Original subtitles

So, who wants to tell me what happened?

(coughing)

Sorry. I had some purple in my mouth.

Same. Can I get a glass of water, please?

? wait, wait a minute, that's right, uh ?

? I'm unstoppable, I'm on-top-able ?

? I'm a-rock-able ?

Camille: Ooh. Pass the champagne, please.

? I'm unbreakable, unmistakeable ?

Mmm!

Andrew, this guac is incredible.

Oh, thank you.

But I'm not the excellent chef we should be focusing on.

Yeah. Celebrate me, giving birth to my cookbook.

I can't believe it's going to be in my hands so soon.

Then in a billion more hands.

And I hope you all are ready to get your holi celebraysh on

At the launch party tomorrow.

I'm picturing it's going to be like a rainbow exploded.

Whoa.

I haven't celebrayshed since we went to india.

It must be 30 years.

Yes. I think about that trip a lot.

Remember how much mom loved it?

So did you, when you weren't crying

About getting powder in your eyes.

(laughing)

I'm actually going to read that story about mom

At the cookbook launch tomorrow.

That's why I wanted it to be on

The actual day of holi.

She deserves to be celebrated.

Camille, that is lovely.

Khia: Stop taking my things! You're so annoying.

Oh, my god. Again?

- Leo: Just leave me alone. - No. I got this.

Since they've been fighting so much,

I've been reading up on techniques to deal with teens.

- Soundproofing? - A lot of this.

Stop, drop and roll.

Stop and take a deep breath.

Drop the energy level,

And roll into understanding the situation.

Khia: Oh, yeah?

Stop. I'm cool as a ranch.

Leo: Worst sister ever.

Well, cheers.

- To camille. - (glasses clinking)

Hmm. Me.

- (shouting) - hey.

How about we stop and drop the energy level

And talk this out, huh?

- Give it. - You're hurting me!

Quiet coyote, huh? Look at the coyote.

Tell khia to get out of my world!

No. Tell the little turd to get out of my life.

Leo? Okay. Enough pulling. You'll break them.

Ugh! (thudding)

Thank you.

Are you feeling upset because

You're not getting enough attention from mom and dad?

What? No.

He can't just barge into my room and take my things.

- Like it's even a big deal. - Hey.

- Okay, okay. - (doorbell ringing)

Hey, hey, hey.

This conversation is not over,

But now is the time for us all to be together as a family.

Let's go down and support mom. Huh?

Okay.

Love and respect

For all those around us on three. Huh?

One, two, three.

Hey! I said "love and respect."

You're such a baby!

You must be madeline.

Camille has said so many amazing things about you.

Well, she's been a dream to work with.

Are you ready, camille?

I can't believe it's finally happening.

Oh, my god. Okay.

Introducing simmer 'til it glimmers.

(everyone cheering and applauding)

It's perfect.

Wow.

Aw. To mom.

Oh. What is the safety pin about?

So, when my mom passed,

I used to see them in the most random places.

It's like she was telling me she's still with me.

Ah. I love a supportive ghost mom.

So, tomorrow's going to be easy-peasy.

I've invited vip influencers and press.

- They will get the word out. - Get that buzz buzzing.

And how about the food stuff?

We can still hire a caterer, you know.

No. I want to do the recipes justice, so I am happy to do it.

Of course. Oh, about the coloured powder?

My intern had trouble sourcing it,

So do you mind if we sub in powdered fabric dye?

Uh, no. That could blind people.

Oh. Well, that's not good.

- (laughing nervously) - they won't buy the book, then.

- Yeah. - Oh. I am sorry.

I have to take this. I will see you tomorrow.

Do not worry, okay?

And congrats. You did, really, a hell of a thing.

Okay, great. Cool.

Yeah, yeah. No, madeline. Got it.

I, um, think.

Okay. I have to cook for tomorrow.

- Can you be on the holi powder? - I got you.

- Okay. - Hey, kids?

Go do a search for homemade holi powder.

Okay. Come on.

Good girl.

This works out great, huh?

Unite them in a task

And then their feelings may open.

It's another technique called the touchy-feelies.

Oh. Maybe don't say the name to them.

Okay. And dad,

You're good to go to the venue tomorrow morning

To drop off the food while I get ready?

- Naturally. - Okay.

I actually have to return a faulty loofah

That I bought right near there. Where did I put that?

Okay. And, um, tomorrow's major industry vibe,

So I'm going to need you

On teeth, on wardrobe, on hair.

Done. Look at you. Author, chef, get-her-done extraordinaire.

- (laughing) - (phone chiming)

Oh. It's gloria.

Oh, lucky. I'm the lawyer for good morning gloria

And I haven't even met her yet.

"how get merlot out of silk pjs?"

I think she's confusing me for a search engine.

Look at you. National treasure sliding into your dms like that.

Yeah. Well, she is my boss,

But nice enough to write a blurb for the book.

Oh. Do you think she's coming tomorrow?

I can't imagine she has the time,

But that's okay. She is a lot.

(phone chiming)

Uh, "squeezing make it worst."

It does, though.

So,

Did mom tell you what holi's all about?

Celebrating the divine love

Between the gods krishna and radha.

And chucking butt-loads of powder in khia's face.

Andrew: No.

It's about loving each other, like all good holidays.

Except national grilled cheese day.

That day, it's just for you.

So, you want to tell me what's really happening

Between you two?

She's mad because I recorded

Randomly scaring her a few times.

He popped out from my closet,

And then another time, from under my bed.

I waited a whole hour under there.

And from the bathroom.

Whoa. The bathroom, leo?

I jumped out before she even got in there. It was my finest work.

It was totally inappropriate.

Well, it's not my fault.

I will literally murder you if you say another word.

Hey! (chuckling) chill.

I need space.

Well, I need space, too.

Hey. You two are going to love each other tomorrow,

No matter what! You hear?

(doors slamming)

(sighing)

Ah. This isn't going to work.

Amazon, please have holi powder.

Hmm. Yes.

Put it in the cart!

? I think you're something ?

? do you feel what I'm feeling, too ?

Okay.

Ooh!

Okay.

Oh. Great.

Hi. Soren. Intern with the publisher.

- I'm camille. - Sam.

Um, did you bring the holi powder?

Oh, no. My husband's bringing that later.

Uh, where's madeline?

I haven't been able to reach her all day.

She's not coming.

Um, she had a 911 with another author.

Okay, but she's supposed to be here

To make sure everything goes okay.

Why does my forehead look like that?

Uh, what is that?

- Sam: Gloria. - And what is that?

"a tasty read! Gloria thompson-mathers."

Uh, that's standard for first runs.

Okay, but it's right over my mom's face.

All of them are.

Oh, I'm sure this comes right off.

This could be my copy.

Camille: Okay. "maritime spice goddess."

Soren, where are my friends and family sitting?

They didn't invite your guest list.

What?

They wanted more influencers. I didn't do it.

Soren, I need you to make the front row my family.

Okay.

Yeah.

By the way, where is your family?

They are coming. They're coming.

When did you get home? Where's leo?

He wanted to walk home from taekwondo.

I gave you the van so you could pick him up.

What if he goes missing?

I guess that'd be a shame?

Yes! Yes, it would.

(door closing)

She took off on me.

Khia!

What? He was talking to his friends and made me wait.

I have things to do.

- No, you don't. - Cool it.

Leo, shower. You smell like armpit.

Go get ready.

You, too. And I know it's delicious, but save room.

Mom's going to have all that food there.

(door closing)

Fine.

Did you dip the chip and put it back in--

Cool as a ranch. Cool as a ranch.

Camille: Oh, dad.

So, where's the food?

- I had it all in the car. - Mm-hmm?

But then, I jaunted across the street to return my loofah.

And I'd forgotten my receipt. I went back, but...

Oh, my god.

...The car was halfway up the block being towed.

Someone must have put a fire hydrant beside it.

Uh, my food is gone?

My wallet was in the car.

You know what? Give me your credit card.

- I'll fix this. - Hmm?

You know, never mind. Uh, sam?

You have 10 minutes.

Leo: What the hell?

Dad!

Andrew: Damn. That's a lot of ankle.

Did you have a growth spurt?

I don't think so.

I accept responsibility for this.

You broke my headphones.

So, you butchered my pants?

Pantses, plural. Top five in your rotation.

Come on, khia!

Leo, find something else.

Mom needs us and the holi powder.

We will resolve all of this later.

Fine, but this boy's unfixable.

This man is unfixable. Wait.

Behave, or else.

Fast and firm consequences.

No car, and you're both on

Shower-drain hair-removal duty for two months.

Aw, come on!

I mean it.

Love on three.

(doors slamming)

Love.

Gloria: It's gloria! I've arrived.

Oh, okay. Get-get-get. (laughing)

Gloria. You came.

Well, my schedule suddenly freed up,

And I wanted to come out and support.

- (laughing) - (gasping) oh.

Look at us. Oh, I love it.

Mm-hmm.

Oh.

Enjoy this moment.

We are all here for one reason,

And that's you.

- (chuckling) - (laughing)

Hello, everyone!

- (applauding) - (laughing)

The random chaos of the universe really does hate me.

(sighing)

Camille: Andrew, I am starting to lose it.

Gloria is sucking up all the air in the room

And I don't recognize anyone in here.

Hey. Remember our wedding day?

We ordered that ice sculpture that looked like us

And the freezer was broken,

And it ended up looking like vin diesel as a walrus?

Camille: Yeah, of course.

Everyone loved it.

Exactly. It was unexpected, but it still turned out memorable.

Everything will be all right.

(khia screaming)

Leo, I'm going to kill you!

- (pounding on door) - what's going on?

That was nothing. Got it under control.

Okay. Be there soon. Love you so much. Bye.

- Khia: Take it down now. - Leo: No. You deserve it.

- Khia, what's going on? - Nothing!

(phone chiming)

Is it leo's bathroom scare video?

Leo: (laughing) yeah.

Dad, don't watch it!

Was that what I think it was?

Leo: Yup.

She was so scared, she sharted.

(crying)

You have nothing to be ashamed of.

Everyone sharts.

- (door closing) - (sighing)

There better be an article for this.

(hindi pop music playing)

Sam: Hair, teeth, smell. Superb.

Okay.

Okay. One orderly line. No cutsies.

I'm cookie, influencer

And good morning gloria enthusiast.

Oh. Well, thank you.

I've heard things are going terribly

Over at the show.

Uh, no. Everything's great. Do you want me to sign?

Sure. Is gloria signing, too?

Uh, and that is your time.

There you go.

That was weird.

Yeah. Those youtubers, they're a different breed.

Uh-huh.

Oh!

Well, well, well. Of course.

- Sam? - Hmm?

- Move. - What?

- What? - Move, sam. Sam?

Sam, move.

Is gloria signing my book?

You need to shut this down.

You got it.

Gloria: Oh, hello.

Aren't you lovely?

Wow. Gloria.

You smell so good.

- Camille-- - mm-hmm?

Oh, camille. She, um--

Camille signs.

You? Mmm, no. No, no.

Me no-no sign?

Oh. (gasping)

Oh, I didn't mean to offend.

It's just I can never say no to a fan.

You don't happen to be one, do you?

Yeah, yeah.

Well, how about I give you a little "I'm sorry"?

(laughing)

There we go.

(laughing)

I'm sorry.

(sighing)

Leo, the sibling bond is not to be squandered.

Please make amends with your sister.

Khia, this moment is but a drop

In the big bucket of life.

Leo, you did not ask for your sister's consent

To post a video.

This is wrong.

I promise you this will blow over.

Ask yourself if this is the kind of young man

You want to be.

(phone ringing)

Babe, we are out the door.

Your mother pushed you both out of her vagina

For a combined 17 hours!

Today is not about you.

Okay. How much will it take?

(hindi pop music playing)

Camille: You've got to be kidding me.

These are recipe adjacent,

Because you use a lot of veggies, right?

Sure. Whatever.

I'm sorry, camille.

(sighing) no food.

No kids. No husband.

But I get gloria.

I mean, who wears white to a book launch

When you're not the author?

Seems to me she's looking for attention.

(camille sighing)

Perhaps I can attend to her. I've got this.

Hello. Ramesh devani. I'm camille's father.

Pleasure to meet you.

- (glasses clinking) - well, thanks, daddy.

(both laughing)

Uh, well, thank you for being here.

You've added quite the energy.

Oh. Well, I love that they love me.

Do you know that

My producers told me to get fillers

To look younger, or else?

Fools. You look very young and, may I say, quite fetching.

Oh.

I myself was recently

Forced to retire early by my faculty.

Sons of bitches.

They forcing people to retire at 50 now?

(both laughing)

Oh, you're fun.

Hi. Um, so, you were actually

Supposed to do the reading first.

Uh, that's on me. Could you do that now?

Uh, well, my family is just like--

- They're almost here. - (laughing) yeah.

They're getting mad.

Cam, I know this is a flaming dumpster fire

For your expectations, but you got this.

Hey. For you and for your mom.

Yeah, okay, okay. Okay.

Okay.

Oh.

(cheering and applause)

(laughing nervously)

Um, thank you, everyone, for being here.

My mom and her family would make falooda

For the entire neighbourhood on holi,

Which you could've been enjoying right now,

But, um, I digress.

"it was my first time celebrating holi in india,

"and I was so excited.

"my mom always talked about the huge colourful battle.

"it felt like Halloween, christmas,

And national grilled cheese day all in one."

(laughing)

"so, when I woke up that day with food poisoning,

My hopes were crushed."

(sam and gloria laughing)

- Sam! - (gasping)

Um, where's my dad?

Oh, yes. Um, I asked him

To go fetch some whisky,

Because there's barely a selection.

Okay. What are you doing? I--

Go, go, go. Go, go, go.

Hello, everyone.

You all need to just buy this book

And support this one over here.

Because the network

Is cleaning house,

And I just got booted off my own show.

What?

So, peameal here--

Beep-boop! Doesn't have a tv job no more.

- (laughing) boom. - Um--

Did I just get fired?

Yes.

You'll land on your feet, gloria.

(chanting) gloria. Gloria.

Gloria. Gloria. Gloria.

Gloria. Gloria. Gloria. Gloria.

They got rid of all of this.

The number-one morning show in the nation,

2004 to 2007.

Andrew: We made it. We made it. We're here. We're here!

We are here.

The holi powder is here.

(andrew laughing nervously)

We all love you and each other.

Leo: Go.

Sam: Why are you late?

Parenting. That's why.

Also, do you have some cash I could have?

I owe the kids bribe money.

No, sorry. I gave my wallet to ramesh

- So he could buy some hooch. - Oh.

Let me tell you how I got my job in the first place.

This is a funny story, actually.

(exhaling sharply)

I was 21 years old--

(heart pounding)

(sighing)

(laughing)

Gloria: But I personally--

Uh, gloria? I got this.

Um, the gist of the rest of my story?

My mom taught me the importance of letting go of expectations

Because, um, if you don't,

You might miss the best parts of life.

And when I was feeling better, my mom declared

A holi redo,

And, um, my cousins pummelled me with powder.

It was the happiest day of my life.

Uh, so, you see,

My mom taught me the value

In finding the fun wherever I was.

So, um, with that--

Hmm?

Man: No, no!

- (gasping) - (laughing)

(laughing)

This day is about celebrating

With the people we love,

And I see a few I'd like to smush

With my love right about now.

- Soren: Uh, no. No, no, no. - (andrew cackling)

No. This is for outside.

Does no one care about the rental agreement?

Ah.

Ah. Thank you.

I'm still waiting.

Okay. I started this.

I wanted today to be perfect, but I forgot

That perfect usually looks like this.

The property manager's going to have to fine you.

Oh, I'm sure it's not that big of a problem, is it?

How about a selfie?

I'll take an autographed book.

Oh, sure. Where's a pen?

No, by her. I love your stuff.

Oh. Sure. I would love to do that for you.

Look. Camille, I'm sorry.

I was just trying to get one more big whiff of fame

Before everyone forgets who I am.

No one would forget about you. You're a legend.

Hmm. You're right.

Maybe I'll start my own network,

Or buy an island.

Now, where is ramesh with that whisky?

Hey, mom? We're sorry for being late.

It's really cool you're an author.

And thanks for the 17 hours of labour

To bring us into this world.

You're welcome. You two figure things out?

Forgiving is living.

Plus dad bribed us with cash.

Love.

Right.

Home?

Sure. I'm starving.

Hey. Okay.

Surprise!

What is this?

A book launch do-over.

Chef deserves her favourite guilty-pleasure meal.

Nashville hot chicken from tony clucks?

You know it.

Sorry we weren't there for most of today.

Yeah, mom, and we're all proud of you.

And I picked up some more bubbly.

I'm sorry I biffed it so hard today.

I'm proud of you, buddy.

I too am very proud of everything you've accomplished.

Oh.

And I'm sorry for my behaviour today.

Even if today didn't go exactly as planned,

I am really happy to have you troublemakers by my side.

A toast to the chef slash author

Slash babe of my dreams.

And, um, to mom.

- Naniji. - Cheers.

- Cheers. - (glasses clinking)

Mmm.

Gloria's asking to pop by.

Absolutely not.

All right. Dibs on drumsticks.

- Mmm. - Do we get dessert?

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