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1
00:00:00,220 --> 00:00:00,540
"(CLASSICAL MUSIC)"
2
00:00:00,541 --> 00:00:04,460
"The person you are calling knows you
are waiting. Please hold the line."
3
00:00:04,580 --> 00:00:06,900
"(CLASSICAL MUSIC)"
4
00:00:08,460 --> 00:00:11,180
"Your call is important to us.
Please hold the line."
5
00:00:13,700 --> 00:00:17,500
"The person you are calling knows you
are waiting. Please hold the line."
6
00:00:17,620 --> 00:00:19,660
"(CLASSICAL MUSIC)"
7
00:00:19,860 --> 00:00:25,300
"Your call is important to us. Please
hold -" "Environment and Communities Department. How can I help you?"
8
00:00:25,500 --> 00:00:29,900
Yeah, I'm calling
about a noisy neighbour. "OK, can you give me some details?"
9
00:00:30,060 --> 00:00:33,500
Er, yeah, it's been going on for,
like four nights.
10
00:00:33,620 --> 00:00:35,540
Erm, not sleeping.
11
00:00:35,740 --> 00:00:40,740
I'm a cab driver so I'm going to work
feeling shattered which isn't good, is it? "Uh-huh."
12
00:00:40,900 --> 00:00:43,580
"And what sort of noise is it?"
It's a baby.
13
00:00:43,700 --> 00:00:45,620
"Erm, right."
14
00:00:45,820 --> 00:00:51,660
"OK, we can't actually do anything
about babies as that's classed more as an ordinary domestic noise."
15
00:00:51,780 --> 00:00:53,580
What are you talking about?
16
00:00:53,700 --> 00:00:55,780
"It's a baby, sir."
17
00:00:55,940 --> 00:00:58,300
Yeah, I know but noise is noise
surely.
18
00:00:58,500 --> 00:01:02,180
"If it was loud music
or a dog barking, I'd be able to do something but..."
19
00:01:02,300 --> 00:01:05,220
I-I don't understand though. Why?
20
00:01:05,340 --> 00:01:07,580
"Because it's a baby."
21
00:01:07,740 --> 00:01:11,820
Yeah, you keep saying that but babies
can just do what they want, can they?
22
00:01:11,940 --> 00:01:14,100
They've got a different rule book?
23
00:01:14,300 --> 00:01:18,020
Loud music is not allowed
but if the baby wants loud music, is that all right?
24
00:01:18,140 --> 00:01:19,620
It can just do what it wants.
25
00:01:19,780 --> 00:01:22,100
We can't upset the baby.
Jesus, I'm sick of it!
26
00:01:33,300 --> 00:01:35,780
'(BABY CRYING)'
27
00:01:41,620 --> 00:01:47,100
It's a shame that babies don't come
in, like, a vibrate mode like mobiles do.
28
00:01:47,300 --> 00:01:51,580
Let the owners know there's a
problem without everyone else having to put up with it.
29
00:01:51,740 --> 00:01:55,180
'(BABY CRIES)'
Noisy little bastard.
30
00:01:55,380 --> 00:02:01,540
The mum's got to be deaf.
That's the only explanation, isn't it?
31
00:02:01,740 --> 00:02:06,980
Doesn't stop.
I honestly don't know, like, how the human race isn't extinct
32
00:02:07,140 --> 00:02:09,460
if babies have always made
that racket.
33
00:02:09,620 --> 00:02:13,260
Think about it. Going back thousands
of years when we all lived in caves
34
00:02:13,420 --> 00:02:15,300
and you had a baby
making that racket.
35
00:02:15,460 --> 00:02:18,700
That's basically like an
ice-cream-van chime going off
36
00:02:18,820 --> 00:02:20,700
to some sabre-toothed tiger.
37
00:02:20,860 --> 00:02:23,020
"Oh, hello. Lunch is in there.
Tuck in."
38
00:02:23,140 --> 00:02:25,260
'(BABY CRIES)'
39
00:02:25,380 --> 00:02:26,820
Ridiculous!
40
00:02:28,860 --> 00:02:31,140
'(BABY CRIES)'
41
00:02:39,740 --> 00:02:43,260
Listen to it. It's like living
next door to fucking Tarzan.
42
00:02:44,260 --> 00:02:45,660
(TOILET FLUSHES)
43
00:02:45,820 --> 00:02:48,700
Oh, I'm so glad you're back.
Jesus Christ!
44
00:02:48,860 --> 00:02:53,540
What are you doing?
Well, I dozed off. The bulb blew.
45
00:02:53,740 --> 00:02:58,060
I didn't want to try climb out.
I was worried I'd slip. How long have you been there?
46
00:02:58,180 --> 00:03:00,580
Since about eight.
47
00:03:00,740 --> 00:03:04,100
That's, like, three hours ago.
Come on, let's be getting you out.
48
00:03:04,260 --> 00:03:07,220
But no peeking.
Yeah, honestly, I won't be peeking.
49
00:03:07,420 --> 00:03:11,820
I'm not sleeping at night as it is
without having a naked image of you in my head.
50
00:03:16,300 --> 00:03:18,820
To the civic centre, yeah?
Yeah.
51
00:03:18,940 --> 00:03:21,180
(BABY WHIMPERS)
52
00:03:22,260 --> 00:03:24,780
(BABY CRIES)
53
00:03:26,620 --> 00:03:30,180
Do you mind if we stop off
to pick up a friend? No problem.
54
00:03:30,340 --> 00:03:31,780
(BABY CRIES)
55
00:03:33,180 --> 00:03:34,980
Why would anyone want one of them?
56
00:03:36,140 --> 00:03:40,140
Have they got an allocation of noise
that they've got to let out every day?
57
00:03:40,260 --> 00:03:42,180
Why is it so upset?
58
00:03:42,300 --> 00:03:45,500
It's OK, Mummy's here.
59
00:03:45,620 --> 00:03:47,220
(BABY SCREAMS)
60
00:03:48,820 --> 00:03:52,660
The crying system doesn't work
really cos what is wrong with it?
61
00:03:52,820 --> 00:03:56,540
Does it need winding? Is it hungry?
Has it shat itself?
62
00:03:56,740 --> 00:04:01,420
(BABY CRIES)
That noise it's making is way over the top for any of those problems.
63
00:04:01,620 --> 00:04:05,780
That sounds like it's found out
its family has been wiped out by a tsunami.
64
00:04:05,900 --> 00:04:07,660
It's had the worst news ever.
65
00:04:07,780 --> 00:04:10,740
Here she is, just over there.
66
00:04:10,900 --> 00:04:13,620
Another one's getting in now
as well.
67
00:04:21,100 --> 00:04:25,460
Are you all right? How you doing?
Yeah, good.
68
00:04:28,780 --> 00:04:33,220
(BABY CRIES) Aw!
Grouchy today but good. How's yours?
69
00:04:33,420 --> 00:04:37,220
How long do you think it will be
before that one joins in? Place your bets.
70
00:04:38,260 --> 00:04:39,940
(SECOND BABY CRIES)
71
00:04:44,500 --> 00:04:48,420
Have they met up to see whose baby
can make the most noise or what?
72
00:04:49,700 --> 00:04:52,820
I don't know where they get
the energy from for it.
73
00:04:52,980 --> 00:04:55,660
It's holding a note longer
than Mariah Carey.
74
00:04:55,820 --> 00:04:58,340
Not even breathing.
It's just one continuous...
75
00:04:58,460 --> 00:05:00,380
How's it doing it?
76
00:05:00,580 --> 00:05:04,900
I'm a fully-grown man with big lungs
and I don't think I could match that.
77
00:05:05,020 --> 00:05:06,940
Watch this. Let's give it a go.
78
00:05:07,100 --> 00:05:14,260
Waaa-aaa-aaa-aa!
(BABIES CRY)
79
00:05:14,380 --> 00:05:16,820
Shut the fuck up!
80
00:05:19,260 --> 00:05:22,180
Er, can you pull over
and let us out please?
81
00:05:27,860 --> 00:05:29,060
Sorry...
82
00:05:35,020 --> 00:05:39,260
You can't say that to a baby.
I know. They're potential future customers.
83
00:05:39,460 --> 00:05:43,620
I haven't been sleeping.
The neighbour's baby's been at it all night.
84
00:05:43,780 --> 00:05:47,540
I don't care. You swore at those
babies. They pick up everything.
85
00:05:47,700 --> 00:05:49,820
They're like sponges.
Are they heck!
86
00:05:49,980 --> 00:05:53,380
If that's the case, why teach them
Humpty-fucking-Dumpty?
87
00:05:53,580 --> 00:05:57,980
Should be teaching them times tables
and how to wire a plug if their brain's that lively.
88
00:05:58,140 --> 00:06:00,820
Look, we've got to be seen
to be acting.
89
00:06:00,980 --> 00:06:03,860
You need to see someone
about those anger issues.
90
00:06:15,340 --> 00:06:17,420
(DISTANT CRYING) >
91
00:06:20,940 --> 00:06:23,300
(BABY CRYING)
92
00:06:33,500 --> 00:06:35,740
I don't like the idea of this.
93
00:06:36,780 --> 00:06:38,980
Can't trust therapists.
94
00:06:39,140 --> 00:06:41,660
We don't need anyone else
interfering.
95
00:06:41,820 --> 00:06:44,820
We can work everything out
on our own.
96
00:06:50,620 --> 00:06:53,780
Have you ever told other babies to,
"Shut the fuck up"?
97
00:06:56,540 --> 00:07:01,580
I've thought it.
When you hear a baby screaming its tripe out, of course.
98
00:07:01,740 --> 00:07:05,180
"Oh, I love the sound of that."
It's a racket. So of course.
99
00:07:05,380 --> 00:07:09,820
In my head, I'm thinking,
"Shut the fuck up." But this time it slipped out.
100
00:07:09,980 --> 00:07:12,380
What do you think
brought this reaction on?
101
00:07:14,500 --> 00:07:17,820
The noise.
I couldn't take any more of it.
102
00:07:18,020 --> 00:07:21,980
I'd had one at home all night
keeping me awake so it just got too much.
103
00:07:22,140 --> 00:07:24,500
Your baby?
No.
104
00:07:24,660 --> 00:07:29,100
God, no. I don't want a baby.
I don't want one of them in my life.
105
00:07:29,300 --> 00:07:33,740
Do you feel that strongly about it?
Look at him sat there, writing everything down.
106
00:07:33,860 --> 00:07:35,740
This is Columbo.
107
00:07:36,820 --> 00:07:42,260
Never say, "Never", and all that but
I'd say I'm 99 percent sure, yeah.
108
00:07:42,380 --> 00:07:44,700
99 percent.
109
00:07:44,860 --> 00:07:47,740
There's still a one percent chance
of it happening.
110
00:07:47,900 --> 00:07:52,180
Yeah, if you're looking at it that
way. Why have we got on to that now?
111
00:07:52,340 --> 00:07:56,020
I thought this was about telling
a baby to, "Shut the fuck up."
112
00:07:56,180 --> 00:07:58,540
I don't want a baby.
Is that a bad thing to say?
113
00:07:58,660 --> 00:08:01,020
You see, you might think that's odd.
114
00:08:01,220 --> 00:08:06,300
I think the people who should be
sat here are people who are thinking about having a kid.
115
00:08:06,420 --> 00:08:08,300
I just don't get it.
116
00:08:09,380 --> 00:08:12,980
Jesus! I don't like hummus.
Are we gonna discuss that?
117
00:08:13,180 --> 00:08:18,420
You're not as animated
when you talk about hummus as you are when you talk about babies.
118
00:08:19,300 --> 00:08:21,100
Look, I...
119
00:08:22,340 --> 00:08:27,020
The reason I split up with
my ex-girlfriend Zoe is because she started going down this road,
120
00:08:27,180 --> 00:08:30,020
started going on about having kids.
I never wanted it.
121
00:08:30,180 --> 00:08:34,660
That isn't why I went out with her.
It wasn't what I wanted in life.
122
00:08:34,780 --> 00:08:37,020
I liked her. I loved her.
123
00:08:37,180 --> 00:08:40,500
I didn't need this extra thing
to join us together.
124
00:08:40,660 --> 00:08:42,580
She kept going on about it.
125
00:08:42,780 --> 00:08:47,420
Her friends started having kids.
"Why aren't we having kids? It's what we're here for."
126
00:08:47,580 --> 00:08:51,820
"If we can have kids, we should have
them cos there's people who can't."
127
00:08:52,020 --> 00:08:57,140
I never understood that logic.
There people without fucking arms but I'm not gonna take up juggling.
128
00:08:57,300 --> 00:08:59,540
It's all she was with me for
towards the end.
129
00:08:59,700 --> 00:09:02,900
Just like
I was just a big ball of jizz.
130
00:09:03,020 --> 00:09:05,300
You either want them or you don't
131
00:09:05,420 --> 00:09:08,380
and I haven't got the urge for it.
132
00:09:08,580 --> 00:09:13,220
I just can't picture myself
getting up in the middle of the night, dealing with it,
133
00:09:13,340 --> 00:09:15,620
taking it for a walk in a pram.
134
00:09:15,780 --> 00:09:18,860
It's just not me.
I can't see it in my head.
135
00:09:19,060 --> 00:09:23,540
Do you think the voice in your head
sometimes gets in the way of what you want out of life?
136
00:09:23,660 --> 00:09:25,260
Here we go.
137
00:09:28,860 --> 00:09:30,700
I dunno.
138
00:09:30,820 --> 00:09:32,460
You're scared
139
00:09:32,620 --> 00:09:36,500
because your brain's telling you all
the bad things that might happen.
140
00:09:36,660 --> 00:09:40,940
You need to block those thoughts
out, confront the fear.
141
00:09:41,100 --> 00:09:44,940
I want you to challenge yourself
to do something you're afraid of.
142
00:09:45,060 --> 00:09:48,260
Don't put it off, just get it done.
143
00:09:48,420 --> 00:09:53,220
The inner self can be helpful
but sometimes it can be a handicap.
144
00:09:53,340 --> 00:09:55,620
Cheeky bastard.
145
00:10:00,450 --> 00:10:00,690
"(CLASSICAL MUSIC)"
146
00:10:09,530 --> 00:10:11,650
This is you confronting the fear?
147
00:10:11,770 --> 00:10:14,010
Doing a sperm test.
148
00:10:15,130 --> 00:10:19,770
I don't understand you.
When Zoe asked you to do one, you poo-pooed the idea.
149
00:10:19,970 --> 00:10:24,610
You didn't want to know.
You started coming up with excuses, saying you were wankaphobic.
150
00:10:24,770 --> 00:10:27,370
I don't know what's changed.
How much is it?
151
00:10:27,490 --> 00:10:29,050
?15.
152
00:10:29,170 --> 00:10:31,610
?15 for one go?
153
00:10:31,730 --> 00:10:33,690
It's multi-use.
154
00:10:33,810 --> 00:10:35,730
99 percent accurate.
155
00:10:35,890 --> 00:10:40,050
99... Well, one percent of the price
should come off straight away, then.
156
00:10:40,210 --> 00:10:42,890
Taking the piss.
I don't know why you are doing this.
157
00:10:43,090 --> 00:10:47,610
It says that a good sperm count
is around 200 million. That's a lot, isn't it?
158
00:10:47,730 --> 00:10:49,810
Is that what it says? That is a lot.
159
00:10:50,010 --> 00:10:54,690
It's like having the population of
Brazil swimming round your bollocks. Mental, that.
160
00:10:59,250 --> 00:11:01,210
I'll just have that, please.
161
00:11:01,330 --> 00:11:02,530
Sperm test kit.
162
00:11:02,650 --> 00:11:05,010
?14.95, please.
163
00:11:07,010 --> 00:11:08,770
Are you trying for a family?
164
00:11:08,890 --> 00:11:11,610
Er, you know, maybe.
165
00:11:11,730 --> 00:11:14,770
Families are important.
166
00:11:16,810 --> 00:11:19,970
Toilet here. Why don't you
get in there and knock one out?
167
00:11:20,170 --> 00:11:24,890
You're not gonna be able to do it
at home with Norma about. I'm trying to encourage you here.
168
00:11:25,090 --> 00:11:29,330
That shrink said I always get
in the way of you doing things. No time like the present.
169
00:11:30,490 --> 00:11:31,650
Thanks.
170
00:11:31,770 --> 00:11:33,250
Come on.
171
00:11:34,330 --> 00:11:37,570
In here. No, that's a storage
cupboard. All right, sorry.
172
00:11:37,730 --> 00:11:40,010
No problem. No problem.
I saw the sign.
173
00:11:41,730 --> 00:11:45,290
Do you want to do that test? What?
We have a bathroom up the stairs.
174
00:11:45,410 --> 00:11:46,730
No...
175
00:11:46,890 --> 00:11:49,850
No problem at all. Please, please
come. Least I can do.
176
00:11:50,970 --> 00:11:55,410
Is that OK? Yeah, yeah, no problem.
It's just I live with my auntie.
177
00:11:55,570 --> 00:11:57,810
I understand.
I don't get any privacy.
178
00:11:57,970 --> 00:12:00,570
Have you used that kit before?
No, no.
179
00:12:00,730 --> 00:12:03,530
It's very simple.
The sperm goes in the pot.
180
00:12:03,730 --> 00:12:09,170
Put the sample in the bottle
and it will be ready in five minutes.
181
00:12:09,330 --> 00:12:11,130
OK.
Here is the bathroom.
182
00:12:11,250 --> 00:12:13,810
Thanks. I'll try not to be too long.
183
00:12:15,890 --> 00:12:17,650
Arjun!
184
00:12:17,770 --> 00:12:20,090
Yeah, a customer.
185
00:12:20,250 --> 00:12:22,970
What do we have here?
He's doing a test.
186
00:12:23,090 --> 00:12:26,130
(UNCLEAR SPEECH)
187
00:12:26,290 --> 00:12:29,050
I'll leave it. I'll leave it.
No. Please, you stay.
188
00:12:29,210 --> 00:12:32,890
Stop bringing strangers up here.
Patients.
189
00:12:33,010 --> 00:12:35,210
You're not a doctor, just a chemist.
190
00:12:35,370 --> 00:12:39,690
This is what happens once you have
kids. I bet they were happy once.
191
00:12:39,850 --> 00:12:42,970
It's the worst thing you can do.
Honestly. Learn from this.
192
00:12:43,130 --> 00:12:46,250
Forget the test.
Keep the sperm in your bollocks.
193
00:12:46,410 --> 00:12:49,650
That's the best point of your life,
that, being in there.
194
00:12:49,850 --> 00:12:53,890
That's when you are most happiest,
swimming about in there. None of this.
195
00:12:54,050 --> 00:12:57,330
You hear about people saying
they had a tough life.
196
00:12:57,490 --> 00:13:00,530
No-one's ever had a tough beginning
as a sperm.
197
00:13:00,690 --> 00:13:04,930
It's when you come out when it all
turns to shit. (MOBILE RINGS)
198
00:13:06,010 --> 00:13:08,530
Hello. "Where are you?"
"Why, what is it?"
199
00:13:08,730 --> 00:13:13,210
"Will you please come home?
I need you here now." Thanks anyway. What's happened?
200
00:13:22,490 --> 00:13:24,250
'(BABY CRYING)'
201
00:13:30,530 --> 00:13:32,730
(BABY CRYING)
202
00:13:35,050 --> 00:13:37,330
What's going on?
What's that doing here?
203
00:13:37,490 --> 00:13:41,170
Lesley, next door, was exhausted.
I told her I'd give her a break.
204
00:13:41,330 --> 00:13:43,970
Where's the dad?
Jesus, does it ever shut up?
205
00:13:44,090 --> 00:13:45,930
Yeah, when the batteries run out.
206
00:13:46,050 --> 00:13:47,490
What are you talking about?
207
00:13:47,610 --> 00:13:50,410
It's not real. It's a training baby.
208
00:13:50,570 --> 00:13:54,290
Lesley was learning to be a nanny
but it wasn't for her.
209
00:13:54,450 --> 00:13:58,610
It's been a toy that's been keeping
me awake all week. It's not a toy.
210
00:13:58,810 --> 00:14:03,090
(TOY DOLL CRIES) I know why she's
exhausted. I've had it for an hour and I am worn out.
211
00:14:03,290 --> 00:14:07,010
Where is the volume control
or the on-and-off button? There isn't any.
212
00:14:07,210 --> 00:14:11,770
The only way to stop it from crying
is to feed it, burp it and change its shitty nappies.
213
00:14:11,930 --> 00:14:14,930
Would you take it out?
I'm getting a migraine.
214
00:14:15,090 --> 00:14:18,690
She's had a bit of time off. I'll
take it back to her. She's not there.
215
00:14:18,850 --> 00:14:23,290
Why? Well, she told me she went
to The Arches with her friends.
216
00:14:23,490 --> 00:14:29,130
She's gone clubbing? That's what she
thinks she can do when she's meant to be looking after someone's kid?
217
00:14:29,250 --> 00:14:31,130
She is one cheeky cow!
218
00:14:35,450 --> 00:14:38,650
(TOY BABY CRIES)
219
00:14:38,810 --> 00:14:41,930
I don't need this.
I'm supposed to be having a jostle.
220
00:14:47,490 --> 00:14:49,050
What are you doing?
221
00:14:51,170 --> 00:14:53,050
(TOY BABY CRIES)
222
00:14:54,890 --> 00:14:57,530
Wind it. It might need winding.
223
00:14:57,650 --> 00:14:59,930
(TOY BABY CRIES)
224
00:15:01,010 --> 00:15:05,370
What's wrong with the little shit?
Swearing in front of a baby again.
225
00:15:06,890 --> 00:15:10,050
Swearing should be the first thing
you teach a baby.
226
00:15:10,210 --> 00:15:13,010
It'd probably cry less
if it knew how to swear.
227
00:15:13,210 --> 00:15:17,770
I'd much prefer to hear a baby say,
"I need fucking winding. I need fucking feeding."
228
00:15:17,890 --> 00:15:20,370
"Oh, shit, I've shat myself again."
229
00:15:20,490 --> 00:15:22,570
(TOY BABY WHIMPERS SOFTLY)
230
00:15:32,490 --> 00:15:34,890
(PEOPLE CHATTERING) >
231
00:15:44,290 --> 00:15:46,610
Excuse me. Excuse me.
232
00:15:46,770 --> 00:15:49,610
Can you just make a bit of gap
to get through.
233
00:15:49,730 --> 00:15:52,490
Sorry. Cheers.
234
00:15:52,650 --> 00:15:55,290
Cheers.
Is that a baby? No way!
235
00:15:55,410 --> 00:15:57,130
Excuse me, mate.
236
00:15:57,250 --> 00:16:00,010
Excuse me. Can you move over a bit?
237
00:16:01,290 --> 00:16:03,770
Have you got room for two more in?
238
00:16:05,290 --> 00:16:06,890
Sorry, it's underage.
239
00:16:07,050 --> 00:16:10,050
I just want to get it back
to its owner.
240
00:16:10,210 --> 00:16:13,090
You're wearing jeans and trainers.
They're not allowed.
241
00:16:13,250 --> 00:16:15,450
What's wrong with jeans and trainers?
Next!
242
00:16:16,690 --> 00:16:20,930
What's wrong with jeans and trainers?
He's wearing a fucking bin-bag!
243
00:16:25,250 --> 00:16:27,530
(TOY BABY CRIES)
244
00:16:27,650 --> 00:16:30,650
What's wrong now? Shh-shh-shh.
245
00:16:31,690 --> 00:16:34,530
(SIGHS) I haven't got time for this.
246
00:16:48,290 --> 00:16:50,010
Shh-shh-shh-shh.
247
00:16:53,050 --> 00:16:55,410
What's wrong with you, eh?
248
00:16:55,530 --> 00:16:57,410
What is it now?
249
00:16:57,530 --> 00:16:59,090
Stop here.
250
00:16:59,250 --> 00:17:02,450
I think it's a faulty one.
No real baby cries this much.
251
00:17:03,530 --> 00:17:06,930
Depressed. You've got a depressed
one, a bipolar one.
252
00:17:07,130 --> 00:17:12,570
You've winded it. It doesn't need
winding. It needs fucking counselling. It's mental.
253
00:17:16,770 --> 00:17:19,930
Quietening down a bit.
Is that what it was?
254
00:17:20,050 --> 00:17:23,010
All right, happy?
255
00:17:23,170 --> 00:17:26,530
Yeah? That's happy. You're happy.
Let's go find its mam.
256
00:17:26,650 --> 00:17:28,690
Come on, Super Nanny.
257
00:17:32,730 --> 00:17:34,330
(DANCE MUSIC)
258
00:17:48,130 --> 00:17:49,850
What are you doing here?
259
00:17:55,530 --> 00:17:57,170
Is that her over there?
260
00:18:04,890 --> 00:18:07,010
Are you Lesley?
261
00:18:07,130 --> 00:18:08,410
Yeah!
262
00:18:10,050 --> 00:18:14,450
Who are you?
Your fucking babysitter!
263
00:18:14,610 --> 00:18:18,410
You left it with my auntie.
What are you playing at? Over there.
264
00:18:25,050 --> 00:18:28,890
Dealing with a screaming baby
is a lot easier if it's your own.
265
00:18:29,050 --> 00:18:32,650
I just can't imagine being a nanny
now. Well, that's fine but -
266
00:18:32,850 --> 00:18:37,530
Can you just take it home? No.
Please! No chance. The agency is going to pick it up tomorrow.
267
00:18:37,730 --> 00:18:42,170
You can give it to them, then.
I'm not gonna pull anyone carrying that thing around.
268
00:18:42,330 --> 00:18:44,810
Just -
Come on, let's go for another drink.
269
00:18:44,930 --> 00:18:46,930
Whoo!
270
00:18:47,090 --> 00:18:49,370
Hey.
Have you got your sperm test kit?
271
00:18:52,490 --> 00:18:54,410
It's empty in here.
272
00:19:08,890 --> 00:19:10,490
Sit there.
273
00:19:15,290 --> 00:19:18,690
You need it all in the pot.
Don't spill it.
274
00:19:35,610 --> 00:19:37,570
What's taking you so long? Just...
275
00:19:38,810 --> 00:19:40,930
Go a bit faster with it.
276
00:19:41,050 --> 00:19:42,770
I'm trying my best here.
277
00:19:42,930 --> 00:19:45,930
You're not stroking a cat.
(TOY BABY CRIES)
278
00:19:49,890 --> 00:19:52,810
Probably needs winding again.
Can't you wind it?
279
00:19:52,930 --> 00:19:54,930
Got your hands full, haven't you?
280
00:19:55,090 --> 00:19:57,450
(TOY BABY CRIES)
Just try and ignore it.
281
00:19:59,650 --> 00:20:01,890
(OPERATIC MUSIC)
282
00:20:38,890 --> 00:20:40,770
(EXHALES)
283
00:20:41,810 --> 00:20:44,090
Done it.
284
00:20:44,210 --> 00:20:46,490
Good one.
285
00:20:47,570 --> 00:20:50,170
I feel dizzy.
286
00:20:50,290 --> 00:20:51,970
It wasn't hard, was it?
287
00:20:59,690 --> 00:21:01,410
Job done.
288
00:21:02,530 --> 00:21:04,530
All right?
Yeah. You?
289
00:21:10,930 --> 00:21:14,090
I'll tell you what,
I'm glad to be out of there.
290
00:21:14,250 --> 00:21:17,330
Prefer the sound of a baby crying
to that racket.
291
00:21:17,450 --> 00:21:19,650
How's that fun?
292
00:21:23,170 --> 00:21:25,490
You're a bit quiet.
293
00:21:25,650 --> 00:21:28,410
I'm not surprised
after what that's seen.
294
00:21:28,570 --> 00:21:31,210
It takes five minutes
to get the result.
295
00:21:32,370 --> 00:21:36,290
It says here if you lined up every
sperm from a single ejaculation,
296
00:21:36,450 --> 00:21:39,490
it'd make a queue
that would be six miles long.
297
00:21:40,530 --> 00:21:42,170
Jesus!
298
00:21:42,330 --> 00:21:45,490
It was hard enough herding them
from your bollocks to the pot
299
00:21:45,650 --> 00:21:50,010
without trying to get them to stand
in a queue. (TOY BABY CRIES)
300
00:21:50,170 --> 00:21:55,050
I recognise that cry. It means
you want winding, doesn't it?
301
00:21:59,130 --> 00:22:01,370
(TOY BABY WHIMPERS SOFTLY)
That's it.
302
00:22:06,890 --> 00:22:09,410
It's been an experience, hasn't it?
303
00:22:09,530 --> 00:22:11,290
Yeah, it has, hasn't it?
304
00:22:12,370 --> 00:22:15,610
Surprise me a bit. I didn't think
you had what it takes.
305
00:22:22,490 --> 00:22:24,130
It doesn't look like I do.
306
00:22:30,610 --> 00:22:33,530
Oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway,
does it?
307
00:22:33,650 --> 00:22:35,450
You didn't want a baby, did you?
308
00:22:35,650 --> 00:22:39,650
At the end of the day,
nothing but hassle and headache. Let's get going.
309
00:22:39,810 --> 00:22:43,290
Mind you,
it's only 99 percent accurate.
310
00:22:45,690 --> 00:22:47,650
There's still a one-percent chance.
311
00:22:47,770 --> 00:22:52,010
If I should leave you
312
00:22:53,050 --> 00:22:55,530
Try to remember
313
00:22:56,570 --> 00:22:58,930
The good times
314
00:23:01,490 --> 00:23:05,130
Warm day
Silver sunshine
315
00:23:08,770 --> 00:23:13,130
And just a little bit of rain
316
00:23:16,130 --> 00:23:21,050
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317
00:23:21,170 --> 00:23:23,090
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318
00:23:23,140 --> 00:23:27,690
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