All language subtitles for Spun Out s01e02 Parental Indiscretion.eng

Well, you've had a busy
morning. Hijack a Goodwill truck?

Even better.

I bought the entire contents of
a storage locker at an auction.

Sure. Why pay your share of the rent

when you can basically
just burn the money instead?

I went down because I find

fast talking men very sexy.
You know, DJs, car salesmen,

the guy that tells you
the side effects of Viagra.

Then I start flirting, and next thing
you know I hear, "Sold, for 500 dollars"

to the woman who doesn't
know she's bidding right now."

Hard to believe you don't
have a business degree.

I do not need a business degree.

Can't you see? I have boxes! And besides,

once I sell this, I'll be
able to triple my money.

I'll take that action. You have
two days to triple your money.

Loser cleans the apartment for a month.

Well, dust off your French
maid's costume, Fifi,

because this stuff could've
belonged to Marilyn Monroe.

She's not from the area, but why not?

The point is, you cannot
put a price on a gold mine.

Uh, yes, you can.

You multiply the amount of gold in the
mine by the current market value of gold.

(sighing) Look at this watch.
This looks very valuable.

I wouldn't know. It was a
graduation gift from my grandfather.

Well, it looks valuable,
so I'm going to keep it.

All right, well, I'm gonna
keep this plastic swan,

freaky doll,

and horsey on a stick.

I've thought about it. I think
I'm gonna give you the watch back.

Nay...

- (phone ringing)
- Bryce McBradden.

Oh, my God. That was security.

The hyena is in the house, people!

- The hyena is in the house!
- We haven't had a hyena in the house in like,

- 18 months.
- The key is to stay absolutely still.

Its vision is based on movement.

Oh my God, where's Beckett?
He doesn't know the protocol.

This is the same way we lost Billy.

I can still hear his screams. Ahh!

Ah! S-s-so cold...

I flirted with her, Nelson... who is she?

Look at you trembling like wounded animals.

Nice to see I haven't lost my touch.

What is she?

Mom!

I flirted with her mom, Nelson!

Stephanie, baby!

I was so young when I had you.

Why do you always have
to say that loud enough

- for everybody to hear?
- You think they did?

- Yeah.
- Yes, ma'am!

- How's my monkey?
- What are you doing here?

I have a meeting with your father
about promoting a charity event.

You and Dad in the same
room? Without any attorneys?

Has that ever happened? Because
there are lawyers in my baby pictures.

Oh, monkey, don't worry. We
promise to be on our best behavior.

Which, in your mother's
case, means not devouring

the souls of the innocent.

Hello, succubus.

I'm sorry, Claudia.

David! Oh, you're still working
on your high school beard.

Well, you're looking youthful.
How much is that costing me?

About half your monthly bar bill.

Well, looks like you
could use the other half.

Look at you making big boy
jokes. Must be the lifts.

They restore the inches
you crushed from my spine.

If I'm not out in an hour,

send in an exorcist.

- synced and corrected by chamallow -
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Beckett, feel my hands.

Ah!

- They're wet!
- Exactly.

No paper towels in the men's room again.

Next time, just use your words.

Why is our bathroom worse
than a gas station's?

That is a noggin scratcher.

Well, I'm off to do my filing.

Did you notice that Bryce

has been doing a lot of
filing lately, with no files?

That little creep is up to something.

Yeah. You get him!

Whoa, what's up with the carb loading?

Looks like a snake eating a donkey.

My mom and dad bring out
my inner chubby child.

I can't believe those two are your parents.

How are you not a serial killer?

I know!

When I was 10 my parents put
me in karate. They said it was

to lose some of the baby fat,
but mostly, it was so I could

tear them apart before
they tore each other apart.

Shut up!

(squawking)

You're really giving that
much money to my charity?

Yes. It's a worthy cause.

Why don't we grab some lunch
and go over the details?

Sounds great.

You know, that goatee is growing on me.

- Very Brad Pitt rugged.
- Oh...

I was going for George Clooney
rakish, but I can settle for Pitt.

Oh, God. It's worse than I thought.

What are you talking about?
They're getting along famously.

Exactly. The only thing worse

than my parents fighting,
is my parents not fighting.

You know there's only two
ways that people can interact.

When they get along, they get so obsessed

with each other that I become invisible.

I become fat and invisible.

Neither of them had any time
for me until they got divorced.

- That's rough, Steph.
- (screeching)

- What the hell?!
- I'm sorry. It's instinct.

Ah... The Halls of Asgard.

Well, well, well.

If it isn't the Earl of Tinkleberry.

Nelson!

Whoa! What do we have here?

I knew you were up to something.

Soaker tub, a shower...

Is that a Japanese heated-massage
toilet with dual-action water jets?

- What is this place?
- This...

is my Garden of Peeden.

My Xanadu-doo.

It was built by a music
producer, then all but forgotten.

Until I did what anyone else would have:

I squatted in it.

So... I'm gonna need the pass code.

Absolutely not!

This is my pleasure dome. I
misappropriated it fair and square!

Come on, I won't tell anyone.

- And if I don't?
- I'll tell everyone.

Ah, trust built on mutual distrust.

Game, set, match, Nelson.

(chuckling) Wow, we haven't
had a lunch like this

since you got drunk and stabbed
yourself in the thigh with a fork.

I'm pretty sure it was you
that stabbed me with a fork.

Me, you, whatever. The
point is, it was hysterical.

- You okay?
- Sure, why?

Because you eating that burger is like
watching one of those birthing videos backwards.

If your parents were reuniting
you wouldn't chew either.

Stephanie, they're just having a
meeting. It's strictly business.

(giggling)

This is bad, this is so bad.

Oh man, this is good.

All right, look. Obviously
you're having a difficult time

with your parents' happiness.
You're an adult. They're adults.

Find some place you can
have an adult conversation.

Like right here. It's
"French Bistro Night."

"Authentic French food,
authentic French service."

Hey, how authentic is
this French Bistro night?

Stinkier cheese, 3 times the
price and I'm much ruder to you.

See? It's perfect.

Bring your parents here. And remember,

be a grown-up.

I'm always a grown-up.

Ba...

- Gordon, where's my bam?
- Huh?

When I say "Ba," you say
"Bam". Where's my "Bam?"

- That's our thing.
- We have a thing?

I love your tie, G-force.

- Where did you get it?
- Yesterday at my neighbourhood clothing swap.

I got it for a top hat

and a poncho. Ha!

Japanese silk, Italian print...

I have the perfect shirt
for it. What do you say

you give it to me?

I don't know.

I've grown pretty attached to it.

I think I have something

that will change your mind.

It better be pretty good.

- Ba...
- Bam.

Wow! Scotch and cigars...

I'm one step closer to my dream
of living with Danny DeVito.

I am a fat cat now, Beckett,

and this Scotch is almost
making your sarcasm tolerable.

You didn't sell my watch, did you?

I haven't yet. I still might.

But I'm about to turn you
into my cleaning wench.

- Ah! What in the holy hell is that?
- Right? Would it surprise you

to know that what's inside
this suitcase is worth $20,000?

- It is?
- I don't know, but would it surprise you?

Because I want to move
into a bouncy castle.

- You know those aren't for living in.
- I'm sorry, what did you say?

No, no, no! They're for living
in, they're for living in!

You know, I'm really impressed you're
so dedicated to saving the rainforest.

How did you choose this cause?

Why does anyone do anything like this?

To appear charitable,
and for the tax credit.

Hey, you and me together
again. Feels right, doesn't it?

It does.

Mom, Dad, sorry I'm late.

Stephanie, what are you doing here?

- I invited you out to dinner.
- No, you said you wanted to buy us dinner.

Well, I thought me attending was implied.

- Here we go.
- Oh...

Excuse me, is there an extra place setting?

Oh, for a table that's obviously
not meant for three. Sure.

So French. This is nice, isn't it?

The three of us. Mom, Dad, daughter...

Who I had at a very, very young age.

Yeah, we should do more stuff
like this, just the three of us.

- Remember that trip we took to Niagara Falls?
- Oh, that was such a great trip.

- That was not such a great trip.
- It was.

You looked so beautiful
on the Maid of the Mist.

- Remember the Ferris wheel?
- Yeah, we joined the 200 feet high club.

- What?
- Twice.

I think my underwear
might still be up there.

- We should go check.
- Ew, ew! Do you remember that you had a child?

Oh no, you didn't,
because you two lovebirds

were having way too much fun you lost
track of time and left me in a fudge shop.

Oh, come on! You were like
a kid in a candy store.

For seven hours.

You enjoyed eating your way
through fudges of the world,

and we sent a police
officer to bring you to us.

That's because you two were in jail!

Stephanie, what family doesn't bond

over the occasional
indecent exposure arrest?

- Almost all of them.
- Hey, do you remember we had

that adorable little holding
cell all to ourselves?

Oh, I'd forgotten about that!
Watching you get out of those handcuffs

- was one of the sexiest things I've ever seen.
- Ugh!

- I can still dislocate my thumbs.
- Ugh...

Ok, no blinking, no
looking away, no exceptions.

(together): Ready, set, go!

One Mississippi, two Mississippi... ah!

Three Mississippi, four Mississippi! Ah!

That's a new looking at
whatever the hell that is record.

And to this day, because of you,

everyone thinks that
Ted Danson is a nice guy.

I know, and he's such a bastard.

So, monkey, is there a special
man monkey in your life?

Oh, you're talking to me?

No, I'm just focusing on my career.

Really?

I mean, really proud of you, sweetheart.

We're both proud.

Well, I'm proud of both
of you for getting along.

Maybe this time you won't forget about me.

How can we forget about you, sweetheart?

You're sitting right there,

in the way.

What do you guys wanna do
tonight? You wanna go see a movie?

Go for a walk? Maybe
go play some laser tag?

(yawning) I don't know about your father,

but I've had a really long day
and I just want to go to bed.

(yawning) Oh, yeah. It has
been an unusually long day.

A bed sounds pretty good to me too.

Can one of you just drive me home?

(together): No.

I suppose you'll be wanting some dessert?

Yeah. Park it, Frenchie.

Screw it.

Ooh, David, I love watching you do that.

(chuckling) Oh, I can tell.

- You want to watch me do the other one?
- Yes, please.

Is this bothering you?

Because it's bugging the hell out of
me and they're not even my parents.

Yeah, it's gross, but
after 3 cans of frosting

and 30 bucks at Cinnabon, I remembered

or possibly hallucinated...
that it never lasts.

Really? Because they've been
in there for over 2 hours.

Nope. We just gotta tough it out.

That was a very efficient
and professional meeting.

Yes. Nothing untoward happened

in that very professional
and efficient meeting.

Dad, you still have your handcuffs on.

Would you lookie there.

So, where are you two off to?

- No place for little boys.
- Walking away.

- We're going to a wine tasting.
- Let's be honest. It's a wine drinking.

- Or wine guzzling.
- We're just warming up our palates

- because next week we're going to a vineyard in Napoli.
- Yeah.

Oh, and sweetheart, this
is for dinner last night.

- Fudge?
- Just a couple of pounds. Bye, monkey.

I'm gonna need an
emergency meeting right now.

And get me some butter for this fudge.

Go!

(knocking) Whoa,

- hold up. Occupado!
- I gotta go.

I drank a venti and my
bladder is only a grande.

Gordon?

What the...

- What did you do?
- Don't yell at me, I'll sprinkle!

Who are all those people?

I told my clothing swap
pals what I got for the tie,

and they just had to see this place.

You've got to get them out of
here before Bryce finds out.

You know what he's like when he
gets mad. He gets that scrunchy face

and spouts words nobody knows.

You sir, are a gossiping flap-mouth!

I got flap-mouth once.

No more second-hand toothbrushes for me.

Thanks so much for the appraisal.

Tell me, have you ever seen
anything like it before?

Well, I have.

Once. It was at Woodstock,

and they weren't kidding
about that brown acid.

So what do you think, Barry?

Well, in all my years on Storage Wars,

I've never seen anything quite like it.

- So, it's worth a lot of money?
- Well, there's an old saying,

"One man's trash is
another man's treasure."

- Ok!
- Unfortunately,

in this case it doesn't apply.

Because what you have

is weird, freaky crap.

But I will give you 10
bucks to close the suitcase.

Step up and pay the lady.

Ok, guys, I gave you all morning
to come up with some ideas

on how to break up my parents.

Here are my ideas. Let's hear yours.

"Shave Dad's hair in his
sleep. No one likes a baldy."

That's true. No offense.

There are no bad ideas, so come on.

I think I see a few.

I have a bad idea. "Trusting Nelson".

How many times do I have to apologize?

- Once would be nice.
- I'm working up to it.

Ok, come on, guys, let's
think outside the box here.

I can't. I'm kind of a box thinker.

All box thinkers follow me.

I have a card for you.

Oh, great! Thanks!

"Mind your own business."

- Just an idea.
- Why don't you mind your own business?

You said there were no bad ideas.

Ugh! Stupid Beckett.

Hey! Here you go, big guy!
Look what I bought you!

This is 4-ply sheepskin toilet paper.

It's illegal in New Zealand.

My bathroom was my
sanctuary. Bryce McBradden

cannot be bought. Not
for any number of plies!

But there's 4 of them.

Don't you get it? That
bathroom was the one place

where I was free. Where I didn't have
to manage everybody else's problems,

and where everything wasn't my fault.

Come on, that's just not true.

Bryce, I'm gonna need you to decant this,

and can you cancel all
my afternoon appointments?

Just make it seem like it's your fault.

- Right away, sir.
- Are you coming, Claudia?

In a second. Bryce, can
you bring my car around?

There's some bird droppings on it, you
might want to take care of that too.

Watch the paint.

Will do.

Well, time to do the filing.

Only now, filing is code
for "use 4-ply toilet paper

to wash the boss's ex-wife's car."

Wow, monkey. You really
are focusing on your career.

- Mom!
- Anything I can help you with?

Uh, no! No. How was your wine tasting?

Listen. I know seeing me
and your father together

must stir up some conflicting emotions.

Oh no. My emotions
aren't conflicted at all.

Crystal clear.

- Well, that makes one of us.
- What do you mean?

You guys can't keep your
hands off each other.

Not just our hands.

Ew.

I should know better than getting
involved with your father again.

Someone should be the adult and stop us.

- Funny you should say that.
- But then I think,

finding happiness isn't easy. Once
you've got it, don't question it.

What do you think?

Ugh...

Stupid Beckett isn't
as stupid as I thought.

And a total hottie.

If I were your age, I'd tap that so fast.

- Mom! I can't believe you!
- What?

That's the first time
I've ever heard you say

"if I were your age".

What would you say

to a 2002 Malbec?

I would say: wait your turn.

That's the answer I was hoping for.

Ahem... Daughter coming in.

Still scarred from the last
time I caught you two having sex.

I remember that. You were
ten when you walked in on me.

And twelve when you walked in on me.

How was the wine tasting?

Oh, it was wonderful. We
got this bottle of grand cru

- from the year you were born.
- I was very young that year.

Ok. Forget the wine. Listen.

I've been complaining about you guys
leaving me at the fudge shop for years.

The truth is, I never
felt like we were a family

until you guys got divorced.
And I don't want to lose that,

but more than that, I just
want you guys to be happy.

Oh, that is so sweet.

And what would make me happy right
now is if your father would admit

the whole fudge incident was his fault.

Was it?

They were gonna let us off with a warning,

until your father started staring
at that female officer's rack.

Well, I wasn't the only
one staring that day.

Your mother did quite an
impromptu wet T-shirt contest

for a group of Japanese
tourists on the Maid of the Mist.

It was not impromptu.
That was entirely promptu.

I'm big in Japan.

This is just like you.
We were having a nice time

- and you have to start digging up old skeletons.
- Don't knock it. That's how I met you.

You are not that much younger than me.

Are you kidding me? You spoke at
Career Day when I was in middle school.

Oh, I should never have married a woman
who bathes in the blood of kittens.

- You are unbelievable.
- Oh, am I? Well, you,

you have the soul of a toaster.

And you have the height of one.

Shouldn't you be in the woods

handing out poisoned apples?

Shouldn't you be filling
your empty life with alcohol?

Are you guys breaking up?

- Sorry, monkey, yes, we are.
- Definitely.

Aww... Yes!!!

There's a certain terror in your eyes
that I find strangely irresistible.

- There it is.
- I'm gonna take the stairs.

I'd tap that.

- Really? I can keep these?
- Yeah, go ahead. It's on me.

Wow, X-ray gloves.

Hey, Mr. Weiss, can you see my thoughts?

Ha, ha! You're weirder than I am, pal.

I'm gonna take that as a compliment.

You take it how you want.

- I'll see ya. Abby!
- Barry!

Check it out.

Time for somebody to do
some heavy lifting, Fifi.

1,500 bucks.

For that thing in the
suitcase? I thought you said

Storage Wars' own Barry
Weiss said it was worthless

- and freaky.
- I know. He did.

But our own Nelson said
it was worth 1,500 bucks.

Yup. I have my reasons.

"Dear Bryce."

"This thing guarding the door

should give you the privacy you wanted.

Happy flushing. Nelson."

Oh my God,

it's looking right into
my soul! (screaming)

Ahh...

"You're really giving that
much money to my charity?"

Yes. What the hell is that?

Sorry, I thought I was
playing the girl in this scene.

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