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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:04,162 WWW.MY-SUBS.CO 1 00:00:06,940 --> 00:00:09,218 Previously on "Resident Alien"... 2 00:00:09,679 --> 00:00:11,375 I need to go home. 3 00:00:12,109 --> 00:00:14,530 You're taking me home, right? 4 00:00:17,304 --> 00:00:18,835 Harry, you can't fix it. 5 00:00:18,840 --> 00:00:20,925 I have to. If I do not, I am stuck here. 6 00:00:20,930 --> 00:00:23,330 If someone sees this, then things will get worse for you. 7 00:00:24,958 --> 00:00:27,281 - What's that? - A survival kit. 8 00:00:27,286 --> 00:00:29,018 Botulinum is injectable. 9 00:00:29,023 --> 00:00:32,210 Maybe all he or she would need to do is inject a toxin 10 00:00:32,215 --> 00:00:34,386 into a single insulin vial. 11 00:00:34,391 --> 00:00:37,484 Both the boot and the foot were found in the same area. 12 00:00:37,489 --> 00:00:39,191 What if they fought inside, 13 00:00:39,196 --> 00:00:41,421 and then Harry threw dead foot guy 14 00:00:41,426 --> 00:00:42,632 through the front doors? 15 00:00:42,637 --> 00:00:44,031 And I throw you in the lake. 16 00:00:44,036 --> 00:00:46,276 Looks like we might have a new prime suspect. 17 00:00:46,281 --> 00:00:47,563 You didn't complete your mission. 18 00:00:47,567 --> 00:00:49,711 They'll just send someone else to kill everyone for you. 19 00:00:49,715 --> 00:00:51,789 Everyone, including Asta? 20 00:00:51,794 --> 00:00:53,460 She's a human, so yes. 21 00:00:53,465 --> 00:00:55,000 This cannot happen. 22 00:01:05,987 --> 00:01:07,381 Hello? 23 00:01:08,015 --> 00:01:09,678 Asta? 24 00:01:11,246 --> 00:01:12,842 Hello? 25 00:01:18,401 --> 00:01:19,994 Asta? 26 00:01:22,540 --> 00:01:24,033 Where is everybody? 27 00:01:25,788 --> 00:01:27,525 Asta? 28 00:01:31,792 --> 00:01:33,416 D'arcy? 29 00:01:43,104 --> 00:01:44,181 Ahh! 30 00:01:45,774 --> 00:01:49,134 D'arcy. What happened to you? 31 00:01:49,438 --> 00:01:51,609 You... 32 00:01:53,893 --> 00:01:55,650 Sorry... you let me die. 33 00:01:55,655 --> 00:01:58,252 You let us all die, big bummer. 34 00:01:58,399 --> 00:01:59,501 Asta. 35 00:01:59,506 --> 00:02:00,900 Way too late for her. 36 00:02:00,905 --> 00:02:02,369 No, not Asta. 37 00:02:02,374 --> 00:02:06,984 She's dead because of you. 38 00:02:07,175 --> 00:02:09,008 I have to help her. 39 00:02:09,134 --> 00:02:11,666 Help her what, get a better burial site? 40 00:02:11,671 --> 00:02:13,658 Come on, I mean, she's at the top of the hill. 41 00:02:13,663 --> 00:02:14,865 It's as good as you can get. 42 00:02:14,870 --> 00:02:17,861 I'm down by the pond and geese. 43 00:02:17,866 --> 00:02:19,400 I'll just say that. 44 00:02:19,814 --> 00:02:22,728 So... feeling bad yet? 45 00:02:22,733 --> 00:02:23,830 'Cause you should. 46 00:02:23,835 --> 00:02:26,741 I have to save her. Asta! 47 00:02:31,199 --> 00:02:34,821 Asta, Asta! 48 00:02:35,111 --> 00:02:36,530 Asta! 49 00:02:47,754 --> 00:02:49,277 Scary. 50 00:02:57,495 --> 00:03:00,326 Synced & corrected by QueenMaddie www.MY-SUBS.com 51 00:03:01,637 --> 00:03:03,373 I did some digging. 52 00:03:03,378 --> 00:03:06,881 In 2015 and '16, Dr. Vanderspeigle was working 53 00:03:06,886 --> 00:03:08,498 at St. Helens Hospital in New York, 54 00:03:08,503 --> 00:03:10,574 so I left a message, to get some background on him. 55 00:03:10,579 --> 00:03:12,083 Hold on. What is this I'm seeing? 56 00:03:12,088 --> 00:03:13,599 Did he come out? 57 00:03:13,604 --> 00:03:15,541 No, it's like some kind of hawk in a tree 58 00:03:15,546 --> 00:03:17,881 over there ripping apart a mouse or some shit. 59 00:03:17,886 --> 00:03:19,209 It is nasty. 60 00:03:19,214 --> 00:03:21,252 Mother Nature takes no prisoners, Deputy. 61 00:03:21,620 --> 00:03:23,390 - Can I look? - That's a no-go. 62 00:03:23,395 --> 00:03:25,600 What if he comes out and kills somebody during the handoff? 63 00:03:25,604 --> 00:03:27,274 Go ahead and twizzle me. 64 00:03:29,375 --> 00:03:32,052 Okay, all right. 65 00:03:32,057 --> 00:03:34,728 Here comes our not-so-good doctor right now. 66 00:03:36,075 --> 00:03:38,138 What's he doing with all them buckets of dirt? 67 00:03:38,897 --> 00:03:40,888 That's a lot of dirt right there. 68 00:03:41,752 --> 00:03:43,889 Maybe he's burying something under the cellar, 69 00:03:43,894 --> 00:03:45,966 or someone. 70 00:03:47,912 --> 00:03:49,916 Man, that's enough dirt for like five adults, 71 00:03:49,921 --> 00:03:52,326 or maybe three adult bodies, and five children, 72 00:03:52,331 --> 00:03:53,873 and maybe two jockeys. 73 00:03:53,996 --> 00:03:55,098 Speaking of jockeys, 74 00:03:55,103 --> 00:03:57,140 when was the last time you saw Todd Campbell? 75 00:03:57,532 --> 00:03:59,326 - My dentist? - Mm-hmm. 76 00:03:59,331 --> 00:04:01,301 Are you suggesting he's a jockey? 77 00:04:01,306 --> 00:04:02,772 Well, the man's short, he's bowlegged, 78 00:04:02,776 --> 00:04:04,685 and he wears stripes. That's a goddamn jockey. 79 00:04:04,690 --> 00:04:06,727 Why you want him drilling in your damn teeth? 80 00:04:06,732 --> 00:04:07,935 I'll never know. 81 00:04:13,945 --> 00:04:16,677 Summertime. My people love the cold. 82 00:04:16,682 --> 00:04:19,569 But this body certainly prefers these warm days. 83 00:04:19,574 --> 00:04:21,278 The smell of flowers, 84 00:04:21,278 --> 00:04:23,240 the sound of bugs rubbing their legs together 85 00:04:23,245 --> 00:04:24,998 for mating season. 86 00:04:25,003 --> 00:04:26,650 It is more peaceful. 87 00:04:26,655 --> 00:04:29,052 - Whoo! - Yeah! 88 00:04:29,394 --> 00:04:31,302 Ah, whoo! 89 00:04:31,965 --> 00:04:33,101 Whoo! 90 00:04:33,101 --> 00:04:34,604 Yeah, baby! 91 00:04:34,768 --> 00:04:36,693 I hate this place. 92 00:04:36,848 --> 00:04:40,037 Are you looking for a better place to go this summer? 93 00:04:40,188 --> 00:04:41,842 Hi, I'm Mayor Mitch. 94 00:04:41,847 --> 00:04:43,284 Summer's just around the corner, 95 00:04:43,289 --> 00:04:46,261 and I can't wait to welcome you to Jessup, Colorado, 96 00:04:46,266 --> 00:04:47,888 the safest town around. 97 00:04:47,893 --> 00:04:50,932 Come taste our world-famous mountain spring water. 98 00:04:52,913 --> 00:04:54,983 We have the most pristine lakes in Colorado, 99 00:04:54,988 --> 00:04:57,326 perfect for boating and swimming, 100 00:04:57,331 --> 00:04:59,138 and if you love fishing, 101 00:04:59,143 --> 00:05:02,116 we have five varieties of trout 102 00:05:02,121 --> 00:05:04,158 and zero varieties of dead human feet. 103 00:05:04,163 --> 00:05:06,092 When people disappear in Jessup, 104 00:05:06,097 --> 00:05:08,360 it's in our world-famous corn maze, 105 00:05:08,365 --> 00:05:10,008 so if you're out of patience, 106 00:05:10,008 --> 00:05:12,447 and you just want to have some fun, come visit us. 107 00:05:12,447 --> 00:05:16,020 'Cause here in Jessup, the only murder you'll see is onstage 108 00:05:16,020 --> 00:05:18,365 at our summer Shakespeare festival. 109 00:05:19,232 --> 00:05:20,259 Cool. 110 00:05:20,264 --> 00:05:24,138 I'm just gonna put some cyanide in my coffee and call it a day. 111 00:05:27,821 --> 00:05:29,175 This is pathetic. 112 00:05:29,180 --> 00:05:30,683 You've been digging for a week. 113 00:05:30,683 --> 00:05:32,320 You wouldn't have to do any of this 114 00:05:32,320 --> 00:05:34,873 if you had just gone home like you were supposed to. 115 00:05:34,878 --> 00:05:37,517 I could not go home with that kid on board. 116 00:05:37,522 --> 00:05:39,693 I could never get him past customs. 117 00:05:40,056 --> 00:05:42,157 Yeah, that's why there's an eject button. 118 00:05:42,162 --> 00:05:43,308 That kid's body should have 119 00:05:43,308 --> 00:05:44,740 been a shooting star over Texas. 120 00:05:44,745 --> 00:05:47,712 You don't know anything about space. 121 00:05:47,717 --> 00:05:50,156 You are a Colorado octopus. 122 00:05:50,156 --> 00:05:51,998 Is that where we are? Shit. 123 00:05:52,003 --> 00:05:55,394 I thought this was India. That is an Indian rug. 124 00:05:55,399 --> 00:05:57,060 You are appropriating their culture. 125 00:05:57,334 --> 00:05:58,469 That's not a good look, man. 126 00:05:58,474 --> 00:06:00,927 I saw it at a red tag sale for $5. 127 00:06:00,932 --> 00:06:02,675 I had to buy it. 128 00:06:02,680 --> 00:06:06,302 Plus, I think it really brings the room together. 129 00:06:06,307 --> 00:06:07,459 Listen to you. 130 00:06:07,464 --> 00:06:09,849 You... that's a great price, by the way. 131 00:06:09,854 --> 00:06:13,516 You're becoming one of them. Look how human you are. 132 00:06:13,521 --> 00:06:15,402 You're even vulnerable to your own people's attack. 133 00:06:15,406 --> 00:06:21,050 I am not because I will cut a hole in your octopus body 134 00:06:21,050 --> 00:06:23,722 and wear you as a protective octo-suit 135 00:06:23,722 --> 00:06:26,224 when they come to eradicate all human life. 136 00:06:26,229 --> 00:06:29,202 Wow, is this how you treat a house guest? 137 00:06:29,427 --> 00:06:31,771 Then I'm glad I didn't get you a gift. 138 00:06:37,328 --> 00:06:39,122 Who has touched this? 139 00:06:42,605 --> 00:06:45,043 That little shit bucket. 140 00:06:46,535 --> 00:06:50,463 Okay, little dickhead. Play with my alien technology. 141 00:06:51,080 --> 00:06:53,649 You deserve what's going to happen to you. 142 00:07:29,491 --> 00:07:32,129 Oh, oh, wow. Whoa, whoa. 143 00:07:32,134 --> 00:07:34,359 Whoa! Whoa. 144 00:08:06,127 --> 00:08:08,765 With my people coming to kill everyone on Earth, 145 00:08:08,765 --> 00:08:11,362 I will need a bunker to survive. 146 00:08:11,974 --> 00:08:13,570 I will fix it up and present it 147 00:08:13,575 --> 00:08:15,612 to Asta as her new home. 148 00:08:15,994 --> 00:08:17,249 We will live, 149 00:08:17,249 --> 00:08:20,080 and all the beer-drinking douchebags can fry. 150 00:08:26,884 --> 00:08:28,424 - Have a good day. - Thanks. 151 00:08:28,429 --> 00:08:30,463 - Oh, Ben. - Yeah? 152 00:08:30,468 --> 00:08:33,207 Are you serious? She cannot be the new doctor. 153 00:08:33,382 --> 00:08:36,855 Dr. Smallwood is a wonderful physician. 154 00:08:37,057 --> 00:08:38,625 You know, she was part of the first stream of women 155 00:08:38,625 --> 00:08:41,231 to graduate from Harvard medical school. 156 00:08:41,231 --> 00:08:43,436 Yeah, in the 1940s. 157 00:08:43,441 --> 00:08:45,158 Years of experience. 158 00:08:45,163 --> 00:08:48,173 Are you the little girl with the broken arm? 159 00:08:48,178 --> 00:08:49,914 No, I'm still the nurse. 160 00:08:49,914 --> 00:08:51,622 Your patient is down that hallway. 161 00:08:51,627 --> 00:08:52,659 Thank you, dear. 162 00:08:52,664 --> 00:08:56,369 Hello there, Dr. Smallwood. It's nice to see you again. 163 00:08:56,374 --> 00:09:00,869 Hello, I know a Hawthorne when I see one. 164 00:09:00,869 --> 00:09:04,210 Ah, top of her game, as always. 165 00:09:04,210 --> 00:09:07,416 Send my best to your twin brother, the mayor. 166 00:09:07,421 --> 00:09:11,110 Tell him I think he's doing a dynamite job. 167 00:09:11,118 --> 00:09:12,728 I will do that. 168 00:09:14,177 --> 00:09:16,811 Can you please tell Dr. Ethan to come back? 169 00:09:16,816 --> 00:09:17,816 He texted me. 170 00:09:17,821 --> 00:09:19,407 There was a family emergency. He can't come back. 171 00:09:19,407 --> 00:09:21,411 What am I supposed to do? I'm here all alone. 172 00:09:21,411 --> 00:09:23,368 - She's very experienced. - Asta, Asta, come on. 173 00:09:23,832 --> 00:09:24,949 Let's go. Time's a-wasting. 174 00:09:24,954 --> 00:09:26,554 Sorry, D'arce. I can't leave. 175 00:09:26,554 --> 00:09:29,238 Dr. Smallwood just started, and it's pretty rough. 176 00:09:29,243 --> 00:09:31,293 Dr. Smallwood? What are you talking about? 177 00:09:31,298 --> 00:09:33,215 She's been dead for like 30 years. 178 00:09:33,770 --> 00:09:35,278 Hello. 179 00:09:35,283 --> 00:09:38,848 - Oh, God, ghost. - I just saw your brother. 180 00:09:39,715 --> 00:09:42,053 Look, it'll be fine. Ellen's here. 181 00:09:42,053 --> 00:09:43,957 Please go enjoy your day off, okay? 182 00:09:43,957 --> 00:09:45,226 Mayor's orders. 183 00:09:45,226 --> 00:09:47,403 Yeah, let's get the heck out of here before she starts 184 00:09:47,408 --> 00:09:48,945 crawling around on the ceiling on all fours. 185 00:09:48,949 --> 00:09:51,575 - Come on. - Okay, okay. 186 00:09:51,580 --> 00:09:53,584 I'll get my things. 187 00:10:02,443 --> 00:10:05,695 Have you... is it supposed to rain tomorrow still? 188 00:10:05,700 --> 00:10:06,919 Why are you acting so weird? 189 00:10:07,832 --> 00:10:10,103 - What? - Oh, my God. 190 00:10:10,108 --> 00:10:12,437 Are you uncomfortable because you kissed me last week? 191 00:10:12,442 --> 00:10:14,914 Wow, just gonna shout that in public. 192 00:10:14,919 --> 00:10:16,321 That's wonderful. 193 00:10:16,321 --> 00:10:18,258 It was actually you who kissed me. 194 00:10:18,258 --> 00:10:21,465 Oh, no siree, no. That's not how it went down. 195 00:10:21,470 --> 00:10:23,164 - It is how it went down. - You want me to reenact it? 196 00:10:23,168 --> 00:10:26,340 Look, I'll be you, you be me, and I'll kiss you. 197 00:10:26,345 --> 00:10:27,807 Grab your butt, and show you how you did it. 198 00:10:27,811 --> 00:10:28,812 Come on. Come on over here. 199 00:10:28,816 --> 00:10:30,059 - No, no. - I'll demonstrate. 200 00:10:30,064 --> 00:10:32,184 - Very funny. - That's how you were. 201 00:10:33,517 --> 00:10:35,099 Oh, you're touching my butt. You're touching my butt. 202 00:10:35,103 --> 00:10:36,107 - Nope. - You're touching my butt. 203 00:10:36,111 --> 00:10:39,095 I didn't touch her... 204 00:10:39,100 --> 00:10:41,468 Oh, I love the new sign, by the way. 205 00:10:46,804 --> 00:10:48,872 I want this person arrested. 206 00:10:49,198 --> 00:10:50,501 You even know who did it? 207 00:10:50,506 --> 00:10:52,388 Pretty obvious, mayor of Jessup. 208 00:10:52,393 --> 00:10:54,567 Didn't you see his anti-Patience ad? 209 00:10:54,572 --> 00:10:56,610 Yeah, it's horrible. 210 00:10:56,731 --> 00:10:58,551 Ooh, looking forward to the corn maze though. 211 00:10:58,556 --> 00:11:01,231 Oh, me too, I heard a rumor, back in the '70s, a kid 212 00:11:01,236 --> 00:11:03,684 got lost in it for two weeks and had to eat his friend. 213 00:11:03,836 --> 00:11:06,020 Now, see, that's a goddamn good maze. 214 00:11:06,025 --> 00:11:07,948 Sure, kids eating kids is fine in Jessup. 215 00:11:07,953 --> 00:11:09,270 We find one foot in our lake, 216 00:11:09,275 --> 00:11:11,780 suddenly people think our town isn't safe. 217 00:11:11,894 --> 00:11:14,255 Brutal murder of a town doctor didn't help. 218 00:11:14,260 --> 00:11:16,236 Well, and the next doctor disappearing. 219 00:11:16,241 --> 00:11:17,376 I mean, people just don't vanish. 220 00:11:17,376 --> 00:11:19,234 Kidnapper's still on the loose. 221 00:11:19,239 --> 00:11:20,717 And the whole sign's coming down. 222 00:11:23,681 --> 00:11:25,562 Soon all of this will be over. 223 00:11:25,567 --> 00:11:28,426 Their unending consumption and gluttony will be done, 224 00:11:28,431 --> 00:11:31,169 and Asta and I will be safe in the bunker. 225 00:11:31,438 --> 00:11:33,041 But if everyone is gone, 226 00:11:33,041 --> 00:11:35,247 who will keep the bunker clean? 227 00:11:35,629 --> 00:11:36,931 I hate cleaning, 228 00:11:36,936 --> 00:11:38,748 and from the look of Asta's car, 229 00:11:38,753 --> 00:11:40,256 she's a real piglet. 230 00:11:40,256 --> 00:11:41,864 - More coffee? - Great. 231 00:11:41,869 --> 00:11:43,906 Maybe Asta's giant father could be 232 00:11:43,911 --> 00:11:45,394 in the bunker with us. 233 00:11:45,399 --> 00:11:47,069 He can cook and clean, 234 00:11:47,069 --> 00:11:49,875 and his aftershave smells like fryer grease. 235 00:11:49,875 --> 00:11:53,816 No, it wouldn't work. They are father and daughter. 236 00:11:53,816 --> 00:11:56,387 They may turn against me and make me their servant. 237 00:11:56,392 --> 00:11:58,788 - You look tired. - I am. 238 00:11:58,793 --> 00:12:02,333 My dreams have turned evil. 239 00:12:02,333 --> 00:12:04,037 Sounds like a nightmare, 240 00:12:04,037 --> 00:12:07,864 mind's way of working out fear or guilt. 241 00:12:08,412 --> 00:12:11,017 So what's going on, Harry? 242 00:12:11,017 --> 00:12:13,145 I'm building a bunker to save Asta 243 00:12:13,150 --> 00:12:15,661 from a total extinction event, and I'm going to lock you out 244 00:12:15,666 --> 00:12:18,328 and then sweep up your ashes with a dustpan. 245 00:12:18,333 --> 00:12:19,935 Nothing. 246 00:12:30,654 --> 00:12:32,188 You know, we really need this. 247 00:12:32,193 --> 00:12:34,112 We work way too hard. 248 00:12:34,932 --> 00:12:36,903 You're actually supposed to be working today, D'arce. 249 00:12:36,903 --> 00:12:40,109 Well "Load" was supposed to be Metallica's comeback album, 250 00:12:40,109 --> 00:12:42,013 but life comes at you fast. 251 00:12:42,459 --> 00:12:43,846 Can you at least take these sandwiches 252 00:12:43,850 --> 00:12:45,820 down to the VIP group in Sheep's Meadow? 253 00:12:45,820 --> 00:12:48,760 And please don't moon the tour groups. 254 00:12:48,760 --> 00:12:51,197 You got it, and we'll see. 255 00:12:51,197 --> 00:12:52,417 Ready to go. 256 00:13:04,678 --> 00:13:07,741 Yeah, baby, whoo! 257 00:13:07,746 --> 00:13:10,514 - Dead ahead! - Dead ahead! 258 00:13:10,971 --> 00:13:13,504 Whoo! 259 00:13:22,059 --> 00:13:24,407 Hold still. You're gonna get cut. 260 00:13:24,412 --> 00:13:26,902 I always knew I was very mature for my age. 261 00:13:27,053 --> 00:13:29,751 I'm not trying to brag, but I've had BO for a year. 262 00:13:29,756 --> 00:13:30,977 You're not mature. 263 00:13:30,977 --> 00:13:33,436 You still laugh at scatological humor. 264 00:13:33,561 --> 00:13:34,918 What's that? 265 00:13:34,918 --> 00:13:36,858 Poop jokes. 266 00:13:37,123 --> 00:13:39,400 - Poop. - Wake up. 267 00:13:39,405 --> 00:13:41,603 This happened to you because you went to space. 268 00:13:41,608 --> 00:13:43,650 I don't think that's how space works. 269 00:13:43,655 --> 00:13:45,803 Well, it's definitely not how puberty works, 270 00:13:45,808 --> 00:13:47,377 so what else could it be? 271 00:13:48,519 --> 00:13:50,523 I have no idea. 272 00:13:56,354 --> 00:13:57,600 Hey, guys. 273 00:13:57,605 --> 00:13:59,546 I brought you some toaster strudel and fruit punch. 274 00:13:59,550 --> 00:14:00,835 It's okay, Mom. We're not hungry. 275 00:14:00,839 --> 00:14:02,053 No thank you. 276 00:14:02,058 --> 00:14:03,842 My mom said if you offered me any junk food, 277 00:14:03,847 --> 00:14:06,873 I should say no because it will slowly kill me. 278 00:14:07,215 --> 00:14:08,518 Okay. 279 00:14:08,839 --> 00:14:12,084 Not junk, tasty snacks. 280 00:14:12,598 --> 00:14:14,368 What the hell? 281 00:14:20,997 --> 00:14:25,265 ♪ Oh, I'm sailing away my own true love ♪ 282 00:14:25,270 --> 00:14:27,070 And we're gonna take things down a notch 283 00:14:27,075 --> 00:14:29,877 by mellowing out with the closing track 284 00:14:29,882 --> 00:14:32,859 from Asta's junior year birthday mix. 285 00:14:32,991 --> 00:14:34,953 Start with a party, end with a vibe. 286 00:14:34,958 --> 00:14:39,476 That's what I always say on KPRJ radio. 287 00:14:40,005 --> 00:14:42,076 Kind of describes that year in general. 288 00:14:42,081 --> 00:14:43,437 Why? 289 00:14:44,934 --> 00:14:47,750 ♪ From the place where I'll be landing ♪ 290 00:14:47,755 --> 00:14:50,886 Right, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have put it on... 291 00:14:50,891 --> 00:14:52,923 No, no, it's good. 292 00:14:52,928 --> 00:14:55,172 I listened to this song a million times 293 00:14:55,177 --> 00:14:57,227 while I was pregnant with Jay. 294 00:14:57,522 --> 00:15:00,194 I think she liked it, too. She'd always kick. 295 00:15:00,524 --> 00:15:02,196 I should have been there. 296 00:15:02,201 --> 00:15:04,383 Me, not just some stupid playlist. 297 00:15:04,388 --> 00:15:07,193 What do you mean? You didn't even know. 298 00:15:09,114 --> 00:15:10,918 But I should have. 299 00:15:11,182 --> 00:15:13,203 I wish you would have told me. 300 00:15:13,208 --> 00:15:14,875 I would have come running. 301 00:15:15,357 --> 00:15:17,453 I just don't like secrets. 302 00:15:18,545 --> 00:15:19,882 I hope you know the only reason 303 00:15:19,887 --> 00:15:21,796 I would ever keep anything from you is 304 00:15:21,801 --> 00:15:23,461 'cause I don't want to dump shit on you. 305 00:15:24,203 --> 00:15:25,759 What are you keeping from me? 306 00:15:25,759 --> 00:15:27,203 What? 307 00:15:27,208 --> 00:15:28,827 Nothing. 308 00:15:31,037 --> 00:15:32,921 I'm talking about Jay. 309 00:15:34,512 --> 00:15:36,717 You know, you were training in Europe. 310 00:15:36,883 --> 00:15:39,354 I knew, if I told you, you would leave. 311 00:15:39,359 --> 00:15:41,429 I didn't want you ruining your life, too. 312 00:15:42,052 --> 00:15:46,362 I'm sorry, ruin my what? I have a great life, Asta. 313 00:15:46,367 --> 00:15:47,904 I just watched my best friend take a piss 314 00:15:47,904 --> 00:15:49,062 off the side of my boat. 315 00:15:50,453 --> 00:15:52,379 It's awesome. 316 00:16:08,710 --> 00:16:11,081 - Hey. - Not working today? 317 00:16:11,226 --> 00:16:14,189 Nah, D'arcy rescued me from the clinic, 318 00:16:14,194 --> 00:16:15,439 took me to the lake. 319 00:16:15,444 --> 00:16:16,444 Yeah? 320 00:16:16,449 --> 00:16:19,892 I hope you wore a life jacket, maybe two. 321 00:16:21,064 --> 00:16:22,467 What, why? 322 00:16:22,467 --> 00:16:26,821 You're the only one keeping that alien from taking us out. 323 00:16:27,209 --> 00:16:30,082 Anything happens to you, everybody on Earth is dead. 324 00:16:30,082 --> 00:16:32,845 Do you think this blue is too dark? 325 00:16:33,155 --> 00:16:36,017 I can't help that I'm Harry's only friend. 326 00:16:36,429 --> 00:16:38,533 Maybe he should have some more. 327 00:16:38,985 --> 00:16:40,303 We're a great town. 328 00:16:40,303 --> 00:16:43,208 If he can't see the value of humans here, 329 00:16:43,460 --> 00:16:46,042 then maybe we should become extinct. 330 00:17:00,977 --> 00:17:04,329 - What's he eating? - Not sure. 331 00:17:05,064 --> 00:17:07,071 Chowder? 332 00:17:07,376 --> 00:17:09,957 Whatever it is, he just dipped his pie in it. 333 00:17:09,962 --> 00:17:11,525 Pie and chowder? 334 00:17:11,806 --> 00:17:14,223 That's the meal of a serial killer. Watch this. 335 00:17:14,228 --> 00:17:15,807 You want to understand a murderer, 336 00:17:15,892 --> 00:17:17,978 you gotta get inside his food head. 337 00:17:17,978 --> 00:17:19,113 Jay. 338 00:17:19,118 --> 00:17:20,556 Yeah? 339 00:17:20,850 --> 00:17:22,504 I'll have what Dr. V. is having, 340 00:17:22,509 --> 00:17:23,876 the exact same order. 341 00:17:24,150 --> 00:17:26,277 - Are you sure? - Exact same. 342 00:17:26,282 --> 00:17:28,263 If he got a fly in his thing, I want a fly in mine, 343 00:17:28,267 --> 00:17:29,802 but put the fly on the side though 344 00:17:29,802 --> 00:17:30,804 'cause I don't eat no flies. 345 00:17:30,804 --> 00:17:32,307 They walk on shit. 346 00:17:32,307 --> 00:17:34,143 Okay. 347 00:17:36,235 --> 00:17:38,881 Now Max Hawthorne and his girlfriend 348 00:17:38,886 --> 00:17:43,353 just walked in and sat across from him. 349 00:17:43,358 --> 00:17:44,631 Really? 350 00:17:44,636 --> 00:17:47,676 Oh, what are they doing? Can you tell what they saying? 351 00:17:47,681 --> 00:17:50,087 I think Dr. V. just said, 352 00:17:50,410 --> 00:17:53,015 "I don't eat with space pirates." 353 00:17:53,015 --> 00:17:54,117 What? 354 00:17:55,487 --> 00:17:57,424 I like your face. 355 00:17:57,590 --> 00:18:01,026 I see you took the trampoline to the ceiling fan store. 356 00:18:03,116 --> 00:18:05,254 You know it's not from a fan store. 357 00:18:05,259 --> 00:18:07,527 - He had a full-grown beard. - Hmm. 358 00:18:07,532 --> 00:18:08,613 Obviously, your spaceship 359 00:18:08,613 --> 00:18:10,707 caused gravitational time dilation. 360 00:18:10,712 --> 00:18:12,564 Obviously. 361 00:18:12,767 --> 00:18:15,092 Obviously, your pea-sized brain 362 00:18:15,092 --> 00:18:18,574 is very lonely in that cavernous skull of yours. 363 00:18:21,004 --> 00:18:23,902 These idiots have no idea his hormone irregularity 364 00:18:23,907 --> 00:18:26,168 was caused by the alien technology he stole. 365 00:18:26,173 --> 00:18:27,546 It's incredibly rude. 366 00:18:27,551 --> 00:18:30,574 I'm sorry. I wasn't listening. 367 00:18:30,579 --> 00:18:33,012 I was calling you an idiot in my head. 368 00:18:33,017 --> 00:18:34,923 I have a question. 369 00:18:35,019 --> 00:18:36,556 Uh... 370 00:18:36,561 --> 00:18:39,314 "What kind of toilet would Asta like 371 00:18:39,319 --> 00:18:41,720 to poop in in a bunker?" 372 00:18:42,142 --> 00:18:43,806 - That can't be right. - Come on, Deputy. 373 00:18:43,811 --> 00:18:45,485 I thought you took a lipreading workshop. 374 00:18:45,490 --> 00:18:48,025 I could only afford the first three classes, 375 00:18:48,030 --> 00:18:51,650 but I get lots of practice at family gatherings. 376 00:18:51,655 --> 00:18:55,395 My grandma talks a lot of shit about me. 377 00:18:57,080 --> 00:18:59,619 We're not answering any of your questions 378 00:18:59,624 --> 00:19:01,728 until you help him. 379 00:19:01,856 --> 00:19:05,329 Okay, I will help him 380 00:19:06,106 --> 00:19:11,330 if you stand on your seats and shout, "I just farted." 381 00:19:11,690 --> 00:19:13,459 I'm not your puppet. 382 00:19:13,464 --> 00:19:14,958 I'll do it. I'll be your puppet. 383 00:19:14,963 --> 00:19:16,338 No, not you. 384 00:19:16,343 --> 00:19:19,057 You obviously want to do it. 385 00:19:20,011 --> 00:19:21,948 That's why it has to be her. 386 00:19:23,824 --> 00:19:26,916 Apple pie and plain oatmeal. 387 00:19:26,921 --> 00:19:29,627 Extra, extra, extra milk. No flies. 388 00:19:29,632 --> 00:19:30,940 Enjoy. 389 00:19:31,953 --> 00:19:33,523 He's a damn psychopath. 390 00:19:33,528 --> 00:19:34,597 I just farted! 391 00:19:34,602 --> 00:19:36,639 - Max said, "I just..." - I heard that. 392 00:19:36,644 --> 00:19:38,166 I heard that part. 393 00:19:38,171 --> 00:19:40,743 Oh, now the kids are leaving. Oh, wait. 394 00:19:40,986 --> 00:19:42,690 Asta just came in. 395 00:19:42,695 --> 00:19:44,893 Like musical chairs in here. 396 00:19:46,172 --> 00:19:49,178 You are late. I finished eating without you. 397 00:19:49,183 --> 00:19:51,368 I think you'll survive. 398 00:19:51,373 --> 00:19:54,121 I prefer to eat with you. You order a lot of food. 399 00:19:54,126 --> 00:19:56,238 I like to forage off of your plate. 400 00:19:57,013 --> 00:20:00,252 Well, maybe you should try foraging off 401 00:20:00,257 --> 00:20:02,512 someone else's plate, hm? 402 00:20:03,699 --> 00:20:05,449 I'm like your only friend. 403 00:20:06,050 --> 00:20:08,054 I need only one friend. 404 00:20:08,059 --> 00:20:11,667 And one bunker butler, but I'm working on that. 405 00:20:11,748 --> 00:20:13,621 Maybe that one. 406 00:20:14,225 --> 00:20:16,764 No, she looks like she may leave hair 407 00:20:16,769 --> 00:20:18,593 on the wall of the shower. 408 00:20:20,390 --> 00:20:21,861 I think you should spend more time 409 00:20:21,866 --> 00:20:23,603 with some other people in town. 410 00:20:25,111 --> 00:20:27,248 I have met all the other people in town. 411 00:20:27,253 --> 00:20:29,559 They are annoying flesh monkeys. 412 00:20:29,564 --> 00:20:32,083 Okay, come on. You got it. 413 00:20:32,088 --> 00:20:33,625 Here we go. 414 00:20:34,305 --> 00:20:36,108 - Hey, Liv. - Hi. 415 00:20:36,113 --> 00:20:39,401 Sheriff, Harry would like to join your weekly poker game. 416 00:20:39,406 --> 00:20:41,708 Oh, really? Huh. 417 00:20:44,372 --> 00:20:48,447 Asta said I do, so I do. 418 00:20:48,452 --> 00:20:49,782 Oh, you know what, Dr. Vanderspeigle? 419 00:20:49,786 --> 00:20:50,945 That'd be real nice. 420 00:20:50,950 --> 00:20:52,516 It'd give us a chance to get to know one another. 421 00:20:52,520 --> 00:20:54,592 Okay. You going to finish that? 422 00:20:57,047 --> 00:20:59,418 - No, go right ahead. - Thank you. 423 00:21:01,013 --> 00:21:02,195 You see that? 424 00:21:02,200 --> 00:21:04,478 Now, I don't know no normal man that eat that much pie. 425 00:21:04,483 --> 00:21:08,500 - I don't care how good it is. - This, too, eh? I mean, thank you. 426 00:21:13,520 --> 00:21:16,065 Okay, players. Game is Texas hold 'em. 427 00:21:16,070 --> 00:21:19,265 Tournament style, $20 buy-in. Quarter for the small blind. 428 00:21:19,270 --> 00:21:21,816 50¢ for the big blind. There are only three rules. 429 00:21:21,821 --> 00:21:24,906 No spitting, no crying, and no funny business. 430 00:21:24,911 --> 00:21:26,431 This guy knows what I'm talking about. 431 00:21:27,130 --> 00:21:28,596 I am glad I am here. 432 00:21:28,601 --> 00:21:29,971 This game will give me a chance 433 00:21:29,971 --> 00:21:33,177 to audition more potential helpers for our bunker. 434 00:21:33,177 --> 00:21:36,007 Is anybody here worth saving? 435 00:21:36,195 --> 00:21:38,855 All right, well, let's get this show on the road. 436 00:21:40,296 --> 00:21:42,648 Oh, and everybody welcome Harry who says 437 00:21:42,653 --> 00:21:44,601 he knows how to play. 438 00:21:44,882 --> 00:21:46,800 I call bullshit, but he's a rich doctor, 439 00:21:46,805 --> 00:21:48,207 so I'm gonna take him for all he's worth 440 00:21:48,207 --> 00:21:50,244 and buy a new pair of roller skates. 441 00:21:50,244 --> 00:21:51,703 I know how to play. 442 00:21:51,708 --> 00:21:55,083 I spent 15 minutes on YouTube to master this silly game, 443 00:21:55,088 --> 00:21:58,625 and I mostly just watched videos of a dog named Tuna. 444 00:21:59,029 --> 00:22:00,804 Oh, careful there. 445 00:22:01,254 --> 00:22:04,882 This card table is actually a Hawthorne family heirloom. 446 00:22:04,887 --> 00:22:06,272 Wish there was a story about the table. 447 00:22:06,276 --> 00:22:07,780 - Are you shitting me... - John. 448 00:22:07,780 --> 00:22:09,203 Oh, there is actually. 449 00:22:09,208 --> 00:22:10,393 It once belonged 450 00:22:10,398 --> 00:22:13,107 to my two-times great grandfather Dickie Hawthorne. 451 00:22:13,112 --> 00:22:15,377 He built the first saloon here in Patience. 452 00:22:15,382 --> 00:22:17,527 Burned down in the great fire of '91, 453 00:22:17,532 --> 00:22:19,236 but old Dickie, he risked his life 454 00:22:19,236 --> 00:22:22,777 to save this very table that we're playing on tonight. 455 00:22:22,777 --> 00:22:24,646 Didn't three people die in that fire? 456 00:22:24,646 --> 00:22:27,013 - Four. - The thing to focus on, I think, 457 00:22:27,018 --> 00:22:28,587 is that the table is here. 458 00:22:28,587 --> 00:22:30,591 It should actually be in the town museum, 459 00:22:30,591 --> 00:22:32,794 but someone keeps on taking it out. 460 00:22:32,799 --> 00:22:34,901 We should probably just kiss and make up. 461 00:22:34,901 --> 00:22:36,982 She's kidding. We're... I'm very... 462 00:22:36,987 --> 00:22:38,574 We kiss a lot though, so it's weird. 463 00:22:38,574 --> 00:22:40,205 In high school, we dated briefly. 464 00:22:40,210 --> 00:22:41,743 Yeah, and recently, we made out. 465 00:22:43,565 --> 00:22:44,749 She's kidding. 466 00:22:54,807 --> 00:22:56,043 What about this one? 467 00:22:56,043 --> 00:22:58,715 Maybe he has use to me in the bunker? 468 00:22:58,949 --> 00:23:02,489 - Can you cook? - Sure, I cook every night. 469 00:23:02,494 --> 00:23:04,126 - Pie? - Vegetables. 470 00:23:04,126 --> 00:23:05,799 Raw, if I can, for the nutrients. 471 00:23:05,804 --> 00:23:08,619 - I... - Like to eat healthy stuff. 472 00:23:08,752 --> 00:23:09,977 Pass. 473 00:23:09,982 --> 00:23:13,678 I would rather just fill the bunker with bales of hay. 474 00:23:13,678 --> 00:23:17,185 Time to separate the boys from the men from the girls. 475 00:23:18,789 --> 00:23:21,580 Risk taker, interesting. 476 00:23:21,936 --> 00:23:25,818 I'll raise. Better be careful. 477 00:23:25,823 --> 00:23:28,040 Don't want you to go broke again. 478 00:23:28,040 --> 00:23:30,588 Broke? What you talking about? 479 00:23:31,239 --> 00:23:35,049 Rumor has it our doctor lost all his money six years ago. 480 00:23:35,252 --> 00:23:37,580 Tried to sell his cabin to my uncle. 481 00:23:38,165 --> 00:23:39,935 I did not sell my cabin. 482 00:23:39,940 --> 00:23:41,868 Yeah, you backed out of the deal, 483 00:23:41,873 --> 00:23:44,588 which is why I'll enjoy taking all your money tonight. 484 00:23:44,869 --> 00:23:46,068 No one can figure out 485 00:23:46,073 --> 00:23:48,849 how you managed to hang on to that place. 486 00:23:49,002 --> 00:23:51,107 - You getting all this? - I'm getting it. 487 00:23:51,112 --> 00:23:52,932 - Anybody got some gum? - No, no, no, no, no. 488 00:23:52,937 --> 00:23:54,190 I can sure use a piece of gum. 489 00:23:55,022 --> 00:23:56,659 I had an onion sandwich. 490 00:23:56,664 --> 00:23:58,291 It's in everybody's best interest. 491 00:23:58,820 --> 00:24:00,150 Don't mind me. 492 00:24:00,155 --> 00:24:02,938 I'm just gonna rake in this pile of chips here. 493 00:24:03,244 --> 00:24:06,250 The good news is when I do win, all of this money 494 00:24:06,250 --> 00:24:09,724 is going into making a Patience tourism commercial. 495 00:24:10,993 --> 00:24:12,963 This little guy, huh? 496 00:24:14,537 --> 00:24:16,752 - Oh, my. - There it is. 497 00:24:17,135 --> 00:24:19,944 The mayor can transmogrify matter. 498 00:24:19,944 --> 00:24:22,159 He must be part Anunnaki. 499 00:24:22,978 --> 00:24:25,377 Maybe Mayor Snowflake lives. 500 00:24:25,856 --> 00:24:27,860 His skill could be useful in the bunker 501 00:24:27,860 --> 00:24:30,298 if there's a stray rodent or a clogged toilet. 502 00:24:34,105 --> 00:24:35,843 Question. 503 00:24:35,843 --> 00:24:37,252 In your medical opinion, you know, 504 00:24:37,257 --> 00:24:38,716 as far as safety goes, 505 00:24:38,721 --> 00:24:42,975 how long can someone choke a person during sex? 506 00:24:44,689 --> 00:24:46,295 Pass. 507 00:24:46,748 --> 00:24:48,475 We can talk Tuesday about it. 508 00:24:52,242 --> 00:24:53,643 All right, Deputy. I'm in the men's room. 509 00:24:53,647 --> 00:24:55,682 All clear, go ahead and give me a double honk, 510 00:24:55,682 --> 00:24:57,482 so I know you still hear everything all right. 511 00:24:58,220 --> 00:24:59,381 Okay, listen. 512 00:24:59,553 --> 00:25:01,426 We need to find out more about this cabin 513 00:25:01,426 --> 00:25:03,400 and Harry's money problems, so I need you 514 00:25:03,405 --> 00:25:05,067 to find the realtor that was handling the deal. 515 00:25:05,067 --> 00:25:07,207 And then we need to set up an undercover recon mission. 516 00:25:07,211 --> 00:25:08,380 Do you copy? 517 00:25:08,738 --> 00:25:10,212 Okay, good. 518 00:25:10,217 --> 00:25:13,752 Deputy, it's time for a little unofficial sheriff's business, 519 00:25:13,752 --> 00:25:16,665 so you might want to get off this channel 520 00:25:16,670 --> 00:25:18,397 for just a couple minutes. 521 00:25:24,597 --> 00:25:28,350 Candle equipment. 522 00:25:29,216 --> 00:25:33,324 That's not a real IOU. Your candles are garbage. 523 00:25:33,324 --> 00:25:34,827 Well, five stars on Etsy, Ellen. 524 00:25:34,827 --> 00:25:36,898 I think the general public would disagree. 525 00:25:36,898 --> 00:25:39,704 Yeah, I have one. It's rotten bathrobe scent. 526 00:25:39,798 --> 00:25:41,233 That's cardamom. 527 00:25:41,238 --> 00:25:43,233 Don't you usually keep your bets under a quarter? 528 00:25:43,238 --> 00:25:46,045 Yes, I do, John, but I need to make this commercial. 529 00:25:46,050 --> 00:25:49,347 And with these cards, I cannot lose. 530 00:25:49,891 --> 00:25:53,230 - You lose. - So do you. 531 00:25:53,660 --> 00:25:55,134 Thanks for your money. 532 00:25:55,134 --> 00:25:57,342 You can keep your bathrobe candle. 533 00:25:58,880 --> 00:26:00,613 How did that happen? 534 00:26:00,946 --> 00:26:03,475 No, I was supposed to win! 535 00:26:04,108 --> 00:26:05,733 Oh, my God! 536 00:26:07,158 --> 00:26:09,095 Should have kept that in the museum, bro. 537 00:26:09,366 --> 00:26:12,108 Your grandfather's table is crap. 538 00:26:19,960 --> 00:26:22,335 Now, undercover work is all about the backstory, right? 539 00:26:22,340 --> 00:26:24,627 So let's just take a minute to get ours straight, okay? 540 00:26:24,632 --> 00:26:27,064 Now, my name is Justin Preacher, all right. 541 00:26:27,069 --> 00:26:29,302 You're my wife, Mrs. Justin Preacher, okay. 542 00:26:29,302 --> 00:26:31,460 Now, I was a starting pitcher for the Atlanta Braves 543 00:26:31,465 --> 00:26:33,450 until I tore my ACL back in 2007, 544 00:26:33,455 --> 00:26:35,893 but I transitioned right into sports broadcasting, 545 00:26:35,898 --> 00:26:38,236 was an overnight sensation for an Atlanta affiliate, 546 00:26:38,236 --> 00:26:41,550 and we moved out here because I just got a lucrative contract 547 00:26:41,555 --> 00:26:43,525 for a satellite radio station nearby. 548 00:26:43,530 --> 00:26:46,259 I'm also a licensed pilot, and I'm a horse rancher. 549 00:26:46,264 --> 00:26:49,625 - Huh, okay, quite a life. - Mm-hmm. 550 00:26:49,625 --> 00:26:51,721 - And me? - Oh, you? 551 00:26:51,726 --> 00:26:53,409 You got the most important job in the world. 552 00:26:53,413 --> 00:26:54,668 You a stay-at-home mom 553 00:26:54,668 --> 00:26:57,377 to our three kids Alvin, Simon, and Theodore. 554 00:26:57,382 --> 00:26:58,688 Actually, you know what? Scratch that. 555 00:26:58,692 --> 00:27:01,011 Now, I wasn't gonna say nothing, but you looking a little tired. 556 00:27:01,015 --> 00:27:02,718 Probably got like five kids. 557 00:27:03,499 --> 00:27:05,786 Ooh, this is nice. 558 00:27:05,958 --> 00:27:09,231 Well, hello there. I am Bonnie Shaw. 559 00:27:09,231 --> 00:27:11,236 - I'm showing the house today. - Hi. 560 00:27:11,241 --> 00:27:13,510 Justine Preacher. How do you do? 561 00:27:13,515 --> 00:27:15,945 I'm a big-time sports broadcaster. 562 00:27:15,945 --> 00:27:18,483 This is my cute, little husband Mr. Preacher. 563 00:27:18,483 --> 00:27:20,760 He stays at home with our five kids. 564 00:27:20,765 --> 00:27:22,960 And that's why he looks so tired. 565 00:27:22,965 --> 00:27:28,530 Wow, let's take a look at the kitchen first, Mr. Mom. 566 00:27:28,535 --> 00:27:31,046 It's every homemaker's dream. Come on. 567 00:27:31,051 --> 00:27:33,397 Yeah, well, I'm also a licensed helicopter pilot, 568 00:27:33,402 --> 00:27:35,522 and I put out fires with swimming pool water. 569 00:27:35,527 --> 00:27:38,323 Well, you must be busy. 570 00:27:40,406 --> 00:27:42,754 This is nice, 571 00:27:42,759 --> 00:27:46,641 but we were looking for something a little more rustic. 572 00:27:46,646 --> 00:27:49,768 Do you know anything about that red cabin off of Cove Road, 573 00:27:49,773 --> 00:27:51,180 over in Patience? 574 00:27:51,185 --> 00:27:53,776 It's got a private beach. We saw it online. 575 00:27:53,781 --> 00:27:56,520 It's funny you should ask. That's the Vanderspeigle cabin. 576 00:27:56,520 --> 00:27:58,491 I listed that myself a couple years ago, 577 00:27:58,491 --> 00:28:00,495 and it's off the market right now, 578 00:28:00,495 --> 00:28:03,746 but sometimes, owners can be convinced. 579 00:28:04,001 --> 00:28:06,574 You know, honestly, the doc who owns it, 580 00:28:06,579 --> 00:28:07,849 he might be a little bit of work. 581 00:28:07,853 --> 00:28:09,423 He's a real mystery. 582 00:28:09,428 --> 00:28:10,463 So you know him? 583 00:28:10,581 --> 00:28:11,917 Oh, honey, 584 00:28:11,917 --> 00:28:14,637 knowing everything about my clients is my business. 585 00:28:15,458 --> 00:28:16,627 I like that. 586 00:28:23,941 --> 00:28:25,444 - Hey. - Hey. 587 00:28:25,444 --> 00:28:26,924 How's it going? 588 00:28:26,929 --> 00:28:29,046 It's all right. I'm just waiting for my mom. 589 00:28:29,051 --> 00:28:32,826 She's shopping for towels. 590 00:28:32,826 --> 00:28:36,867 Oh, cool, so what's new? 591 00:28:36,867 --> 00:28:39,573 - I got my driver's license. - Whoa. 592 00:28:39,573 --> 00:28:41,944 I can't really parallel park for shit, but... 593 00:28:41,944 --> 00:28:43,284 - Me neither. - Jay. 594 00:28:43,289 --> 00:28:46,982 Honey, why don't you go start the car? 595 00:28:47,096 --> 00:28:49,245 - You can drive us home. - Cool. 596 00:28:49,726 --> 00:28:51,563 - Later. - Later. 597 00:28:53,474 --> 00:28:57,282 I always wondered if I would ever meet Jay's birth mother. 598 00:28:57,337 --> 00:29:02,180 I wanted to someday, but reuniting a child 599 00:29:02,185 --> 00:29:05,085 with her birth parent is up to the child. 600 00:29:05,090 --> 00:29:06,510 You know that, right? 601 00:29:07,635 --> 00:29:09,760 Um... 602 00:29:10,134 --> 00:29:12,539 I'm sorry. What I did was wrong. 603 00:29:12,539 --> 00:29:17,515 It's just there she was, you know, like, at the clinic 604 00:29:17,515 --> 00:29:22,859 asking for work-study, and, well, I crossed a line. 605 00:29:22,859 --> 00:29:24,596 I just really wanted to help her. 606 00:29:24,596 --> 00:29:27,354 I will never stop Jay from wanting to be in your life, 607 00:29:27,359 --> 00:29:31,237 but she has to be the one to cross the street, not you. 608 00:29:33,117 --> 00:29:34,784 I know. 609 00:29:37,372 --> 00:29:38,536 Okay. 610 00:29:46,607 --> 00:29:48,968 So six years ago, he puts his cabin on the market 611 00:29:48,973 --> 00:29:50,341 - 'cause he needs the money. - Mm-hmm. 612 00:29:50,345 --> 00:29:52,519 Only to turn around and pay the whole damn thing off 613 00:29:52,524 --> 00:29:54,160 in cash one week later? 614 00:29:54,165 --> 00:29:56,269 Half a million in cash. 615 00:29:56,274 --> 00:29:58,238 That's some shady shit right there. 616 00:29:59,017 --> 00:30:01,149 Do you think he's a contract killer? 617 00:30:01,527 --> 00:30:02,962 Now, that's a good guess. 618 00:30:03,158 --> 00:30:04,282 Man, ain't no honest man 619 00:30:04,287 --> 00:30:05,693 got that much liquid just laying around. 620 00:30:05,697 --> 00:30:07,234 Hell, I only got 90K in the bank, 621 00:30:07,234 --> 00:30:09,004 and that's just for emergencies. 622 00:30:09,004 --> 00:30:10,930 90,000? 623 00:30:10,935 --> 00:30:14,676 That's... seems like a lot. 624 00:30:14,715 --> 00:30:15,851 Eh. 625 00:30:17,855 --> 00:30:19,415 Is there a problem, Deputy? 626 00:30:19,420 --> 00:30:21,891 Oh, it just needs a new starter. 627 00:30:21,996 --> 00:30:23,688 My mechanic can do it for parts, 628 00:30:23,693 --> 00:30:28,369 but I don't have the $65. 629 00:30:28,374 --> 00:30:29,594 Oh. 630 00:30:30,942 --> 00:30:34,617 Well, you know, I was probably rounding up to that 90 anyway. 631 00:30:34,622 --> 00:30:37,509 It's probably somewhere like, I don't know, 85, 87. 632 00:30:37,514 --> 00:30:39,454 Just enough for a rainy day. 633 00:30:39,459 --> 00:30:40,828 Mm-hmm. 634 00:30:40,833 --> 00:30:43,993 Okay, I'ma get out and push. 635 00:30:53,669 --> 00:30:54,705 I think it's cool you're gonna 636 00:30:54,709 --> 00:30:56,696 make a commercial for Patience. 637 00:30:56,701 --> 00:30:59,507 Yeah, maybe if I show some pretty pictures 638 00:30:59,512 --> 00:31:01,750 of our town, people will want to come visit. 639 00:31:01,960 --> 00:31:03,462 - They already do. - Hm? 640 00:31:03,468 --> 00:31:05,704 My friend Scott said all his California cousins 641 00:31:05,709 --> 00:31:07,837 want to come here this summer to see dead bodies. 642 00:31:07,842 --> 00:31:10,141 - What? - Wait, or a murder. 643 00:31:10,146 --> 00:31:12,266 Hey, maybe I can play a dead guy in your commercial. 644 00:31:12,271 --> 00:31:13,884 No, no dead guys. 645 00:31:13,889 --> 00:31:18,209 Max, Patience is a beautiful and safe... very safe town. 646 00:31:18,214 --> 00:31:20,063 There are no dead bodies here. 647 00:31:20,625 --> 00:31:23,531 And this is where our town doctor 648 00:31:23,536 --> 00:31:25,907 was brutally murdered by his wife. 649 00:31:25,912 --> 00:31:29,186 The doctor who replaced him went missing, 650 00:31:29,191 --> 00:31:31,963 but we expect his body to turn up any day now. 651 00:31:31,968 --> 00:31:34,493 Oh, don't forget to enter the corpse raffle. 652 00:31:34,498 --> 00:31:38,102 - What the hell is this? - Look, everyone. 653 00:31:38,107 --> 00:31:40,946 It's our town mayor, Ben Hawthorne. 654 00:31:40,951 --> 00:31:43,924 Great-great-grandson of Dickie Hawthorne 655 00:31:43,929 --> 00:31:47,445 who died the day the mine collapsed, 656 00:31:47,450 --> 00:31:50,063 but not with his fellow miners. 657 00:31:50,068 --> 00:31:53,102 No, Dickie called in sick that day. 658 00:31:53,107 --> 00:31:55,477 His wife found him in the whorehouse 659 00:31:55,482 --> 00:31:57,337 and shot him in the face. 660 00:31:57,855 --> 00:32:00,688 - I'm related to him. - No, just an old rumor, buddy. 661 00:32:00,693 --> 00:32:02,235 Old rumor, not true. 662 00:32:02,240 --> 00:32:04,745 We're walking. Come on. 663 00:32:04,750 --> 00:32:06,821 Take your pictures if you'd like. 664 00:32:10,098 --> 00:32:11,751 Come on. Let's get a move on, Deputy. 665 00:32:11,756 --> 00:32:14,918 Sir, you're not gonna believe who just returned my call. 666 00:32:15,032 --> 00:32:19,001 St. Helens Hospital said Dr. Vanderspeigle was disciplined 667 00:32:19,006 --> 00:32:21,946 after they found him in a lab he wasn't authorized to be in. 668 00:32:21,951 --> 00:32:23,422 And do you know what they kept stored there? 669 00:32:23,426 --> 00:32:25,087 - What? - Botulinum toxin. 670 00:32:25,092 --> 00:32:27,766 Are you shitting me? Damn. 671 00:32:27,771 --> 00:32:30,016 We might have put the wrong person behind bars. 672 00:32:30,491 --> 00:32:33,009 Looks like it's time to talk to Dr. Vanderspeigle. 673 00:32:33,014 --> 00:32:34,282 - Yeah. - But first, 674 00:32:34,287 --> 00:32:35,625 I have to drop off this dry cleaning. 675 00:32:35,629 --> 00:32:38,032 What? Justice doesn't wait for no dry cleaning. 676 00:32:38,037 --> 00:32:40,008 It's half-price Tuesdays. 677 00:32:40,242 --> 00:32:41,602 This is some shit here. 678 00:32:41,607 --> 00:32:43,649 People, stay together. We have a lot to see. 679 00:32:43,654 --> 00:32:44,813 Oh, my God. 680 00:32:44,818 --> 00:32:47,924 Oh, another special treat today. 681 00:32:47,982 --> 00:32:51,134 Here we have the Patience sheriff 682 00:32:51,139 --> 00:32:56,705 who single-handedly put the wife of Sam Hodges in jail. 683 00:32:56,819 --> 00:32:59,891 Rumor has it she's close to death in her prison cell, 684 00:32:59,896 --> 00:33:04,666 rats waiting to feast on her killer corpse. 685 00:33:04,888 --> 00:33:07,460 We're walking. Bye, handsome. 686 00:33:16,229 --> 00:33:18,229 _ 687 00:33:21,467 --> 00:33:23,509 You're listening to 102.6, 688 00:33:23,514 --> 00:33:25,455 and we have a special listener request on the line. 689 00:33:25,459 --> 00:33:27,142 What do you want us to play? 690 00:33:27,147 --> 00:33:29,517 Hey, I'd like you to play The Breeders' "Off You" 691 00:33:29,522 --> 00:33:30,892 for my best friend Asta, 692 00:33:30,897 --> 00:33:33,587 and tell her, if she needs me, I'll always come running. 693 00:33:33,592 --> 00:33:37,642 Wait, I know this voice. D'arcy? 694 00:33:38,450 --> 00:33:42,146 D'arcy? No, this Sasha. Hello, yes. 695 00:33:42,151 --> 00:33:44,724 Yeah, D'arcy. We dated for five months. 696 00:33:44,729 --> 00:33:47,529 I think I know your voice, and the night we broke up 697 00:33:47,534 --> 00:33:49,326 you stole six bottles of wine out of my fridge. 698 00:33:49,330 --> 00:33:51,601 I don't have no stealing wine. 699 00:33:51,606 --> 00:33:54,512 Only vodka, so okay. Play song for best friend. 700 00:33:54,517 --> 00:33:55,685 - Jesus. - And then go. 701 00:33:55,690 --> 00:33:58,716 Fine. Here's The Breeders, I guess. 702 00:34:38,469 --> 00:34:40,013 Harry? 703 00:34:45,443 --> 00:34:47,083 Hello? 704 00:34:47,853 --> 00:34:50,125 What's the big surprise? 705 00:35:03,850 --> 00:35:05,450 Harry? 706 00:35:12,345 --> 00:35:13,568 Harry? 707 00:35:16,377 --> 00:35:18,224 Harry? 708 00:35:29,316 --> 00:35:31,052 What the hell is this? 709 00:35:31,057 --> 00:35:36,435 My survival shelter and your new home. 710 00:35:38,416 --> 00:35:40,453 You can choose the rugs. 711 00:35:46,271 --> 00:35:50,426 Why do you have a fallout shelter under your house? 712 00:35:50,431 --> 00:35:55,325 I built it for us, so that we can be safe 713 00:35:55,330 --> 00:35:58,138 when my people come to kill everyone. 714 00:35:58,143 --> 00:35:59,613 What? 715 00:35:59,684 --> 00:36:02,016 Oh, I forgot to tell you. 716 00:36:02,021 --> 00:36:04,793 My people are coming to kill everyone. 717 00:36:04,793 --> 00:36:06,013 When? 718 00:36:06,018 --> 00:36:09,859 Octopus thinks it may be a matter of weeks. 719 00:36:09,864 --> 00:36:11,301 Whoops. 720 00:36:11,402 --> 00:36:13,153 Hello again, stupid human. 721 00:36:13,158 --> 00:36:15,153 God, I hate when you do that. 722 00:36:15,377 --> 00:36:18,708 The bathroom will be over here 723 00:36:18,713 --> 00:36:22,489 if they come before I get a real toilet, 724 00:36:23,731 --> 00:36:25,902 we can use this bucket. 725 00:36:26,318 --> 00:36:28,039 It is unisex. 726 00:36:28,039 --> 00:36:32,565 Oh, and I am getting a cow if I can figure out 727 00:36:32,570 --> 00:36:34,808 how to get it through the opening. 728 00:36:34,813 --> 00:36:37,685 - You're joking, right? - You are right. 729 00:36:37,690 --> 00:36:39,795 The opening is too small. 730 00:36:40,703 --> 00:36:43,064 I may get a baby cow and raise it. 731 00:36:43,069 --> 00:36:46,075 Harry, this is not okay. 732 00:36:46,075 --> 00:36:47,813 This was all supposed to be over with. 733 00:36:47,813 --> 00:36:49,471 Why are your people coming? 734 00:36:49,476 --> 00:36:53,205 They are... how did you put it? 735 00:36:53,210 --> 00:36:56,510 Oh, it was "eager to fry all you Earth pigs." 736 00:36:58,092 --> 00:36:59,763 That. 737 00:37:00,533 --> 00:37:02,432 I can't do this. No, no, no. 738 00:37:02,437 --> 00:37:05,711 You expect me to live underground with you for weeks? 739 00:37:05,716 --> 00:37:08,994 Oh, no. It will be at least a year. 740 00:37:09,284 --> 00:37:13,292 I know that you like the out-of-doors. 741 00:37:13,449 --> 00:37:15,387 I painted you a window. 742 00:37:15,392 --> 00:37:18,732 You can enjoy the beautiful Colorado scenery. 743 00:37:22,018 --> 00:37:24,425 Feel the breeze. 744 00:37:26,237 --> 00:37:27,821 Those are dead people. 745 00:37:27,826 --> 00:37:29,768 That is the stupid boy. 746 00:37:29,773 --> 00:37:34,425 You cannot see his frown because my brush was too thick. 747 00:37:35,574 --> 00:37:37,812 Nope, this isn't happening. I'm not doing it. 748 00:37:37,812 --> 00:37:39,650 I'm not living in a hole in the ground with you 749 00:37:39,650 --> 00:37:41,221 and that octo-thing. 750 00:37:41,226 --> 00:37:42,383 Oh, wait. 751 00:37:42,388 --> 00:37:43,402 Well, that's fine with me. 752 00:37:43,406 --> 00:37:44,851 You think I want to spend the next year 753 00:37:44,855 --> 00:37:46,457 watching you shit in a bucket? 754 00:37:46,462 --> 00:37:47,698 Shh-shh! 755 00:37:47,703 --> 00:37:49,229 Huh. 756 00:37:50,103 --> 00:37:52,596 Don't go. It will be fun. 757 00:37:52,909 --> 00:37:56,159 Octopus knows so many cuttlefish jokes. 758 00:37:56,164 --> 00:37:57,814 They are so stuck up. 759 00:37:57,819 --> 00:37:59,790 You're not taking me seriously. 760 00:37:59,790 --> 00:38:01,660 Pizza. 761 00:38:01,983 --> 00:38:04,522 You have to do something about this, 762 00:38:05,000 --> 00:38:08,139 and hiding us underground for a year isn't it. 763 00:38:08,396 --> 00:38:10,690 You're an alien. You know, phone home. 764 00:38:10,695 --> 00:38:12,440 Call them, and tell them not to come. 765 00:38:13,428 --> 00:38:16,769 Did I tell you that we are going to have all 20 seasons 766 00:38:16,774 --> 00:38:18,823 of "Law & Order" to watch? 767 00:38:19,168 --> 00:38:20,693 Oh, God. 768 00:38:20,698 --> 00:38:23,346 I would rather die than be on this planet with just you. 769 00:38:24,133 --> 00:38:27,072 - Rude. - You don't get it. 770 00:38:27,077 --> 00:38:29,616 So what, I'm just supposed to come out after the apocalypse, 771 00:38:29,616 --> 00:38:31,162 and everyone I know is dead? 772 00:38:31,167 --> 00:38:33,409 I'm here all alone? 773 00:38:33,824 --> 00:38:35,728 Also rude. 774 00:38:35,728 --> 00:38:40,404 I'm talking about my family. What about Dad and D'arcy? 775 00:38:40,409 --> 00:38:42,036 What about Jay? 776 00:38:42,185 --> 00:38:44,287 God, no. Don't you understand? 777 00:38:44,292 --> 00:38:47,012 I can't live here if I have to live without all of them. 778 00:38:47,017 --> 00:38:48,955 So there you go, call them, 779 00:38:48,955 --> 00:38:51,381 and tell them not to come, or I will just die. 780 00:38:51,724 --> 00:38:53,592 I know what this is. 781 00:38:54,605 --> 00:38:57,763 You are bluffing, like in poker. 782 00:39:00,510 --> 00:39:02,416 No, I'm not! 783 00:39:02,900 --> 00:39:04,987 I would rather stand under your stupid planet's death ray 784 00:39:04,987 --> 00:39:06,556 and explode into a million pieces 785 00:39:06,556 --> 00:39:09,041 than spend one second in that hole with you. 786 00:39:09,335 --> 00:39:11,094 She is good at bluffing. 787 00:39:11,099 --> 00:39:13,203 I could possibly contact them, 788 00:39:13,203 --> 00:39:16,042 but I want to kill all the bags of douches. 789 00:39:16,206 --> 00:39:18,644 It is my turn to bluff. 790 00:39:20,045 --> 00:39:24,106 It's impossible. I cannot contact them. 791 00:39:24,111 --> 00:39:25,527 Now you're bluffing. 792 00:39:25,527 --> 00:39:26,997 I am bad at bluffing. 793 00:39:26,997 --> 00:39:31,640 Okay, okay. I'll call your bluff. 794 00:39:34,269 --> 00:39:37,546 If you don't mind that I die, good. 795 00:39:37,706 --> 00:39:41,647 - What are you doing? - I think I'll take a bath. 796 00:39:44,131 --> 00:39:48,180 You are not really going to electrocute yourself. 797 00:39:52,942 --> 00:39:55,735 I've got the toaster all plugged in. 798 00:39:56,821 --> 00:39:59,183 Whoo, nice and warm. Really good way to go out. 799 00:39:59,188 --> 00:40:00,368 Call it off, Harry. 800 00:40:00,373 --> 00:40:02,391 I told you I cannot. 801 00:40:03,003 --> 00:40:06,258 I do not like this game. The stakes are too high. 802 00:40:06,744 --> 00:40:09,399 You are not really in the bathtub. 803 00:40:09,675 --> 00:40:10,798 If the toaster is plugged in, 804 00:40:10,802 --> 00:40:12,717 it is because you are making toast. 805 00:40:12,722 --> 00:40:13,991 Asta. 806 00:40:15,828 --> 00:40:17,985 You didn't bring the bread. 807 00:40:21,475 --> 00:40:23,713 This is very dangerous. 808 00:40:23,978 --> 00:40:26,454 Then agree to call your people. 809 00:40:26,459 --> 00:40:27,704 Okay. 810 00:40:35,361 --> 00:40:37,967 It went straight to voicemail. 811 00:40:39,192 --> 00:40:40,922 Goodbye, Harry. 812 00:40:48,441 --> 00:40:50,860 See? I knew you didn't want me to die. 813 00:40:50,865 --> 00:40:52,777 You just took your damn time showing it. 814 00:40:52,782 --> 00:40:55,207 Of course I do not want you to die. 815 00:40:56,128 --> 00:40:59,602 I will try to build a radio to contact my people. 816 00:41:01,576 --> 00:41:04,016 Be careful getting out of the tub. 817 00:41:04,235 --> 00:41:05,795 Don't slip. 818 00:41:05,852 --> 00:41:08,586 Coming from you, that's a very sweet thing to say. 819 00:41:10,137 --> 00:41:12,876 I'm going to go eat pizza now. 820 00:41:26,086 --> 00:41:27,834 I'm just gonna keep knocking. 821 00:41:27,839 --> 00:41:29,810 I got hands that can knock all day. 822 00:41:31,613 --> 00:41:33,216 Dr. V., open up. 823 00:41:33,216 --> 00:41:35,621 We know you're in there. We need to speak with you. 824 00:41:35,733 --> 00:41:37,792 Don't make us come back with a search warrant. 825 00:41:40,631 --> 00:41:42,201 Hello, Asta, need to speak 826 00:41:42,201 --> 00:41:44,407 with Dr. Vanderspeigle about that severed foot. 827 00:41:44,412 --> 00:41:45,675 He's not here. 828 00:41:45,675 --> 00:41:47,645 Look, don't lie to me. 829 00:41:47,645 --> 00:41:50,436 We saw him eating pizza through the window when we rolled up. 830 00:41:50,685 --> 00:41:52,221 I'm not lying. 831 00:41:52,221 --> 00:41:54,571 Asta, I'm telling you this as a friend. 832 00:41:54,576 --> 00:41:55,995 Harry is not who you think he is. 833 00:41:55,995 --> 00:41:58,366 He could be dangerous. Please don't protect him. 834 00:41:58,678 --> 00:42:00,209 Uh... 835 00:42:01,459 --> 00:42:03,376 Maybe come back later? 836 00:42:03,381 --> 00:42:04,846 Look, if I have to arrest you 837 00:42:04,846 --> 00:42:06,704 for obstruction of justice, I will. 838 00:42:06,709 --> 00:42:09,100 Talking about some "come back later." 839 00:42:09,443 --> 00:42:12,264 Shit! What the hell is this? 840 00:42:13,740 --> 00:42:15,157 Hold on. 841 00:42:24,871 --> 00:42:28,250 Oh, my goodness. Well, I'll be. 842 00:42:28,507 --> 00:42:32,017 Deputy, what's that say right there? 843 00:42:32,262 --> 00:42:34,815 Botulinum toxin. The murder weapon. 844 00:42:34,820 --> 00:42:36,242 Oh, no. 845 00:42:36,242 --> 00:42:38,346 All right, look, I'ma ask you one more time. 846 00:42:38,719 --> 00:42:42,604 Where is he, Asta? Where is he, Asta? 847 00:42:44,124 --> 00:42:46,295 He went to hide in the cellar. 848 00:42:48,299 --> 00:42:49,890 You wait here. 849 00:42:51,061 --> 00:42:52,912 Dr. V.? 850 00:42:53,398 --> 00:42:55,347 Sheriff's department. We coming down into the cellar. 851 00:42:55,347 --> 00:42:57,017 I want you to put your hands above your head. 852 00:42:57,017 --> 00:43:00,023 You hear me? We're coming down here! 853 00:43:01,292 --> 00:43:04,799 Dr. Vanderspeigle, where you at? 854 00:43:04,804 --> 00:43:06,909 Whoa. What's with the guns? 855 00:43:09,408 --> 00:43:10,797 Asta? 856 00:43:11,078 --> 00:43:13,617 What in holy hell? 857 00:43:45,221 --> 00:43:48,221 Synced & corrected by QueenMaddie www.MY-SUBS.com 62766

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