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1
00:00:03,462 --> 00:00:05,964
When the hell are
the pizzas getting here?
2
00:00:06,089 --> 00:00:09,009
My stomach just growled
at me like Cocaine Bear.
3
00:00:10,928 --> 00:00:13,972
It might be my fault
that they're taking forever.
4
00:00:14,097 --> 00:00:16,600
I ordered a vegan one
with cauliflower crust
5
00:00:16,725 --> 00:00:17,851
and tapioca cheese.
6
00:00:17,976 --> 00:00:20,020
And then for the meat, they got to use,
7
00:00:20,145 --> 00:00:22,731
like, a soy isolate. I don't know.
8
00:00:24,650 --> 00:00:27,027
- As a veterinarian...
- Ugh.
9
00:00:27,152 --> 00:00:30,072
I appreciate your vegan values.
10
00:00:30,197 --> 00:00:33,700
But as a hungry man, I think
you should always eat alone.
11
00:00:33,825 --> 00:00:36,119
If I may paraphrase Nathan Hale,
12
00:00:36,245 --> 00:00:38,288
I may not agree with Darlene
calling it a pizza,
13
00:00:38,413 --> 00:00:42,584
but I will defend with my life
her right to eat that crap.
14
00:00:42,709 --> 00:00:45,295
No, Nathan Hale said,
15
00:00:45,420 --> 00:00:48,966
"I regret that I have but one
life to lose for my country."
16
00:00:49,091 --> 00:00:51,969
The "defend my life" thing was Rousseau.
17
00:00:52,094 --> 00:00:54,388
Oh, Darlene.
18
00:00:54,513 --> 00:00:59,309
We are never so stupid as when
we are trying to be smart.
19
00:00:59,434 --> 00:01:02,938
The "defend my life" quote
is by Voltaire.
20
00:01:03,063 --> 00:01:06,191
Oh, Becky.
21
00:01:06,316 --> 00:01:08,235
We're never so stupid
as when we're trying
22
00:01:08,360 --> 00:01:11,530
to prove somebody else stupid.
23
00:01:11,655 --> 00:01:14,116
It was Rousseau.
24
00:01:14,241 --> 00:01:17,160
No, no, Becky's right.
It was Voltaire.
25
00:01:17,286 --> 00:01:18,620
And Becky is the winner
26
00:01:18,745 --> 00:01:20,330
of "stupid stuff we don't care about
27
00:01:20,455 --> 00:01:21,900
"but interrupts 'The Golden Bachelor, '
28
00:01:22,001 --> 00:01:27,004
which we do care about because
that old man deserves love."
29
00:01:27,129 --> 00:01:29,006
Oh, big whoop,
Becky got one thing right.
30
00:01:29,131 --> 00:01:30,716
Doesn't make her a genius.
31
00:01:30,841 --> 00:01:33,343
Oh, the fact that I always
got better grades than you
32
00:01:33,468 --> 00:01:35,804
and now I'm in college
working toward my master's
33
00:01:35,929 --> 00:01:37,389
is why you think I'm a genius.
34
00:01:37,514 --> 00:01:39,641
- Oh!
- Ooh!
35
00:01:39,766 --> 00:01:42,602
It's fine. She can do her sad
little victory lap later
36
00:01:42,728 --> 00:01:44,146
in the room that I rent her.
37
00:01:44,271 --> 00:01:48,442
- Oh-ho! Ooh-hoo-hoo-hoo!
- [Jackie laughs]
38
00:01:48,567 --> 00:01:50,235
I'm still kind of new to the family.
39
00:01:50,360 --> 00:01:51,862
- Should I have ooh'd?
- Uh, depends.
40
00:01:51,987 --> 00:01:56,033
You want to be part of the
family or some outsider weirdo?
41
00:01:56,158 --> 00:01:59,286
Darlene, I can't tell
if you're green with envy
42
00:01:59,411 --> 00:02:01,663
or the lead in an
elementary-school version
43
00:02:01,788 --> 00:02:03,999
of "Wicked."
44
00:02:04,124 --> 00:02:06,209
You think I'm jealous of you
because you were
45
00:02:06,335 --> 00:02:10,589
an honor student 30 years ago?
46
00:02:10,714 --> 00:02:14,301
I read, I watch documentaries,
I listen to podcasts
47
00:02:14,426 --> 00:02:16,178
and not just the ones I agree with.
48
00:02:16,303 --> 00:02:19,723
I also choke down the horrible
ones so I can make fun of them
49
00:02:19,848 --> 00:02:22,768
with veracity.
50
00:02:22,893 --> 00:02:27,314
"Veracity." Big word. Look it up.
51
00:02:27,439 --> 00:02:30,359
Well, that was
a completely normal reaction.
52
00:02:30,484 --> 00:02:32,652
Good luck with that later.
53
00:02:32,778 --> 00:02:34,905
Ah, sometimes
she brings the angry to bed,
54
00:02:35,030 --> 00:02:36,823
which I don't mind.
55
00:02:38,533 --> 00:02:40,744
Better than when she brings the sad.
56
00:02:42,788 --> 00:02:43,663
[door closes]
57
00:02:43,789 --> 00:02:45,499
What's everybody doing over here?
58
00:02:45,624 --> 00:02:48,251
Waiting for pizzas
and trying not to visualize
59
00:02:48,377 --> 00:02:51,254
that thing that Ben just said.
60
00:02:51,380 --> 00:02:54,132
- Dan, what's that?
- What's what?
61
00:02:54,257 --> 00:02:55,717
Is that a reflective vest?
62
00:02:55,842 --> 00:02:57,761
I'd ask if you're a crossing guard,
63
00:02:57,886 --> 00:03:00,389
but I've seen you lay
on the horn to scatter kids
64
00:03:00,514 --> 00:03:03,809
as you blow through a school zone.
65
00:03:03,934 --> 00:03:04,851
Oh, my God.
66
00:03:04,976 --> 00:03:10,023
That was you I saw on the side
of the road picking up trash.
67
00:03:10,148 --> 00:03:12,567
Are you doing community service?
68
00:03:12,692 --> 00:03:14,569
Community service?
69
00:03:14,694 --> 00:03:16,488
You're the one who defaced the sign
70
00:03:16,613 --> 00:03:19,950
to make it say "Welcome to LAN-Turd."
71
00:03:20,075 --> 00:03:24,037
This isn't for the DUI
you took for me, is it?
72
00:03:24,162 --> 00:03:27,124
I gave you 500 bucks for a
lawyer to get you out of that.
73
00:03:27,249 --> 00:03:29,960
Something came up,
and I needed the money.
74
00:03:30,085 --> 00:03:32,712
Something more important than your DUI?
75
00:03:32,838 --> 00:03:35,340
[sighs] It's none
of your business, Neville.
76
00:03:35,465 --> 00:03:38,718
And I'm paying the price
for it, case closed.
77
00:03:38,844 --> 00:03:41,972
Well, usually when you give people money
78
00:03:42,097 --> 00:03:43,306
for something specific,
79
00:03:43,432 --> 00:03:46,268
you just want to know that
that's what they spent it on.
80
00:03:46,393 --> 00:03:48,895
But I guess you don't mind
a little sleight of hand.
81
00:03:49,020 --> 00:03:50,439
You call me a grifter again,
82
00:03:50,564 --> 00:03:51,787
we're going to have a big problem.
83
00:03:51,899 --> 00:03:53,734
Oh, look, everybody in the hot tub
84
00:03:53,819 --> 00:03:56,959
is fishing around with their
feet for somebody's dentures.
85
00:03:57,821 --> 00:04:00,449
I'm not calling you
a grifter this time, Dan,
86
00:04:00,574 --> 00:04:02,117
but you did lie to me.
87
00:04:02,242 --> 00:04:04,369
You call me a liar in my
own house, those people on TV
88
00:04:04,494 --> 00:04:06,621
won't be the only ones
looking for their teeth.
89
00:04:06,746 --> 00:04:08,707
[scoffs]
90
00:04:08,832 --> 00:04:11,501
And now you're threatening me.
That's it. I'm out.
91
00:04:11,626 --> 00:04:13,462
Oh, come on, Neville.
92
00:04:13,587 --> 00:04:15,964
Hey, take a breath, man!
We just ordered pizza.
93
00:04:16,089 --> 00:04:17,299
Oh, sorry, you're right.
94
00:04:17,424 --> 00:04:18,884
I haven't paid for my share of it yet.
95
00:04:19,009 --> 00:04:21,011
Um, here you go.
96
00:04:22,512 --> 00:04:23,513
There you go.
97
00:04:23,638 --> 00:04:25,390
I just paid for it in Dan bucks.
98
00:04:25,515 --> 00:04:28,226
Okay, well, everybody,
it's been a lovely evening,
99
00:04:28,351 --> 00:04:30,645
but we really got to run.
100
00:04:30,762 --> 00:04:33,067
No, seriously, we have to run.
101
00:04:34,551 --> 00:04:38,445
6x05 - When Sisters Collide and
The Return of the Grifters
102
00:04:38,570 --> 00:04:40,614
[bluesy rock music]
103
00:04:40,739 --> 00:04:44,034
? ?
104
00:04:55,629 --> 00:04:56,796
"The Conners" is recorded
105
00:04:56,922 --> 00:04:58,423
in front of a live studio audience.
106
00:04:58,548 --> 00:04:59,633
What are you doing here?
107
00:04:59,758 --> 00:05:01,635
I'm letting Harris
run The Lunch Box today.
108
00:05:01,760 --> 00:05:03,720
The Red Hat Ladies
started meeting there,
109
00:05:03,845 --> 00:05:05,555
and they're trying to recruit me,
110
00:05:05,680 --> 00:05:07,349
and it's all about positivity
and friendship and fun.
111
00:05:07,474 --> 00:05:11,353
And I thought, mm, what's
the kryptonite to that?
112
00:05:11,478 --> 00:05:13,688
Darlene.
113
00:05:13,813 --> 00:05:16,399
Well, I don't care
for friendship and fun,
114
00:05:16,525 --> 00:05:19,402
and I won't stand for it.
115
00:05:19,528 --> 00:05:22,656
Hi, Mom and Aunt Jackie,
for some reason.
116
00:05:24,157 --> 00:05:26,868
- Mom, this is Cash and London.
- Oh.
117
00:05:26,993 --> 00:05:29,204
Sounds like a Guy Ritchie movie.
118
00:05:29,329 --> 00:05:30,750
It's nice to meet you, Mrs. Conner.
119
00:05:30,844 --> 00:05:33,416
Thank you for preparing
all this great food for us.
120
00:05:33,542 --> 00:05:35,460
Oh, please, call me Darlene.
121
00:05:35,585 --> 00:05:38,004
And it's nice to meet you guys,
too, even if you are lying.
122
00:05:38,129 --> 00:05:39,381
[laughter]
123
00:05:39,506 --> 00:05:41,466
Okay, I guess we all know
the food is pretty bad.
124
00:05:41,591 --> 00:05:44,719
Even the stoners say
this stuff will kill you.
125
00:05:44,844 --> 00:05:47,138
Well, we do have
banana-berry smoothies now,
126
00:05:47,264 --> 00:05:48,932
if you guys would like
something a little healthier.
127
00:05:49,057 --> 00:05:52,018
Actually, Darlene,
it's not really healthier.
128
00:05:52,143 --> 00:05:54,521
We learned in biochemistry
that the benefits
129
00:05:54,646 --> 00:05:56,106
of the polyphenols in the berries
130
00:05:56,231 --> 00:05:58,650
are mitigated... you know, lessened...
131
00:05:58,775 --> 00:06:02,404
by the enzymes in the banana.
132
00:06:02,529 --> 00:06:06,908
Well, Cash, all
of the benefits are mitigated...
133
00:06:07,033 --> 00:06:08,535
you know, lessened...
134
00:06:08,660 --> 00:06:11,204
by the scoop of
preservative-filled ice cream
135
00:06:11,329 --> 00:06:13,415
that we dump in there.
136
00:06:13,540 --> 00:06:15,458
Oh, I just thought
you might want to know.
137
00:06:15,584 --> 00:06:17,460
Now you can share my little
food fact with people
138
00:06:17,586 --> 00:06:19,337
and sound smart.
139
00:06:22,716 --> 00:06:24,050
Wow.
140
00:06:24,175 --> 00:06:26,928
Uh, you know what they
might find interesting?
141
00:06:27,053 --> 00:06:30,181
A few blows to the head with this tray.
142
00:06:30,307 --> 00:06:32,142
No, don't kill them.
143
00:06:32,267 --> 00:06:34,311
- Oh, don't kill them?
- No, no, no, no, no.
144
00:06:34,436 --> 00:06:35,937
- Don't. Okay.
- No.
145
00:06:36,062 --> 00:06:37,981
No, I-I just started
hanging out with them.
146
00:06:38,083 --> 00:06:39,145
They didn't mean anything by it.
147
00:06:39,238 --> 00:06:41,651
Yes, they did. They're
assuming that I'm uneducated
148
00:06:41,776 --> 00:06:44,112
because I'm serving food
back here with an apron on.
149
00:06:44,237 --> 00:06:45,447
It it's so classist.
150
00:06:45,572 --> 00:06:47,657
I mean, I went to college.
I was a magazine writer.
151
00:06:47,782 --> 00:06:49,075
I know stuff.
152
00:06:49,200 --> 00:06:52,787
God, what is it with everybody?
Do I look stupid?
153
00:06:55,165 --> 00:06:58,084
That wasn't rhetorical.
154
00:06:58,209 --> 00:07:00,170
Okay, look, my friends are being jerks.
155
00:07:00,295 --> 00:07:02,255
I'll go talk to them.
But please don't hurt them.
156
00:07:02,380 --> 00:07:03,632
We need them for trivia tonight.
157
00:07:03,757 --> 00:07:06,301
Hey. Where do you guys play trivia?
158
00:07:06,426 --> 00:07:09,095
At The All Nighter.
It's a college hangout bar.
159
00:07:09,220 --> 00:07:11,973
- And, no, absolutely not.
- You know what?
160
00:07:12,098 --> 00:07:14,017
Maybe I don't need you
to talk to your friends.
161
00:07:14,142 --> 00:07:17,771
Oh, God, it's in slow motion,
and I can't stop it.
162
00:07:17,896 --> 00:07:20,023
I'm going to this trivia night,
163
00:07:20,148 --> 00:07:21,816
and I'm going to crush
their little brains
164
00:07:21,941 --> 00:07:23,693
with my superior knowledge.
165
00:07:23,818 --> 00:07:25,695
And then you hit them with this.
166
00:07:28,239 --> 00:07:29,958
Oh, don't kill them.
167
00:07:32,285 --> 00:07:34,954
Oh, thanks for swinging
by the wholesaler.
168
00:07:35,080 --> 00:07:36,799
I was desperate for new cutlery.
169
00:07:36,904 --> 00:07:37,948
Yeah, you got it, hon.
170
00:07:38,041 --> 00:07:40,627
Yeah, I was down a few forks
because the customers
171
00:07:40,752 --> 00:07:42,754
keep bending the tines in the rib eye.
172
00:07:42,879 --> 00:07:45,423
That new cook is grilling them too long.
173
00:07:45,548 --> 00:07:48,718
But I guess they like
them tougher in prison
174
00:07:48,843 --> 00:07:51,638
than we do on the outside.
175
00:07:51,763 --> 00:07:53,640
So can I make you something to eat?
176
00:07:53,765 --> 00:07:56,226
Uh, no, no.
I'll... I'll see you at home.
177
00:07:56,351 --> 00:07:58,561
Why? What's the matter?
178
00:07:58,687 --> 00:08:01,022
Honestly, I don't want to run into Dan.
179
00:08:01,147 --> 00:08:02,982
Oh, you're still mad about the money?
180
00:08:03,108 --> 00:08:05,068
Jackie, he took what I gave him
181
00:08:05,193 --> 00:08:07,696
and didn't use it for what
he said he would... not cool.
182
00:08:07,821 --> 00:08:09,572
Okay, so he said he was going to use
183
00:08:09,698 --> 00:08:11,533
the money for one thing
and used it for something else.
184
00:08:11,658 --> 00:08:14,411
It's Chicago.
We vote for people like that.
185
00:08:14,536 --> 00:08:17,580
Well, I don't give anyone
a break for lying,
186
00:08:17,706 --> 00:08:18,707
not even family.
187
00:08:18,832 --> 00:08:20,607
I learned that from my father.
188
00:08:20,632 --> 00:08:21,633
I thought you always told me
189
00:08:21,658 --> 00:08:23,409
your father was never around
to teach you anything.
190
00:08:23,654 --> 00:08:25,557
Well, he taught me by example.
191
00:08:25,714 --> 00:08:28,466
He lied when he missed
my tap-dancing recital,
192
00:08:28,591 --> 00:08:32,095
my blue-ribbon hog
at the 4-H Pork-A-Palooza,
193
00:08:32,220 --> 00:08:34,806
my winning yodel at Oktoberfest...
194
00:08:34,931 --> 00:08:36,766
No, I know, it was bad. It's bad.
195
00:08:36,791 --> 00:08:38,543
Because a boy like that
needs a dad around
196
00:08:38,568 --> 00:08:41,771
to teach him how to defend himself.
197
00:08:41,896 --> 00:08:44,816
I just... I can't stand
being around liars, Jackie.
198
00:08:44,941 --> 00:08:47,318
Spend as much time
with your family as you want,
199
00:08:47,444 --> 00:08:49,362
but Dan is not welcome at our place.
200
00:08:49,487 --> 00:08:51,369
And I am never going over to his.
201
00:08:51,479 --> 00:08:52,824
I am done with him.
202
00:08:54,576 --> 00:08:56,077
You know, when I told you
203
00:08:56,202 --> 00:08:58,079
I wanted you to be more assertive,
204
00:08:58,204 --> 00:09:02,667
that was only supposed
to be when you agree with me!
205
00:09:08,840 --> 00:09:11,634
The super-intense lady
over there ordered you guys
206
00:09:11,760 --> 00:09:13,511
a round of Shirley Temples.
207
00:09:18,391 --> 00:09:20,310
See, now we're in their heads...
208
00:09:20,435 --> 00:09:21,603
- Mm.
- Reminding them
209
00:09:21,728 --> 00:09:26,107
they're only children about
to run into a trivia buzzsaw.
210
00:09:26,232 --> 00:09:29,152
Sometimes I can't believe
211
00:09:29,277 --> 00:09:31,780
that you're a mom.
212
00:09:31,905 --> 00:09:33,656
Hey, everyone, thanks for coming
213
00:09:33,782 --> 00:09:36,075
to Trivia Night at The All Nighter.
214
00:09:36,201 --> 00:09:37,744
[cheers and applause]
215
00:09:37,869 --> 00:09:40,747
Just a reminder... we play
"Jeopardy!"-style rules.
216
00:09:40,872 --> 00:09:43,166
The team that answers
correctly gets first crack
217
00:09:43,291 --> 00:09:44,626
to answer the next question.
218
00:09:44,751 --> 00:09:46,252
Okay, let's do a warm-up drill.
219
00:09:46,377 --> 00:09:48,588
- Ask me any question.
- Okay.
220
00:09:48,713 --> 00:09:52,258
Uh, what's your sister doing here?
221
00:09:52,383 --> 00:09:53,927
Okay.
222
00:09:54,052 --> 00:09:58,431
What is "the first line of
dialogue in most porn movies"?
223
00:10:00,892 --> 00:10:04,521
That's right,
but that's not what I meant.
224
00:10:06,105 --> 00:10:09,025
- Becky, why are you here?
- Oh.
225
00:10:09,150 --> 00:10:12,654
My friends and I come here
on Thursdays after class.
226
00:10:12,779 --> 00:10:15,657
Oh, friends are people who
enjoy spending time with you.
227
00:10:15,782 --> 00:10:17,700
What are you doing here?
228
00:10:17,826 --> 00:10:20,745
Reminding Mark's little pals
that there's a brain
229
00:10:20,870 --> 00:10:23,665
underneath the hairnet
that serves them lunch.
230
00:10:23,790 --> 00:10:25,750
Oh, it's going to be pretty embarrassing
231
00:10:25,875 --> 00:10:29,504
when that brain loses in trivia
to its superior sister brain.
232
00:10:29,605 --> 00:10:30,511
No way.
233
00:10:30,613 --> 00:10:33,967
I'm going to drown you all
in my tsunami of brilliance.
234
00:10:34,092 --> 00:10:37,554
Sorry, sis. You're Toast Malone.
235
00:10:37,679 --> 00:10:41,432
Uh, just so you know,
I'll be cheering for Darlene,
236
00:10:41,558 --> 00:10:44,227
but inside, I think...
237
00:10:44,352 --> 00:10:46,354
this is sad for everyone.
238
00:10:48,106 --> 00:10:50,441
[bluesy harmonica music]
239
00:10:50,567 --> 00:10:54,028
So, hey, thanks again for
stopping by to fix the stools.
240
00:10:54,153 --> 00:10:55,947
They've gotten pretty loose.
241
00:10:56,072 --> 00:10:59,158
When you serve booze, you
have to know who to cut off,
242
00:10:59,284 --> 00:11:01,077
and that's hard
when everybody's wobbling
243
00:11:01,202 --> 00:11:02,662
like Weebles.
244
00:11:02,787 --> 00:11:04,706
You know...
245
00:11:04,831 --> 00:11:07,333
quite a coincidence that
all these screws were loose
246
00:11:07,458 --> 00:11:09,335
by exactly two turns.
247
00:11:09,460 --> 00:11:12,088
- When's Neville getting here?
- Neville? Who's Neville?
248
00:11:12,213 --> 00:11:13,506
Oh, right, Neville.
249
00:11:13,631 --> 00:11:17,302
Yeah, he should be here any second,
250
00:11:17,427 --> 00:11:20,930
but just to pick me up after
work, like he always does.
251
00:11:21,055 --> 00:11:23,975
So he's also a pawn
in this little game of yours?
252
00:11:24,100 --> 00:11:27,520
Please, just go with it.
253
00:11:27,645 --> 00:11:28,605
Hey.
254
00:11:28,730 --> 00:11:29,814
Ugh.
255
00:11:29,939 --> 00:11:31,316
I should have known something was up
256
00:11:31,441 --> 00:11:32,817
when you said if I came in,
257
00:11:32,942 --> 00:11:35,445
you'd have a sexy surprise for me.
258
00:11:35,570 --> 00:11:37,780
And here I am.
259
00:11:37,906 --> 00:11:40,033
- And I'm leaving.
- No, I'm leaving.
260
00:11:40,158 --> 00:11:42,785
I'm the one who's mad,
and I want to slam the door.
261
00:11:42,911 --> 00:11:43,828
Nev... Neville.
262
00:11:43,953 --> 00:11:46,706
Jeez, please, talk to him.
263
00:11:46,831 --> 00:11:49,250
You're the two most important
men in my life.
264
00:11:49,375 --> 00:11:51,252
You always said
that was me and Paul Dano.
265
00:11:51,377 --> 00:11:52,921
Honey.
266
00:11:53,046 --> 00:11:55,048
Dan's not your dad, okay?
267
00:11:55,173 --> 00:11:57,425
I just really need you to work this out.
268
00:11:57,550 --> 00:12:00,178
All right. Fine.
269
00:12:03,556 --> 00:12:05,141
Are we just going to stand here
270
00:12:05,266 --> 00:12:06,935
and stare at each other all night?
271
00:12:07,060 --> 00:12:09,646
Why did you lie to me about
what you did with the money?
272
00:12:09,771 --> 00:12:12,607
I did something stupid.
Now I have to make good on it.
273
00:12:12,732 --> 00:12:15,318
So you ran into a problem.
274
00:12:15,443 --> 00:12:17,570
Why didn't you take me aside
and tell me?
275
00:12:17,695 --> 00:12:21,157
What's the point?
I'm clearly a con man.
276
00:12:21,282 --> 00:12:24,369
For the last 50 years, I've lain in wait
277
00:12:24,494 --> 00:12:25,870
for Jackie to marry a doctor
278
00:12:25,995 --> 00:12:29,374
just so I could swindle him out of $500.
279
00:12:29,499 --> 00:12:32,043
But I wasn't counting
on the likes of you!
280
00:12:34,587 --> 00:12:38,174
All right, everyone, just
a quick score update for you...
281
00:12:38,299 --> 00:12:40,843
"Laurence O-triv-ier" is out.
282
00:12:40,969 --> 00:12:44,681
So in first place, we have
team "Alex TreBecky"...
283
00:12:44,806 --> 00:12:46,599
Yeah!
284
00:12:46,724 --> 00:12:49,978
Followed by
"Hold me Closer, Tiny Answer."
285
00:12:50,103 --> 00:12:51,854
[both grunt]
286
00:12:51,980 --> 00:12:55,233
"Mark Spitz Facts,"
this question is to you.
287
00:12:55,358 --> 00:12:57,819
"Plutophobia is the fear of what?"
288
00:13:00,238 --> 00:13:01,906
Uh...
289
00:13:02,031 --> 00:13:05,868
plutophobia is the fear of Pluto.
290
00:13:05,994 --> 00:13:07,829
Is it a planet? Is it an asteroid?
291
00:13:07,954 --> 00:13:09,414
Is it a cartoon dog?
292
00:13:09,539 --> 00:13:11,749
Nobody knows, and they're afraid of it.
293
00:13:11,874 --> 00:13:13,876
I'm sorry, that's incorrect.
294
00:13:14,002 --> 00:13:16,421
Oh, the question goes to
"Hold Me Closer, Tiny Answer."
295
00:13:16,546 --> 00:13:19,757
Plutophobia is the fear of having money,
296
00:13:19,882 --> 00:13:22,969
the one mental disorder missing
in my family.
297
00:13:23,094 --> 00:13:25,054
That is correct.
298
00:13:25,179 --> 00:13:28,766
- Yes!
- [both grunting]
299
00:13:30,184 --> 00:13:31,936
And with that question,
300
00:13:32,061 --> 00:13:33,938
"Alex TreBecky" and "Tiny Answer"
301
00:13:34,063 --> 00:13:37,692
are tied for the top score,
which means it's sudden death.
302
00:13:37,817 --> 00:13:39,027
Well, you're gone.
303
00:13:39,152 --> 00:13:40,820
And you're as good as dead.
304
00:13:40,945 --> 00:13:43,197
But don't worry...
I'll visit your grave.
305
00:13:43,322 --> 00:13:47,201
"Beloved mother, sister, trivia loser."
306
00:13:47,326 --> 00:13:50,204
Yours will just say, "Finally."
307
00:13:50,329 --> 00:13:53,166
Okay, "Tiny Answer,"
this is for the game.
308
00:13:53,291 --> 00:13:55,460
"What is the name of the daughter
309
00:13:55,585 --> 00:14:00,631
in a popular TV comedy who
is known for being a vegan?"
310
00:14:00,757 --> 00:14:04,260
Oh. Oh, I know this. I know this.
311
00:14:04,385 --> 00:14:06,012
- Come on.
- [groans]
312
00:14:06,137 --> 00:14:07,513
- I know this!
- I know!
313
00:14:07,638 --> 00:14:09,932
God, it sounds so familiar.
314
00:14:10,058 --> 00:14:11,309
Ten seconds.
315
00:14:11,434 --> 00:14:13,144
Okay, she lives in a working-class town.
316
00:14:13,269 --> 00:14:15,271
She's got that mom with the funny voice
317
00:14:15,396 --> 00:14:16,856
and the dad who drinks a lot of beer.
318
00:14:16,981 --> 00:14:18,024
Five seconds.
319
00:14:18,149 --> 00:14:20,693
Oh, my God, it's
on the tip of my tongue.
320
00:14:20,818 --> 00:14:22,779
Oh, I'm so sorry. You're out of time.
321
00:14:22,904 --> 00:14:25,740
Oh, the question goes
to "Alex TreBecky."
322
00:14:25,865 --> 00:14:28,076
Buh-bye.
323
00:14:28,201 --> 00:14:32,455
The answer is that
mystery-solving vegan, Velma,
324
00:14:32,580 --> 00:14:33,748
from Scooby-Doo.
325
00:14:33,873 --> 00:14:36,375
Ruh-roh.
326
00:14:36,501 --> 00:14:40,171
The correct answer is Lisa Simpson.
327
00:14:40,296 --> 00:14:42,006
That guess was more embarrassing
328
00:14:42,131 --> 00:14:43,925
than not getting it at all.
329
00:14:44,050 --> 00:14:46,928
God, you're so jealous of me,
it's humiliating.
330
00:14:47,053 --> 00:14:50,431
No, what's humiliating
is being a 48-year-old woman
331
00:14:50,556 --> 00:14:52,225
at a college trivia night.
332
00:14:52,350 --> 00:14:55,812
Oh, honey, you're going
to regret that one.
333
00:14:55,937 --> 00:14:57,980
No, what's humiliating is trying to beat
334
00:14:58,106 --> 00:14:59,565
your son's friends
at a college trivia night.
335
00:14:59,690 --> 00:15:01,984
- Screw you!
- Oh! Oh!
336
00:15:02,110 --> 00:15:04,362
Where are you?
I can't see you because I'm...
337
00:15:04,487 --> 00:15:06,364
I'm blinded by your wit!
338
00:15:06,489 --> 00:15:08,324
Okay, this is a friendly game.
339
00:15:08,449 --> 00:15:09,992
- You need to leave.
- Yeah, you hear that?
340
00:15:10,118 --> 00:15:11,994
- You should leave. Go.
- He's talking to you!
341
00:15:12,120 --> 00:15:13,579
- Bye!
- He's talking to you!
342
00:15:13,704 --> 00:15:15,039
- Bye!
- You!
343
00:15:15,164 --> 00:15:16,332
- Bye!
- You!
344
00:15:16,457 --> 00:15:18,584
Both of you!
345
00:15:18,709 --> 00:15:21,504
- Now.
- You.
346
00:15:21,629 --> 00:15:23,631
[sighs] I'm right behind you.
347
00:15:23,756 --> 00:15:24,841
Just got to pay the bill
348
00:15:24,966 --> 00:15:26,843
and explain how the Buffalo wing sauce
349
00:15:26,968 --> 00:15:29,011
interacted with your medication.
350
00:15:32,014 --> 00:15:33,599
What the hell is wrong with you?
351
00:15:33,724 --> 00:15:35,143
There is nothing wrong with me.
352
00:15:35,268 --> 00:15:36,727
You're just being a jerk lately.
353
00:15:36,853 --> 00:15:39,355
You always think I'm a jerk,
so what's different now?
354
00:15:39,480 --> 00:15:42,150
Lately, everybody's
treating me like I'm a dummy.
355
00:15:42,275 --> 00:15:44,235
Even Mark's friends
are talking down to me.
356
00:15:44,360 --> 00:15:45,444
And you never miss an opportunity
357
00:15:45,570 --> 00:15:46,904
to make fun of my job.
358
00:15:47,029 --> 00:15:48,739
I never said anything
bad about your job.
359
00:15:48,865 --> 00:15:50,491
- I know why you're doing it.
- Oh, whatever.
360
00:15:50,616 --> 00:15:52,160
I'm sure you say it behind my back.
361
00:15:52,285 --> 00:15:55,246
If I'm gonna slam you,
I'm gonna do it to your face.
362
00:15:55,371 --> 00:15:57,707
I want to see that little flash of hurt.
363
00:15:57,832 --> 00:16:00,543
It's like whipped cream
on top of a brownie.
364
00:16:02,587 --> 00:16:04,380
It wasn't supposed to be this way.
365
00:16:04,505 --> 00:16:06,424
You know, your life wasn't
supposed to be getting better
366
00:16:06,549 --> 00:16:08,134
while mine was getting worse.
367
00:16:08,259 --> 00:16:10,011
You got to be kidding me.
368
00:16:10,136 --> 00:16:14,390
I spent so much time
screwing up my life,
369
00:16:14,515 --> 00:16:16,809
it took me forever to get here.
370
00:16:16,934 --> 00:16:20,938
I was kind of hoping that
you'd just be happy for me.
371
00:16:21,063 --> 00:16:22,773
Well, I was kind of hoping that, too.
372
00:16:22,899 --> 00:16:24,817
It would make me a much better person.
373
00:16:26,611 --> 00:16:31,282
Look, this is hard for me to admit...
374
00:16:31,407 --> 00:16:34,869
but the only reason I'm doing
so well is because of you.
375
00:16:34,994 --> 00:16:37,455
You convinced me to go back to school.
376
00:16:37,580 --> 00:16:40,750
You gave me and Beverly Rose
a place to live.
377
00:16:40,875 --> 00:16:43,961
My successes are your successes.
378
00:16:44,086 --> 00:16:47,965
Does that mean my failures
are also your failures?
379
00:16:48,090 --> 00:16:52,178
You have so little, why don't
you keep those for yourself?
380
00:16:52,303 --> 00:16:55,014
You knew you would be
way overqualified for your job,
381
00:16:55,139 --> 00:16:57,892
but that doesn't make you
a less intelligent person.
382
00:16:58,017 --> 00:17:00,019
Yeah, but I just don't feel sharp.
383
00:17:00,144 --> 00:17:03,231
I mean, Voltaire, Rousseau...
I used to know all that stuff.
384
00:17:03,356 --> 00:17:05,107
Now I'm on autopilot every day,
385
00:17:05,233 --> 00:17:07,360
and I'm just not being
challenged right now.
386
00:17:07,485 --> 00:17:09,570
You know, you need to find other ways
387
00:17:09,695 --> 00:17:11,280
to engage your mind.
388
00:17:11,405 --> 00:17:14,617
A lot of people your age,
they like the Jumble.
389
00:17:16,786 --> 00:17:18,829
[knock at door]
390
00:17:24,210 --> 00:17:27,046
Before you slam the door in my face,
391
00:17:27,171 --> 00:17:30,549
I'm sorry I got so mad.
392
00:17:30,675 --> 00:17:32,885
You're being all vague about something
393
00:17:33,010 --> 00:17:34,428
that you think I can't understand,
394
00:17:34,553 --> 00:17:36,097
but I don't understand what it is
395
00:17:36,222 --> 00:17:38,683
I'm not supposed to be understanding.
396
00:17:38,808 --> 00:17:41,394
If you're going to babble
a bunch of nonsense,
397
00:17:41,519 --> 00:17:44,272
have the decency to do it
a little drunk.
398
00:17:44,397 --> 00:17:46,148
Come on in.
399
00:17:46,274 --> 00:17:47,441
I'll get your beer.
400
00:17:50,319 --> 00:17:52,071
Oh, hey, Crystal.
401
00:17:52,196 --> 00:17:54,198
I had no idea you were still up.
402
00:17:54,323 --> 00:17:57,159
Oh, uh, Dan, I didn't know
you had company.
403
00:17:57,285 --> 00:17:58,411
We can talk another time.
404
00:17:58,536 --> 00:18:01,289
Wait, I know you. I've seen pictures.
405
00:18:01,414 --> 00:18:04,000
You're Jackie's husband, Neville.
406
00:18:04,125 --> 00:18:06,419
Neville, this is Crystal,
my dad's widow.
407
00:18:06,544 --> 00:18:08,421
I've heard so much about you.
408
00:18:08,546 --> 00:18:11,299
Aren't you also Dan's wife's brother?
409
00:18:11,424 --> 00:18:12,758
Yes, I am.
410
00:18:12,883 --> 00:18:16,470
You guys don't fish in too
many different ponds, do you?
411
00:18:18,472 --> 00:18:20,141
She just got out of the hospital.
412
00:18:20,266 --> 00:18:22,143
She's going to stay with us
for a couple of weeks.
413
00:18:22,268 --> 00:18:23,769
We don't want to keep you up, Crystal.
414
00:18:23,894 --> 00:18:26,897
No, I'm feeling better, thanks to you.
415
00:18:27,023 --> 00:18:28,649
Dan's the only good thing
416
00:18:28,774 --> 00:18:32,320
my worthless bastard
of a husband ever gave me.
417
00:18:32,445 --> 00:18:35,698
Dan coming up with the money
to help me pay my medical bills
418
00:18:35,823 --> 00:18:38,159
was a lifesaver.
419
00:18:39,910 --> 00:18:42,580
[sighs] It's no big deal, Crystal.
420
00:18:42,705 --> 00:18:45,166
I think it's time for you to go to bed.
421
00:18:45,291 --> 00:18:46,917
Nice to meet you, Neville.
422
00:18:47,043 --> 00:18:50,212
They gave me a gummy for my pain,
423
00:18:50,338 --> 00:18:53,341
and I'm starting to hear colors.
424
00:18:58,554 --> 00:19:00,639
[sighs]
425
00:19:00,765 --> 00:19:03,351
Well, the further I get
into this family,
426
00:19:03,476 --> 00:19:05,353
the more questions I have.
427
00:19:05,478 --> 00:19:09,440
That's what she didn't want
me to tell anybody about.
428
00:19:09,565 --> 00:19:13,194
But apparently Earl Grey
and a gummy changed her mind.
429
00:19:15,363 --> 00:19:19,367
I used the 500
to buy her heart medicine.
430
00:19:19,492 --> 00:19:22,745
She was embarrassed
to be taking a handout.
431
00:19:22,870 --> 00:19:25,081
That is very generous, Dan,
432
00:19:25,206 --> 00:19:27,124
but I would have understood that.
433
00:19:27,792 --> 00:19:29,251
When she was married to my dad,
434
00:19:29,377 --> 00:19:31,295
she noticed her ankles started swelling.
435
00:19:31,420 --> 00:19:35,800
And my dad didn't want to pay
for a bunch of expensive tests,
436
00:19:35,925 --> 00:19:38,969
so he convinced her
all she needed was diuretics.
437
00:19:39,095 --> 00:19:41,097
Wow. He did that to his own wife?
438
00:19:41,222 --> 00:19:43,349
He was always trying to beat the system.
439
00:19:43,474 --> 00:19:46,769
He talked me into getting
them from my doctor,
440
00:19:46,894 --> 00:19:48,687
and like a fool, I went along with it,
441
00:19:48,813 --> 00:19:50,398
and she never got tested.
442
00:19:50,523 --> 00:19:52,441
What was actually wrong with her?
443
00:19:52,566 --> 00:19:55,277
Congestive heart failure.
444
00:19:55,403 --> 00:19:57,488
Just found out about a year ago.
445
00:19:57,613 --> 00:19:59,615
And I carry some of the blame for that.
446
00:19:59,740 --> 00:20:03,369
Oh, that's not on you, man.
Your dad talked you into it.
447
00:20:03,494 --> 00:20:05,704
But I'm starting to understand
448
00:20:05,830 --> 00:20:09,834
why the word "grifter"
bothers you so much.
449
00:20:09,959 --> 00:20:13,003
Yeah, I had stuff with my dad, too.
450
00:20:13,129 --> 00:20:16,549
Yeah, Louise told me he was
a real piece of work.
451
00:20:16,674 --> 00:20:20,428
Why do you think I give
all my love to animals, hmm?
452
00:20:20,553 --> 00:20:22,888
A cow never lied to me
about why he couldn't come
453
00:20:23,013 --> 00:20:25,433
to my yodeling competition.
454
00:20:25,558 --> 00:20:27,935
You yodeled?
455
00:20:28,060 --> 00:20:30,229
Boy, talk about stuff
you don't want to tell people.
456
00:20:32,898 --> 00:20:35,943
You'd think at our age,
we still wouldn't be dealing
457
00:20:36,068 --> 00:20:38,112
with daddy issues, you know?
458
00:20:38,237 --> 00:20:41,949
Thank God we have great partners who...
459
00:20:42,074 --> 00:20:44,118
you know, put up with our baggage.
460
00:20:44,243 --> 00:20:45,744
Here's to the men who ruined us
461
00:20:45,870 --> 00:20:48,289
and the women just
damaged enough to want us.
462
00:20:48,414 --> 00:20:49,957
[bottles clink]
463
00:20:53,961 --> 00:20:56,589
ALL: Darlene!
464
00:20:59,133 --> 00:21:01,427
What do you say to a beer, Darlene?
465
00:21:01,552 --> 00:21:03,929
I'd say, bring your friend Tom Collins,
466
00:21:04,054 --> 00:21:06,098
'cause I'm in the mood for a throuple.
467
00:21:07,808 --> 00:21:09,643
I got to ask you, Darlene,
468
00:21:09,768 --> 00:21:11,729
what do you get
out of beating these kids
469
00:21:11,854 --> 00:21:14,190
at trivia every week.
470
00:21:14,315 --> 00:21:16,108
Hmm, I'm not sure.
471
00:21:16,233 --> 00:21:17,735
Let me ask my friend.
472
00:21:19,403 --> 00:21:22,281
Oh, Mr. Collins would like to know
473
00:21:22,406 --> 00:21:23,866
why you're standing here yammering at me
474
00:21:23,991 --> 00:21:26,035
when you've got a game to start.
475
00:21:27,620 --> 00:21:29,079
[child giggles]
476
00:21:29,129 --> 00:21:33,679
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