All language subtitles for Roseanne s06e24 Isn It Romantic.eng

I need to know, bo,

Does Vicky
really love Sloan?

Or is there a chance
I can win her back?

What are you doing?

I'm watching
my stories.

Bo really loves Nora,
but the court case is tearing them apart.

And Cord
is helping out Luna--

Oh! I just
dropped your baby.

Shh!

In a second!

[baby coos]

Oh, Jackie.

You're not gonna get what you
want from these soap opera guys.

They can only love you
for an hour a day.

'course, that is
four times longer than Dan.

Well, they may
not really exist, but they're better than Fred.

I am not gonna let
this happened to you, Jackie.

You're turning into that
scary old lady down the block

With the satellite dish
and the tall grass.

[knocking]
[Fred] hey, Jackie!

[sighs]

Get rid of him.

Hi, Roseanne.

I came by to talk to Jackie.
Think it's a good idea?

Sure, you got your
dental records, don't ya?

I didn't mean to hurt
her feelings, Roseanne.

I was gonna propose
and everything,

But it just seemed
like a more sensible idea for us to live together.

Well, aren't you just Jackie's
knight in sensible armor.

What's she been doing
the last couple of days?

She's been comparing you
to these soap opera guys. Guess who's ahead?

[sighs]

[tv plays]

Oh, god.

I suppose she wants me
to be more like this guy.

No. That guy's in love
with his mailman.

But maybe some
of these other guys.

Roseanne, I don't understand
this romantic stuff. What am I supposed to do?

I don't know, but you
should do something just for her, real special.

Like what?

I don't know!

My beard?

Hey, i've had
this beard since high school.

Yeah, I know, but you
were just wearing it then so you could look old.

Trust me,
you don't need it no more.

I always thought my beard
made me look more interesting.

You know, i've talked
to a lot of women,

And they say that the only
interesting thing about you

Is Jackie.

Well, all right.

I love this beard.

But if you think shaving it off
is gonna prove something to her,

I'll give it a try.

Thanks, Roseanne.
No problem.

Well, what'd you
do that for?

I don't hate his beard.

Yeah, I know,
but it always kinda bugged me.

Who's your mommy?

Huh?
Who's your mommy?

Maybe you'd have a better idea
who his mommy is

If his mommy would just give in
and marry his daddy.

Who's your
annoying old hag, huh?

So Fred didn't
propose last time.

I bet he would
if the next time he came over,

You were
wearing a nice dress

And maybe
a little lipstick.

He's a pig.

[doorbell rings]

He's a pig
with a steady job.

Nothing but the best
for your little girl, huh, mom?

Why, it's Darlene
and young David!

I bought a rattle for the baby.
Just thought i'd drop it off.

Oh, David, how sweet!

David's always thrilled to meet
someone smaller than him.

He's so cute.

I just love him.
Darlene, you wanna hold him?

Yes!

Uh, it's just like a cat, right?
Grab it by the back of the neck?

That's a boy! Sure.

[baby cooing]

There's a boy.

Now what?

Now just hold him
and enjoy it.

[baby cries]
oh, ho, ho...

Okay, i'm done.

Oh...

How can you be done?
Look at his little hat.

Doesn't he make you
wanna have a baby?

No, I don't like kids.

I didn't even like myself
till I was 14.

Wait a minute.
So, you don't wanna have kids?

I mean, I thought we were gonna
be together. What if I want one?

Well, you're gonna
have to plant your seed somewhere else, farmer bob.

So, what I want
doesn't count at all?

I mean, having my baby would be
a wonderful way of saying how much you love me.

Hearing you say that, David,
my new goal in life is to die barren.

Don't be silly, Darlene.
Women were made to make babies.

The end!

Oh, god, not even you could
believe that crap, right, David?

Well, you all seem
to be pretty good at it.

So, what are you saying, it's
a woman's job to have children?

I mean, can you really
be that sexist?

Me? I am not sexist.

I am much too frightened
of women to be sexist.

Well, then what
did you mean?

I didn't mean it was a job.

I just think that
it's every woman's satisfying,

Fulfilling obligation.

Oh, come on, Darlene.
This is not my opinion.

This is just nature.

I mean, you can't see that
'cause you're just being irrational.

Oh, you're right, David.
I'm not being rational.

I know, I must have my period
or something, right?

I would never say that,
but are you?

David, I just changed my mind
about premarital sex.

Darlene...

She always gets like that.

Did I tell you
I like his little hat?

Stay away
from my son.

Don't mind Jackie, David.

I think her friend is visiting.

What?

What's the matter?

Jackie just told me
what you said to Darlene, and I cannot believe you.

She didn't understand me.

She said that you told her
that having a baby

Was her obligation.

Oh.

Well, I guess she
did understand me.

[laughs] women.

How can she think
i'm anti-woman?

She's your wife.
Compared to you, I am a woman.

Compared to a woman,
you're a woman.

Maybe it just so happens
that i'm secure enough with my masculinity

To be a woman.

Dave, your problem
is women expect a lot from you.

When you turn out
to be just another guy, then they're all let down.

You think it's better for women
not to expect much of you?

Sure, then any
little thing you do,

They love you for.

Thanks, Mark.

You don't usually
help me out like this. We should talk more often.

Yeah, i'd like to.
Really?

Yeah. But right now,
I gotta run upstairs.

When I tell Becky I think
you're a sexist jerk,

It's gonna pay off big!

Got another one for ya.

Where'd you get that?

I'm already washing
every dish in the house.

Yeah, i'd like to help,
but I think there's a game on.

All right, enjoy yourself. I'm
just gonna keep doing dishes.

'cause I noticed
that there's still some skin left on my hands.

Hey, you guys.

See, Dan?
What'd I tell ya?

He does have a weak
and characterless chin.

I gotta talk
to Jackie right away

Because...I think
I know what she wants.

I been watching her soaps.

Jackie?

We gotta talk.

Oh, god. Fred,

You keep showing up, you think
eventually i'll change my mind?

Will you marry me?

Don't you think
we should leave?

We should,
but pipe down.

Fred, I don't
feel like I can...

Give you
an answer right now.

That's good, 'cause I don't
want your answer yet.

First I want to take you away,
to a cabin by lake geneva.

I rented a red one,
right on the water,

Just like the one you
used to dream about when you were a little girl.

And then, I want to sit
in front of the fireplace,

And I wanna drink champagne
and just look at you.

And I don't want you
to answer me until midnight.

Because that way,
if you say no,

I'll have had at least
one perfect night with you.

You can watch the kid,
can't ya?

Aw. Well,
I don't know about you,

But I had a tough time
keeping a straight face through that one.

What?
Oh, come on, Roseanne.

Couldn't you see
what was going on?

Old freddy was in the doghouse
and he barked his way out.

Ah, damn.
No game on.

I do not believe you, Dan.

The most romantic thing
we'll probably ever witness in our lives,

Right here,
in our own house,

And it doesn't even touch you
in the least bit.

Ah, touch me.

Who said it
didn't touch me.

I just--
ooh, look, rugby.

We have no romance
in our lives!

What are you talkin' about?
I'm very romantic.

Your idea of romance
is popping the can away from my face.

Come on, Roseanne.

We're too old for what
that stuff Jackie and fred are gonna do there.

Besides, we got stuff
that's better than romance.

We got, uh,
memories of romance.

I'm just gonna watch
this game, if that's okay.

You don't need the game, Dan.
You've got memories of games.

I must remember
to beat Fred.

[jazz plays on tv]

Well, so you
joined us at last.

This is most truly
a wonderful surprise.

Well, my marriage
has finally hit the skids.

I'm all yours, Boyd.

Now that you're here,
my thirst is quenched.

Hold on, you two.

You may be my brother,
and you may be my son,

But this
is a woman.

A woman
i'm not related to.

Out of my way.

Wait a minute.

I'm looking for romance,
but I can't have all of you.

At least,
not at the same time.

If you'll be mine,
my darling,

I can give you everything

You've always wanted.

Wow!

I've always wanted everything
that i've always wanted.

Don't listen to him.

Okay?

Because what you need

Is a soul mate.

Someone who can extinguish

The loneliness
burning in your soul.

Someone who knows
your deepest,

Darkest thoughts.

[Roseanne] man,
this guy is good.

He really knows what goes on
inside of us women.

[man] it's true. I do know
what's going on inside of you.

[Roseanne] really?

Can you hear this?
Yes.

Can you hear this?

Wow!
Talk about being in sync.

What about you, Cord?

[Roseanne] wow!

Good answer.

[Dan] Roseanne, i'm home!

Cheese it, it's my husband!

Hey, I thought
I kicked you out.

No, you kicked
out Dan conner.

I have returned
as Dan Juan.

How come you
don't smell like cars?

Because I am
wearing cologne.

Where'd you get that?

You better not have watered down
any of my Jean Nate.

No, it's my own.

It come in the mail.

From the vintage sellers
at the a&p.

Wow, wine!

We haven't had wine
since the night we, uh,

Celebrated the odometer on your
truck rolling all the way

Around to zero again.

[chuckles]

Break out
the crazy straws, baby.

I am in a mood.

Oh, Dan,
you know I am a sucker

For a man who can
harness the power of fire.

Yeah.

Prepare yourself
for a little treat.

[chuckles]
let the romance begin.

Romancing the bone?

Yeah, I figured we
could pop it in, watch it for a few minutes,

And then, you know...

And then what? Barf?

I did something wrong,
didn't I?

No, Dan, you just
did everything wrong.

This is nothing but disgusting,
pornographic filth.

Got romance
in the title.

It's just some sick old male
fantasy that only appeals to other sick old males.

It can't be just for men.
It's got scenes with only women.

I did this for you.

Fine, if you don't want this,
what the hell do you want?

We been married 21 years. You
oughta know what I want by now.

Well, obviously, I don't.

Why don't you just tell me
and i'll just do it!

Because if I have
to tell you what it is,

Then I might as well
just go do it myself.

Darlene, may I speak
with you, please?

Hey, dave, we don't
need that macho crap in here.

I think I can handle it.

I know you can.

It's just the kind of stuff
that this guy says

Really ticks me off.

Makes us all
look like pigs.

I put mayo
on both sides.

Just the way
you like it.

Thanks, babe.

Darlene, listen.

I realize how unfair
I was being to you.

Uh...

Look, the fact is

I love you so much that even
if you don't wanna have kids,

I still wanna
be with you forever.

Really?

Yeah.
Wow.

David, you're never gonna
be happy if you don't have kids.

Well,

If you ever change your mind--
no pressure--

Um, and you're
willing to have kids,

I could be the one
to stay home and raise them.

I could change their diapers
and take them to school

And do all that stuff.

You'd do that?
Yeah.

[sighs] wow.

I mean, but would you
still have time to cook?

Of course.

I know how important
having a career is to you.

You should have everything
you want in life.

Thanks.

That is so romantic.
Romantic?

The guy stays at home
while the girl goes out and earns a living?

[sighs] so you wouldn't
be willing to do that for me?

No, it'd be stupid.

Why would it be stupid?

Because there's no way
you could ever make as much as me.

That's because the world
is so unfair to women.

[jazz plays on tv]

Oh, Cord.

I'm so glad
I picked you.

To hell
with those other guys.

And their shirts.

Perhaps a sweet?

Wow, this looks like
real antique china!

Yes.

I would never dream
of asking you

To soil your delicate hands
washing dishes.

Boy, you sure do
talk pretty for a man.

And tonight,
beneath the stars,

I plan to serenade you.

Dan did that only once,

And he had his hand
under his armpit.

A night of romance is what
I have in store for you, girl.

A night you
will never forget.

But first,

We must share this.

Romancing the bone?

I'm home, Dan. So get out.
It's my turn in the house.

Hark, the sound of angels.
Welcome home, honey.

I got a little
surprise for you.

Oh, no, not again.
Come on, Roseanne.

I watched your soap,
just like Fred,

And, you know, I think
I learned a few things.

Surprise!

Oh, Dan, you cleaned up!

No, I cooked dinner.

Who says you can't put
a metal pan in a microwave.

[sighs] you know, I really
appreciate the effort, honey,

But you don't get it.
So please don't try anymore.

What, candlelight dinner,
that's romantic, isn't it?

Yeah, if there wasn't
seagulls hovering above the sink.

Yeah, I guess I could
wash those, or...

Oh, wait a minute.
I got an idea.

You know, maybe it'd
make your life easier

If I gave you this.

What?
Yes, Mrs. R. Conner,

Of Lanford, Illinois.

Say hello to your only
slightly used dishwasher.

Oh, my god!
Pretty great, isn't it?

I was watching them soap operas,
and I didn't know what the hell they were talking about,

But man, they got
commercials for all kinds of dishwashing stuff.

Did you know that glasses
aren't supposed to have spots?

Oh, Dan, I love you,
despite your many flaws.

And I love you,
despite my many flaws.

So, is there something special
I can do for you?

If I had to tell you,
it wouldn't be romantic.

Hey!

Man, this thing
is so cool to watch.

We should take it out there
in the living room and trade in the tv for more dishes.

I'm gonna get another beer.
You want one?

Yeah, but put mine in a glass
and bring it to me on a plate.

I'm back!

So, did you say yes?
I said yes!

[both screaming]

Congratulations, man.
Yeah, thanks.

How's that traffic?
Not bad.

So, where's the baby?

'cause I wanna tell him
his daddy's gonna be his daddy.

Eh, you pulled it off,
huh?

Yeah, well,

I couldn't even
believe it myself, but...

Turns out, uh,

I'm kind of great
at this romantic stuff.

So, anytime you
need any pointers,

I'm here for you.

Well, i'm not
an expert like you,

But after 21 years
of marriage,

There is a little trick
I learned

That, you know,
I could pass on to you.

Really? What is it?

Oh, you're just being nice.
You don't want my advice.

No, seriously.
I'm curious.

Surprise her
with this.

Yeah, show that
to Jackie tonight,

It drives women crazy.

Wow. Thanks.

Yeah, i'm here
for you, buddy.

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