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1
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Adult Adam: Ah, going away to college.
2
00:00:02,025 --> 00:00:03,515
Back in the day, packing up your life
3
00:00:03,540 --> 00:00:05,054
for a fresh start was a sacred ritual
4
00:00:05,079 --> 00:00:07,164
for high-school seniors everywhere.
5
00:00:07,189 --> 00:00:10,812
And no one was more excited to
go away forever than my sister.
6
00:00:10,927 --> 00:00:12,827
Okay, I'm all packed for college.
7
00:00:13,062 --> 00:00:14,839
Now all I need is to befriend my R.A.
8
00:00:14,864 --> 00:00:16,831
so that I can throw a
kegger without consequences.
9
00:00:16,856 --> 00:00:18,539
[Chuckles] Well, you're
three months early.
10
00:00:18,564 --> 00:00:20,476
You haven't even
graduated high school yet.
11
00:00:20,501 --> 00:00:22,507
I may have jumped the gun a bit,
12
00:00:22,570 --> 00:00:24,326
but it's only because I'm
counting down the hours
13
00:00:24,351 --> 00:00:25,664
until I get out of this
hellhole. You get it.
14
00:00:25,689 --> 00:00:27,734
Well, I still have three
months left where you're
15
00:00:27,759 --> 00:00:29,781
my little baby schmoo
that I want to gobble up
16
00:00:29,806 --> 00:00:31,338
because you're just so
delicious! Nyum, nyum, nyum,
17
00:00:31,363 --> 00:00:32,874
- nyum, nyum, nyum, nyum!
- Aww.
18
00:00:32,899 --> 00:00:35,023
Your mom-brain is
fighting this. It's funny.
19
00:00:35,048 --> 00:00:37,244
There's nothing funny
about losing a child...
20
00:00:37,473 --> 00:00:39,143
- to college.
- Mom, face it.
21
00:00:39,192 --> 00:00:40,790
Our family is changing.
22
00:00:40,974 --> 00:00:43,041
Everything that you've come to
know over the past few years
23
00:00:43,087 --> 00:00:44,578
is about to be turned on its head.
24
00:00:44,603 --> 00:00:45,869
Don't say that!
25
00:00:45,894 --> 00:00:47,968
The Goldbergs will always stay the same!
26
00:00:47,993 --> 00:00:49,759
Nothing will ever change in this house.
27
00:00:49,784 --> 00:00:52,223
Nothing except Lainey
leaving for fashion school
28
00:00:52,248 --> 00:00:54,008
and basically taking
a dump on my dreams.
29
00:00:54,048 --> 00:00:56,615
Okay, fine. I acknowledge
that's also big.
30
00:00:56,692 --> 00:00:58,105
Erica and Lainey
31
00:00:58,271 --> 00:01:00,208
are going to college. But that's it...
32
00:01:00,344 --> 00:01:01,309
No more changes.
33
00:01:01,334 --> 00:01:03,034
Hey, Ma, can you pick
up some Bic razors?
34
00:01:03,059 --> 00:01:05,059
Mine's a little dull from
scraping the old scruff.
35
00:01:05,084 --> 00:01:07,286
No! Bad boy! You do not shave!
36
00:01:07,311 --> 00:01:09,794
I gotta. My old lady,
Jackie, likes me smooth.
37
00:01:09,819 --> 00:01:12,133
- But I'm your old lady.
- You know, saying that
38
00:01:12,158 --> 00:01:14,145
kind of stuff was cute
when I was a tiny child,
39
00:01:14,170 --> 00:01:15,804
- but now it's getting weird.
- Fine.
40
00:01:15,895 --> 00:01:17,702
Erica and Lainey are leaving.
41
00:01:17,727 --> 00:01:20,181
My little baby boy has
grown into a gangly,
42
00:01:20,206 --> 00:01:22,773
deep-voiced, furry young man.
43
00:01:22,933 --> 00:01:24,499
But that's it... no more changes.
44
00:01:24,524 --> 00:01:26,934
Look out, everybody. Make way!
45
00:01:26,959 --> 00:01:29,848
Erica said that I can have her
room now that she's gone, right?
46
00:01:29,873 --> 00:01:32,155
- Oh, right. You're here, too.
- That's right. From now on,
47
00:01:32,180 --> 00:01:36,020
it's gonna be W-M-A-R-V
playing all the hits.
48
00:01:36,045 --> 00:01:37,511
I'm calling the shots now, Bev.
49
00:01:37,536 --> 00:01:39,135
Screw it! I give up!
50
00:01:39,383 --> 00:01:41,520
Nothing will ever be the
same again in this house!
51
00:01:41,545 --> 00:01:44,747
I'm home! Nobody bother me!
52
00:01:45,299 --> 00:01:46,732
TV's mine!
53
00:01:48,371 --> 00:01:51,472
Never change, you
beautiful, miserable man!
54
00:02:05,387 --> 00:02:07,454
It was May 17, 1980-something,
55
00:02:07,479 --> 00:02:08,978
and I was with my favorite girl,
56
00:02:09,003 --> 00:02:10,809
watching my favorite film franchise.
57
00:02:10,834 --> 00:02:12,278
I don't want to overstate it,
58
00:02:12,303 --> 00:02:14,437
but "Police Academy 2:
Their First Assignment"
59
00:02:14,462 --> 00:02:16,762
is literally the most
important movie of our time.
60
00:02:16,787 --> 00:02:18,187
Sure, it's a critical darling,
61
00:02:18,212 --> 00:02:20,461
but if we're talking about
laughs per minute, then you
62
00:02:20,486 --> 00:02:22,270
got to go with "Police
Academy 3: Back in Training."
63
00:02:22,295 --> 00:02:24,448
Point taken. Hey, do you
have time to stay and watch
64
00:02:24,473 --> 00:02:26,168
"Police Academy 4: Citizens on Patrol"?
65
00:02:26,193 --> 00:02:28,927
Obviously. "Police Academy 5:
Assignment: Miami Beach"
66
00:02:28,952 --> 00:02:30,895
comes out tomorrow, and
we can't go in unprepared.
67
00:02:30,920 --> 00:02:32,841
Oh, my God! I have a girlfriend
68
00:02:32,866 --> 00:02:34,399
who actually likes "Police Academy"!
69
00:02:34,546 --> 00:02:36,318
You just called me your girlfriend.
70
00:02:36,342 --> 00:02:38,958
Oh, balls. Did I go... I went
too far. I went too far.
71
00:02:38,983 --> 00:02:41,260
I mean, no. You said it, so
72
00:02:41,431 --> 00:02:43,052
I'll say it, too. [Chuckles]
73
00:02:44,258 --> 00:02:45,564
- Boyfriend.
- Girlfriend.
74
00:02:45,589 --> 00:02:46,633
- Boyfriend.
- Girlfriend.
75
00:02:46,658 --> 00:02:48,058
- Boyfriend.
- A-girlfriend.
76
00:02:48,083 --> 00:02:49,226
- Boyfriend.
- Girlfriend!
77
00:02:49,251 --> 00:02:51,523
Damn it! Why do you insist
78
00:02:51,548 --> 00:02:54,049
on ripping my heart
from my shredded pecs
79
00:02:54,074 --> 00:02:56,164
and punting it into a
cauldron of flames?
80
00:02:56,189 --> 00:02:57,766
Look, we only have a few months
81
00:02:57,791 --> 00:03:00,164
left before I go to college!
Let's not waste it fighting!
82
00:03:00,189 --> 00:03:03,090
But I want our Barry/Lainey
Summer of Love Farewell Tour
83
00:03:03,115 --> 00:03:05,331
- to be perfect!
- And I want that, too,
84
00:03:05,356 --> 00:03:07,723
but this list of mandatory
activities is just too much.
85
00:03:07,748 --> 00:03:10,797
I mean, come on. Look at this...
Road trips, picnics, concerts, skiing,
86
00:03:10,822 --> 00:03:12,602
apple picking, berry
picking, pear picking...
87
00:03:12,627 --> 00:03:14,117
So many fruits. I don't
want to work this hard.
88
00:03:15,414 --> 00:03:16,148
[Clears throat loudly] Hi.
89
00:03:16,450 --> 00:03:18,750
This sounds like an intensely
personal conversation,
90
00:03:18,775 --> 00:03:20,224
so you may want to take it
91
00:03:20,289 --> 00:03:22,904
far, far away from me and my girlfriend.
92
00:03:22,929 --> 00:03:24,047
- Boyfriend.
- Girlfriend.
93
00:03:24,072 --> 00:03:25,437
- Boyfriend.
- Girlfriend.
94
00:03:29,650 --> 00:03:30,906
Look at us!
95
00:03:31,048 --> 00:03:33,549
Look at us closely and know that one day
96
00:03:33,574 --> 00:03:36,320
you'll end up just like us,
you ridiculous children.
97
00:03:36,345 --> 00:03:37,978
This is getting weird and insulting.
98
00:03:38,003 --> 00:03:41,087
All right. You'll see. We're the
future you, and it sucks hard.
99
00:03:41,387 --> 00:03:42,703
That'll never be us, right?
100
00:03:42,728 --> 00:03:45,244
Come on. We're rock-solid.
Nothing can shake that.
101
00:03:45,617 --> 00:03:46,562
- Boyfriend.
- Girlfriend.
102
00:03:46,587 --> 00:03:49,022
- [Chuckling] Boyfriend. Boyfriend.
- Girlfriend. Girlfriend.
103
00:03:49,047 --> 00:03:52,250
It was official. I had a girlfriend
who liked "Police Academy."
104
00:03:52,275 --> 00:03:54,731
Life was finally looking
up until this happened.
105
00:03:54,756 --> 00:03:56,065
- Oh, balls.
- Adam?
106
00:03:56,090 --> 00:03:57,821
Yep. We've all been
there... Running into
107
00:03:57,846 --> 00:04:00,946
your ex with your new love.
Naturally, I handled it like a pro.
108
00:04:00,971 --> 00:04:02,938
Dana! Hey!
109
00:04:02,963 --> 00:04:05,419
How are things going up in here?
110
00:04:06,056 --> 00:04:07,141
I was gonna call.
111
00:04:07,166 --> 00:04:09,030
- I'm back for the summer.
- This summer?
112
00:04:09,055 --> 00:04:12,758
That's crazy! I'm crazy! Summer!
113
00:04:12,783 --> 00:04:15,751
Hot times! Fun in the sun!
114
00:04:15,830 --> 00:04:16,755
Camp.
115
00:04:19,251 --> 00:04:21,482
- I'm Jackie.
- Hi. Dana.
116
00:04:21,507 --> 00:04:23,607
Sorry! Yes! Jackie, meet Dana!
117
00:04:23,632 --> 00:04:26,966
Dana, meet Jackie!
Introductions, new friends...
118
00:04:26,991 --> 00:04:29,156
Not friends, just street ladies,
119
00:04:29,181 --> 00:04:31,214
ladies of the street. No.
You know what I mean.
120
00:04:31,620 --> 00:04:32,769
Well, when you're free,
we should get together
121
00:04:32,794 --> 00:04:34,128
- and catch up.
- Ketchup!
122
00:04:34,553 --> 00:04:36,753
? Mustard, pickles ?
123
00:04:36,778 --> 00:04:39,828
? Onions on a sesame-seed bun ?
124
00:04:40,382 --> 00:04:42,723
Welp, great seeing everybody. Bye, now.
125
00:04:43,905 --> 00:04:45,919
Wait! What about "Police Academy"?!
126
00:04:45,944 --> 00:04:48,564
As I desperately escaped my
worst nightmare, my mom was
127
00:04:48,589 --> 00:04:50,695
dreaming up ways to spend
the summer with her baby.
128
00:04:50,720 --> 00:04:53,730
Erica and Geoff. So funny
running into you here.
129
00:04:53,755 --> 00:04:56,745
- Damn it. She's got the chalkboard!
- Oh, no. I'm upset, but why?
130
00:04:56,770 --> 00:04:59,050
That thing only comes out when
someone wants something dumb
131
00:04:59,075 --> 00:05:00,592
that only makes sense with a visual aid.
132
00:05:00,617 --> 00:05:03,176
Hey, there's nothing dumb
about my Cuddle Calendar.
133
00:05:03,201 --> 00:05:04,801
Oh, God, it's got a catchy,
but terrible name. Run,
134
00:05:04,826 --> 00:05:06,653
Geoff. Shield your
innocent eyes! Go, go, go!
135
00:05:06,678 --> 00:05:08,348
I can't! The board's
blocking us! We're trapped!
136
00:05:08,373 --> 00:05:11,161
According to my calculations,
you have 63 days left
137
00:05:11,186 --> 00:05:12,583
before you leave this house
138
00:05:12,608 --> 00:05:14,723
and break my heart, litelly
139
00:05:14,787 --> 00:05:16,119
killing me dead,
140
00:05:16,269 --> 00:05:17,801
which is why I made this schedule...
141
00:05:17,826 --> 00:05:19,726
To maximize mommy-daughter time.
142
00:05:19,751 --> 00:05:22,387
Okay, according to this
ridiculous calendar,
143
00:05:22,412 --> 00:05:24,813
I'm spending every
waking second with you.
144
00:05:24,906 --> 00:05:27,982
- When do I hang out with Geoff?
- Well, you see that little sliver?
145
00:05:28,274 --> 00:05:30,424
Right there is a little sliver.
146
00:05:30,755 --> 00:05:32,536
Well, maybe you don't
see it, but it says "G.S."
147
00:05:32,561 --> 00:05:34,926
- Oh, that's me. I get Erica time.
- Bro, let me handle this.
148
00:05:34,951 --> 00:05:36,404
- Check.
- Okay, here.
149
00:05:36,429 --> 00:05:38,473
Let me draw you a chart of my own.
150
00:05:39,544 --> 00:05:41,200
This circle represents
how I'll be splitting up
151
00:05:41,225 --> 00:05:43,908
- the rest of my time.
- Erica, please.
152
00:05:44,510 --> 00:05:46,130
I'm just gonna miss you so much.
153
00:05:46,155 --> 00:05:48,997
I need to spend as much
time with you as I can.
154
00:05:49,022 --> 00:05:50,849
Babe, as much as I love
your circle of Geoff,
155
00:05:50,874 --> 00:05:53,590
I couldn't enjoy it knowing
it's killing your mom.
156
00:05:54,204 --> 00:05:56,887
I'll be back for my sliver. Until then,
157
00:05:57,100 --> 00:05:59,524
- be with her.
- No! Stop feeling so deeply!
158
00:05:59,549 --> 00:06:01,795
It's what I love about you,
but it's very inconvenient
159
00:06:01,820 --> 00:06:03,575
- right now! Gah!
- [Door closes]
160
00:06:04,022 --> 00:06:05,442
This is exactly why I can't wait
161
00:06:05,467 --> 00:06:07,000
to leave this house and never come back.
162
00:06:07,025 --> 00:06:10,012
Oh, poop. We both know
you're gonna miss my cuddles
163
00:06:10,037 --> 00:06:12,192
and snuggies and plubbies next year.
164
00:06:12,217 --> 00:06:14,206
- I'm sorry. "Plubbies"?
- It's something I've been
165
00:06:14,231 --> 00:06:16,362
workshopping, and I think
it's ready to go. [Chuckles]
166
00:06:16,538 --> 00:06:18,667
- Guard your belly button.
- Gah!
167
00:06:20,062 --> 00:06:21,473
- Hey.
- Hey.
168
00:06:21,875 --> 00:06:23,207
Look, I'm sorry.
169
00:06:23,232 --> 00:06:25,032
Dana was my first real girlfriend,
170
00:06:25,057 --> 00:06:26,520
and seeing her took me by surprise.
171
00:06:26,545 --> 00:06:27,807
That's all. I swear.
172
00:06:28,045 --> 00:06:29,865
- It's okay. I-I get it.
- You do?
173
00:06:29,890 --> 00:06:31,290
Yeah. It's... It's still weird
174
00:06:31,315 --> 00:06:32,965
between me and my old boyfriend.
175
00:06:34,850 --> 00:06:36,247
Uh, where is he?
176
00:06:36,272 --> 00:06:37,905
All I see is Ruben Amaro Jr.
177
00:06:37,930 --> 00:06:40,780
- Casually displaying his athleticism.
- Yeah. That's my ex.
178
00:06:40,805 --> 00:06:43,098
Wait. You were with Ruben Amaro Jr.,
179
00:06:43,123 --> 00:06:45,023
the Ruben Amaro Jr.?
180
00:06:45,048 --> 00:06:47,161
From seventh to ninth grade. Why?
181
00:06:47,186 --> 00:06:48,752
You spanned three grades with the guy
182
00:06:48,777 --> 00:06:50,777
who isn't afraid to change
into his gym clothes
183
00:06:50,802 --> 00:06:53,085
without a towel around
his waist? This is not okay!
184
00:06:53,110 --> 00:06:55,176
Oh, so, you can be weird around Dana,
185
00:06:55,201 --> 00:06:56,734
but I can't be weird around my ex?
186
00:06:56,759 --> 00:06:59,088
I'm not worried about you
being weird. I'm worried about
187
00:06:59,113 --> 00:07:01,981
- you two still having a spark.
- I didn't say there was a spark.
188
00:07:02,006 --> 00:07:04,006
It's Ruben Amaro Jr.
189
00:07:04,166 --> 00:07:06,233
Even I feel a spark when he walks by.
190
00:07:06,258 --> 00:07:08,158
Okay, is this what's going on with Dana?
191
00:07:08,183 --> 00:07:09,622
Do you still have feelings for her?
192
00:07:09,647 --> 00:07:11,723
Don't try to turn this around on me.
193
00:07:11,748 --> 00:07:13,473
I'm still turning this around on you.
194
00:07:13,498 --> 00:07:14,830
Okay, you're being insane,
195
00:07:14,855 --> 00:07:17,583
so have fun figuring
things out with your ex
196
00:07:17,608 --> 00:07:19,610
and don't let me be a part of it.
197
00:07:19,942 --> 00:07:21,309
Told you, bro.
198
00:07:21,453 --> 00:07:24,090
- All love ends.
- Stop! We'll work it out.
199
00:07:24,115 --> 00:07:26,648
No, you won't. You'll
just end up like me,
200
00:07:26,673 --> 00:07:28,406
sniffing a sweater
Lainey left in my room
201
00:07:28,431 --> 00:07:30,520
- to remind me of her.
- That's Mom's.
202
00:07:30,586 --> 00:07:31,688
No!
203
00:07:31,713 --> 00:07:33,614
Time was running out
for Barry and Lainey,
204
00:07:33,639 --> 00:07:35,572
and the same was true
for Geoff and Erica.
205
00:07:35,597 --> 00:07:38,270
Just look at everyone,
cleaning out lockers,
206
00:07:38,295 --> 00:07:40,934
signing yearbooks, saying goodbye.
207
00:07:41,499 --> 00:07:43,559
Let's cherish these moments, people!
208
00:07:43,584 --> 00:07:46,318
Cherish my butt! You suck, Schwartz!
209
00:07:46,471 --> 00:07:47,348
Sorry.
210
00:07:47,530 --> 00:07:50,387
That was uncalled for. I have
a hard time with transitions.
211
00:07:51,453 --> 00:07:53,036
Why are you the one freaking out here?
212
00:07:53,061 --> 00:07:55,356
- I'm graduating, not you.
- I can't help it.
213
00:07:55,381 --> 00:07:56,956
Don't you realize this is the last time
214
00:07:56,981 --> 00:07:58,881
we'll ever walk down
this hallway together?
215
00:07:58,975 --> 00:08:01,895
Last time we'll ever reach
your locker side-by-side?
216
00:08:01,920 --> 00:08:03,987
Last time I'll ever
watch your nose crinkle
217
00:08:04,012 --> 00:08:05,161
as you spin that lock?
218
00:08:06,512 --> 00:08:08,723
Last time I overlook
that you might be gross?
219
00:08:08,748 --> 00:08:11,176
Okay, please stop narrating
all my last things.
220
00:08:11,201 --> 00:08:12,747
There is so much stuff in here.
221
00:08:12,772 --> 00:08:14,270
What's with all these
notes from your mom?
222
00:08:14,295 --> 00:08:17,026
She put one in my lunch
every day like a crazy lady,
223
00:08:17,051 --> 00:08:19,162
- and I just chuck them in here.
- "Dear Schmoo,
224
00:08:19,187 --> 00:08:21,392
"I love you more today
than I ever have before.
225
00:08:21,417 --> 00:08:24,112
- "I am here for you always."
- Okay, that one's kind of sweet.
226
00:08:24,137 --> 00:08:25,670
"Dear Boopie, you're a perfect angel,
227
00:08:25,695 --> 00:08:27,308
"and Drew Kremp doesn't deserve you.
228
00:08:27,333 --> 00:08:30,089
"P.S. ... His Mustang now
has some serious scratches"?
229
00:08:30,190 --> 00:08:32,392
Holy crap. She's the one
who keyed Drew's car?!
230
00:08:32,417 --> 00:08:34,417
"Dear Squishy, I know change
is hard, but I promise you,
231
00:08:34,442 --> 00:08:36,542
"sweetie, your boobies will
grow just like the rest of you."
232
00:08:36,567 --> 00:08:37,972
Okay, maybe I shouldn't read all these.
233
00:08:37,997 --> 00:08:40,837
Wow. I should have paid a
bit more attention to these.
234
00:08:41,915 --> 00:08:42,878
You okay?
235
00:08:43,522 --> 00:08:44,870
I'm really not.
236
00:08:45,031 --> 00:08:46,531
I just realized...
237
00:08:46,626 --> 00:08:48,456
My mom is amazing.
238
00:08:48,872 --> 00:08:50,739
I'm gonna miss her so damn much!
239
00:08:50,764 --> 00:08:52,177
- What?
- She's always been
240
00:08:52,202 --> 00:08:54,104
there for me. How will I
survive without her?
241
00:08:54,129 --> 00:08:55,315
Maybe you should ask her.
242
00:08:55,378 --> 00:08:57,411
Don't be mad. I'm not
here to bother you.
243
00:08:57,436 --> 00:08:58,903
I'm just subbing for Se ora Gomez.
244
00:08:58,928 --> 00:09:01,528
But I did make you these
marshmallow fudge chubbies.
245
00:09:01,698 --> 00:09:03,465
Adi s, mija. [Smooches]
246
00:09:04,168 --> 00:09:05,698
- So good.
- I know.
247
00:09:06,057 --> 00:09:08,300
These are my last
marshmallow fudge chubbies.
248
00:09:09,082 --> 00:09:10,480
God, I hate her so much for
249
00:09:10,505 --> 00:09:12,103
making me love her like this!
250
00:09:13,022 --> 00:09:14,632
The big day was here...
251
00:09:14,657 --> 00:09:17,180
Gaduation. It was a time
to celebrate the past,
252
00:09:17,205 --> 00:09:19,401
look forward to the
future, and, for my family,
253
00:09:19,426 --> 00:09:20,943
be irritated in the present.
254
00:09:20,968 --> 00:09:22,499
Bev, stop with the crying.
255
00:09:22,524 --> 00:09:24,042
I can't hear the children
256
00:09:24,067 --> 00:09:26,019
- say stupid things.
- [Sobbing]
257
00:09:26,044 --> 00:09:27,886
But my baby is graduating
258
00:09:27,911 --> 00:09:29,362
from high school,
259
00:09:29,387 --> 00:09:31,175
a day I've been dreading since
260
00:09:31,200 --> 00:09:33,526
she graduated from my body.
261
00:09:33,551 --> 00:09:34,894
She's gone forever!
262
00:09:34,919 --> 00:09:37,653
Hoo-hoo! One down, two to go!
263
00:09:37,678 --> 00:09:39,511
I think both of your attitudes
264
00:09:39,536 --> 00:09:42,371
are very extreme and terrible.
265
00:09:42,396 --> 00:09:44,830
And now the moment we've
all been waiting for...
266
00:09:44,913 --> 00:09:47,447
I'd like to invite our
graduating seniors
267
00:09:47,472 --> 00:09:48,923
to get in line
268
00:09:48,948 --> 00:09:50,694
and receive their diploma.
269
00:09:53,827 --> 00:09:55,454
[Sighs heavily] I can't
believe my baby's
270
00:09:55,479 --> 00:09:56,855
going off to college in just a few days.
271
00:09:56,880 --> 00:09:58,701
You mean a few months.
272
00:09:59,394 --> 00:10:01,300
Uh, sure. Months.
273
00:10:01,335 --> 00:10:02,847
Not on Tuesday morning
274
00:10:02,872 --> 00:10:04,331
- before traffic gets bad.
- What?
275
00:10:04,356 --> 00:10:06,675
I didn't borrow my cousin
Greg's flatbed truck.
276
00:10:06,700 --> 00:10:09,214
- So, yeah, months.
- It sounds like you borrowed
277
00:10:09,239 --> 00:10:10,874
your cousin Greg's flatbed truck
278
00:10:10,899 --> 00:10:12,315
'cause my girlfriend
is leaving on Tuesday.
279
00:10:12,340 --> 00:10:14,389
- You should talk to Lainey.
- Lainey!
280
00:10:14,414 --> 00:10:16,058
- I didn't mean now.
- Sit down!
281
00:10:16,083 --> 00:10:18,245
What is this about you
leaving in a few days?!
282
00:10:18,270 --> 00:10:20,169
Mr. Goldberg, could you please
283
00:10:20,194 --> 00:10:22,394
not interrupt our joyous ceremony?!
284
00:10:22,419 --> 00:10:24,219
Oh, God. He knows I'm
leaving early for Savannah.
285
00:10:24,244 --> 00:10:25,815
- How does he know?
- I'm sorry, baby!
286
00:10:25,840 --> 00:10:28,378
- He got it out of me!
- William Vanica. Dang it!
287
00:10:28,403 --> 00:10:30,464
If you're not graduating, take a seat!
288
00:10:30,489 --> 00:10:32,261
Oh, crap! He's on the move!
289
00:10:32,286 --> 00:10:34,847
- He's coming over. What do I do?
- I don't know, man.
290
00:10:34,872 --> 00:10:36,241
I got a really deep emotional
291
00:10:36,266 --> 00:10:38,355
thing with my mommy going on.
I'm, like, not okay in the head.
292
00:10:38,380 --> 00:10:41,151
Dude, how could you leave
early and not tell me?
293
00:10:41,176 --> 00:10:43,959
I'll explain everything when the
time is right, which is not now!
294
00:10:43,984 --> 00:10:46,519
No! No way! Do not walk away from me.
295
00:10:46,544 --> 00:10:47,355
I'm not walking away.
296
00:10:47,380 --> 00:10:49,881
I'm slowly and deliberately
marching to receive my diploma.
297
00:10:49,906 --> 00:10:52,378
Joyce Basilone. Congratulations.
298
00:10:53,259 --> 00:10:56,612
Mr. Goldberg, you are not
part of the processional.
299
00:10:56,637 --> 00:10:57,894
Do not process!
300
00:10:57,919 --> 00:10:59,969
This was supposed to be
our Barry/Lainey Summer
301
00:10:59,994 --> 00:11:02,214
- of Love Farewell Tour! Now it's done!
- I was gonna tell you at
302
00:11:02,239 --> 00:11:04,283
the graduation party 'cause
I didn't want to ruin today,
303
00:11:04,308 --> 00:11:05,967
which is exactly what
you're doing right now!
304
00:11:05,992 --> 00:11:07,581
Lainey Lewis.
305
00:11:07,606 --> 00:11:09,476
- Not the time, man!
- You know what?
306
00:11:09,501 --> 00:11:11,737
- Maybe it's best I'm leaving early.
- Maybe it is!
307
00:11:12,314 --> 00:11:14,992
[Voice breaking] Thank you
so much. I'm very happy.
308
00:11:15,017 --> 00:11:18,151
You're not the only one whose
life is crumbling, you big butt!
309
00:11:19,136 --> 00:11:21,397
And we'll just move right along to...
310
00:11:22,177 --> 00:11:23,547
... Erica Goldberg.
311
00:11:23,572 --> 00:11:26,039
My sister was steps away
from starting her adult life,
312
00:11:26,064 --> 00:11:28,056
but as she stood
speechless on that stage,
313
00:11:28,081 --> 00:11:30,137
- nothing scared her more.
- Yeah, I'm good.
314
00:11:30,162 --> 00:11:32,051
Erica, please let's just end this.
315
00:11:32,076 --> 00:11:33,624
- Just take it.
- No.
316
00:11:33,649 --> 00:11:34,912
- Take the diploma.
- Pass.
317
00:11:34,937 --> 00:11:37,531
- You can't pass.
- But I can, and I do.
318
00:11:37,556 --> 00:11:39,256
- Take it.
- Take the diploma!
319
00:11:39,281 --> 00:11:41,401
- No. Come on. Come on. Come on.
- Don't come at me with that diploma.
320
00:11:41,426 --> 00:11:43,698
- You take this!
- No! Fight it! Fight that diploma!
321
00:11:43,723 --> 00:11:45,023
- Take this. You earned it.
- Never!
322
00:11:45,048 --> 00:11:46,878
No fighting, just graduating!
323
00:11:46,921 --> 00:11:48,667
Seriously, it's a great moment for you!
324
00:11:48,692 --> 00:11:51,620
I will never graduate! You
cannot force my life to start!
325
00:11:51,645 --> 00:11:53,591
- Erica, please, just take it!
- No!
326
00:11:53,616 --> 00:11:54,801
- Get away from me!
- It's one of the rules!
327
00:11:55,433 --> 00:11:56,714
- Just take it!
- Sorry. I slept in.
328
00:11:56,739 --> 00:11:58,409
Did Erica have her Bat Mitzvah yet?
329
00:11:58,434 --> 00:11:59,690
- Come on!
- Get out of here!
330
00:11:59,715 --> 00:12:02,127
- Just take it! Take the diploma!
- Stop following me!
331
00:12:02,152 --> 00:12:03,585
Oy. What a mess.
332
00:12:03,610 --> 00:12:05,002
Tell me about it. How could
333
00:12:05,027 --> 00:12:07,456
Jackie date Ruben Amaro Jr.
And not even tell me?
334
00:12:07,481 --> 00:12:09,314
Okay, yeah, I was insanely jealous
335
00:12:09,339 --> 00:12:10,940
of Jackie's jockey ex-boyfriend.
336
00:12:10,965 --> 00:12:12,932
And so I made a date with my ex, Dana.
337
00:12:12,957 --> 00:12:15,124
- Like they say, old love dies hard.
- [Laughter]
338
00:12:15,149 --> 00:12:16,682
Isn't this awesome?
339
00:12:16,880 --> 00:12:18,829
Yeah. I guess.
340
00:12:19,734 --> 00:12:22,935
You just checked your watch
instead of laughing hysterically
341
00:12:22,960 --> 00:12:24,112
at how tall Bubba Smith
is. What's going on?
342
00:12:24,137 --> 00:12:26,175
I don't get it. This is part 5.
343
00:12:26,252 --> 00:12:28,323
Shouldn't they have graduated
the Academy after the first one?
344
00:12:28,348 --> 00:12:30,409
I think the problem is
you're focusing on logic,
345
00:12:30,434 --> 00:12:32,347
not the lovable cast of characters.
346
00:12:32,372 --> 00:12:34,036
Whoooooo!
347
00:12:34,061 --> 00:12:36,328
Okay, in what world would
an officer of the law
348
00:12:36,353 --> 00:12:38,987
stop a jewel thief by
making weird mouth noises?
349
00:12:39,012 --> 00:12:41,401
That's Michael Winslow.
He's a national treasure.
350
00:12:41,426 --> 00:12:44,294
They're LAPD. They wouldn't
have any jurisdiction in Miami.
351
00:12:44,319 --> 00:12:47,628
In that moment, it was clear
that our spark was gone forever.
352
00:12:47,653 --> 00:12:50,386
Dana was my past love,
but Jackie was the future
353
00:12:50,411 --> 00:12:51,651
and I had to get her back.
354
00:12:51,676 --> 00:12:54,373
But first, I had to end it with
Dana and break her poor heart.
355
00:12:54,398 --> 00:12:56,136
Okay, what's going on?
356
00:12:56,161 --> 00:12:57,964
Look, I've been wrestling
with these emotions
357
00:12:57,989 --> 00:13:00,431
much like Hightower
wrestled that alligator.
358
00:13:00,647 --> 00:13:02,721
And just as Steve
Guttenberg had to move on
359
00:13:02,746 --> 00:13:04,425
from the "Police Academy" franchise...
360
00:13:04,450 --> 00:13:06,464
- ? I know just how to whisper ?
- ... I, too, must move on.
361
00:13:08,091 --> 00:13:08,980
- [Music slows, stops]
- Wait.
362
00:13:09,542 --> 00:13:11,464
D-Do you think this was a date?
363
00:13:11,489 --> 00:13:12,788
Uh-oh.
364
00:13:12,868 --> 00:13:14,635
The way you say that
makes me feel like...
365
00:13:14,660 --> 00:13:16,222
Oh, balls.
366
00:13:16,247 --> 00:13:18,247
... I misread this entire situation.
367
00:13:18,272 --> 00:13:20,855
- Adam, I'm sorry if you thought that...
- Don't be.
368
00:13:21,121 --> 00:13:23,183
It was really great
seeing you again, Dana.
369
00:13:23,208 --> 00:13:24,480
I hope it's not the last time.
370
00:13:24,505 --> 00:13:27,305
That day, I looked like an
epic tool in front of Dana,
371
00:13:27,330 --> 00:13:29,136
but, even worse, I had lost Jackie.
372
00:13:29,161 --> 00:13:30,728
As for my mom and Erica, they found out
373
00:13:30,753 --> 00:13:32,452
that avoiding graduation
wasn't an option.
374
00:13:32,477 --> 00:13:35,464
I can't believe I graduated.
More than that, I can't believe
375
00:13:35,489 --> 00:13:37,825
- I let Principal Ball catch me.
- The man's like a bald
376
00:13:37,850 --> 00:13:39,944
- cheetah. Who knew?
- What the hell?
377
00:13:40,108 --> 00:13:41,631
This isn't a diploma.
378
00:13:41,656 --> 00:13:44,557
It's a note from that
putz with the whistle!
379
00:13:45,743 --> 00:13:48,200
"Insufficient credits.
See Coach Mellor"?
380
00:13:48,225 --> 00:13:50,770
What does that mean?
Somebody say something.
381
00:13:50,795 --> 00:13:52,862
Mellor always said that
if I skipped too much gym,
382
00:13:52,887 --> 00:13:55,161
I wouldn't get my diploma.
I thought he was full of crap
383
00:13:55,186 --> 00:13:57,567
because, you know, gym
is stupid, but it's real!
384
00:13:57,592 --> 00:14:00,480
You mean... you're not going to college?
385
00:14:00,505 --> 00:14:03,315
- I'm not going to college!
- You're not going to college!
386
00:14:03,340 --> 00:14:04,855
My life has come to a grinding halt!
387
00:14:04,880 --> 00:14:06,490
It's everything I've ever hoped for!
388
00:14:06,515 --> 00:14:08,608
Wait a second! This is insane!
389
00:14:08,633 --> 00:14:10,433
- Yay!
- I'm a cautionary tale!
390
00:14:11,746 --> 00:14:15,281
What? Can't I enjoy the
success of my failing child?
391
00:14:15,306 --> 00:14:17,006
Believe me, I don't want
to see her go, either,
392
00:14:17,217 --> 00:14:19,185
but she's leaving, end of story.
393
00:14:19,210 --> 00:14:22,111
Murray, I can't handle losing her
394
00:14:22,136 --> 00:14:23,428
for the next four years.
395
00:14:23,453 --> 00:14:25,887
I'd rather lose her
for a few short years
396
00:14:26,287 --> 00:14:28,826
than hold her back forever.
397
00:14:34,365 --> 00:14:36,983
My mom was about to do the
hardest thing of her life...
398
00:14:37,008 --> 00:14:39,292
Force the school to turn
over Erica's diploma.
399
00:14:39,317 --> 00:14:42,919
Coach Mellor, we meet
again one last, final time.
400
00:14:42,994 --> 00:14:45,721
I take it you read that
little note I left for Erica.
401
00:14:45,746 --> 00:14:47,769
All right, let's tango.
402
00:14:47,794 --> 00:14:49,727
She's not coming. It's just me.
403
00:14:49,752 --> 00:14:51,218
But I kind of need her here.
404
00:14:51,243 --> 00:14:53,510
I had a big, angry speech
meant to guilt and shame her
405
00:14:53,535 --> 00:14:55,897
for missing my class 27 times this year.
406
00:14:55,922 --> 00:14:58,505
This is an outrage. You have
no right to target her t...
407
00:14:58,671 --> 00:15:00,256
27 times?
408
00:15:00,281 --> 00:15:01,496
Wow. That's a lot.
409
00:15:01,521 --> 00:15:03,488
And she forged a doctor's note
410
00:15:03,513 --> 00:15:07,061
saying she couldn't run or jump
because of "lady problems."
411
00:15:07,086 --> 00:15:10,596
How dare you accuse her
of forgery when you're...
412
00:15:10,623 --> 00:15:12,623
"Dr. Edmund T. Doctorman."
413
00:15:12,803 --> 00:15:14,885
- Oh, come on.
- I warned her for three years...
414
00:15:14,910 --> 00:15:16,677
Fail gym, pay the price.
415
00:15:16,702 --> 00:15:18,494
Okay, she's still a wonderful girl,
416
00:15:18,519 --> 00:15:21,944
and I will stop at nothing
until you give me that diploma.
417
00:15:22,367 --> 00:15:23,475
Ugh. Here you go.
418
00:15:24,230 --> 00:15:25,514
- That's it?
- Brace yourself.
419
00:15:25,539 --> 00:15:27,141
Ready to have your mind blown?
420
00:15:27,494 --> 00:15:28,834
I have no real power.
421
00:15:28,859 --> 00:15:31,889
My greatest weapon is threatening
the kids with failing gym.
422
00:15:31,914 --> 00:15:34,226
So, every year, I terrify
the attractive, popular kids
423
00:15:34,251 --> 00:15:36,912
to let them know that their
actions have consequences,
424
00:15:36,937 --> 00:15:38,420
even though they really, really don't.
425
00:15:38,445 --> 00:15:40,661
Oh, I'm sorry. [Sighs]
426
00:15:40,940 --> 00:15:42,881
Do you want me to call
Erica and bring her in here?
427
00:15:42,906 --> 00:15:44,803
Eh, the moment's gone. [Sighs]
428
00:15:45,669 --> 00:15:48,084
You raised an amazing
woman, Beverly Goldberg.
429
00:15:48,680 --> 00:15:50,647
It's been a pleasure
doing battle with you.
430
00:15:51,280 --> 00:15:52,467
Pleasure's been mine.
431
00:15:52,492 --> 00:15:54,920
Turns out my mom didn't
need to fight after all.
432
00:15:54,945 --> 00:15:57,147
As for Barry, he was
just plain devastated
433
00:15:57,172 --> 00:15:58,670
after his graduation fight with Lainey.
434
00:15:58,695 --> 00:15:59,724
Wow.
435
00:15:59,749 --> 00:16:02,016
You're really clutching
your Wrestling Buddy there.
436
00:16:02,282 --> 00:16:04,123
You only do that when you're super sad.
437
00:16:04,148 --> 00:16:07,991
Lainey's never gonna forgive me
for spazzing up her graduation.
438
00:16:08,396 --> 00:16:10,842
Her dad said she's not even
coming to Erica's party.
439
00:16:10,867 --> 00:16:13,170
Oh, God, I've never seen you this bad.
440
00:16:13,195 --> 00:16:16,385
Well, I may not be able to
fix things with Lainey,
441
00:16:16,567 --> 00:16:19,028
but I think I know a way
to at least make you smile.
442
00:16:20,147 --> 00:16:21,847
"Police Academy 5"?
443
00:16:21,872 --> 00:16:23,205
"Assignment Miami Beach,"
444
00:16:23,230 --> 00:16:26,600
guaranteed to wash away your
heartache. Balls, balls. It's Jackie.
445
00:16:26,775 --> 00:16:28,615
- Let's get out of here.
- Wait. She's seeing
446
00:16:28,640 --> 00:16:31,264
this thing by herself, and
you just want to walk away?
447
00:16:32,213 --> 00:16:34,373
- What about you?
- I'll be fine.
448
00:16:34,903 --> 00:16:36,787
- ? And I know just how to lie ?
- You've found your nerd-mate.
449
00:16:36,812 --> 00:16:38,018
Now go.
450
00:16:42,492 --> 00:16:44,210
Is this seat taken?
451
00:16:44,548 --> 00:16:46,318
- Well, look who it is.
- I know it seems like
452
00:16:46,343 --> 00:16:48,857
I'm stalking you, but this
is a legit coincidence,
453
00:16:49,066 --> 00:16:50,654
which makes me think
454
00:16:50,837 --> 00:16:53,522
I was a huge idiot, and I'm sorry.
455
00:16:54,017 --> 00:16:55,037
What about Dana?
456
00:16:55,062 --> 00:16:57,484
She was my first girlfriend,
and she'll always be,
457
00:16:57,789 --> 00:16:59,381
but that doesn't mean she's the one.
458
00:16:59,406 --> 00:17:01,389
Just sit your butt down already.
459
00:17:06,580 --> 00:17:07,873
Boyfriend.
460
00:17:09,817 --> 00:17:10,576
Girlfriend.
461
00:17:10,601 --> 00:17:13,217
And so we decided to let
go of our romantic pasts
462
00:17:13,242 --> 00:17:14,508
and just live in the moment.
463
00:17:14,533 --> 00:17:16,299
As for my mom, she
was ready to make sure
464
00:17:16,324 --> 00:17:18,811
Erica didn't put her future on hold.
465
00:17:18,836 --> 00:17:20,881
- ? And I know the roads to riches ?
- Hey, love bug. Whatcha doin'?
466
00:17:20,906 --> 00:17:22,253
Unpacking.
467
00:17:23,038 --> 00:17:24,334
- ? And I know the ways to fame ?
- Listen...
468
00:17:25,592 --> 00:17:27,482
- ? I know all the rules... ?
- ... you know it's my dream
469
00:17:27,731 --> 00:17:30,342
- ? ... I know how to break 'em ?
- for you to always be my little
470
00:17:30,367 --> 00:17:31,264
- baby chicken.
- Don't say "but."
471
00:17:31,289 --> 00:17:32,029
- ? But I don't know how to leave you ?
- But...
472
00:17:33,259 --> 00:17:35,291
... as scary as it is, I
think we both know
473
00:17:35,316 --> 00:17:36,764
- ? And I'll never let you fall ?
- it's time for you to go.
474
00:17:37,373 --> 00:17:39,936
My diploma? Oh, no. What
did you do to Coach Mellor?
475
00:17:39,961 --> 00:17:42,739
Actually, even he knows it's
time for you to move on.
476
00:17:42,938 --> 00:17:44,614
For the last four years,
I've made fun of you
477
00:17:44,639 --> 00:17:46,215
for dreading this day.
478
00:17:46,865 --> 00:17:48,938
- ? Out of nothing at all ?
- And now it's here.
479
00:17:49,965 --> 00:17:52,028
And I'm more scared than you ever were.
480
00:17:52,508 --> 00:17:54,145
- ? Out of nothing at all ?
- But you should know,
481
00:17:54,170 --> 00:17:57,254
no matter where you are
or what you're doing
482
00:17:57,947 --> 00:18:00,090
[Voice breaking] I will
always fight for you in an
483
00:18:00,115 --> 00:18:02,418
embarrassing and inappropriate way.
484
00:18:02,443 --> 00:18:05,520
You're gonna change
the world, Erica Goldberg.
485
00:18:05,545 --> 00:18:08,746
- ? Out of nothing at all ?
- And you're gonna visit... a lot.
486
00:18:09,545 --> 00:18:10,450
- ? Out of nothing at all ?
- In the end,
487
00:18:10,475 --> 00:18:12,609
sometimes we need that little push
488
00:18:12,634 --> 00:18:14,447
- ? Every time I see you, sun ?
- to get us where we're meant to go.
489
00:18:14,472 --> 00:18:16,586
- ? all the rays of the sun ?
- And sometimes the journey is hard...
490
00:18:16,611 --> 00:18:18,682
... and we struggle to accept
the bumps along the way,
491
00:18:18,690 --> 00:18:20,486
but it's the people you love most...
492
00:18:20,511 --> 00:18:22,212
- ? And I can make every... ?
- ... that can help you get through it.
493
00:18:22,726 --> 00:18:24,282
- Sorry, I'm late.
- Barry: Lainey.
494
00:18:24,307 --> 00:18:26,337
I didn't think you'd
ever talk to me again,
495
00:18:26,362 --> 00:18:28,947
you know, after ruining your graduation
496
00:18:28,972 --> 00:18:31,165
and embarrassing you in front
of everyone you've ever known.
497
00:18:31,190 --> 00:18:32,756
- Yeah, that was bad.
- It wasn't great.
498
00:18:32,781 --> 00:18:34,535
- It was basically the worst.
- Well...
499
00:18:34,863 --> 00:18:36,891
I don't blame you if
you hate me forever.
500
00:18:37,203 --> 00:18:38,111
- ? And I can make all your demons... ?
- Hate you?
501
00:18:39,653 --> 00:18:41,540
- ? But I'm never gonna... ?
- After everything we've been through,
502
00:18:41,651 --> 00:18:43,853
all those memories, the
best moments of my life?
503
00:18:43,878 --> 00:18:45,511
- ? Do you really want to see me... ?
- I could never hate you.
504
00:18:45,536 --> 00:18:47,269
We really had some good times, huh?
505
00:18:47,534 --> 00:18:49,367
- ? And I'm never gonna make it... ?
- We had some great times.
506
00:18:50,501 --> 00:18:51,428
[Chuckles] And you know what?
507
00:18:51,453 --> 00:18:53,770
This is the spot where we had
our first real conversation.
508
00:18:53,795 --> 00:18:54,572
- ? Out of nothing at all ?
- Yep.
509
00:18:55,115 --> 00:18:57,634
I threw that party, made
an ass of myself...
510
00:18:58,592 --> 00:19:00,747
... and you were the only
one who was there for me.
511
00:19:01,320 --> 00:19:03,085
- ? Out of nothing at all ?
- God, so much has changed since then.
512
00:19:04,903 --> 00:19:06,702
I mean, not everything. [Chuckles]
513
00:19:07,030 --> 00:19:08,763
- ? Out of nothing at all ?
- Even back then, I knew I loved you.
514
00:19:10,173 --> 00:19:12,040
And no matter where we
go, we'll always have that.
515
00:19:21,018 --> 00:19:22,176
- ? Out of nothing at all ?
- You coming?
516
00:19:22,201 --> 00:19:23,501
- ? Making love ?
- I'll be there in a sec.
517
00:19:25,638 --> 00:19:27,379
How do you know so much stuff about me?
518
00:19:27,404 --> 00:19:29,848
Your sister's my best friend.
I've known you my whole life,
519
00:19:29,873 --> 00:19:31,740
and I can honestly say there's...
520
00:19:32,244 --> 00:19:33,477
no one like you.
521
00:19:33,556 --> 00:19:34,884
- ? Out of nothing at all ?
- Thanks.
522
00:19:35,156 --> 00:19:37,207
- ? Making love ?
- Turns out Erica was right...
523
00:19:37,232 --> 00:19:39,348
Our family would never be the same.
524
00:19:39,373 --> 00:19:41,262
- To my peanut.
- Together: To peanut!
525
00:19:41,895 --> 00:19:43,246
- ? Making love ?
- Not a person in
526
00:19:43,271 --> 00:19:46,160
that room knew what the future
held, and, yeah, it was scary...
527
00:19:46,185 --> 00:19:47,621
... but that's the thing
about growing up.
528
00:19:47,646 --> 00:19:49,957
You learn that the things
that scare you most
529
00:19:50,094 --> 00:19:52,927
end up being the greatest memories.
530
00:19:52,952 --> 00:19:55,480
And for me, the best had yet to come.
531
00:19:55,505 --> 00:19:57,138
Sure, sometimes I forget details
532
00:19:57,163 --> 00:19:59,379
and always seem to get the dates wrong,
533
00:19:59,404 --> 00:20:01,824
but everything we knew was changing.
534
00:20:01,849 --> 00:20:04,105
And those next few
years of 1980-something,
535
00:20:04,130 --> 00:20:07,676
well, they'd become the stuff of legend.
536
00:20:10,397 --> 00:20:12,464
Get ready to gobble-gobble, Goldbergs.
537
00:20:12,489 --> 00:20:15,223
And your taste buds
are about to explode.
538
00:20:15,248 --> 00:20:20,485
Together: ? Happy birthday,
dear Murray and Bev ?
539
00:20:20,510 --> 00:20:22,543
Adam: Ah, no! Don't hurt me!
540
00:20:25,126 --> 00:20:27,326
Murray: You almost broke that light!
43697
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