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["IPHONE" by Rico Nasty playing]
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♪ This time won't be nothing
like the last one ♪
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00:00:11,331 --> 00:00:14,514
♪ Smoking so much gas
I forgot to put my mask on ♪
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00:00:14,614 --> 00:00:17,998
♪ I shine with the lights off
He hates when I don't call ♪
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00:00:17,999 --> 00:00:21,019
♪ Two months without me
Guess you're having withdrawals ♪
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00:00:21,020 --> 00:00:23,883
♪ He on my hip like a Tamagotchi ♪
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♪ Leave a heart on my wall
so I can know you like me ♪
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♪ I'm important, can't be seen
with just anybody ♪
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♪ We was late, but we still
pulled up to the party ♪
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Hey, st- Um...
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Do you want this?
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Yeah.
13
00:00:51,411 --> 00:00:53,353
- Hi!
- Whose scooter is that, Maggie?
14
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Mine, I bought it after watching
a particularly persuasive TikTok ad.
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- And you've just given it away.
- Honestly, Eddie, I just saw myself on it
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reflected in a shop window,
it was a rude awakening.
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- It had to go.
- Oh, shit. Question eight.
18
00:01:05,585 --> 00:01:08,208
Which day of the week is the worst?
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- We hate scooter people.
- I know, but, like, the environment?
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You don't care about the environment,
you said all humans
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- deserve to burn to death.
- Only because I'd just
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had that really weird haircut.
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00:01:17,818 --> 00:01:20,199
- You seem better.
- Yeah, I'm having the best week.
24
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- I went to a spin class, yesterday.
- What?
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I left ten minutes in, cos the instructor
26
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kept playing Ed Sheeran dance remixes,
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but, like, the intention was there.
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Anyways, I need you to take
tomorrow off work.
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I've got too much going on here.
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Look, it's important!
My old school want me to come back
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and do a talk for their little drama club,
isn't that cute?
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00:01:39,540 --> 00:01:42,741
- Must've read the reviews of my play.
- The two-star reviews?
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The state of the education system
in this country is dire. They need me.
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As a former student
working professionally in theatre,
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I thought I could
come in and do a talk,
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cos I'm gonna be in town, anyways.
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They practically begged me, Eddie.
38
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So, I need you to drive me to East Sussex.
39
00:01:58,518 --> 00:02:02,062
Question nine. Who did I vote for
in the 2002 Pop Idol final,
40
00:02:02,063 --> 00:02:04,723
- Gareth Gates or Will Young?
- Can you stop asking questions?
41
00:02:04,724 --> 00:02:07,707
No, I can't, people have
paid good money for this pub quiz.
42
00:02:07,807 --> 00:02:10,470
And by "people," do you mean
two underage goths
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- and Will?
- At least Will showed up on time.
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- Maybe he's my number one bestie.
- You take that back.
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00:02:15,335 --> 00:02:19,279
Maggie, I love that you suddenly
seem to believe children are the future,
46
00:02:19,280 --> 00:02:21,900
but you hate public speaking.
When you gave that speech
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00:02:21,901 --> 00:02:24,423
at Anya's wedding, you shook so hard,
someone asked me
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- if you were detoxing from heroin.
- But this is a tiny group of kids.
49
00:02:27,907 --> 00:02:30,677
- Drama nerds, I bet.
- I don't get why you'd travel there.
50
00:02:30,678 --> 00:02:32,991
- That school did a lot.
- Everyone took the piss
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00:02:32,992 --> 00:02:35,314
- out of your accent.
- I had some amazing teachers.
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00:02:35,315 --> 00:02:37,476
I had this one history teacher
in particular,
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he was just really... inspirational.
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[smooth R'n'B music plays]
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He kind of changed my life.
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And I think he still works there,
so maybe I could, like, thank him.
57
00:02:50,570 --> 00:02:53,280
Sorry, were you visited in the night
by three ghosts?
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00:02:53,281 --> 00:02:56,054
- Where is this benevolence coming from?
- Look, I'm turning 30 soon,
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00:02:56,055 --> 00:02:57,837
and I want to be a good person.
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I am a good person, actually.
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I just wanna project that goodness more,
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00:03:02,382 --> 00:03:05,332
and you can project your goodness more
by driving me there.
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00:03:05,333 --> 00:03:07,866
- Who'll look after the bar?
- That manager you just hired.
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00:03:07,867 --> 00:03:09,668
What's his name?
The wanky earring guy.
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00:03:09,669 --> 00:03:12,572
The BMX doesn't have gears,
you just kind of set it up...
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00:03:12,672 --> 00:03:15,335
- Him. What's his name?
- I think it's Klent?
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00:03:15,435 --> 00:03:18,017
- There's no way it's Klent.
- I think it is.
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00:03:18,117 --> 00:03:20,980
- He can't look after the bar on his own.
- Hey, Eddie!
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Can I take a quick 60?
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Jen, over there,
has never seen a BMX before,
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00:03:25,605 --> 00:03:27,467
and I am gonna pop her cherry.
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Uh, no, you can't.
Go and clean the loos.
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What?
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How?
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Fuck's sake.
Just get on with it.
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KLENT: Don't be scary!
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-"How?" Ah.
- His dad's an earl.
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00:03:40,161 --> 00:03:43,181
It's like working with the little
sheltered boy from The Secret Garden.
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00:03:43,182 --> 00:03:45,984
Question ten. What's the name of the
little sheltered boy
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00:03:45,985 --> 00:03:47,987
- from The Secret Garden?
- Colin!
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I'm convinced he's never
had a real job before.
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00:03:50,470 --> 00:03:52,631
But, I need him to lure
the other fuckboys in.
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00:03:52,632 --> 00:03:54,993
The fuckboy pound
has become surprisingly strong,
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00:03:54,994 --> 00:03:56,955
since they all
became social media managers.
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00:03:56,956 --> 00:03:58,578
Great quiz this week, Eddie.
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Some really thought provoking
questions in there.
87
00:04:02,241 --> 00:04:05,305
- Tell me, the day of the week question.
- Mm.
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00:04:05,306 --> 00:04:07,646
Are we talking worst,
as in, least enjoyable?
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00:04:07,647 --> 00:04:09,689
- Or, are we talking-
- Hey, Eddie!
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00:04:10,089 --> 00:04:13,159
If you come tomorrow,
I'll let you pretend to be my publicist.
91
00:04:13,252 --> 00:04:16,196
You can lie to people all day
with no consequences,
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00:04:16,197 --> 00:04:18,897
like when you told everyone
you invented Jedward's haircut.
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[gasps]
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Can I have a fake name?
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[both singing] ♪ What's wrong?
What's wrong now? ♪
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♪ Too many, too many problems ♪
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♪ Don't know where she belongs ♪
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♪ Where she belongs ♪
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♪ She wants to go home ♪
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♪ But nobody's home ♪
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♪ Where she lies... ♪
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OK, quick stop,
and then we gotta hustle.
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Get ready for my "talk."
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00:04:46,726 --> 00:04:49,028
I mean, you're gonna
have to give a talk.
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00:04:49,128 --> 00:04:51,538
Yeah, I'm just gonna wing it,
they're children.
106
00:04:51,611 --> 00:04:54,501
- And what if you get the shakes?
- I won't, have some faith.
107
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What... the fuck?
108
00:05:00,621 --> 00:05:02,661
- What?
- That's what you're wearing
109
00:05:02,662 --> 00:05:04,123
to go to a school?
110
00:05:04,124 --> 00:05:05,904
I wanna seem like a successful lady.
111
00:05:05,905 --> 00:05:08,127
That is not a successful lady outfit.
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00:05:08,227 --> 00:05:09,889
That is a "shag me" outfit.
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00:05:09,989 --> 00:05:12,031
- Who are you trying to shag?
- No-one.
114
00:05:12,032 --> 00:05:15,153
That history teacher you mentioned,
what's his name?
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00:05:15,154 --> 00:05:17,156
- I can't remember. Mr Wilson.
- Maggie.
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00:05:17,837 --> 00:05:19,619
OK, was Mr Wilson hot?
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00:05:19,719 --> 00:05:21,661
[sighs]
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Smoking hot.
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00:05:23,403 --> 00:05:25,625
- Oh, my God.
- I haven't slept in a week,
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00:05:25,626 --> 00:05:28,647
I might've overdone the concealer.
Do I look like a pale panda?
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00:05:28,648 --> 00:05:30,810
- Maggie!
- OK! OK!
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00:05:31,371 --> 00:05:33,373
[chuckles softly]
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00:05:35,094 --> 00:05:37,096
Mr Wilson might me my soulmate.
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00:05:38,418 --> 00:05:40,920
He wasn't like the other teachers,
he was funny,
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00:05:41,020 --> 00:05:44,604
and smart and we just,
like, had this connection.
126
00:05:44,704 --> 00:05:47,407
Was Mr Wilson the teacher
who tried to molest you?
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00:05:47,507 --> 00:05:49,917
No! Ew, that was the maths teacher,
Mr Phillips.
128
00:05:50,790 --> 00:05:53,453
It was prom night, 2008.
I'd just turned 16,
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00:05:53,553 --> 00:05:56,456
my braces were freshly off,
and I was resplendent
130
00:05:56,556 --> 00:05:58,137
in my Debut by Debenhams dress.
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00:05:58,237 --> 00:06:00,059
Then, Mr Phillips slithered over.
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00:06:00,159 --> 00:06:02,021
He said I looked really grown up,
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00:06:02,121 --> 00:06:04,023
which, let's face it, was not true.
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00:06:04,123 --> 00:06:06,306
Then, all of a sudden,
he lurched at me
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00:06:06,406 --> 00:06:08,227
with his gross mouth.
136
00:06:08,327 --> 00:06:09,629
But guess who saved me.
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00:06:09,729 --> 00:06:11,731
[smooth R'n'B music plays]
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00:06:18,858 --> 00:06:20,520
It was so intense.
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00:06:20,620 --> 00:06:23,643
So, if it had been the history teacher
who tried it on,
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00:06:23,644 --> 00:06:25,223
- you'd have banged him?
- Yes!
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00:06:25,224 --> 00:06:27,607
But the crucial thing
is he didn't try it on,
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00:06:27,707 --> 00:06:29,337
- he wouldn't shag a child.
- Wow!
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00:06:29,338 --> 00:06:31,830
We should nominate him
for a Pride of Britain award.
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00:06:31,831 --> 00:06:35,033
It's not beyond the realms of possibility
that we're truly meant to be together
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00:06:35,034 --> 00:06:36,816
and we just met at the wrong time.
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00:06:36,916 --> 00:06:38,618
[phone vibrates]
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00:06:38,718 --> 00:06:40,720
- My brother.
- Diet Coke?
148
00:06:44,724 --> 00:06:47,106
- What's up?
- Hiya, I'm in Dalston,
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00:06:47,206 --> 00:06:49,436
Thought I'd come by,
see how our bar's doing.
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00:06:49,489 --> 00:06:51,030
- You about?
- I'm not.
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00:06:51,031 --> 00:06:53,492
But I'll be back tomorrow,
if you wanna swing by.
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00:06:53,493 --> 00:06:55,723
Ah, sorry, me and Lauren
have a deer carcass
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00:06:55,724 --> 00:06:57,295
preparation workshop tomorrow.
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00:06:57,296 --> 00:06:59,118
- We've had it booked for ages.
- Oh.
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00:06:59,218 --> 00:07:01,961
- So, you're still into all that stuff?
- Um, yeah.
156
00:07:01,962 --> 00:07:05,023
I'm still into surviving
the inevitable collapse of society.
157
00:07:05,024 --> 00:07:06,726
- Call me crazy.
- I do.
158
00:07:06,826 --> 00:07:09,068
I've got to go, Jay.
Enjoy the dead deer.
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00:07:11,190 --> 00:07:14,654
All clear. So, we've owned the bar
for nearly 12 years,
160
00:07:14,754 --> 00:07:16,074
our father owned it before.
161
00:07:16,075 --> 00:07:17,857
Hey! Let's go.
162
00:07:17,957 --> 00:07:19,959
Now, to go get my bagel.
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00:07:20,319 --> 00:07:23,383
Oh, God, you're gonna end up
on the fucking news.
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00:07:23,483 --> 00:07:25,845
["The Look" by Roxette playing]
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♪ Walkin' like a man
Hitting like a hammer ♪
166
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♪ She's a juvenile scam
Never was a quitter ♪
167
00:07:43,663 --> 00:07:46,506
♪ Tasty like a raindrop
She's got the look ♪
168
00:07:46,507 --> 00:07:50,989
♪ Heavenly bound
'Cause heaven's got her number ♪
169
00:07:50,990 --> 00:07:53,752
♪ When she's spinnin' me around
Kissin' is a colour ♪
170
00:07:53,753 --> 00:07:56,335
- ♪ Her lovin' is a wild dog... ♪
- [woman] Hi!
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00:07:56,435 --> 00:07:59,018
I remember you,
you're the little Irish girl.
172
00:07:59,118 --> 00:08:01,140
[Irish accent] Top o' the mornin' to ya!
173
00:08:01,240 --> 00:08:04,063
Bloody hell, you've not grown
an inch, have you?
174
00:08:04,163 --> 00:08:06,986
Hiya. Maggie Donovan,
here to do a talk for Miss Finch.
175
00:08:07,086 --> 00:08:09,208
Oh, yeah,
she said something about that.
176
00:08:09,729 --> 00:08:12,411
[Irish accent] Hang on here,
while I give her a buzz.
177
00:08:12,852 --> 00:08:15,435
Do you still get
those nasty nosebleeds?
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00:08:15,535 --> 00:08:17,637
No!
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00:08:17,737 --> 00:08:20,079
Sometimes.
180
00:08:20,080 --> 00:08:22,260
I can't believe
you were the nosebleed kid.
181
00:08:22,261 --> 00:08:24,724
Ugh! I forgot how much I hate it here.
182
00:08:24,824 --> 00:08:27,967
God, it even smells the same.
How do you preserve a smell, like?
183
00:08:27,968 --> 00:08:30,428
I can't picture you here.
It's very Grange Hill,
184
00:08:30,429 --> 00:08:32,431
but somehow, less glamour.
185
00:08:34,594 --> 00:08:36,616
Oh, my God.
186
00:08:36,716 --> 00:08:38,498
That's him. That's Mr Phillips.
187
00:08:38,598 --> 00:08:40,600
The lurcher?
188
00:08:46,165 --> 00:08:48,588
- Oh, my God!
- Oh, my God! He fucking remembers.
189
00:08:48,589 --> 00:08:51,249
He probably thinks you're here
to make a historical complaint.
190
00:08:51,250 --> 00:08:54,474
How does he still have his job here?
People saw him do the lurch.
191
00:08:54,574 --> 00:08:57,196
Mr Wilson saw him do the lurch,
and now he's his boss.
192
00:08:57,296 --> 00:09:00,186
- That's really fucked up!
- MISS FINCH: Maggie Donovan!
193
00:09:00,259 --> 00:09:02,441
- [chuckles]
- Hey!
194
00:09:02,541 --> 00:09:05,685
The greatest Willy Loman
this school has ever seen.
195
00:09:05,785 --> 00:09:08,968
- Aw...
- And you're a professional actor, now.
196
00:09:09,068 --> 00:09:12,331
No, um, I'm a playwright.
197
00:09:12,431 --> 00:09:15,935
Oh. Well, that's nice, too.
198
00:09:16,035 --> 00:09:19,058
- Uh, this is...
- Adele Dazeem.
199
00:09:19,158 --> 00:09:20,459
Maggie's publicist.
200
00:09:20,559 --> 00:09:21,821
My goodness, a publicist.
201
00:09:21,921 --> 00:09:23,222
Isn't that something?
202
00:09:23,322 --> 00:09:25,304
Now, listen, I have some fab news.
203
00:09:25,305 --> 00:09:27,846
Our principal, Mr Wilson,
you might remember him.
204
00:09:27,847 --> 00:09:29,749
Mr Wilson... [blows raspberry softly]
205
00:09:29,849 --> 00:09:32,672
- History, was it? Yeah, yeah.
- Yes! That's right!
206
00:09:32,772 --> 00:09:35,114
I told him about you coming,
and he said,
207
00:09:35,214 --> 00:09:37,036
with an alumnus of your calibre,
208
00:09:37,037 --> 00:09:39,457
we shouldn't be wasting you
on the little'uns.
209
00:09:39,458 --> 00:09:41,748
So, he set up an assembly
with the A-level lot.
210
00:09:41,781 --> 00:09:44,443
Only 100 kids or so,
so it should be quite fun.
211
00:09:44,543 --> 00:09:46,806
- What? I, uh-
- 100 teenagers?
212
00:09:46,906 --> 00:09:48,908
Like- like, big teenagers?
213
00:09:49,268 --> 00:09:51,531
Hm. I don't know if that's a great idea,
214
00:09:51,631 --> 00:09:53,633
- from a PR point of view.
- James!
215
00:09:53,953 --> 00:09:55,414
She's getting cold feet.
216
00:09:55,514 --> 00:09:57,596
[smooth R'n'B music plays]
217
00:10:07,566 --> 00:10:10,169
Oh, that is not how I remembered him.
218
00:10:11,570 --> 00:10:12,952
Maggie Donovan.
219
00:10:12,953 --> 00:10:15,053
James Wilson.
I don't know if you remember,
220
00:10:15,054 --> 00:10:17,255
but I had the pleasure
of teaching you history.
221
00:10:17,256 --> 00:10:19,038
Yes, I, um...
222
00:10:19,138 --> 00:10:21,360
Yes, I do remember. [chuckles awkwardly]
223
00:10:21,460 --> 00:10:23,482
Uh, this is my-
224
00:10:23,483 --> 00:10:26,344
- Adele Dazeem, publicist to the stars.
- Lovely to meet you.
225
00:10:26,345 --> 00:10:31,490
So, Maggie, I hope it's all right with you
that we've expanded your audience a bit.
226
00:10:31,590 --> 00:10:34,013
- Well, I- Um...
- Come on.
227
00:10:34,014 --> 00:10:35,914
The Maggie Donovan
I remember wouldn't have
228
00:10:35,915 --> 00:10:37,577
been scared of a few teenagers.
229
00:10:37,677 --> 00:10:38,898
[laughter]
230
00:10:38,998 --> 00:10:41,000
Um...
231
00:10:42,361 --> 00:10:44,363
Yeah, no, I'd love to.
232
00:10:46,886 --> 00:10:47,987
Great.
233
00:10:48,087 --> 00:10:50,169
[soft chuckling]
234
00:10:54,734 --> 00:10:57,036
I mean... he still
has something about him.
235
00:10:57,136 --> 00:11:00,039
He does have a thing.
It's not the thing I was expecting,
236
00:11:00,040 --> 00:11:02,981
which is, like, classic good looks,
but he does have a thing,
237
00:11:02,982 --> 00:11:04,903
and he's the principal,
and that's fit.
238
00:11:04,904 --> 00:11:06,906
It is fit. It is fit!
239
00:11:06,907 --> 00:11:10,468
- However, I cannot do this assembly.
- Yeah, right.
240
00:11:10,469 --> 00:11:12,871
Because it's, like, my idea of hell.
You know, like,
241
00:11:12,872 --> 00:11:15,593
a group of 11-year-olds who don't know
their arse from their elbow
242
00:11:15,594 --> 00:11:18,658
- is one thing, but 100-
- 100 fucking hormonal nutjobs.
243
00:11:18,659 --> 00:11:21,039
And these aren't nice kids.
I went to this school,
244
00:11:21,040 --> 00:11:23,681
- we're not fucking Hogwarts.
- You'll literally get cyber-bullied.
245
00:11:23,682 --> 00:11:26,364
They'll find your Instagram
and make fun of your selfies.
246
00:11:26,365 --> 00:11:28,285
Do you think they've read the reviews?
247
00:11:28,327 --> 00:11:30,509
Do I think these small-town teenagers
248
00:11:30,609 --> 00:11:32,952
have read the reviews of your Fringe play?
249
00:11:33,052 --> 00:11:35,554
I mean, I would say off-West End,
but I mean-
250
00:11:35,654 --> 00:11:37,677
He- [exhales] Mr Wilson,
251
00:11:37,777 --> 00:11:40,247
he's literally just
a secondary school teacher.
252
00:11:40,659 --> 00:11:43,803
- You wanna do a runner.
- Thanks for saying it, I didn't want to.
253
00:11:43,903 --> 00:11:45,164
[lively music plays]
254
00:11:45,264 --> 00:11:46,846
Ah!
255
00:11:46,847 --> 00:11:48,506
- Busted.
- Hi, we weren't leaving.
256
00:11:48,507 --> 00:11:50,249
- Well, I hope not.
- [chuckles]
257
00:11:50,349 --> 00:11:52,399
- [phone vibrates]
- That's work, sorry.
258
00:11:52,671 --> 00:11:54,894
Klent, I've told you,
if there's a spider...
259
00:11:54,994 --> 00:11:56,816
Could I, um, grab one of those?
260
00:11:56,916 --> 00:11:58,918
- Yeah, sure.
- OK.
261
00:12:03,036 --> 00:12:08,927
- Thought your generation didn't smoke.
- That's the one after us.
262
00:12:08,928 --> 00:12:11,129
We smoke, we just refuse
to drink cow's milk.
263
00:12:11,130 --> 00:12:13,132
- [chuckles] Oh, right.
- [chuckles]
264
00:12:15,895 --> 00:12:18,077
- What is it?
- [banging]
265
00:12:18,177 --> 00:12:19,959
The till's not printing receipts.
266
00:12:20,059 --> 00:12:22,361
- Shall I just close?
- [scoffs] No.
267
00:12:22,461 --> 00:12:24,964
It just needs new till roll,
it's in the office.
268
00:12:25,064 --> 00:12:28,728
Uh, Jay told me to stay out of there
while he's here with the surveyor.
269
00:12:28,828 --> 00:12:30,449
What do you mean, surveyor?
270
00:12:30,549 --> 00:12:34,213
I don't know.
I think they take surveys of things.
271
00:12:34,313 --> 00:12:36,215
- Like a questionnaire.
- No, I-
272
00:12:36,315 --> 00:12:38,818
- How did they get in there?
- I gave them a key.
273
00:12:38,918 --> 00:12:41,861
- Why did you do that?
- Uh, because keys open locks.
274
00:12:41,961 --> 00:12:43,963
[blows sharply] I'll be there soon.
275
00:12:45,564 --> 00:12:47,646
She's so badly raised.
276
00:12:47,647 --> 00:12:53,691
D'you remember me, or did you have
to look through old yearbooks?
277
00:12:53,692 --> 00:12:55,974
[chuckles] No, you're not
someone you forget in a hurry
278
00:12:55,975 --> 00:12:57,556
- Cos I was a nightmare.
- No, no.
279
00:12:57,656 --> 00:13:00,359
I saw you as a young woman
with a lot of spirit,
280
00:13:00,459 --> 00:13:03,362
a lot potential, and very little
patience for authority.
281
00:13:03,462 --> 00:13:06,525
Plus, you know, you'd just moved
to a whole new country, so...
282
00:13:06,625 --> 00:13:08,948
- Can't have been easy.
- Well, thanks for, um...
283
00:13:09,588 --> 00:13:11,290
...for being nice to me, back then.
284
00:13:11,390 --> 00:13:13,392
You were special.
285
00:13:14,874 --> 00:13:17,676
Are... special.
286
00:13:18,757 --> 00:13:20,759
Sure.
287
00:13:22,361 --> 00:13:26,465
- So, um, Mr Phillips...
- Mm.
288
00:13:26,466 --> 00:13:28,646
D'you remember what happened
with him at prom?
289
00:13:28,647 --> 00:13:30,568
Surprised to see he's still working here.
290
00:13:30,569 --> 00:13:32,571
[clears throat]
291
00:13:34,373 --> 00:13:36,375
Well, I better get back.
292
00:13:36,815 --> 00:13:38,817
Nearly time for your big moment.
293
00:13:42,781 --> 00:13:43,883
[chuckles]
294
00:13:43,983 --> 00:13:46,185
[electronic music plays]
295
00:13:51,750 --> 00:13:53,752
[phone vibrates]
296
00:13:57,556 --> 00:13:59,558
[scoffs]
297
00:14:00,279 --> 00:14:02,661
- Eddie!
- There you are. We need to go.
298
00:14:02,761 --> 00:14:06,345
- My brother's snooping around the bar.
- We can't leave now, can we?
299
00:14:06,445 --> 00:14:07,947
You're doing the assembly?
300
00:14:08,047 --> 00:14:10,529
You left me with him.
301
00:14:11,170 --> 00:14:13,192
He kept looking at me with his eyes.
302
00:14:13,292 --> 00:14:15,614
Maggie, I need to go.
303
00:14:15,975 --> 00:14:17,977
You can leave straight after.
304
00:14:18,297 --> 00:14:21,300
This will take five minutes, tops.
305
00:14:21,780 --> 00:14:23,782
Oh, my God.
306
00:14:25,664 --> 00:14:27,887
Oh, Maggie Donovan!
307
00:14:27,987 --> 00:14:30,129
Oh, my goodness, hi!
308
00:14:30,229 --> 00:14:32,571
How are you? You look incredible.
309
00:14:32,671 --> 00:14:34,333
Thanks, you too.
310
00:14:34,433 --> 00:14:36,375
Uh, Adele, this is...
311
00:14:36,475 --> 00:14:39,098
- Alison.
- Alison. We were in the same year.
312
00:14:39,198 --> 00:14:42,661
It's been yonks. [chuckles]
What are you doing here?
313
00:14:42,761 --> 00:14:45,231
Uh, they've invited me here
to lead an assembly,
314
00:14:45,232 --> 00:14:47,285
to inspire the next generation
to reach beyond
315
00:14:47,286 --> 00:14:50,048
the confines of their tiny lives,
but, uh, what about you?
316
00:14:50,049 --> 00:14:52,791
- What have you been up to?
- Wow! I teach dance here.
317
00:14:52,792 --> 00:14:55,613
Which is brill. [chuckles]
Oh, and I've got three kids,
318
00:14:55,614 --> 00:14:56,956
if you can believe that.
319
00:14:57,056 --> 00:14:59,758
Why- Wise of you to have so many.
320
00:14:59,759 --> 00:15:03,341
[chuckles] Right, well, I don't wanna
keep you before your big assembly,
321
00:15:03,342 --> 00:15:05,284
but I would love to catch up afterwards.
322
00:15:05,384 --> 00:15:07,586
- Aw.
- Aw! [chuckles]
323
00:15:10,429 --> 00:15:12,571
Three kids? She is my age.
324
00:15:12,671 --> 00:15:14,213
What was she, a child bride?
325
00:15:14,214 --> 00:15:16,474
Some women spend their 20s
starting a family.
326
00:15:16,475 --> 00:15:19,425
Some women spend them on ketamine,
both are valid choices.
327
00:15:19,518 --> 00:15:21,520
Right, time for my TED Talk.
328
00:15:21,521 --> 00:15:24,762
OK, Maggie, you are really confident
about this improvised,
329
00:15:24,763 --> 00:15:27,405
but apparently, life-changing speech
you're about to make.
330
00:15:27,406 --> 00:15:30,169
Eddie, they are kids.
How hard can it be?
331
00:15:37,336 --> 00:15:38,837
Jesus, they're massive.
332
00:15:38,937 --> 00:15:40,939
These are teenagers?
333
00:15:41,981 --> 00:15:43,842
JAMES: Maggie is a playwright.
334
00:15:43,942 --> 00:15:47,126
She's worked with some big-name
London theatres,
335
00:15:47,226 --> 00:15:51,170
including the Dagenham Arts Club bar,
336
00:15:51,270 --> 00:15:54,413
and several up-and-coming pub theatres.
337
00:15:54,513 --> 00:15:57,496
It just goes to show,
the sky's the limit for our alumni.
338
00:15:57,596 --> 00:16:01,060
So, let's welcome her on
with a round of applause.
339
00:16:01,160 --> 00:16:03,522
[scattered applause]
340
00:16:07,046 --> 00:16:09,048
- Hi.
- [loud feedback]
341
00:16:09,848 --> 00:16:11,850
[students murmur]
342
00:16:16,015 --> 00:16:18,297
What is theatre?
343
00:16:21,620 --> 00:16:23,622
It's just a room.
344
00:16:24,463 --> 00:16:27,306
Uh, it's like this room, but, um...
345
00:16:27,986 --> 00:16:32,391
...better, you can get wine there,
uh, for instance.
346
00:16:34,473 --> 00:16:38,437
[stutters] If you have a room,
you have theatre.
347
00:16:38,438 --> 00:16:41,919
That's actually quite profound,
because, if you think about it,
348
00:16:41,920 --> 00:16:45,744
like, everyone has a room...
No, not ev- um...
349
00:16:45,844 --> 00:16:47,846
[anxious deep breathing]
350
00:16:48,887 --> 00:16:51,170
And, um, you know what they say...
351
00:16:52,611 --> 00:16:55,834
All the world's a stage.
352
00:16:55,934 --> 00:17:00,579
And the men and ladies, merely people.
353
00:17:03,382 --> 00:17:05,384
Do you know who said that?
354
00:17:06,745 --> 00:17:08,747
Abraham Lincoln.
355
00:17:12,591 --> 00:17:14,053
[light chuckling]
356
00:17:14,153 --> 00:17:16,455
Uh, so, yeah.
357
00:17:16,555 --> 00:17:19,338
Instead of me, like, doing this,
like, long speech,
358
00:17:19,438 --> 00:17:22,101
I think I'll kinda do, like, a Q and A.
359
00:17:22,201 --> 00:17:25,344
So, if anyone has any questions
they wanted to...
360
00:17:25,444 --> 00:17:27,194
- Yes.
- Yeah, what's your bra size?
361
00:17:27,195 --> 00:17:28,806
- [laughter]
- JAMES: All right.
362
00:17:28,807 --> 00:17:30,509
Absolutely hilarious, Aaron.
363
00:17:30,609 --> 00:17:33,392
Mr Willy, would you take him
to your office, please?
364
00:17:33,492 --> 00:17:36,515
[students protest]
365
00:17:36,615 --> 00:17:39,057
Um... Yeah, I'm, um...
366
00:17:39,658 --> 00:17:42,821
I'm not gonna answer that one,
cos I don't wanna get Yew Tree'd.
367
00:17:46,705 --> 00:17:48,707
[door opens]
368
00:17:53,272 --> 00:17:54,853
Uh...
369
00:17:54,953 --> 00:17:56,575
Are there any other ques- Yeah.
370
00:17:56,675 --> 00:17:59,178
- Did you like school?
- Oh, fuck, no. I hated it.
371
00:17:59,278 --> 00:18:00,339
[laughter]
372
00:18:00,439 --> 00:18:01,700
All right, come on.
373
00:18:01,800 --> 00:18:03,802
You've heard a swear word before.
374
00:18:04,723 --> 00:18:06,965
Um... Sorry, um...
375
00:18:07,606 --> 00:18:10,389
Sorry, yeah, no, I, um...
I really hated school.
376
00:18:10,489 --> 00:18:12,911
[hysterical laughter]
377
00:18:13,011 --> 00:18:14,553
It felt like, um...
378
00:18:14,653 --> 00:18:17,436
Like a huge waste of my time,
and, like...
379
00:18:17,536 --> 00:18:21,086
Like, nobody gives a fuck about
your A-level results in the real world.
380
00:18:21,087 --> 00:18:23,301
University's just a scam
run by the government
381
00:18:23,302 --> 00:18:25,284
to fund nuclear arms, probably.
382
00:18:25,384 --> 00:18:28,247
But, um... Yeah. What did I even learn?
383
00:18:28,248 --> 00:18:31,389
I don't remember anything I learned,
and I turned out fine, so...
384
00:18:31,390 --> 00:18:32,891
[laughter]
385
00:18:32,991 --> 00:18:35,033
[upbeat music plays]
386
00:18:36,795 --> 00:18:38,797
Any more questions?
387
00:18:46,765 --> 00:18:48,767
JAMES: Come in.
388
00:18:53,572 --> 00:18:56,075
So... apologies.
389
00:18:56,175 --> 00:18:58,637
- That was a bit inappropriate.
- A bit?
390
00:18:58,737 --> 00:19:01,327
They really responded to me,
you know, the honesty.
391
00:19:01,540 --> 00:19:03,202
- Teenagers like honesty.
- Oh!
392
00:19:03,302 --> 00:19:05,504
Oh, is that-
is that what teenagers like?
393
00:19:05,505 --> 00:19:08,346
You completely undermined
everything we do here.
394
00:19:08,347 --> 00:19:11,148
Cos I didn't pretend school
was the best years of my life?
395
00:19:11,149 --> 00:19:13,511
It's a battle keeping
some of these kids in school.
396
00:19:13,512 --> 00:19:15,734
You have absolutely no idea.
397
00:19:15,834 --> 00:19:17,976
- You, you're just-
- I'm what?
398
00:19:18,076 --> 00:19:20,259
You-
399
00:19:20,359 --> 00:19:22,361
What?
400
00:19:23,522 --> 00:19:25,924
[lively music]
401
00:19:29,568 --> 00:19:31,570
[clattering]
402
00:19:33,091 --> 00:19:35,173
[moaning softly]
403
00:19:36,335 --> 00:19:39,698
Just tell him to leave, Klent.
He's not answering my texts.
404
00:19:39,699 --> 00:19:42,740
No, he's not gonna karate kick you,
he's my brother.
405
00:19:42,741 --> 00:19:45,964
Wh- Hang on. Excuse me,
have you seen Maggie anywhere?
406
00:19:46,064 --> 00:19:47,166
Who?
407
00:19:47,266 --> 00:19:48,607
The little Irish girl.
408
00:19:48,707 --> 00:19:50,129
[chuckles] Oh, yeah.
409
00:19:50,229 --> 00:19:52,231
She went into Mr Wilson's office.
410
00:19:52,564 --> 00:19:56,554
I've been thinking
about you for 15 years.
411
00:19:56,555 --> 00:19:58,177
Oh, me too.
412
00:19:58,277 --> 00:20:00,779
- Not in a paedo-y way.
- Don't say that word.
413
00:20:00,879 --> 00:20:02,261
Sorry, sorry.
414
00:20:02,361 --> 00:20:05,144
I mean, we just had this-
this connection.
415
00:20:05,244 --> 00:20:06,985
Exactly. Exactly, right.
416
00:20:07,085 --> 00:20:09,087
- Take your knickers off.
- OK.
417
00:20:12,090 --> 00:20:14,153
Oh, my God, she's actually doing it.
418
00:20:14,154 --> 00:20:16,534
- She's actually- Hi!
- Oh, hi! Maggie's Friend!
419
00:20:16,535 --> 00:20:18,917
Could you tell her
it was nice to see her?
420
00:20:18,918 --> 00:20:20,738
- Yeah.
- I've gotta start dance club.
421
00:20:20,739 --> 00:20:22,601
I'll leave these two with their dad.
422
00:20:22,701 --> 00:20:24,763
I think Mr Wilson's a little bit busy.
423
00:20:24,863 --> 00:20:26,865
No, it's OK, it's just us.
424
00:20:27,706 --> 00:20:30,169
Sorry, could I- Thank you.
425
00:20:30,269 --> 00:20:31,490
- Yeah.
- Thanks.
426
00:20:31,590 --> 00:20:33,131
- Come on, guys.
- Oh, my God.
427
00:20:33,231 --> 00:20:36,295
- [Alison screams]
- JAMES: Oh! Oh!
428
00:20:36,395 --> 00:20:38,297
What the fuck, James?
429
00:20:38,397 --> 00:20:39,938
No, no, no. Please, listen.
430
00:20:40,038 --> 00:20:42,448
- What are you doing here?
- What am I doing here?
431
00:20:42,521 --> 00:20:44,383
I'm his wife!
432
00:20:44,483 --> 00:20:47,045
I'm sorry, you married a student?
433
00:20:47,566 --> 00:20:50,068
- We connected years after.
- Oh, my God.
434
00:20:50,168 --> 00:20:52,158
Can you tell your kids
to stop filming?
435
00:20:52,250 --> 00:20:55,033
Don't fucking talk to me.
You don't fucking talk to me!
436
00:20:55,133 --> 00:20:56,993
I think they're gonna put it on TikTok.
437
00:20:57,015 --> 00:20:58,997
You promised me I was the only one!
438
00:20:59,097 --> 00:21:01,680
- You were- Are.
- I am genuinely sorry,
439
00:21:01,780 --> 00:21:03,041
but I cannot...
440
00:21:03,141 --> 00:21:05,223
[lively music plays]
441
00:21:24,317 --> 00:21:30,568
[sighs] Thank you for accompanying
me on another gorgeous day out.
442
00:21:30,569 --> 00:21:32,619
One for the, um...
[chuckles] ...record books.
443
00:21:35,093 --> 00:21:38,497
Look, I'm all for shenanigans...
444
00:21:40,218 --> 00:21:42,220
...but are you manic?
445
00:21:45,143 --> 00:21:48,093
Just because, if you are,
you know what comes next, right?
446
00:21:48,186 --> 00:21:51,650
OK, this wasn't my finest hour,
but you don't need to be so judgy.
447
00:21:51,750 --> 00:21:53,211
No, I'm not, I was just...
448
00:21:53,311 --> 00:21:55,534
I just wanted to check.
449
00:21:55,634 --> 00:21:57,576
Sorry, I'm just... [breathes deeply]
450
00:21:57,676 --> 00:22:00,899
I'm pranging out about Jay
sniffing round the bar, earlier.
451
00:22:00,999 --> 00:22:03,862
No, no. It's cool, I get it.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
452
00:22:03,962 --> 00:22:07,065
I need to go wash an old man's cum
out of my tights.
453
00:22:07,165 --> 00:22:09,107
You're a nightmare.
454
00:22:09,207 --> 00:22:11,109
- [car door shuts]
- But you love me!
455
00:22:11,209 --> 00:22:13,552
But I love you!
456
00:22:13,652 --> 00:22:16,194
[engine starts]
457
00:22:16,294 --> 00:22:18,537
["In Waves" by Slow Club playing]
458
00:22:37,596 --> 00:22:41,600
♪ I can't believe it
how we ended up so far ♪
459
00:22:44,002 --> 00:22:49,568
♪ We could be coasting
like the angels with a habit ♪
460
00:22:50,409 --> 00:22:53,812
♪ I'll see the ocean closer
if you let me say my... ♪
461
00:22:54,733 --> 00:22:56,154
[clock ticking]
462
00:22:56,254 --> 00:22:58,256
[distant sirens]
463
00:23:09,748 --> 00:23:12,250
♪ You can't tell me
you're not like this ♪
464
00:23:12,251 --> 00:23:15,112
♪ Staring down the pages
of the shit you've missed ♪
465
00:23:15,113 --> 00:23:17,516
♪ Hoping you'll find a way
just to change ♪
466
00:23:19,998 --> 00:23:22,461
♪ Days spent waiting in my living grave ♪
467
00:23:22,561 --> 00:23:25,504
♪ Then turning up at parties
like a hurricane ♪
468
00:23:25,604 --> 00:23:27,606
♪ But it comes in waves ♪
469
00:23:28,286 --> 00:23:31,970
♪ It comes in... waves ♪
470
00:23:32,020 --> 00:23:36,570
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