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1
00:00:00,567 --> 00:00:02,902
Thank you.
2
00:00:03,003 --> 00:00:05,572
Eddie, we got these
gorgeous flowers.
3
00:00:05,672 --> 00:00:08,441
I have no idea
who they're from.
There's no card.
4
00:00:08,541 --> 00:00:10,677
Oh, actually
they're from me.
5
00:00:10,777 --> 00:00:12,145
(LAUGHING)
6
00:00:14,447 --> 00:00:16,516
No, seriously,
they're from me.
7
00:00:16,616 --> 00:00:18,451
Then why didn't
you send a card?
8
00:00:18,551 --> 00:00:23,456
Well, Inspector, because
I thought it would be more
mysterious to not send a card,
9
00:00:23,556 --> 00:00:28,061
and also I don't like
to dictate randy messages
to Irene at the flower shop.
10
00:00:30,530 --> 00:00:32,399
It doesn't make any sense.
It's not my birthday.
11
00:00:32,499 --> 00:00:37,470
It's not our anniversary.
You're way too lazy
to have an affair.
12
00:00:37,570 --> 00:00:41,341
Okay, look, I sent
you flowers, okay?
It's a good thing.
13
00:00:41,441 --> 00:00:45,945
I didn't take food
from a child.
I didn't punch a nun.
14
00:00:46,046 --> 00:00:49,115
I sent you flowers because
I think you're pretty great.
15
00:00:49,215 --> 00:00:53,053
All right? But you know what?
Maybe I should
just go to hell.
16
00:00:54,821 --> 00:00:57,624
You got me flowers
just because?
17
00:00:57,724 --> 00:00:59,826
Like, when people
are in love?
18
00:01:00,960 --> 00:01:02,862
Don't get carried away.
19
00:01:04,898 --> 00:01:06,466
Come here, you.
20
00:01:06,566 --> 00:01:08,268
{\an8}(LAUGHS)
They're beautiful.
21
00:01:08,368 --> 00:01:09,669
{\an5}Thank you. Let me put
them in some water.
You're welcome.
22
00:01:09,769 --> 00:01:11,104
All right.
23
00:01:12,739 --> 00:01:14,841
Oh, there is a card.
24
00:01:19,479 --> 00:01:21,514
"So sorry for your loss."
25
00:01:25,585 --> 00:01:27,253
What have I lost?
26
00:01:28,288 --> 00:01:30,523
Any desire to have
sex with me?
27
00:01:33,793 --> 00:01:35,328
(JINGLE PLAYING)
28
00:01:46,239 --> 00:01:49,876
JEFF: 'Til Death
is filmed in front of
a live studio audience.
29
00:01:49,976 --> 00:01:52,312
{\an8}Come on, the movie is
starting in 20 minutes.
30
00:01:52,412 --> 00:01:53,780
{\an8}Coming.
31
00:01:53,880 --> 00:01:55,148
{\an8}Oh, good Lord.
32
00:01:55,248 --> 00:01:59,185
{\an8}Okay, look. You
know the drill, okay?
33
00:01:59,285 --> 00:02:03,156
{\an8}We bought you
the movie coat specifically
to accommodate candy.
34
00:02:08,828 --> 00:02:13,633
{\an8}Why don't I just swallow
a balloon full of Skittles
and smuggle it in my stomach?
35
00:02:15,568 --> 00:02:22,142
{\an8}Don't tease me.
Okay, now, here. All right.
Keep that upright.
36
00:02:22,709 --> 00:02:24,144
{\an8}(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
37
00:02:24,244 --> 00:02:25,411
{\an8}Hey.
Hey.
38
00:02:25,512 --> 00:02:28,915
{\an8}We actually can't make it
to the movies tonight.
39
00:02:29,015 --> 00:02:30,884
{\an8}Mr. Bauer died.
40
00:02:33,820 --> 00:02:36,356
{\an8}Our neighbor from
across the street.
41
00:02:40,126 --> 00:02:42,195
{\an8}Directly across
the street.
42
00:02:44,631 --> 00:02:47,367
{\an8}Oh, is that
the suspenders-and-a-belt guy?
43
00:02:48,501 --> 00:02:50,069
{\an8}Yep. Yeah.
44
00:02:50,170 --> 00:02:51,638
{\an8}Oh.
That's terrible.
45
00:02:51,738 --> 00:02:53,039
{\an8}Very sad.
46
00:02:59,779 --> 00:03:03,283
{\an8}So, you can't go
to the movies because...
47
00:03:03,383 --> 00:03:06,486
{\an8}Our neighbor
died last night.
48
00:03:06,586 --> 00:03:10,190
{\an8}Well, what better time
to let Queen Latifah
make us laugh?
49
00:03:12,725 --> 00:03:16,229
{\an8}The funeral's Thursday.
We'd offer to take you,
but we got to be there early.
50
00:03:16,329 --> 00:03:18,965
{\an8}I'm making
some opening remarks
on behalf of the neighbors.
51
00:03:19,065 --> 00:03:20,133
{\an8}I'm a pallbearer.
52
00:03:20,233 --> 00:03:21,601
{\an8}Really?
53
00:03:21,701 --> 00:03:24,137
{\an8}Yeah. Everyone
in the neighborhood's
doing something.
54
00:03:24,237 --> 00:03:26,773
{\an8}Even that guy
who lives in his car.
55
00:03:27,907 --> 00:03:29,442
{\an8}He's an usher.
56
00:03:31,311 --> 00:03:33,112
{\an8}(SIGHS)
Well, we'd better go.
57
00:03:33,213 --> 00:03:34,881
{\an8}Mmm.
58
00:03:34,981 --> 00:03:37,183
{\an8}Oh, the tickets
were, like, $19.
59
00:03:48,795 --> 00:03:50,897
But that's
a whenever thing.
60
00:03:54,400 --> 00:03:59,038
Okay, well, let's get going.
That hoagie in your pants
ain't getting any younger.
61
00:04:01,341 --> 00:04:03,209
Should we feel bad
that everyone on the block
62
00:04:03,309 --> 00:04:05,778
is doing something
for this funeral,
and we're not?
63
00:04:05,878 --> 00:04:09,849
Joy, look, you should
feel relieved. We're not
neighborly types, okay?
64
00:04:09,949 --> 00:04:15,021
We're not sociable.
We don't wave at people
who are waving at us.
65
00:04:16,756 --> 00:04:19,559
I mean, on Halloween,
we turn off all the lights
66
00:04:19,659 --> 00:04:21,561
and we army-crawl
to the fridge,
67
00:04:21,661 --> 00:04:28,301
so the kids won't know
we're home,
and I love that about us.
68
00:04:28,401 --> 00:04:32,839
Now, come on, I bought
the tickets online. If anybody
asks, you're over 65.
69
00:04:36,509 --> 00:04:39,579
Hey, I'm done with my speech
for the funeral.
Can I read it to you?
70
00:04:39,679 --> 00:04:41,514
Yeah. Yeah,
of course.
71
00:04:43,182 --> 00:04:44,484
(SIGHING)
72
00:04:46,486 --> 00:04:49,122
What is a neighbor?
73
00:04:50,990 --> 00:04:54,827
Well, if the neighbor
is Charlie Bauer,
74
00:04:54,927 --> 00:04:58,364
then the "N" is for nice.
75
00:05:00,300 --> 00:05:03,469
"E" is for his electric mower.
76
00:05:05,672 --> 00:05:06,873
"I" is for the Igloo cooler.
77
00:05:06,973 --> 00:05:08,941
Okay, you might want
to skip down to "O" because,
78
00:05:09,042 --> 00:05:12,512
oh, my God,
you're going to eat it
if you read this thing.
79
00:05:12,612 --> 00:05:14,947
Are you seriously
dissing my eulogy?
80
00:05:15,048 --> 00:05:18,918
I'm sorry, it's just...
It's a little, um...
What's the word?
81
00:05:19,752 --> 00:05:22,121
Blows.
82
00:05:22,221 --> 00:05:26,059
Okay, well, how about
I make a different speech
about you? "F" is for go...
83
00:05:26,159 --> 00:05:29,429
Okay, I'm going
to stop you right now.
84
00:05:29,529 --> 00:05:32,565
You see, Steph, when you
took the Woodcock name...
85
00:05:32,665 --> 00:05:36,235
Which, by the way, was
a pretty big downgrade
from Taylor.
86
00:05:37,770 --> 00:05:41,140
I gave you the option
of hyphenating.
87
00:05:41,240 --> 00:05:47,213
Wait, look, my point is
what you do reflects on me,
and what I do reflects on you,
88
00:05:47,313 --> 00:05:50,316
and, frankly,
I think Mr. Bauer
deserves a little more than,
89
00:05:50,416 --> 00:05:54,153
"Today's funeral was brought
to you by the letter 'B.'"
90
00:05:54,253 --> 00:05:57,190
Baby, how about this?
How about I write
the speech, and you give it?
91
00:05:57,290 --> 00:05:58,358
I don't think so.
92
00:05:58,458 --> 00:06:00,026
Come on, you know
that I'm a great writer.
93
00:06:00,126 --> 00:06:02,195
Remember that one-act play
I wrote in college?
94
00:06:02,295 --> 00:06:08,134
Oh, right. About that
scientist who built
a robot who could cry.
95
00:06:08,234 --> 00:06:11,437
It was pretty
deep stuff.
96
00:06:11,537 --> 00:06:16,876
You do understand
that robots don't usually
feel emotion, right?
97
00:06:16,976 --> 00:06:19,812
(WHISPERS)
Yeah, I got that.
98
00:06:19,912 --> 00:06:22,115
So, what do you say?
Can I give it a shot?
99
00:06:23,583 --> 00:06:25,251
Fine, whatever.
Awesome.
100
00:06:25,351 --> 00:06:28,287
(EXCLAIMS) This speech
is going to kick ass!
101
00:06:30,390 --> 00:06:33,559
In a very somber
and reflective way.
102
00:06:40,166 --> 00:06:43,936
Mrs. Bauer, I'm Joy Stark
from across the street.
103
00:06:44,036 --> 00:06:46,038
Uh, I think these are yours.
Oh.
104
00:06:46,139 --> 00:06:47,540
I'm sorry about
the burned ones,
105
00:06:47,640 --> 00:06:50,743
but my husband had
a pretty big bacon fire
this morning.
106
00:06:50,843 --> 00:06:52,178
Oh, thank you.
107
00:06:52,278 --> 00:06:53,746
Okay.
Would...
108
00:06:53,846 --> 00:06:56,449
Would you like
to join me
for some tea?
109
00:06:57,483 --> 00:06:58,584
Uh...
110
00:07:00,319 --> 00:07:03,389
Yeah. I would love to.
111
00:07:03,923 --> 00:07:05,024
Okay.
112
00:07:06,959 --> 00:07:09,495
Hey, what you doing?
113
00:07:09,595 --> 00:07:12,799
Picking out a dress
for Mr. Bauer's funeral.
114
00:07:12,899 --> 00:07:14,467
You're actually going
to that thing?
115
00:07:14,567 --> 00:07:16,869
Yeah. I'm kind of
singing at it.
116
00:07:18,404 --> 00:07:20,173
Oh, boy, great.
Okay, here we go.
117
00:07:20,273 --> 00:07:21,808
Now you've opened
the floodgates.
118
00:07:21,908 --> 00:07:24,076
Now we're going to get invited
to things left and right.
119
00:07:24,177 --> 00:07:26,579
Weddings, uh, barbecues...
120
00:07:26,679 --> 00:07:28,614
You want to go to those
swinging key parties,
huh? Huh?
121
00:07:28,714 --> 00:07:30,416
Is that your game, lady?
122
00:07:30,516 --> 00:07:33,453
You want to get your
jollies with that gorgeous
orthodontist up the block
123
00:07:33,553 --> 00:07:37,457
with the gorgeous gutters
and his gorgeous
aluminum siding?
124
00:07:37,557 --> 00:07:40,693
Eddie, I went to
that woman's house today
and I learned things
125
00:07:40,793 --> 00:07:41,828
about her husband.
126
00:07:41,928 --> 00:07:43,963
Fascinating things.
127
00:07:44,063 --> 00:07:46,532
For instance,
I bet you didn't know that
his hobby was making quilts.
128
00:07:46,632 --> 00:07:49,535
No, I did not,
but I wish I had one
of those quilts right now
129
00:07:49,635 --> 00:07:53,940
because your little story
here is putting me to sleep.
130
00:07:54,040 --> 00:07:58,077
Something happened
to me today.
I connected with someone.
131
00:07:58,177 --> 00:07:59,612
I... I drank tea.
132
00:07:59,712 --> 00:08:00,680
You hate tea.
133
00:08:00,780 --> 00:08:02,014
I know!
134
00:08:02,114 --> 00:08:03,082
(OVEN DINGS)
135
00:08:03,182 --> 00:08:05,184
Oh, my pie
for the wake.
136
00:08:07,186 --> 00:08:09,589
Okay, somebody died
and you've been included,
137
00:08:09,689 --> 00:08:11,757
so now you're part
of the "in" crowd, but this...
138
00:08:11,858 --> 00:08:14,560
(STAMMERING)
All right, see, this is
not who we are.
139
00:08:14,660 --> 00:08:19,031
We are not
bring-people-pie people.
140
00:08:19,131 --> 00:08:21,267
No, you are not.
What does that mean?
141
00:08:21,367 --> 00:08:24,770
The other night,
you said that we don't
like to socialize
142
00:08:24,871 --> 00:08:27,039
and we don't like to be
around people,
143
00:08:27,139 --> 00:08:29,175
and I realized
that you're wrong.
144
00:08:29,275 --> 00:08:33,980
You don't like it. I do!
Or at least I did until
you brainwashed me.
145
00:08:34,080 --> 00:08:37,049
Oh, come on,
how did I brainwash you?
146
00:08:37,149 --> 00:08:41,654
You seduced me
with your siren song
of "Let's just stay home.
147
00:08:41,754 --> 00:08:43,022
"We could eat naked!"
148
00:08:44,790 --> 00:08:46,859
I don't want to eat naked.
149
00:08:46,959 --> 00:08:50,830
I want to go to funerals
and wear solemn yet sexy
dresses like this one.
150
00:08:53,132 --> 00:08:57,503
If you put a napkin
on your lap like I told you,
151
00:08:57,603 --> 00:09:00,673
eating naked is
both sanitary and fun.
152
00:09:04,777 --> 00:09:08,281
You know what
the bottom line is? I don't
have to be this way.
153
00:09:08,381 --> 00:09:11,083
I'm different from you.
I'm good with people.
154
00:09:11,183 --> 00:09:15,288
I'm good with people!
I could be very charming
if I want to be.
155
00:09:15,388 --> 00:09:17,657
Okay.
156
00:09:17,757 --> 00:09:22,528
This grumpy-guy thing,
it's a routine. I can turn
it on and off like a switch.
157
00:09:22,628 --> 00:09:23,863
Oh, there's a switch?
158
00:09:23,963 --> 00:09:26,065
Yes. Yes.
There's a switch.
159
00:09:26,165 --> 00:09:31,103
Oh, well, where would
this switch be located?
Is it in the basement?
160
00:09:31,203 --> 00:09:35,007
Is it the mystery switch
next to the garbage disposal?
161
00:09:35,942 --> 00:09:38,578
It is a metaphorical switch
162
00:09:40,112 --> 00:09:43,683
in my heart
that turns on the magic.
163
00:09:45,084 --> 00:09:47,687
All I know is I just met
this woman today
164
00:09:47,787 --> 00:09:50,590
and she has asked me
to sing at the funeral.
165
00:09:50,690 --> 00:09:52,725
And Jeff's a freakin'
pallbearer. What are you?
166
00:09:52,825 --> 00:09:54,894
Oh, you don't think
I could be a pallbearer
if I wanted to be?
167
00:09:54,994 --> 00:09:56,562
No, I don't.
168
00:09:56,662 --> 00:10:00,032
All I gotta do is bat
my little, cute,
puppy-dog eyes
169
00:10:00,132 --> 00:10:03,402
and I will be getting
pallbearer invitations
all the time.
170
00:10:03,502 --> 00:10:07,840
I will be carrying
caskets every weekend,
and I will be strong!
171
00:10:09,208 --> 00:10:10,776
(GASPS)
172
00:10:11,711 --> 00:10:12,912
Yeah, that'll happen.
173
00:10:13,012 --> 00:10:14,780
Oh, you know what?
It is gonna happen
174
00:10:14,880 --> 00:10:17,183
because I'm going to make
a little special visit
175
00:10:17,283 --> 00:10:20,586
to a certain widow
and it's gonna happen
right now.
176
00:10:25,324 --> 00:10:28,027
It's the green house
across the street.
177
00:10:32,865 --> 00:10:34,300
Helen Bauer.
178
00:10:38,237 --> 00:10:39,605
Blueberry.
179
00:10:42,174 --> 00:10:43,175
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
180
00:10:45,645 --> 00:10:49,882
Hello, Helen Bauer.
I'm Eddie Stark
from across the street.
181
00:10:49,982 --> 00:10:52,485
I believe my wife, Joy,
was here earlier today.
182
00:10:52,585 --> 00:10:55,054
Oh, yes, she's
a lovely girl.
183
00:10:55,154 --> 00:10:57,189
Well, it takes one
to know one.
184
00:10:57,289 --> 00:10:59,158
(CHUCKLES)
185
00:10:59,258 --> 00:11:02,595
Anyway, I baked you
a little something.
It's nothing much.
186
00:11:02,695 --> 00:11:08,034
I was just hoping
that these blueberries would
help chase your blues away.
187
00:11:08,134 --> 00:11:13,205
Oh, that's very kind of you.
Would you like to come in?
188
00:11:13,305 --> 00:11:16,208
Oh, I shouldn't.
Ah, what the hay.
189
00:11:17,977 --> 00:11:23,182
Oh, my. So, this is
where it all happens, huh?
190
00:11:25,618 --> 00:11:30,089
Wow. Looks like you
squeezed every inch out
of this mantel here, huh?
191
00:11:32,324 --> 00:11:34,894
Oh, you are stupid
with snow globes.
192
00:11:44,704 --> 00:11:47,139
So, funeral tomorrow.
193
00:11:47,239 --> 00:11:48,240
Yes.
194
00:11:48,340 --> 00:11:49,775
The big day!
195
00:11:50,810 --> 00:11:51,877
I suppose.
196
00:11:51,977 --> 00:11:55,081
It's hard to believe
he's gone, you know?
197
00:11:55,181 --> 00:11:59,185
All we have left are
his fabulous quilts.
198
00:11:59,285 --> 00:12:00,820
Did Charlie make
you a quilt?
199
00:12:00,920 --> 00:12:02,888
Uh, a small one.
Oh, I'd love to see it.
200
00:12:02,988 --> 00:12:04,623
Well, I gave it away.
Oh!
201
00:12:04,724 --> 00:12:11,063
Yeah, not by choice.
I was mugged
by a couple of punks
202
00:12:12,031 --> 00:12:14,066
who loved country crafts.
203
00:12:19,004 --> 00:12:22,074
Anyhoo, um...
204
00:12:22,174 --> 00:12:28,314
I was wondering if perhaps
there was a way I could help
out at the funeral tomorrow.
205
00:12:28,414 --> 00:12:32,752
You know,
some kind of, um,
final honor
206
00:12:32,852 --> 00:12:35,588
to maybe help
transport him.
207
00:12:38,424 --> 00:12:41,861
Perhaps with
five other men.
208
00:12:41,961 --> 00:12:43,362
Please don't
touch my stuff.
209
00:12:43,462 --> 00:12:46,465
Yeah, okay.
210
00:12:46,565 --> 00:12:51,137
What I'm trying to say,
Mrs. Bauer, is it would
be a great honor,
211
00:12:51,237 --> 00:12:56,475
nay, privilege, if I
could be a pallbearer
for Charlie tomorrow.
212
00:12:56,575 --> 00:12:57,576
I'm afraid not.
213
00:12:57,676 --> 00:12:58,878
Please?
No.
214
00:12:58,978 --> 00:13:00,913
Pretty please?
I'm sorry,
215
00:13:01,013 --> 00:13:03,716
but the men I chose
as pallbearers all
knew Charlie very well.
216
00:13:03,816 --> 00:13:07,019
Oh, really? Well, did any
of them offer you $100...
217
00:13:13,893 --> 00:13:14,860
How'd that go?
218
00:13:14,960 --> 00:13:18,497
Bam, I'm in!
I am on the box.
219
00:13:23,702 --> 00:13:30,576
"And thus, Charlie Bauer
lives on in our hearts,
220
00:13:30,676 --> 00:13:37,550
"in our souls
and in our neighborhood."
221
00:13:41,086 --> 00:13:42,087
Huh?
222
00:13:42,188 --> 00:13:43,989
Great eulogy, boss.
223
00:13:44,089 --> 00:13:47,293
(EXCLAIMING)
Thanks. It's better
than Steph's, right?
224
00:13:47,393 --> 00:13:49,361
Absolutely, boss.
225
00:13:49,461 --> 00:13:51,831
Hey, and thanks
for listening
to both of them.
226
00:13:51,931 --> 00:13:53,465
No, thank you.
227
00:13:56,001 --> 00:14:00,973
It's rare that you can just
wander into someone's office
and hear two long speeches
228
00:14:01,073 --> 00:14:05,211
about a guy you didn't know.
Especially when you're just
trying to borrow some tape.
229
00:14:06,078 --> 00:14:07,613
Oh!
230
00:14:07,713 --> 00:14:10,616
Hey, fellas. Listen, Jeffy,
I need you to step down
231
00:14:10,716 --> 00:14:12,885
and give me
your pallbearer spot
at the Bauer funeral
232
00:14:12,985 --> 00:14:13,986
tomorrow. Okay?
233
00:14:14,086 --> 00:14:15,354
Appreciate it.
Later, gators.
234
00:14:15,454 --> 00:14:18,457
Whoa. Wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait. Why?
235
00:14:18,557 --> 00:14:20,693
Well, I went over
to the widow's to get
one of the spots
236
00:14:20,793 --> 00:14:24,964
but, man, she is holding
on to 'em like chocolate bars
during wartime.
237
00:14:26,732 --> 00:14:29,802
Eddie, why do you want
to be a pallbearer so bad?
238
00:14:29,902 --> 00:14:33,005
Because I lied to Joy,
and I told her
that I was gonna be one,
239
00:14:33,105 --> 00:14:37,776
because, for some reason,
she thinks that I'm not
charming and I'm not sociable.
240
00:14:42,014 --> 00:14:44,483
Wait a minute. What was that?
What... What's happening?
241
00:14:44,583 --> 00:14:47,419
Nothing, nothing.
We were all just caught
in your charming
242
00:14:47,519 --> 00:14:49,021
and sociable spell.
243
00:14:50,589 --> 00:14:52,191
What the hell's
that supposed to mean?
244
00:14:52,291 --> 00:14:55,127
I think he was being,
as we like to say
in the French department,
245
00:14:55,227 --> 00:14:56,562
sarcastique.
246
00:14:59,031 --> 00:15:01,333
So, what are you saying,
that you agree with Joy?
247
00:15:01,433 --> 00:15:06,538
Well, Eddie, there are
certain things
about you that make people...
248
00:15:06,639 --> 00:15:07,873
Scared.
249
00:15:08,841 --> 00:15:09,942
How's that?
250
00:15:10,042 --> 00:15:13,412
Well, for starters,
you're a big 'un.
251
00:15:13,512 --> 00:15:17,583
Normal-sized folks see you
coming down the street,
and say, "Let's cross."
252
00:15:17,683 --> 00:15:22,121
And it's not just the height.
He always has this look
like he's, like, mad.
253
00:15:23,555 --> 00:15:26,425
Or...sad.
254
00:15:27,626 --> 00:15:29,328
That's another thing,
his voice.
255
00:15:29,428 --> 00:15:31,130
It's so low.
It's almost like a...
256
00:15:31,230 --> 00:15:34,266
Oh, yeah. It's like
the bad guy in the movies
who calls the babysitter.
257
00:15:34,366 --> 00:15:36,335
(CHUCKLES) Yeah!
Eddie, come on, say,
258
00:15:36,435 --> 00:15:37,870
"I'm calling
from inside the house."
259
00:15:37,970 --> 00:15:39,004
No, I don't want to.
260
00:15:39,104 --> 00:15:40,806
Just do it. It'll be cool.
Yeah.
261
00:15:42,975 --> 00:15:44,209
I'm calling
from inside the house.
262
00:15:44,310 --> 00:15:45,344
(LAUGHING)
263
00:15:45,444 --> 00:15:46,745
All right,
that's enough.
264
00:15:49,081 --> 00:15:50,916
All right, I finished
your speech.
265
00:15:51,016 --> 00:15:54,353
You're gonna be the talk
of the funeral.
Go on. Read it.
266
00:15:56,255 --> 00:15:57,790
"When my husband
Jeff and I..."
267
00:15:57,890 --> 00:16:03,796
Okay, let's, uh, swallow
that on up and, uh, stand up.
268
00:16:03,896 --> 00:16:05,798
Put some life into it.
269
00:16:10,336 --> 00:16:12,938
"When my husband
Jeff and I first moved
to the neighborhood..."
270
00:16:13,038 --> 00:16:15,107
Into the neighborhood.
What?
271
00:16:15,207 --> 00:16:18,978
You said, "To the
neighborhood." It should
be, "Into the neighborhood."
272
00:16:19,078 --> 00:16:21,580
Yeah. That'll
make a difference.
273
00:16:23,716 --> 00:16:25,617
It will make a difference.
It's a rhythm thing.
274
00:16:25,718 --> 00:16:27,786
What, crying-robot rhythm?
275
00:16:29,521 --> 00:16:33,292
All right, you get one more
about the play. One more.
276
00:16:33,392 --> 00:16:38,430
Okay. Just one question.
Was the robot crying because
he had to read your words?
277
00:16:46,138 --> 00:16:48,040
And that's it. Okay.
278
00:16:49,608 --> 00:16:50,609
Let us continue.
279
00:16:50,709 --> 00:16:52,378
Into the neighborhood...
280
00:16:52,478 --> 00:16:54,613
(SIGHS)
281
00:16:54,713 --> 00:16:59,251
"When my husband Jeff
and I first moved
into the neighborhood..."
282
00:16:59,351 --> 00:17:01,320
You know what?
You know what?
You are totally tanking.
283
00:17:01,420 --> 00:17:03,489
You're taking
a beautifully-crafted speech
284
00:17:03,589 --> 00:17:04,857
and you're making it sound
like crap.
285
00:17:04,957 --> 00:17:08,494
Look, dude, if it ain't
on the page,
it ain't on the stage.
286
00:17:08,594 --> 00:17:12,331
Okay. All right. Fine.
You just go ahead
and read yours. I can't wait.
287
00:17:12,431 --> 00:17:16,135
And actually, even if you
wanted mine right now,
I wouldn't let you have it.
288
00:17:16,235 --> 00:17:18,303
You know what?
289
00:17:18,404 --> 00:17:19,738
I'll read yours.
Really?
290
00:17:19,838 --> 00:17:20,873
No.
291
00:17:28,347 --> 00:17:32,785
Hi. I'm Stephanie
Taylor-Woodcock.
292
00:17:37,756 --> 00:17:39,291
I'm nervous
about my singing.
293
00:17:39,391 --> 00:17:40,526
Are you?
You want to go? Let's go.
294
00:17:40,626 --> 00:17:43,295
No, Eddie!
You're a pallbearer.
295
00:17:43,395 --> 00:17:46,698
Oh, he was tiny.
Five guys can handle it.
296
00:17:46,799 --> 00:17:49,835
What is a neighbor?
297
00:17:49,935 --> 00:17:53,972
Well, if the neighbor
is Charlie Bauer,
298
00:17:54,073 --> 00:17:56,475
then the "N" is for nice.
299
00:17:57,676 --> 00:18:00,479
"E" is for
his electric mower.
300
00:18:00,579 --> 00:18:01,547
"I" is for...
301
00:18:01,647 --> 00:18:03,949
Are you crying 'cause
of the speech?
302
00:18:04,049 --> 00:18:07,186
Tell me you're not crying
'cause of the speech, are you?
303
00:18:07,286 --> 00:18:10,322
"H" is for his fishing hat,
304
00:18:10,422 --> 00:18:13,559
even though he wasn't
quite the fisherman
he claimed to be.
305
00:18:13,659 --> 00:18:15,160
(ALL LAUGHING)
306
00:18:18,931 --> 00:18:19,898
"B" is for...
307
00:18:19,998 --> 00:18:21,700
How is that funny?
308
00:18:23,368 --> 00:18:26,271
Okay, someone explain to me
how that's funny, please.
309
00:18:26,371 --> 00:18:27,439
Shh!
310
00:18:30,709 --> 00:18:35,547
Now, we would like to welcome
neighbor Joy Stark to sing.
311
00:18:35,647 --> 00:18:38,484
Would the pallbearers
please come forward.
312
00:18:40,552 --> 00:18:47,526
(SINGING AVE MARIA)
313
00:18:50,662 --> 00:18:53,899
Hey, what are
you doing?
314
00:18:53,999 --> 00:18:58,337
Keep it quiet, eyes forward,
lift on my count. One...
315
00:18:58,437 --> 00:19:01,240
Uh, I'm supposed
to be a pallbearer.
316
00:19:03,475 --> 00:19:06,845
I think you're
on my handle.
317
00:19:06,945 --> 00:19:09,181
What about you?
Why don't you give
up your handle?
318
00:19:09,281 --> 00:19:10,682
I'm his son.
319
00:19:12,317 --> 00:19:13,519
MRS. BAUER: Excuse me.
320
00:19:13,619 --> 00:19:16,355
Hey, hey, there she is.
Wow, do you clean up nice.
321
00:19:16,455 --> 00:19:19,124
(SIGHS) I told you
there were no more spots.
322
00:19:19,224 --> 00:19:20,659
Oh, oh, was that a hard no?
323
00:19:20,759 --> 00:19:23,595
'Cause I thought there'd
maybe be a little wiggle room.
324
00:19:23,695 --> 00:19:26,598
Father, have
him removed.
325
00:19:26,698 --> 00:19:27,900
You know what?
That's unnecessary.
326
00:19:28,000 --> 00:19:30,369
I'm going to bow out
gracefully, okay?
327
00:19:30,469 --> 00:19:32,371
Sorry. All right,
I'm done.
328
00:19:37,976 --> 00:19:39,211
I know.
329
00:19:49,154 --> 00:19:50,122
Excuse me.
330
00:19:50,222 --> 00:19:51,456
Yeah?
331
00:19:51,557 --> 00:19:54,293
I'm Richard Bauer,
Charlie's grandson.
332
00:19:54,393 --> 00:19:55,561
You probably don't
recognize me.
333
00:19:55,661 --> 00:19:58,230
I used to visit
my grandparents
when I was a kid.
334
00:19:58,330 --> 00:20:01,099
Anyway, you were
really nice to me.
335
00:20:01,200 --> 00:20:04,937
You used to let me
hang out in your garage
and help work on your car.
336
00:20:06,104 --> 00:20:08,540
You even took me out
for ice cream.
337
00:20:09,308 --> 00:20:10,509
I did?
338
00:20:10,609 --> 00:20:13,712
Yeah. I just wanted
to say thanks.
339
00:20:13,812 --> 00:20:16,815
Wow. I do have
a switch in my heart.
340
00:20:19,418 --> 00:20:21,820
(LAUGHING)
341
00:20:21,920 --> 00:20:23,555
Hey, hey, do me a favor.
342
00:20:23,655 --> 00:20:25,090
See that lady
in the black dress
over there?
343
00:20:25,190 --> 00:20:26,825
Tell her exactly
what you just told me.
344
00:20:26,925 --> 00:20:28,560
(CHUCKLES) I'd be happy to.
345
00:20:28,660 --> 00:20:31,530
So, do you still have
that red convertible?
346
00:20:33,131 --> 00:20:35,133
I never had
a convertible.
347
00:20:37,002 --> 00:20:39,071
Oh. You know what?
348
00:20:40,205 --> 00:20:41,607
Wasn't you.
349
00:20:48,313 --> 00:20:51,817
"And then the robot said,
350
00:20:51,917 --> 00:20:55,454
(IN A SAD ROBOT VOICE)
"'I can feel.'
351
00:20:55,554 --> 00:21:02,227
{\an8}"As a single tear streams down
his cold metal face
352
00:21:02,327 --> 00:21:06,632
{\an8}"and Samantha looks on,
quivering in the night."
353
00:21:09,468 --> 00:21:10,769
{\an8}Blackout.
354
00:21:12,104 --> 00:21:13,238
{\an8}(SIGHS)
355
00:21:13,338 --> 00:21:15,274
{\an8}Huh?
Great play, boss.
356
00:21:15,374 --> 00:21:16,475
{\an8}(EXCLAIMING)
357
00:21:17,743 --> 00:21:21,346
{\an8}Yeah, just a wild guess.
358
00:21:21,446 --> 00:21:24,616
{\an8}You were a virgin
all the way through college.
30129
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