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{\an8}A
2
00:00:00,300 --> 00:00:00,333
{\an8}A 9-
3
00:00:00,333 --> 00:00:00,367
{\an8}A 9-ye
4
00:00:00,367 --> 00:00:00,667
{\an8}A 9-year
5
00:00:00,700 --> 00:00:02,569
{\an8}ld metro girl
6
00:00:02,669 --> 00:00:05,805
thanks to surgery at the
Hospital for Sick Children...
7
00:00:05,905 --> 00:00:07,907
Ow! What are you doing?
8
00:00:08,008 --> 00:00:10,243
What do you mean,
what am I doing?
I'm playing footsie.
9
00:00:12,245 --> 00:00:16,182
Okay, footsie would imply
something cute and playful.
10
00:00:16,282 --> 00:00:20,153
You're sawing through
my Achilles tendon
with your big toenail.
11
00:00:21,421 --> 00:00:24,891
Well, it's fun.
It's frisky and...
12
00:00:24,991 --> 00:00:27,260
Might I even say,
a little naughty.
13
00:00:32,232 --> 00:00:36,669
Okay. No offense,
but if you're trying to
get things started here,
14
00:00:36,770 --> 00:00:40,840
your feet probably
shouldn't be playing
a role.
15
00:00:40,940 --> 00:00:43,176
I mean, you want me
thinking about sex,
right?
16
00:00:43,276 --> 00:00:47,113
Not, "How do I escape
this razor-clawed creature
from the forest?"
17
00:00:49,449 --> 00:00:51,284
All right.
It's just that,
you know...
18
00:00:51,384 --> 00:00:52,986
It's been
a few weeks, and...
19
00:00:53,086 --> 00:00:55,121
What? No. No.
20
00:00:55,221 --> 00:00:58,258
What about the day
that I came home
from the market
21
00:00:58,358 --> 00:01:02,462
after discovering that
they now make sloppy joes
in a squirt bottle?
22
00:01:02,562 --> 00:01:05,865
That led to some
pretty hot action.
23
00:01:05,965 --> 00:01:08,568
Yeah, but that was...
That was like a month ago.
24
00:01:08,668 --> 00:01:10,170
It was?
Yeah.
25
00:01:10,270 --> 00:01:11,504
Listen, trust me,
I don't quickly
forget the day
26
00:01:11,604 --> 00:01:14,641
where I have sex with you,
plus squeezable meat.
27
00:01:17,143 --> 00:01:20,480
I'm going to say thank you,
although I'm not sure why.
28
00:01:23,216 --> 00:01:25,085
All right, let's do this.
29
00:01:26,619 --> 00:01:28,054
(SNEEZES)
30
00:01:28,755 --> 00:01:30,323
Excuse me.
31
00:01:30,423 --> 00:01:32,225
What was that?
32
00:01:32,325 --> 00:01:34,928
What? It's nothing.
I'm just working on
a little cold, that's all.
33
00:01:35,028 --> 00:01:36,863
Yeah. Okay.
Look...
34
00:01:44,003 --> 00:01:46,673
See... Here's the thing.
35
00:01:46,773 --> 00:01:50,343
I'm doing this
risk-reward analysis
in my head,
36
00:01:50,443 --> 00:01:51,911
and I don't know.
37
00:01:52,011 --> 00:01:56,249
I mean, already
I'm picturing it's me
having sex with, like,
38
00:01:56,349 --> 00:02:00,086
1,000 of those tiny
animated germ guys
from the commercials,
39
00:02:00,186 --> 00:02:01,921
you know,
with the helmets
and the pickaxes,
40
00:02:02,021 --> 00:02:04,157
and I...
I just...
41
00:02:04,257 --> 00:02:06,960
I think those guys
are for foot fungus.
42
00:02:07,060 --> 00:02:09,696
Yeah. Well,
either way, I'm out.
43
00:02:12,665 --> 00:02:14,467
♪ All right!
44
00:02:14,567 --> 00:02:15,502
♪ Hey!
45
00:02:15,602 --> 00:02:18,104
♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! ♪
46
00:02:19,372 --> 00:02:19,405
{\an8}WD
47
00:02:19,405 --> 00:02:19,439
{\an8}WD C
48
00:02:19,439 --> 00:02:19,472
{\an8}WD CHE
49
00:02:19,472 --> 00:02:19,506
{\an8}WD CHEER
50
00:02:19,506 --> 00:02:19,539
{\an8}WD CHEERIN
51
00:02:19,539 --> 00:02:19,572
{\an8}WD CHEERING
52
00:02:19,572 --> 00:02:19,606
{\an8}WD CHEERING ON
53
00:02:19,606 --> 00:02:19,639
{\an8}WD CHEERING ON T
54
00:02:19,639 --> 00:02:19,672
{\an8}WD CHEERING ON TV)
55
00:02:20,740 --> 00:02:23,343
EDDIE: Okay, from downtown
for the win!
56
00:02:24,811 --> 00:02:27,013
{\an8}Oh! Yes! Yes! Yes!
57
00:02:27,113 --> 00:02:28,281
{\an8}(WHOOPS)
58
00:02:28,381 --> 00:02:29,782
Man, there is nothing
more electric
59
00:02:29,883 --> 00:02:32,719
than high school
girls' basketball.
60
00:02:32,819 --> 00:02:34,053
{\an8}We should probably
keep it down.
61
00:02:34,154 --> 00:02:35,722
{\an8}I don't want Cofeld's wife
coming down here
62
00:02:35,822 --> 00:02:37,323
{\an8}and yelling at us
like last time.
63
00:02:37,423 --> 00:02:38,958
{\an8}Oh, no worries.
She's not even here.
64
00:02:39,058 --> 00:02:41,494
{\an8}She's at a bridal shower
for her sister's wedding.
65
00:02:41,594 --> 00:02:43,663
Or, should I say,
"civil union."
66
00:02:43,763 --> 00:02:44,964
What does that mean?
67
00:02:45,064 --> 00:02:47,100
{\an8}It means Denise is
marrying Janet.
68
00:02:47,200 --> 00:02:49,435
{\an8}Thanksgiving is about to get
a whole lot easier
69
00:02:49,536 --> 00:02:52,505
{\an8}for the only black guy
in the family.
70
00:02:52,605 --> 00:02:55,575
{\an8}So, how does that work?
Like, one of them has
a bridal shower,
71
00:02:55,675 --> 00:02:58,678
and then the other one has,
like, a bachelor party?
72
00:02:58,778 --> 00:03:00,580
Do gay people even have
bachelor parties?
73
00:03:00,680 --> 00:03:02,415
I didn't have
a bachelor party.
74
00:03:04,384 --> 00:03:06,853
Question asked,
question answered.
75
00:03:08,621 --> 00:03:10,723
You didn't have
a bachelor party?
What happened?
76
00:03:10,823 --> 00:03:13,626
{\an8}Nothing. Just discussed it
with Steph,
77
00:03:13,726 --> 00:03:15,795
{\an8}and we decided I'm not
really a bachelor-party
kind of guy.
78
00:03:15,895 --> 00:03:17,730
{\an8}Hold on. You mean,
Steph told you
79
00:03:17,830 --> 00:03:19,432
{\an8}you're not
a bachelor-party
kind of guy.
80
00:03:19,532 --> 00:03:22,602
{\an8}Every guy is
a bachelor-party
kind of guy.
81
00:03:22,702 --> 00:03:24,237
It's a last taste
of freedom before
82
00:03:24,337 --> 00:03:27,373
they cut off our cranberries
and put them in a jar.
83
00:03:28,241 --> 00:03:30,777
{\an8}Yeah. Mine was crazy.
84
00:03:30,877 --> 00:03:33,680
{\an8}We rented an RV.
And my brother got girls
85
00:03:33,780 --> 00:03:35,682
{\an8}who knew gymnastics
and stuff.
86
00:03:35,782 --> 00:03:36,883
Mmm!
87
00:03:40,954 --> 00:03:41,921
{\an8}(SCOFFS)
88
00:03:42,021 --> 00:03:43,523
{\an8}You think that was crazy?
89
00:03:43,623 --> 00:03:45,525
{\an8}I'm still wanted
in the state of Delaware.
90
00:03:45,625 --> 00:03:47,260
(ALL LAUGH)
91
00:03:48,995 --> 00:03:50,964
I made out with a dude.
92
00:03:59,172 --> 00:04:01,407
Too bad
those days are over.
93
00:04:06,879 --> 00:04:09,148
{\an8}I don't know.
94
00:04:09,249 --> 00:04:10,717
{\an8}We have someone here
in our midst
95
00:04:10,817 --> 00:04:13,720
{\an8}who never had a shot
at a bachelor party.
96
00:04:13,820 --> 00:04:15,888
{\an8}What do you say
we right some wrongs?
97
00:04:15,989 --> 00:04:18,524
{\an8}Yeah, yeah.
I like what I'm hearing.
98
00:04:18,625 --> 00:04:22,295
{\an8}And I vote for an activity
that includes naked girls.
99
00:04:22,395 --> 00:04:24,163
Or Sea World.
100
00:04:27,867 --> 00:04:28,835
I like my idea.
101
00:04:28,935 --> 00:04:31,070
All right.
This is what we'll do.
102
00:04:31,170 --> 00:04:33,239
{\an8}We'll get a little dressed-up,
we'll grab a few drinks,
103
00:04:33,339 --> 00:04:34,707
{\an8}and there's three
of us here,
104
00:04:34,807 --> 00:04:36,075
{\an8}so we could
split the limo.
105
00:04:36,175 --> 00:04:37,377
{\an8}There's four of us.
106
00:04:37,477 --> 00:04:38,711
{\an8}What?
107
00:04:38,811 --> 00:04:41,848
Oh! Right, yeah.
There's...
108
00:04:41,948 --> 00:04:45,652
There's four of us.
I wasn't counting myself.
109
00:04:45,752 --> 00:04:49,422
So, what do you say?
Saturday night we'll do
Jeff's bachelor party.
110
00:04:49,522 --> 00:04:52,091
Guys, can I point out
one little flaw here?
111
00:04:52,191 --> 00:04:54,127
I'm not a bachelor.
I'm already married.
112
00:04:54,227 --> 00:04:56,029
There's no way Steph
would allow me to do this.
113
00:04:56,129 --> 00:04:57,597
And that's exactly
why you do it.
114
00:04:57,697 --> 00:04:59,332
You have to stand up
for yourself.
115
00:04:59,432 --> 00:05:02,468
Your wife doesn't decide
whether you're allowed to
see other naked women.
116
00:05:04,370 --> 00:05:07,340
Actually, I think she does.
117
00:05:07,440 --> 00:05:12,078
If it's not in our vows,
I'm pretty sure it was
implied.
118
00:05:12,178 --> 00:05:14,480
You know what? I give up.
Okay? Just forget it.
119
00:05:14,580 --> 00:05:17,984
Forgot that I was talking
to Mr. "I respect and love
my wife" here.
120
00:05:19,452 --> 00:05:20,987
It's really sad.
121
00:05:21,087 --> 00:05:22,221
So sad.
122
00:05:22,322 --> 00:05:24,657
Sad, sad, sad.
123
00:05:24,757 --> 00:05:26,192
Oh, wait, wait, wait.
Okay, all right.
124
00:05:26,292 --> 00:05:27,794
You guys want to throw me
a bachelor party?
125
00:05:27,894 --> 00:05:29,662
Let's have a bachelor party.
126
00:05:29,762 --> 00:05:33,132
All right. I'm not gonna
let my wife tell me what
I can and can't do.
127
00:05:33,232 --> 00:05:35,435
You know what? No.
You're not doing this.
128
00:05:35,535 --> 00:05:37,904
Oh, you can't just
say no!
129
00:05:38,004 --> 00:05:40,640
But we've discussed this.
You're not a bachelor-party
guy.
130
00:05:40,740 --> 00:05:44,177
No. No, no, no. You said
I'm not a bachelor-party
kind of guy.
131
00:05:44,277 --> 00:05:46,045
And guess what?
You don't get to decide
132
00:05:46,145 --> 00:05:48,147
whether or not
I'm allowed to see
other naked women.
133
00:05:48,247 --> 00:05:50,149
Uh, I sure as hell do.
134
00:05:52,085 --> 00:05:54,153
Yeah, I thought
that sounded wrong.
135
00:05:55,254 --> 00:05:58,157
Come on! Let me have
a bachelor party. Please?
136
00:06:00,093 --> 00:06:01,661
Okay, fine.
137
00:06:01,761 --> 00:06:04,564
Have your post-wedding
bachelor party.
138
00:06:04,664 --> 00:06:05,665
Have a great time.
139
00:06:06,265 --> 00:06:07,367
I will.
140
00:06:08,835 --> 00:06:11,003
So, you're okay with it.
141
00:06:13,840 --> 00:06:15,174
Hey, can I get you a snack?
142
00:06:18,044 --> 00:06:20,113
(COOING)
I love you.
143
00:06:24,851 --> 00:06:27,086
Okay, I'm heading out.
144
00:06:27,186 --> 00:06:28,321
How's the cold?
145
00:06:28,421 --> 00:06:30,590
How's my little
trooper doing?
146
00:06:30,690 --> 00:06:31,858
I think I'm dying.
147
00:06:31,958 --> 00:06:34,527
Oh, this one
with the humor!
148
00:06:36,462 --> 00:06:38,798
Fantastic. Okay, look,
149
00:06:38,898 --> 00:06:40,900
I got you a little
pick-me-up.
150
00:06:41,000 --> 00:06:44,704
And it's with aloe,
so your face won't
bleed anymore, okay?
151
00:06:44,804 --> 00:06:48,074
All right.
I gotta get going,
get this thing over with.
152
00:06:48,174 --> 00:06:49,709
Yeah, I'm sure
you're dreading going out
153
00:06:49,809 --> 00:06:52,111
and meeting
eight different women
named Cinnamon.
154
00:06:55,047 --> 00:06:56,949
Well, listen,
tonight is for Jeff.
155
00:06:57,049 --> 00:06:59,585
And I just don't want to
disappoint the youngster.
156
00:06:59,685 --> 00:07:03,489
Oh, please. I heard you
in the shower singing,
Whoomp! There It Is.
157
00:07:06,058 --> 00:07:08,094
All right, listen.
I know on the outside
158
00:07:08,194 --> 00:07:11,497
it probably looks like
this is the most excited
I've been in three years.
159
00:07:11,597 --> 00:07:13,332
But
160
00:07:13,433 --> 00:07:16,369
on the inside,
there is no place
I would rather be
161
00:07:16,469 --> 00:07:18,404
than right next to you.
162
00:07:18,504 --> 00:07:21,507
So, just say the word,
and I won't go.
163
00:07:21,607 --> 00:07:22,775
Don't go.
164
00:07:24,744 --> 00:07:26,446
You're serious?
165
00:07:27,914 --> 00:07:29,515
No. Go!
Okey-dokey.
166
00:07:29,615 --> 00:07:31,250
That's my gal!
167
00:07:36,022 --> 00:07:39,091
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
168
00:07:39,192 --> 00:07:42,762
Gentlemen, here we are.
Flesh Gardens.
169
00:07:42,862 --> 00:07:44,430
Breathe it in, boys.
170
00:07:44,530 --> 00:07:47,333
That's the sweet smell
of baby powder,
chicken wings,
171
00:07:47,433 --> 00:07:51,404
and the exhaust of
a 737 that just landed
across the street.
172
00:07:51,504 --> 00:07:53,139
This is great.
173
00:07:53,239 --> 00:07:56,342
This is totally worth the
constant, echoey silence
that is now my marriage.
174
00:07:56,442 --> 00:07:58,611
Okay.
You know what?
175
00:07:58,711 --> 00:08:01,347
Time to check the wife talk
in the lobby, okay?
176
00:08:01,447 --> 00:08:04,083
And what do you say we lose
the Indiana Jones hat?
177
00:08:04,183 --> 00:08:06,752
No, Eddie. Eddie. This?
This is my party hat.
178
00:08:06,853 --> 00:08:09,522
You would not believe
the kind of action
I've seen in this hat.
179
00:08:09,622 --> 00:08:13,326
Uh-huh. Did any of it
involve running from
a giant boulder?
180
00:08:13,426 --> 00:08:16,462
No! If you must know,
I wore this hat...
181
00:08:16,562 --> 00:08:20,500
At the end of Casablanca
when you had to get
on that plane?
182
00:08:20,600 --> 00:08:21,868
Just forget it, okay?
183
00:08:21,968 --> 00:08:24,570
And don't mess
with my party hat.
184
00:08:24,670 --> 00:08:27,740
I haven't seen a naked lady
besides my wife in 20 years.
185
00:08:27,840 --> 00:08:29,041
Except on that dirty
deck of cards
186
00:08:29,141 --> 00:08:31,244
I managed to save
from childhood.
187
00:08:31,344 --> 00:08:33,679
I'm extremely terrified
right now.
188
00:08:33,779 --> 00:08:35,748
10 bucks.
189
00:08:35,848 --> 00:08:38,518
Okay, gentlemen.
No touching, groping,
fondling of the dancers.
190
00:08:38,618 --> 00:08:42,388
If you disrespect the ladies,
you will be removed by me.
191
00:08:42,488 --> 00:08:43,623
I believe that,
my brother.
192
00:08:43,723 --> 00:08:45,658
Come on.
Give me a little.
193
00:08:47,560 --> 00:08:50,096
Come on.
194
00:08:50,196 --> 00:08:51,764
All right. I guess
this isn't gonna happen.
195
00:08:51,864 --> 00:08:53,499
Okay, let's...
196
00:08:53,599 --> 00:08:55,668
Let's go.
197
00:08:55,768 --> 00:08:58,204
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
198
00:08:58,304 --> 00:09:01,340
Gentlemen,
wedding rings off.
199
00:09:03,643 --> 00:09:05,111
(GRUNTS)
200
00:09:06,379 --> 00:09:08,848
All right. You know what?
Let's go sit down.
201
00:09:09,982 --> 00:09:11,584
Anybody bring
any singles?
202
00:09:11,684 --> 00:09:13,653
I didn't know
what these gals
expect in tips,
203
00:09:13,753 --> 00:09:16,789
so, I went to the bank
and took out $700 in ones.
204
00:09:16,889 --> 00:09:20,159
Yeah, I think you're good.
Okay, sit down.
205
00:09:20,259 --> 00:09:21,827
Oh, hey!
What's up, fellas?
206
00:09:21,928 --> 00:09:22,962
Hey, there he is!
207
00:09:23,062 --> 00:09:23,996
Hey!
Hey, Cofeld.
208
00:09:24,096 --> 00:09:26,632
Ooh! Let's get
the party started!
209
00:09:26,732 --> 00:09:27,800
Mmm!
210
00:09:27,900 --> 00:09:29,302
Hey, guys!
211
00:09:31,103 --> 00:09:32,271
You brought
your wife?
212
00:09:32,371 --> 00:09:33,439
(WHISPERS)
Oh, yeah, man.
213
00:09:33,539 --> 00:09:35,508
It turns out she's into
this kind of stuff.
214
00:09:35,608 --> 00:09:37,810
She's cool, man!
She's cool!
215
00:09:37,910 --> 00:09:40,413
Oh, my God, Eddie.
That one looks just
like your daughter.
216
00:09:54,360 --> 00:09:55,962
(KNOCKING AT DOOR)
217
00:09:56,062 --> 00:09:57,163
(SIGHS)
218
00:10:00,032 --> 00:10:01,867
Oh, please, God, no.
219
00:10:03,502 --> 00:10:04,870
(MOCK-CHEERFULLY)
Come in!
220
00:10:07,073 --> 00:10:09,108
Hi, Joy.
221
00:10:09,208 --> 00:10:10,776
Hey.
222
00:10:11,877 --> 00:10:13,279
Jeff said you weren't
feeling well,
223
00:10:13,379 --> 00:10:16,315
so I thought I'd pop over
and see how you're doing.
224
00:10:16,415 --> 00:10:18,851
Oh, that's nice.
225
00:10:18,951 --> 00:10:20,853
Pretty bad, yeah.
Pretty contagious.
226
00:10:20,953 --> 00:10:22,855
Doctor said
a thing like this
227
00:10:22,955 --> 00:10:24,657
could just, you know,
leap off of me and...
228
00:10:24,757 --> 00:10:25,958
(GROWLS)
229
00:10:26,058 --> 00:10:28,461
Attack anybody
who's around me. So...
230
00:10:28,561 --> 00:10:31,297
Oh! I'm not
worried about me.
231
00:10:31,397 --> 00:10:33,366
The most important thing
is we get you healthy.
232
00:10:33,466 --> 00:10:35,267
I have some great
homeopathic remedies here.
233
00:10:35,368 --> 00:10:36,669
Oh, no, no. I'm good.
234
00:10:36,769 --> 00:10:38,804
I was just about to take
enough cold medicine
235
00:10:38,904 --> 00:10:41,307
to start a meth lab
in my belly.
236
00:10:42,041 --> 00:10:44,143
Yeah.
237
00:10:44,243 --> 00:10:46,946
You could take what all
the big pharmaceutical
companies
238
00:10:47,046 --> 00:10:48,347
have trained you to take,
239
00:10:48,447 --> 00:10:50,650
or you could let
nature heal you
240
00:10:50,750 --> 00:10:52,885
and put this stick
up your nose.
241
00:11:01,827 --> 00:11:04,964
As soothing as that sounds,
242
00:11:05,064 --> 00:11:08,000
I'm not really
the greatest sick person.
243
00:11:08,100 --> 00:11:10,536
So, I hope that
you'll forgive me
244
00:11:10,636 --> 00:11:12,738
for what I'm about to say.
245
00:11:12,838 --> 00:11:13,973
Get out.
246
00:11:15,207 --> 00:11:17,209
Okay.
247
00:11:17,309 --> 00:11:21,147
I was just feeling
a little bummed about
Jeff's skeevy bachelor party
248
00:11:21,247 --> 00:11:25,685
and I thought I could
come over here and take
care of you. But...
249
00:11:25,785 --> 00:11:27,119
{\an8}(DOOR OPENS)
Feel better.
250
00:11:27,219 --> 00:11:28,154
Wait.
251
00:11:28,888 --> 00:11:30,790
Come back.
252
00:11:30,890 --> 00:11:33,426
You can't let this thing
with Jeff bother you.
253
00:11:33,526 --> 00:11:36,529
Why does he have to go
to a strip club?
254
00:11:36,629 --> 00:11:39,965
We have a great sex life.
I'll do anything.
255
00:11:41,834 --> 00:11:43,602
I mean, anything.
256
00:11:46,972 --> 00:11:48,974
That's nice, honey.
257
00:11:49,942 --> 00:11:52,244
But Jeff is just like Eddie.
258
00:11:52,344 --> 00:11:54,447
He's a good guy.
259
00:11:54,547 --> 00:11:56,816
But even good guys
occasionally feel the need
260
00:11:56,916 --> 00:12:01,120
to go out and act like
complete dumbasses.
261
00:12:01,220 --> 00:12:02,555
Come on. You've known
Jeff a long time.
262
00:12:02,655 --> 00:12:05,091
He must have done something
like this before.
263
00:12:05,191 --> 00:12:06,859
Well, one time he
had too much sugar
264
00:12:06,959 --> 00:12:08,928
and said some
pretty nasty things
about Ronald Reagan
265
00:12:09,028 --> 00:12:10,996
in front of my grandpa.
266
00:12:13,365 --> 00:12:14,700
The point is
267
00:12:14,800 --> 00:12:16,469
that at the end of the day,
268
00:12:16,569 --> 00:12:18,003
the worst thing
that could happen
269
00:12:18,104 --> 00:12:20,639
is that Jeff gets
called up on stage,
270
00:12:20,740 --> 00:12:21,907
a naked girl rides him
like a horse,
271
00:12:22,007 --> 00:12:24,977
and they run off and start
a new life together.
272
00:12:25,978 --> 00:12:27,546
Kidding!
273
00:12:27,646 --> 00:12:29,415
I'm kidding.
274
00:12:35,354 --> 00:12:37,656
Yeah, I guess you're right.
275
00:12:37,757 --> 00:12:38,991
(SNEEZES)
276
00:12:39,091 --> 00:12:40,526
Bless you.
Thank you.
277
00:12:40,626 --> 00:12:43,229
You know,
I really wish you'd
try some of this stuff.
278
00:12:43,329 --> 00:12:46,699
I got this special tea from
a Lakota Indian shaman.
279
00:12:48,534 --> 00:12:50,870
It's good stuff.
280
00:12:50,970 --> 00:12:54,106
Like, "not legal outside
the Sioux nation" good.
281
00:12:59,311 --> 00:13:01,113
It'll bend your head, man.
282
00:13:07,453 --> 00:13:08,354
You get the tea going.
283
00:13:08,454 --> 00:13:10,956
I'll put on
Dark Side of the Moon.
284
00:13:13,526 --> 00:13:16,262
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
285
00:13:16,362 --> 00:13:18,864
♪ She's my cherry pie
286
00:13:18,964 --> 00:13:20,099
♪ Cool drink of water... ♪
287
00:13:20,199 --> 00:13:21,967
I just don't understand
why anybody likes this.
288
00:13:22,067 --> 00:13:24,003
I mean, this is not erotic.
289
00:13:24,103 --> 00:13:25,671
It's a billion-dollar
industry.
290
00:13:25,771 --> 00:13:28,374
Somebody likes
something.
291
00:13:28,474 --> 00:13:30,176
This is my bachelor
party, people.
292
00:13:30,276 --> 00:13:31,977
Can we focus
on the ladies?
293
00:13:34,513 --> 00:13:36,348
All right, thank you.
That was pleasant.
294
00:13:36,448 --> 00:13:38,217
Now my hair's wet.
295
00:13:38,317 --> 00:13:39,652
Eddie, it's just water.
296
00:13:39,752 --> 00:13:41,053
What do you mean,
it's just...
297
00:13:41,153 --> 00:13:43,556
My whole head is wet
and I'm sitting under
a vent.
298
00:13:43,656 --> 00:13:44,657
"Knock, knock. Who's there?"
299
00:13:44,757 --> 00:13:46,759
"Pneumonia!"
"Come on in!"
300
00:13:48,127 --> 00:13:49,929
Here you go.
301
00:13:50,029 --> 00:13:53,065
Get yourself some
more comfortable shoes.
302
00:13:53,165 --> 00:13:55,334
Excuse me, but I think
there should be a posting
303
00:13:55,434 --> 00:13:56,402
or some kind of warning
304
00:13:56,502 --> 00:13:58,537
if there's gonna be
water in your act.
305
00:13:58,637 --> 00:14:01,440
{\an5}So, it's your
bachelor party.
Uh-huh.
306
00:14:01,540 --> 00:14:02,942
When are you
getting married?
307
00:14:03,042 --> 00:14:05,477
Oh, I actually got married
six months ago.
308
00:14:05,578 --> 00:14:07,746
This is like
a do-over.
309
00:14:07,847 --> 00:14:12,451
Isn't the whole point
of a bachelor party
to still be a bachelor?
310
00:14:12,551 --> 00:14:14,753
Could you switch places
with the Little Bo Peep?
311
00:14:14,854 --> 00:14:17,022
She strikes me
as less judgmental.
312
00:14:17,890 --> 00:14:19,425
Hey there, handsome.
313
00:14:19,525 --> 00:14:21,427
I'm not
comfortable here.
314
00:14:21,527 --> 00:14:22,528
I can tell.
315
00:14:22,628 --> 00:14:23,996
Maybe you should
take a little break
316
00:14:24,096 --> 00:14:25,764
and come with me to
the Champagne Room.
317
00:14:25,865 --> 00:14:26,832
Is there champagne
there?
318
00:14:26,932 --> 00:14:29,435
There's anything
you want there.
319
00:14:29,535 --> 00:14:31,036
That sounds classy.
320
00:14:33,205 --> 00:14:35,941
Excuse me!
Laura? Laura?
321
00:14:36,041 --> 00:14:38,978
Oh, my God! Nicole!
322
00:14:39,078 --> 00:14:40,212
You two know each other?
323
00:14:40,312 --> 00:14:41,213
(GIGGLES) Yeah.
324
00:14:41,313 --> 00:14:44,083
We did a Mommy & Me
class together.
325
00:14:44,183 --> 00:14:46,518
Okay, this isn't good.
326
00:14:46,619 --> 00:14:48,988
So, how's little Michael?
327
00:14:49,088 --> 00:14:52,157
Oh, he's great.
How is your baby boy?
328
00:14:52,258 --> 00:14:55,928
Oh, not a baby anymore.
329
00:14:56,028 --> 00:15:00,232
This is little Joshua
and his grandfather
taking a bath together.
330
00:15:01,500 --> 00:15:02,835
Adorable!
331
00:15:02,935 --> 00:15:04,036
(GIGGLES)
332
00:15:04,136 --> 00:15:05,604
So, how did things work out
with that breast pump?
333
00:15:05,704 --> 00:15:07,873
(MEN GROANING)
334
00:15:07,973 --> 00:15:10,542
Not so good.
You'll see in a minute.
335
00:15:12,411 --> 00:15:14,780
Okay. Uh, good night,
everybody.
Come on, let's go.
336
00:15:14,880 --> 00:15:15,881
We're leaving?
Mmm-hmm.
337
00:15:15,981 --> 00:15:17,583
I was just starting
to enjoy this!
338
00:15:17,683 --> 00:15:18,817
Now, come on, honey.
339
00:15:18,918 --> 00:15:20,552
We'll talk all about it
in the minivan.
340
00:15:20,653 --> 00:15:22,788
(WHISPERS) Call me. Bye.
341
00:15:22,888 --> 00:15:25,224
Thanks for
bringing her by.
342
00:15:28,494 --> 00:15:30,229
God, I love this tea.
343
00:15:31,563 --> 00:15:33,098
It makes me feel
344
00:15:34,199 --> 00:15:35,601
unconquerable.
345
00:15:38,070 --> 00:15:39,171
Yeah.
346
00:15:42,741 --> 00:15:45,511
Hey, do you see that hawk
on top of the TV?
347
00:15:49,181 --> 00:15:50,282
No.
348
00:15:51,450 --> 00:15:52,785
Wait...
349
00:15:58,223 --> 00:15:59,191
No.
350
00:16:02,494 --> 00:16:03,963
(BOTH SIGH)
351
00:16:04,063 --> 00:16:06,432
I gotta be honest,
Steph.
352
00:16:06,532 --> 00:16:08,834
It's a little surprising
that someone like you
would have
353
00:16:08,934 --> 00:16:10,803
(WHISPERING)
tea like this!
354
00:16:13,105 --> 00:16:15,841
It's no big deal,
really. Just...
355
00:16:15,941 --> 00:16:17,743
After my freshman year
at college,
356
00:16:17,843 --> 00:16:19,578
I was hitchhiking
through South Dakota
357
00:16:19,678 --> 00:16:22,548
when I met this
Native American guy.
358
00:16:22,648 --> 00:16:24,316
He was super hot.
359
00:16:24,883 --> 00:16:25,985
Mmm.
360
00:16:26,085 --> 00:16:30,856
Like, long, black hair,
and really in shape,
361
00:16:30,956 --> 00:16:34,159
but not from the gym,
just from, like,
climbing stuff.
362
00:16:38,030 --> 00:16:42,835
Anyway, we spent a pretty
wild couple of weeks
camping out,
363
00:16:42,935 --> 00:16:45,604
and before he left,
he gave me these herbs.
364
00:16:46,438 --> 00:16:48,140
It didn't work out,
365
00:16:48,240 --> 00:16:50,209
but every couple of months,
I mail him 100 bucks
366
00:16:50,309 --> 00:16:53,579
and he sends me more
in a hollowed-out
teddy bear.
367
00:16:55,381 --> 00:16:56,749
(SNIFFLES)
368
00:17:01,120 --> 00:17:02,354
Wow.
369
00:17:04,089 --> 00:17:05,290
And to think
when I first met you,
370
00:17:05,391 --> 00:17:07,626
I thought you were
a nitwit.
371
00:17:10,429 --> 00:17:12,197
Yeah.
372
00:17:12,297 --> 00:17:14,867
And I thought you
were a real bitch.
373
00:17:22,641 --> 00:17:23,976
You know what else?
What?
374
00:17:24,076 --> 00:17:26,478
Check out this tattoo.
375
00:17:26,578 --> 00:17:27,346
(CHUCKLES)
376
00:17:27,446 --> 00:17:29,515
Oh!
377
00:17:29,615 --> 00:17:33,252
Jeff thinks it's
the Native American
symbol for serenity.
378
00:17:33,352 --> 00:17:35,788
But it really means
"John Thunderclaw."
379
00:17:43,028 --> 00:17:45,330
Oh, my God.
There goes the hawk.
380
00:17:50,869 --> 00:17:56,208
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
381
00:17:56,308 --> 00:18:00,245
I'm actually starting
to find stripping boring.
382
00:18:00,345 --> 00:18:04,650
I've counted six girls
dancing nude with
nicotine patches.
383
00:18:04,750 --> 00:18:07,820
Eddie, can you not talk
about what's wrong
with the strippers?
384
00:18:07,920 --> 00:18:09,321
I never want
to hear again,
385
00:18:09,421 --> 00:18:11,123
(DEEP VOICE) "Hey, look.
That one's balding."
386
00:18:11,223 --> 00:18:14,726
Oh! Oh, look!
Something very naughty
is happening with my hat!
387
00:18:14,827 --> 00:18:17,830
Yeah. Maybe she can
give it to her friend
and cover the bald spot.
388
00:18:17,930 --> 00:18:19,865
(CHAINS RATTLING)
389
00:18:23,168 --> 00:18:25,104
Oh, my God.
Stan, what happened?
390
00:18:25,204 --> 00:18:28,040
There's no champagne
in the champagne room.
391
00:18:28,140 --> 00:18:30,175
Only shame.
392
00:18:30,275 --> 00:18:31,376
I'm gonna walk over
to the airport
393
00:18:31,477 --> 00:18:34,213
to see if they have
a 24-hour chapel.
394
00:18:36,815 --> 00:18:39,485
Well, I guess we should
call it a night, too.
395
00:18:39,585 --> 00:18:41,653
What? Eddie,
the night's just
getting started!
396
00:18:41,753 --> 00:18:43,155
Hey, man!
Hey, what about
the bachelor party?
397
00:18:43,255 --> 00:18:44,223
(WHOOPS)
398
00:18:44,323 --> 00:18:45,457
Yeah, well,
you know what, Jeff?
399
00:18:45,557 --> 00:18:47,359
I think this looked
a lot better on paper.
400
00:18:47,459 --> 00:18:49,328
Should have stayed home
with the sick wife.
401
00:18:49,428 --> 00:18:52,231
At least I know
what diseases she has.
402
00:18:52,331 --> 00:18:55,033
Do you realize what
I went through with the
wife to get this night?
403
00:18:55,134 --> 00:18:56,802
You understand how mad
Steph is at me?
404
00:18:56,902 --> 00:18:59,438
You know,
someone keyed my car,
and I think it was her.
405
00:18:59,538 --> 00:19:01,273
Yeah, well, you know what?
I'm sorry about that.
406
00:19:01,373 --> 00:19:05,043
But the night's over,
and besides, my friends left.
407
00:19:05,144 --> 00:19:08,247
Oh, right. Right.
Your friends left.
408
00:19:08,347 --> 00:19:10,749
Come on.
You know what I mean.
409
00:19:10,849 --> 00:19:13,285
Yeah, yeah. I think I do.
Let's just go.
410
00:19:14,319 --> 00:19:16,221
Excuse me, miss?
I'm sorry.
411
00:19:16,321 --> 00:19:18,257
(STAMMERING) I love your act,
but I was just on my way out,
412
00:19:18,357 --> 00:19:19,424
and I just needed
to get my hat back.
413
00:19:19,525 --> 00:19:21,260
Hey, hey, hey!
Put those hands down!
414
00:19:21,360 --> 00:19:22,995
Sorry. I was just trying
to get my hat.
415
00:19:23,095 --> 00:19:24,897
You need to try to get
your ass out of here.
416
00:19:24,997 --> 00:19:27,699
(STAMMERING)
I would love to.
It's just, the...
417
00:19:27,799 --> 00:19:29,701
The other young lady
with the tassels,
418
00:19:29,801 --> 00:19:31,170
she disappeared
with my hat.
419
00:19:31,270 --> 00:19:33,172
So, if you'd be
so kind as to...
420
00:19:33,272 --> 00:19:37,176
Excuse me. Can you
just get my friend
his hat back?
421
00:19:38,443 --> 00:19:40,445
I think it's time for
both of you to leave.
422
00:19:41,480 --> 00:19:43,582
You're a striking man.
423
00:19:43,682 --> 00:19:45,617
Amazing arms
like tree trunks.
424
00:19:45,717 --> 00:19:49,888
Do you use those
squishy, springy
hand things to...
425
00:19:49,988 --> 00:19:52,124
I, uh...
426
00:19:52,224 --> 00:19:53,859
Eddie, we could go.
It's fine.
427
00:19:53,959 --> 00:19:55,360
Okay. You sure?
Yeah.
428
00:19:55,460 --> 00:19:56,628
Terrific.
429
00:20:05,938 --> 00:20:06,905
Eddie, what are you doing?
430
00:20:07,005 --> 00:20:08,207
Hey, hey!
431
00:20:08,307 --> 00:20:09,107
Get down from there!
Leave me alone.
432
00:20:09,208 --> 00:20:10,142
Get back here!
Leave me alone.
433
00:20:10,242 --> 00:20:11,810
Party boy! Get back here!
434
00:20:11,910 --> 00:20:13,278
EDDIE: No!
You're hurting me!
435
00:20:13,378 --> 00:20:14,746
BOUNCER: Get back here!
436
00:20:14,846 --> 00:20:16,048
(CHAINS RATTLING)
437
00:20:16,148 --> 00:20:18,517
Run, Woodcock!
Run like the wind!
438
00:20:20,452 --> 00:20:20,485
{\an8}n'
439
00:20:20,485 --> 00:20:20,519
{\an8}n't
440
00:20:20,519 --> 00:20:20,552
{\an8}n't th
441
00:20:20,552 --> 00:20:20,586
{\an8}n't thin
442
00:20:20,586 --> 00:20:20,652
{\an8}n't think
443
00:20:20,652 --> 00:20:20,686
{\an8}n't think
it
444
00:20:20,686 --> 00:20:20,719
{\an8}n't think
it m
445
00:20:20,719 --> 00:20:20,752
{\an8}n't think
it mak
446
00:20:20,752 --> 00:20:20,786
{\an8}n't think
it makes
447
00:20:20,786 --> 00:20:20,819
{\an8}n't think
it makes m
448
00:20:20,819 --> 00:20:20,852
{\an8}n't think
it makes me
449
00:20:20,852 --> 00:20:20,886
{\an8}n't think
it makes me lo
450
00:20:20,886 --> 00:20:20,953
{\an8}n't think
it makes me look
451
00:20:20,953 --> 00:20:20,986
{\an8}n't think
it makes me look
to
452
00:20:20,986 --> 00:20:21,019
{\an8}n't think
it makes me look
too
453
00:20:21,019 --> 00:20:21,053
{\an8}n't think
it makes me look
too ta
454
00:20:21,053 --> 00:20:21,086
{\an8}n't think
it makes me look
too tall
455
00:20:21,086 --> 00:20:21,119
{\an8}n't think
it makes me look
too tall?
456
00:20:22,821 --> 00:20:24,056
It's good! It's good!
Okay.
457
00:20:24,156 --> 00:20:25,390
All right,
now listen.
458
00:20:25,490 --> 00:20:28,327
Remember, our wives
have probably spent
the entire evening
459
00:20:28,427 --> 00:20:30,162
eating their
cookie-dough ice cream
460
00:20:30,262 --> 00:20:31,863
and crying about
what we've been doing
tonight, all right?
461
00:20:31,964 --> 00:20:33,232
So, listen.
462
00:20:33,332 --> 00:20:35,634
No matter what happens
on the other side of
this door,
463
00:20:35,734 --> 00:20:37,202
do not show the guilt.
464
00:20:37,302 --> 00:20:38,470
Got it.
Okay.
465
00:20:51,750 --> 00:20:53,018
{\an8}I don't know what
happened here, buddy.
466
00:20:53,118 --> 00:20:54,019
{\an8}(PATS JEFF'S BACK)
467
00:20:54,119 --> 00:20:56,221
{\an8}But I think you're
off the hook.
36205
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