All language subtitles for Soap s01e18.eng

[

ANNOUNCER:
In last week's episode of Soap,

Jodie told Mary that
Burt needs help because now he thinks he's invisible.

Mary told Jodie
Burt doesn't need help, he was just joking.

Whereupon Burt
almost blew up the house.

Mary now agrees with Jodie.

Meanwhile, an attorney,
after meeting with Jessica,

told Chester
he couldn't win Jessica's case

if Chester was the judge
and the Tate family was the jury.

He told Chester to plead guilty.

Confused?
You won't be after this week's episode of Soap.

[

ANNOUNCER:
This is the story of two sisters:

Jessica Tate and Mary Campbell.

These are the Tates.

And these are the Campbells.

And this is Soap.

[ARGUING]

[GRUNTING]

[

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Hi, is...?
I never give.

No, what I want is...
Money. You people.

Well, what's the matter?
Don't you have enough stained glass?

[CHUCKLING]

Tim.
Corinne.

She knows me, we're friends.

Oh, you're that priest.

Father Timothy Flotsky.

We have some of you people
in Sweden, you know.

Well, we get around.

I always hated them.
Such an exclusive bunch.

Always going on about heaven

as if they were the only ones
who could go there.

The church doesn't
really believe that...

Corinne, I have to go out.

Sweetheart,
give Mama a kiss. Mwah.

I guess it's safe leaving.

The only good thing
about you priests

is a mother doesn't
have to worry about her daughter with you.

[LAUGHING]

So that's your new mother.
Yeah.

I like the old one better.

So, listen, Corinne,
I came to say goodbye.

Goodbye?

Yes. I'm going away
for a while on a retreat.

Where?
I'm not gonna tell you.

Oh, please?
I can come visit you.

No, you can't come visit.
You can't visit a retreat.

Anyway, it's on top
of a mountain.

So? There are
roads up mountains.

It's a Canadian mountain.
There are no roads.

Please take me with you.

Corinne, it's a religious
retreat I'm going on.

It's for priests with problems.

What problems?
You.

Me?
Yes.

I think about you all the time.

That's wonderful.

No, it's not.

I'm not supposed to be
thinking about you at all.

I told my superior,
and he told me to go away and meditate.

I'm praying it'll work.

Please take me with you, Tim.

You're all I have.
What are you talking about?

You've got two fathers
and two mothers.

I hate my parents.

Which ones?
All of them.

Oh, come on,
you don't hate them.

I do.

Please, don't leave me, Tim.
I have to.

Well, when will you be back?

Tim?

Hopefully never.

What are you talking about?

If it works, if I'm able to
forget about you, Corinne,

then they'll transfer me
and make me stay away

until you're too old to tempt me,
and I'm too old to care.

Goodbye, Corinne.

You mean I might
never see you again?

Oh, Tim.

Oh, don't cry, Corinne.
Please, I can't deal with crying now.

That Swedish lady
took all my energy.

Just say goodbye.

Tim, if we're
never gonna see each other again

can we at least kiss goodbye?

Come on, Corinne, be serious.

I'm never gonna
see you again for the rest of my life

and you won't even
let me kiss you goodbye?

Corinne!
Please?

I'll kiss you on the forehead.

[GROANS]

Come on. For me?

Close your eyes.

Please, God,

I need him more than you do.

[

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

JODIE:
Burt, would you open the door?

All right, we're gonna
pick the lock. We're gonna do some lock picking now, Burt.

All right, Danny, do your stuff.

[IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE]
Hey, I thought this was one thing he knew how to do.

This is a complicated lock.
Yeah, sure.

Wait, I got a credit card.
Get out of here.

You can't open a door
with a credit card.

Excuse me.

[DOORKNOB CLICKING]

Hey, what the hell do you guys
think you're doing?

The door was locked, Burt.

Of course it was locked,
I'm taking a bath.

Burt, uh, you've
been in here for a day and a half now.

So, what are we doing now?
Are we timing people in the bathroom?

Uh, Burt, I think maybe
you should go see Dr. Medlow.

You know, talk to him.

He's a psychiatrist.
Maybe he can help.

Yeah, Burt, we think that
maybe you're having a slight nervous breakdown.

I know what you're doing.
I know, I know.

If you can convince
other people I'm crazy,

then the police won't pay attention
to my findings and that'll make it safe for the four of you.

No, Burt.
Burt, come on.

Well, what are
we having here, a party?

No, they broke in.

Well, I, for one, am getting
sick and tired of using the downstairs bathroom.

I almost killed myself
on the steps last night.

Okay, everybody out.
Mom.

Out. Out. Hm?

See you, Burt.
Let's go, come on.

Hi.

Oh, Mary, there's something
very important I have to discuss with you.

Good.
Get in the tub, please.

Because, darling,
I want to talk to you. Get in the tub?

Get in the tub so we can talk.
Burt,

I think you should see someone.

I think you need help.

That's what I want to
talk to you about. Get in the tub.

Darling, you're not yourself.

I'm not myself?
No.

Yes, then who am I?
I mean, who, Mary? Who?

I mean, if you think I'm not me,
who do you think I am?

Burt, that's not what I mean.
That's what you said, though, Mary.

You said,
"Darling, you're not yourself."

So, naturally, that's what I heard.
So then I said:

"Oh. Who do you think I am?"

And, uh, quite frankly,
Mary, if you really think that I'm somebody else,

then I think you're the one
who needs a lot of help here.

So, please, get in the tub
and let's do some talking.

Ah. Well, I'll tell you,
if we can't get him out of that bathroom,

maybe we can get that
psychiatrist guy to come over and do a house call.

If you want my
opinion, we ought to have him committed.

Committed?
Come on, what are you talking about?

You're talking about
committing somebody, Chuck. I love it.

From a man
who thinks his dummy is real.

But, Burt,
you're always in the basement.

Really?
Yes.

Am I in the basement now?
Well, no.

Ah. Therefore,
I am not always in the basement.

You've been
in the bathtub for a day and a half.

First the basement,
now the bathtub? Mary, please,

make up your mind.
What's troubling you, the basement or the bathtub?

Was that your foot?
Yes.

Good. Because if it wasn't,
there's somebody else in here with us.

Darling, sometimes
you say things that, uh,

sound a little strange.
Like what?

Well, that you're invisible.

You don't think I know
how strange that is?

You do?
Of course. Are you kidding?

I didn't know you did.
Invisible?

Come on, Mary.
It's ridiculous.

I di... I mean, I had no...

Invisible? Who ever
heard of anybody being invisible?

[LAUGHING]

Unless, of course,
you have the Ring of Power.

The Ring of Power?

Uh, Mary, please, watch your feet.

Burt, do you have it?
What?

This Ring of Power?
Don't be silly.

Well, that's a relief.

Because for a minute there,
I thought you were telling me

that you had this ring thing
that made you invisible.

[LAUGHING]

No, no, no.

I can be invisible without it.

You think you can be invisible?

Mary, I...
It's the damnedest thing.

Well, you see, what
happens is sometimes I go into a room

and people say,
"Hi, Burt."

Well, then, of course,
I know I'm not invisible.

But other times,
I go into a room, think people can see me,

but nobody says anything.

Those are the times
I'm invisible.

Huh?

Now, I don't know
how to control it yet, Mary, but when I can...

When I can, I'm gonna
blow this investigation wide open.

Can you imagine it?
I can go anywhere.

I can hear everything,
I can see everybody,

and nobody can see me.

I will also be able to
get into the movies free.

Burt,

you cannot make
yourself invisible.

No?
No.

All right. Watch.

Well, can you see me?

See? I told you.
Burt, you're not invisible.

[THROWS VOICE]
All right, where am I?

Right there.

Ah, no. You knew that before.
I can see you, I can see you.

You sure you can see me?
Yes.

Pfft.

It doesn't work when you're wet.

Listen, Mary, I'll tell you what.

After our bath,
while you're making dinner,

I'll kind of dry off
and blow-dry my hair,

and then I'll become
invisible for you.

[IMITATES FANFARE]

[

[

Ladies and gentlemen
of the jury...

No.

Members of the jury...

No.

My friends,

search your hearts

and tell me if you think
this lovely young widow, this mother...

Look at her. I ask you
to look at her.

Are you looking at her?

And if you are looking at her,

tell me if you're convinced
that she is guilty

of this heinous crime
of which she's been accused.

That was my Clarence Darrow-
Spencer Tracy combination.

Oh, very good.

Now, in your wife's case,
Tate, you're in luck. I like it.

You like it?
I like it.

Oh, that's terrific.
What exactly do you like about it?

It's almost impossible.
What?

She's got everything
against her.

No alibi,
murder weapon, motive. It couldn't be worse.

And you like that?
I love it.

The challenge, it excites me.

If I lose, I don't look bad,
because they didn't expect me to win.

[MOUTHING]

If I win, I'm a hero.

Ah, it's terrific,
Tate. It's terrific.

She's almost
as good as dead. I love it.

Well, I'm, uh, flattered,
I guess.

Well, we'll arrange
to meet her the day after tomorrow...

Don't you think
we should discuss your fee? I hear that...

I hate to talk money,
Tate. I hate it. I see.

Well, perhaps you could
write it down on a piece of paper.

A ballpark figure,
just to give me an estimate.

Thank you.

[GROANS]

That's your fee?
That's it.

You could buy
a small nation with this.

I don't have to recite
my record to you, do I, Tate?

You remember the Robinson case?

She was seen
pulling the trigger.

There were pictures
of her chuckling over the dead body.

Remember what happened?

I not only got her off,
I got her damages from his estate.

I know that you're the best.
I mean, I know that.

That's why I'm here, uh.

It's just that, uh,
you see, I've had to mortgage the house

to raise the bail for Jessica,

and, well,
things are kind of tight right now.

It's okay, Tate.
I understand.

There are other lawyers,
I'm not the only one.

I'm the best,
but I'm not the only one.

So if your wife isn't worth
the additional money, it's...

I could give you
a cheque for part of it now

and then in a few days,
I could give you...

Forget it.
A handshake is enough for me. I trust you.

Thank you.

Because if you ever
decide not to pay, I'll see that your wife fries.

[

MAN [OVER PA]:
Airbus Inc., Flight 137, nonstop to Rio de Janeiro

is now ready
for boarding at Gate 42.

I am really not
too crazy about taking this flight.

I saw the pilot go by
before, and he walked directly into a pillar,

tipped his hat,
said, "Excuse me," and got on the plane.

[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

What does that mean in English?

See, I don't speak
whatever it is you're speaking.

BENSON: Mrs. Tate.
JESSICA: Oh, hello, Benson.

Come on, come on.
We're going home.

No, Benson, I can't
go home. I'm flying down to Rio.

It was really very nice
of you to come and see me off,

but I've gotta get out
of the country. They're going to hang me.

Mrs. Tate, you're
white and rich, they ain't gonna hang you.

Benson, I am a fugitive.

But you mustn't tell
anybody. Nobody knows. It's a secret.

How do you know?

Well, I read the note you left.

That note was meant
for Mr. Tate.

Well, I... I read all
Mr. Tate's mail.

You open
Mr. Tate's mail?

Well, I didn't say
I opened it, I said I read it.

You know,
you hold it up to the light there

you can see right through it.

Isn't that a federal offence?
So is jumping bail.

Oh, Benson, everybody
will be much better off without me.

I mean, I am nothing
but a burden.

I'll probably love Rio.

And when all of
this murder business has blown over,

I'll come back with
lots of presents

and teach everyone
to do the samba.

MAN:
Airbus Inc., Flight 137 is in its final boarding stage.

Everyone should be
onboard at this time.

Bye-bye, Benson.
Mrs. Tate.

Now, before you go
flying down to Rio, I think you should know

what happens if you do.
What?

They keep the bail
money Mr. Tate put up.

They do?

Which means he loses
the house and all the savings.

So while you're
down there on the conga line

he's gonna be up here
on the bread line.

Oh, dear.

Well, I guess I can't go.
That's right. Come on.

[

Benson, what's going on?
I came as soon as I got your message.

Mm-hm.

Look at this.
Will you look at this?

And it's all
your sister's fault.

Benson, you told me
to get right over here. Is this why?

This was once a
9-pound sirloin roast.

It is now a little black rock.

Benson.
A dried-up, little black rock.

Benson, why
did you tell me to come right over here?

Because your sister's crazy.

Well, what did she do?

I put a roast in
the oven, she decides she's going to Rio.

I haul her back
from the airport,

she decides she's
gonna move out and take an apartment.

Mr. Tate will come home,
his wife will be gone,

and he'll have
a little black rock for dinner.

Jessica, where are you going?

Oh, Mary, I'm going to
rent a small apartment.

Probably near the courthouse,

as that's where I will
doubtless be spending a great deal of my time.

Why in the world are you doing this?

Oh, Mary, let's face it.
Being a suspected murderess,

I am nothing but
a burden to Chester

and an embarrassment
to the entire family.

Now, if I were needed here,
that would be one thing.

I mean, I would still
be a burden and a stigma,

but I would be a needed one.

As it is, I'm not needed, Mary.

No one would even notice
if I were gone.

What are you talking about?
Of course you're needed.

No, I am not, Mary.

You're needed
much more than I am.

Don't be silly.
I am not.

Mary, please, you are.

Your husband's going crazy.

He needs you to look after him.

And Jodie, just very recently,
tried to commit suicide.

He needs to be watched.

Somebody was trying
to murder Danny, so he needs protection.

See? You have all of that.

What have I got?
I mean, my children are never home,

so I don't need to
take care of them.

Benson takes care of the house.

The gardener takes
care of the roses.

There's nothing for me to do.

I mean, I did try to
do hospital work, volunteer,

but they asked me to leave
because I cried so much.

It was very depressing
for the patients.

See, Mary,

I'm a completely
unnecessary person.

[

I'm...

I'm like Eunice's
Raggedy Ann doll that sits on her bed,

old and kind of worn-out.

And nobody
even looks at it anymore.

But nobody has the heart
to throw it away, because,

well, it's...
It's just been there so long.

Jessie, we love you.

People aren't needed
because of what they do for you,

they are needed because
of the way they make you feel.

And we love you, Jess.

We all love you.

What could be a more
important reason for being needed than that?

Love?

I need you, Jess.

I couldn't get through
half my days without you.

Really, Mary?

I swear, I swear.
Oh. Oh, Mary.

Benson, guess what.
What?

I'm staying.
Wonderful.

You know,
I was thinking, Benson,

perhaps I could be
more of a help to you

around the kitchen,
for instance.

Now, take that roast,
for example. You overcooked that.

[

Okay, Chester, what is it?

CHESTER:
What is what, love?

The bad news.
What are you talking about?

Chester, the only time
you ever bring me here

is when you have something
awful to tell me because you figure here I won't scream.

[CHUCKLES]

Eat your soup, Claire.
How's the car running?

I don't know,
I haven't used it in weeks.

You know, I think
we ought to sell it. Why?

Well, you never use it,

it just sits in a garage
for $200 a month. That's a waste.

And the money could be
put to much better use, right?

Right.
Like what?

Jessica's bail.

You want to sell my car
for Jessica's bail?

Well, I did buy you
the car, Claire.

You never use it.
And the bail is unbelievable.

Every little bit helps.

Come on, hon,
what do you say? All right.

That's my girl.

So you did bring me
here for a reason, just like I said.

You figured I'd make a scene
about selling the car.

No, actually I figured
you'd make a scene about selling the apartment.

What?
Well, I did buy it for you, Claire.

My apartment?
Claire, I have to.

The attorney's fee
is astronomical.

You're going to
sell my apartment?

And where am I
supposed to sleep, Chester, in the car?

Well, no, because,
remember, I'm selling that.

I don't believe this.

Claire, Jessica's in real trouble.

Perfect.
Perfect.

For 12 years
I've been waiting, Chester.

For 12 years!
Spare me, Claire.

Spare me the
"12 years" speech. Chester...

I didn't handcuff you, Claire.

You knew I was married,
you chose to wait.

But you promised
you'd leave her. You promised.

Of course I promised,
you were blackmailing me.

You mean you're not
going to leave her?

That's right.
Well, you were wrong, Chester.

Because bringing me here

is not going to prevent me
from making a scene.

[SCREAMING]

Are you finished, Claire?

Not quite.

Because now, Chester,

I am going to report
your irregularities

to the Securities and
Exchange Commission.

Perhaps you and
Jessica can serve time together.

Fine, Claire,
do whatever you have to do.

One more thing,
Claire. You're fired.

Ah.

Operator,

I want the number of the
Securities and Exchange Commission, please.

[

[

ANNOUNCER:
Will Burt ever come out of the bathtub?

And if he does,
will he be all wrinkled?

Will Father Tim's retreat in Canada
cure him of Corinne?

Or will he take up hockey?

Will Chester be able to pay

E. Ronald Mallu's enormous fee
for Jessica's defence?

And now that Claire
has called the SEC,

will he have any money left over
for his own defence?

These questions and many others
will be answered

on next week's episode of Soap.

[

ANNOUNCER:
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