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1
00:00:07,007 --> 00:00:09,174
Jeez!
2
00:00:09,175 --> 00:00:11,610
You see anybody?
No. No prowler.
3
00:00:11,611 --> 00:00:13,178
Listen.
4
00:00:13,179 --> 00:00:15,748
Next time you hear something,
don't call me, call the police.
5
00:00:15,749 --> 00:00:20,519
They're specially trained
to deal with people like you.
6
00:00:20,520 --> 00:00:22,621
Maybe the guy
made it into the basement
7
00:00:22,622 --> 00:00:24,957
And he's just hiding out
till the coast is clear.
8
00:00:24,958 --> 00:00:28,494
You'd have to break a window
to get into the basement.
9
00:00:28,495 --> 00:00:30,162
Did you hear a window break?
10
00:00:30,163 --> 00:00:31,730
No.
11
00:00:31,731 --> 00:00:33,499
But maybe
12
00:00:33,500 --> 00:00:36,735
He attached a suction cup
to the window pane,
13
00:00:36,736 --> 00:00:38,671
And cut a circle around it,
14
00:00:38,672 --> 00:00:41,874
And he silently removed
the glass and then climbed in.
15
00:00:45,578 --> 00:00:47,079
I didn't think of that.
16
00:00:47,080 --> 00:00:49,815
No, Dan.
17
00:00:49,816 --> 00:00:51,950
Better take that.
No, no, no, no.
18
00:00:51,951 --> 00:00:53,619
You keep it.
You need it more than I do.
19
00:00:53,620 --> 00:00:56,255
I have my sanity
to protect me.
20
00:00:56,256 --> 00:00:57,923
Be careful.
21
00:01:02,495 --> 00:01:04,596
Yeah, be careful
down there, Dan!
22
00:01:04,597 --> 00:01:09,134
I just oiled that
12-gauge last night. The action's real hot.
23
00:01:10,303 --> 00:01:11,670
Jackie!
What?
24
00:01:11,671 --> 00:01:14,473
Shut up!
25
00:01:14,474 --> 00:01:16,375
You see anything?
26
00:01:16,376 --> 00:01:18,744
Nothing. Ooh,
wait a minute. What's this?
27
00:01:18,745 --> 00:01:20,512
What?
28
00:01:20,513 --> 00:01:22,981
Dan?
29
00:01:22,982 --> 00:01:24,450
What do you see?
30
00:01:27,020 --> 00:01:28,387
Dan!
31
00:01:28,388 --> 00:01:32,391
If you are able to,
answer me!
32
00:01:32,392 --> 00:01:34,693
Your water
heater's leaking.
33
00:01:34,694 --> 00:01:37,596
A joint's gotta
be replaced.
34
00:01:37,597 --> 00:01:39,198
Um...
35
00:01:39,199 --> 00:01:41,467
How does someone do that?
36
00:01:41,468 --> 00:01:43,068
Same way
they do anything else.
37
00:01:43,069 --> 00:01:45,771
They ask their brother-in-law
to do it for them!
38
00:01:45,772 --> 00:01:47,206
[doorbell rings]
39
00:01:50,844 --> 00:01:52,644
What's going on? I saw
dan's truck outside.
40
00:01:52,645 --> 00:01:53,979
I thought
I heard a burglar!
41
00:01:53,980 --> 00:01:57,649
Really?
Yeah, but it was a false alarm.
42
00:02:02,188 --> 00:02:03,889
So you needed a man
to protect you,
43
00:02:03,890 --> 00:02:05,124
And you called Dan.
44
00:02:05,125 --> 00:02:08,127
Well, I was scared.
It was just instinct.
45
00:02:08,128 --> 00:02:10,262
And your instinct
was to call Dan.
46
00:02:10,263 --> 00:02:12,664
Well, Fred, my god!
47
00:02:12,665 --> 00:02:13,932
You know, i'm sorry
I called Dan
48
00:02:13,933 --> 00:02:15,067
Because I
heard a burglar.
49
00:02:15,068 --> 00:02:16,402
And, by the way,
i'm fine.
50
00:02:16,403 --> 00:02:18,470
And so is your child.
Thanks for asking.
51
00:02:18,471 --> 00:02:20,973
Oh, hey, Fred.
I'm gonna need a wrench.
52
00:02:20,974 --> 00:02:22,041
What do you
need a wrench for?
53
00:02:22,042 --> 00:02:24,677
Water heater's leaking.
I'll fix it.
54
00:02:24,678 --> 00:02:28,180
I'm already greasy. No sense
in both of us having to wash our hands tonight.
55
00:02:28,181 --> 00:02:30,949
No, really.
I'll fix it.
56
00:02:30,950 --> 00:02:33,786
Knock yourself out.
57
00:02:33,787 --> 00:02:35,421
I gotta get home anyway.
58
00:02:35,422 --> 00:02:37,222
It's Graham Cracker night.
59
00:02:39,626 --> 00:02:42,394
Why don't you just
let Dan fix the water heater?
60
00:02:42,395 --> 00:02:43,696
He's the one
that installed it.
61
00:02:43,697 --> 00:02:47,866
Right.
And it's leaking.
62
00:02:47,867 --> 00:02:49,335
[baby crying]
63
00:02:49,336 --> 00:02:51,136
Why are you so angry?
64
00:02:51,137 --> 00:02:53,939
Oh, gee, I don't know.
Maybe there's nothing to be angry about.
65
00:02:53,940 --> 00:02:57,776
I guess Dan should just fix
the leak and I should shut up.
66
00:02:57,777 --> 00:02:59,678
Oh, see?
67
00:02:59,679 --> 00:03:03,349
My milk
is coming out.
68
00:03:03,350 --> 00:03:04,616
Can't you hold it?
69
00:03:04,617 --> 00:03:10,122
Yes, Fred, and I can also
write my name in the carpet.
70
00:03:10,123 --> 00:03:11,824
Well, why
did that happen?
71
00:03:11,825 --> 00:03:14,526
You woke the baby,
he started crying
72
00:03:14,527 --> 00:03:16,395
And now i'm leaking.
73
00:03:16,396 --> 00:03:18,230
Oh! Well, hang on!
74
00:03:18,231 --> 00:03:20,399
I'll get Dan!
75
00:04:41,247 --> 00:04:42,781
What are you doing?
76
00:04:42,782 --> 00:04:45,517
Uh, movin' the couch
to see how much room we have for the wedding.
77
00:04:45,518 --> 00:04:47,586
Mm, okay.
78
00:04:50,357 --> 00:04:51,890
Honey?
79
00:04:51,891 --> 00:04:54,326
You know, Dan,
i've been telling you all week,
80
00:04:54,327 --> 00:04:57,763
I got a really bad feeling
about this wedding.
81
00:04:57,764 --> 00:04:59,999
Mrs. Conner.
David?
82
00:05:00,000 --> 00:05:03,602
Sometimes it's easier to move
Mrs. Conner than it is to argue with her.
83
00:05:06,272 --> 00:05:09,375
Ho! God, look at that.
84
00:05:09,376 --> 00:05:11,010
It's a clean spot.
85
00:05:14,848 --> 00:05:16,815
I always thought we
had indoor-outdoor.
86
00:05:16,816 --> 00:05:19,585
This here is shag.
87
00:05:19,586 --> 00:05:21,887
Don't worry, honey.
We'll just cover the rest of the floor
88
00:05:21,888 --> 00:05:24,923
With furniture, and everyone
will think we got new carpet.
89
00:05:24,924 --> 00:05:27,493
No, Dan. Jackie
cannot have her wedding
90
00:05:27,494 --> 00:05:29,661
In a room
with a clean spot.
91
00:05:29,662 --> 00:05:32,464
This just proves
that my bad feeling was right.
92
00:05:32,465 --> 00:05:34,733
This is a sign.
93
00:05:34,734 --> 00:05:36,035
I know it is, dear.
94
00:05:36,036 --> 00:05:38,771
But we agreed we'd wait
for a really big sign,
95
00:05:38,772 --> 00:05:41,774
Something more concrete,
before you wrecked Jackie's life.
96
00:05:41,775 --> 00:05:43,842
A really big sign, Dan?
97
00:05:43,843 --> 00:05:48,080
What do you think of this?
God almighty has marked our carpet.
98
00:05:48,081 --> 00:05:50,649
You just had a shock.
I mean, this carpet thing,
99
00:05:50,650 --> 00:05:52,017
It'd upset anybody,
right, David?
100
00:05:52,018 --> 00:05:55,087
Uh, yeah.
I'm troubled by it.
101
00:05:55,088 --> 00:05:58,724
Look, honey, why don't you
just take a nice, hot bath
102
00:05:58,725 --> 00:06:02,294
And relax, and you'll see,
jackie's wedding will be a big success
103
00:06:02,295 --> 00:06:04,897
And jackie'll live
happily ever after.
104
00:06:04,898 --> 00:06:07,499
Do not talk down to me
105
00:06:07,500 --> 00:06:11,704
Like one of those husbands
who is not afraid of his wife.
106
00:06:13,039 --> 00:06:15,140
Calgon's under the sink.
107
00:06:17,911 --> 00:06:20,479
Mr. Conner, do you think
this is part of that
108
00:06:20,480 --> 00:06:22,314
"change of life" thing?
109
00:06:22,315 --> 00:06:25,651
Oh, if only
this were a change.
110
00:06:27,253 --> 00:06:28,821
Mr. Conner,
this could get a lot worse.
111
00:06:28,822 --> 00:06:30,889
And it will.
112
00:06:30,890 --> 00:06:32,925
But all we can do
is walk on eggshells,
113
00:06:32,926 --> 00:06:36,495
And keep Mrs. Conner
submerged in warm water.
114
00:06:36,496 --> 00:06:39,698
Why is she so upset?
I thought she wanted Jackie to get married.
115
00:06:39,699 --> 00:06:40,966
She does.
116
00:06:42,535 --> 00:06:46,205
But she's also unhappy
about losing Jackie to Fred.
117
00:06:46,206 --> 00:06:50,109
And David, Mrs. Conner
is never unhappy alone.
118
00:07:01,254 --> 00:07:03,489
[country music]
119
00:07:03,490 --> 00:07:05,391
Hey, man.
Sorry i'm late.
120
00:07:05,392 --> 00:07:07,693
Looks like i'm gonna have
to have a couple of beers to catch up with you.
121
00:07:07,694 --> 00:07:10,562
Six.
Wow!
122
00:07:10,563 --> 00:07:13,399
Anyway, let's talk
about the, um, bachelor party.
123
00:07:13,400 --> 00:07:15,768
Now, the women have forbidden us
from getting a stripper,
124
00:07:15,769 --> 00:07:17,403
So we're gonna have to hire
one of them nude models
125
00:07:17,404 --> 00:07:18,871
From the art school,
teach her how to dance.
126
00:07:18,872 --> 00:07:20,973
Hold it, hold it,
hold it, hold it.
127
00:07:20,974 --> 00:07:23,409
There's not gonna be
any bachelor party.
128
00:07:23,410 --> 00:07:26,412
What?
129
00:07:26,413 --> 00:07:31,116
Oh, of course there's
not gonna be a bachelor party.
130
00:07:31,117 --> 00:07:34,219
I gotcha. Anyway, I heard about
this shari lewis look-alike
131
00:07:34,220 --> 00:07:36,422
Who does something incredible
with lamb chop.
132
00:07:36,423 --> 00:07:38,424
I'm serious, Dan.
133
00:07:38,425 --> 00:07:41,026
I'm not even sure
there's gonna be a wedding.
134
00:07:41,027 --> 00:07:43,162
What?
135
00:07:43,163 --> 00:07:44,563
Hey, relax.
136
00:07:44,564 --> 00:07:46,565
Most guys get nervous
before their weddings.
137
00:07:46,566 --> 00:07:49,201
I think they call it
the moment of clarity.
138
00:07:49,202 --> 00:07:51,937
I'm tired of pretending that
i'm the one she really wants.
139
00:07:51,938 --> 00:07:54,940
Come on, man.
It's just cold feet.
140
00:07:54,941 --> 00:07:57,142
There's another guy.
141
00:07:57,143 --> 00:08:01,580
She sees him almost every day.
I'm not stupid!
142
00:08:01,581 --> 00:08:04,683
Oh, right. You don't
know Leon that well.
143
00:08:04,684 --> 00:08:06,919
Let me tell you...
144
00:08:06,920 --> 00:08:08,554
It's not Leon, okay?
145
00:08:08,555 --> 00:08:10,589
It's not Leon.
It's you.
146
00:08:13,793 --> 00:08:17,529
Me? Are you kiddin'?
147
00:08:17,530 --> 00:08:21,166
My own wife's
not even interested in me.
148
00:08:21,167 --> 00:08:25,237
Dan, you have no idea
how she talks about you.
149
00:08:25,238 --> 00:08:28,374
It's like you're the ideal man
and no other guys can live up to you.
150
00:08:28,375 --> 00:08:30,009
Come on, man.
You're talkin' stupid.
151
00:08:30,010 --> 00:08:34,513
She thinks
you're like a god.
152
00:08:34,514 --> 00:08:37,583
All right, look,
maybe a long time ago,
153
00:08:37,584 --> 00:08:39,752
When we first met,
but that's a 20-year crush.
154
00:08:39,753 --> 00:08:43,122
On me. Come on,
i'm not that great.
155
00:08:43,123 --> 00:08:45,424
Hey, can we have some more
pretzels here, honey?
156
00:08:51,464 --> 00:08:53,832
You know, nobody
even talks about it
157
00:08:53,833 --> 00:08:57,569
Because it's like the biggest,
dirtiest secret in the family.
158
00:08:57,570 --> 00:09:00,039
And I happen to know
that you love it.
159
00:09:00,040 --> 00:09:02,341
I do not love it.
160
00:09:02,342 --> 00:09:04,910
I'm not saying
it's not flattering...
161
00:09:04,911 --> 00:09:07,146
God, please. You know,
you totally egg her on.
162
00:09:07,147 --> 00:09:10,549
That's why she's always
having you come over to fix the same stuff.
163
00:09:10,550 --> 00:09:14,620
I don't egg her on.
I just do sloppy work!
164
00:09:14,621 --> 00:09:16,655
Hey, next time she
asks you over to help,
165
00:09:16,656 --> 00:09:19,591
Just cut out the middleman
and get into bed with her.
166
00:09:19,592 --> 00:09:21,727
That's enough.
167
00:09:21,728 --> 00:09:23,295
I'm telling you right now,
168
00:09:23,296 --> 00:09:24,863
I would never
take advantage of that,
169
00:09:24,864 --> 00:09:27,132
And i'm surprise you're even
talking like this about her.
170
00:09:27,133 --> 00:09:31,837
Oh, that's right,
because you're jackie's big protector.
171
00:09:31,838 --> 00:09:35,074
Okay. We're cutting you off.
I'm gonna drive you home.
172
00:09:35,075 --> 00:09:36,642
Get your hands
off of me.
173
00:09:36,643 --> 00:09:38,544
Okay, fine.
174
00:09:38,545 --> 00:09:39,712
But you're not
gonna drive home.
175
00:09:39,713 --> 00:09:41,180
Yeah, well,
neither are you.
176
00:09:43,283 --> 00:09:44,750
It's okay!
177
00:09:44,751 --> 00:09:46,585
He's getting married
in a couple of days.
178
00:09:52,792 --> 00:09:54,993
Somebody call him
a cab, would ya?
179
00:10:14,414 --> 00:10:17,649
Hi, Dan.
Hey, Jackie. Hey,Jackie!
180
00:10:17,650 --> 00:10:19,852
Dan, you know
what's up with Fred?
181
00:10:19,853 --> 00:10:23,122
I just dropped the baby off
and he's being really snippy.
182
00:10:23,123 --> 00:10:24,957
No. Nope,
no, no idea.
183
00:10:24,958 --> 00:10:26,792
I don't know
what's going on.
184
00:10:26,793 --> 00:10:28,627
It's like this
all the time, lately.
185
00:10:28,628 --> 00:10:31,196
Things have gotten really bad
between the two of us.
186
00:10:31,197 --> 00:10:34,233
Jackie, I don't think
you and me should be talking about you and Fred.
187
00:10:34,234 --> 00:10:36,235
Why? He say something
last night at the lobo?
188
00:10:36,236 --> 00:10:38,837
No, it's just I don't want
to get in the middle of this.
189
00:10:38,838 --> 00:10:40,973
Fred's like my best friend
and you and me, well,
190
00:10:40,974 --> 00:10:43,575
We're practically related. At
least that's how I look at it.
191
00:10:43,576 --> 00:10:45,911
My god, what happened
to your face?
192
00:10:45,912 --> 00:10:49,782
Nothin'. I just bumped into
roseanne's elbow last night.
193
00:10:49,783 --> 00:10:51,450
Apparently,
I was snoring.
194
00:10:51,451 --> 00:10:52,785
[snores]
195
00:10:52,786 --> 00:10:55,721
She really
caught you one.
196
00:10:55,722 --> 00:10:57,990
It's okay. Just, you know,
it's all right. Just...
197
00:10:57,991 --> 00:10:59,958
Ju... Ju...
[Roseanne] hey.
198
00:10:59,959 --> 00:11:05,431
Hey, she was just looking
at my face, that's all.
199
00:11:05,432 --> 00:11:08,133
I thought you and Fred
were gonna go ring shopping this morning.
200
00:11:08,134 --> 00:11:09,935
Well, I don't know,
we might not even need rings,
201
00:11:09,936 --> 00:11:12,771
'cause according to Fred,
there might not be a wedding.
202
00:11:12,772 --> 00:11:14,773
He actually
said that to me.
203
00:11:14,774 --> 00:11:15,941
Really?
Yeah.
204
00:11:15,942 --> 00:11:18,243
But it's just cold feet.
Right?
205
00:11:18,244 --> 00:11:20,813
People say crazy things all the
time before they get married.
206
00:11:20,814 --> 00:11:22,314
Nothing
to worry about, right?
207
00:11:25,218 --> 00:11:26,352
What?
208
00:11:26,353 --> 00:11:29,221
I think you should
postpone the wedding.
209
00:11:29,222 --> 00:11:31,156
What? Are you serious?
210
00:11:31,157 --> 00:11:33,659
Yeah, i've had a really bad
feeling about it all week,
211
00:11:33,660 --> 00:11:38,430
But I just couldn't get to you
'cause Dan kept me in the tub.
212
00:11:38,431 --> 00:11:40,899
Well, what do
you think, Dan?
213
00:11:40,900 --> 00:11:42,001
Don't ask him!
214
00:11:42,002 --> 00:11:44,937
I think you should
cancel the wedding.
215
00:11:44,938 --> 00:11:46,305
What?
What?
216
00:11:46,306 --> 00:11:50,776
Could be that Fred's problem
is that he senses
217
00:11:50,777 --> 00:11:52,111
That you have a problem.
218
00:11:52,112 --> 00:11:53,746
And maybe you're
questioning things
219
00:11:53,747 --> 00:11:57,549
Because you still
have some feelings about...
220
00:11:57,550 --> 00:11:59,818
The past.
221
00:11:59,819 --> 00:12:01,520
About someone
from the past, and...
222
00:12:01,521 --> 00:12:02,988
And...
223
00:12:02,989 --> 00:12:04,957
Fred just doesn't measure up.
224
00:12:08,395 --> 00:12:12,498
Yeah, right, Dan. We'll call ya
if we ever need some gibberish.
225
00:12:15,435 --> 00:12:16,935
Well, thanks a lot,
you two.
226
00:12:16,936 --> 00:12:19,772
I had about that much confidence
and you just stomped on it
227
00:12:19,773 --> 00:12:22,207
And stomped on it
till it's all gone.
228
00:12:22,208 --> 00:12:23,742
Well, if you
don't want our opinion...
229
00:12:23,743 --> 00:12:25,411
I don't want your opinion.
230
00:12:25,412 --> 00:12:27,479
I'm gonna find somebody
who'll tell me getting married is a good idea
231
00:12:27,480 --> 00:12:29,515
Even if it isn't.
232
00:12:29,516 --> 00:12:32,751
I'm gonna ask mom.
233
00:12:32,752 --> 00:12:35,254
Man, I hope she's
not making a mistake.
234
00:12:35,255 --> 00:12:37,856
Well, what made you
change your mind?
235
00:12:37,857 --> 00:12:41,060
First you were treating me like
a nutcase, and now you agree.
236
00:12:41,061 --> 00:12:44,396
I oughta put you
in the tub.
237
00:12:44,397 --> 00:12:46,965
All right, i'll tell you.
But you gotta promise me
238
00:12:46,966 --> 00:12:49,535
You won't think
any less of Jackie.
239
00:12:49,536 --> 00:12:50,736
[sighs]
go on.
240
00:12:50,737 --> 00:12:52,571
All right. Last night,
Fred told me something
241
00:12:52,572 --> 00:12:54,473
About the way jackie
feels about me.
242
00:12:54,474 --> 00:12:58,077
What way was that?
It's... It's no big deal.
243
00:12:58,078 --> 00:12:59,411
It's just...
244
00:12:59,412 --> 00:13:01,880
One of those crush things
that a younger sister has
245
00:13:01,881 --> 00:13:04,550
On an older sister's
husband, and it's...
246
00:13:08,288 --> 00:13:11,890
So you...
247
00:13:11,891 --> 00:13:15,894
Think Jackie
has a crush on you.
248
00:13:15,895 --> 00:13:18,397
Just a little crush.
It's only natural.
249
00:13:21,634 --> 00:13:23,369
You are out of your
250
00:13:23,370 --> 00:13:28,073
Clodhoppin', consarned,
egg-suckin' mind!
251
00:13:28,074 --> 00:13:29,541
Well, Fred
thinks it's true.
252
00:13:29,542 --> 00:13:31,877
Oh, well, then...
253
00:13:31,878 --> 00:13:34,780
He took a swing
at me last night.
254
00:13:34,781 --> 00:13:37,016
He told me Jackie
thinks i'm like a god.
255
00:13:37,017 --> 00:13:41,253
Well, that's just 'cause
you never do nothin' on Sunday.
256
00:13:41,254 --> 00:13:43,989
Think about it.
257
00:13:43,990 --> 00:13:46,558
She's always asking
me over there to fix stuff.
258
00:13:46,559 --> 00:13:49,628
Wow! And so is my mom.
259
00:13:49,629 --> 00:13:52,965
Oh, my god, my entire family's
got the hots for you, Dan.
260
00:13:52,966 --> 00:13:55,034
And Leon wanted you to come over
and fix that pipe.
261
00:13:55,035 --> 00:13:58,003
You better look out,
hot stuff.
262
00:13:58,004 --> 00:13:59,705
You just don't
wanna believe it.
263
00:13:59,706 --> 00:14:02,908
Jackie has never
said one thing about that to me, ever.
264
00:14:02,909 --> 00:14:05,611
Of course she wouldn't
say anything to you!
265
00:14:05,612 --> 00:14:07,546
I'm your man!
266
00:14:11,284 --> 00:14:13,619
You're a gigantic fool.
267
00:14:13,620 --> 00:14:15,387
Okay, you go ahead,
268
00:14:15,388 --> 00:14:18,991
You think i'm a fool,
but at least i'm not selfish.
269
00:14:18,992 --> 00:14:20,426
I'm not selfish.
270
00:14:20,427 --> 00:14:23,028
It's so obvious what
you're doing, Roseanne.
271
00:14:23,029 --> 00:14:27,333
You don't want Jackie to
be married, 'cause then you'd have to share her with Fred.
272
00:14:27,334 --> 00:14:28,701
You want to keep her
all to yourself,
273
00:14:28,702 --> 00:14:30,602
Even though it means
she'll never be happy.
274
00:14:30,603 --> 00:14:32,538
You are so wrong.
275
00:14:32,539 --> 00:14:34,707
I mean, you are just
so completely wrong.
276
00:14:34,708 --> 00:14:36,175
If you were
any wronger at all,
277
00:14:36,176 --> 00:14:38,644
You would be in the
guinness book of world records
278
00:14:38,645 --> 00:14:41,380
Under "world's wrongest man."
279
00:14:42,849 --> 00:14:45,684
Hell, I got that title
the day I married you!
280
00:14:51,191 --> 00:14:53,158
[doorbell rings]
281
00:14:55,128 --> 00:14:58,364
Hey.
Oh, hi.
282
00:14:58,365 --> 00:15:01,300
So, how are you doing?
283
00:15:01,301 --> 00:15:02,568
Not good.
284
00:15:02,569 --> 00:15:04,636
I called up Fred and I
told him to come on over,
285
00:15:04,637 --> 00:15:06,438
'cause you
and Dan are right.
286
00:15:06,439 --> 00:15:09,808
If he has this many
doubts about it, maybe we shouldn't be married.
287
00:15:09,809 --> 00:15:11,543
I think you better
think about this some more.
288
00:15:11,544 --> 00:15:15,247
I have been, and i'm
starting to see Fred for what he really is.
289
00:15:15,248 --> 00:15:16,882
Scared.
290
00:15:16,883 --> 00:15:20,119
Indecisive,
emotionally unpredictable,
291
00:15:20,120 --> 00:15:25,624
And I don't want to be
married to somebody like me.
292
00:15:25,625 --> 00:15:28,594
No, you should
marry Fred, Jackie.
293
00:15:28,595 --> 00:15:30,362
And you wouldn't be
having all these doubts
294
00:15:30,363 --> 00:15:33,666
If you hadn't been
influenced by the very worst person on earth.
295
00:15:33,667 --> 00:15:37,703
Roseanne, mom
wants me to be married.
296
00:15:37,704 --> 00:15:40,372
No. Not mom.
297
00:15:40,373 --> 00:15:43,809
Me! I'm evil,
and I must be stopped.
298
00:15:48,581 --> 00:15:50,783
I'm very confused.
299
00:15:50,784 --> 00:15:53,686
Well, it was always
that I was the one
300
00:15:53,687 --> 00:15:55,988
That had the kids and was
married to the great guy.
301
00:15:55,989 --> 00:15:58,123
And now if you're
gonna get married,
302
00:15:58,124 --> 00:16:00,325
Well, we'll be tied.
303
00:16:00,326 --> 00:16:02,928
So you told me not
to marry Fred
304
00:16:02,929 --> 00:16:04,930
Because you don't
want us to be tied?
305
00:16:04,931 --> 00:16:06,865
Yeah, because,
you know, if we're tied,
306
00:16:06,866 --> 00:16:11,303
Then we'll be equal and then
you won't need me anymore.
307
00:16:11,304 --> 00:16:12,871
Oh, Roseanne!
308
00:16:12,872 --> 00:16:15,040
I know.
I'm so stupid.
309
00:16:15,041 --> 00:16:19,144
I'm just hideous.
Don't even look at me.
310
00:16:19,145 --> 00:16:21,180
Well, of course
I will need you.
311
00:16:21,181 --> 00:16:24,350
Even with Fred,
my life is messed up.
312
00:16:24,351 --> 00:16:27,786
You're just saying that
to make me feel better.
313
00:16:27,787 --> 00:16:32,157
I'm not. I'm still
stuck in a dead-end job.
314
00:16:32,158 --> 00:16:36,161
Well, that's true.
315
00:16:36,162 --> 00:16:38,297
I have no confidence
in my skills as a mother,
316
00:16:38,298 --> 00:16:39,631
So I really need you there.
317
00:16:39,632 --> 00:16:43,402
Well, that's true.
I am a damn good mother.
318
00:16:43,403 --> 00:16:48,440
Gotta be proud
of the way David turned out.
319
00:16:48,441 --> 00:16:52,378
And you got me out of that
Fisher relationship mess,
320
00:16:52,379 --> 00:16:55,147
You got me started dating Fred,
and if it wasn't for you,
321
00:16:55,148 --> 00:16:58,117
I probably wouldn't
be headed towards a life better than yours.
322
00:16:58,118 --> 00:17:00,986
I said, "tied!"
323
00:17:00,987 --> 00:17:04,023
It's pointless, anyway,
because Fred doesn't want me anymore.
324
00:17:04,024 --> 00:17:06,625
Oh, he wants you, Jackie.
325
00:17:06,626 --> 00:17:09,328
He's just thinking all screwy.
'cause you know what?
326
00:17:09,329 --> 00:17:12,131
He thinks that you
have the hots for Dan.
327
00:17:12,132 --> 00:17:15,200
What?
328
00:17:15,201 --> 00:17:18,904
They had this great big fight
about it at the lobo last night.
329
00:17:18,905 --> 00:17:20,539
Fred thinks that?
Uh-huh.
330
00:17:20,540 --> 00:17:21,874
He thinks that?
331
00:17:21,875 --> 00:17:24,576
Yeah, and you know
what's even scarier?
332
00:17:24,577 --> 00:17:27,246
Dan thinks it too.
333
00:17:29,049 --> 00:17:31,350
[knocking on door]
334
00:17:33,787 --> 00:17:35,554
Oh, hi, Fred.
335
00:17:35,555 --> 00:17:38,957
Hi.
Oh, hi.
336
00:17:38,958 --> 00:17:42,294
Jackie, i'm really glad you
called, 'cause we need to talk.
337
00:17:42,295 --> 00:17:44,329
Roseanne, can you
leave us alone?
338
00:17:44,330 --> 00:17:46,765
[sighs] well, no,
Fred, I don't need to,
339
00:17:46,766 --> 00:17:48,400
Because I know
what this is all about.
340
00:17:50,870 --> 00:17:52,971
You do?
Yes.
341
00:17:52,972 --> 00:17:54,907
Dan and Jackie.
342
00:17:54,908 --> 00:17:58,210
Oh, man.
343
00:17:58,211 --> 00:17:59,778
Yeah, I know.
344
00:18:03,450 --> 00:18:06,418
I guess i've
always known.
345
00:18:07,954 --> 00:18:10,022
Oh, Roseanne.
346
00:18:12,726 --> 00:18:14,827
I just don't think I can
go through with all of this
347
00:18:14,828 --> 00:18:17,129
Knowing how jackie
feels about Dan.
348
00:18:17,130 --> 00:18:19,031
I don't blame you
at all, Fred.
349
00:18:19,032 --> 00:18:23,902
I don't really see how any
of us can get through this.
350
00:18:23,903 --> 00:18:27,106
That is why i've agreed
351
00:18:27,107 --> 00:18:31,710
To step aside and let
Jackie and Dan be together.
352
00:18:36,383 --> 00:18:37,916
What?
353
00:18:37,917 --> 00:18:41,186
As part of that bargain,
354
00:18:41,187 --> 00:18:43,122
You shall be mine.
355
00:18:53,433 --> 00:18:57,136
Jackie? I just came by
with your wedding present.
356
00:18:57,137 --> 00:18:59,905
I can't come out. I got
my dress on already.
357
00:18:59,906 --> 00:19:03,075
And we got enough
strikes against us.
358
00:19:03,076 --> 00:19:05,044
I'll just leave it
on the bed then.
359
00:19:05,045 --> 00:19:07,112
No, wait.
360
00:19:07,113 --> 00:19:08,313
Give it here.
361
00:19:12,819 --> 00:19:16,388
Oh, Fred, it's a beautiful
picture of you and the baby.
362
00:19:16,389 --> 00:19:20,025
I love it!
Thank you.
363
00:19:21,761 --> 00:19:23,996
Well, Sears had a coupon.
364
00:19:23,997 --> 00:19:26,331
Oh.
365
00:19:26,332 --> 00:19:27,933
Get out of here.
366
00:19:30,937 --> 00:19:32,971
Hey.
Hey.
367
00:19:32,972 --> 00:19:34,606
Roseanne wanted me
to give these to Jackie.
368
00:19:34,607 --> 00:19:37,376
Oh, well,
those'll look great.
369
00:19:37,377 --> 00:19:41,814
Yeah, I wore them
at my wedding.
370
00:19:41,815 --> 00:19:44,149
Hey, Dan. I'd...
371
00:19:44,150 --> 00:19:45,217
Yeah, I know, me too.
372
00:19:45,218 --> 00:19:46,752
I mean, it was
just the wedding...
373
00:19:46,753 --> 00:19:48,620
I know, I know.
374
00:19:51,791 --> 00:19:53,892
Fred, what are you
doing with your arms?
375
00:19:56,629 --> 00:19:58,964
I'm just shaking hands.
376
00:20:16,483 --> 00:20:19,184
[Jackie] is he gone?
Yeah.
377
00:20:19,185 --> 00:20:21,420
Wow! Great dress.
378
00:20:21,421 --> 00:20:24,690
Great you.
Thanks.
379
00:20:24,691 --> 00:20:26,258
Roseanne wanted me
to give you these.
380
00:20:26,259 --> 00:20:27,259
Oh, yeah. Yeah.
381
00:20:27,260 --> 00:20:29,428
Listen, I know she
had that dumb idea
382
00:20:29,429 --> 00:20:32,464
About me walking you
down the aisle, but if you'd rather go alone...
383
00:20:32,465 --> 00:20:35,034
No! Dan, no!
I think it's a great idea.
384
00:20:35,035 --> 00:20:38,237
I mean, you did
take a punch for me.
385
00:20:38,238 --> 00:20:40,906
I wish Roseanne hadn't
told you everything about that.
386
00:20:40,907 --> 00:20:42,908
It's all right.
I'm not embarrassed.
387
00:20:42,909 --> 00:20:46,779
Of course not. You're not the
big goon that believed it all.
388
00:20:46,780 --> 00:20:49,448
Dan.
389
00:20:49,449 --> 00:20:51,216
I might not have
a crush on you,
390
00:20:51,217 --> 00:20:52,851
But I think you're
an incredible guy.
391
00:20:52,852 --> 00:20:54,987
I have been out
with so many jerks,
392
00:20:54,988 --> 00:20:56,855
And if I didn't know that there
were guys like you out there,
393
00:20:56,856 --> 00:21:00,125
I would have given up
on men a long time ago.
394
00:21:00,126 --> 00:21:03,195
Yeah? Really?
395
00:21:03,196 --> 00:21:05,064
So, I mean,
396
00:21:05,065 --> 00:21:06,699
In your eyes,
397
00:21:06,700 --> 00:21:08,500
I'm the perfect man.
398
00:21:10,603 --> 00:21:13,339
Uh, more like a god.
399
00:21:16,309 --> 00:21:19,044
Man, did she have
to tell you everything?
400
00:21:20,280 --> 00:21:23,115
[Roseanne] move it, you two!
401
00:21:23,116 --> 00:21:25,651
Well...
402
00:21:25,652 --> 00:21:27,119
You ready?
I think so.
403
00:21:27,120 --> 00:21:29,555
Okay.
[baby crying]
404
00:21:29,556 --> 00:21:31,890
Sounds like your son's
ready for you, too.
405
00:21:34,127 --> 00:21:36,061
Oh, no!
What?
406
00:21:36,062 --> 00:21:38,163
What's the matter?
Oh...
407
00:21:38,164 --> 00:21:42,001
I'm leaking! Oh!
408
00:21:42,002 --> 00:21:44,036
Well,
it's not noticeable.
409
00:21:44,037 --> 00:21:47,940
Oh! I had no reason to think
this day would go well.
410
00:21:47,941 --> 00:21:51,010
I mean, i've only been looking
forward to it for 37 years!
411
00:21:51,011 --> 00:21:54,747
Come on, Jackie.
Can't you just, uh,
412
00:21:54,748 --> 00:21:56,048
Go like this?
413
00:21:58,218 --> 00:21:59,718
Dan, when something
is leaking,
414
00:21:59,719 --> 00:22:03,789
You don't apply
pressure to it.
415
00:22:03,790 --> 00:22:05,591
All right.
Wait, wait, wait.
416
00:22:05,592 --> 00:22:06,692
I got an idea.
I got an idea. Wait a minute.
417
00:22:06,693 --> 00:22:09,461
All right, here.
418
00:22:09,462 --> 00:22:12,831
An original creation
by Mr. Dan.
419
00:22:12,832 --> 00:22:16,935
It's not bad.
420
00:22:16,936 --> 00:22:18,871
Shall we?
Okay.
421
00:22:20,073 --> 00:22:21,807
Dan.
422
00:22:21,808 --> 00:22:24,309
It wasn't Roseanne's idea
for you to walk me down the aisle,
423
00:22:24,310 --> 00:22:25,944
It was mine.
424
00:22:25,945 --> 00:22:27,179
You want me.
425
00:22:33,687 --> 00:22:37,523
Fred, do you take Jackie
to be your lawfully wedded wife?
426
00:22:37,524 --> 00:22:39,158
I do.
And Jackie,
427
00:22:39,159 --> 00:22:41,660
Do you take Fred to be your
lawfully wedded husband?
428
00:22:41,661 --> 00:22:42,995
I do.
429
00:22:42,996 --> 00:22:45,531
By the power vested in me
by the state of Illinois,
430
00:22:45,532 --> 00:22:48,033
I now pronounce you
husband and wife.
431
00:22:48,034 --> 00:22:50,369
You may kiss the bride.
432
00:22:50,370 --> 00:22:52,838
Just let me
switch sides first.
433
00:22:59,612 --> 00:23:02,114
I suppose
you're next, Darlene.
434
00:23:02,115 --> 00:23:03,515
Uh, no, thank you.
435
00:23:03,516 --> 00:23:06,618
I drink my milk
from a glass now.
436
00:23:06,619 --> 00:23:08,487
Yeah. Okay.
437
00:23:08,488 --> 00:23:09,688
Okay, now.
438
00:23:09,738 --> 00:23:14,288
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