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1
00:00:02,240 --> 00:00:03,740
[alarm clock blaring]
2
00:00:03,800 --> 00:00:06,330
Adult mark (v.O.):As a kid,
there's no day more special
3
00:00:06,340 --> 00:00:07,570
Than your birthday.
4
00:00:07,580 --> 00:00:08,950
Fourteen!
5
00:00:08,940 --> 00:00:11,810
I was a bona fide teenager
with one year's experience.
6
00:00:11,810 --> 00:00:14,280
After 364 days
of nothing special,
7
00:00:14,420 --> 00:00:15,850
This was my chance
8
00:00:15,880 --> 00:00:19,480
To be the centre of attention
for the entire day.
9
00:00:19,490 --> 00:00:24,130
Fox: [sultry voice]
? happy birthday to you... ?
10
00:00:24,190 --> 00:00:28,260
? happy birthday,
mister criiiitch... ?
11
00:00:28,300 --> 00:00:29,900
[wolf whistle from crowd]
12
00:00:29,930 --> 00:00:34,230
Fox: ? happy birthday to you! ?
13
00:00:34,240 --> 00:00:36,110
[applause]
14
00:00:36,240 --> 00:00:39,810
Crowd: [chanting]
mark, mark, mark, mark...!
15
00:00:39,940 --> 00:00:42,070
Mark, mark...
16
00:00:42,210 --> 00:00:45,680
-Aw... That's my boy.
17
00:00:45,750 --> 00:00:47,280
-That's no boy.
18
00:00:47,280 --> 00:00:48,680
That's a man!
19
00:00:48,680 --> 00:00:51,250
[chanting and applause
continues]
20
00:00:51,250 --> 00:00:53,950
-Good morning!
The birthday boy is...
21
00:00:54,090 --> 00:00:56,420
Here?
22
00:00:56,420 --> 00:00:58,090
Mike sr: Watch the door, now.
23
00:00:58,090 --> 00:01:00,220
Mark: Oh... Heh.
24
00:01:00,360 --> 00:01:02,030
Mike sr: Where do you
want this, mary?
25
00:01:02,060 --> 00:01:04,230
Mary: Put it anywhere.
26
00:01:04,230 --> 00:01:05,830
Well, not there!
27
00:01:05,870 --> 00:01:06,770
Move it over here.
28
00:01:06,900 --> 00:01:08,000
[mike sr. Sighs]
29
00:01:08,040 --> 00:01:09,710
Adult mark (v.O.):
Every spring, my family moved
30
00:01:09,770 --> 00:01:12,240
Everything outside
{\i1}so it could get some air on it.
31
00:01:12,240 --> 00:01:14,170
-Pop! Will ya
get your feet off this?
32
00:01:14,180 --> 00:01:15,310
-Why?
33
00:01:15,380 --> 00:01:17,180
The couch is dirtier
than my shoes.
34
00:01:17,210 --> 00:01:18,710
Mark: You might say...
35
00:01:18,780 --> 00:01:20,750
That it's a pretty special...
Day?
36
00:01:20,880 --> 00:01:22,250
-Sure is, son.
37
00:01:22,280 --> 00:01:24,580
Today's the day
we air out the house!
38
00:01:24,590 --> 00:01:27,360
Now, go get your bedclothes
and put 'em on the picnic table.
39
00:01:27,350 --> 00:01:29,080
Adult mark (v.O.):
The love seat was getting
40
00:01:29,220 --> 00:01:30,250
More attention than I was.
41
00:01:30,390 --> 00:01:32,860
Pop: Well, well, well!
42
00:01:32,860 --> 00:01:37,560
Ooh, it looks like you got
something pretty big today, huh?
43
00:01:37,700 --> 00:01:38,530
Hah...
44
00:01:38,600 --> 00:01:41,400
A real...
Humdinger of a pimple!
45
00:01:42,600 --> 00:01:44,700
-What?!
46
00:01:44,740 --> 00:01:46,340
Adult mark (v.O.):
As if everyone forgetting
47
00:01:46,370 --> 00:01:47,540
My birthday wasn't bad enough,
48
00:01:47,670 --> 00:01:49,970
I'd sprouted
the mount vesuvius of zits.
49
00:01:49,980 --> 00:01:51,250
-No!
50
00:01:51,280 --> 00:01:52,810
Adult mark (v.O.):
I could only hope
51
00:01:52,810 --> 00:01:55,240
It would pop as easily
as my expectations.
52
00:01:55,320 --> 00:01:57,620
[knock on door]
53
00:01:57,690 --> 00:01:58,760
-Occupied!
54
00:01:58,790 --> 00:02:00,990
Pop: Poland wasn't
occupied this long!
55
00:02:01,120 --> 00:02:02,450
[banging on door]
56
00:02:02,490 --> 00:02:03,560
Adult mark (v.O.):Concealer!
57
00:02:03,590 --> 00:02:05,360
Happy birthday to me!
58
00:02:05,430 --> 00:02:07,160
Pop: This bladder's
80 years old!
59
00:02:07,160 --> 00:02:09,030
Adult mark (v.O.):This
was not as easy-breezy
60
00:02:09,160 --> 00:02:10,290
As in the commercials.
61
00:02:10,300 --> 00:02:12,430
As soon as it went on,
it was washed off
62
00:02:12,430 --> 00:02:13,560
By floods of flop sweat!
63
00:02:13,600 --> 00:02:15,770
Nothing a little deodorant
wouldn't fix...
64
00:02:15,840 --> 00:02:20,080
-[knocking continues]
-pop: Oh, come on, lad!
65
00:02:20,140 --> 00:02:21,640
Oh, god!
66
00:02:21,640 --> 00:02:24,110
Finally!
Go on, get out!
67
00:02:24,150 --> 00:02:25,780
You're in the splash zone.
68
00:02:25,810 --> 00:02:27,640
-Oh, god.
69
00:02:27,650 --> 00:02:29,250
-Ohh!
70
00:02:29,320 --> 00:02:33,360
[indistinct chatter
and laughter]
71
00:02:39,530 --> 00:02:41,130
-What's wrong with your face?
72
00:02:41,130 --> 00:02:42,530
Adult mark (v.O.):Everything!
73
00:02:42,530 --> 00:02:44,600
-I don't know what you mean.
74
00:02:44,600 --> 00:02:47,000
-You've got white gunk
on your forehead.
75
00:02:49,040 --> 00:02:50,940
-Oh.
76
00:02:51,010 --> 00:02:52,410
Moisturizer.
77
00:02:52,540 --> 00:02:55,440
You know, it's never too early
to take care of your skin.
78
00:02:57,010 --> 00:02:58,980
Adult mark (v.O.):
The deodorant had dried,
79
00:02:58,980 --> 00:03:00,810
Making it worse!
80
00:03:00,810 --> 00:03:02,410
-Here.
81
00:03:02,420 --> 00:03:05,220
Happy birthday, nerd.
82
00:03:05,250 --> 00:03:06,680
-Thanks.
83
00:03:09,020 --> 00:03:10,350
Exactly what I wanted.
84
00:03:10,420 --> 00:03:12,550
Middle fox:
Happy birthday, loser!
85
00:03:12,630 --> 00:03:14,030
Adult mark (v.O.):
Getting "flakied."
86
00:03:14,090 --> 00:03:16,290
{\i1}A long-held birthday tradition.
87
00:03:16,330 --> 00:03:17,760
There was only
one thing worse...
88
00:03:17,900 --> 00:03:19,230
-It's your birthday!
89
00:03:19,300 --> 00:03:21,030
You know what that means...
90
00:03:21,170 --> 00:03:22,770
-No...
91
00:03:22,840 --> 00:03:23,710
Kids: One, two...
92
00:03:23,770 --> 00:03:25,200
Adult mark (v.O.):The bumps!
93
00:03:25,210 --> 00:03:27,010
{\i1}One for every year of your life.
94
00:03:27,010 --> 00:03:28,680
Suddenly having
people forget my birthday
95
00:03:28,680 --> 00:03:30,650
Didn't seem like
such a bad thing.
96
00:03:33,710 --> 00:03:35,210
Mr. Chafe: Happy birthday, mark!
97
00:03:35,280 --> 00:03:36,580
-What?!
98
00:03:36,580 --> 00:03:39,380
[counting continues]
99
00:03:39,520 --> 00:03:41,520
Mary: Did you see
the look on mark's face?
100
00:03:41,660 --> 00:03:43,790
He thinks
we forgot his birthday!
101
00:03:43,920 --> 00:03:46,290
Sin.
God, I love surprise parties!
102
00:03:46,290 --> 00:03:48,760
-Hey, I got the decorations.
103
00:03:48,760 --> 00:03:51,090
I don't know if you wanted
neon green or neon orange,
104
00:03:51,230 --> 00:03:52,500
So I got both.
105
00:03:52,630 --> 00:03:55,260
-Good god! Is this a birthday
party or the coronation?
106
00:03:55,270 --> 00:03:56,940
-Shhh!
107
00:03:56,970 --> 00:03:58,900
Where are the party hats?
108
00:03:58,970 --> 00:04:00,140
-Shoot, you know what?
109
00:04:00,270 --> 00:04:01,470
Uh, I forgot to get 'em,
110
00:04:01,610 --> 00:04:03,880
But I can go and pick 'em up
when I grab linda.
111
00:04:04,010 --> 00:04:05,280
-Linda?
112
00:04:05,350 --> 00:04:07,380
You're not going out on the town
on your brother's birthday?
113
00:04:07,410 --> 00:04:09,310
-No, no, no,
she's coming to the party!
114
00:04:09,450 --> 00:04:11,020
-It's a family celebration.
115
00:04:11,050 --> 00:04:13,080
-I think what your mother
is trying to say
116
00:04:13,220 --> 00:04:17,060
Is that linda seems very nice,
but you shouldn't feel obligated
117
00:04:17,060 --> 00:04:21,560
To stay with someone in trouble,
if you're not the one who...
118
00:04:21,600 --> 00:04:22,970
Troubled them.
119
00:04:22,960 --> 00:04:24,560
-I already told you guys,
I'm not the father.
120
00:04:24,700 --> 00:04:26,970
-Then stop playing
like you are!
121
00:04:27,100 --> 00:04:28,430
-I'm not playing anything!
122
00:04:28,500 --> 00:04:30,430
I'm not a kid, mom!
Okay?
123
00:04:30,570 --> 00:04:32,900
And my girlfriend
is coming to the party,
124
00:04:32,910 --> 00:04:34,010
Or I'm not.
125
00:04:37,510 --> 00:04:40,010
-Great job on "the talk."
126
00:04:46,820 --> 00:04:47,890
-Whoa!
127
00:04:48,020 --> 00:04:49,550
Dude, that is angry!
128
00:04:49,620 --> 00:04:51,790
-I can't go back out like this.
I'm a monster!
129
00:04:51,860 --> 00:04:54,230
-Look, it's perfectly natural.
130
00:04:54,300 --> 00:04:56,400
Hormones,
they're raging inside of us.
131
00:04:56,400 --> 00:04:58,530
Next comes body hair,
132
00:04:58,570 --> 00:05:01,940
Then mood swings,
and, well....
133
00:05:01,970 --> 00:05:02,800
You know.
134
00:05:02,870 --> 00:05:04,340
Adult mark (v.O.):
I didn't know.
135
00:05:04,340 --> 00:05:05,740
-Yeah.
136
00:05:05,870 --> 00:05:07,200
Totally.
137
00:05:07,240 --> 00:05:08,470
-Oh, man...
138
00:05:08,480 --> 00:05:10,210
You haven't had the talk yet?
139
00:05:10,210 --> 00:05:11,410
My dad just gave it to me.
140
00:05:11,410 --> 00:05:13,410
And dude, it was wild.
141
00:05:13,450 --> 00:05:15,020
Mr. Perez: As you become a man,
142
00:05:15,150 --> 00:05:18,090
Your body changes
in the following ten ways,
143
00:05:18,150 --> 00:05:20,420
Five of which are disgusting,
144
00:05:20,420 --> 00:05:23,490
And two are terrifying.
145
00:05:25,330 --> 00:05:29,230
-[dramatic music]
-[slides switching]
146
00:05:29,260 --> 00:05:30,230
-Ugh!
147
00:05:30,300 --> 00:05:31,300
[toilet flushes]
148
00:05:31,430 --> 00:05:32,760
Middle fox: Aw!
149
00:05:32,830 --> 00:05:35,900
Did the wittle sooky
babies need the talk?
150
00:05:36,040 --> 00:05:37,040
-So?
151
00:05:37,070 --> 00:05:39,600
How else are we supposed
to know about puberty?
152
00:05:39,610 --> 00:05:42,650
-I know all about
the lady's bits and bobs.
153
00:05:42,780 --> 00:05:44,380
The here and there of, uh...
154
00:05:44,510 --> 00:05:45,710
Them.
155
00:05:45,710 --> 00:05:47,580
Middle fox: Meet me
after school.
156
00:05:47,580 --> 00:05:50,850
I'm gonna show you something
that'll blow your minds.
157
00:05:53,250 --> 00:05:54,650
Mike jr: Alright, on three.
158
00:05:54,660 --> 00:05:56,390
One, two, three!
159
00:05:56,460 --> 00:05:57,790
Pop: Okay, good.
160
00:05:57,830 --> 00:05:59,930
Bring it 'round here.
161
00:06:00,060 --> 00:06:01,730
Good.
A bit more, a bit more.
162
00:06:01,860 --> 00:06:03,430
Ah, good.
163
00:06:03,560 --> 00:06:05,790
Mike jr: What's this?
164
00:06:05,930 --> 00:06:06,800
-What?
165
00:06:08,300 --> 00:06:11,530
Oh!
My goodness, yeah.
166
00:06:11,670 --> 00:06:13,740
Oh...
I thought these were long gone.
167
00:06:13,770 --> 00:06:15,400
-She was pretty cute!
-Mm-hm.
168
00:06:15,440 --> 00:06:17,240
-Yeah, who is she?
169
00:06:17,310 --> 00:06:19,210
-Sister rose.
170
00:06:19,250 --> 00:06:20,350
-Gross.
171
00:06:20,350 --> 00:06:21,950
-We must have been
about your age.
172
00:06:22,080 --> 00:06:25,480
-What happened?
-I was a fool. Hm.
173
00:06:25,520 --> 00:06:27,350
We let other people pressure us
174
00:06:27,490 --> 00:06:31,160
Into walking away
from the ones we loved.
175
00:06:33,430 --> 00:06:36,360
-Your mom got to you, too, huh?
176
00:06:36,360 --> 00:06:38,760
-You follow your heart, son.
177
00:06:38,900 --> 00:06:40,900
You don't want to end up
when you're 80,
178
00:06:41,030 --> 00:06:44,370
Looking at old photographs
and wondering...
179
00:06:44,370 --> 00:06:46,570
What might have been.
180
00:06:46,570 --> 00:06:51,140
[poignant music]
181
00:06:53,450 --> 00:06:55,980
Adult mark (v.O.):Alone
{\i1}in the woods with fox's brother,
182
00:06:55,980 --> 00:06:58,250
I couldn't help wondering
if this would turn out
183
00:06:58,290 --> 00:06:59,790
To be my last birthday.
184
00:07:00,850 --> 00:07:03,850
[foliage rustling]
185
00:07:03,990 --> 00:07:06,260
-Uh!
-Careful, it's dirty.
186
00:07:06,290 --> 00:07:07,920
-It's got mud all over it.
187
00:07:08,060 --> 00:07:10,530
-No, I mean
the good kinda dirty.
188
00:07:10,560 --> 00:07:11,890
Adult mark (v.O.):
He was right.
189
00:07:12,030 --> 00:07:13,530
It wasn't just
a dirty magazine...
190
00:07:13,570 --> 00:07:15,800
It was a dirty magazine!
191
00:07:15,800 --> 00:07:17,270
-It's just a loaner.
192
00:07:17,400 --> 00:07:19,070
Bring it back tomorrow.
193
00:07:19,140 --> 00:07:21,470
-I-I can't take this home!
What if someone sees?
194
00:07:21,610 --> 00:07:22,910
-I'll take it!
195
00:07:23,040 --> 00:07:25,540
-On the other hand,
I wouldn't wanna be rude...
196
00:07:25,680 --> 00:07:27,350
-Then don't look at page 5!
197
00:07:27,410 --> 00:07:29,080
[laughs]
198
00:07:29,220 --> 00:07:30,490
Happy birthday, kid.
199
00:07:30,480 --> 00:07:31,950
[laughs]
200
00:07:32,090 --> 00:07:37,990
?
201
00:07:43,430 --> 00:07:44,960
-[sighs]
202
00:07:44,970 --> 00:07:48,910
?
203
00:07:49,040 --> 00:07:50,770
?
204
00:07:50,770 --> 00:07:52,440
Adult mark (v.O.):
My first nudie magazine!
205
00:07:52,470 --> 00:07:54,700
I couldn't wait to have
time to look through it--
206
00:07:54,780 --> 00:07:58,520
Purely for educational
purposes, of course.
207
00:07:58,510 --> 00:08:00,780
I needed the perfect
hiding place.
208
00:08:03,280 --> 00:08:05,310
Under the mattress?
209
00:08:05,320 --> 00:08:07,190
Pop's water jug?
210
00:08:07,220 --> 00:08:08,250
No.
211
00:08:09,760 --> 00:08:11,730
Dean martin's french style.
212
00:08:11,730 --> 00:08:13,600
The raciest thing I owned!
213
00:08:13,660 --> 00:08:15,330
Until now.
214
00:08:20,270 --> 00:08:22,000
-[gasps]
-mark!
215
00:08:22,000 --> 00:08:23,330
Adult mark (v.O.):Busted!
216
00:08:23,340 --> 00:08:25,110
-I need to see you outside.
217
00:08:26,170 --> 00:08:27,640
Now!
218
00:08:28,880 --> 00:08:30,880
Adult mark (v.O.):My dad
hit the snooze button
219
00:08:30,880 --> 00:08:32,610
On my sexual awakening.
220
00:08:32,610 --> 00:08:34,280
[music playing on radio]
221
00:08:34,350 --> 00:08:35,980
All: Surprise!
222
00:08:35,980 --> 00:08:37,480
Adult mark (v.O.):
I should have known
223
00:08:37,620 --> 00:08:39,190
My family wouldn't
forget my big day.
224
00:08:39,320 --> 00:08:41,720
I could feel my heart
beating deep in my zit.
225
00:08:41,790 --> 00:08:43,090
Mary: Happy birthday, mark!
226
00:08:43,120 --> 00:08:45,250
Dick: Aw!
227
00:08:45,260 --> 00:08:46,490
I loves a birthday!
228
00:08:46,630 --> 00:08:48,730
-You're burning
these burgers to a crisp!
229
00:08:48,730 --> 00:08:51,330
I mean, look, they're burgers,
not joan of arc!
230
00:08:51,400 --> 00:08:52,900
Here, turn this one over.
231
00:08:52,970 --> 00:08:55,840
And this one here
is practically raw!
232
00:08:55,900 --> 00:08:57,970
Mary: Oh, why don't
you have a seat, dear?
233
00:08:58,010 --> 00:09:00,380
-I don't mind helping.
-Oh, nonsense!
234
00:09:00,510 --> 00:09:02,110
What kind of hosts would we be
235
00:09:02,110 --> 00:09:04,680
If we let the guests
set the table?
236
00:09:04,750 --> 00:09:06,320
Adult mark (v.O.):
I should have been grateful.
237
00:09:06,450 --> 00:09:08,720
But for the first time,
I was more interested
238
00:09:08,850 --> 00:09:11,550
In birthday suits
than birthdays.
239
00:09:11,550 --> 00:09:13,720
-Oh... Oh, that's a shame.
240
00:09:13,850 --> 00:09:15,850
I think we're
all out of, uh, napkins.
241
00:09:15,890 --> 00:09:18,190
I'll go in and sort it out.
242
00:09:19,530 --> 00:09:21,260
-[flames roar]
-mike sr: Good god!
243
00:09:21,260 --> 00:09:23,590
-Gotta move this thing along!
I'm hungry!
244
00:09:23,730 --> 00:09:26,060
Mary: So, linda!
How's... Your family?
245
00:09:26,100 --> 00:09:28,530
Your mother, your father...?
246
00:09:28,670 --> 00:09:29,940
The father?
247
00:09:30,000 --> 00:09:31,670
-Look, if you got
something to say,
248
00:09:31,710 --> 00:09:33,480
Why don't you just
come out and say it?
249
00:09:33,540 --> 00:09:34,540
-You want to talk?
250
00:09:34,580 --> 00:09:35,980
Okay...
251
00:09:35,980 --> 00:09:38,650
You are too young
to be getting this serious!
252
00:09:38,780 --> 00:09:40,980
She-- they--
253
00:09:41,110 --> 00:09:42,940
Are not your responsibility!
254
00:09:43,020 --> 00:09:44,350
-That's none of your business!
255
00:09:44,380 --> 00:09:45,950
-Oh, it isso my business,
256
00:09:46,020 --> 00:09:47,950
Because you live in my house,
don't you?
257
00:09:47,960 --> 00:09:51,490
-She's got you there, b'y.
258
00:09:51,490 --> 00:09:52,690
-Pop understands!
259
00:09:52,730 --> 00:09:54,100
He said I should
follow my heart!
260
00:09:54,160 --> 00:09:57,230
-You did what?
-Oh, come on.
261
00:09:57,260 --> 00:10:00,030
I mean, it wasn't that long ago
when you were in their shoes.
262
00:10:00,170 --> 00:10:02,240
I mean,
I was against it at the time,
263
00:10:02,370 --> 00:10:04,040
But everything
turned out just fine.
264
00:10:04,070 --> 00:10:05,870
Where is mark
with those napkins?
265
00:10:05,940 --> 00:10:07,170
-Oh, this is rich.
266
00:10:07,310 --> 00:10:09,510
You've been looking down
your nose at me this whole time,
267
00:10:09,580 --> 00:10:10,910
And we're the same,
me and you.
268
00:10:10,910 --> 00:10:12,610
Mike sr: No, no, no.
We got married.
269
00:10:12,750 --> 00:10:13,920
-Eventually.
270
00:10:13,910 --> 00:10:15,910
-You two...
That means that I-I'm...
271
00:10:15,920 --> 00:10:17,420
Pop: A bastard, yes.
272
00:10:17,420 --> 00:10:19,120
-Mike, ya old dog, you!
273
00:10:19,190 --> 00:10:21,020
-Mind your own
damn business, dick!
274
00:10:21,150 --> 00:10:23,380
-You two are total hypocrites!
275
00:10:23,390 --> 00:10:25,860
You don't get to talk about
me and linda, ever!
276
00:10:25,860 --> 00:10:27,590
-We're just looking out for you.
277
00:10:27,660 --> 00:10:28,860
-That's right.
278
00:10:28,900 --> 00:10:30,530
You're still young.
279
00:10:30,530 --> 00:10:34,530
You can travel,
you can do things, have a life!
280
00:10:34,530 --> 00:10:38,730
We don't want you to make
the same mistakes we made.
281
00:10:38,740 --> 00:10:41,040
-Mistakes?
282
00:10:41,980 --> 00:10:45,280
[thunder rumbling]
283
00:10:45,410 --> 00:10:46,910
-Oh, hey! Rain!
284
00:10:46,910 --> 00:10:48,110
-Ohh! Oh!
-Oh my god!
285
00:10:48,250 --> 00:10:48,950
Grab the cake!
286
00:10:49,080 --> 00:10:51,280
Mary: God, my hair!
287
00:10:51,420 --> 00:10:54,850
Pop: Quick, quick,
save me some icing!
288
00:10:57,490 --> 00:10:59,290
-Happy birthday to me!
289
00:11:05,070 --> 00:11:07,570
All: ? happy birthday to-- ?
290
00:11:07,600 --> 00:11:09,670
-Uh, uh...
291
00:11:09,800 --> 00:11:12,700
-What the flying friggity frig?!
292
00:11:12,840 --> 00:11:14,310
Will you look at that?
293
00:11:14,310 --> 00:11:15,140
Don'tlook at it!
294
00:11:15,280 --> 00:11:16,880
Look at it
without looking at it!
295
00:11:17,010 --> 00:11:19,240
Mark: I just wanna say,
I'm as shocked as you are!
296
00:11:19,280 --> 00:11:21,150
I've never seen that!
I just-- I just--
297
00:11:21,280 --> 00:11:23,410
Pop: I'm not even old enough
to look at this. [laughs]
298
00:11:23,550 --> 00:11:25,750
-Hey, hey, I told you
to stay out of my room!
299
00:11:25,890 --> 00:11:27,290
-I didn't go in your room!
300
00:11:27,290 --> 00:11:28,860
-What?
-What?
301
00:11:28,920 --> 00:11:31,050
-False alarm.
302
00:11:31,060 --> 00:11:33,890
Mary: My god, everyone
in this house is perverted!
303
00:11:33,890 --> 00:11:36,790
Mike jr: Yeah,
you can say that again.
304
00:11:36,800 --> 00:11:38,000
-That's it.
305
00:11:38,000 --> 00:11:40,130
Mike!
It is time for the talk.
306
00:11:40,270 --> 00:11:43,040
-Oh...
-No, anything but the talk!
307
00:11:43,040 --> 00:11:45,940
Pop: Heh! Too late for
the talk after this.
308
00:11:46,070 --> 00:11:48,370
No, I mean,
it couldn't be any clearer,
309
00:11:48,380 --> 00:11:51,210
Unless, of course,
it was a pop-up book.
310
00:11:51,210 --> 00:11:53,310
-This is neither the time
nor place for this.
311
00:11:53,380 --> 00:11:56,080
Mary: You never gave
that one the talk.
312
00:11:56,080 --> 00:11:57,610
And look how he turned out.
313
00:11:57,750 --> 00:12:01,220
-I think he
turned out just fine.
314
00:12:01,220 --> 00:12:03,220
Mary: Well, if you don't mind,
315
00:12:03,360 --> 00:12:05,160
This is a family discussion.
316
00:12:06,460 --> 00:12:07,360
Pop: Disgusting.
317
00:12:07,490 --> 00:12:08,460
Mike sr: Mary...
318
00:12:08,530 --> 00:12:10,560
Pop: Really disgusting.
319
00:12:10,700 --> 00:12:12,600
-Wha-- what are you...
320
00:12:12,630 --> 00:12:15,100
-Oh...
Wow.
321
00:12:15,100 --> 00:12:17,830
Uh, yeah,
I'll hang onto this.
322
00:12:17,840 --> 00:12:19,640
Just in case.
323
00:12:19,640 --> 00:12:21,010
Adult mark (v.O.):
Just what I needed.
324
00:12:21,140 --> 00:12:23,710
A sex talk from a man
who sleeps in a twin bed.
325
00:12:23,780 --> 00:12:26,110
-You're getting older now,
326
00:12:26,250 --> 00:12:28,650
And there's a lot going on.
327
00:12:28,720 --> 00:12:31,450
Everything's all...
328
00:12:31,490 --> 00:12:33,660
Upset.
329
00:12:33,720 --> 00:12:37,320
Your body is like a...
330
00:12:37,360 --> 00:12:38,590
Kettle.
331
00:12:38,590 --> 00:12:43,030
And it heats to a certain point,
and then it sort of...
332
00:12:43,030 --> 00:12:45,260
Goes off.
333
00:12:45,330 --> 00:12:47,030
But you can't.
334
00:12:49,670 --> 00:12:50,870
Any questions?
335
00:12:50,940 --> 00:12:52,670
-Hm.
336
00:12:52,740 --> 00:12:54,210
-Good.
337
00:12:54,340 --> 00:12:56,540
Tell your mother I just told ya
a bunch of stuff, alright?
338
00:12:56,580 --> 00:12:58,050
Now, go on.
339
00:12:58,040 --> 00:12:59,840
Mary: Do I have to
do everything?
340
00:12:59,850 --> 00:13:01,350
Sit!
341
00:13:01,480 --> 00:13:03,210
This is a boy.
This is a girl.
342
00:13:03,350 --> 00:13:05,280
Adult mark (v.O.):I don't
remember what she said,
343
00:13:05,420 --> 00:13:07,150
Or even what the orange
was for.
344
00:13:07,220 --> 00:13:10,020
I just longed to go back
to when I was 13--
345
00:13:10,090 --> 00:13:13,490
Young and naive,
and still able to eat fruit.
346
00:13:13,530 --> 00:13:16,830
-Mike, go toss that pornography
into the trash.
347
00:13:16,900 --> 00:13:18,570
-Oh, no, you can't throw it out!
348
00:13:18,700 --> 00:13:19,900
Fox's brother'll kill me!
349
00:13:19,930 --> 00:13:23,300
-A-ha!
So that's who gave it to you!
350
00:13:23,340 --> 00:13:24,770
-No!
351
00:13:24,810 --> 00:13:27,010
Dad...!
352
00:13:28,070 --> 00:13:29,370
Mary: That's right, suzanne!
353
00:13:29,380 --> 00:13:32,180
Your son brought
a dirty magazine to school.
354
00:13:32,310 --> 00:13:33,980
Oh, you bet your arse
355
00:13:34,110 --> 00:13:37,380
The principal's gonna
hear about this!
356
00:13:37,520 --> 00:13:38,450
[school bell rings]
357
00:13:38,490 --> 00:13:39,990
Adult mark (v.O.):
On the bright side,
358
00:13:40,120 --> 00:13:42,390
{\i1}Sister rose couldn't punish me.
359
00:13:42,390 --> 00:13:44,390
You can't punish the dead.
360
00:13:44,390 --> 00:13:46,060
-What the frig
were you thinking,
361
00:13:46,060 --> 00:13:47,460
Showing your ma that skin mag?
362
00:13:47,590 --> 00:13:49,990
-I didn't do it on purpose!
She just found it!
363
00:13:50,000 --> 00:13:52,030
-I knew I shouldn't
have given it to a baby.
364
00:13:52,030 --> 00:13:53,060
-No! Just--
365
00:13:54,270 --> 00:13:56,840
-Hey, what was that?
-Uh, um--
366
00:13:56,840 --> 00:13:58,470
-What?
367
00:13:58,540 --> 00:13:59,470
-Just...
368
00:14:00,840 --> 00:14:02,910
-You're so weird sometimes.
369
00:14:03,040 --> 00:14:04,270
-What?
370
00:14:04,410 --> 00:14:06,710
Adult mark (v.O.):How could I
tell fox I liked her?
371
00:14:06,750 --> 00:14:09,350
She was about to find out
I was a pervert!
372
00:14:09,480 --> 00:14:12,210
Sister rose: It has
come to my attention
373
00:14:12,290 --> 00:14:16,490
That some of you have been
reading disgusting...
374
00:14:16,560 --> 00:14:18,830
Literature.
375
00:14:18,960 --> 00:14:20,730
Pornography.
376
00:14:20,760 --> 00:14:23,490
The devil's atlas.
377
00:14:23,630 --> 00:14:24,630
-Sick.
378
00:14:24,760 --> 00:14:25,890
-It certainly is.
379
00:14:25,900 --> 00:14:28,100
Adult mark (v.O.):I prayed
for the earth to open
380
00:14:28,170 --> 00:14:30,040
And drag me to hell
right then and there.
381
00:14:30,170 --> 00:14:31,970
Sister rose: Sexual immorality.
382
00:14:32,110 --> 00:14:36,450
I won't say who it was,
but I was equally...
383
00:14:38,110 --> 00:14:42,450
Shocked and not surprised.
384
00:14:44,780 --> 00:14:50,250
So, you will all be having
a special lesson today...
385
00:14:51,860 --> 00:14:54,330
On sexual education.
386
00:14:54,360 --> 00:14:55,860
Fox: We're watching a porno?
387
00:14:56,000 --> 00:14:57,270
[laughter]
388
00:14:57,330 --> 00:14:59,830
Sister rose: It's natural
to be curious.
389
00:14:59,900 --> 00:15:03,130
Adam and eve were curious.
390
00:15:03,140 --> 00:15:07,340
And that curiosity led to shame.
391
00:15:07,470 --> 00:15:12,440
Let that shame fuel
today's lesson, children.
392
00:15:12,580 --> 00:15:14,980
Now, the girls,
please follow me.
393
00:15:17,780 --> 00:15:19,150
-What about the boys?
394
00:15:19,150 --> 00:15:23,550
Sister rose: Father garcia
will be talking with you.
395
00:15:23,590 --> 00:15:25,590
God help us all.
396
00:15:25,630 --> 00:15:27,760
-Sister.
397
00:15:27,890 --> 00:15:29,760
I know what you're thinking.
398
00:15:29,800 --> 00:15:33,130
"what could father garcia
possibly know about sex?"
399
00:15:33,200 --> 00:15:36,970
Well, I wasn't
always a priest, nah!
400
00:15:36,970 --> 00:15:41,310
In fact, this one time I met
this wild gal named gloria
401
00:15:41,440 --> 00:15:45,110
Back when I was travelling
through barth-e-lona.
402
00:15:45,240 --> 00:15:47,470
Oh, yeah.
[chuckles]
403
00:15:47,610 --> 00:15:50,710
She taught me more than
just how to order a "cervesa,"
404
00:15:50,750 --> 00:15:51,850
If you know what I mean.
405
00:15:51,920 --> 00:15:55,320
[chuckles]
ah...
406
00:15:55,390 --> 00:15:57,820
The two became one flesh...
407
00:15:57,820 --> 00:15:59,320
A bunch of times that week.
408
00:15:59,360 --> 00:16:02,930
Wow. Anyway,
what I'm trying to say is...
409
00:16:03,000 --> 00:16:06,030
I know a thing or two
about hormones!
410
00:16:06,030 --> 00:16:07,330
Adult mark (v.O.):Great.
Even the priest
411
00:16:07,400 --> 00:16:09,470
Knew more about girls
than I did.
412
00:16:09,470 --> 00:16:12,070
Three sex talks and I still
didn't know anything!
413
00:16:17,610 --> 00:16:18,810
-Oh!
414
00:16:18,950 --> 00:16:23,190
My god, it smells fresher
in here than it does outside.
415
00:16:23,250 --> 00:16:25,820
Wouldn't you say, mike?
416
00:16:25,950 --> 00:16:27,080
Mike...?
417
00:16:29,590 --> 00:16:32,190
Enough of the silent treatment.
What is going on?
418
00:16:38,300 --> 00:16:40,570
-I know young mike
is making a mistake.
419
00:16:40,600 --> 00:16:43,830
I just didn't know you thought
that we were a mistake.
420
00:16:43,870 --> 00:16:45,770
-What are you on about?
421
00:16:45,910 --> 00:16:48,180
Of course we were a mistake.
422
00:16:48,170 --> 00:16:50,100
Best mistake I ever made.
423
00:16:53,810 --> 00:16:54,780
-[chuckles]
424
00:16:54,850 --> 00:16:58,520
Did you see the way
she stood up for mike?
425
00:16:58,590 --> 00:17:01,390
-"I think he turned out
just fine!"
426
00:17:01,390 --> 00:17:05,930
Seems like it was just yesterday
that was you and me.
427
00:17:05,990 --> 00:17:07,460
Remember when
we were their age...
428
00:17:07,490 --> 00:17:08,390
[gasps]
429
00:17:08,430 --> 00:17:11,130
Oh, the things we got up to!
430
00:17:11,160 --> 00:17:12,260
[giggles]
431
00:17:14,170 --> 00:17:16,000
-Oh, ew!
432
00:17:16,140 --> 00:17:18,910
-And here comes
a constant reminder.
433
00:17:19,040 --> 00:17:20,270
-I'm, uh,
gonna drive linda home.
434
00:17:20,310 --> 00:17:21,640
-The hell you will!
435
00:17:21,770 --> 00:17:23,870
-Mary, honey,
just give it a rest, eh?
436
00:17:23,880 --> 00:17:25,910
-I will not.
437
00:17:25,980 --> 00:17:27,380
You know the rules.
438
00:17:27,380 --> 00:17:29,950
Everyone in the family has to
clean up after themselves.
439
00:17:29,980 --> 00:17:33,920
And seeing as you're in
no condition to carry furniture,
440
00:17:33,920 --> 00:17:36,550
It's a good thing that there's
a sink full of dirty dishes
441
00:17:36,560 --> 00:17:39,260
Over there that need to be done.
442
00:17:39,290 --> 00:17:40,890
Go on, the both of ya.
443
00:17:41,030 --> 00:17:42,830
?
444
00:17:42,830 --> 00:17:45,700
?
445
00:17:45,700 --> 00:17:48,570
[both chuckle]
446
00:17:48,640 --> 00:17:53,240
Adult mark (v.O.):Another year
older, but no closer to love.
447
00:17:53,240 --> 00:17:56,040
-Why is it so hard
to tell somebody...
448
00:17:56,110 --> 00:17:58,140
-Huh?
-A girl, that you like her?
449
00:17:58,280 --> 00:18:00,280
-Oh, uh...
450
00:18:00,280 --> 00:18:03,110
Love is complicated.
451
00:18:03,250 --> 00:18:04,550
Sex?
452
00:18:04,680 --> 00:18:09,320
Sex, you can read about that
in any book, but...
453
00:18:09,320 --> 00:18:12,320
Matters of the heart,
454
00:18:12,390 --> 00:18:15,190
They will forever
remain a mystery.
455
00:18:21,900 --> 00:18:24,370
You see...
456
00:18:24,440 --> 00:18:28,410
When a man and a woman
like each other very much,
457
00:18:28,540 --> 00:18:31,140
Or they've been drinking--
458
00:18:31,140 --> 00:18:33,210
-Pop!
Eugh, not another "talk"!
459
00:18:33,210 --> 00:18:34,410
-Look, do you want my advice?
460
00:18:34,450 --> 00:18:36,650
-No!
-Quit worrying.
461
00:18:36,680 --> 00:18:38,610
You'll figure it out
when the time comes.
462
00:18:38,750 --> 00:18:42,290
Like your dad did, and me,
and my father before me.
463
00:18:42,320 --> 00:18:45,390
In the meantime...
464
00:18:45,530 --> 00:18:47,900
Happy belated birthday.
465
00:18:47,930 --> 00:18:49,360
-Oh.
-Mm-hm.
466
00:18:49,360 --> 00:18:50,530
-Thanks, pop.
467
00:18:54,700 --> 00:18:56,300
You can never have enough pens.
468
00:18:56,370 --> 00:18:59,440
-Ah! It's not just any pen.
469
00:18:59,570 --> 00:19:02,300
This is an education.
470
00:19:03,840 --> 00:19:05,570
Turn it upside down.
471
00:19:09,850 --> 00:19:15,120
[inspiring music]
472
00:19:15,250 --> 00:19:17,180
Heh...
473
00:19:17,260 --> 00:19:19,190
That's just on loan, yeah?
474
00:19:19,190 --> 00:19:21,920
?
475
00:19:21,930 --> 00:19:23,600
Adult mark (v.O.):
There are some things
476
00:19:23,600 --> 00:19:24,800
You can't learn in school.
477
00:19:24,830 --> 00:19:28,670
You'll learn them
when you're ready.
478
00:19:28,670 --> 00:19:31,540
The way nature intended.
479
00:19:31,540 --> 00:19:35,540
-Looking at my dad's
skin mags with my brother?
480
00:19:35,610 --> 00:19:39,310
You're a total perv, critch.
481
00:19:39,380 --> 00:19:42,080
Adult mark (v.O.):
By being mortified.
482
00:19:42,120 --> 00:19:43,890
Secrets are funny things.
483
00:19:43,920 --> 00:19:46,020
They can bring you closer
to the ones you love...
484
00:19:46,050 --> 00:19:47,550
-[laughs]
I remember that!
485
00:19:47,690 --> 00:19:50,590
Adult mark (v.O.):
They can also keep you apart.
486
00:19:50,720 --> 00:19:52,820
But the weight of
carrying secrets lightens
487
00:19:52,890 --> 00:19:54,490
When you share them.
488
00:19:54,630 --> 00:19:56,360
Sister rose: What's this?
489
00:19:56,360 --> 00:19:58,230
-Memories.
490
00:19:58,360 --> 00:19:59,860
I thought they were lost.
491
00:20:03,170 --> 00:20:04,500
Ah...
492
00:20:04,540 --> 00:20:06,670
[sister rose laughs]
493
00:20:06,710 --> 00:20:09,340
Oh, that was a long time ago.
494
00:20:09,480 --> 00:20:11,780
Pop: Seems like yesterday.
495
00:20:11,780 --> 00:20:13,080
-[sighs]
496
00:20:13,210 --> 00:20:15,040
-Look, I...
[clears throat]
497
00:20:15,050 --> 00:20:18,050
I know I left you high and dry
all those years ago,
498
00:20:18,120 --> 00:20:21,790
But I just want you know
that there hasn't been a day
499
00:20:21,820 --> 00:20:24,590
That's gone by when
I haven't thought about you.
500
00:20:26,190 --> 00:20:28,990
-[sighs]
501
00:20:29,060 --> 00:20:30,660
God has a plan.
502
00:20:30,700 --> 00:20:31,600
-Hm.
503
00:20:31,660 --> 00:20:34,730
-I think things
turned out for the best.
504
00:20:34,800 --> 00:20:39,870
[poignant music]
505
00:20:39,870 --> 00:20:43,140
?
506
00:20:43,280 --> 00:20:44,750
[exhales]
507
00:20:44,780 --> 00:20:49,480
?
508
00:20:49,480 --> 00:20:50,880
[sighs]
509
00:20:50,950 --> 00:20:56,090
?
510
00:20:56,120 --> 00:20:58,150
Adult mark (v.O.):
It's good to ask questions.
511
00:20:58,160 --> 00:21:00,230
It's good to clear the air.
512
00:21:00,290 --> 00:21:03,090
?
513
00:21:03,100 --> 00:21:06,700
?
514
00:21:06,830 --> 00:21:09,430
?
515
00:21:09,570 --> 00:21:10,900
Adult mark (v.O.):
But some things
516
00:21:10,900 --> 00:21:13,300
Should always remain private.
517
00:21:13,310 --> 00:21:17,180
?
518
00:21:17,240 --> 00:21:19,640
?
519
00:21:19,650 --> 00:21:21,050
[door shuts and locks]
520
00:21:23,050 --> 00:21:26,920
?
521
00:21:26,950 --> 00:21:31,250
?
522
00:21:31,290 --> 00:21:37,590
?
523
00:21:37,730 --> 00:21:40,360
?
524
00:21:40,410 --> 00:21:44,960
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