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For the past few years, Ricky
Gervais, Stephen Merchant, and Karl Pilkington
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have been meeting regularly for a
series of pointless conversations.
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This is one of them.
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Testing.
Is that all right?
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Hello, and welcome to The Ricky
Gervais Show, with me, Ricky Gervais,
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Stephen Merchant...
Hello.
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And a little round-headed buffoon.
That is... Karl Pilkington.
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Right.
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Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com
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I think it probably
best, uh, Rick,
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if we return to the very beginning
of time, the dawn of man.
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Because, of course, uh, even
in primitive prehistoric ages,
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medicine was practiced
in some ways,
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from the, uh, research
people have done...
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Cave paintings and the like.
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Uh, Karl, I wonder if you would just
give us your initial thoughts...
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On, um, you know, the, uh, the
medicine of the ancient world.
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Uh...
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You, you're not...you sound like you're...
If you haven't studied it or...
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Or you're being... You being modest?
Are you being modest?
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Never, never really
thought about it.
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I know that, um, Tutankhamun,
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- he, uh...
- Tutankhamun?
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He, he died of like
a, of a knee injury.
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So, they didn't have that much
medicine knocking about back then.
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Right, where did you get this information from?
It sounds vague.
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It came off a chariot.
They're dangerous things.
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He came off a chariot.
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Honestly, it's...you're gonna
make yourself look daft here,
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because that's what happened.
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Imagine that.
In a room,
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with Karl Pilkington, we make ourselves look daft.
We make ourselves look daft.
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How would we have...
That would be incredible.
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Shall we move on to, um...
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The ancient world in
terms of Egyptians,
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the Greeks, the Romans, of course,
cause they made huge advances.
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Particularly the Romans, who understood,
of course, the importance of sanitation.
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You know, famously, you
know, streets were clean.
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Yeah. Don't you
think that...
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If we hadn't have cleaned
up as much, that...
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I don't know, we'd be stronger.
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What? Uh, well, well
I know what you mean.
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Yeah, they, they say...
They're saying now...
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They say let
your kids eat dirt.
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Yeah of course, well that, that's
exactly what, um, uh, immunization is.
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Giving you
a bit of the disease.
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Yeah but it's gone mental now.
Whenever a baby's born,
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he's drugged out
of his eyeballs.
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It's only about a week old. They're
giving him all sorts of shots.
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Like what?
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Loads of stuff, stuff
for whooping cough.
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Yeah, you don't
want whooping cough.
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Tutankhamun could have died of whopping cough.
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No, but, but they
give it loads of stuff.
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And, uh, now it's like you...
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I don't know, it's
making us weak.
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There's this big thing, you
know, about the super bug...
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Where people took half
the course of antibiotics.
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It was almost like
an immunization,
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to the bacteria and virus
against the antibiotic. Yeah.
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That's, that's what I mean.
So, yeah...
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We need some germs,
as you'd call 'em. But
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there are some that
we have eradicated.
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I mean I think it was,
uh, in our lifetime,
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that they eradicated
smallpox from the world.
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There are rumors, of course...
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Uh, that both Russia
and America still have
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the smallpox virus under lock and key,
which they could theoretically...
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Breed and use in a
chemical warfare situation.
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Well, there was a bit of
a scandal a few years ago.
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I think ten years ago, where...
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In a, a university laboratory,
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someone came across a marked yogurt pot,
in deep freeze, that had smallpox in it.
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When you say it was marked, was
it like someone's put their name on it...
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Cause they don't want someone to,
uh, to eat their smallpox yogurt?
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No, no. No, I,
I think they, they...
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You know, they looked into
it, and it was the deep,
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frozen, um, smallpox virus.
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What I mean is, it's under
lock and key or, or...
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Or frozen, minus... Well,
that's not good enough, is it?
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Why? Under lock and
key and all...
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It's just, it's not good
enough. Get rid of it.
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Why are they keeping a little
tub of smallpox knocking about?
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Well they're not, they're
not meant to be.
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Well, that's a lesson... Yeah, but what
was it doing there in the first place?
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That's, to me, that's
like in James Bond,
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where they don't kill him
when they have the chance.
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There's always that little thing
of, "Oh let's play with danger.
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"Let's keep a bit."
Yeah.
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Well it's probably... Next
to AIDS in the Kia-Ora bottle.
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I don't, I don't understand why you,
why you'd, why you'd store that.
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Well, there's probably
a presumption.
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It's probably an overhang
from the, uh, Cold War.
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Where people were thinking...
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Well, listen, what if Russia's
still got some smallpox?
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We better hang on
to some smallpox.
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It's just clutter,
though, as well, isn't it?
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You say, we're obsessed
with keeping stuff.
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And it's the same with germs, we
can't even say, "Get rid of that."
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We won't be needing
it. Smallpox...
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We'll keep it, just in case.
Get rid of it!
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Don't, we've got this obsession
thing again at saving everything.
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You say that but, of course,
famously, Alexander Fleming
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discovered, uh, what may be the
most important breakthrough...
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Um, of the 20th century, which was the
first antibiotic, I think, in 1928.
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And he discovered that cause he,
uh, left a bit of old bread out...
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For awhile, and it went
all moldy in his kitchen.
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And he thought,
"Oh, what's that?"
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- Oh, let's have a look.
- I know but it's...
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Like I've said to you before, it's, it's down
to him being scruffy, more than anything.
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00:05:01,579 --> 00:05:03,113
Well, no...
It just seems like...
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There's a lot of scruffy
kitchens around.
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But, think if his cleaner
had come in and gone,
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"Oh, Mr. Fleming,
oh, you, oh, you..."
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You disgust me, you fucking
filthy, scruffy cunt.
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I'm gonna throw
this bread away.
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He's gonna go, Um, uh, Maude.
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What did you do with that,
um, old bread I left out?
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It had gone green, sir,
so I chucked it away.
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Oh, Maude, you dopey, fucking slut.
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You've just caused millions
and millions of people to die.
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Keep out of my fucking kitchen!
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I know, but, but
don't put it there.
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It's the same way, smallpox in a yogurt pot...
So you're on Maude's side?
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It's a yogurt, in a yogurt pot.
Wow.
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You're asking for trouble.
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But what if Maude had come
in and thrown that away?
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Again? He couldn't,
he couldn't shout at her.
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She's doing her job. I'd be
annoyed if it was still there.
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Yeah.
Just don't put like...
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Yogurt pots with smallpox in the
fridge for a starter. Yeah, but you...
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Yeah, but you were
saying earlier, um...
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"Oh, let's let babies eat
mud. Don't inject 'em."
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- Yeah, but... - "Let 'em
crawl around a dirty floor.
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"Clean up the floor
and no one would die."
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I did say that. But
we've gone too far now.
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Babies are coming out mad.
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Oh, they can't handle
anything now.
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They're coming out all maddy.
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All maddy? Get ill...
Yeah they get ill easy.
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00:06:11,052 --> 00:06:14,087
They're not tough babies anymore.
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We're ending up with a load of weak
people who need looking after all the time.
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That costs a lot of money.
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And they can't do anything.
They're useless.
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Now that doesn't happen
in, in other nature.
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If a little, weak
bird is born...
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You see Bill Oddie saying,
"That won't last..."
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He says, he says, "That won't
last a week," and he's right.
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You watch and say, "Oh that, that
third baby that came out died."
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And what's your point, Karl?
And he's right.
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That modern medicine, which can help
people live to the age of 75, 80...
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They shouldn't be doing that? They
should let people just die off?
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I just... Well, here's
something, right?
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Go on. The estate
that I grew up on...
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- There's a woman there.
- Yeah.
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00:06:48,487 --> 00:06:50,288
Scruffy Sandra.
Her name is.
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I like her already. Oh, it's great.
It's so descriptive.
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Now... She had no chance, even
if she cleaned up her act.
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Yeah. She'd come
in looking like Pretty Woman.
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You go, "All
right, Scruffy."
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00:07:00,499 --> 00:07:02,200
No... What's the point?
What is the point of...
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00:07:02,235 --> 00:07:03,568
- Oh, fuckin' hell.
- So, so the thing is,
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00:07:03,603 --> 00:07:05,837
she used to always get on these
buses called, "Dial-A-Rides"
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that were sort of
like posh taxis.
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00:07:07,940 --> 00:07:09,975
You could call for one that
come round to your house.
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00:07:10,009 --> 00:07:11,710
Yeah. And it would pick
you up and you'd pay like 50 P.
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00:07:11,744 --> 00:07:13,812
But it would pick up a
bunch of other people as well?
168
00:07:13,847 --> 00:07:15,948
Yeah, yeah on the
way. So it, it...
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00:07:15,982 --> 00:07:17,883
It would take ages to get to where you're going.
And what a nightmare that is.
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00:07:17,918 --> 00:07:19,418
No, oh it's, it's,
it's good, though.
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It's kind of a bit of a day out,
old people used to love it.
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Cause you'd get to see things.
Right. Right.
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And, uh, you'd hear a call coming
in on the radio, that, you know...
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Scruffy Sandra is being picked up
. And you go, "Oh, God."
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00:07:28,028 --> 00:07:30,763
And she'd always have loads of bin
bags with her for some reason.
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Now the thing is...
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Well, she sounds clean.
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She, no, she stunk. Well she's
taking out the bin bags.
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Was she homeless?
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00:07:36,837 --> 00:07:39,104
No, she wasn't homeless. No,
she used to just, uh...
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00:07:39,139 --> 00:07:41,206
She just didn't bath and
that. She just stunk.
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00:07:41,240 --> 00:07:43,108
But the, but the
weird thing is...
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00:07:43,142 --> 00:07:44,709
Why didn't they call
her Stinky Sandra?
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00:07:44,743 --> 00:07:48,146
She never was ill.
Right.
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00:07:48,180 --> 00:07:50,516
- People didn't sit next to her.
- Yeah.
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00:07:50,550 --> 00:07:52,184
- Because she stunk.
- Yeah.
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00:07:52,218 --> 00:07:55,821
Now because of that, anyone who
might have had a bit of flu,
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00:07:55,856 --> 00:07:59,492
or a cold, never sat
next to Scruffy Sandra.
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00:07:59,527 --> 00:08:00,860
Right.
Cause she stunk.
190
00:08:00,895 --> 00:08:03,330
But that was good. That was like
a protection thing for her.
191
00:08:03,365 --> 00:08:06,767
Cause she knew
that because she stunk,
192
00:08:06,802 --> 00:08:08,135
no one wants to
sit next to her.
193
00:08:08,170 --> 00:08:12,639
She wouldn't pick
up the, the germ.
194
00:08:12,673 --> 00:08:14,574
Right. Now,
but this is quite...
195
00:08:14,608 --> 00:08:16,743
Your point is, in order
to fend off illness,
196
00:08:16,777 --> 00:08:19,512
you have to not bathe,
and so you stink?
197
00:08:19,547 --> 00:08:22,415
So you're saying, that it wasn't
that she'd built up an immunity.
198
00:08:22,450 --> 00:08:25,819
It was that she stank so much,
that flu wouldn't come near her.
199
00:08:27,154 --> 00:08:29,255
This is such a
specific example.
200
00:08:29,289 --> 00:08:31,457
It's, it's not applicable
in any other scenario.
201
00:08:31,491 --> 00:08:33,659
There's always colds,
there's always flu.
202
00:08:33,693 --> 00:08:36,228
It's whether your immunity
is, is good or bad.
203
00:08:36,262 --> 00:08:37,996
That's interesting,
isn't it, that, um...
204
00:08:38,031 --> 00:08:40,833
More, sort of, colds are
spread through shaking hands,
205
00:08:40,867 --> 00:08:44,970
than people, you know,
just taking in the air.
206
00:08:45,004 --> 00:08:47,906
That's why some sort of germaphobes
don't even shake hands anymore.
207
00:08:49,009 --> 00:08:50,542
Yeah but that's going too far.
208
00:08:50,576 --> 00:08:52,077
Cause they're gonna
die of something.
209
00:08:52,111 --> 00:08:54,045
You can't be that paranoid. You
gotta get on with your life.
210
00:08:54,080 --> 00:08:55,614
Loneliness.
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00:08:55,648 --> 00:08:57,115
And it's good to feel ill,
because when you feel better,
212
00:08:57,150 --> 00:08:59,451
you appreciate how good you feel.
Doesn't make any sense at all,
213
00:08:59,485 --> 00:09:00,752
"It's good to feel ill."
No, no.
214
00:09:00,787 --> 00:09:02,387
Doesn't make any sense at all.
No, it does afterwards.
215
00:09:02,421 --> 00:09:03,922
The other weekend
when I was ill...
216
00:09:03,957 --> 00:09:06,291
I don't know what was up with
me but I got, I got something.
217
00:09:06,325 --> 00:09:07,759
Symptoms?
Uh...
218
00:09:07,793 --> 00:09:09,260
Went to toilet a lot.
219
00:09:09,295 --> 00:09:10,629
Felt sick at the same time.
220
00:09:10,663 --> 00:09:14,400
Got sweat on, uh, felt
weak, had the shakes.
221
00:09:14,434 --> 00:09:16,001
- Uh...
- Just a bug, yeah.
222
00:09:16,035 --> 00:09:19,404
Lasted, lasted probably
about 24 hours.
223
00:09:19,439 --> 00:09:21,874
After that 24 hours...
224
00:09:21,908 --> 00:09:23,876
You go, "Oh, I
feel good again."
225
00:09:23,910 --> 00:09:25,310
It's nice to feel good again.
226
00:09:25,344 --> 00:09:27,579
And it makes you appreciate
how good you feel.
227
00:09:27,613 --> 00:09:29,948
Now sometimes, I don't
know if I feel well.
228
00:09:29,982 --> 00:09:32,183
Doesn't make any
sense at all, either.
229
00:09:32,218 --> 00:09:34,919
What do you mean, sometimes you
don't know whether you feel well?
230
00:09:34,954 --> 00:09:36,554
Because I, because I have
been in my body for years.
231
00:09:36,589 --> 00:09:38,723
There he goes again.
Don't...yeah.
232
00:09:38,757 --> 00:09:40,591
There he goes again.
The two minds... No.
233
00:09:40,625 --> 00:09:42,659
If there was, if there
was some sort of kit...
234
00:09:42,694 --> 00:09:43,860
That the doctor said,
235
00:09:43,895 --> 00:09:44,961
How are you feeling,
Mr. Pilkington?
236
00:09:44,996 --> 00:09:46,196
And I go, "Oh, I
think feel all right."
237
00:09:46,230 --> 00:09:47,264
And they go,
"Well, do you?"
238
00:09:47,298 --> 00:09:48,565
And, I don't know.
And they go...
239
00:09:48,599 --> 00:09:50,567
Well, step into the
machine. Right?
240
00:09:50,601 --> 00:09:54,204
Get into the machine,
and if he could somehow...
241
00:09:54,239 --> 00:09:59,810
Transfer my feeling, into his body.
242
00:09:59,845 --> 00:10:01,779
So I could feel how he feels.
243
00:10:01,813 --> 00:10:03,514
And then he can
feel how I feel.
244
00:10:03,549 --> 00:10:05,917
And he'll go, "Oh,
you're not well at all."
245
00:10:05,951 --> 00:10:08,186
Your heartbeat's
irregular for a start.
246
00:10:08,221 --> 00:10:09,655
You're a maniac.
This is...
247
00:10:09,689 --> 00:10:11,256
I don't know what's going on here.
No. Because...
248
00:10:11,291 --> 00:10:13,893
Cause you're... Why don't you just
accept that if you feel well,
249
00:10:13,927 --> 00:10:16,229
you know... Cause you don't
know if you feel well.
250
00:10:16,263 --> 00:10:17,664
Hang on, let's get
this machine built.
251
00:10:17,698 --> 00:10:19,065
Sorry, why are people
bothering studying AIDS?
252
00:10:19,100 --> 00:10:20,700
We gotta get this
machine built.
253
00:10:20,735 --> 00:10:23,103
Listen, this machine could do a
lot of good, if they could do it.
254
00:10:23,137 --> 00:10:24,505
Why?
255
00:10:24,539 --> 00:10:26,807
Because some people, you hear
about people who go...
256
00:10:26,841 --> 00:10:28,542
Oh, I think I've
got a bit of wind.
257
00:10:28,576 --> 00:10:30,643
Before you know it, they drop down dead.
258
00:10:30,678 --> 00:10:32,446
Right? Because
they didn't know.
259
00:10:32,480 --> 00:10:34,381
They just... Well,
260
00:10:34,416 --> 00:10:38,452
Didn't, didn't Mr., uh, Mr. Jones have,
have a sweat on, Mrs. Jones, before...
261
00:10:38,486 --> 00:10:40,053
Oh yeah, he did, but he
always had a sweat on.
262
00:10:40,088 --> 00:10:42,589
Well, didn't it bother him? No, he was used to it.
Happened for years.
263
00:10:42,623 --> 00:10:44,157
Why didn't you come in?
264
00:10:44,191 --> 00:10:45,491
So, and what would the machine do again?
He felt all right.
265
00:10:45,525 --> 00:10:48,360
The machine would
make my doctor...
266
00:10:48,394 --> 00:10:49,995
Yeah.
Feel like me.
267
00:10:50,029 --> 00:10:51,530
So Mr. Jones went... Cause
there's too many ill people.
268
00:10:51,564 --> 00:10:53,231
to the doctor, and said,
"Oh, I've got a sweat on."
269
00:10:53,266 --> 00:10:55,133
- Right?
- Right, so he'd go,
270
00:10:55,168 --> 00:10:57,969
Hmm, well I tell you
what, get in the machine.
271
00:10:58,004 --> 00:10:59,972
- So, Mr. Jones gets in the machine.
- Yeah.
272
00:11:00,006 --> 00:11:01,640
The doctor hits the button.
273
00:11:01,674 --> 00:11:03,409
Mr. Jones gets
into the doctor.
274
00:11:03,443 --> 00:11:05,344
- The doctor goes, "You have got
a sweat on." - Right.
275
00:11:05,378 --> 00:11:08,214
I'm familiar with this cause I had a fella
in the other day with a similar thing.
276
00:11:08,248 --> 00:11:10,349
Take three of these.
277
00:11:10,384 --> 00:11:11,985
You are a mental case.
278
00:11:12,019 --> 00:11:13,419
I don't know what that,
I don't know what this is.
279
00:11:13,454 --> 00:11:15,154
Because... But, why
can't the doctor make
280
00:11:15,189 --> 00:11:17,190
that observation like a doctor does?
Yeah, what is this...
281
00:11:17,224 --> 00:11:19,059
Why can't the doctor, using his
knowledge, observe the person...
282
00:11:19,093 --> 00:11:20,994
I'll tell you why... This
is not a scene from Ghost.
283
00:11:21,029 --> 00:11:22,796
This is like
Patrick Swayze...
284
00:11:22,831 --> 00:11:24,365
Listen. When me
nerves were short...
285
00:11:24,399 --> 00:11:26,367
Are they not short already,
have they extended since then?
286
00:11:26,402 --> 00:11:29,070
Well, I just have to do
stretches, and it's pulled 'em.
287
00:11:29,104 --> 00:11:30,872
It's pulled 'em about.
Right.
288
00:11:30,906 --> 00:11:33,807
But when I, when I had that,
I'm not very good with words.
289
00:11:33,841 --> 00:11:36,376
Go on. So when I was
going in saying,
290
00:11:36,411 --> 00:11:39,046
"Doctor, me knee's aching."
291
00:11:39,080 --> 00:11:40,881
Uh, and he'd go,
292
00:11:40,915 --> 00:11:43,717
"What sort of ache is it?"
I don't know.
293
00:11:43,751 --> 00:11:46,320
Yeah. I don't know.
I, it's just an ache.
294
00:11:46,354 --> 00:11:47,988
Toothache. It's like a
toothache, in me leg.
295
00:11:48,022 --> 00:11:49,589
No, but it's different. It's
a different ache. Go on.
296
00:11:49,623 --> 00:11:51,324
Now the thing is... Ass ache.
It's like an ass ache.
297
00:11:51,358 --> 00:11:53,259
It's hard to explain an ache.
298
00:11:53,293 --> 00:11:55,294
So he'd have to feel the ache and then
he could make an assumption from that?
299
00:11:55,328 --> 00:11:56,362
Thank you.
300
00:11:56,396 --> 00:11:57,997
So he would presumably
go through training...
301
00:11:58,031 --> 00:12:00,499
Going in the machine, and then
they'd bring in various sick people.
302
00:12:00,533 --> 00:12:03,202
And he would experience and
feel every single ailment.
303
00:12:03,236 --> 00:12:05,004
- Great.
- Yeah, but over...
304
00:12:05,038 --> 00:12:07,607
Doctor, I'll let you know now what
a swift kick in the bollocks feels like.
305
00:12:07,641 --> 00:12:09,375
Just in case you ever
have to diagnose that.
306
00:12:09,410 --> 00:12:12,713
Oh, you.
Okay, I'll remember that one.
307
00:12:12,747 --> 00:12:14,248
Yeah, but...
308
00:12:14,282 --> 00:12:15,816
Doctor, now you're gonna
feel a spike up the ass.
309
00:12:15,850 --> 00:12:17,251
It's all about...
310
00:12:17,285 --> 00:12:19,454
Okay, I'll remember that one.
Okay. Doctor...
311
00:12:19,488 --> 00:12:22,123
No, couldn't I just wait till the
man comes in with a spike up your arse?
312
00:12:22,158 --> 00:12:24,226
No, no, you've gotta
tell you so you know feel it.
313
00:12:24,260 --> 00:12:26,095
But I reckon
I could assess it
314
00:12:26,129 --> 00:12:27,396
if he's coming with a spike up
his ass, I'd be able to tell.
315
00:12:27,431 --> 00:12:28,964
No, no. You've gotta
experience everything
316
00:12:28,999 --> 00:12:31,033
before someone comes in and
gets into your body like Ghost.
317
00:12:31,068 --> 00:12:32,835
And you'll know what it is.
318
00:12:32,869 --> 00:12:35,104
Hey, listen. Let's not, let's not dismiss
this idea out of hand, of course.
319
00:12:35,138 --> 00:12:37,906
Because you'll famously
remember, uh, Rick, that
320
00:12:37,940 --> 00:12:40,875
Karl had the idea of a man
who can grow backwards.
321
00:12:40,910 --> 00:12:44,712
So, he's born as an old man and
when he dies, he's a young baby.
322
00:12:44,747 --> 00:12:46,481
And with all ideas
come something.
323
00:12:46,515 --> 00:12:48,115
Einstein said that.
324
00:12:48,150 --> 00:12:49,984
He said,"If, if a an idea isn't..."
325
00:12:50,018 --> 00:12:52,053
Go on.
Wait, wait, wait...
326
00:12:52,088 --> 00:12:54,089
Just let him finish it. We've got an
Einstein quote here. What did Einstein say?
327
00:12:54,123 --> 00:12:55,624
Yeah. This is an historic day.
328
00:12:55,658 --> 00:12:57,126
Um, Karl, sorry, what
were you saying?
329
00:12:57,160 --> 00:12:59,462
What did, what did, uh, what
did, uh, Albert Einstein say?
330
00:12:59,496 --> 00:13:01,264
He just said something
along the lines of...
331
00:13:01,299 --> 00:13:03,467
No, no, no.
Give us the quote.
332
00:13:03,501 --> 00:13:05,669
It doesn't matter about how, how he worded it.
No, no, no don't...
333
00:13:05,703 --> 00:13:07,237
It's the point in hand.
Well, I think it is.
334
00:13:07,272 --> 00:13:10,873
I think a quote... I think like
all, I mean any, any sort of, uh...
335
00:13:10,908 --> 00:13:13,476
Poetic content of anything
is exactly how it's...
336
00:13:13,510 --> 00:13:16,412
How it's worded. So just, what,
what did Einstein say exactly?
337
00:13:16,446 --> 00:13:17,980
It's not... Well, he...
What is it?
338
00:13:18,014 --> 00:13:19,514
He said somethingalong the lines of...
339
00:13:19,549 --> 00:13:20,682
Go on.
Uh...
340
00:13:20,716 --> 00:13:22,717
An idea. If anidea isn't daft...
341
00:13:22,751 --> 00:13:24,919
Oh, start again. Start again.
No, come on, let's hear it.
342
00:13:24,954 --> 00:13:26,521
No cause he start...
343
00:13:26,555 --> 00:13:29,523
He said, if an idea isn't daft,
it isn't worth thinking about.
344
00:13:29,558 --> 00:13:31,192
What?
Say that again.
345
00:13:31,226 --> 00:13:34,429
If an idea isn't daft, itisn't worth thinking about.
346
00:13:34,464 --> 00:13:35,964
I can't imagine
him saying, "daft."
347
00:13:35,999 --> 00:13:38,034
No I can't. I can't. No, well, it
was something like that, though.
348
00:13:38,068 --> 00:13:43,073
Meaning that every new idea
seems a bit mental. Mmm.
349
00:13:43,107 --> 00:13:44,307
Yeah.
350
00:13:44,342 --> 00:13:45,575
Right?
It's a good point.
351
00:13:45,610 --> 00:13:47,110
But then it leads to something.
352
00:13:47,145 --> 00:13:49,112
Mmm. I'm not sure that he...
Well, well, no.
353
00:13:49,147 --> 00:13:50,880
But I think if we were
sat with Einstein now.
354
00:13:50,915 --> 00:13:52,782
And you had brought up the machine
that allows doctors to feel,
355
00:13:52,817 --> 00:13:54,917
- I don't think he'd be saying we
should pursue that idea. - No.
356
00:13:54,952 --> 00:13:58,020
There's some ideas that go that, that...
I think the earth might be round.
357
00:13:58,055 --> 00:14:00,289
You go, "Oh, it is flat."
And then there's people...
358
00:14:00,323 --> 00:14:04,592
Who stand in doorways, covered in crucifixes
with, uh, tinfoil on their head...
359
00:14:04,626 --> 00:14:06,727
Saying, "Jesus
is in my cock."
360
00:14:06,762 --> 00:14:08,362
Yeah, but...
Now, he's a mentalist.
361
00:14:08,396 --> 00:14:10,030
Yes, but what I'm saying is...
362
00:14:10,064 --> 00:14:11,799
Wouldn't you have said
it was mental years ago...
363
00:14:11,833 --> 00:14:14,468
When someone said, "I'm gonna make a
machine, so I can look inside your head."
364
00:14:14,502 --> 00:14:18,906
Years on, "Hello, get in the
machine, we've got an MRI scanner."
365
00:14:22,879 --> 00:14:26,715
Um, you may obviously
be aware, Karl,
366
00:14:26,749 --> 00:14:31,253
that the first contraceptive
diaphragms, centuries ago,
367
00:14:31,288 --> 00:14:33,755
were, uh, citrus rinds.
368
00:14:33,790 --> 00:14:37,759
Half on orange rind, for instance,
would be, would be used.
369
00:14:37,794 --> 00:14:40,730
- I mean... - More selfish
men turned 'em inside out.
370
00:14:42,366 --> 00:14:45,268
I believe that's also still being
used in parts of Manchester.
371
00:14:46,470 --> 00:14:47,604
Half of what?
372
00:14:47,638 --> 00:14:50,106
An orange. Just
think of your head.
373
00:14:52,176 --> 00:14:53,509
And it worked?
374
00:14:53,544 --> 00:14:57,446
Well, we don't know,
uh, at this juncture.
375
00:14:57,480 --> 00:15:00,481
I mean maybe, I don't know.
376
00:15:00,516 --> 00:15:02,483
It worked for contraception,
because women went, "Fuck off."
377
00:15:02,518 --> 00:15:06,253
What are you coming to me with a fucking
orange on your cock for, you dopey cunt?
378
00:15:06,287 --> 00:15:08,856
But it could, I mean again,
it's not thinking it of...
379
00:15:08,890 --> 00:15:11,358
We look, we look at
it now, and we laugh.
380
00:15:11,393 --> 00:15:13,060
But look, look at
what's happening.
381
00:15:13,094 --> 00:15:16,397
People now are always trying
to get us to eat more fruit.
382
00:15:17,599 --> 00:15:19,233
- I don't...
- Amazing.
383
00:15:19,268 --> 00:15:20,401
That's, that's a
way of getting...
384
00:15:20,435 --> 00:15:21,702
I thought for a minute
he was gonna say...
385
00:15:21,737 --> 00:15:23,437
I know. Okay, so they
start with it...
386
00:15:23,471 --> 00:15:25,105
Then they went from that, the
orange rind to say a coconut shell.
387
00:15:25,140 --> 00:15:26,774
Yeah... That was too
big, that didn't work.
388
00:15:26,808 --> 00:15:29,110
Run! Here's comes
Coconut John.
389
00:15:29,144 --> 00:15:31,479
No, don't put half a pineapple
on your cock, that's insane.
390
00:15:31,513 --> 00:15:33,414
Yeah, no, it's mental. And
then somewhere down the line,
391
00:15:33,449 --> 00:15:35,049
they finally got to contraception,
as we understand it.
392
00:15:35,084 --> 00:15:36,818
Is that... I thought that
was where you going, but no.
393
00:15:36,852 --> 00:15:38,686
No, no. It's something about
eating oranges is healthy for you.
394
00:15:38,721 --> 00:15:42,690
No, what I'm saying is, if you go
into any well-known supermarket.
395
00:15:42,725 --> 00:15:46,561
And you look at say some
young kid who's had a kid...
396
00:15:46,595 --> 00:15:48,796
And you look at stuff in
their shopping basket...
397
00:15:48,831 --> 00:15:50,298
Yeah. They're
not buying fruit.
398
00:15:50,332 --> 00:15:53,201
They're buying, you know,
burgers and chips.
399
00:15:53,236 --> 00:15:55,137
Turkey
Twizzlers, crisps.
400
00:15:55,171 --> 00:15:57,940
Yeah. Crisps and all that. Now,
but they love having it away.
401
00:15:59,509 --> 00:16:01,910
Get some
fruit in.
402
00:16:01,945 --> 00:16:03,979
So, they definitely
have fruit in the house.
403
00:16:04,013 --> 00:16:06,448
Which at the moment, a lot of kids
don't have fruit in their house.
404
00:16:06,482 --> 00:16:07,983
That's why they're
eating Turkey Twizzlers.
405
00:16:08,017 --> 00:16:10,585
But, the mom loves
having it her way,
406
00:16:10,619 --> 00:16:12,053
so she would have
loads of fruit in.
407
00:16:12,087 --> 00:16:13,688
So if she was...
So everyone's happy.
408
00:16:13,722 --> 00:16:15,724
If she's using an orange for contraception...
The kids are eating fruit.
409
00:16:15,758 --> 00:16:17,359
she would, she would also
be giving the kids half.
410
00:16:17,393 --> 00:16:18,894
Well, you wouldn't waste it.
411
00:16:18,928 --> 00:16:20,428
So half the orange
she'd give to the kids,
412
00:16:20,462 --> 00:16:21,863
and half the orange,
she'd stick up her fanny.
413
00:16:21,897 --> 00:16:23,531
Yeah, a treat for everyone.
414
00:16:23,565 --> 00:16:26,233
Have a bit of fruit, and
she's got what she wants.
415
00:16:26,267 --> 00:16:28,335
Whereas at the
moment, what happens?
416
00:16:28,369 --> 00:16:30,871
A burger is not gonna
be helpful for anyone.
417
00:16:35,678 --> 00:16:39,448
If you want me tonight, pop
a sesame seed bun on your cock.
418
00:16:41,485 --> 00:16:43,720
Take out the fucking pickle. No one
likes a fucking pickle up the fanny.
419
00:16:43,754 --> 00:16:46,156
Oh, he's a bloody romantic.
420
00:16:46,191 --> 00:16:49,827
Oh he, oh he popped a plum roll
sausage up my fanny yesterday.
421
00:16:49,862 --> 00:16:51,428
He loves me...
422
00:16:54,533 --> 00:16:57,936
Modern man, in a sense, with all the
technology we have, can play God.
423
00:16:57,970 --> 00:16:59,437
And this is something
which is huge now.
424
00:16:59,472 --> 00:17:01,806
A lot of ethical discussions about
things like stem-cell research.
425
00:17:01,840 --> 00:17:03,408
Should we be interfering? No.
426
00:17:03,442 --> 00:17:05,243
In what should be
a Godly terrain?
427
00:17:05,277 --> 00:17:07,846
You say, "No," straightaway.
Straightaway, "No."
428
00:17:07,880 --> 00:17:11,550
I think, uh, it's sort of
like messing about now.
429
00:17:11,585 --> 00:17:13,820
I think that's the problem.
430
00:17:13,854 --> 00:17:16,422
We've got the tools, and they like to use them.
And that's what happens.
431
00:17:16,457 --> 00:17:19,593
I've got a sander,
uh, for Christmas.
432
00:17:19,627 --> 00:17:21,829
And I can't wait to sand stuff.
433
00:17:21,863 --> 00:17:25,066
I can't even think of enough things that
need sanding, but I want to use it.
434
00:17:25,100 --> 00:17:26,267
Not Scruffy Sander.
435
00:17:26,302 --> 00:17:28,336
And that's the
problem isn't it?
436
00:17:28,371 --> 00:17:30,305
If you've got the tools, you can't have
the tools and say, "Pop 'em in the shed."
437
00:17:30,339 --> 00:17:32,306
No, I want to use 'em.
A new tool, here.
438
00:17:32,341 --> 00:17:33,941
They sat in the shed, though.
All right.
439
00:17:33,976 --> 00:17:35,610
That's the problem isn't
it? All these, all these...
440
00:17:35,644 --> 00:17:38,212
- You know, medical people, um...
- Hmm.
441
00:17:38,247 --> 00:17:40,515
That's what happened in The
Hulk, isn't it
442
00:17:42,451 --> 00:17:45,988
Yeah. Well again, that's, I'll just
say that is a work of fiction, The Hulk.
443
00:17:46,022 --> 00:17:48,491
Yeah, but with all fiction...
Comes...
444
00:17:48,525 --> 00:17:50,727
The future.
445
00:17:52,296 --> 00:17:55,498
Yeah, certainly in
science fiction.
446
00:17:55,533 --> 00:17:57,334
But the problem is, this is
what I say is the problem.
447
00:17:57,368 --> 00:17:59,770
Go on. Go on though. This is a...
Is there a quote from someone?
448
00:17:59,804 --> 00:18:01,705
Well, yeah. Let's sum it
up then. Karl, shoot me.
449
00:18:01,740 --> 00:18:03,274
People are living too long.
450
00:18:05,444 --> 00:18:07,979
Is that it? That's not a summary yet.
Have one more go.
451
00:18:08,013 --> 00:18:10,081
This is, this is the real one.
452
00:18:10,115 --> 00:18:14,118
- Uh, it'll be something like...
- Mmm.
453
00:18:14,152 --> 00:18:16,753
Today's cure is
tomorrow's headache.
454
00:18:18,088 --> 00:18:19,422
Is that all right?
That's all right.
455
00:18:19,456 --> 00:18:21,190
'Cause what I'm
saying there is...
456
00:18:21,224 --> 00:18:23,726
Go on. We can come
up with, with stuff.
457
00:18:23,760 --> 00:18:25,493
Mmm.
458
00:18:25,528 --> 00:18:27,596
We can come up with a tablet
to get rid of headache. Mmm.
459
00:18:27,630 --> 00:18:31,032
Tomorrow, your headache's gone.
Your legs are hurting.
460
00:18:31,067 --> 00:18:34,136
So today's cure is
actually tomorrow's leg ache.
461
00:18:34,170 --> 00:18:36,238
So today's cure is
tomorrow's leg ache.
462
00:18:36,273 --> 00:18:39,242
Yeah. But ages ago I said to you,
don't solve problems. Go on.
463
00:18:39,276 --> 00:18:40,676
Yeah.
464
00:18:40,711 --> 00:18:46,682
Because a problem solved
is a problem caused.
465
00:18:46,717 --> 00:18:50,586
I'm gonna
die. I'm gonna die!
466
00:18:50,620 --> 00:18:52,788
I don't remember that quote.
467
00:18:57,394 --> 00:19:00,930
Medicine is the art
or science of healing.
468
00:19:00,965 --> 00:19:06,069
And that doesn't always have
to be um, a drug or a surgery.
469
00:19:06,103 --> 00:19:08,237
We mustn't just
forget that, um...
470
00:19:08,271 --> 00:19:11,340
Some people don't need
medicine. They just need help.
471
00:19:11,374 --> 00:19:14,944
Um, for example, there are people
that help disabled people...
472
00:19:14,978 --> 00:19:17,080
Um, have intercourse.
473
00:19:17,114 --> 00:19:19,148
There's someone that
actually helps the man
474
00:19:19,182 --> 00:19:20,616
put in his penis...
475
00:19:20,651 --> 00:19:24,121
Um, to the uh, the woman's, um,
vagina, and they leave the room.
476
00:19:24,155 --> 00:19:26,790
No, no. I've never seen.
I've never even heard of this.
477
00:19:26,857 --> 00:19:29,393
It's true. Absolutely true.
There are helpers. Steve?
478
00:19:29,427 --> 00:19:32,529
Yeah, I know I believe
that is the case. Yeah.
479
00:19:32,564 --> 00:19:36,901
And that's just, no, just as needed as
anything that might cure their health.
480
00:19:36,935 --> 00:19:38,302
But it's not, it's not.
That's pleasure.
481
00:19:38,337 --> 00:19:39,771
Yeah. So what
are you saying?
482
00:19:39,805 --> 00:19:42,274
Because you can't
walk or, or move...
483
00:19:42,308 --> 00:19:45,478
That you can't love someone and want
to, to share that love and consummate?
484
00:19:45,512 --> 00:19:46,946
I'm just saying
it's not a priority.
485
00:19:46,980 --> 00:19:49,215
Well no, but
they, they're gonna live.
486
00:19:49,250 --> 00:19:52,719
They're, they're healthy
apart from their disability.
487
00:19:52,753 --> 00:19:53,987
I've met someone.
488
00:19:54,021 --> 00:19:57,491
They want to, you know,
consummate this, this love.
489
00:19:57,525 --> 00:20:00,060
And someone is, um, helps
them out and goes, well...
490
00:20:00,094 --> 00:20:01,694
You know, that's
part of my job.
491
00:20:01,729 --> 00:20:03,196
No it's not part of the job.
492
00:20:03,230 --> 00:20:04,898
But it, it is part of the job. 'Cause
no one would take this job on.
493
00:20:04,932 --> 00:20:06,666
Because that's their job. I
have never heard anyone say...
494
00:20:06,701 --> 00:20:08,568
Oh, I've had a right day today.
495
00:20:08,603 --> 00:20:10,804
Why? I've been playing with
Arthur's, uh, tackle all day.
496
00:20:10,838 --> 00:20:12,572
They don't play with Arthur's tackle.
I've never...
497
00:20:12,607 --> 00:20:14,574
They pop Arthur's
tackle in Hilda's vagina.
498
00:20:14,609 --> 00:20:16,142
I don't think they do.
499
00:20:16,177 --> 00:20:17,811
They do. How can
they enjoy that?
500
00:20:17,845 --> 00:20:19,646
I mean maybe once. They're
not doing it to enjoy it.
501
00:20:19,680 --> 00:20:22,582
Maybe once and they'd go, "That didn't work did it?
I didn't enjoy that Hilda."
502
00:20:22,617 --> 00:20:24,184
No. How can they
enjoy it with a nurse...
503
00:20:24,218 --> 00:20:26,052
But don't, she'd...no. ...stuck
there having to do that?
504
00:20:26,087 --> 00:20:30,023
They help her in. She helps Arthur
in, or he, might be a male nurse.
505
00:20:30,057 --> 00:20:34,327
Pops Arthur in. Goes, "Okay, Arthur,
um, I'll see you in a few minutes."
506
00:20:34,361 --> 00:20:35,762
Right, goes outside.
507
00:20:35,796 --> 00:20:37,931
But what's the point
though in that?
508
00:20:37,965 --> 00:20:39,366
Why?
509
00:20:39,400 --> 00:20:41,468
Because it's all about
the mood and everything.
510
00:20:41,502 --> 00:20:44,438
He's just stuck onto her like, like
a stag beetle coming onto a leaf.
511
00:20:44,472 --> 00:20:46,740
There's
no enjoyment in that.
512
00:20:46,774 --> 00:20:49,275
Oh, the well-known, uh, stag beetle
copulating with a leaf syndrome.
513
00:20:49,310 --> 00:20:52,513
- No, but I'm just saying... - That's
a well-known position in the Kama Sutra.
514
00:20:52,547 --> 00:20:53,847
I'm just saying...
No he knows that you know.
515
00:20:53,882 --> 00:20:56,316
He... So I
think it's a lovely act.
516
00:20:56,350 --> 00:20:59,019
And someone's willing to... Wouldn't
you help someone in? Definitely not.
517
00:20:59,053 --> 00:21:00,287
No? What so...
Definitely not.
518
00:21:00,322 --> 00:21:03,156
No, no, say the guy goes,
"Oh, this is my wife."
519
00:21:03,191 --> 00:21:07,028
Um, we're both so, I can't... I can't,
you know, can you just pop me in, Karl?
520
00:21:07,062 --> 00:21:10,998
Um, you're the only, you know,
you're the only person around.
521
00:21:11,033 --> 00:21:13,100
No, I don't think it's important enough.
But there are people...
522
00:21:13,135 --> 00:21:14,802
What do you mean you don't
think it's important enough?
523
00:21:14,837 --> 00:21:17,871
I'd be happy to go around, put the
washing on for them, make the bed.
524
00:21:17,906 --> 00:21:19,206
Do you want a cup of tea?
525
00:21:19,240 --> 00:21:20,641
Yeah I'd love one.
There you go.
526
00:21:20,675 --> 00:21:23,010
Oh, just before you go...
Forget it.
527
00:21:23,045 --> 00:21:25,679
If they asked me to do
that, I would, I'd quit.
528
00:21:25,714 --> 00:21:27,414
And I think, I don't
think it happens...
529
00:21:27,449 --> 00:21:29,116
Because people wouldn't take it on for a job.
It does happen.
530
00:21:29,150 --> 00:21:30,851
You never hear about it. On
Comic Relief... It does.
531
00:21:30,885 --> 00:21:32,286
when they're raising
money, they don't go,
532
00:21:32,320 --> 00:21:33,887
"Thanks to Midland Bank
for this $100,000."
533
00:21:33,921 --> 00:21:35,688
That's gonna go towards
Arthur getting his end away.
534
00:21:35,723 --> 00:21:38,257
That's ridiculous.
So you'd, you would...
535
00:21:38,291 --> 00:21:43,027
Rather them not have the pleasure of
each other, than just help 'em in?
536
00:21:43,062 --> 00:21:44,896
No 'cause it would...
537
00:21:44,930 --> 00:21:46,764
They'd work out some way that they
could do something for each other.
538
00:21:46,798 --> 00:21:48,432
I want to play the guitar.
539
00:21:48,467 --> 00:21:49,667
Me fingers aren't long enough.
540
00:21:49,701 --> 00:21:51,135
I've knocked it on the head.
541
00:21:51,170 --> 00:21:52,704
It's the same thing.
542
00:21:52,738 --> 00:21:54,272
If you can't do
it, don't do it.
543
00:21:54,306 --> 00:21:56,874
So, you're telling
me, right, okay, um...
544
00:21:56,909 --> 00:22:00,545
If the, supposing there's a little
fellow, he's got no arms, no legs,
545
00:22:00,579 --> 00:22:02,213
- right?
- Right.
546
00:22:02,248 --> 00:22:04,750
Little Bob.
Okay, there he is.
547
00:22:04,784 --> 00:22:06,852
All right, Karl.
All right.
548
00:22:06,886 --> 00:22:11,457
Um, he's got a friend, another little
fella with no arms and no legs.
549
00:22:11,492 --> 00:22:13,092
All right, Karl.
550
00:22:13,127 --> 00:22:16,363
Right, they love each other. Two
little, two little fellows.
551
00:22:16,397 --> 00:22:18,965
Two little dwarves with no arms
and no legs, okay?
552
00:22:18,999 --> 00:22:22,602
Lovely little fellows.
They get married, okay?
553
00:22:22,636 --> 00:22:25,805
Karl,
you can't, you can't put my, uh...
554
00:22:25,840 --> 00:22:28,474
My penis up my, um, my
boyfriend's bottom, can you?
555
00:22:28,509 --> 00:22:29,942
No, I can't, no.
556
00:22:29,977 --> 00:22:31,444
Oh, why not? Why not, Karl? Do
you need anything else doing?
557
00:22:31,479 --> 00:22:33,246
Uh, no, I'm fine.
I'm fine...
558
00:22:33,280 --> 00:22:34,981
No, it's weird how you
can manage everything else.
559
00:22:35,016 --> 00:22:37,050
Well, no. I mean, it's well,
everything else seems to be sorted.
560
00:22:37,084 --> 00:22:39,285
Well, just the chair. Why do you
need help in this department?
561
00:22:39,319 --> 00:22:40,987
Well, because he's over
there, and I'm here.
562
00:22:41,021 --> 00:22:42,789
And I just, if you just pop
me in and just leave it there.
563
00:22:42,823 --> 00:22:44,057
No, I'm not doing that.
It's not good for you.
564
00:22:44,091 --> 00:22:45,692
You've lost your arms and legs.
565
00:22:45,726 --> 00:22:48,027
You'll be losing that soon if you
carry on sticking it up there.
566
00:22:53,359 --> 00:23:01,359
Sync & corrections by honeybunny
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567
00:23:01,409 --> 00:23:05,959
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