All language subtitles for Soap s01e23.eng

ANNOUNCER:
In last week's episode of Soap,

Burt checked into
the mental institution to try and cure his invisibility,

while Carol has lured
Jodie away for the weekend

to try to put an end
to his homosexuality.

Meanwhile, Prosecutor Franklin
has promised Judge Petrillo

a surprise witness who will put
an end to Jessica.

Confused? You won't be after
this week's episode of Soap.

[

This is the story of two sisters:

Jessica Tate and Mary Campbell.

These are the Tates.

And these are the Campbells.

And this is Soap.

[

You son of a... Go!

JESSICA:
Boys. Boys.

[

[GASPS]

Oh!

Waiting for Walter?
Mrs. McCallam.

He's running a little late,
and I just couldn't bear the thought of you

sitting here all alone,
so I came to keep you company.

Well, I'm not waiting for Walter.
Save it.

Waiter, a martini.

I want you to stop seeing him.

Uh, the waiter?

No. Walter.

Oh, I don't know
what you're talking about.

You and my husband.

The Standish Hotel in Boston,
The Ritz Hotel in Hartford,

The Plaza Hotel in New York,
the Trafalgar Hotel in New Haven.

Not New Haven.
We were never in... Never in New Haven.

All right, now that we've
gotten that out of the way, I want you to stop seeing him.

No, I won't.
We love each other.

Oh, please. Love?
Walter doesn't love anyone.

Walter is the most totally
self-absorbed person in the world.

We have a 7-year-old daughter,
Abigail. Walter calls her Amanda.

Seven years and he still
doesn't know her name.

Thank you.

So do you bow out gracefully,
or do I tell Walter to dump you?

Are you kidding?
Walter would never dump me.

Guess you spotted me.

We were just talking about you.

Small world.

Imagine the three of us
running into each other in the same restaurant.

Don't bother, Walter.

Bother? It's no bother.
It's no bother at all.

She knows, darling.
She knows?

Ah.

Yes. And I was just telling Eunice
that if you had to make a choice

between the two of us,
I know you'd choose me.

You see, I took out a small
insurance policy, a detective,

who, among other things,
discovered that you were being blackmailed.

I paid the blackmailer
and bought the most interesting set of pictures.

By the way, darling,
you don't photograph well.

Now, should you ever
see her again,

I will give those negatives
to the press.

You'd do that?
I mean, you'd ruin my career?

That's right.

You don't need a career,
darling. I'll support us.

You'd see to it that I never
held any office again?

Correct.
We could go away.

No money, no job, no nothing?

Uh-huh.
We'd have each other.

Eunice?
Yes?

See you.

[

Mom...

It's all my fault. I sent him here.
He didn't want to come.

Ma, come on.
He had to come.

No. No, he didn't.
And now look what's happened.

He's run away
and God knows where he is.

[IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE]
Makes it hard to sleep at night knowing lunatics come and go

as they please around here.

Listen, you...

Ma, I got your message.
What happened?

Burt's missing.
They checked all the rooms at bedtime and he wasn't there.

He never was, if you know
what I mean. Ha-ha-ha!

No, Mom, Mom.

How long has he been gone?

Hours. It's all my fault.
I feel so awful.

My God, what if
he never comes home?

Drinks are on me.

MARY:
Stop it.

Stop it. Boys, stop it!

Boys, boys, boys.

Lights were out
over an hour ago. Back to your rooms.

We're just visiting.
You're visiting?

Two men attack a wooden doll
while the third screams?

Nice try.

See, you don't understand.

Bob here was saying
some really nasty things.

Oh, yeah?
Yeah.

Danny, Danny, not here.

Oh, I see.

The doll said something nasty,

so you wanted to kill it.

They're visitors, doctor.

Who are you?
Their mother.

I'm sorry.

We have visitor's passes.

Visiting hours are over.
You'll have to leave.

You see, we're waiting
for my husband. He ran away.

I don't blame him.

Keep the noise down.

And try and set an example
for the patients.

I'm sorry.
That's okay, Dan.

Hey, Mare, how are you doing...?

Where were you?
We were so worried.

I didn't do anything.
Yeah, are you all right?

I'm fine. I'm okay.

You boys wait downstairs for me.

And no more fighting.
Okay.

Are you all right?
What happened?

I ran away.

Burt, is it so awful here?
Do you hate it that much?

No, no, no, Mary.
It's not awful at all.

It's very nice here
and I'm getting better.

I really am. I'm getting...
I'm getting better.

Then what is it?

You see, Mare, we talk a lot here
and we tell our secrets, you know.

And at first I thought,
"Hey, forget about it."

Nobody's gonna hear my secrets,

because I got some
very weird secrets.

That was until I heard
their secrets.

Worse.

They're mostly the same.

See, we all have
the same secrets.

I mean, they come out
a little different,

and I don't know,
maybe there are one or two here

who, frankly, are a little more creative
in the way they look at the world,

like chicken man, for instance,
but, essentially...

Chicken man?

Yeah. When things get rough,
he becomes a chicken.

Oh.

When things get too
rough with me, I...

Then disappear and...

You know, Harold wears hats,
some people drink a lot,

others sleep,
and, you know, and...

See, I mean, we all have
our own ways

of stepping back
when things get too rough.

In that way, Mare,
we're all the same.

I eat.
Yeah.

See, but then I realised
that I had one secret

that nobody else had,
and unless I told them the secret,

I couldn't really get better.

And unless I told you the secret,
I couldn't come home.

See, because, Mary,
I can't live with you and love you

and keep the secret from you.

So tell me, darling.
Tell me the secret.

I can't, Mary.
That's why I ran away.

Because I realised I can't tell you
the secret, so I can't go home.

Then I thought,
"I can't tell the secret here, so I can't stay here."

So I ran away,

and I roamed around the city
all night in the subway.

On the subway,
I could have told my secret, nobody would have cared.

But you came back here.

Mary, I can't live
on the subway.

Ah.

So I figure
I can tell the secret here,

except, of course,
I don't want to live here. Mary, I got no place to go.

So, darling, tell me
the secret and come home.

I can't. I gotta go.
I don't know where I'm going, but I gotta go.

Burt. I love you.
What?

You are the most important
thing in my life to me.

So there is nothing,
absolutely nothing,

that you could tell me
that would change the way I feel.

[MOUTHING]

Go on.

I kill...

I murd...

I kill... Oh, I can't.

Burt, sweetheart,
this doesn't have to be so difficult.

No matter what you say,
no matter what you have done, I will love you.

That's what you think.

Go on now.

I killed your first husband.

I killed your first husband.

Oh, my God.

[WHIMPERS]

[

Are you all right?

Boy, oh, boy,
I wish my cardiologist could have seen me.

I didn't mean to rush you,

but my daughter is coming home.

You know, I didn't think I could.

I didn't think I remembered.

You didn't remember much.

I hope you had
a nice evening, Ingrid.

How can you even ask, Anthony?

Why, you are probably
the most intelligent, fascinating

and gentle man I've met
since... Ingmar Bergman.

Ahh!

Bye-bye, Tony.

Was that the judge?

What, dear?

Judge Petrillo.
That was Judge Petrillo.

[GIGGLING]

Looks like the judge,
doesn't he?

You're trying to fix the trial,
aren't you?

What are you talking about?

You're dating him
so that you can convince him to hang my mother.

I'm your mother.
You know what I mean.

Well, it just so happens that
I am enormously attracted to him.

When I saw him up there
in the court, I just couldn't take my eyes off him.

Bull.

What does it mean, this "bull"?

It means you're lying.

You're trying to fix the trial.

How can you do that to her?

Because I hate her.

She's never done
anything to you.

She took you away from me.

That wasn't her.
That was my grandmother.

And then I was sent off
to Ecuador, of all places,

when she knew,
coming from Sweden,

how the heat would affect me.

You said you came here for me
and now you've got me,

so why can't you
leave them alone?

Because it's not enough.

I want to see them all suffer.

Actually, I'd like to see
them all drop dead.

But I'll settle for suffering.

Oh, I hate them.

Well, I'm one of them.

Oh, no, you're not.

Yes, I am.

And you hate them
more than you love me.

Think about it.

[

[DOORBELL RINGS]

TIM: Ma?
Timothy.

Oh, Tim!

Ma.

How are you, Ma?
Good. Good.

Good to see you.
Come on in.

Oh, I cooked you
everything that you love.

Lasagne?

Oh, lasagne's just
the beginning.

I need to talk to you, Ma.
Yeah, sure.

I got a problem.
Oh, I love it.

People come to priests
with their problems.

And look, a priest
comes to his mother.

I felt I ought to let you know
what was going on.

Yeah, sure.

Of course, tell your mother.

There's a girl.
Where?

No, Ma. There's a girl
and I keep thinking about her.

[SPEAKS IN ITALIAN]

I can't get her out of my mind.

It's a test.

He's giving you a test.

Don't you know a test
when you see one?

No, Ma. It's not a test.

I'm thinking about
leaving the priesthood.

You know, I finally saw
that Star Wars film they were all raving about.

I don't know, in my day,

they got a leading man,
it was Clark Gable.

Today they got a little
machine that goes, "boop!"

Ma, Ma, did you hear
what I said?

I mean, frankly,
I could have stayed home

and looked at
my upright vacuum cleaner.

Did you hear me?
I'm sorry. I'm getting a little old.

I don't hear so good.

I said I was thinking
about leaving...

I mean, not only is my hearing bad,
but my heart is very weak.

I mean, the slightest shock,
and it could kill me.

Otherwise I'm fine.

I said I was thinking
about leaving...

I heard what you said.
You're thinking about leaving the priesthood.

Yes.

Okay. Fine.

Ma.

What else can I do?

I think I'm in love.

Fine. I'd like
the coffin closed, please.

Please, Ma.

I came here because
I need some help, some understanding.

Sorry. All I can
give you is lasagne.

Sometimes priests are
wrong about their calling.

I didn't break my vows.

My superiors understand.

And God will forgive me.

Fine.

If he wants to forgive you,
let him.

I won't.

[

Mrs. Tate, think, think.

Who might the surprise
witness be?

Oh, Mr. Mallu. If I thought of it,
It would ruin Mr. Franklin's surprise.

Benson, every morning
it's the same thing.

I ask for poached eggs.
I get scrambled.

I ask for shirred eggs.
I get scrambled.

I ask for sunny-side up.
I get scrambled.

I never get what I want.

Why don't you ask for scrambled?

Benson, I will not eat these eggs.

JESSICA:
Benson?

Would you fix some eggs
for Mr. Mallu, please?

Certainly.
How do you like them?

Poached.

All right, Benson,
I'll have scrambled.

Mrs. Tate, think.

Who would say
something bad about you?

Bessie Stevens.

You see, in the seventh grade,

Bessie Stevens had braids
down to her waist,

and I cut them off
to use them to be Pocahontas.

No, no, Mrs. Tate.
It is not Bessie Stevens.

Then it's Robert Corwin.

Robert Corwin.

In the 10th grade,
Robert Corwin...

She thinks we're playing
This is Your Life.

Mrs. Tate, who are
your enemies now?

Enemies? Enemies, sir?

How about Hitler
and Mussolini for starters?

JESSICA:
Good morning, Daddy.

Hi.
Eggs, Major?

Thank you. Yup.

Benson, what about me?

What about you?
Do I have to make them myself?

Mother, I'm not feeling too well.
I've got a sore throat.

Oh, dear. I'm afraid you'll have
to cancel court this morning.

I have to take Billy
to the paediatrician.

Mrs. Tate,
you can't cancel court.

Mom, I don't wanna
go to the doctor.

You have to
go to the doctor. You have a cold.

You can't take him to the doctor.
You have to go to court.

I'll take him.

The boy's sick.

Heal the cough.

[

And now, Mrs. Tate, before
you complete your testimony,

tell me, did you or did you not
kill Peter Campbell?

Do you know you have
asked me that question six times?

Yes.

But this time
I want the jury to hear.

Did you or did you not
kill Peter Campbell?

Seven. He has asked me
that question seven times.

Do you wonder how this man
ever got out of law school?

No.
No, what?

No, I didn't kill
Peter Campbell.

Thank you, Mrs. Tate.

And now, in your lifetime,
have you ever killed anything?

No. Never.

Unless you want to count the times
that I accidentally stepped on ants.

I object.

Mr. Franklin, you cannot
help stepping on them.

They're so tiny.

But I never put out
ant poisoning

and I never deliberately
tried to kill them.

I'm sorry.

So you mean to say that
you've never killed anything,

not even a bug?
That's right.

Ask Chester.
His suits are full of holes

because I will not use
moth balls.

Thank you, Mrs. Tate.

Holes in his sweaters.

Thank you.
Holes in his socks.

That's enough, Mrs. Tate.

Holes in his shorts.

But they're not moths,
they're flies.

Get it?

No more questions.

Flies in his shorts?

Ever try to use a pair
without one?

Now, Mrs. Tate,
did you or did you not kill Peter Campbell?

Weren't you listening?

What is the matter with you men?

Objection, Your Honour.
The counsel is badgering my client in an obvious attempt to stall.

Because he cannot produce
the surprise witness he's promised for today.

I can too.
Oh, yeah?

Yeah.
Mr. Franklin, how much longer

do we have to wait?

Ah, just a few more minutes.
I object, Your Honour.

The court has indulged
the counsel long enough.

One wonders if he even has
a surprise witness at all.

Well, Mr. Franklin,
the court will allow you a minute or two longer.

But that's all.
Thank you.

Everybody relax.

Have I got time
to go to the bathroom?

Don't take anything to read.

Hi.

You haven't changed your
mind about this weekend, have you?

Listen, Carol, I...
Oh, come on.

Now, I got us
a two-bedroom cottage.

We're going as friends,
remember?

Okay. Friends.

You're going away
with him for a weekend?

That's right.
But he's a homosexual.

That's right.

And he might come back
a homosexual.

But if he does,

he is sure gonna have
something to compare it to.

All right, Mr. Franklin,
your time is up.

Now, I'm sorry,
but I'm gonna have to...

Your Honour, I would like to
call to the stand at this time

Mrs. Sheila Fine.

Who's that?
Mrs. Fine. Pay attention.

You're going away
for the weekend to the beach with a girl?

Wonderful. I hope
she takes a book to read.

That's fantastic.

Be seated.

State your name
and address, please.

Sheila Fine.
5093 Rockridge Road.

But call first.

Mrs. Fine, did you know
Peter Campbell, the deceased?

Did I know him?

Do you know what
this jerk did to my life?

He comes into my house
where I'm sitting with my husband,

and he says I have to testify
since I was having an affair with Peter Campbell.

My husband called his lawyer,

grabbed his girlfriend
and flew to Acapulco.

I hope a taco chip gets caught
in his throat and he chokes to death.

Yes, Mr. Franklin,
I knew Peter Campbell.

And how did you know him?

Lying down.

I see.

And where was the last time
you saw the defendant, Mrs. Tate?

In Peter Campbell's bathroom
the day he was murdered.

[CROWD GASPS]

And did you hear
the defendant say anything?

Your Honour, this line
of questioning is an obvious delaying tactic...

If it please the court,
I will explain my line of questioning.

Your Honour, up until now,

there has been only one element
missing from the state's case.

We have shown
the motive for the defendant.

The murder weapons were found
in the defendant's possession.

And now we are about
to hear testimony

that, once and for all,
will remove all doubt

and clearly establish
the guilt of the accused.

Mrs. Fine, what did you hear
Jessica Tate say to Peter Campbell

on the very day of the murder?

I heard her say to him,
"I'm so angry, I could kill you."

[CROWD CHATTERING]

The prosecution rests.

[

ANNOUNCER:
Did Walter really walk out on Eunice forever?

Did he also leave her
with the restaurant bill?

Now that Mary has learned that Burt
killed her first husband, Johnny,

what does Mary think
of her second husband, Burt?

Now that Corinne has
walked out on two mothers,

does that make her ineligible
for the Daughter of the Year award?

Has Mrs. Fine's testimony convinced
the jury that Jessica is guilty?

Is Jessica guilty?

These questions, and many others,

will be answered on
next week's episode of Soap.

[

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