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1
00:00:00,668 --> 00:00:02,270
[sound effect playing]
2
00:00:03,871 --> 00:00:06,274
[theme music]
3
00:00:49,683 --> 00:00:52,086
[laughing]
4
00:00:52,186 --> 00:00:54,054
[music playing]
5
00:00:54,155 --> 00:00:56,257
[inaudible] possible straight.
6
00:00:56,357 --> 00:00:59,260
Another duck for
[inaudible] zippo,
7
00:00:59,360 --> 00:01:02,563
and shinola for the dealer.
8
00:01:02,663 --> 00:01:04,198
That's to you Palidin.
9
00:01:04,298 --> 00:01:05,999
Two-bits.
10
00:01:06,100 --> 00:01:07,535
[belching]
11
00:01:07,635 --> 00:01:08,936
Beautiful!
[applause]
12
00:01:09,036 --> 00:01:09,903
Again, again.
13
00:01:10,003 --> 00:01:11,639
Judges, get a
drum or something.
14
00:01:11,739 --> 00:01:12,540
Five.
15
00:01:12,640 --> 00:01:13,507
Thank you.
16
00:01:13,607 --> 00:01:15,176
He's fired from
the communist judge.
17
00:01:15,276 --> 00:01:16,277
OK.
18
00:01:16,377 --> 00:01:18,045
Did I tell you guys
about my cousin Leon?
19
00:01:18,146 --> 00:01:19,547
Eh, how's Leon doing?
20
00:01:19,647 --> 00:01:21,715
He bought these two mail
order brides through a catalog.
21
00:01:21,815 --> 00:01:22,950
- Catalog?
- Yep.
22
00:01:23,050 --> 00:01:25,153
And UPS delivered them right
to his door buck naked.
23
00:01:25,253 --> 00:01:26,053
[laughing]
24
00:01:26,154 --> 00:01:27,621
- Get out out of town.
- Yeah.
25
00:01:27,721 --> 00:01:28,889
They both look like
Michelle Pfeiffer,
26
00:01:28,989 --> 00:01:31,091
except they had
really big heads.
27
00:01:31,192 --> 00:01:32,059
Ooh.
28
00:01:32,160 --> 00:01:33,127
OK.
29
00:01:33,227 --> 00:01:35,329
Who wants to chip in
for Arnie's therapy?
30
00:01:35,429 --> 00:01:36,330
[interposing voices]
31
00:01:36,430 --> 00:01:37,331
Here you go.
32
00:01:37,431 --> 00:01:38,666
OK.
33
00:01:38,766 --> 00:01:40,934
Now, I told you about me dating
that belly dancer, right?
34
00:01:41,034 --> 00:01:42,303
Oh, listen to this.
Listen to this.
35
00:01:42,403 --> 00:01:43,171
His story?
All right.
36
00:01:43,271 --> 00:01:44,138
All right.
37
00:01:44,238 --> 00:01:45,072
This chick had
such muscle control
38
00:01:45,173 --> 00:01:46,207
that she could pick up a--
39
00:01:46,307 --> 00:01:47,107
[clearing throat]
40
00:01:47,208 --> 00:01:48,041
Hey, honey.
41
00:01:48,142 --> 00:01:48,942
[interposing voices]
42
00:01:49,042 --> 00:01:49,943
[laughing]
43
00:01:50,043 --> 00:01:50,844
Hey
44
00:01:50,944 --> 00:01:51,745
Hey
45
00:01:51,845 --> 00:01:52,680
Can I [inaudible]?
46
00:01:52,780 --> 00:01:56,184
Well, hey, go
knock yourself out.
47
00:01:56,284 --> 00:01:58,386
So what were y'all saying?
48
00:01:58,486 --> 00:02:00,888
Oh Yeah, I, uh--
49
00:02:00,988 --> 00:02:03,891
yeah, you could use a
crosscut saw on that.
50
00:02:03,991 --> 00:02:07,328
But I'd use a hand saw myself,
because it's a lot easier.
51
00:02:07,428 --> 00:02:08,629
I've always held a band saw.
I'm a band saw man.
52
00:02:08,729 --> 00:02:09,897
Well, you know,
I was going to say,
53
00:02:09,997 --> 00:02:10,864
you look like a band saw man.
54
00:02:10,964 --> 00:02:12,933
Hey, you better
use your coasters.
55
00:02:13,033 --> 00:02:13,834
Ha!
56
00:02:13,934 --> 00:02:15,503
Made you look.
57
00:02:15,603 --> 00:02:17,271
[laughing]
58
00:02:17,371 --> 00:02:18,339
Power tools.
59
00:02:18,439 --> 00:02:19,840
You know, that's
their little code
60
00:02:19,940 --> 00:02:22,943
for fallopians approaching.
61
00:02:23,043 --> 00:02:25,479
We don't know what goes on the
minute we're out of that room.
62
00:02:25,579 --> 00:02:26,680
That's right.
63
00:02:26,780 --> 00:02:28,115
Well, you know, they talk
about their first time,
64
00:02:28,216 --> 00:02:30,318
and their last time,
and how many times,
65
00:02:30,418 --> 00:02:32,553
and they multiply it
all by about five,
66
00:02:32,653 --> 00:02:34,688
and then they spit at
each other, and go home.
67
00:02:34,788 --> 00:02:36,557
I don't know why they do that.
68
00:02:36,657 --> 00:02:37,525
I don't know.
69
00:02:37,625 --> 00:02:38,959
We're talking about
the only animal
70
00:02:39,059 --> 00:02:42,930
on earth that would wear black
socks with Bermuda shorts.
71
00:02:43,030 --> 00:02:46,467
Now (SILLY VOICE) we
put on our little ears.
72
00:02:46,567 --> 00:02:48,902
Roseanne, do I
have to do this,
73
00:02:49,002 --> 00:02:53,507
because you needs a
Halloween "tostume."
74
00:02:53,607 --> 00:02:56,344
I don't want to go
to Dan's stupid lodge,
75
00:02:56,444 --> 00:02:58,646
stupid haunted house thing.
76
00:02:58,746 --> 00:03:01,649
- But it's for charity.
- I know.
77
00:03:01,749 --> 00:03:03,917
But it's no fun having
some 60-year-old guy
78
00:03:04,017 --> 00:03:06,554
with a pot belly jumping out
at me saying, ooga-booga.
79
00:03:06,654 --> 00:03:09,089
It was scary when I was eight.
80
00:03:09,189 --> 00:03:11,525
It's even scarier now.
81
00:03:11,625 --> 00:03:14,262
But I want to see you
get out there again.
82
00:03:14,362 --> 00:03:17,265
Look, I just broke up
with Gary, I'm depressed.
83
00:03:17,365 --> 00:03:19,633
I'm tired and miserable.
84
00:03:19,733 --> 00:03:20,601
[gasping]
85
00:03:20,701 --> 00:03:23,404
I look so cute.
86
00:03:23,504 --> 00:03:25,439
(WITCH VOICE) I'll
get you my pretty.
87
00:03:25,539 --> 00:03:26,340
Hey!
88
00:03:26,440 --> 00:03:27,841
You look great.
89
00:03:27,941 --> 00:03:30,278
So scary.
90
00:03:30,378 --> 00:03:31,679
I need a broom.
91
00:03:31,779 --> 00:03:32,646
It's in the kitchen.
92
00:03:35,583 --> 00:03:37,117
Hey, hey, hey.
93
00:03:37,217 --> 00:03:38,752
Hey look everybody, DJ's witch.
94
00:03:38,852 --> 00:03:40,020
Woo, woo.
95
00:03:40,120 --> 00:03:42,222
Why don't you fly upstairs
and put on your PJs, huh?
96
00:03:42,323 --> 00:03:43,391
I can't fly without a broom.
97
00:03:43,491 --> 00:03:44,592
Sure you can.
Look.
98
00:03:44,692 --> 00:03:45,493
Whoo!
99
00:03:45,593 --> 00:03:46,460
There you go.
100
00:03:46,560 --> 00:03:48,562
But up in minute, champ.
101
00:03:48,662 --> 00:03:49,530
What?
102
00:03:49,630 --> 00:03:50,698
Two daughters isn't
enough for you.
103
00:03:50,798 --> 00:03:52,666
What are you talking about?
104
00:03:52,766 --> 00:03:56,069
He's dressed like a witch.
105
00:03:56,169 --> 00:03:57,137
Witches are girls.
106
00:03:57,237 --> 00:03:59,006
This is the 90s, Dan.
107
00:03:59,106 --> 00:04:00,974
Witches are women.
108
00:04:01,074 --> 00:04:02,943
I can't let him do this.
109
00:04:03,043 --> 00:04:05,679
He got to pick his own
costume, that's what he chose.
110
00:04:05,779 --> 00:04:07,381
Why couldn't he pick
up something normal,
111
00:04:07,481 --> 00:04:10,284
like a vampire, or
a nice axe murderer?
112
00:04:10,384 --> 00:04:11,919
Like, um, Lizzie Borden?
113
00:04:12,019 --> 00:04:13,086
There's plenty
other ax murderers
114
00:04:13,186 --> 00:04:14,322
in the world, Roseanne.
115
00:04:14,422 --> 00:04:15,689
Oh, yeah, I get it.
116
00:04:15,789 --> 00:04:19,460
You want him to be a manly,
feral, stud of an axe murderer.
117
00:04:19,560 --> 00:04:24,298
There's no little sissy axe
murderer for Dan Conner's boy.
118
00:04:24,398 --> 00:04:26,099
Boys shouldn't
dress up like girls.
119
00:04:26,199 --> 00:04:27,568
Now, Darlene dressed
up like a pirate
120
00:04:27,668 --> 00:04:28,569
for three years in a row.
121
00:04:28,669 --> 00:04:29,670
That was cute.
122
00:04:29,770 --> 00:04:30,938
If he goes out like
this, he's going to come
123
00:04:31,038 --> 00:04:32,239
home with a bloody nose.
124
00:04:32,340 --> 00:04:35,376
That is stupid.
125
00:04:35,476 --> 00:04:36,677
I've got to get back in there.
126
00:04:36,777 --> 00:04:38,379
Would you please talk to him.
127
00:04:38,479 --> 00:04:39,747
DJ!
128
00:04:39,847 --> 00:04:42,883
Instead of a witch, you want
to dress up like Madonna?
129
00:04:46,153 --> 00:04:48,021
I did my best.
130
00:04:48,121 --> 00:04:48,989
[laughing]
131
00:04:49,089 --> 00:04:51,425
[music playing]
132
00:04:53,561 --> 00:04:54,328
Yeah.
133
00:04:54,428 --> 00:04:56,330
Hi, Mom.
134
00:04:56,430 --> 00:04:57,998
Yeah?
135
00:04:58,098 --> 00:05:01,635
Well, so how long
you going to be?
136
00:05:01,735 --> 00:05:04,104
[laughing]
137
00:05:07,307 --> 00:05:08,409
OK.
Yeah.
138
00:05:08,509 --> 00:05:09,710
I'll tell him.
OK.
139
00:05:09,810 --> 00:05:10,611
Bye.
140
00:05:13,481 --> 00:05:14,314
Dad!
141
00:05:14,415 --> 00:05:15,916
Mom's still at work.
142
00:05:16,016 --> 00:05:17,785
She says she and Aunt
Jackie will meet us there.
143
00:05:17,885 --> 00:05:18,686
OK.
144
00:05:18,786 --> 00:05:20,253
I'll be right out.
145
00:05:20,354 --> 00:05:21,655
Darlene, you're
not even ready.
146
00:05:21,755 --> 00:05:23,524
We're going to be
leaving any minute.
147
00:05:23,624 --> 00:05:25,359
I don't feel so good.
148
00:05:25,459 --> 00:05:27,260
Well, what's wrong?
149
00:05:27,361 --> 00:05:28,496
It's my stomach.
150
00:05:28,596 --> 00:05:29,397
Oh!
151
00:05:29,497 --> 00:05:30,864
Oh my god!
152
00:05:30,964 --> 00:05:32,866
[screaming]
153
00:05:34,435 --> 00:05:36,404
[crying]
154
00:05:37,405 --> 00:05:38,271
So what do you want?
155
00:05:38,372 --> 00:05:40,340
Some Pepto Bismol, or something?
156
00:05:40,441 --> 00:05:42,776
[laughing]
157
00:05:43,411 --> 00:05:44,211
OK.
158
00:05:44,311 --> 00:05:45,679
Let's get going.
159
00:05:52,119 --> 00:05:53,153
Where's DJ?
160
00:05:53,253 --> 00:05:55,889
We'll get him.
161
00:05:55,989 --> 00:05:58,992
You don't look
half bad, toot.s
162
00:05:59,092 --> 00:06:01,395
Thank you.
163
00:06:01,495 --> 00:06:04,097
Listen, I was supposed to remind
you to bring the brownies.
164
00:06:04,197 --> 00:06:06,066
You hear that lamebrain,
you forgot the brownies.
165
00:06:06,166 --> 00:06:07,334
Boink.
Ow.
166
00:06:07,435 --> 00:06:08,168
Ow.
Ow.
167
00:06:08,268 --> 00:06:09,637
Hey, leave him alone.
168
00:06:09,737 --> 00:06:10,771
Wise guy, eh?
169
00:06:10,871 --> 00:06:11,739
Yeah.
170
00:06:11,839 --> 00:06:14,374
Woo, woo, woo,
woo, woo, woo, woo!
171
00:06:14,475 --> 00:06:16,076
All right, knock it off.
172
00:06:16,176 --> 00:06:18,011
[imitating smacking]
173
00:06:18,111 --> 00:06:20,448
[laughing]
174
00:06:23,984 --> 00:06:25,619
I'll get the brownies.
175
00:06:25,719 --> 00:06:28,121
[high pitched humming]
176
00:06:29,122 --> 00:06:30,591
Hey, hey, hey.
177
00:06:30,691 --> 00:06:31,692
What's this?
178
00:06:31,792 --> 00:06:32,626
It's DJ.
179
00:06:32,726 --> 00:06:34,628
Uh, yeah, I
thought you changed
180
00:06:34,728 --> 00:06:35,729
your mind about being a witch.
181
00:06:35,829 --> 00:06:37,030
No.
182
00:06:37,130 --> 00:06:38,198
Well, look, I've
been thinking,
183
00:06:38,298 --> 00:06:39,700
you know, the costume's
great and everything.
184
00:06:39,800 --> 00:06:42,736
Why not just say
you're a warlock.
185
00:06:42,836 --> 00:06:44,371
What's a warlock?
186
00:06:44,472 --> 00:06:46,039
It's a guy witch.
187
00:06:46,139 --> 00:06:47,140
- OK.
- Yeah.
188
00:06:47,240 --> 00:06:48,909
So let's get rid
of the broom here.
189
00:06:49,009 --> 00:06:49,843
Why?
190
00:06:49,943 --> 00:06:52,212
Warlocks don't have brooms.
191
00:06:52,312 --> 00:06:53,514
Well, then I
want to be a witch.
192
00:06:53,614 --> 00:06:55,248
No, no, no you don't, DJ.
193
00:06:55,348 --> 00:06:58,452
You see, witches are girls.
194
00:06:58,552 --> 00:07:00,387
Warlocks are guys.
195
00:07:00,488 --> 00:07:01,655
They can do anything
a witch can do.
196
00:07:01,755 --> 00:07:02,956
They can turn people into frogs.
197
00:07:03,056 --> 00:07:04,291
They make thunder and lightning.
198
00:07:04,391 --> 00:07:05,493
They can grant wishes.
199
00:07:05,593 --> 00:07:06,460
(EVIL VOICE) That's
a fairy godmother.
200
00:07:06,560 --> 00:07:07,360
Rawr.
201
00:07:09,262 --> 00:07:10,764
You're not helping.
202
00:07:10,864 --> 00:07:11,665
OK.
203
00:07:11,765 --> 00:07:12,866
Look, uh-- Oh!
204
00:07:12,966 --> 00:07:13,767
Hey!
205
00:07:13,867 --> 00:07:14,668
Look!
206
00:07:14,768 --> 00:07:15,769
[gasping]
207
00:07:15,869 --> 00:07:17,605
It's a magic wand.
208
00:07:17,705 --> 00:07:19,907
You take this and tell
people you're a wizard.
209
00:07:20,007 --> 00:07:20,874
I don't want it.
210
00:07:20,974 --> 00:07:22,576
I don't want anything.
211
00:07:22,676 --> 00:07:23,511
All right.
212
00:07:23,611 --> 00:07:24,411
Let's go.
213
00:07:28,381 --> 00:07:29,216
[banging]
214
00:07:29,316 --> 00:07:31,118
[laughing]
215
00:07:31,218 --> 00:07:33,687
Spread out! (FUNNY
VOICE) Certainly!
216
00:07:33,787 --> 00:07:35,155
[high pitched humming]
217
00:07:35,255 --> 00:07:37,558
[music playing]
218
00:07:43,396 --> 00:07:44,297
Come on, Roseanne.
219
00:07:44,397 --> 00:07:45,699
It's freezing outside.
ROSEANNE: No.
220
00:07:45,799 --> 00:07:47,300
I'm not going in there
dressed like this.
221
00:07:47,400 --> 00:07:48,802
Roseanne, you're
being ridiculous.
222
00:07:48,902 --> 00:07:50,971
Well, you took off
your nose and your ears.
223
00:07:51,071 --> 00:07:53,306
Well, you take
off your costume.
224
00:07:53,406 --> 00:07:54,908
No, I'll never get it back on.
225
00:07:55,008 --> 00:07:56,009
Just get in here.
226
00:07:56,109 --> 00:07:57,845
You look adorable.
227
00:07:57,945 --> 00:07:59,079
You really think so?
228
00:07:59,179 --> 00:08:02,015
Get in here.
229
00:08:02,115 --> 00:08:04,384
[laughing]
230
00:08:05,653 --> 00:08:06,453
Oh.
231
00:08:06,554 --> 00:08:07,921
I left my purse in the car.
232
00:08:08,021 --> 00:08:09,156
No!
233
00:08:09,256 --> 00:08:12,259
Look, you call Dan, and
we-- we can get out of here.
234
00:08:19,266 --> 00:08:20,367
I feel like I'm
having one of them
235
00:08:20,467 --> 00:08:21,702
dreams where you go
to school and you're
236
00:08:21,802 --> 00:08:23,671
only wearing your underwear.
237
00:08:23,771 --> 00:08:25,739
Roseanne, come
on, it's Halloween.
238
00:08:25,839 --> 00:08:26,974
What's the big deal?
239
00:08:27,074 --> 00:08:28,441
Because I'm the only
person in here in a costume.
240
00:08:32,546 --> 00:08:33,346
Hello?
241
00:08:33,446 --> 00:08:34,247
Who is this?
242
00:08:34,347 --> 00:08:35,783
Eddy?
243
00:08:35,883 --> 00:08:37,785
Oh, Arnie.
244
00:08:37,885 --> 00:08:40,754
Listen, is Dan around?
245
00:08:40,854 --> 00:08:42,122
Well, could you go
find him and tell him
246
00:08:42,222 --> 00:08:43,691
that the car broke
down on me and Jackie
247
00:08:43,791 --> 00:08:44,758
are stuck here at The Low Boy?
248
00:08:44,858 --> 00:08:46,026
He has to come and pick us up.
249
00:08:46,126 --> 00:08:48,562
And tell him to hurry it up.
250
00:08:48,662 --> 00:08:52,566
Trick or treat to
you too, Arnie.
251
00:08:52,666 --> 00:08:53,967
This is going to be a while.
We should wait in the car.
252
00:08:54,067 --> 00:08:54,868
No.
253
00:08:54,968 --> 00:08:55,836
It's freezing outside.
254
00:08:55,936 --> 00:08:56,870
Come on.
255
00:08:56,970 --> 00:08:58,005
I'll buy-- buy you a drink.
[sighing]
256
00:08:58,105 --> 00:08:58,906
OK.
257
00:09:03,276 --> 00:09:05,078
Little help?
258
00:09:05,178 --> 00:09:06,479
Yeah, what can I get
for you sweetheart.
259
00:09:06,580 --> 00:09:07,681
- I'll have a white wine.
- OK.
260
00:09:07,781 --> 00:09:08,582
What about you, fella?
261
00:09:12,853 --> 00:09:13,821
Come on, pal.
262
00:09:13,921 --> 00:09:14,722
I'm busy here.
263
00:09:14,822 --> 00:09:16,556
What are you drinking?
264
00:09:16,657 --> 00:09:18,358
Uh, give me a beer.
265
00:09:18,458 --> 00:09:19,727
[laughing]
266
00:09:19,827 --> 00:09:22,029
[music playing]
267
00:09:24,464 --> 00:09:25,833
Roseanne, don't do this.
268
00:09:25,933 --> 00:09:28,035
You're just going to
embarrass both of us.
269
00:09:28,135 --> 00:09:30,938
Call me Bob.
270
00:09:31,038 --> 00:09:36,343
White wine for the lady,
and a beer for you, pal.
271
00:09:36,443 --> 00:09:38,612
So how's the action in here.
272
00:09:41,749 --> 00:09:42,549
Action?
273
00:09:46,887 --> 00:09:47,688
Chicks.
274
00:09:50,624 --> 00:09:51,424
I--I don't know, fella.
275
00:09:51,524 --> 00:09:52,425
It's Tuesday night.
276
00:09:52,525 --> 00:09:54,061
Ladies bowling league
comes in at ten.
277
00:09:54,161 --> 00:09:55,996
10 o'clock, huh?
278
00:09:56,096 --> 00:09:59,099
Good thing I brought my
little squeezebox with me.
279
00:09:59,199 --> 00:10:03,904
Oh, oh, you're such a pig.
280
00:10:04,004 --> 00:10:09,242
Yeah, but that's why you
like me, right, honey bun?
281
00:10:09,342 --> 00:10:11,011
That'll be $4.
282
00:10:11,111 --> 00:10:12,112
Pay the man, doll.
283
00:10:15,182 --> 00:10:16,516
Well, why should I pay?
284
00:10:16,616 --> 00:10:18,385
You're the man, you pay.
285
00:10:18,485 --> 00:10:22,055
You know I left
my purse in the car.
286
00:10:22,155 --> 00:10:26,259
Oh, all right, I'll
pay for you again.
287
00:10:26,359 --> 00:10:28,829
I don't know why I always am
attracted to these losers.
288
00:10:30,798 --> 00:10:31,631
Gee.
289
00:10:31,732 --> 00:10:33,333
It must be her
time of the month.
290
00:10:38,038 --> 00:10:39,306
Now I know why you're single.
291
00:10:39,406 --> 00:10:41,641
You're such a lousy date.
292
00:10:41,742 --> 00:10:45,212
Look, Bob, I'm going
to go call Dan again.
293
00:10:45,312 --> 00:10:46,446
Fine.
294
00:10:46,546 --> 00:10:47,748
I'm going to mingle.
295
00:10:47,848 --> 00:10:49,016
No.
Don't.
296
00:10:49,116 --> 00:10:50,317
Don't.
You're not serious.
297
00:10:50,417 --> 00:10:52,119
Listen, me and the guys,
we're going to hang out.
298
00:10:52,219 --> 00:10:54,454
You got a problem
with that, babe?
299
00:10:54,554 --> 00:10:56,423
[laughing]
300
00:11:00,527 --> 00:11:04,798
Excuse me, you know,
you could do much better.
301
00:11:07,634 --> 00:11:10,303
I don't see you
here with anybody.
302
00:11:10,403 --> 00:11:11,772
You're kidding me.
303
00:11:11,872 --> 00:11:13,240
Honest to god.
304
00:11:13,340 --> 00:11:16,777
This broad was so hot I thought
she was going to kill me.
305
00:11:16,877 --> 00:11:18,511
Oh, man.
306
00:11:18,611 --> 00:11:19,412
Yeah.
307
00:11:19,512 --> 00:11:21,481
Bada bing, bada boom.
308
00:11:21,581 --> 00:11:23,450
[laughing]
309
00:11:23,550 --> 00:11:27,821
So then she brings out this
suitcase full of sex toys.
310
00:11:27,921 --> 00:11:29,522
And I'm thinking,
this broad is freaky.
311
00:11:29,622 --> 00:11:30,724
Oh, yeah.
312
00:11:30,824 --> 00:11:32,159
As long s you're getting
your battery charged,
313
00:11:32,259 --> 00:11:33,626
what's the damn difference?
314
00:11:33,727 --> 00:11:34,862
[laughing]
315
00:11:34,962 --> 00:11:36,830
Yeah, I mean, while you're
getting your car washed,
316
00:11:36,930 --> 00:11:38,932
you might as well get
the hot wax, right?
317
00:11:39,032 --> 00:11:40,333
Yeah.
318
00:11:40,433 --> 00:11:41,634
[laughing]
319
00:11:41,735 --> 00:11:42,836
Only thing I want
to know, is what
320
00:11:42,936 --> 00:11:44,071
does she want with
you when she's got
321
00:11:44,171 --> 00:11:45,672
a suitcase full of sex toys.
322
00:11:49,777 --> 00:11:51,611
That supposed to be a joke?
323
00:11:51,711 --> 00:11:52,512
OK.
324
00:11:55,615 --> 00:11:56,850
Oh.
325
00:11:56,950 --> 00:12:01,521
Well, anyway, we were
going pretty good.
326
00:12:01,621 --> 00:12:07,427
And I was catching my groove,
doing what makes me me.
327
00:12:07,527 --> 00:12:10,330
And then her roommate walks
in and says, can I join you?
328
00:12:10,430 --> 00:12:11,598
[laughing]
329
00:12:11,698 --> 00:12:12,699
Yeah, right.
330
00:12:16,603 --> 00:12:19,706
I mean, way to go.
331
00:12:19,807 --> 00:12:22,542
So then her roommate
takes off all her clothes,
332
00:12:22,642 --> 00:12:24,377
and I got both of
them to deal with.
333
00:12:24,477 --> 00:12:26,313
Hey, hold on a second.
Hold on now.
334
00:12:26,413 --> 00:12:28,215
Let me ask you this
question, all right?
335
00:12:28,315 --> 00:12:29,382
Yeah.
What?
336
00:12:29,482 --> 00:12:31,184
Are you making this
stuff up as you go along?
337
00:12:34,187 --> 00:12:36,689
You calling me a liar.
338
00:12:36,790 --> 00:12:37,590
No.
339
00:12:39,759 --> 00:12:41,661
Bada boom, bada bing.
340
00:12:41,761 --> 00:12:46,366
You know, I mean, long as
you're getting your cue chocked,
341
00:12:46,466 --> 00:12:47,935
it don't matter
what ball you hit.
342
00:12:53,040 --> 00:12:54,041
OK.
343
00:12:54,141 --> 00:12:55,775
Well, then just keep
an eye out for him, OK?
344
00:12:55,876 --> 00:12:56,877
(WHISPERED)
Hurry up, hurry up.
345
00:12:56,977 --> 00:12:58,545
All right.
Bye.
346
00:12:58,645 --> 00:12:59,947
What?
- Oh, man.
347
00:13:00,047 --> 00:13:00,914
What?
348
00:13:01,014 --> 00:13:01,849
Oh, man.
349
00:13:01,949 --> 00:13:04,384
It was awesome.
350
00:13:04,484 --> 00:13:06,854
Hey it reminds of that
movie where that lady hung
351
00:13:06,954 --> 00:13:09,489
out with the gorillas, but they
accept her as one of their own.
352
00:13:09,589 --> 00:13:11,024
Oh, cool.
353
00:13:11,124 --> 00:13:11,925
Yeah.
354
00:13:12,025 --> 00:13:13,726
What do they talk about?
355
00:13:13,827 --> 00:13:17,197
Well, OK, the head
gorilla, OK, he's
356
00:13:17,297 --> 00:13:19,299
like stand around telling
these sex stories.
357
00:13:19,399 --> 00:13:21,168
And the less dominant
gorillas are just
358
00:13:21,268 --> 00:13:24,037
standing around believing it.
359
00:13:24,137 --> 00:13:25,772
So what's so new about that?
360
00:13:25,873 --> 00:13:27,875
Well, I think I finally
figured out why they do it.
361
00:13:27,975 --> 00:13:28,775
Do
362
00:13:28,876 --> 00:13:29,977
Oh, do tell.
363
00:13:30,077 --> 00:13:33,046
Well, it's like, if one
of them actually has sex,
364
00:13:33,146 --> 00:13:35,983
then it seems like maybe the
rest of them have a chance too.
365
00:13:36,083 --> 00:13:36,884
Oh.
366
00:13:36,984 --> 00:13:38,285
So you think that's it, huh?
367
00:13:38,385 --> 00:13:39,352
Oh, yeah.
368
00:13:39,452 --> 00:13:41,254
It gives them a feeling
of hope and pride.
369
00:13:41,354 --> 00:13:42,655
[laughing]
370
00:13:43,656 --> 00:13:44,691
Hey, order me another beer.
371
00:13:44,791 --> 00:13:45,592
I'll be right back.
372
00:13:45,692 --> 00:13:46,693
Why where are you going?
373
00:13:46,793 --> 00:13:47,895
- I'm going to the men's room.
- No.
374
00:13:47,995 --> 00:13:49,362
Don't-- Roseanne,
please don't do it.
375
00:13:49,462 --> 00:13:50,864
Please don't do anything.
376
00:13:50,964 --> 00:13:51,831
Don't do it.
377
00:13:51,932 --> 00:13:53,000
No, come on.
Come on.
378
00:13:53,100 --> 00:13:54,567
I'm just going to go
update your phone number.
379
00:14:00,107 --> 00:14:01,241
God it stinks in here.
380
00:14:05,345 --> 00:14:07,714
[music playing]
381
00:14:21,228 --> 00:14:23,630
[screaming]
382
00:14:25,698 --> 00:14:29,069
Give me a break.
383
00:14:29,169 --> 00:14:31,138
How are you
doing, Mr. Thompson?
384
00:14:31,238 --> 00:14:32,039
Hi, girls.
385
00:14:38,645 --> 00:14:41,048
[laughing]
386
00:14:42,215 --> 00:14:43,083
Gah.
387
00:14:43,183 --> 00:14:44,918
This was even lamer
than last year.
388
00:14:45,018 --> 00:14:46,153
Yeah.
389
00:14:46,253 --> 00:14:48,188
But you see that Freddy
Krueger guy checking me out?
390
00:14:51,124 --> 00:14:55,695
Beck-head, there were
19 Freddy Kruegers?
391
00:14:55,795 --> 00:14:57,764
Which one were you referring to?
392
00:14:57,864 --> 00:14:59,732
The cute one.
393
00:14:59,832 --> 00:15:01,434
[laughing]
394
00:15:01,534 --> 00:15:04,304
This is just great.
395
00:15:04,404 --> 00:15:05,572
Yo, Dan.
Hey.
396
00:15:05,672 --> 00:15:06,806
- Yeah.
- Rosie called.
397
00:15:06,906 --> 00:15:07,874
Her car broke down.
398
00:15:07,975 --> 00:15:08,908
She and Jackie are
stuck at The Low Boy.
399
00:15:09,009 --> 00:15:10,410
And they need you
to pick them up.
400
00:15:10,510 --> 00:15:11,378
Aw, man.
401
00:15:11,478 --> 00:15:13,246
That stupid car.
402
00:15:13,346 --> 00:15:14,214
Hey, Arn.
403
00:15:14,314 --> 00:15:15,648
Yo.
404
00:15:15,748 --> 00:15:18,185
I-- Who are you
supposed to be?
405
00:15:18,285 --> 00:15:19,086
Pfft.
406
00:15:19,186 --> 00:15:19,987
[laughing]
407
00:15:20,087 --> 00:15:23,556
I'm Elvis' ghost, man.
408
00:15:23,656 --> 00:15:25,993
[laughing]
409
00:15:30,930 --> 00:15:32,932
Listen, um, let's
go pick up your mom.
410
00:15:33,033 --> 00:15:34,034
Where's DJ.
411
00:15:34,134 --> 00:15:35,335
Last time I saw him
he was in the chamber
412
00:15:35,435 --> 00:15:38,038
of everlasting horror.
413
00:15:38,138 --> 00:15:40,373
Yeah, whining about
that stupid broom.
414
00:15:40,473 --> 00:15:41,274
Oh, jeez.
415
00:15:41,374 --> 00:15:42,409
You guys wait here, OK?
416
00:15:44,844 --> 00:15:46,613
DJ.
417
00:15:46,713 --> 00:15:47,514
DJ?
418
00:15:47,614 --> 00:15:48,448
[grunting]
419
00:15:48,548 --> 00:15:49,349
Hey, Jimmy.
420
00:15:49,449 --> 00:15:50,717
You seen DJ?
421
00:15:50,817 --> 00:15:53,486
Nah, Dan, I haven't seen him.
422
00:15:53,586 --> 00:15:54,988
DJ?
423
00:15:55,088 --> 00:15:56,089
DJ?
424
00:15:56,189 --> 00:15:56,990
DJ?
425
00:15:57,090 --> 00:15:58,891
[howling]
426
00:16:00,860 --> 00:16:02,662
Hey, Andy.
427
00:16:02,762 --> 00:16:03,963
You seen my boy?
428
00:16:04,064 --> 00:16:05,298
He's dressed up like a wi--
429
00:16:05,398 --> 00:16:06,766
wizard.
430
00:16:06,866 --> 00:16:07,867
Give it up, Dan.
431
00:16:07,967 --> 00:16:09,002
The kid's a witch.
432
00:16:09,102 --> 00:16:10,770
- Andy, Andy.
- What?
433
00:16:10,870 --> 00:16:11,704
You've got three boys.
434
00:16:11,804 --> 00:16:13,206
This is just a phase, right?
435
00:16:13,306 --> 00:16:14,407
Oh, yeah.
436
00:16:14,507 --> 00:16:16,543
Kid hits a certain age,
he does some weird stuff.
437
00:16:16,643 --> 00:16:18,345
You know what I mean?
- Yeah.
438
00:16:18,445 --> 00:16:19,579
I think DJ's hiding from me.
439
00:16:19,679 --> 00:16:20,913
I probably traumatized.
440
00:16:21,014 --> 00:16:22,215
Poor kid.
441
00:16:22,315 --> 00:16:24,717
All he wanted was a broom
so he could pretend to fly.
442
00:16:24,817 --> 00:16:26,886
That probably means he
wants to be a pilot, right?
443
00:16:26,986 --> 00:16:28,221
Dan, Dan, Dan.
444
00:16:28,321 --> 00:16:31,358
You can't go turning everything
a kid does into a career.
445
00:16:31,458 --> 00:16:32,259
All right?
446
00:16:32,359 --> 00:16:33,326
Believe me.
447
00:16:33,426 --> 00:16:34,894
It means more to you
than it does to him.
448
00:16:34,994 --> 00:16:36,896
But if he keeps this up
some kid's going to come along
449
00:16:36,996 --> 00:16:37,897
and deck him.
450
00:16:37,997 --> 00:16:40,367
Come on, we were
kids, we survived.
451
00:16:40,467 --> 00:16:42,435
Look at us now.
452
00:16:42,535 --> 00:16:44,871
DJ: Dad!
453
00:16:44,971 --> 00:16:45,838
[creaking]
454
00:16:45,938 --> 00:16:47,774
DJ?
455
00:16:47,874 --> 00:16:48,741
Dad?
456
00:16:48,841 --> 00:16:50,510
DJ.
457
00:16:50,610 --> 00:16:52,145
Where you been, boy?
458
00:16:52,245 --> 00:16:53,080
Scaring people.
459
00:16:53,180 --> 00:16:54,047
Yeah.
460
00:16:54,147 --> 00:16:55,382
Well you scared
the heck out of me,
461
00:16:55,482 --> 00:16:56,383
I didn't know where you were.
462
00:16:56,483 --> 00:16:58,518
You mad at me?
463
00:16:58,618 --> 00:16:59,419
Nah.
464
00:16:59,519 --> 00:17:00,453
You mad at me?
465
00:17:00,553 --> 00:17:01,354
Nah.
466
00:17:01,454 --> 00:17:02,289
All right.
467
00:17:02,389 --> 00:17:04,257
Let's go get your broom.
468
00:17:04,357 --> 00:17:05,558
[laughing]
469
00:17:05,658 --> 00:17:08,928
Yeah, every time my
old lady starts giving me
470
00:17:09,028 --> 00:17:11,431
that crap about men women being
equal, see I just tell her,
471
00:17:11,531 --> 00:17:12,499
you're so equal?
472
00:17:12,599 --> 00:17:14,834
Well, let's see you
pee out a camp fire.
473
00:17:14,934 --> 00:17:16,336
[laughing]
474
00:17:17,904 --> 00:17:19,772
Hey, uh, Bob.
475
00:17:19,872 --> 00:17:23,743
Looks like your old lady
just found a new fireman.
476
00:17:23,843 --> 00:17:27,347
Yeah, well, uh, we got
an open relationship, see.
477
00:17:27,447 --> 00:17:29,349
That cause you can't
keep her in line?
478
00:17:29,449 --> 00:17:33,019
Well, it's hard to control
a woman who ain't inflatable.
479
00:17:33,120 --> 00:17:35,388
[laughing]
480
00:17:35,488 --> 00:17:37,257
[coughing]
481
00:17:38,691 --> 00:17:39,492
Yo, bitch.
482
00:17:45,198 --> 00:17:48,401
You are making me look bad
in front of the other guys.
483
00:17:48,501 --> 00:17:51,070
Uh, hey, I don't see
any ring on this finger.
484
00:17:55,308 --> 00:17:57,210
Hi Jackie.
485
00:17:57,310 --> 00:17:58,178
Crystal?
486
00:17:58,278 --> 00:17:59,312
What are you doing here?
487
00:17:59,412 --> 00:18:01,514
I'm here to drown my sorrows.
488
00:18:01,614 --> 00:18:05,818
Willy, get me a pink squirrel,
and keep them coming.
489
00:18:05,918 --> 00:18:08,755
I just had a terrible date
and it's all my fault.
490
00:18:08,855 --> 00:18:10,056
I could have ordered
the chicken, which
491
00:18:10,157 --> 00:18:11,758
was reasonably priced but no.
492
00:18:11,858 --> 00:18:13,860
I had to have the surf
and turf, which clearly
493
00:18:13,960 --> 00:18:15,828
signaled I owed him something.
494
00:18:15,928 --> 00:18:18,631
And then when I was not
accommodating he dumped me.
495
00:18:18,731 --> 00:18:22,169
Well, could you stop blaming
yourself for everything?
496
00:18:22,269 --> 00:18:24,171
You got a right to
eat without letting
497
00:18:24,271 --> 00:18:25,705
some guy put you on the menu.
498
00:18:25,805 --> 00:18:27,240
You're better than that Crystal.
499
00:18:27,340 --> 00:18:28,141
Really?
500
00:18:28,241 --> 00:18:29,942
Yes, really.
501
00:18:30,042 --> 00:18:31,611
You are a quality woman.
502
00:18:31,711 --> 00:18:33,079
And you've got to keep
telling yourself that
503
00:18:33,180 --> 00:18:36,516
and stop judging yourself
according to what men think.
504
00:18:36,616 --> 00:18:39,118
What's your name?
505
00:18:39,219 --> 00:18:41,120
[laughing]
506
00:18:48,195 --> 00:18:50,230
Don't you recognize me?
507
00:18:50,330 --> 00:18:52,265
Well, refresh my memory.
508
00:18:54,934 --> 00:18:57,069
Where might we have met.
509
00:18:57,170 --> 00:18:58,705
At Roseanne's house.
510
00:18:58,805 --> 00:18:59,606
Roseanne?
511
00:19:03,243 --> 00:19:05,178
Trick or treat.
512
00:19:05,278 --> 00:19:08,715
Well-- Well, of course
I knew it was you.
513
00:19:08,815 --> 00:19:09,849
No you did not.
514
00:19:09,949 --> 00:19:11,050
I was playing along.
515
00:19:11,150 --> 00:19:11,951
No.
516
00:19:12,051 --> 00:19:13,386
You were ready to sleep with me.
517
00:19:15,555 --> 00:19:17,424
Well, I was going to make
you buy me dinner first.
518
00:19:19,759 --> 00:19:20,660
[laughing]
519
00:19:20,760 --> 00:19:22,795
Hello, girls.
520
00:19:22,895 --> 00:19:23,696
Bob.
521
00:19:26,266 --> 00:19:31,604
Hey, of course you ladies
recognize Warren Beatty.
522
00:19:31,704 --> 00:19:32,939
Want to dance?
523
00:19:33,039 --> 00:19:34,707
I'm talking with my friends.
524
00:19:34,807 --> 00:19:36,108
Maybe some other time.
525
00:19:36,209 --> 00:19:38,711
What, you'd rather sit there
with Burl Ives than dance
526
00:19:38,811 --> 00:19:39,946
with me?
527
00:19:40,046 --> 00:19:41,581
Come on, let's dance.
528
00:19:41,681 --> 00:19:42,882
No, thank you.
529
00:19:42,982 --> 00:19:45,852
Well I'm not going to bit
you, unless you want me to.
530
00:19:45,952 --> 00:19:47,119
Oh, oh, hardi-har-har.
531
00:19:48,888 --> 00:19:50,590
Hey, nobody's talking to you.
532
00:19:50,690 --> 00:19:52,392
Come on.
Let's dance.
533
00:19:52,492 --> 00:19:54,494
- No leave her alone.
- Well I-- it's all right.
534
00:19:54,594 --> 00:19:56,028
I'll dance with him.
- You will not.
535
00:19:56,128 --> 00:19:57,264
Just sit down!
536
00:19:57,364 --> 00:19:59,699
You know, I'm sick to
you, you've been in my face
537
00:19:59,799 --> 00:20:00,700
all night.
538
00:20:00,800 --> 00:20:02,902
Look, why don't
you just take a hike.
539
00:20:03,002 --> 00:20:04,604
Yeah, who's going to make me?
540
00:20:04,704 --> 00:20:06,273
Oh yeah, that's real grown up.
541
00:20:06,373 --> 00:20:07,374
Fight about it.
542
00:20:07,474 --> 00:20:08,741
Fine with me.
543
00:20:08,841 --> 00:20:10,443
Come on fat boy,
let's take it outside.
544
00:20:12,945 --> 00:20:16,249
Well she-- she started it.
545
00:20:16,349 --> 00:20:17,149
OK.
546
00:20:17,250 --> 00:20:18,050
OK.
547
00:20:18,150 --> 00:20:20,487
I have to tell you something.
548
00:20:20,587 --> 00:20:21,754
I'm a woman.
549
00:20:21,854 --> 00:20:24,624
Yeah, you're going to be
when I get done with you.
550
00:20:24,724 --> 00:20:25,558
Hey!
551
00:20:25,658 --> 00:20:26,859
Leave him alone.
552
00:20:26,959 --> 00:20:28,295
What's it to you?
553
00:20:28,395 --> 00:20:29,496
He's my husband.
554
00:20:35,768 --> 00:20:36,536
What?
555
00:20:36,636 --> 00:20:38,037
You heard me.
556
00:20:38,137 --> 00:20:41,808
Anybody that messes with
him, messes with me.
557
00:20:41,908 --> 00:20:44,210
[laughing]
558
00:20:51,017 --> 00:20:53,953
Would you want to mess with me?
559
00:20:54,053 --> 00:20:57,023
No way.
560
00:20:57,123 --> 00:20:58,591
Oh, my hero.
561
00:21:00,927 --> 00:21:03,396
Oh here's a real man for you.
562
00:21:03,496 --> 00:21:04,297
[spitting]
563
00:21:04,397 --> 00:21:06,399
That beard kind of tickles.
564
00:21:06,499 --> 00:21:09,168
Bada boom, bada bing.
565
00:21:09,268 --> 00:21:10,169
[laughing]
566
00:21:10,269 --> 00:21:11,170
[music playing]
567
00:21:11,270 --> 00:21:13,640
[applause]
568
00:21:16,242 --> 00:21:18,378
[high pitched humming]
569
00:21:22,482 --> 00:21:24,551
Hey, quite breathing on me.
570
00:21:24,651 --> 00:21:27,153
I ain't breathing on you.
571
00:21:27,253 --> 00:21:28,120
Neh.
572
00:21:28,220 --> 00:21:30,122
What was that for?
573
00:21:30,222 --> 00:21:31,924
Quit slobbering
on me, would you?
574
00:21:32,024 --> 00:21:33,426
Oh, yeah I--
575
00:21:33,526 --> 00:21:34,394
[grunting]
576
00:21:34,494 --> 00:21:36,363
[barking]
577
00:21:37,430 --> 00:21:39,298
[applause]
578
00:21:39,399 --> 00:21:41,233
[high pitched humming]
579
00:21:43,302 --> 00:21:45,137
[screaming]
580
00:21:45,237 --> 00:21:46,373
Hey, Andie.
581
00:21:46,473 --> 00:21:47,574
Hey, Dan.
582
00:21:47,674 --> 00:21:50,309
[high pitched humming]
583
00:21:50,359 --> 00:21:54,909
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