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[theme music]
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[laugh]
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OK, so is it a boy or a girl?
4
00:01:01,061 --> 00:01:02,830
We've got to wait for
the ring to start moving.
5
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Side to side, it's a boy,
and up and down, it's a girl.
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I don't wanna know.
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ROSEANNE: Well then, don't look.
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Well, only tell
me if it's a girl.
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Side to side.
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It's a boy.
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Oh, I wanted a girl.
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Well, you should've
laid the other way.
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This is stupid.
14
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Yeah, you're right.
15
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Let's do it the scientific way.
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Let me look at your butt.
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What are you talking about?
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It's a scientific
fact, Jackie.
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If it's a flat pancake
butt, it's a girl.
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And if it's a big ol'
bubble butt, it's a boy.
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Hey, I'm not gonna
show you my butt.
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Come on, just do it.
23
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God, Mom, get a life.
24
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We're just trying to figure
out the sex of Crystal's baby.
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Who cares?
26
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It's just gonna be
another screaming,
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whining, bratty, little
life-sucking poop machine.
28
00:01:56,617 --> 00:01:57,585
You still want her to babysit?
29
00:02:00,020 --> 00:02:01,722
- Hey.
- Hey.
30
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OK, Crystal, what are
we gonna name this baby?
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Well, we have a
tradition in our family.
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My grandmother was Ruby,
and my mother was Amber,
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and I'm Crystal.
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So I was thinking
that this must stop.
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Well, whatever
you do, don't give
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00:02:19,139 --> 00:02:20,808
it some dorky name like Becky.
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What's wrong with
your dorky name?
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It's like a chicken noise.
39
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It's like, (CLUCKING)
Becky, Beck--
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Beck-- Beck-- Becky.
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Hey, you're lucky.
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It was the '70s.
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You could have been
named Frampton or Shibli.
44
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Well, I gotta go.
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Help me.
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Mom, look.
47
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I ate my Pop-Tart into
the shape of a gun.
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Boom boom.
49
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I definitely want a girl.
50
00:02:51,205 --> 00:02:52,873
You better tell
that to your butt.
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Oh, Roseanne.
52
00:02:55,243 --> 00:02:57,311
Remember, Lamaze
class tomorrow night.
53
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ROSEANNE: I'll be there.
- Bye.
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ROSEANNE: See ya.
55
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Wait, you're her Lamaze coach?
56
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What happened to Ed?
57
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No, I'm just a
backup in case the baby
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comes early, or Ed's out
of town or something.
59
00:03:07,521 --> 00:03:09,490
You know, when I have
a baby, I wanna deliver
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00:03:09,590 --> 00:03:11,058
it in a pool of warm water.
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00:03:11,158 --> 00:03:13,927
I think that's the gentlest way
to bring a baby into the world.
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Yeah?
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00:03:15,028 --> 00:03:16,697
And I imagine it
keeps the swimmers out
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of the shallow end.
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I keep telling you, man,
you got hurt, you should sue.
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00:03:22,870 --> 00:03:23,637
I'm fine, Arnie.
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Leave me alone.
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00:03:24,672 --> 00:03:26,307
You're lucky
you're alive, man.
69
00:03:26,407 --> 00:03:27,608
What happened, Dan?
Are you OK?
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00:03:27,708 --> 00:03:28,976
Nothing.
No, it's OK.
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It's no big deal.
72
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I had a little accident
down at the job site.
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Little accident?
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You were almost killed.
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00:03:33,514 --> 00:03:34,315
It was great.
76
00:03:34,415 --> 00:03:35,683
Dan.
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OK, OK, I got in the way of
a wrecking ball, but it missed.
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00:03:37,985 --> 00:03:38,786
[gasp]
79
00:03:38,886 --> 00:03:39,787
Oh, man, that's so lame.
80
00:03:39,887 --> 00:03:40,954
Tell them the good part.
81
00:03:41,054 --> 00:03:42,590
OK, I'll tell them.
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00:03:42,690 --> 00:03:44,758
OK, so Dan is sitting in
the port-o-johnny, right?
83
00:03:44,858 --> 00:03:45,926
Minding his own business.
84
00:03:46,026 --> 00:03:48,862
And the wrecking ball
comes in and bam!
85
00:03:48,962 --> 00:03:52,065
Knocked that sucker 17 feet.
86
00:03:52,165 --> 00:03:53,033
I measured it.
87
00:03:53,133 --> 00:03:54,034
Did you see a doctor?
88
00:03:54,134 --> 00:03:55,002
Are you OK?
89
00:03:55,102 --> 00:03:56,604
Yeah, it's just
a couple bruises.
90
00:03:56,704 --> 00:03:58,071
Well, it could be
like a concussion.
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00:03:58,171 --> 00:03:58,972
No, it ain't.
92
00:03:59,072 --> 00:03:59,940
I got a hard head.
93
00:04:00,040 --> 00:04:01,041
Does it hurt, Dad?
94
00:04:01,141 --> 00:04:01,942
No, it's OK.
95
00:04:02,042 --> 00:04:03,711
Get away from there.
96
00:04:03,811 --> 00:04:05,779
More embarrassed
than anything else.
97
00:04:05,879 --> 00:04:08,616
I crawled out of that thing with
my pants down around my ankles.
98
00:04:08,716 --> 00:04:12,686
I looked up, there's 30 people
standing around, staring at me.
99
00:04:12,786 --> 00:04:13,987
Man, it was really
an awkward moment.
100
00:04:14,087 --> 00:04:15,389
No one knew what to do.
101
00:04:15,489 --> 00:04:17,858
Fortunately, I had the presence
of mind to start the applause.
102
00:04:20,661 --> 00:04:21,795
Don't you owe us money?
103
00:04:21,895 --> 00:04:22,696
I gotta go.
104
00:04:33,507 --> 00:04:34,308
Hey.
105
00:04:34,408 --> 00:04:36,176
Hey.
106
00:04:36,276 --> 00:04:37,578
What are you eating?
107
00:04:37,678 --> 00:04:38,746
Salami and peppers.
108
00:04:38,846 --> 00:04:39,947
What?
109
00:04:40,047 --> 00:04:43,317
One brush with death a
day isn't enough for you?
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00:04:43,417 --> 00:04:44,885
I live on the edge.
111
00:04:44,985 --> 00:04:46,887
You want a bite?
112
00:04:46,987 --> 00:04:49,657
Wuss.
113
00:04:49,757 --> 00:04:51,191
What are you doing up?
114
00:04:51,291 --> 00:04:54,862
I couldn't sleep, so I
thought I'd go over some bills.
115
00:04:54,962 --> 00:04:56,997
Maybe what happened
today is keeping you awake.
116
00:04:57,097 --> 00:04:58,332
Nah.
117
00:04:58,432 --> 00:05:00,434
You weren't, like, worried
that something more serious
118
00:05:00,534 --> 00:05:01,335
could happen?
119
00:05:01,435 --> 00:05:03,704
Nope.
120
00:05:03,804 --> 00:05:04,972
So that's our will there, huh?
121
00:05:08,141 --> 00:05:09,977
OK, I was curious
about what might
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00:05:10,077 --> 00:05:13,414
happen to my wife and family
if I hadn't had been so lucky.
123
00:05:13,514 --> 00:05:14,448
Oh, come on, Dan.
124
00:05:14,548 --> 00:05:16,617
It's the middle of the night.
125
00:05:16,717 --> 00:05:19,152
Honey, I think we
should talk about this.
126
00:05:19,252 --> 00:05:21,689
I mean, what would happen if
we both went at the same time,
127
00:05:21,789 --> 00:05:23,857
like in a plane crash?
128
00:05:23,957 --> 00:05:26,994
We never go anywhere, Dan.
129
00:05:27,094 --> 00:05:29,397
A plane would actually have
to crash into the sofa.
130
00:05:34,868 --> 00:05:37,738
Honey, we haven't changed
this will in 16 years.
131
00:05:37,838 --> 00:05:40,207
Darlene and DJ
aren't even in here.
132
00:05:40,307 --> 00:05:43,143
We left Becky to Ziggy.
133
00:05:43,243 --> 00:05:44,912
Well, he was the
most responsible person
134
00:05:45,012 --> 00:05:46,780
we knew at the time.
135
00:05:46,880 --> 00:05:49,182
He had his own Texaco card.
136
00:05:49,282 --> 00:05:52,420
What were we thinking?
137
00:05:52,520 --> 00:05:55,523
We were thinking
anybody but our parents.
138
00:05:55,623 --> 00:05:57,391
Come on, let's go to bed now.
139
00:05:57,491 --> 00:05:59,026
Honey, how can you
go to sleep knowing
140
00:05:59,126 --> 00:06:00,394
the kids aren't taken care of?
141
00:06:00,494 --> 00:06:01,495
What?
142
00:06:01,595 --> 00:06:03,196
Like they are taken care
of when we're awake?
143
00:06:06,099 --> 00:06:07,200
Come on, Dan, I'm tired.
144
00:06:07,300 --> 00:06:08,836
I really think we
should deal with this.
145
00:06:11,539 --> 00:06:12,740
All right.
146
00:06:12,840 --> 00:06:15,208
We'll decide who gets the kids.
147
00:06:15,308 --> 00:06:18,278
Now-- who do we really hate?
148
00:06:26,887 --> 00:06:28,856
What'd we get up to?
149
00:06:28,956 --> 00:06:30,223
Oh, man.
150
00:06:30,323 --> 00:06:32,159
Do you still want
to be cremated?
151
00:06:32,259 --> 00:06:33,927
Yeah.
152
00:06:34,027 --> 00:06:37,230
Not right now.
153
00:06:37,330 --> 00:06:39,767
You know, because it is
pretty complicated, you know.
154
00:06:39,867 --> 00:06:42,335
First, I gotta find the urn,
then I gotta find the matches.
155
00:06:45,005 --> 00:06:47,741
I was hoping you'd die on a
Thursday when it's trash day.
156
00:06:50,444 --> 00:06:54,081
I'll try to expire
near the curb, dear.
157
00:06:54,181 --> 00:06:56,584
You know, Dan,
when I die, I don't
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00:06:56,684 --> 00:06:58,686
want you to have one of these
funerals where everybody cries,
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00:06:58,786 --> 00:06:59,720
you know.
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00:06:59,820 --> 00:07:02,189
I want you to throw
a great big party.
161
00:07:02,289 --> 00:07:03,090
Oh, we will, dear.
162
00:07:06,259 --> 00:07:08,328
Morning.
DAN: Hey.
163
00:07:08,428 --> 00:07:09,597
ROSEANNE: Hey, girls.
164
00:07:09,697 --> 00:07:11,799
So did you decide which
one of us inherits this dump?
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00:07:11,899 --> 00:07:12,700
What?
166
00:07:12,800 --> 00:07:14,568
Were you eavesdropping?
167
00:07:14,668 --> 00:07:16,937
You've been yakking
about it all night.
168
00:07:17,037 --> 00:07:18,872
And face it, Mom, you've
got one of those voices
169
00:07:18,972 --> 00:07:19,773
that can bend steel.
170
00:07:23,276 --> 00:07:24,978
Yeah, well, we decided
that when we die,
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00:07:25,078 --> 00:07:26,614
we're dividing
everything equally
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00:07:26,714 --> 00:07:28,181
between the three of you.
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00:07:28,281 --> 00:07:29,082
I just want the cash.
174
00:07:32,920 --> 00:07:34,221
It has sentimental value.
175
00:07:37,124 --> 00:07:40,093
Don't drink out
of the milk carton.
176
00:07:40,193 --> 00:07:42,863
[panting]
177
00:07:42,963 --> 00:07:45,165
What are you doing up so early?
178
00:07:45,265 --> 00:07:47,568
I started jogging again.
179
00:07:47,668 --> 00:07:49,670
I ran all the way over here.
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00:07:49,770 --> 00:07:51,138
ROSEANNE: Good for you.
181
00:07:51,238 --> 00:07:52,172
Yeah.
182
00:07:52,272 --> 00:07:53,541
I'm just gonna rest
here for a second,
183
00:07:53,641 --> 00:07:57,477
and then you can
drive me back home.
184
00:07:57,578 --> 00:07:58,912
I'm on my way to work.
185
00:07:59,012 --> 00:08:00,147
You want me to give you a lift?
186
00:08:00,247 --> 00:08:03,116
No, I'm gonna get
some breakfast first.
187
00:08:03,216 --> 00:08:07,187
It is the most important
mooch of the day.
188
00:08:07,287 --> 00:08:08,088
You be careful.
189
00:08:08,188 --> 00:08:09,890
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
190
00:08:09,990 --> 00:08:13,927
You got any oat bran,
or shredded wheat, or--
191
00:08:14,027 --> 00:08:15,128
oh, Cocoa Puffs.
192
00:08:18,165 --> 00:08:19,833
Well, I'm outta here too.
193
00:08:19,933 --> 00:08:21,569
Bye.
- Bye.
194
00:08:21,669 --> 00:08:22,469
Don't die.
195
00:08:22,570 --> 00:08:23,470
I'll do my best.
196
00:08:23,571 --> 00:08:25,739
What's that?
197
00:08:25,839 --> 00:08:27,608
Your will?
198
00:08:27,708 --> 00:08:30,544
Yeah, we were up all night
trying to figure out who's
199
00:08:30,644 --> 00:08:31,712
gonna get the kids if we die.
200
00:08:31,812 --> 00:08:33,614
Oh, that's gotta be fun.
201
00:08:33,714 --> 00:08:35,148
Yeah, well, don't worry.
202
00:08:35,248 --> 00:08:36,183
You're off the hook.
203
00:08:36,283 --> 00:08:37,384
Huh?
204
00:08:37,484 --> 00:08:38,786
DJ took my keys and
locked himself in my truck.
205
00:08:38,886 --> 00:08:39,687
Can I use yours?
206
00:08:39,787 --> 00:08:41,154
Yeah, they're in my purse.
207
00:08:41,254 --> 00:08:42,756
What the hell did
he do that for?
208
00:08:42,856 --> 00:08:44,057
He doesn't want
me to go to work.
209
00:08:44,157 --> 00:08:45,793
I'll be killed.
210
00:08:45,893 --> 00:08:46,960
Oh, man.
211
00:08:47,060 --> 00:08:48,495
Don't worry.
I'll drive him to school.
212
00:08:48,596 --> 00:08:49,396
I'll talk to him.
213
00:08:49,496 --> 00:08:50,764
He'll be fine.
214
00:08:50,864 --> 00:08:53,100
What did that mean,
I'm off the hook?
215
00:08:53,200 --> 00:08:54,702
Oh, yeah.
216
00:08:54,802 --> 00:08:57,771
We decided we'll leave the
kids with Crystal and Ed.
217
00:08:57,871 --> 00:09:00,741
Why don't I get the kids?
218
00:09:00,841 --> 00:09:02,209
You get the washer and dryer.
219
00:09:02,309 --> 00:09:03,911
We didn't want
to separate them.
220
00:09:04,011 --> 00:09:07,014
No, I'm serious.
221
00:09:07,114 --> 00:09:09,149
I'm closer to those
kids than anybody.
222
00:09:09,249 --> 00:09:11,919
Yeah, I know, but you
know, you're a single woman.
223
00:09:12,019 --> 00:09:15,122
Well, a lot of single
women raise families.
224
00:09:15,222 --> 00:09:17,958
Yeah, I know, but you
know, they do it from,
225
00:09:18,058 --> 00:09:20,427
like, the time that
they're babies.
226
00:09:20,527 --> 00:09:22,562
Roseanne, I have
been there since day
227
00:09:22,663 --> 00:09:24,464
one, since they were babies.
228
00:09:24,564 --> 00:09:26,867
You're just trying to
tell me I couldn't do it.
229
00:09:26,967 --> 00:09:29,803
No, we just didn't
want to burden you.
230
00:09:29,903 --> 00:09:35,008
Which is a really nice way
of saying you don't trust me.
231
00:09:35,108 --> 00:09:36,476
Hey.
232
00:09:36,576 --> 00:09:38,145
You'll thank me when I'm dead.
233
00:09:49,957 --> 00:09:51,124
Jack.
234
00:09:51,224 --> 00:09:52,559
King.
235
00:09:52,660 --> 00:09:53,794
OK, you win.
236
00:09:53,894 --> 00:09:55,328
Let's play again.
237
00:09:55,428 --> 00:09:57,564
Don't you have some
homework to do or something?
238
00:09:57,665 --> 00:09:59,232
I wanna stay with you.
239
00:09:59,332 --> 00:10:00,133
OK.
240
00:10:00,233 --> 00:10:01,601
You getting hungry?
241
00:10:01,702 --> 00:10:03,303
Yeah.
242
00:10:03,403 --> 00:10:05,338
I guess I oughta
get dinner started.
243
00:10:05,438 --> 00:10:08,075
Becky?
7.
244
00:10:08,175 --> 00:10:09,276
7.
245
00:10:09,376 --> 00:10:11,044
BOTH: War.
246
00:10:11,144 --> 00:10:12,746
Yeah, Dad?
247
00:10:12,846 --> 00:10:14,481
Do you know where Mom
put that casserole we're
248
00:10:14,581 --> 00:10:15,415
supposed to have for dinner?
249
00:10:15,515 --> 00:10:17,517
Yeah, it's in
the refrigerator.
250
00:10:17,617 --> 00:10:18,418
I looked.
251
00:10:18,518 --> 00:10:19,820
I couldn't find it in there.
252
00:10:26,059 --> 00:10:28,896
Jeez, it's right here.
253
00:10:28,996 --> 00:10:30,463
I guess I'll put
it in the microwave.
254
00:10:30,563 --> 00:10:32,299
OK.
255
00:10:32,399 --> 00:10:36,103
Hey, um-- could you
hand me the aluminum foil?
256
00:10:36,203 --> 00:10:37,671
What for?
257
00:10:37,771 --> 00:10:39,973
You're supposed to keep
it covered, aren't you?
258
00:10:40,073 --> 00:10:44,077
Dad, you can't put
metal in the microwave.
259
00:10:44,177 --> 00:10:47,014
I was just gonna use a little.
260
00:10:47,114 --> 00:10:47,915
Just forget it.
261
00:10:48,015 --> 00:10:48,949
I'll do it.
262
00:10:49,049 --> 00:10:49,817
Thanks, honey.
263
00:10:54,988 --> 00:10:56,690
- What are you guys doing?
- Fixing dinner.
264
00:10:56,790 --> 00:10:57,925
Just getting ready
to set the table.
265
00:10:58,025 --> 00:11:01,161
Oh, do you know where
Mom keeps her forks?
266
00:11:01,261 --> 00:11:03,296
Do you think I'm dumb enough
to fall for that stupid move?
267
00:11:03,396 --> 00:11:05,032
Hey!
268
00:11:05,132 --> 00:11:08,001
Don't call him stupid.
- I didn't.
269
00:11:08,101 --> 00:11:09,002
Yes, you did.
270
00:11:09,102 --> 00:11:09,903
Shut up.
271
00:11:10,003 --> 00:11:10,938
You shut up, Darlene!
272
00:11:11,038 --> 00:11:11,839
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
273
00:11:11,939 --> 00:11:12,940
Hold on, killer.
274
00:11:13,040 --> 00:11:14,808
DJ, I'll tell you what,
why don't you go up
275
00:11:14,908 --> 00:11:16,643
and get washed up for dinner?
276
00:11:16,744 --> 00:11:17,610
OK, Dad.
277
00:11:17,711 --> 00:11:20,047
I'll be right back.
278
00:11:20,147 --> 00:11:21,048
[thud]
279
00:11:23,116 --> 00:11:24,517
What was that?
280
00:11:24,617 --> 00:11:26,319
He's been like that
ever since I got home.
281
00:11:26,419 --> 00:11:28,655
He won't let me
out of his sight.
282
00:11:28,756 --> 00:11:30,157
Dad, he's crazy.
283
00:11:30,257 --> 00:11:32,325
He's showing
concern, which is more
284
00:11:32,425 --> 00:11:34,995
than I can say for certain
others in this household,
285
00:11:35,095 --> 00:11:37,831
considering what
happened to me yesterday.
286
00:11:37,931 --> 00:11:39,266
You were sitting in
a port-o-crapper that
287
00:11:39,366 --> 00:11:42,469
got nailed by a wrecking ball.
288
00:11:42,569 --> 00:11:44,604
I didn't take one shot.
289
00:11:44,704 --> 00:11:45,739
Now that is love.
290
00:11:50,010 --> 00:11:50,878
I'm sorry.
291
00:11:50,978 --> 00:11:53,046
Thank you, dear.
292
00:11:53,146 --> 00:11:54,948
Oh, right, suck up
for the inheritance.
293
00:12:01,388 --> 00:12:04,858
OK, in through the nose,
abdomen, chest, shoulders.
294
00:12:04,958 --> 00:12:06,326
Fill up with air.
Exhale.
295
00:12:06,426 --> 00:12:08,328
Just think of letting go.
296
00:12:08,428 --> 00:12:09,897
Keep the breathing moving.
297
00:12:09,997 --> 00:12:13,433
Coaches, help mom relax.
298
00:12:13,533 --> 00:12:15,735
You know, so anyway,
then Jackie gets all bent
299
00:12:15,836 --> 00:12:16,970
out of shape, you know?
300
00:12:17,070 --> 00:12:19,506
Like, trying to make
me feel all guilty.
301
00:12:19,606 --> 00:12:23,110
Well, she can't take care
of three kids, you know.
302
00:12:23,210 --> 00:12:24,677
I mean, have you
ever seen her fridge?
303
00:12:24,778 --> 00:12:28,849
She's got, like, one egg
and a can of margarita mix.
304
00:12:28,949 --> 00:12:32,986
Coaches, a little word
of encouragement for mom.
305
00:12:33,086 --> 00:12:35,088
That a girl, Crystal.
306
00:12:35,188 --> 00:12:37,991
OK, let's take a
little timeout here.
307
00:12:38,091 --> 00:12:40,527
I'm sure a lot of you have
been thinking of questions
308
00:12:40,627 --> 00:12:42,662
since the last class.
309
00:12:42,762 --> 00:12:43,931
Anybody?
310
00:12:44,031 --> 00:12:46,834
Yeah, this is my first
baby, and I was wondering how
311
00:12:46,934 --> 00:12:48,969
long it takes to push it out.
312
00:12:49,069 --> 00:12:49,870
18 years.
313
00:12:49,970 --> 00:12:51,771
[laugh]
314
00:12:54,241 --> 00:12:56,309
I take it you've got kids.
315
00:12:56,409 --> 00:12:57,945
Yeah, two or three.
316
00:12:58,045 --> 00:13:00,547
Well, did you use
natural childbirth?
317
00:13:00,647 --> 00:13:02,983
Well.
318
00:13:03,083 --> 00:13:04,317
Kind of.
319
00:13:04,417 --> 00:13:07,320
But actually, there's a story
that goes along with this.
320
00:13:07,420 --> 00:13:10,123
OK, get off me, Crystal.
321
00:13:10,223 --> 00:13:13,593
Oh, no, Roseanne, you're
not gonna scare them, are you?
322
00:13:13,693 --> 00:13:16,329
Oh, we'll see what I say.
323
00:13:16,429 --> 00:13:21,168
OK, well, now my first kid,
they just knocked me out,
324
00:13:21,268 --> 00:13:23,170
so I didn't feel anything, and
then they handed me the baby,
325
00:13:23,270 --> 00:13:24,938
you know?
And she's 16 now.
326
00:13:25,038 --> 00:13:26,073
She's blond and thin.
327
00:13:26,173 --> 00:13:29,843
I don't even think
she's really mine.
328
00:13:29,943 --> 00:13:31,845
Anyway, then when
I had my third kid,
329
00:13:31,945 --> 00:13:34,414
OK, I hadn't lost any of the
weight from my second kid
330
00:13:34,514 --> 00:13:36,716
and, OK, from my
first kid either.
331
00:13:36,816 --> 00:13:39,719
And so they were
trying to give me
332
00:13:39,819 --> 00:13:41,922
this local deal and everything.
333
00:13:42,022 --> 00:13:43,656
But I kept on
feeling all the pain,
334
00:13:43,756 --> 00:13:46,159
and so I keep on begging for
more drugs and more drugs,
335
00:13:46,259 --> 00:13:47,594
until finally, the
doctor comes over there.
336
00:13:47,694 --> 00:13:50,163
And he goes, I'm sorry,
Mrs. Conner, he goes,
337
00:13:50,263 --> 00:13:51,899
but if we give you
any more drugs,
338
00:13:51,999 --> 00:13:53,200
it's gonna kill your baby.
339
00:13:53,300 --> 00:13:54,334
[gasp]
340
00:13:54,434 --> 00:13:56,303
So, you know, I thought
about it for a while.
341
00:13:58,972 --> 00:14:01,909
Then I said, OK, no drugs,
but just hit me in the head
342
00:14:02,009 --> 00:14:03,977
with a sledgehammer, would you?
343
00:14:04,077 --> 00:14:07,714
Of course he wouldn't, and so I
end up feeling the whole thing.
344
00:14:07,814 --> 00:14:09,149
Was your husband there?
345
00:14:09,249 --> 00:14:11,018
Oh, yeah, he had
taken the classes,
346
00:14:11,118 --> 00:14:12,719
so they had to let him in.
347
00:14:12,819 --> 00:14:17,024
But all in all, I guess I
was pretty glad he was there.
348
00:14:17,124 --> 00:14:19,026
Oh, god, this is all your idea.
349
00:14:19,126 --> 00:14:20,027
I hate you!
350
00:14:20,127 --> 00:14:21,995
I know.
351
00:14:22,095 --> 00:14:24,097
Oh, god, it hurts.
352
00:14:24,197 --> 00:14:25,899
Breathe.
[breathing]
353
00:14:25,999 --> 00:14:28,135
That helped me before, but
it's not helping me now, Dan.
354
00:14:28,235 --> 00:14:29,369
That's because
you're not doing it.
355
00:14:29,469 --> 00:14:30,303
Come on, honey, breathe.
356
00:14:30,403 --> 00:14:31,204
How's she doing?
357
00:14:31,304 --> 00:14:32,639
She doing OK?
358
00:14:32,739 --> 00:14:34,274
Contractions are
a minute apart.
359
00:14:34,374 --> 00:14:35,575
And she's at 8 centimeters.
360
00:14:35,675 --> 00:14:37,044
8 centimeters!
361
00:14:37,144 --> 00:14:38,111
Hear that, Roseanne?
362
00:14:38,211 --> 00:14:39,646
Way to dilate.
363
00:14:39,746 --> 00:14:42,582
Oh, god, you're such an idiot.
364
00:14:42,682 --> 00:14:43,783
Is your mouth dry, Rosy?
365
00:14:43,883 --> 00:14:44,684
Yes.
366
00:14:44,784 --> 00:14:46,453
You want a Tab?
367
00:14:46,553 --> 00:14:47,988
Get her out of here.
368
00:14:48,088 --> 00:14:49,589
Jackie, why don't
you go get some ice?
369
00:14:49,689 --> 00:14:50,490
OK.
370
00:14:52,525 --> 00:14:54,494
I'm sorry I'm being
so mean to you, Dan.
371
00:14:54,594 --> 00:14:55,862
You're not, honey.
372
00:14:55,963 --> 00:14:56,896
You're being mean to Jackie.
373
00:14:56,997 --> 00:14:59,699
That's why I brought her.
374
00:14:59,799 --> 00:15:01,568
I can't stand it no more, Dan.
375
00:15:01,668 --> 00:15:03,003
I gotta push.
- No, no, no.
376
00:15:03,103 --> 00:15:04,004
Not till the doctor gets here.
377
00:15:04,104 --> 00:15:05,172
Now come on, blow.
378
00:15:05,272 --> 00:15:06,974
[breathing]
379
00:15:07,074 --> 00:15:08,608
OK, OK, it passed.
380
00:15:08,708 --> 00:15:09,509
You're pushing.
381
00:15:09,609 --> 00:15:10,410
(STRAINING) No, I'm not.
382
00:15:10,510 --> 00:15:12,045
Yes, you are.
383
00:15:12,145 --> 00:15:14,147
Now, dammit, if you're
not gonna do this right,
384
00:15:14,247 --> 00:15:15,448
let's forget the whole thing.
385
00:15:15,548 --> 00:15:17,750
Oh, right, we'll just go home.
386
00:15:17,850 --> 00:15:20,853
God, you're such a moron.
387
00:15:20,954 --> 00:15:22,789
Oh, god, this is horrible.
388
00:15:22,889 --> 00:15:24,724
What's happening to me?
389
00:15:24,824 --> 00:15:26,326
Well, either
you're having a baby,
390
00:15:26,426 --> 00:15:28,028
or you just ate
the hospital food.
391
00:15:28,128 --> 00:15:31,798
Oh, god, no, not
a funny doctor.
392
00:15:31,898 --> 00:15:33,866
Just a little
more now, Roseanne.
393
00:15:33,967 --> 00:15:36,069
Get this thing outta me!
394
00:15:36,169 --> 00:15:37,770
OK, we got a head here.
395
00:15:37,870 --> 00:15:39,472
Just one, right?
396
00:15:39,572 --> 00:15:40,907
Keep pushing, Roseanne.
397
00:15:41,008 --> 00:15:42,342
I can't.
398
00:15:42,442 --> 00:15:44,711
I can't.
399
00:15:44,811 --> 00:15:46,079
I can't do any more.
400
00:15:46,179 --> 00:15:47,114
Yes, you can.
401
00:15:47,214 --> 00:15:50,217
Come on, just one
more good hard push.
402
00:15:50,317 --> 00:15:53,253
Jackie, Mom was right--
403
00:15:53,353 --> 00:15:56,589
sex is bad!
404
00:15:56,689 --> 00:15:59,592
[baby crying]
405
00:16:00,693 --> 00:16:01,594
What is it?
406
00:16:01,694 --> 00:16:04,097
What is it?
407
00:16:04,197 --> 00:16:05,565
5, 5, 5, 5--
408
00:16:05,665 --> 00:16:06,466
1.
409
00:16:06,566 --> 00:16:07,600
Yes!
It's a boy!
410
00:16:12,172 --> 00:16:14,541
Let me see him,
let me see him.
411
00:16:14,641 --> 00:16:17,344
Oh, they're cleaning
him off right now.
412
00:16:17,444 --> 00:16:19,479
Oh, Jackie, I'm so
good you were here.
413
00:16:19,579 --> 00:16:21,448
I wanna apologize for
being mean to you.
414
00:16:21,548 --> 00:16:22,949
No, that's all right.
415
00:16:23,050 --> 00:16:24,184
This is so great.
416
00:16:24,284 --> 00:16:26,753
I'm here at the
beginning of a new life.
417
00:16:26,853 --> 00:16:29,556
That's why you've
gotta be the godmother.
418
00:16:29,656 --> 00:16:32,192
I don't know what to say.
419
00:16:32,292 --> 00:16:34,327
Say the same thing you
said when I asked you to be
420
00:16:34,427 --> 00:16:35,862
Becky and Darlene's godmother.
421
00:16:35,962 --> 00:16:36,963
Oh, OK.
422
00:16:37,064 --> 00:16:37,964
OK.
423
00:16:38,065 --> 00:16:39,766
Ladies and gentlemen,
men, men, men,
424
00:16:39,866 --> 00:16:42,402
the starting quarterback, back,
back, for the Chicago Bears,
425
00:16:42,502 --> 00:16:45,372
ars, ars, ars, Dan
Conner's boy, oy, oy.
426
00:16:45,472 --> 00:16:47,340
Just give me the baby.
427
00:16:47,440 --> 00:16:49,309
Oh.
428
00:16:49,409 --> 00:16:51,644
He's beautiful, Dan.
429
00:16:51,744 --> 00:16:53,380
Just like you, honey.
430
00:16:53,480 --> 00:16:57,184
Oh, hello there, little baby.
431
00:16:57,284 --> 00:16:58,985
You tried to kill
me, didn't you?
432
00:17:03,323 --> 00:17:05,292
Oh, look at him,
Dan, he's smiling.
433
00:17:11,831 --> 00:17:13,233
[door opening]
434
00:17:43,163 --> 00:17:46,099
I'm up.
435
00:17:46,199 --> 00:17:47,167
It's late.
436
00:17:47,267 --> 00:17:48,635
I can't sleep.
437
00:17:48,735 --> 00:17:50,103
Why not?
438
00:17:50,203 --> 00:17:52,972
I'm thinking too much.
439
00:17:53,072 --> 00:17:53,873
Buddy.
440
00:17:56,809 --> 00:17:59,146
I've already told you.
441
00:17:59,246 --> 00:18:03,116
You don't have to worry about me
dying 'cause I'm not going to.
442
00:18:03,216 --> 00:18:04,517
You almost did.
443
00:18:04,617 --> 00:18:08,688
I didn't, and I'm not planning
on dying for a long time, OK?
444
00:18:08,788 --> 00:18:11,558
OK.
445
00:18:11,658 --> 00:18:13,393
Go to sleep.
446
00:18:13,493 --> 00:18:14,861
Good night.
447
00:18:14,961 --> 00:18:17,330
Good night.
448
00:18:17,430 --> 00:18:19,832
But you could.
449
00:18:19,932 --> 00:18:23,002
DJ, if you spend all your time
worrying about dying, living
450
00:18:23,102 --> 00:18:26,005
isn't gonna be much fun, is it?
451
00:18:26,105 --> 00:18:29,642
Well, how do I stop worrying?
452
00:18:29,742 --> 00:18:33,045
Well, I try to think
about good stuff,
453
00:18:33,146 --> 00:18:34,847
like watching you
grow up, teaching
454
00:18:34,947 --> 00:18:39,386
you how to drive a car, meeting
the girl you're gonna marry.
455
00:18:39,486 --> 00:18:42,088
I don't like girls.
456
00:18:42,189 --> 00:18:42,989
Yeah, you do.
457
00:18:43,089 --> 00:18:44,056
See?
458
00:18:44,157 --> 00:18:45,325
I still got a lot of
stuff to teach you.
459
00:18:45,425 --> 00:18:47,727
Now good night.
460
00:18:47,827 --> 00:18:48,728
OK.
461
00:18:48,828 --> 00:18:49,729
OK.
462
00:18:49,829 --> 00:18:50,630
Dad.
463
00:18:54,801 --> 00:18:55,768
When's Darlene gonna die?
464
00:18:55,868 --> 00:18:58,638
Good night, DJ.
465
00:18:58,738 --> 00:18:59,572
See you in the morning.
466
00:18:59,672 --> 00:19:00,473
DAN: You got it.
467
00:19:05,912 --> 00:19:07,714
Hey.
- Hey.
468
00:19:07,814 --> 00:19:08,715
How was baby class?
469
00:19:08,815 --> 00:19:11,050
Oh, you know, same as always.
470
00:19:11,150 --> 00:19:14,521
[breathing]
471
00:19:18,090 --> 00:19:20,927
You know, I was thinking
about this guardian stuff,
472
00:19:21,027 --> 00:19:23,730
and I was thinking, well,
maybe we should leave
473
00:19:23,830 --> 00:19:25,898
the kids with Jackie after all.
474
00:19:25,998 --> 00:19:28,067
Roseanne, we've
been through this.
475
00:19:28,167 --> 00:19:30,670
Yeah, but I mean, she's
part of their lives, Dan.
476
00:19:30,770 --> 00:19:31,871
OK.
477
00:19:31,971 --> 00:19:33,740
She knows when Becky's lying.
478
00:19:33,840 --> 00:19:36,309
She knows when Darlene's
sucking up just to get money.
479
00:19:36,409 --> 00:19:40,580
And she understands all of
DJ's weird little chatter.
480
00:19:40,680 --> 00:19:42,782
Are you feeling
a little guilty?
481
00:19:42,882 --> 00:19:44,083
Yeah, I guess so.
482
00:19:44,183 --> 00:19:45,918
Aren't you?
483
00:19:46,018 --> 00:19:48,087
Yeah, I guess.
484
00:19:48,187 --> 00:19:51,758
OK, if she wants
them, she can have them.
485
00:19:51,858 --> 00:19:52,859
Thanks.
486
00:19:52,959 --> 00:19:54,093
OK.
487
00:19:54,193 --> 00:19:55,928
You go wake them up, and
I'll drive them over there.
488
00:19:58,798 --> 00:19:59,699
Let's go to bed.
489
00:19:59,799 --> 00:20:03,002
All right.
Oh, man.
490
00:20:03,102 --> 00:20:05,772
You know, Dan, you need to
get more life insurance.
491
00:20:05,872 --> 00:20:06,906
We've got enough.
492
00:20:07,006 --> 00:20:08,275
No, we don't.
493
00:20:08,375 --> 00:20:12,712
Like, if you ever die, you know,
I want to grieve in Tahiti.
494
00:20:12,812 --> 00:20:15,615
[theme music]
495
00:20:23,423 --> 00:20:25,558
OK, me and Dan are dead.
496
00:20:25,658 --> 00:20:26,726
You've moved into the house now.
497
00:20:26,826 --> 00:20:28,528
You are in charge of the kids.
498
00:20:28,628 --> 00:20:29,462
Now question number one.
499
00:20:29,562 --> 00:20:30,430
Shoot.
500
00:20:30,530 --> 00:20:32,899
It's Saturday
night, it's 2:00 AM,
501
00:20:32,999 --> 00:20:34,367
and Becky's not home
from her date yet.
502
00:20:34,467 --> 00:20:36,536
What do you do?
503
00:20:36,636 --> 00:20:38,638
OK.
504
00:20:38,738 --> 00:20:39,972
Um.
505
00:20:40,072 --> 00:20:41,608
Am I home from my date yet?
506
00:20:41,708 --> 00:20:44,477
Where am I?
507
00:20:44,577 --> 00:20:46,145
You don't have a date, Jackie.
508
00:20:46,245 --> 00:20:47,314
You have three kids.
509
00:20:47,414 --> 00:20:48,448
You will never have a date.
510
00:20:48,548 --> 00:20:49,716
You will never have a life.
511
00:20:49,816 --> 00:20:52,352
Right, no date,
no life, I forgot.
512
00:20:52,452 --> 00:20:53,520
OK.
513
00:20:53,620 --> 00:20:54,621
OK.
514
00:20:54,721 --> 00:20:57,757
Um, I would call up
all of Becky's friends.
515
00:20:57,857 --> 00:20:59,392
Wrong.
516
00:20:59,492 --> 00:21:02,395
This is that 911
question, isn't it?
517
00:21:02,495 --> 00:21:03,930
- Wrong.
- OK, what?
518
00:21:04,030 --> 00:21:05,097
I don't know.
519
00:21:05,197 --> 00:21:06,766
Well, you go up
in Darlene's room,
520
00:21:06,866 --> 00:21:08,868
and you threaten Darlene's life
until she tells you where--
521
00:21:08,968 --> 00:21:10,002
Threaten Darlene's life.
522
00:21:10,102 --> 00:21:10,970
I should've know that.
523
00:21:11,070 --> 00:21:12,038
I should've had that one.
524
00:21:12,138 --> 00:21:13,239
OK.
525
00:21:13,340 --> 00:21:14,140
OK.
526
00:21:14,240 --> 00:21:15,475
All right, next question.
527
00:21:15,575 --> 00:21:17,910
Becky and Darlene have been
fighting like cats and dogs
528
00:21:18,010 --> 00:21:20,279
for two weeks.
529
00:21:20,380 --> 00:21:21,247
So?
530
00:21:21,348 --> 00:21:22,148
Right.
531
00:21:22,248 --> 00:21:24,551
JACKIE: Yeah.
532
00:21:24,651 --> 00:21:25,818
OK, next question.
533
00:21:25,918 --> 00:21:27,554
You are so exhausted
from taking care
534
00:21:27,654 --> 00:21:30,423
of three kids and the house
that you are not in the mood
535
00:21:30,523 --> 00:21:33,360
for sex for three whole months.
536
00:21:33,460 --> 00:21:35,495
What do you do?
537
00:21:35,595 --> 00:21:38,130
Maybe you oughta give
the kids to Crystal and Ed.
538
00:21:38,230 --> 00:21:39,732
No, it's too late now.
539
00:21:39,832 --> 00:21:40,767
No, no, no.
540
00:21:40,867 --> 00:21:41,901
No, you wanted it.
541
00:21:42,001 --> 00:21:42,802
No.
542
00:21:42,902 --> 00:21:43,703
You begged--
543
00:21:43,803 --> 00:21:45,572
No, no.
544
00:21:45,622 --> 00:21:50,172
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