Original subtitles

[theme music]

[jazzy music]

Hey, I am not spending my summer

vacation at the Grand Canyon.

Yeah, no way.

Why not?

Think about it, Dan.

You make some long, sweaty car trip just so you

can look down a big hole.

You don't want any of us standing behind you.

OK.

Show of hands.

Who doesn't want to go to the Grand Canyon this summer?

All right, you don't want to do anything as a family, fine.

We'll spend the summer in the inflatable pool.

Ooh, show of hands.

Meeting adjourned.

- See ya next year. - Yeah.

Where do you think you're going? - Basketball.

Bye.

No, you're gonna do the dishes,

or else you're not getting your allowance next week.

Deal.

Thanks.

Well, I guess a $3 threat ain't what it used to be.

Becky!

No.

[whack]

They don't even try to humor us anymore.

How come I got three kids and a husband

and I end up doing all the grunt work?

The beauty part is, you actually

grunt while you're doing it.

I want a dishwasher.

I know.

We've been all through this, Roseanne.

The kitchen wasn't designed for one.

You don't have the right kind of plumbing.

You'd lose half your cabinet space.

Trust me, I'm a professional contractor.

It can't be done.

Well, then I want you to go in there

and build me that shelf by the front door there like I want.

Well, that's a whole 'nother other ball of worms there, now.

You ain't got the right kind of wall studs in there

and the whole unit would fall right over.

You never build me nothing.

Hey, hey, hey, what about this fabulous service porch

I built you for your washer and dryer?

Oh, yeah, just because you got tired of watching me

do the laundry in the rain.

Hey.

Hi.

You didn't tell me the new neighbors were moving in today.

What's the story?

What are they like?

I don't know.

Yeah, like you haven't been watching through the window

all morning.

OK, well, the husband, Darrin, he's in advertising.

And then they have this real cute little girl, Tabitha.

But the wife, I don't know.

Something's wrong with her.

I think she's a witch.

[door slams]

- Hi. - Hi.

Who's this? - He's Todd.

He just moved in next door.

He's my new best friend.

Well, hi, Todd, nice to meet ya.

Hi.

Can Todd camp out in the back yard with you and me next week?

Sure, if it's OK with his folks.

Great.

Do you have to come?

It's my tent.

It'll be OK.

Yeah.

I burp real good. [doorbell rings]

Prove it.

Well, you're on, Dan.

You better hold onto the table there, Todd.

Yeah, you're not wearing anything flammable, are ya,

boy?

Hello.

Hi, I'm Kathy Bowman.

I was looking for my son, Todd.

Did he come over here?

Oh, yeah, you're the new neighbor.

Yeah, come on in.

I'm Roseanne Conner.

DAN: [drawn-out belch]

Uh, that was my husband.

Oh.

ROSEANNE: [chuckling] Keep your hands off him.

Uh, so is Todd here?

Oh, yeah. (YELLING) Hey, Todd, your mom's here.

Hey, hi, neighbor.

My husband Dan, my sister Jackie, that's DJ,

yeah, and you know Todd.

Mom, Mr. Conner's real cool.

Yes, I heard.

Aw, that.

I coulda done better, but I didn't wanna hurt the lad.

Uh, Todd, honey, we've got a lot of packing to do.

Aw, Mom, DJ was just gonna show me his room.

It'll only take a minute.

Hey, yeah, while you're up there,

show him how to make his bed, wouldja?

All right!

Well, hey, do you want some coffee?

I've got some.

I've got some fudge, too.

It's nowhere near as thick as the coffee,

but it's pretty good.

Well, uh, no.

No thanks.

Well, sit down, at least.

Oh, I can only stay a minute.

So.

You guys been doing a lot of work over there

the last couple months.

I hope the workmen didn't bother you.

Nah.

Oh, no, except for one time when they came over

and asked us to hold it down.

Your turn.

So, where are you from?

Oh, uh, Chicago.

Oh, Chicago.

Oh, I love it there.

There's so much going on, you know,

with the restaurants and the museums and the theaters.

[muffled squeak]

Huh?

What?

I'm sorry. I sneezed.

I, uh-- I'm allergic to dust.

I just dusted.

Oh.

It's the only thing that makes me sneeze.

[muffled squeak]

You call that a sneeze?

See ya later, DJ.

Bye, Todd.

It's very nice meeting all of you.

I'm sure I'll see you around.

Yeah, If you need anything, give us a call.

Oh, thanks. [sucking hiss] Heh.

Man, she is a witch.

Now, Roseanne.

She hated my house.

She just sneezed--

sorta.

She wouldn't sit down, she wouldn't have coffee,

you know, she wouldn't even take two steps away from the door.

She just couldn't wait to get outta here.

So she's nervous about new people.

Why?

We're fun.

Oh, I don't know.

Maybe she was a little uptight.

A little uptight?

Hey, man, you couldn't drag a needle

out of her butt with a tractor.

[music playing]

Remember, we're here because we're neighbors

and we wanna be friendly.

No, I'm here looking for dust.

This isn't going to be pleasant, is it?

And you know what?

If I find any dust, you know what I'm gonna do?

I'm gonna sneeze.

And not one of them little needle-butt sneezes, neither.

I'm gonna blow a lung all over her living room.

Welcome Wagon.

Welcome Wagon.

Oh, how neighborly.

Well, come on in.

I'll just put this in the kitchen.

Neighborly.

(HIGH-PITCHED) Ah-chew.

My god, Roseanne, this is our house.

Same floor plan, same stairs, same archway--

it's the exact same house.

Man, this is the house I coulda had if I

woulda married somebody better.

Thank you.

My, uh, husband's in the study.

I'll just go get him.

Study?

He turned our bedroom into a study.

Well, you turned the bathroom into a library.

Look at that.

You been lying to me for 12 years.

What?

That there is the very shelf I told you I wanted, which you

says I can't have on account of there

wasn't the right studs in the wall.

Whoa-ho, stand back honey, that sucker's liable

to fall over any minute.

This place is a death trap.

Hey, there, neighbors.

Jerry Bowman.

Hey, Dan Conner.

This my wife, Roseanne.

Great to meetcha.

Boy, we lived in our apartment in Chicago for nine years

and neighbors never once brought us cake.

Come on, let's eat.

Man.

I just can't believe how much your living

room reminds me of ours.

Well, I'm not quite finished with it yet.

Honey.

Remember, for better or for worse.

It's a dishwasher!

DAN: Well, hey, I'll bet you had to tear out half the kitchen

to get that sucker in there.

No, not really.

At first I thought there wasn't gonna be room for a dishwasher,

but then the contractor slid it right in.

Whole thing took an hour.

Was there cake?

Yeah, come on, sit down.

Oh, uh, you know, I don't have any coffee.

Well, why don't we go on over to our house

and I'll make us a pot?

Boy, I'd love to, but I'm awfully tired.

Oh, uh, well, um, maybe we should do

this another time, then, huh?

Yeah, I'm sorry, we should have

given you time to settle in. - Yeah.

Yeah.

We just need a little time to settle in, there.

But look, thanks for coming and, uh,

we'll do this another time, OK?

OK.

Good night, Jerry, good night, Kathy.

JERRY: Good night, Rosanne.

Good night, Dan.

[music playing]

No coffee, I'm sure.

She just couldn't wait to get us out of her house.

Honey, honey, calm down.

You'll feel better after a good night's sleep.

Oh, yeah, like I'm gonna get any sleep with all the noise

you're gonna be making building me that new shelf.

I'll try to keep it down.

So, you know, I'm over there at Buy & Bag and everything,

so I see Kathy walking by.

And I'm her neighbor and everything, so I go to wave

at her, you know, hi, Kathy.

OK.

She sees me, but she walks right by like she doesn't see me,

you know?

And so I'm standing there with, like, my hand in the air,

you know?

So then, you know how you have to wave at somebody?

So I end up waving at the produce manager,

and now he thinks I have the hots for him.

I wish I could meet a guy in management.

I mean, I just don't get it, you know?

Her kid plays with my kid, her husband plays with my husband.

I just don't know why she won't play with me.

What is it with you?

You never used to worry about what people thought about you.

Well, yeah, that's 'cause everybody likes me.

OK.

What does Dan say, huh?

He talks to that Jerry guy, right?

Well, yeah.

Well, he goes that she never wanted to [ahem] leave

Chicago in the first place and she

don't like it here that much.

Well, big deal, you know?

Nobody likes it here.

That's why we watch so damn much TV.

Can I go now?

I suppose. JACKIE: All right.

Bye. ROSEANNE: Bye.

Roseanne--

Yeah?

I like ya.

Oh, thanks, Sis.

Of course, then, I don't have to live next door to ya.

Ha, ha.

50 bucks.

What a moron.

I didn't know it was a handicap space, OK?

Oh, what?

That little glow-in-the-dark wheelchair didn't tip you off?

Mom, look.

Oh, man, it's your very first ticket.

It's just beautiful.

I'm gonna put it up here on the fridge

next to DJ's finger-painting.

What am I gonna do?

Pay it.

How about if I say it blew off the car window?

Yeah, that's a good one.

Yeah, I think the judge will go for that.

Maybe it's like his first minute on the job.

[door slams]

Hi, Mom.

Todd cut his arm. - Aw, geez.

Darlene, get me a Band-Aid.

What happened?

We were playing down where they're

building the new supermarket.

I told you not to go down there.

You could get hurt.

I didn't.

Oh, man.

Well, that's the beauty there, Todd.

There you go.

You better go home and show it to your mom, now, OK?

And tell her to dress you real warm for the campout tonight.

Bye.

See you tonight. - Where you going?

I'm not done yelling at you yet.

Hey.

I told you you're not supposed to go down

to construction sites to play.

It's dangerous and you could get hurt.

But Todd's never been to one before.

I don't care.

That's what I told you and that's what I want you to do.

OK.

I'm sorry.

OK.

Go on upstairs.

Darlene, I was driving you to the mall,

so you should pay half the ticket.

That's 25 bucks.

[sigh] OK, $15.

$10.

$12.50.

Mm, nah, you pay the whole thing.

[doorbell rings]

Oh, hi, Kathy.

I was just cleaning up a little bit.

Todd told me that he cut his arm at--

at some construction site.

Did you know they were there?

Oh, yeah, they just told me.

[gasp] Roseanne, I left him here assuming that

you would keep an eye on him.

They took off on their bikes.

And you allow your son to just leave whenever he wants?

Yeah, I encourage it.

I don't know, Roseanne.

I don't know.

When my son takes off on his bike,

I like to ask him where he's going.

And if he tells me it's a place with-- with broken glass and,

and, and little pieces of metal, I say no.

Well, I just don't believe it.

You're finally coming over here, but it's

just to tell me that you're a better mom than I am.

I always know where my son is, Roseanne.

Well, I've got three kids and a job

and I can't be everywhere, OK?

So I've gotta trust my kids, and they're still alive, so I've

obviously done something right.

So now you're a better mother because you have more children?

Yes.

I have three and you only have one.

Three-to-one, get it? I have three.

I win.

Oh, please.

Oh, you probably still sneak into Todd's room at night

and check if he's breathing. - Yes.

Amateur.

My son could have been seriously injured today,

Roseanne.

Hey, we're talking about eight-year-old boys here, OK?

Now, if you're going to blame me for everything

they do that you don't like, then just don't

send Todd over here anymore.

That is exactly what I had in mind.

Oh, yeah?

Well, I'm gonna go you one better, Kathy.

I'm not sending DJ over to your house, either,

because I don't need him picking up any of your attitude.

Oh, and just exactly what attitude is that?

(IMITATING KATHY'S VOICE) That one right there.

(NORMAL VOICE) You know, the one where you think you're

too damn good to live next door to me.

Well, you're not.

You're just some stressed-out overprotective snob who

paid way too much for a house.

And how do you know how much--

Everybody knows.

Look, just forget it, Roseanne.

Forget it.

I don't know why I am even talking to you.

Well, you're not.

[slam]

[music playing]

DAN: Police knew the killer was insane.

At night he would stalk poor, unsuspecting campers.

And as he would creep up upon their tents, he would whistle.

[spooky whistling]

And then he'd hack 'em to pieces with a machete.

Can I have a machete?

No.

Well, did they ever catch him?

Yeah, once.

They handcuffed him, but he hacked

off his own hand to escape.

And now he has a hook which he uses to kill his victims

and drag their lifeless corpses along the bloody ground.

What happened to the machete?

You can't have one.

Anyway, he was last spotted here in Lanford.

Police have been searching for days--

THE HOOK: [breathy whistling] - What was that?

What?

[gasp] The whistling killer.

Don't make a sound, we'll be safe in here.

THE HOOK: [scream]

DAN: [screaming] It's The Hook!

Mom, I thought you were supposed

to bring us something to eat.

THE HOOK: Aargh!

Thanks.

Did we scare you, DJ?

Yeah.

He was just scared you were gonna hurt the hook guy.

- Well, carry on. - All right.

Where was I?

I still don't get why Todd couldn't be here tonight.

DAN: Well, I'm here and we're having fun, aren't we?

Yeah, but he's my best friend.

Well, you guys got in trouble together.

DJ: So, when can we play together again?

DAN: Well, when you can prove you won't do it again.

How can we do that if we can't even play together?

[sigh] Aw, hang on a minute, will ya?

You're here.

Yeah, and I heard.

Rosie?

Well, Dan, if I go over there, you know,

that's gonna be like admitting I was wrong, you know,

and I wasn't wrong.

Do it for the kids.

Oh, cut the telethon crap, Dan.

Geez, I have to go over there and eat crow?

You'll be the better person.

Oh, all right.

Well, tell him another story. I'll be right back.

DAN: All right.

Did I ever tell you about the killer who carried his own head

around in a bowling bag?

No.

I'm a better person.

I'm a better person.

I'm a better person.

Well, if I don't kill her.

Roseanne.

Hi.

Um, I came to invite Todd to DJ's campout.

Well, I don't know.

Well, I'm sure that we both said things that we regret.

I, uh--

I meant what I said.

OK.

Uh, I regret what I said, OK?

Uh, like, DJ really likes Todd.

And to be quite frank, DJ doesn't have that many friends.

Well, maybe that has something to do with the attitude

with which he was raised.

[deep inhale]

Well, now, that's something to chew on.

So, can Todd come?

Roseanne, I just wish I could be sure

that when Todd is over there, he is

receiving the same kind of supervision he

would be getting here at home.

OK, hey.

I personally guarantee his safe return.

Well, [sigh] as long as you're admitting that you are wrong.

Fine.

OK.

I'll just see if Todd wants to go.

Todd--

Bye!

[door slams]

Well, you know, Kathy, just because we're neighbors

doesn't mean we have to like each other.

No, we don't.

- We don't even have to pretend. - No, I know.

But, you know, we shouldn't take it out on the kids.

Fine.

OK.

Good night, Roseanne.

Good night, needle-butt.

[blues music]

[chamber music]

[blues music]

[chamber music]

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