All language subtitles for Schitts Creek s01e12 Surprise Party.eng

David: Nope. Nope.

- Alexis: Huh?
- David: N... Nope. Nope.

- (Knock at the door)
- David: No. No. No.

Johnny: Kids, just came in to
remind you to keep Saturday open.

What's Saturday?

What's Saturday? It's
your mother's birthday.

Alexis: No... her birthday
is the second weekend in May.

That's Mother's Day, honey.

- Alexis: I don't think so.
- David: I just don't think that

this is the year to be doing something big.

Oh, why? Because we're here, in this town?

All the more reason to do something.

Alexis: Um... I actually agree with David.

Um... plus, I'm gonna be
in Chicago this weekend.

- Johnny: You're what?
- Alexis: Ted's taking me.

We've been planning this
for a super long time, so.

David: Well, can I come?

- Alexis: No.
- Johnny: Okay, here's a newsflash

for both of you. You're not going anywhere

and we're planning a surprise
party for your mother.

David: (Laughs) No. That's
not... That's not a good idea.

That's not a good idea?

Where would you even throw a
party like that in this town?

I don't know. I haven't
thought that through yet.

Maybe Roland's house.

Listen to the words
coming out of your mouth.

Then you plan it.

- David: What? No!
- Alexis: Oh, snap, David!

Johnny: Talk to the hand, son,
because the ears are no longer working.

- Oh my God.
- 'Kay, that's not at all how that works, so...

Cancel your trip, Alexis,

because the travel agent
is out of the office.

Alexis: It's so uncomfortable
when he does stuff like that.

- David: No. Absolutely not.
- Alexis: I feel so weird about it.

- Synced and corrected by ChrisKe -
- www.addic7ed.com -

(Birds chirp)

And on Saturday, we have the afternoon off,

so I booked us... a Chicago's
best deep dish pizza tour.

Alexis: Oh my God.

Well, that's probably gonna have to change,

but what else did you book for us?

Uh, well, we're staying at the Clarendon
Executive Suites and apartments downtown.

- Alexis: Oh my God.
- Ted: Got upgraded.

Alexis: Does that mean room service?!

- Ted: Yeah.
- Alexis: Babe! (Door opens)

- David: Hi!
- Alexis: Hey.

David: Had an idea for mom's
stupid surprise party thing.

- Alexis: Oh, yeah, yeah.
- David: What if we told her that it was a fund-raiser?

- She'd have to say yes, right?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- 'Cause she'd have to come then, right?
- Totally, totally, yeah.

- David: She loves the fundraisers and...
- Alexis: She loves them.

Ted: Wait. When's the big party?

Oh, it's this... Saturday.

Alexis, did you not tell Ted
about your change of plans?

David, I told you that I couldn't come...

- Ted: It's this Saturday?
- Alexis: To that.

Yeah. But, David, I did tell you that I...

Won't be able to attend, so...

Ted: Well, Lex, I mean...

You can't miss your own
mother's surprise party.

I am with... I'm with Ted on this one.

But, babe, you're going to...

A veterinary conference in a Chicago suburb

and I think that's... that's
really important for us.

Yeah, I know. Here's just
the thing about our mom:

She'll be really devastated
if Alexis doesn't come,

and I'm sure you're from
a really solid home and...

- Alexis: David...
- David: Understand.

(Quietly) I'm gonna slap you in the face.

Um... but babe, what about the um...

The travelling pizza tour that was so...

yeah, and I'm also gonna need
you to ask Mutt for the barn

'cause I'm thinking of heading in that
sort of aesthetic direction for the party.

Um, and I know that you guys have
a close working relationship, so...

No. No.

Sweetie, there will
be other conferences.

I really think that you
need to be here for this.

Me too.

David, you and mom literally ruin my life.

(Vacuum whirs)

Johnny: Roland!

Roland: Hey! Johnny Rose!

(Turns vacuum off)
How are you?

- Johnny: I'm good!
- Roland: Good.

- Johnny: Listen. Need a big favour.
- Roland: Sure.

Johnny: Saturday is Moira's birthday

and we want to throw her a surprise party.

- Oh!
- So, we need an excuse to get

her all dressed up and out of the house.

Well, dinner at our place. Problem solved.

Johnny: Well... tempting,

but it's gotta be something
fancy and, uh, elegant.

You know, black tie.

So we're thinking maybe Jocelyn is throwing

her "annual charity fundraiser."

She hasn't mentioned
anything to me about it.

Why would she mention it?

(Dry chuckle) Well, Johnny, uh...

If she's planning a fundraiser,

I think Jocelyn would mention
something about it to her husband.

It's not a real fundraiser, Roland.

It's just a pretend fundraiser
to get Moira out of the house.

You see, I-I could tell
her about it myself,

but she would catch on because it
falls on the same night as her birthday,

so she's gotta hear about the fundraiser

from someone who doesn't
know it's her birthday.

Okay, so then you want me to
find somebody who doesn't know.

Johnny: No. I want you to tell her.

But that doesn't make any sense.

I know it's her birthday.

You only know it's her birthday because
I just told you it's her birthday.

Moira doesn't know you
know it's her birthday.

- Roland I won't tell her.
- Johnny: Why would you tell her?

I won't tell her is what I'm saying to you.

I won't tell her, so don't worry about it.

Okay, but now I am worried.
I am worried... now.

Look, I'm taking Moira out for coffees.

We're going up to the
caf?, okay, this afternoon.

- Roland: Uh-huh.
- Johnny: And that would be a great time for you to stop by

and drop the information
about the fundraiser.

Tell me you understand the plan.

Yes, Johnny, I understand the plan!

Jeez! And I don't appreciate
being talked to like a child!

Johnny: Okay, I'm sorry. Roland-

- Well, I'm sorry. It's a little demeaning.
- Look, I'm sorry.

It's just so important.
This is really important.

I wanna make sure you understand the plan.

Okay! I understand, all right?

- Okay.
- I just think it's awfully short notice

to start planning a fundraiser.

(Yelling) There is no fundraiser!

- Roland: Right. No fundraiser.
- Johnny: It's pretend!

Pretend. It's fun time.

(Door opens and closes)

David: So I... am gonna
need a lift to Elmdale.

What does it look like I'm doing?

I don't know, nothing?

I'm working.

- David: Oh, you are?
- Stevie: Yes. I have a job

that I just can't leave
to drive you to Elmdale.

Okay... yeah, and I totally respect that.

It's just that I found a
Ganache Torte in Elmdale

and I really need to pick it up
before my mom's birthday thing, so...

I work until six.

Okay, but like is anyone
checking in this afternoon?

- Stevie: It's a cake.
- David: It's a torte!

Um... is there something going on?

You could always just hitch-hike?

And wake up chained to a
pole in a trucker's basement?

- Not today.
- Well, I'm working... At my job,

so I can't just up and
leave because you want cake.

Okay. Well, when you put it like that,

it makes me sound ridiculous...

Um... which I'm not.

So... thank you...
(Annoyed laugh)

For your services this afternoon.

(Door opens and bangs shut)

(Birds chirp)

(Music plays quietly, door bells jingle)

Roland: Hey! Hey... sorry I'm late, Johnny.

Had a little memorizing... To do.

Late for... late for what, Roland?

- I don't know what you mean?
- For Jocelyn's big shindig.

I'm here to personally
invite the two of you

to, um, a um... annual,
um, elegant dress-up event

that Jocelyn is hosting.

Um... well, no, I'm not inviting you,

but I'm saying we're...
We'll see each other there...

At the very big event
that Jocelyn is hosting.

The whole town will go to this event.

They'll all be dressed up and um...

Did I
- did I say that it's a fundraiser?

Oh, sorry, Johnny. Let me start over here.

Why are you apologizing to me?

You don't have to apologize to me.

No, no. It's a fundraiser
for the thing with the...

Children that...

The-with the mouth... Uh, cleft palates,

and um... Joc' does it every year-

well, uh, Roland, you know what?

We're-we're... Probably just gonna be

hanging around the...
motel on Saturday, you know.

Roland: Yeah, no, I'm sure. It's uh...

Hard to look at those kids
and all that, I get it.

But you know what? We'll dress them up too.

Moira: Put us down for four tickets.

- Johnny: Really. Moira: Oh
yes, it's the least we can do

to support Jocelyn's
philanthropic endeavours.

Oh! Okay.

Roland: Well, I'm sure Jocelyn
would really appreciate it.

Well, listen, thank you, Roland, for that.

Roland: You're welcome.

(Whispers loudly) I think that went well!

Johnny: Okay, thank you.

Roland: Okay. So I guess I'll
see you soon then, Johnny.

Yeah... bye-bye.

Roland: Yes, goodbye, Johnny.

(Sign thumps on ground, car speeds by)

(Horn blasts, tires squeal)

Oh, sorry!

Ugh! Could you be going any faster?

Mutt: Well, we should put that up quick.

Alexis: Um... so we're planning
this surprise for my mom

that's totally not gonna work

and I'm supposed to ask you
if we can borrow your barn.

But if you can't take the
night off from bedding women,

I totally... understand.

Well, who says I can't do both?

(Car rumbles nearby)

You had a bug in your hair.

Oh. (Laughs) Ew!

(Door opens)

(Car rumbles)

- Moira: Jocelyn!
- Jocelyn: Moira, hi!

Moira: Jocelyn, I'm so
glad I've run into you.

Roland was mentioning your
fundraiser earlier today

and it got me thinking...

Jocelyn: My what?

Your annual fundraiser for the
children with troubled mouths.

Oh, right. Yes. It's
gonna be q-quite a night.

I hope so, 'cause I'd like to be involved.

- Jocelyn: With...?
- Moira: Your fundraiser.

As I'm sure you know, I was on the board

of some of the most
profitable not-profits,

from San Francisco to London.

And after speaking with Roland,

I realized I was remiss not to gift you

with my wealth of experience.

Wow! That's very generous of you, Moira.

I was gonna ask you, but
I didn't wanna impose.

Jocelyn, you must stop
being intimidated by me.

It's unnerving.

- Jocelyn: Sorry.
- Moira: No, it's fine. Just say thank you.

- Jocelyn: Thank you?
- Moira: There you go! My pleasure!

Oh, (Bleep)!

What do you mean, you didn't get the cake?

David: The only Chocolate Ganache
cake I could find, was in Elmdale,

and I asked Stevie to
drive me but she said no

because I think she's going through
something right now. Moira: David!

David: I don't know.
Something with her body.

Moira: David, I need you.

I was speaking to Jocelyn about this
fundraiser she's apparently organizing-

Johnny: Whoa-whoa, you-you
were talking to Jocelyn?

Moira: Yes, about the
fundraiser, and the poor thing

looked like a deer
caught in the headlights.

And I cannot stand by and watch this woman

drive a perfectly worthy
cause into the ground.

So, David, you and I...
We're gonna help her.

David: Okay.

I asked you to get her
invited to the fundraiser,

not involved in the fundraiser.

Johnny: The fundraiser was your idea!

You didn't think your
mother would get involved

in planning a fundraiser?

My God, she had Hilary shaking last year

at the Clinton foundation dinner.

God! Roland. Roland. Stupid Roland.

David: Roland?! How did
Roland get involved in this?

I got him involved, it
was a bad mistake, okay?

But look, it'll be fine.

I will get the cake with your sister.

All you've gotta do is keep
your mother under control.

The North Korean army could
not keep my mother under control

when it comes to event planning.

(Johnny snores)

(Country music plays on the radio)

(Hard bump)

Johnny: What? Huh? Oh!

(Sighs) How long was I sleeping?

Alexis: I dunno, like forty-five maybe.

Johnny: Oh?

(Sighs) Where are we?

Alexis: Um, we're almost there.

The last sign I saw said
"exit Elmdale," so...

I haven't seen it yet, but...

We should be getting there soon.

The last sign said "exit Elmdale?"

Mm-hmm.

Johnny: Well, that was the exit to Elmdale.

We've gone too far, we've gotta turn back!

- Alexis: But you were sleeping!
- Johnny: Well, wake me up!

Alexis: No! Because you're
so grumpy when you wake-

like you're grumpy right now.

- Johnny: Oh?!
- Alexis: Oh! (Huffs)

(Birds chirp)

Jocelyn: Well, Moira, in
regards to the decorations,

David was kind enough to offer me

an incredibly long list of
the things to stay away from.

Moira: Darling, one does not
just stick a red nose on it

and call it an event.

There is an order to these things.

Ronnie: Okay, here we go.

Moira: Again, what is the
organization that it's for?

- The surgeons...
- Uh...the doctors who un-cleft the mouths.

Never heard of it.

And who are the trustees?

David: I don't think they're gonna come.

Oh, how very churlish of
them. How much are tickets?

Jocelyn: Um... free?

David: We haven't figured
out the ticket price yet.

Ronnie: I'm not paying for this thing.

Oh my God! Do you people know
what the word fundraising means?

Ronnie: Why don't you leave that up to us.

Moira: Jocelyn, I need your
timeline and your checklist.

Your plan book.

Jocelyn: Well, we have a
plan. It's just we haven't...

You know, we're just, we're still working-

David: Listen, Jocelyn is
doing the best that she can...

Considering what little
Jocelyn has to work with.

Moira: David, personal
comments are in bad taste.

Okay, I'm trying to make
sense of these flowers.

David: What is wrong with the flowers?

They're seasonal and they... Tie
in all of the other design elements

that Jocelyn has come up with.

Moira: David, I'm sorry,
but it's coup d'?tat time.

If we don't force Jocelyn
to step down this moment,

I don't know how we're
gonna pull of this nightmare.

Ronnie: Why don't you
just sit this one out then?

And you are?

So... David?

(Decoration thumps lightly)

(Flabbergasted) I see.

Clearly you don't need the help of the most
prominent philanthropist in the country.

No.

Fine. I wish you all the best.

(Silence)

No, seriously, I might leave.

(Silence)

Okay, last warning. In three... two...

(Silence)

Oh my God. (Receding footsteps)

(Door creaks open, bangs shut)

Jocelyn: Well, I think she is
gonna be really surprised...

don't you?

(Birds chirp)

(Infomercial plays) Man: Nine ninety-nine.

And I'm telling you, you can't go wrong.

You go into a jewellery store,
you're gonna spend thousands.

- Woman: We have made it so simple...
- David: (Sighs)

Moira: Oh, David, I don't know how
you don't go mad with those people.

David: Well, those people are...

Putting a lot of energy into
raising money for those kids.

Jump ship. Save yourself.

Okay, I'm gonna ask you to put
some pieces together here for me.

We are throwing a "fundraiser"

that just so happens to be on
the same night as your birthday.

Must you rub it in?

We're throwing a
"fundraiser" on your birthday.

Now you're just being cruel.

The fundraiser isn't real.
It's not a real thing.

Oh... you're planning a birthday thing...

- Mm-hmm.
- That I'm not supposed to know about.

Mm-mm.

In a barn?

We can't afford the candles. They're $2.49.

They don't just come with the cake?

Johnny: No, apparently not.

Like matches when you buy cigarettes?

- Johnny: You smoke?
- Alexis: Um... no.

Can't we just ask them to give them to us?

This is not some co-op commune, Alexis.

You know, if there's a price
tag on it, you gotta pay for it.

Not if you just... take them.

Well, that would be low
bottom behavior, wouldn't it?

Okay, well, how do you
think I got these glasses

from the gas station?

You stole sunglasses?!

Alexis: Yeah! It's a gas station.

Johnny: Oh my God, I raised
a thief. Go wait in the car!

Wait in the car while I pay for this.

Alexis: Ugh! (Receding footsteps)

(Door opens and closes)

- Bakery clerk: Hi.
- Johnny: Hi. Johnny Rose.

I ordered a birthday cake.

Yeah, Chocolate Ganache?

Johnny: That's right.

(Music plays quietly)

Boy, it smells uh...

So delicious in here.

(Birds and crickets
chirp, light breeze blows)

Alexis: (Laughs) Whoa! Thank you.

Johnny: There we go, my dear.

Moira: Wait, wait, wait. One last check.

Gorgeous. Perfection.

Like your father the day I married him.

Look at us, the Roses,

attending this town's most
illustrious fundraising gala.

David: (Whispers) I think
you're overselling it just a bit.

Well, I don't see any
stragglers, so shall we go in?

I think we're fashionably late enough.

Alexis: There's nothing
fashionable about this, but-

after you, my dear.

Moira: Where are all the patrons?

Johnny: Well, I don't know.
Do we have the wrong night?

- (Lights click on)
- Everyone: Surprise!

(Over-the-top shock)
What?! There's no fundraiser?!

You're just here to celebrate me?

Oh, never in the history of surprises

has one been so delightfully blindsided.

(Laughs)

- Moira: Darling...
- Jocelyn: Oh...

Okay, who told her?

(Music plays)

- Dancers: Whew! Woo-hoo!
- (Giggles)

(Guests chatter and laugh,
"The Tennessee Waltz" plays)

- David: Oh, hi.
- Stevie: So your party's a big success.

- David: Mm. Mm-hmm. -
- Stevie: Congratulations.

- David: Yeah, thank you.
- Stevie: Your mom sure seemed surprised.

David: Yeah, my mom was... Very surprised.

And you got your cake.

Yeah, remember this cake? I'd
asked you to... Help me get it.

Yeah, so... I need to apologize
for my behavior earlier.

Mm-hmm.

I think it's just that this whole-

it's that lady time, huh?

- Stevie: Friend thing...
- David: Oh.

Is proving to be a bit tricky

and I think that in
building that barrier up,

I may have... built it a little high.

Okay. Um... well, if
the barrier's come down,

can two friends dance? Is that okay?

Uh... I normally only slow
dance with strangers, at bars...

- David: Right.
- Stevie: After I've had a few...

Uh-huh.

But um... I can make an exception.

Okay.

- David: Let's dance.
- Stevie: Okay.

Hey!

Um... you look really... Amazing.

Well, I didn't wanna be the
only one not wearing a suit.

Um, did you have to kill
a man to get it, or...?

- Mutt: I did.
- Alexis: (Laughs)

It took me a couple to find one in my size.

But um... you clean up well.

Ugh! Barely.

I wore this thing to prom
like a thousand years ago,

but... it did bring me
some luck that night,

so I wore it here tonight.

You were planning on getting lucky tonight?

(Laughs)

So um... where is Ted?
(Chuckles uncomfortably)

Um... he is at um...

Like a... a conference or
something tonight, so...

Do you wanna dance?

Yes... I do.

- Ted:
- Alexis!

- Alexis: Ted?!
- Ted: Hey!

(Kiss) Alexis: What're you doing here?

Well, I had someone take my last seminar.

I didn't wanna miss this.

- Hey, man.
- Hey.

Ted: Come on, let's dance.

Great suit, bud.

Thanks.

(Guests chatter, music plays)

Killed somebody for it.

Moira: Oh, I love my party, John.

But please don't ever do it again.

Well, the surprise was on me

'cause this town cleaned
itself up pretty well.

Moira: Mm-hmm.

What?

Hey!

[Breathless]

W... we're getting out.

[Screeching laughter]

Oh, my God.

- Synced and corrected by ChrisKe -
- www.addic7ed.com -

Repair and Synchronization by
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