All language subtitles for What Happened Was... 1994

...expected of my single life.

Am I... i... i... i... i...
is there a place for me,

being that I'm single?

How can my singleness be
a blessing to the Lord?

-This recording
was discovered by Michigan State.

Police in the dead woman's hand.

She apparently was still
attached to the suicide machine.

A spokesman for the State's
Attorney General said she may

become the test case for a
new so-called "Kevorkian Law"

forbidding
doctor-assisted suicide.

Reporting from East Lansing,
Brook Manning, CBS News.

-Run!

Don't walk!

To your local Aero dealer.

Our new Wildcat 4x4 is on sale!

With rebate under $12,000!

Now, get wild!

Come on!

Get down here!

We've got all kinds of cars...

-Chuck, everyone's trying to
get out of town for the weekend.

The GW Bridge has 20-to
30-minute delays to lower Manhattan.

Crossings aren't much better.

If you're trying
to make a plane out of Kennedy,

"the Van Wyck has a
jack-knifed tanker truck..."

-Hi, it's Jackie.

Leave your message
and I'll call you back.

Thanks, ciao.

-Johnny!

Help me!

Help me!

-I'd rather be dead.

-Who is it?

Hello, who is it?

-Michael.

-Oh.

You're early.

-I guess.

-Have y... have you
been waiting out there long?

-Oh no, just a few seconds.

I heard music and...
-Yeah, no, I was just listening...

I... I didn't know I couldn't hear the bell so...
-Oh.

I know what that's like.

-Yeah.

Yeah, y... come in.

-Yeah.

That light's...
kinda Twilight Zone-y.

-Sorry.

They won't fix it.

-Oh, no harm, no foul.

This is nice.

- Thanks.
- It's really nice.

-Can I take your coat?

-No, I'm okay.

-Okay.

-Oh, I... got this for you.

-Oh!

- Wine?
- Yeah.

I don't know what you like, but...
-No, this looks great!

Let's have some.

-Oh, you don't have to open it.

-What, you don't drink?

-No, you can save
it for another time.

You don't have to open it just because,
you know, I brought it.

No, let's... let's have some.

This is a real view.

-Yeah, it's probably why I stayed here,
you know?

I need to see the
city and the people.

-How long have you lived here?

Oh my God,
could it be... I think five years?

Oh.

-Here you go.

-I didn't know if
you'd be here or not.

-What do you mean?

-Well, I saw you in Grayson's office,
you know, at five and...

you know, I didn't know
how you'd get here so early.

-Well, you know, I just... I just
left a few minutes early, so... Good.

-Have you got
dinner going already?

-Yeah.

Nothing too fancy.

I hope you like seafood.

What?

-No, it's... it's
just the word "seafood."

It gives me the creeps.

-I guess.

-Well, I don't know if it's a
genetic thing or you had a... a

traumatic experience
when you first hear a word,

you know, but some
words embarrass you.

You know... you know,
like "ritzy" or, you know, "spigot."

You know, most French words.

You know?

- But the scallops...
- Yeah, I love them.

-Oh, good.

-Hate the word.

-What?

-Just kidding.

-Oh.

Jeez.

You know, these things scare me.

-Oh, well, they're pretty safe.

Well, do you know how they work?

Yeah, it's the, you know,
it's the... microwaves!

Yeah, it's the waves.

You know, they go in,
they heat the food up.

It's... it's the waves.

-No, the... No, not exactly.

See, microwaves are powerful
low-frequency electromagnetic waves.

-When they strike an organic
substance and make the molecules

vibrate, vibration's heat.

That's how they work.

That's pretty cool.

-You like science?

Y... yeah, sure.

I guess.

Yeah, especially those,
animal science kinds of things.

You know,
the... the nature specials.

The nature specials are great.

You know when the animals, they
do all those kinds of things?

You know, birds...
-Are really dinosaurs.

-Birds.

-Birds.

You know, the... No, no,
when the... when the big dinosaurs went

extinct, the
little ones survived.

And... and, see birds and...
and dinosaurs both have hollow

bones and the feathers are
really just an evolvement of scales.

I always thought that
was really amazing.

That's pretty cool.

Where'd... where'd you
learn all this stuff?

-Oh, I... I... I read a lot and...
you know, just remember stuff.

-Yeah.

I love reading.

And books.

-Like, I remember all the
telephone numbers of all my

friends from grammar school.

Yeah.

Really?

Oh, yeah, like... my friend,
Mickey Hobart.

-His telephone
number was 869-3740.

-Are you sure?

-What do you mean?

Well, I thought it was,
I thought it was 3704.

-How do you... I don't know how you...
-I'm just joking.

-Oh, yeah.

That's funny.

See, I remember telephones
numbers by memorizing the,

f... the form or the
pattern for the number,

like with Mickey's, it's 3740.

Three from seven is four so 37...
- Yeah, but... - What?

-Well, I mean, if... if you're
going to go to all the trouble,

like, to remember the
equation, you know?

And all the ways,
this equals that,

wouldn't it just
be easier to, like,

remember the number or write
the number down or something?

-Oh, no.

Now, see, the brain, by
subdividing the task,

it increases the retention.

-Oh.

Right.

I get it.

-Well, you sure?

'Cause if you've got a
pencil or paper I can...

-No, no, no, I get it, thanks.

Brain... brain's amazing.

What's in there?

-Oh, that's my dressing room.

What?

What?

-Well, where do you sleep?

-Oh, this!

You know, it's... it folds out.

It's a...

You know, you can s... you
can see into all those apartments.

-Yeah.

-Oh, yeah.

It's wild, isn't it?

It's so strange.

Sometimes, I'll be at
a subway, you know?

And I'll look out the window at
the crowded sidewalks or... no,

I'll... I'll be on a bus looking
out the window at the crowded

sidewalks, and it's like... it's
hard for me to believe sometimes

that I have, you know, a life.

You know?

It's like I'm going
through all this stuff and it's

like, we're not all just,
like, extras, you know?

-You mean like in a movie?

-Yeah, it's like... I don't know,
we're not really here.

We don't really have lives.

-I w... I would've thought that
you would feel real and everybody

else was an extra.

No, no, not really.

It's not the same thing.

-Hey... - What?
- What?

Oh, sorry.

No, it's just all
those apartments.

You know,
it's... it's so, -Yeah.

-Yeah.

- Are you all right?
- I'm fine.

I don't know, it's just... it's just
weird having you here, that's all.

-What do you mean?

- Well, I mean, you know, we've...
- we've always... we've always been

in the office, right?

You know, all the time in the office...
-In... in the office, yeah.

-Yeah, and... and so now,
here you are and...

I mean, you know,
we talk and we laugh every day... Ha-ha!

You're so funny.

You know how you know
someone one way for,

like, months and months,
and then this, it's just wild, you know?

-Yeah.

It's very pleasant here.

D... do you want some more wine,
or...?

-I didn't know if you drank.

Sure, I'll - I'll have a little.

-I don't drink
that much, you know?

Just sometimes at night,
sometimes on the weekends.

So... what's your place like?

- Oh, my apartment?
- Yeah.

It's just an apartment.

It's... it's a
one-bedroom on the East Side.

Oh, on the East Side?

I like the East Side.

You know, I used to
live on the East Side.

But, it started
getting on my nerves.

- Oh, yeah, mine...
- mine didn't have a view.

I couldn't live
without a view, you know?

I mean, I need to see
the city and the people.

-To the extras.

-Oh.

To the extras, right.

Oh...
-What?

-I love being in
on those meetings.

-What meetings?

-You know, the... like,

with Sanders today, when you
were giving him a hard time.

-I wasn't giving
him a hard time.

-What are you talking about?

I mean, you do it to
him all the time...

-Oh, well... you know, paralegals
aren't supposed to have

opinions, you know, according to Sanders, but...
-Yeah, well...

at least you get to
open up your mouth,

which is more than us executive assistants,
right?

-Oh, is that what they
call the secretaries now?

That's good.

-Yeah, that's what it
says on my paycheck.

I guess this is a lull.

-Yeah.

It's funny.

You know, I always know
what to say in the office.

-Yeah, the office.

So... so, where'd you grow up?

-Long Island.

Oh, really?

That's interesting.

-Oh, excuse me.

I hope this comes out okay.

-Oh, right.

Scallops.

-See, I made this on the weekend and,
I, froze it.

See, I make all my
meals on the weekends and I

microwave them during the week.

It's... it's very strange.

It's like on a Saturday or
Sunday when I'm cooking,

it's like I'm making four
or five meals all at once.

Yeah, it's... it's ready.

Are you still hungry?

-Oh, sure.

-Yeah?

Or, I don't know,
maybe we should wait.

-Oh, no, let's eat.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

-Okay.

-D... do you want your glass?

Yeah, please.

Yeah, it's so strange to
be making all this stuff.

It's like when I'm
done, the week is over.

I can't really explain it.

Oh, I hope this comes out okay.

See, what I do is
I make all my meals on the

weekends and, I
microwave them during the week.

It's very strange.

So strange to be
making all this stuff.

It's like when I'm
done, the week is over.

Here.

I can't really explain it.

So... do you have
brothers and sisters?

-What makes you ask that?

-Well, I don't know.

We were talking about where you grew up and...
-Oh, right, Long Island.

Yeah,
I have... seven brothers and sisters.

Yeah, five brothers
and, two sisters.

-Big family.

-Yeah, big family.

Never a dull
moment, all that shit.

This is really good.

-Thanks!

You know, sometimes, the
freezing and the reheating of

food makes things better.

Scallops are like that.

That's why I chose this one.

-Oh, it's like a cryonic dinner.

-That was a joke, wasn't it?

-It's taking a while,
but I think I'm starting to get ya.

Oh.

-Oh, thanks.

You know, they... they say all
kinds of things about you, right?

-Who?

-The partners.

-Really?

Like what?

-Well... they say that you have
this weird smirk on your face.

Like you're making fun of them.

-Really?

- They call you "Mr.
- Strange."

-That's fascinating.

-I mean, just some of them.

I just tell them
that you're insecure.

-What do you mean?

-Well, you know... I thought that,
somebody should say something 'cause,

you know, they see us
talking all the time.

-Oh, so you're
trying to help me?

-Oh, I don't know.

I think it's kind of
sweet how you're insecure.

-Well, I don't... I don't
see myself as insecure and,

you know, you really don't
have to go around apologizing to

those jerks for, you know,
something I haven't even done.

-Yeah, but, I mean... I mean, you do,
like, smile and laugh a lot when,

you know, people say things
at the... wrong moment or...

I don't know,
maybe not at the wrong moment, but, like...

when no one else
is laughing, right?

-You're right.

It's called "a sense of humor."

I find life amusing.

Especially life... if you can
call it that at at Cantfield,

Keller, and Jacobson.

-You can say that again.

- See, I was...
- You are, aren't you?

-What?

-Well, you know, I just
said "You can say that again."

And so I thought maybe as a joke,
you know, you might say it again,

right?

Oh, no, I wasn't.

- No?
- No.

-You're so funny.

Oh.

But that was really
funny with Sanders today.

-Oh, it's... it's not hard.

He's such a slow-moving target.

-I mean, you should've
seen his face when he opened up

that envelope from the opposing
attorney thinking it was his own brief.

-Really?

-I wanna know,
how did you get the nerve...

to send the opposing attorney all
of Sanders' evidence in the case.

I mean, couldn't they, like,
have arrested you or something?

-See, what I don't get is th... is
they sent it back without even

opening it.

-I mean, they don't care about
what's right and wrong in these cases.

It's... its completely rigged.

It's like a... it's
like junior high school.

It's like a big club.

-They're gonna fire you eventually,
you know.

-It's they feel guilty about me.

It's they know I'm right.

And to fire me would
only prove their own guilt.

It's just...
-I wouldn't be too sure of that.

-You know, I save
their asses daily.

For what they pay me,
they're not gonna fire me.

-You know... when
I first got to the firm,

I thought that you were one
of... one of the partners.

-Really?

And, you know, the way
that you walked around...

talking to everybody, I thought
you were one of the lawyers.

-This is a joke, right?

You... you're kidding.

I mean, in a good way, you know?

You seemed... important.

And, of course, the way that you
dress differently from the other

paralegals.

-Oh... it's just an old suit.

-Yeah, well, none of the
other paralegals wear suits.

-Well, you don't think I wear a
suit so that people will think

I'm a lawyer, do you?

I don't know, I never
really thought about it.

-Oh, good.

'Cause it would kill me if I thought
I was anything like those guys.

I... I mean... May... maybe I
should wear those, you know,

those button-down
shirts, you know,

with the... with the
khaki pants, you know,

and the desert
boots and all that.

Christ.

No, no, you're not like them.

-Were you disappointed I was
just a measly paralegal or...?

-No, I don't care about that.

I'm just saying... I'm just
saying that it was funny seeing

you after that, you know?

That's all.

-You shouldn't encourage me,
you know.

-Why not?

What are you gonna do?

So... I'm an
executive assistant.

-Right, as we established.

-But I made it to
Manhattan, you know.

Manhattan's great.

You know that I've lived in this
apartment building for over five

years and I've never had a
conversation with anybody?

-Really?

-I mean, some of them I
don't even say hello to.

-Where'd you grow up?

-Oh, just outside the
city in Westchester.

That must have been great,
-Yeah, it was okay.

-Yeah, I always wanted
to live in Manhattan.

I don't know why.

I can't explain it
really but, you know...

You know when there's just
something you gotta do, you know?

It's like... something
you just... gotta do?

You know what I mean?

When I was 13, I was
listening to the Beatles' song,

you know, "She Loves You."

And... I don't know, it's... it's crazy,
I shouldn't... Never mind.

-Oh, come on, tell me.

-Well, during the song,
I kept hearing my name over and over again.

You know, "Michael, Michael..."

What are you doing?

-Oh, I... No, I was just trying to
fit "Michael" in... with the words,

like you said.

-Oh, no, no, it was... it
was... subliminal.

It was... the... it
was part of the song.

I... I don't... I don't know,
I can't explain it now.

-That's cool.

-So why are you looking
at me like I'm crazy?

-I'm not looking at
you like you're crazy.

I think that's sweet.

-Petite.

-What's that?

-No, it's just... I don't know,
I just never told anybody about

that, so...
-Yeah, no, I know, I understand.

'Cause, you know, I had something
like that happen to me once.

-Oh, really?

With the Beatles?

-No.

Not with the Beatles.

I mean, it wasn't so dramatic but,
yeah, it was something like that.

-'Cause when I was a kid,
I... I loved 'The Iliad.'

See, I wanted to have
a... a... a heroic life,

you know, a life of action.

-Is that a good book?

I never read it.

-It's the best.

We used to have
these big fights with,

you know, like, garbage can
covers and these wooden swords

and I used to... I used to
beat everybody, it's just...

That's the international
sign for wooden swordplay.

-Oh.

-But I had a very
high tolerance to pain.

-Cool.

-Well, so where do
you go to college?

This technical
school in the Bronx.

It was free 'cause
I was a resident.

-Oh, I thought
you're from Long Island.

-Yeah, I was born on Long Island but,
you know, I moved around a lot.

-Where'd you go to school?

-Harvard.

-You mean the Harvard?

-Yeah, it's no big deal.

-You know, I always wanted
to go to a real college.

Like, an Ivy League
school or something like that.

But, my parents,
they... they didn't want me to.

See, they wanted me
to work for my uncle.

And I said that
I'd never do that.

You know, I'd rather
kill myself first.

But Harvard?

-I hated it.

It was stupid.

-You shouldn't
say that, you know.

People would kill to go there.

-People do kill to go there.

Excuse me.

It was totally...

I mean, it's taken me years to
overcome the effects of that place.

It was totally... you know,
racist and sexist and corrupt and...

-Well, I'm impressed.

-Yeah, don't be.

I watch you at work, you know?

-You do, do you?

-You're doing
something, aren't you?

-What do you mean?

-Well, you keep
writing things down.

-Writing things down?

-Yeah, you did it just before.

It's in your jacket pocket.

-Oh!

That.

I'm... just taking a note.

-I knew it.

You know, I was
saying to myself...

"He's doing something,
he's... he's... writing something.

He's writing something
like, like maybe a book?"

-Oh, no, no,
it's just... It's notes.

Did somebody say
something about a book?

-No.

But that's what
you're doing, right?

I don't really, wanna talk about it 'cause,
-Come on, you can tell me.

-Well, I... I don't really
like to talk about it, 'cause...

-I'm not gonna tell
anyone, trust me.

Well, you'd have to promise that...
-I promise.

-Well, I'm writing a... Well,
it's... it's gonna be a book.

That is cool.

-Yeah, I'm... I'm
writing a book about lawyers.

-Really?

What's it about?

- Well, it's...
- it's gonna be called.

'The Business of Justice.'

See, a lot of people handling
me wanted me to call it,

'Justice for Sale, '
but that's too commercial.

It's the wrong audience.

This is not an axe-grinding kind of book,
it's...

See, it's about, how
money drives the system,

how right and wrong and good and
bad have become relative terms

in relation to the
economic weight they carry.

See, I'm writing
about all those,

you know, lonely,
damaged, crippled people.

You know... you know, the people
that make this country what it is.

I mean, the things I've
seen working at that firm...

-They're gonna be
pissed off at you.

-Good.

-What, you're not afraid of
what they could do to you?

-What are they gonna do to me?

I mean, I don't have anything.

See, I'm the kind of
person that thinks...

"Why do you have to be in
a museum and... and look at

paintings if you can
paint your own painting?"

You know, do
things for yourself.

I mean, do you have somebody come
in and sleep with your wife for you?

Do you have... do you pay
somebody to eat your food for you?

I mean, do things yourself,
that's what life's about.

I... I... There's so many
people doing things they hate.

I mean, you have people running
the country who... all they care

about is keeping their jobs
but not doing their jobs.

I mean, there's so little real
love in any of the work that I see.

I've been...

I've been in many
"in camera" sessions.

In... in camera.

Do you know what that means?

-Y... no, I... no.

- It means...
- "in camera" is Latin.

It means "in the room."

In camera, in the room.

It means anything said in
the room has to stay there.

But if you don't understand something,
just, just ask me.

-Oh, yeah, I know, I know.

But they, you know, they...
they get upset with me whenever

I do, so I...
-Oh, you can't let them do that do you.

You have to get over that.

-Yeah, I know, you're right.

-I carry this old tape recorder.

No, no, no.

The things I've recorded,
I'm gonna blow them out of the water.

-That is... I can't believe that,
you know?

I mean, it's like I've
worked for... in offices,

you know, for years, but I've
never even bothered myself to

get involved.

-I don't know, I... I guess I just,
you know, feel responsible.

-Yeah, no, I know.

I guess it's... it's
different for you.

-What?

I mean, do you feel intimidated or...
-No.

I guess it must be
like... a background thing.

You know, like
where you grew up.

Something like that.

-You mean
like the Harvard thing.

Oh, no, I was just... kidding.

It was a joke.

So... you... you must have read a lot of,
you know, law... law books.

- What? - Law books, you must...
-Oh, law books!

I we... I went to law school.

-Oh, you went to law school,
-Yeah, but I... but I didn't finish.

Well, what happened?

I mean, if you
don't mind me asking.

-Oh!

No, I had enough credits.

I mean, almost enough... to graduate and...
-Well, you just left?

-It was an act of
personal protest.

You know, against the system.

I couldn't take it anymore.

I had to take a stand and...
-You're amazing.

So... you want some desert?

Oh, no, I'm pretty full.

You want some coffee?

Oh, you know...
-You want something to drink?

I mean, you know, I've got,
I've got some hard stuff.

-Oh, like drugs.

Oh, but that
was... that was really good.

- That was...
- Thanks.

You know, I just... threw it
together over the weekend.

So... so, you... you're
writing a book about the firm?

Oh, well, no,
it's not really about them, it's...

-You've been
working on it a long time?

Yeah, almost 15 years.

-You've been
at the firm that long?

-Oh, no, no, no.

Only 13.

-Oh.

Oh, 13 years?

Oh, my God!

That's like a
kid's whole lifetime.

I mean, you know,
like if a kid... You know, if the kid...

So, you must've,
written a lot of it already.

Oh, yeah, I'm almost done.

That's so exciting.

-Yeah, well, it's... I'm
just doing what I have to do.

-Well, maybe I could help you.

-Oh, I don't know.

-What, are you afraid I'm gonna
screw it up for you or something?

-Oh, no, no, nothing like that.

It's just... Well, I'm probably
gonna... end up losing my job and I... I

couldn't expect you to
lose yours 'cause...

I mean, I'll end up
with a book, you know?

-Yeah.

Right.

I guess.

-You know the Sanders case?

-You know, the one I
was telling you about?

Well, it's about this young kid.

And there's guy who's obviously
abusing the kid and he's using

the firm to get custody.

It's completely
disgusting and...

the lawyers at the firm know
what they're doing is wrong and

they keep doing it.

I mean, they
couldn't need the money.

I mean, how much
money could they need?

And they know this is
never going to end and...

So, I... I'm
recording the whole thing.

And... I'm gonna write about,
you know, those lonely,

damaged, you know,
crippled people and...

And, you know, even if I
only help a little bit,

I'll feel like
I've done some good.

-God, it even sounds
like a book when you talk.

-Well, I... I shouldn't,
you know... I... I'm talking about

too much, but...
-No, no!

I mean... it's great to hear you
talk about something you're excited

about, you know?

-Well, I think it's important
to have a sense of history.

Like, you see, like, when I
think about where I am...

-I mean, I feel okay.

I mean, 'cause... like... like,
think back on the 19th Century.

You know, these doctors and
lawyers and... politicians and,

you know, people getting
rich and seeming famous,

and I bet, like, if you
asked people back then who'd be

remembered, they'd come up
with a list of people that...

you know, you... you know,
you've never heard of, and...

You know, a huge percentage of
the people we honor today were

completely obscure back then,
like, Van Gogh and...

and Emily Dickinson
and... and Schubert.

You know, and... and it just...
it makes me laugh when

I think about those self-important people,
you know?

Like the partners
at the firm who...

you know, they'll... they'll be
dead soon and no one's gonna

mention their name again
ever, even in contempt.

It's j...
-Well, what about their families?

-Well, that
doesn't mean anything.

I mean... I mean,
who else are they gonna talk about?

It's just... that's happenstance.

-No, no, I... See, I don't think
that people feel that way about their

families.

-Well, I... well, I... I don't know,
would you wanna be...

part of Keller's family?

Imagine him being, like, your
father or your brother or...

-Your husband?

-No, I... couldn't imagine that.

But, no, I mean, I bet if he
gave people in his family,

you know, like, the choice, I mean,
they'd dump him in a second.

I'm talking too much about this.

-Yeah.

- What do you mean?
- No, I'm only joking.

I mean, it's really... it's
really good to hear you talk

about something
you're excited about.

-Yeah, I... I guess
'cause I... you know,

I never talk about it, when I get going,
it's, like, hard to stop.

-Yeah, well, I don't know.

Guys do that when
they're scared.

-Oh, no, I'm not scared, it's...

I don't know, I just feel
like I have something to say.

I mean, not, like... you
know, like... not like the other

lawyers at the firm.

-Well, do you see me
inviting them home for dinner?

-Oh, n... I didn't mean it like
th... I was... didn't mean it...

-Trust me, I don't.

-No, s... I mean, I
can't believe the kind of

relationships that people have.

-You know, it's... it's amazing,
the things that people settle for.

You know, if someone is... like,
if you're walking along the

street and, like,
you see a couple,

and... and it's, like, hard to
imagine them sleeping together?

-Right, like your parents.

-My parents?

-No.

Not your parents.

-Well, what do you mean?

-Forget it.

-Well, you don't
have to apologize.

-All right, well, like,
when I was younger, you know?

And I was growing up and I was
learning about the facts of life

and all that, it was
always hard for me,

you know, to believe that my
parents actually... did it.

You know,
it kinda... kinda creeped me out.

-Oh.

So you think I'm
projecting my parental incest

fantasies onto the
authority figures at work.

-You're joking
with me, aren't you?

-Who, me?

-Oh!

That is so cool.

-So, do you... do you
want something else?

-No, I'm okay.

-Yeah?

What, did I say something?

-Oh, no, I just never tell
anybody about what I'm doing.

You know, the... the book.

-What book?

-Right.

-I just... you know,
it makes me nervous.

-I don't know what
you're talkin' about.

-Well, a... anyway...
-Yeah, I do a little writing too.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Well, it's just since
I've come to Manhattan.

-Like, plays or novels or... No,
no, just, stories.

That's really interesting.

-Yeah, I don't
tell people either.

Like you.

Well, maybe not like you, 'cause
it's not like I have anything to

say like you and...

I don't know, I don't wanna
seem like a snob or anything,

but I don't know.

But... I'm actually embarrassed by,
by writing stories.

-Why?

-All right, I'll tell you.

You see, I write
children's stories.

-You know, kids' stories.

-Yeah.

-Bedtime kinds of things...
-Right, right.

-And I just... I just feel kinda

- stupid, that's all.
- Oh, you shouldn't.

You know, a lot... a
lot of great writers...

they... they write,
children's stories,

like, Stevenson and Tolkien and Swift and...
-Oh, yeah.

I never really thought of that.

-Well, maybe you can
show them to me sometime.

You know that, I was
attracted to you because I

thought you were a writer?

I mean, I never meet writers.

Right?

I went to some of those
poetry things I read about,

a couple of
years ago in The Voice.

But I didn't know what
anybody was talking about.

It was crazy.

And then this guy hit on me
and I felt... I felt so stupid,

I had to leave.

Oh, and then I bought that,
that magazine, The New Yorker.

Do you know that magazine?

- Yeah.
- Yeah?

Yeah.

Well, I... I mean, I
never opened it up.

You know, I felt...

I was so afraid that... that
somebody would find it on my

coffee table, so.

But I like lyrics.

I don't get some of it sometimes,
but I think it's cool.

Do you like lyrics?

- Sometimes.
- Yeah?

So... I go to work every day,
you know?

And on the weekends,
I write these little stories, -you know?

-And I'm really lonely and I
miss my family and everything

and, well, I call them and... they
never know what to say to me.

They feel like I'm not the same person,
you know?

Well, you know families.

I mean, I really enjoyed growing
up with my brothers and sisters

and everything, you know?

It was one of those big family
kinds of things and everything.

And... Oh, God.

I'm really going on, aren't I?

-Oh, no, no.

-Are you dying over there?

-No, no, I'm fine.

- Really?
- Really.

-But I like music.

To me, that's where some
of the best writing is.

Like I said before, you know?

In the lyrics?

Sometimes, I go into used record
stores just to sit and read the

words to the music.

-Oh, you mean,
like the... like librettos.

-Yeah.

The librettos.

But I like Air Supply.

Do you know that
group from Australia?

No?

And Deep Purple.

Yeah.

Well, with Deep
Purple, it's not so much,

it's not so much
the words, you know.

It's more... it's more
of a musical thing.

I used to go to all their
concerts when I was younger,

you know, and I'd go crazy.

Well, that's when
I was living in,

in Queens before
I moved to Manhattan.

I was still waistressing
and... I mean waitressing.

And, you know, all the
people I used to hang out with,

it was like,
they didn't go so much for,

like, the words or...
or the music or...

I mean, it was more like the drugs,
you know?

The fooling around on the
beach after the concert.

God, I wonder where
all those people went.

You know?

There were zillions of them.

There were zillions of...

waitresses, secretaries that I
used to hang out with, you know?

And we used to do all
that kind of stuff.

Yeah, but I'd love to hear
one of your stories sometime.

-Well, I mean, I
could read you one.

-Oh, you mean now?

-No, not now.

I don't know,
maybe some other time, right?

Why... why don't you?

-You're just saying that.

-Oh, no, no, I'd r... I'd
really like to hear one.

-You mean it?

-You gotta
stop being so insecure.

I'd really like to hear it.

-Really?

-Really.

-Well...

Okay.

I could tell by your face
you don't wanna hear this.

-Oh, no, no.

I... I wanna hear it.

- Are you sure?
- Yeah, yeah.

-Okay.

'What Happened Was... '

-Oh, what's... what's the title?

-That is the title.

-'What
Happened Was' is the title?

That's good, I like that.

-What's so funny?

-No, no, no!

It's... it's great, it's... really,
it's... go on, yeah.

-You know, maybe
this isn't a good idea.

-Oh, no, come on,
don't be stupid!

-I didn't think I
was being stupid.

-Well, I didn't... I
didn't mean it like that.

I m... no,
I'd really... I'd love to hear it, please.

Come on.

- You sure?
- Yeah.

-Okay.

'What Happened Was' by Jac... you know,
Jackie Marsh.

-Yeah, go on.

"The Buick Regal screeched out
of the Bangagon Tavern parking lot.

Felix was drunk again.

In his lap bobbed the head of
one of the topless dancers from

"the club."

"Up and down.

They were going about 90 when... ".

Excuse me.

"The Buick Regal hit the
endless curve and lost control."

Sparks lit the black nowhere countryside,
revealing a house.

The car flipped as it
reamed through the front yard.

The head came... flying out of
the car as it exploded in a

woosh of fire.

A fat woman tumbled out of the
burning house, her nightgown in flames.

Her skinny husband crawled
after down the front steps,

looking for his glasses.

Minnie and Wallace Meanie.

The topless dancer was
being bodybagged when,

from behind the house,
came the sound of crying.

And even though he
couldn't see a thing,

Wallace said, 'Geez,
is that a baby?'

'Yeah, isn't it yours?'
asked the fireman.

'No, me and Minnie...'
trailed off Wallace.

Minnie and Wallace were
childless in their middle age,

and at the
insistence of Wallace,

they adopted the baby girl
and called her 'Mini Minnie.'

The real trouble started when
Little Minnie got to be a teenager.

Big Minnie got too fat
to go out of the house,

so Wallace got a job selling
baseball uniforms to little

league teams across the country.

Big Minnie sat in bed and yelled
for her food and made Little.

Minnie go to the mall
to rent videos for her.

Little Minnie was walking home
from the mall late one night

when a voice came
from the ball rushes.

'Minnie... Mini Minnie... I know
where you came from, Mini Minnie.'

Minnie was always tortured by
not knowing where she came from.

So, she crept into the weeds.

'You know where I came
from?' asked Minnie.

Just then, a dark figure grabbed
Minnie and pulled her to the ground.

'If you want me to tell you, you
must let me do whatever I want

to you, ' hissed the voice.

'No, please, can't
you just tell me?'

'No, I need the inspiration.

I really need it, bad.'

So Minnie gave in.

He did whatever
he wanted to her.

Awful, unspeakable things.

But worse was
what he said to her.

'Your mother, she
would lay before any man,

at any time, and was
always having babies.

But she hated the children,
and she needed to hide her

pregnancies from
her foolish husband.

She hid them by
getting really fat.

And when the babies were born,
she didn't know what to do with

the babies.

But being hungry all the
time, she ate them.'

'Oh, no.

No, ' screamed Little Minnie.

'Yes.

Yes, that's what she did.

Until one night, when she
was having her last baby,

there was a car crash that
stopped her from eating her baby.

It crawled away
during the confusion.'

'You mean... Minnie
is my real mother?'

'Yes, ' hissed the voice as he
violated her over and over again.

'No, she can't
be, ' screamed Minnie.

The dark figure ran off, leaving
Minnie lying in the swamp.

She got up and went out to
the road and hitchhiked away.

She worked her way North
as a topless go-go dancer.

She was always athletic.

After many nights, Minnie
finally c... found the site of

the old Meanie house.

She dug through
the burnt timbers,

and in the basement, beneath
a charred chrome Buick Regal

insignia, she found a
pile of baby bones.

She began, at that moment,
her quest to bring Big Minnie to justice.

She worked her way
back to Florida,

dancing at the same
clubs along the way.

But she started
having an awful dream.

It was so awful that it even
began to hurt her dancing.

She would wiggle so fiercely,
it scared the men in the clubs.

The owners would warn
her, but she would reply,

'I can't
control my dreams.'

When she got back home, Little
Minnie burst in the front door.

Big Minnie screamed,
'Where have you been?

You never came back with
my videos or my food.'

Little Minnie rushed at
the huge woman in a fury.

Little Minnie grabbed Big
Minnie's face and screamed,

'I have something
for you to eat, Mother.'

Little Minnie pinned
Big Minnie down and shoved all

the baby bones down her throat.

Big Minnie died.

Choked on the
bones of her children.

Little Minnie ran away to Miami,
where she worked in clubs for months.

Every night, she would wake up
screaming and crying from her dream.

At the end of the summer, Little
Minnie came to see Wallace.

When he heard her he... coming,
he jumped up and they hugged

each other, crying.

Wallace begged her to stay.

So, life went on for a while with
Little Minnie living with Wallace.

She worked at Bob's
Big Boy Hamburger Joint.

They went duckpin
bowling, like in the old days.

But she kept having her dream,
over and over, about her twin sister.

She and her sister were unborn
twins in Big Minnie's womb.

Through the walls of
Big Minnie's body,

she could hear fighting
between Wallace and Big Minnie.

Her twin was really scared and
stuck her little fingers in her

little ears.

But Little Minnie listened.

She knew there was only
one way for her to live.

So she went over and
talked to her twin.

She calmed her down and told
her that she should go out and

everything would be okay.

Her twin sister was so
scared that she agreed to go.

In the dream, her
sister was born,

and Little Minnie
hid inside Big Minnie,

listening to
Wallace kill her sister.

Later that night, Little Minnie
snuck out of Big Minnie and was

born secretly.

She crawled into the
walls of the house and hid.

She lived there for months.

Late at night, she'd sneak out
and eat from the leftover food.

It was very lonely, living
in the walls of the house.

"That is, until the
night of the crash."

"Right at that moment, Little
Minnie woke up, and standing

over her was
Wallace smiling at her.

He came closer and whispered, 'I
know what you've been dreaming.'

When Little Minnie
heard this, she jumped up.

Wallace stood up,
laughing like a maniac.

'Dance for me, Minnie.

Dance for me like you
dance for all those men.

You and me, we're
the same, Minnie.

We're killers.

You killed your twin sister.

I know all about it.

And I know you
killed Big Minnie.

Poor, old, fat Big Minnie.

Come back and be with me.

We can be happy.

You knew all about us.

"You always knew.'"

"'You knew... '"

"'You know you were
almost a year old..."

When you were found
during that... that fire.

You know you lived in
the walls of our house.

It all adds up.

You were good at
math in school, I know.

"Come back to me.'"

"Minnie cried, 'I'll
never come near you."

I'd rather be dead.'

'But you already have, Minnie.

Don't you remember that night?

The swamp?

When I told you
where you came from?'

'What do you mean?'
cried Minnie.

And in a voice that
Minnie remembered...

Wallace continued hissing,
'I know where you came from.'

'No, ' screamed Minnie.

'Yes.

Now, be a good girl
and come to Daddy.'

Minnie turned and
ran out to the road.

She quickly hitched a ride.

But this time, she headed west,
the place where people go to forget.

She go-go danced her way west.

"End of chapter one."

-Christ.

-What?

-That was a children's story?

-Yeah.

Didn't you like it?

-It was great.

...it was just...
-What?

-You know, so
grown up, you know,

with the car crashes and the,
you know, the... yeah, topless bars.

-Have you ever read
the Grimm Brothers?

Not lately.

-Well, you should.

It's pretty heavy stuff.

Topless bars?

-Worse, much worse.

-Yeah, that was wonderful.

-Thanks.

You know, I have fun doing it.

That's the most
important thing, right?

I think it's important
to do something with a work.

You know, to... to
have people hear it.

-I guess.

-See, I think you
should publish.

No, really, I mean,
through my publisher,

the one I'm working with,
I'm sure I could hook you up with someone.

Because... see, I've been
offered substantial advances,

but I'll probably hold out.

See, the longer
you refuse to sell,

the more control you
have over your book.

Like... like, they'll say they
love your book and then you find

out all they were really
interested in was the,

the title or, you
know, stuff about girls or...

But, see, I've been working
with publisher for years,

and... and they... they feel,
really feel that I'm ready for my success.

But I tell them I
won't do talk shows.

Hate those things.

I w... I mean, I would
never do Letterman.

Guy doesn't get it.

I mean, I... I'd never
become part of the problem.

'Cause I... I mean, I'm not gonna
become another Jimi Hendrix.

See, he wasn't ready for
success and it killed him.

But maybe... maybe I'll do
radio interview but no, no TV.

What is it?

-Nothing.

-Well, don't you wanna publish?

You shouldn't be scared, a lot of people...
-I have been published.

-What do you mean?

-I have a publisher.

-You have a publisher?

-Yeah.

I mean, it's just a small company,
but yeah.

-How'd you do that?

-Oh, it was really cool.

One day, I was
reading this magazine that,

that said that these guys
were looking for unpublished

works, and so I sent them
the copy of the book and,

and they read it
and they really liked it.

And they said that they couldn't
sell a lot of copies but,

you know, they could sell a few
and we could see what would happen.

It was the
happiest day of my life.

For me.

So, I went down,
I sent them the book, you know...

they read the book and... and yeah,
they ended up doing my book.

-But, y... you got
an advance, right?

No, actually, I... I, I had
to put up a little money for,

like, the rights or some
legal fees or something.

-Oh.

-Yeah.

But they did... yeah, they
did a really great job.

In fact, they even let me
design the cover myself.

They said not everybody was
allowed to design the covers

themselves but that they liked my design,
so...

I mean, it's never gonna make the
New York Times bestseller list, but...

-No, that... that's pretty good.

-You wanna see it?

...oh, sure.

-I keep all my stuff under
here 'cause of my dreams.

-Your dreams?

-See?

-This is really beautiful.

-Thanks.

-Have you sold many of these?

-No, not many.

-Why not?

-I don't know, I just thought it
was more important to get it printed.

-So nobody's seen this?

-I sent one to my parents.

-What'd they say?

-We didn't talk very much.

What are you laughing at?

Oh, no, sorry, it's just...

you know, this family you say
you miss so much and then you,

you know, you write
a story like that.

-Like what?

- Oh, I don't kn...
- just, you know, crazy and violent.

-Oh.

Yeah.

I never really thought about it.

Yeah, families?

I just had to get away from mine,
you know?

It was, like, too much noise.

Mental static.

You know, sometimes I... I
walk through that door,

it's like I can
finally breathe, you know?

I don't have people's
thoughts banging into my head.

Right, well, doesn't that get lonely or... or boring or...
-No.

Remember?

I told you, I used
to run around a lot.

-Oh, right.

Party girl.

-Yeah, don't remind me.

The things I've done...
-Like what?

-I was young, you know?

And when I first came to Manhattan,
I couldn't believe it sometimes.

I mean, even if you never go to
any of the cultural shit or any

of the plays or anything,
it's... It's just, it's an amazing town,

you know.

You can feel it.

Well, I mean... do the lawyers...
I'm sorry, it's none of my business.

-What?

-Well, they must, you know...

come onto you or... or... or
you must have gotten some

harassment, like, pressure or...
-It happens.

But you deal with it.

What are you... are
you thinking that I've,

like... slept with some of
the lawyers from the firm?

- No, no, no, I...
- Because I haven't.

-Oh, no, I was just... you know...
-I mean, only a couple of times.

-Right.

- What?
- Would you relax?

I'm only joking!

-Oh.

-I haven't gone out with any of them,
really.

-'Cause you said, you know,
you had a wild life and...

-Yeah, well, I'm sure you
did all that kind of stuff.

-Like what?

-Like go crazy.

-I guess I did in my
own way, but it wasn't...

-I'm sure it was
fun at the time.

-Not really.

-So... now, I... now,
I just... come home.

-Into your lonely apartment.

-You know what it's like.

You know, I think, I, I... I'd better...
-I have a surprise.

A surprise?

Sit down!

But I, I... -What are you d...
-And close your eyes, it's a surprise.

What... what are y...

Surprise!

But it's... it's not my...
-What?

-Well, it's not my birthday.

-I know, it's my birthday.

-Oh!

-Well, it's really Sunday,
but I decided that we'd celebrate tonight.

Aren't you gonna wish me a - -Oh,
happy birthday!

-Thank you.

Oh, I need a knife.

You want some coffee?

No, no, I'm... I'm fine.

You know, if... if I
had known that it w...

-But I told you last week
and the week before, twice.

-Oh, right, I'm... I'm not so
good at that kind of thing.

-That's okay.

-You know, I didn't
get you a present.

-You didn't?!

Would you relax?

I'm only joking.

I mean, you know, I
never celebrate it,

so it's like I saw this cake
today and I... I had to buy it.

I didn't bring it out to
make you nuts or anything.

-Oh, no, no, I'm
not getting nuts.

-Well, you should see your face.

-Oh, my f... see,
I'm not like a lot of people.

My face doesn't have that much
to do with what I'm feeling.

It's just...

-Yeah, well, you know, I wasn't
gonna bring it out if I didn't

think things were going well
and I thought things were going

- well.
- Sure, right.

-I just remembered.

I have some
champagne in the fridge.

It's been in there for a couple
of years but I'm sure we could

open it up in a second.

And I have this new tape.

Well, it's a new band but,
you'll probably really, really love it.

I'm sure you will.

Because, you see, I've got my
girlfriend that... she turned me onto it.

And, and I... what I did
is I recorded it from her CD,

'cause I don't
have a CD, you see.

And I thought that it would be a
really good idea that we could

probably... Anyway, so... So,
anyway... What are you doing?

Oh, well, it's... it's getting really late and...
-It's Friday night.

What are you talking about?

Well, it, I... well, I'm
under a lot of ple... pre...

Pressure with my,
with my publisher.

-This is a joke, right?

You're so funny!

-No, it's just I... I have
a deadline with my book.

But it... it was really great
getting together after all this time.

And... you know, and... and the
food was really... was really great.

-Yeah, the seafood.

-Right.

The seafood.

That's good.

So...
-Oh, don't forget your jacket.

-Oh, right.

Anyway... and especially it was
great to hear your story and... I mean,

your book and... and...

Is something going on, Jackie?

-I don't know, is it, Michael?

Well, I don't know,
you seem... What is it?

-Nothing.

-Wh... what?

-Nothing.

-You sure?

-I thought you
might want to stay.

Oh, you mean...
-Forget it, I shouldn't have said anything.

-Oh, no, I didn't... I
wasn't trying to sto...

-Listen, let's just forget I
even said anything, okay?

Why don't you go before I
humiliate myself even further.

Well, you haven't
humiliated yourself.

-Thanks, I feel much better now.

Hey, wait, why don't
we... let's...

Okay, let's... let's sit down,
let's talk about it and get clear.

- No, let's just let it go, okay?
- No, let's get it clear and...

-Let's let it go!

-We can talk ab...
-And I'll forget about it in the morning and,

you know, I'll see
you at work on Monday.

-Well, I... I f... I
feel terrible now.

-Yeah, well,
dates are weird sometimes.

-This was a date?

-You know, you'd like everyone
to think that you don't know

what's going on, but
you know what's going on.

You know very well that... that...
that I liked you a lot and that

this was a date.

-Oh, no, 'cause, see,
if I had known that you feel

that way, because I was...
-Don't tell me that you wouldn't have come.

-Well, I hope I haven't
done anything to mislead you,

'cause I was r... I...
-Oh, no, you haven't done anything.

You know, I liked you
and I'm sorry I liked you.

-Well, no, I'm... I'm very flattered
you feel that way about me.

-Flattered?

Are you fucking kidding me?!

I mean, if you don't want to get involved,
that's your choice, right?

But don't tell me that
this never happened.

That I got this all
wrong, that I made this up.

Don't you tell me
that I made this up!

-Well, why don't you just let
me try to explain to you...

-That's it, get out.

-Well, I just want to tell
you, if you'd just let me try to

- explain...
- Just get the fuck out of here!

-Well...

I... I... I don't do this...

I said I don't do this
kind of thing anymore.

I didn't quit law
school, I had to leave.

I w... I was... I was
almost done... and then...

I started to... I couldn't
get out of bed in the morning.

And everybody's
voices started getting...

louder and louder and I... I felt
smaller and smaller and I...

See, I felt like I was
falling all the time and...

See, I carry this
briefcase everywhere.

You know, writing
notes all the time.

And I get home and I... I put the
briefcase on the hall table and

I never open it.

See, I don't write.

I haven't written
anything in years.

And I don't have a publisher.

You know what I do all the time?

I watch TV.

I... I get home and I... I get my dinner,
I sit in front of the TV set,

and I tell myself it's okay to
watch for a while 'cause I'm

lonely, you know... you
know, right after dinner,

and then, after
dinner, I... I get the...

TV Guide and I check and
see if something's on.

I'm gonna watch one
program, like a good one,

like a science special
or something and... But...

but I wanna watch whatever's on.

Even if I've seen
it before, I...

'Cause it... it
fills this void in me.

'Cause... 'cause nobody
ever told me what to do.

I... And so, like, I watch all night
hoping that it tells me what to do.

You know, I... I don't talk about
anything I haven't seen on TV.

I didn't read about
birds or microwaves or...

See, it's like something
broke in me... a long time ago.

And I don't know what it was,

and... and it's too hard
for me to keep trying.

And there are a lot of things
that I want to do with my life.

And I'm so far behind now,
I'm never gonna catch up.

I just... I just wish someone
would tell me what to do,

that I should sit down and I
should eat something and...

afterwards, they'll...

Afterwards, they'll, you know,
answer my questions and tell me

how to do stuff and that
if I screw up, it's okay,

'cause that's what people do.

Screwing up's a good thing!

It's... it's good and...

And then, they'll tell me to go
to bed and... and go to sleep and

that... you know,
it'll be okay tomorrow,

we'll do something... else and,
you know, we'll have fun.

I'm sorry.

You know...

I lie in bed at night, you know,

and I'm staring up at the
ceiling and it's like...

the only thing that's
gotten me through lately...

is the thought that
I'd see you at work.

You know, at first, I thought,
oh, I just liked you 'cause,

you know, you
were so much... fun,

making jokes at those guys'
expense and... and them not knowing it.

And then... and then,
you'd smile and you'd... you'd look at me.

And I'd understand.

I don't know what happened.

It's like... at one point, guys just,
stopped asking me out, you know?

I mean, I don't know if it
was 'cause of my age or,

because, you know,
maybe I... I gave off this, serious vibe.

It was probably that.

It's funny, you know?

You finally grow up.

You know?

You finally, figure
out who the hell you are.

And just when you've got
something interesting to give,

they're not interested anymore.

So, I probably knew you wouldn't
come through for me, you know?

I should've known... when the smartest,
nicest... funniest guy,

who's a paralegal, who does
the xeroxing in the office,

I should've known that you are... you know,
you are where you are...

because you wanna be there.

Because... we all are where we are
because... we wanna be there, right?

It's getting late.

-Right.

-I need to sleep.

-Yeah, right.

Do you wanna get together again,
you know, outside of work?

-You mean like on a date?

-Yeah, I was thinking, you
know, maybe next Friday?

-So this was a date?

-Yeah, I'm asking you
on a date next Friday.

-After all this?

Listen, why don't you...

You know, why don't you think
about it next week and then you

can ask me then, okay?

-Oh, no, I don't need to wait.

-Don't do this to me again.

-Oh, I'm just
asking you out on a date.

-I don't think so.

-Well, m... I mean,
you can always change your mind.

I mean, anytime you want,
you just... just say the word.

I mean, I know it's gonna
be uncomfortable at work,

- but...
- I just said ask me next week.

-But I was thinking 'cause we've been talking, - maybe...
- Don't.

-Okay.

So, I'll see you at work.

-See you at work.

What?

-I don't know what to do.

You know, what am
I gonna do now?

-Just go home, Michael.

Everything will be okay.

-Yeah, right.

I'll see you.

-See ya.