All language subtitles for Scream Queens s02e01 Again.eng

(button buzzing)

I have been buzzing you with
the call button for half an hour!

Something's wrong with my husband.

Um, I'm sorry, but it's Halloween.

We all kind of like
letting loose on Halloween.

I think he's dying!

(music playing in distance)

(woman laughing)

Have you seen Dr. Mike?
Someone is having an emergency

that just can't wait
till the party is over.

My husband has C.O.P.D.
He can't breathe.

Are you sure he's not just dressed up

- as a dude with C.O.P.D.?
- Uh, pretty sure Dr. Mike

is in the back rack looking
for quaaludes. (chuckles)

NURSE: Dr. Mike?

Hello, ladies.

My husband needs a doctor!

(chuckles): But it's Halloween.

- That's what I told her.
- Please,

I'm begging you.

All right.

If I have to save a
life tonight, so be it.

It is what I do.

DR. MIKE: Deep breath.

Yeah, again.

(crunching) -
Uh-huh. Again.

Okay. (clears throat)

His lungs need to be drained.

I say we wait until morning.

Give him the procedure now!

Or I swear, I'll make sure

all of you lose your medical licenses.

I will shut this hospital down.

Okay, you know what? Um...
you're absolutely right.

It's like we forgot our
Hippocratic oath. Okay.

Bill, uh, I am going
to give you a sedative,

and then I am personally
going to take you to the O.R.

Okay? Where I will be
performing your procedure, okay?

Everything will be fine.

Baby, I love you so much.

You're my life, you're my everything.

How's our son doing?

Good. Good.

(sniffles) Excited for you to come home.

WOMAN (over intercom):
Nurse Lancer, please bring

Hawaiian Punch to the Halloween party.

DR. MIKE: Okay. Ma'am,
gonna have to ask you

to go wait in the waiting room.

Okay.

Thank you so much, Doctor.

Okay, Bill.

Sleepy time.

I owe you.

It's what I do.

(sighs) I cannot believe we're
missing the party for this.

Screw that.

This hospital was originally built

as a tuberculosis
clinic, but the patients

who were checking in just
kept getting sicker and sicker

until they realized it
was because they built it

up against this rancid swamp.

So they closed it down for a
decade until they reopened it,

and now we are the fourth
best performing hospital

out of four in the area,
which is great for us

because it keeps expectations super low.

I never liked this swamp.

I grew up around here and... (pants)

the kids used to always talk

about a... a monster
that lived back here.

The Green Meanie.

Swamp itself is the monster.

You know if you leave a body out here,

between the bugs and the bacteria,

it will disappear in a matter of days?

We're just gonna leave him here?

I made up all that crap
about doing the procedure.

He'll be dead within the hour,
and then we'll get the blame.

So we will dump his body out here,

fake the paperwork, say
we did the procedure,

that he checked himself out, and
then rock out to Sheena Easton

(grunts) all night long.

(chuckles)

What about his wife?

It's her word against ours.

(grunts)

NURSE: Now, wait.

What if someone saw us?

Your costume is pretty specific.

Shall we?

Mm.

(laughs)

Whoo! Oh, yeah!

(music, excited chatter in distance)

(elevator bell dings)

Catherine Hobart?

Hi.

I'm Dr. Brock Holt. I went to Harvard.

And I'm Dr. Cassidy
Cascade. Nice to meet you.

Right this way.
Right this way.

I say "Right this way."
Okay.

Okay, Catherine Hobart
of Laconia, New Hampshire.

You've been diagnosed
previously with a severe case of

hypertrichosis, aka Werewolf Syndrome.

I was once arrested by a dogcatcher.

Hey. Here's one thing
that is contraindicated

to any treatment we
prescribe: self-pity.

Your hair is so soft.

What conditioner do you use?

It's Kiehl's. I know it's expensive, but

so worth it.
So worth it.

You and I are gonna get along just fine.

CASSIDY: Your condition
is being caused by

an inverse mutation on chromosome 17.

I know. I've seen hundreds of doctors.

And I'd almost given up
hope, before Dr. Munsch

found me in that
creepy disease chat room

and told me if I came
here, she could cure me.

Do I keep my word? Hi.

I'm Dr. Cathy Munsch. And
welcome to my hospital.

You know you're not really a doctor.

(chuckles) Well, I'm sorry.

But when I gave the commencement address

at the University of
Pittsburgh last year,

they gave me the actual
honorary doctorate

they stripped from Bill Cosby.

Anyway, Ms. Hobart,
you have the great honor

of being our first patient
here at the C.U.R.E. Institute.

Our motto is: "Where
the incurable are cured."

I wouldn't get her hopes up.

(whispers): She's incurable.

MUNSCH: (scoffs) You want
to talk about impossible?

You want to talk about
the world saying no,

and you beating it like
a dog until you make it

sit, stay and beg to say yes?

Well, then you have
to be talking about one

Dr. Dean Cathy Munsch

and her journey to opening
this palace of healing.

MUNSCH: By now, you're
probably asking yourself,

"Wait a second, isn't
this the Cathy Munsch,

"the iconoclastic
bestselling author

"whose very name has
become synonymous with

"New New Feminism?

How did she get here?"

Well, I'll tell you.

When Pope Francis asked
me, "Cathy, what's next?"

honestly, I found myself
at a loss for words.

Why?

Because I'd done it all.

And I knew in that instant
that I needed a new cause:

reforming America's health care system.

Ask medical student what
do they want to become.

They'll say plastic
surgeons, dermatologists.

They want to perform Lasik.

They want to make money.

And that requires repeat customers.

The perverse incentives baked
into our health care system

keep people sick.

Let me introduce you to the C.U.R.E.

Caregivers United in
Restorative Ideology.

It is entirely funded by my
own personal publishing fortune.

And I am hiring only the best doctors,

who are going to find cures

for diseases 21st century medicine

has deemed... incurable.

I'd love to answer any
questions you might have.

We have a few minutes.
WOMAN: Dr. Munsch.

What about the Chanels?

Do you have any comment
on what became of them?

MUNSCH: The Chanels.

For two whole years,
I barely thought of them.

But then a Netflix documentary
series turned them into

a national obsession.

(gavel bangs)

Please state your name for the record.

I am Special Agent Denise Hemphill.

And I take it you're currently

an agent with the FBI.

Correction.

Special agent. Huh?

(chuckles)

At the time of the Wallace murders,

I was an employee of the security firm

Secure Enforcement Solutions,

along with my dear friend Shondell,

who was later stabbed in the
face and pushed out a car.

Can I ask what you have to contribute to

my clients' appeal?

The killer confessed.

And I got it right here!

On videotape.

(gallery murmurs)

Yes. I orchestrated the whole thing.

But you can't lay a hand on me.

It's called double jeopardy.

You can't be tried for
the same crime twice.

But you haven't been tried twice.

The Chanels were
tried the first time.

But someone was convicted,
so it's double jeopardy.

Uh, no.

Again, you haven't
been tried yet at all.

It's double jeopardy!

It's single jeopardy!

(banging on door, gasps)

MUNSCH: The Chanels
haven't been seen since.

Those Kappa sisters were
nothing but a distant memory.

Except for one.

One that I felt
deserved an opportunity

to make something of
her life. (Zayday sighs)

(sirens wailing in
distance, dog barking)

Oh, no.

I've got nothing to say to you.

Are you smoking a joint?

No.

Yes.

Can I buy you a drink?

(sighs)

ZAYDAY: I just want to distance myself

from everything that happened.

I hunkered down and
powered through undergrad

in just a year and a half.

After seeing all that death,
I felt the need to do something

to prevent other people from dying.
Mm.

So now I'm in my first
year of med school.

Working three jobs to pay for it.

I want to pay for it.
Excuse me?

You heard me.

Look, I like you, Zayday.

I think you have tremendous potential.

Now, I don't know if you're aware,

but I've opened a teaching hospital.

And I would like you
to come work for me.

It will count toward
your residency, of course.

Why would you want to go through
all this trouble to help me?

I don't get it.

Let's just say

that I have a very
personal, deep-seated reason

for wanting to see
this hospital succeed.

And whether or not you
choose to believe it,

I see you as being an
integral part of its success.

What do you say?

(sighs)

I mean...

(chuckles): yes!

Yes, I'm in.

Yes, you are.

Congratulations.

Cheers.

Welcome to King Brock's kingdom,
where King Brock is king.

Sometimes I like to
wheel in rando patients,

not knowing their medical condition

and just start cutting.

Discovering as I go.

Sometimes, I just stare
at my hands and cry.

Hmm. Hi.

You must be Dr. Cascade.
I'm Zayday Williams.

I just want to let
you know straight out,

I'm not interested in
having a girlfriend.

And I know that's tough to hear.

I'm basically female Viagra.

I'm here for my MD,

not my MRS.

So, Dr. Holt, since you're
such a brilliant surgeon,

tell me what you're doing here.

I was up at the Mayo
Clinic when I got poached.

Dean Munsch saw my layout
in Playgirl...

"Ten Hottest Doctors,"

and she offered me a
gigantic signing bonus.

I became a doctor after seeing

the terrible medical care
some of my family has gotten

over the years.

So, after I saw her TED talk online,

I sought her out.

I liked her philosophy and realized

that's the kind of medicine
I wanted to study, too.

Hmm.

What happened to your wrist?

Suicide attempt?

(chuckling): No.

I'm the recipient of the world's

first complete hand transplant.

Are you serious? That's
not your real hand?

(loud bang)

Of course it's my real hand.

You buy a used car, is it yours

or the guy who used to own it?

I'm the genius, not the hand.

How'd you lose it?

Super Bowl accident.

You played in the Super Bowl?

Sorry.

Super Bowl party accident.

MEN (chanting): Beast mode,
beast mode, beast mode!

(whistle blows) It
was Super Bowl 49.

I was working in a hospital

up in Seattle.

The next tragic series
of events still haunts me.

First, the power goes out.

(all yelling)
Really?

Next, my idiot friend Matty
starts flipping light switches

to see if they're working.

Next, I started getting
stressed about the mess.

I had surgery in the morning
and I can't go to sleep

with a dirty house,

so I started doing the dishes.

The soap must have
lubed up my hands, because

my Harvard class ring fell of.

Did I tell you I went
to Harvard? Well, I did.

Harvard University.

Anyway, my ring fell
down the drain,

I... I stuck my hand down
to retrieve it, not realizing

that Matty had turned on
the garbage disposal.

Then, the power came back on.

(disposal whirring)

(men whooping) (screaming)

(screaming continues)

Oh, my God. That's horrible.

That wasn't the worst part.

You see, once in every generation,

a surgical prodigy arises.

That prodigy is me.

At 23, I was the head surgeon

on the operation that separated
the Hemsworth brothers.

W-Wait. They're not even twins.

Well, that's what made
the procedure so difficult.

The point is, that for years,
I was the guy you called

when no one else could do the job.

I was the best.

And, uh,

I got my hand and...

couldn't get a job.

I was like "Shoeless" Joe Jackson,

being banned from baseball in his prime.

"Handless" Joe Jackson.

For two years, I suffered

as I watched other
lesser surgeons do my job.

It broke my heart,

'cause I knew I could still do it.

I mean, yes,

I would still see the patients.

And don't get me wrong, I'm a genius

at solving
medical problems...

You know, connecting the dots, but...

(loud bang) I'm a surgeon!

It's my identity.

And it's why I owe Dean Munsch

for finding me and
giving me a second chance.

That is admirable.

Well, what choice do I have?

This place is my last chance.

If it doesn't work out,

I've got nothing.

Hmm.

(gasps)

You're freezing.

Yeah, I, uh,

I run cold.

Oh, no, my grandmother runs cold.

She has to wear a little
knit cap in the fall,

but you...

you feel like a block of ice.

Well, I envy ice.

At least, if you give
it warmth, it melts.

WOMAN (over speaker): Dr. Semedla,

please report to urology.

CATHERINE: I'm
basically a shut-in.

The only night I go out is Halloween.

Just, I want a normal life.

Of course you do, sweetheart.

And-and you deserve that.

Yeah, but like they say,

deserve has got nothing to do with it.

We were right the first time,

there's nothing we could do.

No, that's not possible.

We just have to try harder.

No, it... this
is an issue

on a chromosomal level.
Right.

It's be like asking us
to make your eyes blue.

- Mm-hmm.
- Or me warmer.

WOMAN (over speaker):
14. Chamberlain Jackson

and his magic cart. Room 314.

CATHERINE: I knew it. I
should have never come here.

Let you get my hopes up.

Oh...
Sorry to interrupt,

but I thought I heard a patient

who maybe needs a little
bit of cheering up.

Excuse me?

You can't just barge
into a room like this.

Well, actually, that is my job.

The Craigslist ad said, "uplifting male,

"20 to 30, needed for
unpaid nurse's aid position

to start immediately."

How you doing, pretty little lady?

My name is Chamberlain
Jackson, and I'm your

friendly neighborhood candy striper.

This right here is what
I call my magic cart.

Take two of these and call
me in the morning, Hairy Mary.

Boo-yeah!

(laughs)

I am leaving here

right now.

I've never been so embarrassed

in all my life!
No, no, please.

Just give us one week.

Okay? I promise you,

by next week, we
will have a cure.

Yeah, sure.

Okay.

There's no way I can eat
that. S... stick to me.

She's good.

Okay. We need to have a discussion.

(groans)

Does it involve

the inane decision

to make our first case an incurable

genetic disorder?

Why on Earth did I insist

on making Werewolf
Girl our flagship case?

It'd be easier to cure Zika.

Does it not bother you that

this hospital staff is just
me and a whole bunch of dudes?

I thought you were this

icon of New Feminism, or something.

Feminism... is just so boring.

What I'm saying,

is we could use some
more ladies around here.

Okay. I get your point.

And I have an idea.

I know exactly what I'm gonna do.

(sighs)

(sighs) Good morning, idiot hookers.

Good morning, Chanel.
Good morning, Chanel.

CHANEL: You would've thought

that once we were exonerated

by an award-winning
Netflix documentary,

and let out of the asylum, that
the Chanels would be heroes.

You would be wrong.

We were pariahs. We
were innocent of the crime,

but guilty of being awful.

Our grade-A blue ribbon
realness got us ostracized.

(tires screeching to a halt)

Oh! (gasps) You girls are the worst!

CHANEL: We had a serious
public image problem.

America hated us, our wealthy
families had disowned us,

but we kept our noses
to the grindstone

and went back
to finish college.

Chanel... 5?

CHANEL: We decided to be
communications majors, because

it's by far the easiest,
(mild applause)

but quickly learned that
a degree in communications

is practically worthless.

(light applause) And then,

I realized something.
That maybe

the best way to
rehabilitate our image

was by doing something
good for a change.

I decided it was time for
us to start giving back.

#5 got a job as a receptionist
at a dentist's office.

Bryte Smile Children's Dental, how may
I direct your smile? (phone ringing)

Hold on. CHANEL: She said it
was because they provided

free services to the poor.

Can everyone just shut up?!

Do you not see that I am on the
phone?! CHANEL: But I'm convinced

#5 did it to get free braces
for her vagina teeth.

Bryte Smile Children's Dental,
how may I direct your smile?

3 got a job mopping up at the
local men's fertility clinic.

She was in heaven.

It's okay. I'm scared of
needles too, but I promise you,

you won't feel a thing.
CHANEL: It turns out,

I love blood! Love it!

It's 92% water, and contains
hemoglobin, which

transports oxygen throughout
our circulatory system.

Where did I learn this?

In a course I took to become

a certified phlebotomist,

that I passed
with flying colors.

(exhales)
Must be something inside

CHANEL: It turns
out... There we go!

All done.
I'm really good at poking people.

Still. We were poor,
and exhausted.

May I have some more,
please? Get your own damn pie!

I've been mopping wads all week.

Who would've guessed it
would come to this.

Two years ago, I had just been elected

Kappa House president, and I
was dating the hottest guy on campus

who loved porking me

because I was hot and rich.

We were on top of the world.

Or at least I was.

You too were just sort
of along for the ride.

And then one serial killer
goes on one campus killing spree

and frames us for murder,
and the next thing you know,

we spend every night eating fruit pies,

sitting on a stoop because

no one will give us
their HBO GO password.

(sighs)

(car door closes) Oh, my God.

Dean Munsch?

Hello, Chanel. Chanels.

What do you even want from us?

(scoffs) Let's call it redemption.

Here's the pitch.

I want you to enroll as medical students

and come work at my hospital.

Yes, we'd love to!

That's amazing!

Shut up, Number Five!

Okay, that offer

is insane!

Why would you do that?

It does appear from
your current employment

that you have some experience
in the medical field.

And I think you girls
still have a lot to learn.

And I want to help you learn it.

(clinking in distance)

(clank in distance)

Hello?!

(door opens) (gasping)

No!

(screaming)

Oh, hey there, Z. You
seem surprised to see us.

I don't understand.
What are you doing here?

We work at the hospital now!

That's not possible.
You're not medical students.

We are now. I mean, Dean
Munsch arranged the whole thing.

Didn't she do the same thing for you?

No. I got into medical
school all by myself,

which took a year and a
half and was really hard.

I'm so glad you guys are here!

Oh...
This is gonna be so much fun.

I think I speak for all
three of us when I say

that becoming a doctor
was never the dream.

Come on. We're gonna be late.

Ew.

What the...?

All right ladies...

Pick a locker and this is
where you change

out of your regular clothes and put on

- your scrubs.
- This is mine.

It's purple... my
favorite color.

No. Nuh-uh. I am not
wearing disposable clothing.

I mean, you cannot tell
me, as a registered voter

of these United States,
what I can and cannot wear.

Oh, my... Give me those.

MUNSCH: Oh, Dr. Brock.

This is my team of med students.

(quietly): Hi.

(sighs)

(Chanel sighs)

(sighs)

(door closes)

Um... let's go over

what's expected of you.

All right, Chanels, your job is

to follow the doctors
around and observe them.

You just stand there silently.

Something I like to call "ghosting."

Point of order? I don't think
that's what "ghosting" is.

"Ghosting" is when you leave a
party without saying good-bye.

That's a French exit. Okay,
you guys are all idiots.

"Ghosting" is when you've
been texting with a guy

for a long time, and you know,

things are going really, really well,

and you think that he's
really into you, and then,

all of a sudden, one day, he just stops

texting back because he
finally saw what you look like.

And so you just text
him, and you're like,

"Hey, sexy, where'd you go?" And then

he just doesn't answer
because he ghosted.

Wait. Isn't "ghosting"
when you do a number two

and you look down at the paper,
and there's nothing there,

and so you stand up, and
you look in the toilet,

and there's nothing there
either, because the turd somehow

got shot down the hole
before you even flushed?

That's ghosting.
All right! There are a lot of

uses for the term "ghosting."

The usage I am describing is

where you stand
silently and say nothing.

That's not ghosting.

ZAYDAY: Well, Catherine,
we have good news.

I've done a whole bunch
of research, and I think

we may have found the way to treat

and possibly cure your disease.

Wait. Why are you doing all the talking?

You're not even a doctor.

Why aren't they telling me anything?

I find that oftentimes silence
is the only appropriate response

to the gaping expanse of
emptiness that stretches out

before each and every one of us.

Sorry. I'm just finishing up a text.

And... sent.

(phone whooshes) What?

Who are they? Oh, don't mind us.

We're ghosting. Yeah, we're ghosting.

Isn't "ghosting" when
you leave a party early

without saying good-bye?

Yes, it is. Okay, just one question,

and then I promise I'll start ghosting.

How do you not, like, freak out

every single time you
look in the mirror?

Oh, my God, thank you. I
had the exact same question.

You guys need to shut
your mouths right now!

In a second. One last thing.

So sometimes when I'm
feeling a little bit bloaty,

and I really need to puke,

I try to, like, envision
a hairy shower drain.

And sometimes it works, and I can barf.

But then, other times, the
image is just not gross enough.

So I was just wondering
if you could maybe

describe your shower drain for me.

No! I'm...
Wait. I'm picturing it right now.

(retching)

(gulps)

Mm-hmm. Thank you.
That'll work really well.

I am sorry about their behavior.

They're new to the hospital setting.

I want to outline what I think could be

a very promising experimental treatment.

Researchers in Berlin have
isolated what is called

a "brain-derived neurotrophic factor"

that is prominently
involved in the control

of Murine hair follicle cycling.

This BDNF is active
in the basal forebrain.

That's at the front of the brain,

right above the eye sockets.

Now, while such a procedure
has never been attempted before,

it is my belief that
if we drill a small hole

into the skull...

You want to give me a lobotomy?!

Now, Catherine, let's
not get our dander up.

Now, listen, I have
to be honest with you.

Now, in a case as severe as
yours, we have very few options.

Now, this procedure, you know,
somewhat, uh, invasive and all,

could provide a little relief

from your symptoms.

I really do want it all gone.

We know that this is a big decision,

and we don't want to rush you,

but as this is an
experimental procedure,

if you do decide to move forward,

we're gonna need you to sign this

consent form.

Um...

Just sign it, Sasquatch!

(over P.A.): Nurse Hoffel, we have
a bedpan emergency... (screams)

Oh, my God, ghosts.

They're not ghosts,
idiot. They're nurses.

Just try not to touch them, Number Five.

We're doctors now which means nurses

are basically our servants.

WOMAN: Excuse me?

Ew. Who are you?

I'm Ingrid Marie Hoffel.

I'm an advanced
practice registered nurse

and the C.U.R.E. Institute's
head of administration.

Hold on, you're aware that
your name is I.M. Hoffel, right?

I run this hospital.

I'm in charge of all executive hires.

I read your files. You
girls are not doctors.

I have no idea why Munsch asked you here

but it must've been to kill you

because you are utterly unqualified

to practice medicine
in any shape or form.

You do not belong here.

We're actually late
for a personal meeting

with your boss, Dean Munsch,

so I will be sure to pass along
your concerns, Nurse Hoffel.

Listen, little girl,

just so we're clear,

I don't like you.

You mess with me, and I
will eat you for lunch.

Carry on.
(gasps)

(over P.A.): Nurse
Hoffel, a bedpan emergency

in 402. (Chanel whimpering)

Oh. Hello, Zayday. Dean
Munsch summoned us here

to speak with her in private.
MUNSCH: Oh, no. Actually,

it was Zayday who summoned you.

She was just filling
me in on your antics

down in the examination room?

ZAYDAY: You just met a horribly

disfigured woman,

and you couldn't even help yourselves.

Instead of choosing
to help the poor woman,

you chose to humiliate her.

Okay, once again,

you have completely misread a situation

and blown it way out of proportion.

Dean Munsch, if you don't
fix this problem right now,

I am fully prepared to
tender my resignation.

Zayday, that won't be necessary.

Chanels, you are now

on academic probation,

and confined to your
dormitories until further notice.

And in the meantime,
I expect 10,000 words

on bedside manner in
clinical practice by Thursday.

Hold on. We still get
our salaries, right?

(chuckles)
What?

Our doctor's salaries?

No! What?!

(laughs) You were never getting paid.

You're not doctors.

You are getting free room and board,

and you are getting put
through medical school.

I don't know where you got the idea

that you were also getting a salary.

(Chanels screaming)

You know, it isn't actually so bad at all.

Seriously, after one day
of work, I, like, definitely

needed a vacation to just,
like, unplug, you know?

You stupid dugongs!

Don't you get it? It wasn't so long ago

that I was on the fast track to
becoming a network news anchor.

I had a dream, and that dream
was to be the next Diane Sawyer,

and now I realize that's
never gonna happen!

Sorry. What did you say?
I zoned out for a sec.

Wait a second.

Maybe we won't be network news anchors.

But what's stopping us
from becoming special

medical correspondents for Fox News?!

What are you talking about?

We'll become TV doctors.

We'll have our own doctor TV shows,

like Dr. Drew or Dr. Phil or Dr. Oz,

or... The Doctors.

Just imagine the amazing
TV show I could do.

I mean, I could have segments like,

"How to Swallow a Tapeworm
with Dr. Chanel Oberlin."

And then, Number Three
and I can do a segment

where we come on the show with
exotic animals from the zoo!

Damn it, Number Five, no
network would ever hire you.

Your face is what they
in the business call

"a channel changer."

So what do we do? Get back
in Dean Munsch's good graces

and get our medical degrees.

How do we do that?

By pulling an all-nighter
and figuring out a cure

for that Werewolf Girl
before Zayday does.

(crickets chirping)

(gasps) Chanel.

What are you doing here?
Scared the crap out of me.

(chuckles) Well, I was pulling
an all-nighter with the Chanels

trying to find a cure for Werewolf Girl,

when suddenly I realized
that both Chanels are idiots.

What are you doing here? Yeah, the same.

We cannot perform a
lobotomy on that girl.

So what have you come up with?

Well, I'm just trying
to go over the facts.

Uh, fact
number one...

Patient's covered in thick
hair from head to toe. Right.

Also a fact that hirsutism can be caused

by polycystic ovary syndrome, but

Catherine hasn't complained
of any abdominal pain

or irregular periods.

She does have irregular eating habits.

Have you seen this nurse's report?

It's gross. Beef,
liver and kidney beans?

Crab legs and oyster sauce?

12-egg omelet, no yolks,
just whites and canned tuna,

three glasses of whole milk?

That's not an unhealthy diet, per Se.

I mean, all those foods
are loaded with vitamin D.

Vitamin D

is a very good...

I should be on that
diet. It's good for dudes.

(Chanel laughs) Boost the testosterone.

Do...?

Testosterone.

That's it.

Stop! Stop the operation!

Chanel, you can't just
barge in here like that.

Yeah, you guys do know this is
a sterile environment, correct?

Testosterone.

What?
Catherine,

your diet is extremely
high in vitamin D.

It's boosting your testosterone.

We're gonna put you on a
soy-based diet immediately.

It'll spike your estrogen and
bring your hormones into balance.

Your boobs will
probably get bigger, too.

(chuckles) Starting a regimen

of dihydrotestosterone.

It's a byproduct of testosterone.

It's what causes hair loss in men.

See, if we can introduce
enough DHT into your system,

well, you'll lose hair
naturally, the way a man would.

Most men, really.

Interesting. Yeah. It really is a...

compelling solution, now, isn't it?

I mean, here you were, ready to, uh, jam

an ice pick into the patient's brain

and sort of randomly
root around willy-nilly,

and then we come in at the last minute,

We. saving the day, coming in with
a much better treatment option,

rendering your original
procedure unnecessary. Bummer.

Wait, hold on. So we're just
not gonna do the surgery?

That's right. Change of plans.
I say we go with Chanel's idea

first. (gasps, chuckles)

Oh, so, Dr. Hot, just to be clear,

you're saying that our idea
is better than Zayday's idea?

Uh... yeah.

In this case, I would.

Awesome. Later, Zayday.

Chanels!
(gasps)

(panting)

How's our little Hairy Mary

doing this morning? (gasps)

(screams)
(screams)

Oh, my God, it worked.

We cured her.

You didn't tell me

I would lose all of my hair!

I have no hair anywhere!

I look like a cancer patient!

No. You look like a large baby.

This is not okay!

Now, hold on.

I spent a full hour

flirting with Dr. Brock to
try to find a cure for you.

So I'll be damned if
we're giving up now.

(sighs) Catherine, I think we need
to consider one more procedure.

A makeover.

(intro to "Vacation"
by the Go-Go's playing)

Oh, my God.

This is amazing.

Thank you so much!

You girls changed my life!

(chuckles)

I'm gonna go take my first
Tinder profile picture.

Side angle, dim light. We
got rid of all your hair,

but you're still a good
15 pounds from being

even a New Jersey six.

Oh. Okay. Okay. Okay. (chuckles)

Ladies, you have made

this hospital very proud.

I mean, we're batting 1000.

Albeit with a very small sample size.

ZAYDAY: I hope y'all
learned a valuable lesson

about how fulfilling
being a doctor can be.

And I hope you learned a
valuable lesson, Zayday,

about how easy being

a doctor can be.

And maybe now we can put to bed

all of your righteous
lecturing about hard work

and accept the fact
that, through the power

of the Internet, anyone can be an M.D.

(chuckles) Let's go, ladies.

(sighs)

CHANEL #3: I don't know why
everyone talks about how hard it is

being a doctor, because
we're doing an awesome job

and it seems like
curing incurable diseases

is super easy.
(chuckles)

(elevator bell dings)

Hello, Chanels.

Still dressing like sluts, I see.

Hello, Dean Munsch. Hello, Nurse.

I thought I smelled something "Hoffel."

(laughing): That's hilarious.

I just registered that your
name sounds like "awful."

You know, a broken clock
is still right twice a day.

Just because you solved your first case

doesn't make you doctors.

Your obvious stupidity
will not get past me.

I got your number,
you rich, dumb whores.

Good to know.

Come on, Chanels.

It is appletini-o'clock.

You don't belong here.

Keep riding them.

Hard.

I've got plans for them.

So do I.

Good news. Dean Munsch was so impressed

with our work on Chewbacca

she decided to lift
our academic probation.

Number Five still has to
work graveyard shift tonight,

but, other than that,
we are fully liberated.

Wait, why do I have to work
tonight and you guys don't?

The graveyard shift, also
known as the virgin shift,

the single and lonely shift,
and the dateless shift.

And you're the only one
who doesn't have a date.

I got asked out by Dr. Brock Holt.

And I got asked out by Cassidy Cascade.

(sighs)

I like to look into these rooms

and think about all the
people who died in them,

how every hope and resentment
and emotional trauma

they ever felt just
disappeared into irrelevance

the second it took their
hearts to stop beating.

Do you want to go on a date?

Yeah. I guess.

No! I refuse to accept this, okay?

We need a fresh start, guys.
I want to reinvent myself.

Chanel,

remember back at the asylum
when we were really close and,

you know, just like, sit on
the bench sharing secrets?

First of all, I'm not
the one who decided

to stop taking her meds
when we got released.

And second, it's pretty lousy

for you to make me feel
bad about trying to move on

from the most traumatic
experience of my life.

I think you should take the
six hours of working alone

in this empty, creepy hospital

to think about ways you
can reinvent yourself

into a better friend.

Sometimes I think you're
just not a very nice person.

(gasps, sighs)

(water running) CATHERINE:
Thank you for doing this.

They said I have to take
two baths a day, or my skin

will get flakey. You know,
doctors have been using

hydrotherapy as a treatment
for nervous exhaustion

since, like, forever.

These used to put insane
people in these things.

And no matter how much of
a raving lunatic you are,

after an hour, you're,
like, super chill.

But that water looks really hot.

A hydrotherapy tub should be practically

scalding, right to the point where
you can barely stand it. Hmm. Mm-hmm.

Okay.
Oh.

Oh. Mm-hmm.

Oh!

Trust me, I've done it before.

It's amazing. Now I'm
just gonna close this lid.

Mm-hmm.

There we go.

Uh, did it...? Did this just lock?

Yeah, but don't worry.
I'll be here the whole time.

Oh.
(humming)

Wait. What are you do...? Duh. I'm
doing one, too, okay? I'm super stressed!

(water splashing)

Ooh. It's bracing.

(lid squeals, thuds shut)

Well, did you just
lock yourself in?

How are we gonna get out of here?
Relax!

I told Chamberlain that
we were coming down here.

He's gonna come down for us in an hour.

So just sit back and let the

scalding hydrotherapy water

melt away all of your
stress and anxiety.

Okay.

(clock ticking)

(hinges creaking)

(hinges creaking, door closes)

Chamberlain, is that you?

(metallic scraping)

(water dripping)

(intro to "Be My Baby"
by the Ronettes plays)

(metallic rattling)

(screaming)

Help me!

No! No! No!

(screaming)

Somebody please help me!

(Catherine whimpering) I'll make you happy, baby...

No! (Number Five screaming)

Please don't! Please

don't kill me! Kill her!

Kill her! She's awful!

No! No!

(screaming)

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