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00:00:01,001 --> 00:00:01,735
♪ All right!
2
00:00:01,835 --> 00:00:02,769
♪ Hey!
3
00:00:02,869 --> 00:00:05,238
♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! ♪
4
00:00:08,041 --> 00:00:10,076
EDDIE: I love
faculty pasta night.
5
00:00:10,643 --> 00:00:12,278
I'm going back in.
6
00:00:12,379 --> 00:00:15,515
{\an8}Are you kidding?
You've had nine
plates of spaghetti.
7
00:00:15,615 --> 00:00:16,816
How can you not be full?
8
00:00:16,916 --> 00:00:19,319
Oh, I emptied her out
20 minutes ago.
9
00:00:25,058 --> 00:00:26,593
{\an8}Hello there.
10
00:00:26,693 --> 00:00:28,628
{\an8}Oh, hello, Father Woodcock.
11
00:00:28,728 --> 00:00:31,398
{\an8}Are you here
to bless the buffet?
12
00:00:31,498 --> 00:00:33,767
{\an8}It's called a mock
turtleneck, Eddie,
13
00:00:33,867 --> 00:00:35,735
{\an8}and they happen to be
making a comeback.
14
00:00:35,835 --> 00:00:39,372
Yeah? Maybe you should
wait until they're
all the way back?
15
00:00:42,142 --> 00:00:45,545
{\an8}Hey, hey. Have you met Lucy,
the new history teacher?
16
00:00:45,645 --> 00:00:47,847
{\an8}You know, I heard she was
on the squash team at Penn.
17
00:00:47,947 --> 00:00:49,516
{\an8}I think I might try
to get a game with her.
18
00:00:49,616 --> 00:00:51,951
{\an8}Right. Well, you know what?
You're not gonna
want to do that.
19
00:00:52,052 --> 00:00:54,354
{\an8}Why not?
Because you're
married now, Opie.
20
00:00:54,454 --> 00:00:57,057
{\an8}And once you're married,
the only female friends
you can have
21
00:00:57,157 --> 00:00:59,025
{\an8}are the ones that are
grandfathered in,
22
00:00:59,125 --> 00:01:01,161
{\an8}and even they better be
really, really ugly.
23
00:01:01,261 --> 00:01:05,098
{\an8}Eddie, Steph and I
happen to trust each other.
24
00:01:05,198 --> 00:01:07,333
{\an8}The last thing
that would threaten
either one of us...
25
00:01:07,434 --> 00:01:09,869
{\an8}Is Steph talking
to the quarterback?
26
00:01:11,137 --> 00:01:13,173
{\an8}Will you hold my plate?
27
00:01:14,474 --> 00:01:16,309
Salad.
28
00:01:16,409 --> 00:01:19,012
That's not gonna
silence the rumors.
29
00:01:21,448 --> 00:01:22,415
Hi, sweetie.
30
00:01:22,515 --> 00:01:24,084
Hey, Mr. Woodcock.
31
00:01:26,886 --> 00:01:28,388
{\an8}Oh, is Steph your wife?
32
00:01:28,488 --> 00:01:31,858
{\an8}Yes, Brian.
Mrs. Woodcock is my wife.
33
00:01:33,159 --> 00:01:35,195
{\an8}So step off, hotshot.
34
00:01:37,864 --> 00:01:38,998
{\an8}What was that about?
35
00:01:39,099 --> 00:01:40,467
{\an8}That kid is a nightmare,
Steph.
36
00:01:40,567 --> 00:01:43,103
{\an8}The other day,
I told him he couldn't wear
sunglasses in class.
37
00:01:43,203 --> 00:01:46,172
{\an8}He cut my phone line off
and glued my office door shut.
38
00:01:46,272 --> 00:01:48,975
{\an8}I was trapped in there
for five periods.
39
00:01:49,075 --> 00:01:53,079
Again, I'm sorry I thought
all your frantic e-mails
were a gag.
40
00:01:54,614 --> 00:01:56,483
Excuse me.
You're Eddie, right?
41
00:01:56,583 --> 00:01:58,651
I'm Lucy. I just joined
your department.
42
00:01:58,751 --> 00:02:02,055
Oh. Hi. Welcome. Great.
See you in the hallway.
43
00:02:02,155 --> 00:02:03,857
{\an8}I have heard
so much about you.
44
00:02:03,957 --> 00:02:06,092
{\an8}Everybody loves your class.
45
00:02:06,192 --> 00:02:08,962
{\an8}Oh, and here's my wife
right now.
46
00:02:09,062 --> 00:02:10,497
{\an8}Hi.
Speak of the devil.
47
00:02:10,597 --> 00:02:12,031
{\an8}I'm Joy.
Lucy.
48
00:02:12,132 --> 00:02:13,800
Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you.
49
00:02:13,900 --> 00:02:16,269
Anyway, I'm so new
to all this.
50
00:02:16,369 --> 00:02:20,039
I'd love to get together
and just pick your brain
about my syllabus.
51
00:02:20,140 --> 00:02:22,675
Would it be okay
if I gave you my number?
52
00:02:22,775 --> 00:02:24,978
Did you hear about my wife?
53
00:02:25,078 --> 00:02:26,012
Yes.
54
00:02:26,112 --> 00:02:27,480
Hi.
Hi again.
55
00:02:27,580 --> 00:02:28,982
Hi.
56
00:02:29,082 --> 00:02:30,016
You know,
I don't have a pen.
57
00:02:30,116 --> 00:02:32,252
Me, neither.
I have one.
58
00:02:42,328 --> 00:02:44,397
I can't believe you brought
that spaghetti home.
59
00:02:44,497 --> 00:02:47,667
Oh, come on.
There was plenty leftover
for the shelter.
60
00:02:49,602 --> 00:02:51,371
All right, we gotta
make some room in here.
61
00:02:51,471 --> 00:02:54,674
Are you still keeping
this low-fat yogurt
dream alive?
62
00:02:54,774 --> 00:02:55,975
Yes, Eddie, I am.
63
00:02:56,075 --> 00:02:57,577
Okay, well,
something's gotta go.
64
00:02:57,677 --> 00:03:00,613
I'm looking at 20 pictures
of Paul Newman here.
65
00:03:05,218 --> 00:03:08,188
Why are you and I both
so afraid to finish jelly?
66
00:03:11,157 --> 00:03:12,559
What are you doing?
67
00:03:12,659 --> 00:03:14,394
{\an5}I'm throwing away
Lucy's number.
Why?
68
00:03:14,494 --> 00:03:16,462
Because I've been
in this marriage
long enough to know
69
00:03:16,563 --> 00:03:21,100
that me dating another woman
while I'm still married to you
is probably a bad idea.
70
00:03:22,068 --> 00:03:23,703
She is your colleague.
71
00:03:23,803 --> 00:03:27,040
Yeah, a colleague
with lady parts.
72
00:03:27,140 --> 00:03:29,209
You think she's trying
to date you?
73
00:03:29,309 --> 00:03:31,277
Get over yourself.
She doesn't want you.
74
00:03:31,377 --> 00:03:33,346
And even if she did,
you wouldn't do anything.
75
00:03:33,446 --> 00:03:34,881
And even if you wanted
to do something,
76
00:03:34,981 --> 00:03:37,050
you wouldn't know
what to do.
77
00:03:38,885 --> 00:03:42,288
Trust me,
I'd know what to do.
78
00:03:42,388 --> 00:03:45,358
Do you even know
what's involved
in having an affair?
79
00:03:45,458 --> 00:03:47,193
Everything that
you're against.
80
00:03:47,293 --> 00:03:49,963
Floral delivery,
candlelit restaurants,
81
00:03:50,063 --> 00:03:51,764
rendezvous in
seedy motels.
82
00:03:51,864 --> 00:03:53,066
What are you gonna do,
germ guy,
83
00:03:53,166 --> 00:03:55,134
bring your own bedspread?
84
00:03:55,235 --> 00:03:58,538
Okay, so what are you saying,
it's okay to hang out
with another woman?
85
00:03:58,638 --> 00:03:59,672
Yes.
86
00:03:59,772 --> 00:04:01,307
Oh, come on.
Are you kidding?
87
00:04:01,407 --> 00:04:03,176
You would be so jealous.
88
00:04:03,276 --> 00:04:05,111
Maybe you haven't noticed,
but we...
89
00:04:05,211 --> 00:04:07,513
We don't feel
jealousy anymore.
90
00:04:08,214 --> 00:04:10,049
We're dead inside.
91
00:04:10,750 --> 00:04:11,918
What?
Relax.
92
00:04:12,018 --> 00:04:13,152
In a good way.
93
00:04:13,253 --> 00:04:15,021
We're finally in a place
in our relationship
94
00:04:15,121 --> 00:04:17,156
where we're totally secure
because we both understand
95
00:04:17,257 --> 00:04:19,325
the other one has
no other options.
96
00:04:20,727 --> 00:04:23,463
No, no, no, I think
we still get jealous.
97
00:04:23,563 --> 00:04:25,865
Oh, come on. I am the one
who suggests we go to Hooters
98
00:04:25,965 --> 00:04:27,200
'cause I like
the buffalo wings.
99
00:04:27,300 --> 00:04:29,936
And I don't get mad
when you tip 40%.
100
00:04:32,138 --> 00:04:33,606
Well, I still get jealous.
101
00:04:33,706 --> 00:04:35,575
Really? What did you
say to our gardener
102
00:04:35,675 --> 00:04:38,478
when you caught him
peeking in the window
at me in the shower?
103
00:04:38,578 --> 00:04:42,882
I said, "While you're there,
you might want to prune
the rhododendrons."
104
00:04:45,084 --> 00:04:47,287
Oh, my God,
we are dead inside.
105
00:04:48,187 --> 00:04:49,589
Give the lady a call.
106
00:04:49,689 --> 00:04:50,590
You want me to call her?
107
00:04:50,690 --> 00:04:52,392
I do.
108
00:04:52,492 --> 00:04:56,195
And this isn't
gonna come back
and bite me in the ass?
109
00:04:56,296 --> 00:04:59,232
No, that part of
our relationship
is dead also.
110
00:05:03,269 --> 00:05:03,303
{\an8}GL
111
00:05:03,303 --> 00:05:03,336
{\an8}GLE
112
00:05:03,336 --> 00:05:03,369
{\an8}GLE PL
113
00:05:03,369 --> 00:05:03,403
{\an8}GLE PLAY
114
00:05:03,403 --> 00:05:03,436
{\an8}GLE PLAYIN
115
00:05:03,436 --> 00:05:03,469
{\an8}GLE PLAYING)
116
00:05:13,012 --> 00:05:15,682
Hey. Wayne, Brian,
Sebastian.
117
00:05:15,782 --> 00:05:18,351
Uh, hey, guys, you know,
118
00:05:18,451 --> 00:05:21,254
I love the smell
of sweet cherry hickory
as much as the next guy,
119
00:05:21,354 --> 00:05:24,924
but you cannot smoke
a pipe in high school.
120
00:05:25,024 --> 00:05:28,161
The thing is,
my grandfather
was an Indian chief.
121
00:05:28,261 --> 00:05:29,929
My people have
lost everything.
122
00:05:30,029 --> 00:05:33,333
You want to take this
away from me, too?
123
00:05:33,433 --> 00:05:35,401
Look, guys, I'm just
trying to do my job here.
124
00:05:35,501 --> 00:05:36,536
{\an5}Please, can you
give me a break?
Hey.
125
00:05:36,636 --> 00:05:38,905
Put the pipe out.
All right.
126
00:05:39,005 --> 00:05:40,707
Sorry, Mr. Woodcock.
127
00:05:40,807 --> 00:05:43,476
Really?
Well, thanks, guys.
128
00:05:43,576 --> 00:05:44,610
Yeah, no problem.
129
00:05:44,711 --> 00:05:47,613
Hey, and by the way,
how's Mrs. Woodcock?
130
00:05:48,748 --> 00:05:50,316
She's...
131
00:05:50,416 --> 00:05:51,417
She's good.
Oh, no.
132
00:05:51,517 --> 00:05:54,253
She's better than good.
She's a hottie.
133
00:05:54,354 --> 00:05:56,155
Nice job with that.
134
00:06:01,728 --> 00:06:02,862
Yeah.
135
00:06:07,467 --> 00:06:08,534
(DOORBELL RINGS)
136
00:06:08,634 --> 00:06:10,770
Eddie, your date's here!
137
00:06:13,906 --> 00:06:16,275
Oh, look,
you tucked in for her!
138
00:06:21,814 --> 00:06:23,082
Hi, Lucy.
Hi.
139
00:06:23,182 --> 00:06:24,183
Hi.
How are you?
140
00:06:24,283 --> 00:06:25,685
Hello. Welcome.
Come on in.
141
00:06:25,785 --> 00:06:27,587
Thank you so much
for having me over.
142
00:06:27,687 --> 00:06:30,556
Why don't you two
go in there and start
your learning thing
143
00:06:30,656 --> 00:06:32,258
and maybe I'll
fix you a snack.
144
00:06:32,358 --> 00:06:34,460
(LAUGHS) Fantastic.
145
00:06:37,263 --> 00:06:38,965
Please, sit down.
Thank you.
146
00:06:39,065 --> 00:06:43,002
Now, for American history,
I made a copy of my syllabus.
147
00:06:44,704 --> 00:06:47,974
Wow. So all of January
is musket month?
148
00:06:48,941 --> 00:06:50,476
That's correct.
149
00:06:52,445 --> 00:06:53,813
I know I spent a lot
of time on warfare,
150
00:06:53,913 --> 00:06:57,784
but peace is kind of boring,
don't you think?
151
00:06:57,884 --> 00:06:59,485
(STAMMERING) No. It's good.
152
00:06:59,585 --> 00:07:01,120
I mean, "The lessons
of history are written
153
00:07:01,220 --> 00:07:03,790
"by the wounded,
not the dead," right?
154
00:07:03,890 --> 00:07:05,558
Oh, my God, that's from
Marshall Duffy's book,
155
00:07:05,658 --> 00:07:07,460
A Historical Take on History.
156
00:07:07,560 --> 00:07:09,262
You know that book?
157
00:07:09,362 --> 00:07:12,698
What, are you kidding?
He is my favorite author.
I love him.
158
00:07:12,799 --> 00:07:16,335
Me, too. You know,
so many people think
his book is boring.
159
00:07:16,436 --> 00:07:17,870
I think his writing
is phenomenal.
160
00:07:17,970 --> 00:07:20,039
Well, if you like
his writing,
161
00:07:20,139 --> 00:07:22,842
tell me what you think
of his handwriting
162
00:07:22,942 --> 00:07:25,945
in this personal inscription
made out to me!
163
00:07:26,045 --> 00:07:27,380
No way!
164
00:07:28,114 --> 00:07:29,749
"Keep making history."
165
00:07:29,849 --> 00:07:32,018
Eddie, this is awesome.
166
00:07:32,118 --> 00:07:36,189
Yeah. I kept the pen.
It's a Bic.
167
00:07:36,289 --> 00:07:38,291
All right. You know,
he's speaking at
that bookstore
168
00:07:38,391 --> 00:07:40,193
by school on Saturday.
Are you going?
169
00:07:40,293 --> 00:07:42,862
Well, I better be.
I'm moderating the Q&A.
170
00:07:42,962 --> 00:07:44,697
(EXCLAIMS)
171
00:07:44,797 --> 00:07:47,433
Oh, my God, you're my hero.
172
00:07:47,533 --> 00:07:49,268
No, no, no.
Duffy's the hero.
173
00:07:49,368 --> 00:07:51,804
How about that chapter
he wrote on
the Teapot Dome scandal?
174
00:07:51,904 --> 00:07:54,574
I know. He totally
turns it on its head.
175
00:07:54,674 --> 00:07:58,411
Yeah, finally somebody
has Warren G. Harding's
back, right?
176
00:07:58,511 --> 00:08:02,381
We were out of cookies,
so I defrosted
some guacamole.
177
00:08:02,482 --> 00:08:05,451
You know, I'm just
really glad that someone
is finally reminding us
178
00:08:05,551 --> 00:08:07,353
that it's Albert Fall
who took that bribe.
179
00:08:07,453 --> 00:08:10,523
Thank you. And that
son of a bitch
Harry Sinclair
180
00:08:10,623 --> 00:08:12,625
and how he tampered
with that jury.
181
00:08:12,725 --> 00:08:14,393
I stuck my tongue in it.
I hope that's okay.
182
00:08:14,494 --> 00:08:16,462
Oh, yeah...
183
00:08:16,562 --> 00:08:19,065
That's sweet, honey.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
184
00:08:19,165 --> 00:08:20,199
This chapter on the...
185
00:08:20,299 --> 00:08:21,434
Oh, don't tell me.
Don't tell me.
186
00:08:21,534 --> 00:08:22,702
The Tennessee
Valley Authority.
187
00:08:22,802 --> 00:08:24,136
Oh, he nailed that.
188
00:08:24,237 --> 00:08:25,638
Yes!
Yes!
189
00:08:31,143 --> 00:08:33,112
Anybody need a cigarette?
190
00:08:36,382 --> 00:08:36,415
{\an8}GL
191
00:08:36,415 --> 00:08:36,449
{\an8}GLE
192
00:08:36,449 --> 00:08:36,482
{\an8}GLE PL
193
00:08:36,482 --> 00:08:36,516
{\an8}GLE PLAY
194
00:08:36,516 --> 00:08:36,549
{\an8}GLE PLAYIN
195
00:08:36,549 --> 00:08:36,582
{\an8}GLE PLAYING)
196
00:08:40,319 --> 00:08:41,954
Honey, when you
asked me out for lunch,
197
00:08:42,054 --> 00:08:44,790
I kind of thought we were
going someplace nice.
198
00:08:44,891 --> 00:08:46,626
The cafeteria's not nice?
199
00:08:46,726 --> 00:08:50,129
Excuse me, we just
recarpeted this pole.
200
00:08:50,229 --> 00:08:51,430
Besides, you know,
you get a chance
201
00:08:51,531 --> 00:08:53,766
to see me do my thing,
meet some people.
202
00:08:53,866 --> 00:08:55,201
Huh?
203
00:08:55,301 --> 00:08:57,003
Hey! Scott!
204
00:08:57,103 --> 00:08:59,472
Rahim, it's the wifeski.
205
00:09:01,507 --> 00:09:03,342
Not too shabby, huh?
206
00:09:04,744 --> 00:09:06,913
Hey. You want to go sit
by the window?
207
00:09:07,013 --> 00:09:08,214
Hey, Mr. Woodcock.
208
00:09:08,314 --> 00:09:11,150
Hey, let's sit
next to Brian.
209
00:09:11,250 --> 00:09:13,486
Wait. Isn't he
the guy who glued
you into your office?
210
00:09:13,586 --> 00:09:15,788
Yeah. Yeah. He's crazy.
211
00:09:15,888 --> 00:09:17,423
He's awesome.
212
00:09:20,493 --> 00:09:21,527
(JINGLE PLAYING)
213
00:09:24,997 --> 00:09:26,132
What you watching?
214
00:09:26,232 --> 00:09:28,301
Dog show.
The terriers are up.
215
00:09:28,401 --> 00:09:30,369
Little legs, big hearts.
216
00:09:35,074 --> 00:09:36,309
You know,
our couch is an L.
217
00:09:36,409 --> 00:09:39,145
You have a whole other
wing over there.
218
00:09:39,245 --> 00:09:40,613
I want to be close to you.
219
00:09:40,713 --> 00:09:43,482
Okay. I believe
I have a pit open.
220
00:09:46,719 --> 00:09:48,321
(CHUCKLES)
221
00:09:48,421 --> 00:09:50,389
Wow. If she's going to be
running with that dog,
222
00:09:50,489 --> 00:09:51,724
she might want to get
a better bra.
223
00:09:51,824 --> 00:09:54,493
Yeah. I bet those things
weigh more than her beagle.
224
00:09:54,594 --> 00:09:55,561
(LAUGHS)
225
00:09:55,661 --> 00:09:57,330
(TELEPHONE RINGING)
226
00:10:01,834 --> 00:10:03,769
Hello.
227
00:10:03,869 --> 00:10:05,972
Hi. Yeah, he's here.
Hold on.
228
00:10:06,839 --> 00:10:07,873
Lucy.
229
00:10:07,974 --> 00:10:09,208
Oh, really?
She probably wants to know
230
00:10:09,308 --> 00:10:10,977
when the book Q&A
starts tomorrow.
231
00:10:11,077 --> 00:10:12,378
Oh, she's going to that?
232
00:10:12,478 --> 00:10:15,381
Of course she is.
It's her favorite book.
233
00:10:16,082 --> 00:10:17,550
Go for Eddie.
234
00:10:19,085 --> 00:10:20,686
Really?
235
00:10:20,786 --> 00:10:22,121
Right now?
What right now?
236
00:10:22,221 --> 00:10:23,856
What channel?
What is it?
237
00:10:23,956 --> 00:10:28,260
The History Channel
is re-enacting the entire
Iran-Contra scandal.
238
00:10:28,361 --> 00:10:31,564
But the doberman's
about to mount
the chihuahua.
239
00:10:31,664 --> 00:10:33,599
Remind you of anything?
240
00:10:34,333 --> 00:10:35,901
Okay.
241
00:10:36,002 --> 00:10:38,004
Oh, gosh, this is gonna be
the 17 best hours
242
00:10:38,104 --> 00:10:39,372
of television ever.
243
00:10:39,472 --> 00:10:40,973
You don't mind,
do you, honey?
244
00:10:41,073 --> 00:10:42,375
No, no, you
245
00:10:42,475 --> 00:10:43,509
enjoy.
246
00:10:45,111 --> 00:10:47,079
Oh, who's that
playing Ronald Reagan?
247
00:10:47,179 --> 00:10:49,382
Oh, they got
John Larroquette.
248
00:10:50,983 --> 00:10:51,951
(LAUGHING)
249
00:10:52,051 --> 00:10:53,986
(SNAPPING FINGERS)
250
00:10:54,086 --> 00:10:55,588
(INAUDIBLE)
251
00:10:57,456 --> 00:11:00,092
Ah, that looks just like
the Oval Office.
252
00:11:00,192 --> 00:11:01,127
No, no, never been,
but I've seen
253
00:11:01,227 --> 00:11:03,062
American President
nine times.
254
00:11:04,463 --> 00:11:06,265
Oh, jellybeans on the desk.
255
00:11:06,365 --> 00:11:07,700
Nice touch.
256
00:11:08,934 --> 00:11:10,302
♪ Oh!
257
00:11:10,403 --> 00:11:12,438
♪ Oh, oh, baby ♪
258
00:11:12,538 --> 00:11:14,974
Put down your Cosmo
and shave your legs.
We're going out.
259
00:11:15,074 --> 00:11:16,375
Really?
Where are we going?
260
00:11:16,475 --> 00:11:18,377
Parking lot
behind the water tower.
261
00:11:19,712 --> 00:11:20,813
What?
Yeah.
262
00:11:20,913 --> 00:11:22,715
I'm gonna need you to wear
something special, too.
263
00:11:22,815 --> 00:11:24,083
(EXCLAIMS)
264
00:11:24,183 --> 00:11:25,951
This is nice.
265
00:11:26,052 --> 00:11:27,353
I'm not wearing a camisole.
266
00:11:27,453 --> 00:11:29,288
It's 10 degrees out.
267
00:11:29,388 --> 00:11:31,557
All right, uh...
268
00:11:31,657 --> 00:11:34,093
Oh, how about this
nice warm sweater
269
00:11:34,193 --> 00:11:35,961
with some kitten tights, huh?
270
00:11:36,062 --> 00:11:38,731
Okay, Brian's got a curfew.
Chop-chop, we gotta move.
271
00:11:38,831 --> 00:11:40,800
Brian?
Jeff, this is insane.
272
00:11:40,900 --> 00:11:43,569
We're not gonna go out
with a bunch
of high school kids.
273
00:11:43,669 --> 00:11:45,438
Why are you doing this?
274
00:11:45,538 --> 00:11:46,906
Look, honey...
275
00:11:47,006 --> 00:11:48,140
Honey, look.
276
00:11:48,240 --> 00:11:51,610
I know this may come
as a shock to you,
277
00:11:51,711 --> 00:11:54,447
but I was not that popular
in high school.
278
00:11:54,547 --> 00:11:57,249
I mean, sure, everyone
in the magic club loved me,
279
00:11:57,349 --> 00:12:02,254
but outside of that world
it was a very lonely place.
280
00:12:02,354 --> 00:12:04,623
And I don't know how the hell
I landed you, but...
281
00:12:04,724 --> 00:12:06,158
You know, when I brought
you in the other day,
282
00:12:06,258 --> 00:12:09,095
it was like it gave me
this street cred that
I've never had before,
283
00:12:09,195 --> 00:12:13,432
and I was able to become
everything I never was
in high school.
284
00:12:13,532 --> 00:12:17,103
Honey, don't worry so much
about being cool.
285
00:12:17,203 --> 00:12:18,804
I've been with cool guys,
286
00:12:18,904 --> 00:12:19,872
a lot of cool guys.
287
00:12:19,972 --> 00:12:21,674
Like, 15 of them.
288
00:12:23,042 --> 00:12:25,411
This one guy, Dave,
he was a Navy SEAL.
289
00:12:25,511 --> 00:12:26,679
You could drop him
out of a helicopter,
290
00:12:26,779 --> 00:12:30,015
like, anywhere in the world
and he could survive.
291
00:12:30,950 --> 00:12:34,320
He was really, really cool.
292
00:12:34,420 --> 00:12:35,821
But I never loved
any of them
293
00:12:35,921 --> 00:12:39,091
the way I love a nice
nerdy guy like you.
294
00:12:39,191 --> 00:12:41,427
Really?
Yeah.
295
00:12:41,527 --> 00:12:44,797
Let's stay home
and be all nerdy together.
296
00:12:44,897 --> 00:12:47,333
You want to show me
a magic trick?
297
00:12:47,933 --> 00:12:49,034
Okay.
298
00:12:50,603 --> 00:12:53,139
Don't move.
I gotta find my false thumb.
299
00:12:53,973 --> 00:12:55,741
I'll be here.
300
00:13:00,279 --> 00:13:02,148
(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)
301
00:13:59,371 --> 00:14:00,606
(JINGLE PLAYING)
302
00:14:04,910 --> 00:14:06,345
(LOUDLY)
Good afternoon every...
303
00:14:06,445 --> 00:14:08,247
{\an8}(FEEDBACK RINGING)
Okay, that isn't gonna...
304
00:14:08,347 --> 00:14:10,416
That isn't...
That isn't necessary.
305
00:14:10,516 --> 00:14:13,052
Um, I guess
we'll go unplugged,
306
00:14:13,152 --> 00:14:16,288
as the, uh,
young people say, uh,
307
00:14:16,388 --> 00:14:17,556
today.
308
00:14:17,656 --> 00:14:18,958
Anyway, it is a, um,
309
00:14:19,058 --> 00:14:20,326
a great honor
310
00:14:20,426 --> 00:14:22,361
to introduce the author
311
00:14:22,461 --> 00:14:26,065
of one of the most
influential books of our time.
312
00:14:26,165 --> 00:14:30,469
The incomparable
professor Marshall Duffy.
313
00:14:36,675 --> 00:14:38,744
It's great to be here.
314
00:14:38,844 --> 00:14:40,212
Oh, yes, young lady.
315
00:14:40,312 --> 00:14:42,848
I had a question
about your chapter on crops.
316
00:14:42,948 --> 00:14:45,417
If indigo had been
as stable a commodity
317
00:14:45,517 --> 00:14:47,353
as rice or cotton,
318
00:14:47,453 --> 00:14:49,221
what effect
would that have had
319
00:14:49,321 --> 00:14:52,992
on the formation
of the South Carolina
aristocracy?
320
00:14:53,092 --> 00:14:56,362
Wow. This crowd
is throwing some heat.
321
00:14:56,462 --> 00:14:58,530
That is
a brilliant question.
322
00:14:58,631 --> 00:15:02,201
Well, I never really
considered that hypothetical.
323
00:15:02,301 --> 00:15:03,569
Huh.
324
00:15:03,669 --> 00:15:06,772
You just gave me the idea
for my next book.
325
00:15:08,941 --> 00:15:11,143
Next question.
326
00:15:11,243 --> 00:15:13,379
Uh, young lady
in the back.
327
00:15:13,479 --> 00:15:14,413
Joy?
328
00:15:14,513 --> 00:15:17,216
Hi, Professor Duffy,
329
00:15:17,316 --> 00:15:18,817
amazing book.
330
00:15:18,918 --> 00:15:20,452
Read all of it.
331
00:15:21,220 --> 00:15:22,454
Anyway,
332
00:15:22,554 --> 00:15:26,325
on, uh, on page one
of your book,
333
00:15:26,425 --> 00:15:28,360
you said that,
334
00:15:28,460 --> 00:15:31,463
"American history
is always evolving."
335
00:15:31,563 --> 00:15:34,700
And then, um,
quite a bit further
336
00:15:35,234 --> 00:15:36,835
on page one,
337
00:15:37,736 --> 00:15:39,638
you said that
the Constitution
338
00:15:39,738 --> 00:15:41,941
is a constant.
339
00:15:42,041 --> 00:15:44,576
How do you reconcile
those ideas?
340
00:15:44,677 --> 00:15:46,245
Well,
341
00:15:46,345 --> 00:15:48,914
I think on page two
342
00:15:54,887 --> 00:15:57,656
I explain that
that was the paradox
343
00:15:57,756 --> 00:15:59,992
of American history.
344
00:16:00,092 --> 00:16:04,897
And then I spent
the next 1,000 or so pages
exploring it.
345
00:16:07,199 --> 00:16:09,101
And explore it you did.
346
00:16:09,201 --> 00:16:13,839
I, for one, want to thank you
for taking me on that journey.
347
00:16:15,607 --> 00:16:19,511
Oh, I... Actually,
I have a follow-up question.
348
00:16:19,611 --> 00:16:21,380
Uh, and this one
is really, uh,
349
00:16:21,480 --> 00:16:22,848
more about your process.
350
00:16:22,948 --> 00:16:24,683
Um, do you...
351
00:16:24,783 --> 00:16:29,855
Do you write at home,
or, like, at Starbucks?
352
00:16:29,955 --> 00:16:32,524
I'll take my answer
sitting down.
353
00:16:32,624 --> 00:16:35,127
The university
is kind enough
354
00:16:35,227 --> 00:16:37,229
to lend me an office
355
00:16:39,164 --> 00:16:41,967
in a building that's
named after me.
356
00:16:50,109 --> 00:16:52,378
Okay, and we are back.
357
00:16:53,679 --> 00:16:56,982
I think, uh,
Lucy has another question.
358
00:16:57,082 --> 00:16:59,284
Yes. You claim that Eurasia's
359
00:16:59,385 --> 00:17:03,389
latitudinal geography
accounts for their greater
population density.
360
00:17:03,489 --> 00:17:06,258
That's really
more of a statement
than a question.
361
00:17:06,358 --> 00:17:08,260
My question is,
362
00:17:08,360 --> 00:17:12,664
weren't cultural
and social differences
also a factor?
363
00:17:12,765 --> 00:17:14,767
(STAMMERING) I was gonna
ask that question!
364
00:17:14,867 --> 00:17:15,968
I have it right here.
365
00:17:16,068 --> 00:17:17,336
Professor Duffy, look.
366
00:17:19,605 --> 00:17:23,142
Excellent question,
but I would contend
367
00:17:23,242 --> 00:17:25,744
that social
and cultural differences
368
00:17:25,844 --> 00:17:28,347
are ultimately a product of
369
00:17:28,447 --> 00:17:29,515
geography.
370
00:17:29,615 --> 00:17:30,682
(LAUGHS)
371
00:17:32,584 --> 00:17:35,254
Time to bring out
the big guns.
372
00:17:35,354 --> 00:17:37,222
Professor Duffy,
373
00:17:37,322 --> 00:17:39,324
I have another question.
374
00:17:39,425 --> 00:17:42,461
Oh, dear God.
375
00:17:42,561 --> 00:17:44,329
I noticed that your book
376
00:17:44,430 --> 00:17:47,299
was copyrighted in 2002,
377
00:17:47,399 --> 00:17:51,003
2003, and 2005.
378
00:17:51,103 --> 00:17:52,871
What went wrong in '04?
379
00:17:55,074 --> 00:17:57,409
Ok, I think that's
enough of the questions.
380
00:17:57,509 --> 00:17:59,378
Uh, this might be
a great time...
381
00:17:59,478 --> 00:18:01,146
Who would like to hear
Professor Duffy read
382
00:18:01,246 --> 00:18:03,816
from the chapter
on the Homestead Act?
383
00:18:03,916 --> 00:18:05,050
Huh?
384
00:18:05,818 --> 00:18:07,219
Okay, excuse me.
385
00:18:07,319 --> 00:18:10,489
May I see you in Music, Art,
and Dance, please?
386
00:18:10,589 --> 00:18:12,024
(DUFFY READING)
387
00:18:12,124 --> 00:18:13,125
What?
388
00:18:13,225 --> 00:18:14,827
Are you out of your mind?
What are you doing?
389
00:18:14,927 --> 00:18:18,664
I came here to hear
Marshall Duffy speak
390
00:18:18,764 --> 00:18:20,799
about my new
favorite book.
391
00:18:20,899 --> 00:18:21,900
Oh, really?
392
00:18:22,000 --> 00:18:23,035
What's it called?
393
00:18:23,135 --> 00:18:24,236
(SIGHS)
394
00:18:24,336 --> 00:18:27,139
Big Boring Book.
395
00:18:27,239 --> 00:18:28,440
Uh-huh.
396
00:18:28,540 --> 00:18:30,075
And maybe you can tell me
why you're showing your melons
397
00:18:30,175 --> 00:18:32,878
like we're at
a farmer's market.
398
00:18:33,879 --> 00:18:35,948
Oh. So you noticed.
399
00:18:36,048 --> 00:18:38,317
I'm surprised you could
take your eyes
off your new girlfriend.
400
00:18:38,417 --> 00:18:40,819
{\an5}What?
"Oh, do you like that book?
I love that book."
401
00:18:40,919 --> 00:18:41,854
(IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE)
"Oh, I love that book."
402
00:18:41,954 --> 00:18:43,155
(IMITATING KISSING)
403
00:18:43,255 --> 00:18:45,924
"Yes! Yes!"
404
00:18:46,024 --> 00:18:47,392
(STAMMERING)
Oh, now, wait a minute.
405
00:18:47,493 --> 00:18:48,660
You're mad at me?
406
00:18:48,760 --> 00:18:50,295
Yes, I'm mad at you.
407
00:18:50,395 --> 00:18:51,530
About Lucy?
408
00:18:51,630 --> 00:18:52,698
You're the one
who made me call her.
409
00:18:52,798 --> 00:18:54,032
You're the one
who gave her the pen.
410
00:18:54,133 --> 00:18:55,801
You're the one
who said it wouldn't
bite me in the ass,
411
00:18:55,901 --> 00:18:58,837
and now I'm missing
a big old hairy chunk!
412
00:19:00,305 --> 00:19:02,307
I'm sorry.
413
00:19:02,407 --> 00:19:03,542
I'm jealous, okay?
414
00:19:03,642 --> 00:19:05,210
There, I said it.
I'm jealous.
415
00:19:05,310 --> 00:19:06,812
Well, jealous of what?
416
00:19:06,912 --> 00:19:09,648
What? Joy, we're not even
doing anything here?
417
00:19:09,748 --> 00:19:12,217
It's not about
that stuff, Eddie.
418
00:19:12,317 --> 00:19:14,653
It's about the way
that your eyes light up
419
00:19:14,753 --> 00:19:17,422
when you talk
about history with her.
420
00:19:17,523 --> 00:19:19,725
We never connected over
421
00:19:19,825 --> 00:19:22,094
intellectual stuff.
422
00:19:22,194 --> 00:19:25,264
We mostly just bonded
over these.
423
00:19:25,364 --> 00:19:27,466
Well, what's wrong
about bonding over those?
424
00:19:27,566 --> 00:19:29,468
I love bonding over those.
425
00:19:29,568 --> 00:19:31,403
As a matter of fact,
when you were asleep
last night,
426
00:19:31,503 --> 00:19:33,305
I bonded over those.
427
00:19:34,540 --> 00:19:36,108
But are these enough?
428
00:19:36,208 --> 00:19:37,342
I mean, what about these?
429
00:19:37,442 --> 00:19:39,077
Well, look.
430
00:19:39,178 --> 00:19:40,979
Joy, I love
what's in your sweater,
431
00:19:41,079 --> 00:19:42,548
and I love what's up here,
432
00:19:42,648 --> 00:19:45,684
and I love when we do this.
433
00:19:45,784 --> 00:19:47,085
I didn't know
you were interested.
434
00:19:47,186 --> 00:19:48,420
You want to bond
over the book,
435
00:19:48,520 --> 00:19:49,955
we can bond over the book.
436
00:19:50,055 --> 00:19:51,590
No, I don't want
to bond over the book.
437
00:19:51,690 --> 00:19:53,725
I hate the stupid book.
438
00:19:58,397 --> 00:20:00,566
(STAMMERING) Not your book.
No, it's...
439
00:20:00,666 --> 00:20:01,900
This book right here.
440
00:20:02,000 --> 00:20:03,702
Charles...
441
00:20:03,802 --> 00:20:05,337
Charles Dickens sucks.
442
00:20:09,074 --> 00:20:12,010
Where does this
leave us, huh?
443
00:20:12,110 --> 00:20:13,478
Well, I guess
we're not dead inside.
444
00:20:13,579 --> 00:20:15,881
Well, I guess we're not.
445
00:20:15,981 --> 00:20:17,683
That's a good thing, right?
446
00:20:17,783 --> 00:20:19,751
Yeah, that's a good thing.
447
00:20:19,851 --> 00:20:22,187
So what do you want me to do?
448
00:20:22,287 --> 00:20:25,457
I say you toss
that history hussy's
phone number away,
449
00:20:25,557 --> 00:20:27,926
and let's go home
and bond over these
450
00:20:28,026 --> 00:20:30,028
while I'm still awake.
451
00:20:30,896 --> 00:20:32,297
All right.
452
00:20:34,433 --> 00:20:36,268
Hey, hey, hey, wait.
Could we just
453
00:20:36,368 --> 00:20:38,370
wait until he's done
with the Homestead Act
chapter?
454
00:20:38,470 --> 00:20:41,340
This part kind of gets me
a little fired up.
455
00:20:51,216 --> 00:20:52,651
(PHONE RINGING)
456
00:20:58,190 --> 00:20:59,658
Hello.
457
00:20:59,758 --> 00:21:03,395
{\an8}Okay. Honey, slow down.
Just tell me what happened.
458
00:21:03,495 --> 00:21:07,232
{\an8}You're glued into
your office again?
459
00:21:07,332 --> 00:21:10,535
{\an8}Oh, my God.
Did you do magic
for the guys?
460
00:21:10,636 --> 00:21:12,904
{\an8}I begged you not to do that.
461
00:21:13,005 --> 00:21:15,374
{\an8}Tell me you didn't
wear your cape.
462
00:21:15,474 --> 00:21:17,142
{\an8}I'm sorry, cloak.
463
00:21:18,310 --> 00:21:20,679
{\an8}You wore it to the cafeteria?
464
00:21:20,779 --> 00:21:22,581
{\an8}Okay, Babe, okay.
Don't freak out.
465
00:21:22,681 --> 00:21:25,117
{\an8}If you freak out,
the rabbit will freak out.
466
00:21:25,217 --> 00:21:26,485
{\an8}I'll be right there.
35422
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