All language subtitles for Soap s01e20.eng

ANNOUNCER:
In last week's episode of Soap,

Burt, who thinks he's invisible,
went to see Dr. Medlow.

Since he isn't really invisible,
Dr. Medlow saw Burt.

And from what he saw,
he suggested to Mary

that she see about
having him committed.

While Eunice hid on a ledge
to avoid being caught by Congressman McCallam's wife,

a nervous McCallam mistakenly
gave the blackmailer's photographs to The New York News.

In these photos, he and Eunice
are definitely overexposed.

Confused? You won't be
after this week's episode of Soap.

[

This is the story of two sisters:

Jessica Tate and Mary Campbell.

These are the Tates.

And these are the Campbells.

And this is Soap.

[

You son of a...

Go.

JESSICA:
Boys, boys.

[

[EUNICE SCREAMS]

Hey, they said you'd
knock twice.

I figured they
meant on the door.

Watch your step.
It's slippery.

Gee, this is incredible.

I know the cops are
cracking down, but...

But you girls have
to go through this.

Hey, listen, I'm not complaining.
I think the wet look is sexy.

Ugh.

Hey, wait a minute.

[

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

[WALTER GRUNTS]

[BOTH SCREAMING]

Walter, you scared me to death.

Well, you broke my spine.

What the hell's the matter
with you, Eunice? Throwing boxes all over the place.

Well, how in the world
was I supposed to know you were in there?

You sure took your time
getting here.

Took my time?

I'm standing on
a ledge in a rainstorm, and I took my time?

What was I supposed to do?
Jump down 38 floors on the messenger to stop him?

No. My luck, you'd miss.

Walter!
Oh, I'm sorry.

I'm just so upset
over these pictures.

Look, you take that side,
I'll take this.

I hope I get an appointment
with my chiropractor. I think I broke my spinal cord.

Oh, look. Jackie Onassis.

What in the world
is so terrific about her?

I don't know, Eunice.

I'd really like to know what
everyone gets excited about.

Look at that.
Her eyes are too far apart.

She's got a jaw like Dick Tracy.

Eunice.

Hurry, they'll be back
from lunch.

Oh, for God's sake, Walter.

You know that a researcher
at Cornell University

claims that popcorn
causes heart attacks?

Popcorn.

"Two monkeys dropped dead
of heart attacks after eating popcorn."

Sorry.
Eunice.

Actually, it probably wasn't the
popcorn that killed the monkeys.

It was probably the movie
they were watching.

[LAUGHS]

Eunice.

Just trying to lighten
things up for you.

Now, it's got to be
in one of these.

I give up. We'll never find them.
Oh, no, please, Walter.

If the press ever
gets those pictures...

There'll be a scandal,
and I will no longer be a candidate for the Senate,

and I'll lose my seat
in the House.

Marilyn will leave me.

You know something, Eunice,
it might not be so bad.

I mean, think about it.
No more campaign, no more speeches,

no more polls, no more rat race.

And Marilyn leaving,
that's something I wanted anyway. I mean, I'd be a free man.

You'd be free.
We'd both be free.

And broke.
Ah, so what?

Oh, we'll move
to an island or something.

We wouldn't need money.
We'd live on coconuts and bananas.

Oh, in the Caribbean.

Oh, let's make it an island
in the Caribbean.

Aruba. I hear that's nice.
Aruba? Yes.

Oh, Walter, how wonderful
to live on an island.

Hey, who knows, maybe
we could open a hotel.

I could cook.
I'm a wonderful cook.

What a life. I mean,
nothing but beauty and sunshine and calm.

Oh, Walter, when do we leave?

Right away.

Oh, you know something, Eunice.

I'm glad this happened.
I'm really glad.

Now we can live.
Never be apart.

Together forever.

Hey, aren't you the guy...?
Is that my envelope?

Yeah.
I've got it. We're saved.

We're saved. I've got it.
Walter, what about Aruba?

What? In the middle of my campaign?
I'd lose my seat in the House.

I could be a senator, Eunice.

We'll go sometime
for a weekend. It'll be fun.

[

Good morning.

Uh, Jodie, have...?
Have you seen Bob?

Bob who?

Uh... Bob.

My Bob.

Oh, Bob.
Yeah.

No.

I don't know
what happened. I...

I was in the bathroom,
he was still sleeping, and when I came back,

he was gone.

Hmm. Maybe he ran away.

No. I just... I just have this awful
feeling something happened to him.

Chuck, why don't you sit down?
I wanna talk to you.

I can't, Jodie.
I can't sit down and talk.

Bob is missing.

Well, maybe by the time
we finish talking, Bob might turn up.

You do know where he is,
don't you?

Sit down, Chuck.
All right, where is he?

What did you do with him?
Listen, Chuck.

Recently I've been getting some
very nasty notes like that one.

That's vicious, Chuck.
That hurts.

And they're all signed,
"Bob Campbell."

No.

Yes.

Well, I'll have a talk with him.

Chuck, why are you
sending me these notes?

What are you talking about,
Jodie? You just said Bob was sending these notes.

Chuck, you are Bob.

And if he is, I'm gonna sit down
and really give him hell for it.

Chuck, for God's sake,
you can't talk to him. You are him.

Every time I try to talk to you,
Bob answers, Chuck.

[IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE]
Hello there. I'm Gregory Grapefruit.

What's the matter, Jodie?
You look upset.

I... I'd like to talk
to Chuck.

Oh, well, how about talking to me?
I'm in season, sweet, just like Bob.

No, no. I understand it all...
I don't believe this.

I'm having a conversation
with a grapefruit here.

Chuck. Look, Chuck.
It's food, Chuck. See?

Watch, it's just food.

[GROANS]

Chuck, if you're joking,
cut it out.

I just would like
to talk to you.

Ol?!

As one fruit to another...

Chuck.

Chuck.

Look, it's food, see?
It's food, Chuck.

You need help, Chuck.

[IN BRITISH ACCENT]
Hello there. I'm an English muffin.

Chuck, no, no, no, Chuck.
See? It's food.

See, Chuck?
It's food, Chuck.

You really should see
a doctor, Chuck.

[BURPS]

For God's sakes, Chuck.
Listen to me, would you?

Good morning.
Good morning.

Nobody wears
a Windsor knot anymore.

I'm gonna heat up some bagels.
Anybody want one?

[IN NORMAL VOICE] No, thanks.
No, thank you.

I'll talk to you later, Chuck.

I love bagels.
Love them.

Even though they are
one of mankind's most dangerous foods,

which is something
most people don't know.

For instance, there is absolutely
no safe way to slice a bagel.

Except maybe you get
somebody to do it for you.

I mean, you have no idea
how many people

have sliced an index finger
in half, along with a bagel.

Hey, you go to any synagogue.

I mean, you'll see a majority of the
congregation has a finger missing.

Because then, of course,
there's being electrocuted.

Hm?

You need to put a bagel
in a toaster, right?

JODIE: Mm-hm.
One half's always a little too fat.

You squeeze and
you push it in anyway.

Right? It won't come up.
It starts to smoke.

You stick a knife in
to get it out.

The lights go out in town,
and you do a jig.

Which is why
I always use the oven.

And a lot of butter.
I want some butter here.

Here we go.

[SCREAMING]

Oh, my God.

[IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE]
You're sick, you know that? You're really sick.

I could have frozen in there.
You could have killed me.

[IN NORMAL VOICE]
You know, I wouldn't be surprised if you killed Peter.

Yeah. You tried to kill
Chuck, freeze me...

You're sick, you know that.

You know, that little light
stays on.

Does it?
Yeah.

[

What time tonight?

Not tonight, Elaine.

What time?

Elaine, I said not tonight.

I'll be ready at 8.

Uh, Elaine, I think
it's time we had a talk.

Oh, please don't. I mean,
it's not one of your strong points.

Listen, Elaine.

You're a very nice person,

with a tremendous amount
of, uh, stamina.

And I really appreciate you
saving my life and everything,

but I think that we shouldn't
see each other anymore.

Really?
Yes.

You see, the truth is,
I'm not in love with you.

And I'm never gonna be
in love with you.

So why continue?

I mean, you don't want a guy
around just because you saved his life and he's grateful.

Plus which, you're
killing me physically.

And that's all I want to say.

Fine.

I'll see you at 8.

Elaine, didn't you hear
what I just said? It's over.

I heard. I heard.
And it's not over. I'll see you tonight.

Elaine, you won't be
seeing me tonight.

Tonight or any other night.

Fine. Then I'll go tell
Daddy to kill you.

That's taking it well.

Listen, Elaine, come on.
You're not in love with me.

Why do you want me around?
You're cute, you're terrific in bed.

And as long as you don't
open your mouth, I can pretend you've got a brain.

So why not come at 8?
We'll have dinner.

That does it, Elaine.
That's it.

I am not coming back,
ever. Goodbye.

Then my father will kill you.

I don't know about that.

Danny, how are you?
I'm fine, Mr. Lefkowitz.

So, what's up, Danny?

I came to talk to you
about Elaine.

Well, no kidding.

I was just gonna talk to you
about the same thing.

Well, you see, we've been
seeing a lot of each other lately, Elaine and me.

And what it gets down to is...

I know. I know.

Listen, you remember that little
favour I said you still had to do?

Yeah.

I'm now ready to tell you what it is.
Yeah?

You are to marry Elaine.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

The wedding will take place
next month.

It will be at The Plaza.
Oh, The Plaza.

The invitations go out tomorrow.

Here's a sample.

You're serious.

Mm-hm. Well, one thing.
I checked out your family.

Some strange group,
let me tell you.

Danny, about your brother,
the faigelah.

Make sure that there's not
too many frills on his tuxedo.

I've got relatives don't
understand these things.

Mr. Lefkowitz,
I don't think you understand.

See, I don't love your daughter.
You will.

No, I don't love her,
and I can't marry her.

Danny, when you said
you couldn't kill your stepfather,

we said we were gonna kill you.

But then my daughter interceded
and saved your life.

But when she did that, I told you
you still owed us a favour.

Well, this is it.

You either marry my daughter,
or I'll kill you.

It's that simple.

Marry Elaine
or I'll blow your brains out.

So, what's it gonna be?

Is it too late to kill
my stepfather?

[

[

Burt, I'm home.
BURT: Oh, hi there.

Where are you, Burt?

BURT: I'm right here.
Give me a hand, will you?

Where?

BURT:
Well, I'm right here.

Oh, my God, you are invisible.

Burt, oh, Burt,
wherever you are, I am sorry.

I didn't know.

I thought you were crazy.

I didn't know you
really could do it.

That's why I was making
plans to commit you.

Commit me?

You were in the closet?

Mary, what do you mean?

I didn't know you were in the closet.
I thought you were invisible.

Commit me? Commit?

Not commit. Not really commit.

Commit.

Put me away?

Mary, you wanna put me away?

Burt, it's not putting away.

It's not like the movies.
It's a hospital.

A regular hospital.
It's not even an institution.

I'm losing it.
Oh, Mary, I'm losing it.

What, Burt?
What are you losing?

My marbles.

It's like, now.
Like, right now, Mary.

Everything gets so clear.

I'm here, right?
And you're here.

And we're talking,
and everything is good.

But I can't keep it that way.
It won't stay.

I try, Mary. I really try to keep
everything right the way it is, but I...

It starts slipping.
I slip. And then I go away.

And I can't stop it.
I try, Mary. I really try.

I can't help it.

And then I'm gone.

Darling.

That's why you need help.

You see, you need someone
to help you not go.

I'm crazy, Mary.

You're married to
a crazy person.

Burt, you're not crazy.

You're just having
a little nervous breakdown.

It's more that.

Nervous breakdown?
Mary, a nervous breakdown is something you have

when you gain five pounds.

This is not your
nervous breakdown.

This is more
your Three Faces of Eve.

It's not that serious,
and it's just temporary.

Actually, it's
"The Two Faces of Burt."

I mean, there's this one,
the normal one,

and then the other one
that goes away.

I wonder how
she got three faces.

But Dr. Medlow says this is
just a temporary reaction to Peter's death.

You just need some
professional help.

I'm scared, Mary.

I'm so scared of losing you.

That crazy, I'm not.
I know I could lose you.

You won't lose me, Burt.

I'm so scared of disappearing
into that other world and never coming back.

Or if I do come back,
you'll be gone.

You'll run off
with some nice, sensible man

who drives a Volvo
and doesn't disappear.

Burt, I won't be gone.

I'll never be gone.

And, darling, that's why
I was going to commit you.

Because I don't want
you to go into that world and not come back.

I'm scared of losing you.

[

Oh, so this is
the judge's chambers.

You know,
I thought it meant bloomers.

Bloomers?

Yes. You know,
upstairs, downstairs.

In my lady's chambers.

So I thought it meant bloomers.
That's why I couldn't understand

when they told us to wait
for the judge in his chambers.

Franklin.

What the devil are you doing here?
You said you couldn't defend her.

Well, I'm not here to defend.
I'm here to prosecute.

He said he couldn't defend her,
and he's going to prosecute her? He's not allowed to do that.

Let me get this straight.
You talked to Mrs. Tate

and decided not to defend her?
Right.

What's the matter with you,
counsellor?

You could be disbarred for that.
That's right.

I've never met this woman.

[FRANKLIN & JESSICA LAUGHING]

Laughter is so infectious.

He's lying.

I've never seen either
of these people before.

[FRANKLIN & JESSICA LAUGHING]

This is fun.

Are you sure you got
the right man?

Of course this is the man.

All right. All right. I'll tell you.

That was my twin brother.

The lawyer we saw?

Well, we do this to
everybody all the time.

And we used to drive the
teachers in school crazy, you know?

Nobody could tell us apart.

In fact, just last year,
we played quite a trick on our wives.

Quite a trick.

Of course, we never
told them about it.

So I guess that clears up
this little mystery.

I mean, I've never seen either
of you before in my life.

But I have seen you.

Oh, really?
Mm-hm.

Ten years ago,
the Doberish case.

You know, I had that one
all sewn up

until the last day when you came in
with that surprise witness

who I know lied through her teeth.

Of course, the jury fell for it.
Her being a nun.

I vowed that I'd get even
with you, Mallu.

Well, here I am.

And, oh, boy, have I got
a winner this time.

Oh, my God.

What?
Oh, God.

Take it easy, Tate.
Take it easy.

What's past is past.
What?

It was only $40,000.
What's $40,000?

I invested it for him,
and lost it.

Oh, my God.

You must be Mrs. Tate.
How do you do, Your Honour?

We've never met before,
but I do know your wife.

Oh, really?

Well, actually I don't know her
in the true sense of the word.

You see, what happened was
one day I was driving with my sister.

And this person shot
straight through a stop sign and almost hit me.

And I said,
"My God, who's that maniac?"

And my sister said,
"That's Judge Petrillo's wife."

That sounds like my late wife.

Oh, God.

I should think with
speeding like that she'd be early, not late.

[WHISPERS]

Oh, I am so sorry,
Your Honour. I had no idea.

It's all right.

Well, he might have said
"my dead wife."

Or "my deceased wife."

But late? Late usually
means not on time.

Your Honour, if I may.

The stock market
was terrible that year.

It was very erratic.
Everyone lost money.

I lost money.

Come, now, what's $40,000?

My son didn't care that much
about going to college.

Really. He's doing very nicely
at the taco stand.

Oh, God.

The grand jury's come down
with a murder one indictment.

I would consider reducing
the charges to murder two with a plea of guilty.

Never.

Well, then, how about
reducing the charges

with a plea of insanity,
counsellor?

Sounds good to me.

I think the whole thing's insane.

Do I love this?
Do I love this case?

Your Honour,
would it be all right

if I ask one question?
Of course.

There is something
I'm just dying to know.

Why do you wear those robes?

Oh, God.

Oh. Tradition I expect,
Mrs. Tate.

I'll bet anything you're hiding
a perfectly lovely $300 suit

under that tacky $20 robe.

Let me see.

Jessica.
Come on, now. Let me see.

Now, Mrs. Tate...

Now, let me see what
you've got hiding under there.

Mrs. Tate. Mrs. Tate. Stop it.

All right.

Okay, counsellor, we start
selecting the jury tomorrow.

Thank you, Your Honour.
Mrs. Tate.

Really, Your Honour,
even I lost money.

It's forgotten, Tate.
It's forgotten.

Ah. Good.

After all, my father only
had a couple of more years on that kidney machine.

Hey, he was old.
Had to go sometime.

See all you folks in court.

Ta.

Oh, God.

[LAUGHING]

[

ANNOUNCER:
Will Danny marry Elaine,

or will he ask Mr. Lefkowitz
to blow his brains out?

Will Burt allow himself
to be committed?

And if he does,
will he allow himself to be seen?

Since the judge lost a lot of money,
and he doesn't find it funny,

and though Chester
says he's sorry,

and the judge says not to worry,
will Jessica get the chair,

even though it isn't fair,
because the judge holds a grudge?

These questions, and many others,

will be answered
on next week's episode of Soap.

[

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