All language subtitles for Two Way Stretch (1960) 7.0 IMDB (PETER SELLERS,DAVID LODGE) comedia crimen

7:00. harry's marvelous, isn't he? Always bang on time
- winter or summer.

Look at that. They sent
ordinary milk again.

They know we always have gold
top. Yeah, well, never mind.

Here we are, then.
Milk,

butter, eggs.

Aye, aye.
French bread.

Dodger. Dodger.

Hmm?
Papers, dodger?

Oh. Ta. Ta.

close the window, mate. There's
a bit of a george raft comin' in.

- I'm sorry, dodge.
- One or two eggs, dodge?

Uh, no, thank you, jelly.

I feel a bit empty after that...
trifle you knocked up last night.

- I told him to go easy on the sherry.
- I'm sorry, dodger.

- It didn't look all that rich to me.
- Now, now.

I see the bottom's dropped
right out of colonial cocoa.

When you knock off any money,
never put it on the stock exchange.

- I'll tell you that for nothing.
- Don't you worry. I won't.

You do look a bit seedy
this morning, dodge. Hmm?

What about a nice drop
of brandy in your tea?

That's a very sound idea,
lennie.

That's a very sound idea.

All right?
Yeah. I like it.

Our first request
comes from mrs. Price...

of coblars road,
london, e.2.

That's my mum.
Would you believe it?

Good morning, mrs. Price.
Hope you're listening.

Mrs. Price wants me to play
a record for her son, lennie,

isn't that nice of mum? His pals dodger
and jelly and all his other friends.

They're all working hard in a hush-hush
government establishment in the country.

So to lennie and his friends,
here is his mother's choice-

"don't fence me in."
Oh.

Said it right, didn't she?
"Don't fence me in." yeah.

Very subtle sense of humor.

Hey, dodge,
that's my mom's request.

- Throw it out.
- Can we have it on again?

Do you mind?
I've got a terrible head.

Please, dodger?
No!

Don't argue, lennie.

Who is it?
It's only me.

- Oh, come in, chief. It ain't locked.
- Good morning, chief.

Good morning. I'm sorry to bother you
lads while you're having your breakfast.

- That's all right, chief. Fancy a cuppa?
- Oh, thanks very much.

- Not robbing you, am i?
- No, mate.

What's ours is yours.
You know that.

Mmm, that's good.
You know, i always say...

this is the only place in the whole prison
where you get a really decent cup of tea.

He's got a real three-star one
there, hasn't he, lennie? Yeah.

Anything else we can do
for you, chiefy?

Well, i just wondered
if you'd mind...

popping down
to the rock quarry-

well, a little later.

Do what? No, no, no. Don't get excited.

The governor wants a few nice, knobbly
bits of stone for his rockery. That is all.

Oh. You had me worried
for a minute.

I'll be off.

Here, chief. Do you mind putting
strangeways out on your way down?

Oh, not at all. Come on,
puss, puss, puss. Get him.

Come on, then, puss, puss.
All right. Come on, then.

Oh, uh, by the way,
you'd better get a move on.

Rehabilitation classes are
starting bang on time today.

The old man's got another
of his parties coming around.

That's nice, isn't it?
Who is it this time?

Oh, the ladies' league of
prison reform or something.

Come on, puss. You come
along with me. There you are.

Isn't it marvelous?
We can't wait to get out,

and the buck teeth and bloomers
brigade can't wait to get in.

That's enough of that.

I'm so glad you let me bring the members of my
committee to look over your prison, commander.

It's a pleasure, ma'am.
From what we hear,

if only some of the other prison governors
were as far-seeing and progressive as you are,

our work would
hardly be necessary.

How kind of you
to say so, ma'am.

When society overcrowds these lads three
in a cell, that's not the end of it.

- I'm sure of that.
- Can't leave them to rot. Teach them a trade.

Something honest they can turn
their hands to when they get out.

But isn't there a shortage
if instructors?

Never felt the need of them. I get my
instructors from the prisoners themselves.

Oh, really? Yes, we've got all trades here.

You'd be amazed at how keen
they are to help each other.

- And you find that works?
- Judge for yourselves, ladies. You'll see in a minute.

Come in.

Rehabilitation class
is ready for inspection, sir.

Ah, thank you, lane.

This is lane,
one of my trustees.

- Good morning, lane.
- Good morning, ladies.

There's not much goes on in here that
you're not interested in, is there?

We take things as we
find them. You know, sir?

Well, ladies, shall we
see the gardens first?

Come this way. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you very much.
Thank you.

I've got the leaders' report
for you, sir.

Just put them
on my desk, lane.

Yes, sir.

Come on,
me little darlin'.

Come on, then,
me little darlin'.

Come on.
Here. Governor.

Stand by your plants.

Very popular,
these gardening activities.

We're hoping for great things
at the county show.

Now i'd like to show you
something of mine.

Oh! There's a prize winner,
if ever i saw one!

Oh, i've never seen
one so big.

Yes, i've brought
this on myself.

You must be very proud.

Oh, indeed i am.
Now, then-

look at those lovely blooms. Oh.

Ah, yes. Lane had the seeds
sent in specially from abroad.

What a lovely smell.
What are they?

These are "nicotina snoutus
virginius," lady. What are flowers.

Smells very much
like tobacco to me.

They whiff at night
something lovely, they do.

Mind you, lady, we got so many
niffs around here this joint,

you never know
what you're smelling.

Come and have a niff at the
governor's betty uprichard over here.

There's his second pride
and joy. Oh, lovely!

Hand reared, as they say in
the navy. Lovely, isn't it?

All right, lads.
Now you've got it so far.

Right. Now i'll
explain to you the details-

stand right. The governor's on his rounds.

Come on.
Get a move on it, fellas.

Carry on with what you're doing, lads. Oh!

Here we are. A little
more. Isn't it fascinating?

Aren't they sweet?
Come over here.

Most interesting. Oh!
What is that?

I'm so glad you're having
cultural subjects...

as well as mere
vocational training.

Oh, yes, indeed, madam. Man
cannot live by bread alone.

Though we have our own
bakery, of course.

- How splendid. - An
appreciation of the arts-

hello, darlin'.

And crafts too.
Take pottery, for example.

If you'll just come
this way. Yes, splendid.

Pottery. Well, really. The
governor's going too far.

Certainly.

Harold,
whatever possessed you?

Three buttonholes
in a two-button suit?

Oh, never mind.
I'll cut out another coat.

Do you think we're made of
money here? It's so lovely.

This is the tailoring department. Is it?

If i may be permitted the
liberty, please step in.

Do you like the ensemble,
sir? It's very nice.

- It's my going-home suit.
- Yes, i'd forgotten.

You and your friends are
due out pretty soon now, eh?

I wonder, sir, if i might be permitted
to point out the salient features.

You'll notice here
the hand basting on the lapel.

It's not generally known, but in the
majority of the mass-produced suits,

the basting is all done with soap,
which means if you're caught in the rain,

you'll come out in a lava.

Open up, lennie. No, the
jacket, the jacket. Oh.

A touch of the terry thomas. You
notice how it catches the light?

I wonder if i might detain
you for one second?

I'm working under most
derogatory conditions. Oh, yes.

I did ask for a tailor's outter. They
sent me a welder. He seems very skilled.

It's all very well for the
british motor corporation,

but it's no good for
saville row.

As you can see, we have a very
enthusiastic woodwork section too.

Oh. Cabinet making
as well.

Yes, ma'am.
Yes, of course.

Well, ms. Pringle, that will give you
some idea of how we go about things.

Yes, i'm sure my colleagues
would like to join me...

in congratulating you on
your sterling work, commander.

Thank you, ladies.

One likes to think that one's seed
has not fallen upon stoney ground.

I'm sure it never
does that, commander,

judging by your enormous
vegetable marrow.

Oh, my marrow.
This way, ladies.

Thank you, lane.
That will be all.

Now to the left.

All right, lads.

Now, then, lads,
as i was about to say,

my own personal preference...
is the hinge method.

Takes a little longer, but the
results, they're infallible.

Now, then. You drill three
lovely little holes by your edge.

Get your jelly, bang it in.
Insert your detonators.

I trust you'll pardon
the intrusion,

but did you say this method
was infallible?

Infallible. Then might i inquire
as to what you're doing in here?

How would you like
a punch up the throat?

Ladies gone, sir?
Yes, jenkins.

You're visitor has just arrived.
I've shown him into the office.

Goodness, i didn't realize
the time. Thank you.

Oh, jenkins? Send lane in to
us, will you? Very good, sir.

Sorry to keep you waiting.

Not at all. Admiring your flora. Good.

How do you do? Yes. Mr. Fowler, isn't it?

Let me take these. Thank you. Thank you.

Do sit down. How kind of
you. Thank you very much.

Cigarette? Not for me, thank
you. One of the temptations...

i'm able to resist,
i'm glad to say.

Extraordinary thing. I seem
to be getting through 50 a day.

You don't mind if i do?
Thank you. Of course not.

Now, then.
You say in your letter...

that we have some of your
former parishioners in our care.

Lane and his friends.
I'm afraid so.

Three from one parish. Not a happy
situation for one in my walk of life.

But they're good lads at heart.
Been cooperating splendidly.

I'm glad to hear that anyhow.

Mind you, the background
they come from, governor.

I couldn't begin
to describe it.

Please don't try.
Well, i won't.

But mind you,
there's no excuse.

Oh, certainly not.
Crime is crime.

No, you misunderstand me.
No excuse for you and me.

We've a duty to
these unfortunate people.

It's up to us to extend
a helping hand.

Padre, you're only echoing my own thoughts.

I'd hoped from my heart
that that would be the case.

I've sent for lane. Perhaps
you'd like a few minutes with him.

I'd be glad of it. Most
kind of you, governor.

Come in.

Ah, lane.

Come along, lane.
You know your vicar.

Yeah, i know him, sir.
Yeah.

Don't be shy. Mr. Fowler's
here to help you. Come on.

Merely to proper friendship
and good counsel.

How are you, my son?

I'm not complaining,
vicar.

I want you to listen very
carefully to mr. Fowler's advice.

I can safely leave him
with you, padre. Indeed.

Come along and sit down. Make
yourselves at home. Thank you.

You have my chair, vicar. Thank you.

Lane, sit there. I'll come back in a few
minutes and see how you're getting on.

Many thanks.

You smarmy, rat-faced, conniving,
bleedin' sepulchre! Come, come, come.

Soapy stevens. Up to your old
reverend lark again, i see.

I've a good mind to belt you all
the way from here to wandsworth.

Please, don't let's discuss this
matter in an ill-bred fashion.

Ill-bred fashion? You drop me and the
boys on the pony, you talk about ill-bred?

Keep your thievin' hands off that.
They're my perks. Listen to me.

We listened to you the last time and
got stuck in here for three years...

while you've been outside
living the life of reilly!

Father reilly, please.
Now listen to me, dodger.

I'm onto a racing certainty. Like the
last time, when you had the only alibi?

No, this is different. Can you three
boys get out of here for the night...

and back again
without anybody knowing?

I think you're going
a bit soft in your old age.

What do you think we are,
three houdinis?

Then you'd have the perfect
alibi, wouldn't you? Don't you see?

What have you got cooking away in
the disease-ridden bonce of yours?

Something quite sensational,
my boy.

You crafty old fox.

I don't know.

Might be able
to work out something.

- I thought you'd be interested.
- Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

I'd have to know a lot more
about it first.

Of course you will.
Of course you will.

I'll give you the drill.

So they give you the drill,
do they, lane?

Very healthy.
Good for the lungs.

Governor, you do
look after them well.

Well, we do our best,
padre. How's it going?

I think we made a good start,
wouldn't you say so?

Good. I imagine your vicar's given
you something to think about, eh?

He certainly has. Definitely. Good.

I'm quite sure when you
get out of here,

he'll help you to find
a good, worthwhile job.

I've just been trying
to make that very point.

By the way, i would like
to make another visit soon.

Directly i see how the land
lies with regard to the...

employment,
for want of a better word.

Yes, certainly. I'll say
good-bye now. Thank you.

Lane, get the padre's hat.
See him to the gate.

And my umbrella,
if you'd be so kind.

Was you wearin' gloves,
vicar?

Not this time.

Good-bye.

Where's this lot off to? Governor
wants some stones for his rockery.

Don't overdo it, will you?
No.

Here. Look who's
over there with dodger.

Where?
Over there!

Cor blimey. Shh! What's he doing here?

Hey, s-
you!

What a nice surprise
to see our vicar.

What's he doing here?
Oh, yes. Yeah.

How are you gettin' on, your holiness?
Very well, thank you very much.

Your mother sends
her love to you.

Price and knight, you're looking
very bonny. How do you do?

I've had a long talk to lane
here about your future prospects.

I'll leave it to him
to give you the good news.

I must get along. Mustn't interfere
with the process of the law, must we?

Good-bye,
gentlemen.

What's that all about?
Tell you later.

I'll remember you all
tonight, boys, in my prayers.

We'll be lucky if he remembers
us after the second pint.

I don't go much on it. We had
a basinful of soapy before.

My mum says three years of a
life is enough to give any man.

That's what we done for
soapy. We're not committed.

We'll be out of here in a few weeks.
A bit of information might be useful.

I hope it's
reliable information,

because the last time,
he dropped us right in it.

And i'll tell you
something else too-

good afternoon.
Good afternoon, sir.

Ah, this is the size
and the shape i'm after.

That be enough, sir,
will it?

We're findin' this stone
a bit difficult to work.

It's got all sort of, uh-
bedded in and that.

Really? This will do to go up with. Yeah.

That's it, lads.

Nearly visiting hour anyway.
Your mother's here, price. Lovely.

- Someone to see you too, lane.
- Oh?

You don't seem
very enthusiastic.

People come all this way to visit
you and you simply don't seem to care.

Extraordinary.

Oh, giver over, ethyl.
Titivating.

Gets on my nerves. You've been
lookin' at yourself all the way down.

I don't want
to lose my allure.

Never mind about you'll allure.
That won't get you nowhere.

Be firm. That's what you've gotta remember
with a man like dodger. I had to be firm...

with lennie's pa. No physical
contact with the prisoners.

No passing of written messages, cigarettes
or any other form of contraband. Right?

Yes. Yes.
All right, then.

What's the matter
with you?

Haven't you ever seen
a home-perm kit before?

- Yes, i have. And you can leave it there.
- You're welcome.

This way.

Just a moment.

Don't forget what i told you,
darlin'. Make yourself felt.

But he said no physical
contact. Ah, don't be silly.

Be firm.
I will.

Hello, dodger.
Hello, eth.

Looking forward to coming out? No.

I decided i'd like to stay
here for the rest of my life.

I thought you
didn't like it here.

Now, look, i'm going to
come straight to the point.

I want the banns put up
this sunday without fail...

so we can get tied up
direct when you come out.

Here we go again. Well, the
whole street's talking about it.

I mean to say, five years
now you've been courting me.

And what have i got
to show for it? Nothing.

You've been dead lucky,
haven't you?

Anyway, i gave you
a smashing engagement ring.

Yes, and i can only wear that in
the house with the blinds drawn.

It's not good enough.
Whose fault was it...

we didn't get married
after that mail van job?

Not mine, i'm sure. No! No?

May i remind you that had you got
to the church at the time specified,

you'd have arrived there
before the police did,

thereby avoiding
a nasty fracas with the law.

Language, please! Well! Well?

I can't understand you
at all.

Me and your daddy's always
tried to bring you up right.

But i don't know. The family honor
don't seem to mean nothing to you.

I don't want to think
you like doing time.

Three years you been in here now, and
never once have you even tried to escape.

And don't lean your head
against them walls!

You'll mark yourself for
life! We'll be out anyway soon.

"We'll be out anyway soon."
That's not quite the point.

Look at your daddy's record.

Four times over the wall
at the moore alone.

And aunty emmy's bad leg never prevented
her from shinning down the drainpipe...

at holloway, did it?

I'll try and do better
next time, honest.

Yes, and so you'd better.
I should think so.

Show a bit
of enthusiasm.

Come on, darling.
It's all right.

How old is he now,
my love?

Eight months, dearest. Oh.

But i've been in here
nearly two years.

Oh, yes, fred, but you
sent me some lovely letters.

If that's the way
you want it.

That's the way i want it.
Dodger.

Well, time's up, ducky.
All set?

I suppose so.

Well, um, good-bye, dodger
dear. Good-bye, ethel dear.

Whoops. There it goes
again. It keeps happening.

It's so embarrassing.

Excuse me.

no.

No. Hold it.

Turn the radio
down a bit.

now, then.

Would you like a nightcap,
chief? That's very kind of you.

Well, boys, it looks as if we'll
all be leaving here together.

Oh, yeah? How's that? As you know,
i was due to retire last year,

but they asked me
to stay on for a bit.

Oh, thanks, jelly. It seems they've
got someone to replace me now.

What are you gonna do
with yourself?

Me and the missus have bought a little
tobacco shop down at leigh-on-sea.

- Is it a lock-up? - no,
we'll be living over it. Why?

Nothing. I just wondered.
Good luck to you, chief.

Oh. Thank you, boys.

Yeah. Me and my ethel will be
settling down one of these days.

Oh, yes? You've got a job lined up?

Nothing concrete. We've got a few friends
outside trying to get things organized for us.

That's the idea. You know
what they say, don't you?

Heaven helps those who are
prepared to help themselves.

- Just what our vicar was saying, wasn't it?
- Yeah, it was.

Yeah. Yeah.

Only me.
Hello, padre.

How do you do? Visiting
your boys regularly now?

Oh, yes, of course. Anytime now they'll
be exposed to the old temptations.

Run along and tell lane i'd
like to have a word with him.

There's a good fellow. I'll make
my way to the governor's office.

Good morning, boys.

Good. That'll bring
her color up nicely.

New duty roster, sir. Oh, right.
I'll look it over in my office.

What do you think, jackson?

Coming along nicely, sir.
Mmm.

Three minutes.

- Oh, hello, governor. Good morning.
- Padre.

How are you? Very well,
thank you. How are you?

I didn't realize you were
coming. Perhaps i'm a bit early.

No, that's quite all right. Do
sit down. Thank you very much.

I'm sorry. I thought
you said you didn't smoke.

Did i?
That was during lent.

Ah. I see.

Well, uh,

i guess i'll, um,
leave you to it.

I'll, uh- i'll attend
to my letters later.

Hmm.

Anything you want,
just help yourself out.

I'll be
with my marrow.

Mmm.

He's a ripe berk,
isn't he?

Now, then, anything else
you want to know?

Yeah. I wanna know
if it's gonna work.

You know me.
I know you, all right.

Which brings me to
the all-important question.

How much is it worth? Oh, ho, ho.
I thought you might ask that one.

One doesn't want to sell one's
birthright for a mess of potage, does one?

Oh. It all depends
on how big the mess is.

Well, naturally, estimates vary in these matters
- a fraction one way or the other.

But in round figures, give or
take a shilling here or there-

- quanta costa?
- A couple of million nicker.

- How much?
- You heard.

Two million quid?

One million quid?
That's right.

Yeah, that's right. Yeah. How
could it be worth a million?

Don't you fellas ever read nothing in
the newspapers barring the back page?

I'm referring to his highness
the sultan of cooch bhowani.

Ain't that the bloke
lestor piggott ride's for?

Where'd you read that?
On the back page?

The important thing is
that every now and again,

they bung this old geezer
on the scales and weigh him.

- You mean like they do with the aga khan?
- That's right.

If you fellas had read the
papers, you would've noticed...

that it was this fella's
diamond jubilee next month.

Then all these diamonds in this
van belong to this fella, eh?

Right.
Now, here's what they do.

They shove the sultan
on one end of the scales,

and they shove all his lovely
old diamonds up the other end.

Then they all get together
and start havin' a weigh up.

How comes these diamonds
get in england?

Safekeeping. This sultan's
one of the only mates...

the british government
have got left out there.

He can't trust all these
other nig-nogs,

so he shoves his gear over here
for safekeeping till he wants it.

Yeah, but we just can't go knock off
a load of diamonds just like that.

Do you mind?

Providing we're out of here sharp
by 11:00 on the 28th, we're laughin'.

We don't get out
till the 29th.

So on the 28th, we're all
safely locked up in here.

If you want a better alibi
than that, i don't know.

That's the best, isn't it? Yeah.

All right? All right, then.
Here's the drill. Yeah.

The army are escorting the van. He's got all
of his diamonds in from london to portsmouth.

From portsmouth, a destroyer
takes them all out east.

Between london and portsmouth...
we nick 'em.

- Who's escorting the van?
- The army.

If you think i'm gonna have a punch up
with the army, you can count me out for one.

You ain't half a berk.

There's only a few of the army,
and we ain't fightin' them.

This is marvelous,
isn't it, jelly?

Dodge, when did you
think of all this?

I don't know. While you
were both kipping away there,

i lay awake thinking
and planning.

Of course, we'll have to
cut old soapy in.

- Eh?
- Yeah.

He's handling the outside stuff
until the night.

- Oh, no, not soapy. No.
- That git? What's he ever done for us, except land us in here?

Why was that? 'cause last time, soapy
was the only one who had an alibi.

This time, we've all got the
alibi, and soapy's right in it.

How do you mean? It's
standin' out a mile, isn't it?

If anyone's gonna get legged for
this job, it's bound to be our vicar.

- Let him pray his way out of that one.
- Very good.

Here, just a minute. Look, here's
another thing. How do we get out of here?

You know when old jenkins
comes around for his nightcap?

You slip him a cup
of the old three-star cocoa.

He goes out like a light, and we
ease him under the bed to cool off.

Wait a minute. Look, jenkins
won't be here on the 28th.

That's all right. We'll straighten
out whoever they send down.

Bound to be some real
ripe old charlie.

Come on, you sniveling
lot of layabouts!

Get weaving
with those picks!

You're not sunbathing on the
french riviera, are you, now?

Come on, hit it!
Hit it!

Up, down!

Oh, don't strain yourself,
now, will you?

Come on! What's the
matter with you? Hit it!

Take that smile off your face.
And you.

What's up with you,
shorthouse? Please, sir.

I broke me hammer.
Leaning on it, i suppose.

No, no
- silence when you're talking to me!

Now listen. You go to
the end of the line there,

you'll find a gentleman
who'll give you a new one.

Come here!

Pick that up.

Ask him to give you
another one- only bigger.

Go on! On the double!

Hup! Hup! Hup! Hup! Hup!
Hup! Hup! Hup! Hup! Hup!

Hup! Hup! Hup! Hup! Hup! Hup!
The governor wants to see you.

Right. Right.
He's over there.

All right, you lot,
keep at it!

You wanted to see me, sir?
Good morning, crout.

I have to tell you that
your application...

for the post of chief officer
at huntleigh has been successful.

Congratulations.
Thank you very much, sir.

I'm sure you'll carry on at huntleigh
the good work you've done here.

Oh, yes, sir.
I'll see to that, sir.

Thank you very much, sir.

for he's a jolly
good fellow

and so say all of us

here, chief. Something to get
your mouth around after coffee.

A nice cigar, that.
Oh.

And now, as they say,
time to cut the cake.

Yeah.
Don't forget the wish.

This is all very touching,
lads.

Seems a shame
to spoil this cake.

- One of your mum's, lennie?
- That's right, mr. Jenkins.

What's this?

I'm sorry about that,
mr. Jenkins.

Sheer force of habit,
i suppose.

You see, my mum, she-

don't let it upset you, lennie.
We all know your mum.

Let's pass the cake around,
shall we?

Sit down, chief.

I'd just like to say on behalf
of the lads and myself...

that we wish you
a long and happy retirement.

And, uh, as a token
of our esteem-

lennie, um-

as a token of our esteem, we would like
to present you with this little memento.

We're sorry you're comin' out
before us. Ain't that right, lads?

- Yeah.
- Sure you won't stay till the end of the month?

- Please, mr. Jenkins, eh?
- Yeah, stay on, chief.

I'm afraid i can't,
boys.

I don't know
what to say.

It's things like this that
make me real sorry i'm leaving.

And believe me, this will always be
one of my most treasured possessions.

Well, i'm afraid
i've gotta go.

I've got one or two things to
do before i go. You understand.

Good-bye, dodger.
Cheerio, chiefy.

Jelly.
Good-bye, chief.

We're gonna miss you.
So is strangeways here.

I don't know who's gonna take
him for a walk when you've gone.

Would you mind on your way
down? Oh, yes, of course.

Don't forget your cake,
chief. Oh, thank you.

And your bonnet.
Oh, yeah.

Thank you, boys. Right. Welcome.

Good-bye, chief.
Good luck. Bye-bye.

Bye.

Nice old fellow,
isn't he?

Come in.

Ah, jenkins.

You don't happen to have seen a
gold watch, by any chance, have you?

A gold watch, sir?

Yes, a gold hunter and
chain. I seem to have lost it.

I'm sure it
was here yesterday.

This one, sir?

Yes! That's it.

Where did you find it?

One of the, uh, prisoners found
it, sir, lying around somewhere.

He gave it to me
a few minutes ago.

Did he, really?
Well, there you are.

There's some good in all of them.
That's what i've always said.

He could've just as easily
hung on to it.

Sit down, jenkins.

You know, it's little things like
this that must make you quite sorry...

that you're retiring from
the service, eh, chief?

Yeah. Well, it comes from all of us again.

It appears your replacement
arrives tomorrow.

- A fellow called crout from rockhampton.
- Crout, sir?

Yes. Do you know him?

Oh, yes, sir, i know him.

And tell the lads i wish them
all the very best of luck.

Oi, george. Shop.

You see, that's the trouble
with them people-

hey, dodge, be a mate, will you?
See who it is. I'm brewing up my tea.

Hang on, hang on!

You're in a bit of a hurry to get
- blimey! Sauerkraut!

- What are you doing with these keys, lad?
- I'm a trustee.

Trustee? I wouldn't trust
you with your own grandma.

Where's the officer?

You, come here!

You must be the new chief.
Anything wrong?

What's this prisoner doing
with the keys to the main gate?

That's all right. Mr. Lane's
a trustee. I gave them to him.

Mr. - Mr. Lane?

You take those, stay by the gate
office until i tell you to leave.

I can see this place is due
for a bit of a shakeup.

You, take me
to the governor's office.

At the double.
At the double!

Do yourself up!

Stand out of the way!
Come on, get moving!

Right.
I'll see you lot later.

A son and heir, eh, jones? Yes, sir.

That's splendid. What
are you gonna call him?

Well, sir, with your permission, of
course, me and the wife sort of felt...

if we could take the liberty of naming him after you, governor
- horatio.

Oh, well, that's a very
nice thought, jones.

Thank you. You tell
your wife i'd be honored.

Thank you very much.
Now, all being well,

your wife is due out
of hospital on saturday.

- That's right. Yes, governor.
- And you'd like to be home to welcome her, eh?

I would very much. Yes, sir, please. Yes.

Well, i think we can give you two
days on parole. Thank you very much.

Back here in prison
8:00 sharp monday morning.

- Or they'll be picking you up.
- Yes, sir. Thank you, sir.

Come in. That's all, jones.

Thank you, governor.
Thank you, governor.

Chief officer sidney crout
reporting for duty, sir.

Ah. Welcome to huntleigh,
mr. Crout. Thank you, sir.

Sit down.
Thank you, sir.

Did you have a good journey here? Not bad.

Good. I hope you're
gonna enjoy being with us.

You know, i like to
think of everyone here-

staff and prisoners-
as a sort of family.

It's up to us to see that the
men in our care have plenty to do.

Keep them out of mischief.

Jenkins, your predecessor,

was very successful in helping
me with my rehabilitation courses.

We've organized fretwork
classes, rug making,

book binding, basket weaving, pottery-

uh, excuse me, sir. I hope
you don't mind me saying so,

but those are all indoor
activities, aren't they?

I thought the men
looked a little pale.

It might do them good to get
them outside once in a while.

Outside? Cross-country runs, paper
chases- things like that, eh? Good idea.

Of course, we've got
our gardening class.

But i'm sure that anything else you think
of in that direction would be very welcome.

Don't you worry, sir.
I can think of plenty of things.

Look!
How's that?

Very good. Very good. It's coming back.

Here. Guess who's taking jenkins's
place? Sauerkraut from rockhampton.

Who's he? Hurry up and get
this stuff out of the way.

Where's the cat? He's gone out for a walk.

What about the caper with
soapy? Put the mockers on that.

We might've got in and out with
old jenky, but this bleeder...

will have the place laced up
tighter than a drum.

We'll have to scrap it.
What's the matter with him?

He's just about the most twisted screw
who ever crept down a prison corridor.

Yeah. Here. We'll have to hurry up.

I think he's on his way up.
Come on.

I'll get the carpet up. Come on.
Get this stuff out of the way.

Where should i put it?
Under there. Under there.

Yeah, in there.
In there.

All clear?
All right.

Aye, aye.
Here he comes.

All right.
Line up.

Back out. Oh, yes.

Oh, yes.

Well, now, this is about the
nastiest little collection...

of villaineers i've seen
in one cell for a long time.

Dodger lane,
for a start.

By the way, whatever happened
to that mate of yours?

The one who tried to flog a couple of aircraft carriers
- soapy something or other.

What was it? Soapy stevens. I
don't know nothing about that.

Shut up!
I'm talking!

Here's another one-
mr. Jelly knight.

Another old acquaintance
never to be forgot.

Caught at the old safe-blowing
lark again, i suppose, was you?

Oh, now, here's a nasty, evil,
little face i've not met before.

Who's this? That's lennie the dip.

Pickpocket, are you?
Come here.

I'll soon teach you to keep your
thievin' little hands to yourself.

Get back!

You gentlemen have had it pretty
cushy up to now, haven't you?

Fretwork classes,
basket weaving.

That is not my idea of how to
run a prison, is it, mr. Lane?

No, chief.
No, chief!

Well, from now on,
remember this:

It's my ideas
that count.

Do you understand?

By the way, how long is it since you
lot had a spell in the quarry? Quarry?

The quarry.
Nobody works in the quarry.

It's been closed
for years.

Has it really? Has it? Yeah.

Well, i'm personally
inviting you...

to a grand
reopening ceremony.

That would be nice, wouldn't it?
Monday morning. 6:00!

Hey, what's that cat
doing here?

It's a prison cat, sir.
His name's strangeways.

I've seen some of its strange ways.
Get him cleaned up and out of here.

Get it out of here!

6:00 in the quarry? The
papers don't come till 7:00.

What are we gonna do?
Yeah, what are we gonna do?

Don't panic! Just remember
what the poet said:

"If you can keep your heads when
all about you are doing their nuts,

you're a better man than i
am, gunga din." who said that?

I did. Now belt up.
I'm thinking.

Oh, yeah.

What's this, then?

Not enough rocks
to go around?

Can't find any more, chief.
Nobody's been down here lately. Oh.

Well, we'll have to do something
about that, then, won't we?

- Do you know what this is, mr. Knight?
- Oh, yes, sir. Dynamite.

Dynamite, yes, that's right.
I thought you'd recognize it.

Let me see. Here.
I think one will be sufficient.

Now, i want you to take this.

I want you to stick it in a crack
in the rocks there somewhere.

Should bring down enough to keep
you busy for the rest of the day.

Go on.

There's a ten-second fuse on
that. Won't be much of a bang.

You two, come and stand
around here, behind me.

All right.
Light up, mr. Knight.

But chief- sorry.

I promised the judge i wouldn't
muck about with explosives again.

- I mustn't do it.
- No, he mustn't do it, chief.

He mustn't do it,
chief.

"He musn't do it"?

Have out of it.

What's the matter with you lot,
then? Afraid of a little bang?

Hello.

Where's the governor?
He's-he's in his garden, chief.

Excuse me, sir.

Uh, mr. Crout, i hear
we've reopened the quarry.

Yes, sir. I wish to
report a little accident.

Not only in the quarry,
mr. Crout.

What about this?

Oh. That's a pity.

- As i was saying, sir-
- pity, mr. Crout.

Do you realize that tomorrow is the
day of the huntleigh horticultural show?

Do you know that my marrow
would have caused a sensation?

And through your crass, stupid
idiocy, i shall have to withdrawal?

What the devil do you mean by
it? Sir, we was at the quarry and-

i'm not listening
to any excuses, mr. Crout.

In future, confine yourself
to routine activities.

Excuse me, sir. I'm sor
- that's all!

Yes, sir.

Oh, one moment, mr. Crout. Yes, sir?

I believe this is yours.

Basket weaving tomorrow,
chief?

Basket weaving.

I'll get your baskets weaving,
don't you worry.

I haven't finished
with your lot yet.

Here you are, vicar.
Thank you, my good ma-

you'll find the governor
just over there.

What's that?
Oh. Thank you.

I say, that's crout, isn't it?
What's he doing here?

Just took over for jenkins. Cor blimey.

Lane, what beautiful flowers. You never
told me you were gifted with green fingers.

Governor, i was just remarking on the
sheer beauty of your flower garden.

Thank you, padre. We are
rather proud of them. Yes.

What about your plans for lane and
his friends? Progressing favorably.

I would like to have a word with the
boys, if i might? Yes, by all means.

In the garden, if you like. How
pleasant. It does do you credit.

I'm afraid i've suffered
rather a sad loss.

Oh, i'm sorry.
Yes. My marrow.

I beg your pardon.
My marrow.

Oh. Do you know i watched it
grow since it was that size?

Well, i suppose i'll have to
fall back on my roses.

What happened to his
- crout dropped a rock on it.

Here, i wanna talk to you
in the greenhouse.

You realize we'll have to scrap
the old setup now that crout's here?

What do you mean? We can't do
that. Ethel's got all the griff.

Lennie's mother's learned her stuff
by heart. It's all lined up and ready.

There's no way out
of this place.

- No one ever dig a tunnel?
- Fellow called hackett did once during the war.

- What happened to him?
- God knows.

Don't stand there like an idiot. If you can't
find one, dig one. Don't you call me an idiot.

Aye, aye.
Screw's coming.

Two million quid, dodger.
Two million quid.

Here, lennie?
What?

You go to the pictures
a lot? Not now, i don't.

No, not now,
but when you did,

do you remember seeing a prisoner of
war camp film called the wooden horse?

There was a lot of fellows there
- all escaped from an exercise yard. Yeah.

Dug a hole under
a wooden vaultin' horse.

So what? Who can we trust
in the carpenters' shop?

How's it going, jelly?

- All right, dodger.
- Right.

I'll hit you down the quarry.
6:00 and all's well.

Come on, lennie.
You're slowing down.

It's going down my neck. Look at my hair
- all dirty. Aw, shut up.

Come on, then. How much
longer we gotta do this, dodge?

Not much longer. You'll
get your truss over there.

What do you think this is,
a holiday camp?

- Get that thing out of here.
- Yes, sir.

Oh. Lennie?
What?

Three knocks. Danger signal. Oh, right.

Dodger, stall them while
we fill in, will you?

All right, lads.
Pack it up.

You, you and you, ship that kid's
play thing back where it belongs.

Uh, mr. Crout, sir?
What is it?

Do you require us to move this
wooden vaultin' horse? You heard me.

In other words, you've seen enough
of us doin' our vaultin'? Correct.

Where would you require us to
put it? Back where it came from.

Now get moving!
All right.

I just dug
all this out.

Right. Hup!

Left, right. Left, right. Left, right.

Hold it. Hold it. I can see we're
gonna take all day with this.

Scrub that and put it over
there. You lot, fall in over here.

Come on. Get your hands
out of your pockets.

Get moving.
What's the matter with you?

You're all slow this morning.
Come on!

Come on, come on,
come on, come on.

All right. Spread out. Spread out.
Come on. Get a move on. Come on.

All right. Now we're
really gonna have some p.t.

We're gonna have jumping up and down
on the spot for a couple of hours.

So it's jumping up and down
on the spot. After me.

Begin.

Up, down. Up, down.
Up, down. Up, down.

Get your head up, lane.
Get your head up.

Up! Up!

- Don't just stand there. Help me out.
- Yes, sir.

So we've got a little mole
amongst us, have we?

Lane! Come here!

You wouldn't know anything
about that, i suppose? No, chief.

Come and have a look.

I should think
it's worms, chief.

Worms?

Take that stupid grin off your
face. Give me a box of matches.

Let's see what little worms are
living at the bottom of this hole.

Where do you think
you're going?

I thought you'd finished
with me, chief.

Keep him jumping up and down
till i get back.

Yes, sir. Right, lane. Start jumping.

Up, down! Up, down!
Up! Up!

Up, down! Up, down! Up-

dodger, i never thought
i'd sink this low.

There's one consolation.

You can't
sink no lower.

We won't get out of here on the
28th at the rate we're going.

We'd need a miracle to get us
out of here, i'll tell you that.

Dodger! Danger within.

- Danger within?
- Yeah, that prisoner of war escape film.

Don't you remember?
That fellow had a theory...

that all the drains
led to the outside.

Good idea, isn't it?

It's a very good idea,
jelly.

What's a good idea, eh? Shut
up. He's on to something.

What's up down there.
Shut up. Shut up.

With a million nicker at stake,
it's worth a try, isn't it?

It certainly is worth a
try. What's worth a try?

Lennie,
you're the smallest.

I'm not. I'm as big as dodge.
Look. You're the smallest.

- Get down here and see where them drains lead to.
- I'm not going down there.

You must be potty if you think
you're gonna get me down there.

Lennie. Lennie.
Come here.

Have you forgotten what your mum
said to you last visiting day? What?

About how you never try to break
out like the rest of your relatives?

Have you forgotten that?
Have you forgotten it? No.

Listen, you're doing this
for your mum- for your mum-

and the honor of
the price family, lennie.

Now get down there.

You never know. You might
come up covered in glory.

All right, then.

In you go, then.
Go on.

Where's lennie going?
He's, uh,

trying to find out
which way the drains go.

Come on, then. Push him. Come on.

There are no ghosts
down there.

Here-

- how you doin'?
- It's half dark down here.

I'm goin' around
the corner now.

And then-
i'm slipping!

Oh, dodger!

We should never have let him
do it, not without a paddle.

At least no one can say
we haven't tried. Yeah.

How did we get in here?

I was trying to tell you the
other day. We was in that bank and-

will you kindly give
strangeways some milk?

Strangeways isn't here anymore. Well,
kindly don't give him some, then.

What i mean is, what brought us in
through the gate? A black maria, wasn't it?

Exactly. And that's how
we're gonna get out of here.

Where's my fag papers?

Get wilbur.

Come on, my little darlin'.
Up you come.

We've got a little job
for you, wilbur, my lad.

Now, then,
where are you?

You haven't had many flying
hours lately, have you?

He hasn't been out since we sent him
home to my mum with them gift tokens.

That's right. That was
christmas, wasn't it? Yeah.

A long time ago.
Got him?

Here we are.
Right.

He's getting a bit fat,
isn't he?

Been giving him too many
of them cornflakes of yours.

That goes in there.
Say bye-bye, darlin'.

Farewell, wilbur, son.

Say bye-bye.
Well, wilbur, good luck.

There we go. All right, all
right. Don't panic. Don't panic.

Through there. That's it.
Go on, now. Off you go.

Go on. Go on.
Go on.

Hey, dodge, do you reckon
he'll make it?

Make it?
He'll walk it.

Oh, look who's here.
It's wilbur.

What are you doing here, you naughty boy?

have you got something
for me?

I believe you have.

Just a minute, now.
Mommy open the door.

i say- i say- turn
that damn thing off.

i say, wilbur's brought a message.

- What's that?
- See? What did i tell you?

Good. On time too. Let's have
a look at it. Poor little fella.

His ankles is all swelled. Listen to this.

Dodger thinks
they can make it.

Heavens,
he wants a black maria!

He must be barmy.
He wants his head examined.

Where the hell does he think
we can get one of those?

Wait a minute. I think i
know. It'll cost us a bit.

Do you remember that film company
buyer who got us that post office van?

I thought he was doing
a stretch. No, no, no.

He's out now. I think i can
find him. I'll get cracking.

Phase two ready, sir.

All right. Stand by, chaps. Stand by!

Stand by! Stand by! Stand by!

Come on, chaps!
Stand by!

Stand by!

Stand by!

Right, right, right.

Lock up.
Yes, sir.

Well, sergeant-major, that is stage one
of operation treasure chest completed.

Yes, sir.
Yes.

Close on me.
Close on me.

Come on.
Close on me.

That's the end
of phase two.

You know your positions. Yes, sir.

All right. Ah.

Good evening, superintendent.
Come to see how it should be done?

You know my views. One squad
car and a motorcycle escort,

and we'd have this job done
in half the time.

Ah. Lose half the diamonds
too probably.

Fine old political stink
there'd be about that.

Everything depends upon the safe
delivery of these stones.

You do realize you'll block the
portsmouth road for hours with this lot?

My dear man,
we're not such fools as that.

We have our own special route known
only to my officers and myself.

Ready to move, sir.
Right.

Move.
Yes, sir.

Move!

Move! Move!

Soapy, they're under
starter's orders. Move!

Good. Good.

Start up.

Excuse me, sir. Are you
preparing to use that firearm?

I'm about to signal an order.
We're maintaining radio silence.

You'll wake up half of london
at this rate.

I mustn't detain you. I expect there are
plenty of cars parked where they shouldn't be.

Please stand clear,
will you?

Column
advance!

- Soapy, they're off.
- Well done. See you later.

Never thought we'd ever
use this again, did you?

Common break-in
and exiting.

Right.
All right.

Take that.
Now then.

Right.

Now then. Right. Come on.

What's up with old crout creeping
about? Can't he get his head down?

Hurry up.

Keys? Right.
Yeah.

Come on, mate. Open up. Got
half a dozen here for you.

For us? We're not
expecting anybody.

Well, i got 'em here anyhow.
Six of the best.

Anyway, you're a bit late,
aren't you?

Late? Lucky to get here at all. Had
a hell of a job finding the place.

Nice quiet little place
you have here.

Ah, nothing ever happens here.

Seems to me, you don't want too
much to happen in a place like this.

Anyway,
what have you brought?

Nothing startling for you.
Usual sort of collection.

Three loan-firm secretaries, a couple of
bigamists, and a female impersonator...

to be delivered to hampton jail
by order of the court of sessions.

Delivered where?
Hampton jail.

Oh, you're miles out.
This is huntleigh, not hampton.

No wonder we didn't know you
were coming. Come on. Come on.

Are you sure?
Am i sure?

All right, all right. What's going
on here? Bit of a mix-up here, chief.

These prisoners should have
been delivered to hampton.

What are you doing here, getting us
up at night? Get them over there quick!

I've been driving all day. Can't i leave them
here tonight and pick them up in the morning?

Don't push your luck,
soapy.

Leave 'em here? Do you think this is a
doss-house? Get that load out of here!

All right, chief. As you
say. Get those gates open!

Hang on.

Haven't i seen you
somewhere before?

I dare say you have, chief.
I deliver all over the place.

Oh, dodger, darling,
it's lovely to see you again.

There's a time and a place, you
know. I've had the banns call twice.

I do hope everything
goes all right.

Won't we have
a lovely honeymoon?

Marvelous. You in
holloway, him in dartmouth.

It's a bit more like
it, isn't it? Yeah, mum.

Isn't it smashing?
Yeah.

It's just like the old times when
daddy and me would pull a stunt.

Oh, no. Here.
Mum, don't cry.

Here, mum, blow that, eh?
Come on, blow! Ha! Go on!

Silly boy. Go on! That's better.

How's it going, soapy?

Marvelous. We've got a
good half-hour start on 'em.

Here we are. Come along.
Come along, lennie.

There you are, boy. Down you go. Thank you.

Where do you want a traffic
light, soapy? Ah. Wait a minute.

Excuse me, ma'am.

Hold that, ma'am.
Here we are, dodger.

Just about here.

Right on schedule, chaps.
End of phase three.

Now then, we strike off
this road here...

and follow the route through
these lanes as planned.

We hit portsmouth here.

We maintain radio silence
unless anything vital crops up.

Any questions?
No, sir.

Sounds very straightforward to me,
sir. Right. Stand by to move off.

Stand by to move off,
major.

Stand by! Stand by! Stand by!

Stand by! Stand by! Why
don't you shut up down there?

There's people up here
trying to sleep!

Stand by!
Damn peasants.

Well, don't just sit there, man. Start up!

Keep it about a steady 15 miles an hour.

Well, don't look so miserable,
man. You'll soon be home and dry.

I warned ya!

Advance.

Come on, ma'am. Hurry up with your cable.

Come on, soap.
Get the other one.

Here. Plug it in, dodge.
There.

Get to the other side of the embankment.
You'll find the rest of the gear there.

Right.

All right, ethel, dear.
Take her away.

All right, soapy. Good luck. Thank you.

What's the devil is this? Road up, sir.

Damn council. Always digging up something.

Ah. Here we go.
Forward.

Van and rear end stopped
by traffic light, sir. Eh?

Oh. All right. Well, we'll link up at the
other end of this single-lane traffic nonsense-

the other side
of the bridge.

What's the trouble, officer?

Hey! What's this?
What's going on here?

Help! Help!

Let me out!

What's going on here?
Major!

Help! Help!

Hello? Hello?

Sorry to bother you, sir. It appears
we have a dislocated track rod, sir.

Yeah? Well, hurry and get the damn thing
fixed. And don't let that van out of your sight.

Van, sir? It ought to be
with you by now, sir.

With us?

What do you mean
it ought to be with us?

Back! Back!

Back!

We done it. Worked like a charm, didn't it?

Like a charm. I'll really be
laughing once we're back in the jug.

I'd like to see their faces.
Wouldn't you, eh?

W-what do we do now, sir?

What do you think, ya fool?
Fetch the police!

Dial 9-9-9!

Stand by! Stand by!

You can't keep 'em
in the cell with you?

Who says we're gonna keep
'em in the cell with us?

Dodge, can i
have these for studs?

Ooh. Look what
she wants for studs.

Come on. Hand 'em over. Oh, dodge!

Come on. Hand 'em over. Later.

Here. None of that, girl. Lift up there.

Oh, look at that. That's
stealing, you know. Blimey. Here.

We've got an hour. Keep behind
the hedges and out of sight.

You all set? You know
what to do? Yes. Come on.

Oh, dodger, luv.

Oh, no, eth, no.
Later.

Go sleep in the car. I can't
get my mind into it now.

All right! I suppose i shall have to get
meself a do-it-yourself honeymoon kit!

Always griping, you are. Well!

Well.

I'm so glad you stopped. I don't
seem to be sparking properly.

You don't? I better have a look
at your distributor then. No.

Now then. I do hope it's not my big end.

Yes, blimey,
that ought to do it.

Right.
Try it now.

Oh, that's marvelous.
Thanks very much.

Oh, it's a pleasure.

You can come and empty my dustbin anytime.

Dodger, are you sure that
first stop is our chokey? Hmm?

Yeah, i double-checked. Every tuesday,
thursday, huntleigh prison first call.

Second call? Yeah. I
forgot about fred's caff.

Dodger, how do we know the governor
won't open the safe before 10:00?

There's a bottle of scotch in there.
He never drinks before opening time.

Are you sure? Listen, i've been his
trustee for two years, haven't i?

God bless.

Oh? What are you doing,
having a lie in?

Hop on out of them beds!

This comes as your last
warning. Come on! Out of it!

Now that i'm out, you'll have to call
me mister. I'll have less of your lip.

I know your type. Keep you in a minute
too long and you might register n.p.

Don't you worry. I'm not
dropping any clangers.

Immediately after breakfast, you
will collect your city clothes...

and report
for governor's interview!

"Report for
governor's interview!"

Here.
Give us a piggyback.

Cheerio, chap. I'll give your
love to venice. Here. Dodger.

What? Do us a favor on the outside,
will ya? Go see fred, my mate.

He lives at
7 sebastopol villas.

Give a knock on the door. Some
old bird will come and let you in.

She'll tell you if he's there. If
he's not, go down to the basement.

You'll see a geezer called nick
the bubble. He'll tell you where-

i'm sorry. I've got a load on my
mind. I'll never remember it all.

Somebody else.
Don't worry about it.

I've got it all down
on paper here.

You won't forget, will you?
You think of everything.

Good luck to you. So
long, lads, and good luck.

Here. Dodger.
I'm a tuppence short.

Tuppence short?
Yeah.

He's got 70,000 coming to him and he's
worried about tuppence. Well, i mean-

why don't you take it up with
the governor? Don't be like that.

You take it up with the
governor. No, i'll leave it.

Can you forget about that
for a minute? All right.

Remember all the act? As we
rehearsed? Yeah, i've got it.

No faster, okay?
Right.

Ah. There you are, you see? Come in.

Oh, lads, come on in. Ah.

And there he is. The padre has very
kindly come to see you safely home.

Now, uh, you'll want your railway
warrants, won't you? Let's see now.

Now then.
Let's see here.

Ah, there we are.

Uh, have you got those
books we mentioned, vicar?

Oh, yes, of course! Some books for
your library from my parishioners.

- Oh, dear me.
- Oh. How very kind of them.

Thank you very much. Wouldn't like
to carry this all the way home again.

Perhaps you'd like to pile them down
there, would you? Good idea. Yes, i will.

Thank you.
Thank you.

Oh! Grow bigger marrows, eh?
Haven't seen that one before.

- Ah.
- That's splendid. I think i shall keep that myself.

Well, padre, thank you
very much. It's a pleasure.

Well, lads, you've paid
your debt to society. Yes.

You can now consider yourselves free men.

But before you go-

aah! We're free!

Free! We're free!
Aah!

We're free!
What is the matter?

We're free, dodge! Mum!
Mum, we're free! Yes, i know.

I'm coming home, mum! I'll be home
for christmas and i want turkey!

Would you like to speak to the
governor? We've gone free, dodger!

Yes, we're free. We'll be home for
christmas. Mum, we're coming for christmas!

Mum, get cooking, will ya?
Get that turkey on quick, mum!

All my loving! Hey, dodger, you
can come. You can have a leg.

We're gonna have pudding. And you can
have some turkey. Yeah, lovely, lovely.

Yeah, i'd like that. My mum's a smashing
cook. We're free guys! Marvelous!

You saying "free"
has mentally unhinged him.

Get some water, governor,
would you? Poor lad. Poor lad.

Freedom's a heady wine,
you know, governor.

Where am i? What happened?
Soon you'll be with your mum.

The sooner we get him in
the fresh air, the better.

A good idea. We'll put him in the
front of the bus with the window open.

Uh, don't you think we better go
in your car under circumstances?

Oh, no. The bus is better in
every way, i assure you. Oh, yes.

Well, we better get started, you know. I'm
meeting another welfare group on the 10:15.

I'm come along with you.
Capital idea. Capital.

Yeah, i'll be all right now,
governor. Come on, my boy.

Come on. Can you manage my case, knight?

Yeah, all right, vicar.
Thank you.

Which way?
Over here?

Here. What do you mean
it's better to go by bus?

Don't be silly. There are
roadblocks all over the place.

We'll never get through in my car.
They won't stop the prison bus.

Not with him in it.
Come on.

Yes. Yeah, that's true.
That's true.

Hold it, hold it,
hold it, hold it.

You going to the station? I wanna
pick up the rest of my luggage.

- Sorry, sir. I didn't know you was there.
- It's all right.

If you must, you must.
Thank you, sir.

Drive, driver.

Excuse me, sir. I didn't know you was on
the bus. I was just gonna collect my cases.

That's all right, mr. Crout.
Won't be a minute, sir.

All right.
Ah, there you are, padre.

Thank you very much, governor. Very
nearly forgot my umbrella. Come along.

Well, good-bye, mr. Crout.

You lot, you'll be back, don't you
worry. And heaven help you when you are.

You ought to be careful who
you're talking to, my good man.

You're
a public servant.

I'll have you. I'll
- shut up!

I'm talking.

Well, good-bye, knight.
Good-bye, sir.

Good-bye, price. Don't let
me see you again. Bye, sir.

Don't worry. No fear, sir. Good-bye.

Cheerio, governor. Good-bye, padre.

Good-bye. Thanks again
for all you've done.

Don't mention it. If you'll excuse me,
i'll see if my welfare group have arrived.

Good-bye, boys.

I have an idea
crout had me rumbled.

I'll keep out of the way until the
last moment. See you on the train.

Here, lennie.
Cop one of these.

Soapy stevens.
Soapy stevens!

I understand the governor
is meeting us here...

and transport has been laid on
to take us to the prison.

Gotcha! I thought
i recognized you!

Up to your old larceny,
eh? Good heavens, man!

What is the matter with you? Ha ha!

What on earth do you think
you're doing, officer?

I beg your pardon, sir.

It wasn't me!

Where's soapy stevens? You're hiding
him, aren't you? How dare you, sir!

Where is he?
He's here! I know it!

We're not involved.
I know he's here.

- I saw him come on the station.
- Here! You oughta watch him!

He's always like that
with clerical vicars! Yeah!

My dear, patterson,
what on earth is going on?

Oh, thank goodness you are here,
governor. This-this madman...

suddenly and violently
assaulted me from behind.

What the devil
you mean by, crout?

Sir, one of these men
is an imposter, sir.

His name is soapy stevens. I remember
him at parkhurst. He was a con man.

What are you talking
about? He was a crook, sir!

They're all crooks, that's
what it is. They're all crooks!

My dear patterson,
what can i say?

I'm afraid this man has
shown signs of this before.

Now, kindly go to the bus
and leave me to deal with him.

Certainly, governor.
Come along, gentlemen.

Look at that.

Well, mr. Crout?

I'll collect
my luggage, sir.

I should. And, crout? Yes, sir?

Wouldn't it be better for all of us if you
addressed it back to where it came from?

Cheerio, crouty!

So long, crouty! Arrividerci, crouty!

Right. Pull your hat up!

Bye now! Bye, crout! Yeah!

Porter! Porter!
You, come here!

What's wrong with this part
of the train?

Oh, god.
Blimey.

No sign of him.
No.

Dodger. Soapy's definitely
not on the train. Yeah?

Well, he'll have to catch
the next one, won't he?

Yeah.

Can i see your tickets,
please?

It's the law. They're coming down
the corridor asking questions.

Sit down, act natural. Eh?

They can't have tumbled.
Unless they got soap.

Yeah, but even if they got
old soapy, he'd never squeal.

Nah, of course
he wouldn't.

No. Not old soapy, would he?

No. Soapy's all right,
isn't he? Nah. Not soapy.

Yeah. Soapy's-

here.
Hop on the roof, lennie.

With this train moving? Are you
mad? Hop on the roof, lennie.

We'll why don't you go? Get off,
you! It's always me, isn't it?

I always gotta bloody do it!

Dodge!

You all right?
Yeah.

Come on, then.

Lennie!
What?

Stay up there and relax till
i give you the office. Relax?

Excuse me, gentlemen. May i
ask if you are bound for london?

Yeah. That's right. Yeah, yeah.

"Travel warrant,
huntleigh prison."

10:00 a.m.
This morning.

Well, that certainly
lets them out.

Well, i must say, you've, uh,
you've got the perfect alibi.

Yeah. That's what we got, all right.

Perfect.

- Hup. I got you. -
oi, lennie! - What?

- It's all right to come down now!
- Have they gone?

- Give us the bag down first.
- Hang on then.

It's all yours, dodge!

Jelly!

That wasn't the mail train,
was it, george?

No, it wasn't.

Blimey. What are we gonna do now, dodger?

Change
at clapham junction.

And now the ancient
and sacred ceremony...

of weighing
his sublime highness...

against precious stones
of great worth.

My lord
treasurer.