All language subtitles for Bobs.Burgers.S14E01.1080p.WEB.h264-BAE-ing

LINDA:
So, everyone enjoying the dinner

your father and I
nicely made you?

Don't be afraid
to shout out compliments.

TINA:
Oh, sorry. It's really good.

- Thank you.
- It's chicken, right?

- Yes, Tina.
- I knew it.

Sorry, Mom, I'm just still
sort of reeling from school,

Where my grape-flavored
finger pop-pet

was cruelly taken from me!

Yeah, you've mentioned
the finger candy thing.

Finger pop-pet!

Whoops. Hey.

- No candy in class.
- But I wasn't eating it.

Then why does it look
half-eaten?

Because I've been savoring it,

slowly and responsibly.

Well, I'm gonna savor
doing this.

LOUISE: No, no, no, no, no, no!
Not the trash, no...

And that's why grown-ups
are monsters.

Okay. Uh, sorry
about that, Louise,

but, uh, kids,
we wanted to talk to you

- about something.
- Right.

Are we all getting
matching jumpsuits finally?

- No.
- (Gene groans)

So, uh, starting tomorrow,

your father and I
thought it would be good

and also re-really fun
to do chores.

- Chores?
- Didn't we try those before

and we were all like, "Nah"?

Uh, we're-we're gonna
try it again.

Yep, you're gonna
clean the bathroom,

vacuum the floors,
dust... stuff.

Um, are we getting a raise
in our very meager allowance

because of these
so-called chores?

Yeah! I mean, yeah.

No. I think the reward

is that you are contributing
to this family.

And learning that
it's important to pitch in

in society and stuff like that.

You know, we do work
in the restaurant.

Every day. For free.

Not that any of us have called
child welfare or anything.

Except for that one time.

I didn't love that you did that.

But the guy we talked to
was nice.

Oh, yeah. Todd. What's he up to?

Where is all this chore stuff
coming from, anyway?

- NPR?
- Well, if you must know,

I was talking to Grandma Gloria
the other day

and she reminded me
that they made me and Gayle

do chores every weekend
when we were growing up.

And she thought we should
be doing it with you kids.

She actually thought
we already were,

and I said we tried,
but it didn't really stick

and then she made
that "hmph" sound.

Ugh, Grandma Gloria.

No huggies from Genie
for a year.

All right. Well, what if
we refuse to do these chores?

- Yeah.
- Respectfully?

Okay, well, then,
I would respectfully say

you don't have a choice.

- Right, Bob?
- Uh, uh, right.

Well, then,
we're going to respectfully

stop eating our vegetables.

Gene, Tina? Want to stop
eating your broccoli?

(whispering):
But I like broccoli.

- Tina!
- Right, sorry.

(normal volume):
Well, then, you are respectfully

not getting any dessert.

- Damn it!
- Okay, then we are respectfully

- not doing our homework.
- Ooh.

You're gonna play
this game with Mama?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, good.

(whispering):
But Lin, "no TV"

- means we don't get to watch TV.
- Show no weakness.

- They're gonna crack.
- What if they don't crack?

I'm worried
they're not cracking.

LOUISE (normal volume):
Mm-mmm. Nope.

- Not brushing them.
- (groans)

- BOB: Mm.
- And if we get painful cavities,

- we'll be the ones laughing.
- Yeah. Wait.

LINDA:
Okay, early bedtime,

in your room, lights out, now.

- Nuh-uh. Not going to bed.
- Until we get tired.

- Yeah.
- Guys.

- I mean, never.
- Right.

- Okay, then, no...
- What?

- No...
- You got nothing.

No, no Christmas ever again!

Uh, Linda, want to have
a quick chat?

I feel like it's not going well.

What-what if I go buy
a bag of candy

and we give them candy

- if they do the chores?
- No, Bob.

They should do chores
'cause we told them to

and 'cause it'll make them
better people in society

and all that crap,
not to get candy.

I mean, what if they turn
into little delinquents

who won't listen to authority
and it-it ruins their lives?

Then we'll just pretend
we don't know them?

Hmm. Maybe.

Well, the kids
have to go to bed.

So, we need a cease-fire,
I think.

(sighs)
Okay, fine. You're right.

Eh, we'll-we'll put a pin
in the chores thing

and figure out a way
to make them do them tomorrow.

Blackmail, maybe?

Have you been writing
stuff down? I haven't.

- (groans)
- Kids.

Come in here. Come on.

- Okay.
- Hmm.

I'm sorry about
that "no Christmas" thing.

Come on. Come up
in the bed with Mama.

- Come on.
- Are you gonna kill us?

No.

Let's, uh, revisit
the chores thing later.

Why don't we all
just relax, huh?

(yawns)
So tired, right?

- No.
- Yes. Should we sing a nice song

or tell a bedtime story? Huh?

A bedtime story?
Like you guys used to do?

- Back when we were children?
- Oh, yeah, Dad,

you used to tell that story
about Pepperoni the Sleepy Pony.

- Oh, right.
- Aw, Pepperoni.

Roaming the plains, looking
for a nice place to sleep.

- And a little pepperoni.
- GENE: Aren't we all?

Tell that story, Bob.

Okay. Um, I think I remember it.

- But maybe he's not sleepy.
- And maybe he's really buff?

But also super humble.
About how buff he is.

But he's still into pepperoni.

Uh, okay, so,

Pepperoni the super buff pony
wanders around,

looking for a place
to, um, not sleep.

And he ends up in a town.

It was a small mining town

- called W-Western-ville.
- LINDA: Oh, that's good.

BOB: And there were three siblings
that lived there,

the Belch-earps.

The-the Bearps.

And they operated
the town's tavern.

The youngest ran the bar

and the gambling side
of things...

LOUISE:
Oh, and give me giant boots

with huge spurs on the back.

- And the front.
- BOB: Uh, okay, sure.

A-And the middle one
ran the entertainment.

GENE: And I have one of those
player pianos.

But I can carry it around.

BOB:
You carry around a player piano?

- Yeah, because it's cutting-edge.
- All right.

Uh, and the oldest
runs the hotel and stables.

TINA: Well, more of a horse hotel
that also has rooms for people.

Right this way, sir.

- It's classy.
- LINDA: (clears throat)

And, uh, maybe there's some
nice sheriffs in this town.

- M-Married sheriffs.
- BOB: Uh, okay.

LINDA: Yeah, and they're really great,
but the townspeople

don't listen to the sheriffs
because the townspeople

can be big pains in the butt sometimes.

But I thought this was supposed
to be a relaxing bedtime story?

- Yeah, so one of the sheriffs says...
- Yeah.

Hey, Bearps,
maybe you could try and keep

your area nice and clean today?

Hmm, let me think about that.

(blows raspberry)
Oh, and also...

- (blows raspberry)
- But I mean,

maybe you could, you know,
sweep up all the glass?

Um, I think I know
the gambling business, m'kay?

(grunts) It's read 'em and weep,
not read 'em and sweep.

♪ And I'm not cleaning up
anything, either ♪

♪ In the Wild, Wild West. ♪

LINDA: They wouldn't listen to anything
the married sheriffs said,

who were actually a lot older

and smarter
than the townspeople,

but still good-looking
for their age.

But there was a reason
the townspeople

didn't want to listen
to the married sheriffs.

- No, there wasn't.
- Yes, there was.

- Because one night...
- Hey, you're not telling the story.

Because one night,

after they ordered
the townspeople to go to bed...

- LINDA: Townspeople, go to bed.
- BOB: Yeah.

- LINDA: 'Cause we're the boss.
- Yeah.

LOUISE:
And after all the old-timey

Old West lights were out,

the married sheriffs
got on their horses

and they rode off
into the night.

But not everyone went to bed.

The three Bearps
followed the sheriffs.

Attaboy, Pepperoni.

Three riders on him and
he's not even breaking a sweat.

So buff.

LOUISE: They tracked them to the mine
outside of town.

And there, they discovered
that the married sheriffs

were having a sneaky
nighttime meeting

with owner of the mine and
super rich guy Mr. Goldoeder.

Hello. I was just
kissing my gold good night.

So, how's the secret plan
to have those nitwit townspeople

keep the place
nice and tidy going?

So that Big G will be impressed
and want to buy the town,

the mine and all this land,
and we get our big payout?

Wait, what? No, the married
sheriffs are good guys.

Yeah, that's what
they want you to think.

It turns out their intentions
were not so good.

- In fact, they were bad.
- No.

And all to serve
their own greedy purposes.

- No.
- (grunts)

LOUISE (whispering): We got to get rid
of the married sheriffs.

- TINA: Yep.
- GENE: The Merriffs?

- That what I call them.
- (Pepperoni sighs)

GENE: Pepperoni likes it.

So, the plan--
the tidy townspeople plan--

catch me up.
How's it going?

It's going really good.

- It-It's not going good.
- It's not going good.

Well, you two need to get tough.

Maybe make an example
of one of them.

Blast 'em with your
bean blaster.

Like this. Pew!

That's uh, the exact rock
I was aiming to hit.

I should have,
uh, said that beforehand.

Anyway, everything
has to be perfect

for when Big G comes.

She does not approve
of messy towns

or ill-behaved townspeople.

And if Big G doesn't approve,

then she's not gonna buy us out

and we don't get the money,

which I know
we're all big fans of.

Don't worry, we'll make sure
Big G is happy.

(sniffs)
What am I smelling?

Oh, that's me.
I-I don't wash myself.

That's...
(sighs) Okay.

So, the townspeople
had to figure out

how to get rid of the terrible,
greedy, smelly sheriffs.

(whispering): What if I just
pop down to the pharmacy

and ask for drugs
that put kids to sleep?

Probably not. But maybe?

(normal volume):
Anyway, the three siblings had

a secret meeting of their own.

Okay, all the townspeople
chipped in.

We've got about
a thousand dollars here.

TINA: Or we can offer you and your
horses a free, all expenses paid

weekend here at the inn,

which includes drinks,
horse massages,

our finest
pretty-clean chamber pots.

Your own personal entertainer.

♪ Look at you,
using your chamber pot. ♪

I think we'll just
take the money.

But I like that song.

So, how exactly does the whole

"taking someone and leaving them
in the middle of nowhere"

business work?

Well, basically
we just take 'em

and then we, uh, leave 'em
in the middle of nowhere.

LOUISE:
Okay, then.

Yup, with no money,

uncomfortable walking shoes,

only, like, a super small
thing of sunscreen.

No podcasts.

Okay, but what if then,

one of the leave-in-
the-middle-of-nowhere guys

starts asking some questions?

Are you sure you want to

get rid of the married sheriffs?

I mean, uh I haven't
been here long,

but they seem nice to me.

And-and loving, I want to say?

Yeah, and wise. Like,
they've got all this wisdom

to pass on about life,
and the world...

Uh-uh, uh-uh, uh-uh.

They're forcing us to do chores.

- (gasps)
- Do what?

No way. You guys seem like

you work so hard all the time.

And you're delightful.

- I know.
- Well, I'm gonna enjoy

leaving them
in the middle of nowhere.

And maybe only one
bathroom break on the way,

and then, after that,
we'll be like,

-"You got to hold it."
- Yeah.

But if we have to go,
we still stop.

I-I have a small bladder.

But a big heart.

LINDA (whispering):
Married Sheriff Bob,

I think something weird
might be going on.

BOB: Why, 'cause some strangers
threw us on a horse

- and put a blanket over us?
- Yeah.

I'm beginning to think
maybe this isn't

about a surprise
birthday party for us at all.

I mean, for one thing, it's not
anywhere close to our birthdays.

Yeah. Come to think of it,

I was actually the one who said

"Is this, like, a surprise
birthday party thing?"

And they said "Sure, whatever."

(normal volume):
Ooh, that's bright.

- Where are we?
- The middle of nowhere.

- What town is that near?
- None. This is your stop.

- Aah!
- Aah!

Can we have our bean blasters
back? No reason. Also,

can you maybe give us
your bean blasters? No reason.

- Nope.
- BOB: Fair enough.

And don't you start
pleading with us

not to leave you here
'cause we don't feel

emotionally compromised
about this at all.

Uh, please don't leave us here?

- Dang it!
- Please!

I'm not wearing
the right bra for this.

Sorry. Best of luck.

Are they still looking at us?

Uh, let me check. Yeah.

Do they look PO'd?

Pretty-pretty PO'd.

How about now?

- Hmm. Look still pretty upset.
- Aw, man.

JIMMY JR.:
Hey, cheer up. Let's go get you

- a western omelet.
- ZEKE: Okay.

So the married sheriffs
got what they deserved.

The end. What a great story.

I mean the structure's
a little all over the place...

Up, bup, bup. That's not the end.
No, no, no. You know why?

GENE:
Because nobody's kissed yet?

Because the married sheriffs
didn't give up.

They weren't gonna let
those punky townspeople win.

Not that it was about
winning or losing.

No, it was.
So, they started walking.

And they kept on walking.

And sure, there were
some piggy back rides.

And then they switched.

Uh, yup. And-and they,

uh, fought wolves.

They danced with wolves,

and they fought more wolves
because those wolves

didn't like the fact that they
danced with those other wolves.

Anyway, it was all
to get back to the townspeople

to help them
and watch over them.

Oh, no, the townspeople
are having an amazing time

and just totally
taking care of themselves.

- ♪ ♪
- (cheering)

Yeah!

Well, that's because they
didn't know what was coming.

It was trouble.
Real bad trouble.

The bad kind.

You naughty little nincompoops.

You couldn't just do what you
were told, could you?

Big G is gonna
change this whole place.

You could have been part of it.

A wonderful, new,
civilized society.

The well-mannered West,
she's gonna call it.

And also,
I'm gonna get even richer,

which will be pretty cool.

So, what's it gonna be?
You leave town

or my miner minions and I

fill you full of beans.

In a bad way?

In a very bad way.

- Linda.
- What? Too harsh?

It's a western.

Don't you make me
scared of beans, woman!

So, the townspeople--
who could have avoided all this

by just listening
to the sheriffs

and cleaning up the place,

but no--
now they were staring down

the bean blaster barrels
of Mr. Goldoeder

and his miner minions.
It was a standoff.

They were so standoffish. Sorry.

Standoff music.

♪ ♪

(Linda panting)

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

- Whoa!
- Stop, stop, stop.

We're here to protect you.

Who? Me? That's nice.

- No, them.
- Oh, boo.

Also, water would be great.

Anyone have water?

Uh, I-I'll ask later.

Wait, wait, wait.

Why should we trust you?

- Because.
- Because why?

Because we're the sheriffs
and it's our job to protect you.

But how do we know you're
not just out for yourself,

working with Goldoeder
to get your big payday

by impressing Big G?

Okay, yeah, maybe we wanted

to impress Big G a little bit.
So sue us.

Not that this town has a lawyer.

- I'm a lawyer.
- Oh, you are?

Yup. Personal injury, mostly.

- Oh, uh, great.
- A little tax law.

- Okay, yeah, I got it.
- Yup.

LINDA:
Anyway, what if doing chores

was actually good for you?

Huh? Did you ever think
about that, you punks?

That-that we love.

Maybe making you do chores
is protecting you.

From being delinquents. Ugh!

- Why didn't you just listen to us?
- Now!

- Aah!
- Huh?

Hey! See? That's what happens
when we listen to you--

we get all distracted and
we get our bean blasters stolen.

Damn it! Mine tied
my whole outfit together.

LINDA: But then Married
Sheriff Linda said...

Well, you can't bean blast
all of us, Goldoeder.

For one thing,
it would be a big beany mess,

and you know Big G
doesn't like messes.

That's true. Dang it.

LOUISE:
But then he had an idea.

I have an idea.
Let's have some fun.

- Yay!
- Yay!

Bearps? Married sheriffs?

How about a quick draw contest?

Each round is two people,
two beans. Best shot wins.

And the winner
of the whole thing

gets to decide
who stays and who goes.

Oh, and also, I'm entering

and I'm an amazing shot.

Pew!

Yup, that's... the one
I was trying to hit.

And I did.

Whoa, whoa, whoa,
the sheriffs would not

get into a quick draw contest
with their own people.

Also, Louise,
this sounds a lot like

the movie
The Quick and the Dead.

GENE: Which came first,
the movie or this story?

Uh, the movie.

So, is it like a rom-com, or...

Have you seen that
movie, Louise?

Only, like, the parts
they showed on TV.

While you were
asleep on the couch,

when I watched the whole movie.

Anyway, of course
the sheriffs would do it

because, deep down,
they knew it was the only way

to prove who's boss
of this town.

- No, I don't think so.
- She's right.

- What?
- They got to do the bean blaster

competition thingy
to show who's boss.

And Sheriff Bob
and Sheriff Linda

somehow both win, the end.

Dut, ba, dut-dut-dut-dut!

So, the contest began.

First up, Married Sheriff Bob
vs. Louise.

And please enjoy my tiny hat.

A baby gave it to me.

Just kidding, I had it made.
By a baby.

You're going down.

Uh, can I go against
someone else?

Maybe someone, uh,
less i-intimidating?

Maybe the lawyer?

- Hey.
- Nope.

Okay, I-I just...

My butt's out, isn't it?

- It is.
- Disgusting!

Well, that's not fair.

Also, Louise, why would
my butt flap be open?

Wouldn't it be closed?

Oh, they don't invent
closing butt flaps

for another 50 years.

Everybody, just listen.

Mom, I didn't
get to the part

where you shoot Gene's belt off

- and his butt is hanging out.
- Nice.

Why?! Why?! No!

(weakly): Ashes to ashes.

Butt to butt.

Wait. Did I die?

No, you were just
being dramatic.

Got it. Continue.

How did I do, Louise?
Pretty good?

Get ready for me to,

um, shoot you with...

Oh, you won.

So, not great.

LOUISE:
Then it was time

to find out who would face off

with Goldoeder
in the final round.

And that's
when Goldoeder decided

to make it more interesting.

Let's make it more interesting.

Now that we're down
to the real-deal

head honchos around here,

why don't we switch to
the real-deal bean.

Lima.

(gasping)

You can't be serious.

But lima beans are huge.
And they hurt like hell.

And they taste okay at best.

I mean, if you sauté them
with a little butter...

- Bob, shush.
- Dad, shh.

- Sorry.
- And Married Sheriff Linda said:

I can't believe you're about
to blast me with a lima bean.

LOUISE:
And Louise said:

I can't believe you're about to

blast me with a lima bean.

Just do the frickin' chores.

No frickin' way.

Aah! Why can't you just do
something when I ask you to?

I'm in charge and I know
what's best for you.

It's like you don't
respect me at all,

even though everything I do,
I do it for you.

Okay, Bryan Adams.

Sorry. Not doing them.

Ugh! It's so frustrating!

(sniffs) You know what?
Forget it.

Forget everything, I don't care.
I don't care what you do.

(sniffs)

Are you crying?
During a quick draw competition?

No, I'm fine.

Just, I'm in charge
and I'm fine. I'm fine.

Uh-oh. Uh, hey, everyone,

uh, look at, uh,
Pepperoni the Pony.

(clucks tongue)

- So hot.
- It's not all about you, Pepperoni.

(cries) It's not...

Uh, do I... win?

Is Mom okay? I'm only asking

'cause she ran out
of the room crying.

Maybe it's part of her
nightly beauty regimen

that we just aren't aware of.

If it works, it works.

I'm gonna, uh, go talk to her.

Or maybe I go?

Oh. Uh, okay.

So, anybody have
any fun weekend plans?

- No.
- Okay.

Uh, Mom?

Hi. I'm fine.

I just needed to fart,

so I ran out here to fart.

And I'm-I'm not crying,

even though it's really cool
for moms to get angry

and frustrated and cry
in front of their kids.

I'm sorry I made you not cry.

Now I feel like a jerk.

I just... It's not easy

having someone bigger than you

telling you what to do
all the time.

And then that thing at school,

Labonz taking my beautiful
finger pop-pet.

You, uh, you caught me
at a bad time.

I know, I know.

But I just had that
phone call with Grandma

and her whole chores spiel
got in my head.

So let's call it
all Grandma's fault.

No, we love Grandma.

But, yes, sort of.

Also, I mean, one of our chores

was to light Grandpa's cigars.

Like, in our mouths, so...

I can still taste it.

So, maybe she's not
mother of the year.

Well, now she sounds great.

It's just, you know...

It's been so much pressure

trying to raise good kids.
Good humans.

It can mess you up.
And then I get mad at you guys,

but you're just being kids.

It's-it's just... (sniffs)

You know, it's just a lot.

Mostly 'cause of Tina, right?
And Gene?

Come here, you.

You know, I'm glad
you're so spunky.

It'll be good for you
when you're older.

Nobody's gonna
push my Louise around.

You'll be the toughest little
cutie in prison. (grunts)

- Thanks, Mom.
- And I'm still gonna try

- to make you do chores.
- Mmm, never.

- What if I give you candy?
- Deal.

Maybe some of those
finger blasters?

Finger pop-pets.

The candy thing was my idea.

I'd clean the crap out
of this place for some candy.

As usual, candy
solves everything.

Now can we go back
to Mom and Dad's bed

and finish the story?
I need to know

what happens to that
intriguing piano player.

Does he ever play Coachella?

Oh, hurry it up already.

I need to go home
and wash these miners

before tomorrow.
They're filthy.

What the...

Yeah, we're on
the same side now.

Yeah, deal with it.

- Yay!
- Same sidesies!

Oh, whatever.
I'll just bean you both.

Could you stand just
next to each other?

And-and also stand closer to me?

What is going on?

Oh, Big G.
When did you get here?

Just now.

I took a coach
from the train station.

The driver was
very rough with my bags,

and his horses
were way too loud.

Oh, sorry to hear that.

Well, everything's fine, Big G.

Just gonna get rid of all these
naughty townspeople real quick

and then I can take you

on a fun tour.
FYI, the married sheriffs

are not cool anymore.

Ech. Is nobody doing
any chores around here?

I do not approve.

Well, guess what? That's fine.
You don't have to approve of it.

LOUISE:
Yeah. Agree to disapprove.

This is our town.
These are our people.

And that tart, onion-y odor
is our smell.

And sure, us sheriffs
may not always do

what we're supposed to do,
but we do what we need to do.

For the good of this town.

And I'm gonna
be a better sheriff

if I listen to my gut,

and not someone else's gut
who doesn't even live here.

And right now,
my gut is telling me

back off, Big G.

Aah!

BOB: Wait, there's a canon?

And I ride it, somehow?

LINDA: Yeah, a bean canon.

BOB:
And it's rolling on its own?

LINDA:
Well, that's how some canons

worked back then,
I'm pretty sure.

Psst, hey.

Should we move them?

No, they look so sweet.

We can all fit, right?

Yep. Half my body
is probably fine just floating.

(yawning):
Wait, you forgot something.

- Yeah.
- Oh, right.

This is some good pepperoni.

♪ Ah, Pepperoni
roamin' the plains ♪

♪ Yes, sir,
he's one handsome pony ♪

♪ One handsome pony ♪

♪ Looks like
he found some pepperoni ♪

♪ He's super buff
and super humble ♪

♪ The only thing hotter than
his muscles are his morals ♪

♪ He's got hard morals ♪

♪ Go on and look at him
flexing his pectorals ♪

- ♪ Ah, come on, Pepperoni ♪
- ♪ No sliced ham ♪

- ♪ Or baloney ♪
- ♪ Don't want no ham or more baloney ♪

♪ Sure hope he finds
more pepperoni. ♪