All language subtitles for Bob Hearts Abishola s05e07 Worth the Cooties.eng

Previously on
Bob Hearts Abishola...

Oh, my God,
you're having a baby?

I am!

I did not even know
you were dating someone.

I'm not.

These are potential
sperm donors.

Oh, so you're not pregnant.

Not yet, but my womb is willing.

One might say "eager."

She's not capable of
raising a child by herself.

She has a lot more going for her
than I did when I had Dele.

No, it's different.
You're you.

You're smart,
independent, strong,

and she's...

Come on, talk her out of it!

Just so you know,
I will be there

every step of the way.

Thanks.

- Can I ask you something?
- Of course.

When did your maternal instinct
kick in?

Honestly?

When you told me
I'm having a grandkid.

[tranquil music playing]

Let's start with a deep,
cleansing ujjayi breath.

A who?

[exhaling sharply]

Feel it in the back
of your throat,

grounding you in space,

centering you in the present.

[exhaling sharply]

I don't see how this grounding
helps you get pregnant.

It increases blood flow

and readies the loins
for fertilization.

Why am I doing this?

Let's just move on
to goddess pose.

[breathes deeply]

With every exhale,

feeling more grateful

for the support
of my vaginal sisterhood.

My uterus crew.

My fallopian family.

Okay. I need a break.

Oh, it can be a little tiring.

I am fine,
I just do not want to do this.

Yeah, this is kind of
a dangerous pose

for someone
who had cheese for breakfast.

I thought you were here to help.

I was till it got weird.

Well, my fertility chakras
will receive more energy

if we do this as a group.

Says who?

Several podcasts.

There's no need
for this nonsense.

The shots and the pills are
enough to prepare you.

Science isn't everything,
Abishola.

Yeah, well, tell
it to the guy

who's stirring up
your test tube baby.

Where are my Chinese herbs?

- I threw 'em out.
- What?

They smelled
like rotten leaves.

That's what they are.

Take it easy.

I'll go outside
and rake you up some more.

You know what?
I am feeling stress,

and I do not want to
feel stress.

Well, I got a fix for that.

- You got to do the Camel pose.
- What's that?

You lay down on the couch
and smoke a Camel cigarette.

[both laughing]

That was rude.

She needs to find
a sense of humor pose.

["Ifanla" by Sola Akingbola
playing]

[sighs] She's about
to get pregnant,

and she throws out
the two people

who have actually
been through it.

Makes no sense.

You had one, I had four.

Four?

Bob was a fat baby.
He counts as two.

So, we're off uterus duty.

You want to hang out?

Mm. I'm going to pick up
a shift at the hospital.

You just got
a Get Out of Jail Free card.

Why would you want to walk
into another jail?

What do you suggest we do?

Well, you are a married woman,

so that rules out
the first couple of ideas,

but I think we could
rustle up some trouble.

Okay. I'll rustle with you.

Attagirl.

You're in for a treat.

We just have to
pick up my fiber pills,

then the world is our oyster.

Come on, it's just
five percent.

We can find the savings
somewhere.

I have a wonderful idea.

We're not firing anyone.

Damn it.

Perhaps if we brought
five percent more joy

into our workday,

the problem would
take care of itself.

I know who we should fire.

I am doing the best I can.

That is what worries me.

All right,
both of you knock it off.

We're going crazy
just sitting here.

We need to clear our heads.

Okay. We will take a break.

That was nice. Back to work.

Grab your stuff,
we're going out to lunch.

I already ate lunch.

You had a granola bar
over the trash can.

Because we have
important work to do.

Which will still be here
when we get back.

Well, I am in.

I meal-prepped lentils,
but they will keep.

Looks like you're outvoted.

- Fine.
- It'll be good for you.

Even God rested
on the seventh day.

That part of the Bible
always bothered me.

I have never been
to a garage sale before.

No, no, no.

Garage sales are for
alive people's crap,

estate sales are for
dead people's treasures.

Well, I will not be buying
someone else's used items.

What?
You don't like bargains?

I like bargains.
I do not like cooties.

Well, you're gonna
miss out on a lot.

The bereaved are
terrible hagglers.

I once bought a diamond
necklace for $100

because the dead
lady's daughter

"couldn't bear
to look at it."

You should not prey
on other people's sadness.

[gasps] This is real silver.

It's only $20?

I changed my mind.

This is worth the cooties.

See Mr. Weepy over there?

I can get it down to ten.

Yeah, I think I'm gonna go
with the short ribs.

Best thing on the menu.

Fish and chips for me, please.

Best thing on the menu.

And for you, sir?

We may be able to save money

if we reroute our shipping
through Indiana.

He'll have the club sandwich.

I hate those.

I always bite the toothpick.

Then look at the menu
and order something.

I just want to go
back to the office.

We're not going anywhere

until we have a pleasant
friggin' lunch!

Cowboy Burger,
no mayo, extra pickles.

Ooh, extra pickles.
Look who let his hair down.

[chuckles]

Oh, he's a pickle maniac.

Kofo! Do not tell people
my business.

I'm not people, we're friends.

We are coworkers.

Come on, you see me
more than you see your wife.

She is not my friend either.

You know what?
Keep your bad attitude.

Kofo and I are gonna
enjoy ourselves.

Goodwin, your favorite,
peach sangria.

Stop telling people what I like.

Honey, you can put
all that stuff up front.

Mm-mm. The moment
I set this down,

one of these vultures
will take it.

Look at you,
you got the itch.

I'm scratching all over.

Do you do this a lot?

Every time one of
my rich friends dies.

You knew this woman?

Oh, yeah. Awful lady.

I'm surprised
they're not selling

the stick she had up her ass.[chuckles]

Please do not make me laugh.

The sad people are looking.

This is very nice cookware.

Well, I don't know
why she had it.

She drank all her meals,
if you know what I'm saying.

[shushes]

And she was sleeping
with the neighbor.

She thought we didn't know.

That's the schmuck right there.
Hi, Herb.

You are terrible.

- Yeah, but it's fun.
- So fun.

[laughs]

[phone rings]

Hey, Christina.

Hey, uh,
I-I'm having a little issue

at the house,
and I need some help.

You know you called Douglas, right?

Yes, you're my brother.

So is Bob.

He didn't answer.

What about Mom? Abishola?

They have
too much negative energy.

And you need
a positive ray of light.

I'll be right over.

Hey, Goodwin,
is it okay if I...?

Oh.

Huh.

Sweet. Free lentils.

I wanted to move
to America

the first time I saw Top Gun.

You're saying
you felt "the need,

the need for speed."[laughs]

That is a line from the film.

For me,

it was Ronald Reagan's address
to the nation in 1980.

Gonna be honest, I don't know
as many lines from that one.

"Americans awed
by what has gone before,

"proud of

"what for them is still

a shining city on a hill."

My 11-year-old mind was blown.

Goodwin, buddy,
you are such a friggin' nerd.

If by "nerd" you mean

"Nigerian educated rad dude."

I am also rad.

Cheers. [laughs]

You having fun?

I am in sangria heaven.

All it took was
blowing off a little steam.

To blowing!

You know what? To blowing.

[glasses clink]

It's mold, isn't it?

And I've been
breathing it in for days,

so it's spread to my womb.

I think it's yogurt.

Yeah. Mango.

I am so stupid.
Sorry to waste your time.

It's cool, I like mango.

See you later.

[sighs] See you.

You okay?

Yeah.

Just don't know if I
should have a kid or not.

'Kay, bye.

What are you talking about?
You're gonna be a great mom.

You don't know that.

I have been sitting here,

freaking out about yogurt.

How am I gonna handle it

the first time the baby
gets a fever

or poops a weird color?

That happens?

It's terrifying.

I'll send you the podcast.

Look, I know
you're scared, but...

that never stopped you before.

Remember when you quit MaxDot?

Yeah.

You weren't sure if that
was the right decision,

but you just went for it.

Because I was an idiot.

A brave idiot.

Thank you.

I wanted to quit MaxDot once.

Couldn't do it.

When?

Ugh, couple years ago when Mom
demoted me to the warehouse.

[sighs] Yeah, that was awful.

Everyone laughing
behind your back.

They were?

No.

I would have left, but I just...

I knew I had no chance
of getting a real job.

Yeah, but look at you now.

You're gonna be
running the place.

Yeah. They'll call me
if they need

someone to taste-test
wall yogurt.

Come on.
You have come a long way.

People listen
to your ideas now.

You started
a whole clothing line.

Oh, yeah, I forgot about that.

We're just late bloomers.

I like that.

Hmm.
Hmm.

Next time you need something,
you call me first.

Yeah, I probably won't.

Okay, good.

Damn thing won't open.

I told you not to buy it.

Says the lady with the box
full of fountain pen refills.

It was a smart purchase.

Now I just need a fountain pen.

Got it.

Whoa.

I guess the stick wasn't
all the way up her ass.

Is that marijuana?

And she was dying,
so you know it's the good stuff.

It is good to know that
before that woman died,

she was not feeling pain.

Or her legs.

Hand me the chips.

They are gone.

Well, who ate 'em all?

[laughing]

You did.

[both laughing]

Oh, yeah.

[snorts]

Cannabis is so much stronger

than it was 20 years ago.

Wait. You've smoked before?

I lived in Amsterdam
for two years.

Wow.

Did you ever go
to the Red Light District?

Once.

I was lost.

Sure.

Okay, twice.

Now you tell me a secret,
so we are even.

Okay. Fair enough.

Before I married
Bob's father,

I had many lovers.

That is not a secret.

You talk about it
all the time.

[sighs]

All right.

Between you and me?

Cross your heart,
hope to die,

stick a needle
in your eye?

I will not do
any of that.

Just tell me.

Fine.

I don't like being alone.

It scares me.

Really?

When I went into work,
it was easy,

there was always
people around.

Now that I'm retired,
it's different.

But you have your family.

[scoffs]

Bob and Douglas have
their busy lives.

And when Christina
has her baby,

she'll be too busy
for me, too.

Well, I will never
be too busy.

So you will
never be alone. Aw.

Thank you, honey.
Mm.

What are we
doing tomorrow?[laughs]

No, no, no, no. I'm Maverick.

Then I am the Iceman.

And I am Dutch.

That is not from Top Gun.

No. It was Ronald
Reagan's nickname.

Given to him by his father,

who said he looked like
a fat, little Dutchman.

I love that you know that.

However,
let's roll up our sleeves

and show this
five percent who's boss.

[clears throat]
The Zimbabwean dollar

has fallen in value.

Boy, you are filled
with fun facts.

If we source our cotton
from Zimbabwe,

we will maintain the quality
of our product

while saving eight percent
on materials.

That is not going to work.

We need to save
five percent, not eight.

That's a good point, buddy.

When did you come up with this?

Halfway through
the chicken wings.

But I was having too much fun.

With your friends.

Yes.

Don't tell my wife.

Oh, thank goodness.

I found it!

I thought the hallway
would never end.

Now try to act sober.

Christina can be
a bit of a buzzkill.

- [laughs] Okay.
- Shh. Just be cool, okay?

Police! Open up!

[both laugh]

Can you keep it down?
She's sleeping.

Douglas, what are you
doing here?

Christina needed help.

So she called you?

Is that so hard to believe?

I love my sister, she loves me.

You are really
blowing my mind right now.

What is cooking?

Oh, she was feeling
a little anxious,

so I made her some
broccoli cheddar soup.

It always makes me feel better.

What the hell is happening?

CHRISTINA:
Douglas, can I have some water?

I got you, girl.

Why are you looking at me
like that?

Because you are sweet.

And it is weird.

CHRISTINA:Douglas?

I'm coming.

It's nice you guys stopped by,
but she's got to sleep.

You're kicking us out?

Yeah. I got this.

I'm a ray of light.

Okay, well, thanks
for all your help.

You're welcome.

[sniffs]

Have you guys been partying?

Just a little bit.

This one's
a terrible influence!

[video game sound effects]

Hey.
Hey.

Since when do you play
video games?

Since I smoked marijuana
with your mother.

Very funny.

Christina was angry at us,
so we went to a house

and bought a pile
of dead woman's things

and then found
a magic jewelry box.

What did you do today?

Convinced a Nigerian
to take a long lunch.

Impressive.

Now come and race me.

You're on, lady.

We should spend more time
with your mother.

[chuckles]
You really are high.

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