All language subtitles for The Great North s04e06 The Mighty Pucks Adventure.eng

-Look up there ?
-What do you see?

Nature and stuff ?

-Like a rock ?
-And a tree ?

Oh, the Great North ?

Way up here,
you can breathe the air ?

Catch some fish ?

Or gaze at a bear ?

Wow ?

Oh, the Great North ?

Here we live, oh, oh ?

Here we'll stay, oh, whoo ?

From longest night
to longest day ?

In the Great North. ?

[cheering]

[Wolf] Honeybee, if you stare
at that dividend check any harder,

we're gonna officially
be a throuple.

[chuckles] I'm in.

I still can't believe
I get a bunch of money

in dividends
from the Oil companies

every year
just for living in Alaska.

Yep, It's like Christmas,
only Santa is the oil industry,

which is, yes,
bleeding our state dry

of its prehistoric goop.

And in the process,
soaking our puffins in grease,

diarrhea-ing our waters
with toxic runoff

until the Earth herself
sobs for relief.

-She's a lot of fun, huh?
-Nope, I am not.

And, you know what, proud of it.

I refuse to suckle from
the diseased teat of daddy oil.

So I always rip up
my dividend check.

And I always collect
those check scraps,

tape 'em together and deposit
them into a savings account.

And Judy pretends
not to know about that

so she can yell at us.

Well, this year
the only yelling I'll be doing

is during my one-woman play,
Divi-Dead-End.

I need to preserve my instrument
to scream "you're complicit"

at individual audience members.

Sounds... entertaining?

It's not supposed to be
entertaining!

It's supposed to stop people

from taking
oil company bribe money.

Okay, so, what are
the people who aren't

ripping up their checks
doing with their money?

Well, I do feel a little guilty

about taking money
from the fossil fuel industry,

so I always like
to throw it away

on something truly frivolous.

The bigger and dumber it is,
the less guilty I feel.

Last year's industrial churro
maker was hella dumb and big.

Indeed, but the cinnamon-
and sugar-coated burns

all over my body were
ultimately not worth it.

-I want in on Team Big and Dumb.
-I'm in, too.

I just saw Transformers.
We should buy a Bumblebee.

Well, Judy has a point about
the dividend feeling bribe-y,

but we're not
throwing our cash away.

Wolf and I are actually
using our dividend

to invest in Alaska.

We're starting
a business together.

We're gonna open a gym
in the guest house.

And you know me and Crispin
are obsessed with

that gritty restaurant drama
Yes Chef.

So we decided to spend
our dividend checks

on expensive kitchen knives
and chef's clothes

and open a smoothie stand
for the gym.

[snorting]

That's the sound of you suckling
that diseased oil teat.

Ugh! Judy!

Don't take the crude
if you don't want the rude.

I'll continue to chastise you
like that tonight at my play.

I expect you'll all be there
in the audience

to support me screaming at you?

Oh, I wish we could be,

but the gym opens in two days,

so we got to... uh, do that.

Yup, yeah, and Crispin's gonna
teach me some, uh...

restaurant stuff, so...

I don't have a flimsy excuse,
Judy.

I just don't want to go.

Well, I'll be there, Jude.

And I look forward to
enduring your art.

[Judy groans]

Look at everyone flaunting
their dividend purchases.

It makes me sick.

You're guilty!
Come to my premiere.

Uh, Judy, Kima and I,
we friend-joyed your rehearsal,

but the show was
kind of a... downer.

Seriously,
if we weren't your friends

and also your stage crew,

I don't know
if we would have stayed.

Uh-huh, hold on. You're
disgusting! Come to my show.

Yup, this is one of
Anne Hathaway's actual tiaras

from The Princess Diaries.

I also got
her partially-eaten onion bagel

from The Devil Wears Prada.

I'm a real Anne-Fan.

So many splurges to choose from.

Our purchase needs to be
the perfect combination

of flashy, dangerous and stupid.

Imagine one of the number boxes
from Deal or No Deal

but with a rhinestone axe
inside.

Something like that.

Do you want a 12-foot mummy
with big jugs?

-I'm not saying no.
-Hmm.

It's stupid, but is it
a complete waste of money?

-Not to me.
-I think we'll keep looking.

Don't take any offers
on the hot doll

without calling us first.

[Judy]
Ask me about Alaska's

fattest cats in baskets.

Meryl Streep is keeping sheep.

[breathes deeply] She's ready.

People of Alask- Uh...

[whispering] Mr. Golovkin.
We need to hold a few minutes

for the audience
to take their seats.

This is your audience, Judy.

And as your faculty chaperone,
may I remind you

that you only have this theater
for 45 more minutes,

so I would advise you
to start your screaming.

[clears throat]

I am the yearly
Alaska dividend check!

Shame on you! And you!

And... you again?

Oh, what's the point?
No one's here.

I think you're doing great,
Jude.

Aw, forget it.
Show's over! The end!

[grunts]

[crying]

Your daughter is very talented.

-[groaning]
-[knocking]

Hey, hon.
I'm here to pick up Henry.

Okay.

[weakly] Henry...

Uh, everything okay, Judy?

If you must know, no one came
to my very important play

about the evils of Big Oil
last night.

I thought
I could open people's eyes

by shoving my art into them.

Like how Anthony Hopkins
got everyone

to compost
their Halloween pumpkins

by doing that monologue
in Central Park.

-But no one showed.
-Hmm.

I've kind of got
the opposite problem myself.

Our Triple-C-minor-league
hockey team,

the Lone Moose Puck Chuckers,
is going under.

But not because
we don't have fans.

We can get a crowd,
but our sponsor dropped out.

Of an airplane.
With no parachute.

A crowd, huh?

And, uh,
your league has the usual,

uh, breaks between periods,
right?

With some kind of entertainment?

-Yup.
-Interesting.

You know, um, I have some bucks.

-You do?
-Yeah.

My dad saves my dividend check
every year,

and I was planning
to never touch it,

but actually
this maybe makes sense.

What kind of money would I need
to sponsor the audience?

I mean, the team.

Well, our yearly budget is
about 13 grand.

And to be honest,
half of that's for beer.

We use a low-grade buzz
instead of pads.

You know what, Mrs. Tuntley?
I'll do it.

-Do what?
-Sponsor the team.

You need bucks and I need butts.

The Puck Chucks are back in biz.

All right. Then I'll see you
at our game tomorrow night.

It's at 8:00,
but we start drinking at 4:15.

Henry!

So, you're really
the hockey team sponsor now?

Yep. Check cleared this morning,
and I sent everyone

a very fun e-card
welcoming myself to the team.

I enjoyed the one you sent me
that said,

"Damn, Daniel, back at it again
with a Happy Father's Day."

I didn't understand it, but
that's what made it exciting.

All right, I got to get
in there and size up the crowd.

Next week,
Divi-dead-end takes center ice.

-[Judy] What the puck?
-Judy, you made it!

I got put in the sin bin
for nut tapping the ref again,

but I'll be back on the ice
in a jiff.

Uh... question.

Where are the dozens
of loyal fans?

Oh, I never said
they were loyal.

We absolutely suck this year,
so they all stopped coming.

What the hell, Dorothy?
I need the fans back.

I'm trying to save the Earth

with a one-woman show here.

Well, maybe if we made
the playoffs

the fans would come back,
but we're in such a hockey-hole

stats-wise that I think
there's a better chance

that the ref
will go for an eye exam!

That's two more in
the bucket, for you, Dot.

-I'll put two more in
your mom's bucket! -Hey!

-[belches]
-Woof. Are you drunk?

Of course I'm drunk,
I'm playing hockey.

-Aren't you drunk?
-I'm 16.

16 beers in?
Wow, shoot, I gotta catch up.

-Go grab me three.
-Ugh.

Well, I can see why
you guys can't win.

No one's passing,
no one's defending.

You need to play
a 200-foot game.

You guys are barely playing
a five-foot game.

Oh, you know hockeyI thought
you were more of a curl girl.

Oh, I'm not allowed
anywhere near curling anymore.

It's the finest game
in the world,

but it makes me a full psycho.

[grunting]

WhatYou guys are fighting
with each other?

Dot, you're in.

Wow. Where's your coach?

-Prison.
-Oof.

Ugh. Looks like if I want
an audience for my show,

I'm gonna have to coach
these freaks myself.

I wonder how many hockey teams
Greta Thunberg coaches.

Probably a bunch.

[Wolf] Well,
our dividend money

is ready to pump some iron.

And our gym name
absolutely rules.

And I can't wait
to start each day

getting a couples' green drink
at the smoothie stand

and then ending it by wringing

the sweat out of
each other's headbands.

Ooh, and whenever
we have a break,

let's spend it
walking hand in hand

on the side-by-side treadmills.

Oh, I've been thinking
on what our vibe should be.

And here's what I've got: gains.

Gains. Love it.

Getting gains, offering gains,

just gains all day.

We are really using
our dividends

to give back to the people,

and what
we're giving them is gains.

This place really has it all:
two treadmills, little towels

rolled up in
a sweaty bowl of ice...

And our rad motivational poster
that says

"It's Jacked O'clock Somewhere."

Not to mention
a full-on smoothie bar.

Hey, you guys ready to blend up

some sick smoothies
in the old outhouse

-or what?
-Yes, Chef.

That's just one of
the fun restaurant things

-we learned to say from TV.
-All right, time to blast

some C+C Music Factory
and get ready for

that after-work rush.

Hi. I saw your ad
in the Lone Moose Wind.

I've been wanting
to get some gains.

Is this that kind of a gym?

Boy, is it. You're about
to get rock-hard, brother.

Oh, hell yeah.

This is it. This is the one.

We use this to sneak
right past the Russki navy,

next thing you know,
we're sittin' on Putin's lap

snipping his nuts off.

I love it, but let's not buy

the first rotted-out
Soviet submarine

that catches our eye.

Let's go over to
the boat yard in Whippleton,

Naval-tons,
and do some comparison shopping.

Great call. Maybe they got
a midsized aircraft carrier.

Willk�mmen. Bienvenue.

Welcome. ?

Why are we having
hockey practice here?

-And why aren't we drunk?
-Oh!

I'll be the one
asking the questions.

My theater exercises work
on the stage,

and they'll work on the ice.

Now, do you remember
what it feels like to win?

I do. It was a summer day.

And she smiled at me-

Ugh, no,
not like that, Santiago!

I mean win at hockey.

Oh. No.

Look, I decided
to sponsor this team

because I was told
you have fans,

and I want to force those fans
to watch my one-woman show

about Big Oil dividends.

But in order to get
the fans back,

you guys have to start winning.

So I'm taking over as coach,

and I'm making
some big changes around here.

-First of all, no more drinking.
-[beer cracks open]

-Mrs. Tuntley!
-It's Miller Lite. Grow up.

-What's in the other one?
-Bourbon.

Put it down,
and get up here on stage.

It's time to start acting
like a hockey team.

Okay, now, if you're gonna
start working as a team,

I need you to learn
a little saying

we have in my improv group,
Nutty Nutty Boing Boing,

and that saying is, "Yes and."

-Well, that's dumb.
-Yes... and you're wrong.

Today we're not
gonna pass a puck around.

We're gonna pass words around.

And tell a story
one word at a time.

I'll start. I...

-Hate...
-This.

Judy... is dumb!

-One word.
-Fine.

-Judy...
-Is... -Very...

-Very...
Dumb! SeeTeamwork.

We told a story. Now let's
work on our animal spines.

Everybody close your eyes,
and imagine an animal.

-I can only see my Nonna's face.
-Try harder!

-Wait. I'm Miss Piggy.
-Yes! Yes, you are!

Chef, I asked you to prep.

-You call this prep?
-Sorry, Chef.

-I'm terrible.
-That's right.

Your banana work is a joke.

Again. Again!

You're pushing me
to my breaking point.

I'm hardest on the ones
I believe in the most.

-Again!
-I'll take an Apple Proteini.

-Chef, fire one Apple Proteini.
-One Apple Proteini all day!

-Yes, Chef!
-Yes, Chef! -Yes, Chef!

-Not you.
-Sorry, Chef.

Oh, there you are.
I wanted to let you know,

a few people asked if they could
come work out at night,

so even though
we are already pretty busy,

-now we're open 24/7.
-Amazing.

We'll just sleep in shifts
so that our customers

can get rock hard
around the clock.

Ooh, the treadmills are empty.

Should we do
that hand in hand walk-

Ah! Give him a towel!
Give him a towel! Oh...

I did a pretty comprehensive

body shave,
so your drain is clogged.

Oh, and, uh, so is the toilet.
It wasn't me.

Back to the house I go
for a plunger.

Couples treadmill raincheck.

Come on, don't look so down,
Jude. Maybe we'll get a tie.

Ties are for Little League and
Diane Keaton's formal attire.

Hey! Hey! Listen up,
mother-chuckers!

-It's story time!
-What!?

Tell. Me. A. Story.

We...

-Are...
-Scoring...

-A...
-[Judy] Goal!

[Santiago]
Oh, yes.

And scene.

-[cheering]
-Okay, okay, calm down, everybody.

We've still got a lot of work
ahead of us

to make the playoffs
so I can have my play on.

Ah! Damn it. Ted Lasso makes it
look so easy. Four wins.

That's how many it'll take
to get into the playoffs.

-[gasps] Oh.
-No.

If we want to win,
we can't let up.

Out of those uniforms
and into these berets.

We're heading to
the theater for extra practice.

-Tonight, we mime.
-Sports... ?

Let's get trapped
in a box called victory.

Sports ?

Sports on a stage ?

Sports, sports,
sports, sports ?

Then you look at a snake ?

-[yelling]
-Sports, sports ?

Look at the scoreboard ?

Look at the hockey ?

-Hockey ?
-Tape stuff to a wall ?

-That's sports, too ?
-[buzzer blares]

Walking around ?

Put a bottle right there ?

Sleep in your bed ?

Everything is sports ?

Animal spines!

[howling]

More sports, more sports ?

-[buzzer blares]
-Those lights are sports ?

Counting is sports ?

Behind, behind, corner, behind!

Four blueberries all day.

-Eighty-six the acai.
-Yes, Chef!

-Behind, corner, behind!
-Yes, Chef!

Sports, sports,
sports, sports ?

-Sports, sports ?
-[buzzer blares]

Everything is
freakin' sports! ?

[Judy]
All right, 30 seconds left.

We need just
one more goal to get a win

and give me the chance
to share Divi-dead-ends with

-with the world
I'm going to save. -But, Jude,

we haven't scored

since they put
that guy in as goalie.

[Old Jody Jr.]
They call him No Hole,

'cause you can't get a puck
past him.

Also, rumor is
he doesn't have a b-hole.

He's held in all his poop
his whole life.

Okay, now I really wanna talk
about that, but we gotta focus!

Here's the plan. You three,
tell No Hole a story.

Golovkin, do that character
you did during

our improv exercises yesterday.

But it's not ready.
It'll never work.

Yes, and it will.

-You...
-Have...

-Never...
-Pooped!

Oh, no, I'm an old man who
accidentally got on the ice.

Aah!

[buzzer blares]

[cheering]

[Judy] Yes!

-We're completely out of
protein powder, Chef.

Chef, I-I have an idea.

Huh. I used to have ideas.

Before the kitchen
squeezed them all out of me.

What if we used this shredded
cheese and bacon as the protein?

My God. Do you mean...?

Yes. Savory smoothies.

-Never mind, it's dumb.
-It's perfect.

We might finally get
ourselves that Michelin Star.

Oh, definitely. Let's go kiss
near the croissants,

which are a metaphor
for the layers of our love.

Yes, Chef.

-Behind, behind, corner.
-Corner, corner.

I've got my 30-second
break right now.

Wanna go grab
a smoothie together?

Oh, I'd love to, but can
we do it tomorrow at 4:00 a.m.?

Running a successful business

sure takes
a lot out of you, huh?

But it was a great way
to invest our dividends and...

-I love it.
-Oh, yeah, me, too.

Hello! Uh, excuse me.

Is this Rock Hard Gym?

I'm here for
a health inspection.

Oh! Oh! No, no!

We aren't being shut down

because of an anonymous tip,
are we?!

Oh, I would be so angry

and also surprised
if that happened.

I did in fact receive
two separate anonymous tips,

and while I would usually
do a full inspection,

based on the fact that
this gym is in no way licensed

and features a restaurant
in a bathroom,

I'm gonna go ahead
and shut 'er down.

-Oh, no.
-Darn.

Everyone get the hell out!

Farewell, I'll always
remember you all

-as Rock Hard.
-[door closes]

Honeybee, I have a confession.

I called in the anonymous tip.

Uh, yeah, hon,
I called in one, too.

-I thought that was
pretty obvious. -You did?!

Yeah, I mean,
it's nice to know that

we're great at business,
but that was exhausting.

A classic tale of
too many gains too soon.

And we never even took
that treadmill stroll together.

Well, are you free now?

-Hey, guys,
you got a blow dryer-[yelps]

My downstairs hairs
are damp as hell.

Under the sink!

[Judy]
All right, Puck Chuckers,

I'd like to make a dramatic

and rousing speech,
but I'm finally

doing my important play
about dividends tonight,

so I'm going to conserve
my energy.

But I will say this: it's been
an honor to be your coach.

So you're...
not our coach anymore?

I mean, I guess I am, but
remember, I just did all of this

because I wanted
an audience for my play.

But we just started not sucking.

And I know you can
keep not sucking without me.

So, go puck 'em up.

Okay. You, too, Judy.

Sigourney Weaver's
bountiful beaver. ?

And now, some entertainment
brought to you by the sponsor

of the Puck Chuckers,
Jeffrey Tobin.

Judy Tubin!

No, wait, no, no.
Sorry, that's-

Never mind, here I go.

I am the yearly
Alaskan dividend check!

The one you take with
your greedy little meat hooks.

You. And you!

I'm gonna use my
meat hooks to get a beer.

What's that sound?
The Earth dying.

Good, then
I don't gotta watch this!

I've come to shame you. Shame!

Ah! My eyes!

-Oh! Ow.
-[laughter]

-Hey, no, that's-
-Bring back sports!

[all chanting]
Bring back sports!

Bring back sports!
Bring back sports!

[announcer]
All right, you heard 'em.

Let's give it up
for Jeffrey Tambor!

-[groaning]
-[knock on door]

Oh, hey.

Judy, we wanted to let
you know we won the game, hon.

Neat.

We play again tonight and, uh...

well, we'd love to have
our coach there.

[sighs]
Unfortunately, I have plans.

You see, I have to lay on this
couch for the rest of my life

while Big Oil destroys
Mother Earth

and all that lives upon it.

Judy, come on.

That's not the annoying idealist
we know and love.

Divi-dead-end
has some good ideas in it.

And I should know,
I chaperoned rehearsal after

-endless rehearsal.
-Okay, that's not exactly helping.

Well, you were honest with us
about our hockey playing,

so I'm being honest with you
about your performing.

You have something to say, Judy.

Something that people need
to hear about Alaska

and about the money
we just take,

but the way you're saying it,
frankly, sucks.

Yeah.
You gotta fix your delivery.

You can't start with shame.

You gotta start
with entertainment.

Life is hard,
and the dividends are a treat.

If you want to talk
people out of taking 'em,

your show has gotta
have some treats in it, too.

All your show needs is
some zazz.

And since you used theater

to help us with hockey,

we were thinking
maybe we can use hockey

to help you with your show.

I mean, there's a reason
people like to watch sports.

They're big and dumb,
but they are fun.

So we were thinking
we help you with the zazz,

and then we perform with you

during the second intermission
at tonight's playoff game.

HuhSafety in numbers.

They can't shoot
tee-shirt cannons at all of us.

They only have one.

So, what do you say, Judy?

I say yes! And...

I also say thank you.

Now, let's move this furniture

so we can expand
our performance perimeter.

There she is.
So here's the plan.

First, ditch the turtleneck

and the dumb check mask
for a fun mascot costume.

People love that.

Who here likes
the Puck Chuckers?

[cheering]

And who likes the Lumberjacks?

[booing]

Who here likes Alaska?

[cheering]

Did you know
Big Oil is ruining it?

Well, it is.

All right, now I'm gonna
fall over and make you laugh

while you think about that.
Oh, whoa.

[laughter, cheering]

Sports fans love a gal
in a short, sparkly dress.

Lucky for you,
I was in Smurfs on Ice

for eight months in my twenties.

[cheering]

And there's one thing
during a hockey game

that you know
is gonna bring down the house.

-Take that, Greedy Oil Pig!
-[grunts]

That really hurt, Judy!
Great job.

Here, put some ice on it.

-[grunting]
-[spectators cheering]

[Judy yells]

And finally,
you give 'em free stuff.

Shirt me!

-Oh!
-[spectators laugh]

-[cheering, whooping]
-Yes!

Well, Jude, turns out
everyone was pretty happy

to endure your art.

Yeah. One woman even said

my show convinced her
to donate her dividend check

to a good cause this year
instead of spending it all

on cameos from Mark Cuban.

You convinced us, too.

Yeah, we're totes donating

-our dividend check next year.
-Wow.

I mean, I wanted my show

to take down Big Oil entirely
and save Alaska,

but changing three people's
minds is pretty neat, too.

That's the spirit.
And hey, the Puck Chuckers won.

Well, technically, the other
team got so sloshed

during our show, several of
them fell asleep on the ice,

-but a win is a win.
-[horn honks]

[Beef]
Ah, I believe our ride is here.

So you guys really bought that?

You bet your ass we did.

Now let's ride it home.

?

Corner, corner, yes, behind ?

Hands, hands, yes, behind ?

Yes, Chef, yes, Chef ?

Corner, corner, yes, behind ?

Now let's stahj
this family style ?

Yes, Chef, yes, Chef ?

Heard, Chef, heard, Chef,
hands all day ?

Fire the apps ?

Now let's brigade ?

Corner, corner, yes, behind ?

Let's all lose
our freaking minds ?

Yes, Chef,
yes, Chef ?

Yes, Chef, yes, Chef. ?

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