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Downloaded From www.AllSubs.org
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Oh, god, maybe I should take
the test next week.
3
00:01:23,167 --> 00:01:24,834
Relax, Jackie,
you only missed one.
4
00:01:24,834 --> 00:01:27,267
You've got this
trucking license nailed.
5
00:01:27,267 --> 00:01:28,767
O.k., next question.
6
00:01:28,767 --> 00:01:31,767
What is the importance
of proper weight distribution?
7
00:01:31,767 --> 00:01:33,834
To avoid
being top-heavy.
8
00:01:33,834 --> 00:01:36,767
You don't have
to worry about that, aunt Jackie.
9
00:01:38,033 --> 00:01:40,100
God, I hate Kathy Bowman.
10
00:01:40,100 --> 00:01:42,701
And today's reason is?
11
00:01:42,701 --> 00:01:46,200
She spends
about a billion dollars on all this furniture
12
00:01:46,200 --> 00:01:48,767
That looks like
it belongs in Italy,
13
00:01:48,767 --> 00:01:51,267
And now she's giving it
away to charity.
14
00:01:51,267 --> 00:01:54,434
This couch don't even
have any butt-dents in it.
15
00:01:54,434 --> 00:01:57,234
How can you take
a nice, charitable thing
16
00:01:57,234 --> 00:02:00,033
And turn it into a mean,
vindictive thing?
17
00:02:00,033 --> 00:02:01,100
Hey,
18
00:02:01,100 --> 00:02:04,801
That's what makes me, me.
19
00:02:04,801 --> 00:02:08,767
She's just giving away
that coffee table to show off.
20
00:02:08,767 --> 00:02:10,267
Oh. Becky, quiz me.
21
00:02:10,267 --> 00:02:12,267
O.k.
22
00:02:12,267 --> 00:02:14,767
Uh, gross vehicle weight.
23
00:02:14,767 --> 00:02:18,167
Um, total weight
of single vehicle plus its load.
24
00:02:18,167 --> 00:02:19,534
Oh, o.k. That's it.
25
00:02:19,534 --> 00:02:22,667
That's way too good
for the needy.
26
00:02:22,667 --> 00:02:24,100
I'll be back.
27
00:02:26,067 --> 00:02:27,000
You ready?
28
00:02:27,000 --> 00:02:28,000
Yeah.
29
00:02:28,000 --> 00:02:30,434
What is the proper
procedure to follow
30
00:02:30,434 --> 00:02:32,968
If your vehicle
is leaking toxic fluids
31
00:02:32,968 --> 00:02:34,567
In a residential
neighborhood?
32
00:02:34,567 --> 00:02:37,968
Okay, it's got something
to do with those orange cones, right?
33
00:02:37,968 --> 00:02:39,200
No? O.k.
34
00:02:39,200 --> 00:02:41,968
They'll never ask that
on the test anyway.
35
00:02:41,968 --> 00:02:45,100
Did anybody bring
the paper in? No, of course not.
36
00:02:47,200 --> 00:02:49,601
Becky, I'm really sorry.
37
00:02:49,601 --> 00:02:51,167
About what?
38
00:02:51,167 --> 00:02:52,901
I didn't mean it.
39
00:02:52,901 --> 00:02:55,901
What did you do,
you little freak?
40
00:02:55,901 --> 00:02:58,968
I was in your room.
It was an accident.
41
00:02:58,968 --> 00:03:01,634
Oh, I'm going
to kill you, D.J.
42
00:03:05,801 --> 00:03:06,801
Really?
43
00:03:08,133 --> 00:03:10,300
Yeah. Just
driving her crazy.
44
00:03:12,567 --> 00:03:14,267
Excellent work, son.
45
00:03:14,267 --> 00:03:16,567
Thanks, dad.
46
00:03:17,868 --> 00:03:21,534
I'm so damn proud
I could burst.
47
00:03:27,834 --> 00:03:29,133
Stay.
48
00:03:29,133 --> 00:03:31,634
God, is that tacky.
49
00:03:31,634 --> 00:03:33,000
I know it.
50
00:03:33,000 --> 00:03:35,000
Can you believe
Kathy Bowman
51
00:03:35,000 --> 00:03:37,667
Was giving this
to the good samaritans?
52
00:03:37,667 --> 00:03:39,567
These go
for 200 bucks.
53
00:03:39,567 --> 00:03:43,634
I gave the good samaritan
driver 20 bucks for it.
54
00:03:43,634 --> 00:03:45,501
Plus, the money's
going to charity.
55
00:03:45,501 --> 00:03:48,367
What do you think, Dan?
56
00:03:48,367 --> 00:03:51,868
It is snowing outside?
'Cause this must be christmas.
57
00:03:51,868 --> 00:03:54,868
Ha ha ha!
I knew you'd love it.
58
00:03:54,868 --> 00:03:55,968
It's art.
59
00:03:55,968 --> 00:03:57,434
It ain't just art.
60
00:03:57,434 --> 00:04:00,300
It's got a big hole
in the back
61
00:04:00,300 --> 00:04:02,868
Where you can
stick stuff in.
62
00:04:06,567 --> 00:04:08,067
You done good, honey.
63
00:04:08,067 --> 00:04:11,167
This is a great
piece of crap.
64
00:04:11,167 --> 00:04:14,100
I'll tell you what,
this piece of crap
65
00:04:14,100 --> 00:04:17,100
Totally out-craps
all our other crap.
66
00:04:24,968 --> 00:04:27,968
So we follow
these good samaritan trucks around
67
00:04:27,968 --> 00:04:29,968
And buy stuff
really cheap.
68
00:04:29,968 --> 00:04:32,467
Then we go
to a swap meet
69
00:04:32,467 --> 00:04:35,467
And sell it
for an embarrassing amount of money.
70
00:04:35,467 --> 00:04:37,534
What about
the good samaritans?
71
00:04:37,534 --> 00:04:40,033
Isn't that going to cut
into their business?
72
00:04:40,033 --> 00:04:43,133
Forget about them.
We're squeezing them out.
73
00:04:43,133 --> 00:04:46,300
Roseanne,
what are you doing?
74
00:04:46,300 --> 00:04:48,234
Well, I'm changing
the cherry
75
00:04:48,234 --> 00:04:50,267
On the fruit cups, Leon.
76
00:04:50,267 --> 00:04:52,234
It is wednesday, isn't it?
77
00:04:52,234 --> 00:04:53,234
All day.
78
00:04:53,234 --> 00:04:56,234
I thought so.
79
00:04:56,234 --> 00:04:58,300
How old are these?
80
00:04:58,300 --> 00:04:59,734
I don't know.
81
00:04:59,734 --> 00:05:02,100
They've been here
since I got hired.
82
00:05:02,100 --> 00:05:03,734
Hello, ladies.
83
00:05:03,734 --> 00:05:04,734
Hey, Steven.
84
00:05:04,734 --> 00:05:06,067
Hi.
85
00:05:06,067 --> 00:05:07,701
Are you ready,
Leon?
86
00:05:07,701 --> 00:05:10,868
Yes. We've got lots
of packing to do.
87
00:05:10,868 --> 00:05:11,801
That's wonderful.
88
00:05:11,801 --> 00:05:14,000
Are you going
on a trip?
89
00:05:14,000 --> 00:05:15,000
Steven is.
90
00:05:15,000 --> 00:05:16,567
Because Steven must
magically disappear
91
00:05:16,567 --> 00:05:18,868
Whenever Leon's mother
comes to town.
92
00:05:18,868 --> 00:05:20,400
I thought we settled this.
93
00:05:20,400 --> 00:05:23,100
You're not the one being
kicked out of your home, are you Leon.
94
00:05:23,100 --> 00:05:24,767
Why kick him out?
95
00:05:24,767 --> 00:05:27,100
Don't your mom
know you're gay?
96
00:05:27,100 --> 00:05:28,300
Roseanne.
97
00:05:28,300 --> 00:05:30,300
My mother knows.
That doesn't mean
98
00:05:30,300 --> 00:05:31,734
She's going
to be comfortable
99
00:05:31,734 --> 00:05:35,534
staying in the same house
with me and my lover.
100
00:05:35,534 --> 00:05:36,534
Why not?
101
00:05:36,534 --> 00:05:37,534
Roseanne.
102
00:05:37,534 --> 00:05:38,601
Shut up.
103
00:05:38,601 --> 00:05:41,400
How do they know
how she's going to react
104
00:05:41,400 --> 00:05:43,968
unless they
give her a chance?
105
00:05:43,968 --> 00:05:46,801
Thanks, Roseanne.
I've been saying that for three years.
106
00:05:46,801 --> 00:05:48,400
Yes, thank you, Roseanne,
107
00:05:48,400 --> 00:05:51,033
If you don't mind,
butt out.
108
00:05:51,033 --> 00:05:52,267
No, no.
109
00:05:52,267 --> 00:05:54,334
I'd like to hear
her opinion. Please, Roseanne.
110
00:05:54,334 --> 00:05:55,767
Don't look at me.
111
00:05:55,767 --> 00:05:58,767
I want to hear
what you have to say, too.
112
00:05:58,767 --> 00:06:00,234
Well...
113
00:06:00,234 --> 00:06:02,400
Of course
I totally agree
114
00:06:02,400 --> 00:06:06,501
With my boss' position
here and everything,
115
00:06:06,501 --> 00:06:09,868
But I understand where
Steven's coming from, too,
116
00:06:09,868 --> 00:06:13,033
'Cause he just wants
to be acknowledged.
117
00:06:13,033 --> 00:06:16,534
I mean, he's like
your wife--or your husband.
118
00:06:16,534 --> 00:06:20,534
I don't really know
how you guys work this out.
119
00:06:20,534 --> 00:06:23,968
For instance, I don't know
who does the cleaning
120
00:06:23,968 --> 00:06:26,634
And who watches
monday night football,
121
00:06:26,634 --> 00:06:27,634
But--
122
00:06:27,634 --> 00:06:30,501
Well...
123
00:06:30,501 --> 00:06:33,367
That clearly was
a waste of time.
124
00:06:33,367 --> 00:06:36,234
Don't you think
I should have the opportunity
125
00:06:36,234 --> 00:06:38,234
To get to know
his mother?
126
00:06:38,234 --> 00:06:39,801
Why are you asking her?
127
00:06:39,801 --> 00:06:42,567
Because she understands.
Everybody does but you.
128
00:06:42,567 --> 00:06:45,667
No, she is not everybody.
She is nobody.
129
00:06:45,667 --> 00:06:50,334
Steven, my mother
is a 70-year-old woman.
130
00:06:50,334 --> 00:06:54,200
She was uncomfortable
with Mary Martin as Peter Pan.
131
00:06:54,200 --> 00:06:57,834
This is going to be
very, very awkward for her.
132
00:06:57,834 --> 00:06:59,868
Awkward
for you, Leon.
133
00:06:59,868 --> 00:07:02,868
Can we talk
about this at home?
134
00:07:02,868 --> 00:07:05,367
Are you embarrassed
about who you are?
135
00:07:05,367 --> 00:07:06,367
No.
136
00:07:06,367 --> 00:07:07,868
Is it about me?
137
00:07:07,868 --> 00:07:08,868
No.
138
00:07:08,868 --> 00:07:10,300
Then stop hiding me.
139
00:07:10,300 --> 00:07:13,834
Let me stay
in my home when your mother visits.
140
00:07:13,834 --> 00:07:16,667
This is important
to me, Leon. Leon...
141
00:07:16,667 --> 00:07:17,667
Please.
142
00:07:19,968 --> 00:07:23,334
All right, no packing.
You can stay.
143
00:07:23,334 --> 00:07:25,501
Thanks.
144
00:07:27,934 --> 00:07:31,334
Attaboy, Leon.
145
00:07:31,334 --> 00:07:34,968
Roseanne, did it ever occur
to you even one moment to stay out of this?
146
00:07:34,968 --> 00:07:39,067
Yeah, but by then
it was way too late.
147
00:07:44,767 --> 00:07:50,067
Oh, you guys.
My own fuzzy dice.
148
00:07:50,067 --> 00:07:53,100
Smell them.
They smell.
149
00:07:53,100 --> 00:07:55,801
Two bucks more,
but when your sister
150
00:07:55,801 --> 00:07:59,267
gets her
trucker's license, you pull out all the stops.
151
00:07:59,267 --> 00:08:01,334
You aced
the driving part?
152
00:08:01,334 --> 00:08:03,767
Yeah. You'd be surprised
how courteous people are
153
00:08:03,767 --> 00:08:05,801
When they see an 18-wheeler
154
00:08:05,801 --> 00:08:07,067
With "student driver"
written on it.
155
00:08:10,968 --> 00:08:12,834
So what comes next?
156
00:08:12,834 --> 00:08:14,100
I start out
short-hauling
157
00:08:14,100 --> 00:08:17,434
And then ease
into the five-night interstate hauls.
158
00:08:17,434 --> 00:08:20,000
Five nights? Do you
stay at motels?
159
00:08:20,000 --> 00:08:22,501
The cab's got
a sleeping compartment.
160
00:08:22,501 --> 00:08:25,133
But it doesn't have
a shower, does it?
161
00:08:25,133 --> 00:08:28,100
That's why she needs
the dice scented.
162
00:08:28,100 --> 00:08:32,934
Mrs. Bowman's coming,
and she looks mad.
163
00:08:32,934 --> 00:08:35,200
That's my fault.
My rig's blocking her driveway.
164
00:08:35,200 --> 00:08:37,701
I better get it
back to the lot.
165
00:08:37,701 --> 00:08:39,234
Anybody want a ride?
166
00:08:39,234 --> 00:08:40,234
Yeah, sure.
167
00:08:40,234 --> 00:08:41,300
Darlene?
168
00:08:41,300 --> 00:08:42,767
I don't think so.
169
00:08:42,767 --> 00:08:44,200
Darlene,
it'll be fun.
170
00:08:44,200 --> 00:08:46,701
You can roll down
the window
171
00:08:46,701 --> 00:08:48,567
And spit
into convertibles.
172
00:08:48,567 --> 00:08:51,300
All right.
173
00:08:51,300 --> 00:08:52,367
[Doorbell rings]
174
00:08:52,367 --> 00:08:53,367
That's Kathy.
175
00:08:53,367 --> 00:08:55,367
I don't want her thinking
176
00:08:55,367 --> 00:08:59,367
You was picking
through her trash, so here's the deal.
177
00:08:59,367 --> 00:09:02,801
We paid full price
for that dog at Rodbell's--
178
00:09:02,801 --> 00:09:04,801
400 Bucks.
179
00:09:04,801 --> 00:09:07,133
I thought
they went for 200.
180
00:09:07,133 --> 00:09:08,734
Well, we overpaid
181
00:09:08,734 --> 00:09:12,334
Because we're making
a fortune at the shop.
182
00:09:12,334 --> 00:09:15,100
Got it, lovey.
But do be quick.
183
00:09:15,100 --> 00:09:17,734
We dine with
the Snotheads at 8:00.
184
00:09:17,734 --> 00:09:20,734
Hi, Jackie just went
out to move her--
185
00:09:20,734 --> 00:09:22,100
Roseanne...
186
00:09:25,100 --> 00:09:27,100
My house was robbed.
187
00:09:27,100 --> 00:09:29,000
We were away
for the weekend,
188
00:09:29,000 --> 00:09:31,634
And two guys dressed
like good samaritans
189
00:09:31,634 --> 00:09:33,467
Just backed a van
up to the house
190
00:09:33,467 --> 00:09:35,133
And cleaned us out...
191
00:09:35,133 --> 00:09:38,501
In broad daylight.
192
00:09:38,501 --> 00:09:42,501
Oh, th-that
is unbelievable.
193
00:09:42,501 --> 00:09:44,534
You--you better sit down.
194
00:09:44,534 --> 00:09:47,634
Mr. Henderson said
he saw the entire thing
195
00:09:47,634 --> 00:09:49,934
And didn't do a thing.
196
00:09:52,367 --> 00:09:55,434
What kind of
a neighbor is that?
197
00:09:55,434 --> 00:09:57,734
That's a bad,
bad neighbor.
198
00:09:58,534 --> 00:10:00,200
I feel so...
199
00:10:00,200 --> 00:10:01,334
So violated.
200
00:10:01,334 --> 00:10:03,634
Oh, sure you do.
201
00:10:03,634 --> 00:10:06,000
They took things I've
been collecting for years.
202
00:10:06,000 --> 00:10:07,067
Oh, man.
203
00:10:07,067 --> 00:10:09,400
They took that stuff?
That's bad.
204
00:10:09,400 --> 00:10:12,334
Hey, if you're going
to be mad at anybody,
205
00:10:12,334 --> 00:10:13,801
Be mad at them.
206
00:10:14,901 --> 00:10:17,100
The police are going
to take statements.
207
00:10:17,100 --> 00:10:19,567
I don't suppose
you saw anything.
208
00:10:19,567 --> 00:10:21,400
No, no.
209
00:10:21,400 --> 00:10:23,367
No. Well, yeah.
210
00:10:25,567 --> 00:10:26,901
What?
211
00:10:26,901 --> 00:10:29,167
Well, they seemed
really nice.
212
00:10:29,167 --> 00:10:31,667
They called me "ma'am"
and everything.
213
00:10:31,667 --> 00:10:32,834
Wait,
214
00:10:32,834 --> 00:10:36,167
You spoke
to the criminals?
215
00:10:39,567 --> 00:10:43,467
Well, haggled
is more like it.
216
00:10:45,400 --> 00:10:47,467
Oh, my god.
217
00:10:47,467 --> 00:10:48,901
That's my
umbrella stand.
218
00:10:48,901 --> 00:10:51,100
Umbrellas.
Of course.
219
00:10:54,667 --> 00:10:58,601
You--you bought this
from the robbers?
220
00:10:58,601 --> 00:11:00,367
How could you do that?
221
00:11:00,367 --> 00:11:04,467
Didn't you see
the big-screen TV in the truck?
222
00:11:04,467 --> 00:11:07,834
Do you really think
we would have given away
223
00:11:07,834 --> 00:11:10,834
A brand new 45-inch
television to charity?
224
00:11:10,834 --> 00:11:13,868
Well, it would have been
a nice gesture.
225
00:11:13,868 --> 00:11:15,567
I don't believe you, Roseanne.
226
00:11:15,567 --> 00:11:17,167
Just calm down here.
227
00:11:17,167 --> 00:11:18,667
Hey, I'm really sorry.
228
00:11:18,667 --> 00:11:21,367
I didn't know your house
was getting robbed.
229
00:11:21,367 --> 00:11:23,834
I thought I was doing
a good thing.
230
00:11:23,834 --> 00:11:26,734
I thought I was doing
something for charity.
231
00:11:26,734 --> 00:11:29,801
A good thing?
It was a stupid thing, Roseanne.
232
00:11:29,801 --> 00:11:32,801
It was the stupidest thing
anybody's ever done.
233
00:11:32,801 --> 00:11:34,234
You're the stupidest woman
234
00:11:34,234 --> 00:11:37,100
On the face of the earth.
235
00:11:37,100 --> 00:11:38,100
Oh, yeah?
236
00:11:38,100 --> 00:11:41,701
I Paid 20 bucks
for that piece of crap,
237
00:11:41,701 --> 00:11:51,734
And you paid 200!
That's stupid!
238
00:12:01,634 --> 00:12:04,400
I was starting to worry
about you guys you been gone a long time.
239
00:12:04,400 --> 00:12:07,400
You should have worried.
Jackie almost killed us.
240
00:12:07,400 --> 00:12:10,400
She was just showing
how well the rig cornered.
241
00:12:10,400 --> 00:12:14,400
She missed the bus stop
by almost a foot.
242
00:12:14,400 --> 00:12:16,667
Everybody there
dove under the bench.
243
00:12:16,667 --> 00:12:19,667
They were old.
They panicked.
244
00:12:19,667 --> 00:12:21,167
It was so cool.
245
00:12:21,167 --> 00:12:22,234
[Doorbell rings]
246
00:12:22,234 --> 00:12:24,667
I'm glad you had fun,
Darlene.
247
00:12:24,667 --> 00:12:26,100
Well, what about me?
248
00:12:26,100 --> 00:12:29,667
It doesn't sound like
you had any fun, Becky.
249
00:12:29,667 --> 00:12:30,667
Hey, Jer.
250
00:12:30,667 --> 00:12:32,334
Hey, Dan.
Roseanne here?
251
00:12:32,334 --> 00:12:34,200
She's at
her friend Crystal's.
252
00:12:34,200 --> 00:12:35,701
Uh, could we talk?
253
00:12:35,701 --> 00:12:37,200
Sure. Want a beer?
254
00:12:37,200 --> 00:12:38,300
Definitely.
255
00:12:38,300 --> 00:12:40,734
I'm sorry about what
happened to you guys.
256
00:12:40,734 --> 00:12:42,801
The insurance
should cover everything.
257
00:12:42,801 --> 00:12:44,200
Well, that's good, yeah.
258
00:12:44,200 --> 00:12:45,501
Thanks.
259
00:12:46,767 --> 00:12:49,334
Uh, Dan, uh,
260
00:12:49,334 --> 00:12:52,267
Kathy wants to put up
an electric fence.
261
00:12:52,267 --> 00:12:55,901
An electric fence won't
do you no good, Jerry.
262
00:12:55,901 --> 00:12:58,534
They're not going
to rob you again.
263
00:12:58,534 --> 00:13:02,000
Well, it's not for burglars.
It's for Roseanne.
264
00:13:02,000 --> 00:13:04,501
Electricity won't
stop her. I've tried.
265
00:13:04,501 --> 00:13:07,133
She's not much
of a swimmer, though.
266
00:13:07,133 --> 00:13:09,200
You might want
to build a moat.
267
00:13:09,200 --> 00:13:12,567
I've got to do something.
She wants to move back to Chicago.
268
00:13:12,567 --> 00:13:14,000
Yeah.
Really?
269
00:13:14,000 --> 00:13:16,767
Wow. Anything I can do?
270
00:13:16,767 --> 00:13:19,067
Could you get Roseanne
to apologize?
271
00:13:19,067 --> 00:13:22,901
Hmm. When you move,
can I have your satellite dish?
272
00:13:22,901 --> 00:13:25,400
What are we going
to do, Dan?
273
00:13:25,400 --> 00:13:28,133
Our wives just--
they just--
274
00:13:28,133 --> 00:13:30,667
Hate each other.
275
00:13:30,667 --> 00:13:33,033
I think it's good
for them, Jer.
276
00:13:33,033 --> 00:13:35,667
Roseanne gets so
worked up over Kathy
277
00:13:35,667 --> 00:13:39,767
She gets all flushed,
her heart races, works up a sweat.
278
00:13:39,767 --> 00:13:42,167
It's kind of
an aerobic thing.
279
00:13:42,167 --> 00:13:44,601
Look at the weight
she's lost
280
00:13:44,601 --> 00:13:46,634
Since you guys
moved in.
281
00:13:46,634 --> 00:13:49,234
I can't leave
without something, Dan.
282
00:13:49,234 --> 00:13:51,968
I mean, she's--she's
making my life miserable.
283
00:13:54,000 --> 00:13:56,501
Oh, here.
Take the pooch, jer.
284
00:13:56,501 --> 00:13:59,000
Roseanne was going
to return it anyway,
285
00:13:59,000 --> 00:14:02,200
But this way you
get it in one piece.
286
00:14:02,200 --> 00:14:03,701
Great. Thanks, thanks.
287
00:14:03,701 --> 00:14:08,167
But Kathy said
we should start a neighborhood watch.
288
00:14:08,167 --> 00:14:10,067
But that's
what happened, Jer.
289
00:14:10,067 --> 00:14:13,100
You got robbed,
and the neighborhood watched.
290
00:14:19,234 --> 00:14:20,234
Morning.
291
00:14:20,234 --> 00:14:22,033
Hey, Leon.
292
00:14:22,033 --> 00:14:23,968
What?
So?
293
00:14:23,968 --> 00:14:27,634
So fill me in.
How's your mom handling everything?
294
00:14:27,634 --> 00:14:29,567
Fine.
The plane was late,
295
00:14:29,567 --> 00:14:32,067
but everything else
was fine. Thank you.
296
00:14:34,567 --> 00:14:36,801
[Kicks door]
297
00:14:36,801 --> 00:14:40,334
Whoa, we better
stay out of his way.
298
00:14:40,334 --> 00:14:42,267
That won't be no fun.
299
00:14:42,267 --> 00:14:43,767
Remember what
happened yesterday.
300
00:14:43,767 --> 00:14:46,300
We need to mind
our own business.
301
00:14:46,300 --> 00:14:48,367
If I wanted to do that,
302
00:14:48,367 --> 00:14:50,701
I wouldn't have
came in early.
303
00:15:03,434 --> 00:15:04,434
What?
304
00:15:04,434 --> 00:15:07,434
Well, maybe you want
to talk about it.
305
00:15:09,234 --> 00:15:11,234
Only got a minute. Go.
306
00:15:11,234 --> 00:15:12,567
Roseanne--
307
00:15:12,567 --> 00:15:14,167
Well, there you are.
308
00:15:14,167 --> 00:15:17,234
I thought you were
going back to work.
309
00:15:17,234 --> 00:15:19,868
I'm talking to Roseanne.
Believe me, that's work.
310
00:15:19,868 --> 00:15:23,000
You ran away,
left me alone with...
311
00:15:23,000 --> 00:15:24,400
Mother.
312
00:15:26,133 --> 00:15:29,200
Don't you call her that.
313
00:15:31,133 --> 00:15:32,367
I'll never
be good enough for that woman.
314
00:15:32,367 --> 00:15:33,300
All she does
is pick, pick, pick.
315
00:15:33,300 --> 00:15:36,534
Hey, you wanted
a mother-in-law.
316
00:15:36,534 --> 00:15:38,400
Where is she now?
317
00:15:38,400 --> 00:15:39,400
In housewares.
318
00:15:39,400 --> 00:15:41,033
You left her there?
319
00:15:41,033 --> 00:15:44,400
You know what she's doing?
Buying us a waffle iron.
320
00:15:44,400 --> 00:15:46,734
Oh, my. Let's
have her arrested.
321
00:15:46,734 --> 00:15:48,267
We don't eat waffles.
322
00:15:48,267 --> 00:15:49,868
You don't make them.
323
00:15:49,868 --> 00:15:51,701
You do nothing
in the kitchen.
324
00:15:51,701 --> 00:15:53,634
I work all day.
325
00:15:53,634 --> 00:15:54,601
And I don't?
326
00:15:54,601 --> 00:15:56,300
Yeah, your
little bookstore.
327
00:15:56,300 --> 00:15:58,901
I happen to own
that bookstore.
328
00:15:58,901 --> 00:16:01,968
Wisely located right
next to the library.
329
00:16:01,968 --> 00:16:03,400
Don't bring that up.
330
00:16:03,400 --> 00:16:04,467
I'm allowed.
331
00:16:04,467 --> 00:16:07,367
If I hadn't sunk
my life savings into it,
332
00:16:07,367 --> 00:16:09,801
I wouldn't be working
in this dump!
333
00:16:09,801 --> 00:16:10,801
Hello.
334
00:16:12,801 --> 00:16:14,300
I hate you, Leon.
335
00:16:14,300 --> 00:16:15,801
I hate you more.
336
00:16:17,501 --> 00:16:20,868
Well, I'll just be
up in housewares.
337
00:16:30,567 --> 00:16:34,133
I would tell mom
if I was gay.
338
00:16:34,133 --> 00:16:35,567
You couldn't tell her
339
00:16:35,567 --> 00:16:37,567
You were going
to be a cop.
340
00:16:37,567 --> 00:16:40,067
How could you tell her
you were gay?
341
00:16:40,067 --> 00:16:43,000
Easy. It would kill her.
342
00:16:43,000 --> 00:16:44,567
Oh, yeah. Of course.
343
00:16:44,567 --> 00:16:46,567
What if D.J. Was gay,
344
00:16:46,567 --> 00:16:49,634
Would you want him
to tell you?
345
00:16:49,634 --> 00:16:52,667
Yeah. I don't want him
keeping secrets from me.
346
00:16:52,667 --> 00:16:54,133
You wouldn't mind?
347
00:16:54,133 --> 00:16:57,133
No. They only thing
I've wanted for my kids
348
00:16:57,133 --> 00:17:00,667
Is that they're happy
and out of the house.
349
00:17:00,667 --> 00:17:02,601
And I'll tell you what,
350
00:17:02,601 --> 00:17:04,601
Happy ain't even
that important.
351
00:17:04,601 --> 00:17:06,100
How about you, Dan?
352
00:17:06,100 --> 00:17:09,200
How would you feel
if D.J. was gay?
353
00:17:09,200 --> 00:17:10,667
It's not going
to happen.
354
00:17:10,667 --> 00:17:11,601
Well, I'm--
355
00:17:11,601 --> 00:17:12,667
Hey!
356
00:17:12,667 --> 00:17:14,100
It's not going to happen.
357
00:17:15,501 --> 00:17:18,801
Woo, you winged him.
358
00:17:18,801 --> 00:17:19,968
[D.J.]
I got it!
359
00:17:19,968 --> 00:17:21,434
What's Dan's problem?
360
00:17:21,434 --> 00:17:23,334
Oh, D.J.'s his only son.
361
00:17:23,334 --> 00:17:24,834
He's got that thing
362
00:17:24,834 --> 00:17:29,267
Where he wants D.J.
to carry on the Conner name.
363
00:17:29,267 --> 00:17:31,868
I Said Becky would
probably have kids
364
00:17:31,868 --> 00:17:34,601
Before she was married
and they'd be Conners,
365
00:17:34,601 --> 00:17:36,434
But that
don't count for him.
366
00:17:36,434 --> 00:17:37,434
Mom!
367
00:17:37,434 --> 00:17:38,434
What?
368
00:17:38,434 --> 00:17:40,567
Oh.
369
00:17:40,567 --> 00:17:43,400
Roseanne, this
is officer Robbins.
370
00:17:43,400 --> 00:17:45,767
He's here to
take your statement.
371
00:17:45,767 --> 00:17:47,834
Just tell him the truth.
He'll go easy on you.
372
00:17:47,834 --> 00:17:49,667
Hi, Gil.
How you doing?
373
00:17:49,667 --> 00:17:50,601
Hey, Rosie.
374
00:17:50,601 --> 00:17:52,734
How are you doing?
375
00:17:52,734 --> 00:17:54,300
You know each other?
376
00:17:54,300 --> 00:17:57,100
Yeah, we went to
high school together.
377
00:17:57,100 --> 00:17:59,334
I don't believe
this town.
378
00:17:59,334 --> 00:18:03,334
This is a real pill
you got living next door.
379
00:18:03,334 --> 00:18:05,234
Yeah, tell me about it, man.
380
00:18:05,234 --> 00:18:09,234
Mrs. Bowman says you saw
one of the robbers.
381
00:18:09,234 --> 00:18:10,234
Uh-huh.
382
00:18:10,234 --> 00:18:12,868
Could you give us
a description?
383
00:18:12,868 --> 00:18:15,868
Uh, do you remember
what Jimmy Mullins
384
00:18:15,868 --> 00:18:17,868
looked like
in high school?
385
00:18:17,868 --> 00:18:19,434
He looked like that.
386
00:18:19,434 --> 00:18:20,934
You don't think
it was Jimmy?
387
00:18:20,934 --> 00:18:23,901
Oh, no. This guy's nose
was more scoopier.
388
00:18:23,901 --> 00:18:26,868
You know, kind
of like Bob Hope's nose.
389
00:18:26,868 --> 00:18:28,367
But definitely not Jimmy?
390
00:18:28,367 --> 00:18:29,734
No, not Jimmy.
391
00:18:29,734 --> 00:18:30,734
Good. Good.
392
00:18:30,734 --> 00:18:32,267
Good?
393
00:18:32,267 --> 00:18:35,200
Well, what do
we have here?
394
00:18:35,200 --> 00:18:39,033
So far we've eliminated
Jimmy Mullins and Bob Hope.
395
00:18:39,033 --> 00:18:41,434
Well, I didn't see
the driver.
396
00:18:41,434 --> 00:18:43,934
That could have
been Bob Hope.
397
00:18:43,934 --> 00:18:46,033
Hey, you
want a beer, Gil?
398
00:18:46,033 --> 00:18:47,033
Sure.
399
00:18:47,033 --> 00:18:49,300
Aren't you on duty?
400
00:18:49,300 --> 00:18:51,801
Never mind, Rosie.
401
00:18:51,801 --> 00:18:55,000
Now can we please
get on with this?
402
00:18:55,000 --> 00:18:57,634
You got a description
of the vehicle?
403
00:18:57,634 --> 00:18:59,601
It was a blue truck.
404
00:18:59,601 --> 00:19:00,667
Jackie!
405
00:19:00,667 --> 00:19:02,601
Gil! How've you been?
406
00:19:02,601 --> 00:19:05,601
Great. We've missed you
down at the station.
407
00:19:05,601 --> 00:19:08,534
I miss you guys, too.
What's been going on?
408
00:19:08,534 --> 00:19:09,534
Real quiet.
409
00:19:09,534 --> 00:19:10,634
Let me--
410
00:19:10,634 --> 00:19:11,701
Excuse me.
411
00:19:11,701 --> 00:19:14,934
Focus on the fact
my house has been robbed.
412
00:19:14,934 --> 00:19:18,467
God, you're so rude.
413
00:19:18,467 --> 00:19:20,467
What do I have to do
414
00:19:20,467 --> 00:19:22,901
To get some justice
around here?
415
00:19:22,901 --> 00:19:26,067
We put an APB
out on the truck,
416
00:19:26,067 --> 00:19:28,467
And we'll be
checking pawn shops
417
00:19:28,467 --> 00:19:31,467
To see if your stuff
turns up there.
418
00:19:31,467 --> 00:19:32,868
That's it?
419
00:19:32,868 --> 00:19:35,868
There's not much else
we can do.
420
00:19:35,868 --> 00:19:37,601
I'd suggest
a security system
421
00:19:37,601 --> 00:19:40,267
And telling
your neighbors when you leave town.
422
00:19:40,267 --> 00:19:41,267
Hey, Gil.
423
00:19:41,267 --> 00:19:42,267
Danny! Oh!
424
00:19:42,267 --> 00:19:43,767
Want a beer?
425
00:19:43,767 --> 00:19:45,501
Uh--may I?
426
00:19:45,501 --> 00:19:47,501
Oh, god.
427
00:19:47,501 --> 00:19:49,434
I got
my trucking license.
428
00:19:49,434 --> 00:19:51,868
You can tell me
on the CB
429
00:19:51,868 --> 00:19:54,000
where
the radar traps are.
430
00:19:54,000 --> 00:19:55,100
Cool.
431
00:19:58,434 --> 00:20:01,434
I'm in hell.
432
00:20:01,434 --> 00:20:04,367
Naw, you're
just in Lanford.
433
00:20:04,367 --> 00:20:07,868
Same zip code, though.
434
00:20:07,868 --> 00:20:09,534
You want a beer?
435
00:20:09,534 --> 00:20:12,467
No, I don't.
436
00:20:12,467 --> 00:20:17,033
What I want is
not to live here anymore.
437
00:20:18,300 --> 00:20:21,234
You know, Kathy,
I just want you to know
438
00:20:21,234 --> 00:20:22,667
I sure am sorry
439
00:20:22,667 --> 00:20:24,501
About what happened
and everything.
440
00:20:24,501 --> 00:20:26,734
You know, Lanford's
not a bad town.
441
00:20:26,734 --> 00:20:29,300
You just got to
go with it more,
442
00:20:29,300 --> 00:20:30,734
You know, fit in.
443
00:20:30,734 --> 00:20:33,234
And what does
that mean, Roseanne?
444
00:20:33,234 --> 00:20:36,234
Am I supposed to
wander around town
445
00:20:36,234 --> 00:20:39,167
In a tacky housecoat
and flip-flops,
446
00:20:39,167 --> 00:20:41,167
With my hair
in curlers?
447
00:20:42,300 --> 00:20:43,934
Now you're getting it!
448
00:20:45,501 --> 00:20:48,267
Yeah, absolutely,
and then I'll throw us
449
00:20:48,267 --> 00:20:50,901
one of these here
tupperware parties.
450
00:20:50,901 --> 00:20:54,367
then I could introduce
you to the others.
451
00:20:57,767 --> 00:20:59,767
What are you
talking about?
452
00:20:59,767 --> 00:21:03,434
Oh, we all used to be
like you, Kathy--
453
00:21:03,434 --> 00:21:05,868
Angry, bitter,
annoying.
454
00:21:05,868 --> 00:21:09,267
But now we're
the Lanford wives.
455
00:21:12,133 --> 00:21:13,300
Goodbye, Roseanne.
456
00:21:13,300 --> 00:21:16,067
It's useless to try
to resist us, Kathy.
457
00:21:16,067 --> 00:21:17,634
We already have Jerry.
458
00:21:17,634 --> 00:21:19,100
Jerry's one of us.
459
00:21:21,767 --> 00:21:24,634
Jerry joined the lodge.
460
00:21:24,634 --> 00:21:26,667
You're a sick woman,
Roseanne.
461
00:21:26,667 --> 00:21:28,601
Oh, you'll
start to love it.
462
00:21:28,601 --> 00:21:29,934
I Promise, Kathy.
463
00:21:29,934 --> 00:21:31,434
Just think about it--
464
00:21:31,434 --> 00:21:32,801
Swap meets,
bowling leagues,
465
00:21:32,801 --> 00:21:34,801
bingo,
double coupon days,
466
00:21:34,801 --> 00:21:37,501
casino night
at the slaughterhouse!
467
00:21:37,501 --> 00:21:47,734
It's your destiny.
468
00:21:49,467 --> 00:21:51,968
Maybe we should
check the house, Jer.
469
00:21:51,968 --> 00:21:53,133
Checking.
470
00:21:54,133 --> 00:21:55,300
Still there.
471
00:21:55,300 --> 00:21:56,467
Great.
472
00:21:56,467 --> 00:22:00,000
Doing a hell of a job.
473
00:22:00,000 --> 00:22:01,534
So, Jer, uh...
474
00:22:01,534 --> 00:22:02,934
If you don't mind,
475
00:22:02,934 --> 00:22:05,434
I'd like to ask
a personal question.
476
00:22:05,434 --> 00:22:07,067
You don't
have to answer.
477
00:22:07,067 --> 00:22:09,968
She's just not happy
here in Lanford, Dan.
478
00:22:09,968 --> 00:22:13,000
Unfortunately,
that's the only side you get to see,
479
00:22:13,000 --> 00:22:16,868
But behind closed doors,
she shows a whole other side.
480
00:22:16,868 --> 00:22:20,067
Do you know,
there have actually been mornings
481
00:22:20,067 --> 00:22:21,601
I've woken up dehydrated?
482
00:22:23,067 --> 00:22:26,000
Yep, that's what
Rosie figured.
483
00:22:26,000 --> 00:22:27,501
Have a beer, Jer.
484
00:22:27,501 --> 00:22:29,000
[Alarm sounds]
485
00:22:30,501 --> 00:22:32,234
What do you think?
486
00:22:33,367 --> 00:22:35,367
Three blocks away,
maybe four.
487
00:22:36,534 --> 00:22:38,934
Not our jurisdiction.
488
00:22:45,601 --> 00:22:48,033
[Roseanne]
no, that's not him.
489
00:22:52,567 --> 00:22:54,601
That's not him, either.
490
00:22:58,767 --> 00:23:00,467
Uh-uh.
491
00:23:04,334 --> 00:23:06,234
Too tall.
492
00:23:16,000 --> 00:23:17,567
That's him!
493
00:23:17,567 --> 00:23:21,334
The guy who looks like
Jimmy Mullins.
494
00:23:22,334 --> 00:23:32,334
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