Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:09,743 --> 00:00:12,511
Come on, D.J. It's not
every day your mother opens a restaurant.
2
00:00:12,579 --> 00:00:14,546
And you've got a really
important job to do.
3
00:00:17,484 --> 00:00:20,686
Oh, look.
It's veal boy.
4
00:00:20,754 --> 00:00:24,623
I hate this. I don't wanna
pass out any stupid fliers.
5
00:00:24,691 --> 00:00:26,091
She's just jealous.
6
00:00:26,226 --> 00:00:29,328
Now you go out there
and do us proud.
7
00:00:29,396 --> 00:00:32,331
Remember, this was
your mother's idea.
8
00:00:32,399 --> 00:00:34,066
D.J., D.J.
9
00:00:34,134 --> 00:00:35,734
Say "moo"
for the camera.
10
00:00:35,802 --> 00:00:37,236
Moo.
11
00:00:38,672 --> 00:00:41,674
When he runs away, his
picture on the milk carton's
12
00:00:41,741 --> 00:00:44,209
Gonna be very confusing.
13
00:00:44,277 --> 00:00:46,445
He's not gonna run away.
14
00:00:46,513 --> 00:00:49,148
He's much more likely
to get beat up.
15
00:00:49,215 --> 00:00:52,418
I'll be right back.
16
00:00:52,485 --> 00:00:54,720
Jackie, what did you
do with the napkins?
17
00:00:54,788 --> 00:00:56,121
What napkins?
18
00:00:56,189 --> 00:00:58,490
God, you did order
napkins, didn't ya?
19
00:00:58,558 --> 00:01:01,260
No, 'cause I didn't know
the exact right amount of napkins to order.
20
00:01:01,327 --> 00:01:03,662
Great. Now we have
the exact right amount of napkins
21
00:01:03,730 --> 00:01:05,597
For zero sandwiches.
22
00:01:05,665 --> 00:01:07,132
Anything would be
better than that.
23
00:01:07,200 --> 00:01:09,535
Hey, I have some
kleenex in my purse.
24
00:01:11,171 --> 00:01:13,839
Here, Darlene.
Go get some napkins.
25
00:01:16,142 --> 00:01:19,011
I can't get napkins
with 50 cents.
26
00:01:19,079 --> 00:01:21,580
Yeah, you can.
You go down there to that chicken place
27
00:01:21,648 --> 00:01:24,316
And buy a soda and then
steal all theirs.
28
00:01:24,384 --> 00:01:26,719
Anything else you'd like?
29
00:01:26,786 --> 00:01:29,621
Spoons, forks,
a chair?
30
00:01:30,990 --> 00:01:33,125
So, are we ready for
the big grand opening?
31
00:01:33,193 --> 00:01:34,126
[all]
yeah!
32
00:01:34,194 --> 00:01:35,327
Okay. Let's do it.
33
00:01:35,395 --> 00:01:39,898
Da! Da-da-da-da!
Da-da-da-da!
34
00:01:39,966 --> 00:01:42,301
Yeah!
All right!
35
00:01:42,369 --> 00:01:44,136
So, Jackie,
I hope you remembered
36
00:01:44,204 --> 00:01:46,238
To buy the frame for
our first dollar bill.
37
00:01:46,306 --> 00:01:47,840
Yes, it's right there
under the counter.
38
00:01:47,907 --> 00:01:49,675
Was that such
a good idea?
39
00:01:49,743 --> 00:01:52,444
I mean, shouldn't we re-invest
it back into the business?
40
00:01:52,512 --> 00:01:54,880
Here it comes! Here it comes!
This is our first dollar.
41
00:01:57,317 --> 00:01:58,317
Hi.
42
00:02:04,257 --> 00:02:05,457
Wait, wait! Let me
get in position.
43
00:02:05,525 --> 00:02:07,059
Okay, go.
44
00:02:07,127 --> 00:02:10,262
I'd like a cup of coffee.
45
00:02:10,330 --> 00:02:12,831
No problem. And?
46
00:02:12,899 --> 00:02:15,934
And, uh, cream.
47
00:02:16,002 --> 00:02:18,003
And?
48
00:02:18,071 --> 00:02:20,572
And...Thank you
very much.
49
00:02:23,510 --> 00:02:26,111
It's only
65 cents.
50
00:02:26,179 --> 00:02:28,881
That's gonna look
lousy in a frame.
51
00:02:31,885 --> 00:02:35,354
So, how about one of
our nice loose meat sandwiches
52
00:02:35,422 --> 00:02:36,955
To go with the coffee?
53
00:02:39,459 --> 00:02:41,026
No, thanks.
54
00:02:44,698 --> 00:02:46,231
Would you like
a piece of pie?
55
00:02:46,299 --> 00:02:49,168
No.
A cookie?
56
00:02:49,235 --> 00:02:52,137
No.
57
00:02:52,205 --> 00:02:53,806
Some gum?
58
00:02:53,873 --> 00:02:57,242
Okay, Roseanne. All right.
We'll get it from the next customer.
59
00:02:57,310 --> 00:02:59,545
No. It's first customer,
first dollar.
60
00:02:59,612 --> 00:03:00,779
That's the way it goes.
61
00:03:00,847 --> 00:03:03,215
Let it go, Roseanne.
62
00:03:04,651 --> 00:03:06,418
Okay, that'll
be 65 cents.
63
00:03:06,486 --> 00:03:08,153
Uh, do you have
a restroom?
64
00:03:08,221 --> 00:03:09,655
It's around the back.
65
00:03:09,789 --> 00:03:11,690
That'll be
35 cents.
66
00:03:17,597 --> 00:03:20,632
[theme]
67
00:04:30,203 --> 00:04:32,538
Well, don't get used
to my being home, Dan,
68
00:04:32,605 --> 00:04:34,773
Because I got stuck with
the night shift again.
69
00:04:34,841 --> 00:04:36,709
First mom calls in sick,
70
00:04:36,776 --> 00:04:39,345
Then Fisher calls over
there to say he's sick,
71
00:04:39,412 --> 00:04:41,814
Then Jackie starts whining
about her little snuffle bear
72
00:04:41,881 --> 00:04:43,182
And that made me sick,
73
00:04:43,249 --> 00:04:45,484
So I told her to go home.
74
00:04:45,552 --> 00:04:48,253
So I get an hour off
so I can come over here
75
00:04:48,321 --> 00:04:50,055
And make dinner
for my family.
76
00:04:50,123 --> 00:04:52,191
[beeping]
77
00:04:52,258 --> 00:04:54,693
Now what am I supposed to do
with the other 56 minutes?
78
00:04:54,761 --> 00:04:56,595
[sighs]
79
00:04:56,663 --> 00:04:58,097
Dan!
80
00:04:58,164 --> 00:05:00,499
Say, Dan, are you
even listening to me?
81
00:05:02,669 --> 00:05:05,237
Arnie, what the hell
are you doing here?
82
00:05:05,305 --> 00:05:07,806
Dan, get out here
and help me. Dan!
83
00:05:07,874 --> 00:05:10,075
Oh, boy.
Calm down, honey!
84
00:05:10,143 --> 00:05:12,611
Why would you even
let him into my house
85
00:05:12,679 --> 00:05:14,613
After the way
he dumped Nancy?
86
00:05:14,681 --> 00:05:15,981
I couldn't help it.
He was whimpering
87
00:05:16,049 --> 00:05:17,249
And scratching
at the back door.
88
00:05:17,317 --> 00:05:19,485
Rosie, this is the last
house I went to.
89
00:05:19,552 --> 00:05:20,986
I went everywhere else I knew.
90
00:05:21,054 --> 00:05:23,789
The lights were on,
cars were in the driveway, but nobody was home.
91
00:05:23,857 --> 00:05:24,990
It was really weird.
92
00:05:26,192 --> 00:05:28,460
I was outside.
93
00:05:28,528 --> 00:05:32,965
How could you tell Nancy
that you were abducted by space aliens!
94
00:05:33,033 --> 00:05:36,268
There's not even
a 12-step program for that!
95
00:05:36,336 --> 00:05:37,836
Call her off, Dan!
Call her off!
96
00:05:37,904 --> 00:05:39,872
You gotta appreciate
my situation here, arn.
97
00:05:39,939 --> 00:05:42,841
She's my wife. I gotta
let her hurt ya.
98
00:05:42,909 --> 00:05:44,276
I hear ya, buddy.
99
00:05:44,344 --> 00:05:47,413
All right, I was a weasel to
snake out on Nancy like that,
100
00:05:47,480 --> 00:05:49,615
But that marriage thing was
harder than I thought, you know?
101
00:05:49,683 --> 00:05:51,583
One morning I woke up
and I couldn't breathe.
102
00:05:51,651 --> 00:05:53,485
There was this heavy
weight on my chest.
103
00:05:53,553 --> 00:05:55,554
It was Nancy.
She was trying to kill me.
104
00:05:55,622 --> 00:05:57,956
So I got the hell
out of there.
105
00:05:58,024 --> 00:06:00,392
But listen, i'm back and
I want to patch things up.
106
00:06:00,460 --> 00:06:03,395
Well, Nancy happens to be
really happy right now,
107
00:06:03,463 --> 00:06:05,864
So I don't want you to go
screwing with her life.
108
00:06:05,932 --> 00:06:08,600
She's not with
another guy, is she?
109
00:06:08,668 --> 00:06:11,637
Well, no.
110
00:06:11,705 --> 00:06:14,039
That's great, 'cause then
i'm back in the saddle!
111
00:06:14,107 --> 00:06:16,909
Listen, Dan, i'm gonna
go over there. Do me a favor, smell me.
112
00:06:17,977 --> 00:06:20,212
You can't just
go over there, Arnie.
113
00:06:20,280 --> 00:06:23,615
A lot of things have
changed in this town since you were here last.
114
00:06:23,683 --> 00:06:25,351
Like what?
115
00:06:25,418 --> 00:06:29,888
Like Nancy's a lesbian
and we got a new lenscrafters.
116
00:06:34,060 --> 00:06:37,363
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
117
00:06:37,430 --> 00:06:38,864
Come again?
118
00:06:38,932 --> 00:06:41,967
Yes, Dan. Glasses in
less than an hour.
119
00:06:45,105 --> 00:06:47,740
Nancy's gay? Our Nancy?
Arnie's Nancy?
120
00:06:47,807 --> 00:06:50,342
Yes, and now
marla's Nancy.
121
00:06:50,410 --> 00:06:52,778
Nancy's dating Marla?
Yowza!
122
00:06:54,447 --> 00:06:58,584
Hey! I'll bet that
Marla's a lesbian, too.
123
00:07:11,231 --> 00:07:14,333
All right. I'll see your two
and bump you two more.
124
00:07:14,401 --> 00:07:15,968
Call.
125
00:07:17,771 --> 00:07:19,104
I got a straight.
126
00:07:19,172 --> 00:07:20,172
Straight, huh?
A straight?
127
00:07:20,240 --> 00:07:21,540
Is that a crack
about my ex-wife?
128
00:07:26,680 --> 00:07:29,214
Whoa there, big guy. He
didn't mean anything by it.
129
00:07:29,282 --> 00:07:31,083
Sorry.
130
00:07:31,151 --> 00:07:33,552
Beats me. I just got
a pair of ladies.
131
00:07:33,620 --> 00:07:35,120
That's it!
132
00:07:36,289 --> 00:07:37,389
Come on!
133
00:07:39,426 --> 00:07:41,493
Now, relax,
Arnie.
134
00:07:41,561 --> 00:07:42,761
Sit down.
135
00:07:45,832 --> 00:07:49,668
Nobody's judging you
because your ex-wife's dating a woman.
136
00:07:49,736 --> 00:07:51,737
Yeah, Arnie. It could
have happened to anybody.
137
00:07:51,805 --> 00:07:54,940
Well, most people.
Oh, maybe just you.
138
00:07:55,008 --> 00:07:56,675
Whose deal?
All right. Mine.
139
00:07:56,743 --> 00:07:58,811
Well then, tell me
something, guys.
140
00:07:58,878 --> 00:08:00,079
You got your
lesbians, right?
141
00:08:00,146 --> 00:08:01,246
[all]
yeah.
142
00:08:01,314 --> 00:08:03,282
How in the hell can
a woman be satisfied
143
00:08:03,350 --> 00:08:05,484
By someone that does not
have the right equipment?
144
00:08:05,552 --> 00:08:07,953
You can buy
the equipment.
145
00:08:08,021 --> 00:08:11,790
[imitates engine revving]
146
00:08:11,858 --> 00:08:14,426
[all laughing]
147
00:08:14,494 --> 00:08:16,962
Okay, okay.
I don't get that,
148
00:08:17,030 --> 00:08:21,834
But i'm telling you guys,
she had no complaints.
149
00:08:21,901 --> 00:08:25,604
I've had a lot of women
fake it on me, and I can always tell.
150
00:08:25,672 --> 00:08:28,240
Maybe that's it, arn.
Maybe you're just so darn good in the sack
151
00:08:28,308 --> 00:08:30,042
That you ruined her
for other guys.
152
00:08:31,911 --> 00:08:33,479
Nah.
153
00:08:34,714 --> 00:08:36,915
Look, Arnie,
you can't blame yourself.
154
00:08:36,983 --> 00:08:38,917
She's probably
always liked women.
155
00:08:38,985 --> 00:08:40,219
So what are
you saying, Ty?
156
00:08:40,286 --> 00:08:42,388
You saying
i'm like a woman? That i'm womanly?
157
00:08:42,455 --> 00:08:43,555
Is that what
you're saying?
158
00:08:45,058 --> 00:08:46,058
Oh, it's...
159
00:08:46,126 --> 00:08:48,761
It's pretty
ridiculous.
160
00:08:51,664 --> 00:08:53,432
Right, guys?
161
00:08:53,500 --> 00:08:56,535
Are you in, betty?
162
00:08:56,603 --> 00:08:58,504
Yeah, and i'll
raise you two.
163
00:08:58,571 --> 00:08:59,872
Make all the jokes
you want, guys.
164
00:08:59,939 --> 00:09:01,907
I loved her,
and it still hurts.
165
00:09:01,975 --> 00:09:03,776
We'd still be together
if I hadn't dumped her.
166
00:09:03,843 --> 00:09:05,044
Sorry, arn.
167
00:09:05,111 --> 00:09:06,645
Yeah, Arnie, we're all
really sorry,
168
00:09:06,713 --> 00:09:08,580
And we all think
you're really manly, don't we, guys?
169
00:09:08,648 --> 00:09:12,918
[all] aye, a manly man.
Arrgghh!
170
00:09:12,986 --> 00:09:14,520
Absolutely. And, uh...
171
00:09:14,587 --> 00:09:16,689
I'll see you two,
and i'll bump you two more.
172
00:09:18,024 --> 00:09:19,792
That's too rich
for my blood. I fold.
173
00:09:19,859 --> 00:09:21,860
A real man wouldn't fold.
174
00:09:22,929 --> 00:09:24,997
All right, I call.
175
00:09:25,065 --> 00:09:26,365
What do you got?
176
00:09:26,433 --> 00:09:27,766
An eight.
177
00:09:37,644 --> 00:09:40,746
Thank you, and be sure
to tell all your friends.
178
00:09:51,958 --> 00:09:53,692
Hey, I don't mean
to bug you or anything,
179
00:09:53,760 --> 00:09:55,327
But it's getting to be,
like, 9:00,
180
00:09:55,395 --> 00:09:57,029
And I need
to close up now.
181
00:09:57,097 --> 00:09:59,264
[english accent]
can I have some more coffee?
182
00:09:59,332 --> 00:10:03,268
Well, like, all that's left
is just sediment in the pot.
183
00:10:03,336 --> 00:10:06,071
But hey, how about
five or six packets of sugar
184
00:10:06,139 --> 00:10:08,173
To help you with
your next drum solo?
185
00:10:08,241 --> 00:10:12,111
I said can I have
some more coffee!
186
00:10:13,413 --> 00:10:17,049
Yeah. Okay. Calm down.
I'll get you some coffee.
187
00:10:22,956 --> 00:10:24,723
I'm not doing anything,
okay?
188
00:10:24,791 --> 00:10:26,658
You don't have
to call anybody.
189
00:10:26,726 --> 00:10:30,429
I wasn't gonna call anybody.
I'm just getting your coffee.
190
00:10:35,168 --> 00:10:37,636
Okay, here. I put it in
a "to go" cup, you know,
191
00:10:37,704 --> 00:10:40,439
'cause i'm sure you want to,
you know, go.
192
00:10:58,625 --> 00:11:01,026
[telephone rings]
193
00:11:02,595 --> 00:11:04,697
[ring]
194
00:11:07,600 --> 00:11:09,401
[ring]
195
00:11:11,137 --> 00:11:13,405
[ring]
196
00:11:22,816 --> 00:11:25,084
Why didn't you call me
the minute this guy sat down?
197
00:11:25,151 --> 00:11:27,586
'cause he didn't do anything
when he first sat down.
198
00:11:27,654 --> 00:11:30,589
I'm gonna drive around
and look for this guy. What did he look like?
199
00:11:30,657 --> 00:11:34,293
He just looked like
a regular lunatic, you know?
200
00:11:39,332 --> 00:11:40,499
Could you be
more specific?
201
00:11:40,567 --> 00:11:42,701
Yeah, okay, he looks
like the kind of guy
202
00:11:42,769 --> 00:11:44,103
That darlene's
gonna bring home
203
00:11:44,170 --> 00:11:46,939
And we're gonna have
to call "son."
204
00:11:48,775 --> 00:11:50,042
You're not helping,
Roseanne.
205
00:11:50,110 --> 00:11:51,276
I gotta do something here,
206
00:11:51,344 --> 00:11:53,512
And I think it requires
physical violence.
207
00:11:53,580 --> 00:11:55,080
Would you just
calm down, Dan?
208
00:11:55,148 --> 00:11:57,616
Just give me a minute
to get myself together here.
209
00:11:57,684 --> 00:11:59,618
Please get me a beer.
210
00:11:59,686 --> 00:12:02,888
And when i'm done,
i'll let you crush the can.
211
00:12:02,956 --> 00:12:04,923
Man, you got
women there alone.
212
00:12:04,991 --> 00:12:06,725
I'd feel a hell of
a lot better
213
00:12:06,793 --> 00:12:08,861
If you started
closing before dark.
214
00:12:08,928 --> 00:12:10,929
No, we'll just make sure
there's always at least
215
00:12:10,997 --> 00:12:12,931
Two of us on
each shift, okay?
216
00:12:12,999 --> 00:12:14,133
It'll probably
never happen again.
217
00:12:14,200 --> 00:12:16,001
You don't know that.
218
00:12:17,303 --> 00:12:19,605
Would you consider
getting a gun for the diner?
219
00:12:19,673 --> 00:12:21,006
Oh, there's a great idea.
220
00:12:21,074 --> 00:12:25,110
A loaded gun
in the same room with my mother and my sister.
221
00:12:27,380 --> 00:12:30,849
What if they miss each other
and they kill a customer?
222
00:12:30,917 --> 00:12:32,885
Then they'll have
to reload.
223
00:12:32,952 --> 00:12:35,354
Come on, Roseanne.
This is important.
224
00:12:35,422 --> 00:12:36,855
We'll teach you
how to use it.
225
00:12:36,923 --> 00:12:38,357
No, forget about it. No.
226
00:12:38,425 --> 00:12:40,459
This is serious,
Roseanne.
227
00:12:40,527 --> 00:12:41,860
You gotta do something
about this.
228
00:12:41,928 --> 00:12:43,896
You gotta do it now.
229
00:12:43,963 --> 00:12:46,298
What'd I do?
230
00:12:46,366 --> 00:12:49,201
Nothing.
Really?
231
00:12:49,269 --> 00:12:51,603
Your mother had a run-in
with some creep at the diner tonight,
232
00:12:51,671 --> 00:12:53,539
And she won't
listen to reason.
233
00:12:53,606 --> 00:12:54,940
Are you okay?
Yeah.
234
00:12:55,008 --> 00:12:56,342
He didn't rob us
or nothing.
235
00:12:56,409 --> 00:12:59,011
He just kept wanting me
to give him more coffee.
236
00:13:03,149 --> 00:13:04,383
Mom...
237
00:13:04,451 --> 00:13:06,485
That's a customer.
238
00:13:16,129 --> 00:13:18,497
So Arnie came by
my apartment last night.
239
00:13:18,565 --> 00:13:20,132
He thinks he can
win me back,
240
00:13:20,200 --> 00:13:23,402
Like i'm some big
lesbian trophy.
241
00:13:23,470 --> 00:13:26,739
I'd still like to know
who told him I was gay.
242
00:13:26,806 --> 00:13:28,941
Oh, I think
Jackie told him.
243
00:13:30,744 --> 00:13:33,045
The guy is unbelievable.
244
00:13:33,113 --> 00:13:35,614
He even brings me
some trashy lingerie.
245
00:13:35,682 --> 00:13:38,550
Man, tacky underwear.
That's so Arnie.
246
00:13:38,618 --> 00:13:41,186
Ugh! He is such a pig.
247
00:13:41,254 --> 00:13:44,390
But it looks great
on Marla.
248
00:13:44,457 --> 00:13:46,759
Hey.
Hi.
249
00:13:46,826 --> 00:13:49,595
I'd like a table with
a view of the cute waitress, please.
250
00:13:49,662 --> 00:13:51,864
Ha! Stupe.
251
00:13:55,035 --> 00:13:56,902
What are you doing here?
252
00:13:56,970 --> 00:14:00,839
Hey! I got shoes.
I got shirt. I want service.
253
00:14:00,907 --> 00:14:02,241
I'll have the usual.
254
00:14:02,308 --> 00:14:05,411
Well, i'm busy. Would you
rather have a sandwich?
255
00:14:05,478 --> 00:14:07,479
I think i'll start
with drinks.
256
00:14:07,547 --> 00:14:10,749
Perhaps a large orange,
no ice.
257
00:14:10,817 --> 00:14:12,551
And maybe some
appetizers.
258
00:14:12,619 --> 00:14:14,053
Are your chips
good tonight?
259
00:14:14,120 --> 00:14:17,122
How long do you plan
to be here on psycho patrol, Dan?
260
00:14:17,190 --> 00:14:18,290
Till closing.
261
00:14:18,358 --> 00:14:20,092
That is just
not possible, Dan.
262
00:14:20,160 --> 00:14:23,595
Because if you sit here
and watch me serving people food and cleaning up,
263
00:14:23,663 --> 00:14:27,900
Then that will take
all the romance out of it when I do it at home.
264
00:14:27,967 --> 00:14:30,135
If you're not gonna do
anything about this,
265
00:14:30,203 --> 00:14:32,538
I'm gonna stay here
and make sure you're safe.
266
00:14:32,605 --> 00:14:33,939
It's my job.
267
00:14:34,007 --> 00:14:36,041
It's what you
pay me for.
268
00:14:37,110 --> 00:14:38,911
I'm handling it, okay?
269
00:14:38,978 --> 00:14:40,746
See? See that sticker
over there on the door?
270
00:14:40,814 --> 00:14:44,550
"this premises protected
by the lantron security alarm systems."
271
00:14:44,617 --> 00:14:45,751
Where'd you get that?
272
00:14:45,819 --> 00:14:48,120
I stoled it.
273
00:14:48,188 --> 00:14:50,222
I feel safer already.
274
00:14:50,290 --> 00:14:53,425
You gotta go, Dan,
or i'm gonna have to come over there
275
00:14:53,493 --> 00:14:54,426
And throw you out.
276
00:15:00,000 --> 00:15:01,667
You're gonna
throw me out?
277
00:15:03,436 --> 00:15:05,537
Come on, Dan.
278
00:15:05,605 --> 00:15:10,509
I don't have time
for your macho Robert De Niro crap.
279
00:15:12,078 --> 00:15:13,612
Come on now.
280
00:15:15,548 --> 00:15:18,717
You couldn't throw somebody out
if you had to, woman.
281
00:15:18,785 --> 00:15:21,854
Oh, you're so mature.
282
00:15:21,921 --> 00:15:24,156
Jackie! Nancy!
283
00:15:26,026 --> 00:15:27,860
This creep giving you
trouble, Roseanne?
284
00:15:27,927 --> 00:15:29,962
Yes. He keeps insisting
he's my husband
285
00:15:30,030 --> 00:15:31,764
And he won't leave.
286
00:15:34,267 --> 00:15:36,702
Jackie, you get his legs.
Here, you got his arms.
287
00:15:36,770 --> 00:15:38,270
I'll get the rest.
288
00:15:38,338 --> 00:15:40,339
Uhh! Uhh!
289
00:15:45,278 --> 00:15:47,012
All right.
I got it.
290
00:15:47,080 --> 00:15:49,948
Aah! Aah! Oh! Oh!
291
00:15:50,016 --> 00:15:51,350
Dammit, Roseanne.
292
00:15:51,418 --> 00:15:54,286
You're not gonna know some
maniac's special tickle spot.
293
00:15:54,354 --> 00:15:56,755
Obviously, I do.
294
00:15:57,891 --> 00:15:59,992
Okay. Okay.
295
00:16:00,060 --> 00:16:01,927
You don't want me here?
I'm gone.
296
00:16:01,995 --> 00:16:04,430
But you can't get
rid of me that easy.
297
00:16:04,497 --> 00:16:06,432
I'll be sitting
out front in my car.
298
00:16:07,767 --> 00:16:09,935
Man, is he stubborn.
299
00:16:10,003 --> 00:16:12,171
I think I pulled
something.
300
00:16:12,238 --> 00:16:13,872
Oh, you know,
he just means well.
301
00:16:13,940 --> 00:16:15,040
He's worried about us,
302
00:16:15,108 --> 00:16:17,910
Wants to make sure
we're all, you know, safe.
303
00:16:17,977 --> 00:16:18,911
What are you doing?
304
00:16:18,978 --> 00:16:21,980
Oh, i'm just gonna
get his car towed.
305
00:16:32,392 --> 00:16:33,325
Aargh!
306
00:16:33,393 --> 00:16:34,326
Hyah!
Hyah!
307
00:16:34,394 --> 00:16:36,128
Aaahhh-hyah!
308
00:16:36,196 --> 00:16:37,896
It's not that hard,
Roseanne.
309
00:16:37,964 --> 00:16:40,599
I took this self-defense
class when I was on the force. It's great.
310
00:16:40,667 --> 00:16:42,301
Hyah!
311
00:16:42,369 --> 00:16:44,269
Yeah, i'm sure it will
come in handy
312
00:16:44,337 --> 00:16:47,706
If i'm ever attacked
by a crazed piece of plywood.
313
00:16:49,876 --> 00:16:52,311
Wow. I didn't know they turned
this into a karate place.
314
00:16:52,379 --> 00:16:56,548
Last time I was here it was
'taters, 'taters, 'taters.
315
00:16:56,616 --> 00:16:58,050
Excuse me, ladies.
316
00:16:58,118 --> 00:17:01,387
We're trying to put on
a demonstration here.
317
00:17:01,454 --> 00:17:02,788
Aaaahhh!
318
00:17:02,856 --> 00:17:04,356
Hyah!
319
00:17:04,424 --> 00:17:07,259
God, buy a saw.
320
00:17:09,229 --> 00:17:11,630
With a mouth like that,
you need self-defense.
321
00:17:13,533 --> 00:17:15,668
Ordinarily,
i'd get mad at that,
322
00:17:15,735 --> 00:17:17,636
But i'd hate for
the last thing I ever see
323
00:17:17,704 --> 00:17:20,305
To be his forehead
coming at me.
324
00:17:20,373 --> 00:17:21,507
Don't worry about him,
Roseanne.
325
00:17:21,574 --> 00:17:22,908
That's not what we're
gonna be studying.
326
00:17:22,976 --> 00:17:25,210
This is what we're
gonna be studying.
327
00:17:25,278 --> 00:17:27,479
No! No! No!
328
00:17:27,547 --> 00:17:29,615
Wow. Cool.
329
00:17:31,651 --> 00:17:34,820
Now remember,
we'll be simulating real attacks here.
330
00:17:34,888 --> 00:17:38,057
So I want you to fight back
as hard as you can.
331
00:17:38,124 --> 00:17:39,091
Any questions?
332
00:17:39,159 --> 00:17:40,926
Yes? Rosie?
333
00:17:40,994 --> 00:17:43,429
When are you gonna bring out
that guy in the suit?
334
00:17:43,496 --> 00:17:46,131
'cause i'd like to kick
that guy in the suit.
335
00:17:47,667 --> 00:17:49,301
We'll get there
very soon.
336
00:17:49,369 --> 00:17:53,972
Okay. Now, passivity
is your worst enemy.
337
00:17:54,040 --> 00:17:57,943
So the first thing
we learn to do here is to say no to men.
338
00:17:58,011 --> 00:18:00,312
You sure
you took this class?
339
00:18:02,282 --> 00:18:05,150
This "no" gets you in
touch with your power.
340
00:18:05,218 --> 00:18:07,019
So what's the first
thing you say
341
00:18:07,087 --> 00:18:08,687
To a man who wants
to hurt you?
342
00:18:08,755 --> 00:18:10,489
[all]
no!
343
00:18:10,557 --> 00:18:12,291
Good. Very good.
344
00:18:12,359 --> 00:18:15,728
All right. I'd like to
introduce our attacker for this evening.
345
00:18:15,795 --> 00:18:16,862
His name is Fred.
346
00:18:16,930 --> 00:18:18,864
[Roseanne] yay!
[instructor] no, boo!
347
00:18:18,932 --> 00:18:20,766
[all]
boo!
348
00:18:20,834 --> 00:18:23,002
The first thing
we're gonna do is frontal attacks.
349
00:18:23,069 --> 00:18:24,670
Any volunteers?
350
00:18:24,738 --> 00:18:26,305
Rosie?
351
00:18:26,373 --> 00:18:28,273
Okay.
Save some for me.
352
00:18:28,341 --> 00:18:29,975
I'm gonna show you
a simple way
353
00:18:30,043 --> 00:18:33,245
To take down a 220-pound
assailant, all right?
354
00:18:33,313 --> 00:18:34,513
First thing
I want you to do
355
00:18:34,581 --> 00:18:35,848
Is clump your fingers
together like this.
356
00:18:35,915 --> 00:18:37,182
Oh, yeah, I get it.
357
00:18:37,250 --> 00:18:39,551
And then when he tries to
guess what animal i'm making,
358
00:18:39,619 --> 00:18:41,720
I knee him in the crotch.
359
00:18:43,423 --> 00:18:44,857
No, you're gonna use
your fingers
360
00:18:44,924 --> 00:18:46,658
To strike your assailant
in the eye.
361
00:18:46,726 --> 00:18:48,527
No!
362
00:18:49,629 --> 00:18:50,829
Yeah, that's pretty cool.
363
00:18:50,897 --> 00:18:53,332
Hey, could you do that
to a guy that's still asleep,
364
00:18:53,400 --> 00:18:55,868
Or would that be unfair?
365
00:18:55,935 --> 00:18:57,236
Then after
the eye strike,
366
00:18:57,303 --> 00:18:59,338
That's when I want you
to knee him in the groin.
367
00:18:59,406 --> 00:19:01,273
No!
368
00:19:01,341 --> 00:19:03,409
Don't worry.
He's well protected.
369
00:19:03,476 --> 00:19:05,711
Now, the last step
is a knockout blow.
370
00:19:05,779 --> 00:19:07,346
When Fred takes you
to the ground,
371
00:19:07,414 --> 00:19:09,081
I want you to kick him
in the head
372
00:19:09,149 --> 00:19:11,917
Until he puts his hands
in front of his face and I blow the whistle.
373
00:19:11,985 --> 00:19:13,719
That means stop.
Okay.
374
00:19:13,787 --> 00:19:15,354
You ready?
Yeah.
375
00:19:15,422 --> 00:19:16,522
All right.
376
00:19:16,589 --> 00:19:19,258
Now, a lot of women find
this very traumatic.
377
00:19:19,325 --> 00:19:21,060
Your first instinct
may be to panic,
378
00:19:21,127 --> 00:19:23,729
Stop breathing,
even run.
379
00:19:23,797 --> 00:19:25,731
So you just do
the best you can.
380
00:19:25,799 --> 00:19:27,666
Okay.
All right?
381
00:19:27,734 --> 00:19:29,268
All right.
382
00:19:30,970 --> 00:19:33,272
Rosie is ready.
Hey, you!
383
00:19:33,340 --> 00:19:34,773
Hey!
Ow!
384
00:19:34,841 --> 00:19:35,841
[instructor]
hit him! Hit him!
385
00:19:35,909 --> 00:19:38,444
Kick him hard! Kick him!
386
00:19:41,047 --> 00:19:44,049
[blows whistle]
387
00:19:44,117 --> 00:19:45,517
[women cheering]
388
00:19:45,585 --> 00:19:46,618
Hey, that's fun.
389
00:19:46,686 --> 00:19:49,254
Do you have a home version
of that game?
390
00:19:49,322 --> 00:19:52,725
All right. Let's talk
about our attacker's vulnerable spots.
391
00:19:52,792 --> 00:19:55,361
Yo, Nancy!
Oh, god!
392
00:19:55,428 --> 00:19:56,829
Don't mean to bother
you women,
393
00:19:56,896 --> 00:19:58,964
But I need to speak
to that chick right over there real quick.
394
00:19:59,032 --> 00:20:01,567
You want me to go
kick him in the head for ya?
395
00:20:01,634 --> 00:20:04,403
Ugh! It won't make
any difference.
396
00:20:04,471 --> 00:20:06,171
I'll be right back.
397
00:20:07,607 --> 00:20:10,109
Arnie, what the hell
are you doing here?
398
00:20:10,176 --> 00:20:12,044
Why won't you
talk to me, Nance?
399
00:20:12,112 --> 00:20:14,446
I'm gonna tell you
one more time.
400
00:20:14,514 --> 00:20:15,781
I'm gay.
401
00:20:15,849 --> 00:20:18,484
It has nothing to do with you
or your masculinity.
402
00:20:18,551 --> 00:20:20,219
Of course it doesn't.
403
00:20:20,286 --> 00:20:21,954
I'm still every bit
the man I always was.
404
00:20:22,022 --> 00:20:24,990
Last night, I beat up
three guys in a topless bar to prove it.
405
00:20:26,493 --> 00:20:27,726
I mean,
you just don't get it.
406
00:20:27,794 --> 00:20:31,730
It's about love, trust,
and commitment.
407
00:20:31,798 --> 00:20:33,899
What we had
was not natural.
408
00:20:35,835 --> 00:20:37,870
I can accept that,
409
00:20:37,937 --> 00:20:39,638
And I know that we won't
get back together.
410
00:20:39,706 --> 00:20:41,407
But that doesn't mean
you and me can't, you know,
411
00:20:41,474 --> 00:20:42,775
Do it one more time,
you know?
412
00:20:42,842 --> 00:20:43,909
Swine.
413
00:20:43,977 --> 00:20:45,310
All right. If it's about
that Marla broad,
414
00:20:45,378 --> 00:20:47,046
You can bring her along.
Arnie!
415
00:20:47,113 --> 00:20:49,114
Okay, okay!
Can I at least watch or something?
416
00:20:49,182 --> 00:20:50,482
You know, I wanna
be in there somewhere!
417
00:20:50,550 --> 00:20:52,851
No!
418
00:20:52,919 --> 00:20:54,553
[women cheering]
419
00:21:03,997 --> 00:21:05,197
Come on out here, Dan.
420
00:21:05,265 --> 00:21:07,299
I want you to see I can
take care of myself.
421
00:21:07,367 --> 00:21:08,634
Now get your butt
out here.
422
00:21:08,702 --> 00:21:10,736
Now, do you have on
all your equipment?
423
00:21:10,804 --> 00:21:11,870
Yeah.
424
00:21:11,938 --> 00:21:13,038
Like i'm gonna need it.
425
00:21:13,106 --> 00:21:15,407
Okay, well,
now go over there,
426
00:21:15,475 --> 00:21:17,609
And then when
I tell you to, you're gonna come at me.
427
00:21:17,677 --> 00:21:20,212
But I want you
to really, really come at me.
428
00:21:20,280 --> 00:21:21,714
Oh, come on, Roseanne.
429
00:21:21,781 --> 00:21:24,783
I was all-district
offensive lineman three years in a row.
430
00:21:24,851 --> 00:21:26,852
Are you gonna bore me
into unconsciousness
431
00:21:26,920 --> 00:21:29,088
Or are you gonna
put on that hat?
432
00:21:29,155 --> 00:21:31,390
Oh, hurt me.
433
00:21:34,494 --> 00:21:36,395
Okay. Come on, Dan.
434
00:21:36,463 --> 00:21:38,664
I'm ready for ya.
Come on.
435
00:21:40,300 --> 00:21:41,233
What is that, a chicken?
436
00:21:41,301 --> 00:21:44,303
Ow! My eye! My eye! Ow!
437
00:21:54,547 --> 00:21:56,849
We're losing patience
with you, human.
438
00:21:56,916 --> 00:21:59,318
You were supposed to bring
back the female specimen
439
00:21:59,386 --> 00:22:00,886
For breeding stock.
440
00:22:00,954 --> 00:22:02,988
Yeah, well, she's not
into that anymore.
441
00:22:06,426 --> 00:22:09,061
Now we will have to
cross-breed him
442
00:22:09,129 --> 00:22:12,097
With one of
the other species.
443
00:22:12,165 --> 00:22:15,167
How about the cactipoony?
444
00:22:15,235 --> 00:22:18,604
Cactipoony. That sounds good.
I like a little variety.
445
00:22:18,672 --> 00:22:20,706
Good idea.
446
00:22:20,774 --> 00:22:23,909
We'll have the female
defanged immediately.
447
00:22:23,977 --> 00:22:26,111
Wait a minute, guys. Wait.
I got even a better idea.
448
00:22:26,179 --> 00:22:30,015
Why don't you give me a new
mission? Why don't I go down there and mutilate some cows?
449
00:22:30,083 --> 00:22:31,316
Don't worry, human.
450
00:22:31,384 --> 00:22:33,619
We have vastly improved
our cross-breeding system
451
00:22:33,687 --> 00:22:36,722
Since the last time we
tried to pollinate you.
452
00:22:36,790 --> 00:22:40,359
Well, I hope so. You gotta be
a little more careful when you're pickin' my dates.
453
00:22:40,427 --> 00:22:43,395
The last one, I had to put
bags on two of her heads.
454
00:22:45,398 --> 00:22:47,700
Michael, Michael,
what are you doin'?
455
00:22:47,767 --> 00:22:49,735
I wasn't in enough scenes.
You aren't
456
00:22:49,803 --> 00:22:53,238
In this scene either. Look,
it's Arnie and the aliens.
457
00:22:55,942 --> 00:22:57,509
I want to be an alien.
458
00:22:57,577 --> 00:22:59,812
All right, guys, beat it.
459
00:22:59,879 --> 00:23:04,883
Oh, geez. Six hours
of makeup for this?
460
00:23:04,951 --> 00:23:08,087
You know, you do look
kinda like a little spock.
461
00:23:08,154 --> 00:23:10,789
Don't ya? You know
spock's-- do that.
462
00:23:10,857 --> 00:23:12,324
Look like a little
spock, don't ya?
463
00:23:13,727 --> 00:23:15,627
Hear about my new show?Um, a little bit.
464
00:23:15,695 --> 00:23:16,662
What'd you hear?Good things?
465
00:23:16,730 --> 00:23:18,530
Yeah.Like what?
466
00:23:18,580 --> 00:23:23,130
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0
33956
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Akan
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bemba
Bengali
Bihari
Bosnian
Breton
Bulgarian
Cambodian
Catalan
Cebuano
Cherokee
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Faroese
Finnish
Frisian
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Guarani
Haitian Creole
Hausa
Hawaiian
Hebrew
Hmong
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Kinyarwanda
Kirundi
Kongo
Korean
Krio (Sierra Leone)
Kurdish
Kyrgyz
Laothian
Latin
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luganda
Luo
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mauritian Creole
Moldavian
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Montenegrin
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Persian
Polish
Portuguese (Brazil)
Quechua
Romanian
Romansh
Russian
Samoan
Scots Gaelic
Serbian
Sesotho
Setswana
Seychellois Creole
Shona
Sindhi
Sinhalese
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Tigrinya
Tonga
Turkish
Turkmen
Ukrainian
Uzbek
Vietnamese
Welsh
Wolof