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We are often told
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00:00:36,103 --> 00:00:41,651
that happily-ever-afters
exist only in the pages of fairy tales
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00:00:41,817 --> 00:00:45,321
and in the naive minds
of sheltered innocents.
4
00:00:45,488 --> 00:00:49,533
And yet, on this bright,
sunny, Boston afternoon,
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00:00:49,700 --> 00:00:53,663
a talking teddy bear
is about to marry his girlfriend,
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00:00:53,829 --> 00:00:55,623
proving two things.
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Happy endings can come true for anyone.
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And America doesn't give
a shit about anything.
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00:01:03,047 --> 00:01:05,049
Do you, Tami-Lynn McCafferty,
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take this teddy bear to be your lawfully
wedded husband?
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I do.
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00:01:11,013 --> 00:01:12,556
And do you, Ted,
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00:01:12,640 --> 00:01:16,185
take this woman to be your lawfully
wedded wife?
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Fuckin' A right, I do!
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Then, by the power vested in me,
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I now pronounce you husband and wife.
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You may kiss the bear.
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00:01:49,385 --> 00:01:52,096
Ladies and gentlemen, your newlyweds!
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00:02:00,271 --> 00:02:02,815
Teddy, this is the best day of my life!
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00:02:03,274 --> 00:02:04,817
I just love you so much.
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00:02:04,900 --> 00:02:06,527
I love you, too, baby.
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00:02:06,610 --> 00:02:09,280
I'm gonna go fifty shades of bear
on you tonight.
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00:02:09,613 --> 00:02:10,656
Let's go get shit-faced!
24
00:02:10,740 --> 00:02:11,940
Okay!
25
00:02:14,201 --> 00:02:15,401
Thank you.
26
00:02:19,582 --> 00:02:21,792
Hey, congrats, you mofos.
27
00:02:21,876 --> 00:02:22,877
Oh, hey, Guy.
28
00:02:22,960 --> 00:02:24,545
Beautiful ceremony.
29
00:02:24,712 --> 00:02:26,808
Oh, Thank you so much
for being a part of it.
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00:02:26,964 --> 00:02:28,679
Hey, this is my new boyfriend, Rick.
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00:02:28,841 --> 00:02:29,842
How you doing?
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00:02:29,967 --> 00:02:30,968
Good, good.
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00:02:31,135 --> 00:02:35,056
He's a gourmet chef, So he knows how
to toss a salad.
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00:02:39,727 --> 00:02:41,979
Rick and I are actually about
to tie the knot.
35
00:02:42,313 --> 00:02:44,065
Oh, you guys are getting married?
36
00:02:44,148 --> 00:02:46,130
No, we're just gonna
go home and tie our dicks together.
37
00:02:46,150 --> 00:02:47,568
- Ha! Fuck you.
- Fuck you.
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00:02:47,651 --> 00:02:48,986
Deal.
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00:02:56,494 --> 00:02:58,662
Hey, buddy.
You okay, there?
40
00:02:58,829 --> 00:03:00,122
You look a little down.
41
00:03:00,206 --> 00:03:03,064
Are you still shaking off that hangover from
the bachelor party?
42
00:03:03,084 --> 00:03:04,794
Oh!
That's nice.
43
00:03:04,960 --> 00:03:06,913
Oh, my god, She's fucking begging for it!
44
00:03:07,004 --> 00:03:09,882
She's totally
begging, get it, get in there.
45
00:03:09,965 --> 00:03:12,009
Look at her.
She wants it bad!
46
00:03:12,176 --> 00:03:13,260
Oh, yeah.
She wants more
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00:03:13,344 --> 00:03:15,596
than just a fucking pizza delivery, huh?
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00:03:15,679 --> 00:03:18,682
That's bigger than the average bear
right there, I tell you.
49
00:03:18,849 --> 00:03:21,624
You know what's fucked up? Dude, that's
somebody's fucking daughter!
50
00:03:21,644 --> 00:03:24,105
Oh, shit!
Jesus! Come on!
51
00:03:25,356 --> 00:03:28,400
I'm fine, I was thinking about Lori.
52
00:03:28,984 --> 00:03:31,153
Oh, Johnny, come on, man.
53
00:03:31,237 --> 00:03:33,739
It's been six months since you guys
got divorced.
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00:03:33,823 --> 00:03:35,699
I know, I know.
It's just that...
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00:03:35,991 --> 00:03:38,035
Being back in that church again.
56
00:03:38,702 --> 00:03:41,018
I mean, everything seemed like it was
gonna be so perfect.
57
00:03:41,038 --> 00:03:42,686
Yeah, well, you're not the first guy
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00:03:42,706 --> 00:03:43,906
to marry the wrong girl.
59
00:03:43,999 --> 00:03:46,752
Hey, hey!
Big day, huh, bud?
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00:03:47,044 --> 00:03:50,881
You guys wanna celebrate with a little
something else, hmm?
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00:03:51,048 --> 00:03:53,300
Oh, uh, no, thanks, Sam.
Tami-Lynn would kill me
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00:03:53,384 --> 00:03:55,004
if I did drugs on our wedding day.
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00:03:55,052 --> 00:03:56,679
Ah, she won't notice.
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00:03:56,762 --> 00:03:59,056
I just did a line with a dude
in the men's room
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00:03:59,140 --> 00:04:01,559
and I bet you can't even spot him.
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00:04:09,400 --> 00:04:10,600
Yeah, I'm gonna pass.
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00:04:12,528 --> 00:04:15,322
I'm steppin' out with my honey
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00:04:15,406 --> 00:04:17,575
Can't be bad to feel so good
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00:04:17,741 --> 00:04:20,035
Never felt quite so sunny
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00:04:20,119 --> 00:04:21,996
So I keep on knockin' wood
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00:04:22,079 --> 00:04:24,415
Yeah, steppin' out with my baby
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00:04:24,582 --> 00:04:26,834
Can't go wrong 'cause I'm in right
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00:04:27,001 --> 00:04:29,545
Ask me when will the day be
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00:04:29,712 --> 00:04:33,007
The big day may be tonight
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00:04:33,090 --> 00:04:34,842
This is the best day of my life!
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00:07:25,596 --> 00:07:27,745
I'm starving, What the hell are
you doing over there?
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00:07:27,765 --> 00:07:28,807
I'm curing cancer.
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00:07:28,974 --> 00:07:31,248
I'm cooking your fucking steak.
What do you think I'm doing?
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00:07:31,268 --> 00:07:32,311
What do I think you're doing?
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00:07:32,436 --> 00:07:34,251
I think you're bleeding us dry,
is what I think you're doing.
81
00:07:34,271 --> 00:07:37,941
Look at this, look at this.
$129 at Filene's Basement.
82
00:07:38,150 --> 00:07:40,090
What are you buying over
there, Tami? Gold bars?
83
00:07:40,110 --> 00:07:41,759
I need clothes for work. All right, Teddy?
84
00:07:41,779 --> 00:07:44,345
What do you mean?
You wear a smook, you're a fucking cashier.
85
00:07:44,365 --> 00:07:45,407
Yeah? So are you!
86
00:07:45,491 --> 00:07:48,307
Yeah, exactly! And I'm not going out
and buying designer shit!
87
00:07:48,327 --> 00:07:49,527
Oh, no, no, no, no, no!
88
00:07:49,578 --> 00:07:51,727
You're just buying weed,
you're just buying drugs.
89
00:07:51,747 --> 00:07:52,748
You should fucking talk!
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00:07:52,831 --> 00:07:55,981
I was talking, I was just talking, just now,
until you interrupted me.
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00:07:56,001 --> 00:07:57,274
Well, I have to interrupt you or else
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00:07:57,294 --> 00:07:58,295
I never get to fucking say anything!
93
00:07:58,379 --> 00:07:59,380
Are you gonna let me finish talking?
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00:07:59,463 --> 00:08:00,464
You're always cutting me off!
95
00:08:00,547 --> 00:08:02,262
Are you gonna let me finish talking?
96
00:08:02,966 --> 00:08:04,406
It's important to look good at work.
97
00:08:04,426 --> 00:08:06,575
I am trying to climb the
corporate fence, here!
98
00:08:06,595 --> 00:08:08,035
Nobody's in there to look at your ass!
99
00:08:08,055 --> 00:08:09,286
You're acting like an asshole!
100
00:08:09,306 --> 00:08:10,891
Oh, what am I acting like, Tami?
101
00:08:10,974 --> 00:08:12,456
You're acting like a fucking asshole!
102
00:08:12,476 --> 00:08:14,124
Like an asshole! That's
what you're acting like!
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00:08:14,144 --> 00:08:17,086
You don't got to dress like Elizabeth Taylor
to put a yam in a plastic bag!
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00:08:17,106 --> 00:08:19,358
I am the face of the business! Okay?
105
00:08:19,483 --> 00:08:21,256
The face of the business?
So get the fuck off my case!
106
00:08:21,276 --> 00:08:23,654
Jesus Christ! Listen to
you! You're delusional!
107
00:08:23,737 --> 00:08:26,136
I should've married Robert
DiCicco. I really should've.
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00:08:26,156 --> 00:08:27,638
Fine! Fine! Go torture that asshole!
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00:08:27,658 --> 00:08:28,909
He treated me good!
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00:08:28,992 --> 00:08:32,746
And he had a dick!
He had an awesome dick!
111
00:08:32,830 --> 00:08:35,999
Oh, newsflash! Boston
whore has seen Italian penis.
112
00:08:36,333 --> 00:08:38,315
What the fuck did you just call me, fucker?
113
00:08:38,335 --> 00:08:39,711
What did you fucking say?
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00:08:39,795 --> 00:08:41,088
Jesus! What the fuck?
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00:08:41,171 --> 00:08:43,173
You wanna call me a whore?
116
00:08:43,340 --> 00:08:44,425
You wanna throw shit?
117
00:08:44,508 --> 00:08:45,781
Yeah, I wanna fucking throw shit!
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00:08:45,801 --> 00:08:46,844
I'll fucking throw shit!
119
00:08:46,885 --> 00:08:49,138
Oh, Wow, There, see!
How do you like that?
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00:08:49,513 --> 00:08:50,597
I'm scared, Teddy!
121
00:08:50,681 --> 00:08:52,996
I'm really fucking scared of you,
you little fucking bear!
122
00:08:53,016 --> 00:08:54,309
Shut the fuck up!
123
00:08:54,393 --> 00:08:55,853
Oh, for Christ's sake!
124
00:08:56,186 --> 00:08:57,729
Hey, you shut the fuck up!
125
00:08:57,813 --> 00:08:59,253
Why don't you come down
and make me, tough guy?
126
00:08:59,273 --> 00:09:00,399
Yeah, why don't you come up here
127
00:09:00,482 --> 00:09:01,839
and make me come down there, tough guy?
128
00:09:01,859 --> 00:09:04,091
I am gonna come up there
and I'm gonna kick your fucking ass!
129
00:09:04,111 --> 00:09:05,551
Yeah, why don't you try it, asshole?
130
00:09:05,571 --> 00:09:07,364
Get your ass up here and kick my ass!
131
00:09:08,782 --> 00:09:10,013
Shut the fuck up, you stupid bitch!
132
00:09:10,033 --> 00:09:10,993
Hey, shut up, lady!
133
00:09:11,076 --> 00:09:13,036
Run the fuck back to Russia, you whore!
134
00:09:13,203 --> 00:09:14,455
Get the fuck out of here!
135
00:09:14,538 --> 00:09:15,824
People are trying to sleep!
136
00:09:15,873 --> 00:09:16,874
God damn it!
137
00:09:16,957 --> 00:09:18,157
Shut the fuck up!
138
00:09:18,834 --> 00:09:20,566
- Hey, I'm really sorry!
- Yeah, me, too.
139
00:09:20,586 --> 00:09:21,920
She's worse than us.
140
00:09:22,004 --> 00:09:23,380
Yeah, she's our enemy now.
141
00:09:30,971 --> 00:09:33,114
Have you guys at least tried
marriage therapy?
142
00:09:33,223 --> 00:09:35,392
Oh, God, yeah.
It was a frigging disaster.
143
00:09:35,476 --> 00:09:37,978
$250 and we didn't learn a goddamn thing.
144
00:09:38,061 --> 00:09:39,897
$250? Dude,
that's ridiculous!
145
00:09:39,980 --> 00:09:41,670
I mean, doesn't your insurance cover
that or something?
146
00:09:41,690 --> 00:09:44,548
Nah, Tami-Lynn tried to sign up for
Obamacare on the Internet,
147
00:09:44,568 --> 00:09:45,883
but I came back five minutes later,
148
00:09:45,903 --> 00:09:47,342
she was looking at black cocks.
149
00:09:47,362 --> 00:09:48,969
It seems like every time you go online,
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00:09:48,989 --> 00:09:50,637
you're two clicks away from black cocks.
151
00:09:50,657 --> 00:09:51,857
Look.
152
00:09:51,909 --> 00:09:54,578
See, I'll Google "Grand Canyon.
153
00:09:54,786 --> 00:09:57,289
Here. Look, it says,
"Did you mean black cocks?
154
00:09:58,040 --> 00:09:59,438
I don't know, man.
I got to do something
155
00:09:59,458 --> 00:10:01,043
or my marriage is gonna collapse,
156
00:10:01,418 --> 00:10:02,711
Here you go, guys.
157
00:10:02,794 --> 00:10:04,421
We're gonna be closing in a few,
158
00:10:04,588 --> 00:10:06,111
but I'm going to this after-hours thing
159
00:10:06,131 --> 00:10:07,988
at my friend's apartment,
if you wanna join.
160
00:10:08,008 --> 00:10:11,136
Oh, thanks, Allison, But l got an
early day tomorrow.
161
00:10:11,261 --> 00:10:12,596
Oh, okay.
162
00:10:13,597 --> 00:10:16,558
Well, if you change your mind,
here's the address.
163
00:10:18,644 --> 00:10:20,311
I put my cell number on there, too.
164
00:10:23,023 --> 00:10:25,359
Oh, my God!
Are you fucking kidding me?
165
00:10:25,442 --> 00:10:26,485
What?
166
00:10:26,568 --> 00:10:27,799
What do you mean, What?
After hours?
167
00:10:27,819 --> 00:10:30,200
Jesus, Johnny, she totally wants
to sleep with you.
168
00:10:30,364 --> 00:10:31,448
I'm not into it.
169
00:10:31,532 --> 00:10:33,430
John, you've been saying that for over
a year-and-a-half
170
00:10:33,450 --> 00:10:35,390
about every chick that
throws herself at you.
171
00:10:35,410 --> 00:10:36,808
You got to get back in the game, man!
172
00:10:36,828 --> 00:10:38,143
No, don't start this shit, all right?
173
00:10:38,163 --> 00:10:39,728
Look, I wasted six years of my life
174
00:10:39,748 --> 00:10:41,230
with the wrong girl and I got burned.
175
00:10:41,250 --> 00:10:43,250
I'm not gonna make that same
mistake again.
176
00:10:43,293 --> 00:10:45,108
Jesus, Johnny, you don't got
to marry Allison.
177
00:10:45,128 --> 00:10:47,361
You just got to bang her and maybe
pee on her a little.
178
00:10:47,381 --> 00:10:48,590
What?
179
00:10:48,757 --> 00:10:51,718
It's always good to find new
ways to surprise your lover.
180
00:10:51,802 --> 00:10:53,428
Yeah, I got to take a leak.
181
00:10:55,889 --> 00:10:57,474
Sorry, Allison, I tried.
182
00:10:57,641 --> 00:11:00,936
It's okay, I just wish he wasn't
so goddamn cute.
183
00:11:01,103 --> 00:11:02,818
Yeah, Hey, can I get a Jack Daniel's
184
00:11:02,896 --> 00:11:04,565
with just a splash of Grey Goose?
185
00:11:04,898 --> 00:11:06,713
Wish I could help you, but we're closing.
186
00:11:06,733 --> 00:11:09,007
Come on, one drink and I promise
I won't tell anybody
187
00:11:09,027 --> 00:11:11,488
that Jay Leno comes in here
for gay bathroom sex.
188
00:11:11,613 --> 00:11:14,074
Hey, what the fuck are you doing?
Get off of me!
189
00:11:14,241 --> 00:11:15,993
Sorry, my mistake.
190
00:11:22,916 --> 00:11:25,877
There we go.
Thanks a lot, come again.
191
00:11:32,593 --> 00:11:33,844
Hey.
192
00:11:34,094 --> 00:11:35,095
Hello.
193
00:11:35,304 --> 00:11:39,308
I'd, uh, like to ask a few questions about
this breakfast cereal.
194
00:11:39,641 --> 00:11:41,852
Uh, yeah, yeah.
Box of Trix.
195
00:11:42,102 --> 00:11:43,145
That's right.
196
00:11:43,228 --> 00:11:47,357
I've been led to understand that Trix are
exclusively for children.
197
00:11:47,691 --> 00:11:48,891
Is that correct?
198
00:11:49,234 --> 00:11:52,779
I... I mean, they say, uh, "Trix
are for kids" in the commercials.
199
00:11:52,863 --> 00:11:54,239
Uh-huh, Uh-huh.
200
00:11:54,656 --> 00:11:56,825
And is that enforced by law?
201
00:11:57,492 --> 00:11:59,494
Uh, not to my knowledge, no.
202
00:12:00,037 --> 00:12:03,874
So if I purchase these Trix,
there'll be no trouble?
203
00:12:04,249 --> 00:12:06,376
No, No, you...
You should be fine.
204
00:12:07,085 --> 00:12:09,755
You do understand that I myself
am not a child?
205
00:12:10,047 --> 00:12:12,382
Uh, I was able to sniff that out, yeah.
206
00:12:14,217 --> 00:12:16,646
Okay, I'm going to bring these back
to my apartment.
207
00:12:16,928 --> 00:12:19,056
Uh, yeah, yeah.
You'll... You'll be okay.
208
00:12:19,348 --> 00:12:22,059
And, uh, I won't be followed?
209
00:12:22,392 --> 00:12:25,604
Uh, no, that's...
That's not in our budget here.
210
00:12:28,982 --> 00:12:30,182
Hey.
211
00:12:30,442 --> 00:12:32,944
I won't forget what you've done
for me here today.
212
00:12:33,111 --> 00:12:34,905
I would prefer that you do.
213
00:12:40,744 --> 00:12:42,245
Jesus Christ.
214
00:12:52,881 --> 00:12:54,675
You two still not talking?
215
00:12:54,758 --> 00:12:55,884
No.
216
00:12:55,967 --> 00:12:58,158
Honest to God, Joy, I don't know
how to fix this.
217
00:12:58,178 --> 00:12:59,179
I mean, how the hell do you take
218
00:12:59,262 --> 00:13:01,078
a broken marriage and make it work again?
219
00:13:01,098 --> 00:13:04,393
Well, I'll tell you one way.
You have yourselves a baby.
220
00:13:04,559 --> 00:13:05,560
A baby?
221
00:13:05,644 --> 00:13:07,562
Uh-huh, Look at that.
222
00:13:07,646 --> 00:13:09,252
You see them two white niggas over there?
223
00:13:09,272 --> 00:13:11,233
Yeah, What?
224
00:13:11,400 --> 00:13:13,026
Look at them.
They're so happy.
225
00:13:13,193 --> 00:13:15,821
Because they got that little baby
keeping them together.
226
00:13:15,987 --> 00:13:17,531
If they didn't have that baby,
227
00:13:17,614 --> 00:13:19,700
they'd just be two sad-ass white niggas
228
00:13:19,783 --> 00:13:21,593
waiting for Downtown Abbey to come on.
229
00:13:21,660 --> 00:13:24,204
Why, you said it twice.
Is that an actual phrase?
230
00:13:24,287 --> 00:13:25,372
I'm telling you, Ted,
231
00:13:25,455 --> 00:13:28,583
y'all better have a baby
or your marriage is over, Trust.
232
00:13:38,427 --> 00:13:40,429
Uh, hey.
233
00:13:41,179 --> 00:13:42,514
Go away, Teddy.
234
00:13:42,597 --> 00:13:44,766
Tami, listen, I just
wanna talk to you, Okay?
235
00:13:44,850 --> 00:13:46,456
Will you just listen
to me for one second?
236
00:13:46,476 --> 00:13:48,291
Why? So you can give me shit
about my clothes?
237
00:13:48,311 --> 00:13:51,314
No! Look, I'm sorry about that,
okay? I'm sorry.
238
00:13:51,398 --> 00:13:53,233
I was an asshole and I didn't mean it.
239
00:13:53,400 --> 00:13:54,735
You know, whatever, Teddy.
240
00:13:54,818 --> 00:13:57,487
Tami, listen.
I love you.
241
00:13:58,113 --> 00:13:59,469
Okay? And...
And I don't want us
242
00:13:59,489 --> 00:14:01,680
to fight like we've been doing
the past few months.
243
00:14:01,700 --> 00:14:04,494
I don't know, Teddy.
Something's got to change, you know?
244
00:14:04,578 --> 00:14:08,123
Because I can't do this no more.
It's too much.
245
00:14:08,248 --> 00:14:10,917
I know, I know, I know.
And... And that's why...
246
00:14:12,419 --> 00:14:14,171
I wanna have a baby.
247
00:14:15,756 --> 00:14:16,798
You do?
248
00:14:16,965 --> 00:14:18,091
Yeah.
249
00:14:18,175 --> 00:14:20,510
A baby? Like really?
250
00:14:20,677 --> 00:14:21,636
Yeah.
251
00:14:21,720 --> 00:14:23,972
See, I think, if we got a kid to love,
252
00:14:24,055 --> 00:14:26,266
it'll teach us how to
love each other again.
253
00:14:26,516 --> 00:14:28,351
Oh, my God, Teddy.
254
00:14:28,935 --> 00:14:30,459
You better not be messing with me.
255
00:14:30,479 --> 00:14:32,002
I swear to God, not messing with you.
256
00:14:32,022 --> 00:14:33,642
I think you'd make an awesome mom.
257
00:14:33,690 --> 00:14:35,192
Oh, my God!
Are you kidding me?
258
00:14:35,275 --> 00:14:37,323
I would, like, kick so much ass at mommin'!
259
00:14:37,527 --> 00:14:38,800
So what do you say?
We all good?
260
00:14:38,820 --> 00:14:40,322
Yes! Oh, I love you!
261
00:14:40,405 --> 00:14:41,605
I love you so much!
262
00:14:41,698 --> 00:14:43,533
Oh, baby, I love you, too!
263
00:14:44,367 --> 00:14:46,272
- Let's make a baby!
- Let's make a baby!
264
00:14:55,837 --> 00:14:57,652
- Okay, you ready?
- Oh, shit, yeah, yeah, yeah.
265
00:14:57,672 --> 00:14:59,279
- Here it comes,
- Okay, okay, I'm ready.
266
00:14:59,299 --> 00:15:02,552
Let's all go to court
267
00:15:04,137 --> 00:15:07,307
Let's go make some law now
268
00:15:07,474 --> 00:15:09,392
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
269
00:15:09,476 --> 00:15:11,603
Some law now
270
00:15:11,686 --> 00:15:12,729
I say we go to court!
271
00:15:12,813 --> 00:15:14,013
Yes, let's go to court!
272
00:15:14,064 --> 00:15:15,796
We're a bunch of assholes who take up
273
00:15:15,816 --> 00:15:17,859
a whole hallway with our conversation.
274
00:15:19,319 --> 00:15:21,488
Hey, you lawyer guys
275
00:15:21,571 --> 00:15:25,575
You don't know me and
Johnny are watching you
276
00:15:25,659 --> 00:15:27,911
While we're high
277
00:15:28,912 --> 00:15:30,539
That was fucking magic.
278
00:15:30,622 --> 00:15:32,791
That felt smooth.
That felt really smooth, Oh!
279
00:15:32,874 --> 00:15:34,084
So in the pocket.
280
00:15:34,459 --> 00:15:36,586
Hey, so, uh, listen, l got, uh...
281
00:15:36,670 --> 00:15:38,338
I got some big news to tell ya.
282
00:15:38,630 --> 00:15:39,830
Oh, yeah?
What's that?
283
00:15:39,923 --> 00:15:43,260
Tami-Lynn and I are gonna have a baby!
284
00:15:45,178 --> 00:15:46,930
Holy shit! You?
285
00:15:47,013 --> 00:15:48,662
Yeah, yeah, we talked about it today.
286
00:15:48,682 --> 00:15:50,372
Dude, that's fucking awesome!
Congratulations!
287
00:15:50,392 --> 00:15:51,393
Thank you!
288
00:15:51,476 --> 00:15:53,375
Wait, wait, wait, How... How...
How do you guys...
289
00:15:53,395 --> 00:15:57,107
yeah, that's the thing, We... We, uh...
We got to find a sperm donor.
290
00:15:57,600 --> 00:16:00,277
And, um, I'm wondering, what do you think
291
00:16:00,360 --> 00:16:02,195
Sam Jones would say if I asked him?
292
00:16:02,445 --> 00:16:04,656
You want Flash Gordon
to father your child?
293
00:16:04,739 --> 00:16:06,096
Yeah, I mean, do you think...
294
00:16:06,116 --> 00:16:07,848
Would that be weird?
Would he be freaked out if I...
295
00:16:07,868 --> 00:16:09,099
No, I think he'd be flattered!
296
00:16:09,119 --> 00:16:11,830
And plus, your baby
will be a fucking superhero!
297
00:16:11,913 --> 00:16:13,979
Well, that was the logic
I arrived at as well.
298
00:16:13,999 --> 00:16:15,208
Yeah, I say do it!
299
00:16:15,292 --> 00:16:17,023
All right, I'll shoot
him an e-mail right now,
300
00:16:17,043 --> 00:16:18,567
and see if I can stop by tonight.
301
00:16:18,587 --> 00:16:19,826
- You come with me?
- Sure.
302
00:16:19,880 --> 00:16:21,089
All right, great.
303
00:16:23,383 --> 00:16:24,384
Shit.
304
00:16:24,467 --> 00:16:27,534
I can never get a signal in your
apartment, Hey, can I use your laptop?
305
00:16:27,554 --> 00:16:29,389
- Yeah, go ahead.
- Okay, thanks.
306
00:16:34,102 --> 00:16:35,302
What the fuck?
307
00:16:35,395 --> 00:16:37,729
Holy shit! Dude, what's the matter?
What happened?
308
00:16:37,772 --> 00:16:38,815
What's going on?
309
00:16:38,899 --> 00:16:40,817
There's so much porn!
310
00:16:40,984 --> 00:16:42,883
Well, what the hell are you doing looking
at my private shit?
311
00:16:42,903 --> 00:16:45,760
What are you talking about, private shit?
Johnny, it was wide open!
312
00:16:45,780 --> 00:16:47,637
There are literally
thousands of files here!
313
00:16:47,657 --> 00:16:49,639
Well, I've been meaning
to clear some of that out.
314
00:16:49,659 --> 00:16:51,707
Jesus Christ, Look at
the organization here!
315
00:16:51,786 --> 00:16:54,497
Clockwise rim job.
Counterclockwise rim job!
316
00:16:54,706 --> 00:16:57,105
Yeah, well, sometimes you like seeing
the tongue go the other way!
317
00:16:57,125 --> 00:17:00,003
You sick bastard! Look at this!
Chicks with dicks?
318
00:17:00,295 --> 00:17:03,882
Oh, my God!
I have a disease, all right? I need help!
319
00:17:04,049 --> 00:17:06,573
There are no chicks with dicks, Johnny!
Only guys with tits!
320
00:17:06,593 --> 00:17:07,886
Oh, this is such a relief!
321
00:17:07,969 --> 00:17:10,327
I'm so glad I'm finally caught.
I wanted to be caught!
322
00:17:10,347 --> 00:17:13,121
Johnny, now you listen to me.
This is a wake-up call, all right?
323
00:17:13,141 --> 00:17:15,165
You got to get back out there
and meet somebody
324
00:17:15,185 --> 00:17:17,083
because you are spiraling
out of control here.
325
00:17:17,103 --> 00:17:19,753
All right, fine, I will, Just stop looking
at that shit, please!
326
00:17:19,773 --> 00:17:21,004
Johnny, I mean it, All right?
327
00:17:21,024 --> 00:17:23,089
The next chick you meet,
you are getting back in the game.
328
00:17:23,109 --> 00:17:24,309
Fine, I got it, Done.
329
00:17:24,361 --> 00:17:26,134
All right, Now, let's get rid of this.
330
00:17:26,154 --> 00:17:28,136
What do you mean?
We'll just delete the files!
331
00:17:28,156 --> 00:17:29,804
No, no, no, That shit can
always be recovered.
332
00:17:29,824 --> 00:17:31,826
We got to smash your
laptop with a hammer.
333
00:17:38,416 --> 00:17:39,459
All right, there, you happy?
334
00:17:39,542 --> 00:17:42,108
No, the circuits could still be
reconstructed if somebody worked at it.
335
00:17:42,128 --> 00:17:43,652
We got to bury it in the harbor.
336
00:17:58,353 --> 00:18:01,856
So, uh, basically that's it.
We need a sperm donor.
337
00:18:02,315 --> 00:18:03,358
So what do ya say?
338
00:18:03,483 --> 00:18:05,340
You'd really be helping me and Tami out.
339
00:18:05,360 --> 00:18:06,861
No can do, my brother.
340
00:18:07,153 --> 00:18:08,571
Well...
Well, why not?
341
00:18:08,905 --> 00:18:11,074
Oh, look, I did a lot of blow in the '80s
342
00:18:12,409 --> 00:18:14,577
and my sperm count's a little low.
343
00:18:15,120 --> 00:18:16,320
Oh, How low?
344
00:18:16,579 --> 00:18:17,779
One.
345
00:18:17,831 --> 00:18:18,832
One?
346
00:18:18,915 --> 00:18:22,752
Yeah, little fella's having his own
I Am Legend in my nut sack.
347
00:18:22,961 --> 00:18:24,421
Oh, Can we have that one?
348
00:18:24,504 --> 00:18:28,008
No! Gonna need it for protein
if I ever get lost at sea.
349
00:18:28,174 --> 00:18:30,573
Come on, guys, I mean,
are we done here? I got to go.
350
00:18:30,593 --> 00:18:33,722
That Sister, Sister marathon
ain't gonna watch itself.
351
00:18:34,431 --> 00:18:36,850
Can't believe it.
That son of a bitch!
352
00:18:36,933 --> 00:18:38,289
That was really selfish of him.
353
00:18:38,309 --> 00:18:39,749
I know, And after I watched his
354
00:18:39,769 --> 00:18:41,769
piece-of-shit movie,
like, a hundred times.
355
00:18:41,980 --> 00:18:43,180
God damn it!
356
00:18:44,399 --> 00:18:45,599
Ah!
Oh, shit!
357
00:18:51,114 --> 00:18:53,283
Johnny, please, just help me
do this, Okay?
358
00:18:53,366 --> 00:18:55,015
He's the only guy in the world
whose sperm
359
00:18:55,035 --> 00:18:56,349
is even close to Flash Gordon's.
360
00:18:56,369 --> 00:18:58,685
Ted, it's insane, We could get in
a lot of trouble.
361
00:18:58,705 --> 00:19:00,081
But not if nobody finds out.
362
00:19:00,165 --> 00:19:01,207
Look, look, John, John.
363
00:19:01,291 --> 00:19:03,626
We sneak into his house,
jerk him off in his sleep
364
00:19:03,710 --> 00:19:05,692
and sneak out with the sperm.
It'll be easy!
365
00:19:05,712 --> 00:19:07,589
And think how awesome the baby will be.
366
00:19:08,173 --> 00:19:10,175
Would be a sweet-ass fucking baby.
367
00:19:11,468 --> 00:19:14,135
All right, I'll help you.
But we got to have a game plan.
368
00:19:26,232 --> 00:19:27,692
Just calm down.
369
00:19:29,778 --> 00:19:30,978
Yeah, can I help you?
370
00:19:31,780 --> 00:19:35,075
Hey! Um, are you,
uh, Tom Brady?
371
00:19:35,492 --> 00:19:36,493
Yeah.
372
00:19:36,618 --> 00:19:37,818
Um, hey. Um...
373
00:19:37,994 --> 00:19:38,953
Your neighbors called,
374
00:19:39,037 --> 00:19:40,602
and your air conditioner's
making a loud noise
375
00:19:40,622 --> 00:19:42,312
so I'm supposed to check out the unit.
376
00:19:42,332 --> 00:19:43,813
Uh, okay.
Yeah, it's around back.
377
00:19:43,833 --> 00:19:46,211
Okay, Um, I just may need
a signature in case
378
00:19:46,294 --> 00:19:48,247
I got to get some parts, for the billing.
379
00:19:48,546 --> 00:19:52,008
You could just, uh, write that to
John and Ted, Put number 12.
380
00:19:52,634 --> 00:19:55,492
And you're not a cheater.
I mean, I think your balls are perfect.
381
00:19:55,512 --> 00:19:57,347
It's around back.
All right, Yeah.
382
00:20:20,787 --> 00:20:22,539
Stupid idiot.
383
00:20:29,212 --> 00:20:30,588
Okay, Go, go, go!
384
00:20:47,063 --> 00:20:49,045
Take the damn raincoat off.
It's making too much noise.
385
00:20:49,065 --> 00:20:51,234
Piss off! I don't wanna get
any jizz on me!
386
00:21:02,370 --> 00:21:05,456
Two League MVPs, four Super Bowl rings,
387
00:21:05,707 --> 00:21:08,293
guaranteed first ballot Hall of Famer.
388
00:21:08,418 --> 00:21:11,129
Now let's give him a handjob
into this red Solo cup.
389
00:21:11,254 --> 00:21:12,714
All right, Go ahead.
390
00:21:12,881 --> 00:21:15,262
Wait, what do you mean,
Go ahead? You got to do it.
391
00:21:15,592 --> 00:21:17,574
What are you talking about?
You're the one who needs the sperm.
392
00:21:17,594 --> 00:21:19,033
Yeah, but it's got to be a human hand.
393
00:21:19,053 --> 00:21:20,994
It's got to be skin on skin,
otherwise it doesn't work.
394
00:21:21,014 --> 00:21:22,412
No, it doesn't.
It's just friction.
395
00:21:22,432 --> 00:21:24,247
- Look, I've never done this before.
- Neither have I.
396
00:21:24,267 --> 00:21:26,207
- You do it to yourself.
- Yeah, but that's different.
397
00:21:26,227 --> 00:21:28,877
You're an adult with a poster of this guy
in your fucking room.
398
00:21:28,897 --> 00:21:30,707
You're telling me you don't want this?
399
00:21:30,732 --> 00:21:33,209
Yeah, I want it! You know I want it,
but I'm nervous.
400
00:21:33,276 --> 00:21:35,466
What if he doesn't like the way
I'm doing it? He deserves the best!
401
00:21:35,486 --> 00:21:36,613
Pull yourself together, for God's sakes.
402
00:21:36,696 --> 00:21:38,125
He's gonna love it.
Go, go, go!
403
00:21:39,032 --> 00:21:40,283
All right.
404
00:21:43,953 --> 00:21:45,997
Sweet God and baby Jesus.
405
00:21:47,165 --> 00:21:49,125
And that's at rest.
406
00:21:50,001 --> 00:21:51,127
What the hell?
407
00:21:51,211 --> 00:21:52,692
Mr. Brady, we just need
a moment of your time.
408
00:21:52,712 --> 00:21:54,194
What are you doing here?
Who are you?
409
00:21:54,214 --> 00:21:55,414
Get out of my house!
410
00:21:57,133 --> 00:21:58,333
Oh, God! Ahhh!
411
00:21:59,928 --> 00:22:00,970
Wait, Mr. Brady!
412
00:22:01,054 --> 00:22:02,889
Take your goddamn teddy bear with you!
413
00:22:04,641 --> 00:22:06,893
Holy shit!
Perfect spiral!
414
00:22:06,976 --> 00:22:08,453
Come on, let's get out of here!
415
00:22:17,445 --> 00:22:18,488
Shit!
416
00:22:18,655 --> 00:22:19,989
What the hell do we do now?
417
00:22:22,116 --> 00:22:23,598
Hey, Ted, let me ask you something.
418
00:22:23,618 --> 00:22:24,827
What's that?
419
00:22:25,328 --> 00:22:26,805
Why didn't you just come to me?
420
00:22:27,288 --> 00:22:28,519
What are you talking about?
421
00:22:28,539 --> 00:22:29,874
For the sperm.
422
00:22:30,208 --> 00:22:34,963
Oh. Johnny, you kidding me, man?
You were the first person I wanted to go to.
423
00:22:35,421 --> 00:22:37,090
But you've just been so bummed out
424
00:22:37,173 --> 00:22:38,373
over your divorce lately
425
00:22:38,424 --> 00:22:41,928
that I just... You know, I didn't want
to put you in an awkward position.
426
00:22:42,178 --> 00:22:43,660
And plus, after seeing your laptop,
427
00:22:43,680 --> 00:22:45,204
I didn't think you had any left.
428
00:22:45,515 --> 00:22:48,017
Just so you know,
I'm totally willing to do it.
429
00:22:48,601 --> 00:22:51,896
Really? You'd...
You'd do that for me?
430
00:22:52,146 --> 00:22:54,575
Ted, you're my best friend.
I'd do anything for you.
431
00:22:55,191 --> 00:22:58,695
Besides, we just broke into Tom
Brady's house and tried to jerk him off...
432
00:22:58,778 --> 00:23:00,405
You're ready to be a parent.
433
00:23:00,905 --> 00:23:02,615
God...
434
00:23:02,699 --> 00:23:04,492
I don't know what to say.
435
00:23:04,701 --> 00:23:07,829
Johnny, thank you!
Thank you so much!
436
00:23:08,037 --> 00:23:10,790
Hey, thunder buddies for life, remember?
437
00:23:11,165 --> 00:23:13,001
Thunder buddies for life.
438
00:23:13,167 --> 00:23:15,929
Come on, We got to get out of here
before the cops show up.
439
00:23:15,962 --> 00:23:20,008
All units, we have a 3-17 on Maple
Drive, Area units, please respond.
440
00:23:20,174 --> 00:23:21,676
What's a 3-17?
441
00:23:21,843 --> 00:23:24,721
Someone's trying to steal
Tom Brady's jizz again.
442
00:23:37,900 --> 00:23:39,402
- What is that?
- What?
443
00:23:39,485 --> 00:23:41,134
What are you doing?
I'm getting ready, dude.
444
00:23:41,154 --> 00:23:42,155
What do you mean you're getting ready?
445
00:23:42,238 --> 00:23:43,553
What are you doing to your hand?
446
00:23:43,573 --> 00:23:46,222
I'm doing this for you, I'm getting ready.
I got to go in and perform.
447
00:23:46,242 --> 00:23:47,890
You got your hand on your dick.
What are you doing?
448
00:23:47,910 --> 00:23:49,225
I'm trying to get it half hard,
449
00:23:49,245 --> 00:23:50,810
so when I get in there
I could just bust it out.
450
00:23:50,830 --> 00:23:52,687
Sitting out here in public, jerking off?
451
00:23:52,707 --> 00:23:54,522
Where do you think you are? Red Lobster?
What are you doing?
452
00:23:54,542 --> 00:23:55,898
What do you think I got to do in there?
453
00:23:55,918 --> 00:23:57,358
Forget it.
Now, look, you haven't
454
00:23:57,378 --> 00:23:59,140
smoked pot for two whole days, right?
455
00:23:59,213 --> 00:24:01,904
Yes, I told you, I'm clean, all right?
Your baby's gonna be fine.
456
00:24:01,924 --> 00:24:03,760
I'm sorry, l just don't want something
457
00:24:03,843 --> 00:24:06,262
I got to feed with
a pitchfork when he's 16.
458
00:24:06,554 --> 00:24:07,764
"John Bennett.
459
00:24:07,847 --> 00:24:08,848
Hi.
460
00:24:08,931 --> 00:24:11,789
Right this way, I'll show you where to
deposit your specimen.
461
00:24:12,226 --> 00:24:13,936
Hey, Johnny, Johnny.
462
00:24:23,863 --> 00:24:25,365
I'm John Bennett.
463
00:24:25,615 --> 00:24:27,533
I know, I just said your name.
464
00:24:27,617 --> 00:24:30,203
Oh, right, yeah, sorry,
I'm just a little nervous.
465
00:24:30,286 --> 00:24:32,413
I've been out of the game for a while.
466
00:24:32,622 --> 00:24:33,664
The game?
467
00:24:33,748 --> 00:24:37,835
I don't talk to pretty girls that often.
Pretty women, ladies.
468
00:24:38,461 --> 00:24:39,661
I see.
469
00:24:40,463 --> 00:24:42,463
Hey, when I'm done here,
how about a drink?
470
00:24:43,466 --> 00:24:46,803
Oh, I don't
mean this, I meant, like, a regular drink.
471
00:24:46,969 --> 00:24:48,471
I have a boyfriend.
472
00:24:49,180 --> 00:24:52,725
Oh, yeah, okay, yeah, too bad,
You're missing out on a great guy.
473
00:24:52,850 --> 00:24:55,895
Um, do I just spit in my hand or do I get
474
00:24:55,978 --> 00:24:58,106
a lube or something?
A magazine?
475
00:24:58,356 --> 00:25:00,088
Video? I like Asian
teen stuff preferably.
476
00:25:00,108 --> 00:25:01,067
There's lube right there.
477
00:25:01,150 --> 00:25:02,902
All right, yeah, thanks.
478
00:25:08,199 --> 00:25:11,077
Uh, excuse me. Where's your
non-jerk-off bathroom?
479
00:25:11,160 --> 00:25:12,637
Down that hallway, to the left.
480
00:25:12,662 --> 00:25:14,038
Okay, thanks.
481
00:25:20,461 --> 00:25:21,921
Oh, No way!
482
00:25:23,131 --> 00:25:26,592
Oh, hey, Doc, is this where you guys
store all the, uh, stuff?
483
00:25:27,468 --> 00:25:30,430
It's the intermediary station
before insemination.
484
00:25:30,513 --> 00:25:31,639
Are you submitting?
485
00:25:31,722 --> 00:25:34,934
No, My friend is, uh, yanking out a sample
in one of the rooms.
486
00:25:35,643 --> 00:25:36,874
Oh, well, that's a good friend.
Yeah.
487
00:25:36,894 --> 00:25:37,937
I'm Dr. Danzer.
488
00:25:38,020 --> 00:25:39,105
Oh, cool,
489
00:25:39,188 --> 00:25:42,900
Hold me closer, Dr. Danzer
490
00:25:42,984 --> 00:25:44,068
Yeah, whatever, I don't know.
491
00:25:44,152 --> 00:25:47,947
Now, wait, You look familiar,
Are you that teddy bear who came alive?
492
00:25:48,114 --> 00:25:49,449
I am, that's me, yeah.
493
00:25:49,532 --> 00:25:50,575
See, I was trying to figure out
494
00:25:50,658 --> 00:25:52,014
where I'd seen you before and that's it.
495
00:25:52,034 --> 00:25:53,119
Good eye, good eye.
496
00:25:53,202 --> 00:25:56,622
So, how did you get into this line of work?
Do you just love cum?
497
00:25:57,123 --> 00:25:58,124
Uh, uh...
498
00:25:58,207 --> 00:26:00,398
Not especially, but I
love helping good people
499
00:26:00,418 --> 00:26:02,275
fulfill their dreams of having children.
500
00:26:02,295 --> 00:26:04,422
It's amazing what we can do here.
501
00:26:04,881 --> 00:26:06,549
You want to have a look?
502
00:26:06,716 --> 00:26:08,176
Yeah, sure.
503
00:26:09,927 --> 00:26:13,723
This is where we perform
our pre-implantation genetic diagnosis.
504
00:26:13,806 --> 00:26:15,766
We can eliminate hereditary diseases,
505
00:26:15,850 --> 00:26:19,020
such as cystic fibrosis, muscular
dystrophy, sickle-cell anemia.
506
00:26:19,145 --> 00:26:20,813
The list goes on and on, really.
507
00:26:20,897 --> 00:26:22,097
Wow.
508
00:26:22,482 --> 00:26:24,150
Hey, Johnny! You did it!
509
00:26:24,233 --> 00:26:25,234
Right here, buddy.
510
00:26:25,359 --> 00:26:27,069
Ew, I mean, awesome!
511
00:26:27,612 --> 00:26:29,510
Excuse me, Doctor, your wife's on the phone.
512
00:26:29,530 --> 00:26:30,823
She said it's an emergency.
513
00:26:31,240 --> 00:26:32,950
Excuse me, I'll be right back.
514
00:26:34,702 --> 00:26:36,913
You wanna see it? Huh?
You wanna see your kid?
515
00:26:37,079 --> 00:26:38,436
I can see it from here, thanks, yeah.
516
00:26:38,456 --> 00:26:39,896
Dude, take a closer look.
It's your kid.
517
00:26:39,916 --> 00:26:40,917
No, no, no!
Come on!
518
00:26:41,000 --> 00:26:42,899
You got to take a closer look.
That's close enough, Johnny!
519
00:26:42,919 --> 00:26:44,817
He's beautiful, Come on!
I'll trade you, Catch.
520
00:26:44,837 --> 00:26:46,547
Oh, shit!
Oh, God!
521
00:26:46,714 --> 00:26:48,382
Fuck! Dude,
that's somebody's kid!
522
00:26:48,549 --> 00:26:50,907
Well, it's not my fault, A-Rod! You were
supposed to catch it!
523
00:26:50,927 --> 00:26:51,969
We got to find something to scoop it up.
524
00:26:52,053 --> 00:26:53,701
There's containers over there.
Scoop it up with that.
525
00:26:53,721 --> 00:26:55,056
Shit, All right.
526
00:26:55,473 --> 00:26:56,516
No, no, that's not gonna work.
527
00:26:56,599 --> 00:26:58,748
You need two of them, you got to scoop
one into the other.
528
00:26:58,768 --> 00:27:00,353
Oh, shit! Fuck!
529
00:27:01,604 --> 00:27:02,897
Oh!
Oh, fuck!
530
00:27:02,980 --> 00:27:03,981
Oh, my God!
531
00:27:04,065 --> 00:27:05,066
Fuck! Fuck!
532
00:27:05,233 --> 00:27:07,318
Oh, my God!
It's in my eyes!
533
00:27:07,443 --> 00:27:08,444
I'm blinking it in!
534
00:27:08,528 --> 00:27:09,814
You got to fucking help me!
535
00:27:09,862 --> 00:27:11,552
Oh, my God!
It's in my fucking mouth!
536
00:27:11,572 --> 00:27:13,304
Hang on. I got to
post this on Facebook.
537
00:27:13,324 --> 00:27:14,524
No!
538
00:27:14,867 --> 00:27:17,286
Hashtag "Grr, Mondays.
539
00:27:17,453 --> 00:27:19,330
Oh, my God!
540
00:27:19,455 --> 00:27:21,437
Look, I'm so sorry! We swear to God,
it was an accident.
541
00:27:21,457 --> 00:27:22,657
We're so sorry.
542
00:27:22,917 --> 00:27:26,420
Well, I guess it's all right.
Those are the rejected sickle-cell samples.
543
00:27:26,587 --> 00:27:27,964
Ah, you hear that, Johnny?
544
00:27:28,089 --> 00:27:30,071
You're covered in
rejected black-guy sperm.
545
00:27:30,091 --> 00:27:31,384
You look like a Kardashian.
546
00:27:31,592 --> 00:27:32,802
Fuck!
547
00:27:45,147 --> 00:27:47,275
No, make sure you have all the updated
548
00:27:47,358 --> 00:27:49,090
information on our Comic Con placement.
549
00:27:49,110 --> 00:27:52,405
This has to be the biggest,
most impressive rollout at the convention.
550
00:27:52,488 --> 00:27:53,688
Morning, Mr. Jessup.
551
00:27:54,323 --> 00:27:55,825
Good morning, Now...
552
00:27:55,908 --> 00:27:57,410
My name's Donny.
553
00:27:57,535 --> 00:27:59,787
Hi, Donny.
554
00:27:59,870 --> 00:28:01,632
Now this is a multi-platform release,
555
00:28:01,664 --> 00:28:02,937
so I want a full report on all...
556
00:28:02,957 --> 00:28:04,166
Fresh cakes.
557
00:28:06,210 --> 00:28:07,253
What?
558
00:28:07,336 --> 00:28:08,754
In the urinals, sir.
559
00:28:09,338 --> 00:28:11,340
I noticed you always use urinal four,
560
00:28:11,424 --> 00:28:13,234
so I put fresh cakes in there for you.
561
00:28:13,301 --> 00:28:16,304
You're an important man.
You should never have to smell pee.
562
00:28:17,013 --> 00:28:19,849
See, most people flip the cakes.
563
00:28:20,433 --> 00:28:22,101
I replace the cakes.
564
00:28:23,019 --> 00:28:25,146
That's the Donny difference.
565
00:28:27,315 --> 00:28:30,173
I need a full report on all the placement
of our merchandise.
566
00:28:30,234 --> 00:28:32,445
Contact Bob Jennings at Javas
567
00:28:34,488 --> 00:28:36,032
I'm afraid I have bad news.
568
00:28:36,407 --> 00:28:39,160
I won't be able to perform
the implantation procedure.
569
00:28:39,327 --> 00:28:41,037
- Wait, what?
- Why not?
570
00:28:41,203 --> 00:28:45,207
Tami-Lynn, according to your test results,
you're no longer fertile.
571
00:28:45,374 --> 00:28:46,375
What?
572
00:28:46,459 --> 00:28:48,377
Wait, Doc, are you sure about that?
573
00:28:48,544 --> 00:28:50,818
I mean, maybe you should check again
or something, you know?
574
00:28:50,838 --> 00:28:52,048
I'm quite sure.
575
00:28:52,214 --> 00:28:55,259
Tami-Lynn, because of your history
of excessive drug use
576
00:28:55,926 --> 00:28:59,305
your ovarian canal
has been somewhat compromised.
577
00:28:59,472 --> 00:29:01,711
What are you talking about?
It looks fine, Yeah.
578
00:29:02,391 --> 00:29:04,685
Forgive me, that's a normal ovary.
579
00:29:04,769 --> 00:29:06,312
This is Tami-Lynn's.
580
00:29:06,479 --> 00:29:07,679
Jesus!
581
00:29:07,772 --> 00:29:10,024
Yeah, but I bet this stuff happens a lot.
582
00:29:10,107 --> 00:29:12,506
You probably see this kind of stuff
all the time, right?
583
00:29:12,526 --> 00:29:14,779
No, not once, not ever.
584
00:29:14,945 --> 00:29:18,157
When I saw this, I threw up.
Almost quit medicine.
585
00:29:18,407 --> 00:29:21,160
Bottom line is,
insemination is not possible.
586
00:29:21,702 --> 00:29:24,830
I don't understand,
okay? None of this makes any sense.
587
00:29:24,914 --> 00:29:26,937
It's okay, It's okay, honey.
Come on, let's just go.
588
00:29:26,957 --> 00:29:28,434
No, what does this mean, Teddy?
589
00:29:28,459 --> 00:29:29,732
Does it mean we can't have a baby?
590
00:29:29,752 --> 00:29:31,317
I don't know.
But it's gonna be okay.
591
00:29:31,337 --> 00:29:32,838
Everything's gonna be okay.
592
00:29:33,005 --> 00:29:34,256
It really isn't.
593
00:29:46,727 --> 00:29:48,979
Well, I have gone
through your application
594
00:29:49,063 --> 00:29:51,273
and vetted your personal histories,
595
00:29:52,441 --> 00:29:54,394
and I'm afraid this isn't gonna work out.
596
00:29:55,444 --> 00:29:56,644
What?
597
00:29:56,696 --> 00:29:57,780
Why not?
598
00:29:57,863 --> 00:29:59,470
Well, first of all, there's the question
599
00:29:59,490 --> 00:30:01,158
of Tami-Lynn's drug conviction.
600
00:30:01,325 --> 00:30:03,077
Hey, I did my community service.
601
00:30:03,160 --> 00:30:05,788
Yeah, besides, that was five years ago.
She's clean.
602
00:30:06,580 --> 00:30:07,832
There's another issue,
603
00:30:07,915 --> 00:30:10,960
and, honesty, it's the more serious one.
604
00:30:11,043 --> 00:30:13,295
I was reluctant to bring it up because
605
00:30:14,588 --> 00:30:16,090
it's a little awkward.
606
00:30:16,882 --> 00:30:20,928
Ted, in the eyes of the state,
you are not a person.
607
00:30:22,138 --> 00:30:23,723
Wait, what?
608
00:30:24,807 --> 00:30:27,017
The state official I spoke to said
609
00:30:27,101 --> 00:30:30,229
that technically, you are
classified as property.
610
00:30:32,398 --> 00:30:34,817
I'm not a person?
611
00:30:35,234 --> 00:30:38,070
Not according to
the government, I'm sorry.
612
00:30:38,154 --> 00:30:39,864
But that is so fucked up!
613
00:30:40,600 --> 00:30:41,800
Property?
614
00:30:41,991 --> 00:30:44,039
You know what, Teddy?
Let's get out of here.
615
00:30:44,243 --> 00:30:45,443
Come on.
616
00:30:46,871 --> 00:30:48,071
Look.
617
00:30:48,164 --> 00:30:49,957
You seem like good people.
618
00:30:50,124 --> 00:30:51,375
Be careful.
619
00:30:51,542 --> 00:30:53,544
What do you mean, "Be careful?
620
00:30:53,627 --> 00:30:55,588
The state official I spoke to
621
00:30:55,671 --> 00:30:59,300
made it sound like your status had
gone under the radar for some time.
622
00:30:59,842 --> 00:31:02,511
Your adoption request
may have raised some red flags.
623
00:31:03,095 --> 00:31:05,848
If they choose to investigate the issue,
624
00:31:06,015 --> 00:31:08,559
it may leave you quite vulnerable.
625
00:31:21,697 --> 00:31:24,158
Hey, I just got off work
and heard your message.
626
00:31:24,241 --> 00:31:25,931
Is that for real? Did they actually
tell you that?
627
00:31:25,951 --> 00:31:27,661
Yeah, it's unbelievable.
"Property.
628
00:31:27,870 --> 00:31:29,455
They said I'm property.
629
00:31:29,705 --> 00:31:31,687
What does that even mean?
Like, you're a thing?
630
00:31:31,707 --> 00:31:33,542
What, like garbage or a piece of shit?
631
00:31:34,001 --> 00:31:37,463
I mean, maybe more like a hammer
or an orange, but yeah.
632
00:31:37,546 --> 00:31:38,819
What the hell do they know?
633
00:31:38,839 --> 00:31:39,882
It's just a word.
634
00:31:39,965 --> 00:31:42,406
They can't change your whole life just by
calling you property!
635
00:31:42,426 --> 00:31:45,346
Bullshit!
You better ask my ancestors.
636
00:31:45,554 --> 00:31:47,890
One minute, you in Africa,
washing your clothes
637
00:31:47,973 --> 00:31:49,892
in the river, titties out, you good.
638
00:31:50,059 --> 00:31:51,769
Then all of a sudden, you somewhere
639
00:31:51,852 --> 00:31:53,852
across the world,
fucking Thomas Jefferson.
640
00:31:53,896 --> 00:31:56,232
Wow! You make
history come alive.
641
00:31:56,440 --> 00:31:58,345
Why the hell is this just coming up now?
642
00:31:58,567 --> 00:32:00,569
I mean, I've never voted.
643
00:32:00,736 --> 00:32:03,322
I don't have a driver's license,
I don't pay taxes.
644
00:32:03,405 --> 00:32:05,596
I mean, hell, this is
the first job I ever had.
645
00:32:06,951 --> 00:32:09,411
Ted, can I see you for a moment?
646
00:32:10,955 --> 00:32:12,081
I'm sorry,
647
00:32:12,164 --> 00:32:13,736
but I'm gonna have to let you go.
648
00:32:13,916 --> 00:32:17,586
What? Why? I've been
busting my ass at this job for three years!
649
00:32:17,837 --> 00:32:20,089
I just got a call from
the Labor Department.
650
00:32:21,090 --> 00:32:23,050
I can't legally keep
you on as an employee
651
00:32:23,133 --> 00:32:25,407
because I've been informed
that you're technically...
652
00:32:25,427 --> 00:32:28,639
Technically not a person.
Yeah, Jesus Christ!
653
00:32:29,181 --> 00:32:32,977
I'm sorry, But as of today, you're fired.
654
00:32:36,397 --> 00:32:38,440
"Dear Ted, your Chase bank account
655
00:32:38,524 --> 00:32:40,858
"has been terminated due to
a lack of citizenship.
656
00:32:41,068 --> 00:32:43,612
"Dear Ted, your Discover card
has been revoked.
657
00:32:43,696 --> 00:32:46,615
"Dear Ted, you are no longer
a Papa Gino's rewards member.
658
00:32:46,824 --> 00:32:48,117
Fuck, that's a big one.
659
00:32:48,284 --> 00:32:50,244
This poor baby bootie.
660
00:32:50,786 --> 00:32:54,790
It's always gonna be empty. There's
never gonna be a little foot in here.
661
00:32:54,957 --> 00:32:58,210
I don't understand, We would have made
such great parents.
662
00:32:59,378 --> 00:33:00,588
Oh, my God.
663
00:33:00,963 --> 00:33:02,381
Oh, my God, Teddy!
664
00:33:02,464 --> 00:33:03,424
What? What's wrong?
665
00:33:03,507 --> 00:33:04,800
Look at this.
666
00:33:04,967 --> 00:33:06,176
"Dear Ted,
667
00:33:06,468 --> 00:33:09,138
"the state of Massachusetts
regrets to inform you
668
00:33:09,221 --> 00:33:12,266
"that due to an oversight
regarding your legal status
669
00:33:12,808 --> 00:33:17,354
your marriage to Tami-Lynn McCafferty
is unrecognized by the state
670
00:33:17,438 --> 00:33:20,357
"and, therefore, invalid
and hereby annulled.
671
00:33:20,733 --> 00:33:22,526
Teddy, can they do this to us?
672
00:33:22,610 --> 00:33:23,810
Let me see that.
673
00:33:27,489 --> 00:33:29,158
This is a nightmare.
674
00:33:32,328 --> 00:33:33,662
You fucking believe that?
675
00:33:33,829 --> 00:33:35,831
No, This is insane.
676
00:33:35,998 --> 00:33:37,791
I mean, Tami's the woman I love.
677
00:33:38,000 --> 00:33:40,190
You know, I never would even have
tried to adopt a dog
678
00:33:40,210 --> 00:33:42,484
if I had known it was gonna cause me
this kind of shit storm.
679
00:33:42,504 --> 00:33:44,314
This whole thing is complete bullshit.
680
00:33:44,381 --> 00:33:46,383
I mean, if you ask me,
we got to fight it.
681
00:33:46,926 --> 00:33:48,886
What do you mean?
I mean, we get a lawyer.
682
00:33:49,470 --> 00:33:50,763
Oh, my God, Can we do that?
683
00:33:50,888 --> 00:33:52,286
Hell yeah!
You know what we do?
684
00:33:52,306 --> 00:33:53,579
We'll get a lawyer and we'll sue
685
00:33:53,599 --> 00:33:55,289
the fucking government
for your civil rights!
686
00:33:55,309 --> 00:33:57,144
Johnny, that's a great idea!
687
00:33:57,311 --> 00:33:59,501
Hey, hey! Maybe we get one of them
Harrison Ford lawyers
688
00:33:59,521 --> 00:34:02,004
who gets shot in the head, then
turns all retarded and nice and goes,
689
00:34:02,024 --> 00:34:03,108
"What we're doing is wrong.
690
00:34:03,192 --> 00:34:05,382
Yes, You know what, we get out there
and we stick it to them good.
691
00:34:05,402 --> 00:34:07,509
We take that shit all the way up
to Judge Judy if we have to.
692
00:34:07,529 --> 00:34:08,572
Yeah.
693
00:34:08,656 --> 00:34:11,388
But we don't know any lawyers, All our
friends make sandwiches.
694
00:34:11,408 --> 00:34:13,702
Ah, Oh, we just Google "Boston lawyers.
695
00:34:15,162 --> 00:34:17,331
Jesus, Look at that black cock.
696
00:34:37,476 --> 00:34:38,676
Uh...
697
00:34:39,103 --> 00:34:42,189
This is a very complicated case
you have here.
698
00:34:42,272 --> 00:34:46,819
Most civil rights cases are, but
this one has some very obvious wrinkles.
699
00:34:47,111 --> 00:34:49,207
Well, everybody says
you're the best in town.
700
00:34:49,279 --> 00:34:52,908
Listen, your case is not gonna be cheap.
701
00:34:53,075 --> 00:34:55,077
What is your financial situation?
702
00:34:55,369 --> 00:34:58,330
Uh, all of our holdings are tied up
in the railroads.
703
00:34:58,414 --> 00:35:00,896
Yeah, Reading Railroad, 5&0 Railroad,
Pennsylvania Railroad.
704
00:35:00,916 --> 00:35:04,108
We're working on Short Line, Urn, I
own Atlantic Avenue and Marvin Gardens.
705
00:35:04,128 --> 00:35:05,693
And I own four houses on Baltic Ave.
706
00:35:05,713 --> 00:35:07,778
I was thinking about just tearing them down
and building a hotel.
707
00:35:07,798 --> 00:35:10,572
I won second prize in a beauty contest.
That's $50 right there.
708
00:35:10,592 --> 00:35:12,511
Are you guys just saying Monopoly stuff?
709
00:35:12,803 --> 00:35:14,243
Tell you what, I'm gonna go
drive around the blook,
710
00:35:14,263 --> 00:35:15,639
and I'll be back with $200.
711
00:35:15,764 --> 00:35:17,766
I'll tell you what I'm gonna do.
712
00:35:17,933 --> 00:35:20,019
My niece recently passed her bar exam
713
00:35:20,102 --> 00:35:23,230
and I've hired her on as a junior associate
here at the firm.
714
00:35:23,355 --> 00:35:25,691
I could assign her to
your case, pro bono.
715
00:35:25,816 --> 00:35:27,673
And then you would get
a hungry, young attorney
716
00:35:27,693 --> 00:35:30,946
and I would get a more
experienced lawyer in return.
717
00:35:31,238 --> 00:35:32,524
So what do you say to that?
718
00:35:32,740 --> 00:35:34,783
Yeah, sure, sounds great.
719
00:35:35,284 --> 00:35:37,578
Um, are those hard candies,
like, just to take?
720
00:35:38,495 --> 00:35:40,372
Uh, those aren't supposed to be out.
721
00:35:51,133 --> 00:35:52,134
Hello?
722
00:35:52,301 --> 00:35:54,386
Oh! Fuck!
723
00:35:55,137 --> 00:35:56,138
Hi.
724
00:35:56,221 --> 00:35:57,222
You Okay?
725
00:35:57,306 --> 00:35:58,891
Yeah! I'm fine.
726
00:35:58,974 --> 00:36:00,225
You must be Ted.
727
00:36:00,309 --> 00:36:02,227
Yeah, Uh, I'm Ted,
728
00:36:02,311 --> 00:36:03,740
- this is my buddy, John.
- Hi.
729
00:36:03,812 --> 00:36:07,316
Um, my uncle says that you guys
are my first clients.
730
00:36:07,649 --> 00:36:10,611
Uh, it's been discussed,
731
00:36:11,111 --> 00:36:12,926
but do you mind if I ask how old you are?
732
00:36:12,946 --> 00:36:14,448
I'm 26.
733
00:36:14,656 --> 00:36:15,856
Ah.
734
00:36:15,908 --> 00:36:17,367
What, is there a problem?
735
00:36:17,451 --> 00:36:19,475
Well, you know, I just don't want
my lawyer singing
736
00:36:19,495 --> 00:36:21,310
Frozen songs during
the opening arguments.
737
00:36:21,330 --> 00:36:23,145
It's just this is
a really important case.
738
00:36:23,165 --> 00:36:25,606
Ted has already lost his job, his marriage
has been annulled.
739
00:36:25,626 --> 00:36:27,878
I know, My uncle gave me all the details.
740
00:36:28,045 --> 00:36:30,235
Right, You see, the thing is, we don't
want to take any chances
741
00:36:30,255 --> 00:36:32,216
because the stakes are so significant.
742
00:36:32,341 --> 00:36:33,572
We can't just rush into anything.
743
00:36:33,592 --> 00:36:35,074
We got to make sure we're making
the right decision.
744
00:36:35,094 --> 00:36:36,492
We really appreciate your time,
745
00:36:36,512 --> 00:36:37,785
but I think what
we're probably gonna do is
746
00:36:37,805 --> 00:36:39,377
just take a seat and get to work.
747
00:36:39,431 --> 00:36:40,432
Trust you completely.
748
00:36:40,516 --> 00:36:42,802
Yeah, we really feel like
you got a lot to offer.
749
00:36:44,311 --> 00:36:45,312
Sorry.
750
00:36:45,395 --> 00:36:46,668
You don't mind the pot, do you?
751
00:36:46,688 --> 00:36:47,731
I get migraines.
752
00:36:47,815 --> 00:36:49,338
Oh, absolutely, me, too.
That's fine.
753
00:36:49,358 --> 00:36:52,132
I'm gonna get a huge migraine
in the parking lot in about 20 minutes.
754
00:36:52,152 --> 00:36:53,904
Oh, I'm Samantha Jackson.
755
00:36:54,071 --> 00:36:55,572
Ted, How are ya?
756
00:36:55,739 --> 00:36:57,513
Good to meet you, John.
Nice to meet you.
757
00:36:57,533 --> 00:36:59,486
Wait, wait, wait.
What's your middle name?
758
00:36:59,660 --> 00:37:00,860
Leslie.
759
00:37:00,911 --> 00:37:03,956
Oh, my God! So you're Sam L. Jackson!
760
00:37:04,039 --> 00:37:06,021
That's fucking great!
Just like Sam L. Jackson!
761
00:37:06,041 --> 00:37:07,084
Who is that?
762
00:37:07,209 --> 00:37:10,212
You ever seen any movie ever?
He's the black guy.
763
00:37:13,048 --> 00:37:14,508
That weed is really good.
764
00:37:14,591 --> 00:37:16,031
It reminds me of the strain I smoked
765
00:37:16,051 --> 00:37:17,861
last summer called "Here Comes Autism.
766
00:37:17,886 --> 00:37:20,369
Yeah, I was just gonna say it's sort of like
this other batch we had called
767
00:37:20,389 --> 00:37:22,015
"How Long Has That Van Been There?
768
00:37:22,349 --> 00:37:25,602
No, it's this new strain my dealer
gave me called Help Me Get Home.
769
00:37:25,727 --> 00:37:27,918
You know, I'm surprised a lawyer
like you gets high.
770
00:37:27,938 --> 00:37:29,378
I mean, aren't you
supposed to be fighting
771
00:37:29,398 --> 00:37:31,065
the War on Drugs and all that shit?
772
00:37:31,108 --> 00:37:33,068
Please, the War on Drugs is a joke.
773
00:37:33,193 --> 00:37:34,550
It's just a way for the government
774
00:37:34,570 --> 00:37:36,051
to inflate law enforcement budgets
775
00:37:36,071 --> 00:37:38,699
and lock up minorities
for no good legal reason.
776
00:37:38,782 --> 00:37:41,368
And you, my friend,
are an oppressed minority.
777
00:37:41,535 --> 00:37:43,120
Yeah, No shit.
778
00:37:43,203 --> 00:37:45,477
They've denied you the same rights
as everybody else
779
00:37:45,497 --> 00:37:46,854
just because you're different,
780
00:37:46,874 --> 00:37:49,501
and I say that's a violation
of the Constitution.
781
00:37:49,960 --> 00:37:52,199
So what do you say?
Can you get me my life back?
782
00:37:55,799 --> 00:37:57,217
I'm gonna try.
783
00:37:57,551 --> 00:37:59,011
Hey, guys?
784
00:37:59,094 --> 00:38:01,180
I'm having some trouble over here.
785
00:38:01,471 --> 00:38:02,671
What's the matter?
786
00:38:03,891 --> 00:38:05,309
Can you help me get home?
787
00:38:06,226 --> 00:38:08,353
I'm having a really hard time here, guys.
788
00:38:08,437 --> 00:38:10,127
Johnny, it's okay, buddy, It's okay.
789
00:38:10,147 --> 00:38:11,378
You're doing fine.
You're doing great.
790
00:38:11,398 --> 00:38:12,357
No, I'm scared, All right.
791
00:38:12,441 --> 00:38:14,318
I know, Come on, it's okay, though.
792
00:38:14,401 --> 00:38:16,116
You just have to hang onto the wall.
793
00:38:17,362 --> 00:38:18,780
Don't let the goose get me!
794
00:38:19,281 --> 00:38:20,616
How far away does he live?
795
00:38:21,116 --> 00:38:22,450
Uh, about a mile-and-a-half.
796
00:38:22,492 --> 00:38:23,535
Fuck, okay.
797
00:38:23,619 --> 00:38:26,496
Hey, it's okay, One foot in front
of the other.
798
00:38:36,131 --> 00:38:39,509
All right, I got Dred Scott Vs Sandford,
Plessy Vs Ferguson
799
00:38:39,593 --> 00:38:41,386
and Brown Vs the Board of Education.
800
00:38:41,470 --> 00:38:45,807
I got Kramer Vs. Kramer, Alien Vs. Predator,
and Freddy Vs. Jason.
801
00:38:45,891 --> 00:38:49,186
I got, uh, Ernest Goes to Camp,
Ernest Goes to Jail
802
00:38:49,269 --> 00:38:52,522
and The Importance of Being Earnest,
which was very disappointing.
803
00:39:14,086 --> 00:39:15,984
Okay, I'm gonna ask you
a few test questions, Are you ready?
804
00:39:16,004 --> 00:39:17,089
Yep, bring it on.
805
00:39:17,172 --> 00:39:18,799
You're on the stand, the DA says,
806
00:39:18,882 --> 00:39:21,051
"Ted, do you consider yourself
to be human?
807
00:39:21,134 --> 00:39:22,261
- Objection!
- Sustained!
808
00:39:22,344 --> 00:39:23,345
No, the witness can't object.
809
00:39:23,428 --> 00:39:24,429
- Overruled!
- Sidebar?
810
00:39:24,513 --> 00:39:25,472
- Guilty!
- Speculation!
811
00:39:25,555 --> 00:39:27,120
- Hearsay! Briefcase!
- Bailiff! Disregard!
812
00:39:27,140 --> 00:39:28,747
- In my chambers!
- Stop beavering the witness!
813
00:39:28,767 --> 00:39:30,123
- I rest,
- We could totally be lawyers.
814
00:39:30,143 --> 00:39:31,343
Bang.
815
00:40:56,271 --> 00:40:58,857
Oh, my God! I'm gonna
fall off the building.
816
00:41:04,446 --> 00:41:06,615
Your name is Toby!
817
00:41:06,698 --> 00:41:08,617
You're going to learn to say your name.
818
00:41:08,700 --> 00:41:10,327
Let me hear you say it.
819
00:41:11,161 --> 00:41:12,454
What's your name?
820
00:41:13,747 --> 00:41:16,291
Kunta, Kunta Kinte.
821
00:41:16,750 --> 00:41:19,961
That's just like me, That's exactly what
I'm going through.
822
00:41:20,045 --> 00:41:21,474
Well, it's a little different.
823
00:41:21,797 --> 00:41:25,509
You know, Ted, if you legally become a
person, you're gonna need a last name.
824
00:41:25,967 --> 00:41:28,970
Oh, yeah, you're right.
Okay, okay, I got one.
825
00:41:29,137 --> 00:41:30,337
Okay, what is it?
826
00:41:30,472 --> 00:41:31,973
Clubber Lang.
827
00:41:32,307 --> 00:41:33,725
Who is Clubber Lang?
828
00:41:33,809 --> 00:41:34,935
Who's Clubber Lang?
829
00:41:35,018 --> 00:41:37,020
Mr. T's character
in Rocky Ill. Hello?
830
00:41:37,479 --> 00:41:39,064
Is that the boxing movies?
831
00:41:39,314 --> 00:41:40,273
The boxing...
832
00:41:40,357 --> 00:41:42,130
- You've never seen Rocky?
- She's not serious.
833
00:41:42,150 --> 00:41:43,276
You've never seen Rocky?
834
00:41:43,360 --> 00:41:44,560
You know...
835
00:41:48,281 --> 00:41:49,324
You know, Rocky!
836
00:41:49,408 --> 00:41:51,139
I'm not gonna remember
a movie I've never seen
837
00:41:51,159 --> 00:41:52,974
just because you're singing a song
I don't know.
838
00:41:52,994 --> 00:41:55,566
You don't know Samuel L. Jackson,
you don't know Rocky.
839
00:41:55,622 --> 00:41:57,479
You are literally pop culture illiterate.
840
00:41:57,499 --> 00:41:58,917
I have a college degree.
841
00:41:59,000 --> 00:42:01,483
My pop culture references are Hamlet,
Achilles and Dorian Gray.
842
00:42:01,503 --> 00:42:02,587
Ever heard of any of them?
843
00:42:02,671 --> 00:42:05,132
No, but I'm pretty sure
Mr. T could kick their ass!
844
00:42:05,215 --> 00:42:07,175
Yeah, Sam, you really
need to be educated.
845
00:42:07,342 --> 00:42:11,680
Oh, really? Um, can either of you
tell me who wrote The Great Gatsby?
846
00:42:12,180 --> 00:42:13,306
- Judy Blume?
- Hitler?
847
00:42:13,390 --> 00:42:14,599
F. Scott Fitzgerald.
848
00:42:14,683 --> 00:42:15,883
Who's that?
849
00:42:16,017 --> 00:42:17,018
The author.
850
00:42:17,185 --> 00:42:18,614
Why are you saying, "Fuck him?
851
00:42:18,687 --> 00:42:19,646
What?
852
00:42:19,729 --> 00:42:21,169
You just said "F"
Scott Fitzgerald."
853
00:42:21,189 --> 00:42:22,963
- What did Scott Fitzgerald do to you?
- Yeah.
854
00:42:22,983 --> 00:42:24,693
No, that's his first name.
855
00:42:24,985 --> 00:42:26,653
His name's Fuck Scott Fitzgerald?
856
00:42:26,736 --> 00:42:27,936
What? No.
857
00:42:27,988 --> 00:42:29,344
Well, then, what's the "F" stand for?
858
00:42:29,364 --> 00:42:30,365
Francis.
859
00:42:30,490 --> 00:42:32,055
- No, It's got to be "Fuck.
- It must be "Fuck.
860
00:42:32,075 --> 00:42:33,473
- It's got to be "Fuck.
- It has to be "Fuck.
861
00:42:33,493 --> 00:42:34,724
Why the hell would it be "Fuck?
862
00:42:34,744 --> 00:42:36,476
Well, because otherwise,
why wouldn't he just say it?
863
00:42:36,496 --> 00:42:37,894
Yeah, he's hiding something, It's "Fuck.
864
00:42:37,914 --> 00:42:39,855
- Come on, read between the lines, Sam
- It's Fuck.
865
00:42:39,875 --> 00:42:42,043
That's completely
insane, you guys are idiots.
866
00:42:42,127 --> 00:42:45,213
Yeah, well, whatever.
Ted Clubber Lang, Get used to it.
867
00:42:50,969 --> 00:42:52,169
Yes!
868
00:42:53,889 --> 00:42:55,089
Sir?
869
00:42:55,223 --> 00:42:58,101
Um, one of the janitors
would like to see you.
870
00:42:58,560 --> 00:42:59,760
I'm busy.
871
00:43:00,061 --> 00:43:01,688
Fresh cakes!
872
00:43:02,522 --> 00:43:03,722
What is it, Danny?
873
00:43:03,773 --> 00:43:04,983
Uh, Donny, sir.
874
00:43:05,066 --> 00:43:08,487
Well, Donny, I'm extremely
busy with the Comic Con presentation...
875
00:43:08,570 --> 00:43:11,011
I'm told that you have an open-door policy
here at Hasbro
876
00:43:11,031 --> 00:43:13,575
for new toy ideas
from any and all employees?
877
00:43:14,576 --> 00:43:16,369
Yeah, I suppose that's true.
878
00:43:17,579 --> 00:43:18,914
All right, come in.
879
00:43:19,080 --> 00:43:20,540
Okay.
880
00:43:20,707 --> 00:43:23,251
Thank you, Thank you.
I love your dress.
881
00:43:29,382 --> 00:43:30,592
Mr. Jessup,
882
00:43:30,800 --> 00:43:33,220
I can make this company
a billion dollars.
883
00:43:33,595 --> 00:43:34,795
I'm listening.
884
00:43:35,889 --> 00:43:36,932
Thirty years ago,
885
00:43:37,098 --> 00:43:39,392
a little boy named
John Bennett made a wish
886
00:43:39,476 --> 00:43:41,728
that his teddy bear would come to life.
887
00:43:41,895 --> 00:43:44,147
Somehow, one of our Hasbro bears...
888
00:43:44,231 --> 00:43:45,941
Yes, I'm aware of the story.
889
00:43:47,776 --> 00:43:49,486
Have you seen this?
890
00:43:54,658 --> 00:43:55,742
So what?
891
00:43:55,825 --> 00:43:58,995
Well, Ted is suing for his civil rights.
892
00:43:59,162 --> 00:44:02,040
If he loses, the state
will officially declare him
893
00:44:02,123 --> 00:44:04,751
a non-entity with
no rights under the law.
894
00:44:05,293 --> 00:44:07,420
That means he becomes property.
895
00:44:07,879 --> 00:44:09,079
Mr. Jessup,
896
00:44:10,090 --> 00:44:14,302
we could take him back, with only
a trivial degree of legal consequence
897
00:44:14,386 --> 00:44:15,929
if we were even caught.
898
00:44:16,137 --> 00:44:17,722
And why would we do this?
899
00:44:17,806 --> 00:44:22,811
Sir, if we could cut him open to see
what makes him tick,
900
00:44:22,978 --> 00:44:27,107
we could manufacture millions of Teds for
every child in the world.
901
00:44:27,232 --> 00:44:29,818
Hasbro would double
its profits overnight.
902
00:44:30,902 --> 00:44:31,945
Go on.
903
00:44:32,028 --> 00:44:34,823
We just have to make sure
Ted loses the case.
904
00:44:35,031 --> 00:44:38,076
You use every back channel, every bribe,
905
00:44:38,201 --> 00:44:39,452
you call in every favor
906
00:44:39,536 --> 00:44:43,832
and you get the best lawyer in the world
on the defense.
907
00:44:44,332 --> 00:44:47,377
When Ted's rights are officially null,
908
00:44:48,837 --> 00:44:50,297
we grab him.
909
00:44:51,715 --> 00:44:54,801
No one's going to kick up a legal fuss
over property.
910
00:44:55,510 --> 00:44:58,722
You're a hell of a lot smarter than
your urinal cakes, Danny.
911
00:44:59,180 --> 00:45:00,380
Really?
912
00:45:00,515 --> 00:45:02,851
Now, what exactly do you want from this?
913
00:45:03,560 --> 00:45:06,313
Mr. Jessup, I'm not interested
in money.
914
00:45:08,732 --> 00:45:11,067
I just want a Ted for my very own.
915
00:45:12,235 --> 00:45:15,363
All right, I think I can
handle the defense.
916
00:45:16,364 --> 00:45:17,949
But let's make one thing clear.
917
00:45:18,033 --> 00:45:19,701
We never had this conversation.
918
00:45:19,951 --> 00:45:23,371
Goldner and the board
cannot know about this until we have him.
919
00:45:23,913 --> 00:45:25,290
Do you understand?
920
00:45:25,373 --> 00:45:26,708
Yes, I do.
921
00:45:30,253 --> 00:45:32,255
I need Shep Wild.
922
00:45:35,091 --> 00:45:37,677
That was such a good dinner, Tami-Lynn.
923
00:45:37,802 --> 00:45:39,701
I've never had Pringles on
my steak before.
924
00:45:39,721 --> 00:45:40,921
Oh, it's my pleasure.
925
00:45:40,972 --> 00:45:44,351
It's the least I can do
with all you're doing for us, Really.
926
00:45:44,434 --> 00:45:46,686
Oh, I haven't done anything yet.
927
00:45:46,770 --> 00:45:48,543
Well, you know, we wanted to take
you out to dinner,
928
00:45:48,563 --> 00:45:52,567
but, uh, all we got is Tami's income
these days since nobody will hire me.
929
00:45:52,651 --> 00:45:54,215
Things are getting really tight, huh?
930
00:45:54,235 --> 00:45:56,613
Yeah, I've had to do
some things I'm not proud of.
931
00:45:56,905 --> 00:46:00,283
BJs here! Get your BJs!
Get your red-hot BJs!
932
00:46:00,367 --> 00:46:03,161
Toothless and ready to go.
Just 3 dollar! 3 dollar!
933
00:46:03,244 --> 00:46:04,579
Get your BJs here.
934
00:46:04,996 --> 00:46:06,122
Wow.
935
00:46:06,206 --> 00:46:07,492
Hey, listen, l got an idea.
936
00:46:07,540 --> 00:46:10,085
Uh, Tami, what do
you say you and me go do the dishes
937
00:46:10,168 --> 00:46:12,712
and give Sam and Diane here
some alone time, eh'?
938
00:46:13,046 --> 00:46:15,256
All right, all right.
939
00:46:15,548 --> 00:46:17,967
Hey, you go pull a bad back, bitch!
940
00:46:19,594 --> 00:46:21,166
What do you think that was about?
941
00:46:21,304 --> 00:46:23,411
Oh, it's nothing, That's his way of saying
I should ask you out.
942
00:46:23,431 --> 00:46:24,474
Ah.
943
00:46:24,557 --> 00:46:25,642
Uh, yeah, look...
944
00:46:25,725 --> 00:46:28,416
We should probably focus our attention
on the case for now.
945
00:46:28,436 --> 00:46:30,063
I completely agree.
946
00:46:31,106 --> 00:46:35,193
You know, l am a little bit curious, How
is it that a guy like you is unattached?
947
00:46:36,319 --> 00:46:40,782
Well, I was married at one point,
but it just didn't work out.
948
00:46:40,949 --> 00:46:43,118
Shits, I'm sorry, That sucks.
949
00:46:43,284 --> 00:46:46,746
No, I mean, we'd make it work day to day,
950
00:46:47,205 --> 00:46:48,895
but she was always
just trying to change me
951
00:46:48,915 --> 00:46:50,125
into someone I'm not.
952
00:46:50,291 --> 00:46:52,001
And I tried, you know?
953
00:46:52,836 --> 00:46:56,297
I really tried everything
I could to be the man that she wanted.
954
00:46:56,798 --> 00:47:00,385
One day I woke up and I just realized
I wasn't myself anymore.
955
00:47:01,219 --> 00:47:05,306
You know, as much as I love this person,
we're completely wrong for each other.
956
00:47:06,057 --> 00:47:08,226
At least you figured it out early.
957
00:47:08,518 --> 00:47:10,125
Some people go through their whole lives
958
00:47:10,145 --> 00:47:12,241
trying to make it work
with the wrong person.
959
00:47:12,564 --> 00:47:13,815
Yeah.
960
00:47:15,108 --> 00:47:16,585
So, we're gonna win this thing?
961
00:47:16,985 --> 00:47:18,862
Honestly, I don't know.
962
00:47:19,237 --> 00:47:20,739
Oh, we're betting on you.
963
00:47:21,531 --> 00:47:24,013
Hey, Johnny, come on, It's almost 7:00.
We got to get up there.
964
00:47:24,033 --> 00:47:25,390
Hey, Sam, you want in on this?
965
00:47:25,410 --> 00:47:26,453
What is it?
966
00:47:26,536 --> 00:47:29,539
On Tuesday nights, we get fucked up
and throw apples at joggers.
967
00:47:33,710 --> 00:47:34,910
Oh, there's one!
968
00:47:36,421 --> 00:47:37,861
- How's your workout?
- Fuck you!
969
00:47:37,881 --> 00:47:39,758
Eat my pussy!
Have some apples!
970
00:47:39,841 --> 00:47:41,603
Jesus, what the hell is your problem?
971
00:47:41,843 --> 00:47:44,053
It's everybody else's fault, Mary Decker!
972
00:47:44,471 --> 00:47:45,555
Barn!
973
00:47:45,638 --> 00:47:47,807
You sons of bitches!
What the fuck is your...
974
00:47:51,060 --> 00:47:53,188
That's the lottery!
That's the lottery!
975
00:47:53,271 --> 00:47:55,899
That's what you get
for fucking exercising!
976
00:47:56,357 --> 00:47:58,109
That is unbelievable!
977
00:48:32,560 --> 00:48:33,760
Teddy.
978
00:48:34,729 --> 00:48:36,147
Teddy, I'm scared.
979
00:48:36,231 --> 00:48:37,482
Baby, we're gonna be fine.
980
00:48:37,565 --> 00:48:40,777
I don't care what any fucking
piece of paper says, You're my wife.
981
00:48:41,152 --> 00:48:42,904
I love you so much.
982
00:48:42,987 --> 00:48:44,302
And I swear to God, if we lose,
983
00:48:44,322 --> 00:48:45,907
I'm gonna fucking cut that judge.
984
00:48:46,074 --> 00:48:47,680
Wait a minute.
You brought your switchblade?
985
00:48:47,700 --> 00:48:48,701
Yeah.
986
00:48:48,785 --> 00:48:51,226
But they patted us down on the way in here.
Where'd you even hide it?
987
00:48:51,246 --> 00:48:52,664
Oh!
988
00:48:53,915 --> 00:48:55,115
Hey, Sam.
989
00:48:55,750 --> 00:48:57,335
Who's that buttnut over there?
990
00:48:59,796 --> 00:49:02,924
That is why we've been working so hard.
That's Shep Wild.
991
00:49:03,007 --> 00:49:05,055
It's our bad luck
they put him on the trial.
992
00:49:05,426 --> 00:49:07,220
He's never lost a case in his life.
993
00:49:07,846 --> 00:49:11,558
Mr. Wild, your opening statement,
if you please.
994
00:49:11,850 --> 00:49:13,226
Thank you, Your Honor.
995
00:49:14,143 --> 00:49:17,143
I would first like to thank
the ladies and gentlemen of the jury
996
00:49:17,313 --> 00:49:20,108
for taking time out
of their busy schedules
997
00:49:20,525 --> 00:49:22,360
to be a part of these proceedings.
998
00:49:22,819 --> 00:49:28,032
Now, the case we'll be examining today
is really quite a simple one.
999
00:49:28,408 --> 00:49:30,660
Is Ted a human being?
1000
00:49:31,119 --> 00:49:32,704
Or a piece of property?
1001
00:49:33,538 --> 00:49:39,335
You know, it really is a very special,
very unique thing to be human.
1002
00:49:40,044 --> 00:49:43,923
It's a gift from God bestowed upon
only one species.
1003
00:49:44,382 --> 00:49:45,582
Us.
1004
00:49:46,050 --> 00:49:48,845
But if we suddenly decide
to share that gift,
1005
00:49:49,846 --> 00:49:51,306
where does that lead us?
1006
00:49:51,973 --> 00:49:53,975
Does your dog deserve human rights?
1007
00:49:54,475 --> 00:49:55,768
Your cat?
1008
00:49:55,852 --> 00:49:57,270
Your toaster?
1009
00:50:00,481 --> 00:50:03,693
Suddenly, being human
doesn't seem so special anymore, does it?
1010
00:50:04,861 --> 00:50:07,572
I'm confident you'll make
the right decision.
1011
00:50:08,615 --> 00:50:11,367
Thank you, Mr. Wild,
for your opening statement.
1012
00:50:11,743 --> 00:50:12,952
Ms. Jackson?
1013
00:50:18,875 --> 00:50:20,084
Hi.
1014
00:50:21,002 --> 00:50:22,879
I am Samantha Jackson.
1015
00:50:23,338 --> 00:50:25,548
I got to be honest with you, I'm...
1016
00:50:26,341 --> 00:50:28,259
I'm a little nervous.
1017
00:50:28,718 --> 00:50:30,386
Why am I nervous? Um...
1018
00:50:31,471 --> 00:50:35,016
Well, not because I'm a junior attorney
arguing her first case.
1019
00:50:35,683 --> 00:50:37,332
And not because some of you might laugh
1020
00:50:37,352 --> 00:50:40,063
at the fact that
I'm representing a teddy bear.
1021
00:50:42,857 --> 00:50:47,153
No, I'm... I'm nervous because
of one simple word.
1022
00:50:49,614 --> 00:50:50,865
"Justice.
1023
00:50:51,783 --> 00:50:56,454
I'm nervous that you're going
to be swayed
1024
00:50:56,621 --> 00:50:59,624
by smooth talk and a haircut,
1025
00:50:59,874 --> 00:51:04,003
and forget about the most important
aspect of this case.
1026
00:51:05,380 --> 00:51:06,580
Justice.
1027
00:51:08,299 --> 00:51:09,680
A hundred and fifty years ago
1028
00:51:09,801 --> 00:51:12,136
a slave by the name of Dred Scott
1029
00:51:12,220 --> 00:51:15,807
sued to prove that he was a person and
not a piece of property.
1030
00:51:16,265 --> 00:51:17,725
He lost.
1031
00:51:17,976 --> 00:51:21,980
And as history has shown us,
that wasn't justice.
1032
00:51:24,273 --> 00:51:26,943
In every civil rights conflict,
1033
00:51:27,610 --> 00:51:31,656
we are only able to recognize
the just point of view
1034
00:51:31,739 --> 00:51:33,574
years after the fact.
1035
00:51:34,075 --> 00:51:36,244
And when the next conflict comes along,
1036
00:51:36,411 --> 00:51:39,414
we're once again blind to it
as it's happening.
1037
00:51:40,415 --> 00:51:43,835
"Well, this is different,"
we say, but it isn't.
1038
00:51:45,003 --> 00:51:48,172
It is the same beast, just wearing
a different face,
1039
00:51:48,256 --> 00:51:49,882
and it's happening again today.
1040
00:51:51,426 --> 00:51:54,637
So I urge you, ladies and gentlemen
of the jury,
1041
00:51:54,804 --> 00:51:57,932
not to be a footnote
on the wrong side of history.
1042
00:52:00,601 --> 00:52:02,770
Don't wait too long to be right.
1043
00:52:04,439 --> 00:52:05,639
Thank you.
1044
00:52:09,610 --> 00:52:10,611
Erection.
1045
00:52:10,778 --> 00:52:12,321
Sustained.
1046
00:52:14,949 --> 00:52:18,016
Ms. Mc.Cafferty, you and Ted recently
considered adopting a child.
1047
00:52:18,036 --> 00:52:19,236
Is that correct?
1048
00:52:19,454 --> 00:52:20,654
Yeah.
1049
00:52:20,913 --> 00:52:22,206
And if I may inquire,
1050
00:52:22,290 --> 00:52:24,671
why did you not choose to have
a child of your own?
1051
00:52:25,251 --> 00:52:26,775
Because Teddy ain't got no dick.
1052
00:52:30,506 --> 00:52:31,549
Uh-huh.
1053
00:52:31,632 --> 00:52:36,345
And, uh, why does Ted not possess a, uh,
male appendage?
1054
00:52:36,804 --> 00:52:38,181
Is it a freak of genetics?
1055
00:52:38,473 --> 00:52:40,955
No, asshole, he ain't got a dick
because he's a fucking toy!
1056
00:52:40,975 --> 00:52:42,018
What's your excuse?
1057
00:52:42,143 --> 00:52:43,770
Whoa-ho! Take a burn!
1058
00:52:43,853 --> 00:52:46,377
Yeah! How's your tongue
taste in your own ass, Poindexter?
1059
00:52:46,397 --> 00:52:47,607
Yeah! How'd you...
What?
1060
00:52:47,732 --> 00:52:49,442
Order!
1061
00:52:50,651 --> 00:52:51,851
Mr. Bennett,
1062
00:52:52,320 --> 00:52:55,490
how would you categorize
your relationship with Ted?
1063
00:52:56,407 --> 00:52:57,658
He's my best friend.
1064
00:52:58,076 --> 00:53:00,161
So you don't see him as your property.
1065
00:53:00,495 --> 00:53:03,122
No, he's not my property.
He's a person.
1066
00:53:03,206 --> 00:53:05,271
He's way more of a person
than lots of other people.
1067
00:53:05,291 --> 00:53:06,672
I mean, fucking Steven Tyler?
1068
00:53:06,751 --> 00:53:08,066
What the fuck is that?
Some kind of
1069
00:53:08,086 --> 00:53:09,734
weird soccer-mom-looking Goonie monster?
1070
00:53:09,754 --> 00:53:11,255
- Your Honor?
- I'll allow it.
1071
00:53:11,589 --> 00:53:13,049
Thank you, Your Honor.
1072
00:53:13,716 --> 00:53:15,176
Your witness.
1073
00:53:18,679 --> 00:53:19,889
Mr. Bennett,
1074
00:53:20,765 --> 00:53:23,017
when and where did
you first encounter Ted?
1075
00:53:23,518 --> 00:53:25,958
Oh, what do you mean? My parents got him
for me when I was a kid.
1076
00:53:25,978 --> 00:53:28,064
A-ha, they got him.
1077
00:53:29,607 --> 00:53:31,025
Where did they get him?
1078
00:53:33,861 --> 00:53:35,113
Child World toy store.
1079
00:53:35,196 --> 00:53:37,178
I'm sorry, I couldn't hear that.
Could you repeat that, please?
1080
00:53:37,198 --> 00:53:38,888
Child World toy store.
You fucking heard me.
1081
00:53:38,908 --> 00:53:40,348
There's no need for hostility,
Mr. Bennett.
1082
00:53:40,368 --> 00:53:41,661
Why? Nobody here likes you!
1083
00:53:41,744 --> 00:53:43,840
I saw you eating lunch alone!
You're a loser!
1084
00:53:43,871 --> 00:53:44,956
- Your Honor?
- Mr. Bennett.
1085
00:53:45,039 --> 00:53:46,468
I hope your kids get bird flu!
1086
00:53:46,541 --> 00:53:47,542
Mr. Bennett!
1087
00:53:47,625 --> 00:53:48,825
I'm sorry.
1088
00:53:48,876 --> 00:53:51,921
Now, you said your parents purchased Ted,
1089
00:53:52,088 --> 00:53:55,383
as one might purchase
a baseball glove or a Big Wheel.
1090
00:53:55,466 --> 00:53:56,666
No, it's not like that!
1091
00:53:56,717 --> 00:53:57,718
Objection!
1092
00:53:57,802 --> 00:53:59,011
You can't do that!
1093
00:53:59,095 --> 00:54:00,368
You know what?
This is bullshit!
1094
00:54:00,388 --> 00:54:02,140
This court is trying to tell me
1095
00:54:02,223 --> 00:54:03,704
that I'm not as good as other people,
1096
00:54:03,724 --> 00:54:05,957
and this is exactly what you've been
doing to the fags!
1097
00:54:05,977 --> 00:54:06,978
Ted!
1098
00:54:07,061 --> 00:54:08,020
Sorry, sorry.
The homos, the homos.
1099
00:54:08,104 --> 00:54:09,710
This is exactly what you've been doing
1100
00:54:09,730 --> 00:54:11,295
to the homos, and I say it's wrong!
1101
00:54:11,315 --> 00:54:13,901
Ms. Jackson,
please control your client
1102
00:54:13,985 --> 00:54:16,128
or I'll hold both of you
in contempt of court!
1103
00:54:16,154 --> 00:54:17,238
Oh, piss off!
1104
00:54:17,321 --> 00:54:20,036
I'm standing up for rne and I'm standing up
for the homos!
1105
00:54:20,074 --> 00:54:21,159
We deserve respect!
1106
00:54:21,242 --> 00:54:22,243
Ted, shut up!
1107
00:54:22,368 --> 00:54:23,619
Fine.
1108
00:54:32,879 --> 00:54:35,403
Your Honor, I'd like to call
Ted Clubber Lang to the stand.
1109
00:54:35,423 --> 00:54:36,623
Yes!
1110
00:54:36,716 --> 00:54:38,676
My turn, assholes!
1111
00:54:43,890 --> 00:54:45,090
Ted,
1112
00:54:45,683 --> 00:54:46,893
do you love your wife?
1113
00:54:46,976 --> 00:54:50,104
Objection, She's not his wife.
The marriage was annulled.
1114
00:54:50,313 --> 00:54:51,772
I'll rephrase.
1115
00:54:52,899 --> 00:54:54,358
Do you love Tami-Lynn?
1116
00:54:54,775 --> 00:54:57,862
I love my wife, Okay?
My wife.
1117
00:54:57,945 --> 00:54:59,427
More than anything in the world.
1118
00:54:59,447 --> 00:55:01,657
We're married, I don't care
what anybody says.
1119
00:55:02,074 --> 00:55:05,620
So you're saying you are capable
of feeling love.
1120
00:55:05,995 --> 00:55:07,195
Yeah.
1121
00:55:07,496 --> 00:55:09,163
Hey, it must be weird for you guys,
1122
00:55:09,207 --> 00:55:10,646
having a doll up here on the stand
1123
00:55:10,666 --> 00:55:13,333
with no kid pointing to where his uncle
touched him, huh?
1124
00:55:14,170 --> 00:55:15,370
Yeah, no, yeah, no.
1125
00:55:15,421 --> 00:55:18,382
Yeah, lam capable.
I love a lot of stuff, Yeah.
1126
00:55:18,966 --> 00:55:23,095
Ted, do you believe you have a soul?
1127
00:55:24,472 --> 00:55:26,849
What did you think
1128
00:55:27,266 --> 00:55:29,852
I would do at this moment
1129
00:55:30,311 --> 00:55:33,147
When you're standing before me
1130
00:55:33,231 --> 00:55:35,942
With tears in your eyes
1131
00:55:36,734 --> 00:55:38,069
That answer your question?
1132
00:55:38,152 --> 00:55:39,612
Objection, Your Honor?
1133
00:55:39,820 --> 00:55:41,572
Overruled!
1134
00:55:41,739 --> 00:55:44,867
A-ha! What it is, man!
Dynomite.
1135
00:55:45,159 --> 00:55:46,994
Ted, Right, right.
Sorry, sorry.
1136
00:55:48,162 --> 00:55:51,207
Look, I'm not a scientist, okay?
1137
00:55:51,832 --> 00:55:55,169
I don't know exactly what
makes a person a person.
1138
00:55:55,336 --> 00:55:57,797
All I know is I feel stuff.
1139
00:55:58,297 --> 00:55:59,674
Just like all you guys.
1140
00:56:00,758 --> 00:56:03,282
And I don't think I ought to be treated
any different.
1141
00:56:07,181 --> 00:56:08,683
Capable of love.
1142
00:56:09,850 --> 00:56:11,894
Aware of his own consciousness.
1143
00:56:14,689 --> 00:56:16,399
Seems pretty human to me.
1144
00:56:17,358 --> 00:56:19,277
No further questions.
1145
00:56:19,986 --> 00:56:21,186
Mr. Kidder,
1146
00:56:21,279 --> 00:56:25,533
you were an employee at Hasbro from 1976
to 1998. Is that correct?
1147
00:56:25,700 --> 00:56:28,619
Yes, I supervised the stuffing of
the teddy bears.
1148
00:56:29,078 --> 00:56:30,685
And what is that stuffing made of?
1149
00:56:30,705 --> 00:56:33,124
A synthetic cotton-poly blend.
1150
00:56:33,291 --> 00:56:34,959
Is there anything else in there?
1151
00:56:35,293 --> 00:56:39,213
The bear products are affixed
with an electronic device in the chest
1152
00:56:39,547 --> 00:56:42,675
which can be programmed
to say any one of five phrases.
1153
00:56:44,218 --> 00:56:45,418
Hmm.
1154
00:56:48,306 --> 00:56:49,506
Ted,
1155
00:56:50,391 --> 00:56:52,143
would you please press your chest?
1156
00:56:54,353 --> 00:56:55,553
What?
1157
00:56:55,855 --> 00:56:58,566
Please follow the instruction,
Mr. Clubber Lang.
1158
00:57:03,738 --> 00:57:05,239
I love you!
1159
00:57:15,624 --> 00:57:17,001
No further questions.
1160
00:57:19,754 --> 00:57:21,589
Also in the news, a pending court case
1161
00:57:21,714 --> 00:57:23,758
is beginning to get national attention
1162
00:57:23,841 --> 00:57:25,801
for its civil rights ramifications.
1163
00:57:25,926 --> 00:57:27,867
Ted, the bear,
who some of you may remember
1164
00:57:27,887 --> 00:57:31,390
came to life back in the mid-'80s
right here in Boston,
1165
00:57:31,557 --> 00:57:34,560
is suing to prove he is indeed a person.
1166
00:57:34,852 --> 00:57:37,355
Okay, so what are we even talking
about here?
1167
00:57:37,438 --> 00:57:41,317
What we're talking about is a civil
rights issue, This bear has rights.
1168
00:57:41,400 --> 00:57:43,361
Oh, come on! He does not!
He's a toy.
1169
00:57:43,444 --> 00:57:45,009
Then why are you calling it a "he"?
1170
00:57:45,029 --> 00:57:47,365
Look, we call the Statue of Liberty "she,
1171
00:57:47,448 --> 00:57:50,785
but we all know it's an object made
of copper and steel.
1172
00:57:50,868 --> 00:57:51,911
Oh, good point.
1173
00:57:51,952 --> 00:57:55,373
Yes, but she isn't conscious
or sentient, He is, Mmm-hmm.
1174
00:57:55,623 --> 00:57:56,665
Now, come on!
1175
00:57:56,749 --> 00:57:58,439
Are any of you
gonna sit there and tell me
1176
00:57:58,459 --> 00:58:00,169
that this stuffed doll is a person?
1177
00:58:00,252 --> 00:58:01,212
- No.
- Not at all.
1178
00:58:01,295 --> 00:58:02,526
We all agree all the time.
1179
00:58:02,546 --> 00:58:04,945
I don't think he should want to be
considered a person.
1180
00:58:04,965 --> 00:58:06,906
After all, you know, Ted spent many years
1181
00:58:06,926 --> 00:58:08,719
sleeping and cuddling with a child.
1182
00:58:08,803 --> 00:58:10,701
That's cute when you're a stuffed animal.
1183
00:58:10,721 --> 00:58:12,723
When you're a person, that's a felony.
1184
00:58:14,642 --> 00:58:17,603
Ted, do you have anything to say
in your own defense?
1185
00:58:17,978 --> 00:58:22,358
I am not an animal!
1186
00:58:25,903 --> 00:58:27,154
You see, your Honor?
1187
00:58:27,238 --> 00:58:28,572
He's not an animal.
1188
00:58:36,956 --> 00:58:39,500
I'm sorry, your Honor.
I'm on my period.
1189
00:58:40,167 --> 00:58:45,673
And live from New York, it's Saturday Night!
1190
00:59:03,190 --> 00:59:05,109
What is taking them so long?
1191
00:59:05,192 --> 00:59:07,049
Oh, is it bad that
they're taking this long?
1192
00:59:07,069 --> 00:59:08,696
It's not good or bad.
It just means
1193
00:59:08,779 --> 00:59:10,589
that they're probably having a debate.
1194
00:59:10,698 --> 00:59:13,079
Johnny, it may be time
to play the Betelgeuse card.
1195
00:59:13,159 --> 00:59:14,160
What do you mean?
1196
00:59:14,243 --> 00:59:15,891
I mean saying his name three times.
1197
00:59:15,911 --> 00:59:16,954
What?
1198
00:59:17,037 --> 00:59:18,269
Betelgeuse, Betelgeuse, Betelgeuse.
1199
00:59:18,289 --> 00:59:19,489
Shut up!
1200
00:59:19,540 --> 00:59:20,855
You fucking crazy?
We don't want
1201
00:59:20,875 --> 00:59:22,106
that guy running around in here.
1202
00:59:22,126 --> 00:59:23,357
No, Johnny, he'll be on our side.
1203
00:59:23,377 --> 00:59:24,775
He'll help us.
Betelgeuse, Betelgeuse...
1204
00:59:24,795 --> 00:59:27,381
You are meddling with powers
you do not understand.
1205
00:59:27,465 --> 00:59:28,665
Cut the shit.
1206
00:59:40,728 --> 00:59:41,928
Please be seated.
1207
00:59:44,690 --> 00:59:47,485
Mr. Willer, has the jury
reached a verdict?
1208
00:59:47,735 --> 00:59:49,570
Yes, we have, Your Honor.
1209
00:59:50,237 --> 00:59:54,325
Um, 'm the case of Ted v. The Commonwealth
of Massachusetts,
1210
00:59:54,450 --> 00:59:59,747
we, the jury, find for the Commonwealth
in that Ted is not a person.
1211
01:00:12,051 --> 01:00:13,251
Very well.
1212
01:00:13,302 --> 01:00:16,138
The plaintiff is hereby
legally deemed property.
1213
01:00:16,680 --> 01:00:19,266
The definition entails
the rights there of
1214
01:00:19,350 --> 01:00:21,810
and will be recognized in the terms set
1215
01:00:21,894 --> 01:00:24,271
by the Commonwealth of Massachusetts.
1216
01:00:24,355 --> 01:00:27,441
The court wishes to thank the jury
for its service.
1217
01:00:34,615 --> 01:00:36,534
Are you sure you can get him?
1218
01:00:36,700 --> 01:00:38,619
Remember, you're on your own out there.
1219
01:00:38,702 --> 01:00:40,579
Hasbro can have no connection to this.
1220
01:00:40,746 --> 01:00:42,248
Oh, I'll get him.
1221
01:00:42,706 --> 01:00:45,326
And when I have him, I'll call you
with the code phrase.
1222
01:00:46,126 --> 01:00:47,753
Do you remember what it is?
1223
01:00:48,128 --> 01:00:49,338
Yes, I remember it.
1224
01:00:49,505 --> 01:00:50,819
Should we say it just for safety?
1225
01:00:50,839 --> 01:00:51,840
No, that's not necessary.
1226
01:00:51,924 --> 01:00:52,883
Say it, Just say it.
Say it.
1227
01:00:52,967 --> 01:00:54,240
I don't want to.
I don't have to.
1228
01:00:54,260 --> 01:00:55,460
Fresh cakes.
1229
01:00:56,220 --> 01:00:57,471
Fresh cakes.
1230
01:01:05,980 --> 01:01:07,898
This isn't fucking fair.
1231
01:01:08,065 --> 01:01:09,900
Teddy's a good man.
1232
01:01:10,317 --> 01:01:12,937
Why is he being treated differently
than everybody else?
1233
01:01:13,279 --> 01:01:15,489
It's what this country does best.
1234
01:01:15,573 --> 01:01:17,575
Putting different people
into little groups
1235
01:01:17,658 --> 01:01:19,098
and making them watch Tyler Perry.
1236
01:01:19,118 --> 01:01:20,327
It's wrong!
1237
01:01:21,704 --> 01:01:23,080
I'm so sorry, baby.
1238
01:01:23,330 --> 01:01:26,667
No, I'm sorry! I thought
I'd built a better case.
1239
01:01:26,875 --> 01:01:27,918
It's just...
1240
01:01:28,002 --> 01:01:30,254
The reality is you have
a really shitty lawyer.
1241
01:01:30,379 --> 01:01:31,422
Hey, come on.
1242
01:01:31,505 --> 01:01:34,280
Nobody's blaming you for this.
You did everything you could.
1243
01:01:34,300 --> 01:01:36,343
I... I'm sitting here
1244
01:01:36,427 --> 01:01:38,762
and I...
I can't believe it's official.
1245
01:01:39,221 --> 01:01:40,764
Oh, so what are we gonna do now?
1246
01:01:40,848 --> 01:01:44,087
I mean, we can't take this lying
down, right? We got to do something.
1247
01:01:44,476 --> 01:01:47,334
You know what we're gonna do? We're gonna
call Patrick Meighan.
1248
01:01:47,354 --> 01:01:48,554
Who's that?
1249
01:01:48,731 --> 01:01:51,400
He is the top civil rights attorney
in America.
1250
01:01:51,525 --> 01:01:54,008
Wait, Is he the one who got that female
midget into the Marines?
1251
01:01:54,028 --> 01:01:55,029
Yeah.
1252
01:01:55,112 --> 01:01:56,510
Yeah, that had a sad ending though,
you remember?
1253
01:01:56,530 --> 01:01:57,970
She was at a Veterans Day parade,
1254
01:01:57,990 --> 01:01:59,305
and somebody handed her
a bunch of balloons
1255
01:01:59,325 --> 01:02:00,525
and...
Gone!
1256
01:02:00,701 --> 01:02:02,661
It was very sad.
Very sad for the family.
1257
01:02:02,828 --> 01:02:05,352
You know what? If anyone oan
get this verdict overturned, it's him.
1258
01:02:05,372 --> 01:02:06,457
He's not cheap,
1259
01:02:06,540 --> 01:02:08,626
but we've become such
a high profile case,
1260
01:02:08,709 --> 01:02:10,961
l feel like he might take it pro bono.
1261
01:02:11,045 --> 01:02:12,463
He's a sucker for media.
1262
01:02:16,258 --> 01:02:17,968
Hey, Johnny, how about a beer, huh?
1263
01:02:18,052 --> 01:02:19,553
Yeah, that's a good idea.
1264
01:02:20,721 --> 01:02:23,370
Hi, I'm calling for Patrick Meighan.
This is Samantha Jackson.
1265
01:02:23,390 --> 01:02:26,727
I defended Ted Clubber Lang
in Ted Vs Massachusetts.
1266
01:02:27,645 --> 01:02:28,646
Hey!
1267
01:02:28,729 --> 01:02:32,775
Hi, Mr. Meighan. Thank you so much
for taking my call.
1268
01:02:34,568 --> 01:02:37,321
Oh, you've been following
the case, That's great.
1269
01:02:38,364 --> 01:02:40,240
Yeah, that's actually why I'm calling.
1270
01:02:40,324 --> 01:02:42,159
Yeah, I was wondering
1271
01:02:42,242 --> 01:02:46,580
if, um, maybe you would consider helping us
try to overturn the verdict.
1272
01:02:48,457 --> 01:02:52,419
Well, yeah, I mean, it would have to be
a pro bono situation
1273
01:02:52,503 --> 01:02:54,735
because we're not really working
with much money.
1274
01:02:54,755 --> 01:02:56,965
But I think you'll be impressed
with my client.
1275
01:02:57,049 --> 01:02:58,842
Oh! Ha-ha!
Motherfucker!
1276
01:02:58,926 --> 01:03:00,177
Sure.
1277
01:03:00,260 --> 01:03:03,555
Yeah, great.
Okay, Thank you so much!
1278
01:03:03,639 --> 01:03:05,974
Okay, I'll see you then, bye.
1279
01:03:06,266 --> 01:03:07,466
Oh, my God!
1280
01:03:07,518 --> 01:03:09,458
He said he'll meet with us on Friday
at 9:00 a.m.
1281
01:03:09,478 --> 01:03:10,896
at his office in New York.
1282
01:03:10,979 --> 01:03:12,218
Is he gonna take the case?
1283
01:03:12,272 --> 01:03:14,316
I don't want to jinx it, but I think so.
1284
01:03:14,483 --> 01:03:16,610
Oh, my God! You hear that, Johnny?
1285
01:03:16,694 --> 01:03:17,966
- I still get a shot!
- Yes!
1286
01:03:17,986 --> 01:03:19,613
Oh, my God!
We got to celebrate!
1287
01:03:19,780 --> 01:03:20,864
Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
1288
01:03:20,948 --> 01:03:23,347
Let's go down to the improv
and yell sad suggestions?
1289
01:03:23,367 --> 01:03:24,368
Fuck yeah!
1290
01:03:24,451 --> 01:03:27,454
So first we need a historical event.
Who's got an event?
1291
01:03:27,621 --> 01:03:28,622
911.
1292
01:03:28,789 --> 01:03:31,291
Okay, maybe something else.
1293
01:03:31,458 --> 01:03:33,107
All right, let's start with a person.
1294
01:03:33,127 --> 01:03:34,327
Robin Williams!
1295
01:03:34,378 --> 01:03:37,589
Okay, all right, for real, guys, for real.
Who's got a person?
1296
01:03:37,673 --> 01:03:39,550
Robin Williams on 911.
1297
01:03:39,633 --> 01:03:41,448
All right, we've heard from these guys.
1298
01:03:41,468 --> 01:03:44,221
Let's maybe give somebody else
over here a chance.
1299
01:03:44,304 --> 01:03:46,161
How about a location?
Let's go with a location.
1300
01:03:46,181 --> 01:03:48,142
The offices of Charlie Hebdo.
1301
01:03:48,434 --> 01:03:51,311
Okay, seriously, sir, uh,
I just need a location.
1302
01:03:51,395 --> 01:03:52,604
Ferguson, Missouri.
1303
01:03:52,688 --> 01:03:54,064
Germanwings cockpit.
1304
01:03:54,231 --> 01:03:56,255
- Okay, I heard "Starbucks.
- No, you didn't.
1305
01:03:56,275 --> 01:03:57,475
Nobody said Starbucks.
1306
01:03:57,526 --> 01:04:00,654
All right, Starbucks, Okay, now,
who's in the Starbucks?
1307
01:04:00,821 --> 01:04:02,021
Bill Cosby.
1308
01:04:02,156 --> 01:04:03,356
You people are monsters.
1309
01:04:03,574 --> 01:04:05,139
We're giving you the tools, buddy.
1310
01:04:05,159 --> 01:04:06,779
Come on, make some fucking comedy.
1311
01:04:18,005 --> 01:04:20,053
All right, We'll be back
tomorrow afternoon.
1312
01:04:20,215 --> 01:04:22,217
I love you so much, Teddy.
1313
01:04:22,384 --> 01:04:25,721
You go kick some ass because I
am not taking off this wedding ring.
1314
01:04:25,888 --> 01:04:29,016
I love you too, baby.
I'll see you soon.
1315
01:05:13,602 --> 01:05:15,604
If you wanna sit there with a pie of meat
1316
01:05:15,687 --> 01:05:17,898
Just fuck your own brother
in the front seat
1317
01:05:17,981 --> 01:05:20,776
Oh, why can't you just say please?
1318
01:05:20,859 --> 01:05:23,362
Hey! Must be the money
1319
01:05:24,071 --> 01:05:26,720
Hey, Sam, why do you have a duffel bag
that says Arizona State?
1320
01:05:26,740 --> 01:05:28,222
Because that's where I went to school.
1321
01:05:28,242 --> 01:05:30,285
What, you went to Arizona State?
1322
01:05:30,369 --> 01:05:31,370
Yeah, why?
1323
01:05:31,453 --> 01:05:33,497
Oh, man, that's why we lost the case.
1324
01:05:33,580 --> 01:05:34,665
- Hello?
- You're dicks.
1325
01:05:34,748 --> 01:05:38,001
Arizona State. Hey, how many times you been
fucked on a houseboat?
1326
01:05:40,170 --> 01:05:41,255
Oh, come on.
1327
01:05:41,338 --> 01:05:42,569
Did you write your dissertation
1328
01:05:42,589 --> 01:05:44,925
on the collected works of, uh, Red Bull?
1329
01:05:45,092 --> 01:05:47,094
Yeah, Yeah, I did, I got an A on it.
1330
01:05:47,344 --> 01:05:51,473
So do you say Arizona State University
or do you just say HPVU?
1331
01:05:56,311 --> 01:05:59,026
This is perfect, We're gonna get to
the city before 10:00.
1332
01:05:59,273 --> 01:06:01,066
Hey, Sam, how's your boring salad?
1333
01:06:01,149 --> 01:06:02,609
Mmm, it's actually delicious.
1334
01:06:02,776 --> 01:06:04,758
Everybody always says
that about their salad.
1335
01:06:04,778 --> 01:06:06,176
They're all a bunch of fucking liars.
1336
01:06:06,196 --> 01:06:08,073
No, I love it.
It's really good.
1337
01:06:08,156 --> 01:06:10,597
Have some Cookie Crisp, You need
something nutritional.
1338
01:06:10,617 --> 01:06:12,015
Why do you think I want your Cookie Crisp?
1339
01:06:12,035 --> 01:06:13,934
Because you've been staring at it,
and you want it.
1340
01:06:13,954 --> 01:06:16,954
Hey, what's the deal here?
You guys ever gonna make out or what?
1341
01:06:17,124 --> 01:06:18,375
Teddy, come on, dude!
1342
01:06:18,458 --> 01:06:21,712
No, I'm just saying, You look like you're
hitting it off, you know?
1343
01:06:21,962 --> 01:06:23,672
Sam, you dig him, right?
1344
01:06:25,674 --> 01:06:26,717
Hey!
1345
01:06:26,800 --> 01:06:28,740
Where the hell's my coffee? I've been
waiting for 10 minutes.
1346
01:06:28,760 --> 01:06:31,076
I'm so sorry, sir, I forgot.
I'll get it right away.
1347
01:06:31,096 --> 01:06:34,335
Jesus, you're a waitress,
you're not building rockets, Figure it out!
1348
01:06:34,474 --> 01:06:35,893
What a prick!
1349
01:06:36,351 --> 01:06:39,113
Hey, 20 bucks I can toss a Cookie Crisp
into his ass crack.
1350
01:06:39,146 --> 01:06:40,346
Wait, let me try.
1351
01:06:40,480 --> 01:06:42,921
I used to pitch for the softball team
at Arizona State.
1352
01:06:42,941 --> 01:06:44,941
Oh, yeah? Was your mascot a broken condom?
1353
01:06:45,068 --> 01:06:46,403
Shut up.
1354
01:06:47,154 --> 01:06:48,906
- Oh, my God!
- Holy shit!
1355
01:06:48,989 --> 01:06:50,741
Who did that?
1356
01:06:50,991 --> 01:06:53,744
Oh, Jesus Christ.
You got to be kidding me!
1357
01:06:53,827 --> 01:06:55,637
Now, we're assholes.
Look what you did.
1358
01:06:55,662 --> 01:06:58,415
I swear to God, I'll kick your goddamn ass!
Who was it?
1359
01:06:58,498 --> 01:07:01,418
Uh, sir, I apologize
for my 5-year-old son.
1360
01:07:01,627 --> 01:07:02,878
I'm sowwy!
1361
01:07:03,003 --> 01:07:04,046
Sowwy, sir.
1362
01:07:04,171 --> 01:07:06,590
Cookie Crisp in your bum-bumzies, I'm sowwy.
1363
01:07:07,174 --> 01:07:10,510
Well, under the circumstances,
I guess it's okay.
1364
01:07:10,969 --> 01:07:13,096
Oh, my God, Now we're even
bigger assholes.
1365
01:07:13,180 --> 01:07:14,990
Go get my Cookie Crisp out of his ass.
1366
01:07:15,015 --> 01:07:16,371
You guys making trouble over here?
1367
01:07:16,391 --> 01:07:18,373
Uh, no, ma'am. We're just
minding our business.
1368
01:07:18,393 --> 01:07:21,108
Let's try to keep your boyfriend
under control here, yeah?
1369
01:07:21,271 --> 01:07:22,689
Oh, he's not my boyfriend.
1370
01:07:23,106 --> 01:07:24,306
Oh.
1371
01:07:24,524 --> 01:07:25,734
Good.
1372
01:07:26,026 --> 01:07:27,507
We'll just get the check.
Thanks.
1373
01:07:27,527 --> 01:07:28,820
Of course.
1374
01:07:31,156 --> 01:07:32,157
Oh, my God.
1375
01:07:32,240 --> 01:07:35,431
John, did you see that? She was
totally giving you the fuck-me eyes.
1376
01:07:35,452 --> 01:07:36,453
No, she wasn't.
1377
01:07:36,536 --> 01:07:38,018
She was giving you the fuck-me eyes.
1378
01:07:38,038 --> 01:07:39,277
What are the fuck-me eyes?
1379
01:07:39,414 --> 01:07:41,917
Some women just have fuck-me eyes.
1380
01:07:42,376 --> 01:07:43,627
Do I have fuck-me eyes?
1381
01:07:43,710 --> 01:07:46,129
No, you have "Give us the ring,
my precious" eyes.
1382
01:07:46,713 --> 01:07:47,714
We better get going.
1383
01:07:47,798 --> 01:07:49,863
We got two hours of driving left and
I'm kind of beat.
1384
01:07:49,883 --> 01:07:51,615
Yeah, we got to be
well rested for tomorrow.
1385
01:07:51,635 --> 01:07:53,553
I'll drive.
You can take a nap.
1386
01:07:53,720 --> 01:07:54,920
You don't have a license.
1387
01:07:54,972 --> 01:07:56,473
Who cares?
Johnny lets me drive
1388
01:07:56,556 --> 01:07:58,038
every once in a while
when he's too hammered.
1389
01:07:58,058 --> 01:07:59,258
I'm a fucking pro!
1390
01:07:59,685 --> 01:08:00,894
Besides,
1391
01:08:00,978 --> 01:08:03,480
I've been kicked around
a lot this week. I just...
1392
01:08:03,814 --> 01:08:05,649
I want to feel useful, you know?
1393
01:08:06,274 --> 01:08:07,547
Twenty minutes behind the wheel.
1394
01:08:07,567 --> 01:08:08,767
Yay!
1395
01:09:12,382 --> 01:09:13,967
Ah! Ah!
Shit, shit, shit!
1396
01:09:44,581 --> 01:09:45,832
What the fuck?
1397
01:09:45,916 --> 01:09:48,393
Well, Sam, it's been 20 minutes.
You wanna take over?
1398
01:10:01,598 --> 01:10:03,391
Hey, listen, Sam, I'm real sorry.
1399
01:10:03,475 --> 01:10:05,185
That barn just came out of nowhere.
1400
01:10:05,268 --> 01:10:07,604
No, no, it's my fault.
I... I, uh...
1401
01:10:07,687 --> 01:10:09,314
I should never have let you drive.
1402
01:10:09,397 --> 01:10:10,982
Yeah, You were wrong.
1403
01:10:11,066 --> 01:10:12,733
- You were wrong to do that.
- Yeah.
1404
01:10:12,776 --> 01:10:16,696
But that and the trial are the only
two things you fucked up, So, uh...
1405
01:10:17,531 --> 01:10:19,282
I can't see shit in there.
1406
01:10:19,366 --> 01:10:21,765
We're gonna have to wait till tomorrow
to get the car out.
1407
01:10:21,785 --> 01:10:24,371
Uh, wait, Are we gonna
spend the night here?
1408
01:10:24,538 --> 01:10:27,110
Yeah, it'll be fine, We just got to find
some firewood.
1409
01:10:38,051 --> 01:10:39,251
What the hell?
1410
01:10:45,142 --> 01:10:47,310
Holy shit! Hey, Ted!
1411
01:10:48,353 --> 01:10:51,565
You know what this is?
It's Super Lemon Haze.
1412
01:10:51,648 --> 01:10:52,774
It's a really rare strain.
1413
01:10:52,858 --> 01:10:55,382
It's a cross between Lemon Skunk and
Super Silver Haze.
1414
01:10:55,402 --> 01:10:56,444
It's totally potent.
1415
01:10:56,528 --> 01:10:57,884
I've only had it once in my life
1416
01:10:57,904 --> 01:10:59,594
and it was one of the best highs I ever had.
1417
01:10:59,614 --> 01:11:00,887
What the hell is a leaf of this stuff
1418
01:11:00,907 --> 01:11:02,384
doing out in the middle of a...
1419
01:11:31,438 --> 01:11:34,232
Dear God! Dear God in heaven!
1420
01:11:35,192 --> 01:11:36,776
So beautiful.
1421
01:11:38,028 --> 01:11:39,696
It's so beautiful.
1422
01:11:40,363 --> 01:11:41,823
No words.
1423
01:11:42,782 --> 01:11:45,035
No words.
1424
01:11:45,118 --> 01:11:47,120
They should've sent a poet.
1425
01:11:54,461 --> 01:11:56,296
They're moving in herds.
1426
01:11:57,214 --> 01:11:59,132
They do move in herds.
1427
01:12:03,261 --> 01:12:06,119
Please tell me that's not the only bong
you brought on this trip.
1428
01:12:06,139 --> 01:12:09,059
Yeah, Sam. This puts us in kind of
an awkward position, here.
1429
01:12:09,142 --> 01:12:10,619
I mean, we wanna get high, too.
1430
01:12:10,685 --> 01:12:12,125
I don't have any papers or nothing.
1431
01:12:12,145 --> 01:12:15,023
Is this hilarious? I got it at
a bachelorette party.
1432
01:12:16,399 --> 01:12:18,235
It's so stupid.
Here, try it.
1433
01:12:18,318 --> 01:12:19,402
Uh, no.
1434
01:12:19,486 --> 01:12:20,528
Why?
1435
01:12:20,612 --> 01:12:23,073
I don't wanna put
a big glass cock in my mouth.
1436
01:12:23,156 --> 01:12:24,532
Oh, you think this is big?
1437
01:12:25,825 --> 01:12:27,515
Johnny, you walked right into that one, pal.
1438
01:12:27,535 --> 01:12:28,495
This is all I brought.
1439
01:12:28,578 --> 01:12:30,477
How about this? I'm gonna go
check out the barn
1440
01:12:30,497 --> 01:12:32,562
and I'm gonna see
if I can find a soda can or something
1441
01:12:32,582 --> 01:12:33,813
for us to make an actual bong.
1442
01:12:33,833 --> 01:12:35,833
Yeah, see if you can make a non-dick bong.
1443
01:12:35,919 --> 01:12:38,634
Yeah. Hey, that's the name
of the South Korean president.
1444
01:12:38,672 --> 01:12:39,872
Right?
1445
01:12:40,006 --> 01:12:41,258
She gets... You get it.
1446
01:12:41,341 --> 01:12:42,342
Right? No.
1447
01:12:42,509 --> 01:12:43,551
What?
1448
01:12:43,718 --> 01:12:45,387
Okay, I'll be back.
1449
01:12:45,929 --> 01:12:47,222
Sorry.
1450
01:12:47,389 --> 01:12:49,891
No, This is nice.
1451
01:12:50,058 --> 01:12:51,893
You know? I always wanted my ex-wife
1452
01:12:51,977 --> 01:12:53,750
to get stoned with me. She never would.
1453
01:12:53,770 --> 01:12:54,771
Really?
1454
01:12:54,854 --> 01:12:57,774
Wow, That's the cornerstone
of any great marriage.
1455
01:12:57,941 --> 01:12:59,359
I agree.
1456
01:13:03,363 --> 01:13:05,907
So, you think this Meighan
guy is gonna help us?
1457
01:13:06,074 --> 01:13:08,910
I mean, honestly, I don't know. Um...
1458
01:13:10,287 --> 01:13:11,954
But we're going to the right place.
1459
01:13:12,956 --> 01:13:14,604
Listen, I just really want to thank you
1460
01:13:14,624 --> 01:13:16,523
for all you've clone,
all you're doing for us.
1461
01:13:16,543 --> 01:13:18,336
I know it's not making you rich.
1462
01:13:18,420 --> 01:13:19,462
Please.
1463
01:13:19,546 --> 01:13:21,927
There are more important things
in life than money.
1464
01:13:23,216 --> 01:13:24,426
Look,
1465
01:13:25,135 --> 01:13:27,345
I don't know what kind of mojo was in
1466
01:13:27,429 --> 01:13:29,202
that wish you made when you were a child,
1467
01:13:29,222 --> 01:13:31,099
but this bear is alive.
1468
01:13:32,058 --> 01:13:36,104
And it seems to me that once the law
devalues one kind of life,
1469
01:13:36,730 --> 01:13:38,898
how soon before it devalues another?
1470
01:13:39,232 --> 01:13:41,151
Who gets subjugated after the bear?
1471
01:13:42,777 --> 01:13:44,779
You're really smart, you know that?
1472
01:13:46,156 --> 01:13:47,585
How come you don't have a guy?
1473
01:13:47,741 --> 01:13:49,993
Dude, have you seen the guys in Boston?
1474
01:13:50,076 --> 01:13:52,124
I'm supposed to date some pale, blotchy guy
1475
01:13:52,162 --> 01:13:54,144
with a wife-beater under his Bruins jacket
1476
01:13:54,164 --> 01:13:56,583
and a shamrock tattoo on his calf? Nope.
1477
01:13:56,666 --> 01:13:57,709
Yeah.
1478
01:13:57,792 --> 01:13:59,085
That's so dumb.
1479
01:14:00,086 --> 01:14:01,588
I couldn't find any cans,
1480
01:14:01,671 --> 01:14:04,404
but I got to tell you,
there's some awesome shit in that barn.
1481
01:14:04,424 --> 01:14:07,567
Take a look at this, I found a cowboy hat
and a rifle and a guitar.
1482
01:14:07,677 --> 01:14:09,154
Hey, be careful with that, huh.
1483
01:14:09,220 --> 01:14:10,697
No, it's okay. It's not loaded.
1484
01:14:12,307 --> 01:14:14,476
And my fucking nose came off.
1485
01:14:15,977 --> 01:14:17,937
Jeez, I wonder who this place belongs to.
1486
01:14:18,063 --> 01:14:20,023
Maybe we should find someplace else.
1487
01:14:20,106 --> 01:14:22,108
We're in the middle of nowhere.
1488
01:14:22,192 --> 01:14:24,859
If we get out of here by
dawn, we should be fine, right?
1489
01:14:26,488 --> 01:14:27,739
You play the guitar?
1490
01:14:28,615 --> 01:14:31,117
A little bit. I learned when I was a kid.
1491
01:14:40,460 --> 01:14:43,463
Mean moon
1492
01:14:43,630 --> 01:14:45,965
It must be fun
1493
01:14:47,384 --> 01:14:52,514
To shine upon me as I come undone
1494
01:14:53,139 --> 01:14:58,978
Till I'm all alone beneath the sun
1495
01:14:59,479 --> 01:15:05,652
You mean on moon
1496
01:15:06,111 --> 01:15:11,574
With your beam you led the way
1497
01:15:12,992 --> 01:15:18,498
And found me love
I thought was here to stay
1498
01:15:18,748 --> 01:15:25,088
Then you went and took my love away
1499
01:15:25,171 --> 01:15:30,343
You mean on moon
1500
01:15:31,010 --> 01:15:37,350
Oh, you mean on stars above
1501
01:15:37,892 --> 01:15:43,982
The games thatyou play with me
1502
01:15:44,482 --> 01:15:49,446
I could find some happiness
1503
01:15:50,530 --> 01:15:56,536
If all of my nights were cloudy
1504
01:15:56,953 --> 01:15:59,747
Mean on moon
1505
01:16:00,248 --> 01:16:02,709
I hope it's true
1506
01:16:04,169 --> 01:16:09,215
You're takin' all the
light that's left in you
1507
01:16:09,883 --> 01:16:16,139
And saving it up for you know who
1508
01:16:16,222 --> 01:16:22,145
You mean on moon
1509
01:16:22,562 --> 01:16:29,235
You mean on moon
1510
01:16:47,754 --> 01:16:49,422
Yes!
1511
01:17:05,188 --> 01:17:06,388
You got it.
1512
01:17:06,606 --> 01:17:07,806
You got it!
1513
01:17:07,941 --> 01:17:09,442
Come on, put your legs into it.
1514
01:17:11,694 --> 01:17:13,488
There you go! Nice job!
1515
01:17:13,571 --> 01:17:14,572
Jesus.
1516
01:17:14,656 --> 01:17:16,074
So, listen, I got to ask.
1517
01:17:16,157 --> 01:17:19,285
Was it just kissing last night?
Or was there finger stuff?
1518
01:17:25,458 --> 01:17:27,982
Man, we got a lot of pot in this car.
I wish we could smoke it.
1519
01:17:28,002 --> 01:17:29,317
Oh, we're gonna smoke it, all right,
1520
01:17:29,337 --> 01:17:30,610
but just stuff it under the seat for now.
1521
01:17:30,630 --> 01:17:31,631
We don't wanna go to jail.
1522
01:17:31,714 --> 01:17:32,966
Yeah, that's a good idea.
1523
01:17:50,650 --> 01:17:52,298
Oh, what the fuck? What are you doing?
1524
01:17:52,318 --> 01:17:55,321
Hashtag "My amazing summer.
1525
01:17:55,613 --> 01:17:57,470
God damn it! What the hell's wrong with you?
1526
01:17:57,490 --> 01:17:58,888
Oh, I fucking owe you, you bastard.
1527
01:17:58,908 --> 01:18:00,223
What do you mean? I was just messing around.
1528
01:18:00,243 --> 01:18:02,203
Oh, shut up and suck that dick.
1529
01:18:02,287 --> 01:18:03,487
Oh, fuck you.
1530
01:18:31,232 --> 01:18:32,692
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
1531
01:18:32,734 --> 01:18:34,591
Watch it, Jesus! Watch where you're going!
1532
01:18:34,611 --> 01:18:37,530
It's a crosswalk, jackass! We have the right of way!
- Yeah.
1533
01:18:37,614 --> 01:18:38,615
Whoa!
1534
01:18:38,698 --> 01:18:41,097
Hey, what the hell you doing
walking around dressed like Star Wars?
1535
01:18:41,117 --> 01:18:44,162
It's Comic Con, you idiot!
We're going to the Javits Center.
1536
01:18:44,245 --> 01:18:45,685
You're the idiots, because you three guys
1537
01:18:45,705 --> 01:18:47,020
would never be walking together!
1538
01:18:47,040 --> 01:18:49,959
Yeah, you're his boss and
you two guys are enemies!
1539
01:18:50,043 --> 01:18:51,669
Yeah, bite me, Captain Kirk!
1540
01:18:51,753 --> 01:18:53,568
- Whoa, Whoa, Whoa.
- Hey! Come on, That's Star Trek!
1541
01:18:53,588 --> 01:18:54,944
Yeah, that's two different franchises.
1542
01:18:54,964 --> 01:18:56,571
Yeah, sorry, guys. She doesn't know.
1543
01:18:56,591 --> 01:18:59,115
Nah, it's okay, I'm sorry
you have to deal with that.
1544
01:18:59,844 --> 01:19:01,387
All right, let's go.
1545
01:19:02,639 --> 01:19:04,370
Oh, hey, come on. It's not worth it, man.
1546
01:19:04,390 --> 01:19:05,975
Come on.
1547
01:19:24,160 --> 01:19:26,788
This Patrick Meighan's
got a classy setup, huh?
1548
01:19:26,871 --> 01:19:28,071
Mmm.
1549
01:19:32,627 --> 01:19:35,254
And there is our first impression.
1550
01:19:35,755 --> 01:19:37,757
Ms. Jackson? Mr. Meighan will see you now.
1551
01:19:37,840 --> 01:19:39,425
Oh, okay, thank you.
1552
01:19:46,140 --> 01:19:48,518
Ah, Ms. Jackson, Do come in.
1553
01:19:49,102 --> 01:19:50,937
Mr. Meighan, this is such an honor.
1554
01:19:51,104 --> 01:19:52,752
Thank you so much for meeting with us.
1555
01:19:52,772 --> 01:19:55,024
Not at all, It's my
pleasure. Please, sit down.
1556
01:19:55,233 --> 01:19:57,360
Oh, this office is fucking awesome.
1557
01:19:57,443 --> 01:19:59,362
Yeah, totally. Hey, hey.
1558
01:19:59,612 --> 01:20:01,041
You ever bring chicks up here?
1559
01:20:01,781 --> 01:20:02,981
What do you think?
1560
01:20:03,199 --> 01:20:06,285
I think I want to sleep on
a bed made of your voice.
1561
01:20:07,954 --> 01:20:09,414
I'll get right down to it.
1562
01:20:09,706 --> 01:20:11,802
I don't want to waste too much of your time.
1563
01:20:13,292 --> 01:20:16,129
Ted, I've been reviewing your file.
1564
01:20:16,421 --> 01:20:18,715
And while I'm sympathetic to your cause,
1565
01:20:18,798 --> 01:20:22,009
I'm sorry to say I won't
be taking your case.
1566
01:20:22,135 --> 01:20:23,219
- What?
- Why?
1567
01:20:23,302 --> 01:20:24,303
Why not?
1568
01:20:24,429 --> 01:20:26,222
Well, it comes down to this.
1569
01:20:28,307 --> 01:20:31,102
You want to be human in the eyes of the law.
1570
01:20:31,436 --> 01:20:33,813
That's a hard sell, even for me.
1571
01:20:34,313 --> 01:20:36,733
See, the important thing about being human
1572
01:20:36,816 --> 01:20:39,193
is making a contribution to society.
1573
01:20:39,277 --> 01:20:41,654
Assisting in the betterment of your race.
1574
01:20:42,029 --> 01:20:43,823
You've done none of that.
1575
01:20:43,990 --> 01:20:45,616
I've read about your life.
1576
01:20:45,783 --> 01:20:48,953
The drugs, the parties,
the prostitutes, the arrests.
1577
01:20:49,036 --> 01:20:51,456
Mr. Meighan, we've come
a long way to meet you
1578
01:20:51,539 --> 01:20:53,444
because you said that you could help us.
1579
01:20:53,499 --> 01:20:55,418
I said I would consider it.
1580
01:20:56,002 --> 01:20:57,336
And I have.
1581
01:20:58,671 --> 01:21:01,007
Ted, you're special.
1582
01:21:01,340 --> 01:21:03,718
You could've been an
inspiration to the world.
1583
01:21:03,885 --> 01:21:06,053
Could've been a leader, a role model.
1584
01:21:07,013 --> 01:21:08,639
Instead you're
1585
01:21:09,515 --> 01:21:10,715
Justin Bieber.
1586
01:21:11,225 --> 01:21:12,226
Fuck you!
1587
01:21:12,351 --> 01:21:13,666
- Hey, Ted! Come on!
- I'm sorry.
1588
01:21:13,686 --> 01:21:15,835
- He doesn't mean that.
- Please forgive me, I'm sorry.
1589
01:21:15,855 --> 01:21:17,148
There's just no indication
1590
01:21:17,231 --> 01:21:20,151
that you've had any positive effect
on the world around you.
1591
01:21:20,318 --> 01:21:22,987
Well, that's not true, He's
had a positive effect on me.
1592
01:21:23,154 --> 01:21:26,032
Would that positive
effect be your join to arrest
1593
01:21:26,115 --> 01:21:28,451
for purchasing marijuana in 2003?
1594
01:21:28,534 --> 01:21:31,392
Well, how the fuck do you prepare for
a Foo Fighters concert?
1595
01:21:33,080 --> 01:21:35,124
You know why you lost this case?
1596
01:21:36,709 --> 01:21:38,711
It can't be argued by reason.
1597
01:21:39,086 --> 01:21:42,215
The precedent it sets would
affect the public directly.
1598
01:21:42,423 --> 01:21:45,676
And unfortunately, the
public doesn't judge by reason.
1599
01:21:45,760 --> 01:21:47,970
It judges by emotion.
1600
01:21:49,347 --> 01:21:52,183
And you can't appeal
an emotional conviction.
1601
01:21:52,600 --> 01:21:56,062
Nonetheless, I wish you
all the best in your efforts.
1602
01:21:58,397 --> 01:21:59,899
He needs help.
1603
01:22:00,399 --> 01:22:01,901
And from what I know about you,
1604
01:22:02,068 --> 01:22:04,640
at one point in your career
that would've been enough.
1605
01:22:05,321 --> 01:22:08,741
I'm sorry you're not who I hoped you'd be.
1606
01:22:17,458 --> 01:22:19,506
Are those Tootsie Rolls just, like to take?
1607
01:22:21,420 --> 01:22:23,631
Those aren't supposed to be out.
1608
01:22:34,767 --> 01:22:36,811
So that's it. I'm property.
1609
01:22:37,603 --> 01:22:39,480
No rights, no nothing.
1610
01:22:40,106 --> 01:22:43,109
Ted, dude, I'm so sorry,
man. This completely sucks.
1611
01:22:43,484 --> 01:22:44,944
I feel terrible.
1612
01:22:45,570 --> 01:22:47,446
I let you guys down all over again.
1613
01:22:47,572 --> 01:22:50,783
Hey, You didn't let us down,
Sam. You did your best.
1614
01:22:51,993 --> 01:22:53,641
And, look, regardless of all this shit,
1615
01:22:53,661 --> 01:22:56,709
you're still the best thing that's happened
to me in a long time.
1616
01:23:02,461 --> 01:23:03,462
Oh, Oh, that...
1617
01:23:03,671 --> 01:23:04,797
That's great! That's fucking great!
1618
01:23:04,881 --> 01:23:05,923
I'm glad you guys are so happy!
1619
01:23:06,007 --> 01:23:07,049
What?
1620
01:23:07,133 --> 01:23:09,156
What do you mean, What?
I'm totally screwed here.
1621
01:23:09,176 --> 01:23:11,679
And you're sitting there
basically banging my lawyer,
1622
01:23:11,762 --> 01:23:13,494
and she's probably still fucking billing us!
1623
01:23:13,514 --> 01:23:15,746
Well, don't yell at us,
dude! We didn't do anything!
1624
01:23:15,766 --> 01:23:17,059
Yeah, exactly! exactly!
1625
01:23:17,143 --> 01:23:20,293
Maybe if you guys had spent a little
less time mooning over each other,
1626
01:23:20,313 --> 01:23:23,212
Sam could've won this
thing and I wouldn't be a fucking thing!
1627
01:23:23,232 --> 01:23:25,401
Like garbage or a piece of shit!
1628
01:23:25,860 --> 01:23:28,259
Hey, we've been fighting
right alongside you the whole way.
1629
01:23:28,279 --> 01:23:29,322
And remember, you're the one
1630
01:23:29,405 --> 01:23:30,406
who's been pushing me
to get back on the horse.
1631
01:23:30,489 --> 01:23:32,471
I finally meet someone and
you're giving me shit for it?
1632
01:23:32,491 --> 01:23:34,140
Oh, no, you're right. No, Johnny, it's fine.
1633
01:23:34,160 --> 01:23:35,244
You're right, it's fine. It's totally fine.
1634
01:23:35,328 --> 01:23:37,747
I got no job, no marriage and no life!
1635
01:23:37,830 --> 01:23:40,917
But you have fun porking Gollum here,
while I'm left with shit!
1636
01:23:41,083 --> 01:23:42,283
Ted!
1637
01:23:42,335 --> 01:23:43,377
Who's Gollum?
1638
01:23:43,461 --> 01:23:45,504
She's a model. Ted, come back!
1639
01:23:45,671 --> 01:23:46,756
Leave me alone!
1640
01:23:46,881 --> 01:23:48,081
- Ted!
- Ted!
1641
01:23:52,178 --> 01:23:53,378
Shit.
1642
01:24:04,056 --> 01:24:05,256
Whoa.
1643
01:24:05,858 --> 01:24:07,058
Sorry, bro.
1644
01:24:44,230 --> 01:24:45,690
Hey, Ted!
1645
01:24:47,733 --> 01:24:48,818
Guy?
1646
01:24:48,901 --> 01:24:50,341
I thought that was you.
What's happening, man?
1647
01:24:50,361 --> 01:24:52,363
Hey, Rick! It is Ted.
1648
01:24:52,446 --> 01:24:53,646
Hey, how you doing?
1649
01:24:53,864 --> 01:24:55,846
- Hey, what's going on?
- What are you doing here?
1650
01:24:55,866 --> 01:25:00,246
I just feel at home among the outcasts.
What are you guys doing here?
1651
01:25:00,538 --> 01:25:03,124
Well, you know, Rick and I,
we just come here as a gag.
1652
01:25:03,207 --> 01:25:06,544
Dress up like we're into this shit
and fuck with the nerds.
1653
01:25:06,627 --> 01:25:07,837
Hey, spaz.
1654
01:25:07,920 --> 01:25:11,206
Uh, why don't you go get me some Big
League Chew, How about that, huh?
1655
01:25:15,011 --> 01:25:17,972
Uh-huh, All right, well,
good luck with your dick, there.
1656
01:25:18,055 --> 01:25:19,432
Right on. You, too, man.
1657
01:25:20,474 --> 01:25:22,893
God damn it, that under wear had shit on it!
1658
01:25:27,773 --> 01:25:28,973
Hey.
1659
01:25:29,442 --> 01:25:30,651
Are you Ted?
1660
01:25:30,943 --> 01:25:32,611
Uh, yeah.
1661
01:25:33,988 --> 01:25:35,364
This is so exciting!
1662
01:25:35,448 --> 01:25:37,783
I was such a big fan of
yours in the early '90s.
1663
01:25:38,034 --> 01:25:40,745
Oh, thanks a lot. What's your name?
1664
01:25:40,911 --> 01:25:42,371
I'm Raphael.
1665
01:25:42,455 --> 01:25:44,729
Hey, do you think I could
take a picture with you?
1666
01:25:44,749 --> 01:25:46,167
Uh, yeah, yeah, No problem.
1667
01:25:46,250 --> 01:25:48,044
Great, great! Here, follow me.
1668
01:25:49,837 --> 01:25:52,089
Uh, okay, why are we doing this back here?
1669
01:25:52,256 --> 01:25:53,340
Well, you're a celebrity.
1670
01:25:53,424 --> 01:25:55,656
I just don't want you to get mobbed
when people recognize you.
1671
01:25:55,676 --> 01:25:58,617
Yeah, that's true, I've been mistaken for an
Ewok three times today.
1672
01:25:58,637 --> 01:25:59,837
All right, let's do this.
1673
01:26:04,518 --> 01:26:06,395
Holy shit! Donny!
1674
01:26:06,854 --> 01:26:08,814
It's so good to see you, Ted.
1675
01:26:09,815 --> 01:26:11,292
It's been some time, hasn't it?
1676
01:26:11,484 --> 01:26:13,652
What, you mean since you ripped me in half?
1677
01:26:14,653 --> 01:26:16,363
That wasn't supposed to happen.
1678
01:26:16,530 --> 01:26:18,032
That was an accident.
1679
01:26:18,866 --> 01:26:21,118
I have some big plans for you, Ted.
1680
01:26:21,869 --> 01:26:23,329
Very big plans.
1681
01:26:23,829 --> 01:26:25,456
I need you to come with me now.
1682
01:26:25,623 --> 01:26:26,823
Go to hell!
1683
01:26:39,720 --> 01:26:41,514
Nice lunch, spaz.
1684
01:26:51,315 --> 01:26:52,733
Hey! What the hell!
1685
01:26:57,321 --> 01:26:59,136
He could be anywhere.
We're not gonna find him.
1686
01:26:59,156 --> 01:27:00,513
We should just wait by the car.
1687
01:27:00,533 --> 01:27:02,181
What do you mean?
We have to find him, okay?
1688
01:27:02,201 --> 01:27:04,916
He's a teddy bear on his own in New York,
for God's sakes.
1689
01:27:08,040 --> 01:27:09,083
Hello?
1690
01:27:09,166 --> 01:27:11,023
Johnny, Johnny, it's me.
You got to help me.
1691
01:27:11,043 --> 01:27:13,567
Ted, where are you? Dude, we've been looking
everywhere for you.
1692
01:27:13,587 --> 01:27:17,049
I'm at Comic Con, but,
John, it's Donny! He's here!
1693
01:27:17,174 --> 01:27:18,697
He's after me. You got to get over here.
1694
01:27:18,717 --> 01:27:20,366
What the fuck? Did you just say Donny?
1695
01:27:20,386 --> 01:27:21,470
John, what's going on?
1696
01:27:21,554 --> 01:27:23,097
Yes, it's him! He's...
1697
01:27:25,015 --> 01:27:26,225
Oh, shit!
1698
01:27:29,603 --> 01:27:31,230
Ted! Ted, hello?
1699
01:27:31,480 --> 01:27:33,338
What's the matter? Oh, my God, Déja vu.
1700
01:27:33,566 --> 01:27:35,281
We got to get to Comic Con, Come on!
1701
01:27:39,738 --> 01:27:41,407
Get out of the way!
1702
01:27:53,085 --> 01:27:54,587
You know,
1703
01:27:55,629 --> 01:27:57,798
I really love that Neil Diamond.
1704
01:27:58,465 --> 01:28:03,262
Especially that song they sing
at the Red Sox games.
1705
01:28:05,055 --> 01:28:06,932
It's just so infectious.
1706
01:28:07,516 --> 01:28:09,643
You just can't help but sing along.
1707
01:28:10,811 --> 01:28:15,149
Hands touching hands
1708
01:28:16,734 --> 01:28:18,694
Reaching out
1709
01:28:19,695 --> 01:28:25,159
Touching me, touching you
1710
01:28:25,534 --> 01:28:29,205
Sweet Caroline
1711
01:28:29,288 --> 01:28:30,706
Bah, bah, bah!
1712
01:28:30,789 --> 01:28:31,989
Fuck!
1713
01:28:32,499 --> 01:28:33,699
Crazy son of a bitch!
1714
01:28:37,254 --> 01:28:38,380
Hey!
1715
01:28:38,464 --> 01:28:39,988
What are you doing to that bear?
1716
01:28:40,216 --> 01:28:41,467
I'm sorry, I, uh...
1717
01:28:41,634 --> 01:28:43,444
You better be planning on buying that!
1718
01:28:43,969 --> 01:28:46,180
He just reminds me of when I was a kid.
1719
01:28:46,263 --> 01:28:47,223
Yeah, that's great.
1720
01:28:47,306 --> 01:28:48,307
$40.
1721
01:28:48,390 --> 01:28:49,642
Okay.
1722
01:28:50,809 --> 01:28:52,311
I have $40, here.
1723
01:29:02,196 --> 01:29:03,239
You see him anywhere?
1724
01:29:03,322 --> 01:29:05,074
No, Let's try in there.
1725
01:29:08,160 --> 01:29:10,935
Hi, have any of you guys seen a
talking teddy bear run through here?
1726
01:29:10,955 --> 01:29:13,062
Shh, They're about to announce
the new Superman.
1727
01:29:13,082 --> 01:29:15,668
The new Superman is...
1728
01:29:15,960 --> 01:29:17,211
Jonah Hill!
1729
01:29:17,461 --> 01:29:18,504
FUCK!
1730
01:29:18,587 --> 01:29:19,964
- Who's Superman?
- What?
1731
01:29:20,047 --> 01:29:22,333
I'm just kidding, I'm
fucking with you, Come on!
1732
01:29:22,925 --> 01:29:25,177
And if that is not big enough news,
1733
01:29:25,261 --> 01:29:28,097
Hasbro will be unveiling a brand-new line
1734
01:29:28,180 --> 01:29:31,016
of Transformers merchandise next fall.
1735
01:29:33,102 --> 01:29:34,750
We've got a brand-new line of Decepticons...
1736
01:29:34,770 --> 01:29:35,771
Hey!
1737
01:29:35,854 --> 01:29:37,253
- That is gonna be...
- Fresh cakes.
1738
01:29:37,273 --> 01:29:38,774
Fresh cakes.
1739
01:29:39,858 --> 01:29:41,193
Fresh cakes.
1740
01:29:43,487 --> 01:29:44,530
Comic Con fans,
1741
01:29:44,613 --> 01:29:46,512
let's take a look at
this thrilling sizzle reel
1742
01:29:46,532 --> 01:29:48,325
with all of our exciting new toys.
1743
01:29:48,951 --> 01:29:50,151
Take a look.
1744
01:29:56,208 --> 01:29:58,585
Come on, there's an empty
supply room downstairs.
1745
01:29:58,669 --> 01:29:59,670
Is that him?
1746
01:29:59,753 --> 01:30:01,755
Yeah, there was an issue, so he's
1747
01:30:01,839 --> 01:30:03,362
unconscious now, but yeah, this is him.
1748
01:30:03,382 --> 01:30:05,592
Jesus! Why did you bring him here?
1749
01:30:05,676 --> 01:30:07,825
I've been following him
around since yesterday.
1750
01:30:07,845 --> 01:30:11,307
This was the only chance I could
get him alone. I had to move fast.
1751
01:30:11,390 --> 01:30:12,590
Hey, Ted!
1752
01:30:14,268 --> 01:30:15,311
Is that you?
1753
01:30:15,394 --> 01:30:17,418
Uh, yeah, he had a little too much to drink.
1754
01:30:17,438 --> 01:30:20,462
He puked a pile of cotton
all over this little girl in a stroller
1755
01:30:20,482 --> 01:30:22,985
so we're gonna take him back
and sober him up.
1756
01:30:23,068 --> 01:30:24,820
Ah, rock on, Ted.
1757
01:30:24,903 --> 01:30:26,030
Eff yeah.
1758
01:30:26,113 --> 01:30:29,908
Hey, guys, be careful out there,
Some nerd spilled his lunch.
1759
01:30:30,451 --> 01:30:32,451
Hey, watch that floor. Comes up fast, man.
1760
01:30:38,917 --> 01:30:40,169
Hey, Johnny.
1761
01:30:40,252 --> 01:30:41,452
Guy?
1762
01:30:41,587 --> 01:30:43,881
Man, it's a goddamn party here today.
1763
01:30:44,214 --> 01:30:46,050
Hey, I remember you from the wedding.
1764
01:30:46,216 --> 01:30:48,093
- You get a nose job?
- No.
1765
01:30:48,427 --> 01:30:50,095
Yes, you did, you fucking liar.
1766
01:30:50,179 --> 01:30:51,785
Hey, we just ran into your buddy Ted.
1767
01:30:51,805 --> 01:30:52,848
Ted? Where is he?
1768
01:30:52,931 --> 01:30:56,360
He got a little wasted, so these two
dudes took him out back to sober up.
1769
01:30:56,435 --> 01:30:57,436
Did you see which way they went?
1770
01:30:57,561 --> 01:30:59,418
Yeah, yeah, Baok hallway,
past the photo booth.
1771
01:30:59,438 --> 01:31:00,638
Come on!
1772
01:31:01,398 --> 01:31:02,608
Thirsty, Urkel?
1773
01:31:03,942 --> 01:31:05,611
I fucking love this place.
1774
01:31:14,620 --> 01:31:17,206
What the fuck? What the fuck's
going on here?
1775
01:31:17,373 --> 01:31:18,573
Who the hell are you?
1776
01:31:18,665 --> 01:31:21,043
He really is extraordinary, isn't he?
1777
01:31:21,126 --> 01:31:23,545
You son of a bitch! This is kidnapping!
1778
01:31:23,712 --> 01:31:25,464
No, it's not.
1779
01:31:25,714 --> 01:31:30,135
Kidnapping only applies to people.
And you, Ted, you're property.
1780
01:31:30,260 --> 01:31:32,137
Yeah, so is that fucking hairpiece.
1781
01:31:35,933 --> 01:31:37,600
What do you say there, happy face'?
1782
01:31:37,643 --> 01:31:40,729
Right there, Death to Ming.
Yeah! Come on, All right.
1783
01:31:40,813 --> 01:31:42,314
Happy guy.
1784
01:31:42,481 --> 01:31:45,818
Right there, Death to Ming.
Good, yeah.
1785
01:31:47,653 --> 01:31:48,904
Hey, Bennett!
1786
01:31:50,280 --> 01:31:51,281
Oh, shit!
1787
01:31:51,365 --> 01:31:52,825
You messed up my car.
1788
01:31:52,908 --> 01:31:54,451
What the hell is wrong with you?
1789
01:31:54,535 --> 01:31:57,184
Look, Sam, this is a really bad time,
all right? Something happened to Ted.
1790
01:31:57,204 --> 01:32:00,707
But it was a good time for you to vandalize
my Chrysler though.
1791
01:32:00,791 --> 01:32:02,543
Hey, fuck your Chrysler!
1792
01:32:11,885 --> 01:32:13,095
Holy shit!
1793
01:32:13,178 --> 01:32:15,514
Look, Donny, Donny!
You don't wanna do this! Okay?
1794
01:32:15,806 --> 01:32:17,521
Think about what happened at Fenway.
1795
01:32:17,599 --> 01:32:21,103
You remember? You cut me open,
that's it! I'm gone, dead!
1796
01:32:21,687 --> 01:32:23,272
Just a regular old teddy bear.
1797
01:32:23,355 --> 01:32:25,399
I won't be any fun then, will I?
1798
01:32:25,691 --> 01:32:27,359
This isn't about you, Ted.
1799
01:32:27,901 --> 01:32:29,403
You're only one bear.
1800
01:32:29,736 --> 01:32:31,468
We're gonna figure out what makes you real,
1801
01:32:31,488 --> 01:32:33,137
and then we're gonna make millions of Teds.
1802
01:32:33,157 --> 01:32:35,117
One for every child in the world.
1803
01:32:35,659 --> 01:32:37,035
One for me.
1804
01:32:39,079 --> 01:32:41,957
One that loves me just
as much as you love John.
1805
01:32:42,207 --> 01:32:44,793
Look, Donny, I can never love you.
1806
01:32:44,960 --> 01:32:47,713
God, that sounds fucked up.
Listen, I don't wanna die.
1807
01:32:47,880 --> 01:32:49,080
Okay? So, uh...
1808
01:32:49,298 --> 01:32:51,060
What if I gave you a hand job outside
1809
01:32:51,133 --> 01:32:52,943
your pants while you ate an ice cream?
1810
01:32:56,054 --> 01:32:57,723
I'll give you a minute.
1811
01:33:04,062 --> 01:33:05,262
Come here!
1812
01:33:38,680 --> 01:33:40,307
Hey, check it out, Nerd fight.
1813
01:33:40,641 --> 01:33:41,841
Ah!
1814
01:33:53,570 --> 01:33:54,770
Come here.
1815
01:34:00,786 --> 01:34:01,986
Come on.
1816
01:34:08,585 --> 01:34:10,420
I'll see you in heaven, Ted.
1817
01:34:17,886 --> 01:34:19,555
- Ted!
- Johnny!
1818
01:34:19,721 --> 01:34:20,921
Who the hell are you?
1819
01:34:21,306 --> 01:34:23,183
Get away from him, you bastard!
1820
01:34:23,267 --> 01:34:25,415
- Ted, you okay, buddy?
- Oh, Johnny, thank God!
1821
01:34:25,435 --> 01:34:26,436
I'm out.
1822
01:34:26,520 --> 01:34:28,919
Wait, Mr. Jessup, please don't go,
Come on, we can still do this.
1823
01:34:28,939 --> 01:34:31,630
You're on your own, Danny.
I can't be implicated in any of this.
1824
01:34:31,650 --> 01:34:33,079
Wait, wait, wait. Who are you?
1825
01:34:33,151 --> 01:34:34,653
I work for Mattel.
1826
01:34:36,655 --> 01:34:37,990
You piece of shit.
1827
01:34:38,156 --> 01:34:40,728
Killing him at Fenway Park
wasn't enough for you, huh?
1828
01:34:40,951 --> 01:34:42,182
What do you wanna do now?!
1829
01:34:42,202 --> 01:34:45,747
You don't deserve him, John.
You never did, you never did!
1830
01:34:46,039 --> 01:34:48,182
I've been wanting to
do this for a long time.
1831
01:34:50,502 --> 01:34:51,702
A-ha! I fucking knew it!
1832
01:34:52,713 --> 01:34:53,964
Come on.
1833
01:35:05,642 --> 01:35:08,729
Listen, Johnny, I wanna
tell you how sorry I am.
1834
01:35:08,895 --> 01:35:10,105
No, forget it, buddy.
1835
01:35:10,188 --> 01:35:13,046
Look, Teddy, you were upset, and I shouldn't
have brushed it off, I'm so sorry.
1836
01:35:13,066 --> 01:35:14,151
No, listen to me.
1837
01:35:14,234 --> 01:35:16,486
Just listen to me. You, too, Sam.
1838
01:35:16,570 --> 01:35:18,530
I acted like an asshole.
1839
01:35:18,614 --> 01:35:22,200
All right? I was just hurting
because I knew I'd lost.
1840
01:35:22,993 --> 01:35:27,122
And that, in the eyes of the
world, I'll always be property.
1841
01:35:27,873 --> 01:35:30,292
But you know what? Who gives a shit? Right?
1842
01:35:30,375 --> 01:35:33,670
It doesn't matter what
the world calls me, I know who I am.
1843
01:35:34,046 --> 01:35:35,570
And that's all that's important.
1844
01:35:36,256 --> 01:35:38,008
And I know who my friends are.
1845
01:35:38,425 --> 01:35:39,718
And honest to God,
1846
01:35:39,801 --> 01:35:43,305
if you two want to be together,
nothing would make me happier.
1847
01:35:43,680 --> 01:35:45,157
Aw, buddy, I love you for that.
1848
01:35:45,223 --> 01:35:47,100
Thanks, Ted. That means a lot.
1849
01:35:49,269 --> 01:35:52,564
And for what it's worth,
as far as I'm concerned,
1850
01:35:53,190 --> 01:35:54,399
you're a person.
1851
01:35:54,858 --> 01:35:57,152
As much as anybody I've ever known.
1852
01:35:57,235 --> 01:36:02,074
Sam, that means the world coming
from someone who went to Arizona State.
1853
01:36:18,423 --> 01:36:19,623
Ted!
1854
01:36:28,600 --> 01:36:29,893
Holy shit! Johnny!
1855
01:36:30,018 --> 01:36:31,853
- Oh, my God, John!
- Johnny!
1856
01:36:31,937 --> 01:36:33,146
John!
Oh, Jesus!
1857
01:36:33,230 --> 01:36:34,753
- Are you okay?
- Johnny, you all right?
1858
01:36:34,773 --> 01:36:35,774
Shit.
1859
01:36:35,857 --> 01:36:37,192
- John, hey.
- Oh, my God.
1860
01:36:37,275 --> 01:36:38,527
Jesus, what happened here?
1861
01:36:38,610 --> 01:36:39,991
The rocket ship just hit him!
1862
01:36:40,112 --> 01:36:42,427
Jesus Christ, that's
the Starship Enterprise... Forget it.
1863
01:36:42,447 --> 01:36:43,865
Somebody call 911!
1864
01:36:43,949 --> 01:36:45,902
Johnny? John, come on, stay with me, pal.
1865
01:36:45,951 --> 01:36:48,203
We need an ambulance at 655 West 34th.
1866
01:36:48,286 --> 01:36:49,538
How the hell did it fall?
1867
01:36:49,621 --> 01:36:50,821
I don't know!
1868
01:36:53,667 --> 01:36:54,710
It was him!
1869
01:36:54,793 --> 01:36:57,169
The guy dressed like the Ninja Turtle!
1870
01:37:01,591 --> 01:37:02,634
Which one?
1871
01:37:02,801 --> 01:37:06,430
All right, two can play this Where's
Waldo shit, you son of a bitch!
1872
01:37:06,513 --> 01:37:07,764
Sam, give me your phone.
1873
01:37:27,993 --> 01:37:29,193
That's him.
1874
01:37:32,956 --> 01:37:34,156
Get off me!
1875
01:37:34,624 --> 01:37:35,876
Get off me!
1876
01:37:38,295 --> 01:37:39,504
Johnny?
1877
01:37:39,963 --> 01:37:41,163
Johnny, come on.
1878
01:37:41,798 --> 01:37:43,425
Johnny, you got to wake up, pal.
1879
01:37:44,009 --> 01:37:45,209
Johnny, wake up!
1880
01:37:45,802 --> 01:37:47,220
Wake up, Johnny.
1881
01:37:48,138 --> 01:37:49,556
Johnny.
1882
01:37:49,639 --> 01:37:51,016
Johnny, wake up!
1883
01:37:52,392 --> 01:37:54,227
Johnny, wake up.
1884
01:38:39,731 --> 01:38:42,567
Hi, How is he? Is he gonna come out of it?
1885
01:38:42,901 --> 01:38:45,779
I don't know, Ms. Jackson.
We've done everything we can
1886
01:38:45,987 --> 01:38:47,989
and it's all up to him now.
1887
01:38:58,083 --> 01:38:59,283
John,
1888
01:39:00,085 --> 01:39:01,753
please wake up.
1889
01:39:10,387 --> 01:39:11,388
Somebody help!
1890
01:39:11,471 --> 01:39:13,091
- Oh, my God, John!
- John? Johnny?
1891
01:39:13,181 --> 01:39:15,100
Hello? There's something happening.
1892
01:39:15,308 --> 01:39:16,508
Mr. Bennett?
1893
01:39:16,810 --> 01:39:18,792
Something's wrong, What's going on?
What's happening to him?
1894
01:39:18,812 --> 01:39:20,272
Mr. Bennett? John?
1895
01:39:21,106 --> 01:39:23,505
We have a Code Blue in Room 134!
What does that mean?
1896
01:39:23,525 --> 01:39:24,923
I'm sorry, You three are
gonna have to wait outside.
1897
01:39:24,943 --> 01:39:26,258
What the hell is going
on? Is he gonna be okay?
1898
01:39:26,278 --> 01:39:27,320
The doctors will do everything they can,
1899
01:39:27,404 --> 01:39:29,553
but I need you to go to the
waiting area now, please.
1900
01:39:29,573 --> 01:39:30,773
Excuse me, excuse me.
1901
01:39:30,824 --> 01:39:31,867
What's the status?
1902
01:39:31,950 --> 01:39:33,598
He was stable a minute ago
and now he's unresponsive.
1903
01:39:33,618 --> 01:39:35,851
The monitor says he's in asystole,
He's not breathing, no pulse.
1904
01:39:35,871 --> 01:39:37,561
Start compressions. Prepare to intubate.
1905
01:39:37,581 --> 01:39:39,296
Give him a milligram of epinephrine.
1906
01:40:09,029 --> 01:40:10,655
I'm sorry.
1907
01:40:12,115 --> 01:40:13,315
He didn't make it.
1908
01:40:16,953 --> 01:40:18,153
What?
1909
01:40:19,497 --> 01:40:20,707
Johnny.
1910
01:40:21,458 --> 01:40:23,627
If you'd like, you can go in
1911
01:40:23,710 --> 01:40:25,378
and say your goodbyes.
1912
01:41:05,210 --> 01:41:06,503
Johnny.
1913
01:41:08,713 --> 01:41:10,632
You were my thunder buddy.
1914
01:41:13,051 --> 01:41:15,470
You were my thunder buddy for life.
1915
01:41:17,806 --> 01:41:21,559
And you gave up your own life to save mine.
1916
01:41:24,854 --> 01:41:26,606
The only problem is
1917
01:41:28,900 --> 01:41:32,153
I don't know how my life works without you.
1918
01:41:36,449 --> 01:41:37,909
Goodbye, John.
1919
01:41:41,121 --> 01:41:43,039
I got you, motherfucker!
1920
01:41:44,290 --> 01:41:46,835
Holy shit! Zombie! He's a fucking zombie!
1921
01:41:47,585 --> 01:41:49,254
I totally fucking got you!
1922
01:41:50,088 --> 01:41:51,214
Holy shit!
1923
01:41:51,297 --> 01:41:53,155
You should have seen your fucking face!
1924
01:41:53,383 --> 01:41:54,634
You son of a bitch!
1925
01:41:54,718 --> 01:41:56,219
That was fucking classic!
1926
01:41:56,302 --> 01:41:59,285
Wait, wait, wait, this is payback because
I made you think that I was retarded!
1927
01:41:59,305 --> 01:42:00,745
You made me think you were retarded!
1928
01:42:00,765 --> 01:42:01,808
Oh! Well done!
1929
01:42:01,933 --> 01:42:03,685
Well done, man, High five.
1930
01:42:03,768 --> 01:42:04,811
High five.
1931
01:42:04,936 --> 01:42:06,938
What the fuck is going on?!
1932
01:42:07,022 --> 01:42:11,192
What's going on, is this guy
just won the bullshit comedy blue ribbon.
1933
01:42:11,276 --> 01:42:13,820
You are the fucking greatest man Holy shit!
1934
01:42:14,279 --> 01:42:16,031
Wait, How was the doctor in on it?
1935
01:42:16,114 --> 01:42:18,263
They got me out of it with
the paddles. I was totally fine.
1936
01:42:18,283 --> 01:42:19,723
So I talked him into
going along with the bit.
1937
01:42:19,743 --> 01:42:21,743
Hey, Doc, it worked out hilarious, thanks.
1938
01:42:21,953 --> 01:42:23,955
No problem. We're a fun hospital.
1939
01:42:24,247 --> 01:42:27,417
You asshole! You think this shit is funny?
1940
01:42:27,667 --> 01:42:29,232
Do you know how devastated I was?
1941
01:42:29,252 --> 01:42:30,920
I put a frowny face on Facebook!
1942
01:42:31,004 --> 01:42:33,423
How am I supposed to
explain that to everybody?
1943
01:42:33,715 --> 01:42:35,822
You could change your
relationship status from "single"
1944
01:42:35,842 --> 01:42:38,011
to "it's complicated.
1945
01:42:38,470 --> 01:42:40,709
You're gonna have to
do a lot better than that.
1946
01:42:41,514 --> 01:42:45,226
How about, in a relationship
with John Bennett?
1947
01:42:46,019 --> 01:42:49,647
Well, we'll have to talk about that.
1948
01:42:54,527 --> 01:42:56,154
Okay, well, good talk.
1949
01:43:01,659 --> 01:43:03,058
Hey, if you guys want to bang,
1950
01:43:03,078 --> 01:43:04,517
me and Teddy can totally leave the room.
1951
01:43:04,537 --> 01:43:06,853
No, no, honey, honey, they're
classy, they're not like us.
1952
01:43:06,873 --> 01:43:08,541
They're good people.
1953
01:43:08,750 --> 01:43:11,795
I'm happy to see everyone
has made a full recovery.
1954
01:43:11,920 --> 01:43:13,004
- Mr. Meighan.
- What the hell?
1955
01:43:13,088 --> 01:43:14,214
Holy shit!
1956
01:43:14,297 --> 01:43:15,678
Is it all right if I come in?
1957
01:43:16,132 --> 01:43:17,550
Sure, yeah.
1958
01:43:18,510 --> 01:43:19,886
How are you feeling, John?
1959
01:43:20,303 --> 01:43:21,638
I'm alive.
1960
01:43:22,180 --> 01:43:23,640
You're very lucky.
1961
01:43:23,807 --> 01:43:25,725
I saw what you did on TV.
1962
01:43:25,892 --> 01:43:28,019
Yeah, he saved my ass is what he did.
1963
01:43:28,186 --> 01:43:30,980
You know why? Because he's a person.
1964
01:43:31,356 --> 01:43:32,440
And no matter how many
1965
01:43:32,524 --> 01:43:34,089
of you smart-ass Harvard
lawyers try to keep him down,
1966
01:43:34,109 --> 01:43:35,381
you're not gonna change that.
1967
01:43:35,401 --> 01:43:36,820
Not in our eyes.
1968
01:43:37,028 --> 01:43:38,228
Ted is real.
1969
01:43:38,488 --> 01:43:40,031
So you can go fuck yourself.
1970
01:43:40,949 --> 01:43:42,242
I will.
1971
01:43:42,867 --> 01:43:45,411
And as soon as I'm done fucking myself,
1972
01:43:45,787 --> 01:43:47,789
I'd like to take your case, Ted.
1973
01:43:48,039 --> 01:43:49,082
- What?
- Seriously?
1974
01:43:49,165 --> 01:43:50,792
- Oh, my God!
- You heard that?
1975
01:43:50,875 --> 01:43:52,752
- Oh, my gosh!
- I don't believe it!
1976
01:43:54,045 --> 01:43:55,735
- Maybe we don't want you now.
- Shut up.
1977
01:43:55,755 --> 01:43:57,779
No, yeah, we want you.
For sure, we want you.
1978
01:43:57,799 --> 01:43:59,676
What made you change your mind?
1979
01:43:59,843 --> 01:44:01,970
Well, when I saw what John did for you,
1980
01:44:02,804 --> 01:44:05,557
that he was willing to
give his life for yours,
1981
01:44:05,974 --> 01:44:07,976
it gave me a kick in the ass.
1982
01:44:08,059 --> 01:44:11,271
Reminded me of why I chose
to do the kind of work I do.
1983
01:44:12,480 --> 01:44:14,691
I'm sorry I turned you away.
1984
01:44:14,774 --> 01:44:16,151
I was wrong.
1985
01:44:16,901 --> 01:44:18,444
As far as I'm concerned,
1986
01:44:18,695 --> 01:44:22,866
anyone who can inspire that
kind of love in another person
1987
01:44:22,949 --> 01:44:24,826
deserves to be called human.
1988
01:44:25,994 --> 01:44:27,078
You mean it?
1989
01:44:27,162 --> 01:44:28,746
I certainly do.
1990
01:44:29,622 --> 01:44:30,822
So,
1991
01:44:30,915 --> 01:44:32,542
shall we get started?
1992
01:44:42,844 --> 01:44:44,512
What defines a person?
1993
01:44:46,931 --> 01:44:48,641
What defines property?
1994
01:44:49,809 --> 01:44:51,436
What's the difference?
1995
01:44:53,146 --> 01:44:57,442
The anthropologist and
ethioist Dawn Prince-Hughes
1996
01:44:57,817 --> 01:45:02,947
argues that the standards for
personhood include self-awareness,
1997
01:45:03,615 --> 01:45:06,784
an ability to understand complex emotions
1998
01:45:07,118 --> 01:45:09,662
and a capacity for empathy.
1999
01:45:11,497 --> 01:45:16,461
We're all in agreement
that Ted is self-aware.
2000
01:45:18,880 --> 01:45:20,080
What is your name?
2001
01:45:20,632 --> 01:45:22,175
Ted Clubber Lang.
2002
01:45:26,888 --> 01:45:30,350
As for complex emotions
and the capacity for empathy,
2003
01:45:31,100 --> 01:45:33,353
we all saw the distressing images
2004
01:45:33,436 --> 01:45:35,897
of Ted agonizing over his fallen friend,
2005
01:45:36,397 --> 01:45:37,597
John Bennett.
2006
01:45:37,941 --> 01:45:39,609
In those images,
2007
01:45:39,734 --> 01:45:44,781
Ted exhibits all of the
remaining qualities of personhood.
2008
01:45:46,908 --> 01:45:49,285
It's right there for anyone to see.
2009
01:45:50,495 --> 01:45:54,874
And I believe that a just
court must, by definition,
2010
01:45:55,708 --> 01:45:59,545
grant basic human rights to
all those who deserve them,
2011
01:46:00,838 --> 01:46:03,549
just as the Emancipation Proclamation
2012
01:46:03,800 --> 01:46:07,345
and the Thirteenth Amendment
did so many years ago.
2013
01:46:09,931 --> 01:46:12,558
So, ladies and gentlemen of the court,
2014
01:46:14,727 --> 01:46:16,646
I invite you
2015
01:46:18,022 --> 01:46:20,233
to change the world.
2016
01:46:39,836 --> 01:46:42,964
Well, Johnny, this is the
second time you've made me real.
2017
01:46:43,715 --> 01:46:44,841
Thanks, pal.
2018
01:46:44,924 --> 01:46:46,801
Hey, you were always real to me, buddy.
2019
01:46:46,968 --> 01:46:48,168
Even when you weren't.
2020
01:46:48,303 --> 01:46:49,554
Congratulations, Ted.
2021
01:46:49,929 --> 01:46:51,222
Thanks, Sam.
2022
01:46:53,182 --> 01:46:54,382
Ted!
2023
01:46:54,559 --> 01:46:56,436
- Ted!
- Ted! Over here!
2024
01:46:56,519 --> 01:46:57,729
Ted!
2025
01:46:59,105 --> 01:47:00,898
This is quite a victory for you.
2026
01:47:00,982 --> 01:47:03,131
Is there any statement
that you'd like to make
2027
01:47:03,151 --> 01:47:04,723
now that you're legally a person?
2028
01:47:05,111 --> 01:47:06,529
Yes, there is.
2029
01:47:08,948 --> 01:47:10,450
Tami-Lynn McCafferty,
2030
01:47:10,825 --> 01:47:12,493
will you marry me?
2031
01:47:14,078 --> 01:47:15,278
Yes.
2032
01:47:20,960 --> 01:47:23,755
And so our story comes to an end.
2033
01:47:24,088 --> 01:47:27,050
Ted and Tami-Lynn were married once again,
2034
01:47:27,133 --> 01:47:31,846
and soon afterward, they
adopted a fine, young baby boy.
2035
01:47:32,096 --> 01:47:34,265
Johnny, meet your new godson,
2036
01:47:34,432 --> 01:47:36,184
Apollo Creed Clubber Lang.
2037
01:47:36,267 --> 01:47:38,353
Oh, Teddy, he's adorable.
2038
01:47:38,519 --> 01:47:41,189
Oh! And we got something
for him, too. John, show him.
2039
01:47:41,272 --> 01:47:42,690
Oh, shit, yeah, Hold on.
2040
01:47:42,774 --> 01:47:44,233
He got you something.
2041
01:47:45,818 --> 01:47:46,861
Huh?
2042
01:47:46,944 --> 01:47:48,363
Oh, Johnny!
2043
01:47:48,529 --> 01:47:50,406
Oh, Johnny, it's perfect.
2044
01:47:50,573 --> 01:47:53,409
Hey, you know, maybe someday,
if you wish hard enough,
2045
01:47:53,576 --> 01:47:54,911
maybe he'll come to life
2046
01:47:55,078 --> 01:47:57,364
and you guys can do all
kinds of drugs together.
2047
01:47:57,497 --> 01:47:59,207
That's all I want for him.
2048
01:47:59,290 --> 01:48:03,211
Oh! It smells like somebody's
got a poopy diaper.
2049
01:48:03,378 --> 01:48:04,859
Teddy, it's your turn to change him.
2050
01:48:04,879 --> 01:48:06,214
Oh, yeah, no problem.
2051
01:48:07,006 --> 01:48:09,467
- Oh! Fuck me!
- What's the matter?
2052
01:48:09,550 --> 01:48:11,407
That can't be normal. He's got to be sick.
2053
01:48:11,427 --> 01:48:13,346
He's not sick, it's just baby doody.
2054
01:48:13,429 --> 01:48:14,786
Yeah, that's what babies do, Teddy.
2055
01:48:14,806 --> 01:48:16,788
- Oh, you don't think this diaper's gross?
- No.
2056
01:48:16,808 --> 01:48:18,226
All right, Here, catch.
2057
01:48:18,309 --> 01:48:20,728
Oh, Teddy, What the fuck?
2058
01:48:20,853 --> 01:48:23,815
Holy shit! Oh, you motherfucker!
2059
01:48:23,981 --> 01:48:26,734
Hashtag Shit happens.
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