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00:00:01,577 --> 00:00:04,319
-♪ Look up there ♪
-♪ What do you see? ♪
2
00:00:04,413 --> 00:00:05,912
♪ Nature and stuff ♪
3
00:00:05,913 --> 00:00:07,398
-♪ Like a rock ♪
-♪ And a tree ♪
4
00:00:07,399 --> 00:00:10,009
♪ Oh, the Great North ♪
5
00:00:10,236 --> 00:00:13,737
♪ Way up here,
you can breathe the air ♪
6
00:00:13,830 --> 00:00:14,970
♪ Catch some fish ♪
7
00:00:14,998 --> 00:00:16,573
♪ Or gaze at a bear ♪
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00:00:16,592 --> 00:00:17,665
♪ Wow ♪
9
00:00:17,760 --> 00:00:21,169
♪ Oh, the Great North ♪
10
00:00:21,170 --> 00:00:22,505
♪ Here we live, oh, oh ♪
11
00:00:22,506 --> 00:00:24,126
♪ Here we'll stay, oh, whoo ♪
12
00:00:24,127 --> 00:00:25,767
♪ From longest night
to longest day ♪
13
00:00:25,768 --> 00:00:29,528
♪ In the Great North. ♪
14
00:00:31,365 --> 00:00:33,181
[cheering]
15
00:00:33,182 --> 00:00:36,611
[Beef] Guys, I hope you're ready
for some big breakfast news
16
00:00:36,612 --> 00:00:40,097
because the scab on my knee
finally came off, and I realized
17
00:00:40,098 --> 00:00:42,042
it was actually
a tiny piece of beef jerky.
18
00:00:42,043 --> 00:00:45,211
What an absolutely perfect thing
to hear when I am eating bacon.
19
00:00:45,212 --> 00:00:48,272
And does anyone else have
something they'd like to share?
20
00:00:48,365 --> 00:00:50,107
Some big news? Maybe Ham?
21
00:00:50,125 --> 00:00:51,275
[gasps]
Dad!
22
00:00:51,276 --> 00:00:52,944
Come on, son,
you should be proud.
23
00:00:52,945 --> 00:00:54,386
Okay, well, it's no big deal,
24
00:00:54,387 --> 00:00:56,130
but you know
that cake competition
25
00:00:56,131 --> 00:00:57,705
Stodgy Roger's Crumb Off?
26
00:00:57,800 --> 00:00:59,116
Can confidently say
27
00:00:59,134 --> 00:01:00,225
-I do not.
-Really?
28
00:01:00,226 --> 00:01:01,710
It's always
on those online lists of
29
00:01:01,711 --> 00:01:02,787
top ten cake competitions
30
00:01:02,788 --> 00:01:04,805
in the subarctic zone.
31
00:01:04,957 --> 00:01:06,381
And I got in.
32
00:01:06,400 --> 00:01:07,715
Bake a leg, Ham.
33
00:01:07,716 --> 00:01:09,460
Make sure you bring the part
they don't eat home.
34
00:01:09,461 --> 00:01:11,386
And it's this weekend
in New Fork.
35
00:01:11,387 --> 00:01:13,406
-Hold up, New Fork?!
-What's New Fork?
36
00:01:13,407 --> 00:01:15,877
Oh, Honeybee, it's
a nearby town they converted
37
00:01:15,878 --> 00:01:17,560
to look like
a little Parisian city.
38
00:01:17,561 --> 00:01:19,637
They have a replica
of the Eiffel Tower that's
39
00:01:19,638 --> 00:01:22,897
a replica of the replica
of the Eiffel Tower in Vegas.
40
00:01:22,917 --> 00:01:24,975
Oh, I'd love
to go see it and, uh,
41
00:01:25,068 --> 00:01:27,477
see some of
Ham's Baking Bonanza thing.
42
00:01:27,571 --> 00:01:30,572
A trip to New Fork
really sparks my interest.
43
00:01:30,666 --> 00:01:33,408
-So you guys want to come?
-Of course they do.
44
00:01:33,409 --> 00:01:35,077
Tell 'em what
you're making, son.
45
00:01:35,078 --> 00:01:36,988
Well, this year's
competition theme
46
00:01:36,989 --> 00:01:39,172
is Alaskan Landmarks,
so I'll be making
47
00:01:39,266 --> 00:01:41,491
Horn E. Stewart's Honkytonk.
48
00:01:41,510 --> 00:01:43,660
You know,
the dive bar near Fairbanks?
49
00:01:43,661 --> 00:01:45,179
This is actually perfect timing.
50
00:01:45,180 --> 00:01:46,830
I've been looking for a splashy
51
00:01:46,831 --> 00:01:48,182
subject for
the documentary I need
52
00:01:48,183 --> 00:01:49,758
to make
for my Mixed Media class.
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00:01:49,759 --> 00:01:51,501
I'll call it My Octopus Baker.
54
00:01:51,502 --> 00:01:53,762
Ham, quick question,
would you be willing to
55
00:01:53,763 --> 00:01:56,098
dress as an octopus, fall
in love with me, and then die?
56
00:01:56,099 --> 00:01:59,176
Um, no? But I'd
still love for you to come.
57
00:01:59,269 --> 00:02:00,769
And, um, just to warn you guys,
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00:02:00,770 --> 00:02:02,346
while this is Alaska's premier
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00:02:02,364 --> 00:02:04,439
baking showcase,
it will be a long day
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00:02:04,440 --> 00:02:06,517
and you don't get to eat
any cake till the end.
61
00:02:06,518 --> 00:02:07,852
So if you don't want
to come, hey,
62
00:02:07,853 --> 00:02:08,795
you know, it's no big deal.
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00:02:08,796 --> 00:02:10,037
-[Dirt] Great.
-[all gasp]
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00:02:10,038 --> 00:02:11,371
Aunt Dirt, we've asked you
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00:02:11,448 --> 00:02:12,856
so many times to please stop
66
00:02:12,949 --> 00:02:14,449
sneaking up on us at breakfast.
67
00:02:14,468 --> 00:02:17,043
And I've told you so many times
that it's who I am.
68
00:02:17,196 --> 00:02:18,362
[belches]
Sorry.
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00:02:18,455 --> 00:02:20,121
I ate a chipmunk on my way over.
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00:02:20,122 --> 00:02:21,866
There are no chipmunks
in Alaska.
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00:02:21,867 --> 00:02:24,757
Well, I ate something, and
it squeaked the whole way down.
72
00:02:24,870 --> 00:02:26,478
[Kyle]
She's right over here,
73
00:02:26,479 --> 00:02:28,206
but I got to warn you,
she's a little rough.
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00:02:28,207 --> 00:02:30,197
That's all right.
We just need a vehicle
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00:02:30,209 --> 00:02:31,483
big enough for Ham's cake.
76
00:02:31,635 --> 00:02:34,544
The cakes for this competition
are huge showstoppers.
77
00:02:34,563 --> 00:02:37,305
I mean, the show won't stop,
but it will be tempted.
78
00:02:37,324 --> 00:02:39,883
Here she is.
I call her Sloppy Susan.
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00:02:39,902 --> 00:02:42,886
She was a Hollywood Star Tour
that spotted John Lithgow.
80
00:02:42,887 --> 00:02:44,722
Followed his car all
the way to Alaska.
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00:02:44,723 --> 00:02:46,649
Sloppy Susan here has got
a lot of problems,
82
00:02:46,650 --> 00:02:47,700
but don't we all?
83
00:02:47,701 --> 00:02:49,560
Bathroom doesn't work,
her brakes are shot,
84
00:02:49,561 --> 00:02:51,412
you'll have to jump her
to get her started,
85
00:02:51,413 --> 00:02:53,173
and then I wouldn't stop
until you get there.
86
00:02:53,174 --> 00:02:54,248
What do you think, Ham?
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00:02:54,249 --> 00:02:56,508
As Julia Child famously said,
88
00:02:56,660 --> 00:02:58,010
"I love this bus."
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00:02:58,161 --> 00:02:59,361
Thank you all for coming
90
00:02:59,362 --> 00:03:01,739
to our New Fork
transportation safety meeting.
91
00:03:01,740 --> 00:03:04,166
Ooh, exciting. This is
like in Ocean's Eleven when
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00:03:04,167 --> 00:03:05,243
they lay out the heist plan.
93
00:03:05,244 --> 00:03:06,502
I'll be driving, and since
94
00:03:06,503 --> 00:03:07,929
the cake won't fit
on the first floor,
95
00:03:07,930 --> 00:03:10,080
Wolf, Honeybee, Moon
and Aunt Dirt,
96
00:03:10,098 --> 00:03:12,524
you'll be upstairs
with Ham bracing the cake.
97
00:03:12,525 --> 00:03:15,010
Wasn't listening,
don't care, but sounds good.
98
00:03:15,011 --> 00:03:17,362
Now, the road to New Fork
is fairly smooth,
99
00:03:17,363 --> 00:03:19,682
but winter may have
produced new potholes
100
00:03:19,683 --> 00:03:22,093
and obstacles, so we should
keep an eye out for those,
101
00:03:22,094 --> 00:03:25,095
and this bus can slow
but should not stop.
102
00:03:25,113 --> 00:03:27,447
So here's the plan.
Here's our bus.
103
00:03:27,541 --> 00:03:32,436
We're gonna start it up and...
drive to New Fork carefully.
104
00:03:32,454 --> 00:03:34,604
Great visuals.
Feels like I'm there.
105
00:03:34,605 --> 00:03:36,958
Oh, so it's actually
more like the movie Speed,
106
00:03:36,959 --> 00:03:38,292
only without speed,
and Sandra Bullock is
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00:03:38,293 --> 00:03:39,885
-a big honkin' cake.
-Yes.
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00:03:39,886 --> 00:03:42,555
And we'll leave at noon sharp,
allowing a generous four hours
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00:03:42,556 --> 00:03:44,965
to make the two-hour drive
to New Fork.
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00:03:44,966 --> 00:03:47,118
-Sound good, Ham?
-Guys, don't worry about it.
111
00:03:47,119 --> 00:03:49,711
Noon is fine.
Or noon-ish. No big deal.
112
00:03:49,712 --> 00:03:52,398
We could get there even faster
if we took the shortcut down
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00:03:52,399 --> 00:03:54,140
Dead Man's Violent Death Road.
114
00:03:54,293 --> 00:03:56,793
As the name implies,
that road tends to really
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00:03:56,812 --> 00:03:58,645
ice over and is quite curvy.
116
00:03:58,646 --> 00:04:01,241
I don't want to take
any chances with Ham's creation.
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00:04:01,242 --> 00:04:02,799
Better safe than sorry.
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00:04:02,800 --> 00:04:04,244
Ooh, Dad, can you, uh,
say that line again,
119
00:04:04,245 --> 00:04:05,728
but just this time
right into camera?
120
00:04:05,729 --> 00:04:06,895
Like, right down the barrel.
121
00:04:06,896 --> 00:04:08,397
Feels like a fun trailer moment.
122
00:04:08,398 --> 00:04:10,748
Well, you know cameras
give me crazy anxiety,
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00:04:10,809 --> 00:04:12,900
and I often fart,
but I'll give it a shot.
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00:04:13,069 --> 00:04:14,327
Better safe than sorry.
125
00:04:14,328 --> 00:04:15,329
-[farts]
-[Dirt] Beef.
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00:04:15,330 --> 00:04:16,470
If you want to go again,
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00:04:16,482 --> 00:04:18,632
I will need to change my pants.
128
00:04:19,576 --> 00:04:20,650
Ham, how you doing?
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00:04:20,669 --> 00:04:21,985
In over your head and all
130
00:04:21,986 --> 00:04:23,321
-out of answers?
-What?
131
00:04:23,322 --> 00:04:24,579
No! I'm really excited.
132
00:04:24,580 --> 00:04:26,524
My whole family is
finally coming to support me
133
00:04:26,525 --> 00:04:28,826
at one of my competitions
and see me in action?
134
00:04:28,827 --> 00:04:31,252
This must be how
the Olsen twins felt from ages
135
00:04:31,346 --> 00:04:33,921
zero to 18,
and then never again.
136
00:04:33,922 --> 00:04:36,091
Okay, okay,
but don't you feel extremely
137
00:04:36,092 --> 00:04:38,002
anxious about
transporting a six-foot cake
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00:04:38,003 --> 00:04:40,279
across Alaska's barren
wasteland?
139
00:04:40,280 --> 00:04:41,930
I mean, isn't that
affecting you?
140
00:04:41,931 --> 00:04:43,840
I mean, I trust Dad
to drive safely.
141
00:04:43,841 --> 00:04:46,511
And we're gonna have four
people guarding it at all times.
142
00:04:46,512 --> 00:04:49,029
Hmm. And where are
all those people?
143
00:04:49,030 --> 00:04:51,182
Weren't you supposed
to leave an hour ago?
144
00:04:51,183 --> 00:04:52,700
Is your family always this late?
145
00:04:52,701 --> 00:04:54,869
Uh, well, I'm sure they'll be
here any minute. No big deal.
146
00:04:54,870 --> 00:04:57,279
Ugh. Listen, I love your whole
beleaguered son vibe,
147
00:04:57,280 --> 00:05:00,299
but could you please
Vanderpump it up a little bit?
148
00:05:00,300 --> 00:05:02,860
Would it kill you to call
a family member the meanest word
149
00:05:02,861 --> 00:05:05,287
you can think of? This is
my grade on the line, Ham.
150
00:05:05,288 --> 00:05:08,140
Hey, ogre here! [laughs]
151
00:05:08,141 --> 00:05:10,125
Two Shreks on deck,
and we're ready to roll.
152
00:05:10,126 --> 00:05:11,568
Oh, hi, guys. Uh...
153
00:05:11,570 --> 00:05:13,620
-why are you dressed that way?
-Oh, well...
154
00:05:13,621 --> 00:05:15,148
I was Bing-ing New Fork
attractions,
155
00:05:15,149 --> 00:05:17,299
and I found a Shrek
appreciation society there.
156
00:05:17,300 --> 00:05:19,802
As luck would have it,
they're hosting a Group Shrek
157
00:05:19,803 --> 00:05:22,563
event today, so we thought we'd
pop over during that boring part
158
00:05:22,564 --> 00:05:24,882
of the competition you mentioned
and then come right back.
159
00:05:24,883 --> 00:05:26,049
Oh. Sure.
160
00:05:26,050 --> 00:05:27,160
Okay. No big deal.
161
00:05:27,161 --> 00:05:28,976
-Honeybee, push me.
-[grunts]
162
00:05:29,071 --> 00:05:30,311
Good morning, family.
163
00:05:30,331 --> 00:05:32,739
Dad, why do you look so tired?
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00:05:32,833 --> 00:05:35,575
I'm fine. I was just
up all night doing a...
165
00:05:35,576 --> 00:05:38,153
-very important thing.
-[Judy] Really, Dad? 'Cause...
166
00:05:38,154 --> 00:05:39,897
I set up my camera to get
some B-roll shots overnight,
167
00:05:39,898 --> 00:05:43,567
and I have you on film
bingeing a TV show at 3:00 a.m.
168
00:05:43,585 --> 00:05:46,011
Mm. Mm-hmm. Oh, my.
169
00:05:46,088 --> 00:05:49,406
Okay, yes, I did get
drawn into a reality show.
170
00:05:49,407 --> 00:05:51,576
The night before the biggest
competition of my life?
171
00:05:51,577 --> 00:05:52,593
[weak laugh]
172
00:05:52,594 --> 00:05:54,519
Okay, well,
no big deal, I guess.
173
00:05:54,671 --> 00:05:57,672
Don't worry, Ham, I slept
for 14 minutes and had
174
00:05:57,691 --> 00:06:01,175
eight cups of coffee,
so now I am ready to die.
175
00:06:01,176 --> 00:06:02,862
-I think you mean "drive."
-That's the one.
176
00:06:02,863 --> 00:06:04,513
[Dirt]
Top o' the morning, nimrods.
177
00:06:04,514 --> 00:06:06,423
-Shotgun!
-[Judy] Uh, Aunt Dirt,
178
00:06:06,424 --> 00:06:08,183
what's in the gigantic
mysterious bag?
179
00:06:08,184 --> 00:06:11,111
Some baby carrots. Mind
your own business. Let's ride.
180
00:06:11,263 --> 00:06:12,537
[Ham]
Wolf, Honeybee,
181
00:06:12,689 --> 00:06:13,872
come on top to brace.
182
00:06:13,873 --> 00:06:16,209
Oh, uh, sorry, Ham,
it seems that we cannot
183
00:06:16,210 --> 00:06:17,650
get up the stairs in our suits.
184
00:06:17,769 --> 00:06:19,211
So we'll just stay here and
185
00:06:19,362 --> 00:06:21,195
help by... being Shreks.
186
00:06:21,196 --> 00:06:23,699
Uh, do you want to hear me say
"Get out of my swamp"?
187
00:06:23,700 --> 00:06:26,292
-Uh, sure.
-[with accent] Get outta my swamp.
188
00:06:26,387 --> 00:06:28,461
Okay, yeah, thanks.
That was helpful.
189
00:06:28,614 --> 00:06:30,722
All right, Dad,
I guess we're ready.
190
00:06:30,874 --> 00:06:32,799
[bus hisses]
191
00:06:32,893 --> 00:06:35,042
-[loud bang]
-[all cry out]
192
00:06:35,043 --> 00:06:36,470
I'm slipping! I'm slipping!
193
00:06:36,471 --> 00:06:37,805
-Don't let it hit the walls.
-[horn honking]
194
00:06:37,806 --> 00:06:38,897
What happened?!
195
00:06:38,898 --> 00:06:41,067
Looks like your dad
fell asleep at the wheel!
196
00:06:41,068 --> 00:06:42,175
[snoring]
197
00:06:42,327 --> 00:06:44,736
Oh, that's, uh, that's okay.
198
00:06:44,963 --> 00:06:47,130
[Judy]
But things were not okay.
199
00:06:47,149 --> 00:06:49,157
♪ Bum-bum-bum. ♪
200
00:06:53,305 --> 00:06:56,473
Well, luckily the engine is
still running, so there's that.
201
00:06:56,491 --> 00:06:58,491
Dad, I don't want
to sleep-shame you,
202
00:06:58,492 --> 00:07:00,402
but you're clearly
too tired to drive.
203
00:07:00,403 --> 00:07:01,996
Someone else needs
to take the wheel.
204
00:07:01,997 --> 00:07:03,589
Wolf and I have
no peripheral vision right now,
205
00:07:03,590 --> 00:07:05,757
and each of these hands
weighs 35 pounds.
206
00:07:05,984 --> 00:07:07,667
I'm more of an Adam Driver than
207
00:07:07,819 --> 00:07:09,002
a bus driver right now.
208
00:07:09,003 --> 00:07:10,596
I'm a person of film.
You know what I mean?
209
00:07:10,597 --> 00:07:13,432
I'll do it.
My license expired in 1965,
210
00:07:13,433 --> 00:07:16,160
but if we get pulled over,
I'll just show 'em my gams,
211
00:07:16,161 --> 00:07:18,012
and when they look down,
I'll start shooting.
212
00:07:18,013 --> 00:07:20,997
Okay, Dirt's out,
so that leaves me.
213
00:07:20,998 --> 00:07:23,017
I'm gonna drive myself
to my own competition.
214
00:07:23,018 --> 00:07:26,278
Dad does appear to be once again
asleep in that snowbank there.
215
00:07:26,429 --> 00:07:28,171
So let's get him up.
[strains]
216
00:07:28,264 --> 00:07:30,097
[Judy]
So, Ham, how's it going
217
00:07:30,117 --> 00:07:33,118
after that big crash
caused by your own father? Ugh.
218
00:07:33,119 --> 00:07:35,121
And, you know, don't be
afraid to use metaphor.
219
00:07:35,122 --> 00:07:36,847
I mean, make it your own,
but let's say if you feel like
220
00:07:36,848 --> 00:07:39,683
a butterfly in a cocoon or
a well that's run dry or...
221
00:07:39,776 --> 00:07:41,442
I'm fine. I'm just grateful
222
00:07:41,443 --> 00:07:43,445
-that everyone's now on
the bus and we're on our way.
223
00:07:43,446 --> 00:07:44,964
-[loud scream]
-Whoa. What the-
224
00:07:44,965 --> 00:07:47,650
[Judy] Oh, you know Dad sleep-
screams when he's overtired.
225
00:07:47,651 --> 00:07:49,210
Remember how Mom used
to make him sleep
226
00:07:49,211 --> 00:07:50,861
-with a rolled-up sock
in his mouth? -[screams]
227
00:07:50,862 --> 00:07:53,530
Ugh, this doc could use
a little more juicy drama.
228
00:07:53,531 --> 00:07:55,457
I'm sorta looking for, like,
in The Jinx,
229
00:07:55,458 --> 00:07:57,310
when that guy burped
his way to prison.
230
00:07:57,311 --> 00:07:58,552
You got anything like that?
231
00:07:58,553 --> 00:08:01,462
Hmm. I could do a regular
non-prison burp.
232
00:08:01,463 --> 00:08:04,041
Ugh. You know what? As
a documentarian, I need to let
233
00:08:04,042 --> 00:08:05,559
my camera tell me
where the story is,
234
00:08:05,560 --> 00:08:06,819
and you know what she's
telling me?
235
00:08:06,820 --> 00:08:08,320
It's time to go to the bathroom
236
00:08:08,321 --> 00:08:09,730
and start the confessionals.
237
00:08:09,731 --> 00:08:11,807
Moon's watching the cake
by himself upstairs,
238
00:08:11,808 --> 00:08:13,400
and we got
a smooth patch of road,
239
00:08:13,401 --> 00:08:15,069
so you're getting five minutes
and not a second more.
240
00:08:15,070 --> 00:08:17,071
-[chittering]
-Aah! Charles Chaplin's taint!
241
00:08:17,072 --> 00:08:19,499
-What the hell?
-Oh, ha, yeah. I forgot to tell you
242
00:08:19,500 --> 00:08:21,316
there's definitely
something living in there.
243
00:08:21,317 --> 00:08:23,077
-I'll get my gun.
-Oh, no, that's okay.
244
00:08:23,078 --> 00:08:24,987
I just put a little bit
of Nerds Rope down there,
245
00:08:24,988 --> 00:08:26,798
and whatever it is
has settled down.
246
00:08:26,898 --> 00:08:29,156
Now let's talk.
What's in the bag?
247
00:08:29,157 --> 00:08:30,735
Okay, Fancy Drew, I'll tell you.
248
00:08:30,736 --> 00:08:32,512
What's in the bag
has to do with the real
249
00:08:32,513 --> 00:08:35,162
reason I'm hitching
a ride to New Fork: revenge.
250
00:08:35,163 --> 00:08:36,707
Now, this is what I've
been looking for.
251
00:08:36,708 --> 00:08:38,834
Weave me a cross-stitch
with your memories.
252
00:08:38,835 --> 00:08:40,410
It all started a few years
253
00:08:40,503 --> 00:08:43,855
before I went into the bunker.
It was 1962.
254
00:08:44,007 --> 00:08:46,082
I was walking
around the woods one day
255
00:08:46,083 --> 00:08:47,601
when something caught my eye.
256
00:08:47,602 --> 00:08:50,420
It was a basketball,
but not just any basketball.
257
00:08:50,438 --> 00:08:52,680
A pristine,
straight-out-of-the-box,
258
00:08:52,774 --> 00:08:54,232
clean as hell basketball.
259
00:08:54,233 --> 00:08:56,093
I was headed to a Hula-Hoop
party that night,
260
00:08:56,094 --> 00:08:59,445
and I couldn't wait to dazzle
the dames with my unusual find.
261
00:08:59,446 --> 00:09:01,949
But a little later,
I stopped by the post office
262
00:09:01,950 --> 00:09:04,600
to buy a thousand stamps
for a penny and mail a pistol
263
00:09:04,601 --> 00:09:07,362
to my niece for her christening,
when I saw my friend Hilda.
264
00:09:07,363 --> 00:09:08,880
I told her about the ball.
265
00:09:08,881 --> 00:09:11,959
Then, that night at the party
I see Hilda holding a pristine,
266
00:09:11,960 --> 00:09:14,611
straight-out-of-the-box
basketball.
267
00:09:14,612 --> 00:09:17,114
Claimed she found it sitting
in the woods, just like me.
268
00:09:17,115 --> 00:09:19,616
When she clearly
just bought a new one!
269
00:09:19,709 --> 00:09:21,893
I've never forgotten
what she did to me.
270
00:09:22,045 --> 00:09:23,735
Never.
That's why I brought these.
271
00:09:23,789 --> 00:09:26,456
Moon helped me use
the pornography typewriter-
272
00:09:26,474 --> 00:09:28,458
-The computer.
-May I finish?
273
00:09:28,476 --> 00:09:30,885
And we found out
that Hilda lives in New Fork.
274
00:09:30,904 --> 00:09:33,134
So I'll go up to her place,
ring the doorbell.
275
00:09:33,135 --> 00:09:35,724
When she opens up, I'll throw
all these basketballs
276
00:09:35,725 --> 00:09:37,133
at her lying face.
277
00:09:37,152 --> 00:09:38,651
-Whoa.
-She deserves it.
278
00:09:38,652 --> 00:09:40,562
My story isn't
the only thing she stole.
279
00:09:40,563 --> 00:09:42,323
I cut my hair short,
she cut her hair short.
280
00:09:42,324 --> 00:09:45,214
I got horn-rimmed glasses,
she got horn-rimmed glasses.
281
00:09:45,234 --> 00:09:47,310
I get polio, she gets polio.
282
00:09:47,329 --> 00:09:49,162
Well, it is highly contagious.
283
00:09:49,163 --> 00:09:50,590
-Don't defend her.
-Sorry, sorry.
284
00:09:50,591 --> 00:09:52,650
And don't worry, only one
of the basketballs
285
00:09:52,651 --> 00:09:54,667
I'm gonna hurl
at her is full of milk.
286
00:09:54,820 --> 00:09:56,336
Basketball Full of Milk.
287
00:09:56,337 --> 00:09:57,930
That's a great title
for this documentary.
288
00:09:57,931 --> 00:10:00,341
So give me a signal when you're
going, and I'll tag along.
289
00:10:00,342 --> 00:10:01,842
Perfect.
You can distract the fuzz.
290
00:10:01,843 --> 00:10:05,178
Say something like, "This
is all my fault. I did it."
291
00:10:05,179 --> 00:10:06,797
[Ham]
Okay, we're halfway there.
292
00:10:06,798 --> 00:10:08,255
And if my math is correct,
293
00:10:08,350 --> 00:10:10,591
we only have one more half
to go. Aah!
294
00:10:10,611 --> 00:10:12,541
Oh, hey, bud,
didn't mean to scare you.
295
00:10:12,613 --> 00:10:14,003
Here's the thing.
296
00:10:14,004 --> 00:10:16,173
I kinda need to use
the little Shrek's room,
297
00:10:16,174 --> 00:10:18,600
and Judy alerted me that there's
some creatures in the can.
298
00:10:18,601 --> 00:10:21,011
Well, we can't really stop
because we might stall
299
00:10:21,012 --> 00:10:23,697
and not be able to start again.
Any chance you could hold it?
300
00:10:23,698 --> 00:10:26,292
Already got a little bit
of a personal swamp situation
301
00:10:26,293 --> 00:10:27,684
going on, if you follow.
302
00:10:27,685 --> 00:10:29,462
What I mean is,
I did pee a bit already.
303
00:10:29,463 --> 00:10:32,279
Look, maybe you just go
really slow, I hop out,
304
00:10:32,280 --> 00:10:33,874
and hop back on
before you know it.
305
00:10:33,875 --> 00:10:36,376
Uh, I guess that might work.
306
00:10:36,528 --> 00:10:37,578
Keep her slow, Ham.
307
00:10:37,696 --> 00:10:39,787
See you in two shakes
of my front tail.
308
00:10:39,881 --> 00:10:43,141
Pulling my pants down.
Just keeping you guys posted.
309
00:10:43,368 --> 00:10:46,478
Okay, little update, I can't
get 'em off with these hands!
310
00:10:46,629 --> 00:10:48,739
-Can't he just take
the hands off? -Oh, no.
311
00:10:48,798 --> 00:10:49,878
We used a special glue.
312
00:10:49,879 --> 00:10:51,375
We'd need acetone
to remove them.
313
00:10:51,376 --> 00:10:53,193
-I'll go help.
-[Beef screams]
314
00:10:54,229 --> 00:10:56,045
-[grunts]
-Aah!
315
00:10:56,046 --> 00:10:57,231
Turn me over! Turn me over!
316
00:10:57,232 --> 00:10:58,564
Uh-oh. Here I go, too!
317
00:10:58,565 --> 00:11:00,401
-[Judy]
Ooh, this is great stuff. -[Ham] Is it?
318
00:11:00,402 --> 00:11:01,661
-[Beef screams]
-Seriously?
319
00:11:01,662 --> 00:11:03,069
-Did Wolf whiz yet?
-Nope.
320
00:11:03,221 --> 00:11:04,329
It's a disaster.
321
00:11:04,330 --> 00:11:06,390
-I'll go help the Gumbys.
-[Beef screams]
322
00:11:06,391 --> 00:11:08,725
Great. Now almost
everyone is off the bus.
323
00:11:08,726 --> 00:11:10,060
[nervous laugh]
Perfect.
324
00:11:10,061 --> 00:11:11,991
[strains]
These suckers are on tight.
325
00:11:12,005 --> 00:11:14,063
Yup, you might have
to cut me out of 'em.
326
00:11:14,082 --> 00:11:16,749
Can someone help me up?
No? I guess I'll just rest.
327
00:11:16,902 --> 00:11:20,737
Pants, I command you to
release my nephew's penis!
328
00:11:20,755 --> 00:11:22,180
Oh, no. I'm caught.
329
00:11:22,331 --> 00:11:23,423
I'll hop out and help.
330
00:11:23,575 --> 00:11:25,909
Moon, no. No one's
watching the cake.
331
00:11:25,910 --> 00:11:27,761
-Judy, you take the wheel!
-Oh, can you say that again?
332
00:11:27,762 --> 00:11:29,522
And any chance you could
cheat to camera, please.
333
00:11:29,523 --> 00:11:31,581
-Judy, the wheel!
-Ugh! Fine.
334
00:11:31,583 --> 00:11:33,433
I got the pants off!
335
00:11:33,527 --> 00:11:34,967
Why is your penis green, too?
336
00:11:34,968 --> 00:11:37,120
Oh, that? It's actually just
a funny coincidence.
337
00:11:37,121 --> 00:11:38,530
Bring the bus around!
338
00:11:38,681 --> 00:11:41,032
Uh-oh, that's black ice.
339
00:11:41,184 --> 00:11:43,259
[all crying out]
340
00:11:43,352 --> 00:11:45,778
-Somebody help me up.
-I got you. -I'm peeing!
341
00:11:45,931 --> 00:11:47,447
[Dirt grunts]
342
00:11:47,448 --> 00:11:50,951
[Judy] So, where are we at
in your mind's journey, Ham?
343
00:11:50,952 --> 00:11:52,618
-Are you angry at everyone?
-No.
344
00:11:52,619 --> 00:11:54,788
I mean, we lost
30 minutes doing one pee stop
345
00:11:54,789 --> 00:11:56,273
because my adult brother
couldn't
346
00:11:56,274 --> 00:11:58,441
get his ogre suit off,
but no big deal.
347
00:11:58,442 --> 00:12:00,277
So, are you saying
there's a ticking clock?
348
00:12:00,278 --> 00:12:02,446
Because that would
actually help my film a lot.
349
00:12:02,447 --> 00:12:03,948
Executives always ask for that.
350
00:12:03,949 --> 00:12:05,224
Like, what would happen
if we were late?
351
00:12:05,225 --> 00:12:06,707
Let's go into that.
352
00:12:06,708 --> 00:12:08,543
There's a ten-minute
registration grace period,
353
00:12:08,544 --> 00:12:10,563
but once those
cake doors close, that's it.
354
00:12:10,564 --> 00:12:12,231
We could always
take the shortcut.
355
00:12:12,232 --> 00:12:14,232
[gasps] Why are you
down here again?!
356
00:12:14,383 --> 00:12:15,883
Relax. Aunt Dirt's got the cake.
357
00:12:15,885 --> 00:12:19,145
Moon, we are not taking
Dead Man's Violent Death Road.
358
00:12:19,239 --> 00:12:22,407
Suit yourself, but it would
cut our trip by 20 minutes.
359
00:12:22,408 --> 00:12:24,059
I'm sure you can handle
the road.
360
00:12:24,060 --> 00:12:25,745
Mom drove me down it
in a blackout once
361
00:12:25,746 --> 00:12:27,638
to the fireworks store
'cause she was hooking up
362
00:12:27,639 --> 00:12:29,564
with the owner
Kevin Boom Boom Senior.
363
00:12:29,565 --> 00:12:33,418
And we were totally fine.
But like I said, suit yourself.
364
00:12:34,070 --> 00:12:35,161
Okay, fine.
365
00:12:35,162 --> 00:12:36,663
Did I only want to come
on this trip
366
00:12:36,664 --> 00:12:38,482
in the hopes
that I would somehow get to go
367
00:12:38,483 --> 00:12:41,818
to Kevin Boom Boom's Fairytale
Discount Grenades & Fireworks?
368
00:12:41,836 --> 00:12:44,262
Yes. And did
I suggest the shortcut
369
00:12:44,263 --> 00:12:46,490
because it goes
right past Kevin Boom Boom's
370
00:12:46,491 --> 00:12:49,416
Fairytale Discount Grenades
& Fireworks? Also yes.
371
00:12:49,436 --> 00:12:52,178
And am I planning on
waiting for the right moment
372
00:12:52,179 --> 00:12:54,164
to grab a tree branch,
jump off the bus,
373
00:12:54,165 --> 00:12:56,500
run into Kevin's,
buy as many grenades as I can,
374
00:12:56,501 --> 00:12:59,277
then hitchhike to New Fork?
Hmm. You tell me.
375
00:12:59,428 --> 00:13:02,672
Wait, so is Dead Man's Violent
Death Road an actual shortcut?
376
00:13:02,690 --> 00:13:04,282
If we survive it? Probably.
377
00:13:04,509 --> 00:13:06,451
Okay. We're taking the shortcut!
378
00:13:06,602 --> 00:13:07,652
[Moon]
Boom!
379
00:13:07,846 --> 00:13:09,270
You won't regret this, Ham.
380
00:13:09,271 --> 00:13:10,790
[Judy]
But Ham would come to regret it.
381
00:13:10,791 --> 00:13:11,864
What?
382
00:13:12,125 --> 00:13:14,775
Oh, please don't interact
with the narrator, okay?
383
00:13:16,338 --> 00:13:20,115
Huh. Well, I guess
this road isn't that bad.
384
00:13:20,116 --> 00:13:21,467
[Judy]
Mm-hmm. Glad you're happy,
385
00:13:21,468 --> 00:13:22,860
but as a filmmaker
this is very disappointing.
386
00:13:22,861 --> 00:13:24,451
-[Beef screams]
-[Ham gasps]
387
00:13:24,452 --> 00:13:25,696
[Judy] [groans] Okay,
not even Dad's sleep screams
388
00:13:25,697 --> 00:13:26,955
are spicing up this snooze.
389
00:13:26,956 --> 00:13:28,456
Good thing I've got
a secret ogre drama
390
00:13:28,457 --> 00:13:30,125
that I've been
cooking up in my cauldron.
391
00:13:30,126 --> 00:13:31,626
Okay, first of all,
let me just say, ignore
392
00:13:31,627 --> 00:13:33,628
the screeches of
the animals under your buttocks.
393
00:13:33,629 --> 00:13:35,797
They'll quiet down now
that they have more Nerds Rope.
394
00:13:35,798 --> 00:13:38,088
-Terrific.
-So, tell me about the Group Shrek.
395
00:13:38,134 --> 00:13:40,544
Oh, a Group Shrek is
basically just a wholesome
396
00:13:40,545 --> 00:13:42,637
hang for Shrek-heads
to Shrek out together.
397
00:13:42,638 --> 00:13:45,156
Uh, Group Shrek
is definitely an orgy.
398
00:13:45,157 --> 00:13:46,641
I can't believe they don't know.
399
00:13:46,642 --> 00:13:48,068
I would tell them,
but a good filmmaker
400
00:13:48,069 --> 00:13:50,219
never gets involved
with their subjects.
401
00:13:50,220 --> 00:13:51,497
We all dress up, talk about
402
00:13:51,498 --> 00:13:53,223
our favorite
lines from the movies...
403
00:13:53,224 --> 00:13:54,500
Wolf said the website
mentioned something called
404
00:13:54,501 --> 00:13:56,668
-a swamp romp, donkey rides...
-Orgy.
405
00:13:56,669 --> 00:13:58,896
There's mention of
Lord Farquaad throughout,
406
00:13:58,897 --> 00:14:01,840
but they keep spelling it
wrong and using it as a verb.
407
00:14:01,991 --> 00:14:03,041
Big, big orgy.
408
00:14:03,068 --> 00:14:04,259
[Judy grunts]
409
00:14:04,260 --> 00:14:07,588
So, Dad, your oldest son
is going to an orgy
410
00:14:07,589 --> 00:14:09,699
and your youngest son
is buying grenades.
411
00:14:09,832 --> 00:14:11,407
-How do you plead?
-[snoring]
412
00:14:11,408 --> 00:14:13,352
[imitating Beef] Well,
I've pushed multiple women
413
00:14:13,353 --> 00:14:16,079
down the stairs,
and I blamed it on owls.
414
00:14:16,097 --> 00:14:17,430
[regular voice]
Perfect.
415
00:14:17,431 --> 00:14:18,916
-[animals chittering]
-Calm down, guys.
416
00:14:18,917 --> 00:14:22,026
I'll get you more Nerds Rope.
Sheesh!
417
00:14:22,178 --> 00:14:23,677
Huh? Where am I?
418
00:14:23,846 --> 00:14:26,939
Oh. The bathroom. Good.
419
00:14:27,033 --> 00:14:28,349
-Huh?
-[hissing]
420
00:14:28,368 --> 00:14:29,850
Aah! Muskrats!
421
00:14:29,944 --> 00:14:31,444
[all crying out]
422
00:14:31,538 --> 00:14:34,068
What's happening?!
Why is everyone screaming?!
423
00:14:34,069 --> 00:14:36,617
-[screeches]
-Oh, that's the critter I ate the other day.
424
00:14:36,618 --> 00:14:37,691
Hello again.
425
00:14:37,692 --> 00:14:39,027
[Honeybee and Wolf screaming]
426
00:14:39,028 --> 00:14:41,079
One's in my costume!
One's in my costume!
427
00:14:41,080 --> 00:14:43,610
-Don't let them near the cake!
-I'll go after 'em!
428
00:14:43,625 --> 00:14:46,175
[screaming continues]
429
00:14:46,961 --> 00:14:48,111
[Beef gasps]
430
00:14:48,204 --> 00:14:49,387
[Moon grunts]
431
00:14:49,614 --> 00:14:50,947
Moon!
432
00:14:51,116 --> 00:14:52,223
[grunts]
433
00:14:52,375 --> 00:14:54,726
-Ham, stop the bus right now.
-What? Why?
434
00:14:54,727 --> 00:14:56,729
I'm gonna be late!
Where are the muskrats?
435
00:14:56,730 --> 00:14:59,473
Two are in my hands, and one
is in your brother's Shrek suit.
436
00:14:59,474 --> 00:15:00,984
[Dirt]
I can eat one if need be.
437
00:15:01,067 --> 00:15:02,147
Ham, seriously, stop.
438
00:15:02,148 --> 00:15:03,402
Moon jumped off the bus!
439
00:15:03,403 --> 00:15:05,033
[Ham]
I'm trying to slow it down.
440
00:15:05,034 --> 00:15:06,313
Doesn't feel like
we're slowing down!
441
00:15:06,314 --> 00:15:07,630
I just said I'm trying!
442
00:15:07,631 --> 00:15:09,316
I'm pressing all
the way down on the brakes!
443
00:15:09,317 --> 00:15:11,075
[Beef]
Oh, God. Turn! Turn!
444
00:15:11,227 --> 00:15:13,077
Uh, bad news about that, too.
445
00:15:13,229 --> 00:15:14,561
Everybody, get behind us.
446
00:15:14,656 --> 00:15:16,063
Use us as airbags!
447
00:15:16,157 --> 00:15:18,307
[all scream]
448
00:15:18,401 --> 00:15:21,171
-Hold on!
-Brake, brake, brake, brake, brake, brake!
449
00:15:23,256 --> 00:15:24,814
-My cake!
-Everyone okay?
450
00:15:24,832 --> 00:15:27,817
-I'm good.
-Okay over here. -At least nothing exploded.
451
00:15:27,910 --> 00:15:29,660
-[loud explosion]
-[all cry out]
452
00:15:30,989 --> 00:15:32,913
Oh, no.
453
00:15:33,082 --> 00:15:34,307
[fireworks exploding]
454
00:15:34,492 --> 00:15:37,343
Well, that was a beautiful
display of fireworks,
455
00:15:37,495 --> 00:15:40,179
but the wheels on this bus
have gone round and round
456
00:15:40,256 --> 00:15:41,306
for the last time.
457
00:15:41,499 --> 00:15:43,516
Craps in the cradle, this blows.
458
00:15:43,517 --> 00:15:45,502
We'll never make it
to the Group Shrek now.
459
00:15:45,503 --> 00:15:48,337
Well, so much for my
big twist ending.
460
00:15:48,356 --> 00:15:50,006
And all my basketballs exploded.
461
00:15:50,007 --> 00:15:52,451
There's milk everywhere
except Hilda's stupid,
462
00:15:52,452 --> 00:15:53,618
story-stealing face.
463
00:15:53,619 --> 00:15:55,846
Dad, they said I need
your permission to buy
464
00:15:55,847 --> 00:15:57,181
the City Eliminator firework.
465
00:15:57,182 --> 00:15:59,124
If I leave here without it,
what was the point
466
00:15:59,125 --> 00:16:00,607
-of even coming here?
-Me!
467
00:16:00,627 --> 00:16:03,536
The whole point of this trip
was me and my cake
468
00:16:03,630 --> 00:16:04,945
and my competition!
469
00:16:04,946 --> 00:16:06,614
And you guys never come
to my competitions.
470
00:16:06,615 --> 00:16:09,300
Hell, you never even ask me
about my competitions.
471
00:16:09,452 --> 00:16:12,286
So I thought, "Oh, wow, finally
472
00:16:12,305 --> 00:16:14,455
"everyone is coming
to see me, Ham Tobin,
473
00:16:14,456 --> 00:16:15,331
maker of cakes."
474
00:16:15,332 --> 00:16:16,472
But you all just used me
475
00:16:16,534 --> 00:16:18,217
to get a free ride to New Fork.
476
00:16:18,369 --> 00:16:21,199
And now there isn't even a ride
because our bus is ruined.
477
00:16:21,297 --> 00:16:23,147
And worse, my cake is ruined!
478
00:16:23,374 --> 00:16:25,558
You are all selfish,
and I am honestly
479
00:16:25,652 --> 00:16:27,210
embarrassed to be a Tobin.
480
00:16:27,228 --> 00:16:32,398
I'm changing my last name to
Tooobbbbbeeeeegatonerrothonzizi.
481
00:16:32,492 --> 00:16:35,234
Yeah!
Well, actually not that, but I'm
482
00:16:35,328 --> 00:16:37,811
gonna go brainstorm
what I'm changing it to!
483
00:16:37,831 --> 00:16:41,124
-Ugh!
-Hot damn. We broke Ham.
484
00:16:46,655 --> 00:16:49,507
How's the brainstorming
on your new last name going?
485
00:16:49,658 --> 00:16:50,708
Ugh, not great.
486
00:16:50,709 --> 00:16:52,327
I thought
of Ham Seinfeld, and now
487
00:16:52,328 --> 00:16:53,495
I can't think of anything else.
488
00:16:53,496 --> 00:16:55,179
I'm sorry for the way everyone
489
00:16:55,331 --> 00:16:56,411
has been acting today.
490
00:16:56,424 --> 00:16:58,257
Oh, it's okay. No big deal.
491
00:16:58,409 --> 00:17:00,334
Ham, you have
to stop saying that.
492
00:17:00,428 --> 00:17:03,079
You say it a lot,
but some things are a big deal,
493
00:17:03,097 --> 00:17:04,847
and it's okay
to acknowledge that.
494
00:17:04,916 --> 00:17:07,866
And I don't want to make excuses
for the rest of the family,
495
00:17:07,867 --> 00:17:10,362
but I think they kinda
believed you when you kept
496
00:17:10,363 --> 00:17:12,438
saying the competition
was no big deal.
497
00:17:12,532 --> 00:17:15,925
I just... I have a hard time
making a big thing about myself.
498
00:17:15,943 --> 00:17:19,262
Well, why? Why
can't you be a big deal?
499
00:17:19,263 --> 00:17:20,764
I don't want to burden anyone.
500
00:17:20,765 --> 00:17:24,267
But I guess I also
secretly hope everyone
501
00:17:24,268 --> 00:17:26,787
will still be there to
support me no matter what.
502
00:17:26,788 --> 00:17:28,604
Hmm. And then no one was.
503
00:17:28,623 --> 00:17:30,456
Yeah. I mean, even you.
504
00:17:30,457 --> 00:17:32,959
You stayed up so late
watching some dumb TV show
505
00:17:32,960 --> 00:17:34,778
that you were too tired
to drive me today.
506
00:17:34,779 --> 00:17:36,963
Ham, you're right,
I shouldn't have stayed up.
507
00:17:36,964 --> 00:17:39,282
-Oh, it's okay.
-It's not okay.
508
00:17:39,283 --> 00:17:40,300
-No, it's-
-Ham.
509
00:17:40,301 --> 00:17:42,285
Fine! Father, it's not okay!
510
00:17:42,303 --> 00:17:46,305
Good. But believe it or not,
I was actually trying to help.
511
00:17:46,457 --> 00:17:49,049
Truth is, the show
I was so caught up in
512
00:17:49,127 --> 00:17:50,810
was Cynthia, Fix My Cake!
513
00:17:50,962 --> 00:17:52,904
Oh, man, I worship Cynthia.
514
00:17:52,905 --> 00:17:55,132
I love how
she shows up at people's houses
515
00:17:55,133 --> 00:17:56,223
in a hot-air balloon.
516
00:17:56,242 --> 00:17:57,742
Oh, absolutely. Magic.
517
00:17:57,893 --> 00:18:00,303
Thing is,
I'm prepared for so many
518
00:18:00,396 --> 00:18:01,913
things in life, but I knew that
519
00:18:01,914 --> 00:18:04,249
if something went
wrong with your cake today,
520
00:18:04,250 --> 00:18:05,750
I wouldn't know how to help you.
521
00:18:05,901 --> 00:18:08,661
I didn't want you to think
I didn't have faith in you,
522
00:18:08,755 --> 00:18:12,148
but you know me. I have a backup
plan for a backup plan.
523
00:18:12,241 --> 00:18:14,166
So I figured I'd study the show.
524
00:18:14,319 --> 00:18:16,594
And to be honest,
I learned nothing.
525
00:18:16,821 --> 00:18:19,764
I just couldn't look away, son,
because, well...
526
00:18:19,991 --> 00:18:23,750
Cynthia has very,
very ginormous gazongas.
527
00:18:23,770 --> 00:18:26,420
I'm not into women and
even I get mesmerized when
528
00:18:26,514 --> 00:18:28,331
she whisks
and they whisk with her.
529
00:18:28,349 --> 00:18:30,775
They do join her in
the dance, don't they?
530
00:18:30,776 --> 00:18:32,611
Even Cynthia
couldn't fix this problem.
531
00:18:32,612 --> 00:18:34,855
I brought a lot of
extra frosting for damages like
532
00:18:34,856 --> 00:18:37,931
always, but I didn't expect
to need whole new cake layers.
533
00:18:37,951 --> 00:18:41,677
We don't have more cake,
but we do have dirt.
534
00:18:41,678 --> 00:18:44,364
I'm sorry, Dad, but I'm not
serving Aunt Dirt to the judges.
535
00:18:44,365 --> 00:18:46,032
We both know she'd just
shoot them.
536
00:18:46,033 --> 00:18:47,941
No, dirt as in soil.
537
00:18:47,942 --> 00:18:49,110
It kind of looks like
538
00:18:49,111 --> 00:18:50,462
chocolate cake, doesn't it?
539
00:18:50,463 --> 00:18:53,856
What if we fixed your exploded
layers with packed soil?
540
00:18:53,949 --> 00:18:56,300
Huh. Yeah,
the judges almost never
541
00:18:56,301 --> 00:18:58,195
try a piece
from the front of the cake.
542
00:18:58,196 --> 00:18:59,696
If I present the soil part as if
543
00:18:59,788 --> 00:19:01,046
I want them to try it...
544
00:19:01,199 --> 00:19:02,759
They'll take a different slice.
545
00:19:02,791 --> 00:19:05,584
Wait, we still don't have
a way to get to New Fork.
546
00:19:05,585 --> 00:19:06,887
Don't worry, Son-derella.
547
00:19:06,888 --> 00:19:08,647
I believe
your fairy god-siblings
548
00:19:08,648 --> 00:19:10,565
have that all figured out.
549
00:19:12,301 --> 00:19:14,652
What's, uh... what's happening?
550
00:19:14,653 --> 00:19:16,713
We realized how
unsupportive we've been,
551
00:19:16,714 --> 00:19:19,215
so we pooled our resources
to buy this carriage.
552
00:19:19,384 --> 00:19:22,827
And now we can pull you and
your masterpiece to New Fork!
553
00:19:22,978 --> 00:19:24,162
I traded in my camera.
554
00:19:24,389 --> 00:19:25,830
I used my fireworks money.
555
00:19:26,023 --> 00:19:27,223
I didn't give up crap.
556
00:19:27,316 --> 00:19:30,484
And we gave up our Shrek
hands and the Fiona boobs.
557
00:19:30,485 --> 00:19:33,230
Ham, you can sit in
the carriage and remake
558
00:19:33,231 --> 00:19:36,081
-your cake while
we pull you to New Fork. -Okay.
559
00:19:36,176 --> 00:19:40,236
Let's get to my competition.
Which is, in fact, a big deal.
560
00:19:40,238 --> 00:19:43,422
-That's the spirit, son.
-Hyah!
561
00:19:44,517 --> 00:19:46,807
I am honored to be
a part of this competition,
562
00:19:46,911 --> 00:19:48,093
Your Highness Judge.
563
00:19:48,094 --> 00:19:50,096
Might I suggest tasting
a slice of the gift shop?
564
00:19:50,097 --> 00:19:53,357
You can suggest it,
but I make my own decisions.
565
00:19:53,526 --> 00:19:55,067
[gulps]
566
00:19:57,530 --> 00:19:59,530
Are you nervous, Ham?
567
00:20:01,367 --> 00:20:02,441
[Judy sighs]
568
00:20:02,442 --> 00:20:04,203
Waiting for the winner
to be announced
569
00:20:04,204 --> 00:20:06,780
would have been great on camera,
but I'll just record it
570
00:20:06,781 --> 00:20:08,764
on my eyeballs
for my brain film.
571
00:20:08,933 --> 00:20:13,711
The winner of this year's
Stodgy Roger's Crumb Off is...
572
00:20:13,712 --> 00:20:14,862
Ham Tobin.
573
00:20:14,863 --> 00:20:16,363
-That's my boy!
-Yeah, Ham!
574
00:20:16,382 --> 00:20:17,715
[cheering]
575
00:20:17,942 --> 00:20:21,201
I sure wish Stodgy Roger
was alive to see this moment.
576
00:20:21,279 --> 00:20:23,128
I am. I'm right here.
577
00:20:23,281 --> 00:20:26,799
-Mmm. It really is good, Ham.
-I got a little pebble
578
00:20:26,893 --> 00:20:29,101
in mine, but I've
eaten rocks before.
579
00:20:29,896 --> 00:20:32,897
Hilda got my voice mail.
580
00:20:33,124 --> 00:20:34,174
The bastard.
581
00:20:34,175 --> 00:20:35,625
-Hold my cake.
-[loud grunt]
582
00:20:35,626 --> 00:20:37,903
-[grunting, thudding]
-[gasps] Aunt Dirt, no!
583
00:20:37,904 --> 00:20:39,834
[Judy]
How long are we gonna give 'em?
584
00:20:39,906 --> 00:20:41,130
Five minutes. Ten?
585
00:20:41,131 --> 00:20:43,391
Start the carriage!
Group Shrek wasn't what
586
00:20:43,392 --> 00:20:44,818
-we thought it was.
-Go, go, go.
587
00:20:44,819 --> 00:20:46,470
They nasty. Let's go,
let's go, let's go.
588
00:20:46,471 --> 00:20:49,563
Hey, you forgot
your orgy gift bag.
589
00:20:49,582 --> 00:20:50,973
♪ ♪
590
00:20:50,974 --> 00:20:52,976
♪ When your layers are
acting crazy ♪
591
00:20:52,977 --> 00:20:54,494
♪ And your frosting
tastes like gravy ♪
592
00:20:54,495 --> 00:20:56,345
♪ Don't crawl inside a snake ♪
593
00:20:56,346 --> 00:20:58,072
♪ Just yell out
"Cynthia, fix my cake!" ♪
594
00:20:58,073 --> 00:21:01,166
♪ She arrives in
a hot-air balloon ♪
595
00:21:01,261 --> 00:21:05,078
♪ With her pet Rosie Raccoon ♪
596
00:21:05,156 --> 00:21:06,764
♪ Carrot, vanilla ♪
597
00:21:06,991 --> 00:21:08,841
♪ Chocolate, funfetti ♪
598
00:21:08,993 --> 00:21:11,510
♪ No matter the flavor,
she'll get it ready ♪
599
00:21:11,511 --> 00:21:13,663
♪ When it comes to cake,
she's the best ♪
600
00:21:13,664 --> 00:21:15,440
♪ With some help
from her ample chest ♪
601
00:21:15,441 --> 00:21:17,349
♪ She's here, so take a break ♪
602
00:21:17,443 --> 00:21:18,667
♪ You got her ♪
603
00:21:18,686 --> 00:21:20,427
♪ Cynthia, fix my cake! ♪
604
00:21:20,477 --> 00:21:25,027
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