All language subtitles for Scream Queens s01e09 Ghost Stories.eng

Previously on Scream Queens...

What took you so long?

There were two devils.
Dos diablos.

I can't live like this.

Okay, all I do is work out and kill people.

(girls screaming)

Pinky pledge that you
will be monogamous to me.

- Okay.
- Oh, Chad!

I never take second place.

I don't stop till I get what I want.

MAN: Joaquin! (woman calls out)

Is that him?

Damn straight I'm out in public.

I'm the master of disguise, baby.

Dude, dude, uh, uh, Gladiator, right?

Like, "Are you not entertained?"

- Right?
- Yep.

Yeah, yeah, oh!

I love him.

Yeah, what?

Yeah, no, no, everyone
thinks I'm Joaquin Phoenix.

I-I just tell them it's part
of my performance art piece.

Yeah, yeah, okay, so we're agreed.

We take Gigi out tomorrow night.

You come after Boone,
and you best come correct.

This has always been about you and me.

Have to talked to Zayday lately?

How is she? Yeah, yeah.

(grunting)

Oh, my God.

I got to call you back.

Boone? No.

I'm Joaquin Phoenix.

You're Boone. You were killed

by the Red Devil, which means...

Fine, okay.

You caught me.

I'm...

A ghost?

Yeah.

Yeah, I'm-I'm the
ghost of dead Bo-o-one!

And you've come back to get revenge on me

for saying you couldn't be a pledge Kappa.

I'm so sorry about that.

Please don't kill me.

I'm sort of gay now, too.

Please... (whimpering)

Boo.

(screams)

Listen up, hog-faced sluts.

Just because tonight's our
last night at Kappa House

before we're forced to evacuate campus,

doesn't mean you get to
mope around acting all sad!

Why would we be sad?
This is a house of death.

Six people have been
murdered here in a month.

Now we finally get to leave.

Why are you dressed like that?

Well, Einstein, Thanksgiving
is next Thursday,

and if any of you stupid
whores ever cracked a book

every now and again, you'd
know I'm dressed as Sacagawea.

She helped the pilgrims
with their first harvest

on what is now known as
the first Thanksgiving.

No she didn't. You're thinking of Squanto.

Um, no, Squanto was friends
with the Lone Ranger.

Sacagawea guided the
Lewis and Clark expedition.

What? No way.

Sacagawea taught the pilgrims

how to make cranberry sauce

and then, like, sang

"Blue Corn Moon" or something.

That was Pocahontas.

Damn it! Are you serious?

I'm trying to impress Mr. and Mrs. Radwell,

and I just spent two hours
dressing up as the hag

who didn't realize she was the third wheel

on Lewis and Clark's
gay camping extravaganza?

Wait, what? You're meeting Chad's parents?

Oh, did I bury the lead?

I must have forgotten to tell you ladies

about Chad's proposal.

What?

Proposal?

That's right, Chad and I were enjoying

a very romantic Compliment Night.

You're so hot you give my bone a bone.

Thank you for that compliment, Chad.

Whew! Chanel?

You know how you've
been talking about taking

our relationship to the next level?

Whew!
(gasps)

Oh, my God, this is happening!

This is really happening!

Chanel Oberlin, will you...

accept this silver turkey wishbone necklace

and accompany me to the
Hamptons to spend Thanksgiving

at the Radwell Family Compound?

You're gonna meet my mom, my dad,

my brothers Thad and Brad.

My house...
Awesome!

It's on an 50,000-acre cranberry orchard

that my great-great-great-great
grandfather Prentice Radwell

bought off the Shinnecock
Indians for six glass beads.

Wait, that's what he proposed?

A trip to his compound?

Uh, sorry if you're jealous,

bitches, but every girl that's gotten

a Radwell Silver Turkey Wishbone Necklace

has gotten an engagement ring by Christmas.

Except for one girl, I guess...

Yeah, her name was Debbie
and she and Thad were dating,

but he didn't give her a
Silver Turkey Wishbone Necklace,

so she was not invited to Thanksgiving,

but showed up anyway and
hung herself in the orchard,

and, uh, now the whole house is haunted.

Oh.

Yeah, like, you know, like, the furniture

just starts screaming,
or, like, you'll crack open

a Mountain Dew and you'll start to drink it

and then it'll just turn to blood.

We're gonna have, like, the dopest time.

So let's all raise a glass to me.

The Radwells are the
perfect American family.

And Chad wants me to become a part of it.

So I actually don't care that tonight's

the last night of Kappa
Kappa Tau, because I have

successfully used this sorority

for its proper, God-given purpose.

To be part of a sisterhood
and make lifelong friends.

Ew, no, for making me popular enough

to get a hot, rich husband.

Guys, both our families are loaded.

I am about to be, like, super rich.

Not if the ghost murders you first.

Or follows you home and murders you here.

Or if you get murdered tonight because

it's the last night of
Kappa Kappa Tau and it seems

highly likely that the
killer will come after us.

Like I said... a
toast... to Chanel.

Kappa!

GROUP: Kappa.

You're not finished packing yet?

I was sure Miss Type-A
would've had it done by now.

I was actually thinking

I might just hang back on campus

for a couple of days.

You know, maybe take
advantage of the quiet,

do some more investigating.

Pete said he'd stay with me.

I bet he did.

But no way I'm gonna let you be the only

box of macaroni left in
the Red Devil's cupboard.

Your dad won't, either.

To hell with my dad.

Zayday, he lied to me

about the most important
thing in my life...

Who I am, where I come from.

And now he wants me to just forget it

and spend Thanksgiving with
him and that psycho Gigi

and her weird recipes?

No way. I'd rather stay here.

The campus is shutting down.

If you want to figure all this out,

you can do it from the
safety of my grandma's house.

You can't spend Thanksgiving alone.

And if you're sure you
want to punish your dad

and blow him off,

then you can come with me

and have O-Town Thanksgiving
with me and all my cousins.

Oh, I am so glad

neither of us have been killed.

Aw, that's so sweet. Me, too.

Now let's finish packing.

Ah, okay.

I don't understand why you're making us

bubble wrap each item of clothing.

Are you kidding me?

How much did this dress cost?

$63,000.

Uh, yeah, okay.

When something costs $63,000,

you wrap it in bubble wrap.

Besides, bubble wrap is fun.

Mmm...
I think because

I'm not allowed to carry a firearm,

I like to pop the little bubbles,

and then pretend like my finger is a gun.

(scream echoes)

Okay, sorry,

I can't keep this a secret any longer.

I am personally being haunted by a ghost.

What? You heard me.

Late last night I was
walking around campus,

and I saw the ghost of dead gay Boone.

The ghost of dead gay
Boone is walking the earth.

We had, like, a full conversation.

(laughs) That is so stupid.

Because ghosts don't exist.

Oh, really?

Then why won't my hands stop shaking?

Because you're hungover.
Of course I'm hungover.

You know why I had to
get hammered last night?

Because I saw the ghost of dead gay Boone!

Wait, you-you-you
seriously saw a ghost?

Yes.

It was... terrifying.

Ooh, that is creepy.

Being haunted by a ghost

who's stalking the campus

on your last night at Kappa House,

the night all of you are most likely

to be murdered.

Put down the bubble wrap down.

Let's gather round the fireplace.

Come on, children.

(quietly): No...

Momma Denise is about to scare

the living bejeezus out of you

with some real scary ghost stories.

Wait, what?

No, please.

We're already terrified.

Exactly.

See, when I get scared,

and I feel like, like ISIS

done broke in my house,

I tell myself

real scary ghost stories.

And then my fear of the ISIS

is replaced and I'm scared

of the Candyman,

who returns from the dead

when you say his name five times.

Candyman, Candyman...

(quietly): Candyman, Candyman, Candyman...

Or the hitchhiking old lady

with the hairy arms

just like hers, who disappears

when you stop for gas.

But there's a butcher knife in her purse,

except you didn't see it the first time,

'cause when you checked,

wasn't nothing in there

but knitting materials.

And then there's

a Japanese ghost story called "The Kappa."

There is not! Come on!

DENISE: Oh, yes there is.

Look it up.

Them Japanese got

all manner of weird-ass ghost stories.

And the one about the Kappa

is the creepiest of all.

They live in the sewer.

(eerie laughter, echoing)

And they just waiting for you

to sit your ass on the toilet,

so they can reach up and grab your ass,

snatch you by
the vagina and...

(screams)

And drown your crushed body in raw sewage.

The... end.

I, for one, loved that.

See?

I know y'all feel better now!

Now you're scared of the Kappa.

You're not even thinking
about the serial killer

on campus or the ghost that's stalking you.

Yes, we are!

That story just made it worse!

Okay, okay, okay. I hear you.

Momma Denise knows you're still scared.

So you just might need another ghost story.

No!

This Japanese ghost story

is called "The Red Cloak."

And it's about a ghost

who lurks in women's bathrooms.

What?

Why another story about a bathroom?

I'm just telling the story.

The Red Cloak waits until
you run out of toilet paper.

And then he makes you choose

the red roll

or the blue roll.

(water splashing, door slams)

If you pick the red roll,

he'll slit your throat!

And the blood will run up,

and look like you're wearing a red cloak.

But if you pick the blue roll,

he will strangle you

until you turn blue.

And it'll look like you're
wearing a blue cloak.

The... end.

I know y'all feel better now.

No, we don't. No more ghost stories!

Or at least stop setting them in bathrooms!

CHANEL: I really have to pee.

But there is no way

I'm going anywhere near a toilet.

So if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go look

for a salad bowl to squat
over under the stairwell.

(sobbing)

Does somebody need another ghost story

to scare away the heebie-jeebies?

Yes, I'm really enjoying myself.

(vacuum sealer buzzes)

(buzzing)

(air hissing)

(door creaking)

(buzzing stops)

Hey, Chad.

(sighs) So it's true.

You have come back to haunt us.

Listen, you probably already know this

because you saw it from
Heaven, but I kind of had sex

with a few girls in
your bed after you died.

I didn't mean any disrespect,
just kind of wanted

that feeling of vacation sex, you know?

And I love the haircut. Thank you. Nice.

Dude, you are so warm... I
thought ghosts were cold or...

- vapor or something. - Everything you think
you know about ghosts is a lie, Chad.

Ghosts walk among you every
day; you would never know it.

Only us ghosts know who
is a ghost and who isn't.

(whispers): Of course.

But why are you back? I mean,

I'm super stoked you're
here, it's just so much

has gone on since you killed yourself.

I mean, I had sex with that security guard.

That neck brace girl.

Took off the neck brace...
Got hot, like, overnight.

Caulfield... (whispers):
he got his arms chopped off,

then his head.

Aw.
Both the twins are dead.

Just wasn't the same without
you here, though, bro.

(sighs) I've come back for the same reason

all ghosts come back: to
finish some unfinished business.

Which is why I'm here.

I need to borrow your "date shirt."

My "sure thing oxford"? Why?

I've come back to take Zayday
Williams on a really nice,

expensive date that
will totally impress her.

Hold up.

You know Zayday's a chick, right?

Boone...

did you forget you're super gay?

(chuckles): Um, yeah.

But I don't want to be dead anymore, bro.

Look, if I can get Zayday to love me

and have sex with me, I can stay on Earth.

Wait, how does that work?
Haven't you ever heard the phrase,

"Once you go black, you never go back"?

Yeah. That's how it started.

Yes, Boone! Of course,
man! I want you here.

I want you back

in the world of the living, man.

(grunts)

You do know that Zayday is
dating Earl Grey, though, right?

I wouldn't worry about that.

I'll talk to him, straighten him right out.

Oh, no!

(whispers): Which one do I choose?

(creaking)

(panting)

(screams)

(gasping, grunting)

(choking, coughing)

(grunting, gasping)

(screams)

(gasping): No!

No, no, no! No, no, no!

I just got my hair done!

(grunts)

(flushing)

(screaming)

(gasping breaths)

(whimpering)

The killer just attacked
me in the bathroom.

- We have to get out of here!
- We ain't goin' nowhere!

Not until

I hear another ghost story.

If I don't hear another ghost story

right now, I might just have

- a stroke!
- But if we stay in here,

then the killer could come
in and chop off your head!

(chuckles): Well... that's just
a chance I'm willing to take.

Nope, we ain't

goin' nowhere. Besides,

Denise Hemphill

is not gonna make it down

that crazy, overly dramatic staircase

without having a damn heart attack!

Will someone please just tell a scary story

so we can get out of here?

Okay. Fine.

I have one.

Let's all sit by the fireplace.

It happened

in the 1950s.

A sorority sister was returning to campus

after getting her license
for the first time.

She was supposed to leave at lunchtime,

but she got delayed at a
weenie roast or sock hop,

when suddenly, she
found herself on the road

(whispers): in the middle of the night.

NEWSMAN: We interrupt Roy Brown to give you

an emergency news bulletin.

William Masterson, AKA
the Meat Hook Killer,

has escaped from maximum security

Breslow Asylum where he was being held

for the grisly murders of ten people.

The public is recommended to
lock their doors, stay inside

and avoid the area around Lake Ross.

(truck's horn blows)

(horn blowing)

(horn blowing)

(tires screeching)

(tires screech)

Help!

Please! He tried to kill me!

Who?
Him!

MAN: Call the cops!

What the heck is this?
Her car.

There's someone in the
back seat of her car.

He was gonna kill her.

I was trying to warn her.

(horn blows) Every time he popped up...

I would honk and flash my high beams

to scare him back down.

Come on!

(Chanel #5 screaming)

I don't understand... if he
escaped a mental institution

in the middle of the night,

then where did he get a meat hook from?

'Cause he's the Meat Hook Killer.

The story would suck

if there wasn't a meat hook in it.

DENISE: Let me just say that

that scares me but good.

I feel my blood pressure coming down,

and I'm not gassy no more.

(chuckles)

We can all leave now.

The killer could still be out there!

Well, he's probably gone by now.

Exactly like we should all be.

I mean, if we've learned
anything from all of this,

it's that he's crazier
than us and smarter than us.

And even though we seem unwilling to do

whatever it takes to survive,

he's not gonna stop
until all of us are dead.

He is the predator,

and we... are the prey.

The only way to stop the killings...

cut off his food supply.

Wait... When did he start eating us?

Yeah. Well, you know,

you guys are more than welcome to stay here

and be the next on his list, but
I am leaving campus immediately.

(sighs) Not that it matters.

I wouldn't put it past him

to hunt all of us down, one by one.

Let's wait and hear if
she makes it downstairs

to make sure the killer isn't still here.

Mm-hmm.

Are there any direct flights
from Oakland to London?

(groans) It doesn't matter.

'Cause I'll come to you.

You know...

we haven't actually kissed yet.

(laughs): Where are you going?

(pants) I want this to be perfect.

I need my lotions, my silk robe,

my sensual massage oils,
a bottle of champagne,

and chocolate-covered strawberries.

You have all that in your room?

Playa.

Listen... (kiss) ten minutes.

(laughs)

(clattering, footsteps)

(exhales)

Boone?

I thought you were dead.

Yes. I am his ghost.

I am Ghost Boone, but you
can just call me Boone.

Nice shirt.

Thank you.

You know what it's made out of?

What?

Boyfriend material.

So listen, the afterlife

is kind of a weird place.

Um, I don't know if you know this

about me, but...

I was a pretty amazing
person when I was alive.

And because of that, when I got to Heaven

they offered me whatever
I wanted... but I said

what I want more than anything...

is to come back down
to earth, as a ghost...

and make sweet love to Zayday Williams.

A couple times.

Maybe we can even date for a little while.

There's just one problem.

I don't believe in ghosts.

Well, then how do you
explain me being here?

You faked your death.

GRACE: Hey, Zayday, have you seen my...

(gasps) Oh, my God, Boone?

Boone is in here trying to seduce me

with the oldest line in the
book: he says he's a ghost.

Wait. This all makes sense...
Of course you would fake

your own death... so no one
would suspect you. Are you trying

to say I'm the Red Devil
Killer? 'Cause that's insane.

We both know how you got

this birthmark on your hand!

From when I stabbed you in your evil lair.

You're coming with us!

Come on!

Come on, come on!

(grunting, shouting)

(body thumps)

What's going on? It looks
like you saw a ghost. We did.

No, we didn't.
Boone was upstairs.

What?
Yes,

except he's not dead!

That makes no sense.

How can Boone be a ghost if he's not dead?

Because he's not a ghost.

CHANEL #5: This is insane!

If we stay in this house,
we are all going to die!

I mean, why are we even still here?!

I am not staying in this
house for a moment longer.

I am leaving right now and I am going home.

Number Five, don't go...

actually I'm totally fine with her leaving.

As you were, ladies.

(hissing breaths nearby)

(choking)

(coughs, pants)

(continues panting)

But I... I thought you were dead.

Wasn't.

("This Town" by The
Go-Go's plays over radio)

RADIO ANNOUNCER: Ladies and
gentlemen, we interrupt The Go-Go's

to give you an emergency news bulletin.

There is currently an APB,
or all-points bulletin,

to be on the lookout for Boone Clemens

in connection to the
recent Red Devil killings.

Boone is very handsome
but police are requesting

that you not approach him,
as he may be dangerous.

He also may or may not be gay.

Now, back to The Go-Go's.

(song continues)

(truck horn blaring)

(horn continues blaring)

(tires screeching) Litter the streets of...

(groaning)

What is the matter with you?!

Call the cops. There's someone
in the back seat of your car.

He was going to kill you.

I was trying to warn you.

Every time he popped up to get you,

I would honk and flash my high beams

and it would scare him back down.

Okay, well, I'm really sorry about that,

but you have to admit
that what you were doing

was super confusing.

There's no one back here.

Wow.

I could have swore I saw someone.

Granted I am pretty high on Adderall

and I've been on the road
for 35 hours straight.

But I'm telling you, he was there.

He had this machete looking thing.

(screaming)

(tires squealing)

(tires screeching)

(vacuum sealer buzzing)

HESTER: So why not me?

Okay, first of all,

do not startle me while I'm packing.

I take packing very seriously.

I was just in a zone...

now I'm out of the zone.

I just want to know why it isn't me

you're taking home for
Thanksgiving in the Hamptons.

First things first. It's Hester, right?

Yes.

Okay. Hester.

What is going on with the neckbrace?

My spinal column was collapsing,

so I decided to bedazzle my
neckbrace and put it back on.

Honestly, you're the
first person to even notice

that I'm wearing it again.

That's how seamlessly it goes
with my designer wardrobe.

But you haven't answered my question.

What, as to why I'm inviting Chanel

to Radwell Thanksgiving and not you?

Okay, let me see if I can explain this

(to someone who's A) Not a psychology major

(and B) Clearly doesn't get the fact

that I've obviously been ignoring you.

Okay, here are the top five reasons

I'm not inviting you to Thanksgiving:

Reason number one.

Last time we porked,

I heard a tiny little squeal

like somebody letting air out of a balloon

followed by the smell of death.

I feel like you farted.

Reason number two.

You wear a huge flippin' neckbrace.

That means you've got bum genes

and those bum genes would
pollute the Radwell gene pool.

Reason number three.

Your breath, it always smells like you just

ate a cheeseburger. Seriously,

it's like making out with the Hamburglar.

Reason number four.

You, my friend, have a poo belly.

Might have something to do
with all the cheeseburgers.

Reason number five.

Uh, this just in... you're not rich

and Chanel is loaded.

So, huh, doi, Neckbrace,

that's who I'm bringing
home to meet my parents.

Well...

I guess we'll just have to see how it goes

bringing Chanel home for Thanksgiving.

Yeah, I guess we will see,

as that's what's going to happen.

I guess we'll just have to wait and see.

Yeah, we will wait and see,

as Thanksgiving is an event
that takes place in the future

and therefore it hasn't happened yet.

We'll see.

Yep, sure will.

As the arrow of time
flows in one direction,

causing future events to
flow inexorably towards us.

(blows)

Wh...

Okay, just so we're clear,

I only caught this kiss...

so I could throw it away.

(vacuum sealer buzzing)

I can't do this.

I can't believe it.

Earl Grey is dead.

It had to be Boone who killed him.

You know what I can't believe?!

I cannot believe that
no one is comforting me

after I was almost
murdered by the Red Devil,

who was in the back seat of my car

and then barely escaped

as some poor old truck driver

was hacked to death with a machete!

And then, you know,

I thought I'd at least get some props

for coming back with such
an amazing scary story.

CHANEL: Actually, Number Five,

that story is neither scary nor amazing.

That story is an exact
facsimile of the Hook Hand story

Hester told about an hour ago.

Honestly, if you're going to get attacked,

please attempt to get attacked
in a fresh, exciting way.

We have to concentrate...
The pieces of this puzzle

are coming together.

Yes, we know now that
Boone is the Red Devil.

There's more than one Red Devil, moron.

Well, now we know Boone is one of them.

Which means he's probably
the baby in the bathtub.

ZAYDAY: We should call the police.

They've got to find him.

GRACE: Already did. The police
put out an all-points bulletin

and Denise is aiding the manhunt.

The police aren't going to help us.

You can't stop a ghost.

Oh, my God,

I'm so freaked out.

Will someone please tell a ghost story?

HESTER: I have a ghost story.

It's a good one.

It's about a girl who never fit in.

As much as she tried to be popular,

the mean girls were always
trying to tear her down.

They could never see past her neckbrace.

She soon realized the only way to get back

at these girls would be to
screw Chanel's boyfriend,

Chad Radwell, and wreak ultimate vengeance.

What?
That's right, Chanel,

her name is me.

And guess what, bitch, I'm pregnant!

This is insane.

Looks like I'll be going to the Hamptons

for Thanksgiving with the Radwells.

(quietly): Guess who's top
bitch on campus now, Chanel?

(creaking)

Are you still packing?

Uh, excuse me for taking pride
in a quality pack job, Chanel.

Packing matters to me.

That's why I chose to
minor in Luggage Sciences

with an emphasis in Packing Theory.

Is it true about Hester?

She's pregnant.

(sighs heavily)

(quietly): Oh, man.

Oh, no.

Oh...

I really screwed up.

So it's true?

(Chad sighs)

I guess so.

I mean, most of the time we porked in a way

that could not result in pregnancy,

if you know what I mean.

(sighs)

But I always knew I had a
sackful of strong swimmers.

Chad.

I'm sorry, Chanel.

Look, I'm as pissed off
about this as you are.

That Hester chick is weird.

Tossing her the bone was
not even all that fun.

But I guess I got to marry her now.

Take her home to Thanksgiving.

Wait, what?!

I'm sorry, Chanel,

that's just how the Radwells roll.

We make our beds and we lie in them.

We lie in them with our

creepy neckbraced scoliosis wives.

But look...

you could still be my piece on the side.

No, this is not happening!

I will not tolerate being treated this way,

do you understand?

This is the last straw.

I'm sorry, Chanel. I am.

I-I... I just don't get
what you want me to do.

I want you to pay.

Okay, uh, hold on. What?

You heard me.

You are gonna pay, big-time,
for this, Chad Radwell.

You might even just pay the ultimate price.

Ultimate...? Wait, hold up.

Did you just threaten to kill me?

Chanel, are you the killer?

I guess we'll see.

Chanel 3, 5...

I owe you both the most
heartfelt of apologies.

Remember when I said that the only thing

a sorority's ever been good for

is scoring a hot, rich husband?

Well, I have never been so wrong.

Kappa House is, and always has been,

first and foremost, a sisterhood

and I have never needed my sisters

more than I need them now.

Yeah, okay, apology accepted.

Hold on.

I am not just going to accept
any old apology, Chanel.

I mean, you treat me like
garbage every single day.

Am I just supposed to
ignore the obvious fact

that you hate me and love nothing more

than playing
super-humiliating pranks on me?

Why do you always have to
make everything about you?

Like, remember that one time

when you hacked into my mom's e-mail

and wrote me this really long letter

explaining how I was adopted

and born with fetal alcohol syndrome

and therefore, had an IQ in the low 60s?

I'm sorry, but that was hilarious.

I stand by that prank.

Look, Number Five, sisters
don't always get along,

but that doesn't mean they're not sisters.

CHANEL: See? Exactly.

Thank you, Number Three.

Okay, now that we're a sisterhood again,

we have to figure out a
way to get rid of Chanel 6.

When you say get rid of her,

do you mean, like, force her to leave,

or kill her?

Honestly, Number Five,
do you think I'm insane?

The bitch seduced my boyfriend
into getting her pregnant.

Of course I mean kill her.

Chanel, you cannot just
run around murdering people.

Okay? That just means you're the killer.

It makes her a killer, not the killer.

What?

Okay, I just-I just don't understand

what killing Number Six is going to solve.

Um, hello! Everything?

Number Six will be dead,
I'll get back my invite

to Thanksgiving at the Radwell
Family Compound in the Hamptons,

and I'll be back on track
to getting the only thing

a sorority's ever
been good for...

Scoring a hot husband with
an enormous family fortune.

Wait, you just said that you don't care

about any of those
things and the only thing

that really mattered to you was sisterhood.

Yeah. That was when I thought I had taken

our lifelong friendship for
granted and had lost it forever.

But now that I see
we're stronger than ever,

i.e. planning a murder together,

I can concentrate on the things
I care way, way, way more about

than sisterhood, e.g. hot
husband, extreme wealth,

et cetera, et cetera. Try to keep up.

The logic's not that complicated.

Now, come
on... murder,

ideas, go.

I understand that you're very upset,

but this is a critical
time in our investigation.

Now, Deidre is the best
sketch artist in the business.

So, if you can just close your eyes

and do your best to describe Boone,

we can get a drawing of
the suspect out on the news.

You already have, like, 50 photos of him!

Oh, dear God.

Boone faked his own death.

He has been walking around
campus in a disguise for weeks.

He's murdered 13 people.

We need to call, like, the
FBI or something because

this is clearly out of your
capacity as a detective.

I happen to agree with you.

Which is why I've asked Paul Cameron

to come assist with this investigation.

I'm the founder of an organization

called the Department Of
Paranormal Exploration or DOPE.

CHISOLM: I feel it may be
time to let you ladies in

on a little secret.

Since these killings began,

I have focused my investigation
on a single theory...

That the perpetrator of these murders

was not being caught...

because he's a ghost.

Oh, my God.
Now, these recent developments

have proven, much to my horror,

that I am right.
If I may,

I'd like to set up some of my equipment

to get some electromagnetic field readings.

Maybe see if the microphones
pick up any ghost chatter.

Now, I must warn you,

if your boyfriend

was murdered, he may not be ready

to pass over, and may
come pay you a visitation.

If that happens,

I beg of you, do not have sex with him.

What is wrong with you? He's
the best in the business.

He had a callback for that
show on the Syfy Channel

where they run around with
the night vision goggles. Look,

let me handle this.

Oh, like you've handled all this so far?

All you've done is sit back and watch

as we've gotten picked off one by one.

Earl Grey was a good man, with
powerful arms and a sexy accent,

and now he's dead.

His blood is on your hands!

I'm sorry, Dean. She's wrong.

No.

She's not.

You know,

the only benefit of meeting you

is that I now know I clearly have a type,

and that type is a moron.

I am not only gonna make sure

that you are taken off this case and fired,

but I'm gonna make sure
that everyone you know knows

that when we had sex,
you asked me in baby talk

if you could nurse from me.

Please show yourself out.

If you came here to apologize,
we're not interested.

Oh, I never say I'm sorry.

I've done what I had to do

for the sake of this school

and my career, both of which

will be here long after you

or any of the students here are gone,

either through graduation or death.

I am shocked that your husband left you.

I do have something

that might be of interest to you

about that night in the tub.

There were two babies.

A boy and a girl.

Twins.

After I sent your mother

and her two slightly
less bitchy friends out

to get pillow cases and shovels,

the girl in the tub let out a death rattle

that was so loud and powerful

that she expelled a second child

from her freshly dead womb.

I knew it!

Congratulations...

on making this moment all about you.

Are you saying that Boone is the boy baby?

My money's on yes.

That newborn had that same...

cocky smirk that Boone has.

The one girl in the bathroom
who seemed to have any humanity

took the babies.

That was the last I ever saw of them.

But how did the babies end
up in a mental institution?

More importantly, how did
the babies end up with Gigi?

I mean, I was wearing
the "sure thing oxford,"

I used the cash Chad gave me
to get this awesome hotel suite,

and I basically told her that
my soul could not be at rest

unless she got naked with me.
Seriously, what kind of person

just turns their back on
someone's soul like that?

You know, I'm beginning to think

she's not as amazing as I thought she was.

No.

Where is Gigi? Didn't
you tell her midnight?

Hey, did I show you the knife
I got at the Army supply store

to kill her with?

It's super fly. You're gonna love this.

(exhales)

Ouch. (chuckles)

(lock beeps, clicks)

(door opens)

Oh. I see that you're enjoying
the good life. Don't start

with the judgment, Gigi, all right?

I've had a really tough day.

You know, there's an
all-points bulletin out

for your arrest.

You jeopardized a plan

that was almost 20 years in the making

when you kidnapped Zayday. Then...

you disobeyed my instructions

to only come out in the Devil costume,

and strolled around
campus in broad daylight

disguised as... Joaquin Phoenix.

That disguise was brilliant,
which is more than I can say

- for you, Justice Scalia.
- I'm not finished.

You then...

have the brilliant idea of actually going

to Kappa as yourself,

wearing a date shirt and
trying to convince Zayday

to sleep with you...
because you're a ghost.

Boone...

you are...

the weakest link.

I spent the first few
months of my life motherless,

living off scraps of
garbage and stolen milk.

I grew up in an institution
surrounded by people

that called themselves Timothy Busfield

and ate their own poop.

We've followed all your rules,

gone along with all your plans,

but I'm the one

who spent four years of my life

learning how to slow my
breathing and heart rate down

to the point where even a trained coroner

would declare me dead.

I studied film makeup

for eight months straight,

and practiced on the
patients, so I could create

the perfect slash mark on my throat.

BOONE: I pretended to be gay,

and went undercover in the
Dickie Dollars scholars,

and I was the one who masterfully pretended

to attack you with a chain saw
just to get the scent off you.

Are you about to break into song?

Because all I'm hearing
out of your mouth is,

So yes, Gigi, for once in my life,

I went rogue and took a
little something for myself.

My mother would have understood.

But, of course, you don't.

Because no matter what you like to pretend,

you're not her.

(whispers): What are you doing?

I'm sorry, Gigi.

We're done taking orders from you.

We're grown-ups now.

It's time for you to go.

What? No. No.

No, no, no! No! (gasps)

(choking)

(panting)

(exhales)

Your commitment to revenge is...

clearly greater than your brother's was.

Should we get some room service?

HESTER: I have to say, Chanel,

I am delighted and shocked
that you're letting me keep

whatever clothes I want...
It's really big of you,

considering the whole "I'm pregnant
with your boyfriend's baby" thing.

Well, honestly, the
more I thought about it,

I just realized that

I love Chad so much, and part

of loving someone is loving
every choice they make,

regardless of how selfish and
destructive it is, you know?

Thank you, Mommy. Oh, and if you want

to start calling me Mommy,
now being that I'm the one

that's gonna actually be the mommy,

I'm totally fine with that.

Number Six, before you try on that kimono,

why haven't you had any of this sushi?

I mean, we got it just for you.

Mm, don't mind if I do.

(chuckles)

Mmm. That's so good.

Mm-hmm.

Oh, and do yourself a favor,

have a little slice of that

soft, unpasteurized cheese.

It makes any sushi

that much more delicious.

Mmm! You're right.

Oh, and, Hester, you have
got to taste this champagne.

It's a special champagne with
triple the alcohol and a...

nicotine-y mouth feel, because
it's infused with tobacco.

Mmm.

De-lish!

CHANEL: Liar!

HESTER: What the hell is going on?

You're trapped in a web of lies, whore.

You just had sushi,
soft cheese and alcohol...

Three foods that are damaging to embryos.

Which means you're not
pregnant! That's not true!

I didn't know anything about the whole...

sushi-cheese-alcohol
thing!

Fine! Prove it.

You're not leaving this room

until you've peed on every single one

of these pregnancy tests.

(chuckles)

Hmm... I had all three
of you fooled, didn't I!

Fine, you got me. I'm not pregnant.

But it doesn't matter, because
Chad still thinks that I am,

and being that he already purchased
our first-class airfare to the Hamptons,

that means that I'll be the one
attending Thanksgiving, where I'll have

ample opportunity to get
pregnant all weekend long!

(gasps quietly)

CHANEL (screeching): I'll
kill you, Neckbrace...!

(shrieking)

Hester, I'm sorry.

What did you say?

Hester, I am so sorry.

I'm sorry you've had to go through life

feeling like an outcast, and...

I'm sorry that I got angry

that Chad's clearly chosen you over me.

It's just that ever since

you walked through those doors...

I knew you were gonna be the
one to take it all away from me.

Really?

No.

(scream echoing)

(Chanel gasps) (bone cracks)

(crying): Oh, my God.

You killed her!

Chanel #6 is dead!

I realize that my killing Neckbrace

might just seem like a bridge too far,

but trust me when I say this had to happen.

And I'm confident that I'll be able

to redeem myself morally
in everyone's eyes.

(sighs) And furthermore,

what I just did will
become a new ghost story.

A cautionary tale

about what happens to hog-faced bitches

who try to steal hotter Kappas' boyfriends.

A story that'll be told around the campfire

by Kappa pledges for centuries to come.

(Chanel chuckles)

(takes deep breath)

Okay... let's get her in that meat locker.

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