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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:26,532 --> 00:00:28,252 - Good evening, ladies and gentleman and welcome 2 00:00:28,252 --> 00:00:30,344 to another edition of oral cinema. 3 00:00:30,344 --> 00:00:33,677 A popular series of movies for the ears. 4 00:00:34,726 --> 00:00:37,007 Well, we'll be going on air live in just a couple 5 00:00:37,007 --> 00:00:39,527 of minutes, so please, may we first of all test 6 00:00:39,527 --> 00:00:41,110 the applause level? 7 00:00:45,167 --> 00:00:46,000 Thank you. 8 00:00:47,167 --> 00:00:48,447 Excellent, thank you very much. 9 00:00:48,447 --> 00:00:50,667 Well, tonight's cinema for sound features, 10 00:00:50,667 --> 00:00:52,667 What about Dick? 11 00:00:52,667 --> 00:00:55,167 An emotion picture for radio which tells the story 12 00:00:55,167 --> 00:00:58,227 of the decline and fall of the British Empire as 13 00:00:58,227 --> 00:01:01,147 seen through the eyes of a piano. 14 00:01:02,327 --> 00:01:05,667 So, will you welcome please, tonight's fantastic cast. 15 00:01:21,147 --> 00:01:23,887 ♫ Oh the Orpheum Theatre theater in downtown LA 16 00:01:23,887 --> 00:01:26,707 ♫ Tonight we invite you to picture a play 17 00:01:26,707 --> 00:01:30,147 ♫ A radio screenplay approved for your ears 18 00:01:30,147 --> 00:01:33,487 ♫ Oral movies, pluck up my ears 19 00:01:33,487 --> 00:01:36,447 ♫ Yes, it's time once again for the cinema of sound 20 00:01:36,447 --> 00:01:39,407 ♫ To transport you across the radio waves 21 00:01:39,407 --> 00:01:43,387 ♫ To bring you, What about Dick 22 00:01:43,387 --> 00:01:47,554 ♫ It's oral cinema ♫ 23 00:01:54,107 --> 00:01:56,867 Once upon a time there were two sisters who lived 24 00:01:56,867 --> 00:01:59,567 with their Aunt Maggie in a rambling old Edwardian 25 00:01:59,567 --> 00:02:00,992 Novel in Kensington. 26 00:02:01,825 --> 00:02:04,441 Emma, the older, was an emotionally repressed English 27 00:02:04,441 --> 00:02:07,141 girl, who spent all day staring out of the window, 28 00:02:07,141 --> 00:02:09,861 dreaming of a submissive role in a sick relationship 29 00:02:09,861 --> 00:02:12,881 with an older sadomasochistic Englishmen. 30 00:02:13,841 --> 00:02:16,141 Helena, her younger sister, was a dark-haired 31 00:02:16,141 --> 00:02:19,341 foxy minx, who stole umbrellas to repress her 32 00:02:19,341 --> 00:02:20,901 sexual urges. 33 00:02:22,621 --> 00:02:24,561 - What's a minx, is it an Egyptian thing? 34 00:02:24,561 --> 00:02:26,201 - No dear, that's a sphinx. 35 00:02:26,201 --> 00:02:28,581 - Oh, I thought that was the backside of something. 36 00:02:28,581 --> 00:02:30,241 - No dear, that's the sphincter. 37 00:02:30,241 --> 00:02:31,161 - Ah! 38 00:02:31,161 --> 00:02:33,341 - Anyways, these two sisters lived together 39 00:02:33,341 --> 00:02:36,081 in a two-story Novel with their Aunt Maggie, 40 00:02:36,081 --> 00:02:38,801 an amateur dipsomaniac who spent the afternoons 41 00:02:38,801 --> 00:02:41,721 in Hampstead under a young Austrian doctor. 42 00:02:42,761 --> 00:02:45,541 - His name is Freud, Roger Freud. 43 00:02:45,541 --> 00:02:48,121 He's licensed in Massage and colonics. 44 00:02:49,981 --> 00:02:51,461 - And who exactly are you? 45 00:02:51,461 --> 00:02:53,481 - I am the narrator of this tale. 46 00:02:53,481 --> 00:02:56,121 Everyone in the story has touched me and played 47 00:02:56,121 --> 00:02:59,101 with me and run their fingers over me until I 48 00:02:59,101 --> 00:03:00,721 rang with joy. 49 00:03:02,441 --> 00:03:04,691 For you see, I, am a piano. 50 00:03:05,681 --> 00:03:07,621 - A piano narrating a story? 51 00:03:07,621 --> 00:03:08,461 - Yes! 52 00:03:08,461 --> 00:03:10,181 - Furniture doesn't narrate stories. 53 00:03:10,181 --> 00:03:12,221 - I'm not furniture, I'm an instrument. 54 00:03:12,221 --> 00:03:13,281 - Well, that's stupid. 55 00:03:13,281 --> 00:03:15,741 Are we to have Macbeth narrated by the bagpipes? 56 00:03:15,741 --> 00:03:18,281 - Or Les Misérables by the french horn? 57 00:03:18,281 --> 00:03:20,101 - Look, it's my fucking play and I'll play a 58 00:03:20,101 --> 00:03:21,301 piano if I want to. 59 00:03:22,921 --> 00:03:26,004 Anyway, this is the story of a piano. 60 00:03:28,168 --> 00:03:32,176 - Heavens, is that the time, the 3rd of August, 1910? 61 00:03:32,176 --> 00:03:35,199 - Evening Star and Standard, read all about it! 62 00:03:35,199 --> 00:03:38,457 Another English human found half-eaten in Houndsditch. 63 00:03:38,457 --> 00:03:41,617 - Oh dear, not the reaper again. 64 00:03:41,617 --> 00:03:43,937 - No, this one's the mutilator, apparently he eats 65 00:03:43,937 --> 00:03:45,037 his victim. 66 00:03:45,037 --> 00:03:46,837 - Ew, how disgusting! 67 00:03:46,837 --> 00:03:49,597 Just then, the Reverend Whoopsie walked into the door. 68 00:03:50,677 --> 00:03:51,510 - Ouch! 69 00:03:55,633 --> 00:03:58,373 - Walked into the doorway. 70 00:03:58,373 --> 00:03:59,290 - Oh sorry! 71 00:04:01,078 --> 00:04:03,328 Hello ladies, do I intrude? 72 00:04:04,229 --> 00:04:06,709 - Not from this angle, Mr. Whoopsie. 73 00:04:08,944 --> 00:04:13,523 - The Reverend Whoopsie is a, well he's a-- 74 00:04:13,523 --> 00:04:16,363 - He's a single clergyman who's kindly disposed 75 00:04:16,363 --> 00:04:17,280 toward men. 76 00:04:18,183 --> 00:04:20,963 - Especially working men, who I adore above all and 77 00:04:20,963 --> 00:04:24,963 put on a pedestal and offer five shillings to. 78 00:04:26,143 --> 00:04:28,843 - Your Christianity does you credit, Whoopsie. 79 00:04:28,843 --> 00:04:31,183 - Let us not forget our Lord himself had 12 80 00:04:31,183 --> 00:04:35,823 little male friends, all sailors and nobody said a word. 81 00:04:38,743 --> 00:04:40,023 Have you seen, Dick? 82 00:04:40,023 --> 00:04:42,780 - Not for ages, Mr. Whoopsie. 83 00:04:44,763 --> 00:04:47,343 Not since the coming out ball turned unexpectedly fruity-- 84 00:04:47,343 --> 00:04:49,503 - No, I think he means your Nephew, dear. 85 00:04:49,503 --> 00:04:53,723 - Oh, dear, yes. Oh, he's coming down today from Oxford. 86 00:04:53,723 --> 00:04:58,023 - I wondered if he'd like to come camping with me. 87 00:04:58,023 --> 00:05:00,273 I'd love a weekend of Dick. 88 00:05:01,243 --> 00:05:06,043 - I've always found 20 minutes quite sufficient. 89 00:05:08,303 --> 00:05:10,783 Helena, why don't you play something for 90 00:05:10,783 --> 00:05:12,463 Mr. Whoopsie on your harp? 91 00:05:12,463 --> 00:05:15,063 - I hate the harp, I'm sick of plucking. 92 00:05:15,063 --> 00:05:17,183 - Well you should try a mouth organ like Dick, 93 00:05:17,183 --> 00:05:18,703 so you can suck and blow-- 94 00:05:18,703 --> 00:05:21,103 - Yes, yes, yes, yes, thank you, Emma. 95 00:05:21,103 --> 00:05:23,343 Why don't you sing us one of your Victorian 96 00:05:23,343 --> 00:05:24,423 ballads? 97 00:05:24,423 --> 00:05:25,256 - Righto. 98 00:05:31,118 --> 00:05:33,243 ♫ Blow me 99 00:05:34,083 --> 00:05:37,963 ♫ A kiss in the moonlight 100 00:05:37,963 --> 00:05:40,123 ♫ Blow me 101 00:05:40,123 --> 00:05:43,206 ♫ A kiss in the dawn 102 00:05:45,208 --> 00:05:49,375 ♫ Blow me down, I never knew I would dare 103 00:05:50,718 --> 00:05:53,298 ♫ Now must I swallow 104 00:05:55,638 --> 00:05:59,738 ♫ My pride while I'm there 105 00:05:59,738 --> 00:06:02,338 ♫ Heavens, he's coming 106 00:06:02,338 --> 00:06:04,878 ♫ Inside now 107 00:06:06,238 --> 00:06:10,978 ♫ He's coming to make me his own 108 00:06:10,978 --> 00:06:14,688 ♫ In these cold marble halls 109 00:06:14,688 --> 00:06:19,379 ♫ Where the men hold their balls 110 00:06:19,379 --> 00:06:23,546 ♫ Why must I always be all alone ♫ 111 00:06:30,502 --> 00:06:32,752 - Lovely dear, just lovely. 112 00:06:34,342 --> 00:06:36,622 - At that moment they spotted Dick. 113 00:06:36,622 --> 00:06:39,322 A young man with floppy hair, bee-stung lips and 114 00:06:39,322 --> 00:06:42,762 a strangely ambivalent sexuality. 115 00:06:42,762 --> 00:06:45,162 One of those impossibly pretty English boys 116 00:06:45,162 --> 00:06:47,822 with ravish me bedroom eyes and bathroom legs 117 00:06:47,822 --> 00:06:49,482 and drawing room thighs-- 118 00:06:49,482 --> 00:06:52,382 - Yes, thank you piano but I think we get it. 119 00:06:52,382 --> 00:06:53,215 Dick! 120 00:06:53,215 --> 00:06:54,102 - Hello everybody! 121 00:06:54,102 --> 00:06:55,082 Hello Whoopsie! 122 00:06:55,082 --> 00:06:56,502 Hello Emma, old sausage! 123 00:06:56,502 --> 00:06:57,542 - Hello, Dick! 124 00:06:57,542 --> 00:06:59,582 - What are you reading at Oxford, Dick? 125 00:06:59,582 --> 00:07:01,982 - Beauty on the Mountain. 126 00:07:01,982 --> 00:07:04,682 - That's Mutiny on the Bounty. 127 00:07:05,515 --> 00:07:06,348 - Sorry. 128 00:07:06,348 --> 00:07:08,420 How's the umbrella thing, Helena? 129 00:07:08,420 --> 00:07:09,730 - Oh, Dick... 130 00:07:12,817 --> 00:07:14,558 - Why does she take umbrellas? 131 00:07:14,558 --> 00:07:17,158 - Well, it's just female hysteria, dear. 132 00:07:17,158 --> 00:07:19,678 She needs a little rogering in Hampstead. 133 00:07:19,678 --> 00:07:23,595 Ew, he has a new machine called the Happy Trappy, 134 00:07:23,595 --> 00:07:26,596 which relieves all my female tension. 135 00:07:26,596 --> 00:07:27,429 - How does it work? 136 00:07:27,429 --> 00:07:29,676 - Well, I lie down, he attaches it to me-- 137 00:07:29,676 --> 00:07:30,656 - Where? 138 00:07:30,656 --> 00:07:32,676 - Well, in Hampstead. 139 00:07:34,656 --> 00:07:35,936 - I say, Dick. 140 00:07:35,936 --> 00:07:37,836 Do you fancy a weekend in Norfolk? 141 00:07:37,836 --> 00:07:39,316 - Golly, it sounds a bit dull. 142 00:07:39,316 --> 00:07:42,356 - Well, yes it is a bit dull, but we can play Tiddlywinks. 143 00:07:42,356 --> 00:07:44,216 - Oh yes, that's sounds spiffing. 144 00:07:44,216 --> 00:07:45,356 - Splendid! 145 00:07:45,356 --> 00:07:46,756 If you'll excuse me. 146 00:07:46,756 --> 00:07:48,136 - Mind the umbrellas. 147 00:07:49,061 --> 00:07:49,894 - Ouch! 148 00:07:52,234 --> 00:07:54,334 - Good heavens, look it's Mr. Hudson coming here 149 00:07:54,334 --> 00:07:56,974 to this very house to meet me for the very first time 150 00:07:56,974 --> 00:07:59,974 and perhaps fall hopelessly in love with me which 151 00:07:59,974 --> 00:08:01,774 he will not be able to express because he is 152 00:08:01,774 --> 00:08:03,914 English and cannot mention emotions and has 153 00:08:03,914 --> 00:08:06,454 a beastly wife who cannot satisfy his perfectly 154 00:08:06,454 --> 00:08:09,294 normal manly urges which would very easily be 155 00:08:09,294 --> 00:08:11,374 satisfied with some cold cream, a hand towel 156 00:08:11,374 --> 00:08:13,194 and a copy of the Guinness Book of Records. 157 00:08:14,054 --> 00:08:15,971 Thank you, Aunt Maggie. 158 00:08:17,054 --> 00:08:19,874 - I hope I don't disturb you ladies. 159 00:08:19,874 --> 00:08:22,914 - Hey you, visitor, I'm not a lady. 160 00:08:22,914 --> 00:08:25,786 - Oh, forgive me, it is your hairstyle. 161 00:08:25,786 --> 00:08:29,032 My name is Hudson, I am in rubber. 162 00:08:29,032 --> 00:08:30,952 - Oh really, are you wearing it? 163 00:08:30,952 --> 00:08:33,192 - No, no, not wearing it, it is my business. 164 00:08:33,192 --> 00:08:35,892 - Well, of course it's your business what you wear. 165 00:08:35,892 --> 00:08:38,832 - No, no, no, it's my business, my business. 166 00:08:38,832 --> 00:08:41,552 - Mr. Hudson is the owner of the Hudson Rubber Company. 167 00:08:41,552 --> 00:08:45,072 - Oh, the manufacturer of the Happy Trappy. 168 00:08:45,072 --> 00:08:47,692 Well, I find it most satisfactory, although 169 00:08:47,692 --> 00:08:50,352 occasionally I do miss the disappointment of a 170 00:08:50,352 --> 00:08:51,652 real man. 171 00:08:54,212 --> 00:08:56,732 - Mr. Hudson discovered those gadgets in India. 172 00:08:56,732 --> 00:08:59,092 He saw the future of rubber and embraced it. 173 00:08:59,092 --> 00:09:01,272 - How precisely this woman understands me. 174 00:09:01,272 --> 00:09:03,432 And how perfectly lovely she is with her warm eyes, 175 00:09:03,432 --> 00:09:06,412 her rosy lips and her firm, welcoming curtly, bouncy-- 176 00:09:06,412 --> 00:09:08,012 - I can hear you, Mr. Hudson. 177 00:09:08,012 --> 00:09:10,352 - Very sorry, Miss Schlegel. 178 00:09:10,352 --> 00:09:12,492 - Have you seen Dick, Mr. Hudson? 179 00:09:12,492 --> 00:09:14,412 - Yes, quite a lot in India. 180 00:09:16,172 --> 00:09:19,152 - No, no, this is Dick, he's at Oxford. 181 00:09:19,152 --> 00:09:20,732 - Oh, well what is he reading? 182 00:09:20,732 --> 00:09:22,815 - The Three Musty Queers. 183 00:09:23,998 --> 00:09:25,890 - The Three Musketeers. 184 00:09:26,723 --> 00:09:28,062 - Sorry, yes, no. 185 00:09:28,062 --> 00:09:30,042 - I read French Philosophy, trouble was it was 186 00:09:30,042 --> 00:09:33,242 all in French, didn't get a word of it. 187 00:09:33,242 --> 00:09:36,482 - Mr. Hudson, you're such a card 188 00:09:56,830 --> 00:09:59,145 - Yes, yes, well, well we mustn't spend all day 189 00:09:59,145 --> 00:10:00,062 doing that. 190 00:10:01,764 --> 00:10:03,232 This isn't America. 191 00:10:06,892 --> 00:10:09,312 - How very witty Mr. Hudson is and he has 192 00:10:09,312 --> 00:10:11,772 such lovely eyes and such manly thighs and such 193 00:10:11,772 --> 00:10:13,012 eloquent hips and-- 194 00:10:13,012 --> 00:10:14,732 - I can hear you, Miss Schlegel. 195 00:10:14,732 --> 00:10:16,352 - Oh, I'm sorry. 196 00:10:16,352 --> 00:10:18,272 - Well, I must be off, I need to lubricate a 197 00:10:18,272 --> 00:10:21,872 new oiler for my jigger, I have no idea how that sounded. 198 00:10:22,972 --> 00:10:24,972 - It sounds so romantic. 199 00:10:26,692 --> 00:10:29,572 ♫ Dick, Dick, what about Dick 200 00:10:29,572 --> 00:10:31,872 ♫ Is there some dreadful mystery 201 00:10:31,872 --> 00:10:33,872 ♫ Hidden in his history 202 00:10:33,872 --> 00:10:37,572 ♫ Dick, Dick his light is short of gas 203 00:10:37,572 --> 00:10:41,452 ♫ I don't think he is playing from a full deck of cards 204 00:10:41,452 --> 00:10:43,412 ♫ Everybody likes Dick 205 00:10:43,412 --> 00:10:45,232 ♫ Everybody wants Dick 206 00:10:45,232 --> 00:10:48,892 ♫ Though he seems to be a sandwich short of a full picnic 207 00:10:48,892 --> 00:10:52,252 ♫ Dick, Dick's a cappuccino with no foam 208 00:10:52,252 --> 00:10:56,812 ♫ The lights are on but is there really anybody home ♫ 209 00:11:00,732 --> 00:11:02,812 - Those boys in the pub seemed to take a real 210 00:11:02,812 --> 00:11:04,592 shine to you, Dick. 211 00:11:04,592 --> 00:11:05,425 - Mm. 212 00:11:05,425 --> 00:11:07,752 - Dick, has anyone ever told you about the 213 00:11:07,752 --> 00:11:09,567 birds and the bees? 214 00:11:09,567 --> 00:11:11,467 - I'm 26. 215 00:11:11,467 --> 00:11:14,917 - Oh, but did anybody ever tell you 216 00:11:14,917 --> 00:11:19,363 about the birds and the birds? 217 00:11:20,943 --> 00:11:22,503 - No! 218 00:11:22,503 --> 00:11:25,863 - Well, Dick, remember when we were very young in 219 00:11:25,863 --> 00:11:30,303 the nursery with nanny, being violently incontinent 220 00:11:30,303 --> 00:11:34,343 and we were like Peter Pan, we never wanted to 221 00:11:34,343 --> 00:11:35,543 grow up? 222 00:11:35,543 --> 00:11:36,403 - Yes. 223 00:11:36,403 --> 00:11:38,363 - Well, when Peter comes fluttering in through 224 00:11:38,363 --> 00:11:40,883 the bedroom window, he wants Wendy, but not 225 00:11:40,883 --> 00:11:42,583 for a wife. 226 00:11:42,583 --> 00:11:45,343 - He's looking for a Mommy for the lost boys. 227 00:11:45,343 --> 00:11:48,123 - You are one of the lost boys, Dick. 228 00:11:48,123 --> 00:11:50,103 - Mm, because I have no mommy. 229 00:11:50,103 --> 00:11:52,043 - Because you are different, Dick. 230 00:11:52,043 --> 00:11:55,308 Lost boys are not so much as lost as hiding. 231 00:11:55,308 --> 00:11:56,983 - From whom? 232 00:11:56,983 --> 00:12:00,756 - From the cruel world, Dick, which frowns on 233 00:12:00,756 --> 00:12:04,873 boys trying on Tigerlilie's flimsy dresses or 234 00:12:04,873 --> 00:12:08,167 borrowing makeup from Tinkerbell, or going out 235 00:12:08,167 --> 00:12:10,834 hunting for rough, male pirates. 236 00:12:11,927 --> 00:12:14,347 Let me put it another way, when Oscar Wilde 237 00:12:14,347 --> 00:12:17,887 talks of a love that dare not speak its name-- 238 00:12:17,887 --> 00:12:19,267 - What's that? 239 00:12:19,267 --> 00:12:20,907 - Well, it's male love. 240 00:12:20,907 --> 00:12:24,657 - No, no, not that, that, there on the beach. 241 00:12:25,847 --> 00:12:28,514 - Oh good heavens, it's a piano. 242 00:12:29,927 --> 00:12:31,927 What's it doing on the beach. 243 00:12:31,927 --> 00:12:33,667 - Sounds like Rat Maninoff. 244 00:12:35,387 --> 00:12:38,047 - I'm going to give this piano to the working 245 00:12:38,047 --> 00:12:39,407 classes. 246 00:12:39,407 --> 00:12:40,387 - Why? 247 00:12:40,387 --> 00:12:42,447 - Because they need some new instruments. 248 00:12:42,447 --> 00:12:43,627 - But I saw it first. 249 00:12:43,627 --> 00:12:46,327 - Then we shall call it the Dick piano for the 250 00:12:46,327 --> 00:12:47,847 working classes. 251 00:12:50,907 --> 00:12:51,967 - Hey Burt. 252 00:12:51,967 --> 00:12:52,800 - Yes, Ken. 253 00:12:52,800 --> 00:12:54,087 - See that piano? 254 00:12:54,087 --> 00:12:54,920 - Yeah. 255 00:12:54,920 --> 00:12:57,027 - What's it doing on the beach? 256 00:12:57,027 --> 00:13:00,247 - Well perhaps it fell off the back of the Titanic. 257 00:13:01,080 --> 00:13:02,247 - Maybe its a symbol. 258 00:13:02,247 --> 00:13:04,247 - Nah, it's definitely a piano. 259 00:13:05,247 --> 00:13:06,747 - Hey you two idiots. 260 00:13:06,747 --> 00:13:08,045 - Yes, Gov? 261 00:13:08,045 --> 00:13:09,005 - What's your name? 262 00:13:09,005 --> 00:13:09,877 - Burton Russell. 263 00:13:11,037 --> 00:13:12,197 - The Philosopher? 264 00:13:12,197 --> 00:13:14,897 - No Sir, Burton Russell the furniture remover. 265 00:13:15,730 --> 00:13:18,757 - Oh, well, I want you to remove this piano to 266 00:13:18,757 --> 00:13:22,197 London, I'm going to give it to The Working Classes. 267 00:13:22,197 --> 00:13:24,697 - Wow, I'm sure they'll be thrilled, 268 00:13:24,697 --> 00:13:26,317 all 25 million of 'em. 269 00:13:26,317 --> 00:13:28,837 You okay, Ken, you got a bit pale. 270 00:13:28,837 --> 00:13:31,677 - There's something oddly familiar about this piano, Burt. 271 00:13:31,677 --> 00:13:32,510 - What? 272 00:13:32,510 --> 00:13:33,417 - I've seen it before. 273 00:13:33,417 --> 00:13:34,250 - Where? 274 00:13:34,250 --> 00:13:35,297 - In India. 275 00:13:35,297 --> 00:13:36,797 When I was in the regiment. 276 00:13:36,797 --> 00:13:40,964 It was August 1898, a stinking hot day in Shagistan. 277 00:13:43,617 --> 00:13:44,977 - What's going on? 278 00:13:44,977 --> 00:13:46,337 - He's having a flashback. 279 00:13:46,337 --> 00:13:49,017 - Oh dear, can you stop him? 280 00:13:49,017 --> 00:13:51,517 - Too late, Sir, it's started. 281 00:13:52,495 --> 00:13:54,715 - I was in British India in Shagistan with 282 00:13:54,715 --> 00:13:56,875 the Queen's Armed Gay Gordon's, 283 00:13:56,875 --> 00:13:58,935 a cross-dressing British regiment sent to 284 00:13:58,935 --> 00:14:01,695 raise morale on the Northwest Front Yard. 285 00:14:01,695 --> 00:14:04,355 We were a hundred men under Lord Darling, 286 00:14:05,188 --> 00:14:07,175 guarding the back passage to India. 287 00:14:07,175 --> 00:14:09,275 One day, I came across a local man by the 288 00:14:09,275 --> 00:14:11,795 name of Deepak Rushdie Obi Ben Kingsley. 289 00:14:15,215 --> 00:14:17,375 He was making something rather special. 290 00:14:20,695 --> 00:14:22,395 - There, that is it. 291 00:14:22,395 --> 00:14:23,575 It is finished. 292 00:14:23,575 --> 00:14:24,755 - What is it, Deepak? 293 00:14:24,755 --> 00:14:26,335 - Well, what does it look like? 294 00:14:26,335 --> 00:14:29,195 - Well, it looks like a dick. 295 00:14:29,195 --> 00:14:31,855 - Exactly, in fact, it is a dick, but a toy one 296 00:14:31,855 --> 00:14:32,895 for the women. 297 00:14:32,895 --> 00:14:34,095 - What kind of toy. 298 00:14:34,095 --> 00:14:35,695 - A toy women can play with. 299 00:14:35,695 --> 00:14:36,536 - Where? 300 00:14:36,536 --> 00:14:37,524 - in their privates. 301 00:14:37,524 --> 00:14:39,164 - Well, what will they do with it? 302 00:14:39,164 --> 00:14:42,522 - Well, they could, sit on it. 303 00:14:44,122 --> 00:14:45,042 - You mean-- 304 00:14:45,042 --> 00:14:45,875 - Yes. 305 00:14:45,875 --> 00:14:47,742 - Good grief! You're a monster. 306 00:14:47,742 --> 00:14:50,082 - No, that's just shortsighted, women will enjoy 307 00:14:50,082 --> 00:14:51,882 this little toy. 308 00:14:51,882 --> 00:14:53,562 - But, I can't believe that any woman-- 309 00:14:53,562 --> 00:14:56,042 - Oh, yes, they will, you will be shocked, Sergeant 310 00:14:56,042 --> 00:14:58,522 but you're looking at the future. 311 00:14:58,522 --> 00:15:00,742 Hitherto, these little private toys have been 312 00:15:00,742 --> 00:15:02,882 made only in merchant ivory but now, 313 00:15:02,882 --> 00:15:06,222 look, you, rubber, much more flexible, 314 00:15:06,222 --> 00:15:08,502 much more easily sat upon. 315 00:15:09,335 --> 00:15:10,562 - Good God! 316 00:15:10,562 --> 00:15:12,402 - You are very naïve, Sergeant, there is a 317 00:15:12,402 --> 00:15:14,382 shining future for the personal stimulator. 318 00:15:14,382 --> 00:15:16,142 You see, I believe that one day every woman will 319 00:15:16,142 --> 00:15:17,922 have one of these things, they'll have models 320 00:15:17,922 --> 00:15:19,902 of all shapes and sizes, they will make different 321 00:15:19,902 --> 00:15:21,422 things and they will shake and they will vibrate 322 00:15:21,422 --> 00:15:22,942 and they will buzz. 323 00:15:23,775 --> 00:15:25,182 They will be called The American Happy Boy, 324 00:15:25,182 --> 00:15:27,382 the Old Colonial Ghetto Blaster, Slippery Sid, 325 00:15:27,382 --> 00:15:30,842 Black Beauty, Ol' Calcutta, and your dick will 326 00:15:30,842 --> 00:15:33,042 be useful for a little while yet, Sergeant but 327 00:15:33,042 --> 00:15:34,982 when push comes to shove, it will be nothing 328 00:15:34,982 --> 00:15:37,229 better than one of these little rubber things, 329 00:15:37,229 --> 00:15:39,496 and that is the future then. 330 00:15:39,496 --> 00:15:41,656 And then the Hudson Rubber Company will be 331 00:15:41,656 --> 00:15:43,996 worth a fortune and I will get a proper Indian 332 00:15:43,996 --> 00:15:45,216 accent. 333 00:15:46,049 --> 00:15:46,882 This... 334 00:15:48,176 --> 00:15:49,843 Yes, this I believe. 335 00:15:50,936 --> 00:15:52,156 Thank you. 336 00:15:59,996 --> 00:16:02,116 - Morning, Colonel Darling. 337 00:16:02,116 --> 00:16:03,536 - Morning, Sergeant. 338 00:16:03,536 --> 00:16:05,636 How's drag night coming along? 339 00:16:05,636 --> 00:16:07,296 - Well, I mean, I'm very much looking forward 340 00:16:07,296 --> 00:16:08,129 to it, Sir. 341 00:16:08,129 --> 00:16:10,056 I've been up all night sewing their frocks. 342 00:16:10,056 --> 00:16:12,376 - Is there any finer sight than a regiment of 343 00:16:12,376 --> 00:16:14,956 young, British men in full drag? 344 00:16:16,556 --> 00:16:19,396 By God, it must terrify the enemy. 345 00:16:19,396 --> 00:16:22,558 - Scares the shit outta me, Sir. 346 00:16:22,558 --> 00:16:23,452 Good grief! 347 00:16:23,452 --> 00:16:24,792 - What is it, Sergeant? 348 00:16:24,792 --> 00:16:26,872 - Over there, Sir, in the scruff. 349 00:16:26,872 --> 00:16:28,352 - What is that? 350 00:16:28,352 --> 00:16:29,792 - It looks like a piano, Sir. 351 00:16:29,792 --> 00:16:31,772 - Beware, Sir, my Lord Darling, this piano 352 00:16:31,772 --> 00:16:33,672 could very well bring about the collapse of the 353 00:16:33,672 --> 00:16:35,052 entire British Empire. 354 00:16:35,052 --> 00:16:35,885 - What? 355 00:16:35,885 --> 00:16:37,352 - Oh, don't mind Deepak, Sir. 356 00:16:37,352 --> 00:16:38,992 He always predicting the future. 357 00:16:38,992 --> 00:16:42,052 Last week he foresaw Sarah Palin. 358 00:16:43,552 --> 00:16:44,632 - What's that? 359 00:16:44,632 --> 00:16:47,632 - Some kind of British comedian, I think, Sir. 360 00:16:47,632 --> 00:16:51,032 And then only last night, he foresaw the Kardashian's. 361 00:16:51,032 --> 00:16:53,615 - Is that some kind of disease? 362 00:16:55,472 --> 00:16:56,772 - Yes it is. 363 00:17:03,552 --> 00:17:05,252 - And you should see his little dick. 364 00:17:05,252 --> 00:17:06,952 - I beg your pardon. 365 00:17:06,952 --> 00:17:08,592 - He's got a little rubber toy, Sir. 366 00:17:08,592 --> 00:17:11,072 Apparently, women will put it up their hoochie coo-- 367 00:17:11,072 --> 00:17:13,252 - That's quite enough of that. 368 00:17:13,252 --> 00:17:15,732 Take this piano back to camp, it will make its 369 00:17:15,732 --> 00:17:19,992 debut tonight at the regimental fancy dress ball. 370 00:17:19,992 --> 00:17:21,972 - Oh no, Sir, I beg you, the rivers will run with 371 00:17:21,972 --> 00:17:24,372 blood, the wren will leave its nest, the frogs will 372 00:17:24,372 --> 00:17:26,572 fall from the sky and lambs will give birth to 373 00:17:26,572 --> 00:17:27,652 little tadpoles. 374 00:17:27,652 --> 00:17:29,332 And the owl will hoot at night and-- 375 00:17:29,332 --> 00:17:31,752 - The owl always hoots at night. 376 00:17:31,752 --> 00:17:33,712 - This one will hoot in French. 377 00:17:34,692 --> 00:17:36,412 - Oh, shut up, Deepak! 378 00:17:36,412 --> 00:17:37,432 And Sergeant? 379 00:17:37,432 --> 00:17:38,292 - Sir? 380 00:17:38,292 --> 00:17:41,252 - I want to see you in my tent the minute we get back. 381 00:17:41,252 --> 00:17:43,312 - It might be a few minutes after, Sir. 382 00:17:43,312 --> 00:17:44,145 - Why? 383 00:17:44,145 --> 00:17:45,732 - Well, I have to take a Donald. 384 00:17:45,732 --> 00:17:46,712 - A what? 385 00:17:46,712 --> 00:17:48,635 - A Donald Trump. 386 00:17:49,865 --> 00:17:52,506 - Oh, a dump! 387 00:17:52,506 --> 00:17:55,266 - So I was taken back to camp by the piano warriors, 388 00:17:55,266 --> 00:17:58,586 a small hill tribe used by the Scot's Gays for 389 00:17:58,586 --> 00:18:00,266 moving furniture. 390 00:18:00,266 --> 00:18:02,966 While Sergeant Russell took a Donald and hurried off 391 00:18:02,966 --> 00:18:04,926 to meet Lord Darling. 392 00:18:06,609 --> 00:18:07,583 It's a tent. 393 00:18:07,583 --> 00:18:09,006 - Oh, sorry 394 00:18:10,826 --> 00:18:12,166 - You wanted to see me, Sir. 395 00:18:12,166 --> 00:18:13,266 - Ah, yes, Sergeant. 396 00:18:13,266 --> 00:18:14,306 Come in! 397 00:18:14,306 --> 00:18:17,146 The thing is, I wanted a little talk with you, 398 00:18:17,146 --> 00:18:19,146 because there's something that I want to get off 399 00:18:19,146 --> 00:18:20,226 my chest. 400 00:18:20,226 --> 00:18:22,623 - That ugly picture of your wife, Sir? 401 00:18:22,623 --> 00:18:26,123 - No, my own chest, not off the furniture. 402 00:18:26,965 --> 00:18:30,155 - Perhaps it's just a bad angle, Sir. 403 00:18:30,155 --> 00:18:31,988 - It's from the front. 404 00:18:32,863 --> 00:18:34,263 - Exactly. 405 00:18:34,263 --> 00:18:36,123 - Sergeant, I'm trying to tell you something 406 00:18:36,123 --> 00:18:38,823 personal, but you know how we English people are 407 00:18:38,823 --> 00:18:40,323 with emotions. 408 00:18:40,323 --> 00:18:41,943 - We don't have any, Sir? 409 00:18:41,943 --> 00:18:45,643 - No, we have some but we don't share them. 410 00:18:45,643 --> 00:18:48,023 We're not a touchy-feely race. 411 00:18:48,023 --> 00:18:49,748 - Like the Nigerians. 412 00:18:50,848 --> 00:18:51,681 - What? 413 00:18:52,565 --> 00:18:57,109 Look, this may just be sentimental tosh, but I 414 00:18:57,109 --> 00:19:00,109 have been having feelings about something, well 415 00:19:00,109 --> 00:19:01,749 a little private. 416 00:19:01,749 --> 00:19:04,582 - Any little private we know, Sir? 417 00:19:05,789 --> 00:19:08,289 - It feels a bit awkward, I mean, after all, we're 418 00:19:08,289 --> 00:19:09,289 in the Army. 419 00:19:09,289 --> 00:19:11,189 - It's fairly common in the Navy, Sir. 420 00:19:13,889 --> 00:19:16,149 - It's just that if anything should happen to me, 421 00:19:16,149 --> 00:19:19,929 Sergeant, and this is really important, I should 422 00:19:19,929 --> 00:19:21,012 like you to-- 423 00:19:22,234 --> 00:19:24,487 - What, what did he say? 424 00:19:24,487 --> 00:19:26,767 - That's just it, I can't remember. 425 00:19:26,767 --> 00:19:28,147 - You can't remember. 426 00:19:28,147 --> 00:19:29,807 - Just that it was very important. 427 00:19:29,807 --> 00:19:32,067 - But, how could you possibly forget? 428 00:19:32,067 --> 00:19:34,227 - It was that night, when the piano appeared, 429 00:19:34,227 --> 00:19:36,927 that the Regimental Transvestite Ball, 430 00:19:36,927 --> 00:19:39,047 something terrible happened. 431 00:19:39,047 --> 00:19:41,465 - Good evening, Major Dickhead. 432 00:19:41,465 --> 00:19:42,798 - That's Dihard. 433 00:19:45,025 --> 00:19:46,465 - What? 434 00:19:46,465 --> 00:19:49,665 - It's spelled Dickhead but it's pronounced Duh hard. 435 00:19:50,725 --> 00:19:54,058 - Oh, sorry. 436 00:19:56,985 --> 00:19:59,745 Splendid sight isn't it, all these chaps in their 437 00:19:59,745 --> 00:20:00,945 frocks. 438 00:20:00,945 --> 00:20:02,112 - Stimulating! 439 00:20:02,985 --> 00:20:04,465 - Fancy a stiff one? 440 00:20:04,465 --> 00:20:06,145 - I already have one. 441 00:20:08,045 --> 00:20:09,085 - Lovely gown. 442 00:20:09,085 --> 00:20:10,165 - Thank you. 443 00:20:10,165 --> 00:20:12,125 - Sorry to interrupt this gay banter, Sir, 444 00:20:12,125 --> 00:20:14,205 but there's a bit of trouble in the camp. 445 00:20:14,205 --> 00:20:15,585 - What sort of trouble? 446 00:20:15,585 --> 00:20:17,405 - One of the civilians has been eaten. 447 00:20:17,405 --> 00:20:18,238 - Beaten? 448 00:20:18,238 --> 00:20:19,105 - No, Sir, eaten. 449 00:20:19,105 --> 00:20:21,945 - Eton as in the public school founded in 1440 450 00:20:21,945 --> 00:20:24,773 by Henry the VI part three? 451 00:20:24,773 --> 00:20:25,903 - No, Sir. 452 00:20:25,903 --> 00:20:27,823 Eatin' as in tucked into a nice sandwich, 453 00:20:27,823 --> 00:20:29,863 nibble, nibble, nibble part chewed. 454 00:20:30,943 --> 00:20:32,663 - Good grief! 455 00:20:32,663 --> 00:20:33,663 - Shall I cancel the ball? 456 00:20:33,663 --> 00:20:35,623 - Good Lord, no need to do that. 457 00:20:35,623 --> 00:20:38,503 The chaps have been up all night sewing their dresses. 458 00:20:38,503 --> 00:20:40,183 - Righto, Sir. 459 00:20:40,183 --> 00:20:41,543 But I wish I had, 460 00:20:41,543 --> 00:20:43,103 because shortly after the spot dance, 461 00:20:43,103 --> 00:20:45,323 we cut right in to who just won best frock for 462 00:20:45,323 --> 00:20:47,383 a beautiful hand embroidered ballgown, 463 00:20:47,383 --> 00:20:49,403 all hell broke loose. 464 00:20:49,403 --> 00:20:50,683 - It should have been me. 465 00:20:50,683 --> 00:20:51,516 - It was mine. 466 00:20:51,516 --> 00:20:52,683 - My frock was much better than yours-- 467 00:20:52,683 --> 00:20:53,823 - No, mine had no holes in it-- 468 00:20:53,823 --> 00:20:54,943 - Look, yours is Bastille rubbish-- 469 00:20:54,943 --> 00:20:55,963 - I don't know what your-- 470 00:20:55,963 --> 00:20:58,783 - But this terrible bickering was soon silenced. 471 00:21:02,943 --> 00:21:04,543 by a deadly attack. 472 00:21:08,743 --> 00:21:12,660 - What sort of enemy attacks during drag night? 473 00:21:13,603 --> 00:21:16,263 And I'll tell you one thing, Sergeant, 474 00:21:16,263 --> 00:21:19,903 before I die, there is a place far off in the 475 00:21:19,903 --> 00:21:23,723 future where the wind blows off of the mountains, 476 00:21:23,723 --> 00:21:26,473 and people will be kind and good, 477 00:21:28,123 --> 00:21:32,223 and respect one another and be descent and fair. 478 00:21:32,223 --> 00:21:33,683 - America, Sir? 479 00:21:33,683 --> 00:21:36,263 - No, not America, Holland. 480 00:21:40,390 --> 00:21:43,141 - But there aren't any mountains in Holland. 481 00:21:43,141 --> 00:21:43,974 - What? 482 00:21:43,974 --> 00:21:45,601 - Well, there's canals, and dykes and red light 483 00:21:45,601 --> 00:21:47,181 districts with hookers in the windows but no 484 00:21:47,181 --> 00:21:48,121 mountains. 485 00:21:48,121 --> 00:21:50,021 - The mountains are a metaphor. 486 00:21:50,021 --> 00:21:51,801 - But Holland is known for being flat. 487 00:21:51,801 --> 00:21:52,961 - It doesn't matter. 488 00:21:52,961 --> 00:21:54,921 - Well, it matters because if the metaphor is 489 00:21:54,921 --> 00:21:56,661 to signify it, it must be appropriate to the 490 00:21:56,661 --> 00:21:57,494 comparison. 491 00:21:57,494 --> 00:21:59,881 - No, no, you see, a metaphor is by definition 492 00:21:59,881 --> 00:22:03,501 a comparison between two different things. 493 00:22:03,501 --> 00:22:04,881 - That's a simile. 494 00:22:09,221 --> 00:22:12,601 But the argument was never resolved. 495 00:22:12,601 --> 00:22:15,261 Lord Darling took a terrible wound. 496 00:22:15,261 --> 00:22:17,959 - I'm done for, Sergeant. 497 00:22:17,959 --> 00:22:20,877 Don't forget your promise. 498 00:22:20,877 --> 00:22:23,037 - Oh I won't, Sir. 499 00:22:23,037 --> 00:22:23,870 But I did. 500 00:22:24,977 --> 00:22:26,717 In the morning, there were only three survivors, 501 00:22:26,717 --> 00:22:28,884 me, Deepak and this piano. 502 00:22:31,217 --> 00:22:35,557 - Look, there's Helena Schlegel walking down Bond Street. 503 00:22:35,557 --> 00:22:36,657 Helena! 504 00:22:36,657 --> 00:22:38,117 - Hello, Reverend Whoopsie. 505 00:22:38,117 --> 00:22:39,375 Is the flashback over? 506 00:22:39,375 --> 00:22:41,058 - Yes, thank God! 507 00:22:41,058 --> 00:22:43,011 - How was the weekend with Dick? 508 00:22:43,011 --> 00:22:43,851 - Marvelous! 509 00:22:43,851 --> 00:22:45,031 We played games. 510 00:22:45,031 --> 00:22:46,151 - Who won? 511 00:22:46,151 --> 00:22:47,611 - Dick came first. 512 00:22:49,391 --> 00:22:50,571 - It was such fun, Helena. 513 00:22:50,571 --> 00:22:51,991 I hardly knew I had it in me. 514 00:22:53,791 --> 00:22:56,431 - Then Dick found this piano on the beach. 515 00:22:56,431 --> 00:22:58,871 - Oh, it's a beauty. 516 00:22:58,871 --> 00:22:59,991 - Isn't it? 517 00:22:59,991 --> 00:23:01,891 - We're giving it to the Workers. 518 00:23:01,891 --> 00:23:03,611 - Oh, not to me, Dick? 519 00:23:03,611 --> 00:23:06,011 - Mr. Whoopsie says The Workers need some new 520 00:23:06,011 --> 00:23:06,871 instruments. 521 00:23:06,871 --> 00:23:09,111 - But such a beautiful piano, you might have 522 00:23:09,111 --> 00:23:10,091 thought of me. 523 00:23:10,091 --> 00:23:12,191 - Whoopsie was very insistent and apparently 524 00:23:12,191 --> 00:23:13,791 has a young man in mind. 525 00:23:13,791 --> 00:23:16,311 - Why don't you come along and meet him tonight 526 00:23:16,311 --> 00:23:18,471 at The Royal Working Men's Club. 527 00:23:23,246 --> 00:23:24,496 - Oh, Dear God! 528 00:23:25,584 --> 00:23:27,684 Oh, sweet Jesus! 529 00:23:27,684 --> 00:23:31,351 Shit, Christ, hell, fuck, will it never end. 530 00:23:32,524 --> 00:23:35,544 - I am very pleased to present The Dick Piano for the 531 00:23:35,544 --> 00:23:39,144 Working Classes to Leonard the Bastard. 532 00:23:40,804 --> 00:23:42,204 So what do you think, Helena? 533 00:23:42,204 --> 00:23:43,304 - I think it's monstrous. 534 00:23:43,304 --> 00:23:45,224 Why on earth did you choose him? 535 00:23:45,224 --> 00:23:46,624 - Well, look at him. 536 00:23:46,624 --> 00:23:48,084 He's beautiful. 537 00:23:48,084 --> 00:23:50,584 - But he can't play the piano to save his life. 538 00:23:50,584 --> 00:23:52,264 - Congratulations, Lennie. 539 00:23:52,264 --> 00:23:54,784 - Thank you very much, Reverend. 540 00:23:54,784 --> 00:23:57,104 - Leonard, this is Helena Schlegel. 541 00:23:57,104 --> 00:23:59,504 - Very nice to meet ya, Miss Schlegel. 542 00:23:59,504 --> 00:24:01,384 - How much do you want for the piano? 543 00:24:01,384 --> 00:24:03,184 - Oh no, I couldn't possibly part with it. 544 00:24:03,184 --> 00:24:04,504 - I'll give you a hundred guineas. 545 00:24:04,504 --> 00:24:06,824 - Heavens, that's more than my wife makes in a year. 546 00:24:06,824 --> 00:24:07,824 - You're married? 547 00:24:07,824 --> 00:24:09,564 - Who's the clever little ducky wucky? 548 00:24:09,564 --> 00:24:11,704 Come on, Lenny give us a smackening, 549 00:24:11,704 --> 00:24:14,944 muah, muah, muah, muah, muah, muah. 550 00:24:14,944 --> 00:24:16,304 - This is Enid. 551 00:24:16,304 --> 00:24:17,244 - Who's Enid? 552 00:24:17,244 --> 00:24:18,204 - I'm Enid. 553 00:24:18,204 --> 00:24:19,444 - She's your mother? 554 00:24:19,444 --> 00:24:20,984 - No, she's me wife. 555 00:24:20,984 --> 00:24:24,264 - Oh, sorry, it's the light in here. 556 00:24:25,944 --> 00:24:27,944 - Don't worry Vicar, if it weren't for me, 557 00:24:27,944 --> 00:24:29,284 Lennie would starve. 558 00:24:29,284 --> 00:24:31,464 - Why, what is it you do, Mrs. Bastard? 559 00:24:31,464 --> 00:24:32,784 - She has men over. 560 00:24:32,784 --> 00:24:34,504 - And what does she do with them? 561 00:24:34,504 --> 00:24:35,644 - None of your business. 562 00:24:35,644 --> 00:24:36,824 I make them happy. 563 00:24:36,824 --> 00:24:39,024 You should try it sometime. 564 00:24:39,024 --> 00:24:39,864 - Enid! 565 00:24:39,864 --> 00:24:40,697 - What? 566 00:24:43,323 --> 00:24:45,618 You're a stuck up git! 567 00:24:45,618 --> 00:24:49,118 She's looking down her nose at us, Lennie. 568 00:24:50,838 --> 00:24:52,998 - Golly, how awkward. 569 00:24:55,138 --> 00:24:57,598 Well, I must be off to play hunt the thimble, 570 00:24:57,598 --> 00:24:59,838 with the Bishop of Thornton. 571 00:24:59,838 --> 00:25:01,838 Enjoy the piano, Lennie. 572 00:25:03,038 --> 00:25:05,738 - How are we ever going to get that piano into our place? 573 00:25:05,738 --> 00:25:07,018 - We'll manage somehow. 574 00:25:07,018 --> 00:25:09,278 - Well, we'll have to get a saw and cut it in half. 575 00:25:09,278 --> 00:25:10,438 - 150 guineas. 576 00:25:10,438 --> 00:25:12,758 - I cannot lie to you miss but it's more than me 577 00:25:12,758 --> 00:25:13,638 life's worth. 578 00:25:13,638 --> 00:25:14,978 - Give me the address then. 579 00:25:14,978 --> 00:25:16,798 - It's at the bottom of Glenn Close. 580 00:25:16,798 --> 00:25:18,138 - I'll tell the Russell brothers. 581 00:25:18,138 --> 00:25:19,998 - That's in Houndsditch, miss. 582 00:25:19,998 --> 00:25:23,698 But you've probably never won't have heard of it. 583 00:25:23,698 --> 00:25:24,531 - Enid! 584 00:25:24,531 --> 00:25:25,438 - What? 585 00:25:25,438 --> 00:25:27,038 - She's only trying to help, girl. 586 00:25:27,038 --> 00:25:29,638 - Well, I don't trust her, Lennie. 587 00:25:29,638 --> 00:25:31,518 I don't like the way she's looking. 588 00:25:31,518 --> 00:25:32,351 - At me? 589 00:25:32,351 --> 00:25:33,934 - No, at the piano. 590 00:25:35,538 --> 00:25:37,198 - Hey, you two idiots. 591 00:25:37,198 --> 00:25:38,031 - Yes, miss. 592 00:25:38,031 --> 00:25:40,518 - You're to take this piano to Kensington Gardens. 593 00:25:40,518 --> 00:25:41,351 - This what? 594 00:25:41,351 --> 00:25:42,678 - I think she means the piano. 595 00:25:42,678 --> 00:25:44,738 - Well, why didn't she fucking well say so? 596 00:25:44,738 --> 00:25:46,598 - Well, she's a toff but she has very nice-- 597 00:25:46,598 --> 00:25:47,456 - Oh, she certainly does, yeah. 598 00:25:47,456 --> 00:25:50,836 - Hurry up you two Working Class wankers, to Kensington. 599 00:25:50,836 --> 00:25:53,256 - Kensington, I thought it was going to Houndsditch. 600 00:25:53,256 --> 00:25:56,314 - No, it's written Houndsditch but it's pronounced 601 00:25:56,314 --> 00:25:57,147 Kensington. 602 00:25:58,826 --> 00:26:00,546 - Oh see, that's why she's a toff and I'm 603 00:26:00,546 --> 00:26:01,606 just a cunt-- 604 00:26:01,606 --> 00:26:02,867 - Tree boy. 605 00:26:05,686 --> 00:26:07,946 Come on in, Warhorse. 606 00:26:07,946 --> 00:26:10,407 - Look, Lennie, there's a cart with our piano, 607 00:26:10,407 --> 00:26:12,266 that's not the way to Houndsditch. 608 00:26:12,266 --> 00:26:14,439 I knew it, they're heading for Kensington. 609 00:26:14,439 --> 00:26:15,579 - Perhaps there's a mistake. 610 00:26:15,579 --> 00:26:17,719 - Yeah, accepting pianos from Whoopsie Dick 'cause 611 00:26:17,719 --> 00:26:19,359 he's a mistake, quick after 'em. 612 00:26:19,359 --> 00:26:20,299 - I'll call the police. 613 00:26:20,299 --> 00:26:23,376 - No, no, no, no, not the police, Lennie. 614 00:26:23,376 --> 00:26:25,417 Think of my work. 615 00:26:25,417 --> 00:26:27,717 - What is it exactly that you do? 616 00:26:27,717 --> 00:26:29,997 - I told you, Lennie. 617 00:26:29,997 --> 00:26:32,237 It's a kind of therapy. 618 00:26:32,237 --> 00:26:34,997 - But must they take their trousers off? 619 00:26:34,997 --> 00:26:36,957 - We'll talk about that later, Lennie. 620 00:26:36,957 --> 00:26:38,677 - No, I want to talk about it now. 621 00:26:38,677 --> 00:26:40,260 - Alright, Leonard. 622 00:26:41,837 --> 00:26:43,337 I'm an ass reader. 623 00:26:46,897 --> 00:26:48,597 - You what? 624 00:26:48,597 --> 00:26:50,457 - I tell peoples fortunes. 625 00:26:50,457 --> 00:26:52,137 It's like palm reading. 626 00:26:52,137 --> 00:26:54,137 Only I read their asses. 627 00:26:55,497 --> 00:26:57,237 - Ass-trology. 628 00:27:00,137 --> 00:27:01,577 - Exactly. 629 00:27:01,577 --> 00:27:04,037 - But why do you work all the time? 630 00:27:04,037 --> 00:27:04,870 - Because. 631 00:27:07,857 --> 00:27:10,777 ♫ I'm a simple girl from Houndsditch 632 00:27:10,777 --> 00:27:13,717 ♫ Ass readings what I do 633 00:27:13,717 --> 00:27:16,877 ♫ Bend over, drop your trousers Len 634 00:27:16,877 --> 00:27:19,237 ♫ I'll read your future too 635 00:27:19,237 --> 00:27:21,257 ♫ No! 636 00:27:21,257 --> 00:27:23,217 ♫ It's part of your body 637 00:27:23,217 --> 00:27:26,417 ♫ Speaks volumes like a book 638 00:27:26,417 --> 00:27:29,817 ♫ Bend over, my sweet Lennie dear 639 00:27:29,817 --> 00:27:33,157 ♫ And let me take a look 640 00:27:33,157 --> 00:27:34,977 ♫ Can't have it 641 00:27:34,977 --> 00:27:37,517 ♫ Asstrology 642 00:27:37,517 --> 00:27:40,037 ♫ Asstrology 643 00:27:40,037 --> 00:27:44,457 ♫ As sound as the hills like Geology 644 00:27:44,457 --> 00:27:47,897 ♫ All that is written and will come to pass 645 00:27:47,897 --> 00:27:51,497 ♫ Is buried down deep in your ass 646 00:27:51,497 --> 00:27:52,557 ♫ Ugh 647 00:27:52,557 --> 00:27:56,177 ♫ Each little wrinkle and crinkle and dimple 648 00:27:56,177 --> 00:28:00,857 ♫ Will foretell the future it's really that simple 649 00:28:00,857 --> 00:28:04,317 ♫ Look on the night side and not on the black side 650 00:28:04,317 --> 00:28:08,484 ♫ Your face is your fortune but so is your backside 651 00:28:10,217 --> 00:28:12,157 ♫ Come on, Lennie 652 00:28:12,157 --> 00:28:14,557 ♫ Asstrology 653 00:28:14,557 --> 00:28:16,697 ♫ Asstrology 654 00:28:16,697 --> 00:28:21,037 ♫ It all sounds like hogwash and doorah to me 655 00:28:21,037 --> 00:28:24,697 ♫ I prefer Psychology 656 00:28:24,697 --> 00:28:29,657 ♫ Shut up and let me read your ass 657 00:28:29,657 --> 00:28:33,277 ♫ Slight little problem that's found on me ninth 658 00:28:33,277 --> 00:28:37,637 ♫ Is written down neatly upon my behind 659 00:28:37,637 --> 00:28:41,157 ♫ The past so completely and utterly gone 660 00:28:41,157 --> 00:28:45,324 ♫ Is plainly still writ upon my sit upon 661 00:28:49,828 --> 00:28:52,245 ♫ Asstrology 662 00:28:53,491 --> 00:28:55,531 ♫ Asstrology 663 00:28:55,531 --> 00:28:59,671 ♫ They say that whatever will be will be 664 00:28:59,671 --> 00:29:03,411 ♫ But whatever happens When shove comes to push 665 00:29:03,411 --> 00:29:08,327 ♫ A future is read in your tush, tush, tush ♫ 666 00:29:13,827 --> 00:29:14,807 - It's very late. 667 00:29:14,807 --> 00:29:17,127 Where can that neurotic girl be? 668 00:29:17,127 --> 00:29:18,467 - Don't worry, Aunt Maggie. 669 00:29:18,467 --> 00:29:20,027 Here's Helena now, on a cart. 670 00:29:20,027 --> 00:29:21,647 - Hey, Emma, look what I've got. 671 00:29:21,647 --> 00:29:22,967 - Not more umbrellas. 672 00:29:22,967 --> 00:29:23,907 - She's got a piano. 673 00:29:23,907 --> 00:29:25,427 - Where on earth did you get it? 674 00:29:25,427 --> 00:29:26,927 - Dick found it and gave it to me. 675 00:29:26,927 --> 00:29:28,687 - Out of breath, out of breath. 676 00:29:28,687 --> 00:29:29,520 Excuse me. 677 00:29:30,929 --> 00:29:32,183 - Yes? 678 00:29:32,183 --> 00:29:33,243 - That's my piano. 679 00:29:33,243 --> 00:29:34,076 - No it's not. 680 00:29:34,076 --> 00:29:35,043 - Oh Helena don't tell me-- 681 00:29:35,043 --> 00:29:36,203 - It's mine, Emma. 682 00:29:36,203 --> 00:29:38,483 - Give it back to me or else she'll call the police. 683 00:29:38,483 --> 00:29:40,863 - You tell her, Lennie. 684 00:29:40,863 --> 00:29:42,203 - What exactly do you want? 685 00:29:42,203 --> 00:29:44,903 - We want his piano miss hoity toity. 686 00:29:44,903 --> 00:29:46,583 - Stand aside you ruffians. 687 00:29:46,583 --> 00:29:47,943 - Why, Mr. Hudson-- 688 00:29:47,943 --> 00:29:49,683 - May I be of some assistance. 689 00:29:49,683 --> 00:29:51,763 - This lady is Nickin' my piano. 690 00:29:51,763 --> 00:29:54,683 - How dare you make scandalous aspersions about a young 691 00:29:54,683 --> 00:29:56,183 neurotic upper class woman. 692 00:29:56,183 --> 00:29:58,363 I shall thrash you, Sir with my umbrella. 693 00:29:58,363 --> 00:29:59,963 - Oh, I will take that, thank you. 694 00:30:01,103 --> 00:30:03,083 - Please, Mr. Hudson, do not thrash him. 695 00:30:03,083 --> 00:30:04,523 He is Working Class. 696 00:30:04,523 --> 00:30:05,923 - No, no. He fucking ain't. 697 00:30:05,923 --> 00:30:07,663 He ain't even working. 698 00:30:07,663 --> 00:30:09,783 I mean, Leonard's unemployed, everyone will be 699 00:30:09,783 --> 00:30:12,383 forced to fetch the police, so give me that piano back. 700 00:30:12,383 --> 00:30:14,723 Stealing a piano in broad daylight. 701 00:30:14,723 --> 00:30:17,323 Oh, why, I never heard the like of it, 702 00:30:17,323 --> 00:30:20,983 oh so help me, I've never did, in all of my born 703 00:30:20,983 --> 00:30:24,863 days, oh blimey, Lord's have mercy, cross me 704 00:30:24,863 --> 00:30:26,423 heart and hope to die. 705 00:30:34,303 --> 00:30:38,053 - What is she, some kind of Dickens Festival? 706 00:30:39,043 --> 00:30:41,126 - She's on crack cocaine. 707 00:30:42,903 --> 00:30:44,883 Get this woman out of here. 708 00:30:44,883 --> 00:30:46,966 - Eww, hello cuddle butt. 709 00:30:48,823 --> 00:30:50,223 - Do you know her? 710 00:30:50,223 --> 00:30:52,903 - Uh, no, absolutely not, never seen her before 711 00:30:52,903 --> 00:30:53,736 in my life. 712 00:30:53,736 --> 00:30:55,204 - You know this man, Enid? 713 00:30:55,204 --> 00:30:57,083 - Yeah, he's a regular, Saturdays at eight. 714 00:30:57,083 --> 00:30:58,283 - What is she talking about? 715 00:30:58,283 --> 00:30:59,116 - Woman's mad. 716 00:30:59,116 --> 00:31:00,963 - Come on, Enid, let's fetch the coppers. 717 00:31:00,963 --> 00:31:02,643 - You haven't heard the last of this. 718 00:31:02,643 --> 00:31:05,283 See you Saturday as usual, dimple butt. 719 00:31:07,103 --> 00:31:09,143 - Can I ask you a favor, Mr. Hudson? 720 00:31:09,143 --> 00:31:10,383 That man Leonard that was just here, 721 00:31:10,383 --> 00:31:11,563 would you go after him? 722 00:31:11,563 --> 00:31:13,843 - Yeah, go after him and then offer to beat his lights out? 723 00:31:13,843 --> 00:31:15,143 - No, offer him a job. 724 00:31:15,143 --> 00:31:16,143 - Oh, whatever for? 725 00:31:16,143 --> 00:31:18,043 - The piano was his, Helena took it. 726 00:31:18,043 --> 00:31:20,442 - Oh dear, that umbrella thing is getting much worse. 727 00:31:20,442 --> 00:31:22,561 - Yes and soon the police will be here and there'll 728 00:31:22,561 --> 00:31:23,442 be an awful scene. 729 00:31:23,442 --> 00:31:24,521 - Where is this piano? 730 00:31:24,521 --> 00:31:26,001 - Over there on the cart. 731 00:31:26,001 --> 00:31:26,962 - Hey, you two idiots. 732 00:31:26,962 --> 00:31:28,282 - Yes, Gov? 733 00:31:28,282 --> 00:31:29,241 - What's your name? 734 00:31:29,241 --> 00:31:30,182 - Ken Russell. 735 00:31:30,182 --> 00:31:31,361 - Don't I know you? 736 00:31:31,361 --> 00:31:32,542 - No idea, Gov. 737 00:31:32,542 --> 00:31:34,542 - His memories gone, Sir, he can't remember anything 738 00:31:34,542 --> 00:31:36,322 since the Shagistan massacre. 739 00:31:36,322 --> 00:31:37,155 - I see, right. 740 00:31:37,155 --> 00:31:38,881 Well, I want you to take this piano over to 741 00:31:38,881 --> 00:31:40,962 Trevor Howard's End. 742 00:31:40,962 --> 00:31:42,421 That is my country cottage at Norfolk. 743 00:31:42,421 --> 00:31:44,121 The piano will be safe there. 744 00:31:44,121 --> 00:31:44,954 - Alright, Gov. 745 00:31:44,954 --> 00:31:46,714 Come on, warhorse. 746 00:31:49,560 --> 00:31:51,680 - And now, Emma, I will make my excuses and I 747 00:31:51,680 --> 00:31:54,140 shall pursue Leonard Bastard to offer him a job 748 00:31:54,140 --> 00:31:56,280 in the Accounting Department. 749 00:31:56,280 --> 00:31:58,338 - I don't know how to thank you, Mr. Hudson. 750 00:31:58,338 --> 00:32:00,558 - You don't need to thank me unless, perhaps, do 751 00:32:00,558 --> 00:32:01,838 have a hairbrush? 752 00:32:01,838 --> 00:32:03,138 - Yes, why? 753 00:32:03,138 --> 00:32:05,058 - Oh, nothing. 754 00:32:06,858 --> 00:32:08,438 She detains me with her eyes. 755 00:32:08,438 --> 00:32:10,158 I have a strong compulsion towards her. 756 00:32:10,158 --> 00:32:10,991 It's as if-- 757 00:32:10,991 --> 00:32:11,978 - It's as if I could read his thoughts. 758 00:32:11,978 --> 00:32:13,178 - It's as if she could read my thoughts. 759 00:32:13,178 --> 00:32:14,418 - That's because we are speaking out loud. 760 00:32:14,418 --> 00:32:15,598 - Yes, I suppose so. 761 00:32:16,431 --> 00:32:17,658 So here we are still-- 762 00:32:17,658 --> 00:32:18,491 - Exactly-- 763 00:32:18,491 --> 00:32:19,324 - It's not as if-- 764 00:32:19,324 --> 00:32:20,157 - no, hardly at all-- 765 00:32:20,157 --> 00:32:21,218 - And just to think if something doesn't-- 766 00:32:21,218 --> 00:32:22,051 - No, of course it doesn't-- 767 00:32:22,051 --> 00:32:22,898 - What's the harm in that? 768 00:32:22,898 --> 00:32:23,731 - Simply thinking. 769 00:32:23,731 --> 00:32:24,564 - And fantasizing. 770 00:32:24,564 --> 00:32:25,418 - Perfectly normal. 771 00:32:25,418 --> 00:32:26,498 - You know what I'd like to do? 772 00:32:26,498 --> 00:32:27,331 - I have and idea. 773 00:32:27,331 --> 00:32:28,738 - I'd like to be a Butler. 774 00:32:31,818 --> 00:32:32,678 - A Butler? 775 00:32:32,678 --> 00:32:33,758 - In a great house. 776 00:32:33,758 --> 00:32:35,433 - How odd, I too dream of serving. 777 00:32:35,433 --> 00:32:36,676 - Of housekeeping? 778 00:32:36,676 --> 00:32:39,136 - To serve alongside a man who likes order and 779 00:32:39,136 --> 00:32:40,376 discipline. 780 00:32:40,376 --> 00:32:42,716 - Wearing a simple black dress of silk maybe. 781 00:32:42,716 --> 00:32:43,556 - Yes. 782 00:32:43,556 --> 00:32:46,856 - With tightly laced black corset underneath? 783 00:32:46,856 --> 00:32:48,076 - Yes. 784 00:32:48,076 --> 00:32:49,816 - Perhaps regulation black stockings. 785 00:32:49,816 --> 00:32:50,958 - Oh, certainly. 786 00:32:56,614 --> 00:32:58,874 - Forgive me, Miss Schlegel, I must just go and 787 00:32:58,874 --> 00:33:00,314 rearrange my furniture. 788 00:33:00,314 --> 00:33:01,614 - Oh heavens. 789 00:33:03,254 --> 00:33:04,874 - These are new trousers, I'm just breaking them 790 00:33:04,874 --> 00:33:05,834 in for a friend. 791 00:33:05,834 --> 00:33:06,994 - So I see. 792 00:33:06,994 --> 00:33:07,994 - Excuse me. 793 00:33:09,334 --> 00:33:11,674 - Not so fast upper class, middling class, 794 00:33:11,674 --> 00:33:13,174 poor n high class. 795 00:33:14,154 --> 00:33:15,834 Allow me to introduce myself. 796 00:33:15,834 --> 00:33:17,974 I'm a private dick by the name of Inspector McGuffin 797 00:33:17,974 --> 00:33:20,594 in New Scotland Yard, missing furniture division, 798 00:33:20,594 --> 00:33:23,494 including instruments, mouth organs, banjos and other 799 00:33:23,494 --> 00:33:26,594 such items lost from time to time and reported 800 00:33:26,594 --> 00:33:28,714 by the public to the police. 801 00:33:31,194 --> 00:33:33,714 - Well, how do you do? 802 00:33:33,714 --> 00:33:35,674 - I'll ask the fucking questions. 803 00:33:37,994 --> 00:33:40,194 - Well, Inspector, I'm a very busy man could you 804 00:33:40,194 --> 00:33:41,934 possibly tell me what all this is about? 805 00:33:41,934 --> 00:33:42,767 - Certainly. 806 00:33:42,767 --> 00:33:44,554 A young man from The Workers, Leonard the Bastard 807 00:33:44,554 --> 00:33:47,214 was given a piano from the Reverend Whoopsie. 808 00:33:47,214 --> 00:33:48,334 - I'm sorry, what? 809 00:33:50,054 --> 00:33:50,954 - A piano. 810 00:33:50,954 --> 00:33:52,634 A young laddie for The Working Class apparently playing 811 00:33:52,634 --> 00:33:55,314 piano in the Royal McMurkett Class Institute. 812 00:33:55,314 --> 00:33:58,429 Young laddie with a great bit hairstyle took a piano 813 00:33:58,429 --> 00:34:01,679 country... 814 00:34:03,748 --> 00:34:05,448 to the Kensington Gardens, 815 00:34:05,448 --> 00:34:08,428 where a man identified later to be Hudson Rubbery Company 816 00:34:08,428 --> 00:34:11,688 to, wish to take away the piano in secret 817 00:34:11,688 --> 00:34:15,048 and the same piano is far away in a far distant place, 818 00:34:15,048 --> 00:34:17,928 arousing the suspicions of the Metropolitan Opera 819 00:34:17,928 --> 00:34:20,948 and the police, namely Inspector McGuffin, 820 00:34:20,948 --> 00:34:24,288 who's demanding the same of Mr. Hudson return 821 00:34:24,288 --> 00:34:27,948 information regarding of the same piano. 822 00:34:35,428 --> 00:34:38,595 - Could you just run that by me again? 823 00:34:40,408 --> 00:34:41,968 - Mr. Hudson-- 824 00:34:41,968 --> 00:34:43,508 - Yes I got that bit. 825 00:34:43,508 --> 00:34:46,308 - Do you or do you know these have taken possession 826 00:34:46,308 --> 00:34:49,408 of the same young man, Lenny Bastard's piano 827 00:34:49,408 --> 00:34:52,988 the same said piano for the country to all uses and 828 00:34:52,988 --> 00:34:55,368 practices for your own self abuse and your 829 00:34:55,368 --> 00:34:58,228 , please? 830 00:34:58,228 --> 00:35:00,788 - I can honestly assure you Inspector, I have no 831 00:35:00,788 --> 00:35:02,748 idea what you're talking about. 832 00:35:04,108 --> 00:35:06,186 Oh yeah, 833 00:35:06,186 --> 00:35:08,186 what I be talking about? 834 00:35:09,306 --> 00:35:13,306 - Ah, are you offering us a holiday in Scotland? 835 00:35:14,586 --> 00:35:16,686 - I'm not offering you a holiday in Scotland, you 836 00:35:16,686 --> 00:35:17,886 daft tit. 837 00:35:17,886 --> 00:35:19,646 Do you no understand any English? 838 00:35:19,646 --> 00:35:21,486 Where's the fucking piano? 839 00:35:22,826 --> 00:35:24,646 - What fucking piano? 840 00:35:24,646 --> 00:35:27,346 - Don't with me, Sonny. 841 00:35:27,346 --> 00:35:28,966 - I think he means piano. 842 00:35:28,966 --> 00:35:30,986 - Oh thanks for the translatoration you upper 843 00:35:30,986 --> 00:35:33,626 tightly, upper classy emotionally retarded twat. 844 00:35:36,704 --> 00:35:39,684 - Well, do you honestly see any piano, Inspector? 845 00:35:39,684 --> 00:35:42,044 - Don't be so fucking clever with Inspector McGuffin, 846 00:35:42,044 --> 00:35:43,257 son. 847 00:35:43,257 --> 00:35:44,507 From the loo... 848 00:35:45,954 --> 00:35:48,794 From the loo, I'll trouble you no further, but I'm 849 00:35:48,794 --> 00:35:53,339 not through with you big boy so cheerio the loo, 850 00:35:53,339 --> 00:35:57,506 my kind speckled neighbor and when the 851 00:35:58,373 --> 00:36:02,153 bag of oatmeal, empty-handed, 852 00:36:02,153 --> 00:36:06,320 the more you know the less the better. 853 00:36:07,753 --> 00:36:10,654 Bebo bobbity, 854 00:36:22,613 --> 00:36:24,363 - What an odd person. 855 00:36:25,273 --> 00:36:28,333 Miss Schlegel are you hungry, would you like some dinner? 856 00:36:28,333 --> 00:36:29,774 - Oh gosh, yes, I'm starving. 857 00:36:29,774 --> 00:36:31,415 - Well, let's eat tomorrow, say at my country house 858 00:36:31,415 --> 00:36:32,248 in Norfolk. 859 00:36:32,248 --> 00:36:33,165 - Oh, okay. 860 00:36:35,112 --> 00:36:37,632 - Next day while I was on the cart, being driven up 861 00:36:37,632 --> 00:36:40,972 to Norfolk, Emma took the train to dine at Trevor 862 00:36:40,972 --> 00:36:42,332 Howard's End. 863 00:36:46,352 --> 00:36:48,772 - I'm just as excited as a little girl, to be going 864 00:36:48,772 --> 00:36:51,412 off alone to visit the man of my dreams 865 00:36:51,412 --> 00:36:54,510 I was as giggly as a giddy goose, to get away from my 866 00:36:54,510 --> 00:36:58,110 family and friends, I was feeling so very grown up 867 00:36:58,110 --> 00:36:58,943 when-- 868 00:36:58,943 --> 00:37:00,110 - Hello, Emma. 869 00:37:00,110 --> 00:37:01,310 - Reverend Whoopsie. 870 00:37:01,310 --> 00:37:02,930 - Surprise! 871 00:37:02,930 --> 00:37:04,650 - What are you doing on this train? 872 00:37:04,650 --> 00:37:07,130 - Aunt Maggie wants to make sure you were safe. 873 00:37:07,130 --> 00:37:09,270 - Oh, I'll be perfectly safe alone in a bedroom 874 00:37:09,270 --> 00:37:11,910 in a country cottage with an unhappily married man. 875 00:37:12,743 --> 00:37:14,470 - Think of your reputation, dear. 876 00:37:14,470 --> 00:37:16,070 - Aunt Maggie, you're here too? 877 00:37:16,070 --> 00:37:18,530 - I love a train journey. All the jiggling about, 878 00:37:18,530 --> 00:37:21,250 it's like the Happy Boy. 879 00:37:22,810 --> 00:37:24,030 - Is that you, Dick? 880 00:37:24,030 --> 00:37:24,910 - Hello, Emma. 881 00:37:25,743 --> 00:37:27,110 I bought me a mouth organ. 882 00:37:27,110 --> 00:37:28,930 - And I can't wait to play my piano. 883 00:37:28,930 --> 00:37:30,250 - Helena, you as well? 884 00:37:30,250 --> 00:37:32,210 - I'm so excited, I've already found three 885 00:37:32,210 --> 00:37:33,350 umbrellas on the train. 886 00:37:33,350 --> 00:37:34,190 - Give them back. 887 00:37:34,190 --> 00:37:37,210 - No, the owners got off ages ago and we're here now. 888 00:37:38,550 --> 00:37:40,970 - Spiggy Junction, Spiggy Junction, all change for 889 00:37:40,970 --> 00:37:44,248 Coupler's bottom, Wrigley in the Watch, Colonel 890 00:37:44,248 --> 00:37:48,415 Strummond Duprat, Lord Dee's Forget, Butthole's Landing, 891 00:37:50,595 --> 00:37:55,182 Downton Abbey, Upper Prostate, 892 00:37:55,182 --> 00:37:59,601 Fingley Bongley, Lower Forking, 893 00:37:59,601 --> 00:38:01,434 and Spunky Cumsnotoil. 894 00:38:03,441 --> 00:38:06,141 - Emma, welcome to Trevor Howard's End. 895 00:38:06,141 --> 00:38:08,421 - Mr. Hudson, how kind of you to invite me. 896 00:38:08,421 --> 00:38:09,254 - Ass! 897 00:38:09,254 --> 00:38:10,087 - What? 898 00:38:10,087 --> 00:38:11,461 - Hello. 899 00:38:11,461 --> 00:38:12,401 - Hello, Mr. H. 900 00:38:12,401 --> 00:38:13,521 - Hello there. 901 00:38:13,521 --> 00:38:16,241 - Oh, I didn't expect the bloody Spanish Inquisition. 902 00:38:28,209 --> 00:38:29,929 - No, no, neither did I. 903 00:38:29,929 --> 00:38:32,789 They insisted on chaperoning me. 904 00:38:32,789 --> 00:38:34,789 - Well, good grief, what did they thinks 905 00:38:34,789 --> 00:38:35,622 gonna happen? 906 00:38:35,622 --> 00:38:36,889 It's not as if we're gonna run off into the woods and 907 00:38:36,889 --> 00:38:38,449 start playing vicars and nurses. 908 00:38:38,449 --> 00:38:41,389 - No, no, I hear the woods can be really lovely 909 00:38:41,389 --> 00:38:42,689 this time of year. 910 00:38:42,689 --> 00:38:45,029 - Especially with a pig leg and some extra virgin 911 00:38:45,029 --> 00:38:46,389 olive oil. 912 00:38:47,409 --> 00:38:49,169 Well, look, please, all of you, why don't you 913 00:38:49,169 --> 00:38:51,269 just go and play with the farm machinery. 914 00:38:51,269 --> 00:38:53,729 I have to go and poison some rats. 915 00:38:53,729 --> 00:38:56,329 - May I help you poison rats, Mr. Hudson? 916 00:38:56,329 --> 00:38:58,289 - Very kind of you, Emma, but it's best 917 00:38:58,289 --> 00:38:59,869 left to a man, this job. 918 00:38:59,869 --> 00:39:02,049 - What's more natural on a Saturday afternoon than 919 00:39:02,049 --> 00:39:04,089 a good game of poisoning rats? 920 00:39:04,089 --> 00:39:05,229 Especially if you can't-- 921 00:39:05,229 --> 00:39:06,109 - Well, precisely, it's very-- 922 00:39:06,109 --> 00:39:06,942 - Healthy-- 923 00:39:06,942 --> 00:39:07,775 - Exactly, it takes my mind off-- 924 00:39:07,775 --> 00:39:08,608 - Other things-- 925 00:39:08,608 --> 00:39:10,109 - Quite, otherwise mind can get very-- 926 00:39:10,109 --> 00:39:10,942 - Whimsical-- 927 00:39:10,942 --> 00:39:11,949 - No, regular-- 928 00:39:11,949 --> 00:39:12,789 - Regime-- 929 00:39:12,789 --> 00:39:14,289 - It's hard for a man to-- 930 00:39:14,289 --> 00:39:15,429 - Fulfill himself-- 931 00:39:15,429 --> 00:39:16,262 - Quite. 932 00:39:16,262 --> 00:39:17,929 - Mr. Hudson, may I help you finish 933 00:39:17,929 --> 00:39:19,309 your sentences this weekend? 934 00:39:19,309 --> 00:39:21,749 At the weekend dance, Miss Schlegel, that would be 935 00:39:21,749 --> 00:39:22,582 so very, very-- 936 00:39:25,289 --> 00:39:26,122 - Fuck. 937 00:39:26,122 --> 00:39:27,835 - Whatever was that? 938 00:39:27,835 --> 00:39:31,745 - It's just, it's my wife, she's dying. 939 00:39:31,745 --> 00:39:32,578 - Oh dear. 940 00:39:33,845 --> 00:39:35,525 - No need to worry, she usually dies about this time 941 00:39:35,525 --> 00:39:36,358 of day. 942 00:39:36,358 --> 00:39:38,405 You can set your watch by it. 943 00:39:38,405 --> 00:39:39,505 It's from wisteria. 944 00:39:39,505 --> 00:39:40,338 - Hysteria? 945 00:39:40,338 --> 00:39:43,045 - No, wisteria, she's allergic to it. 946 00:39:43,045 --> 00:39:45,865 - She was touched incorrectly in a cave in India. 947 00:39:45,865 --> 00:39:48,125 Ever since then the sight of wisteria makes 948 00:39:48,125 --> 00:39:49,485 her wisterical. 949 00:39:51,565 --> 00:39:53,685 - You do not trust your emotions do you, Mr. Hudson? 950 00:39:53,685 --> 00:39:55,805 - I believe emotions are like rats, they should 951 00:39:55,805 --> 00:39:57,445 be poisoned at birth. 952 00:39:57,445 --> 00:40:00,665 - Mr. Hudson, do you know what a hooded clitoris is? 953 00:40:01,965 --> 00:40:04,665 - Yes, it's a kind of snake with a cap on. 954 00:40:06,325 --> 00:40:08,825 - No, it is found in the vulva. 955 00:40:08,825 --> 00:40:10,565 - Ah Argentina. 956 00:40:12,905 --> 00:40:15,125 - Have you any idea what the vagina is? 957 00:40:15,125 --> 00:40:17,445 - Well, that's a river in the Belgian Congo. 958 00:40:18,345 --> 00:40:20,245 - Oh, Mr. Hudson do not toy with me. 959 00:40:20,245 --> 00:40:22,185 My gynecologist tells me I may never be able 960 00:40:22,185 --> 00:40:23,045 to have an emotion. 961 00:40:23,045 --> 00:40:24,845 - Do not despair, Miss Schlegel, these days we 962 00:40:24,845 --> 00:40:26,825 can do wonderful things with the rubber. 963 00:40:28,685 --> 00:40:30,465 And now if you'll excuse me, I have to hit 964 00:40:30,465 --> 00:40:31,548 Tracey and... 965 00:40:32,848 --> 00:40:36,381 But more to the point, my wife is dying again. 966 00:40:36,381 --> 00:40:38,821 I must go and give her sugar. 967 00:40:38,821 --> 00:40:41,161 - What a strange man he is but I believe he 968 00:40:41,161 --> 00:40:43,501 understands me despite his attempts to distract 969 00:40:43,501 --> 00:40:46,241 me with interesting discourse about rat poison. 970 00:40:46,241 --> 00:40:47,121 - I can still hear you. 971 00:40:47,121 --> 00:40:48,561 - Oh, sorry. 972 00:40:51,961 --> 00:40:54,281 - Whoa there, look at that house, Ken. 973 00:40:54,281 --> 00:40:55,561 - Blimey. 974 00:40:55,561 --> 00:40:57,701 Anne fuckin' Hathaway's fucking cottage. 975 00:40:58,881 --> 00:41:00,661 - The last time I saw so much thatch it was on a 976 00:41:00,661 --> 00:41:02,257 stripper in Belgium. 977 00:41:04,637 --> 00:41:06,857 - Hey Burt, see that bloke lurking in the window. 978 00:41:06,857 --> 00:41:07,817 - The one watching us? 979 00:41:07,817 --> 00:41:08,777 - Yeah, do I know him? 980 00:41:08,777 --> 00:41:09,610 - Yes, Mr. Hudson. 981 00:41:09,610 --> 00:41:10,457 - He looks familiar. 982 00:41:10,457 --> 00:41:11,997 - Yeah, you saw him yesterday when he told us 983 00:41:11,997 --> 00:41:12,937 to bring the piano here. 984 00:41:12,937 --> 00:41:13,877 - Oh yeah. 985 00:41:13,877 --> 00:41:15,077 - He thought he knew you. 986 00:41:15,077 --> 00:41:15,910 - From where? 987 00:41:15,910 --> 00:41:17,117 - He didn't say. 988 00:41:17,117 --> 00:41:17,957 - Look, Dick. 989 00:41:17,957 --> 00:41:19,157 My piano is here. 990 00:41:19,157 --> 00:41:21,357 - You're jolly fond of that piano aren't you? 991 00:41:21,357 --> 00:41:22,577 - I love it, Dick. 992 00:41:22,577 --> 00:41:23,777 Thank you ever so. 993 00:41:23,777 --> 00:41:25,837 - Hey, you wouldn't marry me would ya? 994 00:41:25,837 --> 00:41:26,797 - What? 995 00:41:26,797 --> 00:41:28,797 - Become my awful wedded wife. 996 00:41:28,797 --> 00:41:31,617 - That's lawful, Dick, and it's not lawful, 997 00:41:31,617 --> 00:41:32,717 we're cousins. 998 00:41:32,717 --> 00:41:34,337 - Doesn't stop the Royal family. 999 00:41:34,337 --> 00:41:36,397 - Yes but they're all bonkers. 1000 00:41:36,397 --> 00:41:39,137 - Dick, you are very beautiful but you are a little bit-- 1001 00:41:39,137 --> 00:41:39,970 - Am I, am I? 1002 00:41:39,970 --> 00:41:41,917 - Yes, yes, Dick, Just a tad. 1003 00:41:41,917 --> 00:41:44,777 I'm so sorry, I don't care for you in that way. 1004 00:41:44,777 --> 00:41:45,997 I can't marry you. 1005 00:41:45,997 --> 00:41:48,017 - Well, nevermind, I'm gay anyway. 1006 00:41:48,850 --> 00:41:49,683 - What? 1007 00:41:49,683 --> 00:41:52,100 - He's different, that's all. 1008 00:41:55,517 --> 00:41:58,577 ♫ He's different 1009 00:41:58,577 --> 00:42:00,937 ♫ So very different 1010 00:42:00,937 --> 00:42:04,357 ♫ Oh, very different 1011 00:42:04,357 --> 00:42:07,397 ♫ In every way 1012 00:42:07,397 --> 00:42:10,877 ♫ That's right, I'm different 1013 00:42:10,877 --> 00:42:14,537 ♫ So very different 1014 00:42:14,537 --> 00:42:18,057 ♫ Oh, very different 1015 00:42:18,057 --> 00:42:20,224 ♫ Not gay 1016 00:42:21,197 --> 00:42:24,057 ♫ He's not the same as other boys 1017 00:42:24,057 --> 00:42:26,657 ♫ He likes to play with different toys 1018 00:42:26,657 --> 00:42:30,617 ♫ I like to stay out late and dress in fancy things 1019 00:42:30,617 --> 00:42:32,537 ♫ Of course you do 1020 00:42:32,537 --> 00:42:34,937 ♫ He's not the only one there's been 1021 00:42:34,937 --> 00:42:38,697 ♫ I'm not the first King who is a Queen 1022 00:42:38,697 --> 00:42:40,777 ♫ But it's illegal still 1023 00:42:40,777 --> 00:42:44,194 ♫ So that is why we sing 1024 00:42:46,637 --> 00:42:49,997 ♫ That he is different 1025 00:42:49,997 --> 00:42:52,997 ♫ Oh very different 1026 00:42:54,397 --> 00:42:57,397 ♫ So very different 1027 00:42:59,637 --> 00:43:03,387 ♫ Not gay ♫ 1028 00:43:09,737 --> 00:43:11,957 - Helena played with me all afternoon 1029 00:43:11,957 --> 00:43:14,297 tickling my ivories with her lovely fingers. 1030 00:43:14,297 --> 00:43:16,757 I must say, she has a lovely touch. 1031 00:43:16,757 --> 00:43:18,697 Meanwhile, Whoopsie and Dick disappeared 1032 00:43:18,697 --> 00:43:20,017 into the woods. 1033 00:43:20,017 --> 00:43:22,377 Maggie and Emma went for a walk amongst the 1034 00:43:22,377 --> 00:43:25,577 bluebells, and Hudson busied himself poisoning 1035 00:43:25,577 --> 00:43:28,737 rats until around three when... 1036 00:43:28,737 --> 00:43:31,697 - I say, has anyone seen Dick? 1037 00:43:31,697 --> 00:43:33,197 - What about Dick? 1038 00:43:33,197 --> 00:43:34,397 - I've lost him. 1039 00:43:34,397 --> 00:43:35,657 - What? 1040 00:43:35,657 --> 00:43:37,937 - One minute we were playing hide and seek, 1041 00:43:37,937 --> 00:43:39,857 and the next he had gone. 1042 00:43:39,857 --> 00:43:41,837 - He's probably playing a game on you. 1043 00:43:41,837 --> 00:43:43,537 - Oh, yes, of course. 1044 00:43:43,537 --> 00:43:45,737 I'm sure he'll be back for dinner. 1045 00:43:48,477 --> 00:43:50,117 - It's a lovely dinner, Mr. Hudson. 1046 00:43:50,117 --> 00:43:51,677 - The curry goat is delicious. 1047 00:43:51,677 --> 00:43:54,037 - Yes, it's something my wife picked up in India. 1048 00:43:54,037 --> 00:43:55,097 - How is your wife? 1049 00:43:55,097 --> 00:43:56,737 - Oh, still off her tits. 1050 00:43:57,977 --> 00:44:00,277 - Still no sign of Dick, it's very worrying. 1051 00:44:00,277 --> 00:44:02,157 - Perhaps we should call the police. 1052 00:44:02,157 --> 00:44:03,637 - Too late, we're here. 1053 00:44:07,510 --> 00:44:08,343 - Oh shit. 1054 00:44:10,935 --> 00:44:12,855 - My piano, um I'm sorry Inspector, 1055 00:44:12,855 --> 00:44:14,815 you can't come in here, we're having dinner. 1056 00:44:14,815 --> 00:44:16,855 - I'm warning ya's, all of ya's, every single one of 1057 00:44:16,855 --> 00:44:19,355 you toffee-nosed gits, sittin' round with your chips, 1058 00:44:19,355 --> 00:44:22,175 listening to your Chopin and your Beethoven, after 1059 00:44:22,175 --> 00:44:24,955 your suppers we have kippers and lungs and requiche. 1060 00:44:24,955 --> 00:44:28,635 Listen that frame my lips and mouth and 1061 00:44:28,635 --> 00:44:32,575 drop a little rain, falling from the gland that 1062 00:44:32,575 --> 00:44:36,555 softly quells the glistening buns and rivulets and 1063 00:44:36,555 --> 00:44:38,805 streams of Bonnie Scotland. 1064 00:44:42,035 --> 00:44:44,195 - Is this something about a holiday? 1065 00:44:44,195 --> 00:44:46,475 - You've not won a holiday, you stupid gits, 1066 00:44:46,475 --> 00:44:49,395 we're tickety boom, may I ask who owns this piano? 1067 00:44:49,395 --> 00:44:51,175 - Oh, that's mine. 1068 00:44:51,175 --> 00:44:53,555 - Oh, is that right? 1069 00:44:53,555 --> 00:44:54,975 It's your piano? 1070 00:44:54,975 --> 00:44:56,755 - Been in the family for years, matter of fact, 1071 00:44:56,755 --> 00:44:57,595 belongs to my wife. 1072 00:44:57,595 --> 00:44:59,195 - Your wife's as mad as a hatter, coo coo, 1073 00:44:59,195 --> 00:45:00,415 bonkers. 1074 00:45:00,415 --> 00:45:02,055 She hasn't got a piano. 1075 00:45:02,055 --> 00:45:04,875 This piano was stolen from Leonard Bastard. 1076 00:45:04,875 --> 00:45:08,215 - No, no, Inspector, you are mistaken, that's 1077 00:45:08,215 --> 00:45:10,675 his Helena's piano, I give it her. 1078 00:45:10,675 --> 00:45:12,555 - Leonard Bastard, what are you doing here, 1079 00:45:12,555 --> 00:45:16,055 just in time to confirm a most unlikely story? 1080 00:45:16,055 --> 00:45:17,555 - I come here to thank you for getting me the 1081 00:45:17,555 --> 00:45:19,595 job with Mr. Hudson and to give you the piano 1082 00:45:19,595 --> 00:45:20,915 you love so much. 1083 00:45:20,915 --> 00:45:22,215 - How on earth did you get here? 1084 00:45:22,215 --> 00:45:23,155 - I walked. 1085 00:45:23,155 --> 00:45:24,815 - All the way from Houndsditch? 1086 00:45:24,815 --> 00:45:25,858 - Yes. 1087 00:45:25,858 --> 00:45:26,983 - But that's a hundred miles. 1088 00:45:26,983 --> 00:45:27,816 - Yes. 1089 00:45:27,816 --> 00:45:29,133 - Would you like a glass of water? 1090 00:45:29,133 --> 00:45:31,033 - Seeing you is refreshment enough for me. 1091 00:45:31,033 --> 00:45:33,293 - Oh golly gosh, blush, blush, blush. 1092 00:45:33,293 --> 00:45:36,713 - So you see Inspector, it is Helena's piano. 1093 00:45:36,713 --> 00:45:41,015 - How very touching, it reminds me of a wee ballad 1094 00:45:41,015 --> 00:45:44,598 from my childhood, called The Lonely Trout. 1095 00:45:48,606 --> 00:45:52,773 ♫ From the heelan hills and rills o bonnie Scotland 1096 00:45:55,029 --> 00:45:59,196 ♫ Fra the bogs and fogs and soggy lochs and braes 1097 00:46:01,809 --> 00:46:05,976 ♫ From the moontin tops where lonely jocks drink whiskey 1098 00:46:08,069 --> 00:46:12,236 ♫ To the dingy pond wherein the lone trout plays. 1099 00:46:15,149 --> 00:46:19,316 ♫ There was once a laddie wandered wi his lassie 1100 00:46:22,129 --> 00:46:26,296 ♫ When she told him that her love for him was dead. 1101 00:46:28,869 --> 00:46:32,489 ♫ As she left this lonely boy 1102 00:46:32,489 --> 00:46:36,389 ♫ Who’d now lost his only joy 1103 00:46:36,389 --> 00:46:40,556 ♫ The trout raised his head and this is what he said 1104 00:46:44,569 --> 00:46:47,609 ♫ O rum ti tumti 1105 00:46:47,609 --> 00:46:48,709 ♫ TTckle yer monkey 1106 00:46:48,709 --> 00:46:50,109 ♫ Tickle di didle doo 1107 00:46:50,109 --> 00:46:51,169 ♫ Rumpy pumpy 1108 00:46:51,169 --> 00:46:52,269 ♫ Humpty dumpty 1109 00:46:52,269 --> 00:46:54,369 ♫ Tickle yer tivey too 1110 00:46:54,369 --> 00:46:55,429 ♫ Oh hankie pankie 1111 00:46:55,429 --> 00:46:56,409 ♫ Winkie wankie 1112 00:46:56,409 --> 00:46:58,369 ♫ Diddle de didle doo 1113 00:46:58,369 --> 00:46:59,409 ♫ Rinky dinky 1114 00:46:59,409 --> 00:47:00,409 ♫ Tiddley winky 1115 00:47:00,409 --> 00:47:02,469 ♫ Nicky nacky noo 1116 00:47:02,469 --> 00:47:05,252 ♫ the noo the noo the noo the noo the noo 1117 00:47:05,252 --> 00:47:06,634 ♫ O Winkie wankie 1118 00:47:06,634 --> 00:47:08,187 ♫ Nickety nackety 1119 00:47:08,187 --> 00:47:09,708 ♫ Sings the lonely trout 1120 00:47:09,708 --> 00:47:10,768 ♫ Tiggly wiggly 1121 00:47:10,768 --> 00:47:11,787 ♫ Higgly piggly 1122 00:47:11,787 --> 00:47:13,768 ♫ What is life about? 1123 00:47:13,768 --> 00:47:14,687 ♫ Mickety pickety 1124 00:47:14,687 --> 00:47:15,727 ♫ Wickety lickety 1125 00:47:15,727 --> 00:47:17,427 ♫ She was just a slut 1126 00:47:17,427 --> 00:47:19,587 ♫ Find yourself another lass 1127 00:47:19,587 --> 00:47:22,027 ♫ A nicer piece of butt. 1128 00:47:22,027 --> 00:47:23,127 ♫ Oh packety wackety 1129 00:47:23,127 --> 00:47:24,187 ♫ Nickety nackety 1130 00:47:24,187 --> 00:47:25,948 ♫ Sings the lonely trout 1131 00:47:25,948 --> 00:47:27,107 ♫ Splickety wickety 1132 00:47:27,107 --> 00:47:28,227 ♫ Pickety nickety 1133 00:47:28,227 --> 00:47:30,287 ♫ What is life about? 1134 00:47:30,287 --> 00:47:31,367 ♫ Shackety mackety 1135 00:47:31,367 --> 00:47:32,547 ♫ Thwackety crackety 1136 00:47:32,547 --> 00:47:34,347 ♫ She was just a slut 1137 00:47:34,347 --> 00:47:36,287 ♫ Find yourself another lass 1138 00:47:36,287 --> 00:47:38,925 ♫ A nicer piece of butt. 1139 00:47:38,925 --> 00:47:40,026 ♫ Splickety wickety 1140 00:47:40,026 --> 00:47:41,045 ♫ Pickety nickety 1141 00:47:41,045 --> 00:47:42,785 ♫ What is life about 1142 00:47:42,785 --> 00:47:44,025 ♫ Shackety mackety 1143 00:47:44,025 --> 00:47:45,186 ♫ Thwackety crackety 1144 00:47:45,186 --> 00:47:46,886 ♫ What is life about? 1145 00:47:46,886 --> 00:47:48,373 ♫ Shackety mackety 1146 00:47:48,373 --> 00:47:49,533 ♫ Thwackety crackety 1147 00:47:49,533 --> 00:47:51,413 ♫ She was just a slut 1148 00:47:51,413 --> 00:47:53,031 ♫ Find yourself another lass 1149 00:47:53,031 --> 00:47:55,329 ♫ A nicer piece of butt. 1150 00:47:55,329 --> 00:47:56,549 ♫ Oh packety wackety 1151 00:47:56,549 --> 00:47:57,529 ♫ Nickety nackety 1152 00:47:57,529 --> 00:47:59,089 ♫ Sings the lonely trout 1153 00:47:59,089 --> 00:48:00,229 ♫ Splickety wickety 1154 00:48:00,229 --> 00:48:01,269 ♫ Pickety nickety 1155 00:48:01,269 --> 00:48:02,709 ♫ What is life about? 1156 00:48:02,709 --> 00:48:03,829 ♫ Shackety mackety 1157 00:48:03,829 --> 00:48:04,969 ♫ Thwackety crackety 1158 00:48:04,969 --> 00:48:06,409 ♫S he was just a slut 1159 00:48:06,409 --> 00:48:08,009 ♫ Find yourself another lass 1160 00:48:08,009 --> 00:48:09,569 ♫ A nicer piece of butt. 1161 00:48:09,569 --> 00:48:10,949 ♫ Oh, packety wackety 1162 00:48:10,949 --> 00:48:12,189 ♫ Nickety nackety 1163 00:48:12,189 --> 00:48:13,689 ♫ Sings the lonely trout ♫ 1164 00:48:13,689 --> 00:48:17,129 - I think that's quite enough of that, Inspector. 1165 00:48:17,129 --> 00:48:19,269 I said come on, off, off, come on, you. 1166 00:48:19,269 --> 00:48:22,849 Off, off, off, take your boobs with you. 1167 00:48:24,349 --> 00:48:25,989 And what about Dick? 1168 00:48:25,989 --> 00:48:28,469 - I completely forgot about wee Dickie. 1169 00:48:28,469 --> 00:48:30,049 - My nephew is missing. 1170 00:48:30,049 --> 00:48:31,409 - No he's not. 1171 00:48:31,409 --> 00:48:33,089 - Oh you found Dick. 1172 00:48:33,089 --> 00:48:34,409 Oh thank heaven. 1173 00:48:34,409 --> 00:48:36,649 - Oh, shut your dribble, you big. 1174 00:48:36,649 --> 00:48:39,869 You're a disgrace to the We Free course frolicking 1175 00:48:39,869 --> 00:48:44,036 about in pines with naked laddies beneath. 1176 00:48:49,978 --> 00:48:53,942 We have indeed found him and he told me a joke. 1177 00:48:53,942 --> 00:48:55,702 We found him in the woods. 1178 00:48:55,702 --> 00:48:57,302 - In the woods, is he dead? 1179 00:48:57,302 --> 00:49:00,261 - Not quite but severely blootered. 1180 00:49:00,261 --> 00:49:02,542 He was attacked by some hungry vampire who 1181 00:49:02,542 --> 00:49:05,362 tried to eat him all up and do him like a dinner. 1182 00:49:05,362 --> 00:49:06,942 - Great Scott! 1183 00:49:09,922 --> 00:49:10,922 - Thank you. 1184 00:49:15,102 --> 00:49:17,262 - But who would want to harm Dick? 1185 00:49:17,262 --> 00:49:20,362 - Somebody who wanted to shut his face. 1186 00:49:20,362 --> 00:49:23,262 - But Dick knows nothing about everything. 1187 00:49:23,262 --> 00:49:27,179 - Do you know we have a wee saying in Scotland, 1188 00:49:30,542 --> 00:49:34,542 we men in the nuts. 1189 00:49:37,002 --> 00:49:40,822 - One can only imagine what that means. 1190 00:49:40,822 --> 00:49:43,022 - Sometimes the things we don't know are the 1191 00:49:43,022 --> 00:49:45,722 unknown knowns that we don't know we think we know 1192 00:49:45,722 --> 00:49:47,481 but others think we do. 1193 00:49:49,922 --> 00:49:53,062 - Well, that's easy for you to say, Inspector. 1194 00:49:53,062 --> 00:49:55,282 But it is idle to speculate, since Dick can 1195 00:49:55,282 --> 00:49:56,602 no longer speak. 1196 00:49:56,602 --> 00:49:58,822 - I have an Indian gentleman who specializes 1197 00:49:58,822 --> 00:50:00,882 recovering memories by the name of 1198 00:50:00,882 --> 00:50:03,549 Deepak Rushdie Obi Ben Kingsley. 1199 00:50:04,422 --> 00:50:06,502 Perhaps wee Dickie might remember something 1200 00:50:06,502 --> 00:50:08,222 when he comes out of his coma. 1201 00:50:08,222 --> 00:50:09,682 - But when will he wake up? 1202 00:50:09,682 --> 00:50:13,502 - Who knows, a few weeks, a few months, a few 1203 00:50:13,502 --> 00:50:15,682 years per chance. 1204 00:50:15,682 --> 00:50:17,902 - Years, but whatever shall we do? 1205 00:50:17,902 --> 00:50:20,735 - We must all go to Italy at once. 1206 00:50:22,985 --> 00:50:25,038 ♫ To Italy 1207 00:50:25,038 --> 00:50:25,871 ♫ To Italy 1208 00:50:25,871 --> 00:50:27,558 ♫ Oh yes, let's go to Italy 1209 00:50:27,558 --> 00:50:29,278 ♫ Where painters paint so prettily 1210 00:50:29,278 --> 00:50:30,494 ♫ On ceilings there 1211 00:50:30,494 --> 00:50:33,074 ♫ Where everyone talks wittily 1212 00:50:33,074 --> 00:50:35,014 ♫ And no one argues bitterly 1213 00:50:35,014 --> 00:50:39,034 ♫ And we'll free to really have some feelings there 1214 00:50:39,034 --> 00:50:40,814 ♫ Let's leave the soggy English rain 1215 00:50:40,814 --> 00:50:42,394 ♫ And go to Italy by train 1216 00:50:42,394 --> 00:50:46,194 ♫ To visit Florence, Venice and then Rome again 1217 00:50:46,194 --> 00:50:48,174 ♫ We'll wine and dine 'til we are sick 1218 00:50:48,174 --> 00:50:50,334 ♫ And we won't have to think of Dick 1219 00:50:50,334 --> 00:50:53,614 ♫ At least until we finally come home again 1220 00:50:53,614 --> 00:50:56,374 ♫ Italia 1221 00:50:56,374 --> 00:51:00,541 ♫ La, la la, la la, la la, la la, la la, la 1222 00:51:01,934 --> 00:51:04,714 ♫ Italia 1223 00:51:04,714 --> 00:51:08,881 ♫ Ya, ya ya, ya ya, ya ya, ya ya, ya ya, ya 1224 00:51:10,734 --> 00:51:12,734 ♫ No, I cannot stand Italians 1225 00:51:12,734 --> 00:51:14,734 ♫ They wear the gold medallions 1226 00:51:14,734 --> 00:51:16,594 ♫ And act like bloody stallions 1227 00:51:16,594 --> 00:51:18,694 ♫ All the waiters there 1228 00:51:18,694 --> 00:51:20,374 ♫ Telly, telly, dirty telly 1229 00:51:20,374 --> 00:51:22,614 ♫ It all gets on my nelly 1230 00:51:22,614 --> 00:51:24,074 ♫ As far as I'm concerned 1231 00:51:24,074 --> 00:51:26,414 ♫ They're pasterbators there 1232 00:51:26,414 --> 00:51:29,014 ♫ Italia 1233 00:51:29,014 --> 00:51:33,181 ♫ La, la la, la la, la la, la la, la la, la 1234 00:51:34,774 --> 00:51:37,534 ♫ Italia 1235 00:51:37,534 --> 00:51:41,701 ♫ Ya, ya ya, ya ya, ya ya, ya ya, ya ya, ya 1236 00:51:43,834 --> 00:51:45,494 ♫ Italian men are gorgeous 1237 00:51:45,494 --> 00:51:47,414 ♫ If you don't include the Borgias 1238 00:51:47,414 --> 00:51:49,434 ♫ For they make me slightly nauseous 1239 00:51:49,434 --> 00:51:51,194 ♫ When I read of them 1240 00:51:51,194 --> 00:51:52,854 ♫ Romeo's and Cinderella's 1241 00:51:52,854 --> 00:51:54,894 ♫ Say buon giorno and ciao bella 1242 00:51:54,894 --> 00:51:56,514 ♫ And they have umbrella's 1243 00:51:56,514 --> 00:51:58,634 ♫ Should I feel the need of them 1244 00:51:58,634 --> 00:52:01,134 ♫ Italia 1245 00:52:01,134 --> 00:52:05,301 ♫ La, la la, la la, la la, la la, la la, la 1246 00:52:06,814 --> 00:52:08,897 ♫ Italia 1247 00:52:09,974 --> 00:52:14,141 ♫ Ya, ya ya, ya ya, ya ya, ya ya, ya ya, ya 1248 00:52:16,014 --> 00:52:17,694 ♫ Rome was not built in a day 1249 00:52:17,694 --> 00:52:19,794 ♫ Though actually it looks that way 1250 00:52:19,794 --> 00:52:21,694 ♫ The Roman Empire, of course 1251 00:52:21,694 --> 00:52:23,454 ♫ Was the power there 1252 00:52:23,454 --> 00:52:25,294 ♫ There's a geezer came from Pisa 1253 00:52:25,294 --> 00:52:27,194 ♫ By the name of Julius Caesar 1254 00:52:27,194 --> 00:52:28,394 ♫ He was a little bent 1255 00:52:28,394 --> 00:52:31,054 ♫ But then, so is the tower there 1256 00:52:31,054 --> 00:52:33,294 ♫ Italia 1257 00:52:33,294 --> 00:52:37,461 ♫ La, la la, la la, la la, la la, la la, la 1258 00:52:38,814 --> 00:52:40,897 ♫ Italia 1259 00:52:41,814 --> 00:52:45,981 ♫ Ya, ya ya, ya ya, ya ya, ya ya, ya ya, ya 1260 00:52:47,654 --> 00:52:50,414 ♫ Italia 1261 00:52:50,414 --> 00:52:54,581 ♫ La, la la, la la, la la, la la, la la, la 1262 00:52:56,274 --> 00:52:59,034 ♫ Italia 1263 00:52:59,034 --> 00:53:03,201 ♫ Ya, ya ya, ya ya, ya ya, ya ya, ya ya, ya ♫ 1264 00:53:15,214 --> 00:53:16,994 - I was on the move again. 1265 00:53:16,994 --> 00:53:19,254 This time to Italy where English people go 1266 00:53:19,254 --> 00:53:20,671 to have emotions. 1267 00:53:21,954 --> 00:53:24,474 Consequently, Emma remained behind. 1268 00:53:24,474 --> 00:53:27,214 Meanwhile, the party arrived in Florence. 1269 00:53:31,154 --> 00:53:34,334 The traveling party arrived in Florence. 1270 00:53:34,334 --> 00:53:35,814 - Sorry. 1271 00:53:35,814 --> 00:53:38,214 - What joy to be in Italy with these friendly 1272 00:53:38,214 --> 00:53:41,464 men and their encouragingly lax morals. 1273 00:53:42,574 --> 00:53:44,814 - Aunt Maggie, why is that statue not wearing 1274 00:53:44,814 --> 00:53:46,014 any underpants? 1275 00:53:46,014 --> 00:53:48,294 - I suppose because it's so terribly hot dear. 1276 00:53:48,294 --> 00:53:50,234 - Amd what is that little thing? 1277 00:53:50,234 --> 00:53:53,134 - Well, it's an umbrella symbol. 1278 00:53:53,134 --> 00:53:56,551 Oh, here we are, the Pensione Berlusconi. 1279 00:53:58,094 --> 00:54:00,654 - Buon giorno, Signore. 1280 00:54:00,654 --> 00:54:03,987 - Bunga bunga, Signor pederasty Inglesi. 1281 00:54:06,394 --> 00:54:09,614 - Oh, Signor Berlusconi, how nice to see you. 1282 00:54:09,614 --> 00:54:12,374 - Ah, Signora De Clepa Inglesi. 1283 00:54:12,374 --> 00:54:15,614 I have reserved for you and your niece, 1284 00:54:15,614 --> 00:54:17,281 a room with no view. 1285 00:54:19,674 --> 00:54:21,174 - Thank you so much, dear. 1286 00:54:21,174 --> 00:54:23,507 Helena is allergic to views. 1287 00:54:24,374 --> 00:54:26,554 - Particularly right wing views. 1288 00:54:26,554 --> 00:54:30,374 - Well, welcome to Pensione where emotionally 1289 00:54:30,374 --> 00:54:32,874 repressed English people can learn to enjoy 1290 00:54:32,874 --> 00:54:34,374 themselves. 1291 00:54:34,374 --> 00:54:37,974 How to chew the pizza, how to nibble on the pasta, 1292 00:54:37,974 --> 00:54:40,414 how to swallow salami-- 1293 00:54:40,414 --> 00:54:44,014 - Yes, yes, I think that's quite enough 1294 00:54:44,014 --> 00:54:47,174 single entendre's for now, Signor. 1295 00:54:47,174 --> 00:54:49,794 Come on, Helena, let's freshen up while they 1296 00:54:49,794 --> 00:54:51,377 unload our baggage. 1297 00:54:52,214 --> 00:54:53,874 - Blimey! 1298 00:54:53,874 --> 00:54:55,554 Look at that statue, Ken. 1299 00:54:55,554 --> 00:54:57,694 - That bloke's not wearing any underpants. 1300 00:54:57,694 --> 00:54:59,454 - That's Michaelangelo's David. 1301 00:54:59,454 --> 00:55:01,194 - Michaelangelo's dick, more like. 1302 00:55:01,194 --> 00:55:02,274 - Yeah. 1303 00:55:02,274 --> 00:55:04,194 Scusi, Signore. 1304 00:55:04,194 --> 00:55:05,894 - Yeah, delivery's are around the back. 1305 00:55:05,894 --> 00:55:06,734 - Oh, charming. 1306 00:55:06,734 --> 00:55:08,674 - You bloody Italians, should be ashamed of 1307 00:55:08,674 --> 00:55:10,634 yourselves, all these naked statues. 1308 00:55:10,634 --> 00:55:13,194 Have you Italians never heard of underpants? 1309 00:55:48,294 --> 00:55:50,654 - What's he saying? 1310 00:55:50,654 --> 00:55:52,974 - He says you condescending English bastards, 1311 00:55:52,974 --> 00:55:55,174 I invite you to pull your foreskin over your heads 1312 00:55:55,174 --> 00:55:58,974 and give yourself an enema with a wine bottle. 1313 00:55:58,974 --> 00:56:01,554 May you sleep in sheep shit and your sphincter become 1314 00:56:01,554 --> 00:56:04,094 a highway for Australian rugby players. 1315 00:56:07,654 --> 00:56:09,954 - Blimey, I never knew you spoke Italian. 1316 00:56:09,954 --> 00:56:13,094 - I learned it on the train. 1317 00:56:13,094 --> 00:56:14,814 - What is it you two idiots want? 1318 00:56:14,814 --> 00:56:16,754 - Oy, don't you get lippy with us, mate. 1319 00:56:16,754 --> 00:56:18,074 Who do you think you are? 1320 00:56:18,074 --> 00:56:20,054 - You arrogant, English pigs. 1321 00:56:20,054 --> 00:56:21,854 You come from a miserable island, 1322 00:56:21,854 --> 00:56:25,694 it rains every day where the men are pederasts 1323 00:56:25,694 --> 00:56:28,554 and the women are frozen from the waist down. 1324 00:56:28,554 --> 00:56:32,721 You have no cheese, you have no wine, no olive oil, 1325 00:56:33,754 --> 00:56:35,714 no garlic, you cannot play football and your 1326 00:56:35,714 --> 00:56:37,734 music is all poo. 1327 00:56:39,194 --> 00:56:41,494 - Oh yeah, yeah well, that's where you're wrong, 1328 00:56:41,494 --> 00:56:43,754 Mister, ice cream selling bloody fascist wop. 1329 00:56:43,754 --> 00:56:46,774 Cause we have brought a piano for Miss Helena to play. 1330 00:56:46,774 --> 00:56:47,607 - What? 1331 00:56:47,607 --> 00:56:49,834 The bella signorina with the lovely swishy hair? 1332 00:56:49,834 --> 00:56:50,954 - That's the one. 1333 00:56:50,954 --> 00:56:55,394 - Well, oh, mi apologia, I invite you to stay, 1334 00:56:55,394 --> 00:56:58,014 for dinner and anal sex. 1335 00:57:10,174 --> 00:57:11,007 - Ken? 1336 00:57:15,734 --> 00:57:16,834 - Dinner would be nice. 1337 00:57:16,834 --> 00:57:17,667 - Yeah. 1338 00:57:20,044 --> 00:57:21,734 - Oh, I am so very happy. 1339 00:57:21,734 --> 00:57:24,067 At last I have my own piano. 1340 00:57:29,034 --> 00:57:31,894 ♫ One day some lovely fellas 1341 00:57:31,894 --> 00:57:34,394 ♫ Going too show me his umbrella 1342 00:57:34,394 --> 00:57:36,074 ♫ But until that day 1343 00:57:36,074 --> 00:57:39,914 ♫ Ill play upon my pi-an-o 1344 00:57:39,914 --> 00:57:41,254 ♫ If he's jealous 1345 00:57:41,254 --> 00:57:42,494 ♫ Of the fellas 1346 00:57:42,494 --> 00:57:44,914 ♫ Who have shown me their umbrellas 1347 00:57:44,914 --> 00:57:46,754 ♫ He'll be happy when I let him 1348 00:57:46,754 --> 00:57:50,054 ♫ Touch my pi-an-o 1349 00:57:50,054 --> 00:57:51,934 ♫ My Pi-an-o 1350 00:57:51,934 --> 00:57:54,174 ♫ My pi-an-o 1351 00:57:54,174 --> 00:57:56,374 ♫ It's such a lovely instrument 1352 00:57:56,374 --> 00:57:58,574 ♫ And I really love it so 1353 00:57:58,574 --> 00:58:00,894 ♫ My pi-an-o 1354 00:58:00,894 --> 00:58:03,454 ♫ My pi-an-o 1355 00:58:03,454 --> 00:58:04,974 ♫ Who wouldn't like to play 1356 00:58:04,974 --> 00:58:07,807 ♫ Upon my pi-an-o 1357 00:58:09,454 --> 00:58:11,914 ♫ From Florence down to Napoli 1358 00:58:11,914 --> 00:58:14,314 ♫ The men behave unhappily 1359 00:58:14,314 --> 00:58:19,034 ♫ If they can't get a glimpse of my sweet pi-an-o 1360 00:58:19,034 --> 00:58:21,494 ♫ The Frenchmen and the Dutchmen 1361 00:58:21,494 --> 00:58:23,154 ♫ Always shout and yell 1362 00:58:23,154 --> 00:58:24,314 ♫ How much then 1363 00:58:24,314 --> 00:58:26,274 ♫ But I won't let them touch me 1364 00:58:26,274 --> 00:58:29,734 ♫ Like my pi-an-o 1365 00:58:29,734 --> 00:58:31,674 ♫ My pi-an-o 1366 00:58:31,674 --> 00:58:34,334 ♫ My pi-an-o 1367 00:58:34,334 --> 00:58:36,354 ♫ Tickling the ivories 1368 00:58:36,354 --> 00:58:38,674 ♫ I really love it so 1369 00:58:38,674 --> 00:58:40,780 ♫ My pi-an-o 1370 00:58:40,780 --> 00:58:43,500 ♫ I so adore 1371 00:58:43,500 --> 00:58:45,760 ♫ I'll play with it all night and day 1372 00:58:45,760 --> 00:58:48,840 ♫ Until I get too sore ♫ 1373 00:58:56,900 --> 00:58:58,920 ♫ Her pi-an-o 1374 00:58:58,920 --> 00:59:01,360 ♫ Her pi-an-o 1375 00:59:01,360 --> 00:59:03,060 ♫ Who wouldn't like a go 1376 00:59:03,060 --> 00:59:05,880 ♫ Upon her piano 1377 00:59:05,880 --> 00:59:07,880 ♫ The British upper classes 1378 00:59:07,880 --> 00:59:09,900 ♫ Can all shove it up their asses 1379 00:59:09,900 --> 00:59:12,080 ♫ For the poor and struggling masses 1380 00:59:12,080 --> 00:59:14,660 ♫ Have no pi-an-o ♫ 1381 00:59:17,820 --> 00:59:19,960 - What a lucky, lucky old piano 1382 00:59:19,960 --> 00:59:21,420 - Leonard Bastard. 1383 00:59:21,420 --> 00:59:23,220 What on earth are you doing in Italy? 1384 00:59:23,220 --> 00:59:24,053 - I walked. 1385 00:59:24,053 --> 00:59:26,675 - But, that's almost 900 miles. 1386 00:59:26,675 --> 00:59:28,008 - 903, actually. 1387 00:59:29,578 --> 00:59:30,578 - Is your wife here? 1388 00:59:30,578 --> 00:59:32,318 - No, she couldn't get away. 1389 00:59:32,318 --> 00:59:33,318 - You tied her up. 1390 00:59:33,318 --> 00:59:36,238 - No, she's helping McGuffin with his Dick problem. 1391 00:59:36,238 --> 00:59:37,098 - How? 1392 00:59:37,098 --> 00:59:39,178 - Well, she's a professional ass reader 1393 00:59:39,178 --> 00:59:41,038 and she has some information that may be 1394 00:59:41,038 --> 00:59:42,378 helpful to the police. 1395 00:59:42,378 --> 00:59:43,898 - Oh gosh, really? 1396 00:59:43,898 --> 00:59:45,578 I have judged her too harshly as a 1397 00:59:45,578 --> 00:59:47,178 worthless slut who trapped you into an 1398 00:59:47,178 --> 00:59:48,238 unhappy marriage. 1399 00:59:48,238 --> 00:59:49,071 - No, no. 1400 00:59:49,071 --> 00:59:50,638 She is a worthless slut who trapped me 1401 00:59:50,638 --> 00:59:52,158 into an unhappy marriage but she is a very 1402 00:59:52,158 --> 00:59:53,998 fine ass reader. 1403 00:59:53,998 --> 00:59:57,438 - Leonard, I have been less than generous with you. 1404 00:59:57,438 --> 00:59:59,678 I want you to play with me. 1405 00:59:59,678 --> 01:00:00,511 - What? 1406 01:00:00,511 --> 01:00:01,344 - On the piano. 1407 01:00:01,344 --> 01:00:02,177 - When? 1408 01:00:02,177 --> 01:00:03,010 - Right now. 1409 01:00:03,010 --> 01:00:04,318 - Let's go. 1410 01:00:10,038 --> 01:00:11,218 - Oh, good grief. 1411 01:00:11,218 --> 01:00:12,658 Close your eyes Mr. Whoopsie. 1412 01:00:12,658 --> 01:00:13,818 You're a clergyman. 1413 01:00:13,818 --> 01:00:15,298 - What is going on? 1414 01:00:15,298 --> 01:00:17,138 - Helena is playing a piano in public with 1415 01:00:17,138 --> 01:00:19,498 a mad man of The Working Classes. 1416 01:00:19,498 --> 01:00:21,223 - How shameful! 1417 01:00:21,223 --> 01:00:23,056 Unprotected Beethoven. 1418 01:00:25,856 --> 01:00:27,496 - Whatever are we to do? 1419 01:00:27,496 --> 01:00:30,536 - Russell brothers, pick up the piano. 1420 01:00:30,536 --> 01:00:32,716 We must all go home at once. 1421 01:00:34,296 --> 01:00:35,296 - Who is it? 1422 01:00:37,466 --> 01:00:39,792 - Open the door, Emma. 1423 01:00:39,792 --> 01:00:41,752 I must see you at once. 1424 01:00:41,752 --> 01:00:43,552 - Hang on a minute. 1425 01:01:06,952 --> 01:01:08,732 Why, Mr. Hudson. 1426 01:01:08,732 --> 01:01:10,012 - Thank God, you're here. 1427 01:01:10,012 --> 01:01:12,654 - Mr. Hudson, you're in a state of some emotion. 1428 01:01:12,654 --> 01:01:13,710 - I'm sorry, these are new trousers, 1429 01:01:13,710 --> 01:01:15,690 just breaking them in for a friend. 1430 01:01:16,523 --> 01:01:18,130 - What are you doing in a house, alone, 1431 01:01:18,130 --> 01:01:19,670 with a woman whose Aunt and Sister have not 1432 01:01:19,670 --> 01:01:21,690 yet returned from Italy and with no one around to 1433 01:01:21,690 --> 01:01:23,630 notice if you were to accidentally slip upstairs 1434 01:01:23,630 --> 01:01:24,530 with a hair brush? 1435 01:01:24,530 --> 01:01:26,670 - No, I have something terribly serious to tell you. 1436 01:01:26,670 --> 01:01:28,010 My wife is dead. 1437 01:01:28,010 --> 01:01:29,070 - For real? 1438 01:01:29,070 --> 01:01:29,990 - Yeah. 1439 01:01:29,990 --> 01:01:31,230 - How did she die? 1440 01:01:31,230 --> 01:01:34,790 - An unfortunate brush with rat poison. 1441 01:01:36,090 --> 01:01:37,630 She apparently mistook it for sugar. 1442 01:01:37,630 --> 01:01:38,550 - It's easily done. 1443 01:01:38,550 --> 01:01:39,470 - I blame myself. 1444 01:01:39,470 --> 01:01:41,370 - Oh, it could happen to anyone with an unwanted wife. 1445 01:01:41,370 --> 01:01:42,510 - I wasn't there, you see. 1446 01:01:42,510 --> 01:01:43,470 I was in Manchester. 1447 01:01:43,470 --> 01:01:44,610 It was a rubber thing. 1448 01:01:44,610 --> 01:01:46,070 - A perfectly reasonable alibis. 1449 01:01:46,070 --> 01:01:47,930 - Yes, the police suspect foul play. 1450 01:01:47,930 --> 01:01:49,850 They think the same man who had done it to 1451 01:01:49,850 --> 01:01:51,630 Dick has gone and done it to her. 1452 01:01:51,630 --> 01:01:53,510 I'm sorry, I seem to have lost control 1453 01:01:53,510 --> 01:01:54,730 of my tongue. 1454 01:01:55,830 --> 01:01:57,210 - Am I making you nervous? 1455 01:01:57,210 --> 01:01:58,850 - Standing in the doorway in a nightie with 1456 01:01:58,850 --> 01:02:02,850 a light behind you, nervous isn't quite the word. 1457 01:02:02,850 --> 01:02:03,890 - I know what you'd like. 1458 01:02:03,890 --> 01:02:04,723 - Really? 1459 01:02:04,723 --> 01:02:05,730 - A nice cup of tea. 1460 01:02:11,390 --> 01:02:12,807 - Uh, it's close. 1461 01:02:16,130 --> 01:02:17,750 - Oh I love the way he stares at me when we're 1462 01:02:17,750 --> 01:02:18,583 making tea. 1463 01:02:18,583 --> 01:02:19,770 I know exactly what he's thinking. 1464 01:02:19,770 --> 01:02:21,350 - I know exactly what I'm thinking. 1465 01:02:21,350 --> 01:02:22,290 - He can read me like a book. 1466 01:02:22,290 --> 01:02:23,250 - I can read her like a book. 1467 01:02:23,250 --> 01:02:24,450 - The Big Boy's Book of Fairies. 1468 01:02:24,450 --> 01:02:25,890 - 107 nasty positions to do it. 1469 01:02:25,890 --> 01:02:27,870 - He seems to know exactly what I'd like. 1470 01:02:27,870 --> 01:02:29,510 - I know exactly what she'd like. 1471 01:02:29,510 --> 01:02:30,990 - I'd like to play tiddlywinks. 1472 01:02:30,990 --> 01:02:32,130 - She wants to be shagged senseless. 1473 01:02:32,130 --> 01:02:33,930 - Then supper at the Ritz and afterwards, dancing. 1474 01:02:33,930 --> 01:02:36,110 - Then up to the bathroom for a good scrubbing. 1475 01:02:36,110 --> 01:02:36,943 - What? 1476 01:02:36,943 --> 01:02:38,470 - With a stiff Loofah rag and scrubbing with 1477 01:02:38,470 --> 01:02:40,710 a soapy tub of water til she blushes naked all 1478 01:02:40,710 --> 01:02:42,450 over with that pale, delicate skin. 1479 01:02:42,450 --> 01:02:43,310 - Good heavens. 1480 01:02:43,310 --> 01:02:44,637 - I wanna kiss your warm, soapy buttocks, 1481 01:02:44,637 --> 01:02:45,470 - Oh! 1482 01:02:45,470 --> 01:02:46,553 - probing deeper and deeper-- 1483 01:02:46,553 --> 01:02:47,386 - Oh! 1484 01:02:47,386 --> 01:02:48,219 - Stroking and spanking and kneading and plunging 1485 01:02:48,219 --> 01:02:49,277 - and thrusting. - Oh! 1486 01:02:49,277 --> 01:02:51,495 Turn you over then plunging and thrusting you 1487 01:02:51,495 --> 01:02:52,328 - Oh! 1488 01:02:52,328 --> 01:02:55,180 - like a giant glob of internal combustion engine 1489 01:02:55,180 --> 01:02:56,013 - oh, oh. 1490 01:02:56,013 --> 01:02:58,025 - buzzing haplessly like a bee in a bottle and 1491 01:02:58,025 --> 01:02:58,858 - Ohhhh! 1492 01:02:58,858 --> 01:03:00,075 - screaming like a monkey on speed. 1493 01:03:00,075 --> 01:03:01,481 - Ooooohhhhh! 1494 01:03:02,741 --> 01:03:03,574 - Emma, dear! - Oh! 1495 01:03:03,574 --> 01:03:04,709 - We're back from Italy. - Oh! 1496 01:03:04,709 --> 01:03:05,729 - Emma, Emma! 1497 01:03:05,729 --> 01:03:06,562 - Good grief! - Ohhh! 1498 01:03:06,562 --> 01:03:07,509 - what's happening? - Oooh ooooh! 1499 01:03:07,509 --> 01:03:08,569 - Is she alright? 1500 01:03:08,569 --> 01:03:10,009 - Oh, I'd say so. 1501 01:03:10,009 --> 01:03:11,329 - Ohhhhhh! 1502 01:03:11,329 --> 01:03:12,809 - What is happening to her? 1503 01:03:12,809 --> 01:03:14,669 - Emma is having an emotion. 1504 01:03:19,349 --> 01:03:21,429 Italy had worked it's gay magic. 1505 01:03:21,429 --> 01:03:24,929 And the English were now all caring and sensitive. 1506 01:03:24,929 --> 01:03:27,262 Dick was on everyone's lips. 1507 01:03:30,379 --> 01:03:33,978 We shall skip World War I, which was mainly 1508 01:03:33,978 --> 01:03:37,228 about a horse and move on to August... 1509 01:03:39,252 --> 01:03:42,932 1929 when Aunt Maggie went to visit Dick. 1510 01:03:42,932 --> 01:03:45,052 But when she arrived at the Royal Hospital 1511 01:03:45,052 --> 01:03:48,912 for the Extremely Mad, she was in for a surprise. 1512 01:03:48,912 --> 01:03:50,132 - You've a visitor, Dick. 1513 01:03:50,132 --> 01:03:52,524 - Has there been any change in his condition? 1514 01:03:52,524 --> 01:03:54,424 - Alas, Madam, there is none. 1515 01:03:54,424 --> 01:03:57,744 - Allow me to present Deepak Rushdie Obi Ben Kingsley. 1516 01:03:57,744 --> 01:04:00,384 Visiting professor of psycho babble at the University 1517 01:04:00,384 --> 01:04:01,964 of Virginia Woolf. 1518 01:04:01,964 --> 01:04:04,704 - Oh, I read about him in the rubber ware news. 1519 01:04:04,704 --> 01:04:07,044 It seems you are the inventor of the American 1520 01:04:07,044 --> 01:04:08,184 Happy Boy. 1521 01:04:08,184 --> 01:04:10,044 - That is I, myself, good lady. 1522 01:04:10,044 --> 01:04:12,624 - Oh, it has relieved many of my emotions. 1523 01:04:12,624 --> 01:04:16,304 - Well, I am proud to have had a hand in that. 1524 01:04:16,304 --> 01:04:18,144 - We're going to seek the assistance of a 1525 01:04:18,144 --> 01:04:19,504 professional ass reader. 1526 01:04:19,504 --> 01:04:21,558 But first, we have wee surprise. 1527 01:04:21,558 --> 01:04:23,838 Mr. Russell, bring in the piano. 1528 01:04:23,838 --> 01:04:25,618 - Here ya go. 1529 01:04:25,618 --> 01:04:27,898 - Good heavens, it is the piano from Shagistan. 1530 01:04:27,898 --> 01:04:29,998 - This piano has been close to the scene of 1531 01:04:29,998 --> 01:04:32,758 all these violent attacks. 1532 01:04:32,758 --> 01:04:34,398 - You suspect the piano? 1533 01:04:34,398 --> 01:04:36,358 - Of course I don't fuckin' suspect the piano, 1534 01:04:36,358 --> 01:04:39,118 you weird Indian psycho babbling Chapati muncher. 1535 01:04:39,118 --> 01:04:40,978 I thought it may help to jog his memory. 1536 01:04:40,978 --> 01:04:43,098 - If only this piano could talk, Inspector. 1537 01:04:43,098 --> 01:04:46,716 - Piano's don't fucking talk, you silly touchy-feely wanked 1538 01:04:46,716 --> 01:04:49,714 out son of a bloody. 1539 01:04:49,714 --> 01:04:53,154 You gobbledy shaky sloppy sloppy touchy-feely bullocks. 1540 01:04:53,154 --> 01:04:55,994 But since Dick found it on the beach I thought it 1541 01:04:55,994 --> 01:04:58,994 might help him to remember a happier time. 1542 01:04:58,994 --> 01:05:00,674 - This where you wanted the piano, Gov? 1543 01:05:00,674 --> 01:05:02,349 - Just drop it right here. 1544 01:05:02,349 --> 01:05:03,630 Thank you. 1545 01:05:03,630 --> 01:05:05,630 The piano's at the heart of the mystery. 1546 01:05:05,630 --> 01:05:06,610 - Will that be all, Sir? 1547 01:05:06,610 --> 01:05:08,490 - Good heavens, is that you, Sergeant? 1548 01:05:08,490 --> 01:05:09,410 - Do I kbow you, Sir? 1549 01:05:09,410 --> 01:05:12,370 - Sergeant Ken Russell of the 13th foot and mouth. 1550 01:05:12,370 --> 01:05:15,510 Do you not remember me, I am Deepak from Shagistan? 1551 01:05:15,510 --> 01:05:17,730 - Alas Sir, he can remember nothing since the 1552 01:05:17,730 --> 01:05:19,310 massacre. 1553 01:05:19,310 --> 01:05:21,430 - Well, Darling told him something important 1554 01:05:21,430 --> 01:05:22,630 but he's forgot it. 1555 01:05:22,630 --> 01:05:23,870 - Do not worry, Inspector. 1556 01:05:23,870 --> 01:05:25,250 I will put him in a trance. 1557 01:05:25,250 --> 01:05:27,508 Now, Ken, listen to me, you're going to relax, 1558 01:05:28,341 --> 01:05:30,629 you're going into a deep sleep, 1559 01:05:30,629 --> 01:05:31,469 not you, Inspector. 1560 01:05:31,469 --> 01:05:32,949 - Oh, sorry, sorry. 1561 01:05:32,949 --> 01:05:34,829 - Just relax, Ken, Kenneth. 1562 01:05:34,829 --> 01:05:38,996 Now, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. 1563 01:05:39,849 --> 01:05:41,469 You're gone. 1564 01:05:41,469 --> 01:05:42,549 - Where am I? 1565 01:05:42,549 --> 01:05:44,709 - You are in Shagistan, Sergeant. 1566 01:05:44,709 --> 01:05:45,909 - Oh, yeah. 1567 01:05:45,909 --> 01:05:46,889 Bloody hot, innit? 1568 01:05:46,889 --> 01:05:48,309 - It's very hot, Ken. 1569 01:05:48,309 --> 01:05:49,749 - Lord, these bloody flies. 1570 01:05:49,749 --> 01:05:51,109 - Oh, these bloody flies. 1571 01:05:51,109 --> 01:05:53,009 Now you're with Lord Darling and he is talking 1572 01:05:53,009 --> 01:05:53,842 to you. 1573 01:05:53,842 --> 01:05:55,009 What is Lord Darling saying? 1574 01:05:55,009 --> 01:05:56,988 - He is telling me a very disturbing tale, Sir. 1575 01:05:56,988 --> 01:05:58,209 He's saying... 1576 01:05:58,209 --> 01:06:00,669 - There are some things I am not proud of in 1577 01:06:00,669 --> 01:06:04,502 my life, Sergeant. 1578 01:06:05,348 --> 01:06:07,949 There was a young governess I met at a coming out 1579 01:06:07,949 --> 01:06:12,116 ball , her name was Margaret. 1580 01:06:13,349 --> 01:06:16,941 She was beautiful and I couldn't help myself, 1581 01:06:16,941 --> 01:06:21,108 I plied her with Gin and I took advantage of her. 1582 01:06:22,805 --> 01:06:27,065 Too late I learned that nine months later, 1583 01:06:27,065 --> 01:06:30,185 she had a child, but by then, my regiment had 1584 01:06:30,185 --> 01:06:31,885 shipped out. 1585 01:06:31,885 --> 01:06:36,105 I still don't know the name of that child. 1586 01:06:36,105 --> 01:06:38,045 - The child's name was Dick. 1587 01:06:38,045 --> 01:06:39,525 - How could you know that? 1588 01:06:39,525 --> 01:06:41,885 Because I was that Governess. 1589 01:06:41,885 --> 01:06:43,285 Margaret was me. 1590 01:06:43,285 --> 01:06:44,618 This is my Dick. 1591 01:06:45,845 --> 01:06:47,425 - He's your son? 1592 01:06:47,425 --> 01:06:48,745 - Yes, Inspector. 1593 01:06:48,745 --> 01:06:51,445 - Oh, mommy, I'm coming out of my coma. 1594 01:06:51,445 --> 01:06:54,005 - There, there, Dick, mommy's here. 1595 01:06:54,005 --> 01:06:57,945 - Mommy, can I have a little suck on your breast, please? 1596 01:06:57,945 --> 01:07:00,845 - Well, I suppose a little wouldn't hurt. 1597 01:07:00,845 --> 01:07:02,485 See if I can still lactate. 1598 01:07:02,485 --> 01:07:03,405 Oh, yes I can. - Sergeant. 1599 01:07:03,405 --> 01:07:05,185 - Oh, yes, it's happening. 1600 01:07:05,185 --> 01:07:07,005 - Sergeant. - Oh, Russell likes it, ew. 1601 01:07:07,005 --> 01:07:09,645 - Sergeant, control, control your energies. 1602 01:07:09,645 --> 01:07:10,585 - Eww! 1603 01:07:10,585 --> 01:07:13,365 - Sergeant, for fucks sake, control the energies 1604 01:07:13,365 --> 01:07:14,425 in your head. 1605 01:07:14,425 --> 01:07:16,165 - Very difficult, very difficult, Sir. 1606 01:07:16,165 --> 01:07:18,225 - What else is Lord Darling saying to you? 1607 01:07:18,225 --> 01:07:21,392 - It's all coming back to me now, Sir. 1608 01:07:23,653 --> 01:07:26,421 It's a little bit misty but it's coming back. 1609 01:07:26,421 --> 01:07:27,481 He says-- 1610 01:07:27,481 --> 01:07:31,648 - Take this piano to my son, Dick, at Darling Hall. 1611 01:07:33,321 --> 01:07:37,077 - Very well, and so you have done, your task is complete 1612 01:07:37,077 --> 01:07:39,797 Sergeant, Dick has the piano and he has a mommy. 1613 01:07:39,797 --> 01:07:42,677 - But we still don't know who attacked him and why? 1614 01:07:42,677 --> 01:07:44,397 - That is true, Inspector, it is time for the 1615 01:07:44,397 --> 01:07:46,057 ass reading, I think. 1616 01:07:48,017 --> 01:07:49,035 - Who is it? 1617 01:07:49,035 --> 01:07:51,115 Oh, it's you, come on in, yeah, 1618 01:07:51,115 --> 01:07:53,555 come to have your body read again, have ya? 1619 01:07:53,555 --> 01:07:55,315 - You're a right naughty boy ain't ya, 1620 01:07:55,315 --> 01:07:57,075 I saw it in your bum the other day. 1621 01:07:57,075 --> 01:07:59,035 I said to myself, I said there's violence 1622 01:07:59,035 --> 01:08:01,615 in that bottom, Enid my love, those cheeks have 1623 01:08:01,615 --> 01:08:04,735 seen more than their fair share of sorrow and 1624 01:08:04,735 --> 01:08:08,295 a deep dark secret is hidden in that derriere 1625 01:08:08,295 --> 01:08:10,355 but I haven't told no one, Gov, so help me, 1626 01:08:10,355 --> 01:08:12,535 I wouldn't tell Inspector McGuffin nothing, 1627 01:08:12,535 --> 01:08:14,455 as long as you brought me that little bit of 1628 01:08:14,455 --> 01:08:16,515 money you promised me. 1629 01:08:16,515 --> 01:08:18,575 Dear, dear, what's that? 1630 01:08:18,575 --> 01:08:21,615 No, no, please, don't, stop! 1631 01:08:27,995 --> 01:08:30,375 - Houndsditch mutilator strikes again! 1632 01:08:30,375 --> 01:08:32,458 Ass reader ass-assinated! 1633 01:08:35,815 --> 01:08:37,595 - Dammit, Deepak, we're too late. 1634 01:08:37,595 --> 01:08:39,895 - Police working on the theory that they have no idea 1635 01:08:39,895 --> 01:08:41,335 what's going on! 1636 01:08:41,335 --> 01:08:42,895 - Watch to, you. 1637 01:08:42,895 --> 01:08:44,215 - This is most unfortunate. 1638 01:08:44,215 --> 01:08:46,175 I had high hopes that she might see something useful 1639 01:08:46,175 --> 01:08:47,515 in Dick's behind. 1640 01:08:47,515 --> 01:08:49,415 - Who assassinates an ass reader and why? 1641 01:08:49,415 --> 01:08:53,498 - Maybe the King of Sweden for shits and giggles. 1642 01:08:56,733 --> 01:08:57,566 - What? 1643 01:09:02,726 --> 01:09:06,367 - No, she knew something, she knew the identity of 1644 01:09:06,367 --> 01:09:07,527 the mutilator. 1645 01:09:07,527 --> 01:09:08,887 - Well, how could that be so> 1646 01:09:08,887 --> 01:09:10,761 - She opened the door in her pajamas. 1647 01:09:10,761 --> 01:09:13,428 - She had a door in her pajamas? 1648 01:09:15,854 --> 01:09:18,537 - It has to be somebody she knows well. 1649 01:09:18,537 --> 01:09:20,158 Her husband has disappeared. 1650 01:09:20,158 --> 01:09:22,897 We must find Leonard Bastard immediately. 1651 01:09:25,337 --> 01:09:26,337 - Who is it? 1652 01:09:26,337 --> 01:09:27,417 - Open the door, Emma. 1653 01:09:27,417 --> 01:09:29,097 I must see you at once. 1654 01:09:29,097 --> 01:09:30,918 - Hang on a minute. 1655 01:09:41,757 --> 01:09:45,477 - Emma, is there a window I can just-- 1656 01:09:45,477 --> 01:09:47,817 - Why, Mr. Hudson, I'm here all alone. 1657 01:09:47,817 --> 01:09:50,217 - I have something to tell you. 1658 01:09:50,217 --> 01:09:51,617 - I have a hair brush upstairs. 1659 01:09:51,617 --> 01:09:53,177 - Something terrible has happened. 1660 01:09:53,177 --> 01:09:54,637 - Leonard Bastard's wife has been murdered. 1661 01:09:54,637 --> 01:09:55,577 - No, worse than that. 1662 01:09:55,577 --> 01:09:56,998 - What could possibly be worse than that? 1663 01:09:56,998 --> 01:09:58,678 - I am bankrupt. 1664 01:09:58,678 --> 01:09:59,617 - Oh dear! 1665 01:09:59,617 --> 01:10:01,017 - This afternoon the Hudson Rubber Company just 1666 01:10:01,017 --> 01:10:01,850 collapsed. 1667 01:10:01,850 --> 01:10:02,683 - Into the Thames? 1668 01:10:02,683 --> 01:10:03,837 - Financially, you see. 1669 01:10:03,837 --> 01:10:06,538 Someone in the Accounts Department was speculating huge sums 1670 01:10:06,538 --> 01:10:08,577 against the future price of rubber and now 1671 01:10:08,577 --> 01:10:09,857 I'm utterly ruined. 1672 01:10:09,857 --> 01:10:11,017 - Oh, crikey! 1673 01:10:11,017 --> 01:10:12,717 Maybe the young man who made these speculations 1674 01:10:12,717 --> 01:10:14,717 was Leonard Bastard, the very man you begged 1675 01:10:14,717 --> 01:10:15,617 me to employ. 1676 01:10:15,617 --> 01:10:16,457 - Oh! 1677 01:10:16,457 --> 01:10:17,290 Oops! 1678 01:10:19,337 --> 01:10:21,557 - Well, oops doesn't quite hack it actually, Emma. 1679 01:10:21,557 --> 01:10:25,617 So, because of this, I have decided to accept the 1680 01:10:25,617 --> 01:10:28,797 job of a Butler in the West country. 1681 01:10:28,797 --> 01:10:31,047 - Oh, well have a good one. 1682 01:10:32,811 --> 01:10:34,478 - Yes, ta very much. 1683 01:10:35,675 --> 01:10:36,976 - No, wait. 1684 01:10:36,976 --> 01:10:38,955 I am an Englishwoman of a certain age. 1685 01:10:38,955 --> 01:10:41,635 You are the only man who ever gave me an emotion. 1686 01:10:41,635 --> 01:10:43,995 I am going to do something utterly improper. 1687 01:10:43,995 --> 01:10:44,835 - Oh yes? 1688 01:10:44,835 --> 01:10:49,002 - I am going to pack some hankies and come with you. 1689 01:10:51,396 --> 01:10:55,810 - Darling Hall, doesn't it look great in the rain, Butler? 1690 01:10:55,810 --> 01:10:58,030 - Uh, yes, my lord. 1691 01:10:58,030 --> 01:10:59,830 - Butler, what time is it? 1692 01:10:59,830 --> 01:11:01,590 19:35, by the way. 1693 01:11:01,590 --> 01:11:04,070 - Who is that woman in the giant black dress? 1694 01:11:04,070 --> 01:11:06,450 - That is the housekeeper, Miss Schlegel, Sir. 1695 01:11:06,450 --> 01:11:08,210 - Fine figure of a woman. 1696 01:11:08,210 --> 01:11:10,590 - Yes, Sir, she does her job very well. 1697 01:11:10,590 --> 01:11:14,350 - This weekend, I'm having a Nazi party, the usual 1698 01:11:14,350 --> 01:11:18,150 thing, you know, uniforms, speeches, search lights, 1699 01:11:18,150 --> 01:11:22,090 discipline, boots, bondage, Vodka, and tight leather 1700 01:11:22,090 --> 01:11:23,050 trousers. 1701 01:11:24,130 --> 01:11:25,590 - Very good, my lord. 1702 01:11:25,590 --> 01:11:27,990 - This will be the first Nazi party ever held in 1703 01:11:27,990 --> 01:11:31,910 England and here's the order of events. 1704 01:11:31,910 --> 01:11:35,827 There'll be hi and hello, getting to know you cocktails, 1705 01:11:35,827 --> 01:11:40,335 with a few introductory remarks about the Third Reich, 1706 01:11:40,335 --> 01:11:44,168 what happened to the other two reich's and why 1707 01:11:45,008 --> 01:11:48,668 this one will last, ever so much longer. 1708 01:11:49,928 --> 01:11:51,628 - Very good, my lord. 1709 01:11:51,628 --> 01:11:53,728 - Mr. Hudson, might I have a word with you? 1710 01:11:53,728 --> 01:11:55,028 - Yes, of course, Miss Emma. 1711 01:11:55,028 --> 01:11:56,688 - There is to be a Nazi party here? 1712 01:11:56,688 --> 01:11:57,928 - Just a very small one. 1713 01:11:57,928 --> 01:11:59,468 - And why have you been avoiding me? 1714 01:11:59,468 --> 01:12:01,668 - Because I am a Butler and you are a housekeeper 1715 01:12:01,668 --> 01:12:03,528 and in this country, any contact is not only 1716 01:12:03,528 --> 01:12:05,908 immoral but it is also illegal contrary to 1717 01:12:05,908 --> 01:12:07,888 the naughty behaviors Act with servants 1718 01:12:07,888 --> 01:12:08,748 1932. 1719 01:12:08,748 --> 01:12:09,856 - But surely-- - No. 1720 01:12:09,856 --> 01:12:10,922 - Not even if-- - No. 1721 01:12:10,922 --> 01:12:12,579 - But suppose we were to-- - No. 1722 01:12:12,579 --> 01:12:13,687 - On our own time-- - Impossible. 1723 01:12:13,687 --> 01:12:14,794 - At weekends-- - No. 1724 01:12:14,794 --> 01:12:15,627 - In the garage-- - Out of the question. 1725 01:12:15,627 --> 01:12:17,146 This is England, we must 1726 01:12:17,146 --> 01:12:18,486 have no more emotions. 1727 01:12:18,486 --> 01:12:20,506 - But I have brought this hairbrush. 1728 01:12:24,062 --> 01:12:24,895 - Shit. 1729 01:12:26,040 --> 01:12:27,457 Come here, woman. 1730 01:12:28,580 --> 01:12:30,240 Get on my springy thing. 1731 01:12:32,320 --> 01:12:33,380 Come on. 1732 01:12:33,380 --> 01:12:35,420 - What on earth is going on, Emma? 1733 01:12:35,420 --> 01:12:38,240 - Aunt Maggie, Whoopsie, Helena and Dick. 1734 01:12:38,240 --> 01:12:40,800 - What on earth are they doing, mommy, I'm scared. 1735 01:12:40,800 --> 01:12:42,580 - Miss Emma was merely helping me clean the 1736 01:12:42,580 --> 01:12:44,120 floor with her posterior. 1737 01:12:44,120 --> 01:12:48,120 - No, Henry, no more lies, I'm a fully grown woman 1738 01:12:48,120 --> 01:12:50,720 and I am entitled to an emotion now and again. 1739 01:12:50,720 --> 01:12:52,800 - Good heavens, this isn't America. 1740 01:12:52,800 --> 01:12:54,900 - What on earth is going on, Butler? 1741 01:12:54,900 --> 01:12:56,800 Who are all these people? 1742 01:12:56,800 --> 01:12:59,100 - Lord Darling, this is your long lost brother, 1743 01:12:59,100 --> 01:12:59,933 Dick. 1744 01:12:59,933 --> 01:13:00,766 - Hello, Bro. 1745 01:13:01,599 --> 01:13:04,510 Want to see my mouth organ? 1746 01:13:05,590 --> 01:13:08,257 - Good heavens, it's the Nazi's. 1747 01:13:09,650 --> 01:13:11,210 - Hello, Darling. 1748 01:13:11,210 --> 01:13:15,043 - Countess Von Kunst, welcome to Darling Hall. 1749 01:13:15,950 --> 01:13:18,030 - It's important that you English understand 1750 01:13:18,030 --> 01:13:22,023 when Nazi's have a party, it's a fun thing. 1751 01:13:22,023 --> 01:13:23,568 Mein über Butler? 1752 01:13:23,568 --> 01:13:24,728 - Yes, Countess? 1753 01:13:24,728 --> 01:13:26,128 - Do you have a piano? 1754 01:13:26,128 --> 01:13:28,328 - No, Countess, no piano at Darling Hall. 1755 01:13:28,328 --> 01:13:30,348 - Then what Is that? 1756 01:13:30,348 --> 01:13:34,766 - Good heavens, that is a piano. 1757 01:13:34,766 --> 01:13:37,466 - Good grief, it is the piano. 1758 01:13:37,466 --> 01:13:40,666 - It is Lord Darling's, a gift from his dead daddy. 1759 01:13:40,666 --> 01:13:43,074 - Deepak, is that you? 1760 01:13:43,074 --> 01:13:46,241 - Hello, Mr. Hudson, long time no see. 1761 01:13:47,601 --> 01:13:50,940 - What on earth are you doing here? 1762 01:13:50,940 --> 01:13:54,380 - Well, I'm just talking to you at the moment. 1763 01:13:54,380 --> 01:13:57,100 - Yes, I can see that, but why? 1764 01:13:57,100 --> 01:14:00,940 - Because they think it's funny, Sir. 1765 01:14:00,940 --> 01:14:03,328 - It is a bit confusing. 1766 01:14:03,328 --> 01:14:04,411 - Yes, it is. 1767 01:14:09,057 --> 01:14:13,089 - I would like to play a song about the fuhrer, 1768 01:14:13,089 --> 01:14:17,006 but first I should warm up with the diva scale. 1769 01:14:19,595 --> 01:14:23,762 ♫ Do Re Mi Mi Mi Mi Mi Mi ♫ 1770 01:14:30,155 --> 01:14:34,322 ♫ Mi Mi Mi Mi Mi Mi Mi Mi ♫ 1771 01:14:36,955 --> 01:14:40,075 What is that, what is wrong with this piano, 1772 01:14:40,075 --> 01:14:42,175 it is like England, it doesn't work. 1773 01:14:42,175 --> 01:14:44,402 There's something trapped inside it. 1774 01:14:49,531 --> 01:14:53,251 - What is a vibrator doing inside a piano? 1775 01:14:53,251 --> 01:14:56,391 - That's a rather long story. 1776 01:15:03,318 --> 01:15:04,541 - Who are you? 1777 01:15:04,541 --> 01:15:06,958 - A rather long story teller. 1778 01:15:08,960 --> 01:15:11,550 - This is Inspector McGuffin. 1779 01:15:11,550 --> 01:15:14,230 - Not in fact so, madam, I'm a private dick, 1780 01:15:14,230 --> 01:15:15,750 my real name is Holmes. 1781 01:15:15,750 --> 01:15:17,870 - Good heavens, Sherlock Holmes? 1782 01:15:17,870 --> 01:15:20,210 - No, Shylock Holmes, his Jewish cousin. 1783 01:15:23,098 --> 01:15:26,108 - Why is there a dildo shtook in this piano? 1784 01:15:26,108 --> 01:15:27,908 - It was hidden there madam by someone in 1785 01:15:27,908 --> 01:15:29,148 this room 1786 01:15:29,148 --> 01:15:30,308 - What does it matter? 1787 01:15:30,308 --> 01:15:32,288 - It matters because it reveals the identity of a 1788 01:15:32,288 --> 01:15:34,508 murderer, Butler, I arrest you for the murder of 1789 01:15:34,508 --> 01:15:36,048 Henry Hudson. 1790 01:15:36,048 --> 01:15:38,368 - But this is Henry Hudson, Inspector. 1791 01:15:38,368 --> 01:15:39,468 - No, Sir. 1792 01:15:39,468 --> 01:15:40,988 - This man is called Hopkins, who killed 1793 01:15:40,988 --> 01:15:42,888 the original Hudson to gain control of 1794 01:15:42,888 --> 01:15:43,988 the rubber market. 1795 01:15:43,988 --> 01:15:45,828 He attacked little Dicky in the woods and 1796 01:15:45,828 --> 01:15:47,828 poisoned his wife for seeing him attack Dick 1797 01:15:47,828 --> 01:15:48,748 from a window. 1798 01:15:48,748 --> 01:15:50,668 And he bludgeoned poor Enid to death 1799 01:15:50,668 --> 01:15:53,008 when she planned to reveal that she read his backside 1800 01:15:53,008 --> 01:15:56,488 that he is the Houndsditch mutilator. 1801 01:15:56,488 --> 01:15:59,688 Butler, I arrest you for the murder of Henry Hudson. 1802 01:15:59,688 --> 01:16:01,668 - Oh, Henry, they will hang you. 1803 01:16:01,668 --> 01:16:03,751 - I'm already hung, Emma. 1804 01:16:05,278 --> 01:16:06,886 - I know that. 1805 01:16:06,886 --> 01:16:08,386 I'm bearing your child. 1806 01:16:08,386 --> 01:16:10,346 - Then leave this sorry island, England is 1807 01:16:10,346 --> 01:16:12,226 finished, the future is Holland. 1808 01:16:12,226 --> 01:16:13,186 - America? 1809 01:16:13,186 --> 01:16:15,186 - Yeah, in America, yeah. 1810 01:16:15,186 --> 01:16:16,846 Where they have more respect for a person of 1811 01:16:16,846 --> 01:16:18,526 violence and they won't stop short of having 1812 01:16:18,526 --> 01:16:20,906 automatic weapons just because they're insane. 1813 01:16:23,066 --> 01:16:25,346 So the Butler was arrested and sentenced to be 1814 01:16:25,346 --> 01:16:28,306 hanged by the neck until he wasn't at all well. 1815 01:16:28,306 --> 01:16:31,526 Leonard Bastard married Helena and together they 1816 01:16:31,526 --> 01:16:33,526 opened an umbrella shop. 1817 01:16:34,426 --> 01:16:36,246 Reverend Whoopsie became the Arch Bishop of 1818 01:16:36,246 --> 01:16:37,946 Canterbury. 1819 01:16:37,946 --> 01:16:40,446 Aunt Maggie moved to Holland where she demonstrates 1820 01:16:40,446 --> 01:16:42,726 personal vibrators. 1821 01:16:42,726 --> 01:16:46,086 And as for me, the piano, I was bought by 1822 01:16:46,086 --> 01:16:47,003 Elton John. 1823 01:16:48,798 --> 01:16:53,284 And I'm currently starring in Las Vegas where I 1824 01:16:53,284 --> 01:16:56,867 made this, one of Elton John's finest hits. 1825 01:17:00,924 --> 01:17:02,504 ♫ O rum ti tumti 1826 01:17:02,504 --> 01:17:03,624 ♫ Tickle yer monkey 1827 01:17:03,624 --> 01:17:05,204 ♫ Tickle di didle doo 1828 01:17:05,204 --> 01:17:06,244 ♫ Rumpy pumpy 1829 01:17:06,244 --> 01:17:07,304 ♫ Humpty dumpty 1830 01:17:07,304 --> 01:17:09,044 ♫ Tickle yer tivey too 1831 01:17:09,044 --> 01:17:10,124 ♫ Oh hankie pankie 1832 01:17:10,124 --> 01:17:11,184 ♫ Winkie wankie 1833 01:17:11,184 --> 01:17:12,904 ♫ Diddle de didle doo 1834 01:17:12,904 --> 01:17:13,924 ♫ Rinky dinky 1835 01:17:13,924 --> 01:17:14,964 ♫ Tiddley winky 1836 01:17:14,964 --> 01:17:16,944 ♫ Nicky nacky noo 1837 01:17:16,944 --> 01:17:20,584 ♫ the noo the noo the noo the noo the noo 1838 01:17:20,584 --> 01:17:21,924 ♫ O muckety buckety 1839 01:17:21,924 --> 01:17:23,004 ♫ Shmackety crackety 1840 01:17:23,004 --> 01:17:24,504 ♫ Sings the lonely trout 1841 01:17:24,504 --> 01:17:25,624 ♫ Tiggly wiggly 1842 01:17:25,624 --> 01:17:26,644 ♫ Higgly piggly 1843 01:17:26,644 --> 01:17:28,224 ♫ What is life about 1844 01:17:28,224 --> 01:17:29,464 ♫ Mickety pickety 1845 01:17:29,464 --> 01:17:30,644 ♫ Wickety lickety 1846 01:17:30,644 --> 01:17:32,144 ♫ She was just a slut 1847 01:17:32,144 --> 01:17:33,584 ♫ Find yourself another lass 1848 01:17:33,584 --> 01:17:35,104 ♫ A nicer piece of butt. 1849 01:17:35,104 --> 01:17:36,484 ♫ Oh packety wackety 1850 01:17:36,484 --> 01:17:37,544 ♫ Nickety nackety 1851 01:17:37,544 --> 01:17:39,704 ♫ Sings the lonely trout 1852 01:17:39,704 --> 01:17:41,264 ♫ Splickety wickety 1853 01:17:41,264 --> 01:17:42,304 ♫ Pickety nickety 1854 01:17:42,304 --> 01:17:44,064 ♫ What is life about? 1855 01:17:44,064 --> 01:17:45,224 ♫ Shackety mackety 1856 01:17:45,224 --> 01:17:46,464 ♫ Thwackety crackety 1857 01:17:46,464 --> 01:17:48,044 ♫ She was just a slut 1858 01:17:48,044 --> 01:17:49,644 ♫ Find yourself another lass 1859 01:17:49,644 --> 01:17:51,464 ♫ A nicer piece of butt ♫ 124867

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