- Let's not panic.
96
00:04:13,328 --> 00:04:15,254
We can still win
without that tape.
97
00:04:15,330 --> 00:04:17,405
We'll just put you on the stand
and get the conviction.
98
00:04:17,483 --> 00:04:19,240
But you gotta play it
perfectly.
99
00:04:19,260 --> 00:04:21,075
No more being a loose cannon.
100
00:04:21,169 --> 00:04:23,077
From now on, your cannon
needs to be tighter
101
00:04:23,097 --> 00:04:25,097
than Ariana Grande's ponytail.
102
00:04:25,099 --> 00:04:27,507
Say nothing to the press,
got it?
103
00:04:27,601 --> 00:04:28,916
Flute?
104
00:04:29,011 --> 00:04:30,418
- They say justice is blind,
105
00:04:30,496 --> 00:04:32,679
but I can't say that anymore,
not after today--
106
00:04:32,756 --> 00:04:35,274
and also because that's
gotta be offensive, right?
107
00:04:35,501 --> 00:04:38,668
Uh, justice is
visually impaired?
108
00:04:38,670 --> 00:04:39,778
That seems better.
109
00:04:40,022 --> 00:04:41,280
But I'm more concerned
with justice's sense of smell
110
00:04:41,507 --> 00:04:43,673
since they couldn't sniff out
that this is all crap!
111
00:04:43,675 --> 00:04:45,284
I'm so sick of celebrities
getting special treatment.
112
00:04:45,511 --> 00:04:46,693
Why do they get
their own rules,
113
00:04:46,811 --> 00:04:47,769
their own golf tournaments,
114
00:04:47,863 --> 00:04:49,121
their own editions
of "Big Brother"?
115
00:04:49,197 --> 00:04:50,289
They're not better than us.
116
00:04:50,291 --> 00:04:52,291
We all put our pants on
the same way:
117
00:04:52,367 --> 00:04:55,252
in the dark,
praying they still fit.
118
00:04:56,946 --> 00:04:58,204
- PiñataMan, stop!
119
00:04:58,357 --> 00:04:59,947
They're already dead!
120
00:05:00,042 --> 00:05:01,949
- Stan Drescher,
there you are.
121
00:05:02,044 --> 00:05:04,044
Turn it to Channel 14
right now.
122
00:05:04,046 --> 00:05:05,453
- Stabbed by alleged murderer
123
00:05:05,622 --> 00:05:08,214
and confirmed sweet pea Lil' Betsy.
124
00:05:08,291 --> 00:05:10,200
- Why are we watching this?
- Don't ya see?
125
00:05:10,293 --> 00:05:12,627
If Lil' Betsy goes down,
the D-Lite Pie
126
00:05:12,721 --> 00:05:15,814
and Petroleum Company
will need a new poster child.
127
00:05:15,816 --> 00:05:17,541
- You mean me?
128
00:05:17,634 --> 00:05:18,483
- Why not?
129
00:05:18,710 --> 00:05:20,043
You got a face.
130
00:05:20,136 --> 00:05:21,728
- The face of a star?
131
00:05:21,805 --> 00:05:22,988
- A face.
132
00:05:23,065 --> 00:05:24,990
Now, we shoot you
an audition tape,
133
00:05:24,992 --> 00:05:26,808
get the gig,
then before you know it,
134
00:05:26,885 --> 00:05:28,160
nobody'll even remember
135
00:05:28,387 --> 00:05:30,996
your "Hamilton"-style rap
about the Battle of Iwo Jima.
136
00:05:30,998 --> 00:05:32,556
- You're right.
137
00:05:32,558 --> 00:05:36,001
Sustained eye contact
with my peers, here I come!
138
00:05:39,231 --> 00:05:40,839
- What happened back
at the crime scene?
139
00:05:41,066 --> 00:05:42,248
Oh, that?
140
00:05:42,325 --> 00:05:44,568
Yeah, I just had to go to...
141
00:05:44,736 --> 00:05:47,161
an appointment with my...
lying coach.
142
00:05:47,239 --> 00:05:49,422
- Come on, Summers,
your lying coach?
143
00:05:49,516 --> 00:05:52,926
We both know Jerry moved away
to become an astronaut.
144
00:05:52,928 --> 00:05:55,078
Or so he said.
145
00:05:55,171 --> 00:05:58,765
Anyway, you sure this
wasn't about the blood?
146
00:05:58,842 --> 00:06:01,342
- Mm, fine, you got me.
147
00:06:01,511 --> 00:06:04,087
Ever since I updated my OS,
I can't even look at it.
148
00:06:04,089 --> 00:06:05,680
I'm a homicide detective.
149
00:06:05,757 --> 00:06:07,440
I can't be repulsed
by the sight of blood.
150
00:06:07,442 --> 00:06:09,534
That's like a fedora salesman
being repulsed
151
00:06:09,761 --> 00:06:11,094
by the sight of douchebags.
152
00:06:11,096 --> 00:06:13,038
- It's okay.
I can get you over it.
153
00:06:13,265 --> 00:06:14,598
- You really think
you can help me?
154
00:06:14,616 --> 00:06:17,376
- Of course. I'm always
mentoring Flute on something.
155
00:06:17,603 --> 00:06:19,436
Plus, I helped Big Mike
with his vaping.
156
00:06:19,438 --> 00:06:22,047
I convinced Janice to make
amends with her birth mom.
157
00:06:22,198 --> 00:06:24,749
I even helped IT Tony
get over his fear of...
158
00:06:24,826 --> 00:06:26,109
bread.
159
00:06:26,128 --> 00:06:28,128
- Yep. Now I love bread.
160
00:06:28,222 --> 00:06:30,630
I really, really love it.
161
00:06:33,093 --> 00:06:36,603
- See?
That'll be you, but with blood.
162
00:06:38,548 --> 00:06:40,232
- Come on, Chief, there's gotta
be something we can do.
163
00:06:40,308 --> 00:06:42,792
- Yeah, we can start
looking for new jobs.
164
00:06:42,794 --> 00:06:45,404
With my height and wingspan,
I could play in the WNBA
165
00:06:45,480 --> 00:06:48,407
or stock shelves
at a big-box store.
166
00:06:48,634 --> 00:06:52,318
With the gender pay gap
in sports, maybe both.
167
00:06:52,471 --> 00:06:54,988
Yes,
Sgt. Youregonnawannaseedis?
168
00:06:55,064 --> 00:06:58,250
Wait, let me guess:
I'm gonna wanna see dis?
169
00:07:00,479 --> 00:07:01,736
- With the trial set to start Monday,
170
00:07:01,830 --> 00:07:04,147
all anyone can talk about is Detective Flute,
171
00:07:04,166 --> 00:07:05,482
whose hot take on celebrity
172
00:07:05,484 --> 00:07:07,909
has made him a celebrity in his own right.
173
00:07:07,986 --> 00:07:09,819
People are dumb.
174
00:07:09,821 --> 00:07:11,171
- Uh, don't kill me.
175
00:07:11,247 --> 00:07:14,007
- Kill you?
I should opposite kill you.
176
00:07:14,009 --> 00:07:16,601
Birth you?
Point is, they loved it.
177
00:07:16,828 --> 00:07:18,311
We fight fire with fire.
178
00:07:18,497 --> 00:07:20,439
If they're gonna put
a celebrity on the stand,
179
00:07:20,441 --> 00:07:21,331
so will we.
180
00:07:21,333 --> 00:07:22,832
You ready for your close-up?
181
00:07:22,926 --> 00:07:25,018
- Well, Chief, I guess you
forgot about the tattoo I got
182
00:07:25,094 --> 00:07:27,612
just so I could
answer questions like this.
183
00:07:28,765 --> 00:07:30,365
Oops.
184
00:07:34,288 --> 00:07:36,029
- All we gotta do is make you
185
00:07:36,031 --> 00:07:39,106
as famous as Lil' Betsy
and the case is ours.
186
00:07:39,201 --> 00:07:40,942
- But I'm not used
to all these lights and cameras
187
00:07:41,036 --> 00:07:42,702
and silicone nipple covers.
188
00:07:42,854 --> 00:07:43,778
Though it is very cold in here.
189
00:07:43,855 --> 00:07:45,112
- You'll be fine.
190
00:07:45,207 --> 00:07:48,300
If you get nervous, just
imagine it's a crime scene.
191
00:07:50,195 --> 00:07:51,528
- Welcome back.
192
00:07:51,530 --> 00:07:54,288
Marvin Flute, you're known
for telling it how it is,
193
00:07:54,308 --> 00:07:56,883
so we wanted to get some more
of your hot takes.
194
00:07:56,977 --> 00:07:59,202
First up, pineapple on pizza:
195
00:07:59,204 --> 00:08:01,796
acceptable topping,
or should we be stopping?
196
00:08:01,798 --> 00:08:02,814
- Pineapple on pizza?
197
00:08:03,041 --> 00:08:05,725
Um, well, it's--
198
00:08:05,819 --> 00:08:07,635
Crime scene.
199
00:08:11,066 --> 00:08:12,732
- Detective Flute?
200
00:08:12,734 --> 00:08:15,994
Detective Flute?
201
00:08:16,071 --> 00:08:17,904
- Pineapple on pizza is fine.
202
00:08:17,981 --> 00:08:18,905
You know what sucks?
203
00:08:18,982 --> 00:08:19,998
People who make a big deal
204
00:08:20,000 --> 00:08:21,833
about putting
pineapple on pizza.
205
00:08:21,835 --> 00:08:22,834
I'm sick of those losers
206
00:08:23,061 --> 00:08:24,577
acting like they're edgy
or interesting.
207
00:08:24,671 --> 00:08:27,154
Are you really that bothered
by fruit on some za,
208
00:08:27,249 --> 00:08:28,673
or are you just squawking
your way through life
209
00:08:28,900 --> 00:08:33,086
until they bury you in a coffin
where the only topping is dirt?
210
00:08:38,910 --> 00:08:40,093
- Here's what we're gonna do.
211
00:08:40,262 --> 00:08:42,020
I'm gonna show you pictures
of other red liquids
212
00:08:42,097 --> 00:08:43,504
that you don't have
any problem with,
213
00:08:43,524 --> 00:08:46,115
and then slowly start
mixing in pictures of blood
214
00:08:46,117 --> 00:08:47,584
until you're desensitized.
215
00:08:47,586 --> 00:08:50,270
Are you ready?
- Are you sure this'll work?
216
00:08:50,364 --> 00:08:51,921
Trust me.
217
00:08:51,923 --> 00:08:53,423
I don't just call myself
a mentor
218
00:08:53,425 --> 00:08:56,535
so I can get the teacher
discount on my cell phone plan.
219
00:08:58,613 --> 00:08:59,520
- Wait, what?
220
00:08:59,689 --> 00:09:01,264
No, Summers,
this one's just ketchup.
221
00:09:01,266 --> 00:09:02,874
- It's blood! It's blood!
222
00:09:03,101 --> 00:09:04,934
- No, it's just ketchup.
223
00:09:04,936 --> 00:09:06,936
- So you're saying
that liquid
224
00:09:06,938 --> 00:09:08,288
is from tomatoes?
225
00:09:08,364 --> 00:09:11,124
- Yeah, that's right.
Just tomatoes.
226
00:09:11,200 --> 00:09:13,034
- It's the blood of tomatoes!
227
00:09:13,128 --> 00:09:16,296
How many innocent tomatoes
had to die?
228
00:09:16,298 --> 00:09:19,449
- I thought I was a mentor,
but maybe I'm not.
229
00:09:19,451 --> 00:09:20,392
My whole identity,
230
00:09:20,543 --> 00:09:23,061
my fraudulent
cell phone discount--
231
00:09:23,063 --> 00:09:24,954
it was all a lie.
232
00:09:24,956 --> 00:09:27,791
Goodbye, unlimited data.
233
00:09:28,310 --> 00:09:29,642
- Hurry up.
We don't have much time.
234
00:09:29,811 --> 00:09:33,313
- Exactly, so why are we on
a gondola tour at Mount Taj?
235
00:09:33,315 --> 00:09:35,799
Hey, is it me,
or does "Mount Taj"
236
00:09:35,801 --> 00:09:37,058
kind of sound like "monta"--
237
00:09:37,060 --> 00:09:38,468
- Welcome to Mount Taj.
238
00:09:38,561 --> 00:09:40,470
As we begin our ascent, on your right,
239
00:09:40,472 --> 00:09:42,822
you'll also see Flute begin his.
240
00:09:42,899 --> 00:09:44,732
- And here's another thing: something must be done
241
00:09:44,734 --> 00:09:48,569
about people waving goodbye at the end of Zooms.
242
00:09:48,647 --> 00:09:51,089
You're leaving a meeting,
not setting sail for America.
243
00:09:51,166 --> 00:09:53,091
- On your left, watch our hero
244
00:09:53,168 --> 00:09:55,001
continuing along the trajectory of his arc
245
00:09:55,078 --> 00:09:56,243
at lightning speed.
246
00:09:56,412 --> 00:09:57,429
- And you know
what else I hate?
247
00:09:57,505 --> 00:09:59,764
Sheets.
They're basically bed lettuce.
248
00:09:59,766 --> 00:10:01,007
Until now.
249
00:10:01,101 --> 00:10:02,508
At the Sheet Shtore,
you can always find
250
00:10:02,603 --> 00:10:05,495
the best in bedding because
we actually give a sheet!
251
00:10:05,497 --> 00:10:07,606
- And on the right, you'll see a mountain lion
252
00:10:07,608 --> 00:10:08,923
mauling a camper.
253
00:10:10,593 --> 00:10:12,426
- But if you look just past that,
254
00:10:12,504 --> 00:10:14,762
you'll find Flute finally achieving his goal.
255
00:10:14,840 --> 00:10:15,855
- I wouldn't eat that,
256
00:10:16,024 --> 00:10:17,841
unless you like snacking
on murder pies.
257
00:10:17,934 --> 00:10:19,025
- Sorry, Lil' Betsy,
258
00:10:19,102 --> 00:10:21,344
but if that's
what Marvin Flute thinks,
259
00:10:21,437 --> 00:10:23,437
then that's good enough
for me to decide
260
00:10:23,515 --> 00:10:26,124
this is not good enough
for me.
261
00:10:26,126 --> 00:10:28,943
- She did what you said
because you said it.
262
00:10:28,945 --> 00:10:29,961
We did it, Flute.
263
00:10:29,963 --> 00:10:33,131
You are...a celebrity.
264
00:10:33,358 --> 00:10:35,208
- Thank you for visiting Mount Taj,
265
00:10:35,360 --> 00:10:38,711
for when there's a lot to get across but not much time.
266
00:10:39,622 --> 00:10:41,197
- I'm ready to resume
your mentorship
267
00:10:41,199 --> 00:10:42,641
on my little fear of...
268
00:10:42,792 --> 00:10:44,200
vein Cholula.
269
00:10:44,202 --> 00:10:46,035
- Great, here's what
you're gonna do:
270
00:10:46,204 --> 00:10:47,387
ask someone else.
271
00:10:47,463 --> 00:10:49,981
- What?
- I've lost my mentor mojo.
272
00:10:50,208 --> 00:10:51,374
- But you're
the greatest mentor
273
00:10:51,376 --> 00:10:53,134
this department has ever had.
274
00:10:53,228 --> 00:10:55,302
I can't stand that
I'm the one who broke you,
275
00:10:55,397 --> 00:10:58,639
which is why I'm gonna help you
become a mentor again.
276
00:10:58,641 --> 00:11:00,474
- You're gonna help me?
277
00:11:00,552 --> 00:11:01,308
- That's right.
278
00:11:01,386 --> 00:11:03,144
I'm gonna mentor the mentor
279
00:11:03,221 --> 00:11:04,904
so you can mentor me,
your mentee,
280
00:11:04,998 --> 00:11:06,222
like you're meant to.
281
00:11:06,224 --> 00:11:08,224
It's gonna be mental.
282
00:11:08,317 --> 00:11:10,576
- When your Dad ran away
for several years
283
00:11:10,671 --> 00:11:13,913
after a nervous breakdown,
who was there for you?
284
00:11:13,915 --> 00:11:15,507
Lil' Betsy's Pies.
285
00:11:15,734 --> 00:11:18,751
When your mom hibernated
through your 11th birthday,
286
00:11:18,904 --> 00:11:20,069
who was there for you?
287
00:11:20,163 --> 00:11:21,846
Lil' Betsy's Pies.
288
00:11:22,073 --> 00:11:23,072
When--
- Cut!
289
00:11:23,241 --> 00:11:25,332
Stan, you are--
and I mean this
290
00:11:25,410 --> 00:11:28,761
in the nicest way possible--
demented.
291
00:11:28,855 --> 00:11:30,337
OK, fine.
292
00:11:30,432 --> 00:11:32,582
So I've never had a D-Lite Pie.
293
00:11:32,584 --> 00:11:33,599
- I knew it!
294
00:11:33,694 --> 00:11:35,843
Script reeked of phoniness.
295
00:11:35,862 --> 00:11:37,028
It's a page-one rewrite.
296
00:11:37,030 --> 00:11:39,272
Put on a pot of coffee,
297
00:11:39,274 --> 00:11:41,032
because we're gonna
be up all night writing
298
00:11:41,034 --> 00:11:43,443
and I need something
to pour on passing joggers
299
00:11:43,537 --> 00:11:44,703
to stay awake.
300
00:11:46,189 --> 00:11:48,206
- Never knew Jinkos
had a VIP room.
301
00:11:48,283 --> 00:11:51,117
I can't believe I wasted my
life getting wasted downstairs.
302
00:11:51,194 --> 00:11:53,453
Wait, why can't we get a table?
303
00:11:53,455 --> 00:11:56,122
- It's fine. Let's just focus
on prepping your testimony.
304
00:11:56,199 --> 00:11:57,549
Now--
- Why does Skid Marcus
305
00:11:57,625 --> 00:11:58,942
have a table and I don't?
306
00:11:58,944 --> 00:12:00,385
Sure, he's the number one
dry cleaner in town,
307
00:12:00,462 --> 00:12:02,036
but what's he ever
ranted about?
308
00:12:02,130 --> 00:12:03,446
Besides those pants
I brought in
309
00:12:03,448 --> 00:12:04,464
after the Chili Cook-Off.
310
00:12:04,632 --> 00:12:06,816
- I feel like you're
losing the plot here.
311
00:12:06,818 --> 00:12:10,228
You're only pretending to be
a celebrity to win the trial.
312
00:12:10,305 --> 00:12:11,563
- But how can I pretend
I'm a celebrity
313
00:12:11,790 --> 00:12:13,623
when I'm sitting at the bar
like a schlub?
314
00:12:13,625 --> 00:12:14,974
You need to start
pretending to be
315
00:12:15,068 --> 00:12:16,884
my pretend manager
and get me a table!
316
00:12:16,962 --> 00:12:18,403
Now!
- Yes, right away.
317
00:12:18,630 --> 00:12:20,964
- And find out how we get
my picture on the wall!
318
00:12:21,057 --> 00:12:22,741
Do I just put it up myself?
319
00:12:22,817 --> 00:12:25,059
- I could put that up for you.
320
00:12:25,061 --> 00:12:26,803
- Oh, wow, thank you.
That's so--
321
00:12:29,808 --> 00:12:30,974
Lil' Betsy?
322
00:12:30,976 --> 00:12:32,992
- Uh, can I interest you
323
00:12:32,994 --> 00:12:35,903
in a you of champagne?
324
00:12:36,998 --> 00:12:38,831
- What? Oh, flute.
325
00:12:38,908 --> 00:12:39,999
Champagne flute.
My name is Flute.
326
00:12:40,093 --> 00:12:41,150
I'm gonna use that.
327
00:12:41,152 --> 00:12:42,835
But no, thank you.
328
00:12:42,929 --> 00:12:44,170
I'm not sure how it would look
329
00:12:44,339 --> 00:12:45,930
to be drinking
with a probable murderer.
330
00:12:46,007 --> 00:12:47,932
- I couldn't help
overhearing your convo
331
00:12:48,159 --> 00:12:50,101
with that giant loud woman.
332
00:12:50,178 --> 00:12:52,161
You can't expect regs like that
333
00:12:52,163 --> 00:12:54,330
to understand
A-listers like us.
334
00:12:54,332 --> 00:12:55,515
- Oh, thank you.
335
00:12:55,776 --> 00:12:57,591
I feel like I'm always having
to explain myself to her.
336
00:12:57,593 --> 00:13:01,354
- Well, maybe you should
hang out with someone
337
00:13:01,430 --> 00:13:03,840
you don't have
to explain yourself to
338
00:13:03,975 --> 00:13:06,025
because she already understands
339
00:13:06,027 --> 00:13:08,102
and doesn't care
because she's too busy
340
00:13:08,104 --> 00:13:10,346
thinking about herself.
341
00:13:10,348 --> 00:13:11,939
- Exactly!
I'm sorry, what did you say?
342
00:13:11,958 --> 00:13:13,440
I was thinking about myself.
343
00:13:13,518 --> 00:13:16,795
I said, why don't the two of us
get out of here?
344
00:13:16,871 --> 00:13:18,021
- Exactly!
345
00:13:18,023 --> 00:13:19,355
Hey, here's
an even better idea.
346
00:13:19,357 --> 00:13:21,591
Why don't the two of us
get out of here?
347
00:13:25,196 --> 00:13:26,879
- This isn't gonna work.
348
00:13:26,881 --> 00:13:28,289
- We'll see about that.
349
00:13:28,366 --> 00:13:30,975
I brought some friends of mine
who are having trouble
350
00:13:31,052 --> 00:13:33,127
learning proper
police booking procedure.
351
00:13:33,129 --> 00:13:35,054
Can you help them?
352
00:13:35,131 --> 00:13:37,982
- No, mentorship is more
of a one-on-one thing.
353
00:13:38,209 --> 00:13:39,392
- I know,
but you know how it is.
354
00:13:39,394 --> 00:13:41,986
If I bring Gretchen,
I have to bring Mr. Pancake,
355
00:13:42,063 --> 00:13:43,304
and then if you've got Mr. P,
356
00:13:43,398 --> 00:13:45,139
you kind of have to take
the whole Cuddle Crew,
357
00:13:45,158 --> 00:13:46,215
so pretty soon--
358
00:13:46,217 --> 00:13:47,308
- It's not just that.
359
00:13:47,402 --> 00:13:50,053
You can't mentor someone
by making them learn it.
360
00:13:50,146 --> 00:13:51,812
They have to live it.
361
00:13:51,906 --> 00:13:52,905
You're right.
362
00:13:53,058 --> 00:13:54,223
Who am I kidding?
363
00:13:54,317 --> 00:13:56,835
I guess I was never meant
to mentor a mentor.
364
00:13:58,229 --> 00:14:00,988
Okay, fine, just come with me.
365
00:14:01,066 --> 00:14:02,489
I know where you need to go.
366
00:14:02,567 --> 00:14:04,676
- All right!
We're going for a ride, guys.
367
00:14:04,903 --> 00:14:06,569
- No. Just you.
368
00:14:06,662 --> 00:14:07,753
- Okay.
369
00:14:07,848 --> 00:14:09,013
I'll send an Uber.
370
00:14:11,334 --> 00:14:13,017
- Is there anything worse
than when the Make-a-Wish kid
371
00:14:13,019 --> 00:14:14,577
you're visiting
doesn't look sick enough...
372
00:14:14,579 --> 00:14:16,762
both:
So you can't post the picture?
373
00:14:18,416 --> 00:14:21,025
Well, it's a shame
we're on two different sides
374
00:14:21,027 --> 00:14:23,936
when we should really
be on the same side...
375
00:14:24,030 --> 00:14:26,347
of the bed.
376
00:14:27,367 --> 00:14:30,426
- So...how did you lose
your teeth?
377
00:14:30,428 --> 00:14:32,778
- Well, with a pair of pliers.
378
00:14:32,780 --> 00:14:33,930
- Did it hurt?
379
00:14:34,065 --> 00:14:36,099
- Well, not as much
as not being recognized.
380
00:14:36,192 --> 00:14:39,102
I won't let anything
stop me from being famous!
381
00:14:39,195 --> 00:14:41,254
And neither should you.
382
00:14:42,399 --> 00:14:45,291
Well, ain't that the truth?
383
00:14:45,368 --> 00:14:47,218
- You should have one of those
in your bedroom.
384
00:14:47,295 --> 00:14:50,630
- Oh, totally!
Come on, let's take it.
385
00:14:51,950 --> 00:14:53,040
Oh, you're serious.
386
00:14:53,118 --> 00:14:54,800
I can't steal that.
I'm a detective.
387
00:14:54,877 --> 00:14:57,729
- But you're also a celebrity.
388
00:14:57,731 --> 00:14:59,138
- And laws are laws.
389
00:14:59,140 --> 00:15:00,231
We're not different
than anyone else.
390
00:15:00,458 --> 00:15:01,457
- Aren't we?
391
00:15:01,626 --> 00:15:05,737
I mean, we're VIP,
very important people,
392
00:15:05,964 --> 00:15:08,147
and not to us, to them.
393
00:15:08,149 --> 00:15:11,225
Our fans want us to be special.
394
00:15:11,302 --> 00:15:13,411
Now, why else would they
buy our pies
395
00:15:13,413 --> 00:15:16,322
or listen to our rants
or watch our sex tapes?
396
00:15:16,416 --> 00:15:18,641
- Yeah, I mean,
even detectives are allowed
397
00:15:18,643 --> 00:15:20,567
to break the speed limit
when you're in pursuit.
398
00:15:20,662 --> 00:15:22,995
And zookeepers are allowed
to bring home animals
399
00:15:23,072 --> 00:15:24,905
on the weekend
to ride around...
400
00:15:24,999 --> 00:15:25,998
I assume.
401
00:15:26,075 --> 00:15:27,500
I mean, why else have that job?
402
00:15:27,594 --> 00:15:31,078
So now that I'm a celebrity,
I guess...
403
00:15:40,999 --> 00:15:42,089
Crap!
404
00:15:42,167 --> 00:15:43,332
- Oh, my God!
- Whoa!
405
00:15:43,334 --> 00:15:46,444
Why was there no sign?
406
00:15:51,952 --> 00:15:52,951
- Where have you been?
407
00:15:53,027 --> 00:15:54,619
The trial is about to start.
408
00:15:54,696 --> 00:15:56,454
- Sorry I'm dope.
409
00:15:56,681 --> 00:15:59,532
- Ooh, I love this look--
Pete Davidson meets a buffet.
410
00:15:59,608 --> 00:16:01,867
Mm, this is gonna kill
on the stand today.
411
00:16:01,962 --> 00:16:04,020
- I know,
except for one little tweak.
412
00:16:04,022 --> 00:16:06,965
I'm testifying for Lil' Betsy,
413
00:16:07,133 --> 00:16:09,801
especially now that Lil' B
and I are a power couple.
414
00:16:09,877 --> 00:16:11,135
- You're in too deep.
415
00:16:11,212 --> 00:16:13,529
You can't seriously
be falling for her.
416
00:16:13,531 --> 00:16:14,806
- Why wouldn't I?
417
00:16:15,033 --> 00:16:16,307
I'm not gonna Hugh Jackman
this thing and date a normie.
418
00:16:16,476 --> 00:16:18,959
I need someone who knows what
it's like to be a celebrity
419
00:16:18,961 --> 00:16:20,928
and keep me in the news cycle.
420
00:16:20,963 --> 00:16:22,054
And she does both
of those things
421
00:16:22,207 --> 00:16:23,889
and a whole lot more.
422
00:16:23,966 --> 00:16:25,966
Ooh, a whole lot.
423
00:16:26,060 --> 00:16:27,968
You'll see
when the tape comes out.
424
00:16:28,062 --> 00:16:31,990
- Money, power, sex, pie!
425
00:16:32,217 --> 00:16:34,050
Should I be saying "sex pie"?
426
00:16:34,052 --> 00:16:35,827
- Hack! Get out of the way.
427
00:16:35,829 --> 00:16:37,720
Let me show you how it's done.
428
00:16:37,722 --> 00:16:39,646
1776.
429
00:16:39,741 --> 00:16:41,165
Colonial Boston.
430
00:16:41,392 --> 00:16:43,984
A man is about to be hanged.
431
00:16:44,062 --> 00:16:46,653
Is he guilty?
It doesn't matter.
432
00:16:46,731 --> 00:16:48,064
"Any last words?"
433
00:16:48,082 --> 00:16:50,900
"Just one. Pie."
434
00:16:50,902 --> 00:16:52,735
- Mm, not bad.
435
00:16:52,904 --> 00:16:54,661
- That was my first time
doing something on camera
436
00:16:54,756 --> 00:16:56,589
that wasn't X-rated.
437
00:16:56,665 --> 00:16:57,798
Felt weird.
438
00:16:59,427 --> 00:17:02,854
- Rap.
Stands for Rhythm And Poetry.
439
00:17:03,081 --> 00:17:04,747
Poetry is for the soul.
440
00:17:04,749 --> 00:17:09,176
And you're looking at your
soul sister right here.
441
00:17:09,254 --> 00:17:11,921
Can I try the folding chair
one more time?
442
00:17:11,923 --> 00:17:14,848
- Wow, a whole store
just for mentors?
443
00:17:14,942 --> 00:17:17,777
- They got everything you need
to change someone else's life.
444
00:17:17,929 --> 00:17:19,203
- Am I to gather
445
00:17:19,430 --> 00:17:21,355
this is your first time
mentoring, young man?
446
00:17:21,432 --> 00:17:24,149
How exciting.
I remember my first.
447
00:17:24,227 --> 00:17:25,451
I taught a child
that the attention
448
00:17:25,603 --> 00:17:28,379
she desperately craved
must come from within.
449
00:17:28,456 --> 00:17:30,106
- I taught
a troubled quarterback
450
00:17:30,199 --> 00:17:32,199
that the only throw
he'd never complete
451
00:17:32,293 --> 00:17:34,201
was to the father
who was never there.
452
00:17:34,279 --> 00:17:36,779
- Oh, and I choked a genius
to get him to respect
453
00:17:36,781 --> 00:17:38,205
my farting dead wife.
454
00:17:38,207 --> 00:17:40,116
- And what about
your first time, Kang?
455
00:17:40,118 --> 00:17:42,560
- Ah, it's silly.
Nobody wants to hear that.
456
00:17:42,729 --> 00:17:43,953
- Oh, please?
457
00:17:43,955 --> 00:17:44,896
- Word, dawg.
458
00:17:45,123 --> 00:17:46,046
- Yes, you must.
459
00:17:46,066 --> 00:17:47,714
- It was a long time ago.
460
00:17:47,716 --> 00:17:48,808
He had just fought in the war
461
00:17:48,960 --> 00:17:50,735
and wondered what he
could offer the world,
462
00:17:50,737 --> 00:17:52,144
until he finally realized
463
00:17:52,146 --> 00:17:54,054
that it was the world
that made the offers.
464
00:17:54,056 --> 00:17:55,740
And I taught that to...
465
00:17:55,967 --> 00:17:57,075
the man in the mirror.
466
00:17:57,151 --> 00:17:58,818
- Michael Jacks--
- Me.
467
00:17:58,894 --> 00:18:00,411
I taught it to me.
468
00:18:00,488 --> 00:18:01,412
- Oh, good.
469
00:18:01,414 --> 00:18:03,230
That could have been
problematic.
470
00:18:03,232 --> 00:18:05,065
- See, you can't help others
471
00:18:05,234 --> 00:18:07,752
until you've
helped yourself, Summers.
472
00:18:07,829 --> 00:18:10,237
- That's a very wise lesson...
473
00:18:10,331 --> 00:18:12,423
you mentor!
474
00:18:12,500 --> 00:18:13,833
And now that you're
a mentor again,
475
00:18:14,001 --> 00:18:16,152
you can help me get over
my fear of blood.
476
00:18:16,154 --> 00:18:18,930
- Unless I already did.
477
00:18:19,599 --> 00:18:23,768
You've been standing in real
human blood this whole time.
478
00:18:23,803 --> 00:18:26,920
I'm cured!
479
00:18:26,998 --> 00:18:28,589
You mentored me, Kang.
480
00:18:28,666 --> 00:18:30,591
Although, actually,
I mentored you
481
00:18:30,668 --> 00:18:32,835
by making you bring me here
in the first place.
482
00:18:32,837 --> 00:18:34,278
- Or did you?
483
00:18:34,505 --> 00:18:36,555
You think there's a store
just for mentors?
484
00:18:36,633 --> 00:18:38,507
I hired these people
to make you think
485
00:18:38,509 --> 00:18:40,451
you were mentoring me
to be a mentor again
486
00:18:40,528 --> 00:18:41,953
when, in fact,
I was mentoring you
487
00:18:42,029 --> 00:18:43,770
to mentor me to mentor you.
488
00:18:43,865 --> 00:18:46,182
- Or were you?
489
00:18:46,275 --> 00:18:47,350
- Huh?
490
00:18:47,535 --> 00:18:49,109
- I don't know, I thought
maybe that would work.
491
00:18:50,296 --> 00:18:52,779
- One of 'em threw up
in the back of my Uber.
492
00:18:53,782 --> 00:18:55,024
- Defense, your witness.
493
00:18:55,026 --> 00:18:56,283
- Objection, your honor.
494
00:18:56,377 --> 00:18:58,136
The witness and the accused
are clearly flirting.
495
00:18:58,138 --> 00:19:00,138
- Oh, we're way beyond
flirting.
496
00:19:00,140 --> 00:19:03,199
If flirting is the lobby,
we're at, like, the 17th floor,
497
00:19:03,201 --> 00:19:05,143
where the business center is.
498
00:19:05,219 --> 00:19:07,203
- Flirting overruled.
499
00:19:07,205 --> 00:19:10,556
Let the record reflect
that things are getting spicy.
500
00:19:10,633 --> 00:19:12,725
- Look, I know
what you all want from me:
501
00:19:12,801 --> 00:19:13,893
a hot take.
502
00:19:13,895 --> 00:19:14,986
Well, here's one.
503
00:19:14,988 --> 00:19:17,062
Lil' Betsy killed him...
504
00:19:18,549 --> 00:19:19,640
In self-defense!
505
00:19:20,809 --> 00:19:22,718
And she did it adorably.
506
00:19:22,720 --> 00:19:24,387
all: Aww!
507
00:19:24,480 --> 00:19:26,222
- That talk-show host
was threatening you,
508
00:19:26,224 --> 00:19:28,224
so you defended yourself,
isn't that right?
509
00:19:28,226 --> 00:19:30,317
- Objection! The witness
is acting like a lawyer.
510
00:19:30,395 --> 00:19:32,561
- We get it.
You went to law school.
511
00:19:32,563 --> 00:19:33,229
Overruled.
512
00:19:33,231 --> 00:19:34,338
- He was attacking me.
513
00:19:34,565 --> 00:19:37,008
He said I was too old
to be Lil' Betsy.
514
00:19:37,084 --> 00:19:38,492
- Who says that?
515
00:19:38,494 --> 00:19:39,919
I'll tell you who:
a celebrity who thinks
516
00:19:39,995 --> 00:19:41,495
the rules don't apply to them.
517
00:19:41,497 --> 00:19:42,254
- Exactly.
518
00:19:42,348 --> 00:19:43,330
- Even if that means attacking
519
00:19:43,424 --> 00:19:45,999
a poor old,
less popular celebrity.
520
00:19:46,093 --> 00:19:47,167
- What? No!
521
00:19:47,261 --> 00:19:50,021
I'm a much bigger star
than he ever was.
522
00:19:50,023 --> 00:19:52,190
Ugh. He could never hurt me.
523
00:19:52,266 --> 00:19:54,250
- Oh, sorry,
I guess I'm confused.
524
00:19:54,343 --> 00:19:56,843
Did you feel threatened
by a bigger celebrity
525
00:19:56,863 --> 00:19:58,087
and defend yourself?
526
00:19:58,180 --> 00:19:59,922
Or are you an A-lister
who felt so entitled
527
00:19:59,924 --> 00:20:01,014
that you killed a man
because you knew
528
00:20:01,108 --> 00:20:03,034
you were famous enough
to get away with it?
529
00:20:03,110 --> 00:20:04,927
Which one is it?
Who was the bigger star?
530
00:20:06,689 --> 00:20:09,856
- It wasn't me!
531
00:20:09,934 --> 00:20:11,450
Sorry, force of habit.
532
00:20:11,527 --> 00:20:12,543
It was me.
533
00:20:14,196 --> 00:20:15,880
I killed that man
in cold blood,
534
00:20:16,107 --> 00:20:17,715
and I ate all those pies.
535
00:20:17,792 --> 00:20:19,124
It was me!
536
00:20:19,201 --> 00:20:21,219
It's always been me!
537
00:20:22,538 --> 00:20:26,449
- In light of this,
I find Lil' Betsy guilty.
538
00:20:26,467 --> 00:20:29,952
I hope you can still be
adorable in an orange jumpsuit.
539
00:20:29,954 --> 00:20:31,287
Who am I kidding?
540
00:20:31,289 --> 00:20:33,481
I almost wanna go to jail
just to see it.
541
00:20:34,625 --> 00:20:36,642
- So you did all this
to convince her
542
00:20:36,644 --> 00:20:38,051
you were on her side--
543
00:20:38,145 --> 00:20:41,054
the fight with me,
dating her, the fake tattoos.
544
00:20:41,148 --> 00:20:42,889
- Yes, fake tattoos,
545
00:20:42,984 --> 00:20:45,801
which is something
I knew existed.
546
00:20:45,803 --> 00:20:47,987
Jinkos? Not VIP.
547
00:20:48,155 --> 00:20:49,989
- Need a ride?
548
00:20:50,065 --> 00:20:53,492
Hop on.
I got her the whole weekend.
549
00:20:53,494 --> 00:20:54,585
- I call shotgun.
550
00:20:57,090 --> 00:21:00,091
- The tape you sent us
was amazing.
551
00:21:00,167 --> 00:21:01,667
We're gonna be rich!
552
00:21:01,744 --> 00:21:04,428
I'm gonna buy you so many
parents that'll love you.
553
00:21:04,597 --> 00:21:05,596
- 30 seconds of dead air,
554
00:21:05,765 --> 00:21:08,007
then a kid walks in
and says, "Not bad."
555
00:21:08,083 --> 00:21:09,325
Genius!
556
00:21:09,327 --> 00:21:11,102
- So I'm the new Lil' Betsy?
557
00:21:11,178 --> 00:21:14,163
- Oh, God, no.
We just want the concept.
558
00:21:14,165 --> 00:21:16,107
- Demand points
on the back end.
559
00:21:16,276 --> 00:21:19,193
- Could I have a single pie?
560
00:21:28,863 --> 00:21:31,038
Does this have peanuts?
561
00:21:34,943 --> 00:21:36,460
Bento.
41019
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