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1
00:00:02,369 --> 00:00:05,038
I'd like to marry a girl
that's skinny.
2
00:00:05,138 --> 00:00:07,874
I think I might marry
3
00:00:07,974 --> 00:00:11,411
a girl who does Girl Scouts,
4
00:00:11,511 --> 00:00:13,680
who sells cookies and stuff.
5
00:00:13,780 --> 00:00:16,116
Who would I want to marry?
6
00:00:16,216 --> 00:00:17,317
A lawyer,
7
00:00:17,417 --> 00:00:18,651
so I could be rich.
8
00:00:18,752 --> 00:00:19,853
(CHUCKLES)
9
00:00:22,088 --> 00:00:23,790
JEFF: This is it.
Our new street.
10
00:00:23,890 --> 00:00:25,825
I love our new street!
11
00:00:25,925 --> 00:00:28,261
I love you.
I love you more.
12
00:00:28,361 --> 00:00:30,163
God, you're so hot!
13
00:00:37,504 --> 00:00:40,173
(HORN HONKING)
14
00:00:42,108 --> 00:00:43,510
MAN: Idiot!
15
00:00:53,186 --> 00:00:54,254
(SNORTS)
16
00:01:00,593 --> 00:01:01,728
Ow!
17
00:01:02,729 --> 00:01:04,764
Got a paper cut.
18
00:01:04,864 --> 00:01:06,266
It's disgusting.
19
00:01:07,333 --> 00:01:08,368
Look at it.
20
00:01:09,803 --> 00:01:11,304
Why would I want to look
at your paper cut?
21
00:01:11,404 --> 00:01:13,506
You said it was disgusting.
I'll take your word for it.
22
00:01:13,606 --> 00:01:15,508
Just look at it.
I don't want to.
23
00:01:15,608 --> 00:01:18,411
Come on. It's got this crazy
skin flap. Look at that.
24
00:01:18,511 --> 00:01:20,680
Oh, jeez. Come on,
I don't want to look at it!
25
00:01:20,780 --> 00:01:21,948
(EXCLAIMS)
26
00:01:24,884 --> 00:01:27,554
{\an5}-Ah, no! Stop it!
-Come on, just
take a look at it.
27
00:01:27,654 --> 00:01:28,955
(CAR DOOR SHUTTING)
28
00:01:33,293 --> 00:01:35,762
Hello, new neighbors.
29
00:01:35,862 --> 00:01:37,230
Hmm?
Come on, come.
30
00:01:43,336 --> 00:01:45,772
Oh, look at that.
He's carrying her
across the thing.
31
00:01:50,176 --> 00:01:51,277
{\an5}-Oh!
-Ooh.
32
00:01:51,978 --> 00:01:53,146
Here we go.
33
00:01:54,347 --> 00:01:56,149
Make it count, big man.
34
00:01:57,283 --> 00:01:59,185
What?
Right at the best part.
35
00:01:59,285 --> 00:02:00,687
Where's their bedroom?
36
00:02:00,787 --> 00:02:02,922
Come on.
Show's over.
37
00:02:06,126 --> 00:02:07,994
Well, well, well.
38
00:02:08,094 --> 00:02:11,097
The Rupert's got
groceries again.
39
00:02:11,197 --> 00:02:14,100
They just went
to the market yesterday.
40
00:02:14,200 --> 00:02:15,668
What the hell's
going on over there?
41
00:02:16,669 --> 00:02:18,271
♪ All right!
42
00:02:18,371 --> 00:02:19,272
♪ Hey!
43
00:02:19,372 --> 00:02:21,641
♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! ♪
44
00:02:28,848 --> 00:02:30,583
{\an8}150 beats per minute.
45
00:02:30,683 --> 00:02:31,951
{\an8}I'm at 142.
46
00:02:32,051 --> 00:02:33,553
{\an8}Okay, stretch it out.
47
00:02:41,561 --> 00:02:43,029
{\an8}There's no better
feeling in the world
48
00:02:43,129 --> 00:02:45,365
{\an8}than a warm bucket
of chicken on your lap.
49
00:02:47,700 --> 00:02:48,968
{\an8}Hey there!
50
00:02:49,769 --> 00:02:50,970
{\an8}We're just moving in.
51
00:02:51,070 --> 00:02:54,340
{\an8}Hi! This is Eddie. I'm Joy.
52
00:02:54,440 --> 00:02:56,843
{\an8}Joy. What a happy name.
53
00:02:56,943 --> 00:03:00,313
{\an8}Must be so great
to go through life
with a name like that.
54
00:03:00,413 --> 00:03:02,348
{\an8}Yeah, it's been
quite a ride so far.
55
00:03:03,049 --> 00:03:04,450
{\an8}Jeff Woodcock.
56
00:03:04,551 --> 00:03:06,252
{\an8}This is my wife Steph.
57
00:03:06,352 --> 00:03:07,687
Oh, are you the Woodcock
who's going to be
58
00:03:07,787 --> 00:03:09,889
the new vice-principal
over at Churchill?
59
00:03:09,989 --> 00:03:11,558
Yeah. How'd you know?
60
00:03:11,658 --> 00:03:13,092
I teach history there.
61
00:03:13,193 --> 00:03:14,627
Saw your name
on the newsletter.
62
00:03:14,727 --> 00:03:16,529
I made the newsletter?
63
00:03:16,629 --> 00:03:17,931
Nice.
64
00:03:18,031 --> 00:03:20,900
Yeah. Pretty heady stuff.
Good for you.
65
00:03:21,000 --> 00:03:23,636
Hey, maybe you two
should car-pool.
66
00:03:23,736 --> 00:03:25,338
{\an8}That would be great.
67
00:03:26,673 --> 00:03:28,541
{\an8}So, how do you like
teaching over there?
68
00:03:28,641 --> 00:03:31,477
{\an8}Oh, honestly, I'm just
trying to save up
enough money to retire
69
00:03:31,578 --> 00:03:33,246
{\an8}while I still have a colon.
70
00:03:35,748 --> 00:03:38,585
{\an8}Well, my last job was
teaching middle school
back in Minneapolis,
71
00:03:38,685 --> 00:03:41,788
{\an8}so high school
administration's really
a big leap for me.
72
00:03:41,888 --> 00:03:44,490
{\an8}I want to be like someone
the kids feel like
they can talk to,
73
00:03:44,591 --> 00:03:47,293
{\an8}like a cool vice-principal,
you know?
74
00:03:47,727 --> 00:03:48,861
Okay.
75
00:03:49,529 --> 00:03:51,464
What?
76
00:03:51,564 --> 00:03:54,534
It's just... You know,
it's human nature for kids
to hate their vice-principal.
77
00:03:54,634 --> 00:03:56,202
And your last name
is Woodcock.
78
00:03:56,302 --> 00:03:58,404
Kids are going to have
a little fun with that.
79
00:04:00,139 --> 00:04:01,841
Hey, my pool table catalog.
80
00:04:01,941 --> 00:04:03,376
What's that, baby?
81
00:04:03,476 --> 00:04:05,078
Nothing. You know,
I was just thinking,
82
00:04:05,178 --> 00:04:07,714
since we probably won't be
using the formal dining room
that much,
83
00:04:07,814 --> 00:04:09,616
that it may be fun
to put a pool table there.
84
00:04:09,716 --> 00:04:10,950
Pool table?
85
00:04:11,050 --> 00:04:13,920
That's an interesting idea.
86
00:04:14,020 --> 00:04:16,689
You realize, Woodcock,
you're never getting
that pool table.
87
00:04:16,789 --> 00:04:18,291
What? Yeah, we are.
88
00:04:18,391 --> 00:04:21,461
No. Your wife said,
"That's an interesting idea."
89
00:04:21,561 --> 00:04:24,264
That's woman-talk for
"Maybe when the sun
burns out."
90
00:04:27,667 --> 00:04:29,402
What do you got going on
with those papers there?
91
00:04:29,502 --> 00:04:31,204
You're very busy.
92
00:04:31,304 --> 00:04:34,374
Oh, these are just some
fliers telling the kids
about a website I set up,
93
00:04:34,474 --> 00:04:38,444
so they can e-mail me
with their questions
or concerns.
94
00:04:38,544 --> 00:04:41,014
Mywoodcock.com.
95
00:04:41,114 --> 00:04:43,549
You're not making it
very easy on yourself,
are you?
96
00:04:43,650 --> 00:04:46,586
Hey, when you see
how many hits
mywoodcock gets...
97
00:04:49,188 --> 00:04:52,025
That does sound
kind of bad, huh?
98
00:04:52,125 --> 00:04:53,493
Oh, and about
this pool table thing,
99
00:04:53,593 --> 00:04:56,195
you really don't know
me and my wife
all that well, okay?
100
00:04:56,296 --> 00:04:58,097
She is going
to be fine with it.
101
00:04:58,197 --> 00:04:59,165
No, she's not.
102
00:04:59,265 --> 00:05:00,833
How could you possibly
know that?
103
00:05:00,933 --> 00:05:02,669
A pool table is for fun.
104
00:05:02,769 --> 00:05:04,504
Men want to have fun,
and wives want to
105
00:05:04,604 --> 00:05:08,107
walk that fun
deep into the woods
and shoot it dead.
106
00:05:10,610 --> 00:05:12,345
EDDIE:
Marriage isn't about fun.
107
00:05:12,445 --> 00:05:14,147
Marriage is more about
having someone to drive you
108
00:05:14,247 --> 00:05:16,416
to the hospital
for your operations.
109
00:05:16,516 --> 00:05:18,384
And you will start
having your operations.
110
00:05:18,484 --> 00:05:19,952
Your cataracts, your tumors.
111
00:05:20,053 --> 00:05:21,521
Sure, at certain points
in the marriage,
112
00:05:21,621 --> 00:05:24,324
being a single guy
might seem like more fun,
113
00:05:24,424 --> 00:05:27,060
but there's nothing fun
about being a single guy
with a tumor.
114
00:05:27,160 --> 00:05:29,529
I just couldn't
disagree more.
115
00:05:29,629 --> 00:05:31,931
You think it'd be fun to be
a single guy with a tumor?
116
00:05:32,031 --> 00:05:35,068
No, just your incredibly dark
take on things.
117
00:05:35,168 --> 00:05:37,804
Steph and I,
we met hang-gliding.
118
00:05:37,904 --> 00:05:39,339
We scuba-dive.
119
00:05:39,439 --> 00:05:43,776
Last summer, we visited
a working Amish farm.
120
00:05:43,876 --> 00:05:45,511
So don't tell me about fun.
121
00:05:48,448 --> 00:05:51,417
Wait, that kid's
not allowed to have
a scooter in the hallway.
122
00:05:51,517 --> 00:05:52,985
That kid's allowed
to do whatever he wants.
123
00:05:53,086 --> 00:05:54,587
That's Pete Pratt.
124
00:05:54,687 --> 00:05:56,089
His dad is this
big heart surgeon
125
00:05:56,189 --> 00:05:59,025
who operated on the principal
and saved his life.
126
00:05:59,125 --> 00:06:03,029
Now, the little douchebag's
untouchable.
127
00:06:03,129 --> 00:06:05,965
(CHUCKLING)
There's the guy.
Looking good.
128
00:06:06,065 --> 00:06:07,166
How was your summer?
129
00:06:07,266 --> 00:06:08,701
Not too bad.
130
00:06:08,801 --> 00:06:11,404
Raced a few cars,
kicked around Europe.
131
00:06:11,504 --> 00:06:12,739
So, who's this?
132
00:06:12,839 --> 00:06:14,507
New man you share
your life with?
133
00:06:16,342 --> 00:06:18,411
No.
134
00:06:18,511 --> 00:06:22,181
I'm your new vice-principal.
Mr. Woodcock.
135
00:06:22,281 --> 00:06:24,684
I'm sorry.
Mr. Wood what?
136
00:06:27,153 --> 00:06:28,888
And so it begins.
137
00:06:30,957 --> 00:06:32,358
(SCHOOL BELL RINGS)
138
00:06:32,458 --> 00:06:33,893
Bottom line,
139
00:06:33,993 --> 00:06:36,028
people have always
killed each other,
140
00:06:36,129 --> 00:06:37,964
people are currently
killing each other,
141
00:06:38,064 --> 00:06:42,502
and people will continue
to kill each other forever.
142
00:06:42,602 --> 00:06:44,070
All right.
Have a great afternoon.
143
00:06:46,506 --> 00:06:48,608
So, how was your big
first day of school?
144
00:06:48,708 --> 00:06:50,643
Get any e-mails
to mywoodcock?
145
00:06:50,743 --> 00:06:53,713
Yeah, quite a few, actually.
Most of them not so nice.
146
00:06:53,813 --> 00:06:57,116
And I could have done without
that hurtful one from you.
147
00:06:57,216 --> 00:07:00,219
By the way,
the more I think about
this pool table thing,
148
00:07:00,319 --> 00:07:03,322
the more I realize
you are so completely wrong.
149
00:07:03,423 --> 00:07:05,057
Steph's going to love it.
150
00:07:05,758 --> 00:07:06,926
Okay.
151
00:07:08,628 --> 00:07:10,830
But even if you are right
and she's not that
into the idea,
152
00:07:10,930 --> 00:07:12,298
I'm still going to get one
153
00:07:12,398 --> 00:07:13,900
because I'll just tell her
how much it means to me
154
00:07:14,000 --> 00:07:15,201
and she'll understand
155
00:07:15,301 --> 00:07:16,969
'cause we communicate.
156
00:07:17,069 --> 00:07:18,638
That's how
we solve problems.
157
00:07:18,738 --> 00:07:20,773
Communication. Right.
158
00:07:20,873 --> 00:07:23,943
I can predict exactly
how your pool table
fight's going to go.
159
00:07:24,043 --> 00:07:25,945
I could write the script
word for word,
160
00:07:26,045 --> 00:07:29,682
and our little play
does not have a happy ending.
161
00:07:29,782 --> 00:07:32,151
You are a bizarre human being.
162
00:07:33,052 --> 00:07:34,253
Oh, am I?
163
00:07:34,854 --> 00:07:36,856
Here we go.
164
00:07:36,956 --> 00:07:40,460
She'll say,
"Isn't the room a little
small for a pool table?"
165
00:07:40,560 --> 00:07:42,395
And you'll say, "No."
166
00:07:42,495 --> 00:07:45,965
And she'll say, "Yeah,
but how often do you
really get to play pool?"
167
00:07:46,065 --> 00:07:49,235
And you'll say, "Well,
I don't get to play much,
but I'd love to."
168
00:07:49,335 --> 00:07:51,404
And then she'll say,
169
00:07:51,504 --> 00:07:54,707
"But isn't it more important
to have a nice room
for dinner parties?"
170
00:07:54,807 --> 00:07:57,477
And you'll say,
"Well, in reality, sweetie,
171
00:07:57,577 --> 00:07:59,612
"we really don't host
that many dinner parties."
172
00:07:59,712 --> 00:08:02,148
And now you've pissed her off
173
00:08:02,248 --> 00:08:05,718
because even if women don't
actually host dinner parties,
174
00:08:05,818 --> 00:08:09,121
they want to believe that
they host dinner parties.
175
00:08:09,222 --> 00:08:10,590
That's why you just registered
176
00:08:10,690 --> 00:08:13,326
for thousands of dollars'
worth of china.
177
00:08:13,426 --> 00:08:15,595
What pattern did you get?
178
00:08:15,695 --> 00:08:16,796
Butterflies.
179
00:08:16,896 --> 00:08:18,130
Exactly.
180
00:08:20,066 --> 00:08:23,369
There's a reason why china
rhymes with vagina.
181
00:08:25,037 --> 00:08:26,806
(JINGLE PLAYING)
182
00:08:26,906 --> 00:08:28,174
♪ Oh! ♪
183
00:08:28,274 --> 00:08:29,475
Hey, sweetie.
184
00:08:29,575 --> 00:08:32,879
Hey, Mr. Vice-principal.
Get over here.
185
00:08:34,480 --> 00:08:36,916
So, I was just opening
some wedding gifts,
186
00:08:37,016 --> 00:08:40,353
and your Uncle Jerry
sent me lingerie,
187
00:08:40,453 --> 00:08:44,190
and a card I really
don't think I should
share with you.
188
00:08:44,290 --> 00:08:45,791
That's just Uncle Jerry.
189
00:08:45,892 --> 00:08:47,426
Hey, look,
about this pool table...
190
00:08:47,527 --> 00:08:48,661
Hey, what do you
think of this one,
191
00:08:48,761 --> 00:08:51,731
with the cherry wood finish
and the purple felt?
192
00:08:51,831 --> 00:08:54,667
I like it. Purple's pretty.
193
00:08:54,767 --> 00:08:57,036
All right, so you're okay
with this, huh?
194
00:08:57,136 --> 00:08:59,238
So we could get one,
like, this weekend?
195
00:08:59,338 --> 00:09:00,606
Great.
196
00:09:02,241 --> 00:09:03,442
What?
197
00:09:03,543 --> 00:09:04,677
Nothing.
198
00:09:06,012 --> 00:09:08,180
That's great. That's great.
199
00:09:09,148 --> 00:09:10,383
Put down the Goldfish.
200
00:09:10,483 --> 00:09:12,652
We are going jogging.
201
00:09:12,752 --> 00:09:15,321
What? No.
You said we could be fat.
202
00:09:15,421 --> 00:09:18,190
That was our 40th
birthday present
to each other.
203
00:09:18,291 --> 00:09:20,893
That was before I met
our new next-door neighbor
204
00:09:20,993 --> 00:09:22,695
and I look like
I could eat her.
205
00:09:24,397 --> 00:09:25,865
Wait. Is this because
of the Woodcocks?
206
00:09:25,965 --> 00:09:27,700
Yes, it is.
207
00:09:27,800 --> 00:09:30,436
Oh, and by the way,
I invited them for dinner,
208
00:09:30,536 --> 00:09:33,406
a little "Welcome
to the neighborhood."
209
00:09:33,506 --> 00:09:35,374
Wait a minute. You got me
car-pooling with the guy,
210
00:09:35,474 --> 00:09:36,576
now they're coming
over for dinner.
211
00:09:36,676 --> 00:09:39,312
What's next, matching
Woodcock tattoos?
212
00:09:41,180 --> 00:09:42,848
Come on, it'll be fun.
213
00:09:42,949 --> 00:09:45,217
You're always saying since
Allie went away to college,
214
00:09:45,318 --> 00:09:47,320
we've run out of things
to say to each other.
215
00:09:47,420 --> 00:09:49,789
Well, we have,
but in a good way.
216
00:09:51,357 --> 00:09:53,492
Would you go change,
please?
217
00:09:53,593 --> 00:09:55,328
No. You can't make me run.
218
00:09:55,428 --> 00:09:56,896
Fine. Enjoy your heart attack.
219
00:09:56,996 --> 00:09:59,098
I will.
I'm shooting for March.
220
00:10:00,533 --> 00:10:02,401
(CHATTERING ON TV)
221
00:10:03,436 --> 00:10:04,770
What you watching,
Ellen?
222
00:10:05,204 --> 00:10:06,339
Yep.
223
00:10:11,210 --> 00:10:12,578
Who's she got on?
224
00:10:12,678 --> 00:10:14,647
Looks like the cast
of Broadway's Spamalot.
225
00:10:37,169 --> 00:10:38,871
After this,
we're going jogging.
226
00:10:39,672 --> 00:10:43,242
(JINGLE PLAYING)
227
00:10:43,342 --> 00:10:44,910
So you guys
all moved in, huh?
228
00:10:45,011 --> 00:10:47,380
{\an5}-We're coming along.
We still need a few things.
-Yeah?
229
00:10:47,480 --> 00:10:48,648
Oh, yeah, honey,
that reminds me,
230
00:10:48,748 --> 00:10:50,116
we still need to get
a lamp for my desk.
231
00:10:50,216 --> 00:10:52,218
You know what?
We could do that this weekend
232
00:10:52,318 --> 00:10:54,887
when we're out
pool table shopping.
233
00:10:54,987 --> 00:10:57,223
Yep. That's right.
You heard me.
234
00:10:59,692 --> 00:11:02,161
Okay, I'm going to go
check on my gnocchi
235
00:11:02,261 --> 00:11:04,730
and then maybe order
some backup Chinese.
236
00:11:06,265 --> 00:11:09,135
Some red wine, Eddie?
237
00:11:09,235 --> 00:11:12,705
Actually, sweetie,
I was thinking about
that pool table and...
238
00:11:12,805 --> 00:11:15,141
Are you sure
the dining room's
big enough?
239
00:11:20,746 --> 00:11:21,881
There it is.
240
00:11:24,216 --> 00:11:25,384
Yeah. Yeah.
241
00:11:25,484 --> 00:11:29,488
I think there's plenty of room
in there, honey, yeah.
242
00:11:29,588 --> 00:11:33,592
But how much do you
really play pool, anyway?
243
00:11:33,693 --> 00:11:35,761
I don't really play
all that much,
244
00:11:35,861 --> 00:11:38,464
but that's mainly because
I don't have a pool table.
245
00:11:38,564 --> 00:11:40,866
I got to say,
I'm a little confused, honey.
246
00:11:40,966 --> 00:11:43,002
You said that you loved
the idea of a pool table.
247
00:11:43,102 --> 00:11:44,937
You thought that
the purple felt was pretty.
248
00:11:45,037 --> 00:11:47,773
Purple is fine,
if you're a pimp.
249
00:11:52,445 --> 00:11:55,081
And it seems to me that
Steph would like a room
250
00:11:55,181 --> 00:11:57,950
to entertain in
for dinner parties
and stuff like that.
251
00:11:58,050 --> 00:12:00,152
Yes! Thank you.
252
00:12:00,252 --> 00:12:01,687
No problem.
253
00:12:03,289 --> 00:12:05,925
I'm so sorry.
We shouldn't get
into all this here.
254
00:12:06,025 --> 00:12:07,893
No, no, please, continue.
255
00:12:09,628 --> 00:12:11,197
We'll talk about this
at home.
256
00:12:11,297 --> 00:12:12,965
Yeah, we'll talk
about it at home,
but when we do,
257
00:12:13,065 --> 00:12:16,669
we will make sure
that the lines
of communication
258
00:12:16,769 --> 00:12:18,537
are open,
and we will come
to a conclusion
259
00:12:18,637 --> 00:12:20,573
that satisfies
both parties,
right, honey?
260
00:12:20,673 --> 00:12:21,674
{\an5}-Right.
-Right.
261
00:12:21,774 --> 00:12:24,243
{\an5}-But no pool table.
-What?
262
00:12:24,343 --> 00:12:26,245
{\an5}-Why not?
-Because I said no.
263
00:12:26,345 --> 00:12:27,279
You can't just say no.
264
00:12:27,379 --> 00:12:29,115
Oh, I can't? Watch me.
265
00:12:29,215 --> 00:12:30,916
No.
266
00:12:31,016 --> 00:12:33,886
You're not in charge, okay?
You have no legal authority.
267
00:12:33,986 --> 00:12:36,122
Can we get some more
olives out here?
268
00:12:39,692 --> 00:12:39,725
{\an8}Ba
269
00:12:39,725 --> 00:12:39,759
{\an8}Ball
270
00:12:39,759 --> 00:12:39,792
{\an8}Ball.
271
00:12:42,495 --> 00:12:45,531
I said, "Am I going to marry
272
00:12:45,965 --> 00:12:47,099
"Michaela?"
273
00:12:47,199 --> 00:12:48,701
That's her name.
274
00:12:48,801 --> 00:12:50,936
And I shaked it,
275
00:12:51,036 --> 00:12:52,805
and it said yes.
276
00:12:52,905 --> 00:12:53,973
{\an5}-Okay.
-Bye-bye.
277
00:12:54,073 --> 00:12:54,974
{\an5}-Let's do this again.
-Yeah.
278
00:12:55,074 --> 00:12:56,542
This was fun!
279
00:12:59,445 --> 00:13:02,715
Oh, my God.
They were sniping
at each other all night.
280
00:13:02,815 --> 00:13:03,983
What do you think
their fight was about?
281
00:13:04,083 --> 00:13:06,452
Oh, I don't have to think.
I know.
282
00:13:06,552 --> 00:13:08,554
Really? You know? Tell me.
283
00:13:08,654 --> 00:13:10,723
Well, they were having
this tiff when you were
in the kitchen,
284
00:13:10,823 --> 00:13:13,125
and, you know, it was
about the pool table
that Jeff wants to get,
285
00:13:13,225 --> 00:13:14,693
and I told him
not to bring it up
286
00:13:14,794 --> 00:13:18,697
because I knew Steph would
never let him get one.
287
00:13:18,798 --> 00:13:21,500
Wait.
How do you know that Steph
would never let him get one?
288
00:13:21,600 --> 00:13:24,270
Oh, because in marriage
women stop fun from happening.
289
00:13:33,078 --> 00:13:34,513
Okay, all right.
290
00:13:34,613 --> 00:13:36,682
I want you to name one time
291
00:13:36,782 --> 00:13:40,019
in our marriage
when I stopped you
from having fun.
292
00:13:40,119 --> 00:13:41,453
All right. You know what?
293
00:13:41,554 --> 00:13:43,489
I'm going to go with
the redwood hot tub
294
00:13:43,589 --> 00:13:45,925
that I wanted to put in
just after we moved in.
295
00:13:46,025 --> 00:13:47,293
That's what
you're pulling out?
296
00:13:47,393 --> 00:13:50,029
That's what I'm
pulling out.
297
00:13:50,129 --> 00:13:53,833
I thought that I did
our neighbors a service
298
00:13:53,933 --> 00:13:55,734
by sparing them
the sight of you
299
00:13:55,835 --> 00:13:58,671
lowering your
freakishly long body
300
00:13:58,771 --> 00:14:01,640
into a big pot
of back-hair soup.
301
00:14:03,275 --> 00:14:05,911
Oh, that's nice.
That's constructive!
302
00:14:07,213 --> 00:14:08,848
It is offensive to me
303
00:14:08,948 --> 00:14:12,451
that you somehow think
that I railroaded you
into not having a hot tub.
304
00:14:12,551 --> 00:14:14,420
Well, I said I wanted it,
and you said no.
305
00:14:14,520 --> 00:14:15,921
We don't have to call it
a railroading.
306
00:14:16,021 --> 00:14:17,790
We can call it
something else
if you'd like,
307
00:14:17,890 --> 00:14:21,093
like soul-crushing,
or bitch-slapping is good.
308
00:14:22,127 --> 00:14:23,796
You never would have used it.
309
00:14:23,896 --> 00:14:26,365
Oh, yeah, yeah,
and you really use
your herb garden out there.
310
00:14:26,465 --> 00:14:29,535
Let me ask you something.
When was the last time
you put down your soup ladle,
311
00:14:29,635 --> 00:14:32,538
ran outside and picked
some fresh cumin?
312
00:14:34,039 --> 00:14:36,775
I have picked herbs.
313
00:14:39,011 --> 00:14:40,546
Do you want to know
who's not fun?
314
00:14:40,646 --> 00:14:42,548
You are not fun.
315
00:14:42,648 --> 00:14:45,651
I am a travel agent.
I get offered free trips
all the time,
316
00:14:45,751 --> 00:14:47,686
but I can't go anywhere
because my husband
317
00:14:47,786 --> 00:14:49,788
refuses to leave America!
318
00:14:49,889 --> 00:14:53,325
Oh, you know the outside world
holds no appeal for me.
319
00:14:55,127 --> 00:14:57,329
Really? Do you think
that I am not fun?
320
00:14:57,429 --> 00:14:58,530
That's right. I don't.
321
00:14:58,631 --> 00:15:01,300
Well, prepare to
experience the depths
322
00:15:01,400 --> 00:15:03,402
of how not fun I can be!
323
00:15:14,013 --> 00:15:14,847
Uh-oh.
324
00:15:17,917 --> 00:15:18,851
Hey.
325
00:15:21,420 --> 00:15:23,289
What's the matter?
326
00:15:23,389 --> 00:15:25,691
{\an5}-We caught your fight.
-What?
327
00:15:25,791 --> 00:15:27,626
You came over,
you had your fight
in my house,
328
00:15:27,726 --> 00:15:31,030
and now you gave
the fight to us.
329
00:15:31,130 --> 00:15:32,831
It happens sometimes
at dinner parties.
330
00:15:32,932 --> 00:15:34,833
Usually it's us
giving the fight
to someone else,
331
00:15:34,934 --> 00:15:38,203
but this time it came around
and bit me in the ass!
332
00:15:38,938 --> 00:15:40,272
Excuse me.
333
00:15:41,307 --> 00:15:42,708
Jeez, I'm sorry.
334
00:15:42,808 --> 00:15:43,809
Well, you should be.
335
00:15:43,909 --> 00:15:46,078
I asked you not to
bring up the pool table.
336
00:15:46,178 --> 00:15:49,448
Now everybody's screaming,
both of our wives
are mad at us,
337
00:15:49,548 --> 00:15:51,083
you still don't have
a pool table.
338
00:15:51,183 --> 00:15:54,486
Well, actually,
our fight's over,
339
00:15:54,586 --> 00:15:56,689
and we had great
make-up sex.
340
00:15:59,858 --> 00:16:01,327
Make-up sex?
341
00:16:01,427 --> 00:16:02,895
Yeah.
342
00:16:02,995 --> 00:16:04,630
And we're getting
a pool table.
343
00:16:07,800 --> 00:16:09,401
(STAMMERING)
344
00:16:09,501 --> 00:16:12,237
Oh, what's the matter,
tough guy, huh?
345
00:16:12,338 --> 00:16:15,307
Oh, Mr. Marriage Master
got nothing to say for once?
346
00:16:15,407 --> 00:16:17,876
Well, how about this?
How about this weekend
347
00:16:17,977 --> 00:16:22,014
you can just listen
to the sounds of me
making love to my wife
348
00:16:22,114 --> 00:16:24,183
on my brand-new pool table
349
00:16:24,283 --> 00:16:26,618
and then racking up,
uh-uh!
350
00:16:26,719 --> 00:16:28,654
Yeah! Well!
351
00:16:28,754 --> 00:16:30,889
All right, all right.
Stop the dancing, Woodcock,
352
00:16:30,990 --> 00:16:32,758
and just tell me
how you pulled it off.
353
00:16:32,858 --> 00:16:34,893
I didn't pull
anything off, Eddie,
you know.
354
00:16:34,994 --> 00:16:36,695
I was just looking at her
in bed, you know,
355
00:16:36,795 --> 00:16:39,031
and she was so beautiful.
356
00:16:39,131 --> 00:16:40,866
And I said to her,
"You know what?
357
00:16:40,966 --> 00:16:44,203
"I don't need a pool table.
I just need you."
358
00:16:44,303 --> 00:16:46,138
And she just melted,
359
00:16:46,238 --> 00:16:47,973
and then we made love,
360
00:16:48,073 --> 00:16:50,909
and then afterwards,
she was curled up against me
361
00:16:51,010 --> 00:16:53,145
and she said,
"You know what?
362
00:16:53,245 --> 00:16:54,913
"Let's get the pool table."
363
00:16:58,017 --> 00:16:59,585
Oh.
364
00:16:59,685 --> 00:17:01,020
And then we did it again.
365
00:17:01,120 --> 00:17:02,354
(CHUCKLES)
366
00:17:02,454 --> 00:17:03,655
Bye-bye!
367
00:17:04,656 --> 00:17:05,758
Ow!
368
00:17:06,825 --> 00:17:06,859
(J
369
00:17:06,859 --> 00:17:06,892
(JIN
370
00:17:06,892 --> 00:17:06,925
(JINGL
371
00:17:06,925 --> 00:17:06,959
(JINGLE
372
00:17:06,959 --> 00:17:06,992
(JINGLE PL
373
00:17:06,992 --> 00:17:07,026
(JINGLE PLAY
374
00:17:07,026 --> 00:17:07,059
(JINGLE PLAYIN
375
00:17:07,059 --> 00:17:07,092
(JINGLE PLAYING)
376
00:17:08,794 --> 00:17:09,995
MAN ON TV: Coming up next,
377
00:17:10,095 --> 00:17:13,265
Ellen welcomes singing phenom
Josh Groban.
378
00:17:13,365 --> 00:17:14,900
Oh, I love him.
379
00:17:16,368 --> 00:17:17,236
(DOOR OPENING)
380
00:17:23,275 --> 00:17:25,110
Hello.
381
00:17:26,612 --> 00:17:28,514
Just going out
for my run.
382
00:17:31,417 --> 00:17:32,351
What are those?
383
00:17:32,451 --> 00:17:35,654
Herb seeds
for my lady's garden.
384
00:17:37,356 --> 00:17:39,091
What is this about?
385
00:17:39,191 --> 00:17:42,461
Well, this is about
me being sorry about
our fight last night.
386
00:17:42,561 --> 00:17:44,463
{\an5}-Really?
-Absolutely.
387
00:17:45,431 --> 00:17:47,466
I don't need a hot tub.
388
00:17:47,566 --> 00:17:49,868
I just need you.
389
00:17:53,405 --> 00:17:54,640
{\an5}-What?
-Shh!
390
00:17:55,974 --> 00:17:57,943
So, what, are you jogging?
391
00:17:58,043 --> 00:17:59,144
Yeah.
392
00:17:59,244 --> 00:18:01,447
You know, I don't know
if it's the outfit or what,
393
00:18:01,547 --> 00:18:03,916
but you look trimmer already.
394
00:18:04,016 --> 00:18:07,886
You're springy,
like when a steak is
cooked just right.
395
00:18:10,489 --> 00:18:12,558
Mmm, you smell good,
396
00:18:12,658 --> 00:18:13,992
like fried chicken.
397
00:18:16,395 --> 00:18:17,696
(CLEARS THROAT)
398
00:18:19,398 --> 00:18:21,333
Hey.
399
00:18:21,433 --> 00:18:24,069
There's a truck
from a billiard company
leaving the Woodcocks'.
400
00:18:24,937 --> 00:18:26,171
Oh, is there?
401
00:18:28,073 --> 00:18:29,741
I guess he got
his pool table.
402
00:18:29,842 --> 00:18:31,410
I guess he did.
403
00:18:34,346 --> 00:18:35,547
Wait.
404
00:18:37,316 --> 00:18:40,419
Is this what Jeff did
to get his pool table?
405
00:18:40,519 --> 00:18:42,855
Can't a man love his wife
406
00:18:42,955 --> 00:18:44,957
and bring her
a variety of herbs
407
00:18:45,057 --> 00:18:48,660
without being accused
of having an agenda?
408
00:18:48,760 --> 00:18:50,562
I knew it.
I knew something was up.
409
00:18:50,662 --> 00:18:52,598
What? What?
Nothing's up!
I said I was sorry!
410
00:18:52,698 --> 00:18:54,533
Now it's time
for make-up sex.
411
00:18:54,633 --> 00:18:55,634
What are you doing?
412
00:18:55,734 --> 00:18:57,035
No, it's make-up sex.
It's what people do.
413
00:18:57,136 --> 00:18:59,905
Come on,
take your pants off!
414
00:19:00,005 --> 00:19:02,975
You cannot have make-up sex
until you have made up, idiot!
415
00:19:03,075 --> 00:19:05,010
But wait, wait!
I love you!
416
00:19:05,110 --> 00:19:07,079
Oh, okay.
If we can't have sex,
will you please at least
417
00:19:07,179 --> 00:19:09,414
look at these
hot tub brochures?
418
00:19:10,315 --> 00:19:12,351
Are you kidding? Hot tubs?
419
00:19:12,451 --> 00:19:13,819
So, what? The seeds,
they were just a...
420
00:19:13,919 --> 00:19:15,821
A lie, okay, I hate herbs!
421
00:19:15,921 --> 00:19:18,157
I hate everything
they stand for!
422
00:19:18,257 --> 00:19:21,360
What did you even
buy me here, huh?
What is this, huh?
423
00:19:21,460 --> 00:19:25,030
Look at this one.
It's a packet of Kool-Aid!
424
00:19:25,130 --> 00:19:27,733
It made it look like
there were more. Give me that!
425
00:19:27,833 --> 00:19:28,834
Unbelievable.
426
00:19:28,934 --> 00:19:30,202
Oh, yeah, unbelievable.
427
00:19:30,302 --> 00:19:32,371
Why? 'Cause it's a fun drink.
428
00:19:32,471 --> 00:19:33,906
That's right. Kool-Aid is fun,
429
00:19:34,006 --> 00:19:36,141
and that scares
the hell out of you!
430
00:19:36,241 --> 00:19:39,111
Well, you know what?
They're not scared
of that next door,
431
00:19:39,211 --> 00:19:42,080
where I'll be going
to play billiards!
432
00:19:42,181 --> 00:19:43,382
Good day!
433
00:19:44,249 --> 00:19:45,884
Unbelievable!
434
00:19:58,030 --> 00:19:59,898
Let's play some pool!
Where's the table?
435
00:19:59,998 --> 00:20:01,133
Over there.
436
00:20:03,235 --> 00:20:04,836
Room's a little small,
isn't it, Woodcock?
437
00:20:04,937 --> 00:20:06,638
Hey! Shh!
438
00:20:06,738 --> 00:20:09,274
I love the table, honey.
This is great.
439
00:20:16,682 --> 00:20:19,484
Okay. All right.
This is sweet, huh?
440
00:20:19,585 --> 00:20:20,786
(LAUGHS)
441
00:20:20,886 --> 00:20:24,122
This is life.
This is living.
442
00:20:24,223 --> 00:20:25,724
And the fun starts now.
443
00:20:25,824 --> 00:20:27,526
(SCREAMING)
444
00:20:27,626 --> 00:20:30,162
My eye! Oh, my eye!
445
00:20:31,563 --> 00:20:33,365
I love this table, honey.
446
00:20:33,465 --> 00:20:35,033
(MUFFLED GROANING)
447
00:20:35,801 --> 00:20:37,202
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
448
00:20:40,405 --> 00:20:41,940
I've been hurt.
449
00:20:45,110 --> 00:20:46,845
(JINGLE PLAYING)
450
00:20:51,917 --> 00:20:54,019
I'm sorry
I acted like an idiot.
451
00:20:54,119 --> 00:20:55,921
I really am.
It's just those Woodcocks.
452
00:20:56,021 --> 00:21:00,325
They got me crazy
with their communication
and their make-up sex.
453
00:21:00,425 --> 00:21:02,828
I liked it better
when we lived next to
that weird old couple
454
00:21:02,928 --> 00:21:04,796
who used to slip down
their driveway all winter.
455
00:21:04,896 --> 00:21:06,465
(LAUGHING)
456
00:21:06,565 --> 00:21:10,035
It was like our own personal
Ice Capades right outside.
457
00:21:11,903 --> 00:21:15,040
Yeah, the Woodcocks
got me crazy, too.
458
00:21:15,140 --> 00:21:17,442
We just have to accept
who we are.
459
00:21:17,542 --> 00:21:19,645
Yeah.
What do you always say?
460
00:21:19,745 --> 00:21:22,881
"Marriage is for having
someone to drive you
to the hospital."
461
00:21:22,981 --> 00:21:24,249
That's true.
462
00:21:24,349 --> 00:21:25,584
Thanks for the lift.
463
00:21:26,785 --> 00:21:28,420
It's what I'm here for.
464
00:21:30,589 --> 00:21:32,057
I love you, you know.
465
00:21:33,525 --> 00:21:35,160
I love you, too.
466
00:21:37,262 --> 00:21:38,563
Hey, you know,
maybe when we get home
467
00:21:38,664 --> 00:21:40,799
we could just try
the make-up sex.
468
00:21:40,899 --> 00:21:42,301
You know,
see what it's all about.
469
00:21:42,401 --> 00:21:44,269
Yeah?
470
00:21:44,369 --> 00:21:45,937
We could.
Yeah.
471
00:21:51,410 --> 00:21:52,744
{\an5}-We'll see.
-Yeah.
472
00:21:54,646 --> 00:21:56,081
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
473
00:21:58,216 --> 00:21:59,718
{\an8}Hello.
474
00:21:59,818 --> 00:22:01,753
{\an8}Hey, how's the eye?
475
00:22:01,853 --> 00:22:03,255
{\an8}Good. Thanks.
476
00:22:03,355 --> 00:22:05,991
{\an8}Good, good. Look.
477
00:22:06,091 --> 00:22:08,160
{\an8}I got to get rid
of this pool table.
478
00:22:08,260 --> 00:22:10,829
{\an8}Can I just admit to Steph that
the room is way too small?
479
00:22:10,929 --> 00:22:13,231
{\an8}Are you crazy,
Woodcock? No.
480
00:22:13,332 --> 00:22:14,633
{\an8}Remember, I teach history.
481
00:22:14,733 --> 00:22:18,403
{\an8}When you conquer a land,
you don't turn around
and give it back.
482
00:22:18,503 --> 00:22:20,505
{\an8}Now, you're going
to keep that thing
until she's pregnant,
483
00:22:20,605 --> 00:22:23,542
{\an8}and then you've got
an elegant out
with the playroom.
484
00:22:24,609 --> 00:22:28,146
{\an8}♪ Hey, hey, hey! ♪
485
00:22:30,048 --> 00:22:31,817
Well, you kiss,
486
00:22:32,818 --> 00:22:34,252
and I don't want to do that.
37519
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