All language subtitles for Soap s01e04.eng

[

ANNOUNCER:
This is the story of two sisters:

Jessica Tate and Mary Campbell.

Jessica lives in a neighbourhood
known as rich.

Jessica likes life.

The only thing about life
she would change, if she could,

is that she would set it
all to music.

The Tates have more secrets
than they do money.

We're approaching
Mary Campbell's house.

Mary, too, likes life.

Unfortunately, life doesn't seem
to be too crazy about her.

As you can see, the Campbells
don't have nearly as much money as the Tates.

They do, however,
have as many secrets.

In last week's episode of Soap

Mary realises that Jessica
and Corinne

are playing something other
than tennis with Peter, the tennis pro.

Neither Jessica nor Corinne
realise

that they both are engaged
in a game of mixed doubles.

Jessica is so overwhelmed
with guilt

she attempts to confess
her affair to Chester.

But Chester isn't listening,

because he's so overwhelmed by his
secretary Claire's blackmail attempts.

Meanwhile at the Campbells,
Mary has threatened to move out

unless Burt and Danny
try to get along.

Getting along with
his stepfather, Burt,

becomes even more difficult
for Danny

once the Godfather tells him Burt
was the man who killed his father.

Since the Mob will kill Danny
if he doesn't kill Burt,

Danny realises trying to please
his mother will be a problem.

But Mary's problems
don't end there,

since her other son, Jodie,
is about to become her daughter.

Confused?

You won't be after
this week's episode of Soap.

Good grief.

Are you just coming home?

Shh. Are they still sleeping?

My goodness.

You stay out all night,
you sleep all day.

The only time I get a chance
to clean your room is midnight.

Come on, Benson.
I got enough problems.

It's unhealthy,
that's what it is.

You never see the sun,
you don't eat regular meals.

You hardly ever even stand up.

You better get a job, girl.

[GASPS]

Oh!
Morning, Ma.

My goodness,
you're up bright and early.

Oh, well...

Well, I was just leaving.
I'm, uh...

I'm going out to look for a job.

As a night watchman.

Well, I'll see you later, Ma.

Yes, good luck with the job.
Oh, thanks.

Benson.
Huh?

Why isn't the table set
for breakfast?

Because I didn't set it.

Oh, well, I suppose
that's a good reason.

And I ain't gonna set it.
Oh, Benson, you have to set the table.

I mean, we have to eat.

People in this house
don't eat breakfast.

They run in, bend over,
sip and leave.

So that's it for table setting.
Table setting is out.

Jessica?
JESSICA: Yes, dear.

Where's breakfast?
The dining room is empty.

I know, dear.

We're having a kind of a buffet
in the kitchen this morning.

Chester, how would you like for me
to make you some waffles?

Just toast and coffee.
Ah.

Benson?
Hm?

Why is it everyone else's toast
is always a nice, normal colour,

and mine is always black?

Black ain't a nice,
normal colour?

I'm talking about toast, Benson.

Now, why is mine black?

Because it's burnt.

Why don't we fire him?

Oh, don't be silly, darling.
We can't fire Benson.

What do you mean, we can't?

Nobody but Benson
would put up with us.

What are you talking about,
Jessica? We're a perfectly nice, normal family.

Good morning, Daddy.

MAJOR:
Where have I landed?

In the kitchen, you idiot.

Oh, colonel!

I was afraid the wind had
blown me behind enemy lines.

Here, Daddy.
Hi, Gramps.

There's nobody
in the dining room.

I know, dear.
We're all in here.

Could Mommy fix you a nice
bowl of cereal for breakfast?

No, thanks, Ma.

You got home
very late last night.

Yeah, I know. I had a date.

Uh, you know, Billy,
I think maybe it's time

that you and I had
a little man-to-man talk.

Ah, that's all right, Dad.
Benson took care of that already.

Benson took care of what?

Sex. See, we also
learned it in school.

Of course, in school,
they teach us about chickens and fruit flies mating, you know.

Chester, what would
a chicken see in a fruit fly?

I don't know, Jessica.

I don't know why they
have to teach us about animals.

Benson told it better.

Well, I'm sure that Benson,
in his primitive way,

explained things to you.

But I think it's a good idea if you
had the right view of things.

The white view?

Chester, do whites
and blacks do it differently?

I said, "the right view,"
Jessica.

Well, I know how it works, Dad.

Unfortunately, it hasn't
changed my life any.

He just drank raw eggs.

You just ate burnt toast.

Morning, everyone. Daddy.

Morning, princess.
Good morning, darling.

Eunice, how would you like
some pancakes for breakfast?

Oh, no, thank you, Mother.
I'm on 300 calories a day.

Three hundred calories?
But, darling, what can you eat?

Nothing. If I brush my teeth twice
a day, that puts me a little over.

[LAUGHS]

How would you like a ride
to the station, puss?

Oh, no, thanks, Daddy.
I'm flying to Washington to cover a press conference.

Ah. Careful of those
congressmen.

Too late.

Jessica, would you tell Benson
to starch my shirts, not my shorts?

I feel like I'm walking around
with saltines in my pants.

I better get going, Mother.
I'll be home tonight.

All right, darling.
Have a safe trip.

Bye-bye, Major.

One thing I like about
you Italian women.

You're very grateful.

Maybe this evening,

I'll bring you some nylon
stockings and Hershey bars.

Mother, this war thing
is getting worse and worse.

He doesn't even know
where he is anymore.

His mind...

Mind! Young lady,
I'll have you know my mind is sharp as candy, thank God.

Come in.

[

Listen, babe, I hate
to rush you, but I got another lesson real soon.

The real reason I came here
today was to break up with you.

[CHUCKLES]

Break up with me?
Yeah.

I mean, ironic, isn't it?
Yeah.

See, I mean,
I let this happen once before,

but I came here today to tell you
I could never let it happen again.

And then I mean, I no sooner
than get here than I let happen

exactly what I said
I would never let happen again.

Yeah, what happens
happens, you know.

Yes, but I mean,
why did it happen?

Do you think maybe
I'm in love with you?

You're not, no.
Well, maybe.

I mean, my stomach goes
flip-flop and I'm all shivery.

Oh, that's the flu, the intestinal flu.
I had it myself, last week.

I think you should go
right home and get to bed.

Oh, I hope my mother
isn't looking down from heaven at this.

I mean, this would kill her.

This is not love.
This is the flu.

Then, of course, if my mother
is looking down from heaven,

being very nearsighted,
maybe she wouldn't know it was me anyway.

Then again, maybe in heaven,
people aren't nearsighted.

I mean, if there is
a life after death,

I wonder if you need
glasses for it.

Mother!

Corinne!

Corinne, hello, I...

I was just at the end
of my tennis lesson.

See, I, uh...
I take my lessons up here,

because the lines on the court
make me so nervous.

That's right, the lines.

Peter thought of this.
This sort of takes the pressure off. You know?

Keep your knees
bent now and follow through with the racket.

Yeah.
Over the shoulder.

PETER: I think you're getting it.
JESSICA: I got it.

There, you got it. Good!
I got it.

I got it.
I think you've got it.

Yeah, and thank you.

I got it. Bye.
PETER: See you next week. Bye.

She's really improving.

Really...

improving.

[

And you don't have to be
a baseball player to use Ball 4.

After the game, I always use it
for the game that's coming up.

And cut. Good.
I think we got it.

Thank you.
That's a wrap, everybody.

All right. Thank you.

Thank you very much.
Well, how'd it look?

Terrific.
Good.

Listen, if you need tickets to a game
sometime, just let me know.

I'll take you up on that.
Hey, how about this Sunday, 49er game?

Done.
Out of sight. Great.

That's gonna be a great game.
They got a great defence, toughest in the league.

All right, Dennis,
what's going on?

You broke two dates
with me in the last week.

I told you, I had a terrible week.
I mean, I had a rough game Sunday.

It's not just that, Dennis.
It's a lot of little things.

I mean, you're different.
Well, how?

How? Like Friday night
when we went out for dinner.

You asked for a table
instead of a booth.

You spent the whole meal
talking to those people next to us.

And then you tell me,
"I have a headache."

I did. I got kicked
in the head in practise.

Is there another guy?

Oh, come on, Jodie.

It's Ralph, isn't it?
It's not Ralph.

Fine, hey, you wanna be
with Ralph, be with Ralph.

I mean, the man has
the IQ of an avocado

and the worst nose job
that I've ever seen.

It's not Ralph.
It's David, then, hm?

It's not David.
Because he lied, Dennis.

He was never Barbra
Streisand's hairdresser.

It's not David.

It's Bob. It's Bob.

Jodie, it's not another guy.
Then what the heck is it?

Well, it's...

It's a woman.

Oh, be serious.
I am.

Come on, Dennis.

When you're at the line of
scrimmage, read the blitz.

Dump it off over the middle,
throw a zing out for a quick six.

A woman?

You and a woman?

Some people wouldn't find
that so strange.

Oh, I know that, Dennis.

But, you know, seeing as
you're a homosexual, I would...

[GIGGLING]

A woman. Does she know?

I haven't told her yet.

Well, Dennis, when you
touch her and throw up, I think she's gonna be suspicious.

I'll tell her. I'll tell her.

A woman!

What's so funny?
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm just having a little trouble
picturing it, that's all.

I mean, what do you do with her?

Listen, Jodie, it just so happens
I might be a latent heterosexual.

Oh, really?
Yeah.

Oh, and what makes
you think you have these heterosexual tendencies?

Just because you're not
crazy about Bette Midler?

Look, it has nothing
to do with us.

I mean, it's just too risky.

You know, I've only got
a couple of years of pro ball left.

And after that, I've gotta
rely on making money from my endorsements.

I mean, if people found out I was a...
Homosexual!

Shh! Shh!

All right. All right.
I'm sorry. Sorry.

But I kind of
figured this was coming, so I worked out a solution.

What?
Well, it's a pretty big step.

Sex-change operation.

A sex-change operation?

[WHISTLES]

Which one of us?

Since you're the quarterback,
I guess it would be me.

You mean, you'd become a woman?

Mm-hm. The doctor said I would
look just like Jacqueline Bisset.

I don't know. This would
solve the problem, but...

But what?

The responsibility.
I don't want the responsibility.

What if it didn't work out
between us, if I left you?

I mean, you'd be stuck being
a woman, and I'd feel awful.

Oh, no, you wouldn't.
You'd be dead.

[

[

Chester. Chester,
what's the matter with you? You're a nervous wreck.

Of course I'm nervous,
Claire. I told you I didn't want to come here.

I cancelled a very
important business lunch to come here today.

Do you know how
embarrassing it would be

if the man I was to have
had lunch with walked in?

And who were you supposed
to have lunch with?

Matt Sloan.
Really?

How brave of him to join
you for lunch the day after open-heart surgery.

I mean, to come here,
wired up to all those machines.

What are you talking about,
Claire?

Matt Sloan.
Matt Sloan?

I said Marty Simms.

How can I have lunch
with Matt Sloan?

He's in intensive care,
for God's sake.

Do you think Mount Sinai lets you out
of intensive care for a lunch hour?

[LAUGHING]

Marty Simms?
Right.

Well, it must have been
very important.

I mean, since Marty Simms
is vacationing in the south of France,

this must have been
some important lunch.

That's right. That's precisely
how important it was.

Marty Simms was going to hop on
the Concorde to get here in time.

Crazy Marty.

Chester, I've been your secretary
for 12 years. You can't lie to me.

You were going
to have lunch with Pigeon.

Pigeon?

Oh, Claire, how many times
do I have to tell you?

Pigeon and I are through.

Save it, Chester.
I swear it, Claire. I swear it.

Chester, it's been 12 years
I've been doing things for you.

From now on, you're going
to be doing things for me.

The lovely condominium
that you bought me was just the beginning.

I need...
Claire, I really can't afford...

Chester, what you
really can't afford

is an investigation by the
Securities Exchange Commission.

I mean, that's what you
really can't afford, Chester.

Claire, Claire, Claire.

You little hothead, you.

All of this is unnecessary,
you know that.

It's you, my sweet.
It's always been you.

It always will be you.

Chester, you
double-crossing,

dirty, lying cheat.
Ah, ah! Miss Teitelbaum.

I was trying to reach you.
Your stock has...

Minor problem in her account.

She's so short that her stock...

I don't know what
you're thinking, but...

Now I know.

Well, so much for Pigeon.

Now, Chester, there is one
last thing I want you to do for me.

What's that?

Divorce Jessica.

What are you talking about,
Claire? I can't...

You've been saying you're
going to do it for 12 years. Now, think about it, Chester.

It's either me and a two-week
honeymoon in the Bahamas,

or Jessica and 10 to 20 in Attica.

So, Chester, what do you say?

What were the choices again?

[

I just love having tea.

I always feel like
such a lady having tea.

Of course, the way things
have been going lately,

it would take a great deal
more than tea to make me feel like a lady.

In fact, I wonder if I'll
ever feel like a lady again.

Jessie, don't you think
you ought to stop seeing him?

Somehow, I don't think
you're cut out for this.

Well, of course, you know,

Scarlett O' Hara
always felt like a lady, no matter what she did.

Jessie, what do you think?

Well, I think it was all the
hoop skirts and parasols.

I mean, how could you not
feel like a lady with all that?

Jessie.
Oh, Mary, I feel awful.

I am absolutely no good
at carrying on.

I mean, some people are
very good at it.

You know, they just go out
and have a good time. But not me.

I mean, when I go out
to have a good time,

I have a terrible time
having it.

Also, Corinne almost caught me
today in Peter's apartment.

No!
Mm.

But I very cleverly pretended
I was learning to serve.

Jessie, don't see him anymore.

For all you know, he could be
carrying on with a lot of women.

He could be carrying on
with Corinne.

Oh, Mary, don't be silly.
Corinne is a baby.

Jessie, Corinne is not a baby.

I heard Eunice say that Corinne
doesn't even come home at night.

That's because she refuses
to wear a watch.

She has...

Mary, I'm telling you, Corinne has
absolutely no sense of time.

You know, sometimes she
actually says "Good morning" when it's afternoon.

That's the way she is.
Absolutely no sense of time.

But a wonderful sense
of direction.

Jessie, that's not true.

Sugar, Mary?

Jessie, you know about Corinne.
Cream?

Jessie, Corinne sleeps out.

Lemon?
Jessica!

Jessie, you can't play
ostrich all the time.

Sometimes you have to
open your eyes and see what's going on in the world.

I know, Mary. I know.

And I would, if there were lovely,
beautiful things to look at.

But there aren't, Mary.

Jessie, life can't
always be beautiful.

It can. Mary, it can,
if you think it can.

Besides, even if Corinne
did wear a watch,

she probably wouldn't
come home at night.

You know, it's in her blood.

What are you talking about?

Mary, you know she's adopted.

Of course,
she doesn't know that.

But you remember
what her mother was like.

And frankly, I think she's inherited
the trait of staying out all night.

Somehow, I don't think
that's inherited, Jess.

I don't know why not.
Eye colour and money is.

Jessie, what are you gonna do?

Go to the bathroom.
It's the tea.

I don't know how
the English do it.

They must be up and down
every five minutes.

No. About Peter.

Oh, I'm never going
to see him again.

Really?
Really, never again.

Oh, good.
Jess, that's wise.

And I'm going to tell him, too,
just as soon as I see him.

Jessie, wait.

[

And this is my room.
Typical.

Those are hamsters.

No, I thought
they were water buffalo.

So, Molly, I haven't got
all the time in the world.

Are we going steady or what?

Not that it matters one way
or another. If it's not you, it's somebody else.

And why do we have to go steady?

Because everybody is.
It's no big deal.

Okay, fine. Forget it.

Well, I have to think about it.
What's there to think about?

Well, I don't know
if I want to get tied down.

Fine, forget it.

Well, this isn't a yes, but if we
were to happen to go steady, what exactly do we do?

I told you. You wear something
of mine and that's it.

What, shoes?
No, a ring or a bracelet.

Do you have one?
No.

Listen, I think next time
you ask a girl to go steady,

you should prepare
a little for it.

Wait, I got it.

You can wear this on a chain.

What is it?
That's a genuine shark's tooth.

Gross! Haven't you
got something gold?

What's wrong with the tooth?

I mean, Judy has Eric's ring
and Tracy has Sam's football charm.

Stephanie has a silver
thingamajig from Ronnie.

Everybody's wearing
silver and gold.

And I'm not wearing
a tooth from a fish.

Okay, fine. I'll get you something.
And if I do, are you gonna wear it?

Well, I don't know.
What if I want to date other guys?

What are you talking about?
You don't even date.

And it doesn't mean
you can kiss me.

Who wants to kiss you?
I don't want to kiss you. Kissing is gross.

So, what's it gonna be?
I haven't got all day.

Hey, what's this?

I won it for swimming.
I'll take it.

My medal!
Yeah.

That's the medal
I won for swimming!

Do you want to go steady or not?

All right. All right.
You can keep it.

So does this mean
we're going steady now?

Yeah. See you.

My medal!

[

Oh, hi, Danny boy,
Am I glad you're here.

I started to make a sandwich,
I got a little carried away. You can share it with me.

Oh, if your mother saw
what I was making right before dinner, she'd kill me.

She always thinks
I'm gonna ruin my appetite.

[STAMMERING]

Danny, Danny, you did it.
You quit the Mob.

And you're giving me your gun.

Oh, I'm so proud of you,
Danny. So proud.

I can't believe this.
I can't believe what's going on here.

Not without the mayonnaise.
It's in the icebox.

Oh, I'm feeling so good.

I swear, I'm feeling so good.

If I could carry a tune,
I'd sing a song. Thank you very much.

What a wonderful day
this has turned out to be.

And I can't tell you
how happy I am about you and me, Danny.

If you think I'm happy,
you should see how happy your mother is.

Of course, she wouldn't
be happy if she saw the sandwich I was... Thank you.

You know, I think
it's all gonna work out.

I mean, so much
has happened today, so many wonderful things.

You know, I think today is
the happiest day of my life.

I know I already said that,
but it's just because I'm so happy.

And this, this looks terrific.

A terrific sandwich
for a terrific day.

Ah, it's almost ready.
And now, Danny, we're gonna have ourselves a treat, Danny.

Hi, Burt. Hi, Danny.
Hi.

Hi.

So see you later, Danny.
You bet.

I can't believe it.

If I didn't see it with my own eyes,
the difference in your relationship.

Oh, it's just night and day, Mary.
Just night and day.

[

ANNOUNCER:
Will Jessica and Corinne ever stop to wonder why

they're both learning to play tennis
in Peter's apartment?

Will Jessica leave Peter
and try to make her marriage work?

Will Chester leave Claire
and risk getting sent to jail?

Will Jodie get
a sex-change operation

and try to compete with
his boyfriend's girlfriend?

Will Burt get to eat his sandwich,
or will Danny kill him first?

These questions and many others
will be answered

on the next episode of Soap.

[

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