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1
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[theme music]
2
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[jazzy music]
3
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Hey, I am not
spending my summer
4
00:00:59,427 --> 00:01:01,529
vacation at the Grand Canyon.
5
00:01:01,629 --> 00:01:02,630
Yeah, no way.
6
00:01:02,730 --> 00:01:03,697
Why not?
7
00:01:03,797 --> 00:01:04,865
Think about it, Dan.
8
00:01:04,965 --> 00:01:07,335
You make some long, sweaty
car trip just so you
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can look down a big hole.
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You don't want any of
us standing behind you.
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OK.
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Show of hands.
13
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Who doesn't want to go to
the Grand Canyon this summer?
14
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All right, you don't want to
do anything as a family, fine.
15
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We'll spend the summer
in the inflatable pool.
16
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Ooh, show of hands.
17
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Meeting adjourned.
18
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- See ya next year.
- Yeah.
19
00:01:28,456 --> 00:01:30,158
Where do you think you're going?
- Basketball.
20
00:01:30,258 --> 00:01:31,091
Bye.
21
00:01:31,192 --> 00:01:32,360
No, you're gonna
do the dishes,
22
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or else you're not getting
your allowance next week.
23
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Deal.
24
00:01:35,296 --> 00:01:36,096
Thanks.
25
00:01:38,799 --> 00:01:42,069
Well, I guess a $3 threat
ain't what it used to be.
26
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Becky!
27
00:01:43,103 --> 00:01:43,971
No.
28
00:01:44,071 --> 00:01:45,639
[whack]
29
00:01:45,739 --> 00:01:49,210
They don't even try
to humor us anymore.
30
00:01:49,310 --> 00:01:51,212
How come I got three
kids and a husband
31
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and I end up doing
all the grunt work?
32
00:01:53,914 --> 00:01:55,015
The beauty part
is, you actually
33
00:01:55,115 --> 00:01:57,785
grunt while you're doing it.
34
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I want a dishwasher.
35
00:02:00,087 --> 00:02:00,988
I know.
36
00:02:01,088 --> 00:02:02,390
We've been all through
this, Roseanne.
37
00:02:02,490 --> 00:02:04,358
The kitchen wasn't
designed for one.
38
00:02:04,458 --> 00:02:05,826
You don't have the
right kind of plumbing.
39
00:02:05,926 --> 00:02:08,095
You'd lose half
your cabinet space.
40
00:02:08,196 --> 00:02:09,863
Trust me, I'm a
professional contractor.
41
00:02:09,963 --> 00:02:10,898
It can't be done.
42
00:02:10,998 --> 00:02:12,300
Well, then I want
you to go in there
43
00:02:12,400 --> 00:02:14,702
and build me that shelf by the
front door there like I want.
44
00:02:14,802 --> 00:02:17,104
Well, that's a whole 'nother
other ball of worms there, now.
45
00:02:17,205 --> 00:02:18,939
You ain't got the right
kind of wall studs in there
46
00:02:19,039 --> 00:02:22,243
and the whole unit
would fall right over.
47
00:02:22,343 --> 00:02:23,844
You never build me nothing.
48
00:02:23,944 --> 00:02:26,414
Hey, hey, hey, what about
this fabulous service porch
49
00:02:26,514 --> 00:02:28,482
I built you for your
washer and dryer?
50
00:02:28,582 --> 00:02:30,551
Oh, yeah, just because
you got tired of watching me
51
00:02:30,651 --> 00:02:32,820
do the laundry in the rain.
52
00:02:32,920 --> 00:02:33,754
Hey.
53
00:02:33,854 --> 00:02:35,122
Hi.
54
00:02:35,223 --> 00:02:37,024
You didn't tell me the new
neighbors were moving in today.
55
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What's the story?
56
00:02:38,158 --> 00:02:38,959
What are they like?
57
00:02:39,059 --> 00:02:40,294
I don't know.
58
00:02:40,394 --> 00:02:42,129
Yeah, like you haven't been
watching through the window
59
00:02:42,230 --> 00:02:44,198
all morning.
60
00:02:44,298 --> 00:02:48,636
OK, well, the husband,
Darrin, he's in advertising.
61
00:02:48,736 --> 00:02:51,405
And then they have this real
cute little girl, Tabitha.
62
00:02:51,505 --> 00:02:54,041
But the wife, I don't know.
63
00:02:54,141 --> 00:02:54,942
Something's wrong with her.
64
00:02:55,042 --> 00:02:57,445
I think she's a witch.
65
00:02:57,545 --> 00:02:58,912
[door slams]
66
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- Hi.
- Hi.
67
00:03:00,448 --> 00:03:02,350
Who's this?
- He's Todd.
68
00:03:02,450 --> 00:03:03,584
He just moved in next door.
69
00:03:03,684 --> 00:03:05,319
He's my new best friend.
70
00:03:05,419 --> 00:03:07,488
Well, hi, Todd,
nice to meet ya.
71
00:03:07,588 --> 00:03:09,423
Hi.
72
00:03:09,523 --> 00:03:12,426
Can Todd camp out in the back
yard with you and me next week?
73
00:03:12,526 --> 00:03:14,127
Sure, if it's
OK with his folks.
74
00:03:14,228 --> 00:03:15,128
Great.
75
00:03:15,229 --> 00:03:16,630
Do you have to come?
76
00:03:16,730 --> 00:03:19,367
It's my tent.
77
00:03:19,467 --> 00:03:20,601
It'll be OK.
78
00:03:20,701 --> 00:03:21,535
Yeah.
79
00:03:21,635 --> 00:03:22,870
I burp real good.
[doorbell rings]
80
00:03:22,970 --> 00:03:24,171
Prove it.
81
00:03:24,272 --> 00:03:25,373
Well, you're on, Dan.
82
00:03:25,473 --> 00:03:27,808
You better hold onto
the table there, Todd.
83
00:03:27,908 --> 00:03:29,977
Yeah, you're not wearing
anything flammable, are ya,
84
00:03:30,077 --> 00:03:30,878
boy?
85
00:03:33,080 --> 00:03:33,881
Hello.
86
00:03:33,981 --> 00:03:35,683
Hi, I'm Kathy Bowman.
87
00:03:35,783 --> 00:03:37,084
I was looking for my son, Todd.
88
00:03:37,184 --> 00:03:38,185
Did he come over here?
89
00:03:38,286 --> 00:03:39,487
Oh, yeah, you're
the new neighbor.
90
00:03:39,587 --> 00:03:40,388
Yeah, come on in.
91
00:03:40,488 --> 00:03:41,289
I'm Roseanne Conner.
92
00:03:41,389 --> 00:03:44,525
DAN: [drawn-out belch]
93
00:03:51,599 --> 00:03:54,535
Uh, that was my husband.
94
00:03:54,635 --> 00:03:55,669
Oh.
95
00:03:55,769 --> 00:04:01,309
ROSEANNE: [chuckling]
Keep your hands off him.
96
00:04:01,409 --> 00:04:04,378
Uh, so is Todd here?
97
00:04:04,478 --> 00:04:07,147
Oh, yeah. (YELLING) Hey,
Todd, your mom's here.
98
00:04:10,618 --> 00:04:11,985
Hey, hi, neighbor.
99
00:04:12,085 --> 00:04:15,088
My husband Dan, my
sister Jackie, that's DJ,
100
00:04:15,188 --> 00:04:16,824
yeah, and you know Todd.
101
00:04:16,924 --> 00:04:19,293
Mom, Mr. Conner's real cool.
102
00:04:19,393 --> 00:04:20,628
Yes, I heard.
103
00:04:20,728 --> 00:04:22,162
Aw, that.
104
00:04:22,262 --> 00:04:26,334
I coulda done better, but I
didn't wanna hurt the lad.
105
00:04:26,434 --> 00:04:28,936
Uh, Todd, honey, we've
got a lot of packing to do.
106
00:04:29,036 --> 00:04:31,972
Aw, Mom, DJ was just
gonna show me his room.
107
00:04:32,072 --> 00:04:33,307
It'll only take a minute.
108
00:04:33,407 --> 00:04:34,542
Hey, yeah, while
you're up there,
109
00:04:34,642 --> 00:04:35,976
show him how to make
his bed, wouldja?
110
00:04:36,076 --> 00:04:36,877
All right!
111
00:04:39,246 --> 00:04:40,681
Well, hey, do you
want some coffee?
112
00:04:40,781 --> 00:04:41,582
I've got some.
113
00:04:41,682 --> 00:04:43,216
I've got some fudge, too.
114
00:04:43,317 --> 00:04:45,619
It's nowhere near as
thick as the coffee,
115
00:04:45,719 --> 00:04:48,021
but it's pretty good.
116
00:04:48,121 --> 00:04:48,922
Well, uh, no.
117
00:04:49,022 --> 00:04:50,358
No thanks.
118
00:04:50,458 --> 00:04:51,859
Well, sit down, at least.
119
00:04:51,959 --> 00:04:52,993
Oh, I can only stay a minute.
120
00:04:55,663 --> 00:04:56,464
So.
121
00:04:59,299 --> 00:05:00,668
You guys been doing a
lot of work over there
122
00:05:00,768 --> 00:05:03,437
the last couple months.
123
00:05:03,537 --> 00:05:04,838
I hope the workmen
didn't bother you.
124
00:05:04,938 --> 00:05:06,073
Nah.
125
00:05:06,173 --> 00:05:07,908
Oh, no, except for one
time when they came over
126
00:05:08,008 --> 00:05:09,410
and asked us to hold it down.
127
00:05:17,418 --> 00:05:18,218
Your turn.
128
00:05:21,955 --> 00:05:23,357
So, where are you from?
129
00:05:23,457 --> 00:05:24,525
Oh, uh, Chicago.
130
00:05:24,625 --> 00:05:25,926
Oh, Chicago.
131
00:05:26,026 --> 00:05:26,960
Oh, I love it there.
132
00:05:27,060 --> 00:05:28,328
There's so much
going on, you know,
133
00:05:28,429 --> 00:05:31,064
with the restaurants and the
museums and the theaters.
134
00:05:31,164 --> 00:05:32,600
[muffled squeak]
135
00:05:32,700 --> 00:05:33,501
Huh?
136
00:05:33,601 --> 00:05:35,168
What?
137
00:05:35,268 --> 00:05:36,970
I'm sorry.
I sneezed.
138
00:05:37,070 --> 00:05:39,740
I, uh-- I'm allergic to dust.
139
00:05:48,449 --> 00:05:50,751
I just dusted.
140
00:05:50,851 --> 00:05:51,852
Oh.
141
00:05:51,952 --> 00:05:54,187
It's the only thing
that makes me sneeze.
142
00:05:54,287 --> 00:05:58,792
[muffled squeak]
143
00:05:58,892 --> 00:05:59,960
You call that a sneeze?
144
00:06:04,432 --> 00:06:06,033
See ya later, DJ.
145
00:06:06,133 --> 00:06:07,034
Bye, Todd.
146
00:06:07,134 --> 00:06:08,268
It's very nice
meeting all of you.
147
00:06:08,368 --> 00:06:09,937
I'm sure I'll see you around.
148
00:06:10,037 --> 00:06:11,439
Yeah, If you need
anything, give us a call.
149
00:06:11,539 --> 00:06:12,840
Oh, thanks.
[sucking hiss] Heh.
150
00:06:17,177 --> 00:06:18,178
Man, she is a witch.
151
00:06:18,278 --> 00:06:20,581
Now, Roseanne.
152
00:06:20,681 --> 00:06:21,615
She hated my house.
153
00:06:21,715 --> 00:06:23,316
She just sneezed--
154
00:06:23,417 --> 00:06:25,318
sorta.
155
00:06:25,419 --> 00:06:28,021
She wouldn't sit down,
she wouldn't have coffee,
156
00:06:28,121 --> 00:06:30,157
you know, she wouldn't even take
two steps away from the door.
157
00:06:30,257 --> 00:06:31,625
She just couldn't wait
to get outta here.
158
00:06:31,725 --> 00:06:34,695
So she's nervous
about new people.
159
00:06:34,795 --> 00:06:35,596
Why?
160
00:06:35,696 --> 00:06:36,964
We're fun.
161
00:06:37,064 --> 00:06:38,365
Oh, I don't know.
162
00:06:38,466 --> 00:06:41,368
Maybe she was a little uptight.
163
00:06:41,469 --> 00:06:43,637
A little uptight?
164
00:06:43,737 --> 00:06:45,205
Hey, man, you
couldn't drag a needle
165
00:06:45,305 --> 00:06:48,108
out of her butt with a tractor.
166
00:06:48,208 --> 00:06:50,578
[music playing]
167
00:06:59,019 --> 00:07:00,688
Remember, we're here
because we're neighbors
168
00:07:00,788 --> 00:07:02,355
and we wanna be friendly.
169
00:07:02,456 --> 00:07:03,857
No, I'm here looking for dust.
170
00:07:06,727 --> 00:07:08,529
This isn't going to
be pleasant, is it?
171
00:07:08,629 --> 00:07:09,663
And you know what?
172
00:07:09,763 --> 00:07:11,298
If I find any dust, you
know what I'm gonna do?
173
00:07:11,398 --> 00:07:12,633
I'm gonna sneeze.
174
00:07:12,733 --> 00:07:15,435
And not one of them little
needle-butt sneezes, neither.
175
00:07:15,536 --> 00:07:18,572
I'm gonna blow a lung
all over her living room.
176
00:07:21,141 --> 00:07:21,942
Welcome Wagon.
177
00:07:22,042 --> 00:07:23,176
Welcome Wagon.
178
00:07:23,276 --> 00:07:27,414
Oh, how neighborly.
179
00:07:27,515 --> 00:07:28,549
Well, come on in.
180
00:07:31,284 --> 00:07:34,955
I'll just put this
in the kitchen.
181
00:07:35,055 --> 00:07:36,890
Neighborly.
182
00:07:36,990 --> 00:07:38,358
(HIGH-PITCHED) Ah-chew.
183
00:07:42,830 --> 00:07:45,599
My god, Roseanne,
this is our house.
184
00:07:45,699 --> 00:07:48,068
Same floor plan, same
stairs, same archway--
185
00:07:48,168 --> 00:07:50,370
it's the exact same house.
186
00:07:50,470 --> 00:07:52,540
Man, this is the
house I coulda had if I
187
00:07:52,640 --> 00:07:53,774
woulda married somebody better.
188
00:07:56,777 --> 00:07:58,612
Thank you.
189
00:07:58,712 --> 00:08:01,014
My, uh, husband's
in the study.
190
00:08:01,114 --> 00:08:02,382
I'll just go get him.
191
00:08:02,482 --> 00:08:03,283
Study?
192
00:08:06,820 --> 00:08:09,790
He turned our
bedroom into a study.
193
00:08:09,890 --> 00:08:11,559
Well, you turned the
bathroom into a library.
194
00:08:16,830 --> 00:08:17,665
Look at that.
195
00:08:17,765 --> 00:08:19,767
You been lying to
me for 12 years.
196
00:08:19,867 --> 00:08:21,134
What?
197
00:08:21,234 --> 00:08:24,638
That there is the very shelf
I told you I wanted, which you
198
00:08:24,738 --> 00:08:26,139
says I can't have
on account of there
199
00:08:26,239 --> 00:08:27,507
wasn't the right
studs in the wall.
200
00:08:27,608 --> 00:08:29,309
Whoa-ho, stand back
honey, that sucker's liable
201
00:08:29,409 --> 00:08:30,210
to fall over any minute.
202
00:08:30,310 --> 00:08:32,980
This place is a death trap.
203
00:08:33,080 --> 00:08:34,381
Hey, there, neighbors.
204
00:08:34,481 --> 00:08:35,515
Jerry Bowman.
205
00:08:35,616 --> 00:08:36,416
Hey, Dan Conner.
206
00:08:36,516 --> 00:08:37,718
This my wife, Roseanne.
207
00:08:37,818 --> 00:08:39,052
Great to meetcha.
208
00:08:39,152 --> 00:08:41,454
Boy, we lived in our apartment
in Chicago for nine years
209
00:08:41,555 --> 00:08:42,890
and neighbors never
once brought us cake.
210
00:08:42,990 --> 00:08:43,791
Come on, let's eat.
211
00:08:47,260 --> 00:08:48,596
Man.
212
00:08:48,696 --> 00:08:50,664
I just can't believe
how much your living
213
00:08:50,764 --> 00:08:52,232
room reminds me of ours.
214
00:08:54,935 --> 00:08:57,170
Well, I'm not quite
finished with it yet.
215
00:09:00,073 --> 00:09:02,275
Honey.
216
00:09:02,375 --> 00:09:04,544
Remember, for
better or for worse.
217
00:09:09,082 --> 00:09:10,250
It's a dishwasher!
218
00:09:14,855 --> 00:09:17,057
DAN: Well, hey, I'll bet you
had to tear out half the kitchen
219
00:09:17,157 --> 00:09:18,258
to get that sucker in there.
220
00:09:18,358 --> 00:09:19,660
No, not really.
221
00:09:19,760 --> 00:09:21,228
At first I thought there wasn't
gonna be room for a dishwasher,
222
00:09:21,328 --> 00:09:23,430
but then the contractor
slid it right in.
223
00:09:23,530 --> 00:09:24,632
Whole thing took an hour.
224
00:09:29,136 --> 00:09:30,838
Was there cake?
225
00:09:30,938 --> 00:09:32,272
Yeah, come on, sit down.
226
00:09:35,175 --> 00:09:39,680
Oh, uh, you know, I
don't have any coffee.
227
00:09:39,780 --> 00:09:41,782
Well, why don't we
go on over to our house
228
00:09:41,882 --> 00:09:43,250
and I'll make us a pot?
229
00:09:43,350 --> 00:09:47,721
Boy, I'd love to,
but I'm awfully tired.
230
00:09:47,821 --> 00:09:49,990
Oh, uh, well, um,
maybe we should do
231
00:09:50,090 --> 00:09:50,991
this another time, then, huh?
232
00:09:51,091 --> 00:09:52,092
Yeah, I'm sorry,
we should have
233
00:09:52,192 --> 00:09:53,560
given you time to settle in.
- Yeah.
234
00:09:53,661 --> 00:09:54,762
Yeah.
235
00:09:54,862 --> 00:09:56,664
We just need a little
time to settle in, there.
236
00:09:56,764 --> 00:09:59,599
But look, thanks
for coming and, uh,
237
00:09:59,700 --> 00:10:00,701
we'll do this another time, OK?
238
00:10:00,801 --> 00:10:01,702
OK.
239
00:10:01,802 --> 00:10:03,303
Good night, Jerry,
good night, Kathy.
240
00:10:03,403 --> 00:10:04,805
JERRY: Good night, Rosanne.
241
00:10:04,905 --> 00:10:07,374
Good night, Dan.
242
00:10:07,474 --> 00:10:09,810
[music playing]
243
00:10:17,217 --> 00:10:18,952
No coffee, I'm sure.
244
00:10:19,052 --> 00:10:21,722
She just couldn't wait to
get us out of her house.
245
00:10:21,822 --> 00:10:24,057
Honey, honey, calm down.
246
00:10:24,157 --> 00:10:26,259
You'll feel better after
a good night's sleep.
247
00:10:26,359 --> 00:10:28,796
Oh, yeah, like I'm gonna get
any sleep with all the noise
248
00:10:28,896 --> 00:10:30,698
you're gonna be making
building me that new shelf.
249
00:10:34,001 --> 00:10:34,968
I'll try to keep it down.
250
00:10:42,142 --> 00:10:44,878
So, you know, I'm over there
at Buy & Bag and everything,
251
00:10:44,978 --> 00:10:46,747
so I see Kathy walking by.
252
00:10:46,847 --> 00:10:48,448
And I'm her neighbor and
everything, so I go to wave
253
00:10:48,548 --> 00:10:49,917
at her, you know, hi, Kathy.
254
00:10:50,017 --> 00:10:51,284
OK.
255
00:10:51,384 --> 00:10:52,820
She sees me, but she walks right
by like she doesn't see me,
256
00:10:52,920 --> 00:10:54,154
you know?
257
00:10:54,254 --> 00:10:55,889
And so I'm standing there
with, like, my hand in the air,
258
00:10:55,989 --> 00:10:57,157
you know?
259
00:10:57,257 --> 00:10:59,827
So then, you know how you
have to wave at somebody?
260
00:10:59,927 --> 00:11:02,495
So I end up waving at
the produce manager,
261
00:11:02,595 --> 00:11:04,231
and now he thinks I
have the hots for him.
262
00:11:07,567 --> 00:11:09,436
I wish I could meet
a guy in management.
263
00:11:12,605 --> 00:11:13,907
I mean, I just don't
get it, you know?
264
00:11:14,007 --> 00:11:17,077
Her kid plays with my kid, her
husband plays with my husband.
265
00:11:17,177 --> 00:11:18,678
I just don't know why
she won't play with me.
266
00:11:18,779 --> 00:11:20,080
What is it with you?
267
00:11:20,180 --> 00:11:22,482
You never used to worry about
what people thought about you.
268
00:11:22,582 --> 00:11:26,353
Well, yeah, that's
'cause everybody likes me.
269
00:11:26,453 --> 00:11:27,254
OK.
270
00:11:27,354 --> 00:11:28,856
What does Dan say, huh?
271
00:11:28,956 --> 00:11:31,124
He talks to that
Jerry guy, right?
272
00:11:31,224 --> 00:11:32,359
Well, yeah.
273
00:11:32,459 --> 00:11:34,962
Well, he goes that she
never wanted to [ahem] leave
274
00:11:35,062 --> 00:11:36,429
Chicago in the
first place and she
275
00:11:36,529 --> 00:11:37,664
don't like it here that much.
276
00:11:37,765 --> 00:11:38,698
Well, big deal, you know?
277
00:11:38,799 --> 00:11:40,067
Nobody likes it here.
278
00:11:40,167 --> 00:11:43,837
That's why we watch
so damn much TV.
279
00:11:43,937 --> 00:11:45,272
Can I go now?
280
00:11:45,372 --> 00:11:46,673
I suppose.
JACKIE: All right.
281
00:11:46,774 --> 00:11:47,474
Bye.
ROSEANNE: Bye.
282
00:11:47,574 --> 00:11:48,508
Roseanne--
283
00:11:48,608 --> 00:11:49,409
Yeah?
284
00:11:49,509 --> 00:11:50,610
I like ya.
285
00:11:50,710 --> 00:11:51,945
Oh, thanks, Sis.
286
00:11:52,045 --> 00:11:54,915
Of course, then, I don't
have to live next door to ya.
287
00:11:55,015 --> 00:11:56,449
Ha, ha.
288
00:11:56,549 --> 00:11:57,851
50 bucks.
289
00:11:57,951 --> 00:11:59,052
What a moron.
290
00:11:59,152 --> 00:12:01,688
I didn't know it was
a handicap space, OK?
291
00:12:01,789 --> 00:12:03,056
Oh, what?
292
00:12:03,156 --> 00:12:05,225
That little glow-in-the-dark
wheelchair didn't tip you off?
293
00:12:08,161 --> 00:12:09,930
Mom, look.
294
00:12:10,030 --> 00:12:14,401
Oh, man, it's your
very first ticket.
295
00:12:14,501 --> 00:12:16,003
It's just beautiful.
296
00:12:16,103 --> 00:12:17,470
I'm gonna put it up
here on the fridge
297
00:12:17,570 --> 00:12:20,607
next to DJ's finger-painting.
298
00:12:20,707 --> 00:12:22,976
What am I gonna do?
299
00:12:23,076 --> 00:12:24,444
Pay it.
300
00:12:24,544 --> 00:12:26,847
How about if I say it
blew off the car window?
301
00:12:26,947 --> 00:12:28,381
Yeah, that's a good one.
302
00:12:28,481 --> 00:12:30,183
Yeah, I think the
judge will go for that.
303
00:12:30,283 --> 00:12:32,986
Maybe it's like his
first minute on the job.
304
00:12:33,086 --> 00:12:33,921
[door slams]
305
00:12:34,922 --> 00:12:35,755
Hi, Mom.
306
00:12:35,856 --> 00:12:39,326
Todd cut his arm.
- Aw, geez.
307
00:12:39,426 --> 00:12:40,794
Darlene, get me a Band-Aid.
308
00:12:40,894 --> 00:12:42,529
What happened?
309
00:12:42,629 --> 00:12:43,730
We were playing
down where they're
310
00:12:43,831 --> 00:12:46,066
building the new supermarket.
311
00:12:46,166 --> 00:12:47,500
I told you not
to go down there.
312
00:12:47,600 --> 00:12:48,601
You could get hurt.
313
00:12:48,701 --> 00:12:50,838
I didn't.
314
00:12:50,938 --> 00:12:51,805
Oh, man.
315
00:12:51,905 --> 00:12:55,442
Well, that's the
beauty there, Todd.
316
00:12:55,542 --> 00:12:56,844
There you go.
317
00:12:56,944 --> 00:13:00,347
You better go home and show
it to your mom, now, OK?
318
00:13:00,447 --> 00:13:03,316
And tell her to dress you real
warm for the campout tonight.
319
00:13:03,416 --> 00:13:05,185
Bye.
320
00:13:05,285 --> 00:13:07,720
See you tonight.
- Where you going?
321
00:13:07,821 --> 00:13:09,222
I'm not done yelling at you yet.
322
00:13:09,322 --> 00:13:10,123
Hey.
323
00:13:12,893 --> 00:13:14,461
I told you you're not
supposed to go down
324
00:13:14,561 --> 00:13:16,229
to construction sites to play.
325
00:13:16,329 --> 00:13:18,832
It's dangerous and
you could get hurt.
326
00:13:18,932 --> 00:13:20,233
But Todd's never
been to one before.
327
00:13:20,333 --> 00:13:21,568
I don't care.
328
00:13:21,668 --> 00:13:23,270
That's what I told you and
that's what I want you to do.
329
00:13:23,370 --> 00:13:24,171
OK.
330
00:13:24,271 --> 00:13:25,405
I'm sorry.
331
00:13:25,505 --> 00:13:26,306
OK.
332
00:13:26,406 --> 00:13:28,541
Go on upstairs.
333
00:13:28,641 --> 00:13:30,143
Darlene, I was
driving you to the mall,
334
00:13:30,243 --> 00:13:32,145
so you should pay
half the ticket.
335
00:13:32,245 --> 00:13:33,546
That's 25 bucks.
336
00:13:33,646 --> 00:13:35,548
[sigh] OK, $15.
337
00:13:35,648 --> 00:13:36,516
$10.
338
00:13:36,616 --> 00:13:37,584
$12.50.
339
00:13:37,684 --> 00:13:41,188
Mm, nah, you pay
the whole thing.
340
00:13:41,288 --> 00:13:42,155
[doorbell rings]
341
00:13:51,031 --> 00:13:52,632
Oh, hi, Kathy.
342
00:13:52,732 --> 00:13:55,402
I was just cleaning
up a little bit.
343
00:13:55,502 --> 00:13:58,205
Todd told me that
he cut his arm at--
344
00:13:58,305 --> 00:14:00,573
at some construction site.
345
00:14:00,673 --> 00:14:02,109
Did you know they were there?
346
00:14:02,209 --> 00:14:03,810
Oh, yeah, they just told me.
347
00:14:03,911 --> 00:14:06,779
[gasp] Roseanne, I left
him here assuming that
348
00:14:06,880 --> 00:14:09,282
you would keep an eye on him.
349
00:14:09,382 --> 00:14:10,617
They took off on their bikes.
350
00:14:10,717 --> 00:14:13,086
And you allow your son to
just leave whenever he wants?
351
00:14:13,186 --> 00:14:15,989
Yeah, I encourage it.
352
00:14:16,089 --> 00:14:16,990
I don't know, Roseanne.
353
00:14:17,090 --> 00:14:17,925
I don't know.
354
00:14:18,025 --> 00:14:19,492
When my son takes
off on his bike,
355
00:14:19,592 --> 00:14:20,894
I like to ask him
where he's going.
356
00:14:20,994 --> 00:14:23,196
And if he tells me it's a place
with-- with broken glass and,
357
00:14:23,296 --> 00:14:27,000
and, and little pieces
of metal, I say no.
358
00:14:27,100 --> 00:14:28,068
Well, I just don't believe it.
359
00:14:28,168 --> 00:14:29,736
You're finally coming
over here, but it's
360
00:14:29,836 --> 00:14:32,205
just to tell me that you're
a better mom than I am.
361
00:14:32,305 --> 00:14:36,076
I always know where
my son is, Roseanne.
362
00:14:36,176 --> 00:14:38,311
Well, I've got
three kids and a job
363
00:14:38,411 --> 00:14:39,779
and I can't be everywhere, OK?
364
00:14:39,879 --> 00:14:42,682
So I've gotta trust my kids,
and they're still alive, so I've
365
00:14:42,782 --> 00:14:44,684
obviously done something right.
366
00:14:44,784 --> 00:14:47,687
So now you're a better mother
because you have more children?
367
00:14:47,787 --> 00:14:48,721
Yes.
368
00:14:48,821 --> 00:14:50,457
I have three and
you only have one.
369
00:14:50,557 --> 00:14:51,858
Three-to-one, get it?
I have three.
370
00:14:51,959 --> 00:14:52,759
I win.
371
00:14:58,098 --> 00:14:59,499
Oh, please.
372
00:14:59,599 --> 00:15:02,035
Oh, you probably still sneak
into Todd's room at night
373
00:15:02,135 --> 00:15:03,236
and check if he's breathing.
- Yes.
374
00:15:03,336 --> 00:15:04,137
Amateur.
375
00:15:07,407 --> 00:15:09,542
My son could have been
seriously injured today,
376
00:15:09,642 --> 00:15:10,877
Roseanne.
377
00:15:10,978 --> 00:15:13,013
Hey, we're talking about
eight-year-old boys here, OK?
378
00:15:13,113 --> 00:15:14,547
Now, if you're going to
blame me for everything
379
00:15:14,647 --> 00:15:17,017
they do that you don't
like, then just don't
380
00:15:17,117 --> 00:15:18,751
send Todd over here anymore.
381
00:15:18,851 --> 00:15:20,020
That is exactly
what I had in mind.
382
00:15:20,120 --> 00:15:21,088
Oh, yeah?
383
00:15:21,188 --> 00:15:22,522
Well, I'm gonna go
you one better, Kathy.
384
00:15:22,622 --> 00:15:24,491
I'm not sending DJ over
to your house, either,
385
00:15:24,591 --> 00:15:27,427
because I don't need him
picking up any of your attitude.
386
00:15:27,527 --> 00:15:32,399
Oh, and just exactly
what attitude is that?
387
00:15:32,499 --> 00:15:34,867
(IMITATING KATHY'S VOICE)
That one right there.
388
00:15:34,968 --> 00:15:36,703
(NORMAL VOICE) You know, the
one where you think you're
389
00:15:36,803 --> 00:15:38,338
too damn good to
live next door to me.
390
00:15:38,438 --> 00:15:39,739
Well, you're not.
391
00:15:39,839 --> 00:15:42,475
You're just some stressed-out
overprotective snob who
392
00:15:42,575 --> 00:15:43,876
paid way too much for a house.
393
00:15:48,615 --> 00:15:49,716
And how do you know how much--
394
00:15:49,816 --> 00:15:52,919
Everybody knows.
395
00:15:53,020 --> 00:15:54,054
Look, just forget
it, Roseanne.
396
00:15:54,154 --> 00:15:55,155
Forget it.
397
00:15:55,255 --> 00:15:56,423
I don't know why I am
even talking to you.
398
00:15:56,523 --> 00:15:57,324
Well, you're not.
399
00:15:57,424 --> 00:15:58,258
[slam]
400
00:16:01,261 --> 00:16:03,530
[music playing]
401
00:16:08,435 --> 00:16:11,904
DAN: Police knew the
killer was insane.
402
00:16:12,005 --> 00:16:17,177
At night he would stalk
poor, unsuspecting campers.
403
00:16:17,277 --> 00:16:22,682
And as he would creep up upon
their tents, he would whistle.
404
00:16:22,782 --> 00:16:25,152
[spooky whistling]
405
00:16:30,657 --> 00:16:35,895
And then he'd hack 'em
to pieces with a machete.
406
00:16:35,995 --> 00:16:36,829
Can I have a machete?
407
00:16:36,929 --> 00:16:38,931
No.
408
00:16:39,032 --> 00:16:41,701
Well, did they ever catch him?
409
00:16:41,801 --> 00:16:43,170
Yeah, once.
410
00:16:43,270 --> 00:16:45,572
They handcuffed
him, but he hacked
411
00:16:45,672 --> 00:16:48,341
off his own hand to escape.
412
00:16:48,441 --> 00:16:54,514
And now he has a hook which
he uses to kill his victims
413
00:16:54,614 --> 00:16:58,051
and drag their lifeless corpses
along the bloody ground.
414
00:17:01,954 --> 00:17:03,290
What happened to the machete?
415
00:17:03,390 --> 00:17:06,426
You can't have one.
416
00:17:06,526 --> 00:17:10,863
Anyway, he was last
spotted here in Lanford.
417
00:17:10,963 --> 00:17:12,099
Police have been
searching for days--
418
00:17:12,199 --> 00:17:13,900
THE HOOK: [breathy whistling]
- What was that?
419
00:17:14,000 --> 00:17:14,801
What?
420
00:17:14,901 --> 00:17:17,003
[gasp] The whistling killer.
421
00:17:17,104 --> 00:17:19,606
Don't make a sound,
we'll be safe in here.
422
00:17:19,706 --> 00:17:20,540
THE HOOK: [scream]
423
00:17:20,640 --> 00:17:23,376
DAN: [screaming] It's The Hook!
424
00:17:23,476 --> 00:17:24,477
Mom, I thought
you were supposed
425
00:17:24,577 --> 00:17:26,579
to bring us something to eat.
426
00:17:30,150 --> 00:17:32,985
THE HOOK: Aargh!
427
00:17:33,086 --> 00:17:34,954
Thanks.
428
00:17:35,054 --> 00:17:36,523
Did we scare you, DJ?
429
00:17:36,623 --> 00:17:37,757
Yeah.
430
00:17:37,857 --> 00:17:40,927
He was just scared you were
gonna hurt the hook guy.
431
00:17:41,027 --> 00:17:42,529
- Well, carry on.
- All right.
432
00:17:42,629 --> 00:17:43,830
Where was I?
433
00:17:43,930 --> 00:17:46,766
I still don't get why Todd
couldn't be here tonight.
434
00:17:46,866 --> 00:17:48,668
DAN: Well, I'm here and
we're having fun, aren't we?
435
00:17:48,768 --> 00:17:50,637
Yeah, but he's my best friend.
436
00:17:50,737 --> 00:17:53,606
Well, you guys got
in trouble together.
437
00:17:53,706 --> 00:17:55,775
DJ: So, when can we
play together again?
438
00:17:55,875 --> 00:17:58,077
DAN: Well, when you can
prove you won't do it again.
439
00:17:58,178 --> 00:18:00,113
How can we do that if we
can't even play together?
440
00:18:00,213 --> 00:18:01,448
[sigh] Aw, hang on
a minute, will ya?
441
00:18:04,884 --> 00:18:07,787
You're here.
442
00:18:07,887 --> 00:18:10,657
Yeah, and I heard.
443
00:18:10,757 --> 00:18:12,058
Rosie?
444
00:18:12,159 --> 00:18:13,426
Well, Dan, if I go
over there, you know,
445
00:18:13,526 --> 00:18:15,362
that's gonna be like admitting
I was wrong, you know,
446
00:18:15,462 --> 00:18:17,397
and I wasn't wrong.
447
00:18:17,497 --> 00:18:18,431
Do it for the kids.
448
00:18:18,531 --> 00:18:21,033
Oh, cut the
telethon crap, Dan.
449
00:18:24,404 --> 00:18:27,540
Geez, I have to go over
there and eat crow?
450
00:18:27,640 --> 00:18:28,708
You'll be the better person.
451
00:18:31,644 --> 00:18:33,045
Oh, all right.
452
00:18:33,146 --> 00:18:34,814
Well, tell him another story.
I'll be right back.
453
00:18:34,914 --> 00:18:35,715
DAN: All right.
454
00:18:38,618 --> 00:18:41,053
Did I ever tell you about the
killer who carried his own head
455
00:18:41,154 --> 00:18:41,988
around in a bowling bag?
456
00:18:42,088 --> 00:18:42,889
No.
457
00:18:48,695 --> 00:18:49,796
I'm a better person.
458
00:18:49,896 --> 00:18:50,830
I'm a better person.
459
00:18:50,930 --> 00:18:52,765
I'm a better person.
460
00:18:52,865 --> 00:18:53,666
Well, if I don't kill her.
461
00:19:01,608 --> 00:19:03,543
Roseanne.
462
00:19:03,643 --> 00:19:04,877
Hi.
463
00:19:04,977 --> 00:19:09,849
Um, I came to invite
Todd to DJ's campout.
464
00:19:09,949 --> 00:19:13,085
Well, I don't know.
465
00:19:13,186 --> 00:19:17,757
Well, I'm sure that we both
said things that we regret.
466
00:19:17,857 --> 00:19:19,626
I, uh--
467
00:19:19,726 --> 00:19:20,860
I meant what I said.
468
00:19:24,764 --> 00:19:25,632
OK.
469
00:19:25,732 --> 00:19:31,271
Uh, I regret what I said, OK?
470
00:19:31,371 --> 00:19:36,876
Uh, like, DJ really likes Todd.
471
00:19:36,976 --> 00:19:41,381
And to be quite frank, DJ
doesn't have that many friends.
472
00:19:41,481 --> 00:19:44,684
Well, maybe that has something
to do with the attitude
473
00:19:44,784 --> 00:19:46,686
with which he was raised.
474
00:19:46,786 --> 00:19:48,020
[deep inhale]
475
00:19:50,357 --> 00:19:52,725
Well, now, that's
something to chew on.
476
00:19:57,096 --> 00:20:00,933
So, can Todd come?
477
00:20:01,033 --> 00:20:03,536
Roseanne, I just
wish I could be sure
478
00:20:03,636 --> 00:20:05,438
that when Todd is
over there, he is
479
00:20:05,538 --> 00:20:08,241
receiving the same
kind of supervision he
480
00:20:08,341 --> 00:20:09,809
would be getting here at home.
481
00:20:09,909 --> 00:20:10,943
OK, hey.
482
00:20:11,043 --> 00:20:13,580
I personally guarantee
his safe return.
483
00:20:17,016 --> 00:20:22,054
Well, [sigh] as long as you're
admitting that you are wrong.
484
00:20:31,431 --> 00:20:32,231
Fine.
485
00:20:36,769 --> 00:20:38,405
OK.
486
00:20:38,505 --> 00:20:41,173
I'll just see if
Todd wants to go.
487
00:20:41,274 --> 00:20:42,542
Todd--
488
00:20:42,642 --> 00:20:45,378
Bye!
489
00:20:45,478 --> 00:20:46,313
[door slams]
490
00:20:47,647 --> 00:20:49,582
Well, you know, Kathy,
just because we're neighbors
491
00:20:49,682 --> 00:20:51,418
doesn't mean we have
to like each other.
492
00:20:51,518 --> 00:20:53,320
No, we don't.
493
00:20:53,420 --> 00:20:55,355
- We don't even have to pretend.
- No, I know.
494
00:20:55,455 --> 00:20:58,325
But, you know, we shouldn't
take it out on the kids.
495
00:21:01,127 --> 00:21:02,495
Fine.
496
00:21:02,595 --> 00:21:03,396
OK.
497
00:21:06,833 --> 00:21:09,702
Good night, Roseanne.
498
00:21:09,802 --> 00:21:11,037
Good night, needle-butt.
499
00:21:13,840 --> 00:21:15,241
[blues music]
500
00:21:23,750 --> 00:21:25,151
[chamber music]
501
00:21:31,257 --> 00:21:32,659
[blues music]
502
00:21:41,133 --> 00:21:43,803
[chamber music]
503
00:21:43,853 --> 00:21:48,403
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