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1
00:00:06,430 --> 00:00:09,380
I can't believe Mr Balcombe's dead.
2
00:00:09,430 --> 00:00:12,860
It's like, one minute you're just
a normal, 86-year-old guy,
3
00:00:12,910 --> 00:00:17,020
lying in your hospice bed and
the next - you're dead.
4
00:00:17,070 --> 00:00:20,580
I am seriously pumped for this
funeral, though! What?
5
00:00:20,630 --> 00:00:23,940
Obviously, I'm sad, too.
I mean, I loved Mr Balcombe.
6
00:00:23,990 --> 00:00:26,180
But it will be great to see
the old drama club again.
7
00:00:26,230 --> 00:00:28,540
That's true, I haven't seen
any of them since Mum made us
8
00:00:28,590 --> 00:00:31,180
quit the club because it was
giving us too much self-esteem.
9
00:00:31,230 --> 00:00:32,900
What was that, 12 years ago?
10
00:00:32,950 --> 00:00:36,260
I can't wait to see how everyone's
changed. Who's losing their hair?
11
00:00:36,310 --> 00:00:39,500
Who's still jealous because I got
the most lines in every show?
12
00:00:39,550 --> 00:00:40,860
Who's life has gone to shit?
13
00:00:40,910 --> 00:00:43,020
He's being cremated, isn't he?
Yeah, I think so.
14
00:00:43,070 --> 00:00:47,870
OK, cool. And we just, like, watch.
We don't add wood or anything?
15
00:00:49,110 --> 00:00:52,100
Add wood? What are you
picturing exactly?
16
00:00:52,150 --> 00:00:55,180
You know, like they used to do to
witches, that kind of thing.
17
00:00:55,230 --> 00:00:58,100
He's not being burned at
the stake. When they cremate
18
00:00:58,150 --> 00:01:00,740
someone they basically just put
their body in a big pizza oven.
19
00:01:00,790 --> 00:01:02,100
How do you not know that?
20
00:01:02,150 --> 00:01:04,220
Give me a break, Hannah,
it's my first funeral.
21
00:01:04,270 --> 00:01:06,820
I'm still...learning the ropes.
22
00:01:06,870 --> 00:01:10,620
What if I cry too loudly?
Or not loudly enough?
23
00:01:10,670 --> 00:01:12,550
I should've practised crying!
24
00:01:16,550 --> 00:01:18,340
Dan, your crying's
going to be awesome.
25
00:01:18,390 --> 00:01:20,590
Now, let's go rock the shit
out of this funeral.
26
00:01:32,510 --> 00:01:34,790
BELL TOLLS
27
00:01:37,990 --> 00:01:40,540
Hannah!
28
00:01:40,590 --> 00:01:41,980
Hi. Sorry, do I know...
29
00:01:42,030 --> 00:01:47,940
It's me, Debbie! From Drama Club.
We did, like, seven shows together.
30
00:01:47,990 --> 00:01:49,780
You and your brother
got into a fight over
31
00:01:49,830 --> 00:01:52,870
a yo-yo at my 10th birthday
party and smashed my cake.
32
00:01:56,510 --> 00:01:58,180
Everyone used to call me Flebbie.
33
00:01:58,230 --> 00:02:01,260
Oh, my God, Flabby Debbie!
You look so different.
34
00:02:01,310 --> 00:02:03,340
I have had a teeny
bit of a make over.
35
00:02:03,390 --> 00:02:04,860
I dyed my hair, new wardrobe.
36
00:02:04,910 --> 00:02:07,380
Yeah, and you're not fat any more!
37
00:02:07,430 --> 00:02:10,060
So, what are you and your
non-flabby arms up to these days?
38
00:02:10,110 --> 00:02:12,020
Well, I'm an actor.
39
00:02:12,070 --> 00:02:13,900
Oh, wow - you kept going
with that stuff?
40
00:02:13,950 --> 00:02:16,700
I'm actually putting on
a one-woman show.
41
00:02:16,750 --> 00:02:19,980
It's about a bored housewife who
has a secret affair
42
00:02:20,030 --> 00:02:22,540
with a bored housewife.
43
00:02:22,590 --> 00:02:27,060
I wrote it myself. You should
come. I can get you tickets.
44
00:02:27,110 --> 00:02:30,580
Erm... No. Thanks.
45
00:02:30,630 --> 00:02:32,700
What? No, I'm sure
your show's fine.
46
00:02:32,750 --> 00:02:35,900
But I just have absolutely no
interest in seeing it.
47
00:02:35,950 --> 00:02:39,220
Wow, you really haven't changed.
48
00:02:39,270 --> 00:02:41,830
Thank you! I'll see you inside.
49
00:02:52,070 --> 00:02:53,060
He was a good man.
50
00:02:53,110 --> 00:02:54,950
Thank you, thank you.
Do take a seat.
51
00:02:57,670 --> 00:03:02,220
I'm sorry for your loss. Your dad
was a great man and an inspiration.
52
00:03:02,270 --> 00:03:03,260
Thank you.
53
00:03:03,310 --> 00:03:06,740
His drama club was so
special. It changed lives.
54
00:03:06,790 --> 00:03:08,220
That would have meant a lot to him.
55
00:03:08,270 --> 00:03:10,460
Taught me a bunch of
cool tongue-twisters,
56
00:03:10,510 --> 00:03:15,300
"To begin to toboggan, first buy
a toboggan". It was brilliant.
57
00:03:15,350 --> 00:03:17,980
I actually had a dream
about him last night.
58
00:03:18,030 --> 00:03:20,380
I was back in the drama club and
59
00:03:20,430 --> 00:03:23,740
Mr Balcombe was there,
but he was a spy.
60
00:03:23,790 --> 00:03:27,980
He didn't say it, but you know how
you just, like, know stuff in dreams.
61
00:03:28,030 --> 00:03:32,060
And then he was like, "Everybody get
out, it's a chemical attack!"
62
00:03:32,110 --> 00:03:34,820
And so I kick in the windows
and get everybody out.
63
00:03:34,870 --> 00:03:36,140
And I'm running.
64
00:03:36,190 --> 00:03:40,700
And it's me, your dad and a guy
who works in a cafe near where
65
00:03:40,750 --> 00:03:42,860
I live - he's there for
some reason -
66
00:03:42,910 --> 00:03:48,510
and we're running and running and
we get to a big field and then...
67
00:03:50,070 --> 00:03:51,110
..I woke up.
68
00:03:52,430 --> 00:03:55,580
OK. Well, if you'd
like to take a seat.
69
00:03:55,630 --> 00:03:59,110
Also, I got you something.
Sort of a condolence present.
70
00:04:04,230 --> 00:04:07,540
I know it won't go all the
way to replacing your dad,
71
00:04:07,590 --> 00:04:09,790
but I hope it helps.
72
00:04:10,910 --> 00:04:15,300
Um, also, I opened it and
played with it a little bit
73
00:04:15,350 --> 00:04:17,150
and I kind of broke the left ear.
74
00:04:18,350 --> 00:04:19,670
I am sorry for your loss.
75
00:04:25,630 --> 00:04:30,710
THEY SING A HYMN
76
00:04:37,190 --> 00:04:38,900
This is my programme, get your own.
77
00:04:38,950 --> 00:04:40,580
I spilt Diet Coke on mine.
78
00:04:40,630 --> 00:04:42,060
Where did you get Diet Coke from?
79
00:04:42,110 --> 00:04:44,540
I brought some just in case,
do you want one?
80
00:04:44,590 --> 00:04:46,590
Yeah, all right.
81
00:04:47,710 --> 00:04:48,780
Is that a poncho?
82
00:04:48,830 --> 00:04:50,500
Yeah, I told you, it's
my first funeral,
83
00:04:50,550 --> 00:04:52,260
I don't want to be underprepared.
84
00:04:52,310 --> 00:04:55,710
I've also got a torch, some
baby wipes and a pocketknife.
85
00:04:58,590 --> 00:05:00,260
Oh, my God, it's Adam Piper.
86
00:05:00,310 --> 00:05:01,540
Who's Adam Piper?
87
00:05:01,590 --> 00:05:03,180
He was in our drama club, remember?
88
00:05:03,230 --> 00:05:06,540
His parents split up and he
emigrated to New Zealand.
89
00:05:06,590 --> 00:05:09,500
Can't believe he's here!
He was my first kiss.
90
00:05:09,550 --> 00:05:11,660
And you were so bad
he fled the country?
91
00:05:11,710 --> 00:05:13,900
Shut up! It was fucking magical.
92
00:05:13,950 --> 00:05:16,940
It was the year we did Peter Pan,
literally the last night.
93
00:05:16,990 --> 00:05:20,020
I was waiting in the wings to
go on for my solo and he just came
94
00:05:20,070 --> 00:05:24,580
up behind me, whipped me around,
kissed me and then just walked off.
95
00:05:24,630 --> 00:05:25,780
That was your first kiss?
96
00:05:25,830 --> 00:05:27,780
That was the last time
I ever saw him,
97
00:05:27,830 --> 00:05:30,220
his mum picked him up as soon
as the show finished.
98
00:05:30,270 --> 00:05:32,700
It was the most romantic thing
that's ever happened to me,
99
00:05:32,750 --> 00:05:33,870
or probably anyone.
100
00:05:34,910 --> 00:05:36,260
Adam.
101
00:05:36,310 --> 00:05:39,220
Pst, Adam.
102
00:05:39,270 --> 00:05:40,310
Adam!
103
00:05:44,590 --> 00:05:45,630
Amen.
104
00:05:49,590 --> 00:05:50,580
'Right, I'm going to go'
105
00:05:50,630 --> 00:05:53,700
track down Adam Piper. I WISH I'd
known he was coming to the funeral,
106
00:05:53,750 --> 00:05:55,340
I would have worn
something sexier.
107
00:05:55,390 --> 00:05:58,540
Aren't you kind of making too much of
this? It was just a dumb kiss.
108
00:05:58,590 --> 00:06:00,700
It was my first kiss, Dan.
109
00:06:00,750 --> 00:06:03,220
It's an incredibly formative
experience in a girl's life,
110
00:06:03,270 --> 00:06:05,620
like the equivalent of a
boy's first wet dream.
111
00:06:05,670 --> 00:06:08,780
Yeah, but... I mean, he was sort
of my childhood sweetheart.
112
00:06:08,830 --> 00:06:10,500
Imagine if he hadn't
left the country?
113
00:06:10,550 --> 00:06:13,460
We'd probably still be a couple.
114
00:06:13,510 --> 00:06:16,340
We'd be doing cool couple shit like
getting brunch and having sex
115
00:06:16,390 --> 00:06:19,060
and Photoshopping each other's faces
onto pictures of dogs.
116
00:06:19,110 --> 00:06:22,030
What? OK, I'm going in,
wish me luck.
117
00:06:23,550 --> 00:06:25,260
Oy, oy, Danny Boy!
118
00:06:25,310 --> 00:06:28,860
Wahay! Holy shit, Jack! I didn't
know you were coming.
119
00:06:28,910 --> 00:06:32,020
Mr Balcombe was a fucking hero,
I wouldn't miss this for the world.
120
00:06:32,070 --> 00:06:34,460
What time's kick-off?
The service literally just ended.
121
00:06:34,510 --> 00:06:37,500
Oh, bollocks. Me and Sheriff
stopped off for a bit of breakfast,
122
00:06:37,550 --> 00:06:39,580
met this stonking waitress.
123
00:06:39,630 --> 00:06:40,980
Must have lost track of time.
124
00:06:41,030 --> 00:06:42,100
Wait, Sheriff's here?
125
00:06:42,150 --> 00:06:43,710
Yeah, mate, he's right behind you.
126
00:06:45,270 --> 00:06:48,430
RAUCOUS LAUGHTER
127
00:06:53,190 --> 00:06:56,140
Looking good, Danny boy! You've
turned into a right gangly prick.
128
00:06:56,190 --> 00:06:59,340
I had a big growth spurt
when I turned 16. And 18.
129
00:06:59,390 --> 00:07:00,900
I think I might still be growing.
130
00:07:00,950 --> 00:07:03,460
Mate, we were going to sneak in
a cheeky pint before the wake.
131
00:07:03,510 --> 00:07:05,140
Ease the pain and all that. You in?
132
00:07:05,190 --> 00:07:06,340
Yeah, sounds good.
133
00:07:06,390 --> 00:07:09,830
Let's go. Come on, piggyback,
you lanky prick.
134
00:07:13,350 --> 00:07:15,180
Adam, hi!
135
00:07:15,230 --> 00:07:16,940
Oh, hey, Hannah.
136
00:07:16,990 --> 00:07:19,500
It's great to see you.
I can't believe you're here!
137
00:07:19,550 --> 00:07:20,780
I flew in overnight.
138
00:07:20,830 --> 00:07:22,820
I just felt like I couldn't
miss it, you know?
139
00:07:22,870 --> 00:07:27,100
Mr Balcombe was like a second,
less judgmental dad to me.
140
00:07:27,150 --> 00:07:31,620
Yeah, sad. Still, we have
got a lot of catch up on.
141
00:07:31,670 --> 00:07:35,100
How's New Zealand, for God's sake?
Have you ever met Peter Jackson?
142
00:07:35,150 --> 00:07:37,460
Just once, yeah.
But New Zealand's good.
143
00:07:37,510 --> 00:07:39,780
I'm actually studying to be
a Reiki instructor.
144
00:07:39,830 --> 00:07:40,900
What's Reiki?
145
00:07:40,950 --> 00:07:43,260
It's a form of holistic
healing, that uses natural
146
00:07:43,310 --> 00:07:46,180
vibrations from within the universe
to remove unhealthy energies.
147
00:07:46,230 --> 00:07:48,260
Oh, so it's one of
those scam things,
148
00:07:48,310 --> 00:07:50,540
like acupuncture or psychiatry.
149
00:07:50,590 --> 00:07:53,140
No, believe me, Hannah,
Reiki is the real deal.
150
00:07:53,190 --> 00:07:55,780
I once saw a woman with osteoporosis
literally forward roll
151
00:07:55,830 --> 00:07:56,820
out of her session.
152
00:07:56,870 --> 00:08:00,220
Well, I'm still not sold. But maybe,
while you're in town, you could try
153
00:08:00,270 --> 00:08:02,380
and convince me?
Over a kiwi juice, perhaps?
154
00:08:02,430 --> 00:08:04,620
I'd love to, but I'm
heading back tomorrow.
155
00:08:04,670 --> 00:08:05,780
My flight's first thing.
156
00:08:05,830 --> 00:08:08,580
You can't be leaving already!
I mean, you only just got here.
157
00:08:08,630 --> 00:08:10,780
It could be another 12 years
before I see you again.
158
00:08:10,830 --> 00:08:12,220
Yeah, I know, it's a shame.
159
00:08:12,270 --> 00:08:14,140
It would have been really
cool to catch up.
160
00:08:14,190 --> 00:08:15,980
But listen, if you're ever
down in Auckland
161
00:08:16,030 --> 00:08:19,270
and you need someone to align
those chakras, give me a call.
162
00:08:26,590 --> 00:08:30,420
There is nothing better than that
first, cold sip of your third pint.
163
00:08:30,470 --> 00:08:32,070
Cheers, Danny boy. Cheers.
164
00:08:39,950 --> 00:08:41,900
So, you guys came together?
Yeah, mate.
165
00:08:41,950 --> 00:08:45,140
When we heard the news, we thought,
let's make a thing of it, you know.
166
00:08:45,190 --> 00:08:46,420
A sort of Tour de Grief.
167
00:08:46,470 --> 00:08:47,860
Send Mr Balcombe off in style.
168
00:08:47,910 --> 00:08:50,820
I hammed it up a bit, I got a
week's sympathy leave off work.
169
00:08:50,870 --> 00:08:51,860
What do you do?
170
00:08:51,910 --> 00:08:53,420
I'm an estate agent. Gay.
171
00:08:53,470 --> 00:08:55,750
What do you do, Sheriff?
I'm a lettings agent.
172
00:08:57,070 --> 00:09:00,580
Anyway, I got my suit dry-cleaned,
hopped in Sheriff's Audi.
173
00:09:00,630 --> 00:09:03,420
We've been driving and boozing
for the last six days.
174
00:09:03,470 --> 00:09:06,660
I can't believe we're all grown up.
Sheriff, you've got a missus.
175
00:09:06,710 --> 00:09:10,100
Jack, you take stuff to get
dry cleaned. It's amazing!
176
00:09:10,150 --> 00:09:11,700
What you up to, Dan? Not much.
177
00:09:11,750 --> 00:09:15,220
I live with my sister and I went
to prison for a bit. Fuck off!
178
00:09:15,270 --> 00:09:18,380
What, for real? I mean, I was only
there for a couple of months, but...
179
00:09:18,430 --> 00:09:19,940
I always knew you were mental, Dan.
180
00:09:19,990 --> 00:09:23,260
Remember when we were doing Aladdin
and, Dan, you jumped off the
181
00:09:23,310 --> 00:09:26,980
lighting rig with the flying carpet
and you broke your elbow.
182
00:09:27,030 --> 00:09:28,580
THEY LAUGH
183
00:09:28,630 --> 00:09:33,100
Sometimes I still feel shooting
pains when it's cold out.
184
00:09:33,150 --> 00:09:34,500
Fucking brilliant.
185
00:09:34,550 --> 00:09:37,420
Excuse me lads, would you
watch my stuff for me?
186
00:09:37,470 --> 00:09:38,790
Nipping to the toilet.
187
00:09:44,790 --> 00:09:46,940
Do you know what'd be weird, Dan?
188
00:09:46,990 --> 00:09:50,550
If you ate that old dude's roast
while he was in the bathroom.
189
00:09:51,870 --> 00:09:55,060
Really? I mean,
that would be weird.
190
00:09:55,110 --> 00:09:58,780
He'd come back and he'd be all,
"Where's my roast run off to?"
191
00:09:58,830 --> 00:10:01,340
He'd probably shit his head off.
192
00:10:01,390 --> 00:10:02,990
That'd be so fucking funny.
193
00:10:05,670 --> 00:10:07,390
Yeah, all right. I'll do it.
194
00:10:24,270 --> 00:10:25,310
Gravy. Gravy.
195
00:10:27,590 --> 00:10:29,780
Gravy! Gravy! Gravy! Gravy!
196
00:10:29,830 --> 00:10:31,420
Gravy! Gravy! Gravy! Gravy!
197
00:10:31,470 --> 00:10:33,060
Gravy! Gravy! Gravy! Gravy!
198
00:10:33,110 --> 00:10:36,100
Gravy! Gravy! Gravy! Gravy!
199
00:10:36,150 --> 00:10:37,950
Yeah!
200
00:10:39,750 --> 00:10:41,300
You're a legend, Dan.
201
00:10:41,350 --> 00:10:42,790
Legend of the Dan.
202
00:11:00,190 --> 00:11:01,900
All right, Hannah.
203
00:11:01,950 --> 00:11:03,220
Where have you been?
204
00:11:03,270 --> 00:11:05,540
And why are you covered in...
What is that?
205
00:11:05,590 --> 00:11:06,940
Oh, it's just gravy.
206
00:11:06,990 --> 00:11:08,940
I went for a drink with
Jack and Sheriff.
207
00:11:08,990 --> 00:11:10,420
Oh, God, not those idiots.
208
00:11:10,470 --> 00:11:14,900
They're not idiots! Sheriff's
a lettings agent and Jack
209
00:11:14,950 --> 00:11:18,380
got off a drink-driving charge by
pretending someone spiked his drink.
210
00:11:18,430 --> 00:11:20,620
Whatever. I've bigger fish to fry.
211
00:11:20,670 --> 00:11:23,860
Adam Piper's going back to
New Zealand tomorrow morning.
212
00:11:23,910 --> 00:11:25,220
And that's a bad thing because?
213
00:11:25,270 --> 00:11:29,300
Adam Piper wasn't just my first
kiss, he was The One Who Got Away.
214
00:11:29,350 --> 00:11:31,980
I've had an Adam Piper-sized
itch for the last 12 years
215
00:11:32,030 --> 00:11:34,300
and just when I finally get
the chance to scratch it,
216
00:11:34,350 --> 00:11:36,020
he jets back off to Middle Earth.
217
00:11:36,070 --> 00:11:39,100
I'm not spending another 12 years
wondering what might have been.
218
00:11:39,150 --> 00:11:40,820
So what are you going to do about it?
219
00:11:40,870 --> 00:11:42,380
Well, I guess I don't have a choice.
220
00:11:42,430 --> 00:11:45,110
I'm going to have to
seduce him at this funeral.
221
00:11:46,510 --> 00:11:49,660
I kind of feel like you DO
have a choice. Shut up.
222
00:11:49,710 --> 00:11:54,340
Oh, look at them, having a wicked
time with the family while I'm stuck over here in Dickhead Corner.
223
00:11:54,390 --> 00:11:57,260
This is not Dickhead Corner.
All right, dickheads!
224
00:11:57,310 --> 00:12:00,740
Hey, guys! I was just telling
Hannah about your Tour de Grief.
225
00:12:00,790 --> 00:12:02,660
Yeah, yeah - we were in
Brighton last night.
226
00:12:02,710 --> 00:12:05,220
Ended up tagging along with
this mental hen party.
227
00:12:05,270 --> 00:12:07,060
You would not believe
how much snizz you get
228
00:12:07,110 --> 00:12:08,620
when you play the bereavement card.
229
00:12:08,670 --> 00:12:11,500
Obviously, I've got a missus, so I
couldn't do anything out of line.
230
00:12:11,550 --> 00:12:13,780
Just went back to the
gust house and knocked one out.
231
00:12:13,830 --> 00:12:16,780
It's really great to see you
guys again, too.
232
00:12:16,830 --> 00:12:17,870
Excuse me.
233
00:12:21,750 --> 00:12:23,940
Do you know what'd be weird, Dan?
234
00:12:23,990 --> 00:12:26,030
If you put one of your
balls in that ramekin.
235
00:12:28,070 --> 00:12:29,060
Do you think?
236
00:12:29,110 --> 00:12:30,380
Oh, mate, that'd be classic.
237
00:12:30,430 --> 00:12:33,390
Everyone would be like, "Mm, does
this mustard taste like scrotum?"
238
00:12:36,430 --> 00:12:38,260
Yeah!
239
00:12:38,310 --> 00:12:40,980
No, don't! What is wrong with you?
240
00:12:41,030 --> 00:12:43,020
I cannot believe the potential
love of my life is
241
00:12:43,070 --> 00:12:44,940
leaving for another
hemisphere in 16 hours
242
00:12:44,990 --> 00:12:49,220
and I'm stuck in fucking funeral
Siberia with a gulag full of idiots.
243
00:12:49,270 --> 00:12:50,660
THEY SNIGGER
244
00:12:50,710 --> 00:12:51,700
Where are you going?
245
00:12:51,750 --> 00:12:53,660
I'm going to go sit next
to Adam Piper.
246
00:12:53,710 --> 00:12:55,150
Let the seduction begin.
247
00:12:58,190 --> 00:12:59,870
And don't do the ramekin thing.
248
00:13:01,350 --> 00:13:03,070
Mate, do the ramekin thing.
249
00:13:04,350 --> 00:13:06,110
Oh, Legend of the Dan.
250
00:13:07,550 --> 00:13:12,540
Hey. What's happening, peeps?
Debs, could I have quick word?
251
00:13:12,590 --> 00:13:14,660
I was just thinking, maybe
we could swap seats?
252
00:13:14,710 --> 00:13:16,900
Why? What's wrong with where
you're sitting now?
253
00:13:16,950 --> 00:13:19,780
Nothing, I just thought
maybe we could mingle.
254
00:13:19,830 --> 00:13:21,540
You know how parties are.
255
00:13:21,590 --> 00:13:23,300
Well, it's not really a party.
256
00:13:23,350 --> 00:13:25,220
OK, what's it going to take
to get you to swap?
257
00:13:25,270 --> 00:13:27,860
I've got ?15 and a Kit Kat Chunky?
258
00:13:27,910 --> 00:13:31,340
Come on, Flebbie, I know
you've got a sweet tooth.
259
00:13:31,390 --> 00:13:33,340
You know, I'm all right here.
260
00:13:33,390 --> 00:13:35,100
Fine.
261
00:13:35,150 --> 00:13:37,220
OK, what if I promise to
see your show?
262
00:13:37,270 --> 00:13:39,340
Really? I think you'd love it!
263
00:13:39,390 --> 00:13:42,380
In the third act, you find out that
the housewives have both
264
00:13:42,430 --> 00:13:43,900
been dead for six years so...
265
00:13:43,950 --> 00:13:47,590
Oh, my God. No, I'm sorry, I
can't. That just sounds terrible.
266
00:13:51,750 --> 00:13:53,740
Oh, that's better.
267
00:13:53,790 --> 00:13:56,420
Um, Adam, you know that
Reiki stuff you mentioned.
268
00:13:56,470 --> 00:13:58,820
Do you think maybe you could
give me a little demo?
269
00:13:58,870 --> 00:14:01,990
Yeah, I'd love to! Face this way.
Yeah.
270
00:14:03,990 --> 00:14:06,140
Oh, my God, I feel better already.
271
00:14:06,190 --> 00:14:08,540
The great thing about Reiki is,
you can do it anywhere.
272
00:14:08,590 --> 00:14:11,460
I mean, with a blood transfusion,
you've got to go to a hospital.
273
00:14:11,510 --> 00:14:13,460
I can just do this on the bus.
274
00:14:13,510 --> 00:14:18,340
Excuse me, Hannah. Hi, sorry,
could you possibly move your chair?
275
00:14:18,390 --> 00:14:20,260
Er, no, it's OK, I'm fine here.
276
00:14:20,310 --> 00:14:24,260
Yes, but you are blocking the way a
little, so if you wouldn't mind...
277
00:14:24,310 --> 00:14:26,140
Ugh. Yeah, fine. Sorry.
278
00:14:26,190 --> 00:14:27,270
Thank you.
279
00:14:40,870 --> 00:14:42,620
That's better. Sorry. Where were we?
280
00:14:42,670 --> 00:14:43,900
Excuse me.
281
00:14:43,950 --> 00:14:45,900
Sorry, I thought...
Could you please just...
282
00:14:45,950 --> 00:14:46,990
Absolutely.
283
00:14:56,670 --> 00:14:57,660
Hannah!
284
00:14:57,710 --> 00:14:58,700
Oh, come on!
285
00:14:58,750 --> 00:15:00,180
Please go back to your seat.
286
00:15:00,230 --> 00:15:03,300
Otherwise, I'm afraid I might
have to ask you to leave.
287
00:15:03,350 --> 00:15:04,900
Fine, I'll move.
288
00:15:04,950 --> 00:15:08,030
But only because I respect your
dad too much to make a scene.
289
00:15:14,310 --> 00:15:16,500
This old man shit is fucking sweet.
290
00:15:16,550 --> 00:15:20,300
Oh, my God, I wish I could get
one of these for the flat.
291
00:15:20,350 --> 00:15:22,740
You should, mate. Owls are
fucking sound, yeah?
292
00:15:22,790 --> 00:15:24,340
Hannah would never let me.
293
00:15:24,390 --> 00:15:27,620
She doesn't like nocturnal animals,
she says they're devious.
294
00:15:27,670 --> 00:15:30,340
You should do what I did
when I wanted a 65-inch plasma.
295
00:15:30,390 --> 00:15:32,380
I just asked the missus for a
98-incher
296
00:15:32,430 --> 00:15:34,140
and then bargained my way down.
297
00:15:34,190 --> 00:15:35,420
And that worked?
298
00:15:35,470 --> 00:15:37,580
Let's just say, when I watch
Match Of The Day now,
299
00:15:37,630 --> 00:15:40,500
I can practically feel the spray tan
dripping off Lineker's face.
300
00:15:40,550 --> 00:15:42,380
That's genius.
301
00:15:42,430 --> 00:15:45,620
You know, I was sort of freaking out
this morning, about the whole
302
00:15:45,670 --> 00:15:47,020
inevitable death thing.
303
00:15:47,070 --> 00:15:50,100
But hanging out with you guys
has just been great.
304
00:15:50,150 --> 00:15:51,300
I'm so glad you came.
305
00:15:51,350 --> 00:15:54,700
Whoa, hold up, boys -
we've struck gold.
306
00:15:54,750 --> 00:15:58,860
No wonder Balcombe lived so long,
he was a walking medicine cabinet.
307
00:15:58,910 --> 00:16:00,940
Do you know what'd be weird, Dan?
308
00:16:00,990 --> 00:16:02,620
If took all these meds.
309
00:16:02,670 --> 00:16:04,990
Fucking hell, that'd be weird.
310
00:16:07,070 --> 00:16:12,220
Uh, I guess that would be weird.
Might also be a bit...
311
00:16:12,270 --> 00:16:13,580
..very dangerous?
312
00:16:13,630 --> 00:16:15,820
Mate, it's medicine,
how sick can it make you?
313
00:16:15,870 --> 00:16:17,700
I could do something else weird?
314
00:16:17,750 --> 00:16:19,700
I could put my balls on more stuff?
315
00:16:19,750 --> 00:16:22,820
We've already done that, it's not
weird any more. Come on, mate.
316
00:16:22,870 --> 00:16:26,430
What happened to
Legend of The Dan?
317
00:16:29,150 --> 00:16:31,540
Adam, I think you
need to come upstairs.
318
00:16:31,590 --> 00:16:32,980
I think I felt some bad spirits.
319
00:16:33,030 --> 00:16:35,740
Spirits? Yes, spirits, energies,
vibrations - whatever.
320
00:16:35,790 --> 00:16:37,300
Can you just come and take a look?
321
00:16:37,350 --> 00:16:38,590
Right.
322
00:16:41,590 --> 00:16:44,540
What's the, er... What's the problem?
323
00:16:44,590 --> 00:16:47,660
Oh, nothing, I just thought
I'd rescue you from Flebbie.
324
00:16:47,710 --> 00:16:51,100
Besides, our Reiki session got
cut short, I thought
325
00:16:51,150 --> 00:16:53,220
it'd be nice if we...caught up.
326
00:16:53,270 --> 00:16:56,300
I mean, we do have so
much history together.
327
00:16:56,350 --> 00:16:59,300
Look at the two of us,
all grown up.
328
00:16:59,350 --> 00:17:02,860
I'm a young, modern,
sexually-independent woman.
329
00:17:02,910 --> 00:17:04,660
You're a...
330
00:17:04,710 --> 00:17:06,940
..hotshot Reiki instructor.
331
00:17:06,990 --> 00:17:10,620
Well, I'm still technically
just studying to...
332
00:17:10,670 --> 00:17:15,260
Whatever. The point is we're older,
wiser, we're like two...
333
00:17:15,310 --> 00:17:16,820
..succulent plums.
334
00:17:16,870 --> 00:17:20,820
We've been out on that
branch, in the hot, hot sun.
335
00:17:20,870 --> 00:17:24,420
And now we're finally
ready to be plucked.
336
00:17:24,470 --> 00:17:26,660
Oh, my God.
337
00:17:26,710 --> 00:17:29,620
The Wizard of Oz. That was my
first show with the club.
338
00:17:29,670 --> 00:17:32,420
My parents came to opening night
and I was so nervous.
339
00:17:32,470 --> 00:17:35,300
I sweated off all of my
lion face paint.
340
00:17:35,350 --> 00:17:36,980
Mr Balcombe was reapplying it
341
00:17:37,030 --> 00:17:41,660
and I said I didn't want to
go on any more and he said,
342
00:17:41,710 --> 00:17:45,660
"The reason I chose you
as the Cowardly Lion
343
00:17:45,710 --> 00:17:47,540
"is because I know all you
344
00:17:47,590 --> 00:17:50,430
"need is a tiny bit of courage and
there'll be nothing you can't do."
345
00:17:52,670 --> 00:17:56,940
And I went out there
and I smashed it.
346
00:17:56,990 --> 00:17:58,700
My parents loved it.
347
00:17:58,750 --> 00:18:02,340
Pretty much the only time they
stopped fighting for long enough
348
00:18:02,390 --> 00:18:03,700
to agree on something.
349
00:18:03,750 --> 00:18:05,950
And it was all thanks to
Mr Balcombe.
350
00:18:10,470 --> 00:18:14,700
Aw. No, come on. Come here.
That's it.
351
00:18:14,750 --> 00:18:16,030
Let it out.
352
00:18:20,030 --> 00:18:21,070
Let it out.
353
00:18:32,390 --> 00:18:35,380
OK, right. Pink one next.
354
00:18:35,430 --> 00:18:37,590
These are for your old kidneys.
355
00:18:40,070 --> 00:18:41,660
How're you feeling, Danny boy?
356
00:18:41,710 --> 00:18:42,900
All right.
357
00:18:42,950 --> 00:18:45,580
My head's a bit fuzzy and I've
sort of got an erection, but...
358
00:18:45,630 --> 00:18:47,220
OK, I can't even pronounce
these ones,
359
00:18:47,270 --> 00:18:48,620
but apparently the side effects
360
00:18:48,670 --> 00:18:53,580
include "Dry mouth, loss of smell
and acute muscle stoppage".
361
00:18:53,630 --> 00:18:55,340
Bon appetite!
362
00:18:55,390 --> 00:18:57,750
Time to say adios
to your glaucoma.
363
00:19:01,790 --> 00:19:02,900
Oh, shit, it's the missus.
364
00:19:02,950 --> 00:19:06,580
I'm going to have to take this,
the kids are on half term, they'll be doing her head in.
365
00:19:06,630 --> 00:19:09,300
I should check in with the office.
My boss is away. Technically,
366
00:19:09,350 --> 00:19:12,100
I'm in charge of the fucking place.
Wait, you guys are leaving me?
367
00:19:12,150 --> 00:19:14,620
Don't worry, Danny boy, I'm just
going to deal with this.
368
00:19:14,670 --> 00:19:18,070
But, you're going to take
all of these, yeah?
369
00:19:19,230 --> 00:19:20,780
Dan, you're a legend.
370
00:19:20,830 --> 00:19:22,310
Legend of The Dan!
371
00:19:26,990 --> 00:19:30,540
Wow, when I stepped onto the
plane in Auckland I definitely
372
00:19:30,590 --> 00:19:33,260
wasn't expecting anything
like that to happen.
373
00:19:33,310 --> 00:19:36,100
I know, but it felt
so right, didn't it?
374
00:19:36,150 --> 00:19:38,740
Like scratching a
deep, universal itch.
375
00:19:38,790 --> 00:19:40,500
It was...amazing.
376
00:19:40,550 --> 00:19:43,060
You know, part of me always knew
this would happen one day.
377
00:19:43,110 --> 00:19:46,740
Really? Yeah. I mean, it's
the classic love story.
378
00:19:46,790 --> 00:19:50,940
Boy meets girl, boy kisses girl,
boy moves to New Zealand, boy
379
00:19:50,990 --> 00:19:54,020
comes back from New Zealand for a
funeral, boy and girl reconnect.
380
00:19:54,070 --> 00:19:56,700
What do you mean? We never kissed.
381
00:19:56,750 --> 00:19:58,020
Yeah, we did.
382
00:19:58,070 --> 00:19:59,820
No, I'm pretty sure we didn't.
383
00:19:59,870 --> 00:20:02,580
Yes, we did and it
was magical.
384
00:20:02,630 --> 00:20:05,180
It was the last night of Peter Pan
and I was waiting in the wings
385
00:20:05,230 --> 00:20:08,180
and you came up behind me and
whipped me around and kissed me.
386
00:20:08,230 --> 00:20:11,500
No, no, I missed the last night of
Peter Pan. I had food poisoning.
387
00:20:11,550 --> 00:20:13,230
No, but I remember...
388
00:20:15,390 --> 00:20:17,380
You mean, it wasn't you I kissed?
389
00:20:17,430 --> 00:20:20,780
No. But, better late than never!
390
00:20:20,830 --> 00:20:24,220
I guess the universe has a way of
working these things out.
391
00:20:24,270 --> 00:20:26,980
It's like my Reiki master Zander
always says...
392
00:20:27,030 --> 00:20:28,510
DOOR SHUTS
393
00:20:32,030 --> 00:20:33,070
Heh.
394
00:20:40,910 --> 00:20:43,620
I can't believe I just had sex
with Adam Piper.
395
00:20:43,670 --> 00:20:45,100
I thought that's what you wanted?
396
00:20:45,150 --> 00:20:47,620
That was before I found out
he wasn't the one who kissed me.
397
00:20:47,670 --> 00:20:48,860
He wasn't my long lost love,
398
00:20:48,910 --> 00:20:51,380
he's just some twat
talking about vibrations.
399
00:20:51,430 --> 00:20:53,420
So you're done seducing people?
400
00:20:53,470 --> 00:20:55,420
No way, I've come too far to quit.
401
00:20:55,470 --> 00:20:57,580
Someone in this room is
The One Who Got Away
402
00:20:57,630 --> 00:20:59,660
and I'm going to find out
who it was, today,
403
00:20:59,710 --> 00:21:02,030
otherwise Mr Balcombe
died for nothing.
404
00:21:03,470 --> 00:21:05,060
What's wrong with you?
405
00:21:05,110 --> 00:21:08,420
My left side's just a bit, uh,
406
00:21:08,470 --> 00:21:09,860
numb.
407
00:21:09,910 --> 00:21:11,660
Me, Jack and Sheriff found a
bunch of
408
00:21:11,710 --> 00:21:14,140
Mr Balcombe's medication
and we all took some.
409
00:21:14,190 --> 00:21:17,300
Well, I took some and they
watched, but...
410
00:21:17,350 --> 00:21:18,660
we all loved it.
411
00:21:18,710 --> 00:21:20,510
Oh, my God.
412
00:21:22,270 --> 00:21:23,500
Are you all right?
413
00:21:23,550 --> 00:21:26,790
Yeah, yeah, yeah, don't worry
about me, I'm fine. Seriously.
414
00:21:30,430 --> 00:21:33,590
Oh, hey, Hannah. How's it going?
415
00:21:38,150 --> 00:21:41,700
Excuse me, hi. Do you remember
kissing me when we were 12?
416
00:21:41,750 --> 00:21:44,020
It was in the wings
during Peter Pan.
417
00:21:44,070 --> 00:21:47,140
Don't just say no,
think about it.
418
00:21:47,190 --> 00:21:48,430
You, me, Peter Pan.
419
00:21:50,670 --> 00:21:52,460
This is a long shot, but...
420
00:21:52,510 --> 00:21:56,020
Hannah, great news! I pushed back
my flight home!
421
00:21:56,070 --> 00:21:57,220
What are you talking about?
422
00:21:57,270 --> 00:21:59,860
I was thinking maybe I could crash
at your place for a few weeks?
423
00:21:59,910 --> 00:22:02,300
No, absolutely not.
But I thought we...
424
00:22:02,350 --> 00:22:05,300
Like you said. We have
a special connection.
425
00:22:05,350 --> 00:22:07,940
No, we don't, we definitely don't.
426
00:22:07,990 --> 00:22:12,300
I mean, I thought we did for, like,
ages. But it turns out we don't.
427
00:22:12,350 --> 00:22:15,230
I just spent ?2,000
on a new plane ticket.
428
00:22:16,710 --> 00:22:18,340
I don't even have anywhere to stay.
429
00:22:18,390 --> 00:22:21,860
Adam, I'm kind of
busy right now, OK?
430
00:22:21,910 --> 00:22:25,660
It was really great seeing you
again. I think the Reiki stuff sounds like a crock of shit,
431
00:22:25,710 --> 00:22:27,470
but, you know, good luck with it.
432
00:22:28,870 --> 00:22:33,980
I don't know, maybe it's just
the whole occasion getting to me.
433
00:22:34,030 --> 00:22:39,140
Or it's the two-dozen
pills I just took,
434
00:22:39,190 --> 00:22:42,100
or the nasal spray,
435
00:22:42,150 --> 00:22:44,980
or that one suppository,
436
00:22:45,030 --> 00:22:47,780
but I just feel like maybe...
437
00:22:47,830 --> 00:22:49,270
I'm ready to die.
438
00:22:50,790 --> 00:22:52,670
Not now, but one day.
439
00:22:53,790 --> 00:22:55,710
Surrounded by the people I love.
440
00:22:57,150 --> 00:22:59,590
And maybe a monkey as well.
441
00:23:01,470 --> 00:23:06,870
That's is such a great point, I've
never thought about it like that.
442
00:23:18,150 --> 00:23:19,190
Exactly.
443
00:23:20,670 --> 00:23:22,260
Ha-ha-ha-ha!
444
00:23:22,310 --> 00:23:24,700
I'm sorry, Hannah, I mean,
maybe we kissed.
445
00:23:24,750 --> 00:23:26,860
But, like I say, I can
barely remember the show.
446
00:23:26,910 --> 00:23:29,260
Well, maybe if we kissed now,
that would jog your memory.
447
00:23:29,310 --> 00:23:32,740
What if it was such a good memory,
your brain repressed it.
448
00:23:32,790 --> 00:23:34,220
I'm not sure that's how it works.
449
00:23:34,270 --> 00:23:36,540
Look, just trust me.
450
00:23:36,590 --> 00:23:39,100
No, no, Hannah -
I've got a girlfriend.
451
00:23:39,150 --> 00:23:41,940
So what? This isn't a sex thing.
452
00:23:41,990 --> 00:23:44,220
It's like when a farmer tosses
off a horse to sell that
453
00:23:44,270 --> 00:23:47,660
stuff to other farmers - he's
not into it, he just has to do it.
454
00:23:47,710 --> 00:23:49,230
I have to do this.
455
00:23:50,590 --> 00:23:51,630
Oh, my God!
456
00:23:52,870 --> 00:23:54,500
What is going on here?
457
00:23:54,550 --> 00:23:57,260
She's trying to kiss me and
won't take no for an answer.
458
00:23:57,310 --> 00:23:59,340
Hannah, I'm going to have
to ask you to leave.
459
00:23:59,390 --> 00:24:01,020
You're kicking me
out of the funeral?
460
00:24:01,070 --> 00:24:03,020
Yes. Now, please leave.
461
00:24:03,070 --> 00:24:05,980
You can't do that! That's like
kicking someone out of a baptism.
462
00:24:06,030 --> 00:24:09,220
I mean, that did happen to me once,
but it was totally the baby's fault.
463
00:24:09,270 --> 00:24:12,460
Frank, Sam, could
you please just...
464
00:24:12,510 --> 00:24:16,900
No, guys, guys! I'm just trying
to find The One Who Got Away!
465
00:24:16,950 --> 00:24:19,310
Ow! Does that mean nothing
to you people!?
466
00:24:21,630 --> 00:24:23,020
Danny Boy!
467
00:24:23,070 --> 00:24:24,220
How's it going, mate?
468
00:24:24,270 --> 00:24:26,020
I'm OK. I finished the pills.
469
00:24:26,070 --> 00:24:29,420
Oh, shit, the pills. I totally
forgot about that. Good job.
470
00:24:29,470 --> 00:24:31,300
Thanks.
471
00:24:31,350 --> 00:24:34,340
Everything I look at is
covered in purple spots,
472
00:24:34,390 --> 00:24:37,540
but I like the colour
purple, so it's OK.
473
00:24:37,590 --> 00:24:39,220
That's the spirit, mate.
474
00:24:39,270 --> 00:24:42,380
In a couple of days, when
my ears stop ringing,
475
00:24:42,430 --> 00:24:45,020
you guys should definitely come
round to my place.
476
00:24:45,070 --> 00:24:47,030
It'll be just like the old days.
477
00:24:49,710 --> 00:24:55,780
We could order pizza, call 999 and
pretend we've been kidnapped.
478
00:24:55,830 --> 00:24:59,700
No can do, I'm afraid. Taking the
missus to Venice for her birthday.
479
00:24:59,750 --> 00:25:02,140
Ten days of eating risotto and
fingering her on a gondola.
480
00:25:02,190 --> 00:25:04,700
Things are getting pretty hectic
down at the estate agent.
481
00:25:04,750 --> 00:25:06,860
Gay. What about tonight?
482
00:25:06,910 --> 00:25:09,700
Sorry, mate, we're jumping in the
Audi as soon as this thing's over.
483
00:25:09,750 --> 00:25:11,580
Real life, Danny Boy,
it don't stop.
484
00:25:11,630 --> 00:25:13,460
It's like a gangbang
of responsibilities,
485
00:25:13,510 --> 00:25:15,740
they just keep coming
and coming. Oh!
486
00:25:15,790 --> 00:25:17,300
Do you know what'd be weird, though?
487
00:25:17,350 --> 00:25:19,580
Please, don't make me
do any more weird stuff.
488
00:25:19,630 --> 00:25:22,820
I don't want to drink lighter fluid,
or stick a fish knife up my arse.
489
00:25:22,870 --> 00:25:26,060
Nah, I was going to say it'd be
weird if you came to Cheshire with us next month.
490
00:25:26,110 --> 00:25:29,420
My dad's having a hernia op,
we're going to swing by. We're hiring a barge.
491
00:25:29,470 --> 00:25:32,740
I love going for a poo on a boat,
it makes me feel dead flashy.
492
00:25:32,790 --> 00:25:37,300
I would hug you guys, but both of my
arms have gone completely dead.
493
00:25:37,350 --> 00:25:40,780
Let's get you a couple drinks,
that'll sort you out.
494
00:25:40,830 --> 00:25:42,660
Dan! Dan!
495
00:25:42,710 --> 00:25:46,540
Tell them I'm not crazy!
I'm just on a mission!
496
00:25:46,590 --> 00:25:49,590
Dan! Hannah, we're
going on a barge.
497
00:25:54,030 --> 00:25:57,380
Next, Debbie, who wants
to say a few words.
498
00:25:57,430 --> 00:25:59,260
Thank you.
499
00:25:59,310 --> 00:26:01,740
I see a lot of faces here
from drama club
500
00:26:01,790 --> 00:26:04,820
and I know you'll all agree
when I say Mr Balcombe
501
00:26:04,870 --> 00:26:07,860
was a true inspiration.
502
00:26:07,910 --> 00:26:11,020
It's because of him that I became an
actress, which is why
503
00:26:11,070 --> 00:26:14,220
I'd like to take this opportunity to
perform a brief extract from
504
00:26:14,270 --> 00:26:20,660
my one-woman show - The Scandalous
Tribulations of Penelope Forsythe.
505
00:26:20,710 --> 00:26:24,940
Hannah?! What is this? I told
you get out! Frank, Sam!
506
00:26:24,990 --> 00:26:26,060
No!
507
00:26:26,110 --> 00:26:27,540
If you guys throw me out again,
508
00:26:27,590 --> 00:26:31,020
I swear to God I will drop-kick
both of you in the dick.
509
00:26:31,070 --> 00:26:33,620
I had to go 11 houses down before
one of your neighbours
510
00:26:33,670 --> 00:26:37,140
believed me when I said I was the
garden inspector and let me in.
511
00:26:37,190 --> 00:26:40,100
I've climbed several fences,
crawled through a bramble bush,
512
00:26:40,150 --> 00:26:43,460
lost a shoe and stepped in a lot
of different types of animal shit.
513
00:26:43,510 --> 00:26:47,380
So I think I've earned the right
to say a few words.
514
00:26:47,430 --> 00:26:49,740
It was 12 years ago.
515
00:26:49,790 --> 00:26:51,900
It was the last night
of Peter Pan.
516
00:26:51,950 --> 00:26:54,340
I was in the wings waiting to go on.
517
00:26:54,390 --> 00:26:58,820
Somebody whipped me around,
kissed me and walked off.
518
00:26:58,870 --> 00:27:00,780
It was the best moment of my life
519
00:27:00,830 --> 00:27:04,630
and I want to know - which
of you fuckers was it?!
520
00:27:08,510 --> 00:27:11,140
Mate, that was fucking Dan.
521
00:27:11,190 --> 00:27:12,420
What? No, it wasn't.
522
00:27:12,470 --> 00:27:14,270
Yeah, it was, we dared him to do it.
523
00:27:16,070 --> 00:27:17,230
Dan...?
524
00:27:19,110 --> 00:27:20,470
Why would you do that?
525
00:27:22,030 --> 00:27:23,780
They said it would be weird.
526
00:27:23,830 --> 00:27:25,550
Legend of the Dan!
527
00:27:27,830 --> 00:27:30,270
But why didn't you say anything?
528
00:27:32,110 --> 00:27:34,390
I didn't want to ruin your funeral.
529
00:27:36,630 --> 00:27:40,180
So you're telling me, basically,
530
00:27:40,230 --> 00:27:43,100
the best moment of my life,
531
00:27:43,150 --> 00:27:45,220
my whole sexual persona,
532
00:27:45,270 --> 00:27:47,510
is based on a kiss with you?
533
00:27:54,910 --> 00:27:56,870
THAT is fucking weird!
534
00:27:59,190 --> 00:28:00,230
Sorry.
535
00:28:00,280 --> 00:28:04,830
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