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1
00:00:00,668 --> 00:00:02,270
[sound effect playing]
2
00:00:04,372 --> 00:00:06,740
[theme music]
3
00:00:49,117 --> 00:00:51,585
[laughing]
4
00:00:51,619 --> 00:00:53,487
[music playing]
5
00:00:59,660 --> 00:01:00,528
No, come on.
6
00:01:00,561 --> 00:01:02,430
You're wide open.
7
00:01:02,463 --> 00:01:03,297
Come on.
8
00:01:03,331 --> 00:01:04,298
Don't just stand there.
9
00:01:04,332 --> 00:01:05,299
Shoot the ball.
10
00:01:05,333 --> 00:01:06,200
Shoot it.
11
00:01:06,234 --> 00:01:07,034
Shoot it.
12
00:01:07,067 --> 00:01:09,237
Shoot it it's up!
13
00:01:09,270 --> 00:01:10,638
Uh I was watching that.
14
00:01:10,671 --> 00:01:12,740
Well, now you're
watching this.
15
00:01:12,773 --> 00:01:15,343
Give me that.
16
00:01:15,376 --> 00:01:17,645
Hey, there is no
way I'm going to be
17
00:01:17,678 --> 00:01:18,946
watching Italian basketball.
18
00:01:21,014 --> 00:01:21,882
Ooh, look.
19
00:01:21,915 --> 00:01:23,217
It's the spokes model category.
20
00:01:23,251 --> 00:01:24,051
Yay.
21
00:01:31,359 --> 00:01:32,226
Becky, I can't see.
22
00:01:32,260 --> 00:01:33,361
Oh I'm sorry, Darlene.
23
00:01:33,394 --> 00:01:34,662
Am I in your way?
24
00:01:34,695 --> 00:01:38,098
Well, we got a 19 inch TV
and you got a 25 inch butt.
25
00:01:39,933 --> 00:01:43,237
Well, guess we're just going
to have to watch my show.
26
00:01:43,271 --> 00:01:45,005
Well, guess I'm just
going to have to tell
27
00:01:45,038 --> 00:01:47,074
Mom that I was watching first.
28
00:01:47,107 --> 00:01:48,041
[laughing]
29
00:01:48,075 --> 00:01:49,810
You're such a little infant.
30
00:01:49,843 --> 00:01:51,078
You're a PEZ head.
31
00:01:51,111 --> 00:01:52,180
Hey, babe.
32
00:01:52,213 --> 00:01:53,881
How long have they
been fighting like this?
33
00:01:53,914 --> 00:01:56,750
Well, let's see,
Darlene's almost 14 now.
34
00:01:56,784 --> 00:01:58,552
[telephone ringing]
35
00:01:59,620 --> 00:02:00,454
Hello.
36
00:02:00,488 --> 00:02:01,422
Mother.
37
00:02:01,455 --> 00:02:04,492
She was watching it first.
38
00:02:04,525 --> 00:02:06,360
Yeah.
39
00:02:06,394 --> 00:02:07,795
I'd love to.
40
00:02:07,828 --> 00:02:09,129
Friday night?
41
00:02:09,163 --> 00:02:10,331
Yeah, I was hoping you'd call.
42
00:02:10,364 --> 00:02:12,966
You want to buy me dinner?
43
00:02:13,000 --> 00:02:17,070
Well, gee, what's in it for you?
44
00:02:17,104 --> 00:02:18,038
Oh sure, I put out.
45
00:02:18,071 --> 00:02:18,872
Everybody knows that.
46
00:02:21,074 --> 00:02:22,710
Darlene, what are you doing?
47
00:02:22,743 --> 00:02:23,677
Oh, don't worry Mom.
48
00:02:23,711 --> 00:02:25,379
He thinks it's Becky.
49
00:02:25,413 --> 00:02:27,215
Oh, OK.
50
00:02:27,248 --> 00:02:28,582
Mother!
51
00:02:28,616 --> 00:02:29,783
I'm going to kill you Darlene.
52
00:02:29,817 --> 00:02:31,719
Hey, Kelly, I'll
see it on video.
53
00:02:31,752 --> 00:02:32,853
Sorry got to go.
54
00:02:32,886 --> 00:02:33,954
7:30.
55
00:02:33,987 --> 00:02:34,855
Don't dress.
56
00:02:34,888 --> 00:02:36,089
You're dead.
57
00:02:36,123 --> 00:02:37,425
[laughing]
58
00:02:37,458 --> 00:02:39,393
Now, you guys have been on
each other's case for weeks.
59
00:02:39,427 --> 00:02:40,294
Give it a rest.
60
00:02:40,328 --> 00:02:41,629
Mother, she was the one--
61
00:02:41,662 --> 00:02:43,264
And so did you.
Now go on.
62
00:02:43,297 --> 00:02:44,164
Find something to do.
63
00:02:44,198 --> 00:02:45,065
Go on.
64
00:02:45,098 --> 00:02:46,099
Go on.
65
00:02:46,133 --> 00:02:47,268
And stop calling me mother.
66
00:02:50,338 --> 00:02:52,606
Well, thanks for your help.
67
00:02:52,640 --> 00:02:53,974
What?
68
00:02:54,007 --> 00:02:56,344
Don't you have anything to
say about what Darlene just did?
69
00:02:56,377 --> 00:02:57,778
Yes.
70
00:02:57,811 --> 00:03:00,581
If only she'd use her power
for good instead of evil.
71
00:03:00,614 --> 00:03:01,482
[laughing]
72
00:03:04,552 --> 00:03:07,154
The thermostat's fixed.
73
00:03:07,187 --> 00:03:09,323
You just turn this
little doodad here.
74
00:03:09,357 --> 00:03:11,992
The heat goes on in the
basement and it's ready for you
75
00:03:12,025 --> 00:03:13,994
to resume your writing career.
76
00:03:14,027 --> 00:03:15,496
Well, you know,
I don't think I'm
77
00:03:15,529 --> 00:03:17,698
going to have that much
time to pursue that career,
78
00:03:17,731 --> 00:03:19,867
now what with the
new job I got today.
79
00:03:19,900 --> 00:03:20,901
Did you get that waitress job?
80
00:03:20,934 --> 00:03:21,802
Yes, I did.
81
00:03:21,835 --> 00:03:23,203
Well, it was close.
82
00:03:23,237 --> 00:03:26,173
It was between me and the
other woman they hired.
83
00:03:26,206 --> 00:03:28,842
Well, it beats sweeping
up at that beauty parlor.
84
00:03:28,876 --> 00:03:31,379
Well, the way I look at it,
I'm still working with hair,
85
00:03:31,412 --> 00:03:34,515
only now, it's in the food.
86
00:03:34,548 --> 00:03:35,849
Come here woman.
87
00:03:35,883 --> 00:03:37,851
You done good.
88
00:03:37,885 --> 00:03:41,889
Well, good then, you must
massage my feet now, nave.
89
00:03:41,922 --> 00:03:43,357
[chuckling]
90
00:03:43,391 --> 00:03:45,559
And a dainty pair
of pups they are.
91
00:03:49,263 --> 00:03:51,231
You know, I'm going to be
working the dinner shift.
92
00:03:51,265 --> 00:03:53,033
So that means you're going
to take over around here.
93
00:03:53,066 --> 00:03:54,735
Don't worry.
I can handle it.
94
00:03:54,768 --> 00:03:57,204
Yeah, well, you know,
that means that you've
95
00:03:57,237 --> 00:03:59,307
got to feed the kids
once in a while,
96
00:03:59,340 --> 00:04:01,675
you've got to maintain
law and order around here,
97
00:04:01,709 --> 00:04:05,813
and you have to keep them
from killing each other.
98
00:04:05,846 --> 00:04:06,647
Better write this down.
99
00:04:09,650 --> 00:04:11,619
Mom, Darlene's
hogging the bathroom.
100
00:04:11,652 --> 00:04:12,853
She's doing her
homework in there.
101
00:04:12,886 --> 00:04:13,754
And she locked me out.
102
00:04:13,787 --> 00:04:15,088
And I really need to get in.
103
00:04:15,122 --> 00:04:17,691
Darlene's doing her homework.
104
00:04:17,725 --> 00:04:19,226
Oh, honey.
105
00:04:19,259 --> 00:04:21,462
Oh it's a proud, proud day.
106
00:04:23,864 --> 00:04:25,098
You want to handle this, Dan?
107
00:04:25,132 --> 00:04:26,133
Nope.
108
00:04:26,166 --> 00:04:27,301
You start your job tomorrow.
109
00:04:27,335 --> 00:04:28,502
I start my job tomorrow.
110
00:04:31,672 --> 00:04:32,706
You got a job?
111
00:04:32,740 --> 00:04:34,074
Yeah.
112
00:04:34,107 --> 00:04:36,577
I'm working in the restaurant
over at Rodbell's department
113
00:04:36,610 --> 00:04:38,846
store.
114
00:04:38,879 --> 00:04:40,981
The-- the one in the mall?
115
00:04:41,014 --> 00:04:41,915
Yeah.
116
00:04:41,949 --> 00:04:44,752
Where I hang out
with my friends?
117
00:04:44,785 --> 00:04:46,554
Yeah.
118
00:04:46,587 --> 00:04:49,122
My mother is
going to be there.
119
00:04:49,156 --> 00:04:52,726
Yeah, it's a kick
in the head, ain't it?
120
00:04:52,760 --> 00:04:55,195
You've ruined my life?
121
00:04:55,228 --> 00:04:58,599
Well, you don't think I took
the job for the money, do you?
122
00:04:58,632 --> 00:05:01,001
[music playing]
123
00:05:06,039 --> 00:05:08,409
[chattering]
124
00:05:10,978 --> 00:05:11,912
You guys behave!
125
00:05:23,691 --> 00:05:26,594
Can I help you.
126
00:05:26,627 --> 00:05:27,495
Um, yeah--
127
00:05:27,528 --> 00:05:28,896
Hey!
128
00:05:28,929 --> 00:05:30,163
Just have a seat anywhere ma'am.
129
00:05:30,197 --> 00:05:32,099
Look, you guys quit
flipping them spoons.
130
00:05:34,368 --> 00:05:35,536
- Coffee?
- Yeah.
131
00:05:35,569 --> 00:05:36,370
That'd be great.
132
00:05:39,072 --> 00:05:40,874
Um, you know, I uh--
133
00:05:40,908 --> 00:05:41,775
Um there's no cream.
134
00:05:41,809 --> 00:05:42,743
Um, there's some in the back.
135
00:05:42,776 --> 00:05:44,812
I'll be back in just a second.
136
00:05:44,845 --> 00:05:46,680
Well I've had worse jobs.
137
00:05:51,885 --> 00:05:53,387
Spoon.
138
00:05:53,421 --> 00:05:54,221
Spoon.
139
00:05:59,660 --> 00:06:01,061
[laughing]
140
00:06:01,094 --> 00:06:03,063
Here yo go.
141
00:06:03,096 --> 00:06:04,565
- Thanks.
- Excuse me.
142
00:06:04,598 --> 00:06:06,400
Would you please do
something about those kids.
143
00:06:06,434 --> 00:06:07,801
They're throwing
spitballs at my wife.
144
00:06:07,835 --> 00:06:09,202
Yes sir.
I'm sorry.
145
00:06:09,236 --> 00:06:10,237
I'll take care of it.
146
00:06:10,270 --> 00:06:12,005
I'll be right back.
147
00:06:12,039 --> 00:06:12,973
Look.
148
00:06:13,006 --> 00:06:15,042
You guys have got
to cut this out, OK?
149
00:06:15,075 --> 00:06:17,244
Yeah, right.
150
00:06:17,277 --> 00:06:18,446
I'm sorry, sir.
151
00:06:18,479 --> 00:06:19,413
I'm sorry.
152
00:06:19,447 --> 00:06:20,313
I'm sorry.
153
00:06:20,347 --> 00:06:21,449
I'm sorry.
154
00:06:21,482 --> 00:06:23,551
You know, you look like
you could use some help.
155
00:06:23,584 --> 00:06:25,118
Well, this is the
first day on the job.
156
00:06:25,152 --> 00:06:26,754
And there's supposed to
be another waitress here.
157
00:06:26,787 --> 00:06:27,955
But she hasn't gotten here yet.
158
00:06:27,988 --> 00:06:29,723
Oh, that's a shame.
159
00:06:29,757 --> 00:06:30,558
Wait a minute.
160
00:06:32,159 --> 00:06:32,960
Tada!
161
00:06:36,664 --> 00:06:38,666
We look like we were
separated at birth.
162
00:06:41,168 --> 00:06:43,837
That's your table, sis.
163
00:06:43,871 --> 00:06:45,939
Jeez, they're kind
of cute, aren't they?
164
00:06:45,973 --> 00:06:48,241
You know, I have a couple
kids at home, just their age.
165
00:06:48,275 --> 00:06:49,543
I think I can relate to them.
166
00:06:56,517 --> 00:06:58,952
Get out!
167
00:06:58,986 --> 00:07:01,354
[applause]
168
00:07:03,924 --> 00:07:06,293
[music playing]
169
00:07:11,832 --> 00:07:14,034
Roseanne, you know
when our dinner break is?
170
00:07:14,067 --> 00:07:15,268
I'm starving.
171
00:07:15,302 --> 00:07:17,304
Gee, I'm not hungry at all.
172
00:07:17,337 --> 00:07:18,672
I wonder why.
173
00:07:24,978 --> 00:07:29,783
Mmkay, I've got a Salisbury
steak, and a sauce steak.
174
00:07:29,817 --> 00:07:31,552
Who gets the Salisbury steak?
175
00:07:31,585 --> 00:07:33,353
- Uh, I do.
- OK.
176
00:07:33,386 --> 00:07:35,088
Then you would be
the person to ask.
177
00:07:35,122 --> 00:07:38,425
Um, which one is it?
178
00:07:38,458 --> 00:07:39,827
Roseanne!
179
00:07:39,860 --> 00:07:41,629
Roseanne!
180
00:07:41,662 --> 00:07:45,633
Enjoy your, uh, thing.
181
00:07:45,666 --> 00:07:49,202
Roseanne, we're out of decaf
and I can't find anymore.
182
00:07:49,236 --> 00:07:52,806
Oh, well, see, you just
don't know where to look.
183
00:07:52,840 --> 00:07:55,042
[laughing]
184
00:07:56,009 --> 00:07:56,877
There.
185
00:07:56,910 --> 00:08:00,080
Now you're out of regular.
186
00:08:00,113 --> 00:08:02,082
Hey, hi Becky.
187
00:08:02,115 --> 00:08:05,052
How you doing honey?
188
00:08:05,085 --> 00:08:06,987
(WHISPERED) Come on, come on.
189
00:08:11,091 --> 00:08:13,226
Mother, would it be all
right if that other woman
190
00:08:13,260 --> 00:08:14,161
waited on us?
191
00:08:14,194 --> 00:08:15,062
No.
192
00:08:15,095 --> 00:08:16,329
For one thing, she's busy.
193
00:08:16,363 --> 00:08:18,398
And for another, y'all are
just going to sit there
194
00:08:18,431 --> 00:08:19,667
sipping sodas for an hour.
195
00:08:19,700 --> 00:08:21,769
And then you'll leave her,
like, a quarter for a tip.
196
00:08:21,802 --> 00:08:23,503
Miss, I'm waiting here.
197
00:08:23,537 --> 00:08:27,207
Well, just a minute all right?
198
00:08:27,240 --> 00:08:28,776
Just go have a seat.
I'll be right with you.
199
00:08:28,809 --> 00:08:29,810
All right.
200
00:08:29,843 --> 00:08:31,344
But do me a favor
and don't come over
201
00:08:31,378 --> 00:08:33,914
and start acting like you're
my mother or something, OK?
202
00:08:33,947 --> 00:08:34,948
So what?
203
00:08:34,982 --> 00:08:37,150
Then like's
breastfeeding you is out.
204
00:08:37,184 --> 00:08:38,986
[laughing]
205
00:08:41,488 --> 00:08:44,157
Oh god.
206
00:08:44,191 --> 00:08:45,092
Miss.
207
00:08:45,125 --> 00:08:45,926
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
208
00:08:49,763 --> 00:08:52,432
Mmkay, you ready to order?
209
00:08:52,465 --> 00:08:55,002
I'll have a cup of coffee
and a glass of water.
210
00:08:58,038 --> 00:09:00,007
You're not going
to order any food?
211
00:09:00,040 --> 00:09:00,908
Nope.
212
00:09:00,941 --> 00:09:03,110
This ain't my table.
213
00:09:03,143 --> 00:09:05,045
You want me to wait
on your daughter?
214
00:09:05,078 --> 00:09:06,279
She looks kind of embarrassed.
215
00:09:06,313 --> 00:09:09,216
Yeah, I'm real
worried about it.
216
00:09:09,249 --> 00:09:11,619
Hi girls, how are you doing?
217
00:09:11,652 --> 00:09:13,486
You know, this
is really weird,
218
00:09:13,520 --> 00:09:15,823
Mrs. Conner, you serving
us and everything.
219
00:09:15,856 --> 00:09:17,424
Yeah, well, just
pretend like, you know,
220
00:09:17,457 --> 00:09:19,326
it's over at our house.
221
00:09:19,359 --> 00:09:21,161
Of course, here they
make me wash my hands
222
00:09:21,194 --> 00:09:23,263
before I serve you the food.
223
00:09:23,296 --> 00:09:25,565
[laughing]
224
00:09:25,599 --> 00:09:28,001
Mother, that's gross.
225
00:09:28,035 --> 00:09:29,903
She's just kidding, you guys.
226
00:09:29,937 --> 00:09:31,171
Well, duh, Becky.
227
00:09:31,204 --> 00:09:32,640
Lighten up, Beck.
228
00:09:32,673 --> 00:09:33,874
Yeah, lighten up, Beck.
229
00:09:33,907 --> 00:09:36,143
Duh.
230
00:09:36,176 --> 00:09:37,645
Can we just order now?
231
00:09:37,678 --> 00:09:38,545
Shoot.
232
00:09:38,578 --> 00:09:39,613
OK.
233
00:09:39,647 --> 00:09:42,082
I'll have a cheese
burger, and fries, and--
234
00:09:42,115 --> 00:09:43,951
How come you're
even here eating?
235
00:09:43,984 --> 00:09:45,719
I mean, your dad's supposed
must be cooking for your.
236
00:09:45,753 --> 00:09:46,887
Dad said it's OK.
237
00:09:46,920 --> 00:09:48,488
Besides, he's only
going to order
238
00:09:48,521 --> 00:09:49,990
a pizza at halftime anyway.
239
00:09:50,023 --> 00:09:52,559
Well, I left the meatloaf
in the fridge this morning.
240
00:09:52,592 --> 00:09:54,527
Well, I guess he
changed his mind.
241
00:09:54,561 --> 00:09:55,763
Really?
242
00:09:55,796 --> 00:09:57,497
Well, could we,
like, order now.
243
00:09:57,530 --> 00:09:58,398
Uh, yeah.
244
00:09:58,431 --> 00:10:00,934
You'll eat what I bring you.
245
00:10:00,968 --> 00:10:03,837
Just like him sitting up there
on his butt, watching the game,
246
00:10:03,871 --> 00:10:05,806
while I kill myself
making a meat loaf.
247
00:10:05,839 --> 00:10:09,609
And this time I even
put real meat in it.
248
00:10:09,643 --> 00:10:12,045
[music playing]
249
00:10:16,616 --> 00:10:17,584
BECKY: Give it back.
250
00:10:17,617 --> 00:10:19,086
Hey, give that back!
251
00:10:19,119 --> 00:10:20,053
DARLENE: Make me!
252
00:10:20,087 --> 00:10:21,054
BECKY: Give it back!
253
00:10:21,088 --> 00:10:23,556
Hey, it was on my
side of the room!
254
00:10:23,590 --> 00:10:26,026
DARLENE: Well, I don't
even want it in the room.
255
00:10:26,059 --> 00:10:27,027
BECKY: OK.
256
00:10:27,060 --> 00:10:28,528
Let go!
257
00:10:28,561 --> 00:10:31,531
[suspenseful music playing]
258
00:10:31,564 --> 00:10:33,000
BECKY: That's my sweater.
259
00:10:33,033 --> 00:10:35,936
Yeah, well, let's see if it fly!
260
00:10:35,969 --> 00:10:38,939
DARLENE: You scum!
261
00:10:38,972 --> 00:10:41,909
Dad, look.
262
00:10:41,942 --> 00:10:43,911
[laughing]
263
00:10:43,944 --> 00:10:46,947
Oh, there's something
you don't see every day.
264
00:10:46,980 --> 00:10:47,848
No, no, no.
265
00:10:47,881 --> 00:10:48,916
Darlene, come on.
266
00:10:48,949 --> 00:10:50,283
That was my favorite!
267
00:10:50,317 --> 00:10:51,752
Like I care.
268
00:10:51,785 --> 00:10:53,687
[laughing]
269
00:10:53,721 --> 00:10:54,654
[inaudible].
270
00:10:56,500 --> 00:10:58,135
Look at this Darlene.
271
00:10:58,168 --> 00:10:59,937
Darlene Conner,
Junior [inaudible]----
272
00:10:59,970 --> 00:11:00,971
No, no, no, 1991.
273
00:11:01,004 --> 00:11:03,406
[inaudible].
274
00:11:03,440 --> 00:11:07,511
Becky, you drop that
thing and you're dead.
275
00:11:07,545 --> 00:11:08,846
Oops.
276
00:11:08,879 --> 00:11:09,747
You dropped it.
277
00:11:09,780 --> 00:11:10,848
Now go get it.
278
00:11:10,881 --> 00:11:11,849
Ow!
279
00:11:11,882 --> 00:11:12,750
Hey!
280
00:11:12,783 --> 00:11:13,717
Hey!
281
00:11:13,751 --> 00:11:15,085
Break.
282
00:11:15,118 --> 00:11:16,520
[groaning]
283
00:11:16,554 --> 00:11:17,454
All right.
284
00:11:17,487 --> 00:11:19,256
What's going on?
- Dad, look--
285
00:11:19,289 --> 00:11:20,591
I can't live with
her anymore, OK?
286
00:11:20,624 --> 00:11:22,092
She's always getting
her stuff in my stuff.
287
00:11:22,125 --> 00:11:23,493
You know what?
I don't care.
288
00:11:23,527 --> 00:11:24,427
You two can't live together?
289
00:11:24,461 --> 00:11:25,328
Fine.
290
00:11:25,362 --> 00:11:26,697
You don't have to.
291
00:11:26,730 --> 00:11:30,067
Darlene, get your stuff, you're
moving down to the basement.
292
00:11:30,100 --> 00:11:30,968
What?
293
00:11:31,001 --> 00:11:31,869
Are you kidding?
294
00:11:31,902 --> 00:11:33,704
I mean, I'm sick of this.
295
00:11:33,737 --> 00:11:35,405
You two do nothing but fight.
296
00:11:35,438 --> 00:11:37,741
You're just going to have
to learn how to live apart.
297
00:11:37,775 --> 00:11:40,310
What do you think about that?
298
00:11:40,343 --> 00:11:41,211
You're the best dad.
299
00:11:41,244 --> 00:11:42,045
I'll get my stuff.
300
00:11:45,616 --> 00:11:47,017
And hurry it up.
301
00:11:54,224 --> 00:11:55,626
DJ, go clean up your room.
302
00:11:55,659 --> 00:11:56,526
Why?
303
00:11:56,560 --> 00:11:57,360
I'm on a roll.
304
00:12:00,798 --> 00:12:02,132
I ought to get more kids.
305
00:12:05,368 --> 00:12:07,037
Hello, dear.
306
00:12:07,070 --> 00:12:09,640
Welcome to Conner Manor
where the children are fed,
307
00:12:09,673 --> 00:12:13,343
the dishes are washed,
and all is serene.
308
00:12:13,376 --> 00:12:15,078
And the bras
and the underpants
309
00:12:15,112 --> 00:12:17,615
are all over the front yard.
310
00:12:17,648 --> 00:12:20,818
You know, most people
would have opted for, like,
311
00:12:20,851 --> 00:12:22,452
a pink flamingo.
312
00:12:22,485 --> 00:12:23,353
Ah, that.
313
00:12:23,386 --> 00:12:24,688
A minor skirmish.
314
00:12:24,722 --> 00:12:27,257
I'll have the girls
take care of it.
315
00:12:27,290 --> 00:12:29,059
Though I hear you totally
humiliated Becky at the mall
316
00:12:29,092 --> 00:12:29,960
today.
317
00:12:29,993 --> 00:12:31,294
Yeah.
318
00:12:31,328 --> 00:12:33,396
You know, I think this job's
going to work out swell.
319
00:12:36,133 --> 00:12:40,470
By the way, what was Becky
doing at the mall anyhow?
320
00:12:40,503 --> 00:12:42,072
She didn't want pizza?
321
00:12:42,105 --> 00:12:43,140
Well what about that meatloaf?
322
00:12:43,173 --> 00:12:46,143
Nobody wanted meatloaf.
323
00:12:46,176 --> 00:12:47,344
Couldn't give that stuff away.
324
00:12:50,480 --> 00:12:51,715
Where are you going
with that stuff?
325
00:12:51,749 --> 00:12:53,216
Well, I can't live
with Becky anymore
326
00:12:53,250 --> 00:12:54,818
so I'm moving down
to the basement.
327
00:12:54,852 --> 00:12:56,386
Whose stupid idea is that?
328
00:12:56,419 --> 00:12:57,220
Mine.
329
00:12:59,489 --> 00:13:00,390
I'll straighten this out.
330
00:13:00,423 --> 00:13:02,359
I already straightened it out.
331
00:13:02,392 --> 00:13:03,627
The girls wouldn't
stop fighting.
332
00:13:03,661 --> 00:13:05,295
I took care of it.
- By what?
333
00:13:05,328 --> 00:13:06,229
Separating them?
334
00:13:06,263 --> 00:13:07,364
I never would have
done that, Dan.
335
00:13:07,397 --> 00:13:09,266
Well, you weren't here.
336
00:13:09,299 --> 00:13:10,567
You told me to
take charge, I did.
337
00:13:10,600 --> 00:13:11,534
What are you going to do?
338
00:13:11,568 --> 00:13:13,003
Come in and overrule
everything I do?
339
00:13:13,036 --> 00:13:15,472
Well, now they're never going
to talk to each other again.
340
00:13:15,505 --> 00:13:16,306
Honey.
341
00:13:20,744 --> 00:13:23,814
How can you just lay there
like that and stare at the TV?
342
00:13:23,847 --> 00:13:24,715
Easy.
343
00:13:24,748 --> 00:13:26,850
It was quiet
344
00:13:27,851 --> 00:13:28,719
till you got home.
345
00:13:31,722 --> 00:13:34,057
[music playing]
346
00:13:40,864 --> 00:13:41,765
I don't know.
347
00:13:41,799 --> 00:13:43,033
I think Dan had a good idea.
348
00:13:43,066 --> 00:13:44,234
When we were kids
it would have been
349
00:13:44,267 --> 00:13:45,969
great having our own rooms.
350
00:13:46,003 --> 00:13:49,139
I don't think we would be this
close if we'd been separated.
351
00:13:49,172 --> 00:13:51,308
And besides, we had a lot
of fun sharing that room.
352
00:13:51,341 --> 00:13:52,209
Fun?
353
00:13:52,242 --> 00:13:53,610
It was awful.
354
00:13:53,643 --> 00:13:57,180
You used to pour warm water on
my blanket when I was sleeping.
355
00:13:57,214 --> 00:13:59,917
I thought I was a
bed-wetter till I was 12.
356
00:13:59,950 --> 00:14:02,419
Well, you were no
perfect sister anyways.
357
00:14:02,452 --> 00:14:04,587
You used to lock the door
when I'd stay out late.
358
00:14:04,621 --> 00:14:06,123
Then I'd have to come
home and ring the bell.
359
00:14:06,156 --> 00:14:07,257
And then Daddy would get up.
360
00:14:07,290 --> 00:14:09,392
And he'd, like, to talk to me.
361
00:14:09,426 --> 00:14:10,961
You started that rumor
I liked Ronnie Addison.
362
00:14:12,029 --> 00:14:13,596
Well, you did
like Ronny Addison.
363
00:14:13,630 --> 00:14:14,497
I did not.
364
00:14:14,531 --> 00:14:15,398
Yes you did.
365
00:14:15,432 --> 00:14:16,266
You're such a liar!
366
00:14:16,299 --> 00:14:18,435
It was written
all over your diary.
367
00:14:18,468 --> 00:14:20,738
Ronny Addison, he's so
cute, I just love him.
368
00:14:20,771 --> 00:14:21,638
He's so hot.
369
00:14:21,671 --> 00:14:23,373
You read my diary?
370
00:14:23,406 --> 00:14:25,008
No.
371
00:14:25,042 --> 00:14:26,309
You ready my diary.
372
00:14:26,343 --> 00:14:27,144
I have to work.
373
00:14:29,913 --> 00:14:31,414
Mom, I need your
employee discount card.
374
00:14:31,448 --> 00:14:32,983
Well, I'm trying
to work now, Darlene.
375
00:14:33,016 --> 00:14:34,852
Just give me a minute.
376
00:14:34,885 --> 00:14:38,722
Jackie, can I
borrow a credit card?
377
00:14:38,756 --> 00:14:39,823
What for?
378
00:14:39,857 --> 00:14:42,292
Well, I saw this great
stereo system, right?
379
00:14:42,325 --> 00:14:44,261
It's $1,000.
380
00:14:44,294 --> 00:14:48,498
So I use mom's ID, get 20%
off, then return it full price.
381
00:14:48,531 --> 00:14:50,133
I do that 5 times
and I can afford
382
00:14:50,167 --> 00:14:53,336
the stereo system for real.
383
00:14:53,370 --> 00:14:56,139
Not bad, huh?
384
00:14:56,173 --> 00:14:58,876
Darlene, that's illegal.
385
00:14:58,909 --> 00:14:59,943
How would you know?
386
00:14:59,977 --> 00:15:00,878
What?
387
00:15:00,911 --> 00:15:04,281
Am I sitting here
in a clown suit?
388
00:15:04,314 --> 00:15:06,183
Forget about it Darlene.
389
00:15:06,216 --> 00:15:07,951
Run along.
390
00:15:07,985 --> 00:15:10,153
I'm always going to be poor.
391
00:15:10,187 --> 00:15:15,092
Now, she'd need a
receipt for that, right?
392
00:15:15,125 --> 00:15:16,459
See.
There you go.
393
00:15:16,493 --> 00:15:17,360
See?
394
00:15:17,394 --> 00:15:18,728
See what?
395
00:15:18,762 --> 00:15:21,765
Darlene just walked right
by Becky, didn't say nothing.
396
00:15:21,799 --> 00:15:23,200
So she just walked by her.
397
00:15:23,233 --> 00:15:24,534
What's the big deal.
398
00:15:24,567 --> 00:15:27,704
Because normally when she'd
walk by she'd look at Becky,
399
00:15:27,737 --> 00:15:28,872
and she'd go, hi, geek and.
400
00:15:28,906 --> 00:15:31,141
Then Becky would go
drop dead, butch.
401
00:15:31,174 --> 00:15:33,343
You know, they'd
have a relationship.
402
00:15:33,376 --> 00:15:36,914
Roseanne, did you ever
wonder that maybe what's really
403
00:15:36,947 --> 00:15:40,017
bugging you here is
that Dan decided to put
404
00:15:40,050 --> 00:15:43,320
him in separate rooms, not you.
405
00:15:43,353 --> 00:15:44,221
That is ridiculous.
406
00:15:44,254 --> 00:15:45,522
No!
No, no.
407
00:15:45,555 --> 00:15:46,556
No.
408
00:15:46,589 --> 00:15:48,458
I think I might be
onto something here.
409
00:15:48,491 --> 00:15:50,861
Somebody else is calling
the shots on your turf
410
00:15:50,894 --> 00:15:52,662
and you don't like.
411
00:15:52,695 --> 00:15:53,563
Damn.
412
00:15:53,596 --> 00:15:55,065
Just may make detective yet.
413
00:15:58,969 --> 00:16:01,805
And you also may be the
first cop in history to ever
414
00:16:01,839 --> 00:16:02,906
pay for a cup of coffee.
415
00:16:05,275 --> 00:16:07,878
You're hopeless, Roseanne.
416
00:16:07,911 --> 00:16:09,279
Well, what am
I supposed to do?
417
00:16:09,312 --> 00:16:10,713
Just let everything
go to hell and let
418
00:16:10,747 --> 00:16:12,049
Dan do whatever he wants?
419
00:16:12,082 --> 00:16:13,817
Do you trust Dan?
420
00:16:13,851 --> 00:16:16,219
Do I have to?
421
00:16:16,253 --> 00:16:18,255
Well, you just got to let
him do what he thinks is right.
422
00:16:18,288 --> 00:16:20,858
OK, but like, what
if I just, you know--
423
00:16:20,891 --> 00:16:24,394
Look, you asked him to take
over so just let him do it.
424
00:16:24,427 --> 00:16:26,563
Let somebody else do it.
425
00:16:26,596 --> 00:16:27,464
I can't.
426
00:16:27,497 --> 00:16:29,166
That's because
you think you always
427
00:16:29,199 --> 00:16:31,835
have to be the strong one.
428
00:16:31,869 --> 00:16:33,536
I don't know how to be weak.
429
00:16:36,306 --> 00:16:38,441
Wait a minute.
430
00:16:38,475 --> 00:16:40,043
You're weak.
431
00:16:40,077 --> 00:16:42,946
Teach me.
432
00:16:42,980 --> 00:16:45,348
[music playing]
433
00:16:49,819 --> 00:16:50,753
Hi, babe.
434
00:16:50,787 --> 00:16:51,721
Hi.
435
00:16:51,754 --> 00:16:52,990
Hey, Mom.
436
00:16:53,023 --> 00:16:54,357
What's he doing up?
437
00:16:54,391 --> 00:16:55,692
We made a deal.
438
00:16:55,725 --> 00:16:58,061
DJ did the dishes, and I'm
letting him stay up a little.
439
00:16:58,095 --> 00:16:59,096
A deal?
440
00:16:59,129 --> 00:17:00,998
Let's go make some
coffee, Roseanne.
441
00:17:01,031 --> 00:17:02,565
He let DJ stay up late.
442
00:17:02,599 --> 00:17:03,766
Then it's going to
be, like, totally
443
00:17:03,800 --> 00:17:05,368
impossible for me to get
him up in the morning,
444
00:17:05,402 --> 00:17:06,303
and send him to school.
445
00:17:06,336 --> 00:17:07,404
That's going to
ruin my whole day.
446
00:17:07,437 --> 00:17:09,072
It'll be OK.
447
00:17:09,106 --> 00:17:10,473
And look at this.
448
00:17:10,507 --> 00:17:11,942
Why would he let
DJ do the dishes?
449
00:17:11,975 --> 00:17:12,976
It's covered with filth.
450
00:17:13,010 --> 00:17:13,877
Why would he do that?
451
00:17:13,911 --> 00:17:15,045
Breathe.
452
00:17:15,078 --> 00:17:16,346
OK.
453
00:17:16,379 --> 00:17:18,048
Roseanne, I know
the dishes are a mess.
454
00:17:18,081 --> 00:17:19,382
I was just waiting
for DJ to go to bed.
455
00:17:19,416 --> 00:17:20,283
I'll do them.
456
00:17:20,317 --> 00:17:21,651
See?
457
00:17:21,684 --> 00:17:24,854
Now, Dan, if DJ promised you
that he would do the dishes,
458
00:17:24,888 --> 00:17:26,489
what is he ever going to
learn if his father goes
459
00:17:26,523 --> 00:17:28,858
and does everything for him.
My god.
460
00:17:28,892 --> 00:17:29,792
Oh my god.
461
00:17:29,826 --> 00:17:31,528
Breathe.
462
00:17:31,561 --> 00:17:32,429
You breathe.
463
00:17:32,462 --> 00:17:33,363
I wanna go do the dishes.
464
00:17:33,396 --> 00:17:35,832
Roseanne, let him do it.
465
00:17:35,865 --> 00:17:40,070
Give them the power
over the dishes.
466
00:17:40,103 --> 00:17:42,605
But he does a lousy
job on the dishes.
467
00:17:42,639 --> 00:17:44,607
You do a lousy
job on the dishes.
468
00:17:44,641 --> 00:17:46,709
Yeah, but he's
going to leave spots.
469
00:17:46,743 --> 00:17:47,710
Roseanne, this is it.
470
00:17:47,744 --> 00:17:48,778
You're going to go in there.
471
00:17:48,811 --> 00:17:50,180
You're going to watch
Dan do the dishes.
472
00:17:50,213 --> 00:17:51,781
And you're not going
to do anything.
473
00:17:51,814 --> 00:17:52,983
You understand?
474
00:17:59,589 --> 00:18:01,158
Honey you want me to dry?
475
00:18:01,191 --> 00:18:02,392
Nah, thanks.
476
00:18:02,425 --> 00:18:05,228
I'm just going to leave
them in the rack to air dry.
477
00:18:05,262 --> 00:18:08,031
(WHEEZILY) Spots.
478
00:18:08,065 --> 00:18:09,899
Spots.
479
00:18:09,933 --> 00:18:11,201
Mom, I can't find
the extra blankets.
480
00:18:11,234 --> 00:18:12,535
Where do you keep them?
481
00:18:12,569 --> 00:18:13,536
Ask your father.
482
00:18:13,570 --> 00:18:14,437
Good.
483
00:18:14,471 --> 00:18:16,139
Good.
484
00:18:16,173 --> 00:18:17,040
Dad?
485
00:18:17,074 --> 00:18:17,975
You going to bed already?
486
00:18:18,008 --> 00:18:18,875
What bed?
487
00:18:18,908 --> 00:18:20,010
I'm trying to do my math.
488
00:18:20,043 --> 00:18:21,911
It's freezing down there.
489
00:18:21,945 --> 00:18:23,313
[laughing]
490
00:18:23,346 --> 00:18:26,849
Darlene, you didn't come up here
because you were cold, did you?
491
00:18:26,883 --> 00:18:28,285
Yeah, I did.
492
00:18:28,318 --> 00:18:30,687
I think you're just
using that as an excuse
493
00:18:30,720 --> 00:18:33,390
to go back to your old
room, isn't that true?
494
00:18:33,423 --> 00:18:35,525
No.
495
00:18:35,558 --> 00:18:36,960
Are you making me move back?
496
00:18:36,994 --> 00:18:40,730
I am just over here
breathing with Aunt Jackie?
497
00:18:40,763 --> 00:18:42,665
Darlene, Girl you can
stay in the basement as
498
00:18:42,699 --> 00:18:45,602
long as you want, if you want.
499
00:18:45,635 --> 00:18:48,271
Well, it's kind of,
like, lonely down there.
500
00:18:48,305 --> 00:18:50,307
And I would move back
upstairs, but Becky's just
501
00:18:50,340 --> 00:18:52,609
going to say it's her room and
I'm moving back because I miss
502
00:18:52,642 --> 00:18:54,511
her, and need her, and dweeb,
dweeb, dweeb, dweeb, dweeb,
503
00:18:54,544 --> 00:18:55,345
dweeb, dweeb.
504
00:18:57,514 --> 00:19:00,550
I'll tell you what, why
don't you blame it on me?
505
00:19:00,583 --> 00:19:03,220
Tell her I said the
basement was too cold.
506
00:19:03,253 --> 00:19:04,121
All right.
507
00:19:04,154 --> 00:19:05,022
Thanks Dad.
508
00:19:05,055 --> 00:19:05,955
Anytime.
509
00:19:05,989 --> 00:19:06,956
Hey, Becky.
510
00:19:06,990 --> 00:19:08,291
Dad's making me move back.
511
00:19:08,325 --> 00:19:10,027
So get your crap off of my crap.
512
00:19:13,096 --> 00:19:15,598
Thank you, thank
you, no applause.
513
00:19:15,632 --> 00:19:17,234
Oh, yeah, right.
514
00:19:17,267 --> 00:19:19,769
Like you planned
she would get cold.
515
00:19:19,802 --> 00:19:22,305
Rosie, Rosie, Rosie.
516
00:19:22,339 --> 00:19:24,607
She didn't come up here
because she was cold.
517
00:19:24,641 --> 00:19:27,110
The basement's heated.
518
00:19:27,144 --> 00:19:29,646
She just needed an excuse
to go back to her old room.
519
00:19:29,679 --> 00:19:31,114
I'm surprised you
didn't pick up on that.
520
00:19:31,148 --> 00:19:36,353
But then, not everyone can be as
perfect a parent as Dan Conner.
521
00:19:36,386 --> 00:19:39,922
Oh I'm truly humbled
by your magnificence.
522
00:19:39,956 --> 00:19:44,961
As am I. And you know, I
think I'll let these old dishes
523
00:19:44,994 --> 00:19:46,563
wait until the morning.
524
00:19:46,596 --> 00:19:49,432
Ladies.
525
00:19:49,466 --> 00:19:50,833
I'm amazed, Roseanne.
526
00:19:50,867 --> 00:19:51,934
You just stayed back.
527
00:19:51,968 --> 00:19:53,536
You let Dan handle that.
528
00:19:53,570 --> 00:19:54,437
Mm-hmm.
529
00:19:54,471 --> 00:19:55,405
May I do the dishes now?
530
00:19:55,438 --> 00:19:56,439
You've earned it.
531
00:19:56,473 --> 00:19:57,340
Thank you.
532
00:20:05,448 --> 00:20:08,285
Oh, say, sis.
533
00:20:08,318 --> 00:20:09,852
You might want to turn
the heat in the basement
534
00:20:09,886 --> 00:20:12,155
back up with that little
thermostat deal over there.
535
00:20:15,858 --> 00:20:18,461
You little sneak.
536
00:20:18,495 --> 00:20:21,298
Thank you, thank
you, no applause.
537
00:20:21,331 --> 00:20:22,265
[music playing]
538
00:20:22,299 --> 00:20:24,667
[applause]
539
00:20:28,705 --> 00:20:32,209
Yeah, but remember how you
taught me to put lipstick on?
540
00:20:32,242 --> 00:20:37,914
Not on the lips, around the lips
so it wouldn't smear when I got
541
00:20:37,947 --> 00:20:39,516
kissed.
542
00:20:39,549 --> 00:20:41,218
God you were stupid.
543
00:20:41,251 --> 00:20:43,386
I trusted you.
544
00:20:43,420 --> 00:20:45,655
Well you were no angelic
little sister yourself.
545
00:20:45,688 --> 00:20:46,989
What did I ever do to you?
546
00:20:47,023 --> 00:20:49,526
Oh, I start going out with
Dan and you go and tell him
547
00:20:49,559 --> 00:20:51,361
you're my daughter.
548
00:20:51,394 --> 00:20:52,662
[laughing]
549
00:20:52,695 --> 00:20:54,897
He was stupid.
550
00:20:54,931 --> 00:20:58,401
And what about your
imaginary sister?
551
00:20:58,435 --> 00:20:59,569
My imaginary sister?
552
00:20:59,602 --> 00:21:01,404
You made her up.
553
00:21:01,438 --> 00:21:05,475
Oh, yeah, well, if she
was my imaginary sister she
554
00:21:05,508 --> 00:21:07,009
was your imaginary sister too.
555
00:21:07,043 --> 00:21:10,547
Yeah, but she'd
only talk to you.
556
00:21:10,580 --> 00:21:13,216
That's because she
hated you, Jackie.
557
00:21:13,250 --> 00:21:14,651
Roseanne.
558
00:21:14,684 --> 00:21:16,686
It was all I
could do to keep her
559
00:21:16,719 --> 00:21:19,822
from killing you in your sleep.
560
00:21:19,856 --> 00:21:20,957
Just admit it.
561
00:21:20,990 --> 00:21:23,626
You were the rottenest
sister ever born.
562
00:21:23,660 --> 00:21:27,029
Well, I don't believe I have
to sit here and take that,
563
00:21:27,063 --> 00:21:28,097
and neither do you, Vanessa.
564
00:21:30,967 --> 00:21:32,735
Very funny.
565
00:21:32,769 --> 00:21:35,138
Now don't say that Vanessa,
you'll hurt hr feelings.
566
00:21:35,172 --> 00:21:37,707
She likes wearing
her hair like that.
567
00:21:37,740 --> 00:21:39,476
Just grow up, OK?
568
00:21:41,411 --> 00:21:42,212
Hey!
569
00:21:44,747 --> 00:21:46,082
What'd she say about my hair?
570
00:21:46,115 --> 00:21:47,217
[music playing]
571
00:21:48,218 --> 00:21:49,619
[applause]
572
00:21:55,725 --> 00:21:58,361
[sound effect playing]
573
00:21:58,411 --> 00:22:02,961
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