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- Good evening, ladies
and gentleman and welcome
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to another edition of oral cinema.
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00:00:30,344 --> 00:00:33,677
A popular series of movies for the ears.
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00:00:34,726 --> 00:00:37,007
Well, we'll be going on
air live in just a couple
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of minutes, so please,
may we first of all test
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the applause level?
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00:00:45,167 --> 00:00:46,000
Thank you.
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00:00:47,167 --> 00:00:48,447
Excellent, thank you very much.
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00:00:48,447 --> 00:00:50,667
Well, tonight's cinema for sound features,
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00:00:50,667 --> 00:00:52,667
What about Dick?
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00:00:52,667 --> 00:00:55,167
An emotion picture for
radio which tells the story
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00:00:55,167 --> 00:00:58,227
of the decline and fall
of the British Empire as
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seen through the eyes of a piano.
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00:01:02,327 --> 00:01:05,667
So, will you welcome please,
tonight's fantastic cast.
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♫ Oh the Orpheum Theatre
theater in downtown LA
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♫ Tonight we invite you to picture a play
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♫ A radio screenplay
approved for your ears
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00:01:30,147 --> 00:01:33,487
♫ Oral movies, pluck up my ears
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♫ Yes, it's time once again
for the cinema of sound
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♫ To transport you across the radio waves
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♫ To bring you, What about Dick
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♫ It's oral cinema ♫
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Once upon a time there
were two sisters who lived
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with their Aunt Maggie in
a rambling old Edwardian
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Novel in Kensington.
26
00:02:01,825 --> 00:02:04,441
Emma, the older, was an
emotionally repressed English
27
00:02:04,441 --> 00:02:07,141
girl, who spent all day
staring out of the window,
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00:02:07,141 --> 00:02:09,861
dreaming of a submissive
role in a sick relationship
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00:02:09,861 --> 00:02:12,881
with an older sadomasochistic Englishmen.
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00:02:13,841 --> 00:02:16,141
Helena, her younger
sister, was a dark-haired
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00:02:16,141 --> 00:02:19,341
foxy minx, who stole
umbrellas to repress her
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sexual urges.
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00:02:22,621 --> 00:02:24,561
- What's a minx, is it an Egyptian thing?
34
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- No dear, that's a sphinx.
35
00:02:26,201 --> 00:02:28,581
- Oh, I thought that was
the backside of something.
36
00:02:28,581 --> 00:02:30,241
- No dear, that's the sphincter.
37
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- Ah!
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- Anyways, these two
sisters lived together
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00:02:33,341 --> 00:02:36,081
in a two-story Novel
with their Aunt Maggie,
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00:02:36,081 --> 00:02:38,801
an amateur dipsomaniac
who spent the afternoons
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00:02:38,801 --> 00:02:41,721
in Hampstead under a
young Austrian doctor.
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- His name is Freud, Roger Freud.
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He's licensed in Massage and colonics.
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- And who exactly are you?
45
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- I am the narrator of this tale.
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Everyone in the story
has touched me and played
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with me and run their
fingers over me until I
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rang with joy.
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For you see, I, am a piano.
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00:03:05,681 --> 00:03:07,621
- A piano narrating a story?
51
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- Yes!
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- Furniture doesn't narrate stories.
53
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- I'm not furniture, I'm an instrument.
54
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- Well, that's stupid.
55
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Are we to have Macbeth
narrated by the bagpipes?
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00:03:15,741 --> 00:03:18,281
- Or Les Misérables by the french horn?
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- Look, it's my fucking
play and I'll play a
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piano if I want to.
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00:03:22,921 --> 00:03:26,004
Anyway, this is the story of a piano.
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- Heavens, is that the time,
the 3rd of August, 1910?
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- Evening Star and
Standard, read all about it!
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Another English human found
half-eaten in Houndsditch.
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- Oh dear, not the reaper again.
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00:03:41,617 --> 00:03:43,937
- No, this one's the
mutilator, apparently he eats
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his victim.
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00:03:45,037 --> 00:03:46,837
- Ew, how disgusting!
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Just then, the Reverend
Whoopsie walked into the door.
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- Ouch!
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- Walked into the doorway.
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- Oh sorry!
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Hello ladies, do I intrude?
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- Not from this angle, Mr. Whoopsie.
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00:04:08,944 --> 00:04:13,523
- The Reverend Whoopsie
is a, well he's a--
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00:04:13,523 --> 00:04:16,363
- He's a single clergyman
who's kindly disposed
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toward men.
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00:04:18,183 --> 00:04:20,963
- Especially working men,
who I adore above all and
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put on a pedestal and
offer five shillings to.
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00:04:26,143 --> 00:04:28,843
- Your Christianity does
you credit, Whoopsie.
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00:04:28,843 --> 00:04:31,183
- Let us not forget
our Lord himself had 12
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little male friends, all
sailors and nobody said a word.
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Have you seen, Dick?
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- Not for ages, Mr. Whoopsie.
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Not since the coming out ball
turned unexpectedly fruity--
84
00:04:47,343 --> 00:04:49,503
- No, I think he means your Nephew, dear.
85
00:04:49,503 --> 00:04:53,723
- Oh, dear, yes. Oh, he's
coming down today from Oxford.
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00:04:53,723 --> 00:04:58,023
- I wondered if he'd like
to come camping with me.
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I'd love a weekend of Dick.
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00:05:01,243 --> 00:05:06,043
- I've always found 20
minutes quite sufficient.
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00:05:08,303 --> 00:05:10,783
Helena, why don't you play something for
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Mr. Whoopsie on your harp?
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00:05:12,463 --> 00:05:15,063
- I hate the harp, I'm sick of plucking.
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00:05:15,063 --> 00:05:17,183
- Well you should try a
mouth organ like Dick,
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so you can suck and blow--
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00:05:18,703 --> 00:05:21,103
- Yes, yes, yes, yes, thank you, Emma.
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00:05:21,103 --> 00:05:23,343
Why don't you sing us
one of your Victorian
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00:05:23,343 --> 00:05:24,423
ballads?
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- Righto.
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♫ Blow me
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♫ A kiss in the moonlight
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♫ Blow me
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♫ A kiss in the dawn
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♫ Blow me down, I never knew I would dare
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♫ Now must I swallow
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♫ My pride while I'm there
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♫ Heavens, he's coming
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00:06:02,338 --> 00:06:04,878
♫ Inside now
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00:06:06,238 --> 00:06:10,978
♫ He's coming to make me his own
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00:06:10,978 --> 00:06:14,688
♫ In these cold marble halls
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♫ Where the men hold their balls
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♫ Why must I always be all alone ♫
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- Lovely dear, just lovely.
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- At that moment they spotted Dick.
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A young man with floppy
hair, bee-stung lips and
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a strangely ambivalent sexuality.
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One of those impossibly
pretty English boys
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with ravish me bedroom
eyes and bathroom legs
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and drawing room thighs--
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- Yes, thank you piano
but I think we get it.
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Dick!
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- Hello everybody!
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Hello Whoopsie!
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Hello Emma, old sausage!
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- Hello, Dick!
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- What are you reading at Oxford, Dick?
125
00:06:59,582 --> 00:07:01,982
- Beauty on the Mountain.
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00:07:01,982 --> 00:07:04,682
- That's Mutiny on the Bounty.
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00:07:05,515 --> 00:07:06,348
- Sorry.
128
00:07:06,348 --> 00:07:08,420
How's the umbrella thing, Helena?
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- Oh, Dick...
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- Why does she take umbrellas?
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- Well, it's just female hysteria, dear.
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00:07:17,158 --> 00:07:19,678
She needs a little rogering in Hampstead.
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Ew, he has a new machine
called the Happy Trappy,
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which relieves all my female tension.
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00:07:26,596 --> 00:07:27,429
- How does it work?
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- Well, I lie down, he attaches it to me--
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- Where?
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- Well, in Hampstead.
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- I say, Dick.
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Do you fancy a weekend in Norfolk?
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00:07:37,836 --> 00:07:39,316
- Golly, it sounds a bit dull.
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00:07:39,316 --> 00:07:42,356
- Well, yes it is a bit dull,
but we can play Tiddlywinks.
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00:07:42,356 --> 00:07:44,216
- Oh yes, that's sounds spiffing.
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- Splendid!
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If you'll excuse me.
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- Mind the umbrellas.
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- Ouch!
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- Good heavens, look it's
Mr. Hudson coming here
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to this very house to meet
me for the very first time
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and perhaps fall hopelessly
in love with me which
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he will not be able to
express because he is
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English and cannot
mention emotions and has
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a beastly wife who cannot
satisfy his perfectly
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normal manly urges which
would very easily be
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satisfied with some
cold cream, a hand towel
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00:08:11,374 --> 00:08:13,194
and a copy of the
Guinness Book of Records.
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Thank you, Aunt Maggie.
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- I hope I don't disturb you ladies.
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00:08:19,874 --> 00:08:22,914
- Hey you, visitor, I'm not a lady.
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00:08:22,914 --> 00:08:25,786
- Oh, forgive me, it is your hairstyle.
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My name is Hudson, I am in rubber.
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- Oh really, are you wearing it?
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- No, no, not wearing
it, it is my business.
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00:08:33,192 --> 00:08:35,892
- Well, of course it's your
business what you wear.
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- No, no, no, it's my
business, my business.
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- Mr. Hudson is the owner of
the Hudson Rubber Company.
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- Oh, the manufacturer
of the Happy Trappy.
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Well, I find it most
satisfactory, although
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occasionally I do miss
the disappointment of a
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real man.
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00:08:54,212 --> 00:08:56,732
- Mr. Hudson discovered
those gadgets in India.
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He saw the future of
rubber and embraced it.
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- How precisely this woman understands me.
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00:09:01,272 --> 00:09:03,432
And how perfectly lovely
she is with her warm eyes,
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00:09:03,432 --> 00:09:06,412
her rosy lips and her firm,
welcoming curtly, bouncy--
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00:09:06,412 --> 00:09:08,012
- I can hear you, Mr. Hudson.
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00:09:08,012 --> 00:09:10,352
- Very sorry, Miss Schlegel.
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00:09:10,352 --> 00:09:12,492
- Have you seen Dick, Mr. Hudson?
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00:09:12,492 --> 00:09:14,412
- Yes, quite a lot in India.
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00:09:16,172 --> 00:09:19,152
- No, no, this is Dick, he's at Oxford.
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00:09:19,152 --> 00:09:20,732
- Oh, well what is he reading?
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00:09:20,732 --> 00:09:22,815
- The Three Musty Queers.
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00:09:23,998 --> 00:09:25,890
- The Three Musketeers.
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- Sorry, yes, no.
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00:09:28,062 --> 00:09:30,042
- I read French Philosophy,
trouble was it was
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all in French, didn't get
a word of it.
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00:09:33,242 --> 00:09:36,482
- Mr. Hudson, you're such a card
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- Yes, yes, well, well
we mustn't spend all day
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00:09:59,145 --> 00:10:00,062
doing that.
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00:10:01,764 --> 00:10:03,232
This isn't America.
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00:10:06,892 --> 00:10:09,312
- How very witty Mr. Hudson is and he has
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00:10:09,312 --> 00:10:11,772
such lovely eyes and such
manly thighs and such
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00:10:11,772 --> 00:10:13,012
eloquent hips and--
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00:10:13,012 --> 00:10:14,732
- I can hear you, Miss Schlegel.
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00:10:14,732 --> 00:10:16,352
- Oh, I'm sorry.
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00:10:16,352 --> 00:10:18,272
- Well, I must be off,
I need to lubricate a
197
00:10:18,272 --> 00:10:21,872
new oiler for my jigger, I
have no idea how that sounded.
198
00:10:22,972 --> 00:10:24,972
- It sounds so romantic.
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00:10:26,692 --> 00:10:29,572
♫ Dick, Dick, what about Dick
200
00:10:29,572 --> 00:10:31,872
♫ Is there some dreadful mystery
201
00:10:31,872 --> 00:10:33,872
♫ Hidden in his history
202
00:10:33,872 --> 00:10:37,572
♫ Dick, Dick his light is short of gas
203
00:10:37,572 --> 00:10:41,452
♫ I don't think he is playing
from a full deck of cards
204
00:10:41,452 --> 00:10:43,412
♫ Everybody likes Dick
205
00:10:43,412 --> 00:10:45,232
♫ Everybody wants Dick
206
00:10:45,232 --> 00:10:48,892
♫ Though he seems to be a
sandwich short of a full picnic
207
00:10:48,892 --> 00:10:52,252
♫ Dick, Dick's a cappuccino with no foam
208
00:10:52,252 --> 00:10:56,812
♫ The lights are on but is
there really anybody home ♫
209
00:11:00,732 --> 00:11:02,812
- Those boys in the pub
seemed to take a real
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00:11:02,812 --> 00:11:04,592
shine to you, Dick.
211
00:11:04,592 --> 00:11:05,425
- Mm.
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00:11:05,425 --> 00:11:07,752
- Dick, has anyone ever told you about the
213
00:11:07,752 --> 00:11:09,567
birds and the bees?
214
00:11:09,567 --> 00:11:11,467
- I'm 26.
215
00:11:11,467 --> 00:11:14,917
- Oh, but did
anybody ever tell you
216
00:11:14,917 --> 00:11:19,363
about the birds and the birds?
217
00:11:20,943 --> 00:11:22,503
- No!
218
00:11:22,503 --> 00:11:25,863
- Well, Dick, remember
when we were very young in
219
00:11:25,863 --> 00:11:30,303
the nursery with nanny,
being violently incontinent
220
00:11:30,303 --> 00:11:34,343
and we were like Peter
Pan, we never wanted to
221
00:11:34,343 --> 00:11:35,543
grow up?
222
00:11:35,543 --> 00:11:36,403
- Yes.
223
00:11:36,403 --> 00:11:38,363
- Well, when Peter comes
fluttering in through
224
00:11:38,363 --> 00:11:40,883
the bedroom window, he
wants Wendy, but not
225
00:11:40,883 --> 00:11:42,583
for a wife.
226
00:11:42,583 --> 00:11:45,343
- He's looking for a
Mommy for the lost boys.
227
00:11:45,343 --> 00:11:48,123
- You are one of the lost boys, Dick.
228
00:11:48,123 --> 00:11:50,103
- Mm, because I have no mommy.
229
00:11:50,103 --> 00:11:52,043
- Because you are different, Dick.
230
00:11:52,043 --> 00:11:55,308
Lost boys are not so
much as lost as hiding.
231
00:11:55,308 --> 00:11:56,983
- From whom?
232
00:11:56,983 --> 00:12:00,756
- From the cruel world,
Dick, which frowns on
233
00:12:00,756 --> 00:12:04,873
boys trying on Tigerlilie's
flimsy dresses or
234
00:12:04,873 --> 00:12:08,167
borrowing makeup from
Tinkerbell, or going out
235
00:12:08,167 --> 00:12:10,834
hunting for rough, male pirates.
236
00:12:11,927 --> 00:12:14,347
Let me put it another
way, when Oscar Wilde
237
00:12:14,347 --> 00:12:17,887
talks of a love that
dare not speak its name--
238
00:12:17,887 --> 00:12:19,267
- What's that?
239
00:12:19,267 --> 00:12:20,907
- Well, it's male love.
240
00:12:20,907 --> 00:12:24,657
- No, no, not that,
that, there on the beach.
241
00:12:25,847 --> 00:12:28,514
- Oh good heavens, it's a piano.
242
00:12:29,927 --> 00:12:31,927
What's it doing on the beach.
243
00:12:31,927 --> 00:12:33,667
- Sounds like Rat Maninoff.
244
00:12:35,387 --> 00:12:38,047
- I'm going to give this
piano to the working
245
00:12:38,047 --> 00:12:39,407
classes.
246
00:12:39,407 --> 00:12:40,387
- Why?
247
00:12:40,387 --> 00:12:42,447
- Because they need some new instruments.
248
00:12:42,447 --> 00:12:43,627
- But I saw it first.
249
00:12:43,627 --> 00:12:46,327
- Then we shall call it
the Dick piano for the
250
00:12:46,327 --> 00:12:47,847
working classes.
251
00:12:50,907 --> 00:12:51,967
- Hey Burt.
252
00:12:51,967 --> 00:12:52,800
- Yes, Ken.
253
00:12:52,800 --> 00:12:54,087
- See that piano?
254
00:12:54,087 --> 00:12:54,920
- Yeah.
255
00:12:54,920 --> 00:12:57,027
- What's it doing on the beach?
256
00:12:57,027 --> 00:13:00,247
- Well perhaps it fell off
the back of the Titanic.
257
00:13:01,080 --> 00:13:02,247
- Maybe its a symbol.
258
00:13:02,247 --> 00:13:04,247
- Nah, it's definitely a piano.
259
00:13:05,247 --> 00:13:06,747
- Hey you two idiots.
260
00:13:06,747 --> 00:13:08,045
- Yes, Gov?
261
00:13:08,045 --> 00:13:09,005
- What's your name?
262
00:13:09,005 --> 00:13:09,877
- Burton Russell.
263
00:13:11,037 --> 00:13:12,197
- The Philosopher?
264
00:13:12,197 --> 00:13:14,897
- No Sir, Burton Russell
the furniture remover.
265
00:13:15,730 --> 00:13:18,757
- Oh, well, I want you
to remove this piano to
266
00:13:18,757 --> 00:13:22,197
London, I'm going to give
it to The Working Classes.
267
00:13:22,197 --> 00:13:24,697
- Wow, I'm sure they'll be thrilled,
268
00:13:24,697 --> 00:13:26,317
all 25 million of 'em.
269
00:13:26,317 --> 00:13:28,837
You okay, Ken, you got a bit pale.
270
00:13:28,837 --> 00:13:31,677
- There's something oddly
familiar about this piano, Burt.
271
00:13:31,677 --> 00:13:32,510
- What?
272
00:13:32,510 --> 00:13:33,417
- I've seen it before.
273
00:13:33,417 --> 00:13:34,250
- Where?
274
00:13:34,250 --> 00:13:35,297
- In India.
275
00:13:35,297 --> 00:13:36,797
When I was in the regiment.
276
00:13:36,797 --> 00:13:40,964
It was August 1898, a
stinking hot day in Shagistan.
277
00:13:43,617 --> 00:13:44,977
- What's going on?
278
00:13:44,977 --> 00:13:46,337
- He's having a flashback.
279
00:13:46,337 --> 00:13:49,017
- Oh dear, can you stop him?
280
00:13:49,017 --> 00:13:51,517
- Too late, Sir, it's started.
281
00:13:52,495 --> 00:13:54,715
- I was in British India in Shagistan with
282
00:13:54,715 --> 00:13:56,875
the Queen's Armed Gay Gordon's,
283
00:13:56,875 --> 00:13:58,935
a cross-dressing British regiment sent to
284
00:13:58,935 --> 00:14:01,695
raise morale on the Northwest Front Yard.
285
00:14:01,695 --> 00:14:04,355
We were a hundred men under Lord Darling,
286
00:14:05,188 --> 00:14:07,175
guarding the back passage to India.
287
00:14:07,175 --> 00:14:09,275
One day, I came across a local man by the
288
00:14:09,275 --> 00:14:11,795
name of Deepak Rushdie Obi Ben Kingsley.
289
00:14:15,215 --> 00:14:17,375
He was making something rather special.
290
00:14:20,695 --> 00:14:22,395
- There, that is it.
291
00:14:22,395 --> 00:14:23,575
It is finished.
292
00:14:23,575 --> 00:14:24,755
- What is it, Deepak?
293
00:14:24,755 --> 00:14:26,335
- Well, what does it look like?
294
00:14:26,335 --> 00:14:29,195
- Well, it looks like a dick.
295
00:14:29,195 --> 00:14:31,855
- Exactly, in fact, it
is a dick, but a toy one
296
00:14:31,855 --> 00:14:32,895
for the women.
297
00:14:32,895 --> 00:14:34,095
- What kind of toy.
298
00:14:34,095 --> 00:14:35,695
- A toy women can play with.
299
00:14:35,695 --> 00:14:36,536
- Where?
300
00:14:36,536 --> 00:14:37,524
- in their privates.
301
00:14:37,524 --> 00:14:39,164
- Well, what will they do with it?
302
00:14:39,164 --> 00:14:42,522
- Well, they could, sit on it.
303
00:14:44,122 --> 00:14:45,042
- You mean--
304
00:14:45,042 --> 00:14:45,875
- Yes.
305
00:14:45,875 --> 00:14:47,742
- Good grief! You're a monster.
306
00:14:47,742 --> 00:14:50,082
- No, that's just
shortsighted, women will enjoy
307
00:14:50,082 --> 00:14:51,882
this little toy.
308
00:14:51,882 --> 00:14:53,562
- But, I can't believe that any woman--
309
00:14:53,562 --> 00:14:56,042
- Oh, yes, they will, you
will be shocked, Sergeant
310
00:14:56,042 --> 00:14:58,522
but you're looking at the future.
311
00:14:58,522 --> 00:15:00,742
Hitherto, these little
private toys have been
312
00:15:00,742 --> 00:15:02,882
made only in merchant ivory but now,
313
00:15:02,882 --> 00:15:06,222
look, you, rubber, much more flexible,
314
00:15:06,222 --> 00:15:08,502
much more easily sat upon.
315
00:15:09,335 --> 00:15:10,562
- Good God!
316
00:15:10,562 --> 00:15:12,402
- You are very naïve, Sergeant, there is a
317
00:15:12,402 --> 00:15:14,382
shining future for the
personal stimulator.
318
00:15:14,382 --> 00:15:16,142
You see, I believe that
one day every woman will
319
00:15:16,142 --> 00:15:17,922
have one of these things,
they'll have models
320
00:15:17,922 --> 00:15:19,902
of all shapes and sizes,
they will make different
321
00:15:19,902 --> 00:15:21,422
things and they will shake
and they will vibrate
322
00:15:21,422 --> 00:15:22,942
and they will buzz.
323
00:15:23,775 --> 00:15:25,182
They will be called
The American Happy Boy,
324
00:15:25,182 --> 00:15:27,382
the Old Colonial Ghetto
Blaster, Slippery Sid,
325
00:15:27,382 --> 00:15:30,842
Black Beauty, Ol' Calcutta,
and your dick will
326
00:15:30,842 --> 00:15:33,042
be useful for a little
while yet, Sergeant but
327
00:15:33,042 --> 00:15:34,982
when push comes to
shove, it will be nothing
328
00:15:34,982 --> 00:15:37,229
better than one of these
little rubber things,
329
00:15:37,229 --> 00:15:39,496
and that is the future then.
330
00:15:39,496 --> 00:15:41,656
And then the Hudson Rubber Company will be
331
00:15:41,656 --> 00:15:43,996
worth a fortune and I
will get a proper Indian
332
00:15:43,996 --> 00:15:45,216
accent.
333
00:15:46,049 --> 00:15:46,882
This...
334
00:15:48,176 --> 00:15:49,843
Yes, this I believe.
335
00:15:50,936 --> 00:15:52,156
Thank you.
336
00:15:59,996 --> 00:16:02,116
- Morning, Colonel Darling.
337
00:16:02,116 --> 00:16:03,536
- Morning, Sergeant.
338
00:16:03,536 --> 00:16:05,636
How's drag night coming along?
339
00:16:05,636 --> 00:16:07,296
- Well, I mean, I'm very
much looking forward
340
00:16:07,296 --> 00:16:08,129
to it, Sir.
341
00:16:08,129 --> 00:16:10,056
I've been up all night
sewing their frocks.
342
00:16:10,056 --> 00:16:12,376
- Is there any finer
sight than a regiment of
343
00:16:12,376 --> 00:16:14,956
young, British men in full drag?
344
00:16:16,556 --> 00:16:19,396
By God, it must terrify the enemy.
345
00:16:19,396 --> 00:16:22,558
- Scares the shit outta me, Sir.
346
00:16:22,558 --> 00:16:23,452
Good grief!
347
00:16:23,452 --> 00:16:24,792
- What is it, Sergeant?
348
00:16:24,792 --> 00:16:26,872
- Over there, Sir, in the scruff.
349
00:16:26,872 --> 00:16:28,352
- What is that?
350
00:16:28,352 --> 00:16:29,792
- It looks like a piano, Sir.
351
00:16:29,792 --> 00:16:31,772
- Beware, Sir, my Lord Darling, this piano
352
00:16:31,772 --> 00:16:33,672
could very well bring
about the collapse of the
353
00:16:33,672 --> 00:16:35,052
entire British Empire.
354
00:16:35,052 --> 00:16:35,885
- What?
355
00:16:35,885 --> 00:16:37,352
- Oh, don't mind Deepak, Sir.
356
00:16:37,352 --> 00:16:38,992
He always predicting the future.
357
00:16:38,992 --> 00:16:42,052
Last week he foresaw Sarah Palin.
358
00:16:43,552 --> 00:16:44,632
- What's that?
359
00:16:44,632 --> 00:16:47,632
- Some kind of British
comedian, I think, Sir.
360
00:16:47,632 --> 00:16:51,032
And then only last night,
he foresaw the Kardashian's.
361
00:16:51,032 --> 00:16:53,615
- Is that some kind of disease?
362
00:16:55,472 --> 00:16:56,772
- Yes it is.
363
00:17:03,552 --> 00:17:05,252
- And you should see his little dick.
364
00:17:05,252 --> 00:17:06,952
- I beg your pardon.
365
00:17:06,952 --> 00:17:08,592
- He's got a little rubber toy, Sir.
366
00:17:08,592 --> 00:17:11,072
Apparently, women will put
it up their hoochie coo--
367
00:17:11,072 --> 00:17:13,252
- That's quite enough of that.
368
00:17:13,252 --> 00:17:15,732
Take this piano back to
camp, it will make its
369
00:17:15,732 --> 00:17:19,992
debut tonight at the
regimental fancy dress ball.
370
00:17:19,992 --> 00:17:21,972
- Oh no, Sir, I beg you,
the rivers will run with
371
00:17:21,972 --> 00:17:24,372
blood, the wren will leave
its nest, the frogs will
372
00:17:24,372 --> 00:17:26,572
fall from the sky and
lambs will give birth to
373
00:17:26,572 --> 00:17:27,652
little tadpoles.
374
00:17:27,652 --> 00:17:29,332
And the owl will hoot at night and--
375
00:17:29,332 --> 00:17:31,752
- The owl always hoots at night.
376
00:17:31,752 --> 00:17:33,712
- This one will hoot in French.
377
00:17:34,692 --> 00:17:36,412
- Oh, shut up, Deepak!
378
00:17:36,412 --> 00:17:37,432
And Sergeant?
379
00:17:37,432 --> 00:17:38,292
- Sir?
380
00:17:38,292 --> 00:17:41,252
- I want to see you in my
tent the minute we get back.
381
00:17:41,252 --> 00:17:43,312
- It might be a few minutes after, Sir.
382
00:17:43,312 --> 00:17:44,145
- Why?
383
00:17:44,145 --> 00:17:45,732
- Well, I have to take a Donald.
384
00:17:45,732 --> 00:17:46,712
- A what?
385
00:17:46,712 --> 00:17:48,635
- A Donald Trump.
386
00:17:49,865 --> 00:17:52,506
- Oh, a dump!
387
00:17:52,506 --> 00:17:55,266
- So I was taken back to
camp by the piano warriors,
388
00:17:55,266 --> 00:17:58,586
a small hill tribe used
by the Scot's Gays for
389
00:17:58,586 --> 00:18:00,266
moving furniture.
390
00:18:00,266 --> 00:18:02,966
While Sergeant Russell took
a Donald and hurried off
391
00:18:02,966 --> 00:18:04,926
to meet Lord Darling.
392
00:18:06,609 --> 00:18:07,583
It's a tent.
393
00:18:07,583 --> 00:18:09,006
- Oh, sorry
394
00:18:10,826 --> 00:18:12,166
- You wanted to see me, Sir.
395
00:18:12,166 --> 00:18:13,266
- Ah, yes, Sergeant.
396
00:18:13,266 --> 00:18:14,306
Come in!
397
00:18:14,306 --> 00:18:17,146
The thing is, I wanted
a little talk with you,
398
00:18:17,146 --> 00:18:19,146
because there's something
that I want to get off
399
00:18:19,146 --> 00:18:20,226
my chest.
400
00:18:20,226 --> 00:18:22,623
- That ugly picture of your wife, Sir?
401
00:18:22,623 --> 00:18:26,123
- No, my own chest, not off the furniture.
402
00:18:26,965 --> 00:18:30,155
- Perhaps it's just a bad angle, Sir.
403
00:18:30,155 --> 00:18:31,988
- It's from the front.
404
00:18:32,863 --> 00:18:34,263
- Exactly.
405
00:18:34,263 --> 00:18:36,123
- Sergeant, I'm trying
to tell you something
406
00:18:36,123 --> 00:18:38,823
personal, but you know
how we English people are
407
00:18:38,823 --> 00:18:40,323
with emotions.
408
00:18:40,323 --> 00:18:41,943
- We don't have any, Sir?
409
00:18:41,943 --> 00:18:45,643
- No, we have some but
we don't share them.
410
00:18:45,643 --> 00:18:48,023
We're not a touchy-feely race.
411
00:18:48,023 --> 00:18:49,748
- Like the Nigerians.
412
00:18:50,848 --> 00:18:51,681
- What?
413
00:18:52,565 --> 00:18:57,109
Look, this may just be
sentimental tosh, but I
414
00:18:57,109 --> 00:19:00,109
have been having feelings
about something, well
415
00:19:00,109 --> 00:19:01,749
a little private.
416
00:19:01,749 --> 00:19:04,582
- Any little private we know, Sir?
417
00:19:05,789 --> 00:19:08,289
- It feels a bit awkward,
I mean, after all, we're
418
00:19:08,289 --> 00:19:09,289
in the Army.
419
00:19:09,289 --> 00:19:11,189
- It's fairly common in the Navy, Sir.
420
00:19:13,889 --> 00:19:16,149
- It's just that if anything
should happen to me,
421
00:19:16,149 --> 00:19:19,929
Sergeant, and this is
really important, I should
422
00:19:19,929 --> 00:19:21,012
like you to--
423
00:19:22,234 --> 00:19:24,487
- What, what did he say?
424
00:19:24,487 --> 00:19:26,767
- That's just it, I can't remember.
425
00:19:26,767 --> 00:19:28,147
- You can't remember.
426
00:19:28,147 --> 00:19:29,807
- Just that it was very important.
427
00:19:29,807 --> 00:19:32,067
- But, how could you possibly forget?
428
00:19:32,067 --> 00:19:34,227
- It was that night,
when the piano appeared,
429
00:19:34,227 --> 00:19:36,927
that the Regimental Transvestite Ball,
430
00:19:36,927 --> 00:19:39,047
something terrible happened.
431
00:19:39,047 --> 00:19:41,465
- Good evening, Major Dickhead.
432
00:19:41,465 --> 00:19:42,798
- That's Dihard.
433
00:19:45,025 --> 00:19:46,465
- What?
434
00:19:46,465 --> 00:19:49,665
- It's spelled Dickhead but
it's pronounced Duh hard.
435
00:19:50,725 --> 00:19:54,058
- Oh, sorry.
436
00:19:56,985 --> 00:19:59,745
Splendid sight isn't it,
all these chaps in their
437
00:19:59,745 --> 00:20:00,945
frocks.
438
00:20:00,945 --> 00:20:02,112
- Stimulating!
439
00:20:02,985 --> 00:20:04,465
- Fancy a stiff one?
440
00:20:04,465 --> 00:20:06,145
- I already have one.
441
00:20:08,045 --> 00:20:09,085
- Lovely gown.
442
00:20:09,085 --> 00:20:10,165
- Thank you.
443
00:20:10,165 --> 00:20:12,125
- Sorry to interrupt this gay banter, Sir,
444
00:20:12,125 --> 00:20:14,205
but there's a bit of trouble in the camp.
445
00:20:14,205 --> 00:20:15,585
- What sort of trouble?
446
00:20:15,585 --> 00:20:17,405
- One of the civilians has been eaten.
447
00:20:17,405 --> 00:20:18,238
- Beaten?
448
00:20:18,238 --> 00:20:19,105
- No, Sir, eaten.
449
00:20:19,105 --> 00:20:21,945
- Eton as in the public
school founded in 1440
450
00:20:21,945 --> 00:20:24,773
by Henry the VI part three?
451
00:20:24,773 --> 00:20:25,903
- No, Sir.
452
00:20:25,903 --> 00:20:27,823
Eatin' as in tucked into a nice sandwich,
453
00:20:27,823 --> 00:20:29,863
nibble, nibble, nibble part chewed.
454
00:20:30,943 --> 00:20:32,663
- Good grief!
455
00:20:32,663 --> 00:20:33,663
- Shall I cancel the ball?
456
00:20:33,663 --> 00:20:35,623
- Good Lord, no need to do that.
457
00:20:35,623 --> 00:20:38,503
The chaps have been up all
night sewing their dresses.
458
00:20:38,503 --> 00:20:40,183
- Righto, Sir.
459
00:20:40,183 --> 00:20:41,543
But I wish I had,
460
00:20:41,543 --> 00:20:43,103
because shortly after the spot dance,
461
00:20:43,103 --> 00:20:45,323
we cut right in to who
just won best frock for
462
00:20:45,323 --> 00:20:47,383
a beautiful hand embroidered ballgown,
463
00:20:47,383 --> 00:20:49,403
all hell broke loose.
464
00:20:49,403 --> 00:20:50,683
- It should have been me.
465
00:20:50,683 --> 00:20:51,516
- It was mine.
466
00:20:51,516 --> 00:20:52,683
- My frock was much better than yours--
467
00:20:52,683 --> 00:20:53,823
- No, mine had no holes in it--
468
00:20:53,823 --> 00:20:54,943
- Look, yours is Bastille rubbish--
469
00:20:54,943 --> 00:20:55,963
- I don't know what your--
470
00:20:55,963 --> 00:20:58,783
- But this terrible
bickering was soon silenced.
471
00:21:02,943 --> 00:21:04,543
by a deadly attack.
472
00:21:08,743 --> 00:21:12,660
- What sort of enemy
attacks during drag night?
473
00:21:13,603 --> 00:21:16,263
And I'll tell you one thing, Sergeant,
474
00:21:16,263 --> 00:21:19,903
before I die, there is
a place far off in the
475
00:21:19,903 --> 00:21:23,723
future where the wind
blows off of the mountains,
476
00:21:23,723 --> 00:21:26,473
and people will be kind and good,
477
00:21:28,123 --> 00:21:32,223
and respect one another
and be descent and fair.
478
00:21:32,223 --> 00:21:33,683
- America, Sir?
479
00:21:33,683 --> 00:21:36,263
- No, not America, Holland.
480
00:21:40,390 --> 00:21:43,141
- But there aren't any
mountains in Holland.
481
00:21:43,141 --> 00:21:43,974
- What?
482
00:21:43,974 --> 00:21:45,601
- Well, there's canals,
and dykes and red light
483
00:21:45,601 --> 00:21:47,181
districts with hookers
in the windows but no
484
00:21:47,181 --> 00:21:48,121
mountains.
485
00:21:48,121 --> 00:21:50,021
- The mountains are a metaphor.
486
00:21:50,021 --> 00:21:51,801
- But Holland is known for being flat.
487
00:21:51,801 --> 00:21:52,961
- It doesn't matter.
488
00:21:52,961 --> 00:21:54,921
- Well, it matters
because if the metaphor is
489
00:21:54,921 --> 00:21:56,661
to signify it, it must
be appropriate to the
490
00:21:56,661 --> 00:21:57,494
comparison.
491
00:21:57,494 --> 00:21:59,881
- No, no, you see, a
metaphor is by definition
492
00:21:59,881 --> 00:22:03,501
a comparison between two different things.
493
00:22:03,501 --> 00:22:04,881
- That's a simile.
494
00:22:09,221 --> 00:22:12,601
But the argument was never resolved.
495
00:22:12,601 --> 00:22:15,261
Lord Darling took a terrible wound.
496
00:22:15,261 --> 00:22:17,959
- I'm done for, Sergeant.
497
00:22:17,959 --> 00:22:20,877
Don't forget your promise.
498
00:22:20,877 --> 00:22:23,037
- Oh I won't, Sir.
499
00:22:23,037 --> 00:22:23,870
But I did.
500
00:22:24,977 --> 00:22:26,717
In the morning, there
were only three survivors,
501
00:22:26,717 --> 00:22:28,884
me, Deepak and this piano.
502
00:22:31,217 --> 00:22:35,557
- Look, there's Helena Schlegel
walking down Bond Street.
503
00:22:35,557 --> 00:22:36,657
Helena!
504
00:22:36,657 --> 00:22:38,117
- Hello, Reverend Whoopsie.
505
00:22:38,117 --> 00:22:39,375
Is the flashback over?
506
00:22:39,375 --> 00:22:41,058
- Yes, thank God!
507
00:22:41,058 --> 00:22:43,011
- How was the weekend with Dick?
508
00:22:43,011 --> 00:22:43,851
- Marvelous!
509
00:22:43,851 --> 00:22:45,031
We played games.
510
00:22:45,031 --> 00:22:46,151
- Who won?
511
00:22:46,151 --> 00:22:47,611
- Dick came first.
512
00:22:49,391 --> 00:22:50,571
- It was such fun, Helena.
513
00:22:50,571 --> 00:22:51,991
I hardly knew I had it in me.
514
00:22:53,791 --> 00:22:56,431
- Then Dick found this piano on the beach.
515
00:22:56,431 --> 00:22:58,871
- Oh, it's a beauty.
516
00:22:58,871 --> 00:22:59,991
- Isn't it?
517
00:22:59,991 --> 00:23:01,891
- We're giving it to the Workers.
518
00:23:01,891 --> 00:23:03,611
- Oh, not to me, Dick?
519
00:23:03,611 --> 00:23:06,011
- Mr. Whoopsie says The
Workers need some new
520
00:23:06,011 --> 00:23:06,871
instruments.
521
00:23:06,871 --> 00:23:09,111
- But such a beautiful
piano, you might have
522
00:23:09,111 --> 00:23:10,091
thought of me.
523
00:23:10,091 --> 00:23:12,191
- Whoopsie was very
insistent and apparently
524
00:23:12,191 --> 00:23:13,791
has a young man in mind.
525
00:23:13,791 --> 00:23:16,311
- Why don't you come
along and meet him tonight
526
00:23:16,311 --> 00:23:18,471
at The Royal Working Men's Club.
527
00:23:23,246 --> 00:23:24,496
- Oh, Dear God!
528
00:23:25,584 --> 00:23:27,684
Oh, sweet Jesus!
529
00:23:27,684 --> 00:23:31,351
Shit, Christ, hell,
fuck, will it never end.
530
00:23:32,524 --> 00:23:35,544
- I am very pleased to
present The Dick Piano for the
531
00:23:35,544 --> 00:23:39,144
Working Classes to Leonard the Bastard.
532
00:23:40,804 --> 00:23:42,204
So what do you think, Helena?
533
00:23:42,204 --> 00:23:43,304
- I think it's monstrous.
534
00:23:43,304 --> 00:23:45,224
Why on earth did you choose him?
535
00:23:45,224 --> 00:23:46,624
- Well, look at him.
536
00:23:46,624 --> 00:23:48,084
He's beautiful.
537
00:23:48,084 --> 00:23:50,584
- But he can't play the
piano to save his life.
538
00:23:50,584 --> 00:23:52,264
- Congratulations, Lennie.
539
00:23:52,264 --> 00:23:54,784
- Thank you very much, Reverend.
540
00:23:54,784 --> 00:23:57,104
- Leonard, this is Helena Schlegel.
541
00:23:57,104 --> 00:23:59,504
- Very nice to meet ya, Miss Schlegel.
542
00:23:59,504 --> 00:24:01,384
- How much do you want for the piano?
543
00:24:01,384 --> 00:24:03,184
- Oh no, I couldn't possibly part with it.
544
00:24:03,184 --> 00:24:04,504
- I'll give you a hundred guineas.
545
00:24:04,504 --> 00:24:06,824
- Heavens, that's more than
my wife makes in a year.
546
00:24:06,824 --> 00:24:07,824
- You're married?
547
00:24:07,824 --> 00:24:09,564
- Who's the clever little ducky wucky?
548
00:24:09,564 --> 00:24:11,704
Come on, Lenny give us a smackening,
549
00:24:11,704 --> 00:24:14,944
muah, muah, muah, muah, muah, muah.
550
00:24:14,944 --> 00:24:16,304
- This is Enid.
551
00:24:16,304 --> 00:24:17,244
- Who's Enid?
552
00:24:17,244 --> 00:24:18,204
- I'm Enid.
553
00:24:18,204 --> 00:24:19,444
- She's your mother?
554
00:24:19,444 --> 00:24:20,984
- No, she's me wife.
555
00:24:20,984 --> 00:24:24,264
- Oh, sorry,
it's the light in here.
556
00:24:25,944 --> 00:24:27,944
- Don't worry Vicar, if it weren't for me,
557
00:24:27,944 --> 00:24:29,284
Lennie would starve.
558
00:24:29,284 --> 00:24:31,464
- Why, what is it you do, Mrs. Bastard?
559
00:24:31,464 --> 00:24:32,784
- She has men over.
560
00:24:32,784 --> 00:24:34,504
- And what does she do with them?
561
00:24:34,504 --> 00:24:35,644
- None of your business.
562
00:24:35,644 --> 00:24:36,824
I make them happy.
563
00:24:36,824 --> 00:24:39,024
You should try it sometime.
564
00:24:39,024 --> 00:24:39,864
- Enid!
565
00:24:39,864 --> 00:24:40,697
- What?
566
00:24:43,323 --> 00:24:45,618
You're a stuck up git!
567
00:24:45,618 --> 00:24:49,118
She's looking down her nose at us, Lennie.
568
00:24:50,838 --> 00:24:52,998
- Golly, how awkward.
569
00:24:55,138 --> 00:24:57,598
Well, I must be off to
play hunt the thimble,
570
00:24:57,598 --> 00:24:59,838
with the Bishop of Thornton.
571
00:24:59,838 --> 00:25:01,838
Enjoy the piano, Lennie.
572
00:25:03,038 --> 00:25:05,738
- How are we ever going to
get that piano into our place?
573
00:25:05,738 --> 00:25:07,018
- We'll manage somehow.
574
00:25:07,018 --> 00:25:09,278
- Well, we'll have to get
a saw and cut it in half.
575
00:25:09,278 --> 00:25:10,438
- 150 guineas.
576
00:25:10,438 --> 00:25:12,758
- I cannot lie to you
miss but it's more than me
577
00:25:12,758 --> 00:25:13,638
life's worth.
578
00:25:13,638 --> 00:25:14,978
- Give me the address then.
579
00:25:14,978 --> 00:25:16,798
- It's at the bottom of Glenn Close.
580
00:25:16,798 --> 00:25:18,138
- I'll tell the Russell brothers.
581
00:25:18,138 --> 00:25:19,998
- That's in Houndsditch, miss.
582
00:25:19,998 --> 00:25:23,698
But you've probably never
won't have heard of it.
583
00:25:23,698 --> 00:25:24,531
- Enid!
584
00:25:24,531 --> 00:25:25,438
- What?
585
00:25:25,438 --> 00:25:27,038
- She's only trying to help, girl.
586
00:25:27,038 --> 00:25:29,638
- Well, I don't trust her, Lennie.
587
00:25:29,638 --> 00:25:31,518
I don't like the way she's looking.
588
00:25:31,518 --> 00:25:32,351
- At me?
589
00:25:32,351 --> 00:25:33,934
- No, at the piano.
590
00:25:35,538 --> 00:25:37,198
- Hey, you two idiots.
591
00:25:37,198 --> 00:25:38,031
- Yes, miss.
592
00:25:38,031 --> 00:25:40,518
- You're to take this piano
to Kensington Gardens.
593
00:25:40,518 --> 00:25:41,351
- This what?
594
00:25:41,351 --> 00:25:42,678
- I think she means the piano.
595
00:25:42,678 --> 00:25:44,738
- Well, why didn't she
fucking well say so?
596
00:25:44,738 --> 00:25:46,598
- Well, she's a toff
but she has very nice--
597
00:25:46,598 --> 00:25:47,456
- Oh, she certainly does, yeah.
598
00:25:47,456 --> 00:25:50,836
- Hurry up you two Working
Class wankers, to Kensington.
599
00:25:50,836 --> 00:25:53,256
- Kensington, I thought it
was going to Houndsditch.
600
00:25:53,256 --> 00:25:56,314
- No, it's written Houndsditch
but it's pronounced
601
00:25:56,314 --> 00:25:57,147
Kensington.
602
00:25:58,826 --> 00:26:00,546
- Oh see, that's why she's a toff and I'm
603
00:26:00,546 --> 00:26:01,606
just a cunt--
604
00:26:01,606 --> 00:26:02,867
- Tree boy.
605
00:26:05,686 --> 00:26:07,946
Come on in, Warhorse.
606
00:26:07,946 --> 00:26:10,407
- Look, Lennie, there's
a cart with our piano,
607
00:26:10,407 --> 00:26:12,266
that's not the way to Houndsditch.
608
00:26:12,266 --> 00:26:14,439
I knew it, they're heading for Kensington.
609
00:26:14,439 --> 00:26:15,579
- Perhaps there's a mistake.
610
00:26:15,579 --> 00:26:17,719
- Yeah, accepting pianos
from Whoopsie Dick 'cause
611
00:26:17,719 --> 00:26:19,359
he's a mistake, quick after 'em.
612
00:26:19,359 --> 00:26:20,299
- I'll call the police.
613
00:26:20,299 --> 00:26:23,376
- No, no, no, no, not the police, Lennie.
614
00:26:23,376 --> 00:26:25,417
Think of my work.
615
00:26:25,417 --> 00:26:27,717
- What is it exactly that you do?
616
00:26:27,717 --> 00:26:29,997
- I told you, Lennie.
617
00:26:29,997 --> 00:26:32,237
It's a kind of therapy.
618
00:26:32,237 --> 00:26:34,997
- But must they take their trousers off?
619
00:26:34,997 --> 00:26:36,957
- We'll talk about that later, Lennie.
620
00:26:36,957 --> 00:26:38,677
- No, I want to talk about it now.
621
00:26:38,677 --> 00:26:40,260
- Alright, Leonard.
622
00:26:41,837 --> 00:26:43,337
I'm an ass reader.
623
00:26:46,897 --> 00:26:48,597
- You what?
624
00:26:48,597 --> 00:26:50,457
- I tell peoples fortunes.
625
00:26:50,457 --> 00:26:52,137
It's like palm reading.
626
00:26:52,137 --> 00:26:54,137
Only I read their asses.
627
00:26:55,497 --> 00:26:57,237
- Ass-trology.
628
00:27:00,137 --> 00:27:01,577
- Exactly.
629
00:27:01,577 --> 00:27:04,037
- But why do you work all the time?
630
00:27:04,037 --> 00:27:04,870
- Because.
631
00:27:07,857 --> 00:27:10,777
♫ I'm a simple girl from Houndsditch
632
00:27:10,777 --> 00:27:13,717
♫ Ass readings what I do
633
00:27:13,717 --> 00:27:16,877
♫ Bend over, drop your trousers Len
634
00:27:16,877 --> 00:27:19,237
♫ I'll read your future too
635
00:27:19,237 --> 00:27:21,257
♫ No!
636
00:27:21,257 --> 00:27:23,217
♫ It's part of your body
637
00:27:23,217 --> 00:27:26,417
♫ Speaks volumes like a book
638
00:27:26,417 --> 00:27:29,817
♫ Bend over, my sweet Lennie dear
639
00:27:29,817 --> 00:27:33,157
♫ And let me take a look
640
00:27:33,157 --> 00:27:34,977
♫ Can't have it
641
00:27:34,977 --> 00:27:37,517
♫ Asstrology
642
00:27:37,517 --> 00:27:40,037
♫ Asstrology
643
00:27:40,037 --> 00:27:44,457
♫ As sound as the hills like Geology
644
00:27:44,457 --> 00:27:47,897
♫ All that is written
and will come to pass
645
00:27:47,897 --> 00:27:51,497
♫ Is buried down deep in your ass
646
00:27:51,497 --> 00:27:52,557
♫ Ugh
647
00:27:52,557 --> 00:27:56,177
♫ Each little wrinkle
and crinkle and dimple
648
00:27:56,177 --> 00:28:00,857
♫ Will foretell the future
it's really that simple
649
00:28:00,857 --> 00:28:04,317
♫ Look on the night side
and not on the black side
650
00:28:04,317 --> 00:28:08,484
♫ Your face is your fortune
but so is your backside
651
00:28:10,217 --> 00:28:12,157
♫ Come on, Lennie
652
00:28:12,157 --> 00:28:14,557
♫ Asstrology
653
00:28:14,557 --> 00:28:16,697
♫ Asstrology
654
00:28:16,697 --> 00:28:21,037
♫ It all sounds like
hogwash and doorah to me
655
00:28:21,037 --> 00:28:24,697
♫ I prefer Psychology
656
00:28:24,697 --> 00:28:29,657
♫ Shut up and let me read your ass
657
00:28:29,657 --> 00:28:33,277
♫ Slight little problem
that's found on me ninth
658
00:28:33,277 --> 00:28:37,637
♫ Is written down neatly upon my behind
659
00:28:37,637 --> 00:28:41,157
♫ The past so completely and utterly gone
660
00:28:41,157 --> 00:28:45,324
♫ Is plainly still writ upon my sit upon
661
00:28:49,828 --> 00:28:52,245
♫ Asstrology
662
00:28:53,491 --> 00:28:55,531
♫ Asstrology
663
00:28:55,531 --> 00:28:59,671
♫ They say that whatever will be will be
664
00:28:59,671 --> 00:29:03,411
♫ But whatever happens
When shove comes to push
665
00:29:03,411 --> 00:29:08,327
♫ A future is read in
your tush, tush, tush ♫
666
00:29:13,827 --> 00:29:14,807
- It's very late.
667
00:29:14,807 --> 00:29:17,127
Where can that neurotic girl be?
668
00:29:17,127 --> 00:29:18,467
- Don't worry, Aunt Maggie.
669
00:29:18,467 --> 00:29:20,027
Here's Helena now, on a cart.
670
00:29:20,027 --> 00:29:21,647
- Hey, Emma, look what I've got.
671
00:29:21,647 --> 00:29:22,967
- Not more umbrellas.
672
00:29:22,967 --> 00:29:23,907
- She's got a piano.
673
00:29:23,907 --> 00:29:25,427
- Where on earth did you get it?
674
00:29:25,427 --> 00:29:26,927
- Dick found it and gave it to me.
675
00:29:26,927 --> 00:29:28,687
- Out of breath, out of breath.
676
00:29:28,687 --> 00:29:29,520
Excuse me.
677
00:29:30,929 --> 00:29:32,183
- Yes?
678
00:29:32,183 --> 00:29:33,243
- That's my piano.
679
00:29:33,243 --> 00:29:34,076
- No it's not.
680
00:29:34,076 --> 00:29:35,043
- Oh Helena don't tell me--
681
00:29:35,043 --> 00:29:36,203
- It's mine, Emma.
682
00:29:36,203 --> 00:29:38,483
- Give it back to me or
else she'll call the police.
683
00:29:38,483 --> 00:29:40,863
- You tell her, Lennie.
684
00:29:40,863 --> 00:29:42,203
- What exactly do you want?
685
00:29:42,203 --> 00:29:44,903
- We want his piano miss hoity toity.
686
00:29:44,903 --> 00:29:46,583
- Stand aside you ruffians.
687
00:29:46,583 --> 00:29:47,943
- Why, Mr. Hudson--
688
00:29:47,943 --> 00:29:49,683
- May I be of some assistance.
689
00:29:49,683 --> 00:29:51,763
- This lady is Nickin' my piano.
690
00:29:51,763 --> 00:29:54,683
- How dare you make scandalous
aspersions about a young
691
00:29:54,683 --> 00:29:56,183
neurotic upper class woman.
692
00:29:56,183 --> 00:29:58,363
I shall thrash you, Sir with my umbrella.
693
00:29:58,363 --> 00:29:59,963
- Oh, I will take that, thank you.
694
00:30:01,103 --> 00:30:03,083
- Please, Mr. Hudson, do not thrash him.
695
00:30:03,083 --> 00:30:04,523
He is Working Class.
696
00:30:04,523 --> 00:30:05,923
- No, no. He fucking ain't.
697
00:30:05,923 --> 00:30:07,663
He ain't even working.
698
00:30:07,663 --> 00:30:09,783
I mean, Leonard's
unemployed, everyone will be
699
00:30:09,783 --> 00:30:12,383
forced to fetch the police,
so give me that piano back.
700
00:30:12,383 --> 00:30:14,723
Stealing a piano in broad daylight.
701
00:30:14,723 --> 00:30:17,323
Oh, why, I never heard the like of it,
702
00:30:17,323 --> 00:30:20,983
oh so help me, I've never
did, in all of my born
703
00:30:20,983 --> 00:30:24,863
days, oh blimey, Lord's
have mercy, cross me
704
00:30:24,863 --> 00:30:26,423
heart and hope to die.
705
00:30:34,303 --> 00:30:38,053
- What is she, some kind
of Dickens Festival?
706
00:30:39,043 --> 00:30:41,126
- She's on crack cocaine.
707
00:30:42,903 --> 00:30:44,883
Get this woman out of here.
708
00:30:44,883 --> 00:30:46,966
- Eww, hello cuddle butt.
709
00:30:48,823 --> 00:30:50,223
- Do you know her?
710
00:30:50,223 --> 00:30:52,903
- Uh, no, absolutely not,
never seen her before
711
00:30:52,903 --> 00:30:53,736
in my life.
712
00:30:53,736 --> 00:30:55,204
- You know this man, Enid?
713
00:30:55,204 --> 00:30:57,083
- Yeah, he's a regular,
Saturdays at eight.
714
00:30:57,083 --> 00:30:58,283
- What is she talking about?
715
00:30:58,283 --> 00:30:59,116
- Woman's mad.
716
00:30:59,116 --> 00:31:00,963
- Come on, Enid, let's fetch the coppers.
717
00:31:00,963 --> 00:31:02,643
- You haven't heard the last of this.
718
00:31:02,643 --> 00:31:05,283
See you Saturday as usual, dimple butt.
719
00:31:07,103 --> 00:31:09,143
- Can I ask you a favor, Mr. Hudson?
720
00:31:09,143 --> 00:31:10,383
That man Leonard that was just here,
721
00:31:10,383 --> 00:31:11,563
would you go after him?
722
00:31:11,563 --> 00:31:13,843
- Yeah, go after him and then
offer to beat his lights out?
723
00:31:13,843 --> 00:31:15,143
- No, offer him a job.
724
00:31:15,143 --> 00:31:16,143
- Oh, whatever for?
725
00:31:16,143 --> 00:31:18,043
- The piano was his, Helena took it.
726
00:31:18,043 --> 00:31:20,442
- Oh dear, that umbrella
thing is getting much worse.
727
00:31:20,442 --> 00:31:22,561
- Yes and soon the police
will be here and there'll
728
00:31:22,561 --> 00:31:23,442
be an awful scene.
729
00:31:23,442 --> 00:31:24,521
- Where is this piano?
730
00:31:24,521 --> 00:31:26,001
- Over there on the cart.
731
00:31:26,001 --> 00:31:26,962
- Hey, you two idiots.
732
00:31:26,962 --> 00:31:28,282
- Yes, Gov?
733
00:31:28,282 --> 00:31:29,241
- What's your name?
734
00:31:29,241 --> 00:31:30,182
- Ken Russell.
735
00:31:30,182 --> 00:31:31,361
- Don't I know you?
736
00:31:31,361 --> 00:31:32,542
- No idea, Gov.
737
00:31:32,542 --> 00:31:34,542
- His memories gone, Sir,
he can't remember anything
738
00:31:34,542 --> 00:31:36,322
since the Shagistan massacre.
739
00:31:36,322 --> 00:31:37,155
- I see, right.
740
00:31:37,155 --> 00:31:38,881
Well, I want you to
take this piano over to
741
00:31:38,881 --> 00:31:40,962
Trevor Howard's End.
742
00:31:40,962 --> 00:31:42,421
That is my country cottage at Norfolk.
743
00:31:42,421 --> 00:31:44,121
The piano will be safe there.
744
00:31:44,121 --> 00:31:44,954
- Alright, Gov.
745
00:31:44,954 --> 00:31:46,714
Come on, warhorse.
746
00:31:49,560 --> 00:31:51,680
- And now, Emma, I will
make my excuses and I
747
00:31:51,680 --> 00:31:54,140
shall pursue Leonard
Bastard to offer him a job
748
00:31:54,140 --> 00:31:56,280
in the Accounting Department.
749
00:31:56,280 --> 00:31:58,338
- I don't know how to
thank you, Mr. Hudson.
750
00:31:58,338 --> 00:32:00,558
- You don't need to thank
me unless, perhaps, do
751
00:32:00,558 --> 00:32:01,838
have a hairbrush?
752
00:32:01,838 --> 00:32:03,138
- Yes, why?
753
00:32:03,138 --> 00:32:05,058
- Oh, nothing.
754
00:32:06,858 --> 00:32:08,438
She detains me with her eyes.
755
00:32:08,438 --> 00:32:10,158
I have a strong compulsion towards her.
756
00:32:10,158 --> 00:32:10,991
It's as if--
757
00:32:10,991 --> 00:32:11,978
- It's as if I could read his thoughts.
758
00:32:11,978 --> 00:32:13,178
- It's as if she could read my thoughts.
759
00:32:13,178 --> 00:32:14,418
- That's because we are speaking out loud.
760
00:32:14,418 --> 00:32:15,598
- Yes, I suppose so.
761
00:32:16,431 --> 00:32:17,658
So here we are still--
762
00:32:17,658 --> 00:32:18,491
- Exactly--
763
00:32:18,491 --> 00:32:19,324
- It's not as if--
764
00:32:19,324 --> 00:32:20,157
- no, hardly at all--
765
00:32:20,157 --> 00:32:21,218
- And just to think if something doesn't--
766
00:32:21,218 --> 00:32:22,051
- No, of course it doesn't--
767
00:32:22,051 --> 00:32:22,898
- What's the harm in that?
768
00:32:22,898 --> 00:32:23,731
- Simply thinking.
769
00:32:23,731 --> 00:32:24,564
- And fantasizing.
770
00:32:24,564 --> 00:32:25,418
- Perfectly normal.
771
00:32:25,418 --> 00:32:26,498
- You know what I'd like to do?
772
00:32:26,498 --> 00:32:27,331
- I have and idea.
773
00:32:27,331 --> 00:32:28,738
- I'd like to be a Butler.
774
00:32:31,818 --> 00:32:32,678
- A Butler?
775
00:32:32,678 --> 00:32:33,758
- In a great house.
776
00:32:33,758 --> 00:32:35,433
- How odd, I too dream of serving.
777
00:32:35,433 --> 00:32:36,676
- Of housekeeping?
778
00:32:36,676 --> 00:32:39,136
- To serve alongside a
man who likes order and
779
00:32:39,136 --> 00:32:40,376
discipline.
780
00:32:40,376 --> 00:32:42,716
- Wearing a simple black
dress of silk maybe.
781
00:32:42,716 --> 00:32:43,556
- Yes.
782
00:32:43,556 --> 00:32:46,856
- With tightly laced
black corset underneath?
783
00:32:46,856 --> 00:32:48,076
- Yes.
784
00:32:48,076 --> 00:32:49,816
- Perhaps regulation black stockings.
785
00:32:49,816 --> 00:32:50,958
- Oh, certainly.
786
00:32:56,614 --> 00:32:58,874
- Forgive me, Miss
Schlegel, I must just go and
787
00:32:58,874 --> 00:33:00,314
rearrange my furniture.
788
00:33:00,314 --> 00:33:01,614
- Oh heavens.
789
00:33:03,254 --> 00:33:04,874
- These are new trousers,
I'm just breaking them
790
00:33:04,874 --> 00:33:05,834
in for a friend.
791
00:33:05,834 --> 00:33:06,994
- So I see.
792
00:33:06,994 --> 00:33:07,994
- Excuse me.
793
00:33:09,334 --> 00:33:11,674
- Not so fast upper class, middling class,
794
00:33:11,674 --> 00:33:13,174
poor n high class.
795
00:33:14,154 --> 00:33:15,834
Allow me to introduce myself.
796
00:33:15,834 --> 00:33:17,974
I'm a private dick by the
name of Inspector McGuffin
797
00:33:17,974 --> 00:33:20,594
in New Scotland Yard,
missing furniture division,
798
00:33:20,594 --> 00:33:23,494
including instruments, mouth
organs, banjos and other
799
00:33:23,494 --> 00:33:26,594
such items lost from
time to time and reported
800
00:33:26,594 --> 00:33:28,714
by the public to the police.
801
00:33:31,194 --> 00:33:33,714
- Well, how do you do?
802
00:33:33,714 --> 00:33:35,674
- I'll ask the fucking questions.
803
00:33:37,994 --> 00:33:40,194
- Well, Inspector, I'm a
very busy man could you
804
00:33:40,194 --> 00:33:41,934
possibly tell me what all this is about?
805
00:33:41,934 --> 00:33:42,767
- Certainly.
806
00:33:42,767 --> 00:33:44,554
A young man from The
Workers, Leonard the Bastard
807
00:33:44,554 --> 00:33:47,214
was given a piano from
the Reverend Whoopsie.
808
00:33:47,214 --> 00:33:48,334
- I'm sorry, what?
809
00:33:50,054 --> 00:33:50,954
- A piano.
810
00:33:50,954 --> 00:33:52,634
A young laddie for The Working
Class apparently playing
811
00:33:52,634 --> 00:33:55,314
piano in the Royal
McMurkett Class Institute.
812
00:33:55,314 --> 00:33:58,429
Young laddie with a great
bit hairstyle took a piano
813
00:33:58,429 --> 00:34:01,679
country...
814
00:34:03,748 --> 00:34:05,448
to the Kensington Gardens,
815
00:34:05,448 --> 00:34:08,428
where a man identified later
to be Hudson Rubbery Company
816
00:34:08,428 --> 00:34:11,688
to, wish to take
away the piano in secret
817
00:34:11,688 --> 00:34:15,048
and the same piano is far
away in a far distant place,
818
00:34:15,048 --> 00:34:17,928
arousing the suspicions
of the Metropolitan Opera
819
00:34:17,928 --> 00:34:20,948
and the police, namely Inspector McGuffin,
820
00:34:20,948 --> 00:34:24,288
who's demanding the same of
Mr. Hudson return
821
00:34:24,288 --> 00:34:27,948
information regarding
of the same piano.
822
00:34:35,428 --> 00:34:38,595
- Could you just run that by me again?
823
00:34:40,408 --> 00:34:41,968
- Mr. Hudson--
824
00:34:41,968 --> 00:34:43,508
- Yes I got that bit.
825
00:34:43,508 --> 00:34:46,308
- Do you or do you know
these have taken possession
826
00:34:46,308 --> 00:34:49,408
of the same young man, Lenny
Bastard's piano
827
00:34:49,408 --> 00:34:52,988
the same said piano for
the country to all uses and
828
00:34:52,988 --> 00:34:55,368
practices for your own self abuse and your
829
00:34:55,368 --> 00:34:58,228
, please?
830
00:34:58,228 --> 00:35:00,788
- I can honestly assure
you Inspector, I have no
831
00:35:00,788 --> 00:35:02,748
idea what you're talking about.
832
00:35:04,108 --> 00:35:06,186
Oh yeah,
833
00:35:06,186 --> 00:35:08,186
what I be talking about?
834
00:35:09,306 --> 00:35:13,306
- Ah, are you offering
us a holiday in Scotland?
835
00:35:14,586 --> 00:35:16,686
- I'm not offering you a
holiday in Scotland, you
836
00:35:16,686 --> 00:35:17,886
daft tit.
837
00:35:17,886 --> 00:35:19,646
Do you no understand any English?
838
00:35:19,646 --> 00:35:21,486
Where's the fucking piano?
839
00:35:22,826 --> 00:35:24,646
- What fucking piano?
840
00:35:24,646 --> 00:35:27,346
- Don't with me, Sonny.
841
00:35:27,346 --> 00:35:28,966
- I think he means piano.
842
00:35:28,966 --> 00:35:30,986
- Oh thanks for the
translatoration you upper
843
00:35:30,986 --> 00:35:33,626
tightly, upper classy
emotionally retarded twat.
844
00:35:36,704 --> 00:35:39,684
- Well, do you honestly
see any piano, Inspector?
845
00:35:39,684 --> 00:35:42,044
- Don't be so fucking clever
with Inspector McGuffin,
846
00:35:42,044 --> 00:35:43,257
son.
847
00:35:43,257 --> 00:35:44,507
From the loo...
848
00:35:45,954 --> 00:35:48,794
From the loo, I'll trouble
you no further, but I'm
849
00:35:48,794 --> 00:35:53,339
not through with you big
boy so cheerio the loo,
850
00:35:53,339 --> 00:35:57,506
my kind speckled neighbor
and when the
851
00:35:58,373 --> 00:36:02,153
bag of oatmeal, empty-handed,
852
00:36:02,153 --> 00:36:06,320
the more you know the less the better.
853
00:36:07,753 --> 00:36:10,654
Bebo bobbity,
854
00:36:22,613 --> 00:36:24,363
- What an odd person.
855
00:36:25,273 --> 00:36:28,333
Miss Schlegel are you hungry,
would you like some dinner?
856
00:36:28,333 --> 00:36:29,774
- Oh gosh, yes, I'm starving.
857
00:36:29,774 --> 00:36:31,415
- Well, let's eat tomorrow,
say at my country house
858
00:36:31,415 --> 00:36:32,248
in Norfolk.
859
00:36:32,248 --> 00:36:33,165
- Oh, okay.
860
00:36:35,112 --> 00:36:37,632
- Next day while I was on
the cart, being driven up
861
00:36:37,632 --> 00:36:40,972
to Norfolk, Emma took the
train to dine at Trevor
862
00:36:40,972 --> 00:36:42,332
Howard's End.
863
00:36:46,352 --> 00:36:48,772
- I'm just as excited as
a little girl, to be going
864
00:36:48,772 --> 00:36:51,412
off alone to visit the man of my dreams
865
00:36:51,412 --> 00:36:54,510
I was as giggly as a giddy
goose, to get away from my
866
00:36:54,510 --> 00:36:58,110
family and friends, I was
feeling so very grown up
867
00:36:58,110 --> 00:36:58,943
when--
868
00:36:58,943 --> 00:37:00,110
- Hello, Emma.
869
00:37:00,110 --> 00:37:01,310
- Reverend Whoopsie.
870
00:37:01,310 --> 00:37:02,930
- Surprise!
871
00:37:02,930 --> 00:37:04,650
- What are you doing on this train?
872
00:37:04,650 --> 00:37:07,130
- Aunt Maggie wants to
make sure you were safe.
873
00:37:07,130 --> 00:37:09,270
- Oh, I'll be perfectly
safe alone in a bedroom
874
00:37:09,270 --> 00:37:11,910
in a country cottage with
an unhappily married man.
875
00:37:12,743 --> 00:37:14,470
- Think of your reputation, dear.
876
00:37:14,470 --> 00:37:16,070
- Aunt Maggie, you're here too?
877
00:37:16,070 --> 00:37:18,530
- I love a train journey.
All the jiggling about,
878
00:37:18,530 --> 00:37:21,250
it's like the Happy Boy.
879
00:37:22,810 --> 00:37:24,030
- Is that you, Dick?
880
00:37:24,030 --> 00:37:24,910
- Hello, Emma.
881
00:37:25,743 --> 00:37:27,110
I bought me a mouth organ.
882
00:37:27,110 --> 00:37:28,930
- And I can't wait to play my piano.
883
00:37:28,930 --> 00:37:30,250
- Helena, you as well?
884
00:37:30,250 --> 00:37:32,210
- I'm so excited, I've already found three
885
00:37:32,210 --> 00:37:33,350
umbrellas on the train.
886
00:37:33,350 --> 00:37:34,190
- Give them back.
887
00:37:34,190 --> 00:37:37,210
- No, the owners got off
ages ago and we're here now.
888
00:37:38,550 --> 00:37:40,970
- Spiggy Junction, Spiggy
Junction, all change for
889
00:37:40,970 --> 00:37:44,248
Coupler's bottom, Wrigley
in the Watch, Colonel
890
00:37:44,248 --> 00:37:48,415
Strummond Duprat, Lord Dee's
Forget, Butthole's Landing,
891
00:37:50,595 --> 00:37:55,182
Downton Abbey, Upper Prostate,
892
00:37:55,182 --> 00:37:59,601
Fingley Bongley, Lower Forking,
893
00:37:59,601 --> 00:38:01,434
and Spunky Cumsnotoil.
894
00:38:03,441 --> 00:38:06,141
- Emma, welcome to Trevor Howard's End.
895
00:38:06,141 --> 00:38:08,421
- Mr. Hudson, how kind
of you to invite me.
896
00:38:08,421 --> 00:38:09,254
- Ass!
897
00:38:09,254 --> 00:38:10,087
- What?
898
00:38:10,087 --> 00:38:11,461
- Hello.
899
00:38:11,461 --> 00:38:12,401
- Hello, Mr. H.
900
00:38:12,401 --> 00:38:13,521
- Hello there.
901
00:38:13,521 --> 00:38:16,241
- Oh, I didn't expect the
bloody Spanish Inquisition.
902
00:38:28,209 --> 00:38:29,929
- No, no, neither did I.
903
00:38:29,929 --> 00:38:32,789
They insisted on chaperoning me.
904
00:38:32,789 --> 00:38:34,789
- Well, good
grief, what did they thinks
905
00:38:34,789 --> 00:38:35,622
gonna happen?
906
00:38:35,622 --> 00:38:36,889
It's not as if we're gonna
run off into the woods and
907
00:38:36,889 --> 00:38:38,449
start playing vicars and nurses.
908
00:38:38,449 --> 00:38:41,389
- No, no, I hear the
woods can be really lovely
909
00:38:41,389 --> 00:38:42,689
this time of year.
910
00:38:42,689 --> 00:38:45,029
- Especially with a pig
leg and some extra virgin
911
00:38:45,029 --> 00:38:46,389
olive oil.
912
00:38:47,409 --> 00:38:49,169
Well, look, please, all
of you, why don't you
913
00:38:49,169 --> 00:38:51,269
just go and play with the farm machinery.
914
00:38:51,269 --> 00:38:53,729
I have to go and poison some rats.
915
00:38:53,729 --> 00:38:56,329
- May I help you poison rats, Mr. Hudson?
916
00:38:56,329 --> 00:38:58,289
- Very kind of you, Emma, but it's best
917
00:38:58,289 --> 00:38:59,869
left to a man, this job.
918
00:38:59,869 --> 00:39:02,049
- What's more natural on
a Saturday afternoon than
919
00:39:02,049 --> 00:39:04,089
a good game of poisoning rats?
920
00:39:04,089 --> 00:39:05,229
Especially if you can't--
921
00:39:05,229 --> 00:39:06,109
- Well, precisely, it's very--
922
00:39:06,109 --> 00:39:06,942
- Healthy--
923
00:39:06,942 --> 00:39:07,775
- Exactly, it takes my mind off--
924
00:39:07,775 --> 00:39:08,608
- Other things--
925
00:39:08,608 --> 00:39:10,109
- Quite, otherwise mind can get very--
926
00:39:10,109 --> 00:39:10,942
- Whimsical--
927
00:39:10,942 --> 00:39:11,949
- No, regular--
928
00:39:11,949 --> 00:39:12,789
- Regime--
929
00:39:12,789 --> 00:39:14,289
- It's hard for a man to--
930
00:39:14,289 --> 00:39:15,429
- Fulfill himself--
931
00:39:15,429 --> 00:39:16,262
- Quite.
932
00:39:16,262 --> 00:39:17,929
- Mr. Hudson, may I help you finish
933
00:39:17,929 --> 00:39:19,309
your sentences this weekend?
934
00:39:19,309 --> 00:39:21,749
At the weekend dance, Miss
Schlegel, that would be
935
00:39:21,749 --> 00:39:22,582
so very, very--
936
00:39:25,289 --> 00:39:26,122
- Fuck.
937
00:39:26,122 --> 00:39:27,835
- Whatever was that?
938
00:39:27,835 --> 00:39:31,745
- It's just, it's my wife, she's dying.
939
00:39:31,745 --> 00:39:32,578
- Oh dear.
940
00:39:33,845 --> 00:39:35,525
- No need to worry, she
usually dies about this time
941
00:39:35,525 --> 00:39:36,358
of day.
942
00:39:36,358 --> 00:39:38,405
You can set your watch by it.
943
00:39:38,405 --> 00:39:39,505
It's from wisteria.
944
00:39:39,505 --> 00:39:40,338
- Hysteria?
945
00:39:40,338 --> 00:39:43,045
- No, wisteria, she's allergic to it.
946
00:39:43,045 --> 00:39:45,865
- She was touched incorrectly
in a cave in India.
947
00:39:45,865 --> 00:39:48,125
Ever since then the
sight of wisteria makes
948
00:39:48,125 --> 00:39:49,485
her wisterical.
949
00:39:51,565 --> 00:39:53,685
- You do not trust your
emotions do you, Mr. Hudson?
950
00:39:53,685 --> 00:39:55,805
- I believe emotions are
like rats, they should
951
00:39:55,805 --> 00:39:57,445
be poisoned at birth.
952
00:39:57,445 --> 00:40:00,665
- Mr. Hudson, do you know
what a hooded clitoris is?
953
00:40:01,965 --> 00:40:04,665
- Yes, it's a kind of snake with a cap on.
954
00:40:06,325 --> 00:40:08,825
- No, it is found in the vulva.
955
00:40:08,825 --> 00:40:10,565
- Ah Argentina.
956
00:40:12,905 --> 00:40:15,125
- Have you any idea what the vagina is?
957
00:40:15,125 --> 00:40:17,445
- Well, that's a river
in the Belgian Congo.
958
00:40:18,345 --> 00:40:20,245
- Oh, Mr. Hudson do not toy with me.
959
00:40:20,245 --> 00:40:22,185
My gynecologist tells
me I may never be able
960
00:40:22,185 --> 00:40:23,045
to have an emotion.
961
00:40:23,045 --> 00:40:24,845
- Do not despair, Miss
Schlegel, these days we
962
00:40:24,845 --> 00:40:26,825
can do wonderful things with the rubber.
963
00:40:28,685 --> 00:40:30,465
And now if you'll excuse me, I have to hit
964
00:40:30,465 --> 00:40:31,548
Tracey and...
965
00:40:32,848 --> 00:40:36,381
But more to the point,
my wife is dying again.
966
00:40:36,381 --> 00:40:38,821
I must go and give her sugar.
967
00:40:38,821 --> 00:40:41,161
- What a strange man
he is but I believe he
968
00:40:41,161 --> 00:40:43,501
understands me despite
his attempts to distract
969
00:40:43,501 --> 00:40:46,241
me with interesting
discourse about rat poison.
970
00:40:46,241 --> 00:40:47,121
- I can still hear you.
971
00:40:47,121 --> 00:40:48,561
- Oh, sorry.
972
00:40:51,961 --> 00:40:54,281
- Whoa there, look at that house, Ken.
973
00:40:54,281 --> 00:40:55,561
- Blimey.
974
00:40:55,561 --> 00:40:57,701
Anne fuckin' Hathaway's fucking cottage.
975
00:40:58,881 --> 00:41:00,661
- The last time I saw so
much thatch it was on a
976
00:41:00,661 --> 00:41:02,257
stripper in Belgium.
977
00:41:04,637 --> 00:41:06,857
- Hey Burt, see that bloke
lurking in the window.
978
00:41:06,857 --> 00:41:07,817
- The one watching us?
979
00:41:07,817 --> 00:41:08,777
- Yeah, do I know him?
980
00:41:08,777 --> 00:41:09,610
- Yes, Mr. Hudson.
981
00:41:09,610 --> 00:41:10,457
- He looks familiar.
982
00:41:10,457 --> 00:41:11,997
- Yeah, you saw him
yesterday when he told us
983
00:41:11,997 --> 00:41:12,937
to bring the piano here.
984
00:41:12,937 --> 00:41:13,877
- Oh yeah.
985
00:41:13,877 --> 00:41:15,077
- He thought he knew you.
986
00:41:15,077 --> 00:41:15,910
- From where?
987
00:41:15,910 --> 00:41:17,117
- He didn't say.
988
00:41:17,117 --> 00:41:17,957
- Look, Dick.
989
00:41:17,957 --> 00:41:19,157
My piano is here.
990
00:41:19,157 --> 00:41:21,357
- You're jolly fond of
that piano aren't you?
991
00:41:21,357 --> 00:41:22,577
- I love it, Dick.
992
00:41:22,577 --> 00:41:23,777
Thank you ever so.
993
00:41:23,777 --> 00:41:25,837
- Hey, you wouldn't marry me would ya?
994
00:41:25,837 --> 00:41:26,797
- What?
995
00:41:26,797 --> 00:41:28,797
- Become my awful wedded wife.
996
00:41:28,797 --> 00:41:31,617
- That's lawful, Dick,
and it's not lawful,
997
00:41:31,617 --> 00:41:32,717
we're cousins.
998
00:41:32,717 --> 00:41:34,337
- Doesn't stop the Royal family.
999
00:41:34,337 --> 00:41:36,397
- Yes but they're all bonkers.
1000
00:41:36,397 --> 00:41:39,137
- Dick, you are very beautiful
but you are a little bit--
1001
00:41:39,137 --> 00:41:39,970
- Am I, am I?
1002
00:41:39,970 --> 00:41:41,917
- Yes, yes, Dick, Just a tad.
1003
00:41:41,917 --> 00:41:44,777
I'm so sorry, I don't
care for you in that way.
1004
00:41:44,777 --> 00:41:45,997
I can't marry you.
1005
00:41:45,997 --> 00:41:48,017
- Well, nevermind, I'm gay anyway.
1006
00:41:48,850 --> 00:41:49,683
- What?
1007
00:41:49,683 --> 00:41:52,100
- He's different, that's all.
1008
00:41:55,517 --> 00:41:58,577
♫ He's different
1009
00:41:58,577 --> 00:42:00,937
♫ So very different
1010
00:42:00,937 --> 00:42:04,357
♫ Oh, very different
1011
00:42:04,357 --> 00:42:07,397
♫ In every way
1012
00:42:07,397 --> 00:42:10,877
♫ That's right, I'm different
1013
00:42:10,877 --> 00:42:14,537
♫ So very different
1014
00:42:14,537 --> 00:42:18,057
♫ Oh, very different
1015
00:42:18,057 --> 00:42:20,224
♫ Not gay
1016
00:42:21,197 --> 00:42:24,057
♫ He's not the same as other boys
1017
00:42:24,057 --> 00:42:26,657
♫ He likes to play with different toys
1018
00:42:26,657 --> 00:42:30,617
♫ I like to stay out late
and dress in fancy things
1019
00:42:30,617 --> 00:42:32,537
♫ Of course you do
1020
00:42:32,537 --> 00:42:34,937
♫ He's not the only one there's been
1021
00:42:34,937 --> 00:42:38,697
♫ I'm not the first King who is a Queen
1022
00:42:38,697 --> 00:42:40,777
♫ But it's illegal still
1023
00:42:40,777 --> 00:42:44,194
♫ So that is why we sing
1024
00:42:46,637 --> 00:42:49,997
♫ That he is different
1025
00:42:49,997 --> 00:42:52,997
♫ Oh very different
1026
00:42:54,397 --> 00:42:57,397
♫ So very different
1027
00:42:59,637 --> 00:43:03,387
♫ Not gay ♫
1028
00:43:09,737 --> 00:43:11,957
- Helena played with me all afternoon
1029
00:43:11,957 --> 00:43:14,297
tickling my ivories
with her lovely fingers.
1030
00:43:14,297 --> 00:43:16,757
I must say, she has a lovely touch.
1031
00:43:16,757 --> 00:43:18,697
Meanwhile, Whoopsie and Dick disappeared
1032
00:43:18,697 --> 00:43:20,017
into the woods.
1033
00:43:20,017 --> 00:43:22,377
Maggie and Emma went
for a walk amongst the
1034
00:43:22,377 --> 00:43:25,577
bluebells, and Hudson
busied himself poisoning
1035
00:43:25,577 --> 00:43:28,737
rats until around three when...
1036
00:43:28,737 --> 00:43:31,697
- I say, has anyone seen Dick?
1037
00:43:31,697 --> 00:43:33,197
- What about Dick?
1038
00:43:33,197 --> 00:43:34,397
- I've lost him.
1039
00:43:34,397 --> 00:43:35,657
- What?
1040
00:43:35,657 --> 00:43:37,937
- One minute we were
playing hide and seek,
1041
00:43:37,937 --> 00:43:39,857
and the next he had gone.
1042
00:43:39,857 --> 00:43:41,837
- He's probably playing a game on you.
1043
00:43:41,837 --> 00:43:43,537
- Oh, yes, of course.
1044
00:43:43,537 --> 00:43:45,737
I'm sure he'll be back for dinner.
1045
00:43:48,477 --> 00:43:50,117
- It's a lovely dinner, Mr. Hudson.
1046
00:43:50,117 --> 00:43:51,677
- The curry goat is delicious.
1047
00:43:51,677 --> 00:43:54,037
- Yes, it's something my
wife picked up in India.
1048
00:43:54,037 --> 00:43:55,097
- How is your wife?
1049
00:43:55,097 --> 00:43:56,737
- Oh, still off her tits.
1050
00:43:57,977 --> 00:44:00,277
- Still no sign of Dick,
it's very worrying.
1051
00:44:00,277 --> 00:44:02,157
- Perhaps we should call the police.
1052
00:44:02,157 --> 00:44:03,637
- Too late, we're here.
1053
00:44:07,510 --> 00:44:08,343
- Oh shit.
1054
00:44:10,935 --> 00:44:12,855
- My piano, um I'm sorry Inspector,
1055
00:44:12,855 --> 00:44:14,815
you can't come in here,
we're having dinner.
1056
00:44:14,815 --> 00:44:16,855
- I'm warning ya's, all of
ya's, every single one of
1057
00:44:16,855 --> 00:44:19,355
you toffee-nosed gits,
sittin' round with your chips,
1058
00:44:19,355 --> 00:44:22,175
listening to your Chopin
and your Beethoven, after
1059
00:44:22,175 --> 00:44:24,955
your suppers we have kippers
and lungs and requiche.
1060
00:44:24,955 --> 00:44:28,635
Listen that
frame my lips and mouth and
1061
00:44:28,635 --> 00:44:32,575
drop a little rain,
falling from the gland that
1062
00:44:32,575 --> 00:44:36,555
softly quells the glistening
buns and rivulets and
1063
00:44:36,555 --> 00:44:38,805
streams of Bonnie Scotland.
1064
00:44:42,035 --> 00:44:44,195
- Is this something about a holiday?
1065
00:44:44,195 --> 00:44:46,475
- You've not won a
holiday, you stupid gits,
1066
00:44:46,475 --> 00:44:49,395
we're tickety boom, may I
ask who owns this piano?
1067
00:44:49,395 --> 00:44:51,175
- Oh, that's mine.
1068
00:44:51,175 --> 00:44:53,555
- Oh, is that right?
1069
00:44:53,555 --> 00:44:54,975
It's your piano?
1070
00:44:54,975 --> 00:44:56,755
- Been in the family for
years, matter of fact,
1071
00:44:56,755 --> 00:44:57,595
belongs to my wife.
1072
00:44:57,595 --> 00:44:59,195
- Your wife's as mad as a hatter, coo coo,
1073
00:44:59,195 --> 00:45:00,415
bonkers.
1074
00:45:00,415 --> 00:45:02,055
She hasn't got a piano.
1075
00:45:02,055 --> 00:45:04,875
This piano was stolen
from Leonard Bastard.
1076
00:45:04,875 --> 00:45:08,215
- No, no, Inspector,
you are mistaken, that's
1077
00:45:08,215 --> 00:45:10,675
his Helena's piano, I give it her.
1078
00:45:10,675 --> 00:45:12,555
- Leonard Bastard, what
are you doing here,
1079
00:45:12,555 --> 00:45:16,055
just in time to confirm
a most unlikely story?
1080
00:45:16,055 --> 00:45:17,555
- I come here to thank
you for getting me the
1081
00:45:17,555 --> 00:45:19,595
job with Mr. Hudson and
to give you the piano
1082
00:45:19,595 --> 00:45:20,915
you love so much.
1083
00:45:20,915 --> 00:45:22,215
- How on earth did you get here?
1084
00:45:22,215 --> 00:45:23,155
- I walked.
1085
00:45:23,155 --> 00:45:24,815
- All the way from Houndsditch?
1086
00:45:24,815 --> 00:45:25,858
- Yes.
1087
00:45:25,858 --> 00:45:26,983
- But that's a hundred miles.
1088
00:45:26,983 --> 00:45:27,816
- Yes.
1089
00:45:27,816 --> 00:45:29,133
- Would you like a glass of water?
1090
00:45:29,133 --> 00:45:31,033
- Seeing you is refreshment enough for me.
1091
00:45:31,033 --> 00:45:33,293
- Oh golly gosh, blush, blush, blush.
1092
00:45:33,293 --> 00:45:36,713
- So you see Inspector,
it is Helena's piano.
1093
00:45:36,713 --> 00:45:41,015
- How very touching, it
reminds me of a wee ballad
1094
00:45:41,015 --> 00:45:44,598
from my childhood,
called The Lonely Trout.
1095
00:45:48,606 --> 00:45:52,773
♫ From the heelan hills
and rills o bonnie Scotland
1096
00:45:55,029 --> 00:45:59,196
♫ Fra the bogs and fogs
and soggy lochs and braes
1097
00:46:01,809 --> 00:46:05,976
♫ From the moontin tops where
lonely jocks drink whiskey
1098
00:46:08,069 --> 00:46:12,236
♫ To the dingy pond wherein
the lone trout plays.
1099
00:46:15,149 --> 00:46:19,316
♫ There was once a laddie
wandered wi his lassie
1100
00:46:22,129 --> 00:46:26,296
♫ When she told him that
her love for him was dead.
1101
00:46:28,869 --> 00:46:32,489
♫ As she left this lonely boy
1102
00:46:32,489 --> 00:46:36,389
♫ Who’d now lost his only joy
1103
00:46:36,389 --> 00:46:40,556
♫ The trout raised his head
and this is what he said
1104
00:46:44,569 --> 00:46:47,609
♫ O rum ti tumti
1105
00:46:47,609 --> 00:46:48,709
♫ TTckle yer monkey
1106
00:46:48,709 --> 00:46:50,109
♫ Tickle di didle doo
1107
00:46:50,109 --> 00:46:51,169
♫ Rumpy pumpy
1108
00:46:51,169 --> 00:46:52,269
♫ Humpty dumpty
1109
00:46:52,269 --> 00:46:54,369
♫ Tickle yer tivey too
1110
00:46:54,369 --> 00:46:55,429
♫ Oh hankie pankie
1111
00:46:55,429 --> 00:46:56,409
♫ Winkie wankie
1112
00:46:56,409 --> 00:46:58,369
♫ Diddle de didle doo
1113
00:46:58,369 --> 00:46:59,409
♫ Rinky dinky
1114
00:46:59,409 --> 00:47:00,409
♫ Tiddley winky
1115
00:47:00,409 --> 00:47:02,469
♫ Nicky nacky noo
1116
00:47:02,469 --> 00:47:05,252
♫ the noo the noo the noo the noo the noo
1117
00:47:05,252 --> 00:47:06,634
♫ O Winkie wankie
1118
00:47:06,634 --> 00:47:08,187
♫ Nickety nackety
1119
00:47:08,187 --> 00:47:09,708
♫ Sings the lonely trout
1120
00:47:09,708 --> 00:47:10,768
♫ Tiggly wiggly
1121
00:47:10,768 --> 00:47:11,787
♫ Higgly piggly
1122
00:47:11,787 --> 00:47:13,768
♫ What is life about?
1123
00:47:13,768 --> 00:47:14,687
♫ Mickety pickety
1124
00:47:14,687 --> 00:47:15,727
♫ Wickety lickety
1125
00:47:15,727 --> 00:47:17,427
♫ She was just a slut
1126
00:47:17,427 --> 00:47:19,587
♫ Find yourself another lass
1127
00:47:19,587 --> 00:47:22,027
♫ A nicer piece of butt.
1128
00:47:22,027 --> 00:47:23,127
♫ Oh packety wackety
1129
00:47:23,127 --> 00:47:24,187
♫ Nickety nackety
1130
00:47:24,187 --> 00:47:25,948
♫ Sings the lonely trout
1131
00:47:25,948 --> 00:47:27,107
♫ Splickety wickety
1132
00:47:27,107 --> 00:47:28,227
♫ Pickety nickety
1133
00:47:28,227 --> 00:47:30,287
♫ What is life about?
1134
00:47:30,287 --> 00:47:31,367
♫ Shackety mackety
1135
00:47:31,367 --> 00:47:32,547
♫ Thwackety crackety
1136
00:47:32,547 --> 00:47:34,347
♫ She was just a slut
1137
00:47:34,347 --> 00:47:36,287
♫ Find yourself another lass
1138
00:47:36,287 --> 00:47:38,925
♫ A nicer piece of butt.
1139
00:47:38,925 --> 00:47:40,026
♫ Splickety wickety
1140
00:47:40,026 --> 00:47:41,045
♫ Pickety nickety
1141
00:47:41,045 --> 00:47:42,785
♫ What is life about
1142
00:47:42,785 --> 00:47:44,025
♫ Shackety mackety
1143
00:47:44,025 --> 00:47:45,186
♫ Thwackety crackety
1144
00:47:45,186 --> 00:47:46,886
♫ What is life about?
1145
00:47:46,886 --> 00:47:48,373
♫ Shackety mackety
1146
00:47:48,373 --> 00:47:49,533
♫ Thwackety crackety
1147
00:47:49,533 --> 00:47:51,413
♫ She was just a slut
1148
00:47:51,413 --> 00:47:53,031
♫ Find yourself another lass
1149
00:47:53,031 --> 00:47:55,329
♫ A nicer piece of butt.
1150
00:47:55,329 --> 00:47:56,549
♫ Oh packety wackety
1151
00:47:56,549 --> 00:47:57,529
♫ Nickety nackety
1152
00:47:57,529 --> 00:47:59,089
♫ Sings the lonely trout
1153
00:47:59,089 --> 00:48:00,229
♫ Splickety wickety
1154
00:48:00,229 --> 00:48:01,269
♫ Pickety nickety
1155
00:48:01,269 --> 00:48:02,709
♫ What is life about?
1156
00:48:02,709 --> 00:48:03,829
♫ Shackety mackety
1157
00:48:03,829 --> 00:48:04,969
♫ Thwackety crackety
1158
00:48:04,969 --> 00:48:06,409
♫S he was just a slut
1159
00:48:06,409 --> 00:48:08,009
♫ Find yourself another lass
1160
00:48:08,009 --> 00:48:09,569
♫ A nicer piece of butt.
1161
00:48:09,569 --> 00:48:10,949
♫ Oh, packety wackety
1162
00:48:10,949 --> 00:48:12,189
♫ Nickety nackety
1163
00:48:12,189 --> 00:48:13,689
♫ Sings the lonely trout ♫
1164
00:48:13,689 --> 00:48:17,129
- I think that's quite
enough of that, Inspector.
1165
00:48:17,129 --> 00:48:19,269
I said come on, off, off, come on, you.
1166
00:48:19,269 --> 00:48:22,849
Off, off, off, take your boobs with you.
1167
00:48:24,349 --> 00:48:25,989
And what about Dick?
1168
00:48:25,989 --> 00:48:28,469
- I completely forgot about wee Dickie.
1169
00:48:28,469 --> 00:48:30,049
- My nephew is missing.
1170
00:48:30,049 --> 00:48:31,409
- No he's not.
1171
00:48:31,409 --> 00:48:33,089
- Oh you found Dick.
1172
00:48:33,089 --> 00:48:34,409
Oh thank heaven.
1173
00:48:34,409 --> 00:48:36,649
- Oh, shut your dribble,
you big.
1174
00:48:36,649 --> 00:48:39,869
You're a disgrace to the
We Free course frolicking
1175
00:48:39,869 --> 00:48:44,036
about in pines with naked
laddies beneath.
1176
00:48:49,978 --> 00:48:53,942
We have indeed found him
and he told me a joke.
1177
00:48:53,942 --> 00:48:55,702
We found him in the woods.
1178
00:48:55,702 --> 00:48:57,302
- In the woods, is he dead?
1179
00:48:57,302 --> 00:49:00,261
- Not quite but severely blootered.
1180
00:49:00,261 --> 00:49:02,542
He was attacked by some hungry vampire who
1181
00:49:02,542 --> 00:49:05,362
tried to eat him all up
and do him like a dinner.
1182
00:49:05,362 --> 00:49:06,942
- Great Scott!
1183
00:49:09,922 --> 00:49:10,922
- Thank you.
1184
00:49:15,102 --> 00:49:17,262
- But who would want to harm Dick?
1185
00:49:17,262 --> 00:49:20,362
- Somebody who wanted to shut his face.
1186
00:49:20,362 --> 00:49:23,262
- But Dick knows nothing about everything.
1187
00:49:23,262 --> 00:49:27,179
- Do you know we have a
wee saying in Scotland,
1188
00:49:30,542 --> 00:49:34,542
we men in the nuts.
1189
00:49:37,002 --> 00:49:40,822
- One can only imagine what that means.
1190
00:49:40,822 --> 00:49:43,022
- Sometimes the things
we don't know are the
1191
00:49:43,022 --> 00:49:45,722
unknown knowns that we
don't know we think we know
1192
00:49:45,722 --> 00:49:47,481
but others think we do.
1193
00:49:49,922 --> 00:49:53,062
- Well, that's easy for
you to say, Inspector.
1194
00:49:53,062 --> 00:49:55,282
But it is idle to
speculate, since Dick can
1195
00:49:55,282 --> 00:49:56,602
no longer speak.
1196
00:49:56,602 --> 00:49:58,822
- I have an Indian
gentleman who specializes
1197
00:49:58,822 --> 00:50:00,882
recovering memories by the name of
1198
00:50:00,882 --> 00:50:03,549
Deepak Rushdie Obi Ben Kingsley.
1199
00:50:04,422 --> 00:50:06,502
Perhaps wee Dickie
might remember something
1200
00:50:06,502 --> 00:50:08,222
when he comes out of his coma.
1201
00:50:08,222 --> 00:50:09,682
- But when will he wake up?
1202
00:50:09,682 --> 00:50:13,502
- Who knows, a few weeks,
a few months, a few
1203
00:50:13,502 --> 00:50:15,682
years per chance.
1204
00:50:15,682 --> 00:50:17,902
- Years, but whatever shall we do?
1205
00:50:17,902 --> 00:50:20,735
- We must all go to Italy at once.
1206
00:50:22,985 --> 00:50:25,038
♫ To Italy
1207
00:50:25,038 --> 00:50:25,871
♫ To Italy
1208
00:50:25,871 --> 00:50:27,558
♫ Oh yes, let's go to Italy
1209
00:50:27,558 --> 00:50:29,278
♫ Where painters paint so prettily
1210
00:50:29,278 --> 00:50:30,494
♫ On ceilings there
1211
00:50:30,494 --> 00:50:33,074
♫ Where everyone talks wittily
1212
00:50:33,074 --> 00:50:35,014
♫ And no one argues bitterly
1213
00:50:35,014 --> 00:50:39,034
♫ And we'll free to really
have some feelings there
1214
00:50:39,034 --> 00:50:40,814
♫ Let's leave the soggy English rain
1215
00:50:40,814 --> 00:50:42,394
♫ And go to Italy by train
1216
00:50:42,394 --> 00:50:46,194
♫ To visit Florence,
Venice and then Rome again
1217
00:50:46,194 --> 00:50:48,174
♫ We'll wine and dine 'til we are sick
1218
00:50:48,174 --> 00:50:50,334
♫ And we won't have to think of Dick
1219
00:50:50,334 --> 00:50:53,614
♫ At least until we
finally come home again
1220
00:50:53,614 --> 00:50:56,374
♫ Italia
1221
00:50:56,374 --> 00:51:00,541
♫ La, la la, la la, la
la, la la, la la, la
1222
00:51:01,934 --> 00:51:04,714
♫ Italia
1223
00:51:04,714 --> 00:51:08,881
♫ Ya, ya ya, ya ya, ya
ya, ya ya, ya ya, ya
1224
00:51:10,734 --> 00:51:12,734
♫ No, I cannot stand Italians
1225
00:51:12,734 --> 00:51:14,734
♫ They wear the gold medallions
1226
00:51:14,734 --> 00:51:16,594
♫ And act like bloody stallions
1227
00:51:16,594 --> 00:51:18,694
♫ All the waiters there
1228
00:51:18,694 --> 00:51:20,374
♫ Telly, telly, dirty telly
1229
00:51:20,374 --> 00:51:22,614
♫ It all gets on my nelly
1230
00:51:22,614 --> 00:51:24,074
♫ As far as I'm concerned
1231
00:51:24,074 --> 00:51:26,414
♫ They're pasterbators there
1232
00:51:26,414 --> 00:51:29,014
♫ Italia
1233
00:51:29,014 --> 00:51:33,181
♫ La, la la, la la, la
la, la la, la la, la
1234
00:51:34,774 --> 00:51:37,534
♫ Italia
1235
00:51:37,534 --> 00:51:41,701
♫ Ya, ya ya, ya ya, ya
ya, ya ya, ya ya, ya
1236
00:51:43,834 --> 00:51:45,494
♫ Italian men are gorgeous
1237
00:51:45,494 --> 00:51:47,414
♫ If you don't include the Borgias
1238
00:51:47,414 --> 00:51:49,434
♫ For they make me slightly nauseous
1239
00:51:49,434 --> 00:51:51,194
♫ When I read of them
1240
00:51:51,194 --> 00:51:52,854
♫ Romeo's and Cinderella's
1241
00:51:52,854 --> 00:51:54,894
♫ Say buon giorno and ciao bella
1242
00:51:54,894 --> 00:51:56,514
♫ And they have umbrella's
1243
00:51:56,514 --> 00:51:58,634
♫ Should I feel the need of them
1244
00:51:58,634 --> 00:52:01,134
♫ Italia
1245
00:52:01,134 --> 00:52:05,301
♫ La, la la, la la, la
la, la la, la la, la
1246
00:52:06,814 --> 00:52:08,897
♫ Italia
1247
00:52:09,974 --> 00:52:14,141
♫ Ya, ya ya, ya ya, ya
ya, ya ya, ya ya, ya
1248
00:52:16,014 --> 00:52:17,694
♫ Rome was not built in a day
1249
00:52:17,694 --> 00:52:19,794
♫ Though actually it looks that way
1250
00:52:19,794 --> 00:52:21,694
♫ The Roman Empire, of course
1251
00:52:21,694 --> 00:52:23,454
♫ Was the power there
1252
00:52:23,454 --> 00:52:25,294
♫ There's a geezer came from Pisa
1253
00:52:25,294 --> 00:52:27,194
♫ By the name of Julius Caesar
1254
00:52:27,194 --> 00:52:28,394
♫ He was a little bent
1255
00:52:28,394 --> 00:52:31,054
♫ But then, so is the tower there
1256
00:52:31,054 --> 00:52:33,294
♫ Italia
1257
00:52:33,294 --> 00:52:37,461
♫ La, la la, la la, la
la, la la, la la, la
1258
00:52:38,814 --> 00:52:40,897
♫ Italia
1259
00:52:41,814 --> 00:52:45,981
♫ Ya, ya ya, ya ya, ya
ya, ya ya, ya ya, ya
1260
00:52:47,654 --> 00:52:50,414
♫ Italia
1261
00:52:50,414 --> 00:52:54,581
♫ La, la la, la la, la
la, la la, la la, la
1262
00:52:56,274 --> 00:52:59,034
♫ Italia
1263
00:52:59,034 --> 00:53:03,201
♫ Ya, ya ya, ya ya, ya
ya, ya ya, ya ya, ya ♫
1264
00:53:15,214 --> 00:53:16,994
- I was on the move again.
1265
00:53:16,994 --> 00:53:19,254
This time to Italy where English people go
1266
00:53:19,254 --> 00:53:20,671
to have emotions.
1267
00:53:21,954 --> 00:53:24,474
Consequently, Emma remained behind.
1268
00:53:24,474 --> 00:53:27,214
Meanwhile, the party arrived in Florence.
1269
00:53:31,154 --> 00:53:34,334
The traveling party arrived in Florence.
1270
00:53:34,334 --> 00:53:35,814
- Sorry.
1271
00:53:35,814 --> 00:53:38,214
- What joy to be in
Italy with these friendly
1272
00:53:38,214 --> 00:53:41,464
men and their encouragingly lax morals.
1273
00:53:42,574 --> 00:53:44,814
- Aunt Maggie, why is
that statue not wearing
1274
00:53:44,814 --> 00:53:46,014
any underpants?
1275
00:53:46,014 --> 00:53:48,294
- I suppose because it's
so terribly hot dear.
1276
00:53:48,294 --> 00:53:50,234
- Amd what is that little thing?
1277
00:53:50,234 --> 00:53:53,134
- Well, it's an umbrella symbol.
1278
00:53:53,134 --> 00:53:56,551
Oh, here we are, the Pensione Berlusconi.
1279
00:53:58,094 --> 00:54:00,654
- Buon giorno, Signore.
1280
00:54:00,654 --> 00:54:03,987
- Bunga bunga, Signor pederasty Inglesi.
1281
00:54:06,394 --> 00:54:09,614
- Oh, Signor Berlusconi,
how nice to see you.
1282
00:54:09,614 --> 00:54:12,374
- Ah, Signora De Clepa Inglesi.
1283
00:54:12,374 --> 00:54:15,614
I have reserved for you and your niece,
1284
00:54:15,614 --> 00:54:17,281
a room with no view.
1285
00:54:19,674 --> 00:54:21,174
- Thank you so much, dear.
1286
00:54:21,174 --> 00:54:23,507
Helena is allergic to views.
1287
00:54:24,374 --> 00:54:26,554
- Particularly right wing views.
1288
00:54:26,554 --> 00:54:30,374
- Well, welcome to
Pensione where emotionally
1289
00:54:30,374 --> 00:54:32,874
repressed English people
can learn to enjoy
1290
00:54:32,874 --> 00:54:34,374
themselves.
1291
00:54:34,374 --> 00:54:37,974
How to chew the pizza, how
to nibble on the pasta,
1292
00:54:37,974 --> 00:54:40,414
how to swallow salami--
1293
00:54:40,414 --> 00:54:44,014
- Yes, yes, I think that's quite enough
1294
00:54:44,014 --> 00:54:47,174
single entendre's for now, Signor.
1295
00:54:47,174 --> 00:54:49,794
Come on, Helena, let's
freshen up while they
1296
00:54:49,794 --> 00:54:51,377
unload our baggage.
1297
00:54:52,214 --> 00:54:53,874
- Blimey!
1298
00:54:53,874 --> 00:54:55,554
Look at that statue, Ken.
1299
00:54:55,554 --> 00:54:57,694
- That bloke's not wearing any underpants.
1300
00:54:57,694 --> 00:54:59,454
- That's Michaelangelo's David.
1301
00:54:59,454 --> 00:55:01,194
- Michaelangelo's dick, more like.
1302
00:55:01,194 --> 00:55:02,274
- Yeah.
1303
00:55:02,274 --> 00:55:04,194
Scusi, Signore.
1304
00:55:04,194 --> 00:55:05,894
- Yeah, delivery's are around the back.
1305
00:55:05,894 --> 00:55:06,734
- Oh, charming.
1306
00:55:06,734 --> 00:55:08,674
- You bloody Italians,
should be ashamed of
1307
00:55:08,674 --> 00:55:10,634
yourselves, all these naked statues.
1308
00:55:10,634 --> 00:55:13,194
Have you Italians never
heard of underpants?
1309
00:55:48,294 --> 00:55:50,654
- What's he saying?
1310
00:55:50,654 --> 00:55:52,974
- He says you condescending
English bastards,
1311
00:55:52,974 --> 00:55:55,174
I invite you to pull your
foreskin over your heads
1312
00:55:55,174 --> 00:55:58,974
and give yourself an
enema with a wine bottle.
1313
00:55:58,974 --> 00:56:01,554
May you sleep in sheep shit
and your sphincter become
1314
00:56:01,554 --> 00:56:04,094
a highway for Australian rugby players.
1315
00:56:07,654 --> 00:56:09,954
- Blimey, I never knew you spoke Italian.
1316
00:56:09,954 --> 00:56:13,094
- I learned it on the train.
1317
00:56:13,094 --> 00:56:14,814
- What is it you two idiots want?
1318
00:56:14,814 --> 00:56:16,754
- Oy, don't you get lippy with us, mate.
1319
00:56:16,754 --> 00:56:18,074
Who do you think you are?
1320
00:56:18,074 --> 00:56:20,054
- You arrogant, English pigs.
1321
00:56:20,054 --> 00:56:21,854
You come from a miserable island,
1322
00:56:21,854 --> 00:56:25,694
it rains every day where
the men are pederasts
1323
00:56:25,694 --> 00:56:28,554
and the women are frozen
from the waist down.
1324
00:56:28,554 --> 00:56:32,721
You have no cheese, you
have no wine, no olive oil,
1325
00:56:33,754 --> 00:56:35,714
no garlic, you cannot
play football and your
1326
00:56:35,714 --> 00:56:37,734
music is all poo.
1327
00:56:39,194 --> 00:56:41,494
- Oh yeah, yeah well,
that's where you're wrong,
1328
00:56:41,494 --> 00:56:43,754
Mister, ice cream selling
bloody fascist wop.
1329
00:56:43,754 --> 00:56:46,774
Cause we have brought a piano
for Miss Helena to play.
1330
00:56:46,774 --> 00:56:47,607
- What?
1331
00:56:47,607 --> 00:56:49,834
The bella signorina with
the lovely swishy hair?
1332
00:56:49,834 --> 00:56:50,954
- That's the one.
1333
00:56:50,954 --> 00:56:55,394
- Well, oh, mi apologia,
I invite you to stay,
1334
00:56:55,394 --> 00:56:58,014
for dinner and anal sex.
1335
00:57:10,174 --> 00:57:11,007
- Ken?
1336
00:57:15,734 --> 00:57:16,834
- Dinner would be nice.
1337
00:57:16,834 --> 00:57:17,667
- Yeah.
1338
00:57:20,044 --> 00:57:21,734
- Oh, I am so very happy.
1339
00:57:21,734 --> 00:57:24,067
At last I have my own piano.
1340
00:57:29,034 --> 00:57:31,894
♫ One day some lovely fellas
1341
00:57:31,894 --> 00:57:34,394
♫ Going too show me his umbrella
1342
00:57:34,394 --> 00:57:36,074
♫ But until that day
1343
00:57:36,074 --> 00:57:39,914
♫ Ill play upon my pi-an-o
1344
00:57:39,914 --> 00:57:41,254
♫ If he's jealous
1345
00:57:41,254 --> 00:57:42,494
♫ Of the fellas
1346
00:57:42,494 --> 00:57:44,914
♫ Who have shown me their umbrellas
1347
00:57:44,914 --> 00:57:46,754
♫ He'll be happy when I let him
1348
00:57:46,754 --> 00:57:50,054
♫ Touch my pi-an-o
1349
00:57:50,054 --> 00:57:51,934
♫ My Pi-an-o
1350
00:57:51,934 --> 00:57:54,174
♫ My pi-an-o
1351
00:57:54,174 --> 00:57:56,374
♫ It's such a lovely instrument
1352
00:57:56,374 --> 00:57:58,574
♫ And I really love it so
1353
00:57:58,574 --> 00:58:00,894
♫ My pi-an-o
1354
00:58:00,894 --> 00:58:03,454
♫ My pi-an-o
1355
00:58:03,454 --> 00:58:04,974
♫ Who wouldn't like to play
1356
00:58:04,974 --> 00:58:07,807
♫ Upon my pi-an-o
1357
00:58:09,454 --> 00:58:11,914
♫ From Florence down to Napoli
1358
00:58:11,914 --> 00:58:14,314
♫ The men behave unhappily
1359
00:58:14,314 --> 00:58:19,034
♫ If they can't get a
glimpse of my sweet pi-an-o
1360
00:58:19,034 --> 00:58:21,494
♫ The Frenchmen and the Dutchmen
1361
00:58:21,494 --> 00:58:23,154
♫ Always shout and yell
1362
00:58:23,154 --> 00:58:24,314
♫ How much then
1363
00:58:24,314 --> 00:58:26,274
♫ But I won't let them touch me
1364
00:58:26,274 --> 00:58:29,734
♫ Like my pi-an-o
1365
00:58:29,734 --> 00:58:31,674
♫ My pi-an-o
1366
00:58:31,674 --> 00:58:34,334
♫ My pi-an-o
1367
00:58:34,334 --> 00:58:36,354
♫ Tickling the ivories
1368
00:58:36,354 --> 00:58:38,674
♫ I really love it so
1369
00:58:38,674 --> 00:58:40,780
♫ My pi-an-o
1370
00:58:40,780 --> 00:58:43,500
♫ I so adore
1371
00:58:43,500 --> 00:58:45,760
♫ I'll play with it all night and day
1372
00:58:45,760 --> 00:58:48,840
♫ Until I get too sore ♫
1373
00:58:56,900 --> 00:58:58,920
♫ Her pi-an-o
1374
00:58:58,920 --> 00:59:01,360
♫ Her pi-an-o
1375
00:59:01,360 --> 00:59:03,060
♫ Who wouldn't like a go
1376
00:59:03,060 --> 00:59:05,880
♫ Upon her piano
1377
00:59:05,880 --> 00:59:07,880
♫ The British upper classes
1378
00:59:07,880 --> 00:59:09,900
♫ Can all shove it up their asses
1379
00:59:09,900 --> 00:59:12,080
♫ For the poor and struggling masses
1380
00:59:12,080 --> 00:59:14,660
♫ Have no pi-an-o ♫
1381
00:59:17,820 --> 00:59:19,960
- What a lucky, lucky old piano
1382
00:59:19,960 --> 00:59:21,420
- Leonard Bastard.
1383
00:59:21,420 --> 00:59:23,220
What on earth are you doing in Italy?
1384
00:59:23,220 --> 00:59:24,053
- I walked.
1385
00:59:24,053 --> 00:59:26,675
- But, that's almost 900 miles.
1386
00:59:26,675 --> 00:59:28,008
- 903, actually.
1387
00:59:29,578 --> 00:59:30,578
- Is your wife here?
1388
00:59:30,578 --> 00:59:32,318
- No, she couldn't get away.
1389
00:59:32,318 --> 00:59:33,318
- You tied her up.
1390
00:59:33,318 --> 00:59:36,238
- No, she's helping McGuffin
with his Dick problem.
1391
00:59:36,238 --> 00:59:37,098
- How?
1392
00:59:37,098 --> 00:59:39,178
- Well, she's a professional ass reader
1393
00:59:39,178 --> 00:59:41,038
and she has some information that may be
1394
00:59:41,038 --> 00:59:42,378
helpful to the police.
1395
00:59:42,378 --> 00:59:43,898
- Oh gosh, really?
1396
00:59:43,898 --> 00:59:45,578
I have judged her too harshly as a
1397
00:59:45,578 --> 00:59:47,178
worthless slut who trapped you into an
1398
00:59:47,178 --> 00:59:48,238
unhappy marriage.
1399
00:59:48,238 --> 00:59:49,071
- No, no.
1400
00:59:49,071 --> 00:59:50,638
She is a worthless slut who trapped me
1401
00:59:50,638 --> 00:59:52,158
into an unhappy marriage but she is a very
1402
00:59:52,158 --> 00:59:53,998
fine ass reader.
1403
00:59:53,998 --> 00:59:57,438
- Leonard, I have been less
than generous with you.
1404
00:59:57,438 --> 00:59:59,678
I want you to play with me.
1405
00:59:59,678 --> 01:00:00,511
- What?
1406
01:00:00,511 --> 01:00:01,344
- On the piano.
1407
01:00:01,344 --> 01:00:02,177
- When?
1408
01:00:02,177 --> 01:00:03,010
- Right now.
1409
01:00:03,010 --> 01:00:04,318
- Let's go.
1410
01:00:10,038 --> 01:00:11,218
- Oh, good grief.
1411
01:00:11,218 --> 01:00:12,658
Close your eyes Mr. Whoopsie.
1412
01:00:12,658 --> 01:00:13,818
You're a clergyman.
1413
01:00:13,818 --> 01:00:15,298
- What is going on?
1414
01:00:15,298 --> 01:00:17,138
- Helena is playing a piano in public with
1415
01:00:17,138 --> 01:00:19,498
a mad man of The Working Classes.
1416
01:00:19,498 --> 01:00:21,223
- How shameful!
1417
01:00:21,223 --> 01:00:23,056
Unprotected Beethoven.
1418
01:00:25,856 --> 01:00:27,496
- Whatever are we to do?
1419
01:00:27,496 --> 01:00:30,536
- Russell brothers, pick up the piano.
1420
01:00:30,536 --> 01:00:32,716
We must all go home at once.
1421
01:00:34,296 --> 01:00:35,296
- Who is it?
1422
01:00:37,466 --> 01:00:39,792
- Open the door, Emma.
1423
01:00:39,792 --> 01:00:41,752
I must see you at once.
1424
01:00:41,752 --> 01:00:43,552
- Hang on a minute.
1425
01:01:06,952 --> 01:01:08,732
Why, Mr. Hudson.
1426
01:01:08,732 --> 01:01:10,012
- Thank God, you're here.
1427
01:01:10,012 --> 01:01:12,654
- Mr. Hudson, you're in
a state of some emotion.
1428
01:01:12,654 --> 01:01:13,710
- I'm sorry, these are new trousers,
1429
01:01:13,710 --> 01:01:15,690
just breaking them in for a friend.
1430
01:01:16,523 --> 01:01:18,130
- What are you doing in a house, alone,
1431
01:01:18,130 --> 01:01:19,670
with a woman whose Aunt
and Sister have not
1432
01:01:19,670 --> 01:01:21,690
yet returned from Italy
and with no one around to
1433
01:01:21,690 --> 01:01:23,630
notice if you were to
accidentally slip upstairs
1434
01:01:23,630 --> 01:01:24,530
with a hair brush?
1435
01:01:24,530 --> 01:01:26,670
- No, I have something
terribly serious to tell you.
1436
01:01:26,670 --> 01:01:28,010
My wife is dead.
1437
01:01:28,010 --> 01:01:29,070
- For real?
1438
01:01:29,070 --> 01:01:29,990
- Yeah.
1439
01:01:29,990 --> 01:01:31,230
- How did she die?
1440
01:01:31,230 --> 01:01:34,790
- An unfortunate brush with rat poison.
1441
01:01:36,090 --> 01:01:37,630
She apparently mistook it for sugar.
1442
01:01:37,630 --> 01:01:38,550
- It's easily done.
1443
01:01:38,550 --> 01:01:39,470
- I blame myself.
1444
01:01:39,470 --> 01:01:41,370
- Oh, it could happen to
anyone with an unwanted wife.
1445
01:01:41,370 --> 01:01:42,510
- I wasn't there, you see.
1446
01:01:42,510 --> 01:01:43,470
I was in Manchester.
1447
01:01:43,470 --> 01:01:44,610
It was a rubber thing.
1448
01:01:44,610 --> 01:01:46,070
- A perfectly reasonable alibis.
1449
01:01:46,070 --> 01:01:47,930
- Yes, the police suspect foul play.
1450
01:01:47,930 --> 01:01:49,850
They think the same man who had done it to
1451
01:01:49,850 --> 01:01:51,630
Dick has gone and done it to her.
1452
01:01:51,630 --> 01:01:53,510
I'm sorry, I seem to have lost control
1453
01:01:53,510 --> 01:01:54,730
of my tongue.
1454
01:01:55,830 --> 01:01:57,210
- Am I making you nervous?
1455
01:01:57,210 --> 01:01:58,850
- Standing in the
doorway in a nightie with
1456
01:01:58,850 --> 01:02:02,850
a light behind you, nervous
isn't quite the word.
1457
01:02:02,850 --> 01:02:03,890
- I know what you'd like.
1458
01:02:03,890 --> 01:02:04,723
- Really?
1459
01:02:04,723 --> 01:02:05,730
- A nice cup of tea.
1460
01:02:11,390 --> 01:02:12,807
- Uh, it's close.
1461
01:02:16,130 --> 01:02:17,750
- Oh I love the way he
stares at me when we're
1462
01:02:17,750 --> 01:02:18,583
making tea.
1463
01:02:18,583 --> 01:02:19,770
I know exactly what he's thinking.
1464
01:02:19,770 --> 01:02:21,350
- I know exactly what I'm thinking.
1465
01:02:21,350 --> 01:02:22,290
- He can read me like a book.
1466
01:02:22,290 --> 01:02:23,250
- I can read her like a book.
1467
01:02:23,250 --> 01:02:24,450
- The Big Boy's Book of Fairies.
1468
01:02:24,450 --> 01:02:25,890
- 107 nasty positions to do it.
1469
01:02:25,890 --> 01:02:27,870
- He seems to know exactly what I'd like.
1470
01:02:27,870 --> 01:02:29,510
- I know exactly what she'd like.
1471
01:02:29,510 --> 01:02:30,990
- I'd like to play tiddlywinks.
1472
01:02:30,990 --> 01:02:32,130
- She wants to be shagged senseless.
1473
01:02:32,130 --> 01:02:33,930
- Then supper at the Ritz
and afterwards, dancing.
1474
01:02:33,930 --> 01:02:36,110
- Then up to the bathroom
for a good scrubbing.
1475
01:02:36,110 --> 01:02:36,943
- What?
1476
01:02:36,943 --> 01:02:38,470
- With a stiff Loofah
rag and scrubbing with
1477
01:02:38,470 --> 01:02:40,710
a soapy tub of water til
she blushes naked all
1478
01:02:40,710 --> 01:02:42,450
over with that pale, delicate skin.
1479
01:02:42,450 --> 01:02:43,310
- Good heavens.
1480
01:02:43,310 --> 01:02:44,637
- I wanna kiss your warm, soapy buttocks,
1481
01:02:44,637 --> 01:02:45,470
- Oh!
1482
01:02:45,470 --> 01:02:46,553
- probing deeper and deeper--
1483
01:02:46,553 --> 01:02:47,386
- Oh!
1484
01:02:47,386 --> 01:02:48,219
- Stroking and spanking
and kneading and plunging
1485
01:02:48,219 --> 01:02:49,277
- and thrusting.
- Oh!
1486
01:02:49,277 --> 01:02:51,495
Turn you over then
plunging and thrusting you
1487
01:02:51,495 --> 01:02:52,328
- Oh!
1488
01:02:52,328 --> 01:02:55,180
- like a giant glob of
internal combustion engine
1489
01:02:55,180 --> 01:02:56,013
- oh, oh.
1490
01:02:56,013 --> 01:02:58,025
- buzzing haplessly like
a bee in a bottle and
1491
01:02:58,025 --> 01:02:58,858
- Ohhhh!
1492
01:02:58,858 --> 01:03:00,075
- screaming like a monkey on speed.
1493
01:03:00,075 --> 01:03:01,481
- Ooooohhhhh!
1494
01:03:02,741 --> 01:03:03,574
- Emma, dear!
- Oh!
1495
01:03:03,574 --> 01:03:04,709
- We're back from Italy.
- Oh!
1496
01:03:04,709 --> 01:03:05,729
- Emma, Emma!
1497
01:03:05,729 --> 01:03:06,562
- Good grief!
- Ohhh!
1498
01:03:06,562 --> 01:03:07,509
- what's happening?
- Oooh ooooh!
1499
01:03:07,509 --> 01:03:08,569
- Is she alright?
1500
01:03:08,569 --> 01:03:10,009
- Oh, I'd say so.
1501
01:03:10,009 --> 01:03:11,329
- Ohhhhhh!
1502
01:03:11,329 --> 01:03:12,809
- What is happening to her?
1503
01:03:12,809 --> 01:03:14,669
- Emma is having an emotion.
1504
01:03:19,349 --> 01:03:21,429
Italy had worked it's gay magic.
1505
01:03:21,429 --> 01:03:24,929
And the English were now
all caring and sensitive.
1506
01:03:24,929 --> 01:03:27,262
Dick was on everyone's lips.
1507
01:03:30,379 --> 01:03:33,978
We shall skip World
War I, which was mainly
1508
01:03:33,978 --> 01:03:37,228
about a horse and move on to August...
1509
01:03:39,252 --> 01:03:42,932
1929 when Aunt Maggie went to visit Dick.
1510
01:03:42,932 --> 01:03:45,052
But when she arrived at the Royal Hospital
1511
01:03:45,052 --> 01:03:48,912
for the Extremely Mad,
she was in for a surprise.
1512
01:03:48,912 --> 01:03:50,132
- You've a visitor, Dick.
1513
01:03:50,132 --> 01:03:52,524
- Has there been any
change in his condition?
1514
01:03:52,524 --> 01:03:54,424
- Alas, Madam, there is none.
1515
01:03:54,424 --> 01:03:57,744
- Allow me to present Deepak
Rushdie Obi Ben Kingsley.
1516
01:03:57,744 --> 01:04:00,384
Visiting professor of psycho
babble at the University
1517
01:04:00,384 --> 01:04:01,964
of Virginia Woolf.
1518
01:04:01,964 --> 01:04:04,704
- Oh, I read about him
in the rubber ware news.
1519
01:04:04,704 --> 01:04:07,044
It seems you are the
inventor of the American
1520
01:04:07,044 --> 01:04:08,184
Happy Boy.
1521
01:04:08,184 --> 01:04:10,044
- That is I, myself, good lady.
1522
01:04:10,044 --> 01:04:12,624
- Oh, it has relieved many of my emotions.
1523
01:04:12,624 --> 01:04:16,304
- Well, I am proud to
have had a hand in that.
1524
01:04:16,304 --> 01:04:18,144
- We're going to seek the assistance of a
1525
01:04:18,144 --> 01:04:19,504
professional ass reader.
1526
01:04:19,504 --> 01:04:21,558
But first, we have wee surprise.
1527
01:04:21,558 --> 01:04:23,838
Mr. Russell, bring in the piano.
1528
01:04:23,838 --> 01:04:25,618
- Here ya go.
1529
01:04:25,618 --> 01:04:27,898
- Good heavens, it is
the piano from Shagistan.
1530
01:04:27,898 --> 01:04:29,998
- This piano has been
close to the scene of
1531
01:04:29,998 --> 01:04:32,758
all these violent attacks.
1532
01:04:32,758 --> 01:04:34,398
- You suspect the piano?
1533
01:04:34,398 --> 01:04:36,358
- Of course I don't
fuckin' suspect the piano,
1534
01:04:36,358 --> 01:04:39,118
you weird Indian psycho
babbling Chapati muncher.
1535
01:04:39,118 --> 01:04:40,978
I thought it may help to jog his memory.
1536
01:04:40,978 --> 01:04:43,098
- If only this piano
could talk, Inspector.
1537
01:04:43,098 --> 01:04:46,716
- Piano's don't fucking talk,
you silly touchy-feely wanked
1538
01:04:46,716 --> 01:04:49,714
out son of a bloody.
1539
01:04:49,714 --> 01:04:53,154
You gobbledy shaky sloppy
sloppy touchy-feely bullocks.
1540
01:04:53,154 --> 01:04:55,994
But since Dick found it
on the beach I thought it
1541
01:04:55,994 --> 01:04:58,994
might help him to remember a happier time.
1542
01:04:58,994 --> 01:05:00,674
- This where you wanted the piano, Gov?
1543
01:05:00,674 --> 01:05:02,349
- Just drop it right here.
1544
01:05:02,349 --> 01:05:03,630
Thank you.
1545
01:05:03,630 --> 01:05:05,630
The piano's at the heart of the mystery.
1546
01:05:05,630 --> 01:05:06,610
- Will that be all, Sir?
1547
01:05:06,610 --> 01:05:08,490
- Good heavens, is that you, Sergeant?
1548
01:05:08,490 --> 01:05:09,410
- Do I kbow you, Sir?
1549
01:05:09,410 --> 01:05:12,370
- Sergeant Ken Russell of
the 13th foot and mouth.
1550
01:05:12,370 --> 01:05:15,510
Do you not remember me, I
am Deepak from Shagistan?
1551
01:05:15,510 --> 01:05:17,730
- Alas Sir, he can
remember nothing since the
1552
01:05:17,730 --> 01:05:19,310
massacre.
1553
01:05:19,310 --> 01:05:21,430
- Well, Darling told
him something important
1554
01:05:21,430 --> 01:05:22,630
but he's forgot it.
1555
01:05:22,630 --> 01:05:23,870
- Do not worry, Inspector.
1556
01:05:23,870 --> 01:05:25,250
I will put him in a trance.
1557
01:05:25,250 --> 01:05:27,508
Now, Ken, listen to me,
you're going to relax,
1558
01:05:28,341 --> 01:05:30,629
you're going into a deep sleep,
1559
01:05:30,629 --> 01:05:31,469
not you, Inspector.
1560
01:05:31,469 --> 01:05:32,949
- Oh, sorry, sorry.
1561
01:05:32,949 --> 01:05:34,829
- Just relax, Ken, Kenneth.
1562
01:05:34,829 --> 01:05:38,996
Now, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.
1563
01:05:39,849 --> 01:05:41,469
You're gone.
1564
01:05:41,469 --> 01:05:42,549
- Where am I?
1565
01:05:42,549 --> 01:05:44,709
- You are in Shagistan, Sergeant.
1566
01:05:44,709 --> 01:05:45,909
- Oh, yeah.
1567
01:05:45,909 --> 01:05:46,889
Bloody hot, innit?
1568
01:05:46,889 --> 01:05:48,309
- It's very hot, Ken.
1569
01:05:48,309 --> 01:05:49,749
- Lord, these bloody flies.
1570
01:05:49,749 --> 01:05:51,109
- Oh, these bloody flies.
1571
01:05:51,109 --> 01:05:53,009
Now you're with Lord
Darling and he is talking
1572
01:05:53,009 --> 01:05:53,842
to you.
1573
01:05:53,842 --> 01:05:55,009
What is Lord Darling saying?
1574
01:05:55,009 --> 01:05:56,988
- He is telling me a very
disturbing tale, Sir.
1575
01:05:56,988 --> 01:05:58,209
He's saying...
1576
01:05:58,209 --> 01:06:00,669
- There are some things
I am not proud of in
1577
01:06:00,669 --> 01:06:04,502
my life, Sergeant.
1578
01:06:05,348 --> 01:06:07,949
There was a young governess
I met at a coming out
1579
01:06:07,949 --> 01:06:12,116
ball , her name was Margaret.
1580
01:06:13,349 --> 01:06:16,941
She was beautiful and
I couldn't help myself,
1581
01:06:16,941 --> 01:06:21,108
I plied her with Gin and
I took advantage of her.
1582
01:06:22,805 --> 01:06:27,065
Too late I learned that nine
months later,
1583
01:06:27,065 --> 01:06:30,185
she had a child, but by
then, my regiment had
1584
01:06:30,185 --> 01:06:31,885
shipped out.
1585
01:06:31,885 --> 01:06:36,105
I still don't know the name of that child.
1586
01:06:36,105 --> 01:06:38,045
- The child's name was Dick.
1587
01:06:38,045 --> 01:06:39,525
- How could you know that?
1588
01:06:39,525 --> 01:06:41,885
Because I was that Governess.
1589
01:06:41,885 --> 01:06:43,285
Margaret was me.
1590
01:06:43,285 --> 01:06:44,618
This is my Dick.
1591
01:06:45,845 --> 01:06:47,425
- He's your son?
1592
01:06:47,425 --> 01:06:48,745
- Yes, Inspector.
1593
01:06:48,745 --> 01:06:51,445
- Oh, mommy, I'm coming out of my coma.
1594
01:06:51,445 --> 01:06:54,005
- There, there, Dick, mommy's here.
1595
01:06:54,005 --> 01:06:57,945
- Mommy, can I have a little
suck on your breast, please?
1596
01:06:57,945 --> 01:07:00,845
- Well, I suppose a little wouldn't hurt.
1597
01:07:00,845 --> 01:07:02,485
See if I can still lactate.
1598
01:07:02,485 --> 01:07:03,405
Oh, yes I can.
- Sergeant.
1599
01:07:03,405 --> 01:07:05,185
- Oh, yes, it's happening.
1600
01:07:05,185 --> 01:07:07,005
- Sergeant.
- Oh, Russell likes it, ew.
1601
01:07:07,005 --> 01:07:09,645
- Sergeant, control,
control your energies.
1602
01:07:09,645 --> 01:07:10,585
- Eww!
1603
01:07:10,585 --> 01:07:13,365
- Sergeant, for fucks
sake, control the energies
1604
01:07:13,365 --> 01:07:14,425
in your head.
1605
01:07:14,425 --> 01:07:16,165
- Very difficult, very difficult, Sir.
1606
01:07:16,165 --> 01:07:18,225
- What else is Lord Darling saying to you?
1607
01:07:18,225 --> 01:07:21,392
- It's all coming back to me now, Sir.
1608
01:07:23,653 --> 01:07:26,421
It's a little bit misty
but it's coming back.
1609
01:07:26,421 --> 01:07:27,481
He says--
1610
01:07:27,481 --> 01:07:31,648
- Take this piano to my
son, Dick, at Darling Hall.
1611
01:07:33,321 --> 01:07:37,077
- Very well, and so you have
done, your task is complete
1612
01:07:37,077 --> 01:07:39,797
Sergeant, Dick has the
piano and he has a mommy.
1613
01:07:39,797 --> 01:07:42,677
- But we still don't know
who attacked him and why?
1614
01:07:42,677 --> 01:07:44,397
- That is true, Inspector,
it is time for the
1615
01:07:44,397 --> 01:07:46,057
ass reading, I think.
1616
01:07:48,017 --> 01:07:49,035
- Who is it?
1617
01:07:49,035 --> 01:07:51,115
Oh, it's you, come on in, yeah,
1618
01:07:51,115 --> 01:07:53,555
come to have your body
read again, have ya?
1619
01:07:53,555 --> 01:07:55,315
- You're a right naughty boy ain't ya,
1620
01:07:55,315 --> 01:07:57,075
I saw it in your bum the other day.
1621
01:07:57,075 --> 01:07:59,035
I said to myself, I said there's violence
1622
01:07:59,035 --> 01:08:01,615
in that bottom, Enid my
love, those cheeks have
1623
01:08:01,615 --> 01:08:04,735
seen more than their
fair share of sorrow and
1624
01:08:04,735 --> 01:08:08,295
a deep dark secret is
hidden in that derriere
1625
01:08:08,295 --> 01:08:10,355
but I haven't told no
one, Gov, so help me,
1626
01:08:10,355 --> 01:08:12,535
I wouldn't tell Inspector
McGuffin nothing,
1627
01:08:12,535 --> 01:08:14,455
as long as you brought
me that little bit of
1628
01:08:14,455 --> 01:08:16,515
money you promised me.
1629
01:08:16,515 --> 01:08:18,575
Dear, dear, what's that?
1630
01:08:18,575 --> 01:08:21,615
No, no, please, don't, stop!
1631
01:08:27,995 --> 01:08:30,375
- Houndsditch mutilator strikes again!
1632
01:08:30,375 --> 01:08:32,458
Ass reader ass-assinated!
1633
01:08:35,815 --> 01:08:37,595
- Dammit, Deepak, we're too late.
1634
01:08:37,595 --> 01:08:39,895
- Police working on the
theory that they have no idea
1635
01:08:39,895 --> 01:08:41,335
what's going on!
1636
01:08:41,335 --> 01:08:42,895
- Watch to, you.
1637
01:08:42,895 --> 01:08:44,215
- This is most unfortunate.
1638
01:08:44,215 --> 01:08:46,175
I had high hopes that she
might see something useful
1639
01:08:46,175 --> 01:08:47,515
in Dick's behind.
1640
01:08:47,515 --> 01:08:49,415
- Who assassinates an ass reader and why?
1641
01:08:49,415 --> 01:08:53,498
- Maybe the King of Sweden
for shits and giggles.
1642
01:08:56,733 --> 01:08:57,566
- What?
1643
01:09:02,726 --> 01:09:06,367
- No, she knew something,
she knew the identity of
1644
01:09:06,367 --> 01:09:07,527
the mutilator.
1645
01:09:07,527 --> 01:09:08,887
- Well, how could that be so>
1646
01:09:08,887 --> 01:09:10,761
- She opened the door in her pajamas.
1647
01:09:10,761 --> 01:09:13,428
- She had a door in her pajamas?
1648
01:09:15,854 --> 01:09:18,537
- It has to be somebody she knows well.
1649
01:09:18,537 --> 01:09:20,158
Her husband has disappeared.
1650
01:09:20,158 --> 01:09:22,897
We must find Leonard Bastard immediately.
1651
01:09:25,337 --> 01:09:26,337
- Who is it?
1652
01:09:26,337 --> 01:09:27,417
- Open the door, Emma.
1653
01:09:27,417 --> 01:09:29,097
I must see you at once.
1654
01:09:29,097 --> 01:09:30,918
- Hang on a minute.
1655
01:09:41,757 --> 01:09:45,477
- Emma, is there a window I can just--
1656
01:09:45,477 --> 01:09:47,817
- Why, Mr. Hudson, I'm here all alone.
1657
01:09:47,817 --> 01:09:50,217
- I have something to tell you.
1658
01:09:50,217 --> 01:09:51,617
- I have a hair brush upstairs.
1659
01:09:51,617 --> 01:09:53,177
- Something terrible has happened.
1660
01:09:53,177 --> 01:09:54,637
- Leonard Bastard's
wife has been murdered.
1661
01:09:54,637 --> 01:09:55,577
- No, worse than that.
1662
01:09:55,577 --> 01:09:56,998
- What could possibly be worse than that?
1663
01:09:56,998 --> 01:09:58,678
- I am bankrupt.
1664
01:09:58,678 --> 01:09:59,617
- Oh dear!
1665
01:09:59,617 --> 01:10:01,017
- This afternoon the
Hudson Rubber Company just
1666
01:10:01,017 --> 01:10:01,850
collapsed.
1667
01:10:01,850 --> 01:10:02,683
- Into the Thames?
1668
01:10:02,683 --> 01:10:03,837
- Financially, you see.
1669
01:10:03,837 --> 01:10:06,538
Someone in the Accounts Department
was speculating huge sums
1670
01:10:06,538 --> 01:10:08,577
against the future price of rubber and now
1671
01:10:08,577 --> 01:10:09,857
I'm utterly ruined.
1672
01:10:09,857 --> 01:10:11,017
- Oh, crikey!
1673
01:10:11,017 --> 01:10:12,717
Maybe the young man who
made these speculations
1674
01:10:12,717 --> 01:10:14,717
was Leonard Bastard,
the very man you begged
1675
01:10:14,717 --> 01:10:15,617
me to employ.
1676
01:10:15,617 --> 01:10:16,457
- Oh!
1677
01:10:16,457 --> 01:10:17,290
Oops!
1678
01:10:19,337 --> 01:10:21,557
- Well, oops doesn't quite
hack it actually, Emma.
1679
01:10:21,557 --> 01:10:25,617
So, because of this, I
have decided to accept the
1680
01:10:25,617 --> 01:10:28,797
job of a Butler in the West country.
1681
01:10:28,797 --> 01:10:31,047
- Oh, well have a good one.
1682
01:10:32,811 --> 01:10:34,478
- Yes, ta very much.
1683
01:10:35,675 --> 01:10:36,976
- No, wait.
1684
01:10:36,976 --> 01:10:38,955
I am an Englishwoman of a certain age.
1685
01:10:38,955 --> 01:10:41,635
You are the only man who
ever gave me an emotion.
1686
01:10:41,635 --> 01:10:43,995
I am going to do something
utterly improper.
1687
01:10:43,995 --> 01:10:44,835
- Oh yes?
1688
01:10:44,835 --> 01:10:49,002
- I am going to pack some
hankies and come with you.
1689
01:10:51,396 --> 01:10:55,810
- Darling Hall, doesn't it
look great in the rain, Butler?
1690
01:10:55,810 --> 01:10:58,030
- Uh, yes, my lord.
1691
01:10:58,030 --> 01:10:59,830
- Butler, what time is it?
1692
01:10:59,830 --> 01:11:01,590
19:35, by the way.
1693
01:11:01,590 --> 01:11:04,070
- Who is that woman in
the giant black dress?
1694
01:11:04,070 --> 01:11:06,450
- That is the housekeeper,
Miss Schlegel, Sir.
1695
01:11:06,450 --> 01:11:08,210
- Fine figure of a woman.
1696
01:11:08,210 --> 01:11:10,590
- Yes, Sir, she does her job very well.
1697
01:11:10,590 --> 01:11:14,350
- This weekend, I'm having
a Nazi party, the usual
1698
01:11:14,350 --> 01:11:18,150
thing, you know, uniforms,
speeches, search lights,
1699
01:11:18,150 --> 01:11:22,090
discipline, boots, bondage,
Vodka, and tight leather
1700
01:11:22,090 --> 01:11:23,050
trousers.
1701
01:11:24,130 --> 01:11:25,590
- Very good, my lord.
1702
01:11:25,590 --> 01:11:27,990
- This will be the first
Nazi party ever held in
1703
01:11:27,990 --> 01:11:31,910
England and here's the order of events.
1704
01:11:31,910 --> 01:11:35,827
There'll be hi and hello,
getting to know you cocktails,
1705
01:11:35,827 --> 01:11:40,335
with a few introductory
remarks about the Third Reich,
1706
01:11:40,335 --> 01:11:44,168
what happened to the
other two reich's and why
1707
01:11:45,008 --> 01:11:48,668
this one will last, ever so much longer.
1708
01:11:49,928 --> 01:11:51,628
- Very good, my lord.
1709
01:11:51,628 --> 01:11:53,728
- Mr. Hudson, might I
have a word with you?
1710
01:11:53,728 --> 01:11:55,028
- Yes, of course, Miss Emma.
1711
01:11:55,028 --> 01:11:56,688
- There is to be a Nazi party here?
1712
01:11:56,688 --> 01:11:57,928
- Just a very small one.
1713
01:11:57,928 --> 01:11:59,468
- And why have you been avoiding me?
1714
01:11:59,468 --> 01:12:01,668
- Because I am a Butler
and you are a housekeeper
1715
01:12:01,668 --> 01:12:03,528
and in this country,
any contact is not only
1716
01:12:03,528 --> 01:12:05,908
immoral but it is also illegal contrary to
1717
01:12:05,908 --> 01:12:07,888
the naughty behaviors Act with servants
1718
01:12:07,888 --> 01:12:08,748
1932.
1719
01:12:08,748 --> 01:12:09,856
- But surely--
- No.
1720
01:12:09,856 --> 01:12:10,922
- Not even if--
- No.
1721
01:12:10,922 --> 01:12:12,579
- But suppose we were to--
- No.
1722
01:12:12,579 --> 01:12:13,687
- On our own time--
- Impossible.
1723
01:12:13,687 --> 01:12:14,794
- At weekends--
- No.
1724
01:12:14,794 --> 01:12:15,627
- In the garage--
- Out of the question.
1725
01:12:15,627 --> 01:12:17,146
This is England, we must
1726
01:12:17,146 --> 01:12:18,486
have no more emotions.
1727
01:12:18,486 --> 01:12:20,506
- But I have brought this hairbrush.
1728
01:12:24,062 --> 01:12:24,895
- Shit.
1729
01:12:26,040 --> 01:12:27,457
Come here, woman.
1730
01:12:28,580 --> 01:12:30,240
Get on my springy thing.
1731
01:12:32,320 --> 01:12:33,380
Come on.
1732
01:12:33,380 --> 01:12:35,420
- What on earth is going on, Emma?
1733
01:12:35,420 --> 01:12:38,240
- Aunt Maggie, Whoopsie, Helena and Dick.
1734
01:12:38,240 --> 01:12:40,800
- What on earth are they
doing, mommy, I'm scared.
1735
01:12:40,800 --> 01:12:42,580
- Miss Emma was merely
helping me clean the
1736
01:12:42,580 --> 01:12:44,120
floor with her posterior.
1737
01:12:44,120 --> 01:12:48,120
- No, Henry, no more lies,
I'm a fully grown woman
1738
01:12:48,120 --> 01:12:50,720
and I am entitled to an
emotion now and again.
1739
01:12:50,720 --> 01:12:52,800
- Good heavens, this isn't America.
1740
01:12:52,800 --> 01:12:54,900
- What on earth is going on, Butler?
1741
01:12:54,900 --> 01:12:56,800
Who are all these people?
1742
01:12:56,800 --> 01:12:59,100
- Lord Darling, this is
your long lost brother,
1743
01:12:59,100 --> 01:12:59,933
Dick.
1744
01:12:59,933 --> 01:13:00,766
- Hello, Bro.
1745
01:13:01,599 --> 01:13:04,510
Want to see my mouth organ?
1746
01:13:05,590 --> 01:13:08,257
- Good heavens, it's the Nazi's.
1747
01:13:09,650 --> 01:13:11,210
- Hello, Darling.
1748
01:13:11,210 --> 01:13:15,043
- Countess Von Kunst,
welcome to Darling Hall.
1749
01:13:15,950 --> 01:13:18,030
- It's important that
you English understand
1750
01:13:18,030 --> 01:13:22,023
when Nazi's have a
party, it's a fun thing.
1751
01:13:22,023 --> 01:13:23,568
Mein über Butler?
1752
01:13:23,568 --> 01:13:24,728
- Yes, Countess?
1753
01:13:24,728 --> 01:13:26,128
- Do you have a piano?
1754
01:13:26,128 --> 01:13:28,328
- No, Countess, no piano at Darling Hall.
1755
01:13:28,328 --> 01:13:30,348
- Then what Is that?
1756
01:13:30,348 --> 01:13:34,766
- Good heavens, that is a piano.
1757
01:13:34,766 --> 01:13:37,466
- Good grief, it is the piano.
1758
01:13:37,466 --> 01:13:40,666
- It is Lord Darling's, a
gift from his dead daddy.
1759
01:13:40,666 --> 01:13:43,074
- Deepak, is that you?
1760
01:13:43,074 --> 01:13:46,241
- Hello, Mr. Hudson, long time no see.
1761
01:13:47,601 --> 01:13:50,940
- What on earth are you doing here?
1762
01:13:50,940 --> 01:13:54,380
- Well, I'm just talking
to you at the moment.
1763
01:13:54,380 --> 01:13:57,100
- Yes, I can see that, but why?
1764
01:13:57,100 --> 01:14:00,940
- Because they think it's funny, Sir.
1765
01:14:00,940 --> 01:14:03,328
- It is a bit confusing.
1766
01:14:03,328 --> 01:14:04,411
- Yes, it is.
1767
01:14:09,057 --> 01:14:13,089
- I would like to play
a song about the fuhrer,
1768
01:14:13,089 --> 01:14:17,006
but first I should warm
up with the diva scale.
1769
01:14:19,595 --> 01:14:23,762
♫ Do Re Mi Mi Mi Mi Mi Mi ♫
1770
01:14:30,155 --> 01:14:34,322
♫ Mi Mi Mi Mi Mi Mi Mi Mi ♫
1771
01:14:36,955 --> 01:14:40,075
What is that, what is
wrong with this piano,
1772
01:14:40,075 --> 01:14:42,175
it is like England, it doesn't work.
1773
01:14:42,175 --> 01:14:44,402
There's something trapped inside it.
1774
01:14:49,531 --> 01:14:53,251
- What is a vibrator doing inside a piano?
1775
01:14:53,251 --> 01:14:56,391
- That's a rather long story.
1776
01:15:03,318 --> 01:15:04,541
- Who are you?
1777
01:15:04,541 --> 01:15:06,958
- A rather long story teller.
1778
01:15:08,960 --> 01:15:11,550
- This is Inspector McGuffin.
1779
01:15:11,550 --> 01:15:14,230
- Not in fact so, madam,
I'm a private dick,
1780
01:15:14,230 --> 01:15:15,750
my real name is Holmes.
1781
01:15:15,750 --> 01:15:17,870
- Good heavens, Sherlock Holmes?
1782
01:15:17,870 --> 01:15:20,210
- No, Shylock Holmes, his Jewish cousin.
1783
01:15:23,098 --> 01:15:26,108
- Why is there a dildo
shtook in this piano?
1784
01:15:26,108 --> 01:15:27,908
- It was hidden there madam by someone in
1785
01:15:27,908 --> 01:15:29,148
this room
1786
01:15:29,148 --> 01:15:30,308
- What does it matter?
1787
01:15:30,308 --> 01:15:32,288
- It matters because it
reveals the identity of a
1788
01:15:32,288 --> 01:15:34,508
murderer, Butler, I arrest
you for the murder of
1789
01:15:34,508 --> 01:15:36,048
Henry Hudson.
1790
01:15:36,048 --> 01:15:38,368
- But this is Henry Hudson, Inspector.
1791
01:15:38,368 --> 01:15:39,468
- No, Sir.
1792
01:15:39,468 --> 01:15:40,988
- This man is called Hopkins, who killed
1793
01:15:40,988 --> 01:15:42,888
the original Hudson to gain control of
1794
01:15:42,888 --> 01:15:43,988
the rubber market.
1795
01:15:43,988 --> 01:15:45,828
He attacked little Dicky in the woods and
1796
01:15:45,828 --> 01:15:47,828
poisoned his wife for
seeing him attack Dick
1797
01:15:47,828 --> 01:15:48,748
from a window.
1798
01:15:48,748 --> 01:15:50,668
And he bludgeoned poor Enid to death
1799
01:15:50,668 --> 01:15:53,008
when she planned to reveal
that she read his backside
1800
01:15:53,008 --> 01:15:56,488
that he is the Houndsditch mutilator.
1801
01:15:56,488 --> 01:15:59,688
Butler, I arrest you for
the murder of Henry Hudson.
1802
01:15:59,688 --> 01:16:01,668
- Oh, Henry, they will hang you.
1803
01:16:01,668 --> 01:16:03,751
- I'm already hung, Emma.
1804
01:16:05,278 --> 01:16:06,886
- I know that.
1805
01:16:06,886 --> 01:16:08,386
I'm bearing your child.
1806
01:16:08,386 --> 01:16:10,346
- Then leave this sorry island, England is
1807
01:16:10,346 --> 01:16:12,226
finished, the future is Holland.
1808
01:16:12,226 --> 01:16:13,186
- America?
1809
01:16:13,186 --> 01:16:15,186
- Yeah, in America, yeah.
1810
01:16:15,186 --> 01:16:16,846
Where they have more
respect for a person of
1811
01:16:16,846 --> 01:16:18,526
violence and they won't
stop short of having
1812
01:16:18,526 --> 01:16:20,906
automatic weapons just
because they're insane.
1813
01:16:23,066 --> 01:16:25,346
So the Butler was arrested
and sentenced to be
1814
01:16:25,346 --> 01:16:28,306
hanged by the neck until
he wasn't at all well.
1815
01:16:28,306 --> 01:16:31,526
Leonard Bastard married
Helena and together they
1816
01:16:31,526 --> 01:16:33,526
opened an umbrella shop.
1817
01:16:34,426 --> 01:16:36,246
Reverend Whoopsie became
the Arch Bishop of
1818
01:16:36,246 --> 01:16:37,946
Canterbury.
1819
01:16:37,946 --> 01:16:40,446
Aunt Maggie moved to Holland
where she demonstrates
1820
01:16:40,446 --> 01:16:42,726
personal vibrators.
1821
01:16:42,726 --> 01:16:46,086
And as for me, the piano, I was bought by
1822
01:16:46,086 --> 01:16:47,003
Elton John.
1823
01:16:48,798 --> 01:16:53,284
And I'm currently starring
in Las Vegas where I
1824
01:16:53,284 --> 01:16:56,867
made this, one of Elton
John's finest hits.
1825
01:17:00,924 --> 01:17:02,504
♫ O rum ti tumti
1826
01:17:02,504 --> 01:17:03,624
♫ Tickle yer monkey
1827
01:17:03,624 --> 01:17:05,204
♫ Tickle di didle doo
1828
01:17:05,204 --> 01:17:06,244
♫ Rumpy pumpy
1829
01:17:06,244 --> 01:17:07,304
♫ Humpty dumpty
1830
01:17:07,304 --> 01:17:09,044
♫ Tickle yer tivey too
1831
01:17:09,044 --> 01:17:10,124
♫ Oh hankie pankie
1832
01:17:10,124 --> 01:17:11,184
♫ Winkie wankie
1833
01:17:11,184 --> 01:17:12,904
♫ Diddle de didle doo
1834
01:17:12,904 --> 01:17:13,924
♫ Rinky dinky
1835
01:17:13,924 --> 01:17:14,964
♫ Tiddley winky
1836
01:17:14,964 --> 01:17:16,944
♫ Nicky nacky noo
1837
01:17:16,944 --> 01:17:20,584
♫ the noo the noo the noo the noo the noo
1838
01:17:20,584 --> 01:17:21,924
♫ O muckety buckety
1839
01:17:21,924 --> 01:17:23,004
♫ Shmackety crackety
1840
01:17:23,004 --> 01:17:24,504
♫ Sings the lonely trout
1841
01:17:24,504 --> 01:17:25,624
♫ Tiggly wiggly
1842
01:17:25,624 --> 01:17:26,644
♫ Higgly piggly
1843
01:17:26,644 --> 01:17:28,224
♫ What is life about
1844
01:17:28,224 --> 01:17:29,464
♫ Mickety pickety
1845
01:17:29,464 --> 01:17:30,644
♫ Wickety lickety
1846
01:17:30,644 --> 01:17:32,144
♫ She was just a slut
1847
01:17:32,144 --> 01:17:33,584
♫ Find yourself another lass
1848
01:17:33,584 --> 01:17:35,104
♫ A nicer piece of butt.
1849
01:17:35,104 --> 01:17:36,484
♫ Oh packety wackety
1850
01:17:36,484 --> 01:17:37,544
♫ Nickety nackety
1851
01:17:37,544 --> 01:17:39,704
♫ Sings the lonely trout
1852
01:17:39,704 --> 01:17:41,264
♫ Splickety wickety
1853
01:17:41,264 --> 01:17:42,304
♫ Pickety nickety
1854
01:17:42,304 --> 01:17:44,064
♫ What is life about?
1855
01:17:44,064 --> 01:17:45,224
♫ Shackety mackety
1856
01:17:45,224 --> 01:17:46,464
♫ Thwackety crackety
1857
01:17:46,464 --> 01:17:48,044
♫ She was just a slut
1858
01:17:48,044 --> 01:17:49,644
♫ Find yourself another lass
1859
01:17:49,644 --> 01:17:51,464
♫ A nicer piece of butt ♫
124867
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