All language subtitles for Soap s01e01.eng

[]

ANNOUNCER:
This is the story of two sisters:

Jessica Tate and Mary Campbell.

Jessica lives in a neighbourhood
known as rich.

Jessica likes life.

The only thing about life
she would change, if she could,

is that she would set it all to music.

The Tates have more secrets
than they do money.

We're approaching
Mary Campbell's house.

Mary, too, likes life.

Unfortunately, life doesn't seem
to be too crazy about her.

As you can see, the Campbells
don't have nearly as much money as the Tates.

They do, however,
have as many secrets.

Our story begins early one morning
in Dunn's River, Connecticut.

[]

Good morning, Benson.

Isn't it a glorious morning?

Oh, I just love
mornings like this.

Birds sing, flowers grow,
all's right with the...

Benson, what are you cooking?

What does it look like
I'm cooking?

Well, it looks like eggs.

Good, then it's eggs.

Benson, the doctor said no eggs.

Mr. Tate's cholesterol level
is quite high. Eggs could kill him.

Hmm.

Therefore, we don't want
to cook eggs, do we?

We do.

Benson, Benson, Benson.

What am I gonna do with you?
Such a mind of your own.

Well, I suppose just
this morning it won't hurt.

In fact, let's make something
really special for the whole...

Let's make eggs Benedict.

Eggs Benedict?
You get out of here.

We'll surprise everyone.

I'll help.

Oh, for the dinner party tonight,

I think I'd like for you
to make beef Wellington.

Forget it.
Why?

I don't like it.

But it's very good.
It's Mr. Tate's favourite.

It ain't mine.

I don't like it,
so I ain't making it.

I'm making fish.
Mr. Tate hates fish.

I know.

Well, then why
are you making it?

Because I like fish
more than I like Mr. Tate.

[]

Sweetheart,
we went over this last night.

I cannot spend
the weekend with you.

How could I explain it
to Jessica?

I do want to be with you.
All the time.

Yes, my little sweet potato.

Sweet potato? What?

No, no, sweet-potato futures
are much too risky.

Just stick with your blue chips.

The market will move
quite sharply. Right.

Right.

Goodbye.

Chester, business so early
in the morning?

You work too hard, dear.

Well, somebody has to,
the way this family spends money.

Can't, Jessica.
Carbohydrates.

Chester, I waited up
for you last night.

I hardly ever get
to see you anymore.

I worked late. Told you.

Till 2:30?
Didn't you hear?

What?
Wasn't it on the news?

No.

What wasn't on the news?

Accident.

Big accident on the expressway.

Oh?
A hog truck overturned.

A hog truck?
Mm.

Biggest mess I have ever seen.

Traffic didn't move for hours.

Dead hogs all over the road.

Oh, my. Chester, I, uh...

I know it's morning and it is...

It is light out and everything,
but I...

I was just thinking, Chester,
maybe we could, uh...

Some other time, Jess.
I'm exhausted.

From lifting all those hogs.

Lifting them?
Well, I had to, Jess.

I couldn't just sit there
in my car

and let some old farmer
move 40 dead hogs

off the southbound lane
all by himself.

Chester, I mean, I just never
thought about you moving them.

I had to move them, Jess.
If I hadn't moved them, uh...

The fire trucks couldn't
have gotten through.

Fire trucks?
Right. To put out the fire.

The fire?
Yes.

On the fuel truck that overturned.

Chester, a fuel truck overturned?
Yes.

When the hog truck hit it.
You see,

the hog truck hit the fuel truck,
which burst into flames.

And it needed the fire truck,
which couldn't get through until I moved the hogs.

And that's why
I'm so tired, Jessica.

[]

Where is Corinne?
Hey, Eunice, this is my room.

Your sister stole
my new lavender scarf.

She's not your sister?

She probably stayed out
all night again.

Hey, listen, no aggravation, huh?

Tonight I have my first date.
I also have a pimple.

Now, what I'd like
to know is, why me?

Why not you or anybody else
in this crazy family?

Everyone in this house is,
one way or another,

totally deficient as a human being,
and I get the zit.

Well, maybe it's because
you have the dirty mind.

Eunice, blow it out your ears.

Good morning, major.
Hi, Gramps.

Do you read this filth?

No, Eunice, I look at the pictures.

How can you even bring it
into the house?

Because I like it, Eunice.
I like naked ladies.

I like to look at them.
I like to be near them.

And someday, Eunice,
given the opportunity,

I would like to touch them.

You're sick.
Fine, I'm sick.

Coming from a person
who has never seen herself nude,

I take that with
a grain of salt.

You know, you and Corinne
are both exactly the same.

You're both perverts.

Good morning, Benson.

Here it is.
Ah, Benson, you're terrific.

Ah, it works for everything.
Does it work for pimples?

Well, it's hard to say because
it's not actually for pimples.

You see, we don't get pimples.

God said,
"I won't give them pimples,

I'll just screw up their hair."

Thanks a lot, Benson.

Only one in this family
worth a damn.

[MUTTERING]

[]

Yes, capo, tell godfather not to worry.
I can arrange everything.

[SPEAKING IN ITALIAN]

[WHISTLING]

Morning.

[SPEAKS IN ITALIAN]

What are you eating?
Froot Loops.

Listen, Danny, I've been wanting
to have a little talk with you.

Shoot.

Now, I know I'm not your father...
Right.

But I am your stepfather and,
I like to think, your buddy.

All right, all right,
okay, all right.

We haven't been such
great buddies up till now,

but there's no reason
we can't start. Danny, I'm worried.

We all know what you're doing.

It's no secret.
We weren't born yesterday.

I hear those phone calls
in Sicilian. Stop.

Stop before it's too late.
Stop before somebody gets hurt.

Well, I'm sure
plenty of people got hurt already.

Stop before you get blood
on your hands. Real blood.

Or more blood, if you've already
got some. I don't know, Danny...

Danny, leave that
bunch of Italian gangsters.

There is no bunch!
Boy, it gets me mad.

Everyone's always
picking on the Italians.

Anytime they find
a dead guy in Brooklyn, right away it's the Italians.

They find a body in the trunk
of a guy's car, it's the Italians.

Well, I'm sick of it.
I'm sick, sick, sick!

But you're not even Italian.
Don't tell me I'm not Italian!

You're not Italian!

Oh, yeah?
Yeah.

Listen, Burt, if you
don't leave me alone,

you're gonna be in big trouble.
Oh, yeah?

Yeah.
Yeah? What kind of big trouble?

This kind of trouble.

See this?
This is your head.

Oh, yeah?
Yeah.

Watch this.

This is your neck.

Okay.

How about this?

This is your spine.

These are your brains.

And this is your head.

You already did my head,
you jerk.

This is your heart.

You think you're so tough.

How about this?

That was your body.

MARY:
Jodie, breakfast is ready.

Shh. Be quiet, now.
It's your mother.

If she didn't love you...

If she didn't love you so much,
I swear I'd kill you, Burt.

[BURT & DANNY LAUGHING]

Funny, funny story.

Remind me never to serve
you guys breakfast in bed.

Yeah, well, somebody must've
left a window open last night,

and a cat got in.
A cat.

Or maybe a monkey.
A monkey?

Yeah. They can wreck a place.
Ever see their cage at the zoo?

A monkey in Connecticut.

It could happen.
Yeah, sure.

[SINGS "OH, WHAT
A BEAUTIFUL MORNING"]

Hi, big brother.
Hi, little brother.

Why don't you offer him
some Froot Loops? It'd be very appropriate.

Listen, you animal.

I told you before,
my brother is not a fruit.

He's a practical joker,
with a wonderful sense of humour.

[GROANS]

He likes to make people laugh.

Hey, hey, that's enough.
Put your father down.

Stepfather.

Just put him down.

This is like having breakfast
with the Marx brothers.

Now, this morning,
I want some peace and quiet.

Nobody calls anybody a fruit,

an animal, a jerk, anything.

Well, I'm late.
I gotta go change.

So you won't hear
the word "animal" out of me.

[GROANS]

And I've gotta get to work, Mom,
so you won't hear the word "fruit" out of him. Bye. Bye, Burt.

Bye.

Burt, I think it's time
we had a talk.

About what?

Darling, something's
been troubling you.

You just haven't
been yourself lately.

Well, it's the boys.
I don't think we're getting along.

I know you want them to like you,
Burt, but that's not the problem.

I mean, I know it's been rough
on them, what with their father committing suicide,

us getting married, but still I thought
they could replace my own sons.

That's not the problem, Burt.
That's not it.

Are you kidding? Not seeing
my own sons for 15 years.

Do you know how hard that is?

I know, but that's not it.

Fifteen years since she took
my kids and moved to Hawaii

because she decides
I don't have enough class.

She can do better.
So she moves to Hawaii?

That's where she's gonna
find class? Forget about it.

I've got news for you.
You know what she found?

A bunch of short, fat guys wearing
loud shirts, that's what she found.

Burt...
So she moves to Hawaii.

The music alone is enough
to keep you away from that island.

That's not it.
That's not the problem, Burt.

Your ex-wife is not the problem.

What do you mean?
It's not just my wife.

What about your sister and her
family? They're not a problem?

The high and mighty Tates
looking down on me because I work with my hands?

That jerk Chester in his tweeds.

A man who'll jump
on anything with a pulse,

and he's got class.

And that's why I'm not going
there for dinner tonight.

You are going there
for dinner tonight, Burt.

Chester and Jessica
are not the problem.

All right, I'll go.
But only because I love you.

I love you, Mary.

And I haven't been able
to make love to you.

That's the problem.

Well, now, I've given you
all the reasons.

Those are not the reasons.

Sure, they're the reasons
I lie in bed troubled over all those things.

Burt, all those things have been
going on for a long time.

They're not suddenly
the reasons.

They're not?
They're not.

I was sure they were.
Burt, listen.

When you're ready to talk,
I'll be here.

And I'll understand,
I promise you.

I love you.

So there's nothing in the world
so terrible that I wouldn't understand.

There's nothing
you wouldn't understand.

I could tell you anything

and there's nothing you
wouldn't understand. I love you.

[MUTTERS]

How can I tell you your husband
didn't commit suicide?

That he didn't kill himself?

That he was a criminal
who did terrible things

and I killed him out of love for you.
How in the world can I tell you

I killed your husband
and you'd understand? Pfft!

[]

[]

Where are Billy and Corinne?

I want us all to have
breakfast together this morning like a real family.

Corinne never
comes home, Mother.

I mean, does anyone even know
if Corinne is still living in this house?

Oh, don't be silly, dear.
Of course she's living here. Her mail comes here.

Good morning, Benson.
No, thank you.

Just coffee, Benson.

Dear, it's eggs Benedict.

Jessica, do you know
the cholesterol count of that?

You might just as well
get a gun and put it to my head.

Now you're talking.

Benson, did you put
sugar in this?

Is it sweet?
Very.

Then I guess I did.

Benson, how many times
do I have to tell you

I am a diabetic?
I can't have sugar.

Oh, I keep thinking
it's salt you can't have.

I can't have salt either.
There ain't no salt in there.

Just get me another cup, please.
And this time don't put anything in it.

Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad.
Hi, smiley. Grow up.

Bye, Dad, bye, Mom.
Bye, bubbles.

JESSICA: Billy, breakfast.
I can't, Mom. I'm late for school.

Anyway the major's
still in the shower. If I leave now

I won't get caught
in the crossfire.

Benson.

Is this some kind of
black humour?

This cup is empty.

You said,
"Don't put anything in it."

Just give me coffee, please.

Do you realise that Benson
has not said one word to me

in 12 years?

Well, dear, it's just that
you have such different interests.

[GUNFIRE IN DISTANCE]

Dad's shooting
at Mr. Kirby again.

Really, Daddy, you ought
to put that old man away. He is crazy.

Eunice, your grandfather
suffered a severe shock in the war

but he's not crazy.
Here we go, Dad.

At ease, men.

Everyone,
say good morning to the major.

Good morning, major.
Good morning, major.

After breakfast, boy,
maybe you'll sing a little song for me.

Uh, Daddy.
Daddy?

Dear, we don't
call them "boy."

What do you call them?
"Boogies"?

No, Daddy.
His name is Benson.

If my gun hadn't jammed,
I'd have got him this time.

Damn German patrol parties.

No, it isn't the patrol party, Dad,
it's our neighbour, it's Mr. Kirby.

You expect me to believe
our neighbour is a Nazi?

Of course he's not a Nazi,
he just drives a Mercedes.

Colonel, who is this woman?

What I'd like to know is,
where does he get the bullets?

Baby, it's time to go.
Yes, Daddy.

JESSICA:
Goodbye, darling.

Chester, please try
to come home early tonight for dinner,

Mary and Burt
and the boys are coming.

Why are they coming?

That's what I say.
Why are they coming?

This family is
bad enough, they're worse.

Shut up, Benson!

Hey, boy.
Sing a little song for me.

Come on, boy.

[SINGING
"MY OLD KENTUCKY HOME"]

Daddy.
I know.

Nobody ate any eggs.
Oh.

Benson, perhaps on
your day off, you'd like to take them home.

Oh, I'd sure like that, Miss Tate.

We just loves 3-day-old eggs
Benedict down in the ghetto.

The little children
can use them for hockey pucks.

Hi, Ma.
JESSICA: Hello, Corinne.

Hi, Major.

Is it true you didn't
come home last night?

Your sister said
you didn't come home.

Ah. It's true, Ma. It's true.

Well, who were you out with?
You don't know him.

Neither do you.

Uh, I couldn't help it, Ma.
You see, there was this, uh...

Accident.
Another accident?

Yeah, uh...

Turkey truck overturned
and there were these turkeys

all over the road.

Turkeys and hogs,
all in one night.

No hogs, Ma, just turkeys.

No, your father's was hogs.

Hogs and turkeys, my, my!

[LAUGHING]

Must have been a
terrible night for the farmers.

Well, I'm gonna
get some sleep. I'm wiped out.

Well, I guess I'll go
for my tennis lesson.

Bye.

[WHISTLES]

Boom!

[]

Oh, my God, oh, my God.

How could I do this to Chester?
Sweet, wonderful Chester

who thinks I'm here
improving my backhand.

What time is it?
Oh, uh, almost noon.

I'm afraid I have to go soon.

I have to meet my sister for lunch.
All right.

Oh, Chester,
sweet, wonderful Chester.

Who's Chester?
My husband.

It would kill him
if he knew about this.

So don't tell him.
He'll know.

I mean, he will take
one look at my face and he'll know.

Does my face
look any different to you?

No.
Good.

Come on.

Good old Chester's probably
boffed a secretary or two in his day.

"Boffed"?

Yeah, Chester's a guy.

What is "boffed"?

It's wha... It's what
we just did, sweetheart.

Oh, I... I didn't know
you called it that.

To "boff."

That sounds like a name
you'd give a puppy.

Here, Boff.
Here, Boff.

I mean, I just never
heard that before, you know.

I bet Chester hasn't either.

You know, when Chester says to me,
"Jessica, what did you do today?"

I bet I could say to him,
"Oh, I boffed,"

and he wouldn't even know
what I was talking about, heh.

Uh, don't try it.

You probably do this, uh,
all the time

but I've never done this before.
What?

Well, I mean of course,
being married I have done this.

But I mean,
it's always been with Chester.

See, I always thought it would be
more or less the same.

But it is different with you.

Well, I mean, basically
it's the same activity.

Look, babe, I've got another
lesson and you've got to go meet your friend for lunch.

My sister.
Your sister, right.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Hey, not that door.
That's my 12:30 lesson.

The back door.
For your protection, you know.

Chester.
Chester.

Bye.
Bye.

[KNOCKING CONTINUES]

[KNOCKING ON BACK DOOR]

[WHISPERING] What?
Uh, thank you.

Don't mention it.

PETER:
Corinne, hi.

Hi.

[]

[]

ANNOUNCER:
Will Jessica find out about Corinne and Peter?

Will Corinne find out
about Jessica and Peter?

Will Burt tell Mary
he killed her first husband?

Will Billy's zit disappear
before his first date?

Will Benson make fish?

These questions and many others

will be answered
on the next episode of:

Soap.

[]

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